FOUR MODERN FRENCH COMEDIES UBU ROI . BY ALFRED JARRY THE COMMISSIONER BY GEORGES COURTELINE PROFESSOR TARANNE BY ARTHUR ADAMOV CLERAMBARD BY MARCEL AYME WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY WALLACE FOWLIE Capricorn Books New York 1873 1878-9 1888-91 1891-3 1894 Alfred Henri Jarry Born September 8th (Feast of the Nativity of the Holy Virgin) in Laval (Mayenne), the second child of Anselme Jarry, merchant, and his wife Caroline, née Quemnest, Attends the Laval petit bye, Caroline Jarry Iéaves her husband, taking Alfred and his elder sister Charlotte with her to live with her father in Saint-Brieuc (Cétes du Nord), Alfred attends the Saint-Brieuc byeée 1879-88. During 1885-8 writes his first verse and prose sketches, Jampoons on his teachers and fellow-pupils. Enters the Rennes lycée in October 1888. Becomes friendly with a fellow-pupil, Henri Morin, and adds his contribution to thesaga Ls POLONAIS, written by Henri and his elder brother Charles, satirizing their physics teacher, M. Hébert. This primitive version of vBU R01 is performed by the marionettes of the “Théitredes Paynances,firstatthe Morins’ home, then from 1890 anwards at the Jarrys”. During these years he writes (with the probable collaboration of Henri Morin) oNSIME OU LES TRIBULATIONS DE PRIOU, which is the original version of UBU cocu and is also performed by the Thétre des Phynances. ‘Moves to Paris in October r89x to attend the course ‘of rhésorique supérieure at the Lycée Henri IV. During these years various live performances are given, at his lodgings, of early versions of unU Ror and UBU cocv, in which Pa Ubu first acquires his name, In. April 1893, first publication, in the monthly review L'Echo de Paris, of a text by Jarry, GUIGNOL (another early version of vau coc). Publication of his first book, LES MINUTES DE1895 1896 1897 1808. 1899 1900 gor ALFRED HENRI JARRY SABLE MEMORIAL (which incorporates GUIGNOL). ‘Commencement of his lifelong friendship with the publisher Alfred Vallette and his wife the novelist Rachilde, Publication, in October, of the first issue of the art review L'YMAGIER, which he founds with Remy de Gourmont, and of which he remains the condirector for the first five issues, 1894-5. Called up in June for military service, discharged for medical reasons in November. His second book, césan-antécunisr, is published in October. Publishes two issues of a luxurious art review, PERHINDERION. Becomes administrative assistant to Lugné-Poe, director of the Théitre de POBuvre, the same month, June, that UBU ROT is published in its final version. December roth: firstof two scheduled performances of usu ROI, directed by Lugné-Poe, with music by Claude Terrasse and masks and sets by Pierre Bonnard, Sérusier, Toulouse-Lautrec, Vuillard and Jarry himself. Publication of the essay QUESTIONS DE THEATRE, and of his first novel, LES JOURS ET LES NUITS, ‘roman d'un déserteur’, Performance of Uau Ror at the Théétre des Pantina by Pierre Bonnard’s marionettes. Publication of LTAMOUR BN ViSITES. Completes his ‘roman néo- scientifique’ LES GESTES ET OPINIONS DU DOC- TEUR FAUSTROLL, PATAPHYSICIEN, which re~ ‘mains unpublished during his lifetime, Completes writing his third play in the Ubu cycle, BU ENCHAINE. Launches his satirical chronicle, the ALMANAGH ILLUSTRE DU PERE UBY, illus- trated by Bonnard. Publication of 1’AMOUR ABSOLU. Publication of uu ENCHAINE. Issues the second number of the ALMANACH ILLUS- ‘TRE DU PERE UBU. Publication of his second novel, ALFRED HENRI JARRY 9 MESSALINg, ‘roman de ancien Rome’, November: first performance of UBY SUR LA BUTTE (@ two-act version with songs, for marionettes, of UBU RoI) by the Thédtre Guignol des Gueules de Bois. 1902 Publication of his third novel, LE SURMALE, ‘roman moderne’. 1906 Publication of usu suR LA BUTTE, and of the ‘un acte comique et morale en prose et vers? PAR LA TAILLE, both designed for the marionette theatre. Weakened by chronic malnutrition and by the ex- cesses of wine, absinthe and ether, leaves Paris in a state of physical collapse for his sister Charlotte’s home in Laval. Receives the last sacraments during ‘May, but recovers, 3907 Publication of the three-act ‘operette bouffe” LE MOUTARDIER DU PAPE, Dies at the Hopital de Ia Charité, Paris, on November ist (All| Saints” Day), Buried in the Bagneux cemetery. ‘Works by Alfred Jarry published after his death include: 191 GESTES BT OPINIONS DU DOCTEUR FAUSTROLL, PATAPHYSICIEN, ‘roman néo-scientifique’, suivi de SPECULATIONS. PANTAGRUEL (with Engine De- molder), ‘opéra bouffe en cinques actes’, with music by Claude Terrasse, 1926 LES SILENES, a free adaptation of Christian- Dietrich Grabbe's three-act comedy Scherz, Satire, Fronie und tiefere Bedewung, edited by Pascal Pia. 1943 LA DRAGONNE (completed by Charlotte Jerry), novel. 1944 BU CocU. 1945 OEUVRES POETIQUES COMPLETES, edited by HenriUBU ROI Drama in Five Acts by ALFRED JARRY ‘TRANSLATED FROM THE FRENCH By BaRnana WRIGHT Followed by THE SONG OF THE DISEMBRAINING BY THE SAME AUTHOR AND THE SAME TRANSLATOR THIS BOOK, THIS PLAY, THIS DRAMA . . Jarry was not very definite in his description of Ubu Roi. André Gide called it ‘the most extraordinary thing seen in the Theatre for a long time’. Sacha Guitry went further: “The question whether or not it is a masterpiece secs 10 me idle. believe it sa masterpiece of its kind, You will ask, what i its kind? That is very dificult to define, or itis nether strictly humour nor strictly parody. 1 is not related to any other form of literature... . If I ‘were forced 10 classify this phenomenon I should put it first among excessive caricatures, ranking it with the most ‘original ant powerful burlesques of all time.” Since is publieation and production in 1896, Ubu Roi has always been subjected to exalted claims or exaggerated scorn, What it really is becomes more apparent if one considers what its author really was. ‘Allced Jarry was botn in 1873, the son of petit bourgsois parents, in Laval, Mayenne. He was a brilliant ‘and original boy, independent, curious, eager to live; ob- sina, fierce, sarcastic, shy. Ip 1883 he entered the Lycée fat Rennes where he learnt with extraordinary ease but ‘Would take orders from no one. He worked when he liked and not otherwise, he was a superb wrecker of classes when he felt inclined; he applied himself to sabotage with ‘wit and intelligence. One of is professors wat a M. Hébert already known to previous generations of pupils ss le Pire Ebé, or P. H. Le Pére Ebé was physically ‘grotesque, Rabby and piglike, lacked all dignity and author- ity, and had been the butt of schoolboy humour for years before Jarry’s arival at Rennes. To Jarry he became the symbol of all the ugliness and mediocrity he already saw in the world, and he became the fiercest and most bitter protagonist in the ant-Hébert ranks. He, and other school- boys, wrote Les Polonais, and performed it in 1888 in a rmarionette theatre in the house of one of the Lycéens. “This was the prototype of Ubu Roi ”R i 18 Four Modern French Comedies te 19739 we tn nf ae ae ath te te wel nd Encinas eats nar In ef mie a aga ao coro caeaa attached to it, because of what he saw in it and added to rip Seer = Ubu Rot » This touches the crux of the great Ubu controversy which arose years after Jarry’s death, One side claimed that Jarry had nothing to do with the original text of Ubu Roi, that it was written by a fellow pupil, Charles Morin, ‘few years before Jarry went to Rennes, and that it was merely one of a series of plays in the anti-Hébert tradition. ‘When asked why he had not claimed the paternity of Ubu Roi during Jarry’s lifetime, M. Morin is supposed to have answered: ‘Cest quiil n'y a pas de quoi étre fier (quand on a fait une connerie pareille” But Jarry’s friends ‘were categorical that though he enjoyed mystifying, hoax ing and fooling people, there was no doubt that he was the author of Ubu Rol. In any case, Jarry: succeeded in interesting Lugné-Poe in the play, and in December 1896 it was staged at the ‘Théltre de VOcuvre with Gémier in the title role. It caused an uproar, was violently booed and violently applauded; it was compared with the work of Shakespeare ‘and Rabelais, or dismissed as insipid nonsense; it was called the inspiration of modern youth, or dismissed as a rather poor joke. It was not unique in providing an outlet for spurious emotions which, fundamentally, never have ‘any precise connection with the oceasion that arouses them. A royal wedding does just as well, though perhaps for a different public. But the result was that after the performance Jarry, st 23, had become famous. He had always been haunted by the figure of Pére Ubu; it eymbolised ‘the cause of all bis sorrows and all his re- volts, He had already included long scenes from Ubu in hhis-fragmentary works, Minutés de Sable Mémorial, and Cérar-Améchrist. But now he became possessed by his creation and began the ‘absorbing Ubique career which, dispossessing him of his own personality, was to deprive him during his lifetime of the estimation of those respon sible people who, after his death, were to claim so much affection for him"? He adopted a peculiar way of speaking, referred to himself always as le Pére Ubu, using the regal ae.S 20 sien ark, the time he wrote Ub Rei It is difficult to see anything in common between the real Alfred Jarry and the essential Pere Ubu, Ubu was conceived as hideous, grotesque, with a pear-shaped head, practically no hair and an enormous, flabby stomach; the embodiment of cupidity, stupidity, brutality, ferocity. Jarry, in 1903, four years before his death, was described by André Salmon as having long, dark hair falling almost 10 his shoulders, a face of a pure oval shape, a straight mouth, ‘@ short, wellmodelled nose and black eyes that were hhonest and ardent. He was stubborn, shy, arrogant, incredibly proud, a rebel who liked to show off but was fundamentally mild and good-tempered. He loved the ‘country, exercising, bicycling, fishing, and had a reputation for being able to catch fish where there were none. ‘Yet, after his metamorphosis into Ubu, he was described by Gide as ‘a strange kind of clown, with a befoured face, a black beady eye and hair plastered down on his, Alfred Jarry fy hesd like a skull-cap's He made himeelf look like « clown, ¥ Ubu Roi a ‘and be acted the clown, in his writing and in his life. He hhad become a cult, others started to speak and act in & ‘manner they imagined to be Ubuesque (but none so ‘efficiently as Jarry); he had insinuated himself into people's imaginations, had become an avant-garde Donald Duck. ‘At the Mercure (at tat time)’ writes André Gide, in the commemorative number of the Mercure de France of December, 1946, the first number to appear after the war, ‘he exercised a curious kind of fascination. Everyone, almost ‘everyone around him, attempted with greater or lesser success, to imitate, to adopt, his style, and above all his ecentrie way of speaking which was relentless, without inflection or nuance, with an equal accentuation on all syllables, even on the mutes, There would not have been the slightest difference if a mutcracker had spoken. He asserted himself without embarrassment and with a perfect disdain of convention. The surrealist, later, never invented ‘anything better, and it is with justice that they recognise ‘and salute in him a precursor.’ Jarry's dispossession is 50 ‘iriking that it is a liule surprising that he bas not yet been elevated into the prototype of Jarry-complex. One ‘of his strongest impulses seems to have been the ‘disgust, the fierce contempt and the icy gaiety which hath people ‘and things inspired in him’. He neither wished nor was able to adapt himself to the world as it was. He ignored the conventions of life, and even the conditions of life. He refused to compromise with something for which he felt nothing but scorn, and he accepted with indifference the Jogical consequence of his attitude—that life should destroy him, and much sooner than most, ‘When his parents died he immediately lost on one of his reviews the money they left him. After that he lived in almost perpetual poverty, refusing most of the help his friends offered. When he had no money to buy food, he ‘drank, André Breton claimed Jarry as an absinthe- ssureatist, Chauveau puts it that alcohol for Jarry was ‘more than @ habit, a vice or a weakness, it was a con- vietion, a need, a sure way of attaining the absolute. At¥ 9 2 Four Modern French Comedies first Jarry drank in order to scandalise, continued for the sake of continuing, then out of necessity, despair, pride and genius’, From alcohol he went on to ether. He lived in a picturesquely fithy room on a floor called the second-and- sa-half; the ceiling had been lowered and the room was a sort of cupboard between the second and third floors. He lived with two owls, (originally slive, later stuffed), a guitar, stinking flowers, masses of dirty papers, a stone Phallus. Jarry's personal décor sounds familiar. He was certainly different from the bourgeois, but perhaps not s0 different from those who differ from the bourgeois. But his brilliance and wit were uncommon, Giving a lecture ‘on att and artists he spoke of everything from Turkestan {to Bergson, from Fragonard to angling. Afterwards one of, his friends told him that he bad found it very interesting ‘but hadn't understood a word of it. Jarry answered: “That's exactly what I wanted. Talking about things that are understandable only weighs down the mind and falsifies the memory, but the absurd exercises the mind and makes the memory work.’ There are many Jarry legends. He reputed to have been the discoverer af the Towanier Rousseau and to have introduced him to the French public as a great painter, though he personally had no belief in Rousseau’s talent. Then, though he would appear in the street in a fur tiara, bedroom slippers, an overcoat falling to pieces, and armed with a loaded stick and a couple of revolvers, there is a story that when a Belgian girl who had heard him lecture, went to Paris and got herself invited to 2 lunch he was to attend, expecting all possible excesses, Jarry, forewarned, appeared in an impeccable black suit and behaved like the most perfectly respectable gentleman, ‘He spent days on end alone in his squalid xoom. His friends deplored his wasted talents and helped him as much as he would Jet them, though he would accept nothing that he thought was offered out of pity. Then for two days no one saw him, Two of his friends went to see ‘what had become of him and found him lying on his straw Ubu Rot 23 bed in a state of indescribable filth, paralysed in both legs ‘and unaware of what had happened. He was taken to a hospital where he became rapidly weaker, and on the Ist of November, 1907, he died, at the age of 34. His last request ‘was for a toothpick. Perhaps the wisest comment on him was made by Gobriel Bret: “ary life seems to have een dreted by a philosophical concept. He offered himself as a victim to the derision and to the absurdity of the world. His life is a sort of humorous and ironie epic pathy to the point of the voluntary, farcical and thorough destruc- ton of the self. Jarry's teaching could be summarised thus: ‘every man is capable of showing his contempt for the ‘eruelty and stupidity of the universe by making his own life a poem of incoherence and absurdity.” Jarry's collected works consist of some 2,000 pages of plays, prose and poems. For a time he also wrote theatre ‘eticisms which were brief and amusing. And his ideas fon production were still considered innovations when prac- tised much Inter, as for instance, by Cocteau. He wrote 10 Lugné-Poe in 1896: “It would be interesting . . . to be able to stage (Ubu Rod) . . . on the following lines: “Mask for the chief character, Ubu . ‘A sardhoand horse's head which he would hang from his neck, as they did in the old Egalish Theatre, for the only two equestrian scenes, all of whose details are in the of the play, as T intended to make it a “guignol”. “Adoption of a single set, oF rather of a plain blackcloth, doing away with the raising and lowering of the curtain using the single act. A conventionally dressed character ‘would appear, as in the Guignols, and hang up a placard informing the audience of the location of the scene. (Note that I am certain that the written placard is much moreAlfred Jarry in 1906, by F.-A, Cazals Ubu Rot 25 “suggestive” than scenery, Neither scenery nor supers could represent “The Polish Army marching in the Ukraine”) [No crowds; these are a mistake on the stage and hamper the intelligence. Thus a single soldier in the Review scene, ‘single one in the scrimmage where Ubu says: “What @ gang, what a retreat”, etc. “The adoption of an “accent”, or rather, a special “voice” for the chief character. ‘The costumes should give ss little as possible the impression of local colour or chronology (this renders better the idea of something eternal). They should pref- erably he modern, as the satire is modern; and sordié, to make the play appear more wretched and horrific.’ ‘The influence of Jarry and of Ubu Roi has been felt in all the arts, Amédée Ozenfant* wrote: ‘One aspect of modern poetry is often a highly emphasised extremism. ‘That must be attributed largely to the influence of the extraordinary Jarry, the Cambronne of poetry. Jarry is the last high-powered romantic. . . . The wit, often plercing, ‘often profound, of this professional toper, because of its ‘monumental indifference, made an immense impression on ly intelligent originators of Fauvism, Cubism and Dadaism in painting, literature and music. Many contemporaries reveal this influence, most curiously allied with the eccentricities of various original characters out of Gide. Picasso, Satie, the Cocteau of Parade (1917), and the Apollinaire of Les Mamelles de Tirésias (1917), owe @ debt to Ubu Roi? And Apoltinare’ *.. . those who study the literary history of our time will be amazed that, Tke the alchemists, the dreamers and poets devoted themselves, without even’ the pretext of a philosopher’s stone, to inguities and to notations which exposed them to. the ridicule of their contemporaries, of journalists and of snobs. "But their inquiries will be useful; they will be theje 26 Four Modern French Comedies foundation of & new realism which will perhaps not be inferior to that so poetic and learned realism of ancient Greece. "With Alfred Jarry, moreover, we have seen laughter rise from the lower regions where it was writhing, to furnish the poet with a totally new lyricism. Where is the time when Desdemona’s handkerchief seemed to be an inadmissible ridiculousness? Today even ridicule is sought after, it must be seized upon and it has its place in poetry because itis a part of life in the sume way as heroism and all that formerly nourished poet's enthusiasm.’ “As for the action, that takes place in Poland, that is to say, nowhere,’—so Jarry finished his speech introducing the first performance of Ubu "The idea of something eternal’ he wrote to Lugné-Poe, Perhaps Ubu is eternal; it has not dated in the half-century it has been in existence. ‘One imagines itis even more topical today than in 1896. It is timeless, placeless, it shamelessly displays what civilization tries hard to ide, and that is more than lavatory brushes and schoolboy swearwords, it is an aspect of truth, Barbara Wright, + Paul Chauveau. Alfred Jarry, ou la Naissance, la Vie 4 la Mort de Pere Ubu. 2 Ibid. 8 The Counterfeiters. Pub, A. A. Knopf. Trans. Dorothy Bussy. “A. Ozenfant. Foundations of Modern Art. Pub. John Rodker. Trans. E. Allen Asbura. 5G. Apollinaire. L’Espriz Nouveou et les Podtes. Harvill Press. Trans. R, Shattuck. ‘1m 1896, when Poland's name was erased from the map.Composition of the Orchestra, Oboe Pipes Blutwurst, Big Bass Transverse Flutes : Concert Flute Little Bassoon Big Bassoon Triple Bassoon Little black Cornets Shrill white Cornets Hors Sackbuts Green Hunting-Horns Bagpipes Kettledrums Bass-drum Grand Organs Flageolets ‘Trombones Fipple-Flutes Bombardons Drum Ct — Characters Pire Ubu Crowd EMare Ubu Michel Fédérovitch [Captain Bordure Nobles King Vencestas Magistrates [Queen Rosemonde ‘Counsellors Boteslas Financiers ‘Ladislas | theirsons ‘Financial Lacqueys Bougrelas Peasants (General Lascy ‘The Whole Russian Army Stanislas Leczinski The Whole Polish Army Jean Sobieski Mere Ubu’s Guards | Nicolas Rensky A Captain ‘The Emperor Alexis The Bear {Giron ‘The Phynancial Horse (Pile Palotins ‘The Disembraining Machine | Cotice The Crew | Conspirators and Soldiers ‘The Captain of the Ship | iSE acr SCENE 1 Pire Ubu, Mire Ubu. rire uu Shitte!* seine uBU Oh! That's a nice way to talk, Pére Ubu, ye are a bloody great oaf. pine ueu' Why don't [bash your brains in, Mare Ubu? MERE UBU Is not me you ought to do in, Pére Ubu, its ‘someone else, Ene usu By my green candie, I don’t understand. Mine vau Well, Pére Ubu, are ye content with your lot? Pine unu By my green candle, shttr, Madame, certainly ‘Tam content, I could be content with less; I'm a captain of dragoons, I'm King Venceslas’ confidential officer, I've ‘been decorated with the Order of the Red Eagle of Poland, I'm ex-King of Aragon; what more do you want? ‘MRE usu What! When you've been King of Aragon, ‘you're satisfied to lead to the Reviews a paltry fifty flunk- ys armed with nothing but cabbage-cutters—when you ‘could make the crown of Poland succeed the erown of ‘Aragon on your noddle? , vine unu Mm? Mére Ubu, I don't understand a word of ‘what you're saying. MERE UBU How stupid you aret pine vou By my green candle, King Venceslas is still very much alive: and even supposing he dies, hasn't he got hordes of children? + *Merdret” in the original. 31 rA = 32 Four Modern French Comedies MERE vau Who's stopping you from slaughtering the ‘whole family and putting yourself in their place? PERE usu Oh! Mére Ubu, you insult me, and you'll find yourself in the stewpan in a minute, Mere nu Huh! you poor fish, if I found myself in the stewpan, who'd mend the seats of your breeches? PERE VoU Well, what of it? Isn't my arse the same as anyone else's? MERE usu If I were you, what I'd want to do with my ‘arse would be to install it on a throne. You could in- ‘crease your Fortune indefinitely, have sausages whenever you liked, and ride through the streets in a carriage. pine uau If I were King, I'd have a big headpiece made like the one 1 had in Aragon which those louts of Span- iards stole from me in such a shameless manner. MERE UBL And you could get yourself an umbrella and a ‘great big cloak that would come right down to your feet. pink vu Ant I yield to temptation. Clod of a shittr, shittr of a clod, if ever I meet him on a dark night hel g0 through a bad quarter of an hour. Miee usu Oh good, Pére Ubu, now you're a real man, pire uu Oh no, though! I, a captain of dragoons, slay the king of Poland! I'd rather die. Mine eu (aside) Oh shittr! (aloud) Then are you going to stay a8 poor as a rat, Pie Ubu? pine usu Gadzookers, by my green candle, I prefer to ‘be as poor as a skinny, honest rat than as rich as a vicious, fat cat MERE UBU And the cape? and the umbrella? and the ‘reat big cloak? ERE uBU And what of them, Mére Ubu? (He goes off banging the door.) Ubu Roi 3 Ming uau Fart, shittr, i's hard to get him moving, but fart, shit, T reckon I've shaken him all the same. ‘Thanks to God and myself, in a week, maybe, Ml be Queen of Poland. SCENE 2 ‘The scene represents a room in Pere Ubu's house, where magnificent meal is prepared. Pore Ubu, Mere Ubu ‘ite usu Huh! our guests are extremely late. pine usu Yes, by my green candle. I'm starving. Mére ‘Ubu, you're exceeding ugly today. Ts it because we have visitors? MERE usu (shrupging her shoulders) Shitte! Pine Unu (seizing @ roast chicken) Look here, I'm hun~ ‘ay, I'm going to take a bite of this bird. Ite'a chicken Thelieve. I's not bad. aabas veu What are you doing, you ae? What will our guests have to eat? paz uau Ob, there'll be enough for them. I won't touch ‘anything else. Mére Ubu, go over to the window and se if our guests are coming. ane uau (going over) Un the meantime Pére Ubu pinches a fillet of veal) ‘MERE UBU Ah! here comes Captain Bordure with bis par+ ‘isang. But what are you eating, Pére Ubu? of veal. Lean’t see anything. pine vau Nothing, 2 nine usu Oh the veal, the veal, vile creature! He ate the veal! Help! vine uu By my green candle, I'l tear your eyes out.4 C\ “4 Four Modern French Comedies SCENE 3 Pore Ubu, Mere Ubu, Captain Bordure and his partisans. Mine uu Good day, gentlemen, we were avait impatiently, Sit down, carr. BorpuRE Good day, Madame. But where on earth is Pere Ubu? 1g you PERE unu Here I amt here { am! Damn it, by my green candle, I'm fat enough, I should have thought, apr. poRDURE Good day, Pére Ubu. Sit down, my men. (They all sit down.) vExe UBU Phew! a bit more and I'd have stove in my chic apr. BoRDURE Well, Mére Ubu, what ate you giving us today that's good? MERE UU Here's the menu, vine uy Ob, 1 iterested i that Mine UBU Soupe polonaise, rastron ribs, veal, chicken, dog pie, turkeys’ cumps, charlotte russe. pie vou Hey, that’s enough, I should think. Is there any more? MERE UBU (continuing) Tee pudding, salad, fruit, dessert, boiled beef, jerusalem artichokes, caulifiower & la shit. pire vou Hub! do you that you spend such a lot? ik I'm the Emperor of Orient MénE UaU Don't listen to him, he's an imbecile pire vau Ab! I'll sharpen my teeth on your calves. MERE usu Have your dinner instead, Pére Ubu. Here's some polonaise. Ubu Roi 35 Ping ueu Hell, i's awful. ‘carr, wonDURE It's certainly not very nice. Mie vau Bunch of erooks, what do you want, then’? pine usw (striking his forehead) Oh, I've got an idea. Ti be back in a minute (He goes off.) ine unu Gentlemen, lt try Some veal. carr, ponDURE. Is very good, Tve fished. Mina uu Now for the romps carr, noxoune Exquisite, exquisite! Long lve Mére Ubu, su Long lve Mire Ubu ine va (coming back) And youl soon be saying long, live Pare Ubu. (He has @ lavatory brush in his hand and throws it on to the festive board.) nine vow Blockhead, what are you doing? Exe upu Taste it. (Several taste tt and are poisoned.) pine usu Mere Ubu, pass me the rastron cutlets so that Lean serve them. were usu Here you are. pine uav Outside, everyone! Captain Bordure, I want 10 talk to you. ‘rie orwers Hey, we haven't had anything to eat. pine usu What d'you mean, you haven't had anything to eat? Out you go, everybody. Stay here, Bordure. (No one budges.)mt) $ 36 Four Modern French Comedies PERE UBU Haven't you gone yet? By my green candle, 1 do you in with rastron ribs. (He begins 10 throw them.) ALL Oo! Ouch! Help! Defend yourselves! Murder! I'rt ‘dead! PERE UBU_ Shittr, shite, shittr! Outside! I'm cleverer than 1 thought! ‘ALL Every man for himself! Lousy Pére Ubu! traitor and mean skunk! pine unu Ah! They've gone. I can breathe, but I've had a rotten dinner. Come on, Bordure. SCENE 4 Mire Ubu, Pére Ubu, Captain Bordure. PERE aU Well, Captain, did you have a good dinner? CAPT. BoRDURE Very good, Monsieur, except for the shite. Pine usu Huh! The shittr wasn't bad, Mine uv Chacun aon gout PERE vBU Ceptain Bordure, I've decided to make you Duke of Lithuania, ‘CAPT. BORDURE What? I thought you were very badly off, Pere Ubu, PERE UBU In a few days, if you choose, I shall reign over Poland, ‘CAPT. BORDURE Are you going to kill Vencesles? PERE UBU This fellow’s no fool, he's guessed. carr. BoxUKE If i's a question of killing Venceslas, I'm ‘on. I'm his mortal enemy, and Tl answer for my men, Ubu Roi 7 ine uBU (throwing himself on him and kissing him) ‘Oh, ob, I'm very fond of you, Bordure. ccaPT, nompuRE Pooh, you stink, Pére Ubu. Don't you ever wash? vine uau Sometimes. xe uaU pine va Never! TM tread on your 106s. Big shitert pine Ubu Well, Bordure, I've done with you. But, by my ‘green candle, 1 swear by Mére Ubu to make you Duke of Lithuania. ene un Mine vay But... sbRE unU Be quiet, my sweet child. (They g0 out.) SCENE 5 Pore Ubu, Mere Ubu, a messenger. Pine usu Monsieur, what do you want? Go away, you bore me ‘essexcer Monsieur, you are summoned to the King’s presence. 5 vine usu Oh shittr! gadzookers! by my green candle, T ‘am discovered. Tl lose my head! Alas! Ala mine usu What a feeble man! And there's not much time. pias unU Ab! T've got an idea. Tl say that it was Mére ‘Ubu and Bordure, Mine unu Oh! Fat P.U,, if you do that . . .UW Se) 38 Four Modern French Comedies pine unu Now! I'l go this minute, (He goes out.) Mine ueu (running after him) Hit Pere Ubu, Pere Ubu, Till give you some grub, (She goes out.) PERE upU (off) Ob! Shittr! You're a grub yourself. SCENE 6 King Vencestas, surrounded by his officers; Bordure; the ‘Ring's sons: Boleslas, Ladislas, Bougrelas; then Pere Ubu. PERE UBU (entering) Oh! you know, it wasn't me, it ‘was Mére Ubu and Bordure. ‘tiie xia Whats the matter, Pire Ubu? ‘carr. BoRDURE He's had too much to drink. ‘THB KING Like me this morning. PERE uu Yes, I'm boozed, it's because I've drunk too muah French wine He KING Pre Ubu, 1 want to recognise your numerous services a3 Captain of Dragoons, and I am making you Count of Sandomir as from today. pkxe unu Oh Monsieur Venceslas, I don't know how 10 thank you. ‘rite xINo Don’t thank me, Pére Ubu, and be present to- ‘morrow morning at the great Review. PERE uBU I'll be there, but be good enough to accept this, litle toy whistle. (He presents the King wlth a toy whistle) ‘Tie kino What do you expect me to do with a toy whistle ‘at my age? Til give it to Bougrelas. Ubu Rot 39 sovonsLas What an ass that Pére Ubu is, rine usu. Now I'l bugger off. (Ae he turns round he falls down.) (Ob! Ow! Help! By my green candle, I've ruptured my lngestine and busted my dungzine. ‘rie xavo (picking him up) Pere Ubu, hast hurt thyself? pine usu Yes indeed I have, and i shall certainly pass vay. What will happen to Mére Ubu? ‘we xINe We shall provide for her. ping usv Your kindness knows mo bounds, (He goer ‘out) Yes but, King Venceslas, you won't be any the less slaughtered, you know. SCENE 7 UBU'S HOUSE Giron, Pile, Cotice, Pere Ubu, Mére Ubu, Consplrarors, Soldiers, Capt. Bordure. Pixg usu Well, my good friends, it's high time to decide ‘on our plans for the conspiracy. Let's hear everybody's views, First of all THl tell you mine, if you'l allow me. carr, noRDURE Go ahead, Pére Ubu. pire uau Well then, my friends, in my opinion we ‘should simply poison the King by sticking some arsenic in his luach, When he starts stuffing himself he'll fall ‘down dead, and then I'l be King. ALL Pook, what a lousy beast. pine uav So what? Doesn't that suit you? Then let Bor- ddore say what he thinks,40 Four Modern French Comedies CcaPr. BORDURE I think we should give him a terrific blow with a sword and split him open from head to middle. ALL Yes, that’s noble and gallant. ERE unU And what if he starts kicking you? I remem ‘ber now that when there's a Review on he wears iron shoes that hurt very badly. If 1 had any sense Td go ‘off and denounce you to get myself out of this dirty business, and I reckon he'd give me some cash, as well. MBRE UBU Ob the traitor, the coward, the villain and mean skunk. ALL Down with Pere Ubu! pint usu Hey, gentlemen, keep quiet if you don't want to be put in my pocket. Anyway, I agree to expose my- self for you. So you, Bordure, make yourself responsible for splitting open the King. CAPT. BORDURE Wouldn't it be better if we all threw our- selves on him at once, bawling and shouting? We might bbe able to get the troops on our side that way. rin UoU Well, thie is what welll do, then. Til try and tread on his toes, he'll kick out at me, I'll say SHITTR to him and at this signal you'll throw yourselves on him. MERE UBU Yes, and as soon as he's dead you'll take his, seeptre and crown, ‘carr, norpuRE And Il go off with my men in pursuit ‘of the royal family. rine usu Yes, and I specially recommend young Bou- grelas to you. (They go out.) pire uau (running after them and making them come ack) Gentlemen, we have forgotten an indispensable ‘ceremony; we must swear to fight gallantly. ‘carr. nonDURE But how can we? We haven't got a priest. Ubu Rot a 8 uBU _Mére Ubu will stand in for one, Att All right, so be it! vine usu Then you swear to kill the King properly? ALL Yes, we swear. Long live Pére Ubul ACT It SCENE 1 ‘THE KING'S PALACE Venceslas, Queen Rosemonde, Boleslas, Ladislas and Bougrelas. ‘Te KINO. Monsieur Rougrelss, you were extremely im- pertinent this morning to Monsieur Ubu, Kaight of my Orders and Count of Sandomir. I therefore forbid you to appear at my Review. ‘THE QUEEN But Venceslas, even your whole family would not be overmany to defend you. ‘me KING Madame, I never go back on my word. You weary me with your idle chatter. Yous poucneLas I defer to your wishes, Lord and Father. THE QUPEN Have you decided after all, Sire, to go to this Review? ‘THE KINo And why shouldn't I, Madame? THE QUEEN But once again, haven't I seen him in a dream, smiting you with the foree of his arms and throw-3B 2 Four Modern French Comedies ing you into the Vistula, and an eagle, like the one in the Arms of Poland, placing the crown on his head? THE KING Whose head? ‘Tae quEeN Pére Ubu's. ‘THE KING What nonsense. Monsieur de Ubu is a most ‘upright gentleman who would allow himself to be drawn ‘and quartered to serve me. ‘THE QUEEN & povGR. What a delusion! ‘THE KING Be quiet, you young lout. And you, Madame, 10 prove to you how little I fear Monsieur Ubu, I shall {0 to the Review as I am, unarmed and without a sword. THE QUEEN Fatal imprudence, I shall never see you alive ‘again. ‘THE KING Come Ladislas; come, Boleslas. (They go ou. window.) The Queen and Bougrelas go 10 the ‘THE QUEEN & BoUGR. Nas keep you! ‘THE QUEEN Bougrelas, come into the chapel with me to pray for your father and your brothers. God and the great Saint SCENE 2 THE REVIEW GROUND The Polish Army, the King, Boleslas, Ladislas, Pore Ubu, Captain Bordure and his men: Giron, Pile, Cotice ‘THE KINo Noble Plre Ubu, bring your attendants and take your place near me for the inspection of the troops. Pine uBU (10 his men) King) We are coming. Be ready, you fellows. (10 the Ubu Roi a (Ubu's men surround the king.) ‘we KINO Ab! There's the Horseguards regiment from Dantzick. Upon my word, they are magnificent. péxe uay Do you think so? They look lousy to me. ‘Look at that one. (to the soldier) How Jong is it since you washed your face, vile knave? Tris XING But this soldier is very clean, What's the mat- ter with you, Pére Ubu? vine usu Thist (he stamps on his foot) ie KING Wretch! vine au Shittr! Come on, men! cart, poRDURE Hurrah! Advancel (All strike the King; a polotin explodes.) ‘tue xin¢ Ob! Help! Holy Virgin, I'm dead. otestas (to Ladislas) What's happening? Draw. Pine BU Ahi I've got the crown. After the others, now. At the traitors!t (The King’s sons fle; all pursue them.) SCENE 3 ‘The Queen and Bougrelas. ‘THe QUEEN At last I'm beginning to feel reassured. poucreLAs You have nothing to fear. (A frightfut din is heard outside.) ‘Oh! What do I see? My two brothers pursued by Pére Ubu and his men.44 Four Modern French Comedies ‘THE QUEEN Oh God! Holy Virgia, they're losing, they're losing ground. BOUORELAS The whole army is following Pére Ubu, The King is no longer there. Horrors! Helpt THE QUEEN Boleslas is dead! He's been hit by a bullet. BovoRELAS Hey! Ladislas! Defend yourself! Hurrab, Ladislast ‘THE QUEEN Ob! he's surrounded. BOUCRELAS He's breathed his last. Bordure has cut him in two like a sausage. ‘THE QUEEN Oh! Alas! Those madmen have got into the palace: they're coming up the stars. (The noise increases.) THE Q. AND 3. (on their Knees) Ob God, defend us! BoUGRELAS Oh! That Pre Ubu. The villain, the wretch, if Thad hold of him SCENE 4 The same. The door is broken down, Pre Ubu and his ‘madmen enter. PERE uBU Well, Bougrelas, what do you want to do to me? BOUGRELAS Great God! I shall defend my mother to the death. The first to take 2 step is a dead man. Pine su Ob, Bordure, I'm frightened! Let me get out of here A SOLDIER (advancing) Hands up, Bougrelas. YOUNG souGRELAS Here, scum, this is for you! (He splits his skull.) Ubu Roi 4s ‘TUE QUEEN Stand fast, Bougrelas, stand fast. SEVERAL (advancing) Bougrelas, we promise to, spare ‘your life, sovonELas Rogues, topers hirlings! (He flourishes his sword and slaughiers them.) Fixe usu hI I shall prevail, just the same. novons.as Mather, excape by the secret stairway. ‘tue queen And you, my son, and you? 20vORELAS Til follow you. ping at Try and catch the Queen. Ab! She's got away. AAs for you, my lad. . « (He advances towards Bougrelas:) ‘oucRELAS Ah! Great God! This is my vengeance. Ue rips open Pere Ubu's boodle with a terrible stroke of his sword.) Mother, I'm coming! (He disappears by the secret stairway.) SCENE 5 A CAVE IN THE MOUNTAINS Young Bougrelas enters, followed by Queen Rosemonde. novare.as We shall be safe here. THE QUEEN Yes, I believe so. Bougrelas, help me. (She {falls on to the snow) BOUGRELAS Oh! What's the matter, mother?1B 46 Four Modern French Comedies ‘THE QUEEN I am grievously ill, believe me, Bougrelas. 1 hhave no more than two hours to live. mouGnELAS What! Are you overcome by the cold? ‘THe QUEEN How can I resist so many blows? The King slain, our family destroyed, and you, a scion of the most noble race that ever carried a sword, forced to flee into the mountains like a smuggler. BovoRELAS And by whom, great God, by whom? A vul- ‘ger Pére Ubu, an adventurer who comes no one knows from where, a vile scoundrel, a disreputable vagabond! ‘And when I think that my father had decorated him and made him a Count, and that the next day the villain was not ashamed to lay hands on him . ‘THE QUEEN Oh Bougrelas, when I remember how happy we were before that Pére Ubu came slong, But now, alas! everything is altered. BoUGRELAS It can't be helped. We must wait and hope, and never renounce our rights. THE QUEEN I still hope for you, my dear child, but as for me, I shall never live to see that nappy day. BOUGRELAS Oh! What's the matter? She pales, she falls, Help! But [am in a desert! Oh God! Her heart has stopped beating. She is dead! Is it possible? Another vietim of Pére Ubut (He hides his face in his hands and weeps.) ‘Oh God! How sad it isto find oneselt alone at fourteen ‘with a terrible vengeance to pursue. Ge falls @ prey 10 the most violent despair.) (Meanwhile the souls of Venceslas, Bolestas and Rose- monde enter the Grotto, their ancestors accompany them and fill the Grotto. The oldest of them approaches Bougrelas and genily awakens him.) Ubu Roi 47 povcknias Ab! What do I see? All my family, my ances- tors . . . By what miracle? ‘THE SHADE Learn, Bougrelas, that during my lifetime 1 ‘was Seigneur Mathias of KGnigsberg, the first King and founder of the House. I leave our vengeance in your hands. (He gives him a large sword) And let this sword that I give you find no rest until it shall have dealt death to the usurper. (AN disappear, and Bougrelas is left alone in an attitude of ecstasy.) SCENE 6 ‘THE KING'S PALACE, Pore Ubu, Mere Ubu, Capt, Bordure. Pine usu No, I don't want tot Do you want to ruin me for these buffroons? CAPT, BORDURE But look, Pére Ubu, don't you see that the people are waiting for the gift of the joyous acces- sion? Mine uBU If you don't distribute some meat and gold ‘you'll be overthrown in a couple of hours. vbne uau Meat, yest Gold, no! Slaughter three old mags, ‘that l be good enough for such asses. Mine uBU Ass yourself! How did I get landed with such an animal? pine veu Once and for all, I want to get rich, and I ‘won't part with a sou, MERE RU When we have all the wealth of Poland at cour disposala ‘S) 48 Four Modern French Comedies carr. nonoure Yes, T know that there's a terrific hoard in the chapel; we'll distribute it. Ene au Bastard! if you do that . . . ‘CAPT. BoRDURE But Pore Ubu, if you don't distribute anything, the people won't want to pay the taxes. rine usu Is that really true? MERE UBU Of course itis, ERE UBU Oh well, then, I agree to everything. Get to- ‘gether three millions, cook a hundred and fifty oxen and sheep, especially as I'l have some as well! (They go owt.) SCENE 7 ‘THE COURTYARD OF THE PALACE FULL OF PEOPLE Pere Ubu, crowned, Mére Ubu, Capt. Bordure, lackeys carrying meat. PeopLe Here's the King! Long live the King! Hucraht Ene usu (throwing gold) Here you are, this is for you. It didn't particularly amuse me to give you any money, but you know it was Mére Ubu who wanted to. At least promise that youll rally pay the taxes. Aut Yes, yest CAPT. BORDURE Look, Mére Ubu, how they're fighting ‘over the gold. What’ battle. MERE ua It's truly horrible. Pooh! There's one with his skull split open. pine uBU What a wonderful sight! Bring some more cases of gold. Ubu Rot 4“ carr. nonpune Let's get them to race. vine nv Yes, that's an idea. (To the people) My friends, you see this ease full of gold? It contains 300 (000 gold rose nobles in Polish money, and it's genuine. ‘Those of you who want to race, go down to the end of the courtyard, Start when I wave my handkerchief, and the first to arrive will get the case. As for those who don't win, they can share this other case as a consolation prize. Au Yest Long live Pre Ubu! What a good King! We never saw so much money in Venceslas’ time. Pine unU (Joyfully, to Mére Ubu) Listen to them! (AN the people g0 and line up at the end of the court yard.) . One, two, three, are you ready? AL Yes! Yes! Pine uau Go! (They start of, tripping over each other. Cries and up- roar.) ‘cart. porDuRE They're coming! They're comingt pine ubv And the one in front is losing ground. wine usu No, he's maki it up again, CcaPT, BORDURE Ob! he's loi, he’s lost! It's over. It's the ‘other one, (The one who was second gets in firs.) ALL Long live Michel Federovitch! Long live Michel Federoviteh! MICHEL FEDEROVITCH Site, I really don't know how to thank your Majesty.A OD 50 Four Modern French Comedies Pine vsv Oh my dear ftiend, it's nothing. Take the case hhome with you, Michel, and you, share the other. Take ‘one piece each until there aren't any left. ALL Long live Michel Federovitch! Long live Pére Ubu! PERE UBU And you, my friends, come and have diner! I throw open the doors of the palace te you, come and do justice to my table! PEOPLE Let's go in! Let's go in! Long live Pére Ubu! He is the most noble of sovereigns. (They enter the Palace. The noise of the orgy, which ‘goes on sill the next day, can be heard, The curtain falls.) ACT Tit SCENE 1 ‘THE PALACE Pore Ubu, Mere Ubu PERE BU By my green candle, here T am the King of this country and I've already got myself indigestion and they're going to bring me my big head piece. Mine URU What's it made of, Pére Ubu? because even, if we are the Sovereigns, we must be economical. Pine usu Madame my female, i's made of sheepskin, with a clasp and tiestrings of dogskin. MERE usu That's wonderful, but ful to be King and Queen. PERE UBU Yes, you were Fight, Mére Ubu. Mine usu We owe a big debt of gratitude to the Duke of Lithuania. even more wonder Ubu Roi st PERE URU Who to? Mine unu Why, Captain Bordure. pire usu For goodness’ sake, Mére Ubu, don't speak to me about that buffroon. Now that I don't need him any more he can whistle for it, he won't get his Duke- dom, Mine uu You are very wrong, Pére Ubu, he'll turn ‘against you. pine usu Ob, I'm very sorry for the little man, I worry ‘about him as much as X do about Bougrelas. Mine usu And do you think you've finished with Bou- srelas? Pine au By my financial sabre, of course! What do ‘you expect him to do to me, that little urehin of four- teen? ‘MERE UaU Pére Ubu, pay attention to what I say. Be- lieve me, you should try to attach Bougrelas to you by ‘your good deeds. rine vav Dole out more monoy? Not bloody likely! ‘You've already made me waste at least twenty-two millions. MERE UBU Please yourself, Pére Ubu, but youtl find ‘yourself in the soup. PERE UBU Oh well, you'll be in the soup with me. MERE UBU Listen, once more, I'm sure that young Bou- grelas will get the better of you because he has right on Isn't it just as good to bave wrong ‘on your side as itis to have right? Pooh, you insult me, Mire Ubu, Tl eut you to pieces. (Mére Ubu runs away, pursued by Pére Ubu.)Hd 32 Four Modern French Comedies SCENE 2 ‘THE GREAT HALL OF THE PALACE Pire Ubu, Mére Ubu, officers and soldiers; Giron, Pile, Cotice; Nobles in chains, Financiers, Magistrates, Clerks. PERE UBU Bring the nobles’ coffer and the nobles’ hook ‘and the nobles’ knife and the nobles’ book. And then bring the nobles. (The nobles are brutally pushed in.) Mine usu For goodness’ sake, restrain yourself, Pare Ubu. PERE UBU I have the honour to announce to you that in ‘order to enrich the kingdom I'm going to have all the robles put io death and help myself to their property. Nowtes Horrors! Help, people and soldiers! PERe usu Bring the first noble and pass me the nobles’ ‘hook. Those who are conderaned to death will be passed down the trap door and fall into the basements of the pig-pinching machine and the cash-room where they will bbe disembrained. (To the noble) Who are you, buffroon? NOBLE Count of Vitebsk. pine usu What's your income? NosLe Three million rix-dollars vine usu Condemned! (He grabs hion with the hook and passes him to the pit.) MeRE uRU What beastly savagery! PERE UBU Second noble, who are you? (The noble doesn't reply.) Ubu Roi 3 ‘Are you going to answer, buflroon? Nose Grand Duke of Posen, pine vou Excellent! Excellent. That's all I want to know. ‘Down the trap door. Third noble, who are you? You've ‘ot an ugly mug. NoBLe Duke of Coutland, of the towns of Riga, of Revel, and of Mitau. pine py Good! Fine! Is that all? Nose That's all pine usu Down the trap door, then. Fourth noble, who ‘are you? NoBLE Prince of Podolia. pine vau What's your income? Nose Tam ruined. pine usu For that ugly word—down the trap door with you. Fifth noble, who are you? Noa Margrave of Thorn, Palatine of Polock. pire usu That's not much. Is that all? NoBuz It was enough for me, rine ubu Oh well, a litte’s better than nothing. Down ‘the trap door. What are you nattering about, Mére Ubu? Minz usu You're too bloodthirsty, Pére Ubu. pine usu Huh! I'm getting rich! I'm going to have MY. list of MY property to read. Clerk, read MY list of MY property. cuenx County of Sandomir, Ene uau Begin with the princedoms, stupid ass.of OV 54 Four Modern French Comedies CLERK Princedom of Podolia, Grand Duchy of Posen, Duchy of Courland, County of Sandomir, County of Vitebsk, Palatinate of Polock, Margraviate of Thora, Pine usu Then what? euenk That's all, PERE nu What, is that all? Oh well then, come on, ‘nobles, and as T intend to continue enriching myself I shall have all the nobles executed and thus get hold of all the vacant properties. Come on, pass the nobles through the trap door. (The nobles are shoved through the trap door) Hurry up quicker, I want to make some laws now. SEVERAL That'll be something. ERE UU First I shall reform the law, after which we shall proceed to Finance. MAGISTRATES We are opposed to all change. PERE UBU Shitte! Firstly, Magistrates won't be paid any MaGiSTRATES And what shall we live on? We are poor. ime su You can have the fines that you impose and the property of the people who are condemned to death, A MacisTRATE Horrors! A SECOND Infamy! ‘A ram Shame! ‘A FOURTH Indignity! ‘ALL We object to passing judgment under such conditions. PERE usu All the Magistrates down the trap door! (They struggle in vain) ‘MERE usU Here! What are you doing, Pére Ubu? Who'll administer justice now? Ubu Roi 55 vat vsu Hub! I shall, You'll see bow well itll work. Mine uau Yes, that be a fine mess. Pine uav Look, shut up, buffooness. And now, gentle- ‘men, we shall proceed 10 Finance. emanciens There's nothing to change. pixe vou But I'm going to change everything. In the first place, I intend to keep half the taxes for myself. FINANCIERS What you think of that! pine vau Gentlemen, we shall institute a tax of 10% ‘on property, another on commerce and industry, and @ ‘third on marriages, and a fourth on deaths, each of fif- teen francs. vnnst FINANCIER But its idiotic, Pére Ubu. Seconp FINANCIER It’s absurd, ‘wuRD FINANCIER You can’t make head or tal of it pre usu What d'you think I'am? Down the trap door with the Financiers (The financiers are pushed tn.) MERE aU But look here, Pére Ubu, what sort of a king. <0 you think you are, you Kill everyone. pire usu Oh shittrt nine uny No more Law, no more Finance! vine unu Don't be afraid, my sweet child, I'll go my- self from village to village and collect the taxes.fea) > 56 Four Modern French Comedies SCENE 3 A PEASANT'S HOUSE IN THE ENVIRONS OF WARSAW Several peasants are assembled. ‘A PEASANT (entering) Listen to this. The King is dead, 80 are the Dukes, and young Bougrelas has fled to the ‘mountains with his mother. What's more, Pére Ubu has seized the throne, ANOTHER I've heard even more than that, I've just come from Cracow where 1 saw them taking away the bodies ‘of more than three hundred Nobles and five hundred Magistrates whom they'd killed, and it seems that they're going to double the taxes, and that Péxe Ubu will come and collect them himself. ALL Great God! What will become of us? Pére Ubu's a fearful beast and his family, they say, is abominable, ‘A PeasaNT But Jisten, wouldn't you say that someone ‘was knocking at the dor? ‘A voice (off) Homgibotets! Open, by my shittr, by St. Joba, St. Peter and St. Nicholas! Open, sabre of finance, hhoms of finance! I've come to collect the taxes. (The door is Broken down and Ubu comes in, followed by hordes of rax-collectors.) SCENE 4 PERE UsU Which of you is the oldest? (4 peasant comes forward) What's your name? ‘THE PEASANT Stanislas Leczinski. PERE UBU Well then, horngibolets! Sisten well, or these gentlemen will cut off your earens. But are you going 4 Histen, at least? Ubu Rot 37 ‘stayistas But your Excellency hasn't said anything yet. PRE usu What! T've been speaking for the last hour. ‘Do you think I came here to preach in the wildemess? stiustas Far be it from me, such a thought. vine nv Well, 've come to tell you, to order you, and to intimate to you that you are to produce and exhibit your cash promptly, or you'l be done in. Come on, my Lords the Salopins of Finance, convey here the phy- nancial conveyance. (They bring the conveyance.) STANISLAS Sire, we are only down on the register for a hundred and fifty two rixdollars, and we have already paid those six weeks ago come St, Matthew's day. vine unv Very likely, but I've changed the government ‘and T've had it put in the paper that all the existing taxes must be paid twice, and those that I shall impose later must be paid three times. With this system I shall soon have made my fortune, then I'l kill everybody and 0 away. PEASANTS Monsieur Ubu, have mercy, have pity on us, ‘we are poor citizens vine uu What do T.care? Pay up. Peasants We can't, we've already paid. Pine veu Pay up! or into my pocket with you, with torture and decapitation of the neck and head. Horngi- bolets! 1 am the King, 1 suppose? ‘Aut Ab! So that’s how itis! To armst Long live Bougre- las, by the grace of God, King of Poland and of Lithu- rine usu Advance, gentlemen of Finance, do your duty. (A strugete takes place. The house is destroyed, and old Stanislas runs away alone across the plain. Ubu stays 10 collect the money.)58 Four Modern French Comedies SCENE 5 A DUNGEON IN THE FORTIFICATIONS OF THORN Bordure, in chains. Pére Ubu Exe usu Ab, citizen, so this is where i's got you—you wanted me to pay you what I owed you and you re- volted because T didn’t want to. You started @ con- spiracy, and here you are in jug. Horns of finance, it's worked out all right, and the trick has come off so well ‘hat you must be quite pleased with it yoursol. BonDURE Take care, Pére Ubu. In the five days that you have been King you have committed more murders than it would take to damn all the Saints of Paradise. The Dlood of the King and of the Nobles is erying out for ‘vengeance, and its eries will be heard. Pine usu Ha, my fine friend, you have a glib tongue. I don't doubt that if you were to escape, quite a few com- plications would ensue, but T doa’t think the dungeons of Thorn have ever let out any of the honest fellows who have been entrusted ta them. So that's why T bid you good night, and T advise you to sleep soundly, al- though the rats dance quite a nize saraband here, (ile goes out. The lackeys come and bolt all the doors.) SCENE 6 THE PALACE IN MOSCOW The Emperor Alexis and his court, Bordure. THE czaR ALEXIS Was it you, infamous adventurer, who co-operated in the death of our cousin Venceslas? BonDuRE Sire, grant me your pardon, I was drawn into a it by Pére Ubu in spite of myself. Ubu Rot 59 ‘Avexis Oh what a shocking liar! Never mind, what do you want? sonbuRE Pére Ubu had me imprisoned on the pretext of ‘conspiracy; I managed to escape, and galloped my horse for five days and five nights across the steppes to come ‘and implore your gracious pity. ‘Aupns What do you bring me as proof of your sub- ‘mission? norouRe My sword—the sword of a soldier of fortune, ‘and a detailed plan of the town of Thora. auexs Fl take the sword, but by St. George, burn the plan, 1 don't wish to owe my victory to a piece of treachery. sowoune One of Venceslas’ sons, young Bougrelas, i stil alive, I would do anything to re-establish him. ‘avexis What was your rank in the Polish Army? nonoURE T'was in command of the fifth reginient of Vilna ‘dragoons, and of a company of mercenaries in the sery- kee of Pére Ubu. Avex Very well, [IL make you # subvlicutcuant in the 10th Cossack regiment, and woe betide you if you be- tray me, If you fight well, you shall be rewarded. ponDuRe I don't lack courage, Sire. auexts Good. Diseppear from my presence. SCENE 7 ‘UBU'S COUNCIL CHAMBER Pere Ubu, Mére Ubu, phynancial advisers. pine usu Gentlemen, the session is open, and try and listen properly and keep calm, First of all we shall dealA A 60 Four Modern French Comedies with finance, and then we'll talk about @ little system Ive invented to bring good weather and exorcise rain, AN ADVISER That's fine, Monsieur Ubu, MERE usu What an idiotic man. ERE BU Madame of my shittr, look out, for I shan't tolerate your offensive remarks. 1 must tell you then, gentlemen, thet our finances are not too bad. A consid rable number of dogs in woollen stockings prowls about the streets every morning, and the Salopins are doing wonders. On all sides one sees nothing but burntout hhouses and people bending under the weight of our phynances. ‘THE ADVISER And the new taxes, Monsieur Ubu, are they going well? MERE BU Not in the least. The tax on marriages has only produced eleven sous so far, even though Pére Ubu Pursues people everywhere to force them to metry. vier uav By my financial sebre, horn of my gibolets, Madame the financieress, 1 have earens to speak with and you have a mouth to hear me with (Bursis of laughter) Or rather, no! You put me off, and it's your fault that I'm stupid. But Ubu's horns! (A. messenger centers) Well, come on, what’s the matter with the chap? Get out, oaf, of I'l pocket you with decapitation and wringing of the legs. MERE UBU Ab! he's gone, but there's a letter. PERE voU Read it. I think I'm going out of my mind, ot ‘else I can't read, Hurry up, buffooness, it should be from Bordure. MéRE usu Exactly. He says that the Czar has welcomed him very kindly, that he's going to invade your States and re-establish Bougrelas, and that as for you, you'll be killed. Ubu Rot a pire usu Oho! I'm afraid, I'm afraid! Ob! I think I'm going to die. Ob, poor man that I amt What will be- ‘come of me, great God? That nasty man will kill me. ‘St, Anthony and all the saints, protect me, I'l give you some phynanee and burn candles for you. Lord, what will become of me? (He weeps and sobs.) MéRE Unv There's only one way out, Pére Ubu. rine upu What’ that, my love? axe vau Warll Au Great God, how noble! rine pu Yes, and I'l get knocked about some more, FinsT COUNSELLOR Hurry, let's hurry and organise the army. SECOND And collect the provisions. ‘rau And prepare the artillery and fortresses, FourTa And get the money for the troops. viRE BU Oh no you don't, not money! I'l kill you. 1 don't want to give out any money. What next! T used to be paid to make wat, and now I've got to make it at my own expense. No, by my green candle, let's go to ‘war, since you are so keen on it, but don't let’s pay out ‘AL Hurrah for worl «88 Four Modern French Comedies . vine usu Mm, we'll soon be there. We are just below the castle of Elsinore at the moment. rae ain eel ite cheered up atthe idea of seeing my dear Spain again; come Yess and we'll dazzle our compatriots with tales of our marvelous adventures. Pine nu Mm! I should think so! And IN get mysit ominated Master of Finances in Paris, Mane UDU That's right! Ob, isnt she pitching about! sconce It's nothing, we've just passed the Elsinore fore- lend. Pup (And how our noble ship Jeaps forward over the sombre waves of the North Sea, pine vou Fierce and inhospitable sea that laves the feumtry called Germania, thus named because all ie ‘habitants are cousins-german, MERE uau That's what I call erudition, They say it's a very beautiful country. it can't ever equal Poland. If there werent any Poland ! there wouldn't be any Poles! END ‘And now, since you have listened very nicely, and behaved yourselves, we are going to sing you: CeO!