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Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences 237 (2017) 203 208

7th International Conference on Intercultural Education Education, Health and ICT for a
Transcultural World, EDUHEM 2016, 15-17 June 2016, Almeria, Spain

The romantic ideal of men and women involved in the relationship

of friends with benefits
Herenia Garca & Encarnacin Soriano*
University of Almeria, Spain

Abstract

This study provides a descriptive analysis of some beliefs or myths of romantic love that maintain individuals involved in the sexual
relationship called friends with benefits (FWB). These beliefs generate dissatisfaction in the couple, perpetuate gender inequalities
and are in the genesis and maintenance of gender violence. The myths under study have been jealousy, exclusivity, fidelity, true
love, the sudden onset of love, powerful love, and binomial sex-love. The sample was made up of 119 adults. An online
questionnaire validated in our context by judges has been used as a tool for data collection. Participants were asked to indicate
whether or not they identified with a particular myth of romantic love. The results indicate that most of these beliefs, though
weakened, remain despite the pragmatic, superficial and liberal nature of these relationships. Some gender stereotypes persist, men
are still heavily biased by tilting sex, while women remain significantly claiming the exclusivity of the relationship. In conclusion,
friends with benefits do not get rid of a romantic imaginary that generates emotional and sexual inequalities between men and
women and is the source of problems in the couple.
2017
2016TheTheAuthors.
Authors. Published
Published by by Elsevier
Elsevier Ltd.Ltd.
This is an open access article under the CC BY-NC-ND license
Peer-review under responsibility of the organizing committee of EDUHEM 2016.
(http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/).
Peer-review under responsibility of the organizing committee of EDUHEM 2016.
Keywords: Friends with benefits; myths of romantic love

1. Love and sexuality: myths of romantic love

The romantic myths in Spain and in Western countries have supported the belief that the romantic-passionate love
is the identity of a real relationship. This connection between the two concepts, love and sexuality, have generated
romantic beliefs which have been considered the failure of love relationships with a high degree of responsibility

* Corresponding author. Tel.: +34-950015755.

E-mail address: esoriano@ual.es

1877-0428 2017 The Authors. Published by Elsevier Ltd. This is an open access article under the CC BY-NC-ND license
(http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/).
Peer-review under responsibility of the organizing committee of EDUHEM 2016.
doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2017.02.064
204 Herenia Garca and Encarnacin Soriano / Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences 237 (2017) 203 208

(Gurman & Jacobson, 2002). This loving model and acceptance of myths about it, pushing toward monogamy, physical
attractiveness, exclusivity of the relationship and possession constitute an obstacle to the pleasure and satisfaction.
Further, they also have a key role in the emergence and maintenance of violence against women (Yela, 2003, 2005;
Esteban Medina & Tavora, 2005). It has been systematically observed in the stories of women, who have been victims
of gender violence, elements of this idea of romantic love on which they have built their universe and their biographies
(Sampedro, 2004).
In this sense, the teaching of these myths through the process of socialization - the myth of half orange or ideal
partner who is predestined, the myth of exclusivity, the myth of fidelity and that all sexual desires are satisfied by that
person, the myth of jealousy as a sign of true love, the myth of equivalence between love and infatuation, the myth of
marriage or cohabitation as zenith of love, the myth of eternal passion - have contributed to gender inequalities by
reinforcing the role of female subordination and stigma. While women are taught the link between sex and love, the
latter as a prerequisite for sex, men are encouraged to have sexual experiences with or without love, separating more
easily sexual desires from loving feelings (Fisher & Byrne, 1978; Avia, Carrillo & Rojo, 1990; Sangrador, 1993; Yela,
1998, 2000; Ferrer, Bosch & Navarro, 2010, Herrera, 2010).
Today, that ideal couple lives with conflicting orientations where desire and love are not identified, contradictory
messages that proliferate in a society that encourages competing values: freedom and commitment, stability and sexual
novelty, independence and fidelity (Sangrador, 1993), and encourages the emergence of new relationships, as friends
with benefits, where casual sex plays a fundamental role and represents a rejection of any kind of bonds. We can say
that in this modern age, the representation of sexuality is at stake as an essential element of the romantic experience
and the connection between love, sexual pleasure and marriage as normative in our society (Yela, 2000; Illouz, 2009).

2. Love in a postmodern society

Giddens (1992) predicted that romantic love is being replaced by confluent love (as the author called it) as the
dominant form in Western societies. Said confluent love or pure love is based on individuality and seeks constant
emotional satisfaction of the individual. This new conception of love is characterized by the following elements that
contrast with romantic love: it presupposes emotional equality, it is not monogamous nor based on sexual exclusivity
and therefore collides with the expressions, "forever" and "unique" which are typical of romantic love. In addition, it
relies on the complacency of the individual, beyond gender inequalities and focuses on being loved and loving, so it
remains stable as long as individuals feel satisfied (Giddens, 2000).
From sociology, also Bauman (2005) refers to these new relational patterns between men and women as "liquid
love" for its fragility. These patterns are qualified as weak, compulsive, based on individuality and lack of
commitment. In fact, Bauman (2005) indicates that Giddens new conception of love cannot be an alternative
engagement since the break is justified when the relationship ceases to be enjoyable.

3. A new relational framework: Friends with benefits and myths of romantic love

FWB -the sex between friends- are a clear example of the transformation of the affective universe and the release
of the sex of love. Individuals involved in FWB appeal to the playful character of love, shunning any form of
commitment (Hughes, Morrison & Asada 2005) and maintain a pragmatic view of relationships, what they call a
realistic love, where there are different opportunities to meet people and fell in love. Thus, it seems they are less likely
to believe in the romantic myths (Hughes et al., 2005; Bridges, Knox & Zusman, 2008). However, Yela (2003) and
subsequently Esteban et al (2005), maintain that men and women are still clinging to the myth of romantic love holding
a model of loving behaviour based on monogamy, heterosexuality and social subordination of women, belief in love
at first sight, the omnipotent love that overcomes all obstacles and jealousy of emotional and sexual infidelity.
Therefore, this work was created with the intention of responding to this question: Do individuals involved in FWB
maintain these traditional beliefs and romantic myths, hotbed of gender violence, source of dissatisfaction and
guarantor of inequality between men and women, or conversely, this romantic imagination has been overcome and
we have a relationship that really is committed to equality and rejects the ideal of love?
 Herenia Garca and Encarnacin Soriano / Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences 237 (2017) 203 208 205

4. Objectives

The main objective of this study is to check whether FWB, given its transgressive and polygamous, antagonistic to
the traditional relationship nature, traditional myths of romantic love are maintained.
From this general purpose derive two specific objectives:
a) Knowing the myths of romantic love of the people involved in FWB.
b) Differentiating the myths of romantic love of men and women

5. Method

5.1. Participants

This work is part of a wider cross descriptive research which involved 1026 people. Of the total sample, 119 people
were engaged in a sexual relationship called friends with benefits.
The sample consisted of 31 men (26.1%) and 88 women (73.9%). The mean age was 23.69 years. Regarding to
sexual orientation, almost all participants defined themselves as heterosexual. Regarding nationality, most of them
were Spanish. In relation to marital status, both men and women were mostly singles. Attending educational
qualifications, most of the participants had higher education, without noticeable differences related to gender.

5.2. Materials and procedure

The participants completed the online questionnaire about myths of romantic love, used in other studies and
validated in our environment by expert judges in methodology and sexology.
This questionnaire consisted of eight items referring to the following myths characteristic of stable relationships
love: jealousy, loyalty, exclusivity, true love, the sudden onset of love, powerful love and binomial love-sex.
Participants had to answer whether they identified with that belief or not.
The distribution of the survey was conducted through Facebook, email and websites. The time of conducting the
survey was seven months. In order to avoid duplication of surveys abstraction controls were used.
Participants were advised that the data received would be used by the investigators and just for scientific purposes.
They were told that participation was voluntary and that the survey was completely anonymous and confidential, they
were urged to sincerity in the answers and the right to cancel their participation at any time. An essential requirement
for replaying the questionnaire was to be equal or greater than 18 years old. Regarding the statistical analysis statistical
comparisons between variables were performed using the nonparametric test, Mann-Whitney U, considering
significant p < 0,05.

6. Results

Most participants were not considered jealous, 59.5% versus 40.5%. Conversely, a higher percentage, 58.1%, said
to feel uncomfortable if your friend with benefits maintained other parallel relationships while 41.9% would not.
Furthermore, with respect to suffer anxiety if your partner shows interest in the other person, 53.8% versus 46.2%
would not suffer. Despite the ambiguity of the percentages (as the result of each option are close and not significantly
opt for one) it seems that participants, especially women, have disturbed their unfaithfulness and think they can lose
exclusivity in the relationship. But as you can see, there are no significant differences between men and women.
While most said not to believe in the existence of one true love (74.4%), paradoxically, 87.2% choose the option
that love in a relationship helps to overcome obstacles, 92.3% also they agreed with feel special and unique and 75.7%
does not share that sex is the most important thing in a relationship, being this statement stronger on women.
Considering the item, believe in love at first sight, participants have shown ambivalence, 47.9% yes, while 52.1%
have denied.
In general, it is observed that traditional beliefs of romantic love are not been eradicated, although it may seem
contradictory, people keep these ideas in a pattern that supports multiple partners. This aspect is more remarkable in
206 Herenia Garca and Encarnacin Soriano / Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences 237 (2017) 203 208

women. In fact, women are significantly distanced from the men in the desire to feel special and unique in their
relationship (U = 1180.000, P <0.05).

Table 1. Romantic Love Ideas.

Valid Sum of Ranks

Variable U P
percentage Women Men

I consider myself a jealous person. 5114,00 1672,00 1176,000 0,492

Yes 40,5
No 59,5

The idea that your friend with benefits 4956,00 194,00 1215,000 0,299
has relations with another person
would make me feel really bad.

Yes 58,1
No 41,9

It gives me anxiety just knowing that 4975,00 1928,00 1234,000 0,394

my friend would show more interest in
another person than me.

Yes 53,8
No 46,2

I think there is only one true love. 5135,00 1767,50 271,500 0,616

Yes 25,6
No 74,4

Love in a relationship helps to 5072,50 1830,50 1331,500 0,987

overcome obstacles.
87,2
Yes 12,8
No

I believe in love at first sight 5083,00 1819,50 1323,500 0,946

.
Yes 47,9
No 52,1

In my relationship I like to feel special 4921,00 1982,00 1180,000 0,041

and unique.

Yes 92,3
No 7,7

The important thing in a relationship is 4970,00 1700,00 1235,000 0,732

sex.

Yes 24,3
No 75,7
 Herenia Garca and Encarnacin Soriano / Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences 237 (2017) 203 208 207

7. Discussions and conclusions

The myths of romantic love, though weakened, are maintained in FWB, so this relationship comes together into a
romantic vision of love, distancing themselves from the pragmatic perspective of casual relationships (Puentes et al.,
2008).
The myth of jealousy persists in the Romantic imaginary and is interpreted as a sign of love, and even the
prerequisite of true love. This conviction is a guarantee of exclusivity, often commonly used to justify selfish, unjust,
repressive and violent behaviour (Ferrer et al., 2010) and is a reaction that prevents infidelity and loss of partner
(Casullo and Fernandez Liporace, 2005). However, the fact that this emotional reaction is not noticeable in this study,
is reasonable to the nature of FWB, where members do not maintain any ties or commitment, are completely
independent, with no responsibilities and obligations (Bisson and Levine, 2009).
In relation to gender, differences are observed. On the one hand, women exhibit a more pronounced jealousy. They
need to feel special and unique, corroborating the belief that the romantic ideal has a greater effect on women
(Sampedro, 2004). On the other hand, men give supremacy to sex, more easily separating the sexual desires of amorous
feelings. Thus, the education received by women continues to reinforce the qualities to successfully play the role of
wife care for the physical appearance and beauty, the ability to seduce in order to keep the attention of men and claim
their exclusivity. Meanwhile, the male continues to take an active role based on his penchant for sex (Yela, 2000,
2003; Ferrer & Bosch, 2013). However, some prototypical elements such as the sudden onset of love (love at first
sight) or the belief in true love, are fading in both of them (Sampedro, 2004). While the myth, love helps to overcome
obstacles or difficulties, related to the omnipotent vision of love remains. Contrary to what is defended by Bridges
and colleagues (2008).
The study results reinforce the belief that romantic love is an intrinsic part of the process of socialization and
construction of gender relations, assigning attributes to men and women regarding their roles to take on (Meler, 1994).
Sanpedro (2004) points out that the romantic ideal culturally built offers the individual a model of loving behaviour
organized around social and psychological factors, that is, you learn what it means to fall in love and is associated
with certain feelings like, when, how and from whom. Although friends with benefits overcome some gender
differences, and lies in some aspects convergence between men and women (Reid, Elliott and Webber, 2011), people
who practice that kind of relation have been educated in the same culture and it is difficult to relegate certain beliefs.
Regarding the parallelism between FWB and the vision of Giddens (1992) of a love that replaces the romantic,
based on individuality, which presupposes emotional equality, ironing out differences between men and women and
which is characterized by the pursuit of fullness individually and free in exchange for sexual and emotional well-
being, it seems that although in principle, friends with benefits can inspire the ideal Giddens, not fully elements such
as sexual and emotional equality are hold. Although the new social status of women have shaped a type of relationship
more democratic while unstable (Rodriguez-Brioso, 2004), stereotypes and gender inequalities of the friends with
benefits require a more complex approach since this loving framework described by Giddens may be an excessively
naive and democratic ideal approach to the current relations between men and women (Jamieson 1999).
Therefore, the myths found guilty of frustration and disappointment in the couple and one of the factors for gender
violence remain (Sanpedro, 2004; Esteban., et al. 2005; Prez, Fiol, Guzmn, Palmer & Buades., 2008; Melgar &
Valls, 2010) and, consequently, you cannot say that the loving and sexual relationship established between friends
assume a loving context based on emotional and sexual equality.
In conclusion, these results lead us to reflect on the opposing prevailing social discourses about love, in a complex
society and in full metamorphosis of privacy, but it does not get rid of romance. Furthermore, emphasizing the need
to change the traditional differential socialization processes and developing alternatives that can serve to prevent
gender violence (Perez & Fiol, 2013). And proposing further realistic approaches to loving reality, the multiplicity of
affections, diverse and complex, and strip the love of resignations and continuous sacrifices (Sampedro, 2004).

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