A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears

dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the
pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
~Author Unknown

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ~Attributed to Arthur
McBride Bloch

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. ~Author Unknown

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John
Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in
Australia. ~Charles Schulz

All generalizations are bad. ~R.H. Grenier

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more
specific. ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed
by Lily Tomlin

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits, Small Change

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy
yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and
women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I
figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always
locking three. ~Elayne Boosler

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion
as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~Willaim Castle

If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet

Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley

Murphy was an optimist. ~O'Toole's Commentary

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was
useless. ~Nicholas Chamfort

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all
the people who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~Douglas Adams

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never
tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Today is the last day of some of your life. ~Author Unknown

Without geography, you're nowhere. ~Author Unknown

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown
You can't have everything... where would you put it? ~Steven Wright

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's
miserable and depressed. ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
~Torvald Gahlin

I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. ~Author Unknown

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought,
particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. ~Woody Allen

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in
moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes. ~Douglas Adams

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!" ~Author
Unknown

May those who love us love us,

and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.
~Irish Prayer

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to weave. ~Mignon

McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
~Author Unknown

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg. ~Author Unknown

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author
Unknown

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by
Now. ~Author Unknown

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill
him. ~Sir Winston Churchill

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. ~Author Unknown

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Author Unknown

How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom
Waits, "Mr Siegal," Heartattack and Vine

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe
together. ~Carl Zwanzig

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. ~Evan
Esar

Home is heaven and orgies are vile,

But I like an orgy, once in a while.
~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way
around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big
schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my
tuition back. ~Fred Allen

Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.
~From the movie Naked

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin
Sautar

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author
Unknown

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates
America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people. ~Conan
O'Brien, 2003

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural
causes. ~Author Unknown

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~Mae West

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile
names. ~Elbert Hubbard

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author Unknown

She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off
me during school term. ~Mark Twain

Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing
that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I
decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.
~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. ~Douglas
Adams, Mostly Harmless

Funny Sayings:
The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.

I have the body of a god… Buddha!

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy

If you don’t like the news, go out and make your own.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Guns don’t kill people… but they make it real easy.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the
passengers in his car.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Born free… taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

If, a two letter word for futility

I don’t care, I don’t have to.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

All men are idiots … I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.

Give pizza chants.

2010-01-26

I'm spinning in my new expensive office chair.

So I'm away... Now I'm back... Away again...

Back!.. And away..
1 Away message: To be continued...
2 I'm really here, but I'm trying to avoid %n (Don't tell them)
3 Gone crazy. Be back soon.
4 If you can guess what I'm doing I'll give you a cookie.
5 Sorry I'm not here right now, I'm lost in thought and seeing as it's
unfamiliar territory I might be gone for a while.
6 Computer $1000
Internet subscription $30 a month
MSN Messenger $0
Keeping you busy with this away message: PRICELESS
7 Just try to lick your elbow while I'm gone.
8 I'm walking my goldfish. Be right back.
9 I'm spinning in my new expensive office chair. So I'm away... Now
I'm back... Away again... Back!.. And away..
10 I'm not at home. In fact, I'm watching you... right now. Why are
you smiling?
11 Hello from the Community of the Insane Asylum! We are sorry to
announce that the occupant of this screen name is not here right
now. They are currently rocking to-and-fro in a straight jacket, in
a padded room. Please leave a message and they will get back to
you as soon as they have regained sanity. Which may take quite
a while, but we hope that you care enough about them to wait.
12 I can't talk on the computer now, so if, well, actually, I CAN talk
on the computer now, I mean, like, I'm at the computer NOW,
writing this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're
reading it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when
you're reading it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
13 I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I
return, please ask me to wait.
14 Let's practice our right and left. You're right, I left!
15 I ' m a l i t t l e s p a c e d o u t r i g h t n o w , b e b a c k w h e n I
' m a l l together!
16 I have been temporarily distracted by a shiny object.
17 I'm on a mission to save the world (I can't believe they trusted
me with this).
18 Only fools leave away messages.
19 I'm not here right now, if you'd like to reach me on my cell phone,
buy me a cell phone.
20 I'll be back before you can pronounce abcudfffuligy acumrtnackd
fingyh
21 Hi, this is No One, and No One is here right now, so No One will
be back soon.
22 People that scan away messages for entertainment are pathetic.
Let me know if you find any good ones.
23 Don't Worry, I dont know where I am either.
24 Sorry, I'm not here right now. Feel free to talk to the computer as
long as you like. I'll get back to you later.
25 Did you know by reading this message you have wasted 14
seconds of your life?
26 Don't you hate it when people leave away messages that don't
tell where they are or when they'll be back?
27 I owe! I owe! So off to work I go!
28 Hunger has driven man to insanity, today it has driven me from
my computer.
29 I'm away eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner. if your smart, you'll
figure out which one it is.
30 Transitive Property of Food:
Me = Human
Human = Eat Food
Me = Eat Food
31 If you eat right, exercise, and sleep well, you still die. Therefore I
am ignoring all of that and pigging out.
32 Expanding my stomach.
33 Hunger struck, be back when the fridge is empty.
34 Filling my tummy with something very yummy.
35 My stomach is growling and I'm answering.
36 Hello. Is your fridge running? Well mine is and I'm around the
house trying to catch it. So I'll be back later.
37 I'm not allowed to eat at my computer.
38 I'm testing out my pillow, I'll let you know when I'm done.
39 I am sleeping, why aren't you?
40 Sheep says "baaah," cow say "moo," I say "zzzzzz."
41 I am in bed! if it is an emergency or you just absolutely miss me
or need me call me if you have my number, if ya don't have my
number do this: Dance around your phone chanting "Call (Your
Name)" 5 times and then the phone number will appear on the
closest piece of paper by the phone. If it didn't work, you did it
wrong. Try again.
42 I'm spending some quality time with my pillow.
43 Shhh... I've got insomnia and I'm trying to sleep it off.
44