Meg Strauss

Final Paper
26 April 2017

To: nbcuniversal@nbc.net
From: thejerbear@gmail.com
Date: May 1st, 2017
Subject: Recent Episode

Dear NBC Universal Executive Board,

To start this email, I would like to state that I have not oncenot once in the past 28

seasonsever questioned my expertise as a therapeutic host, as well as the qualifications of the

Jerry Springer Shows highly-trained security guards. Let me make it clear that while I too deem

the recent events that occurred on this afternoons show to be tragic, this past episode should by

no means serve as a representation of our shows standards. What happened this afternoon was

merely a fluke, and I can assure you, will never happen again.

As you all know, I seek out the most entertaining of guests to have on my show. Over the

years, my guests have ranged from The Adult Baby and the Kung Fu Hillbilly, to the man

married to his horse and the woman who cut off her own legs. When screening the two ladies on

this afternoons show, they seemed downright typicalsimply a woman meeting her husbands

mistress. Ive had duos such as these countless times on my show At most, I was expecting a

verbal confrontation that would maybe include some cursing and insults. In all actuality, I was

scared these women would be too boring for the audience. I, in full honesty, had no

preconception of the events that laid ahead of us.

 I was first introduced to these women in late December by the wifes cousin, Laxmi

Patel, a local telemarketer. She wrote me a letter virtually begging me to have her cousin on the

show.

I cant get her out of bed, the cousin wrote. The thought of seeing her husband is her

only chance of healing and providing a good life for her son. I was thinking you could have her

husband on the show first, then have her come out, and then they could make up right then and

there. Americans love romance, right?

I get letters such as these all the timea wife wanting to get back together with her

husband, a boyfriend who needs to see his vanished ex-girlfriend, and so on. Normally, I would

have immediately thrown out the letter, as I have many wife-versus-husband dynamics lined up

for the upcoming season. However, I had just been informed by our shows executive producer,

Jeff Walters, that data discovered a newly-found appeal to Indian audiences. With the strong

urging of Jeff to incorporate Indian guests onto our show, I reluctantly returned Laxmis letter,

informing her that the Jerry Springer Show would welcome her cousin as a guest.

Yes, Laxmi was indeed correct. Americans love romance; however they love conflict

more. Laxmi must be a new watcher of The Jerry Springer Show, considering it is rare when an

episode featuring an estranged couple ends in a happily ever after. I knew that I couldnt merely

have a show dedicated to Laxmis cousin and her cheating, separated husband. I recognized that

I must have the mistress also on the show.

I first called Laxmis cousin, Diya. I was surprised to learn that she did not know who I

was. After explaining to her that I was a host of a famous television show and was offering an

expense-free chance to see her husband, she quickly agreed.

 From what Laxmi had told me about Diya, I predicted that getting her on the show would

be simple; however, in regards to the husband and mistress, I was not so sure. Dialing the

number Diya gave me, I decided I would take a different approach in getting them to the show.

The husbandRajiv-- answered, and after much convincing that I was indeed a talk-show host

that gives out free cars, Rajiv agreed to bring himself and his girlfriend, Emily, to the show.

Now, I know this was not the most ethical approach, and looking back on the events that

transpired, I wish I would have been honest with Rajiv and Emily from the start. But, like I have

been saying, this is a show, and my show must fulfill the expectations to entertain.

Fast-forward to today, the first of May, and Diya was the first to come to the studio. She

looked exactly as I expected her toa short, thin Indian woman with bloodshot eyes and

noticeably unwashed hair. I truly felt bad for her, but at the same time, her appearance perfectly

fit the traditional heartbroken wife. She did not know that Rajivs new girlfriend would be

joining us for the episode, and I was not about to tell her, for I feared she would then wash her

hair.

I led Diya to the stage, and we started the show. She recapped her story for the audience,

stating that her husband fell in love with a woman he sat next to on the plane. She was mad, she

told the audience, but this has happened before, and if she could forgive once, she could forgive

again. At that moment, perfectly on cue, Rajiv and Emily were led blindfolded onto the stage.

Let me remind you that at this point I had not yet seen Rajiv and Emily. Needless to say,

I was, like everyone else in the audience, shocked my Emilys beauty. She was tall, lean, with

long blonde hair that washed over Rajivs shoulder as they walked arm-in-arm towards Diya. If I
had known Emily would be this striking, I would like to think I would have given Diya the

chance to clean herself up.

As the producers took off Emily and Rajivs blindfolds, they were, as expected, shocked.

Rajiv looked at Diya and wrapped his arms protectively around Emilys nearly nonexistent waist.

I feel that it was this act of affection that set Diya off.

In every show that has featured a physical altercation, the guests have waited to fight

until after verbal communication. It was because of this that our security guards were not ready

to interfere in a battle.

Before I had the chance to announce the new guests, Diya had jumped out of her seat and

ran towards Emily. I want to reinforce the idea that our security guards are not to blame. Being

the person onstage with the trio, I can ensure you that I have never seen a human being run so

quickly. Our security guards had no chance to stop the raging Diya.

As Diya sprinted towards her husband, Emily stuck out her left hand. I vividly remember

Diya taking this hand and opening her mouth. I never saw the actual bite, but I did see Diya

spitting out a flesh-colored, bloody finger. As I looked over at the screaming Emily, I saw her

grab her hand and cry as she looked at her own ring finger laying limply at her feet.

I didnt hear Diya say anything, but audience members have claimed to hear her whisper

to her husband, Marry her now.

Security guards quickly apprehended Diya, and Emily was rushed to the hospital. The

Jerry Springer Show is gladly paying Emilys medical bills, and recent communication with

Emilys doctors have informed me that they were able to stich back Emilys finger.
 It is with great remorse and embarrassment that I have to write to you an email such as

this; however, while I do take full responsibility for the incidents that occurred, I hope for your

forgiveness and open-mindedness in seeing that this was a rare accident. We are currently

retraining our security guards to be prepared for every possible event, and my executive

producers have repealed my authority to schedule and call future guests.

If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact my lawyer, King Fu Hillbilly

at 505-493-2030.

- Jerry Springer