Gerry Buck Says Buck You

GERRY BUCK SAYS BUCK YOU
FADE IN:
INT. GRADE TWO CLASSROOM - DAY - FLASHBACK
A classroom setting reminiscent of a more innocent time. An

idealistic Leave It To Beaver time.
A CUTE FRECKLED GIRL doodles as the TEACHER reads to CLASS.
TEACHER
The villagers came running up the
hill to help the boy drive the wolf
away. But when they arrived at the
top of the hill, they found no
wolf. The boy laughed at the sight
of their angry faces. Dont cry
wolf, shepherd boy, said the
villagers, when there is no wolf.
Chunky EIGHT-YEAR-OLD GERRY BUCK fidgets. He glances across

the row at the freckled girl. She glances back.
Gerry looks out the window. Jumps up, points and SHOUTS:
GERRY
Look! Those dogs are doing it!
The class dashes to the window, knock over desks and fight
for the best view.
There are no dogs.
The teacher grabs Gerry by the ear and drags him to the door.
Gerry twists to see if the cute girl is impressed. She is
very impressed. She smiles.
The class erupts in LAUGHTER.
The teacher gives Gerry a hard pinch and drags him from the
classroom. The door SLAMS behind them - her high heels CLICK-
CLACK down the hall.
FADE TO:
BLACK TITLE CARD:
The liar will lie once, twice and then perish when he tells
the truth - AESOP
We HEAR a STAGE CREW prepare for a live TV broadcast: FEET

SHUFFLE, CARTS ROLL, HAMMERS POUND, WORKERS TALK outside of:
2.
INT. GERRYS OFFICE - NIGHT
GERRY BUCK (50) - grey-blond, plugged hair, wet eyes and

doughy skin - RAPS and CRUNKS while he listens to an iPod.
Hes pumped up -- confident.
GERRY
... OH NO! The fight's out. I'ma
'bout to punch yo lights out. Get
the fuck back, guard ya grill.
There's somethin' wrong, we can't
stay still. I've been drankin' and
bustin' two and I been thankin' of
bustin' you, upside ya
motherfuckin' forehead...
His office is crammed with TV/RADIO AWARDS and photos of him

with famous people: Golfing with BILL O'REILLY, getting a
nuggy from MEGYN KELLY, clearing brush with G.W. BUSH,
fishing with SARAH PALIN, hunting with TED NUGENT, praying
with PAT ROBERTSON, getting photo-bombed by GLENN BECK and
with local notaries from his SHOCK JOCK days in the 80s.
He is a lousy rapper, but in broadcast he is accomplished.
A big framed photo of his HAPPY FAMILY sits on his desk.
JR. PRODUCER (V.O.)

(from hallway)
Gerry. Were ready for you.
LIVE FEED HD VIDEO MONITOR
Its the set of the PATRIOT NETWORKS GERRY BUCK SAYS BUCK
YOU SHOW. Gerry walks into frame, takes his mark, looks
directly into CAMERA.
He runs through a facial warm-up: Grins. Holds it... Angers.

Holds it... Pouts. Holds it... Jowls tremble. Lips quiver.
Eyes fill with tears. He holds it...
JR. PRODUCER (O.S.)

Gerry. In ten... nine...
Gerry shifts his face to neutral.
A MAKE-UP GIRL steps into frame, wipes his tears and

reapplies make-up.
MAKE-UP GIRL
Thats amazing how you do that.
Like a light switch -- Let me touch
up those pores.
3.
GERRY
Thanks.
The CAMERA widens. It sets focus for a full body shot.

Gerrys Brioni suit is tight around his ample waistline.
JR. PRODUCER (O.S.)

Five... four...
The LIVE FEED changes to VIDEO FEED.
MUSIC UP: JAMES BROWNS Living In America.
Photoshopped images pan across the high-definition monitor:

Gerry as WASHINGTON crossing the Delaware -- Gerry as
JEFFERSON on MOUNT RUSHMORE...
INT. GERRY BUCK SHOW STUDIO - THAT MOMENT
The entire stage is visible.
Photoshopped images continue on a side monitor: Gerry as the

LINCOLN MEMORIAL -- Gerry as the STATUE OF LIBERTY...
Gerry stands in the spotlight and waits.
DON PARDO (V.O.)

And now... The voice of real
America. The patriot of the new
millennium...
INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT
EDITORS, PRODUCERS and Executive Producer, STU HENDRICKS (30)

- congenial, clean-cut young Republican dressed in fresh-
pressed khakis and a crisp, tucked-in button-down - watch a
wall of monitors.
STU
What we in for tonight..?
EDITOR 2
A hundy says he cries?
EDITOR 1
No shit..?
DON PARDO (V.O.)

The man not afraid to say Buck
You to power...
4.
The monitors switch to the LIVE FEED of Gerry from various

angels. CAMERA drifts over the editors shoulders to...
DON PARDO (V.O.)

Geeeerrrrry Buck.
Gerrys face animates.
GERRY
Good evening fellow Americans. Real
Americans anyway. So-called
Americans, yeah, go ahead. Change
the channel. Well wait. Gone?
Good. I think were alone now. And
by alone I mean millions of flag
loving, God fearing Americans.
Yeah! We have become a movement,
people. One to be reckoned with. Y
listening Washington..? You know,
me, folks. Call them as I see them.
Not scared to do it. My haters
though - playa haters - say Im
crazy! Were crazy! Makes my wife
angry to hear it. Crying mad... God
love her... would break my mothers
heart if she were alive.
(writes on chalkboard)
OK. So... They dont want us to
talk about the New World Order...
Bildenburg Group... Illuminati...
Trilateral Commission...
(back to CAMERA)
Fine... Small potatoes, people,
compared to what I have for you
tonight. A distraction for whats
really going on in America.
(Nazi salutes, uses
fingers as Hitlers
mustache, clicks heels,)
Ja wohl, mein Fhrer! Same
diversionary tactics as Hitler.
Heard of that guy?
Editors knowingly look on -- been there, done that.
GERRY (ON MONITOR)

Moa..? Stalin..? Mussolini..? A few
more for you...
5.
EDITOR 1
Theres the wind up...
GERRY
So OK. Now youre saying to
yourself... Gerry..? What..? Seen
something..? Photographs..?
Documents..? Pffft. Havent seen
gravity. Watch.
(jumps)
Gravity. Cant see it, but you
cant deny it! Media will say Im
full of it. Persecute me. Its what
they do. What could little ole me
know that they dont know? Well,
more than I want to, Ill say that
much. But believe me. Im going to
connect the dots right to the top.
GERRY (ON MONITOR)

Listen... Humor me a minute...
EDITOR 1
And... The pitch.
With a hint of Rodney Dangerfield, Gerry cranes his neck.

Looks off camera. Into camera. Nods, points and leans in.
GERRY
Could there be..? Are there...
Alien Lizard Overlords? Wheeeew!
There. Said it. Feels good to get
it out. Yeah, you heard me! Lizard
Alien Humanoids...
LAUGHTER.
EDITOR 2
Oh no he diint...
6.
CAMERA angle changes as Gerry walks to a chalkboard. He draws

a crude sketch of a Lizard Humanoid.
GERRY
Illegal Lizard Aliens! Living
underground. Pulling the strings.
Are there..? No..? Then deny it
Washington, deny it! They denying
it..? Dont hear anything. You..?
The room is glued to the monitors drop-jawed.
Gerry Buck has topped Gerry Buck.
Stu slips out.
GERRY (ON MONITOR)

Is it cause theyre in cahoots with
them? If its so outrageous, such a
crazy idea, well, Mr. President...
deny it.
INT. GERRY AFTER DARK TV STUDIO - NIGHT
Grips, crew and make-up shake their bemused heads.
GERRY (O.S.)
Governments involved in Fascism.
Socialism. Now what? Lizardism?!
Gerry turns into a CUT from a different angle. Takes a moment

to generate faux disgust.
Glares into lens and trembles in the anger hes mustered up.
GERRY
Well Buck you, you cold blooded
reptilians! Buck every last one of
you. Washington wont do anything
about you, but I will! By the time
Im done exposing your scaly hides
to the light of day... well, Ill
say this. It wont be pretty.
7.
EDITOR 2
And cue the water works..!
Editor 2 puts his hand out. Editor 1 reaches for his wallet.
Gerrys jowls tremble. Lips quiver. Eyes fill with tears.
GERRY
Im so scared, people. Scared for
our freedoms. But I swear on my
love for my wife, my children,
memory of my mother, my country...
and all of you. Ill defend our
freedoms from anyone. Lizard Aliens
if I have to.
Composes himself. Then *BING* a big grin.
GERRY (CONTD)
Oh, man. Am I going to open your
eyes today.
Holds grin, CHUCKLES...
JR. PRODUCER (O.S.)

And commercial...
GERRY
(squinting into studio)
Hey Stuie. You out there?
[Lizardism... ratings bonanza...]
JR. PRODUCER (O.S.)

Stu! Set please!
INT. GERRY BUCK SHOW STUDIO - THAT MOMENT
Gerry exits stage right, elbows tight to his sides, walking

like a lizard T-Rex. Crew LAUGHS.
The side video monitor shows a taped commercial for

OCONNOR, OREALLY.
OCONNOR (ON TV)

OConnor, OReally, all the news,
none of the bull. Where you can
count on getting it...
8.
GERRY OCONNOR (ON TV)

(mockingly) (seriously)
Upright and straight. Upright and straight.
Gerry pulls out an iPhone. Reads/types:
GERRY
OConnor, sorry bout your numbers.
Chin up, buddy! Hashtag...
OCocksucker.
(hits send, pockets phone)
Ta-weet. Stuie!
STU
Gerry! Wait up... Jesus.
Stu catches up. Gets in cadence.
STU (CONTD)
Whered you get that stuff, Gerry?
The Twitterati are going crazy.
Lizard Overlords? Gerry, youre
just making things up again, right?
You dont believe that stuff.
GERRY
Ah, Mr. New Executive Producer...
STU
Yeah, thanks again Gerry. My wife
is so proud.
GERRY
Bless her pudgy heart. Hows the
diet going-- Terrorist bump me.
(bumps knuckles with Stu)
Look, Stuie, were going to need
all new graphics. Something lizard-
like. Is there a lizard typeface..?
Maybe some lizard dancers. Kiwis
going to love it.
STU
What... Gerry? Mr. Dancock? Hes
not going to approve anything like
that.
GERRY
You kidding me? Im about to bury
OConnor [the floppy-faced-] Think
lizards would break-dance or pop?.
STU
Maybe dub-step.
9.
SLUGORSKI (O.S.)
Have you gone mad, Gerry?
Network Executive MR. SLUGORSKI (40) - dumpy, wearing a brown

middle management suit and bifocal glasses - rushes up.
Gerry pokes Slugorskis ala the Pillsbury Doughboy.
True to his corporate nature, Slugorski GIGGLES ala the

Pillsbury Doughboy.
SLUGORSKI (CONTD)
Lizardism? Whered you get that?
Seriously. Mr. Dancock is going to
shi- Shoot! Gerry, you cant just
say anything you want. There are
consequences. Repercussions.
STU
Repercussions? Jesus Gerry, that
doesnt sound good.
SLUGORSKI
Just needed two more years and the
kids are out of college. Im so fu-
Hendricks. What the fudge?
STU
I had no idea what he was going to
say, Mr. Slugorski. Honestly. Its
not my fault. Jesus, I got kids
too!
SLUGORSKI
Its just so... so... absurd.
GERRY
Think thats absurd? Hang around,
my friend, Ill show you absurd.
Gerry pulls out his iPhone, types, sends, pockets phone.
ALERTS go off.
Stu and Slugorski pull out iPhones and read.
STU
Jesus Mr. Slugorski, really?
SLUGORSKI
Oh, shoot. Gerry. Thats personal.
10.
GERRY
Whats personal is OConnor
breathing down my neck.
SLUGORSKI
Whats OConnor got to do with
this? Dont mess with OConnor,
Gerry. Were one big happy family
here at Patriot Network. OConnors
on our side.
GERRY
The guys my nemesis. The airbag.
Network family..? He wants my time
slot! You know he wants my time
slot! Put me in a room with him.
Just give me fifteen minutes alone.
Hell need his jaw wired.
SLUGORSKI
Watch it, Gerry.
STU
I think you could take him Gerry.
GERRY
Really?
Gerry does a little shadow boxing. Slugorski ducks.
SLUGORSKI
What?!
STU
Not you, Mr. Slugorski. OConnor.
Gerry and Stu slap box. Slugorskis phone RINGS.
SLUGORSKI
Oh, shoot. Its Mr. Dancock.
GERRY
So Slugo. How is the Kiwi? Butt-
cheeks nice and supple?
SLUGORSKI
(on phone)
Hello Mr. Dancock. Im with him
right now. Im not sure if hes
lost his mind. Yes Sir. I dont
know where he got that stuff. I
believe he just made it up. Yes
sir... Im trying to find out now.
Yes, Ill put him on.
(MORE)
11.
SLUGORSKI (CONT'D)
(covers mouth piece)
Gerry. Mr. Dancock wants to--
Gerry snatches the phone.
GERRY
Hey, Kiwi. Seen my latest numbers?
KIWI (over phone)

(thick New Zealand accent)
Now see here, mate, Ive stuck with
you through heaps of your cock n
bull, but lizard overlords?
Whered you get a notion like that?
Why cant you just play nice like
OConnor? Give it to em Upright
and Straight.
GERRY
Upright and straight to hell!
(flips bird to phone)
Were doing the lizards! Were
doing the lizards!
Gerry throws the phone. Slugorski chases it.
Gerry and Stu slap box some more, bobbing and weaving.
GERRY (CONTD)
See that Stuie. Brass balls. Think
O'Connor has brass balls?
STU
(giggling)
Jesus, Gerry. I dont want to think
about O'Connors balls.
SLUGORSKI
(rushing back)
Let me warn you Gerry, contract
negotiations are coming up. This
isnt going to put you in good
light. Youre going to need to take
back the lizards. Mr. Dancock is
thoroughly pisse-- P.O.d.
STU
Jesus, Mr. Dancock is P.O.d. Maybe
we should listen, Gerry.
JR. PRODUCER (O.S.)

Gerry. Ready in ten, nine...
12.
GERRY
Dancers, Stu. And lizard costumes.
First thing Monday.
STU
Oh, hey. OK. The weekend... Shit.
Gerry lizard walks back to the stage. The crew HOWL.
TWEET ALERTS sound off. Stu and Slugorski pull out iPhones
and read.
Stu looks at Slugorski.
Slugorski HUFFS off.
SLUGORSKI
(blushing)
Not true!
INT. GERRYS OFFICE - NIGHT
Gerry is alone in his office. Its drop-pin silent out in the

studio. He is the last one there.
He RAPS as he reads fan mail and autographs head shots.
GERRY
... And if your friends jump in,
"Ohhh gurrlll", they'll be mo'
dead. Causin' confusion. Disturbin
Tha Peace. It's not an illusion, we
runnin the streets...
He pauses and picks up a letter. A childs writing is

scrawled across it. Gerry reads blankly, revealing nothing.
He reaches for his wallet, fishes out $100 bill, paper clips
it and the letter to a signed head shot. Resumes his RAP:
GERRY (CONTD)
So bye-bye to all you groupies and
golddiggers. Is there a bumper on
your ass? NO NIGGA!
EXT. GERRY BUCK SHOW PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Gerry guzzles a Red Bull, throws it into trash container. He

fishes around in his pants pocket.
Finds his car keys. Hits the remote button.
BLEEP-BLEEP. The lights on a tricked out Hummer blink.

13.
INT. HUMMER - NIGHT
Gerry scans through his radios presets as he drives.
SHOW 1 (ON RADIO)

Think about it. I mean really think
about it, Lizardism? It starts to
explain a lot of things...
SHOW 2 (ON RADIO)

Governments up to no good. Look at
the secret prison camps going up in
the Dakotas. Ill tell you, Bucks
crazy... Crazy like a fox..!
SHOW 3 (ON RADIO)

Who knows, maybe Bucks on to
something... OConnors on the
line. Lets get it upright and
straight...
(Gerry turns it up)
Bob, whats your take on this...
He has stirred the pot. Hes pleased. His iPhone VIBRATES.
INSERT: SEXT of a naked woman on his iPhone. Shes pudgy.
INT. HUMMER - NIGHT
GERRY
Dont do it, Gerry. Come on. Shit.
He grips the wheel and whips through a U-turn. Guns it.
GERRY (CONTD)
[Asshole...]
Gerry thinks better of it. SIGHS. Less enthusiastically, he

makes a return U-turn.
His scrolls through his iPhone.
INSERT: WEDDING PICTURE of Gerry and his WIFE on his iPhone.

Gerry touches call.
INT. HUMMER - NIGHT
He puts the phone on car speaker -- RADIO FADES down.

14.
GERRYS WIFE (OVER PHONE)

Are you nuts!
GERRY
Hey, honey. Just thinking about you-

Lizard Overlords Gerry, do you know
the crap your children are going to
get in school Monday? Do you think
before you talk?
GERRY
But honey, the ratings-

You said youd be home early. The
kids have been waiting all night.
Weve discussed this in counseling.
GERRY
Ill be there in five, honey.

And I should believe that why?
Red and Blue lights flash behind him. A siren WHOOP-WHOOPS.

Gerry checks his rearview mirror.
GERRY
Love ya, Hun, call you right back.

Gerry, dont you dare-
Gerry hangs up. The RADIO FADES back on.
OCONNOR (ON RADIO)

The guys a lunatic. Lizardism? Im
embarrassed to be on the same
network as that nut...
GERRY
(to radio)
Buck you, Buck you, Buck you...
Gerry yanks the steering wheel. The Hummer swings to the side
of the road. He slams on the brakes. He digs for his license
and registration.
We HEAR the police car door open. FOOTSTEPS approach.
An OFFICER TAP-TAP-TAPS on Gerrys window. His uniform fits

like a glove.
15.
Gerry continues to dig as he powers the window down.
OCONNOR (ON RADIO)

Just giving it to you upright and
straight... Its time to say Buck
You to that fruitcake, Gerry Buck.
GERRY
No. BUCK YOU!
Gerry punches and kicks the radio.
The Officer CLEARS HIS THROAT. He SPEAKS with a stereotypical

MURICAN ACCENT.
OFFICER
Are you alone in the car, Sir?
GERRY
Ah... Yeah, Im alone in the car.
Gerry scans the inside of the Hummer -- shrugs.
ZAP. The Officer tases him.
GERRY (CONTD)
(gasping)
Hey! Dont tas- Aaaaarrrgghh!
The Officer tases him again. Holds it. Holds it. Releases.
Gerry picks up his iPhone -- tries to Tweet. He gets ZAPPED

again - slumps in his seat - drools.
The officer opens the car door. He now has a FRENCH ACCENT.
OFFICER
Son of a bitch, youre a fat fuck.
He flops Gerrys limp body over to the passenger side and

gets behind the wheel.
The red and blue lights stop flashing. The police car pulls
up beside the hummer. Its a tiny Smart Car with jury-rigged
lights and siren. A WOMAN is behind the wheel. She looks
over. The Officer nods and the Smart Car zips off.
Gerry stirs - gets ZAPPED again. The Officer grips the wheel,
shifts into drive.
OFFICER (CONTD)
Oooooooh! A Hummer!
FADE TO BLACK.
16.
HUM of fluorescent lights fades in.
INT. WINDOWLESS ROOM - OVERHEAD SHOT
CAMERA peers past a block and tackle, along a rope, past a

metal hook.
Directly below the metal hook - looking up - is Gerry Buck.
He is sitting in a chair stripped to his black boxer-briefs.

His ankles are tied to the legs of the chair with multiple
loops of mountaineer rope. His hands are tied at the wrists
and rest on his lap.
His HOARSE GROAN drowns out the HUM of the florescent lights.
GERRY
Aaaaaarrghhh... Hey! Anybody!
INT. WINDOWLESS ROOM
The walls are constructed of unfinished sheetrock. The floor

is dirty, industrial cement.
Gerry bends over and reaches for his ankles. His belly keeps
him from getting past his calves. He sits back up and stares
at the single, closed door. The only way out.
He tries to stand, falls back onto the chair. He tries again.

Again he falls back onto the chair. Third times the charm.
He balances on the balls of his feet, almost tiptoed.

Wobbles. Steadies himself.
BAM! Hits his head on the hook.
He takes a hop towards the door. The chair drags behind him.
He takes another hop. One more hop and hes at the door.
He leans against it. He grabs the door knob with his tied
hands. Its locked.
He rams his shoulder into it. He shoulders it again.
The chair slides away from the door leaving him leaning at an
unfortunate angle.
He pushes his body out to arms length. Then pushes away from
the door, steadying himself.
He takes a deep BREATH. He loses his balance. SLAPS back into

the chair. SPLAT. The chair falls over backwards.
17.
Gerry sits in the chair, back to the cement, and looks up at

the block and tackle. The pulleys and bolts make it appear to
be laughing at him.
He struggles against the ropes. His belly jiggles.
GERRY
(rasps to a squeak)
Aaaaarghh... aaa...
He rests his head on the cement floor.
VOICE? (O.S.)
Pssst. Pssst.
GERRY
Hello?
VOICE?
Pssst. Pssst...
His eyes pop open wide. He snaps his head up, alert.
He cranes his neck around, scouring the room. One, two, three
walls, the fourth wall has a bracket with the other end of
the block and tackles rope wound around it.
He scans the gap between the sheetrock and the cement. An

antenna slips out from the crack. Then another one. A
COCKROACH scurries out of the wall.
PSSST. PSSST. It HISSES and CHIRPS.
GERRY
Hey, Little Fella. Little Fella do
you eat rope?
(shudders)
Christ. Do you eat flesh?
The Cockroach grooms its antennae.
It pauses -- they seem to consider each other.
GERRY (CONTD)
Dont suppose you could help a
brother out, huh?
The Cockroach scurries to a huge crack in the sheet rock --

squeezes through.
Gerry roles to his side.
Then onto his front.

18.
With the chair riding his back, he inch worms to the cracked
sheetrock -- takes a peek.
INSERT: From outside looking back through the crack, Gerrys

eye ball scans up, down, around - accessing the situation.
He spins around so his hands can reach the crack.
He wriggles the fingers of his right hand into the crack --

then the fingers of his left hand.
He puts his knees to the wall.
Pulls and the sheetrock gives.
Pulls. The crack grows.
Pulls and CRACK, a piece of the wall breaks away sending a

dust cloud sweeping through the room.
A head-sized hole opens into a darkened warehouse.
Gerry SPITS out a fresh, wet plaster wad.
His face is covered with powdered sheetrock.
INT. WAREHOUSE
Gerrys head POPS out of the hole and into the vast, dark
warehouse. He tries to pull his head back in. Hes stuck.
He twists.
He pulls.
He is really stuck.
Gerrys body twists and pulls and jerks.
He props his knees against the wall. Pushes.
We HEAR a large sliding door ROLL OPEN -- ROLL SHUT.
Gerrys body freezes still.

19.
INT. WAREHOUSE
Bright morning sun streams in through two floor to ceiling

sliding doors, across a cluttered work bench, large tool box
and various sized crates.
SILHOUETTES walk through the streaming light into the

warehouse. Its TWO WORKERS, dressed in maintenance uniforms.
They put lunch boxes down on the bench. Pipes roll off the
bench and CRASH to the floor.
WORKER 1
Ouch. Half-assed outfit. Theyre
not paying me enough for this
shit... Hey, Vato? Whatcha gonna
make with all this stuff?
WORKER 2
Something for the French guy. Im
calling it The Narwhal.
(electrical ZAP)
Ouch.
WORKER 1
The wiring sucks here. Let me look.
The Narwhal, huh... Thats like a
fish, right?
(beat)
Hey, man? Is it break-time yet?
Gerrys puffy face turns bright red -- veins pop. His eyes
tear. His damaged voice box RASPS.
GERRY
(containing anger)
Hey! Hello! Hey, over here! Guys!
Guys! Can You help me out?! Stuck!
The workers pause - look at each other.
WORKER 1
Who we got this time?
WORKER 2
No s. Lost the work order.
They walk toward Gerry. Gerry tries to pull his head back in.
They lean down over him. Gerry looks up at them.
The CAMERA moves between their POV of Gerry, and Gerrys POV
of them:
20.
GERRY
Well this is embarrassing. Sup?
Hey. So whats going on here? This
about ransom, man? I hate to tell
you. Im cashed out. Three ex-
wives, know-what-I-mean. Otherwise,
you know, not a problem...
WORKER 2
He look familiar to you?
WORKER 1
Looks kinda dopey.
GERRY
Gerry Buck. Gerry Buck Says Buck
You. TVs Gerry Buck. Every day at
six on the Patriot Network.
(ala Pardo)
Geeeerrrrry Buck!
WORKER 2
Oh yeah. Hes the guy makes up all
that crazy stuff. Gerry Buck. I
sometimes catch the end of his
show. On right before OConnor.
WORKER 1
Hey, I watch OConnor too.
WORKER 2
I like him cause he gives it to you
upright and straight.
GERRY
OCocksucker? Really? OCocksucker?
(lets loose)
Ya Bozos! [Flunkies...] Wheres
your fucking boss? Where is he?
Youre not getting ransom from me!
Earn your money like everyone else.
(diminished to squeak...)
Do I look like a welfare state? Do
I look like a welfare state?
WORKER 2
OCocksucker... funny.
WORKER 1
Still dont recognize you.
GERRY
(... barely audible)
Get me out of here!
21.
Worker 2 walks to the bench.
Worker 1 walks to the door of the windowless room. Unlatches

it and disappears inside.
Worker 2 returns with an oil can.
GERRY (CONTD)
Hey? Hey, you... Shit, Im sorry...
Just a little upset here. The whole
Bozo flunky thing... Hey, lookit. I
was kidding about the ransom. If
you get me outta here, I can pay. I
can pay you to let me go, OK?
PALUNK - PALUNK. Worker 2 squirts oil over Gerrys head --

down around his neck.
GERRY (CONTD)
Hey!
WORKER 1 (O.S.)
Try pushing from your side, Vato.
Unseen, Worker 1 starts yanking on Gerry.
Gerrys chin WHACKS the edge of the sheetrock.
Worker 2 gets down on the cement.
He plants a work boot against Gerrys oiled up head. In

unison they yank and push on Gerry.
POP. Gerrys head, and Worker 2s boot, disappear into the

windowless room.
Gerry lays on his side, his head dripping oil.
Worker 1 exits.
GERRY
Hey. What are you doing? Dont
leave me here! I said I can pay!
The door is re-latched.
A fresh piece of sheet rock is placed against the hole. An

electric screw gun secures it in place.
22.
GERRY (CONTD)
(wheezing)
Hey! I can put you on my show.
Really. You can be on the Gerry
Buck Show... And Ill pay. Honest!
WORKER 2 (O.S.)
Ive seen your show, man...
A large switch is thrown.
JOURNEY BLASTS over loudspeakers.
WORKER 1 (O.S.)
(singing along off key)
Dont stop believing...
INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY
Stu is naked except for yellow thong underwear - a banana

hammock - and a dog collar. He is well hung.
He walks down a long hallway towards a partially open door.

Trips over a childs toy.
MRS. STU (O.S.)

Stu, sweetie, hurry up. The kidsll
be home in an hour.
Stu HEARS a TWEET ALERT - turns and briskly walks the other
way, his banana hammock in full swing.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
He picks up his iPhone.
INSERT: GERRY BUCK TWEET: Taking well deserved break everyone

#pooped tout l'heure.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
STU
(reading)
... tout... l'heure.
He purses his lips. Tweets back.

23.
INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY
MRS. STU (O.S.)

Stuie!
CAMERA follows Stus butt-cheeks as he scrambles down the

hall to the bedroom. He trips over another toy.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
MRS. STU, pudgy and dressed in skin-tight red rubber, is

lounging on the bed.
MRS. STU
Speak to me some nasty bedroom
German.
Stu draws the curtains. He doesnt notice a Smart Car pulling

up outside.
Gerry is curled up on the floor, forearms against his ears.

Journeys Any Way You Want It quits mid-lyric.
Gerry cranes to look around -- jumps.
Leaning over him is a HOODED MAN.
He is emaciated, bruised, stripped to his briefs and tied to

a chair. His fingertips are wrapped in gauze - feet curled
and broken.
The black hood muffles his speech.
HOODED MAN
Hey. You up? You up?
GERRY
Who are you..?
HOODED MAN
Good. We got to get our story
straight before he gets here.
GERRY
Who?
HOODED MAN
He! The guy! The guy! The guy!
24.
GERRY
What guy? Who are you?
HOODED MAN
What ever happens, we dont know
each other. Got it? Weve never
seen each other before.
We HEAR the large sliding door ROLL OPEN.
HOODED MAN (CONTD)

(hushed)
Hes here... We never saw each
other before!
GERRY
Buddy, I dont-
HOODED MAN
(hushed)
Shhhhh..! Its him.
We HEAR the Officers FRENCH ACCENT again.
OFFICER (O.S.)
You couple of evil... Its better
than I imagined.
WORKER 2 (O.S.)
We nicknamed it The Narwhal. Look.
Its remote controlled. I jury-
rigged it from one of those toy
trucks.
WORKER 1 (O.S.)
Those things will scoot, man.
WORKER 2 (O.S.)
Weve got these to test it on.
We HEAR a THUMP -- VIBRATING, CHURNING -- The lights dim,

brighten -- Then THUNK, we HEAR a WET EXPLOSION.
The men LAUGH.
OFFICER (O.S.)
They up?
GERRY
(still hoarse)
Yeah, asshole! Were up!
25.
HOODED MAN
(hushed/terrified)
Dont piss him off! Were dead.
Dead!
The LAUGHTER stops.
FOOTSTEPS cross the hard cement.
Gerrys bloodshot eyes follow the sound.
They stop at the door. The door is unlatched.
Gerry watches the doorknob wide-eyed. It slowly turns...
The door SLAMS open.
Gerry jumps. The hooded man SHRIEKS -- The Officer enters.
He is dressed elegantly in a dark suit and shirt with an open

collar, ala Sarkozy.
The door swings shut with a hesitant... CLICK.
Gerry strains to look up over his knees.
GERRY
You? That cop-- Hey! You tased me!
HOODED MAN
(sobbing)
Please, God...
The Officer walks up behind the Hooded Man.
He strokes his hood like he were petting a dog.
WHISPERS into his ear.
OFFICER
Shhhhhhh... Its OK. Shhhhhh...
(to Gerry)
You two getting reacquainted?
GERRY
Listen- I dont...
(sits up - cant hold it)
Umpf... I dont know who you are.
Dont know what you want. Heres
what I know: There are millions of
Gerry Buck fans looking for me
right now. And theyre pissed. When
they find you? Well its out my
hands then. Seen my numbers?
(MORE)
26.
GERRY (CONT'D)
Might want to check them out. You
are about to be in a world of hurt.
Capice, monsieur?
The Officer pulls out an iPhone.
OFFICER
I believe your fans think youre
taking a break, Mr. Buck.
(types something, sends)
Your fans dont seem to be able to
tell your bullshit from anybody
elses. Never leave your Twitter
account open, Mr. Buck. You never
know who might use it. Youre
trending, by the way.
(squats down to Gerry)
Oh, look. Voice mail!
INSERT: CAMERA LOOKING DOWN ON GERRY
A little drool hangs at the corner of his mouth. His iPhone

drifts into scene. The Officers finger touches play.
GERRYS WIFE (VOICE MAIL)

Dammit Gerry. Answer the phone. I
know its on, I can see the stupid
Tweets. Youre drinking again,
arent you? How could you do this
to your kids? Im so angry right
now. And scared. You said youd be
home. Gerry..? Where are you?
GERRY
Just shoot me.
The officer pockets Gerrys iPhone.
OFFICER
Women. Am I right?
HOODED MAN
I dont want to die...
The Officer stands from his squat. He pets the Hooded Man,
again, calming him.
GERRY
You elitist... Im Gerry Buck. You
cant treat me like this.
(MORE)
27.
GERRY (CONT'D)
(strained squeak)
Gerry Buck!
The Officer listens, amused. He stomps around, hands on hips.
OFFICER
Im Gerry Buck. Im Gerry Buck. Im
going to save your freedoms! Buck
You, fascists! You Hiltler-Nazi-
socialist-commies-freeloading-anti-
American-athiest-elitist-border
crossing illegal immigrants! And as
a Frenchman, my favorite: surrender
monkeys! Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Miss anyone?
GERRY
I never said surrender monkeys.
OFFICER
Sure you did.
GERRY
Like it. But no.
OFFICER
Im pretty sure...
GERRY
Nope. The Simpsons.
OFFICER
That cartoon?
GERRY
Yep. The Simpsons.
OFFICER
So Ive mistook a cartoon for you?
GERRY
Yeah.
OFFICER
Sacrebleu! Still. You get my point.
(pauses, smiles)
First thing first.
The Officer grabs the hook from the block and tackle. He ties
the rope into a noose and dangles it over Gerry.
We see Gerrys panicked look through the nooses loop.

28.
GERRY
What are you going to do with that?
OFFICER
Impressed?
(ties a slip-knot)
I learned as a Boy Scout.
Fdration du Scoutisme Franais.
Yes! Boy Scouts in France! What
will those Europeans abscond with
next? Democracy..? Were you a Boy
Scout, Mr. Buck?
He SNAPS the slip-knot and it disappears.
He bends down towards Gerry.
GERRY
Dont you touch me. Dont you touch
me. Help! Help!
HOODED MAN
Help! Help! Help!
Gerry swings his tied hands at the Officer. He ducks away,

hooks the rope on the back of Gerrys chair. He unties the
other end of the rope from the wall bracket and pulls.
Gerrys chair slowly rises.
It lands on all four legs. THUMP. The Hooded Man SHRIEKS.
The Officer unhooks the rope. Rewinds the other end on the
bracket. Turns back. Stands straight. Raises his right hand
in the three-fingered Boy Scout salute.
OFFICER
On my honor I will do my best to do
my duty to God and my country and
obey the Scout Law, to help other
people at all times to keep myself
physically strong mentally awake
and morally straight... So... Not a
Boy Scout then?
GERRY
Look. Give me my phone. I can call
and transfer funds. You know,
within reason... How much we
talking about?
OFFICER
Ah, Mr. Buck. If only this were
about money.
(MORE)
29.
OFFICER (CONT'D)
Youd be free and Id be sipping
Champagne and nibbling on - what
would a world traveler like you
guess - frogs legs? Es-car-got?
Thats snails, Mr. Buck.
GERRY
I know what escargot is. Im not an
idiot.
OFFICER
(taken aback)
My, my. Youre cultured. Hmmm... So
as I was saying. Not everything in
this world, is about money. I would
say thats a more American point of
view. My point of view? Money is
maybe second or third.
(reflects a moment)
OK. Down to business. Im going to
ask you a question, Mr. Buck, and
if you answer, with the truth, Ive
been authorized to let you go.
Untie you and let you walk right
out of here. Just tell the truth.
On the other hand, if you wont
tell the truth Ive also been
authorized to get it anyway
possible.
(nudges Hooded Man)
Isnt this right?
(Hooded Man whimpers)
Oh, maybe a simple thing like, I
dont know... like waterboarding..?
GERRYS IMAGINATION
A towel is put over Gerrys face. Water is dumped on it.

Gerry GASPS.
The Officer motions to the Hooded Mans wrapped fingers.
OFFICER
... Or a little manicure, like your
friend there...
30.
GERRYS IMAGINATION
Gerrys hand is tied the arm of a chair. Pliers grasp a

fingernail and pull.
The Hooded Man twists in relived pain.
OFFICER
Personally I prefer to roll old
school...
GERRYS IMAGINATION - SERIES
QUICK CUTS of Gerry being tortured.
OFFICER (V.O.)
... The Choke Pear...
A pear-shaped metal body, divided into spoon-like segments

spread apart by turning a screw, is shoved into Gerrys
mouth. The screw is turned.
OFFICER (V.O.)
... Heretics Fork...
A length of metal with two opposed bi-pronged "forks" is

strapped around Gerrys neck so the sharp prongs stick under
his chin and into his sternum, piercing the skin whenever he
nods asleep.
OFFICER (V.O.)
... Tucker Telephone...
An old-fashion crank phone is wired to Gerrys big toe and

his genitalia. The crank is turned. Gerry is shocked.
The Hooded Man squirms into a bizarre contortion, apparently

having been put through all of this.
OFFICER
Oooo, maybe the Brazen Bull.
HOODED MAN
Whats that..?
31.
GERRYS IMAGINATION
Its a hollow, brass bull with a door in the side. Gerry is

stuffed in. Door is shut. Firewood, stacked under the bulls
belly, is lit.
Outside we HEAR a THUNK -- VIBRATING, CHURNING -- lights dim,

brighten -- a WET EXPLOSION. LAUGHTER.
OFFICER
(re: the noises)
Of course this is very last minute
so all we have here is what we
could find. But dont worry, we can
be pretty resourceful.
GERRY
I dont negotiate with terrorists.
OFFICER
(whips off Mans hood)
Thats what he said. Voil.
The Hooded Man winces from the bright light. His left eye is
swollen shut. He trembles. Cowers. Avoids eye contact.
OFFICER (CONTD)
Take a closer look Mr. Buck. Look
familiar?
GERRY
(re: beaten face)
Christ...
The Officer whips out a homemade, metal zip gun and puts it
to Gerrys head.
OFFICER
A zip gun. Something else I learned
in Boy Scouts.
(re: Hooded Man)
Look closely, Mr. Buck.
HOODED MAN
Oh god, dont kill me please.
Gerry twist and strains forward. The Hooded Man, eye wide in
panic, shakes his head and mouths no.
32.
GERRY
Look. I dont know this guy. Never
seen him in my life. Right buddy...
OFFICER
You certain, Mr. Buck?
GERRY
I dont know him.
The Officer snaps the zip gun over to the Hooded Man.
He pushes slowly against his forehead, slides it down, stops

it directly between his eyes at the bridge of his nose.
OFFICER
Mr. Buck says he doesnt know you.
The Officer steps aside giving the Hooded Man full view of
Gerry. Gerry shrugs.
The Hooded man looks at Gerry. Squints. Looks at the Officer.
The Officer scratches his nose with the gun. Uses it to point
to Gerry.
OFFICER (CONTD)
Sil vous plat...
GERRY
Itll be OK buddy. Tell him. Tell
him the truth.
HOODED MAN
Oh God, oh God.
GERRY
You can do it. Tell him.
HOODED MAN
OK... OK...
The Hooded Man Takes a deep BREATH.
HOODED MAN (CONTD)

Yes! Yes! I know him. Gerry Buck.
GERRY
What!? What are you- You crazy
fuck! What are you doing?! Not from
TV. Everyone knows me from TV.
(to Officer)
Youve said my name, like five
times.
33.
HOODED MAN
Gerry. I cant die. I just cant
die! You said tell the truth.
(to Officer)
We go to the same happy hour.
GERRY
Im five years sober!
HOODED MAN
Gerry, hed a beat it outta you
anyway. We struck up a sort of
friendship.
GERRY
I dont know you! I dont know you!
Shut up!
HOODED MAN
Jigs up Gerry. Might as well
confess. He told me he knew some
guy. With some secret. Its so
fuzzy. Wed been drinking a lot.
Gerry, tell him. Its all over now.
GERRY
Stop talking! Just stop talking.
The Officer grabs Gerry by the throat and tilts him back on
the chairs rear legs.
He firmly presses the zip gun against his temple.
He slides it along Gerrys sweat-slick jaw and forces it into

his mouth -- pushes it deep into Gerrys throat.
He twists the gun this way and that.
He pulls the gun from Gerrys mouth.
Without looking, points it behind him.
OFFICER
Anything else to add?
HOODED MAN
Thats all I know. We were very
drunk. Gerry, tell him. Gerry, save-
ZAP. The zip gun fires.
Gerry hyperventilates.
He tries to look around the Officer to see the Hooded Man.

34.
The Officer lets go of Gerrys throat.
Gerrys chair SMACKS back on all four.
OFFICER
One question and one answer. What
do you think, Mr. Buck? Ready?
The Officer steps aside revealing the Hooded Man slumped dead
in his chair - a ball bearing lodged between the eyes.
Gerry shakes his head and mouths no.
OFFICER (CONTD)
Who has the big mouth?
GERRY
Huh..?
WHAM! Gerry gets smacked with the zip gun.
GERRY (CONTD)
What, Son of a bitc-
WHAM! He gets smacked again.
OFFICER
GERRY
I dont-
WHAM!
OFFICER
GERRY
I dont know?
WHAM!
OFFICER
Gerrys face is wet with tears. He is drooling. Bleeding.
He opens his mouth.
WHAM!
OFFICER (CONTD)
35.
GERRY
Fuck!
The Officer raises the zip gun in the air.
Gerry looks up.
The zip gun crashes down on Gerrys head over and over and
over and over.
OFFICER
Who... has... the... big... mouth?
WHAM! Gerry is smacked flat over in his chair.
GERRYS POV
The ceiling, walls, block and tackle, and the Officer wave in
and out of focus.
OFFICER
Make no mistake, Mr. Buck. You will
tell the truth.
INT. WINDOWLESS ROOM - GROUND LEVEL - COCKROACH POV
COCKROACH-CAM, antennas sticking out in front:
From the darkness of the gap between the wall and floor, the
Cockroach sees the Officer leave the room.
The door is re-latched.
The Cockroach scurries up to Gerry.
Grooms its antennas.
Gerrys head lulls.
A gob of bloody saliva... drips. The Cockroach scoots away,

just in time. SPLASH.
It creeps back -- tastes the saliva.
We HEAR a THUMP -- VIBRATING, CHURNING -- The lights dim.
The Cockroach scurries back into the gap -- looks out into
the warehouse.
The Two Workers are at the bench.

36.
INT. WAREHOUSE - GROUND LEVEL - COCKROACH POV
The Cockroach scurries across the floor, around the crates,

past the Workers work boots and under the work bench.
THUNK, there is a WET EXPLOSION.
Pink fleshy chunks rain down on the cement floor.
A pink fleshy chunk slides under the workbench.
The Cockroach approaches it cautiously.
Tastes it.
Begins eating it.
Gerry is in the chair, flat on his back against the cement.
He has a large gash on his forehead. His nose is broken. His

eyes are black. Dry blood covers his face, runs down his neck
to the floor, pools beside the taser burns on his rib cage.
He stares up past the HUMMING florescent lights. SIGHS...
GERRYS IMAGINATION
Gerry tumbles up a dark tunnel towards beautiful white light.
A FIGURE OF A WOMAN walks toward him through the haze. She

slowly becomes visible. She is a JUNE CLEAVER look-a-like.
GERRY
Ma...
MA
Gerry..? Honey? What are you doing
here? Mommys busy...
GERRY
Ma, Im in trouble. Real trouble.
MA
Of course you are, Honey. All that
running off at the mouth. We all
warned you. Remember your second
grade teacher?
GERRY
Miss Cumbersal?
37.
MA
Miss Cumbersal. I liked her. She
warned you, Sweetie. Remember?
GERRY
But Ma-
MA
Sorry youre in trouble, Honey.
CHRIST walks out of the haze. He look peaceful, calm and

compassionate. The best version of Jesus ever imagined.
He takes Gerry by the arm and leads him away.
JESUS
Sorry dude, you got to go.
GERRY
What? You ungrateful... Ive
plugged you on my show!
JESUS
For that transgression, I forgive
you. Im chill like that, man.
GERRY
This is my fantasy, God dammit!
JESUS
Hey, hey, dude! Watch the potty
mouth.
GERRY
Ma!
Gerry tumbles back through the dark tunnel towards green

florescent light.
MA (O.S.)
Nice to catch up, Honey.
GERRY
[Yeah, right...] Love you too, Ma!
Fuck you very much, Hey-Zeus!
Gerry yells up at the ceiling.
GERRY
Good to know I can count on you
guys!
38.
He considers the laughing block and tackle.
The Cockroach PSSST PSSTs. Gerry twists his head.
GERRY (CONTD)
What a load of bullshit...
(sighs)
Im screwed, huh, Little Fella?
The Cockroach runs one antenna through its mouth. Then the
other antenna.
Gerry raises his hands and studies them. Brings the rope to
his mouth -- tries to get a decent bite.
Opens his mouth wider. Chomps down. Gnaws. Gnashes.
GERRY (CONTD)
Oooooooow!
Gerry pulls the rope from his mouth. A single tooth is

embedded in the fibers.
He rolls over onto his stomach, the chair on his back. He

inchworms towards the door.
He twists his head, cheek to cement. Studies the doorknob.
We HEAR a large sliding door ROLL OPEN - ROLL SHUT.
Then the CLICKS of high-heels.
Gerry reverse inchworms away from the door.
WORKER 1 (O.S.)
Yo, Mamacita. Que pasa?
WOMAN (O.S.)
(Mexican accent)
Chingate... Hey? Whats that?
WORKER 2(O.S.)
Its for him.
WORKER 1 (O.S.)
Call it The Narwhal, like the fish.
WOMAN (O.S.)
Pendejo... Es una ballena.
Gerrys cranes his neck around as his eyes follows the sound
of high-heels CLICKING across the cement.
39.
Gerrys cranes his neck around the other way as the high-
heels cross back, this time accompanied by a SQUEAKING wheel.
WOMAN (O.S.) (CONTD)

Can you give me a pump?
WORKER 2 (O.S.)
Which one?
WOMAN (O.S.)
All four. Nothing wrong with being
conscientious...
(sweetly)
Pendejo...
An oil can PALUNK, PALUNKS.
Gerry twists and turns towards the door as the high heels
approach. First his head, then his shoulders and chest. His
butt sticking up in the air.
GERRY
[No, no, no, no...]
The door is unlatched, doorknob turns. Door swings open.
A carts wobbly caster wheel enters, followed by black

Christian Louboutin heels. Slim ankles grow out of them.
WOMAN (O.S.)
Well, the famous Gerry Buck. Not at
all what I was expecting.
Gerry scans up smooth calves to a slim-cut pencil skirt slit

up to there. A well manicured hand drops down to block his up-
skirt view.
A beautiful face bends down into his eye-line.
Almond eyes. Petite nose. Swollen lips.
Its THE DOCTOR - sexy, sophisticated, Latina. The woman from

the Smart Car. She has a white lab coat on over a silk shirt
that smartly displays her bosom.
She arches a sleek eyebrow.
DOCTOR
No free-bees, Poppy!
Gerry twists back around and lies flat on his back. He looks
up at her from between his knees.
40.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
Peek-a-boo. Nothing to say? Have I
taken your breath away?
GERRY
I, ah... no Im... Hey...
DOCTOR
I heard you were a sweet-talker.
The Doctor fiddles with something on the cart.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
So theyve sent a woman to do the
job a man couldnt get done. A
woman in a position of power. What
do you know about that? Let me tell
you. This is something new in this
old boy organization.
(checks watch)
Tick-tock. Tick-tock. No time to
waste. Lets get started.
(reaches for Gerry, he
flinches)
Dont worry. Im the good cop,
Poppy. Give me your hands.
Gerry raises his hands. The Doctor fastens the hook onto the
rope around Gerrys wrists.
She unwraps the rope from the wall bracket and pulls.
THUMP. Gerrys chair is righted.
She keeps pulling, his arms stretch into the air.
GERRY
Hey, hey, hey!
DOCTOR
Too high?
She pulls him even higher, his butt dangling above the chair.
She ties off the rope.
She takes a towel from the cart and wipes the blood, sweat
and sheetrock dust from his face and smooths his hair.
GERRY
What are you going to do to me?
DOCTOR
Im going to help you, Mr. Buck.
41.
She dunks the towel into a basin on the cart and dabs his
taser burns. She applies salve and a gauze bandage.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
So, you are a fibber, Mr. Buck.
GERRY
What?
DOCTOR
Concoct stories? Stretch the truth?
Just like my Ex. Lie, lie, lie, lie
all day long. What is it with you
men? He left a large hole where my
heart used to be, Mr. Buck.
INTERCUT SERIES OF TIGHT CLOSE-UPS - FLASH BACKS
- The Doctor, tears and mascara staining her flush cheeks.
- A HANDSOME, ARROGANT MAN with glaring eyes.
- A well manicured hand being thrust towards a hairy chest.
- The mans eyes popping wide in surprise.
- The hand holding a still-beating heart.
- The Doctor eyes smiling, then casting downward.
- We HEAR a body THUMP onto the ground.
The Doctor has her hand out balled in a fist as if she were
still clutching the heart. She then points to her eye.
DOCTOR
Ojo por ojo. You know, he had time
to apologize before he hit the
floor. Never did. Never tell tall
stories to a woman, Mr. Buck. She
will mess you up.
GERRY
Look. What do you guys want from
me? Man! I just dont know what you
people want!
DOCTOR
We just want a name, Mr. Buck.
Thats all. Then were done.
42.
GERRY
Whos name?
DOCTOR
El hombre con la boca grande,
tonto.
GERRY
I dont know what the hell youre
talking about? I tried to tell that
French guy. Come on!
DOCTOR
I know. [So predictable.] A little
honey. This will catch the fly.
GERRY
What?
DOCTOR
Uno momento, por favor.
She opens a compact and checks her make-up. Straightens her

coat. Unbuttons her top shirt button. Adjusts her breasts.
She stands straight and takes a DEEP BREATH while passing her
hand past her face, becoming even more sultry.
She whips her hair back, SMACKS her ass and stares Gerry in
the eye.
Smiles. Saunters up. Bends over, her cleavage in his face.
She places her hand on his thigh and slowly moves it up.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
Tell me. Tell me what I want to
know, you big, strong man. Id be
so grateful.
GERRY
What?
She hovers near his face, blows in his ear. WHISPERS.
DOCTOR
You can tell me, Poppy. Who has the
big mouth?
GERRY
I dont-
She brushes her hair over his face. She jiggles her breasts.
43.
DOCTOR
Tsk, tsk. Dirty boy. Bad boy. Bad
bad boy. Go ahead. You can tell me,
Poppy. I know you want to.
GERRY
I dont know who youre looking
for...
She stands, whips her hair back, SMACKS her ass -- pouts.
DOCTOR
What? You dont like women, Mr.
Buck? Tell me the truth.
GERRY
No- I...
DOCTOR
No?
She leans in and gives him a long deep kiss. She slowly pulls
away. Gerry is breathless.
She sucks her index fingers. One, then the other. She swirls
them around his nipples.
She blows on each nipple -- then gives them a light pinch.
GERRY
Ooooo.
DOCTOR
Tell me. Please?
GERRY
Well, I... oooh.
DOCTOR
Please, Poppy?
GERRY
Bob... Bob. Its Bob.
DOCTOR
See, Poppy, its not so hard. Bob?
GERRY
OConnor. Bob OConnor...
DOCTOR
Bob OConnor? This is the guy with
the big mouth? Recto y sincero
Roberto OConnor? Qu?
44.
GERRY
Yes. He has a... boca muy grande?
Her nostrils flare. Her face flushes. She grabs his nipples
and twists.
GERRY (CONTD)
Aaargh. What the..?!! Aaarggh, good
cop, good cop, good cop...
She twists his nipples the opposite way. Pulls. She stretches
them out from his chest. He squirms helplessly.
DOCTOR
Youre all the same. Pigs!
She snatches his broken nose and POPS it back into place.
She picks up a FedEx envelope from the cart and opens it. She
takes a smaller envelope from the FedEx envelope and pours
its contents in a glass of water and stirs.
She adjusts a bendy-straw, slips it into the glass, holds it

to Gerrys lips.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
Thirsty?
He turns his head away.
She claws his groin and squeezes.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
Please, Poppy.
GERRY
OK. OK. OK..!
She puts the straw to his dry lips.
DOCTOR
Good. All of it. Go on.
GERRY
Im so thirsty.
DOCTOR
Yes you are, Poppy.
She places the glass on the cart -- puts on rubber gloves.
She squats down in front of him, looks up at him from between

his legs and reaches for the waistband of his black briefs.
45.
Gerry clamps his knees together.
She tickles him.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
Come on. Whos the good boy?
He GIGGLES. She snatches his waistband and yanks his briefs

to his ankles.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
(re: penis)
Awwww... Hola, poco chico.
She unties the block and tackle. Raises him higher. Ties the
rope back off.
She picks up a bedpan from the cart. Sambas over to him

shaking it in the air and tapping against her hip like a
tambourine. Slides it under him.
She crosses her arms -- checks her watch -- taps her foot.
She makes pinching motions with her fingers. Gerry flinches.
His stomach RUMBLES.
He starts to squirm.
GERRY
Oh God!
Gerry goes. And goes. And goes.
The Doctor holds her nose. Nods towards the glass.
DOCTOR
Laxative. Made from a plant only
found in the Brazilian Rain
Forest... Done?
GERRY
AAhhhh... God!
He nods sheepishly -- goes more...
She picks up the bedpan and puts it into the cart. She takes
a Comfort Wipe Butt Wiper from her tray. Wipes him.
DOCTOR
(re: comfort wipe)
What do you think? Meh?
46.
She puts the comfort wipe into the cart. Neatly covers the
wipe and bedpan with a towel. Takes off the rubber gloves.
She pulls a small vial and a syringe from the FedEx envelope.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
Also from the rain forest. Among
other things, its a truth serum.
The only known negative side effect
is the loss of bowel control, which
weve already taken care of. Any
lasting effects? Well I guess well
see. Do you have high blood
pressure?
GERRY
No. What?
DOCTOR
Diabetes?
GERRY
No.
DOCTOR
Smoke? Drink?
GERRY
Dont drink.
DOCTOR
Its important.
GERRY
No drinks.
DOCTOR
Liar.
She puts the syringe into the vial -- draws out the serum.
Taps the syringe. Squirts a bit of serum out.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
Im excited to try this.
GERRY
I dont-- Ow!
She jams the syringe into his arm and injects him.
DOCTOR
Up here, Poppy.
Gerry looks up.

47.
The Doctor grabs hydrogen-peroxide from the cart and dumps it

on his gashed forehead.
He SCREAMS and wriggles -- begins to GIGGLE.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
Good. Its beginning to work.
She gets a needle and suture from the cart.
She sticks a needle through his skin from one side of his
gash. Then through the skin on the other side of the gash.
She pulls tight.
Gerry LAUGHS.
She sticks the needle through the gashed skin again.
She pulls even tighter.
He bites his lip. GUFFAWS.
She puts her knee to his chest and pulls the stitches,
stretching the skin of his forehead as far as she can.
Gerrys face pulls taught like a bad face lift.
He SCREAMS -- it turns to rolling LAUGHTER.
She ties off the stitches -- trims the strings.
Gerry slumps. He is slack-faced and drooling.
She gets two band-aids from the cart.
Applies a band-aid to his right nipple. One to his left.
She squats down and pulls up his briefs.
GERRY
(giggling)
No. Stop... I hardly know you.
She lowers Gerry onto the seat and unhooks his arms.
DOCTOR
Never mess with a woman Mr. Buck.
GERRYS POV: SLOW MOTION
She tosses her hair... SMACKS her ass... and walks out.
The... door... shuts...
48.
SLAAAA A A A A --
Gerry sees sound waves moving towards him.
The waves move into one ear...
INT. GERRYS BRAIN - HALLUCINATION
Through his waxy ear canal past the hammer and anvil -- Into
the brain -- Floats over the grey matter -- Past a tumor --
An aneurism -- Misfiring synapses... ZAP... ZAP -- Past the
other hammer and anvil -- Through another waxy canal -- And
out the other ear.
INT. WINDOWLESS ROOM - HALLUCINATION
-- A A A A A AAAM.
The door latch REVERBERATES.
GERRY
Adis...
The room takes on a beatnik air. Smoke floats past Gerrys

nose. He COUGHS. The smoke parts.
Sitting in front of him is a GIANT POT SMOKING COCKROACH.
COCKROACH
Thats some barbecue walked outta
here, Pal. Id love to go on a
Florida honeymoon with her.
Gerrys eyes widen, then squint.
COCKROACH (CONTD)
(tokes, holds)
Of course a guy like me would never
get a dame like that. But a
cockroach can dream, cant he. You
were all moose eyes for that round-
heel.
He EXHALES the smoke into Gerrys face. Gerry INHALES.
COCKROACH (CONTD)
Hey, forget about the bunk habit.
Second hand smoke is for suckers.
This heres a community joy ride.
The Cockroach holds the joint to Gerrys mouth. Gerry takes a

healthy drag.
49.
COCKROACH (CONTD)
Just a little Mary J-J that fell
through the cracks.
GERRY
(holding)
Cool.
COCKROACH
Straight from the fridge. Tell me,
roomy. Youre somebody, aint you?
GERRY
Well, yeah..! Im Gerry Buck of
Gerry Buck Says Buck You.
COCKROACH
My, my. Gerry Buck of Gerry Buck
Says Buck You? You dont say.
GERRY
Youve heard of me?
COCKROACH
No.
(tokes)
So whats the dealio, G-lio. You in
some sort of sticky jam?
GERRY
Being railroaded for something I
didnt do. Persecuted. Happens to
me all the time.
COCKROACH
Me too, G-lio, me too. I just have
to show my facen somebody tries to
crush me. I dont do nothing wrong
to nobody. Near as I can tell.
GERRY
Just a couple of mokes trying to
make our way in a crazy world.
COCKROACH
Yeah. You said it.
(exhales)
Mirror images.
GERRY
Peas in a pod.
50.
COCKROACH
Brothers from different egg sack
mothers.
The Cockroach gives Gerry another toke.
They lean back simultaneously and exhale.
COCKROACH (CONTD)
Listen, ah...
GERRY
Gerry.
COCKROACH
Gerry. Mind me vomiting on the
table, man... Spill my guts. Drop
dime.
GERRY
Vomit away.
COCKROACH
You gotta get some of that
jackrabbit blood, G-lio.
GERRY
Jackrabbit blood?
COCKROACH
The instinct to flee. Before these
longhairs take you off the payroll.
GERRY
Take me off the payroll?
COCKROACH
(points fake finger gun)
Pow. Just thought you should know
your groceries.
Gerry SOBS. The Cockroach TOKES.
GERRY
I havent even done anything!
COCKROACH
Hey, buck up, G-lio. Dont let
these cats bum your rush. You just
gotta do what you gotta do to live
and toke another day.
51.
GERRY
(sniffling)
You think so?
COCKROACH
Most definitely. Youre a survivor,
just like me.
GERRY
Not the first time someone tried to
bump me off.
COCKROACH
Thats the tude, dude.
GERRY
They bumped me off WKORT Cincinnati
after I egged the Easter Bunny.
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - DAY - FLASHBACK
The EASTERN BUNNY is on stage doing the Bunny Hop with some
GRADE SCHOOL THESPIANS.
Gerry and a VIDEO CREW burst through the auditorium doors.
Gerry flings raws eggs at the Bunny, consequently hitting

some children.
The Bunny lunges off the stage.
COCKROACH (V.O.)
Did you survive?
GERRY (V.O.)
I survived.
INSERT: VIDEO
Gerry wrestles the Bunny to the ground.
The children are horrified.
COCKROACH (V.O.)
Right on, right on.
EXT. SISTERS OF THE HOLY NAME CONVENT - DAY - FLASHBACK
Gerry and a video crew are crouched behind a shrub. One of

the crew is holding a boom-mike over the head of a guy,
TERENCE, knocking on a heavy wooden door.
52.
A superfluity of NUNS answer.
OLD NUN
Can we help you?
TERENCE
Yes, thank you- Fuck, fuck, shit
fuck, cunt..!
GERRY (V.O.)
Then the whole Turrets Terence
street interviews thing...
COCKROACH (V.O.)
You climbed out of that wreckage.
INT. GERRY AFTER DARK TV STUDIO - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Gerry sits behind a desk. In his hand is the control to a

Sybian masturbation contraption. Having a good time riding
the Sybian is porn star, JENNA JAMESON.
GERRY (V.O.)
And then there was Gerry Buck
After Dark.
FLASHBACK GERRY
Hows that feel Jenna?
JENNA
(staccato)
Bbbb-et-ter th-an t-h oooohhhhhh...
FLASHBACK GERRY
And do you know what, Jenna? Our
Sybian goes up to 11.
JENNA
W-hat..?
Gerry cranks the control to 11. Off camera there is a RACKET.

He winces and dials the control back down.
INT. WINDOWLESS ROOM - HALLUCINATION
COCKROACH
Squashed but not killed.
GERRY
Cancelled Good Morning Gerry
Buck. Dont know why.
(MORE)
53.
GERRY (CONT'D)
Good Morning Gerry Buck had good
numbers. But I survived!
COCKROACH
Indestructible.
GERRY
Four marriages.
COCKROACH
Survive?
GERRY
Hardly a scratch.
COCKROACH
They could drop the A-bomb wed
still be getting whats ours,
brother.
GERRY
You got that right, brother.
The Cockroach holds the joint to Gerry's lips.
He tokes and holds. Points to his head with his tied hands.
GERRY (CONTD)
I like the way you think. You got
it up here.
The Cockroach points to its heart.
COCKROACH
Well, thank-you, soul brother. You
got it in here.
GERRY
Jackrabbit blood.
COCKROACH
Jackrabbit blood.
Gerry nods to the Cockroach. Lounges back.
COCKROACH (CONTD)
So, Easter Bunnies, Turrets Terence
and porn stars... You a comedian?
GERRY
Political Pundit.
54.
INT. WINDOWLESS ROOM - THAT MOMENT
Gerrys head lolls back and forth.
The door unlatches - doorknob turns - door swings open.
Fashion photographer ANNIE LEIBOVITZ enters with her

entourage: MAKE-UP, WARDROBE, PROPS, GRIPS, and TWO MALE
MODELS dressed in leather boy-shorts.
LEIBOVITZ
(scans the room)
Well this is crazy.
MALE MODEL 1
Crazy with a capital C-R-A-Z- Why?
MALE MODEL 2
Cra, Cra...
(re: Gerry)
Oh, my! Whats he on? I want some.
An ANIMAL WRANGLER enters leading a PONY.
LEIBOVITZ
Oh good, the pony.
INT. WAREHOUSE
We hear VOICES outside.
The large sliding door ROLLS OPEN.
Gerrys nemesis, BOB O'CONNOR (50) - tall, manicured, nice

slacks, crisp shirt with sleeves rolled-up and tie thrown
over his shoulder - enters.
The Two Workers follow.
O'CONNOR
... So I say, Honey, welcome to the
mens lockers, heres your post-
game interview swinging.
WORKER 1
Ha! Thats rich, man. Wish I was a
sportscaster.
O'CONNOR
Yeah. Miss those days. Now that Im
in news I got to be more serious.
But not by much!
55.
Gerry is half-in, half-out of the real world.
We HEAR the large sliding door ROLL SHUT.
O'CONNOR (O.S.)
So ya been beating the crazy outta
that dick-head?
WORKER 2 (O.S.)
The French guy and the chica have.
Gerry snaps too. His eyes are wild. He spits horse hair out
of his mouth.
GERRY
What the..?
He yanks his left foot against the rope and the chair leg.
The rope digs in. He grimaces.
O'CONNOR
I wouldnt mind taking a pass at
him myself.
WORKER 1 (O.S.)
Weve been blasting him with
Journey.
O'CONNOR (O.S.)
What album?
WORKER 1 (O.S.)
Best of the Best.
O'CONNOR (O.S.)
Nice!
GERRY
Unbelievable.
Red-faced mad and frothing at the mouth, Gerry kicks and

yanks at his ties. He scootches his chair towards the door.
The legs catch. The chair flips over.
SPLAT. Gerry lands on his face.
GERRY (CONTD)
Dammit.
WORKER 2 (O.S.)
And we got this Narwhal thing for
later.
56.
O'CONNOR (O.S.)
Ouch.
WORKER 2 (O.S.)
I like your show much more than
this guys. What do people see in
him?
O'CONNOR (O.S.)
Some folks love a clown, my friend.
GERRY
(rabid)
OCocksucker!
INT. WAREHOUSE
OConnor stops in his tracks -- snaps his head around.
O'CONNOR
Hey, dick-head, I hear youve been
telling people I have a big mouth.
GERRY (O.S.)
Youre not getting my time slot!
Gerry kicks his right ankle. The rope slips off the end of
the chairs leg. His leg is free.
Gerry looks at his free foot, stunned.
He easily slips his left ankle off the chairs other leg.
GERRY
Idiots...
He rolls over to his knees. He plants one foot, wobbles up,

plants the other foot. Stands semi-crouched.
Gerry charges the door. CRACKS full force into it. The shoddy
room VIBRATES.
He scrambles to the back of the room -- charges again.
CRACK! He bounces off the door and lands SMACK on his ass.
O'CONNOR (O.S.)
Im coming to get you dick-head!
57.
GERRY
Come at me, Bro!
Footsteps rapidly approach the door. Its unlatched.
Gerry struggles to his feet.
The doorknob turns -- Gerry freezes.
He takes a tied, two-handed, three point stance.
BAM! The door slams open. OConnor bursts in.
O'CONNOR
(re: injuries)
Whoa! Looks like you messed with
the wrong people, dick-head... Now
hows bout an intelligent debate?
They go at it as gracefully as two doughy, older men can.
Gerry runs at OConnor.
O'Connor steps aside and POPS Gerry in the ear. Gerry SLAMS
into the wall leaving a crater -- staggers dazed.
He charges O'Connor again.
O'Connor POPS him in the other ear. Gerrys head craters the
other wall.
OConnor comes from behind, headlocks him. Sticks fingers

into Gerrys nostrils -- pulls up.
O'CONNOR (CONTD)
All you got?
GERRY
(nasally)
Aaaarrrgh... Youre dead, OConnor.
O'Connor spins Gerry around and around and around by the neck
-- lets him fly. Gerrys back SMACKS into the door jamb --
his spine POPS.
He charges OConnor again.
O'CONNOR
Watch the WWE dick-head? This is
whats called the Mongolian Chop.
OConnor raises both hands. Comes down on both sides of

Gerrys neck, stunning him.
58.
He palms the back of Gerrys head and rams his face into his
accelerating forearm.
O'CONNOR (CONTD)
Forearm Club.
Gerry staggers. O'Connor drops to one knee and uses his leg
to sweep Gerrys legs out from under him.
SPLAT. Gerry hits the cement.
O'CONNOR (CONTD)
For the finale ladies and
gentlemen... the Double Foot Stomp.
OConnor jumps up in the air. Two size 14 loafers SMASH into

Gerrys chest.
Gerry hooks one between his tied arms. Pulls it tight.
GERRY
Dragon Whip!
O'Connor goes down backwards.
Gerry chomps down on his calf.
O'Connor kicks Gerry in the head with his free foot.
OConnor turns on his stomach and tries to drag himself away.

His loafer slips off and he CRACKS headfirst into the wall.
He rolls over GASPING for breath.
Gerry stumbles to his feet.
He takes aim with OConnors loafer and throws it, SMACKING

O'Connor in the head.
GERRY (CONTD)
Cocksucker...
Gerry charges -- trips over the chair -- belly flops beside

O'Connor. Their chests heave.
GERRY (CONTD)
Youre not getting my time slot.
O'Connor grabs a fistful of Gerrys hair with his left hand.

He pulls his right fist way back. He lands a punch smack on
Gerrys already broken nose.
Gerrys head CLUNKS on the cement. His eyes opened but dazed.
59.
OConnor stands up over him. Picks up his loafer.
O'CONNOR
Youre a lousy debater, dick-head.
One shoe on, one off, OConnors feet pass behind Gerry.
The door SLAMS shut.
GERRY
Your numbers suck. Cocksucker.
O'Connor gives Gerry a running kick into the ribs.
OCONNOR
From the entire Patriot Network
family with love, dick-head.
Someday youll learn to keep your
pie-hole shut.
O'Connors feet pass.
The door SLAMS shut. The door SLAMS open. Two pair of soft-
sole workers shoes SHUFFLE in.
WORKER 2
Well, we cant tie him again.
WORKER 1
Gonna have to shackle him somehow.
WORKER 2
Home Depot?
WORKER 1
Drive slow. Id wanna to get some
overtime on this.
The shoes SHUFFLE out.
The door SLAMS shut.
Its latched.
The florescent lights HUMS.
INT. WEDDING CHAPEL - 1978 - FLASH BACK
WIFE 1 (18) - the cute girl from second grade, strawberry

blond hair adorned with flowers, dressed in a peasant style
summer dress, - is happy and weeping.
60.
Gerry - in a powder blue rented tux and a mullet - is

repeating after a MINISTER.
GERRY
I promise to have and to hold from
this day forward...
EXT. BEACH WEDDING - 1985 - FLASH BACK
WIFE 2 (25) - California blonde, tanned, fit, in a bikini and

veil - is happy and weeping.
Gerry - in shorts, tuxedo T-shirt and top-hat on over his

mullet - is repeating after the same Minister.
GERRY
... for better or for worse, for
richer, for poorer...
EXT. LARGE CATHEDRAL - 1992 - FLASH BACK
WIFE 3 (30) - Asian, long black hair, yoga trim in an

expensive designer wedding dress - is happy and weeping.
Gerry - in an elegant black tux and a blown dry mullet - is

repeating after, still, the same Minister.
GERRY
... in sickness and in health, to
love and to cherish...
EXT. HAMPTONS BACKYARD WEDDING - 1999 - FLASH BACK
WIFE 4 (40) - the present wife, dark hair smartly cut,

dressed in a simple cocktail dress - is happy and weeping.
Gerry - in a bespoke blue suit, tie and no mullet - is

repeating after his longtime Minister.
GERRY
... from this day forward until
death do us part.
By this time, the Minister not buying it.
CU OF EACH WIFE - VARIOUS LOCATIONS - FLASH BACK
In quick succession, very unhappy WIVES.

61.
WIFE 1
You...
WIFE 2
Mother...
WIFE 3
Effing...
EXT. GERRY BUCKS HOUSE - PRESENT DAY
Wife 4s is stuffing a suitcase into a Range Rover. It has a

Uhaul trailer hooked to the back. CHILDREN are piling into
the back seat.
Her iPhone VIBRATES. She glances at it.
INSERT: GERRY BUCK TWEET: In order to understand the world,

one has to turn away from it on occasion @AlbertCamus.
EXT. GERRY BUCKS HOUSE - PRESENT DAY
WIFE 4
Asshole...
She get into the Range Rover, SLAMS the door, races off.
Gerrys tied hands rest on his lap. His legs are in homemade
shackles bolted to the chair legs.
The Cockroach scurries up onto his face. Gerry jerks and

sends the chair over backwards. SPLAT.
He scratches his head and face with his tied hands and scans
the floor for the Cockroach -- SHUDDERS.
The Cockroach scurries into a crack.
Footsteps SHUFFLE up to the door and stop. Its unlatched.
Gerry turns his head and sees two pairs of soft-soled work
shoes and dolly wheels enter.
Chair legs settle on the floor. The shoes and dolly exit. The
door is latched.
STU (O.S.)
Gerry? Jesus, that you?
62.
GERRY
Stu!
Stu is shackled into a chair. He is still in his yellow

banana hammock, thong underwear and a dog collar.
STU
I was worried something happened to
you. I Tweeted and Tweeted. Like
five times.
GERRY
Something did happen to me, Stu.
STU
So youre into French Philosophy
now? I never understood Camus.
Gerry looks up from the floor and between Stus legs. Stus
thong makes it looks like Stus head is on a giant banana.
Stu looks down at Gerry. It looks like Gerrys head is on a

giant banana.
THEIR POVS: BACK AND FORTH
STU
Whats going on Gerry? This is so
insane.
GERRY
Insane aint the half of it Stuie.
STU
Are you involved in some sort of
strange sex thing?
GERRY
Do I look like Im having sex to
you?
STU
Well, yeah. Maybe. Who are these
guys?
GERRY
I dont know. OConnor is involved
somehow. I think he wants more than
just my time slot.
STU
OConnor?
63.
GERRY
They want me to give up some guy.
Somebody with a big mouth.
STU
Thats me. Im the guy with the big
mouth.
GERRY
You?
STU
Thats what they said when they
snagged me... Gerry? You think I
have a big mouth?
GERRY
Sorry Stu. I must have implicated
you! Must of said something to that
cockroach.
STU
Cockroach, Gerry?
GERRY
I thought he was my soul brother.
STU
Gerry, a cockroach? You alright?
GERRY
Stu we got to get out of here.
Theyre going to take us off the
time clock.
STU
Time clock, Gerry?
GERRY
Never trust a cockroach, Stu.
Promise me.
STU
Sure Gerry. Never trust a
cockroach. You OK Gerry? Cause you
seem kinda doped-up...
GERRY
(to ceiling)
Your fucking truth serum doesnt
work at all! Imbeciles!
(to Stu)
I got you into this Stu. Im going
to get you out. Follow my lead.
64.
STU
Sure thing Gerry.
(looks around)
Where are we going?
GERRY
Jackrabbit blood, Stuie.
We HEAR a large sliding door ROLL OPEN - ROLL SHUT.
KIWI (O.S.)
Come on. Come on. Lets get to it.
GERRY
What the..?
STU
Is that Mr. Dancock, Gerry.
GERRY
[Fucking Kiwi...] Ive had you to
my house for dinner! Come-on!
KIWI (O.S.)
There he is! And it was delish,
Gerry. DE - LISH! Better hang on to
this wife, my boy! OK, popping
right in. Slugorski?
SLUGORSKI (O.S.)
This way, Mr. Dancock.
FOOTSTEPS approach the door.
Gerry twitches and flinches. He kicks at his shackles.
The door is unlatched. The doorknob turns. The door opens.
Worker 1 brings in a chair, leaves.
SLUGORSKI enters carrying a brown leather document case.
SLUGORSKI
Hendricks! I should of known you
couldnt be trusted.
STU
I didnt do anything. Jesus. You
can trust me.
65.
KIWI
Howdy blokes!
The KIWI, aka EVERT DANCOCK (70) enters. He is well groomed

but still rugged looking. He takes off his full-length
cashmere coat and hands it to Slugorski.
SLUGORSKI
Im sorry about this Mr. Dancock. I
thought there would only be Mr.
Buck in this meeting.
KIWI
Lets just get on with it.
GERRY
Right under my nose. You Kiwi
traitor.
KIWI
Oh, hey, hey. Easy goes it, mate.
Youre really in no position to be
uppity. Mind if I take a seat?
The Kiwi hikes the pants on his bespoke suit and sits. He
looks down at Gerry.
KIWI (CONTD)
Well Gerry, I see theyve had their
way with you. Hoped theyd go easy.
GERRY
You backstabbing immigrant--
KIWI
Lighten up there, mate. Were all
immigrants here.
(to Stu)
You Injun? No? See. All immigrants.
SLUGORSKI
Please, no hard feelings when
contract negotiations come up,
Gerry.
GERRY
Contract negotiations! Im going to
sue you for the whole network. The
network! Youll all be kissing my
ass... Im firing you, Slugo.
STU
Can I keep my job, Gerry. Jesus, I
got kids.
66.
KIWI
Dont know why youd sue me. Im
just trying to help. You Americans
are too litigious if you ask me.
(to Stu, re: his thong)
Whats with you? Humiliation of
some sort?
(to Slugo)
Some kind of psychological torture?
The Cockroach scurries out of the wall.
GERRY
Theres another little backstabbing
traitor...
KIWI
Look! A cockie!
SLUGORSKI
Pardon?
GERRY
(to Stu)
Thats the bastard gave you up...
KIWI
Its just a cockie.
STU
The implicator, Gerry? You are
doped-up, arent you.
SLUGORSKI
Doped-up? Let me warn you, Gerry,
drug use is grounds for immediate
dismissal.
The Cockroach scurries back into the wall.
GERRY
Ill kill you, you cock... roach.
SLUGORSKI
A roach?
KIWI
Crikey dick. Its just a little
cockie. Can we -- Slugorski?
Slugorski takes a document from his leather case and crouches

down to Gerry. He points to the document.
67.
SLUGORSKI
Now see here...
He turns his head to look at the document. Stus hung thong

is in his direct line of sight.
Slugorski stands.
He looks around, then up at the block and tackle.
He pulls out the rope and bends to Gerry.
Gerry pulls a punch with his tied hands. Slugorski flinches.
GERRY
Suck up.
Gerry stares Slugorski down as he hooks the rope it to the

chair. Pulls him up.
His shirt untucks a bit and his gut protrudes.
He unhooks the rope. Tucks his shirt back in.
Dancock snatches the document.
KIWI
Lets quit this mucking about. Im
going to get to the point. Now see
here Gerry. Youve disseminated
some very top secret information
and Im afraid its going to ruin
some very important plans. Plans
weve been working on for a very
long time.
GERRY
Wait a minute. Are you the New
World Order..? Wait a fucking
minute! Youre the New World Order!
KIWI
No need for name calling, Gerry.
STU
Jesus, the New World Order? I
thought you were just full of shit,
Gerry.
SLUGORSKI
Normally we could just write you
off as a conspiracy nut, Mr. Buck.
Play OConnor off you.
68.
KIWI
Peopled just think youre daffy,
Gerry.
SLUGORSKI
But this particular information, at
this particular time. Well Mr.
Buck, we have to be sure we havent
a leak from the inside. A Benedict
Arnold, if you will. We would
appreciate your cooperation.
KIWI
Weve focus grouped this Gerry,
Its a real problem. Wouldnt want
the whole thing to go pear shape.
SLUGORSKI
Well be sure to remember any help
during contract negotiations. Could
be quite lucrative for you.
KIWI
Incredibly lucrative. Make you
rich, Gerry. Of course youre
already loaded... but a lot richer.
SLUGORSKI
Certainly richer than OConnor.
STU
Jesus, Gerry. Youre being bribed
by the New World Order!
GERRY
Im being bribed by the New World
Order.
KIWI
Cant imagine youd care where the
moneys coming from. I dont. You
Slugorski?
SLUGORSKI
It all spends the same, Mr. Buck.
GERRY
You think you can just pay me off?
A red blooded American. Bribe me to
sell-out my fellow Americans? Sell
them out? La-la-la look America,
Im rich and youre fucked.
69.
KIWI
Well... yes.
SLUGORSKI
Americans do it every day, Mr.
Buck.
KIWI
Why just look at your American
corporations.
STU
And politicians. Sheesh. Those guys
suck.
KIWI
The Pollys sold a big part of
American free speech to me. I own a
Network, newspapers... Dont know
how many radio stations.
STU
Hes kind of right, Gerry.
Everybody is doing it. Free market
capitalism.
KIWI
And look at you, mate, with all the
bull-crap you sling. Youre selling
your country out too, Id say.
GERRY
Its not the same thing! Its not
the same thing! Im not selling
anyone out!
KIWI
So, then you do know something.
Thats beaut, mate.
SLUGORSKI
At least weve established that.
GERRY
No. Wait. I didnt say I know
anything.
KIWI
Is it Slugorski here? You can tell
me.
SLUGORSKI
What? Sir!
70.
STU
Who is it Gerry? Jesus this is
exciting. Who has the big mouth?
GERRY
I dont know who has the big mouth!
Somebody fucking believe me?
The Kiwi and Slugorski look at each other. LAUGH.
SLUGORSKI
Your track record makes that a
little difficult, Mr. Buck.
GERRY
Fucking brown-nosed--
KIWI
Thats enough of that.
(stands)
I guess well have to have another
go at it then.
(takes coat)
Oh, Gerry. While Im here. Did you
look over any of those ideas I sent
down a while back. Think some could
really improve the show.
GERRY
Are you kidding me?
KIWI
I especially liked the thing about
the siren and flashing lights.
STU
Sirens and lights might be cool,
Gerry.
GERRY
Youre pitching ideas?! You have me
shackled to a chair!
KIWI
Hey. All right now. Dont get
brassed off. Thats what a bloke
gets for busting a gut? Ill tell
you what. Youll end up a dole
bludger with that attitude.
SLUGORSKI
We can discuss this during contract
negotiations. Sorry to have wasted
your time, Mr. Dancock.
71.
Slugorski puts the document back into the leather case.
KIWI
Ive done all I can, Gerry. Didnt
take you for someone to stick to
their guns like this.
(heads to the door)
Hope you change your mind. Id like
to have you back. Hate to have to
give OConnor your spot.
GERRY
What? No wait...
SLUGORSKI
Weve talked too much, Mr. Buck.
GERRY
Im not giving up my time slot!
KIWI
Cheers, mate.
Dancock and Slugorski leave. The door is latched.
STU
Jesus Gerry, now Im confused. Do
you have a name or not?
GERRY
Theres the Benedict Arnold.
The Cockroach pops out from the wall and grooms its antennae.
Gerry scoots his chair aggressively towards the Cockroach. It

catches a hole in the floor and falls over.
Gerry, again, is stuck flat on the floor.
The Cockroach disappears into the crack under the wall.
Through the crack, Gerry can see feet shuffling around.
KIWI (O.S.)
Crikey. That'd bruise a wallaby or
two.
We HEAR a THUNK -- then CHURNING and VIBRATING. The lights

dim. Then brighten. Then a WET EXPLOSION. LAUGHTER.
A large pink fleshy chunk slides across the floor towards the
crack, slams against the wall, through the crack and onto
Gerrys face.
72.
GERRY
Watermelon?
INT. WAREHOUSE - GROUND LEVEL - COCKROACH POV
The Cockroach is feasting on a fleshy pink chunk of

watermelon.
In the background the Workers, the Officer and the Doctor are
preparing something unseen.
The Kiwi and Slugorski approach and the Cockroach scurries

under a crate.
They stand toe-to-toe in a conspiratorial huddle.
The Cockroach scurries out beside the Kiwis wing-tip --

looks up at them at an extreme angle -- cleans its antennas.
KIWI
What if Buck doesnt come back? Can
OConnor carry two hours?
SLUGORSKI
Dan Rather has been pitching an
idea around. A Vic Morrow sort of
thing.
KIWI
Straight news?
SLUGORSKI
Straight news.
KIWI
Zzzzzzz... Wed lose our shirts.
No, someone more out there.
SLUGORSKI
Trump is always looking to make an
easy buck.
KIWI
I mean way out there, mate... What
about that loony woman?
SLUGORSKI
Palin?
KIWI
No. Loonier. Saturday Night Live.
73.
SLUGORSKI
Victoria Jackson?
KIWI
Victoria Jackson. I think Gerry
Buck fans might like her.
SLUGORSKI
Doubling down on the crazy.
Brilliant Sir. Ill get her in for
a meet and greet.
The Cockroach scurries towards the windowless room as if to

warn Gerry. It stops short to eat more watermelon.
Gerry studies the shackles around Stus ankles. Metal flange -

hinges, bolts drilled through the wooden legs and...
GERRY
Cotter-pins. Stu!
STU
Cotter-pins?
GERRY
These guys are complete idiots.
STU
Whats a cotter-pin Gerry?
Gerry does a poor sit-up to reach his shackles. Holds it. He

cant get around his belly. SMACKS back down.
GERRY
It looks like its on you.
Stu looks at his clamped legs. He reaches down.
Bends one cotter-pin straight.
Wiggles it out from his shackle.
The shackle swings open.
STU
Jesus, Gerry. This is easy.
Stu undoes the other cotter-pin.
That shackle swings open.

74.
Stu stands up -- bends down over Gerry.
FOOTSTEPS approach.
GERRY
Come on! Come on!
The FOOTSTEPS stop at the door. Its unlatched.
Stu scrambles back to his chair and closes the clamps back
around his ankles.
The Workers shuffle in.
They set down a chair. Dropping down from the chair is an

industrial-size electric cable.
The Workers shuffle out.
The chair is draped with a painters tarp. Something tents

the tarp at the center of the seat.
The Doctor and Officer enter. They are wearing cheap, clear
plastic rain ponchos.
The Officer is carrying a watermelon.
The Doctor uncovers the chair.
A chrome dildo stands straight up and proud. Its attached to

a rotating cam bolted to the center of the chair. It gleams
in the florescent lighting.
STU
Jesus, Gerry, whats that?
GERRY
The Narwhal.
The Officer impales the watermelon on the Narwhal.
He hits the switch on a remote control. Turns a dial.
The watermelon VIBRATES.
He dials it up.
The watermelon begins wobbling.
VIBRATIONS increase.
He turns the dial more.

75.
The lights dim. Then brighten.
The chair rocks back and forth.
The Officer turns the dial more.
The rind develops hairline fractures. Then cracks.
Full power and: SPLOOSH! The watermelon shatters into pieces.
Pink fruit splatters over Gerry and Stu.
The Doctor and the Officer look at Gerry and grin.
OFFICER
Wait till you see it work out a fat
ass!
DOCTOR
Time to take a spin, Mr. Buck.
GERRY
No. You cant. You cant really
mean this.
OFFICER
You might enjoy it!
The Doctor squats down by Gerry. She grabs his briefs. He

clamps his legs.
STU
Jesus, Gerry. This aint right.
DOCTOR
(tickling Gerry)
Tickle party.
Gerry loosen his legs.
She quickly snatches his waistband and yanks his briefs to

his ankles.
Gerry swings his tied wrists at the Doctor.
She ducks. Waits for an opening. She rabbit punches him.
The Officer hooks Gerrys tied hands to the block and tackle
and hoists him up. The Doctor undoes the cotter-pins.
DOCTOR (CONTD)
(re: cotter pins)
Idiotas.
76.
Gerry tries to kick.
The Doctor grabs his legs.
The Officer swings him over the Narwhal.
GERRY
(weak)
No... please.
STU
Ah... Jesus.
OFFICER
GERRY
I dont know!
Bit by bit, Gerry is slowly lowered onto The Narwhal.
CU GERRY FACE
His face trembles --
His eyes pops open --
A glimmer of pleasure crosses his face --
His eyes cross in pain --
BAM! Stu SMACKS the Doctor with his chair.
She cracks into the wall.
Stu spins around and breaks the chair over the Officers
head, knocking him out cold. The remote flies out of his
hand, lands on the cement and shatters.
Gerry falls fully onto the Narwhal.
PFFFT. ZAP. The lights dim. Then brighten.
The Narwhal VIBRATES and CHURNS.
GERRY
Fuuuuuuuuuuu---
Stu lowers his tied arms over Gerrys head and tries to pull
him off. He cant get a grip. The Narwhal rocks them.
77.
WHAM. The Doctor hits Stu with the other chair. She clamps
her arm around Stus neck in a choke hold.
He tries to flip her over.
She reverses it and flips him over, SPLAT on his back.
He tries to get up. WHAP. The Doctor side-kicks his head.
He spins a round. Gets up on his knees.
WHAP. Another side kick to the face. He FLOPS onto his chest.
The Doctor stands above him, shifting her weight from side to
side, ready to pounce.
The Narwhal vibrates and churns even faster.
GERRY (CONTD)
(tremolo)
Aaahahhhhhhh Fuuucckk memmee...
Stu sees the broken leg from the chair laying on the cement.
Its directly under the Doctors crotch.
Stu grabs the board with his tied hands and yanks it up.
The Doctor clamps her legs shut, stopping the chair leg
short. She spins and the board cracks Stu in the jaw.
GERRY (CONTD)
Aaeeeeeerrrrghgh....
Gerry rides the Narwhal. Sparks fly like fireworks just below
his butt-cheeks. His tied arms flop about.
GERRY (CONTD)
Ow -- ow -- ow -- ow.
ZAP -- BOOM. PFFFT.
The Narwhal stops.
Lights go out.
We HEAR STUMBLING, CRASHING -- MOANING. Only fleeting dark

shapes can be seen.
DOCTOR (O.S.)
Get the lights.
STU (O.S.)
Gerry. Where are you? Come on.
78.
GERRY (O.S.)
Go. Go. Go.
SPLAT. Naked skin hits cement.
STU (O.S.)
Pull up your drawers, Gerry.
DOCTOR (O.S.)
Ouch. Lights!
INT. WAREHOUSE
We HEAR bare feet slapping through the dark.
DOCTOR (O.S.)
Lights! Lights!
There is one sliver of moonlight streaming through a tall

crack in the wall.
A large door ROLLS open. The sliver of moonlight widens. Two

dark figures run into the night.
One of them is running bowlegged.
DOCTOR (O.S.) (CONTD)

Lights. Lights. Lights.
We HEAR another CRASH.
EXT. DIRT ROAD - NIGHT
There is a water-filled ditch on each side.
Gerry and Stu, hands still tied, hobble along barefoot on the
gravel. Gerry is clearly in uncomfortable pain. They stop.
Stu tries to find the end of the knot in Gerrys restraints.
GERRY
Looks like its just you and me
Stu. The whole Patriot Network
family is against us.
STU
Gerry. Is this a tooth?
GERRY
Stu. I didnt think you had it in
you. You really saved my ass back
there.
79.
STU
Saved your ass.
(both chuckle)
Youd a done it for me.
GERRY
Anyway. Thanks.
STU
I cant get this Gerry. We need to
find something sharp. Gerry?
GERRY
Yeah Stuie.
STU
Who is this guy theyre looking
for? Why dont you just give them
the name?
GERRY
[Fuck me.]
They hobble on. Headlights appear behind them. A small engine

WHINES closer and closer. They hobble faster.
The headlights rush up directly behind them.
The Officer is hanging out of the passenger side window

holding a taser.
Gerry takes a hard right and disappears into the ditch.
Stu follows.
The Officer pulls the trigger. The taser prongs fall short of
their target.
EXT. DITCH - NIGHT
Gerry and Stu are up to their bellies in brackish water.
They SLOSH along until they reach a fence crossing the ditch.
Its a twenty foot climb up chain link fence ending with big
loops of razor wire. Gerry feels along the underwater edge of
the fence with his foot.
GERRY
Stu. Youre going to have to dive
down and see if you can feel a way
out of here.
80.
STU
I cant swim.
GERRY
Its not swimming, its holding
your breath.
STU
Ive never done anything like that.
Gerry, you got me into this mess.
Seems only fair.
Gerry takes a deep breath and submerges. His feet kick, but
still he floats like a beach ball.
Stu hold his ankles together and up.
Bubbles balloon out of the water.
Gerry starts kicking violently. Stu holds his ankles higher.

Large bubbles POP at the surface.
Gerry kicks Stu in the face and Stu lets go.
Gerry surfaces.
GERRY
You trying to drown me!
STU
I thought you were signalling to go
deeper.
GERRY
You were the guy nobody picked in
gym class, werent you.
STU
I was just trying to help, Gerry.
GERRY
Its all fenced in. Going to have
to find another way out. Come on.
They SPLASH out of the ditch.
EXT. BRAMBLE - NIGHT
The bramble rips at Gerrys legs and fleshy gut as he plows

through the brush. Stu follows.
81.
STU
Do you know where youre going
Gerry? Cause I dont think you do.
GERRY
No I dont know where Im going.
Gerry trips and falls into a bush.
STU
Gerry. Here let me give you a hand.
Gerry ignores Stus hand and struggles to his feet.
His briefs are caught on some thorns. He yanks them. They

rip, exposing a white butt-cheek.
They pick their way through the brush until they again come
up against the fence.
Gerry leans against it, slides down to the ground. Tears up.
GERRY
I dont know how to get out of
here.
STU
Are you crying for real, Gerry?
GERRY
Yes Im crying for real.
STU
Its kind of hard to tell. Youre
pretty good at this.
Gerry CHUCKLES, shakes his head.
STU (CONTD)
Are you really laughing?
GERRY
Stu, just believe me. Believe me
just this once and I promise, Ill
never make anything up again.
STU
Promise?
GERRY
Promise.
STU
Are you telling the truth, Gerry?
82.
GERRY
I cant tell...
A GROWLING junk-yard dog lunges from the other side of the

fence. Gerry and Stu leap to their feet and run through the
bramble. They come back to the ditch.
Across the ditch they see the headlights of the Smart Car.
They hunker down and try to get comfortable.
GERRY (CONTD)
Looks like were gonna have to wait
it out.
STU
Gerry?
GERRY
Yeah, Stu.
STU
Did you mean that back there. About
not making stuff up anymore?
GERRY
You never make stuff up, do you
Stu?
STU
It gets you nowhere, Gerry. Well
maybe somewhere for a while. But it
always catches up. Can I tell you
something Gerry? Something Ive
never told anyone?
GERRY
Yeah, sure. As matter of fact Id
be honored.
STU
Well, me and the wife were having a
spell. Not really getting along.
She stormed out one night.
INT. BAR - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Pudgy MRS. STU is at the bar trying to get the bartenders

attention. Someone taps her shoulder.
MRS. STU
Hey, there you are...
83.
STU (V.O.)
She could of told me a story. I
might never of know. But she would
know. I would feel something was
off and wed drift apart. Instead
she was straight with me.
INT. BAR RESTROOM - FLASH BACK
Mrs. Stu is bent over the sink. Someone is ramming her from
behind. She looks perplexed.
STU (V.O.)
She had too much to drink. A
handsome stranger flirted with her.
They kissed. Just a kiss, but it
still hurt. Because she was honest
we can to put it back together.
Stu is poking the ground with a stick.
STU
Thats the kind of relationship
building thing you can look forward
to when youre honest.
GERRY
So you bought that? Really?
STU
Of course. She wouldnt fib to me,
Gerry. Thats the point Im making.
GERRY
She got drunk and just made-out?
STU
Kissed, Gerry. A peck. Now you try.
Tell me the truth about something.
It really frees you.
GERRY
[Is everyone full of shit...] OK
Stuie... I got some truth for you.
Ready for the Gods fucking
truth..?
STU
Go ahead Gerry.
84.
GERRY
OK. You sure?
STU
Go ahead.
GERRY
OK then Stu, heres your truth.
BAR RESTROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Mrs. Stu is bent over the sink. CAMERA widens out.
GERRY (V.O.)
Your God damned fucking truth!
Gerry is humping her. He finishes. ZIPS up. SMACKS her ass.
MRS. STU
Thats it?
GERRY
Stu? The Gods truth is... God
dammit, Stuie... The truth is...
Fuck, fuck, fuck...
STU
Take your time, Gerry. You can do
it.
GERRY
The truth is... Im a world class
asshole. Stuie... Thats the truth.
Fuck. You happy now. Satisfied.
STU
I know that already, Gerry.
Everybody does.
GERRY
Fuck, Stuie, sometimes youre just
better fucking off not knowing the
Gods truth. [God dammit, Stu...]
Gerry buries his face in his hands
STU
Gerry? Who is the guy with the big
mouth? Tell me the truth.
85.
GERRY
(mumbles through fingers)
Dont know, Stuie, dont know...
Stu starts to shiver. Gerry puts his arm around Stu and pulls
him close.
GERRY (CONTD)
Honest...
EXT. BRAMBLE - NIGHT - LATER
Stu is asleep. Gerry is looking up to the heavens. A shooting

star streaks across the sky.
COCKROACH (O.S.)
That was a fraughty issue.
The Pot Smoking Cockroach sits beside Gerry. He takes a toke.
GERRY
Get away from me.
COCKROACH
What you did with that buddy ghees
bree was a real bring down. Saddest
meal I ever collard. But what can
you say, that fried chicken was
ready.
GERRY
Buddy ghees bree?
COCKROACH
His girl...
GERRY
How would you know what I did to
that buddy ghees bree?
COCKROACH
Brothers form the same egg-sack
mother...
The Cockroach offers Gerry a toke.
COCKROACH (CONTD)
Freeby?
GERRY
Im not smoking with a snitch. You
happy with yourself? Are you? Proud
of yourself?
86.
COCKROACH
Well, for the most part, G-lio, Im
copacetic.
GERRY
Hes the best guy I know and you
fucked him over.
COCKROACH
Well thats a hard spiel, soul
brother. My two dollars? Dont be
so down on yourself.
GERRY
Im down on you.
COCKROACH
G-lio my brother, youre coming up
on the wrong riff. Cant be down on
me... I dont even exist.
(exhales)
Time to trilly...
The Cockroach disappears in a puff of smoke.
Stu nuzzles up closer to Gerry.
We HEAR HELICOPTERS.
Gerry and Stu are woken by harsh spot lights and SHOUTING.
ARMY SPECIAL OPS SOLDIERS - black fatigues, night goggles,

armed to the teeth - rappel out of the darkness above. They
secure the area.
The COMMANDER towers over Gerry and Stu.
He removes his night-vision goggles. He is All-American and

square-jawed.
COMMANDER
You Buck?
GERRY
Yes, Sir. Gerry Buck. Oh my god
were so happy to see you.
COMMANDER
Lets go. You can kiss me later.
(to men)
Go, go, go, go.
87.
The Commander signals the helicopters. They fly off. The

further away they get, the more of them there seem to be. An
entire squadron.
STU
Jesus, Gerry. They sent in the
calvary.
GERRY
See Stuie. America loves me!
America loves Gerry Buck!
Gerry and Stu are lifted by their armpits and hustled through
the brambles, feet barely touching the ground.
The first of the men reach the ditch and secure the area. The
Commander, Gerry, Stu come to the edge and stop.
COMMANDER
(into shirt mic)
Pick-up, Rodger out.
In the distance the DEEP RUMBLE of military vehicles grow. An

Eight-wheeled, fully armed, armored personnel vehicle (APV)
crashes through the fence. Three Humvees swing around it and
slide to a stop.
Gerry stands and waves.
GERRY
Woohooo. USA, USA, USA, oooof...
The Commander tackles Gerry to the ground.
COMMANDER
Were not out of the woods yet,
Nancy.
The roof gunners scan the landscape from their swiveling gun
turrets. The rear door of the APV opens.
COMMANDER (CONTD)
Now, go, go, go!
The Commander, Gerry, Stu and the soldiers run for the APV.
INT. APV - NIGHT
The soldiers strap Gerry and Stu in. The rear door closes.
The APV jolts into motion.
Gerry reaches across the vehicles and high-fives Stu.

88.
GERRY
Whhoooohoooo. This is some American
badass shit, Im telling you. I
want all you boys on my show. Every
last one of you.
The soldiers sit back in their seats revealing the Officer

and the Doctor sitting in the back.
OFFICER
GERRY
Hey. Hey. What are you doing? Are
you guys nuts?
(to the Commander)
Shoot them!
The soldiers ROAR with LAUGHTER. APPLAUD.
DOCTOR
See. What did I tell you? The guy
is always on.
GERRY
Come on! Theyre trying to destroy
our way of life. For the love of
freedom. Shoot!
COMMANDER
Isnt this something, boys. We get
to see the Gerry Buck. Live!
GERRY
Theyre Nazis! The New World Order!
COMMANDER
Do the bit about POTUS being a
Muslim.
GERRY
You got to believe me!
The CAMERA pans across the soldier's LAUGHING faces to the

Officer and the Doctor. Theyre all business.
The Doctor moves towards Gerry. She raises a black blindfold

in front of her cleavage.
Gerry tied hands grasp the buckle of his seat belt. He

releases it.
GERRY (CONTD)
Sieg heil, bitch!
89.
He head-butts the Doctor in the gut.
Soldiers SLAM Gerry to the floor.
GERRYS POV:
More soldiers pile on.
A fist lands on Gerrys chin. His head snaps to the side.
He sees a knife sheathed on an army issue belt. He grabs the

handle with his tied hands.
He pulls the knife out of the sheath.
The Officer appears above the heap of soldiers. He aims his

taser at Gerry. He pulls the trigger. Nothing happens.
Gerry slips the knife in his black briefs.
The Officer pounds the bottom of the taser. He pulls the

trigger again.
ZAP. Gerry goes into electrically induced convulsions.
INT. APV - DAY
Gerry and Stu, both blindfolded, ride silently. The Gerry

Buck Show plays on the radio.
RADIO GERRY (V.O.)

Im so scared. Im scared for
America, people. They are changing
everything. Everything weve come
to know. Everything we fought for.
Founding Fathers. George
Washington. Lincoln. They would not
recognize America today...
The light of the rising sun seeps through the narrow windows.
It swings from Gerrys left side, to full face, to his right
side as the APV maneuvers.
We HEAR the DRONE of airplane propellers in the distance.
The APV stops, Gerrys head bobs forward. Settles back.

CAMERA stays locked on Gerrys blindfolded face.
We HEAR the rear door open.
STU (O.S.)
Hey, Gerry? You there?
90.
GERRY
Stu?
Stu MUMBLES as if his mouth is covered.
GERRY (CONTD)
Stu!
SLUGORSKI (O.S.)
Let me help you, Sir.
SIR (O.S.)
Why thhhhhank you...
SLUGORSKI (O.S.)
Slugorski Sir. Samuel Slugorski.
SIR (O.S.)
Well Sssssamuel Sssssslugorski,
thhhhank-you.
SLUGORSKI (O.S.)
Gerry. Ive got someone Id like
you to meet.
SIR (O.S.)
Pleassssse. No Namesssss.
Feet SHUFFLE towards Gerry.
SIR gets in beside Gerry. We can only see the shoulder of

his overcoat and Gerrys blindfolded face.
He talks in low HISSES.
SIR (O.S.) (CONTD)

Thanksss. You can sssshut the door
now, pleassse.
The door is shut.
SIR (O.S.) (CONTD)

Ssso thisss isss Gerry Buck.
Gerry fumbles for the knife from his briefs.
GERRYS POV:
He looks down past the bottom edge of his blindfold.
A green, scaly hand with long thin fingers enters frame. Pats
Gerrys hands. Rests on them.
91.
Gerry yanks his hands away from the humanoid lizard hand, and
the knife.
INT. APV - DAY
GERRY
Who are you?
SIR (O.S.)
Jussst ssso you know, Mr. Buck,
Dancock ssstood up for you. He
defended you diligently.
GERRY
The Kiwi? Stuck up for me?
SIR (O.S.)
(chuckles)
Yesss, yesss... the Kiwi.
GERRY
So this isnt just some scheme of
his?
SIR (O.S.)
Gerry -- isss it alright if I call
you Gerry..?
Gerry nods his blindfolded head.
SIR (O.S.) (CONTD)

Good. Well, Gerry, itsss hardly a
ssscheme. Not at all. Itsss a
dessstiny as old asss civilization
itssself. Ssset in motion the
firssst time one man coveted what
another man had.
EXT. PRECIVILIZATION - DAY
A NETHANDERAL MAN bangs two stones together. A chip flies off

of one. The Nethanderal thinks. Knocks another chip off.
He holds up his new invention in victory - the hand axe.
He proudly shows the hand axe off to his HOMOSAPIEN neighbor.
The Homosapien clubs him to death with a branch and takes the
hand axe.
92.
SIR (V.O.)
That sssingle act... on the
sssurface a harmlessss pang... lead
to never having enough.
The Homosapien shows the hand axe to HOMOSAPIEN 2. Homosapien

2 shrugs - he shows the first Homosapien fire.
The first Homosapien clubs Homosapien 2 to death with the

hand axe, warms his hands over the fire. Smiles.
SIR (V.O.)
And -- BOOM -- hell breaksss
loossse on earth!
A BRIEF HISTORY OF MANS INHUMANITY TO MAN
TRIBES fight each other with sticks and stones - EGYPTIANS on

chariots slaughter foot soldiers - rows of CRUCIFIED PEOPLE -
ROMAN formations march through VISIGOTH lines - GENGHIS
KHANS men rape and pillage - ENGLISH ships fire against the
SPANISH ARMADA - Guillotines drop on ROYAL HEADS -
CONQUISTADORS slaughter INCAS - AMERICAN REVOLUTION - WORLD
WAR ONE - WORLD WAR TWO - ATOM BOMBS over HIROSHIMA - VIETNAM
- RACE RIOTS - PROTESTS - SCREAMING PUNDITS...
SIR (V.O.)
Tribesss againssst tribesss.
Villagesss againssst villagesss.
Culturesss againssst culturesss.
Countriesss againssst countriesss.
Ideologiesss againssst
ideologiesss. Chrissstiansss.
Mussslimsss. Blacksss. Whitesss.
Right. Left. Old. Young. Men.
Women. They divide, and we, hardly
noticed, step in and conquer!
Climaxing with a shot of PLANET EARTH hanging peacefully in

space... Then missiles are launched from every nation on the
planet, one by one each ending in a MUSHROOM CLOUD.
INT. APV - DAY
A Lizard CHUCKLES, its hand slaps Gerrys thigh.
SIR (O.S.)
Sssimple ssstrategy, Gerry, really.
And youve been a critical wedge
for our caussse. Dividing
themassssesss. Pitting one
againssst theother. A Hero!
(MORE)
93.
SIR (O.S.) (CONT'D)

The King Buffoon...leading all the
other buffoonsss.
(beat)
But you have crossssed the line,
Gerry. You are now on the highessst
peak, evangelizing to all your
missslead faithful. Millionsss of
them! The bizarrenessss of the
truth!
(laughs deeply)
Tell me, Gerry. Where did you learn
the truth?
GERRY
I made it all up. Honest to God. I
made everything up.
SIR (O.S.)
Gerry... Who hasss the big mouth?
GERRY
I have the big mouth. Its just
me... I have the big mouth. I have
a very big mouth.
The green scaly lizard hand adjusts Gerrys blindfold. Pats

his cheek.
SIR (O.S.)
Well, Dancock thought it might be
worth a try.
We HEAR a cane TAP the door. It opens. Feet SHUFFLE out.
SIR (O.S.) (CONTD)

Itssss been a pleassssure, Gerry.
A human hand PLOPS onto Gerrys head.
EXT. TARMAC - DAY - GERRYS POV
The airplane propellers grow LOUDER.
Gerry looks down past the bottom edge of his blindfold. He

sees his bare feet SLAPPING against pavement. Beside him are
Stus bare feet trying to keep up. To each side are marching
military-boots.
He sees the knife bouncing in his black briefs. Its tip

peeping out past the waistband.
Gerrys feet leave the ground as he is hoisted up, and thrown

into a...
94.
INT. CARGO PLANE - DAY - GERRYS POV
Gerry tilts his head back.
Past the bottom edge of his blindfold he sees his scraped,

bloodied knees in front of him -- the Officer and the Doctor
sit on jump seats to his left -- Stus banana hammock thong
beside him.
The props WHINE.
Gerrys view bounces as the plane taxis -- gains speed --

takes off.
Gerry tilts his head back. The Officer and the Doctor are
chatting nonchalantly.
He shoves his hands into his briefs. He clamps his legs

tight. Jerks his hands back and forth...
INT. GERRYS BRIEFS
... Cutting the rope on the knife. One strand gives way. Then
another. And another. The rope falls away from his wrists.
INT. CARGO PLANE - DAY - GERRYS POV
Gerry tilts his head back up. The blindfold is ripped from
his face.
The Officer grabs Stu by the arm, yanks him up, frog marches
him to the cargo door. Opens it. Throws him out.
Stus SCREAM Dopplers away.
GERRY
Stu!
OFFICER
Gerry attacks the Officer with the knife.
The Officer deflects Gerrys thrust -- SLAMS his wrist into

the fuselage.
The knife drops.
The plane banks.
The knife slides.

95.
Gerry runs for it.
The Doctor leaps on his back, grabs his ears and rips them up
and out.
The knife slides out of the cargo door.
Gerrys arms flail as he tries to reach around and grab her.
He spins around. The Officer is standing in front of him.
Gerry spins the Doctor the other way and SMACKS the Officer
with her body.
The Officer falls toward the cargo door. Slides halfway out.
He grabs a loose cargo strap.
Gerry slams the Doctor into the fuselage. Spins. He slams her
into the fuselage on the other side.
She releases and falls to the floor.
The Officer drags himself back in.
Gerry STOMPS his face.
Gerry HEARS high heels CLICKING. He turns.
The Doctor is rushing toward him. Gerry rushes toward her.
They SLAM into each other.
The Doctor clutches Gerrys groin. Grabs. Twists.
DOCTOR
Who. Has. The big. Mouth...
GERRY
Aaaaaargh...
The plane bounces violently.
They fall onto their asses and slide into the Officer.
They grab hold of him.
The Officer loses his grip on the strap.
They all tumble out through the cargo door.
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
Gerry, the Doctor and the Officer land on top of Stu.

96.
STU
Get... off... me...
Lights SLAM on.
Workers drop ropes attached to a fake cargo plane fuselage.

It quits rocking.
Other workers turn off a large wind machine.
The Hooded Man, ball bearing still in his forehead,

flamboyantly runs up to Gerry. He has a cell phone camera.
GERRY
[What the fuck...]
HOODED MAN
Oh, Mr. Buck! It was such a thrill
working with you! Can I get a
photograph?
Gerry slaps the phone away - Hooded Man chases after it.
HOODED MAN (CONTD)

The more the fame the bigger the
asshole! Asshole!
Standing to the side is The Kiwi, O'Connor and Slugorski.
OCONNOR
Got your time slot, dick-head.
KIWI
Sorry, Gerry. Nothing personal.
SLUGORSKI
Its just business, Gerry.
They turn and walk towards a waiting Limo.
Workers dismantle the fuselage and roll the wind machine into
a waiting truck.
Something falls behind Gerry. He turns.
Workers are dismantling the windowless room and are loading

the pieces into trucks. The broken chairs are being packed
back into boxes labeled The Break-Away Deluxe. Beside them
are smaller boxes and bags from Home Depot.
The Officer and the Doctor stand over Stu and Gerry.
The Officer wipes perspiration off his forehead with his

handkerchief. The Doctor realigns her breasts in her bra.
97.
She whips her hair back. SMACKS her ass. Blows Gerry a wet
kiss -- tosses him his Hummer keys.
GERRY
What the hell..? Youre the liars.
Youre the ones making stuff up!
KIWI
You just figuring that out now,
mate?
OCONNOR
Youre a clueless bastard, dick-
head.
GERRY
I know everything. I will destroy
you. I know the truth!
The Doctor and the Officer walk over to her Smart car. Wave.
And get in. They follow the convoy of trucks and the limo as
they drive out of the now empty warehouse.
Gerry runs after them.
GERRY (CONTD)
You fascist bastards.
STU
Jesus, Gerry. Easy.
GERRY
Come back, cowards. I wont let you
get away with this. Get back here!
A green scaly hand rises out of the limos sunroof and flips
Gerry the bird.
Gerry walks back to Stu and helps him up. Stu holds out his
hands and Gerry tries to untie them. He cant.
GERRY (CONTD)
Stu, can you believe it?
Gerry pulls on his ripped briefs to cover his exposed butt

cheek. They walk out the door...
EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
... Into the sunshine.
Gerry squints and surveys the area.

98.
He presses his remote key chain. At the far end of the

grounds we HEAR BLEEP-BLEEP. They walk toward the sound.
STU
Gerry. Look.
In a fifty five gallon drum full of trash, sitting on the

top, gleaming in the sun, is the Narwhal.
Gerry fishes the Narwhal out of the trash.
GERRY
Evidence.
He presses his remote key chain again. BLEEP-BLEEP.
EXT. HUMMER - DAY
Gerry and Stu remove a camouflage tarp from the Hummer.
Stu takes a manila envelope from under the windshield wipers

with his still tied hands. Opens it.
Inside are 8x10 glossies.
STU
Jesus Gerry, is there something you
want to tell me?
GERRY
Let me see those.
Gerry grabs the glossies.
INSERT: Photo after photo of Gerry in the windowless room

posed in compromising positions with the pony and the two
male models in leather shorts.
GERRY (O.S.)
Those black mailing Nazis...
(re: photo)
This ones not bad...
INT. HUMMER - DAY
The Hummer crashes through a chained gate.
Stu is still looking at the glossies.

99.
GERRY
This is big Stuie. Big! We are
sitting on a gold mine. A ratings
bonanza!
STU
Jesus, Gerry. If these get out,
youre toast.
GERRY
Stuie, Stuie, Stuie. Dont you get
it? Every station will be begging
to carry the Gary Buck Show now.
OConnor can have my time slot.
Ill take him on head to head. Ill
open with a full month of
Lizardism: The New Threat to
American Freedom. We have the
photos. We have the torture
device. We shoot re-enactments.
Grainy black and white.
STU
Gerry. Dont you think we ought
just forget this. This is the kind
of thing where you end up
committing suicide by multiple stab
wounds.
GERRY
Meetings with the FBI. Grand jury
investigation. Maybe even Interpol
and a trial at the Hague. I will be
in every minute of every hour of
the news cycle. Gerry Buck Saves
Freedom. Ill be a hero.
STU
I think you should drop it, Gerry.
GERRY
You were right, Stuie, the truth
has set me free! And it will be the
truth, nothing but the truth from
now on. Who knows, maybe Ill even
take a shot at the White House.
(Pardo imitation)
President Geeerrry Buuuuuuck.
STU
Really, Gerry. Drop-it.
100.
GERRY
Whod ever have imagined that?
Stuie, we are going to bring these
evil-doers down.
STU
Gerry... Stop...
GERRY
The truth is stranger than fiction,
hey, Stuie.
STU
Youve learned nothing! Nothing!
Will you never shut up?
GERRY
Dont worry. Im taking you with
me, Stuie. Youre my man. Were
going to survive this thing.
Gerry lets go of the wheel. Its steering on its own.
The Hummer accelerates.
GERRY (CONTD)
Hey. Stu, you see this?
STU
(German accent)
Sorry, Herr Gerry...
GERRY
Stu? What the--
Stu leans against the door, opens it and rolls out.
BAM! The truck BASHES into a steel billboard post.
EXT. CRASH SITE - DAY
The front of the Hummer is crushed. Gerry has flown through

the windshield. His battered face lies cheek down against the
crumpled, steaming hood.
Stu walks up, dusting himself off. He places two fingers on

Gerrys neck searching for a pulse.
The Doctor pulls up in the Smart Car, the Officer is on the

passenger side. He opens the door.
He is holding a small toy truck remote control. He hits a

button -- the Hummers air bags inflate.
101.
The Officer cuts off the ropes around Stus wrists. He leans
forward to allow him to climb into the back seat.
In the backseat is Stus Pudgy Wife. She high-fives Stu as he

gets in.
The Smart Car drives away.
The CAMERA drifts in on Gerrys dead, dopey, happy grin. The

Cockroach scurries onto his cheek. Pauses. Scurries off.
FADE TO BLACK.
We HEAR stage crew preparing for a live TV broadcast: FEET

SHUFFLING, CARTS ROLLING, SETS BEING BUILT, WORKERS TALKING.
JR. PRODUCER (O.S.)

OK, Bob. Were back in 10... 9...
CLOSE-UP LIVE FEED HD VIDEO MONITOR
Bob O'Connor gets a touch-up.
MAKE-UP GIRL
Enjoying your new time slot, Mr.
OConnor?
(leans back and inspects)
You have much smaller pores than
Mr. Buck.
JR. PRODUCER (O.S.)

Five... four...
O'Connor spins towards camera. Stu sits across from him. Stu
sounds UNCHARACTERISTICALLY SOPHISTICATED.
A flashing light and a SIREN go off.
O'CONNOR
Welcome back to OConnor, OReally.
If youve just joined, were
talking about the tragic death of
Gerry Buck with Stu Hendricks,
Gerrys executive producer. Jimmy,
can you put up those photos?
FULL SCREEN PHOTOS
Censored photos of Gerry with the pony and leather-shorted

boys fill the HD screen, ending on a shot of the Narwhal.
OConnor and Stu are in a small PIP.

102.
OCONNOR
Unbelievable. OK. Buck is a crazy
guy. He disappears for a weekend,
Tweets gibberish. Ends up dead in a
car wreck with narcotics in his
system, incriminating photos of
what I guess youd call an orgy and
some strange sex toy. What the heck
is that thing? Really?
INT. OCONNORS STUDIO
OCONNOR
Stu! How can you defend this guy?
STU
Well, I think you have to look at
Gerry as a performance artist, Bob.
Theatre of the mind if you will. A
modern day Orson Wells. His show, a
months long War of the Worlds. I
mean, what fantastic stories! A
cabal trying to take over humanity.
Humanoid lizards! What fun! As for
his personal life? Frankly, Bob,
dont we all have skeletons in our
closets? I know I do.
OCONNOR
OReally!
CAMERA cuts to a different angle of O'Connor.
O'CONNOR
Well, there you have it. The end of
an unbelievable career of a man who
just couldnt be believed. In
memoriam. Gerry Buck.
HD VIDEO MONITOR
GERRY
Buck you, O'Connor. Buck you and...
Old clips of Gerry Buck RANTING and RAVING play to the music
of GNARLS BARKLEYS Crazy.
GNARLS BARKLEY (V.O.)

Does that make me crazy? Does that
make me crazy? Does that make me
crazy?
103.
INT. O'CONNORS STUDIO - THAT MOMENT
Stu and OConnor chit-chat off mic. Stu, with a GERMAN

ACCENT.
O'CONNOR
That went well.
STU
Ja, I think so. How long do they
figure weve been set back?
O'CONNOR
A couple years? Decade? They seem
really spooked. Theyre still not
sure if there was a leak or not.
The first time in his life, Buck
may have been telling the truth.
STU
Who would have guessed Gerry Buck
would end up saving the world?
OCONNOR
For the time being, anyway.
STU
Ja. For the time being.
CAMERA moves slowly into the side monitor where Gerrys

doughy face is in a sobbing, phoney tears rant.
The screen splits.
On the other half GLENN BECK sobs and rants.
The screen keeps splitting, each time adding another ranting,

real life, PUNDIT or PROGNOSTICATOR. The rants rising to a
FEVERED PITCH until not a word can be understood.
GNARLS BARKLEY (V.O.)

Does that make me crazy? Does that
make me crazy? Possibly...
FADE OUT.

Gerry Buck Says Buck You

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Gerry Buck Says Buck You

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GERRY BUCK SAYS BUCK YOU

INT. GRADE TWO CLASSROOM - DAY - FLASHBACK

A classroom setting reminiscent of a more innocent time. An

A CUTE FRECKLED GIRL doodles as the TEACHER reads to CLASS.

Chunky EIGHT-YEAR-OLD GERRY BUCK fidgets. He glances across

There are no dogs.

The class erupts in LAUGHTER.

BLACK TITLE CARD:

We HEAR a STAGE CREW prepare for a live TV broadcast: FEET

INT. GERRYS OFFICE - NIGHT

GERRY BUCK (50) - grey-blond, plugged hair, wet eyes and

His office is crammed with TV/RADIO AWARDS and photos of him

He is a lousy rapper, but in broadcast he is accomplished.

A big framed photo of his HAPPY FAMILY sits on his desk.

JR. PRODUCER (V.O.)

LIVE FEED HD VIDEO MONITOR

He runs through a facial warm-up: Grins. Holds it... Angers.

JR. PRODUCER (O.S.)

Gerry shifts his face to neutral.

A MAKE-UP GIRL steps into frame, wipes his tears and

The CAMERA widens. It sets focus for a full body shot.

JR. PRODUCER (O.S.)

The LIVE FEED changes to VIDEO FEED.

MUSIC UP: JAMES BROWNS Living In America.

Photoshopped images pan across the high-definition monitor:

INT. GERRY BUCK SHOW STUDIO - THAT MOMENT

The entire stage is visible.

Photoshopped images continue on a side monitor: Gerry as the

Gerry stands in the spotlight and waits.

DON PARDO (V.O.)

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

EDITORS, PRODUCERS and Executive Producer, STU HENDRICKS (30)

DON PARDO (V.O.)

The monitors switch to the LIVE FEED of Gerry from various

LIVE FEED HD VIDEO MONITOR

DON PARDO (V.O.)

Gerrys face animates.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Editors knowingly look on -- been there, done that.

GERRY (ON MONITOR)

LIVE FEED HD VIDEO MONITOR

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

GERRY (ON MONITOR)

LIVE FEED HD VIDEO MONITOR

With a hint of Rodney Dangerfield, Gerry cranes his neck.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

LIVE FEED HD VIDEO MONITOR

CAMERA angle changes as Gerry walks to a chalkboard. He draws

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

The room is glued to the monitors drop-jawed.

Gerry Buck has topped Gerry Buck.

Stu slips out.

GERRY (ON MONITOR)

INT. GERRY AFTER DARK TV STUDIO - NIGHT

Grips, crew and make-up shake their bemused heads.

LIVE FEED HD VIDEO MONITOR

Gerry turns into a CUT from a different angle. Takes a moment

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

LIVE FEED HD VIDEO MONITOR

Gerrys jowls tremble. Lips quiver. Eyes fill with tears.

Composes himself. Then *BING* a big grin.

Holds grin, CHUCKLES...

JR. PRODUCER (O.S.)

JR. PRODUCER (O.S.)

Composes himself. Then BING a big grin.