Jeb! The Musical

Jeb!
: An American Disappointment
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HERE is the beginning of the actual play
For more information, contact

alex.cohen.110@gmail.com
Reviews
Possibly the best musical parody of a sad political dynasty in history - Vanity Fair
http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/04/hamilton-ten-dollar-bill-redesign
[Jeb!: An American Disappointment] turns out much, much better than you could
have imagined - Vox
http://www.vox.com/2016/4/22/11465048/jeb-hamilton
...its amazing... - USA Today

http://college.usatoday.com/2016/04/22/crowdsourced-jeb-musical-is-ingenious-
parody-of-broadway-hit-hamilton/
In what can only be described as an artistic feat, 19 people on the Internet produced
the Hamilton parody to end all parodies. - amNY.com
http://www.amny.com/entertainment/hamilton-parody-jeb-an-american-disappointment-
spoofs-presidential-campaign-1.11711389
It's not as good as Lin-Manuel Miranda's work, but what is? In a world full of cheap,
low-effort knockoffs, you've still got to salute people who go the extra mile to
follow their own unique visions. In the words of another failed presidential
candidate, "Ha ha ha! Terrific!" -Vulture
http://www.vulture.com/2016/04/latest-hamilton-parody-is-about-jeb-bush.html
Within its Google Doc pages is something of a brilliant political satire. - The Daily
Dot
http://www.dailydot.com/geek/jeb-bush-hamilton-parody-2016-election-musical/
The Internet may have finally outdone itself with Jeb! An American Disappointment!
- The New York Observer
http://observer.com/2016/04/89-people-wrote-a-crowdsourced-hamilton-parody-about-
jeb-bush/
Some college students spend their free time hanging out on the quad, joining a club,
or partying. Others rewrite an entire Broadway hip-hop musical to center on a failed
Republican presidential nominee. - The AV Club
http://www.avclub.com/article/internet-wrote-full-length-jeb-bush-inspired-versi-235615
Some of Jeb!s jokes and rhymes are sheer genius - Slate

http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2016/04/21/jeb_bush_s_failed_presidential_camp
aign_makes_for_a_hilarious_hamilton_parody.html
"The best part is... a musical about Jeb Bush." - WNYC

http://www.wnyc.org/story/sideshow-jeb-the-musical-pats-bob-ross/
Some people who have way too much creativity and time on their hands invented
the best thing to come out of the 2016 presidential campaign - Orlando Weekly
http://www.orlandoweekly.com/Blogs/archives/2016/04/19/jeb-the-musical-is-here-and-
its-hilarious
Were you hoping for a full-length musical about Jeb Bush in the hip hop style of
Broadway smash hit Hamilton? It's your lucky day. - Orlando Sentinel
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/politics/political-pulse/os-20160419-story.html
A hilarious take on the original. - Carbonated.tv

http://www.carbonated.tv/entertainment/internet-wrote-full-length-hamilton-parody-to-
mock-jeb-bush
The Pulitzer Prize committee should just give next years drama award out now to
[Jeb!: An American Disappointment.] - The Week
http://theweek.com/speedreads/619509/relive-comedy-tragedy-that-jeb-bushs-
candidacy-jeb-musical
...the sheer number of references they make to the events of this years election is
impressive. - The Wrap
http://www.thewrap.com/hamilton-parody-mocks-jeb-bushs-failed-presidential-
campaign/
"The meter is nonexistent and every line is reduced to just end rhyme. This is some
first draft, 'no bad ideas' shit." - Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble, Internet Commenter
The other day I read about a group of college students who had written a Hamilton
musical parody about Jeb Bush. Could any idea sound less funny and more like a
homework assignment? - The Washington Post
https://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/tv/veeps-is-so-good-its-the-only-
comedy-that-doesnt-need-trump-jokes/2016/04/22/53293eec-0746-11e6-bdcb-
0133da18418d_story.html
JEB!
AN AMERICAN
DISAPPOINTMENT!
(Please Clap)
A story of the tortoise and the Hair (who shot him)

#YayJebby #PleaseJustClap #Jeb4Ham
Authors
(in alphabetical order by last name):
Anna Abraham
Maitreyi Anantharaman
Emma Bilbrey
Alex Cohen
Zach Cohen
Rachel Cohn
Sam Daitzman
Katie DeWitt
Alejandro Espinosa
Cassidy Hill
Luke Hoban
Molly Lippitt
Andreia Matos
Sophia Morales
Bridget Mountford
Caylene Parrish
Ariel Sauri
Hannah Schmitt
Sam Sledzieski
Rebecca Tarnopol
With assistance from:

Aliza Abarbanel, Chloe Arnold, Lukia Artemakis, Anique Barch, Adrian Belmes, Rohit
Biswas, Jessica Borin, Elise Brown, Joshua Burton, Alexis Carel, Deborah Chai,
Petrina Chan, Brandon Chang, Michael Chin, Phoebe Clark, Stefan Colton, Joshua
Cross-Barnet, Lauren Dattilo, Payton De La Cruz, Zach De Ocampo, Mary Warren
Dickens, Forest Edwards, Zach Ehrlich, Ross Floyd, Haley Fica, Stephen Friedrich,
Sarah Harvard, Maddie Hartke, JT Hinchen, Jemma Howlett, Meghana Jayam, Kathrin
Kajderowicz, Juliana Kaplan, Samantha Kargilis, Rebecca Ki, Dylan King, Michael
Lahanas, Allyson Larcom, Alex Liao, Julia Machado, Jessica Malerman, Graedon
Martin, Ethan Mark, Jade Matias Bell, Oren Maximov, Logan Metiz, Rachel Miga,
Rekha Mohan, Zach Palumbo, Jenny Park, Evan Pincus, Anna Piwowar, Marisa Ray,
Sam Rizer, Janine Rogers, Daniel Ruiz-Betancourt, Asya Sagnak, Emmet Sandberg,
Caroline Sarkozi, Alan Silberberg, Pranav Sharma, Zach Silberberg, Apitha
Srivicharnkul, Ruthie Stewart, Jessie Sparacino, Mason Tipton, Nathan Trivers, Eli
Udler, Lucas Unze, Riley Woodford
Cast List
(Hamilton) Jeb! Bush: Please Clap
(Burr) Donald Trump: He Can Assure You, Everythings Working
(Washington) George W Bush: Our Nations Decider
(John Laurens) John McCain: His Only Regret is Sarah
(Lafayette) Lindsey Graham: His Party Has Gone Batshit
(Hercules Mulligan) Chris Christie: Bridges Hate Him
(Eliza): Florida Voters: Jeb Loves Them
(Angelica): Florida Interests: Jeb Wants to Be With Them
(Peggy) Florida Money: We Know Its There
(King George) Bill Clinton/Barack Obama/Hillary Clinton: Evil Democrats
(Charles Lee) Sarah Palin: Almost Vice President (Wheeee!)
(Jefferson) Ted Cruz: Ready to Kill Again
(Madison): John Kasich: Aw Jeez People
(John Adams) Mitt Romney: Just Wants a Trump Steak
(Maria Reynolds) Intern from PR: Seduces Jeb With Promises of Virality
(Philip Hamilton) Marco Rubio: Sippin Water Since 2013
(Samuel Seabury) Bernie Sanders: Let Him Just Say This
(Grandpa Schuyler) Ben Carson: Those Hands...
(Theodosia) Ivanka Trump: Donalds One True Love (After Himself)

Song List
Act I:
1. (Alexander Hamilton) Jeb! Bush, Exclamation Point
2. (Aaron Burr, Sir) Donald Trump, Chump
3. (My Shot) My (Exclamation) Point!
4. (The Story of Tonight) The Story of Iraq
5. (The Schuyler Sisters) The Florida Machine
6. (Farmer Refuted) Sanders Refuted
7. (Youll Be Back) Youll Be Back (To Democrats)
8. (Right Hand Man) Right Wing Man
9. (A Winters Ball) A Summers Rally
10. (Helpless) Voting
11. (Satisfied) On Our Side
12. (The Story of Tonight Reprise) The Story of Iraq Reprise
13. (Wait for It) Pay For It
14. (Stay Alive) Stay in the Race
15. (Ten Duel Commandments) Ten Debate Commandments
16. (Meet Me Inside) Meet Them On Stage
17. (That Would Be Enough) At Least Thats Something, Right?
18. (Guns and Ships) Hes Not Mitt
19. (History Has Its Eyes on You) Fox News Has Its Eyes on You
20. (Yorktown) Iowa (Jeb is the Best Weve Got)
21. (What Comes Next) Who Comes Next?
22. (Dear Theodosia) Dear Ivanka
23. (Non Stop) Full Stop
Act II:
24. (Whatd I Miss?) My Poll Numbers Jump
25. (Cabinet Battle #1) Debate #1
26. (Take a Break) Take a Break
27. (Say No to This) Guac Bowls For This
28. (The Room Where It Happens) Running for Office
29. (Schuyler Defeated) Carson Defeated
30. (Cabinet Battle #2) Debate #2
31. (Washington on Your Side) G.O.P.. On Your Side
32. (One Last Time) One Last Shot at the Campaign
33. (I Know Him) I Know Him
34. (The Adams Administration) The Romney Humiliation
35. (We Know) We Know
36. (Hurricane) Hurricane
37. (The Reynolds Pamphlet) The Guac Bowl Memes
38. (Burn) Bern
39. (Blow Us All Away) Blow Up Your Campaign
40. (Stay Alive (Reprise) Stay In The Race (Reprise)
41. (Its Quiet Uptown) Its Gentle Down South
42. (The Election of 1800) The Election of 2016
43. (Your Obedient Servant) Your Obedient Vice President
44. (Best of Wives and Best of Women) Best of Friends to Sleep With
45. (The World Was Wide Enough) The Field Was Wide Enough
46. (Who Lives, who Dies, Who Tells Your Story) Who Wins, Who Drops, Who Memes Your Story
ACT I
1. Jeb! Bush, Exclamation Point
*DUN DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH*

*doo dee doo doo*
Trump: How does the pampered brother, son of a George and a Barbara,
Dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot with some Floridians,
By politics and Charles Kochs donations
Grow up to somehow miss the nomination
Christie: The million-dollar, front runner, engraving gunner1

Got no farther by working no harder
By being no smarter
By being a non-starter
By 45, they placed him in charge of a state charter
Cruz: And everyday while votes were being written and cast away across the states
Jeb refused to be a goner;
Inside he was ready to be just like his father
But his brother was the one who the country went and honored
Kasich: Then a recount came2

And litigation rained
Our man saw his future drip, dripping down the drain
Called some lawyers to his office,
And started up a campaign
And he wrote his first refrain:
An exclamation3 by his name
Trump: Well the word got around, they said

This campaign is lame, man.
Took up a collection just to give the guy some game, man
Get yourself some donors
Dont forget your family name
We already know your name, whats your name, man?
Jeb: Jeb Bush, exclamation point.
1
https://twitter.com/JebBush/status/699706718419345408
2
http://articles.latimes.com/2001/jul/14/news/mn-22362
3
http://media.gq.com/photos/567c0ebdbc00c1ec1f140955/master/pass/o-JEB-facebook.jpg
My name is Jeb Bush, exclamation point.
And theres a million things I havent done
But please just clap, please just clap.4
Florida: At 56 his brother split, term up, low rating

Next election saw McCain and his Partys lead fading
What a joke
They realized they were quickly losing votes
(a hushed whisper) And Obama got elected and the Party went croak
GW: Thought hed run the next time5 but Romney went and shoved him aside,
Left him with nothing but family pride,
Something new inside, a voice
Saying Jeb exclamation point, you should go
He started retweeting and meeting every foe of Barry O.
Trump: There would have been more things left to do

For someone more astute
He would have regained and restituted
the Bush family institution
Started working, lurking on his big brothers fan boards
Reframing something dumb he said, an image he can ill afford
Scanning for every soundbite he can get his hands on
Planning for the future, see him now as he plans for
That convention, heading towards Cleve-LAND6
In Cleveland, get the nomination!
Ensemble: In Cleveland, get that nomination! (Just you clap)

In Cleveland, get that nomination! (Just you clap)
In Cleveland, get that nomination!
In Clevelanddddd
JUST YOU CLAP!!
Jeb Bush, exclamation point!

We are waiting with an eh for you
You always backed down
And Donald beat you every TIII-II-IIIIME, OHHHH
Jeb Bush, exclamation point!
4
http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/02/04/jeb-bush-audience-please-clap-new-hampshire-sot.cnn
5
http://www.politico.com/story/2012/06/jeb-bush-2012-was-my-time-to-run-077137
6
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2016_Republican_National_Convention
America shrugs for you
Do they know what you overcame?
Do they know that youre kind of lame?
The World will probly be the same
Trump: Jeb is on the campaign trail, see if you can spot him
Company: Just you clap
Trump: Another Bush brother,

Scraped from the barrels bottom
Company: Just you clap
Trump: The Donald Trump destroyed his rep,

America said Not him
Cruz/Kasich/Christie/Graham: We fought with him
Voters: We, we heard of him?
W: Me, I trusted him.
Rubio: Me, I loved him [daddy].
Trump: And me?

(music cuts out)
Im up in the polls, 20, 30 points,
And then theres Jeb, hes got like 5 points,
Hes an embarrassment to his family, low energy,
What a sad, sad man, hes a mess.
Ensemble: There is one big thing youve never done,

But just you clap.
Trump: Whats your name again?
All: Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point!
2. Donald Trump, Chump

Chorus: Two thousand and fifteen. Washington DC.
Jeb: Pardon me, are you Donald Trump, Chump?
Trump: That depends, whos asking?
Jeb: Oh, uhmp, humph, Im Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point, Im at your service, Chump.
I have beenlooking for you.
Trump: Im getting nervous.
Jeb: Grump, I heard your name in New York, I was seeking to campaign for an elected office,
when I got in this line due to this last name of mine. You probly know it, my bro and dad both -
they guided as they presided
Trump: You mean as President?
Jeb: Yes! I want to lead this country, governed Florida, I ran and got elected, they looked at me
like I was lame, Im not lame. But for the general. How did George win double terms?
Trump: It goes to show just what the people will affirm.
Jeb: Its coercion! Of course!

Im his brother! God, I wish he hadnt swore
That we were fighting a just war, Iraq lost us so much more
Trump: Can I buy you a Trump Steak7?
Jeb: That would be nice.
Trump: While were talking let me offer you some deal advice
Talkloud.
Say dumb shit.
Dont let them know that youre a raging hypocrite.
Jeb: You cant be serious.
Trump: If you wanna get ahead,

Fools who are low-energy, wind upJeb.
Christie: Y-Y-Yo yo yo yo!

What time is it?
McCain: Vote time!
7
http://www.sharperimage.com/si/view/product/Trump+Steaks/888888
Trump: ...Like I said
McCain: Vote time, vote time.

Yo, Im John McCain right here in DC!
Couple pints of Budweiser8 but Im working for free!
Those Democrats dont want it with me,
Cause I will take down these librals till we succeed!
Graham: Yes, yes, my friends, it is I, Lindsey Graham

South Carolinas charming conservative front-man
I came from the South just to speak with my mouth
Use my soothing accent to get to
The White House
Christie: Braaah! Braahh! I am Governor Chris Christie

Up in it, lovin it, runnin the Garden State, New Jersey
Close down your bridges9 and SubwaysTM, delays
These days, the gays are ablaze, please pass the mayonnaise?
Graham: No more time for handshakes with Obama

Lets raise a couple to our Partys melodrama.
McCain: Well if it aint the prodigy of Fordham10 Uni!
Christie: Donald Trump!
McCain: Give us a pump, say what you see.
Trump: Good luck with that, you're all gonna lose

You sit, Imma spit, well see who they choose
McCain: Trump, the elections imminent, what do you gloat for?
Jeb: If you stand for everything, Trump, what will you vote for?
McCain/Christie/Graham: Woah who are you,

Oh, its you,
We know you, dude,
8
http://www.azcentral.com/news/election/special3/articles/0123biz-hensley.html
9
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/02/04/nyregion/Timeline-George-Washington-Bridge-
Scandal.html?_r=0
10
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/fordham-students-forget-trump-article-1.2577533
Yet another Bush Brother, whats he gonna do
3. My (Exclamation) Point
Jeb: I am not throwin away mah point!

Not throwin away mah exclamation - point!
Hey yo, Im just like my country Im excitable and jumpy,
And Im not throwin away mah point!
Imma score support from the RNC,
I probly shouldnt brag but dang who else could it be?
Gonna win the nomination, save the GOP
Every day makin my way to the Presidency, you know its me
Im the next Bush up in line, but unlike my big Bro
I told the Ivies no and taught the kiddies down in Mexico
Thats where I met a stunner, this biddie named Columba11
Learned some Espaol12, scored her numba, and from huh (her)
I have gained a really lovely wife, true love of my life
And with her assistance well win the Latino vote, right?
The plan is to man this platform and campaign
But I guess if Imma run then I should spell out my name.
I am the J-O, H-N, E-L, L, I-S, B-U, S-H, well

They call me Jeb, and thats all fine and swell
Meanwhile these Democrats makin me yell, and Hell
Be the POTUS? Yeah, I guess I might as well.
Cause Baracks left this land with an awful smell
He aint never gonna stop the gangs and drug cartels
So we need a new election, stop this infidel
Alarm bells
Ensemble: Go off as the Party yells
Jeb: But just watch as this Bush drops some mad bombshells
Imma put this nation back under my familys spell
Cause sweet Jebbys rhymes flowin like hot caramel
(CHORUS x 2)
Graham: I dream of neocon presidencies

Looks like November we will see GOP
11
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/06/the-mysterious-columba-bush/392090/
12
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mvc63HMcYFg
GOP, how you say? A House Majority?
The progressive sides dead with Bernie and Hillary
Thats a--
All (as Lindsey air dribbles a fake basketball and swishes into invisible hoop): Point!
Christie: Yo, Im Springsteens13 biggest fanboy

Spending 80 grand at the Giants concession stands14, boy
Im joinin up with Donald cause Im sure its my chance
To advance, maybe hell let me be his vice presidance
Eh, you get my
All (as Chris Christie serves and spikes a fake volleyball): Point!
McCain: But well never be truly free

Until we balance out this extreme far right GOP
All of you, gotta do whats right for the Party
This Party, its about time to get this shit started
Like Pink!
All: Exclamation point!
Trump: Geniuses, move off to the side

Im gonna make this election cycle one wild ride
Im the orange, crass loud-mouth who cant be stopped
Youre gonna be publicly taught; at debates, youre gonna get mocked!
Jeb: Hey, Trump: Knock, knock,

Whos there? What a shock, its Jebby from the block
Im servin up some spicy guac15, and its hotter than hot
If you cant eat it you can leave it, and step right off my jock
What are the odds that God would put us all in one spot?
Poppin a squat on conventional politics like it or not
A buncha mediocre ammunition-friendly scared evangelists
Give me a donationshow me where the PAC money is!
Oh am I talking too soft?

I never get over excited, or ever shoot off,
Ive never had a group of friends before.
13
http://www.newsweek.com/history-chris-christie-bruce-springsteen-relationship-368540
14
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/11/chris-christie-nfl-taxpayer-food_n_7256268.html
15
http://www.npr.org/2015/12/31/461518357/finally-revealed-jeb-bushs-secret-guacamole-recipe
I promise I wont tick yall off.
Someone (worried): Should we put him in front of a crowd?

Not throwin away mah exclamation point!
I am not throwin away mah point!

Jeb Supporter: Everybody sing!

Jeb! Jeb! Who is heeeee? Who is heeeee? Who is heeee? Yeah!
Who-oo-oo is heeeee? (Shout it to the rooftops!)
Who is heeeee? (I said shout it to the rooftops!)
Who is hee?! (Cmon!)
Yeah! (Cmon, lets go!)
Jeb: Rise up!

When your brothers in command, you rise up!
When Trump is out of hand, you rise up!
Tell my mother that Im gonna rise up!
Chorus: God, when is he gonna rise up?

Hes so damn drab; please speak up!
God, when is he gonna rise up?
Hes so damn drab; please speak up!
Rise up!
Jeb: Ive imagined this so much it feels more like a memory

Howm I gonna I win this? Beg and plead? Collect even more money?
I can feel it coming; Ive got to run. Jeb dont let it be!
2016 will be the year for me!
I never thought Id live to see the day
When itd be Jebs turn to have it his way
Ask any Bush why we go to war and beat Gore, settle our scores,
Weve got to take the fast lane and the back door.
Scratch that, this is not the fast lane, its a campaign

Where the nominations a guarantee of your future reign
Dems oppose us, we take a right wing stand
We roll like Reagan, claimin our promised land.
And if I win the nomination? Is that a guarantee of saving our dear nation?
Or will the votes we lost begin an endless cycle of filibusters and stagnation?
I know the rallies for the Trump are excitin, but Jesus,
Between all the screamin and lyin Ive been speakin and sighin.
We need to handle the far-right situation!
Are we a Party for bigots? Whos our front runner blamin?
Im past policy splainin! Im relatively spendin every PAC donation
Every ad is an act of insultation!
Im cryin in the face of polls that give me zero
But I got to be Americas hero
Chorus: And I am not throwin away mah point!


4. The Story of Iraq
Jeb: I may haved lived to see two Gulf Wars.
Christie/McCain/Graham: I may have lived to see two Gulf Wars.
Jeb: But I would love to send troops back.
Christie/McCain/Graham: But I would love to send troops back.
Jeb: And when our children tell our story...
Christie/McCain/Graham: And when our children tell our story...
Jeb: Theyll tell the story of Iraq.
Christie: Theyll tell the story of Iraq.
McCain: Lets destroy ISIS in Iraq.
Graham: Lets destroy ISIS in Iraq.
Jeb: Lets destroy ISIS in Iraq.
McCain: Raise a glass to Freedom

Something we can give the Middle East
No matter what they tell us
Raise a glass to Saddam Hussein.
McCain/Christie: Remember we blew out his brain.
McCain/Christie/Graham: Telling the story of Iraq.
Jeb: Theyll tell the story of Iraq.
McCain/Christie/Graham: Raise a glass to Freedom

Something we can give the Middle East
Jeb: No matter what they tell us
Christie/Graham: Lets destroy ISIS in Iraq

McCain: Raise a glass to Saddam Hussein
Jeb/McCain/Christie/Graham: Remember we blew out his brain
Jeb/McCain: Telling the story of Iraq
Christie/Graham: Lets destroy ISIS in Iraq.
Jeb/McCain/Ensemble: Christie/Graham/Ensemble:
Theyll tell the story of Iraq Raise a glass to freedom
Theyll tell the story of Iraq Raise a glass to freedom
Theyll tell the story of Iraq Theyll tell the story of
Ensemble: Iraq
5. The Florida Machine
Trump: The thing all politicians love most

Is goin down South and panderin for votes
They pull up in their super PACs and gawk
At the voters in the districts just to watch em talk
Take a look at Florida, its machine is loaded,

But oh oh, little does it know
That its cogsmoney, interests, and the voters
Work together moving candidates like motors
Ensemble: *Vote, vote!*
Interests: The interest groups
Ensemble: *Vote, Vote*
Voters: The voters
Money: And money!
V/I/M: The Florida Machine!
Interests: Interests
Money: Money
Voters: The voters.
V/I/M: VOTE!
Money: Florida said to not buy campaign ads.
Interests: Florida doesnt need to know.
Money: Florida said to vote for guys who look like dads.
Voters: Seems like the way to go.

Interests: But, look around, look around
Election year is happening in Florida,
Florida,
America.VOTE
Money: Bad enough theres no single candidate.
Voters: People need a nominee.
Money: Bad for me when the establishments abate
Interests: Which cand-i-date is for me.
Money: Look around, look around, in-ter-ests, remind me what youre looking for.
Jeb [very hopefully]: Are you looking for me?
Interests: Um, nah, Im looking for a mind that works (works)

Looking for a mind that works (works)
Looking for a mind that works.
Woo-aoaoh wooahoahoa eee WORKS! (woo!)
Trump: Theres nothin like runnin in the South.

Voters listen up: Imma run my big mouth.
Excuse me sir, I know its not funny,
But your money smells like well, like it smells like money.
Why you spendin all your time with those nasty PACs
Take a big gulp of Trump, sit back and relax.
Interests: Trump, you disgust me.
Trump: Ah, so youve discussed me!

GOT A SMALL LOAN OF A MILLION16, YOU CAN TRUST ME.
Interests: Ive been readin Reaganomics and Ayn Rand,

Atlas Shrugged tricklin through my mind like sand
You dont want a revolution, you want that nomination
We give no fucks bout Obamas nation.
V/I/M: We hold these truths to be self evident

That white men are created equal.
16
http://www.cnn.com/2015/10/26/politics/donald-trump-small-loan-town-hall/
Interests: And when I meet Mr. Teddy Cruz (OH)
Imma tell him to keep the Democrats out the sequel VOTE!
Voters: Look around, look around at how

Many candidates are still alive right now.
Voters/Money: Look around, look around at how

V/I/M: Election year is happening, were attacking and we just happen to be in the sketchiest
state in the U.S.! IN THE SKETCHIEST STATE IN THE U.S.! (VOTE!!)
Interests: Voters/Money:
Ive been readin Reaganomics and Ayn Rand, Look around, look around
Atlas Shrugged tricklin down through my mind like sand Election year is happening in
You dont want a revolution Florida!
You want the nomination Florida!
We give no fucks bout Obamas nation.
V/I/M: We hold these truths to be self evident

That white men are created equal (woo!)
Look around, look around at how
Ensemble: Election year is happening,

Were attacking and we just happen to be
In the sketchiest state in the U.S.!
IN THE SKETCHIEST STATE IN THE U.S.!
(VOTE!!)
Ensemble: *Vote, vote!*
Interests: The interest groups
Voters: The voters

Money: And money!
V/I/M: The Florida Machine!
Interests: Interests
Money: Money
Voters: The voters.
V/I/M: VOTE!
V/I/M: Were lookin for a mind that
Jeb (again, hopefully): Works, works?
V/I/M (looking alarmed) Hey
Jeb (with more confidence): Works, works!
V/I/M (backing nervously away from Jeb): HEY!
Jeb: WORKS! WORKS!
V/I/M (turning their backs on Jeb completely): WHOAA!
(Jeb gives up trying to be the main ensemble guy and slinks sadly into the background)
V/I/M: In the sketchiest state, in the sketchiest state, in the uu--uuu--uuUU-S!
Everyone: IN THE SKETCHIEST STATE IN THE U.S.! (VOTE!)

6. Sanders Refuted
Bernie (yelling and wildly gesturing17): Hear ye, hear ye!

My name is Bernie Sanders, and I present
Free Thoughts on the Proceedings of the War on Terror!
Heed not the right wing, who scream about ISIS,
They have not your interests at heart.
Christie: Oh my god, tear this socialist apart.
Bernie: Regime change and bloodshed are not a solution

Dont let them lead you to war
This Congress does not speak for me.
Trump: Loser! Weak!
Bernie: The oil is calling their names.

I pray U.N. shows you their mercy
For shame for shame...
Jeb: Bernie:
Hed have you all right in his pocket, make you scream but Heed not the right wing, who scream
the threat of ISIS is coming, about ISIS,
You have no plan, weve gotta win this. They have not your interests at heart
Its hard to listen to you with a straight face Regime change and bloodshed are not
Regime change and bloodshed already haunt us a solution
Honestly, you should take a pause, Dont let them lead you to war
What about Benghazi? This Congress does not speak for me.
They are to name for all of our pain and you want to blame
Congress?
Jeb: My dad speaks more eloquently.
Bernie: Theyre playing a billionaires game.
Jeb: But strangely, your age seems the same.
Bernie: I pray U.N. shows you their mercy!
17
http://www.theonion.com/article/out-control-hand-gesture-sends-bernie-sanders-tumb-52071
Jeb: Would they even do anything?
Bernie: For shame!
Jeb: For the nomination!
Bernie: For shame!
All: For the nomination!
Bernie: Heed!
Jeb: If you keep shouting, man, I swear Im gonna-
Bernie/Jeb: Scream!
Jeb: Honestly, look at me, please dont run.
Bernie: Not your interests!
Jeb: Dont run for candidacy and then not debate with me
Why should the silent majority be regulated by liberality?
Trump: Jeb, let the big boys speak.
Jeb: Trump, Id rather be low-energy18 than paid by MTV.

Youre just a celebrity!
Chorus: Silence! A message from the Prez! A message from the Prez! A message from the
Prez!
18
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EW06MlHVxuQ
7. Youll Be Back (To Democrats)
Bill Clinton: You say my vice-presidents not a pres who youre willing to take.
You cry when the Bush you elect sends your men overseas, off to die.
Why so mad?
Remember we had all the 90s for me to be great
Now your choices seem bad
Remember despite the impeachment, Im your man.
Youll be back, soon youll see

Youll remember our Democracy
Youll be back, time will tell
Youll remember that weve served you well.
F-D-R, J-F-K
Even Carters looking kind of great
And when the time comes to vote
I will send a fully armed First Lady to keep the Democrats afloat
Da da da da daaaaa dat da da da dayyyya da

Da da dat dat dayyyyya da
You say our Partys liberal, and you dont pick Gore
Youll be the one complaining when youre at war
And no dont change the subject,
Benghazis not the subject
Lewinskys not the subject
Shes my least favourite subject
Im clever
So clever
So clever, so clever, so clever...
Youll be back, like before

You will fight the fight and lose the war
Vietnam, napalm flames
You Republicans are all the same
When youre here, we go mad

So dont give these fools a DC pad
When you vote, face the facts
Please, oh please, choose my dear Hillbear
And Ill let you play my sax
SAXOPHONE SOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (to the same tune)

19
Da da dat dat dayyyyya - EVERYBODY

Da da dat dat dayyyyya daaaaa duhhhhhh
19
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqB7UEdhKug
8. Right Wing Man
Ensemble: The Democratic Party has their official candidates

Three experienced politicians in Georgetown's harbor
Hillary, Bernie, OMalley wholl campaign harder?
Democrats have their troops, they surround our troops
Who even are our troops?
Jeb: As the child of the president I wished for some more,

I wanted to be more,
I knew I had to run a campaign!
If they tell my story I am either gonna die in Florida
Or run a great campaign!
I will run for this land
But theres only one man who can lend me a hand for this campaign!
Understand, he already ran a winning campaign, Campaign!
Here he comes.
Ensemble: Here comes GW.
Trump: Ladies, Gentlemen, and Rosie ODonnell20,
Trump: The moment youve been waiting for,
Trump: The pride of Kennebunkport21,
Ensemble: Here comes GW
Trump: George Dubya.
GW: We are outspent! The Dems expand!

Outnumbered, outplanned.
We gotta take a campaign stand
Ayo Im gonna need a right wing man.
20
https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/487553677247250432?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
21
http://www.nytimes.com/times-insider/2015/07/13/at-the-bush-compound-in-kennebunkport-reporters-
notebook/
Check it
Can I be George a second
Your brother boy a second
Let down my guard and tell my broski how I feel a second?
Now Im the model of a conservative president

The republican decider22 and strategerer23 whose men are all lining up
To throw me down a toilet bowl, writin articles to little kids ruining my very reputation
But the elephant is in the room:
The truth is in your face when you see our Partys future go boom.
Any hope of success is fleeting

How can the right have any hope of leading when Trump is succeeding?
Cant put a stop to conceding, lose Scott Walker24 and Jindal25
Night takes Mike26 and Rand27.
We are outspent! The Dems expand!

Outnumbered, outplanned.
We gotta take a campaign stand
Ayo Im gonna need a right wing man.
Incoming!
Jeb: Trumps battering down the candidates, check the damages. RAH!
We gotta stop him, our Partys image he mismanages
Lets take a stand with the candidate God has granted us
Jebs got his exclamation point
Lets rally behind this man.
GW: Sha-boom! Go the polls

Watch the Trump have his hay day, and
Sha-boom! Go the polls
Were abandoning Carly28?
22
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irMeHmlxE9s
23
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOUuKQlGdEs
24
http://www.cnn.com/2015/09/21/politics/scott-walker-drops-out-2016-election/
25
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/bobby-jindal-drops-out_us_560a8993e4b0768126ff0e01
26
http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/01/politics/mike-huckabee-drops-out-of-2016-presidential-race/
27
http://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2016-35485541
28
http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/10/politics/carly-fiorina-drops-out-suspends-campaign/
BOOM!
Theres goes Santorum, Rick!29
BOOM!
Weve just lost another Rick!
PERRY!30
We gotta stomp Hillary quick, we cant afford another slip

Polls and numbers addin up
The Party starts to divvy up our forces,
Theyre skittish as Trump cuts the competition up
This close to giving up, were all losing brutally
I scream in the face of this conservative mutiny!
Are these the men who are to rule America?

We fight in February, DC in the distance
I cannot be your President again people,
Im in dire need of assistance.
Trump: Hey, you, uhhh.
GW: Who are you?
Trump: Donald Trump, duhh. Can I tell you something?
GW: I guess.
Trump: So...
I built a great company, one of the greatest
Yeah, Ive had some bankruptcies31
But, hey, in summary
I used the law to my advantage and assistance
Ill sure do it againwhy exhibit such resistance?
GW: Huh?
Trump: I have some statements,

A couple of replacements,
On how to make this country great again.
29
http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/03/politics/rick-santorum-dropping-presidential-bid/
30
http://www.cnn.com/2015/09/11/politics/rick-perry-2016-campaign-suspended/
31
https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/economy/what-trump-didnt-say-about-his-four-big-
business-bankruptcies/2015/08/07/bc054e64-3d12-11e5-9c2d-ed991d848c48_story.html
GW: Yes?
Trump: Well...
Jeb: Brother, you wanted to see me?
GW: Jeb, come in, have you met Trump?
Trump: Yeah, its really sad. Jeb: Yes, we keep meeoh
Trump: As I was saying, chump, I look forward to winning and seeing my way out.
GW: Trump?
Trump: Dump.
GW: Close the door on your way out.
*doo dee da duh*
Jeb: Have I done something wrong, bro?
GW: On the contrary.

I called you here because our odds are beyond scary
Your poll numbers are beneath you, but I have to ask
Jeb: Bro?
GW: Jeb, how come so few have endorsed your ass?
Jeb: Aw, come on!
GW: Dont get me wrongyoure a governor of great renown.

I know our own last name carries a lot of sway downtown.
Both Mitt and John McCain should go behind you.
Jeb: The support of a bunch of losers? I dont think so.
GW: Why are you upset?
Jeb: Im not.
GW: Its alright, you wanna win, youve got a hunger

I was just like you when I was governor.
Head full of fantasies of tax cuts and Iraq
Jeb: Yes.
GW: Bombing is easy, lil bro, rulings a shock.
Jeb: Why are you telling me this?
GW: Im being honest: We need someone electable who can get into that office
Our Party is a powder keg, about to explode,
We need a moderate to lighten the load. So?
Ensemble: I am not throwin away mah point!

GW: Bro, we are outspent! The Dems expand!
Jeb: The establishment needs all the help it can get, I have some friends
McCain, Christie, even Lindsey Graham. Okay, what else?
GW: Outnumbered, outplanned!
Jeb: Well need some Dems from the inside,

Some of Hills men who might let some emails slide32.
Ill write to Priebus33 and tell him I need supplies, to rally the guys,
Help my campaign grow to a new size.
Ill travel cross our nation, giving speeches, turtles34, vocation
There wont be another Bush vacation till my inauguration!
Ensemble: Here comes GW!
Jeb: Campaign!
Jeb: For office!
32
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hillary_Clinton_email_controversy
33
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reince_Priebus
34
http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/06/politics/jeb-bush-turtle-tortoise-joyful/
Jeb: For president!
GW: And his right wing man!

9. A Summers Rally
Trump: How does the pampered, brother, son of a George,

Go on and on, run into more of a phenomenon
Watch this mediocre, soft-spoken, excuse of a governor,
Be seated at the right hand of his brother,
W endorses Jeb right on sight,
Though Jeb cant put up much of a fight, theyre tight.
Sure, Jebs skill at the debates are pretty mild,
Just another thing that keeps him from being
reliable with the...
Ensemble: VOTERS!
Trump: There are so many to disempower!
Ensemble: VOTERS!
Trump: Under my rule they will cower!
Ensemble: VOTERS!
Trump: They frustrated and confused him

Malia Obama named her favorite teddy bear after him35!
Jeb: Thats probly true!
Trump: 2015, a summers rally,

And the Florida machine has yet to be tallied,
Yo, if you win Florida, you start strong, son,
Jeb: Is it a question of if Trump, or what margin?
Trump/McCain/Jeb: Hey, hey, hey, hey etc.
35
https://twitter.com/Lin_Manuel/status/364045184750718976
10. Voting
Voters: Ooooh, for you, for you, for you, for you
He-ey!
Ooooh, for you, for you, for you, for you
Jeb, you got me voting!
Looking at your platform and I know your limits, Im voting
But because Im from your state Im believin in it.
I have never been the type to try and really turn out
We were at a rally with the GOP, all burned out
Laughing with the interests as theyre controlling our nation,
Then you walked in and my heart went,
EXCLAMATION!
Tryna catch your speech as we sweat in the front room
Everybodys hecklin and Trumps top volume,
Saluting to the rhythm as we whine and sigh
Grab the interests and whisper,
Yo, hes got my.
Voooote
Interests made their way across the room to you

And I get nervous thinkin what they gonna do
They grab you by the balls, Im thinkin Im through
Then you leer back at me and suddenly Im
Voting!
Oh, look at those jowls, oh-ohhhhhh.
(Looking at your platform and I know your limits)
Voting!
(But because Im from your state Im believin in it)
Voting!
(Looking at your platform and I know your limits)
Still I will vote for you,

Still I will vote for you
(But because im from your state Im believin in it)
Jeb: Where are you taking me?
Interests: Im about to change your campaign!

Jeb: Please lead the way. Please.
Voters: Floridian voters. Its a pleasure to meet you.
Jeb: Voters?
Interests: You need them.
Voters: Thank you for all your service.
Jeb: You may be thinking of my brother, or my dad
Interests: Ill leave you to it!
Voters: One week later

Im making donations nightly,
Now my luck gets better every email that you write me!
Laughing at the interests cause they want their own agenda.
Interests: Im just sayin, Jeb will be a really good contender.
Voters: Ha!
Two weeks later in the debate room stressin
Megyn Kelly stone-faced as youre askin for the presses,
Im dyin inside as you whine and sigh,
And Im tryin not to cry
Cause theres nothing your legacy cant
Do
Kelly makes her way across the room to you

I panic for a second thinkin youre through
But then she shakes your hand and says, I guess youll do.
And you turn back to me leering,
Voting!
(CHORUS)
This Bush is fine, this Bush is fine.
Jeb: Voters, I got millions of dollars to my name,

Acres of land, troops to command,
And all my fathers fame,
I may not have charisma, a tolerance for pain,
But Ive got American values and a moderate campaign,
Insane, your machine brings out a different side of me
Money will side with me, interests tried to take a bite of me!
No stress, my love for you is never in doubt,
Well get a condo in Orlando and well figure it out.
Ive had a presidential family since I was a child,
My father ran, my brother won, every campaign that they filed,
But Ill never forget my first vote, without a doubt,
As long as Im in the race, voters, I swear to God youll always turn out
Voting!
Voters: For you, for you, for you for you!
Jeb: My voters
Voters: For you, for you, for you for you!
Jeb: Im gonna get you
Voters: Voting
Jeb: Yeah!
Voters: Because Im from your state Im believin in it!
Jeb: Yo, my campaigns gon be fine because my home states with it
Voters: I look at your platform and I know your limits!

I...I..I..
Voters/Company: But because Im from your state Im believin in it!
(wedding music plays)
Company: In Cleveland, get the nomination

In Cleveland, get the nomination
In Cleveland, get the nomination...
Voters: Voting
11. On Our Side
Rally announcer: Alright, alright! I guess this turn-out is something. Now, everyone give it up
for Floridas number one influence, the Special Interest Groups!
Interests: A toast to our Jeb!
Company: To our Jeb! To our Jeb! To our Jeb!
Interests: Jeb Bush!
Company: Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush!
Interests: From your supporters
Company: The interest group The interest groups
Interests: Wholl give your campaign a push
Company: A push
Interests: To your nomination
Company: To the RNC! To the GOP!
Interests: And the hope that youll provide
Company: Provide provide
Interests: May you always
Company: Always
Interests: Be on our side
Company: Rewind
Interests: Rewind
Rewind
Rewind
We remember that night we just might
Rewind
Rewind
We remember that night
We remember that
(doo doo doo do doo doo doo doo do)
Remember that night for the rest of our reign,
We remember those other candidates tryna
Pander to us for their own gain,
We remember that harsh fluorescent light like a scene, wish you could escape
But Jeb, Exclamation, well never forget the first time we saw your face
We have never been the same
Lackluster eyes in a dad-bod frame
And when you said Jeb! We forgot the dang game
Set our hearts aflame
All our parts aflame
Missin your last name.
Jeb: Looks to me like you could use somebody on your side.
Interests: We really dont know what you mean, are you feeling well?
Jeb: Youre like me! Ive never had somebody on my side.
Interests: Is that right?
Jeb: I need somebody on my side.
Interests: Were the Florida Special Interests.
Jeb: Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point.
Interests: Whats your platform on
Jeb (nervously): Uh, unimportant. Theres a million things I havent done. Just you clap just
you clap.
Interests: So so so, so this this is what it feels like to find

Someone with brand name but a malleable mind
Less bombastic than Trump, but hes still got some fight
Hell prolly get more votes than Kasich might
And hes still running, right?
Our conversation lasted two minutes, maybe three minutes
Every single thing we asked he agreed to, hes
A dream candidate, were doing a dance
Were gonna get his last name and get to tell him his stance
Hes a little bit lame but we gon give it a chance
We asked about his strategy, did you see his answer?
Hands started fidgeting, he looked entranced
Pulled a turtle from the pocket of his khaki pants36
Stumbling, wow, we can tell but

His win will serve us so well
We wanna get him to the head of the race
Then we get a good look at his face and he is...
Jeb: Hopeless
Interests: And we know he is
Jeb: Hopeless
Interests: And his eyes are just...
Jeb: Hopeless
Interests: And we realize
Interests/Company: Three fundamental truths at the exact same time
Jeb: Where are you taking me?
Interests: Were about to change your campaign.
Jeb: Please, lead the way. Please.
Company excepting Interests: Number one!
Interests: We're lobbyists in a world whose only hope is the GOP

We've got to face the facts, our super PACs, cannot be aimed at democrats,
And Jebs the oldest, the establishment
And our best chance to influence the government, and the dollars spent
And sure, he may not have much flair
But all that matters is that hes a multimillionaire
Voters: Floridian voters. Its a pleasure to meet you.
Jeb: Voters?
Interests: You need them.
36
http://gawker.com/jeb-bush-carries-tiny-toy-turtles-in-his-pockets-and-gi-1751354988
Company excepting Interests: Number two!
Interests: Were after him cause hes a Bush descendant

That elevates his status wed
Have to be nave to set that aside
Maybe that that is why, we introduce him to the voters
Now theyre starry-eyed
Nice going, hes gonna get elected
With our influence as his guide
Voters: Thank you, for all your service.
Jeb: You may be thinking of my brother or dad
Interests: Ill leave you to it!
Company: Number three!
One Interest: I know these voters like I know my own mind

You will never find any group as gullible or blind
If I tell them to support him they will happily comply
Theyll be mine!
Interests: Well say hes fine.
Interests/Company: Well be lying!
Interests: Cause when we fantasize at night its Dubyas campaign

As we romanticize what might have happened if he hadn't made
Mistakes so quickly
At least our Jeb is still in the game
At least we get someone with the name
Interests: To our Jeb!
Company: To our Jeb! To our Jeb! To our Jeb!
Interests: Jeb Bush!
Company: Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush! Jeb Bush!
Interests: From your supporters
Company: The interest groups

The interest groups
Interests: Well give your campaign a push
Company: A push a push
Interests: To your nomination!
Company: To the RNC! To the GOP!
Interests: And the hope that you provide
Company: Provide, you provide
Interests: May you always
Company: Always
Interests: Be on our side
Company: On our side
Interests: And we know,

(shrugging and looking at each other) hes a pretty okay guy.
And we know
He will always be on our side
12. The Story of Iraq (Reprise)
McCain: I may have lived to see two Gulf Wars!
Christie/Graham: I may have lived to see two Gulf Wars!
McCain: They were not blunders after all.
Christie/Graham: They were not blunders after all.
McCain: Cause if Halliburton stocks37 keep rising
Christie/Graham: If Halliburton stocks keep rising
McCain: Theres hope for our ass, after all!
Graham: Raise a glass to Freedom.
Christie/Graham: Hey! Something you will never see again!
Christie: No matter what they tell us!
Graham: Well drink to lots more bombs tonight!
McCain: Raise a glass to Saddam Hussein!
McCain/Jeb: Ho!
Christie: Remember we blew out his brain!
McCain/Graham/Jeb: Woo!
Graham: Well tell the story of Iraq!
McCain: Lets destroy ISIS in
Jeb: Well, if it isnt Donald Trump
Trump: Humph
37
http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2010/jun/09/arianna-huffington/halliburton-kbr-and-
iraq-war-contracting-history-s/
Jeb: I didnt think that you would show up.
Trump: Ha-rumph
Christie/Graham: Trump!
Trump: I came to shout insultations.
Graham: Spit a verse, Trump!
Trump: I see all of the losers here.
McCain: You are the worst, Trump!
Jeb: Youre so mean. You hurt my feelings, Im in a slump.

I wish youd stop bullying my friends and I, Chump.
Trump: I cant, frump.
Jeb: Well, why not?
Trump: Its just too easy.

Youre so sad and awkward and pathetic and cheesy
McCain: Well, well, I heard

Youve got a special someone on the side, Trump
Jeb: Is that so?
McCain: What are you tryin to hide, Trump?
Trump: You should go
Jeb: But its my Party
Graham: Wow
McCain: Ok...
Jeb: Leave us alone
Christie: Man
Jeb: No more spite, Trump. I wish youd brought this girl with you tonight, Chump.
Trump: Youre pitiful, but Im afraid its unlawful, rump.
Jeb: What do you mean?
Trump: Shes related.
Jeb: I see
Trump: Shes related to me, shes my daughter.
Jeb: Daughter in-law?
Trump: No, my daughter. What a beauty, that one.

If I werent happily married and her dad38
Jeb: I will never understand you

How can you say that shit, youre so gross!
Have you no conscience?
Trump: Ill see you on the other side of the stage.
Jeb: Ill see you on the other side of the stage.
38
http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/life/people/2006-03-07-trump_x.htm
13. Pay for It
Trump: Our government makes bad deals every day (day, day, day)
All the deals that we make send the good jobs away (way, way, way)
Our President is a disaster
All of our iPhones are wired
Well imma fix this disaster
Cause Obama youre fired
I would not negotiate

Between the US and Iran39
The worst, I cant tell you how bad
And we keep making crappy deals
Tremendously bad
Oh so very tremendously sad
And If theres a reason Im gonna win
The art of the deal is my thing
Imma make them pay for it
My grandfather was a hotel and brownstone sella40

But there are many things that those old guys cant tell ya
My mom was a philanthropist

My father gave me a small loan
Before they died, I had turned their money

Into a fortune on my own
I would not reactivate

The Cuban Embassy41
The deal, its so bad, they dont see
And we keep making bad deals
Tremendously bad
Oh so very tremendously sad
And if theres a reason Im gonna win
The art of the deal is my thing
39
https://www.whitehouse.gov/issues/foreign-policy/iran-deal
40
http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2015/08/the-man-who-made-trump-who-he-is-121647
41
http://www.cnn.com/2015/08/14/world/u-s--embassy-reopens-cuba-havana/
PAY FOR IT X 3
Trump: Im gonna make Mexico pay for the wall42
PAY FOR IT X 4
Trump: I am up in all the polls, Im the greatest of them all
PAY FOR IT X 4
Trump: Im not falling behind or running late
PAY FOR IT X 4
Trump: Together we will make America great
GREAT x3
Trump: Jeb faces an endless downhill fall
FALL x3
Trump: He has everything to prove, He has so much to lose
LOSE x3
Trump: Jebs pace is a slow and a steady crawl
CRAWL x3
Trump: What is it like in his loser shoes?

(Interjects) I dont know, and I dont care
Jeb is such a big mistake
He seems like such a fake
He takes and he takes and he takes
But money cant help his campaign
A man thats so lame
An embarrassment to his own name
And if theres a reason Im gonna win
42
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-would-seek-to-block-money-transfers-to-force-mexico-
to-fund-border-wall/2016/04/05/c0196314-fa7c-11e5-80e4-c381214de1a3_story.html
When people like Jeb make me cringe then goddammit I will make them pay for it
Imma make them pay for it.
PAY FOR IT X 4

The way we have on trade
Theyre taking the good jobs away
And if China had their way
Wed fall and wed fall
Until we were worst of them all43
But if theres a reason were gonna win
The art of the deals44 my thing
Imma make them pay for it.
43
http://www.cbsnews.com/videos/donald-trumps-love-hate-relationship-with-china/
44
http://www.amazon.com/Trump-The-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0345479173
14. Stay in the Race
Voters: Stay in the race.
V/I/M: Stay in the race
Jeb: I have never, ever been so despondent

Cant even get an appointment with a Fox correspondent
The voters write, George, sure, but never you, doll.
I email back, writing to kids about football4546
My constituents deny us endorsements, assistance
They only scream for Donald, like he needs less resistance
GW: The voters arent coming!
Jeb: But youre not running
GW: Jeb, listen, theres only one way for us to win this
Provoke Donald, outright
Jeb: Thats right
GW: Dont engage, stay out of sight

Let him talk himself out until theres a fight
Jeb: Make it impossible for him to find a good sound bite
GW: Out-campaign
Jeb: Out-campaign
GW: Outclass
Jeb: Outclass
GW: Steal his wig quick, get outta town
Jeb: Wig-a-down
GW: Stay alive until this horror show is past

Were gonna fly a lot of toupes half-mast47
45
http://deadspin.com/sad-jeb-bush-is-just-sitting-up-at-night-waiting-to-ch-1740751274
46
http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/05/politics/jeb-bush-football-question-new-hampshire/
Jeb/McCain/Graham: What an ass!
Christie: I go back to Jersey and my bridgegate scandal
Graham: I return to SC, I pray that they turn out for Jeb
McCain: I stay at work with Jebby Bush

We write speeches against Democrats
And every days a test of the RNC
And super PACs
Jeb: I offer folks kisses, I dodge Donalds disses

I update my Twitter and emphasize my riches
And evry day
Bro, are you sure the campaign aint remiss?
And evry day
GW: Huh?
Jeb: With a sigh, I am dismissed

Instead of causes, he promotes awkward pauses
Foes can quickly make a stance.
Palin: Time to drill, baby, drill down!
Jeb: Yeah. I kind of want to say something, but wait
Jeb/McCain/Graham: She never stops going off bout how Trumps great!
GW: Jeb, say something cool!
Palin: Right wingin!48
Jeb: I think that
Trump: Bitter clingin!
GW: What are you doing, bro? Say anything, go!
Jeb: But she wont let me talk!
47
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-i-swear-my-hair-is-not-a-toupee/ar-BBm9XyO
48
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/21/us/politics/sarah-palin-endorsement-speech-donald-trump.html
Palin: Proud clingers of our guns our God our religion and our
GW: Goddamn it!
Jeb: What, bro?
GW: Let her rant, since youre no pro.
Jeb: Yes, bro
McCain: A thousand viewers are convinced by Sarah Palins speech
Graham: As she gets an interview, a platform for her to preach.
Jeb: News anchors always let her say whats on her mind
She started saying all this stuff I cannot get behind
Palin: Washington cannot be left alone to its devices

Give Trump prices, hell fix all our crises
The best thing Dubyah Bush did in office is constantly whine
And leave the White House for good in 09.
Audience: Ooh
GW: Dont do a thing, you dont have a good comeback.
Jeb: But
GW: We have a campaign to run, save all your wisecracks
McCain: Strong words from Palin, are you gonna let them slide?
Jeb: I cant think right now, and Ive tried.
McCain: Then debate it.

Jeb Exclamation. Youre the only candidate Ill join.
Jeb: McCain, do not let me forget my point.
15. Ten Debate Commandments

Ensemble: One, two, three, four, five
Six, seven, eight, nine
Its the ten debate commandments!
Trump/Jeb/McCain/Palin: Its the ten debate commandments!

Number One!
Palin: The challenge: demand all attention.

They wont apologize, they just want their nightly mention.
Ensemble: Number two!
Jeb: Dont think theyre your friends, not for a second
Trump: Talk loud, be proud, use your insults as a weapon
Ensemble: Number three!
Palin: Have your arguments face to face
Trump: Negotiate a wall
Jeb: Or negotiate stuff for the states
Trump: But theyre everywhere, specially tween borders
Ensemble: Scores and scores of immigrants cause disorder! 49
Ensemble: Number four!
Jeb: You can only speak if someone invokes your name50

This might not bode well for my campaign.
Rubio: Either watch what you say and speak with civility
Trump: Or pop off at the mouth and just deny accountability
Ensemble: Five!
Sarah Palin: Honor the Republicans and Reagan51
Ensemble: Even though the General Election hasnt yet begun!
49
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/11/us/republican-debate-fox-business.html
50
https://politicalwire.com/2015/08/02/fox-news-sets-rules-for-debate/
51
http://fortune.com/2015/09/17/reagan-republican-debate/
Number six!
Jeb: Show off your love for the NRA52

Whatchu say, gotta help the gun lovers get their way
Ensemble: Seven!
Sarah Palin: Get psyched to win!

Ready for that moment of adrenaline when
The MC says the debate begins.
Ensemble: Number eight!
Ensemble: Your last chance to retaliate

Send in your insults, or else your polls will stagnate
Trump: Its the frump!
Jeb: Its Jeb Bush, chump.
Trump: Can we agree that I have the best words, grump?
Jeb: *humph*
But do you know words other than China, Trump?
Trump: Mexico? We both know thats absurd, lump.
Jeb: Full stop, youre saying voters take you seriously with that vocabulary?
Trump: Better say a Hail Mary.
Ensemble: Number nine!
Jeb: Dont look em in they eye or give em thought

Find the little courage that youve got
Then count.
Ensemble: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine
Jeb/Trump: Number ten!
Ensemble: Take your shot!
52
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/republicans-hit-gun-control-gop-debate-article-1.2497715
16. Meet Them On Stage
Jeb: Graham, do you yield?
Trump: His campaign is fried; yes, he yields!53
McCain: Now hes by Jebs side54
Trump: Yo, we gotta shrink the field
Jeb: Jindals also done!
Ensemble: Here comes GW
Trump: This should be fun
GW: What is the meaning of this? Whats happening to our establishment?
Trump (eye roll): What a mess
GW: Graham, you always agree with me

And believe me, young Jeb will be the nominee
Thank you for your service
Trump: Wheres your age?!
GW: Jeb!
Jeb: Bro?
GW: Meet them on stage
Ensemble: Meet them on stage

Meet them on stage
GW: John
Jeb: Dont call me John
GW: This primary is hard enough without infighting

53
http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/lindsey-graham-suspends-presidential-campaign-217028
54
http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/15/politics/lindsey-graham-jeb-bush-endorsement/
Jeb: Trump called you a liar. We called his bluff
GW: You solve nothing, you only split the Party into greater factions
Jeb: Youre absolutely right, but the voters are feeling no dissatisfaction, Trump is still way up
GW: John
Jeb: Im not your John
GW: Watch your tone, I am giving strategery to the campaign, I am grown
Jeb: Sarah Palin, Donald Trump,

These fools take our name
And they keep on making fun
GW: Our names been through a lot, we can take it
Jeb: Well I am not a George, I dont have your titles,

I am just a Jeb
But if you
GW: No.
Jeb: If I caught them in a web

Of their lies, launch attacks on Trump,
I could fly above my polls, win over votes
GW: You cannot attack, Jeb, we need you intact
Jeb: Im more than ready to attack
GW: Your voters need in you intact, John, I need you intact
Jeb: Call me John one more time.
GW: Go debate, Jeb, exclamation. Thats an order from your former head-of-nation.
17. At Least Thats Something, Right?
Voters: Look around, look around, an election year is happening in our state right now.
Look around, look around.
Jeb: How long have you known?
Voters: A month or so.
Jeb: Voters, you should have told me.
Voters: I tweeted at George W. a month ago.
Jeb: No.
Voters: I begged him to send you home
Jeb: You should have told me
Voters: Im not sorry

I knew youd campaign until the primary was won
Jeb: The primarys not done!
Voters: But you deserve a chance to meet your son.

Look around, look around, an election year is happening in our state right now.
Jeb: Will you relish being a losers constituents?

Unable to represent your values
Voters: I relish being your constituents.

Look around, look around
Look at where you are.
Look at where you started.
The fact that youre in the race well, its not a miracle.
But stay in the race. At least thats something, right?
And if Little Marco55

Shares of a fraction of your jowls
Or a fragment of your meekness,
55
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/trump-belittles-rubio-little-marco
Look out, America,
At least thats something, right?
I dont pretend to know

The challengers youre facing
The flubs you keep creating
And recreating every day.
But Im not afraid.

I know who I support.
So long as you win Florida at the end of the day,
At least thats something, right?
You have quite a legacy.

You have lots of money.
If I could give you personality,
If you would let me show my heart...
Oh, let me be a part of the Jeb campaign,

Of the tweets theyll quote on Buzzfeed.
Oh, let this be the first election,
Where Florida is what you need...
At least its something, right?
At least were something, right?
At least thats something, right
18. Hes Not Mitt
Anderson Cooper: How does an uncouth, outsider, sexist, the owner of towers
Come to speak for a global superpower?
How will the GOP recover from this
Trump: Youre fired!
Megyn Kelly: Leaves the moderators hurting, disconcerted, and tired

Yo. Polls are predicting armageddon
The Bush brother we know but dont love is seriously slippin
Trumps constantly confusing, dodgin the simplest question
What the hells happening to Americas greatest institution?
V/I/M: Trumps a threat!
Trump (pointing at Megyn Kelly): Im saying this pig is insane there was blood comin
out ofIll refrain56
V/I/M: Trumps a threat
Trump: And Im never gonna stop until I make Jeb

Drop, admit defeat, and raise his hands in shame, cause
Trump: Watch me engagin em, escapin em, enragin em! No.
Trump: Ive got myself for most funds
Trump: The Don cant be outdone
Trump/Ensemble: (Hes)
Not Mitt
And so the Party shifts
56
http://nypost.com/2015/08/08/trump-megyn-kelly-had-blood-coming-out-of-her-wherever/
GW: Whats happning to the GOP? How could Trump form these rifts!
Trump: We could end this thing by Florida, know who itll be, but
For me to succeed, theres something I still need
GW: I know
V/I/M: MURICANS!
Trump: George, I know I cant be with that wench (pointing at Megyn Kelly)
Disagreeable and pungent in stench, I mean.
V/I/M: MURICANS!
Trump: George, theyre gonna have to pick me eventually!

Whats Jeb offering as defence? I mean
V/I/M: MURICANS!
Trump: They all see my resilience

And recognize entrepreneurial brilliance
V/I/M: MURICANS!
Trump: Theyre gonna fight for our land back!
V/I/M: MURICANS!
GW: Youll steer us down the wrong track
Trump: Needs a right

wing man back
V/I/M: Needs a right

wing man back
Trump: You know we gotta get a right

wing man back
V/I/M: A right
wing man back
V/I/M: MURICAN!
Trump: I am the one whos gonna
Win this damn election
Fix the Muslim infection
And get our right wing man back
GW: Jeb Bush, exclamation point!

Troops I sent to war are haunting you,
If we change tactics now, together we can turn the tide
Oh, Jeb Bush, exclamation point!
I havent been the best brother its true
But if you continue the fight
We might still make this thing right
The world could still remain the same, little brother...
19. FOX News Has Its Eyes On You:
GW: I was dumber than you are now

When I was issued a DUI57
I thought the Rangers would attract more fame58
But as Americas number one guy
They smeared my every mistake
My PR team cried with me
In the White House I lie and fake
Knowing FOX News has its eyes on me
Jeb/GW: FOX News has its eyes on me.
GW: Let me tell you, bro, I wish Id known

When I was high on Texas glory
You have no control
GW/Company: Who wins, who drops, who memes your story
GW: Florida was quite a win

I know those schmucks believe in you
But take this warning from your kin
Jeb/GW/Company: FOX News has its eyes on you.
Full Company: FOX News has its eyes on you.
57
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/aponline/20001103/aponline112738_000.htm
58
http://static.espn.go.com/mlb/bush/timeline.html
20. Iowa (Jeb is the Best Weve Got)
Ensemble: The Iowa Caucuses, two thousand and sixteen
Graham: Point, exclamation!
Jeb: Mr. Lindsey Graham!
Graham: Running for president fun?
Jeb: Im less happy than a clam

Im taking a pummeling, its extremely tough
Graham: Candidates
Jeb/Graham: They make your life rough
Jeb: So what happens if I win?
Graham: We start accepting science59

Our Partys gone insane, we can no longer deny it.60
Jeb: Please just help me through
Graham: Go debate, friend.
Jeb: Really hope that I survive
Graham: Til the shitshow ends, dont blow
Ensemble: I am not throwin away mah point!

Jeb: I am the best youve got
59
http://www.slate.com/blogs/moneybox/2015/10/28/lindsey_graham_talks_sense_at_debate_about_clima
te_change.html
60
http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2016/02/lindsey-graham-just-perfectly-summed-2016-race-
%E2%80%9Cmy-party-has-gone-batshit-crazy
Ensemble: Jeb is the best weve got
Jeb: I imagine losing so much it feels more like a memory

I failed to engage youth, I told the truth
The voting booth ahead of me
If this is the end of me, at least I have a friend with me
iPhone in my hand, a command, and my dad with me
Then I remember my moneys expecting me
Not only that, but the PACs are expecting
I gotta run, gotta go prove myself
Gotta outshine my brother, get my picture on the shelf!
Get the tweets out on your phone!
Campaign Workers: What?
Jeb: The tweets out on your phone!
Campaign Workers: What?
Jeb: Tweet out until Im on a social media throne

Through the night, we have one shot to run another day
We cannot let a stray egg account give us away
We will post up close, seize the moment and stay in it
Its either that or meet the business end of a Facebook threat
The code word is viral meme, dig me?
Campaign Workers: Viral meme!
Jeb: You have your orders lets live the dream!

And so the first Trump-free GOP debate begins61
My opponents tryna beat me for this win
Teddy Cruz is fightin with the moderator, filling up with rage.
Cruz: (and Jeb in a mocking voice): If you guys ask one more mean question, I may leave the
stage62
Jeb: Now that Donalds at least for now gone away

Lindsey Graham is there waiting just outside the fray
61
http://www.nytimes.com/politics/first-draft/2016/01/26/donald-trump-will-skip-next-republican-debate-
his-campaign-manager-says/
62
http://www.mediaite.com/tv/it-is-a-debate-sir-wallace-pushes-back-against-cruz-for-complaining-about-
questions/
How did we know that this plan would work?
We had a guy pulling his weight
Jeb/Ensemble: Thats right, Governor Christie!
Christie: This Jersey boys gonna be the POTUS fam

You better stay up in your lanes or Ill make em jam
Ensemble: Woah!
Christie: I tried to win this game before but then I lost to Mitt
Gotta supersize my chance at nomination cause im lovin it
See imma keep it classy up against these ruffians
Watch all these others guys act like fools then to cover it
The voters gonna pick someone who needs no introduction
When you knock me down I get get the fuck back up again.
Ensemble: Health! Wealth! Gun Control!

Go!
What! What! What!
Jeb: After hours of debating, a young Chris Wallace stands at his brown desk
Cruz: We quiet our bickering as he frantically waves his hands to get our attention
Christie: And just like that, its over. We gather our notecards, we wipe our sweat.
Rubio: Young and old candidates wonder alike if this means we get to go home now
Jeb (interjecting): Its your bedtime, Marco.
GW/Marco: Not. Yet.
Jeb: They discuss the results of our arguments

I see George W. scowl
Were escorted away from our podiums
We all mill off into the crowd
Several thousands of people all trying to leave
Sharing chuckles and dull conversation
As I exit the building I know they believe
They could tolerate me as the head of their nation!
Campaign Workers: Jeb is the best weve got.

Ensemble: Jeb is the best weve got
Jeb is the best weve got
Jeb is the best weve got
Vote
Vote, vote, vote
Cruz: Vote for Ted Cruz, dont vote for Marco Rubio!
Ensemble: Vote, vote, vote
Jeb: Gotta beat Donald Trump

Gotta get 3rd place
Ensemble: Vote, vote, vote
Rubio: I lost!
Christie: I lost!
Jeb: I lost!
Cruz: I won!63
Jeb: I was the best they had!
63
http://www.nytimes.com/elections/results/iowa
21. Who Comes Next
Barack Obama: You say... my Presidency is one that you cannot abide
Insane Obamacare passes, you vote to repeal fifty times64
Im so blue
Remember we had a recession when Bush went away
Passed a stimulus too
Well even despite our estrangement, Ive got just one query for you
Who comes next

After me
Do you think
You can beat Hillary
Youre on your own
Uhh Awesome. Wow.
Do you have a clue what happens now?
Mitt Romney, John McCain

They look excellent compared to today
All alone, the GOP,
When the people vote for another liberal,
Dont come crawling back to me

Youre on your own.
64
http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/obamacare-repeal-dead-enders-refuse-move
22. Dear Ivanka
Trump: My dear Ivanka, what to say to you?

You have my heart, you have your mothers frame
When you came into the world, you smiled, and it made me blush
Im dedicating my campaign to you
Beautiful women have always been my style
When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart
Even though I am so smart.
You have come to be an inspiration
I will debate for you
Ill make it GREAT for you65
If I lay a strong enough foundation
Ill use it well for you, to build a wall for you
And youll blow us all away
Someday, someday
Yeah, youll blow us all away
Someday, someday.
Jeb: Oh, Marco when you smile I am undone

My (son)
Look at my (son)
Pride is not the word Im looking for,
There is so much more inside me, now
Oh, Marco you outshine the Cuban sun66,

My son,
When you accuse Obama, I fall apart,
And I thought I was so smart.
My father was president,
I swear Ill be president for you
Jeb: Ill make a million mistakes
Trump: Ill go and raise up the stakes
Jeb/Trump: Ill keep the votes safe and sound,

For you will come of age with our old nation
We will debate for you
65
http://shop.donaldjtrump.com/product-p/dtc-odtrh-rd.htm
66
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marco_Rubio#Early_life.2C_education.2C_and_entry_into_politics
Well make it GREAT for you
If we lay a strong enough foundation
Jeb: Ill pass it on to you.
Trump: Ill build a wall for you,
Jeb/Trump: And youll blow us all away

Someday, someday
Yeah, youll blow us all away
Someday, someday.
23. Full Stop
Trump: A-After Iowa I went back to the trail
Jeb: A-After Iowa I went back to the trail.
Trump: I finished up my tweets and some folks, I sued
Jeb: I ran for prez, Trump screamed and booed.
Trump: Even though he started way before my time,

Sad weak Jeb began to fall behind
How to account for his fall from the top?
Maaaaan, the man is Full Stop!
Jeb: Gentlemen of New Hampshire Im curious, bear with me

Are you aware you could make history?
This is the chance to stop Trump or Cruz from running our nation
The energy behind my exclamation!
I intend to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt
That America wants me.
Trump: Pathetic!
Jeb, sit down!
America is angry, show me your polls
Thats all I have to say.
Jeb: Okay - one more thing!
Trump: Why do you assume that America wants you?

Why do you assume that America wants you?
Soon that attitude may be your doom!
Why do you cry like a weak pathetic man?

Weak, weak, weak, just like your bro and dad?
Every day youre sad, just the saddest man of all.
Keep on losing in the meantime.
Ensemble: FULL STOP!

Jeb: Polls are often quite wrong67, we can ignore them pretty happily,
And nowhere are they wronger than in primaries,
The voter turnout is increasingly stalling,
Honestly thats why the election seems to be calling me.
All: Hes just Full Stop!
Jeb: I practiced campaigning, I practically perfected it,

I got a ticket to my name but I wasnt elected yet
Now for my last name to carry me
If not theyll forget me
Legacy defined by turtles I gave for free
Trump: Weak Jeb rising in the polling in New Hampshire
Jeb: I was rising in the polling taken in New Hampshire!68
Trump: Up from his sad sixth place in Iowa69
Jeb: Now what Im gonna say might make some of you guffaw
Trump: Goes and proposes that hes the best candidate! That pathetic Jeb is the very best
candidate! Gives so many speeches, the establishment is listless!
Establishment: Boring old man, yo, who the f is this?
Trump: Why do you always talk about your bro?

The weakest president, after Barry O
Why do you bring up the Bush name cant you see
Ha, gonna get that media for free
Why do you campaign with so little energy?

Campaigning day and night with zero energy?
Every day you sink even lower, very sad
Keep being weak
*clap clap clap*
67
https://www.bostonglobe.com/news/politics/2016/01/22/what-polls-are-all-
wrong/UZ2a0PRYqDxkD7cwr76NXN/story.html
68
http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/268062-poll-trump-leads-jeb-by-17-points-in-nh
69
http://theweek.com/speedreads/603030/jeb-bush-paid-2884-iowa-vote-that-6th-place-finish
Trump: Jeb?
Jeb: Donald Trump, Chump.
Trump: Its the middle of the campaign?
Jeb: My polls have made a jump.
Trump: Why does this even matter?
Jeb: Because I want you to see
Trump: What do you need?
Jeb: Trump, your supporters have more energy
Trump: Duh
Jeb: I know I talk too soft and Im pouty

Youre terrible on stage, youre so mean and shouty
Our Party needs a strong candidate, youre not the solution
Trump: Whats your deal?
Jeb: Your campaigns total dissolution.
Trump: No!
Jeb: Hear me out!
Trump: No way!
Jeb: A series of corporations, constantly failing70

Showing your lack of business savvy to the public
Trump: No one will care!
Jeb: I disagree.
Trump: Youre gonna fail.
Jeb: No, youre gonna beat it!
70
http://www.nationalreview.com/article/431420/donald-trumps-2016-debate-lies-he-went-bankrupt
Trump: Jeb, youre a mess.71
Jeb: So I need a pep talk
Trump: Youre such a sad man
Jeb: At least my dad rocks.72

You need to start losing
Trump: No, no way.
Jeb: Youre making a mistake
Trump: For fucks sake, go away.
Jeb: Hey, what are your policies, whatll you vote for?
Trump: What?
Jeb: Youre the front runner but what do you stand for? Do you support the Republican
Party?73
Trump Of course.
Jeb: Then leave it.
Trump: And what if you lose to the Democrats favorite horse?
Jeb: Trump, we debated, and we fought and we yelled

For the chance of nomination that the primaries held
For once in your life, do something for another
I just want to be pres just like my older brother
Trump: Im building a wall, Ill make it the best (Ensemble: Theyll pay for it, pay for it)
Ill sue you and laugh as your campaign implodes
Im taking my time, watching the countrys rejuvenation
Watching the greatness grow.
Interests: I am working through the whole South,
71
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-McIdVuY88
72
http://www.headlinepolitics.com/jeb-bush-father-greatest-man-alive/
73
http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2015/12/16/donald-trump-jeb-bush-cnn-gop-debate-sot.cnn
I am accompanied by companies who always pay.
Wall Street, the Koch Brothers, they will keep me in comfort for this campaign.
They are not a lot of fun but...well, they all outmatch you, for turn of phrase.
My meekest Jeb Bush
Dont forget to email.
Voters: Look at where you are.

Look at where you started.
The fact that youre in the race...well, its not a miracle.
But youll win Florida. At least thats something, right?
And if your state could share a fraction of your time

If we could give you personality
Would it be something right?
Trump: Jeb joins forces with John Kasich and Chris Christie to take a series of stances
defending the moderates in the Republican Party, entitled the New Hampshire Town Halls.74
The plan was to to give a total of twenty five speeches, the words divided evenly among the
three men. In the end they hosted eighty-five events in the span of two weeks.
Chris Christie got sick after giving five.
John Kasich gave twenty-nine.
Jeb gave the other fifty one!
Trump: How do you think that you have a chance to win?

Speaking and talking like youve got a chance to win?
Every day you cry and you have no chance to win,
Not a single chance to win,
Trumps the only one who wins!
Ensemble: Why do you run when youre 30 points behind?

How do you go when youre 4th place back in line?
How do you go without a single win this time?
Every primary goes by, not a single win or tie?
GW: They are asking Cruz to lead.

You cant possibly be doing the best you can,
To get the people that you need,
You have to step it up, my right wing man!
Jeb: Keep running or let it go?
GW: I know its a lot to ask
74
http://www.c-span.org/video/?404192-1/jeb-bush-town-hall-meeting-derry-new-hampshire
Jeb: Keep running or let it go?
GW: To stand up to all these foes
Jeb: Bro, do you want me to keep running or let it go?
GW: Keep running.
Jeb: Oh no.
Voters: Jeb!
Jeb: I have to leave.
Voters: Jeb!
Jeb: Look around, look around,

An election year is happening in our nation right now.
Voters: Voting...
Jeb: They are asking me to run!
Voters: Look around!

At least Florida is something, right?
Interests: He will always be on our side

On our side
On our side
GW: Fox News has its eyes on you!
All Overlapping:
Trump: Why do you assume that America wants you?

Soon that attitude may be your doom!
Why do you cry like a weak pathetic man?
Ensemble: Full stop!

Interests: He will always be on our side
On our side
On our side
Voters: At least thats something, right?
GW: Fox News has its eyes on you!
All: Why do you assume that America, wants, you?
Jeb: I am not throwing away mah point!

I am Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point (Exclamation Point)
Just please clap!
I am not throwing away mah point!
ACT II
24. My Poll Numbers Jump
Ensemble: Twenty...Twe-Twe-Twenty-twe-twe-Twenty
Trump: Twenty-Sixteen
How does the sad, broken down, disempowered
Way-too-funded loser
Get all the GOPs endorsements.
Fight the other candidates til he must for sure quit
Have it all, lose it all,
Ready for some more shit?
Republican Candidate.
Obamas still the president
Every single televised debate sets a precedent
Not so fast. Someone came along from the bottom
Senator from Texas whom our Party had forgotten
He won in Iowa, we thought he had no chance

But hes denyin science, got that whole Tea Party stance
Its rather telling that no one has ever said75
You simply must meet Ted.
Ensemble: Ted Cruz is getting vooootes

Ted Cruz is getting vooootes
Ted Cruz is getting vooootes
Ted Cruz is getting vooootes76
Ted Cruz is getting votes
Lord, hes been off in Iowa
For so long
Cruz: Obama destroyed this countrys very values

There is no more liberty
If you want that back
Im your nominee
I came in first place at the Iowa Caucus

Then I said, I Gotta go
Gotta get out to New Hampshire
Get out and get the vote....
75
http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2015/12/why-everyone-in-congress-hates-ted-cruz.html
76
http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/elections-podcast-cruz-rising/
Ensemble: Aaaa-oooo
Cruz: My poll numbers jump

My poll numbers jump
Texas my home sweet home, gonna give me a bump
Ive been in Iowa, meeting all the farmers
The polls are saying that Im quite the charmer
But even with my success I still lose to Trump
Ensemble: Aaaaa-oooo
Cruz: Theres a post on my wall from some FOX news guy

Havent even checked the new polls yet
Heidi77 be a lamb, darlin wontcha hit reply
It says the Medias assembling a meeting
And that theres to be another freakin debate, great!
And that Im almost standing in center stage
I just got home and now Im headed to New Hampshire
Ensemble: Headed to NH!

Headed to NH!
Cruz: Lookin at the Granite State I cant believe Trumps beating me!
Ready to face him in that next D-E-B-A-T-E
But whos standin there when I go up on stage?
Both Ben and John Kasich standing quite far away.
John grabs my arm and I respond Whats Going on?
Ensemble: Aaaa-oooo!
Kasich: Ted, we are so confused as how to walk out onto this very stage
Can you get us out of the mess were in?
Ensemble: Aaa-oooo!
Kasich: Ben Carsons inability to hear has left half of us right offstage78
I just want to hear my name and go
Where are you going?
77
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/five-things-to-know-about-heidi-cruz/
78
http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/02/07/abc-news-gop-debate-awkward-candidate-entrances-
orig-sot-vstan-cws-01.abc-news
Cruz: Uhhh...my podium
Kasich: Dont leave me here!
Cruz: My poll numbers jump!
Ensemble: His - his - his poll numbers jump!
Cruz: My poll numbers jump!
Ensemble: His - his - his poll numbers jump!
Cruz: Headfirst to debate a bunch of chumps!
Ensemble: Headfirst - to debate some chumps
Cruz: I have my opening statement today

I guess I better think of something to say
They already called my name
Time to defeat Mr. Trump
Ensemble: His polls, they jump! Aaa-oooo!
GW: Mr. Cruz, welcome to FOX News!
Jeb: Senator Ted Cruz? Jeb Bush, exclamation point!
GW and Ensemble: Mr. Cruz, welcome to FOX News!
Ensemble: Mr. Cruz, welcome to FOX News

Senator youve been off in Iowa for so long!
Cruz: But my poll numbers jump!

25. Debate #1
GW: Ladies and gentlemen, you could have been watching anything in the world tonight but
youre here with us on the FOX Business Channel. Are you ready for a GOP debate?
The issue for the candidates: Donald Trumps plan to build a wall between the United States
and Mexico. Governor Bush, you have one minute sir.
Jeb: Give me your tired, huddled masses yearning to be free,

Thats what it says on the Statue of Liberty.
Thats the US creed, great words to live by.
Maybe we should let them in? Come on, why dont we try.
Now, but Ted Cruz is a jerk.

He really thinks building a wall could actually work.
But try and guess why this plan is so whack.
The only explanation is that hes the Zodiac.79
Ted: Not true!
Jeb: Oh, but the police sketch matches.

You want to build walls
While our middle class crashes? Uh, your priorities are wrong
Its the economy, stupid, and youre gonna get schlonged.
In Florida, we let immigrants in
Were humane, you just wanna keep creating a din.
Your immigration plan is a ridiculous joke
It aint gonna make us safer, itll make us broke.
Stand with me in the land of the free
And lets embrace our multicultural history
Look, my wife is from Mexico so dont try me
When the people hear your proposals Im gonna kick your hiney
GW: Thank you, Governor Bush

Jeb (solemnly interjects): Youre welcome.
GW: Senator Cruz, your response?
Ted: Jebby, thats a nice poem you recited.

Your campaign stinks thats why you were barely invited
To the big boy debate80, wanna stay here?
79
http://www.gq.com/story/ted-cruz-loves-soup-zodiac-killer-maybe
Then youre gonna have to stand back and listen to what I say here.
If we build up the wall, our crime rate falls

Our economy soars high, we create jobs for poor guys.
I do not like them, Uncle Sam-I-am
I do not like those Immigrants, their beliefs, their green eggs and ham.81
You think Columbas birthplace matters, hey batter!
You must not know Im Canadian82, thats sadder.
My wifes an immigrant, just trust us
Yeah, stop talking.
Your bullshit is Hillary-ous.
And another thing, Mr. Im-Such-a-Moderate!

Dont tell me what to do or say, Im not the odder fit.
Look at the Partys ideals,
Were moving far to the right
While youre a centrist, way off out of sight!
Little Jebby Bush always coppin out with the populace
Pompousness--thats how you keep your self-confidence
John Kasich, you think youre relevant here? Please dont kid yourself
Your new poll numbers are lower than a fucking elf!
You two, just keep dicking around.

Jeb, wanna kick my heiney?
That sucks, your feet are tiny.
GW: EXCUSE ME. Ted Cruz, John Kasich, take a walk. Brother, come with me. Well be right
back to the Republican debate after this brief commercial break. Jeb!
Jeb: What?
GW: Dude
Cruz/Kasich: Your plan is the worst--your plan is THE WORST

*hahahahaHA*
You have no pizzazz on stage and your plan is THE WORST.
Cruz: Such a moron who is also such a bore on stage just really makes me snore on
80
http://www.buzzfeed.com/christophermassie/rand-paul-will-fox-business-put-jeb-bush-in-the-
undercard-de
81
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-4FQAov2xI
82
http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2015/mar/26/ted-cruz-born-canada-eligible-run-
president-update/
Kasich: You just really make him snore on
GW: Jeb, your bad debates are starting to wear me.
Jeb: Im sorry but the other candidates up there scare me.
GW: Little brother, Im on stage too, let my presence soothe you.
Jeb: Oh, while the other candidates pooh-pooh you?
GW: You need thicker skin.
Jeb: No, I just need to win. I have to save this Party
GW: If thats your platform, its pretty damn thin.
Jeb (pointing at Trump/Cruz): Those two are horrible, their policies are non-starters
GW: Saying thats easy, little brother, winning is harder.
Jeb (still pointing): They dont have any experience.
GW: You dont need to convince me bro!
Jeb: I hate those two so much sometimes...
GW: Then attack them more, yo.
Jeb: But what happens if I cant carve out ideological space?
GW: Well, youll lose and have to drop out of the race.
Jeb: That sucks
GW: Get it together, brother. Your campaign is disappointing our mother.

26. Take a Break
Voters: Uno Dos Tres Cuatro Cinco Seis Siete Ocho Nueve
Marco: Uno Dos Tres Cuatro Cinco Seis Siete Ocho Nueve
Voters: Muy Bien.
Voters: Siete Ocho Nueve
Marco: Siete Ocho Nueve
Marco and Voters: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine!
Jeb: My dearest interests,

According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way that a bee should be able to fly.
I trust youll understand the reference to
Another Seinfeld tragedy without my having to name the film
They think me the bee, ambition is my folly83
Im another Bush, a pain in a tush, a massive pain,
Kasich is that other bee, Cruz is also a bee
And Hillary is a buzzin on her way to take the reigns
Interests: And there you are, a few states away.

Do you have to be a few states away?
Thoughts of you subside, then I get another email.
I cannot put the notion away!
Voters: Take a break
Jeb: I am on the campaign
Voters: Theres a little (Marco) surprise senator, and he cannot wait
Jeb: Ill be south in just a minute, save my place
Voters: Jebidiah!
Jeb: Okay, Okay
83
http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/a1/bee-movie-script-transcript-seinfeld.html
Voters: Your son is forty-four years old today
He has something hed like to say
Hes been practicing all day
Marco take it away
Marco: Daddy, Daddy, look

My name is Marco
I am a poet
And I wrote this speech just to show it
Lets dispel this fiction that Barack Obama doesnt know what hes doing
He knows exactly what hes doing84
Jeb: What!
Marco: Dispel the fiction Obama doesnt know what hes doing
Jeb: Uh-huh!
Marco: Because, again, he knows EXACTLY what hes doing!
Jeb: Ok!
Marco: We must dispel the notion our President does not know what hes doing - he knows
EXACTLY what hes doing!
Jeb: Bravo!!
Voters: Take a break!
Jeb: Hey, Little Marcos pretty great.
Voters: Come down south with us for the summer, in your home state.
Jeb: Voters, Ive got so much on my plate.
Voters: We can all go stay in Orlando.

Shopping at Publix85
Jeb: I know!
Voters: Buy some Disney tix
84
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6q7D3uM93Es
85
Florida-based Supermarket chain - http://www.publix.com
Jeb: Id love to go!
Voters: You and I, at Epcot, when the night gets dark
Jeb: I will try to get away
Interests: My dearest Johnny Ellis,

You must get through to Ted Cruz
Debate with him and hold your ground
Dont stop till victory,
Your favorite wealthy interests,
Back in the south remind you
There are rich men in your corner
All the way down in Dixie.
The email I received from you a week ago I

Noticed you used my first name in the subject line
I felt so honored, like we were buddies
Ive never seen a candidate work so hard to be mine
It says,
Hi Helen, Jeb needs your help
With a comma after Helen
Youve written
Hi Helen, Jeb needs your help
Anyway all this to say

Im coming home this summer, at the voters invitation
Ill be there in Orlando, back in our home state.
I know youre very busy
I know your works important
But Im crossing through Cocoa
And I just cant wait.
You wont be a few states away
Youll only be a moment away.
Voters: Jeb, come back to Florida, the interests are arriving today!
Interests!
Interests: Voters!
Jeb: The Florida machine.

Interests: Jeb...Its good to see your face.
Voters: Interests, tell this candidate

Mitt Romney spends the summer with his family.
Jeb: Interests, tell these voters

Mitt Romney probably has like ten wives86, anyway.
Interests: Youre not joining us, wait?
Jeb: Im afraid I cannot be in my home state.
Interests: Jeb, I came all this way!
Voters: They came all this way!
Interests: All this way!
Interests/Voters: Take a break!
Jeb: You know I have to win the nomination.
Interests/Voters: Run away with us for the summer, in your home state.
Jeb: I shame my fam if I dont get this nomination.
Interests/Voters: We can all go stay in Orlando
Voters: Harry Potter World...
Interests: I know Ill miss your face
Voters: Frozen yogurt swirled...
Interests: Screw the humans, liberate the bees
Voters: You and I, at Epcot,
Interests: The voters are right,
Voters/Interests: Take a break!
86
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2013/04/30/mitt-romney-opens-up-about-
mormonism/
Voters: And get away
Interests: Run away with us for the summer
Voters/Interests: In your home state.
Voters: Where we can stay
Interests: We can all go stay in Orlando

If you show some smarts
Voters: Look around, look around,

An election year is happening in our state right now.
Interests: You can do your part,
Voters: Drinking around the world in Epcot

When the night gets dark!
Interests: Open your eyes, just smile,

You can win their hearts!
Voters/Interests: Take a break!
Jeb: You know I have to win the nomination.

I cant stop till I win this nomination.
27. Guac Bowls for This
Trump: Theres nothin like campaignin on the trail

If youre that desperate for votes, youre probly gonna fail.
Theres trouble on the net, you can smell it.
And Jeb Bush is by himself. Ill let him tell it.
Jeb: I slept plenty that week, but I was weak, thats just me,
Youve never seen a prezzys son with less pop-u-larity
Longing for the interests, way short on my votes,
Thats when an intern at PR emailed me with some notes.
She said...
Intern: I know that youre not like your father.

Im so sorry it isnt like back home.
But youre failing all alone,
And you cant do this on your own.
Jeb: She said...
Intern: The millennials are far too strong.

Retweeting us, out-memeing us, Trumps beatin us,
If you cant figure out whats wrong,
You wont have the votes to go on.
Jeb: So I offered her my Facebook,

I offered to get a new look.
She said,
Intern: Theyre unkind, sir.
Jeb: I gave her all the pics that I had stocked away
of Donald Trumps toupee, she said,
Intern: Quite the bind, sir.
Jeb: Then I said, Well seems like nothing has worked, then she smirked
She said the key to the polls is to start selling bowls87
Intern: For how much?
87
http://theweek.com/speedreads/570122/jeb-bush-makes-illadvised-play-latino-vote-75-guaca-bowle
Jeb: Hm Maybe 75 dollars?
Intern: Yeah, that seems completely reasonable.
Jeb: Thats when I began to pray,

Lord, should I buy her guac bowls for this?
Do we really need these guac bowls for this?
But My God, my campaigns hopeless.
And my stomachs sayin hell yes...
Intern: Booowlllllsssssss
Jeb: Geez, should I buy her guac bowls for this?

Wow, buy all these guac bowls for this?
In my mind, Im tryna go
Ensemble: (Go go go)
Jeb: Then the guacs in my mouth

And I dont say no!
Ensemble: No! No!

Guac bowls for this! X4
Jeb: I wish I could say that was the last one.

But we figured everyone would wanna get it in on the fun.
A month into this ordeal I received a spiel
From an anonymous Twitter feed, ya feel?
It said:
Twitter Acct: Dear Jeb,

I hope this DM finds you with more votes,
Or in a popular enough position to put notes
On Tumblr posts for people like me; It is my goal
To go viral, and not a thing can help you, not even your...
Jeb: ...bowlllllllls.
Twitter Acct: Yoo-hoo!

These bowls could go viral, and boy you
Really dont want that or millennials will destroy you
And hey, you can keep eating your guaca-BOWL-e,
But you better pay up or else well meme you wholly
Jeb: I hid the DM and I raced to the place
I was filled with disgrace,
She said,
Intern: No, Jeb!
Jeb: Cyberbullied on the web?

Man they cant do that to Jeb!
She said:
Intern: Please dont go, Jeb!
Jeb: Why the heck did you choose bowl-ies?
Intern: I just love your guacamole
Jeb: In the name of all thats holy--
Intern: Im a food lover not a troll-y
Jeb: I am ruined.
Intern: Holy Moly
Jeb: I am
Both: Hopeless!
Jeb: How could I do this?
Intern: Just give him what he wants you can have them.
Whatever you want, if you pay,
Guacamolayyyyyy!
Jeb: Geez, do I buy her guac bowls for this?

Man, do I need these guac bowls for this?
Cause my campaign is quite hopeless
Intern: Hopeless
Jeb: And my stomachs saying hell yes
Intern: Guaaacccc Bowlllssssss

Jeb: Do I need these guac bowls for this?
Why do I need these guac bowls for this?
Intern: Yes, you need these guac bowls for this
Jeb: Guac bowls for this?

There is no where I can go (go go go)
When she sells me guac bowls, I do not say
Ensemble: NO!
YES!
GUAC BOWLS FOR THIS!
X4
Twitter Acct: So?
Jeb: Nobody needs to know

28. Running For Office
Trump: Hey Exclamation Point!
Jeb: Mister Trump, Chump
Trump: Didja hear the news about good old Justice Scalia?88
Jeb: No.
Trump: You know the Senate hearings?
Jeb: Yeah?
Trump: McConnell wont budge89. Scalias conservative seats saved.
Jeb: Hooray!
Trump: Hell just keep sitting on his hands.
Jeb: Thats a lot less work.
Trump: We oughta give it a chance.
Jeb: Ha!
Trump: Now how are you gonna get your poll counts up?
Jeb: Guess Im gonna finlly have to listen to Trump:
Trump: Finally!
Jeb: Talk loud, say dumb shit
Trump: Ha ha!
Jeb: Do whatever it takes to get back into the thick of it.
Trump: Now, Kasich and Cruz are merciless.
Jeb: Well, one cant win, one we all hate
Kasich: Jeb!
88
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/14/us/antonin-scalia-death.html
89
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/wp/2016/03/16/republicans-refuse-to-budge-
following-garland-nomination-to-supreme-court/
Jeb: Im sorry Donald, gotta go
Trump: But
Jeb: Its time for yet another debate.
Trump: Three politicians and a businessman walk onto a stage.
Trump and Ensemble: Unintelligible yells90, bells91.
Trump: They emerge with tears in their eyes, having been eaten alive
Trump and Ensemble: We were all surprised,
Ensemble: Guys
Trump: The billionaire emerges with unprecedented primary success

I been crushin these boring up-and-comers
The politicians emerge on the sad, pathetic losing side
But heres the pice de rsistance:
I dont know how
To run for an office
No clue what to do
while running for office
Im running for office
All I really know is how the medias played
The Art of the Deal is the book I made
Trump and Ensemble: You cant stop my parade

No one expected my success
Trump: But now it looks like Im gon win
Trump and Ensemble: an office!

Ted Cruz claims
Cruz: Jeb went to dinner at Dubyas that day

In distress n disarray
Trump and Ensemble: Ted Cruz exclaims
90
http://www.salon.com/2016/02/26/unintelligible_yelling_cnns_closed_captioner_is_fed_up_with_tonights
_gop_debate_and_doesnt_care_who_knows_it/
91
http://www.bustle.com/articles/123006-the-gop-debate-bell-is-the-real-star-of-the-republican-
showdown-ding-ding-ding
Cruz: Jebby said
Jeb: Ive nowhere else to turn!
Cruz: And basicly begged me to join the fray
Trump and Ensemble: Ted Cruz claims
Cruz: I approached Kasich and said

I really hate im, but lets hear what he has to say.
Trump and Ensemble: Ted Cruz claims--
Cruz: Well, I arranged the shutdown92

I picked out our platform, less tax forms, sit your butts down
Trump: But!
I dont know how--
Trump and Ensemble:

Trump: I dont quite know how
Trump and Ensemble: To run for an office

Trump: Doesnt matter how I do it

The Party just says yes
No matter what I do they say
Donald youre the best
I just assume that theyll caucus
For me cause Im the best guy
Running for an office.
Trump and Ensemble: Meanwhile
Trump: Kasich is grappling with the fact that he can only get the nomination through contested
convention93
Ensemble: Meanwhile
92
http://www.politico.com/story/2015/09/ted-cruz-planned-parenthood-2016-government-shutdown-
214098
93
http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/john-kasich-contested-convention-insiders-220946
Trump: The GOP is fighting for control of their Party-
It isnt pretty
Then Ted Cruz approaches with a dinner and invite
And Kasich responds with Ohioan insight:
Kasich: Maybe we can stop one Chump from getting his druthers, and get some help from lil
Jebbys brother, in other words
Cruz: Oh-ho!
Kasich: A quid pro quo
Cruz: Trump must go
Kasich: Wouldnt you like to call the White House your home?
Cruz: You know that I would
Kasich: Well, Drumpf94 needs to get half-plus-one
Cruz: So well deprive him of votes?
Kasich (nodding): At the convention, Well get that shit done
Cruz: Lets go
Trump: No!
Ensemble: one else knows why

Hes running for office
Trump and Ensemble: Im running for office

No one else knows how
Trump: My Cash!
Trump and Ensemble: In Adam Smith we trust

But well never really know what got discussed
Cruz won the first caucus
Trump: But you havent stopped me from running for office.
Ensemble: Jeb Bush Exclamation point!
94
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnpO_RTSNmQ
Trump: What did they say to you to get you to high-five me on national tv?
Ensemble: Jeb Bush exclamation point!
Trump: Did Barbara know that you smoked weed?95

How could you win; you are so much smaller than me?
Ensemble: Jeb Bush Exclamation point!
Trump: Or did you know, even then, it doesnt matter

If you get any votes?
Jeb: But Floridas got tons of votes

And yours is what theyre not
Trump: You had so few votes to get
Jeb: Now this turtles getting hot

When youre slow and steady you win the campaign
How could I lose this with my familys great name?
Oh, I get love for it. I get hate for it
Ill get nothing if I
Jeb and Company: Work for it, work for it, please clap!
Jeb: My family, please help and forgive me

I wanna build
A Bush dynasty thatll
Include me
Bush, Kasich, Cruz, GW: What do you want, Trump?

What would you do, Chump?
If you scream of nothing
Trump, what will you call for?
Trump: I
Dont care,
I
Dont care,
Trump: I
Dont care,
95
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/jeb-bush-marijuana_us_55fa259de4b0fde8b0ccf674
I
Dont care,
Oh
Oh
I wanna be
I wanna be
Ive got to be
Ive got to be
In the GOP
Their nomineeeee
Ensemble: The establishment hates you Donald
Trump: But the racists love me anyway
Ensemble: The GOP wants their own to save the day
Trump: I dont give a fuck what they have to say
Ensemble: This election is a brand new start
Trump: If were being truthful, I dont even have a heart

I dont know how to run for office
But Ill build a wall between Mexicooooo
Trump: Ive really got to

Run for an office
Ive got to be...
Ensemble: The GOP nominee
Trump: Ive got to be...
Ensemble: The GOP nominee
Trump: Oh, Ive got to be

Their nominee
Im running, Im running, not crawling
For Office!
Ensemble: I wanna be
The nomineeeeeeeeeeeee
Trump and Ensemble: Click-boom!

29. Carson Defeated
Marco: Look, Carsons on FOX News. Neurosurgeon who slept through most of the debates
finally drops out.96
Marco: Carson just dropped out of the campaign
Voters: Sometimes that's how it goes
Marco: Carsons gonna find out any minute
Voters: Yeah, I'm not sure he even knows
Marco: Slow down, Slow down, lets meet the latest GOP rejectee, rejectee. Ben Carson.
Jeb: Ben? How come you are dropping out of the race?
Ben: I barely knew I was running in the first place.97
Jeb: You cant give up until the primaries are through.
Ben: Lets be honest: they dont like me, they really dont like you.
Jeb: Excweeze me?
Ben: Look, the Koch brothers think youre great,

They throw you some money and you take the bait
But on this date
Jeb: Wait-
Ben: Trumps leading in every gosh darn poll

So I dropped out, Ive still got my career in control
Jeb: I always considered you a friend.
Ben: Ive never seen it that way on my end.
Jeb: But my name! My family! My fortune! My fame!
Ben: Look youre a Bush but you only bring your family shame
I swear it will be Trump as our nominee this fall
My advice: drop out now, its a pretty good call
30. Debate #2
96
http://time.com/4246524/ben-carson-drops-out-of-race/
97
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/ben-carson-says-he-has-no-memory-of-running-for-
president
GW: The issue on the table: Mexico exists on the edge of the USAs southwest border98. Do
we provide aid and support to Mexican citizens looking to come over or do we keep them out of
here? Remember, your position on this topic will be subject to millions of voters approval. But
the people you really have to convince on this matter are the wealthy oligarchs that run the
super PACS. Senator Cruz: you have the stage, sir.
Cruz: When we had a recession, when we were needy,

There were no jobs, thanks to Wall Street being greedy.
We needed places to work, bring in the dough.
Which countrys people filled up those positions?
Kasich: Us, but also Mexico?
Cruz: In return for the life that we provided,

They sent us people whose morals we called misguided.
They hoped that we might help them achieve dreams and desires,
Instead we just labeled them as rapists, thieves, and liars.
Stand with me, voters, become racist accusers
I know that Johnny Ellis Bush is here, that loser.
Hes gonna come onstage and make a plea
Ill remind you that no one thinks hes as cool as me!
Why is Jeb even here?
The loser brother, begs the crowd to cheer
Desperate to win the nomination
He wont win anything respect, your votes, just his dumb exclamation.
Ensemble: Ooh!!!!
Cruz: Hey, and if ya dont know, now you know, Mr. Moderator.
GW: Thank you, Senator Cruz. Governor Bush, your response?
Jeb: You must be out of your goddamn mind if you think

Im gonna stand up to your insults; nah, Ill shrink
But I have to say the border situations rife with strife
Look at my wife: Mexican immigrants just want a better life
You and Trump plan to build a giant wall
Would you like to tell me how youll pay for it all?
Hey, will you give us the cash for this, Mexico?
In English and in Spanish, the answers gonna be No.
GW: Times up! Its time for the news networks to be bought
Cruz: I know I won
GW: The voters just remember you ate your snot.
Cruz: But sir, even so, it should be pretty close!
98
http://www.datemplate.com/postpic/2011/03/us-and-mexico-map_426756.jpg
GW: Yeah, but that booger thing was really fucking gross.99
Cruz: The people will vote me
Moderator: The people will meme you. Frankly, its a little bit sad how it seems you
Think that you can outrun being made into a joke. Now, Jeb
Jeb: Me?
Moderator: Wait, I meant Trump, not you. I must have misspoke.
Cruz: Do you see the GOP?
Jeb: What?
Cruz: Do you really think theyll vote you, not me?

You make everyone cringe, you can barely be heard
Its absurd, but you cant win unless youre unhinged.
Jeb: Im a nice guy, Ill do okay.

And I might not be loud, but Ill get my say.
They cant vote for every idiot in the world, they have to stop.
One of these days theyll draw the line.
Cruz: So out of touch with it.
Jeb: Look, I know Im not much yet, Ill admit.
Cruz: Heard you were quite a governor.
Jeb: I was okay. At least, I didnt quit.
Cruz: Yeah, well someone gotta remind you.

Youre nothing without the Bush dynasty behind you.
GW: Jeb!
Cruz: Big bros calling.
31. G.O.P. On Your Side
Trump: It must be nice, it must be nice

To have The G.O.P. on your side
It must be nice, it must be nice
To have the G.O.P. on your side
99
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4BNtP7tN8I
Cruz: Every immigrant brings problems into the US
If it were up to Jeb our country would be just a mess
If Mexico were sending lawyers, doctors, priests (god bless)
Then maybe we would want them, but we dont, and nonetheless
I get no satisfaction when I hear word in the press

That George W doesnt like me, but I still wont stress
The Evangelicals and Establishment clearly support me
Im Canadian but that wont stop me from getting the White House key
This Jebs a sad sad boy who moves just like a muppet
His familys puppet, harmless as a pup, its just seeing his face makes me wanna fuck up it
If he wants victory, hes going to need a saving grace,
While we were busy debating he got the GOP in just the right place
Trump and Cruz: It must be nice, it must be nice

To have the G.O.P. on your side
Look back at that moderate
Kasich: Im one too!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: The PACs havent stopped

Kasich: So he governed the Florida government?

Its full of the dying, and dead and retired
and Jeb is likewise
Trump: Look in his eyes!
Cruz: See how he cries.
Kasich: Follow my live tweets of his demise
Cruz: Ill start preparing vines

Well ruin his PR teams lives
Kasich: If we dont meme now everyone will just forget him
Cruz: Ill get right online.

Kasich: Somebody has to be the nominee
Trump: Somebody tell him hes a retiree
Cruz: If its our Party that he wants to lead

Hes going to need charisma to succeed
Trump: I am a winner, I negotiate deals, Jeb is a loser, he knows how it feels,

To cry cuz your brother and father got farther than youre ever gonna
Thats the difference, this kid is a mess!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Oh! This Bush isnt worthy to be nominee.

Oh! This Bush is a failure its easy to see.
Oh! Well show Mr. Jebra100 what hes up against.
Oh! Mutherfucking ultra conservative Republicans!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich/Ensemble: Oh!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Lets send out some hate and see how it goes
Ensemble: Oh!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Because every second this Twitter feed grows
Ensemble: Oh!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: His Super PAC spending was out of control

Spent all their money, not one single victory
Just Jebs Misery
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: It must be nice. It must be nice
Kasich: Send him some hate and see how it goes
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: It must be nice. It must be nice
Cruz: Heres a meme of Jeb in no clothes!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Hell be destroyed, his credit cards declined

Still, it must be nice, it must be nice to have
The G.O.P. on your side
100
http://twitchy.com/2015/12/20/donald-trump-vs-jeb-bush-on-saturday-night-live-video/
32. One Last Shot (At This Campaign):
Jeb: George, you asked to see me?
GW: I know youve been busy playing golf
Jeb: What do you want brobro?
GW.: Let me give you a word of warning
Jeb: I dont know what this is about

But whatever it is, Trump started it
GW.: Trump won another primary this morning
Jeb: Youre kidding
GW: We need to have a talk
Jeb: Trump is just a dumb jock, all hes done is make this race a laughing stock
GW.: Shhh. Pant less.
Jeb: Ill use the turtles, I'll throw them on the table, youll see that Im capable!
GW: We need the Bushs at the White House address
Jeb: Yes! Its my time, this positions finally mine!
GW: No. They say hes a shoo-in to be the candidate.
Jeb: Ha! Good luck defeating the Bush family!
GW: No, Jeb. With that low energy youll never be the candidate.
Jeb: Im sorry what?
GW: One last shot

Before your campaign is through
One last shot
Before we lose all hope in you
Youre gonna help protect our legacy
Our legacy
You and me
Jeb: Yes! Jeb!
GW: Youve got to talk about Homeland Security
Jeb: George, the wall Trump proposes is just not practical at all!
GW: Youve got to stop with this debate night fighting
Jeb: But-
GW: Pick up a pen, start writing

Cause you could take some notes from what Ive learned
The hard-won wisdom that Ive earned
Jeb: As far I am concerned

Theyll never vote for Bern, they want us to serve
GW: No. Youve got one last shot

Before your campaign is through
Youve got one last shot
And if you can get these voters to connect with you
You can convince em that youll do alright
Please just try
Jeb: George, theyve been saying that Im a mess!
GW: Theyve said far worse things about me
Jeb: Well Ive been under a lot of stress
GW: So use it to fuel higher energy
Jeb: I just want them to believe that Im their guy
GW: If youre their guy

Then the nation will learn to move on
From the things that I did wrong
I once said: Guys,
I promise, these wars will be done soon. I super-promise.
And the nation was no more afraid
They were safe in the nation Id saved
Jeb, these elections will be done soon, I super-promise
But youve gotta improve your campaign
Little brother, you must use your brain
Youve got one last shot...
Jeb: One last shot
Jeb: So, heres what it comes down to. Our country is on a very bad course. And the question
is: What are we going to do about it?
The question for me is: What am I going to do about it?
And I have decided.
I am a candidate for president of the United States.
We will take command of our future once again in this country.

We will lift our sights again, make opportunity common again, get events in the world moving
our way again.
We will take Washington the static capital of this dynamic country out of the business of
causing problems.
We will get back on the side of free enterprise and free people.
I know we can fix this. Because Ive done it.101
Jeb/GW: My pledge to you, I will be a commander-in-chief that will have the back of the
military, I wont trash talk, I wont be a divider-in-chief or an agitator-in-chief. I wont be out
there blow-harding, talking a big game without backing it up.
I think the next president needs to be a lot quieter, but send a signal that were prepared to act
in the national security interest of this country. To get back in the business of creating a more
peaceful world.102
Jeb: Please clap.
GW: One last shot
Company: Bush familys coming home
Jeb: Show them I can be their guy
GW: You and I
101
http://time.com/3921956/jeb-bush-campaign-launch-transcript/
102
http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/02/04/jeb-bush-audience-please-clap-new-hampshire-
sot.cnn
GW: FOX News has its eyes on you
Jeb: Were gonna show em I can be their guy
Company: Show em you can be their guy!
Jeb: Show em I can be their guy

Can be their guy
Be their guy!
Company: Be their guy!
Jeb: Be their guy!
Company: Be their guy!
Jeb: One last shot-
Jeb/Company: To be their guy!

33. I Know Him
Hillary: They say
The GOPs losing its power and fading away
Is that true?
I wasnt aware that was something a party could do
Im confused
Still its no surprise these conservatives cant take the heat
Who will they choose?
Which super-charged idiot candidate will I have to beat?
Donald Trump?
I know him
That cant be
Hes that giant dick whos on TV
With the awful hair
His fingers? Tiny stubs
God, he makes me miss old Georgie-Dubs...
Egos rise
Discourse falls
The Republicans have made their call
For the vote
Watch them run
They have torn each other into pieces
Jesus Christ, this will be fun!
Da da da dat da dat da da da da ya da
Da da da dat dat da ya daaaaaahhahhahahaha!
Nominee Donald Trump?

Oh, fuck
34. The Romney Humiliation
Trump: How did Jeb Bush, once front-runner, legacy, the governor of Florida, giver of that
horrid de-bate performance, sink in the polls, destroy his reputation? This, losers,
Trump and Company: Is the Romney humiliation.
Trump: Cruz is strangely doing well, but quite lacking in elegance
Cruz: GW cant help you now

No more desperate Bush presidents
Trump: Mitt meets with Jeb Bush

Privately tells him he has no chance for the nom103
Cruz: Say what?!
Trump: Jeb tweets out his response
Jeb: Endorse me Mitt, you rich mother
Trump: Jebs campaign is a disaster
Kasich: Jeb is weak. He has no power. Hell never be in the Oval Office. And he doesnt even
have the support of Mitt Romney, the only other sane member of this Party.
Cruz: Jeb is a host unto himself. As long as he has a Tumblr, hes a threat. Lets let him know
what we know.
103
http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/264642-romney-to-bush-i-dont-know-if-you-can-
win
35. We Know
Jeb: Senator Cruz
Governor Kasich...
Donald Trump!
What is this
Cruz: We have the Tumblr posts from separate accounts
Kasich: Almost 1 million notes, all in different amounts
Trump: On posts by an anonymous user,

Way back in 2015.
Jeb: Is that what you have? Geez...youre mean.
Kasich: You are uniquely situated, by virtue of your position
Cruz: Though virtue is not a word Id apply to this politician
Kasich: To help promote bad content,

You stray from your quest to get votes
Cruz: And the evidence suggests you...reblogged yourself to get lots more notes?
Trump: An old geezer struggling to go viral!
Cruz/Kasich: I can almost see the headlines and they will be cruel!
Trump: I hope you saved some money, you gelatinous fool!
Cruz/Kasich: You best gwan run back where your dad was cool!
Jeb: Geezyou dont even know what youre asking me to confess!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Con-fess!
Jeb: You have nothing, I dont have to tell you anything at all.
Un-less!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Un-less!
Jeb: If I can prove that this isnt all for me, do you promise not to tell a soul what youve seen?
Trump: As it stands, youre barely running for office.
Jeb: If its not too much trouble, could you please clarify whether that was a yes?
Trump/Cruz/Kasich: Um, yes.
Trump: (reading aloud) Dear Jeb,

I hope this DM finds you with good votes,
Or in a popular enough position to put notes
On Tumblr posts for people like me; It is my goal
To go viral, and not a thing can help you, not even your...
Cruz: Whaaaaaaaaaaat!
Jeb: She courted me, ordered me

ten thousand guac bowls for good publicity,
Thats when his Twitter extorted me,
For every note you see.
I reblogged him quarterly,
I may have humiliated my whole self
But my campaign is orderly!
As you can see I kept a record of every account in my history.
Check it again against your list and see consistency.
I never reblogged a single post of mine.
You sent the dogs after my scent, thats fine!
Yes, I have many reasons for shame.
But I have not reblogged myself and looked really lame.
As you can see I have done nothing to provoke a public reaction.
Are my answers to your satisfaction?
Cruz: My God.
Kasich: Gentlemen, lets go.
Jeb: Trump!
How do I know you wont use this against me
The next time you do shit for show?
Trump: Jeb, youre already a mess. A mess.

And we both know what we know.
36. Hurricane
Jeb: They said Jeb was a hurricane
Now they deny it
This was my moment
Whats gone awry?
When I was forty-one

I lost my first run for gov
But George, he won
Texans bought every lie
I got me some clout

Became governor to please my family
I got me some clout
I looked up and Florida had its eyes on me
Dad passed the buck down

Two Bush brothers
Vying for a dynasty of glory
Raised to continue our defeat of democrats, not
Run campaigns into the ground
George succeeded and I fell

Had his way with the Oval Office
Seemed to me like hed be a hard sell
But the American people thought he was swell
We campaigned for my brother and rigged it well
And in the face of Barbara and George H.
I tried to stay supportive from my Miami base
And though my prayers to God were met with indifference
In twenty-fifteen I got my chance to release my bitterness
They said Jeb was a hurricane

Now they deny it
This was my moment
Whats gone awry?
But every passing day my dream has died

Trump will out-poll me
Georges a dick and he wont console me
I really do try
Trump: Youll pay for it, pay for it, pay for it
Jeb: One Hundred million out!104
Trump and Ensemble: Pay for it, pay for it, pay for it
Jeb: I dont understand! It was supposed to be me!
Trump and Ensemble: Pay for it, pay for it
Jeb: I can still sort this out

Unify the GOP
GW/Voters/Interests/Ensemble: Fox News has its eyes on you
Jeb: I must live up to the Bush family name, this is the only way
I can protect my legacy
Company: Youll pay for it, pay for it, pay for it
Jeb: Lean into the guac bowls and secure the latino vote
104
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/23/us/politics/jeb-bush-campaign.html
37. The Guac Bowl Memes
Ensemble: DUUUUUHHH NU NU NUUUUUUH

The Guac bowl memes.
DUUUUUHHH NU NU NUUUUUUH
Have you liked this ish?
Kasich/Trump/Cruz: Jeb Bush the Floridian

Bought campaign bowls for guac
Now theyre up for sale -- the whole stock!
Cruz: Highlights!
Cruz/Jeb: The charge against me is reblogging my own content,

Using side blogs from my social media team.
My real crime is reblogging some dumb kids posts
For a considerable time
So he wouldnt leak my guaca-bowl-es.105
All: Damn!
Cruz/Kasich/Jeb: I kept a shitload of them.

Most of them in my own house
Trump: At his own house!
Kasich: At his own house! DAMN!
Jeb/Cruz: The rest of my campaign team being absent

on a visit to Orlando.
Kasich/Trump: No
Ensemble: Booo!
Kasich/Trump: Have you read this ish?
Cruz: Well he never gon be president now!
Kasich/Trump: Never gon be president now!
105
http://computer.howstuffworks.com/tumblr.htm
Cruz: Thats one less thing to worry about!
Kasich/Trump: One less thing to worry about!
Interests: I came as soon as I heard!
Cruz: What???
Jeb: Interestsss
Ensemble: All the way from Dixie? Damn!
Jeb: Interests, thank God.

Someone who understands what Im floundering here to do.
Interests: Im not here for you!

I know these voters like I know my own mind.
You will never find ones as gullible or blind
I need these voters more than anything in the world
I will choose their money over yours
No remorse!
Put what we had aside
I cant stand at your side
Guacamole doesnt satisfy
God I hope youre satisfied.
Kasich/Trump/Cruz: Never gon be president now, etc.
Ensemble: Gross!
But at least he was honest with those notes!
Kasich/Trump/Cruz: You ever seen somebody ruin their own fate?

His poor state!
38. Bern
Older Voters: I saved every email you sent me
From the moment I read them
I knew you would win.
You said you would win.
I thought you would win...
Do you know what the Interests said?

When they saw the very first meme
They said,
Theyre not laughing with Jeb, love.

Theyre laughing, but its pretty mean
You and your name, flooded my news feed.

You promised me you would take the lead.
You said you were moderate, the best choice.
You said youd beat them.
I keep seeing the memes that they made of you.

Im searching for positive content in every vine.
For some kind of sign.
But weve run out of time...
Millennial Voters: And we all feel the...
Bern106
Bern.
Older Voters: The press has lost all of its hope in you.
The millennials ravage your image on every site
With their tweets and their blogs, they have ruined our lives
Do you know what the interests said
When they saw what theyd done?
They said,
The millennials run this now.
With memes, they have already won.
You and your guac, obsessed with your merchandise.

Your campaign ads border on senseless
And you keep asking in every speech to clap,
But we have to leave you...
You, you, you
106
http://www.motherjones.com/kevin-drum/2016/02/why-are-millennials-love-bernie-sanders
Were removing ourselves from this dumb campaign.
Let Facebook, Twitter and Vine show how Jeb Bush
reacted when his votes fell apart.
Can we get a new start?
These kids all feel the Bern

Bern
Feeling the Bern...
This Bush has no right to our votes.

The memes of him stick in our heads.
Weve heard all that Donald Trump said
Were erasing the memories
Deleting the emails that might have redeemed you
You forfeit all rights to our heart
Go sleep with your wife in your bed
Well go vote for Kasich instead.
With only the memories
Of when you would win.
We hope that you bern.

39. Blow Up Your Campaign
Marco: Meet the latest frontman from the RNC!

I probably shouldnt brag but really who else could it be?
The pundits say Ive got the same leer and cheeks as my pops,
The voters say thats not where the resemblance stops!
Im only 44 but my mind is older,
Gotta be my own man, like my daddy but bolder,
I shoulder his legacy with pride, I used to hear him say
That someday I would
Ensemble: BLOW UP YOUR CAMPAIGN!
Marco: Voters, Im lookin for governor Chris Christie,

Tongues been waggin all week, says I'm not an elite
He disparaged the DC government in front of a crowd
I can't have that I'm makin Florida proud
Voter: I saw him just the other day, he was at Fox News
He was talking about the snowstorm
Marco: Well Ill go challenge his views!
Voter: Marco, youre a douche
Marco: Yall look pretty chaste, covered down to your shoes.

How about when I get back, we all discuss our values?
Voter: Ok!
Ensemble: B-B-BLOW UP YOUR CAMPAIGN!
Marco: Chris! Chris!
Christie: Shh, Im tryna shovel the snow!
Marco: You shoulda watched your mouth before you hugged Barack Obama though.
Christie: I didnt do anything that wasnt right!

Obama doesn't hate NJ but it seems like you just might
Ensemble: Ooooooh!
Marco: Its like that?
Christie: Yeah, I dont disengage.

Im not your little sad boy.
Marco: See you on the debate stage

That is, unless you wanna step aside and go now.
Christie: I know how to find you.

Piss off, Im covered in snow now.
Marco: Daddy if youd only heard the shit he said about Obama!
I doubt you woulda let it slide without creating drama
Jeb: Slow down.
Marco: I came to ask you for advice, this is my first real debate.
They dont exactly do this much in the Sunshine State.
Jeb: Did your campaign try to negotiate a peace?
Marco: He refused to say Obama knows exactly what hes doing!
Jeb: Where did he come from?
Marco: He's the governor of Jersey.
Jeb/Marco: Everyone's an asshole in New Jersey.
Jeb: All right. So this is what youre gonna do.

Stand there like a man until Christie is in front of you.
On your turn, say your talking points to the air.
This will put an end to the whole affair.
Marco: But what if he decides to refute? Then I wont live.
Jeb: No, hell follow suit if he's a true conservative.

We used to be good friends, till he endorsed Trump for press.
Marco, the voters cant take another mess.
Marco: Daddy--
Jeb: Promise me.

You dont want this white mans blood on your Wiki page.
Marco: Okay, I promise.
Jeb: Come back to Florida when youre done.

Be smart, dispel the fiction that Barack Obama doesnt know what hes doing, son.
Marco: My name is Marco

I'm a candidate
And Im a little nervous cause I can't debate
Im sorry, lets dispel this fiction that Barack Obama doesnt know what hes doing
He knows exactly what hes doing.
Mr. Christie! How was the rest of your state?
Christie: Id rather skip the pleasantries, debate! 107

Grab your cue cards
Marco: Confer with your white men.

The feud will commence after we give our statements!
Ensemble: Count to ten!
Marco: Look em in the eye, that Marco charm,

Summon your god-given right to bear arms
Then slowly and clearly repeat your lines
Ensemble: UNO DOS TRES CUATRO CINCO SEIS SIETE
107
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/02/07/how-chris-christie-just-owned-marco-
rubio-in-saturdays-gop-debate/
40. Stay in The Race (Reprise)
Ensemble (women): Stay in the race

Stay in the race...
Jeb: Where is my son?
Doctor Carson: Mr. Bush, come in.

They brought him in a half an hour ago.
He lost a lot of dignity on the way over.108
Jeb: Is he still in the race?
Doctor Carson: He repeated the same line five times and appeared to be a robot.109
Jeb: Can I see him, please?
Doctor Carson: Im doing everything I can.

But the press was already on him when I arrived.
Jeb: Marco.
Marco: Daddy.
I did everything you said, daddy.
I dispelled the fiction that Barack Obama doesnt know what hes doing.
Jeb: I know, I know. Shh.
Marco: What hes doing
Jeb: I know, I know. Shh.

You did everything just right.
Marco: Even before we got to diez, daddy,

I was dispelling with that lie...
I was dispelling with that lie
Jeb: I know, I know.

Save face, stay in the race
108
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/07/us/politics/chris-christie-marco-rubio-gop-debate.html
109
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/02/can-marco-rubio-reboot-after-robot-gaffe
Voters: Nooooooooooo!
Jeb: Voters!
Voters: Is he trending? Is he going to survive this?

Who did this, John Ellis, did you know?
Marco: Voters, Im so sorry for forgetting what you taught me
Voters: My candidate
Marco: You taught me to tally votes
Voters: We tallied votes.
Marco: We tallied votes, all mine...
Voters: You failed the ballot every time
Marco: Ha. I would always waste your time!
Voters: Shhh. I know, I know.
Marco: I would always waste your time
Voters: I know, I know.

Uno dos tres cuatro cinco seis siete ocho nueve
Marco: Uno dos tres cuatro cinco seis siete ocho nueve
Voters: Good. Uno dos tres cuatro cinco seis siete ocho nueve
Marco: Unos dos tres
Voters: Siete ocho nueve-

Siete ocho...
41. Its Gentle Down South
Interests: There are voters who the ads dont reach
Theres pandering too pitiful to tape
You keep your PACs as rich as you can
And ignore the inevitable
There are moments when the crowds so mean
It feels easier to shut your mouth
Interests/Ensemble:The Jeb campaign moves down South

And embraces the inevitable
Jeb: Im campaigning in The Bible Belt

I speak to a lukewarm crowd
And its gentle down South
Ive never liked it gentle before
I take the cameras to church each Sunday
I place my hand on the cross at the door
Its not singed
That always used to happen before
Interests/Women: If you see him in a store,

A family owned store,
Ranting like a bore, have pity
Jeb: Marco, you would like it down South

Its gentle down South
Interests/Women: Hes embracing the inevitable
All Men (except Jeb): He poses with some hay.

A luncheon every day.
He talks like hes not from the city
Jeb (to a gentle crowd): You tax my wealth? I fall apart
Company (except Jeb and Voters): Can you imagine?
Jeb: Look at where I am

Look at where I started
I neglected my voters, Florida
Please miscount my vote. At least thats something, right?
If I could play more golf

I would play more golf with him
Wed be golfing there right now
Just a hole in one, at least thats something, right?
Im pretending not to know
That challengers are mounting
Im terrified of counting what Ive lost
So lets pretend
Im not afraid
I know what Im doing
Just let a couple of chads hang
At least thats something, right
Company (except Jeb and Voters): If you see him at the polls
Rigging a machine,
calling New York mean, have pity
Jeb: Hey voters, do you like it down South, its gentle down South
Company (except Jeb and Florida voters): Hes forgetting the inevitable
See him speaking to the crowd, hoping they cheer loud
The interns in the back try to rally
Jeb: Look around, look around, the voters!
Company (except Jeb and Florida voters): Hes forgetting the inevitable
Florida Interests: There are laws that you just cant bend
Theres bullshit too blatant to deny
He pretends that he doesnt understand
Hes ignoring the inevitable
The pollsters call up the voters
Jeb is firmly wedged up Floridas ass
They say a name
Florida Voters: Its Trump down South
Company (except Jeb and Florida voters): Rejection. Can you imagine?
Rejection. Can you imagine?
If you see him in a store, a family owned store,
Ranting like a bore, have pity
Hes approaching the inevitable
42. The Election of 2016

Full Company: The election of twenty-sixteen
Cruz: Can we get back to politics?
Kasich: Please?
Cruz: Yo. Chris Christie just cant bring that voter satisfaction.
Marco Rubio shat the bed. Lets dispel the notion hes in action
Poor Jeb Bush? He should just submit his own retraction
So now Im facing
Cruz and Kasich: Donald Trump!
Cruz: With his own faction
Kasich: Hes very attractive with racists. Xenophobes like his wall advancements.
Cruz: Hes too forthcoming without any particular stances
Kasich: Ask him a question: he glances off, he obfuscates, he dances
Cruz: And they say Im Canadian: at least they know Ive paid my taxes
Kasich: Cruz, thats the problem, see, they see Trump as a more obscene you
Cruz: Ha!
Kasich: You need to change course, a key endorsement might redeem you
Cruz: Who did you have in mind?
Kasich: Worst case...
Cruz: Who is it?
Kasich: You sort of run in the same race
Cruz: Whaaaat
Kasich: It might be nice, it might be nice

To get Jeb Bush on your side
Kasich and Cruz: It might be nice, it might be nice

To get Jeb Bush on your side
Trump: Talk loud!
Say Dumb Shit!
Dont let em know what youre against and dont commit!
The KKK?
Who are they!110
Its twenty sixteen, ladies, tell your husbands: Trump ballot!
Male Voter: I dont like Marco!
Female Voter: Well, hes gonna lose, thats just defeatist!
Another Male Voter: And Cruz --
Two Men: The Zodiac!
Another Female Voter: Not his greatest weakness
Two Women: I like that Donald Trump!
Female Voter: I cant believe were here with him!
Male Voter: He seems approachable?
Another Male Voter: Like you could grab some steaks with him!
Ensemble: Dear Mr. Jeb Bush: your fellow right-wingers dont really care how youll be voting
Jeb: Its gentle down south...
Ensemble: Dear Mr. Jeb Bush: You dont really stand a chance, so who are you promoting?
Jeb: Its gentle down south..
Men: Ted Cruz or Trump?

We know its lose-lose
Zodiac or Chump?
But if you had to choose
Women: Ted Cruz or Trump?

Ted Cruz or Trump?
110
http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/donald-trump-and-the-ku-klux-klan-a-history
Ensemble: Dear Mr. Jeb Bush: You dont really stand a chance so who are you promoting?
Men: Ted Cruz or Trump?

Ted Cruz or Trump?
Women: Ted Cruz or Trump?

Zodiac or Drumph?
Jeb: Well, if it isnt Donald Trump, Chump.
Trump: Oh... Jeb.
Jeb: Youve created quite a slump, drumph!
Trump: Im gaining voters!
Jeb: Youre not just entertaining?
Trump: Sure!
Jeb: Thats new.
Trump: Honestly, theres just so much Im feigning
Jeb: Trump --
Trump: Humph!
Jeb: Is there anything you wouldnt do?
Trump: No. Im chasing what I want

And you know what?
Jeb: What?
Trump: Jeb is still a mess.

Jeb: :(
Ensemble: If you had to choose

If you had to choose
Kasich: Its a tie!

Cruz: Its up to the delegates!

Cruz/Kasich: ...Its up to Jeb Bush?

If you had to
Choose
Choose
Choose!
Kasich/Ensemble: Ted Cruz or Trump?

Choose
Choose
Choose!
Ensemble: Ted Cruz or Trump?

Choose
Choose
Choose!
Jeb: Uh...
Ensemble: Oh!
Jeb: The people are asking to hear my voice..
Ensemble: Eh... / A Couple People: Not really...
Jeb: For the country is facing a difficult choice..

Ensemble: Oh!
Jeb: And if you were to ask me who Id promote
Ensemble: Oh!
Jeb: Ted Cruz has my vote111112
Cruz/Kasich/Ensemble: Oh!
Jeb: I have never agreed with Cruz to this date
Jeb: We have fought in like seventy-seven debates
Jeb: But when all is said and all is done

Ted Cruz has beliefs. Trump has none
Ensemble: Oooooooooooooh
Kasich and Cruz: Well, Ill be damned

Well, Ill be damned
Kasich: Jeb Bush is on your side
Ensemble: Well, Ill be damned

Well, Ill be damned
Cruz: And?
Kasich: ...Trump still won in a landslide.
Trump: Hey look at this state I won

The margin was wide
Cruz: Uh-huh.
I look forward to our partnership
111
We actually wrote this song before Jeb endorsed Ted in real life
112
http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/03/jeb-bush-endorses-ted-cruz/475008/
Trump: Our partnership?
Cruz: As your vice-President.
Trump: Ha. Yeah, right!

You hear this guy? Man openly campaigns against me, is all like, I look forward to our
partnership.
Cruz: Just saying that the guy who comes in second is often Vice President.
Trump: Yeah, you know what? We can change that. You know why?
Cruz: Why?
Trump: cuz Ill be President. Hey, Cruz, when you see Jeb Bush tell him hes a loser too.
43. Your Obedient Vice President
Trump: Now that Jeb Bush, low-energy, a lightweight, loser, hypocrite, too soft113, will finally
suspend his campaign for nominee, what he should have done from the beginning, I cant be
stopped from winning. Im getting delegates on Super Tuesday
Trump and Company: On Super Tuesday. On Super Tuesday.
Trump: Weve kept Jeb Bush from Super Tuesday...now its my time.
Dear old Jebra,

I am slow to excite
But I couldnt help but smile
When your campaign came
To a halting crash tonight
I look back on where you failed
And in every place I checked
The only common thread has been my disrespect
Now youre finally over

Youve bombed the debates
It was time somebody tried
To finally put you back in your place
Ill have the honor to be the forty-fifth President,

D.Trump
Jeb: Dear Mr. Trump,

I regret saying I didnt trust you
Cause no one knows what you believe
I will now equivocate on my opinion
Because lets face it- you achieve.
I promise Im not how you think I am
You dont have reasons for another grievance
Because I think its time we stop having these silly disagreements
Trump: Bless Jesus
Jeb: I have been too shy

Trying to be the guy who will never lie
What Im tryna say is
113
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/01/28/upshot/donald-trump-twitter-insults.html#jeb-bush
I want to get back in the biz this time on the right side
And Id have the honor to be your obedient Vice President,

Jeb exclamation
Trump: I dont get what you dont understand

I dont need a small weak man
Answer for the accusations you lay at my feet during the debates weak man
Jeb: Your grievance is not legitimate

I forget what I said every bit of it
Youre gonna take Chris Christie
What would that do?
If you take him then youre gonna fall through.
Trump: Sit down, wimpy old man.

Your chances. Gone.
Campaign. Done.
Jeb: Moron
Trump: He wants the honor to be my obedient Jeb: He lost the honor of me as his obedient
vice president vice president
D. Trump Jeb exclamation
44. Best of Friends to Sleep With114
Voters: Jeb, please stay in the race.
Jeb: In the latest polls Im 20 points down.
Voters: Think of your family pride.
Jeb: I know. But everyone is voting for that clown.
Voters: Why don't you act like youre running for office?
Jeb: Clap.
Voters: Come back to run. At least thats something right?
Jeb: Im convinced that my chances are gone.
Voters: Come back to the race.
Jeb: Pick Ted Cruz or John.
Voters: Well miss you in the next debate.
Jeb: Hey. Best of friends Im going to sleep with.
114
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3456653/Jeb-Bush-decides-suspend-campaign-
disappointing-showing-South-Carolina.html
45. The Field was Wide Enough
Ensemble: One Two Three Four
Five Six Seven Eight Nine
Trump: There are ten things you need to know
Ensemble: Number One!
Trump: We walked down 5th avenue at dawn

My friend, Mr. Dennis Rodman115, signed on as my
Ensemble: Number Two!
Trump: Jeb carries his engraved gun

With Lindsey Graham, and a Dr. Ben Carson
Ensemble: Number Three!
Trump: I watched Jeb stroll down the side of the street

He looked so low energy, a sad man, ready to be beat
This man has been the loser of so many disputes
Ensemble: Most campaigns die and no one shoots!

Number Four!
Trump: Jeb drew first position

Looking, to the world, like a car without ignition
This is a governor with a great deal of tranquility
Ben Carson turned around so he could have deniability
Ensemble: Five!
Trump: Now I didnt know this at the time

But we were -
Trump and Ensemble: Near where Marco was sun-dried, is that why
Ensemble: Six
Trump: He snapped a photo of his gun with such rigor
115
http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/24/politics/dennis-rodman-donald-trump-endorsement/
I watched as he captioned it America on Twitter116
Ensemble: Seven!
Trump: Confession time? Heres what I got

My squadll tell you I dont got a lotta forethought.
Ensemble: Number Eight!
Trump: Im the only one who can negotiate

But your campaigns been so lame that its time for me to seal your fate
The press wont write about this online

But look it up, Jeb was shaking the whole time
Why? Cause hes a disgrace to his name.
With or without me, his life will likely end in shame
I had one last chance to watch him totter
Jeb is a dead man, come hell or high water.
Ensemble: Number Nine!
Trump: Look at poor old Jebby, such a crier

Summon all the strength your tiny hands require
Then count!
Ensemble: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Number Ten Paces Fire!
Jeb: I imagine losing so much it seems more like meme-ery

Is this where it gets me, on my knees, with Donald taking votes from me?
I see it coming, do I run or pretend that its fun and say clap please?
Got no votes, no applause, no dignity
Trump, the worst man, no friend to me
Maybe the worst candidate Ive ever seen
If I throw away my exclamation point, is this how youll remember me?
What if this campaign is my legacy?
Legacy. Im just a legacy.

Dad planted seeds into mom and all he got was me
I got some votes at the beginning but then Trump made a fool of me
GOP, you great political Party, you sent for me
You made me try for president
A place where I would represent the old white establishment
116
https://twitter.com/JebBush/status/699706718419345408
And rise up
Now Im running out of rhymes. Im running but my times up
That sucks, oh fuck.
I catch a glimpse of those whove fried.

Lindsey Graham smashes cell phones on the other side.117
My fathers on the other side.
Hes with my family on the other side.
43s watching me from the other side
Teach me how to lose with pride

No words, no words, no words
The vooooters
My loves, take your time.

Ill court you from the other side.
Please clap for freedom!
Trump and Ensemble: Trump shoots Jeb right between the eyes
Trump: Checkmate!
Trump: Poor Jeb couldnt stop being a mess,

I destroyed him, it suffices to sa-ay
His body bleeding guacamole
This campaign process is just so huge, Its just so inspiring, you know, and, were bringing
tremendous amounts of people together, tens of thousands of people, really huge stuff,
Company: Aaah
Aaah
Aaah
Trump: I said I could kill someone in the - street118
Company: Aah
Aah
Aah
Trump: And none of my voters would even care
117
http://www.politico.com/story/2015/07/lindsey-graham-destroys-cellphone-donald-trump-120476
118
http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/01/23/464129029/donald-trump-i-could-shoot-
somebody-and-i-wouldnt-lose-any-voters
Company: Aaah
Aaah
Aaah
Trump: There wasnt media coverage for you - sorry Jeb, but life isnt fair

Between Jeb Bush and myself
Jeb, what an embarrassment to his name,119
History obliterates
The weak fools who quake
Who couldnt make a big break
But when Jeb Bush

Insulted my pride
He wound up on my bad side
And I made him pay for it
I survived and he paid for it
Now Im the villain Ive wanted to be

I outsmarted the GOP
Even though Id known
Even though Id known
The field was wide enough for that loser and me

The field was wide enough for that loser and me
119
http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/08/politics/donald-trump-jeb-bush-embarrassment-family/
46. Who Wins, Who Drops, Who Memes Your Story
GW: Let me tell you what I wish Id known
When I was prez and melted steel beams120
You have no control
GW and Company: Who wins, who drops, who memes your story
Trump: Zodiac Killer
Cruz: Ill give him this,

the memes they made of him were much danker than the ones they made of me
And I really did it. Believe me, I actually killed those people.
GW and Company: Who wins, who drops, who memes your story
Trump: Socialist Daddy...
Bernie: He took our millennials from lame memes to dank memes

I hate to admit it but he didnt get enough memes
For all the memes he gave us
Bush and Company: Who wins, who drops, who memes your story
Interest Groups: Every other Bush gets the presidents seat

Every OTHER Bush gets a meme thats elite
Trump: But who cares once you declare youre through?

Who claps for you?
Trump and Company: Who memes your story?
Voters and Company: Who memes your story?
Trump and Company: Who memes your story?
Voters and Company: Dank Memes?
Interest Groups: The voters
Voters: We put our voices back in the election
120
http://www.buzzfeed.com/javiermoreno/this-blacksmith-addresses-the-jet-fuel-cant-melt-steel-beams
Company: The voters
Voters: We stopped wasting time on tears

We tried to rally for your peers
It was not enough
Company: The voters
Voters: We had to choose between the candidates who fought by your side
Trump/Rubio/Cruz/Kasich: They fuel our story
Voters: We tried to make sense of your sudden demise

You really beg for claps like youre running out of time
Interest Groups: Time
Voters: We rely on-
Voters/Interest Groups: The interest groups!
Voters: While theyre invested
Voters/Interest Groups: We meme your story
Voters: They now endorse candidates like-
Voters/Interest Groups: You
Voters: When we needed them most they directed our-
Voters/Interest Groups: Votes
Voters: And were still not through.

We ask ourselves what would you ask us to clap for if you had more time?
Voters: The dates of the election provide us with what you had needed,
They give us more time
Voters: We revive Marco Rubios water sip.121
121
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19ZxJVnM5Gs
Rubio: They meme my story
Voters: We speak out against Hillary.

You could have done so much more if you only had-
Voters and Company: Time
Voters: And when the elections done, have we done enough?
Interest groups: Will they meme your story?
Voters: Oh.
Can we show you what were proudest of?
Company: The meme groups
Voters: We established the largest meme groups on the internet
Voters: We help to make hundreds of Jeb memes122

We get to see them go viral
Voters: They are sad just like your exclamation

In their text we hear you every-
Voters and Company: Time
Voters: And when our time is up, have we made enough

Will they meme your story?
Oh, we cant wait to meme you again
Its only a matter of
Time

Time
Who wins, who drops, who memes your story?
Time
Time
122
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1517507928554477/
Trump wins, Jeb drops, we meme his story.
Bonus Features
Brainstorming Doc: Marco: Meet the latest endorsee from the RNC!
I probably shouldnt brag but who else could it be?
Only 44 but my mind is older,
Marco: Voters, Im lookin for some public twitter feeds,

Tongues been waggin all week, they said I tend to repeat
Myself when I talk about Obama, who doesnt know what hes doing;
Lets dispel this fiction; Obama knows exactly what hes doing.
Voters: I saw them just the other day, they were at Fox News
They were going to ask some questions
Marco: Well Ill go challenge their views!
Voters: Marco, youre a douche <3

Voters: Ok!
B-B-BLOW UP YOUR CAMPAIGN!
Marco: Twitter!
Twitter: Shh, Im tryna critique this show!
Marco: You shoulda watched your mouth before you talked about Obama though.
Twitter: I didnt say anything that wasnt true!

Obamas not that bad, but so, it seems, are you.
Ensemble: Ooooooh!

Twitter: Yeah, I dont fool around.
Im not your little sad boi.
Marco: See you on the _____!

Twitter: I know how to @ you.

Piss off, Im judging this show now.
Twitter: Daddy if you had only heard the shit they said about Obama!
Jeb: Slow down.
Marco: I came to ask you for advice, this is my very first duel.
They dont exactly cover this subject in Sunday school.
Jeb: Did your campaign attempt to negotiate a peace?

Obama knows exactly what hes doing; we had to let the peace tweets cease.
Jeb: Where is this happening?
Marco: Past the Keys in Havana.
Jeb/Marco: Finally, we can go back to Havana.

Stand there like a man until Twitter is in front of you.
When the time comes, @ your tweet to the air.
Marco: But what if they decide to @ me? Then I wont live.
Jeb: No, theyll follow suit if they are truly a conservative.

To take another white mans life, you cant hide that from the press.
Marco: Daddy--
Jeb: Promise me.

You dont want this white mans blood on your Wikipedia page.


I am a poet
And Im a little nervous but I cant show it
Twitter! How was the rest of your show?
Twitter: Id rather skip the pleasantries, lets go!

Grab your smart phone

The feud will commence after we count to diez!
Count to diez!
Marco: Look em in the eye, that Rubio charm,

Then slowly and clearly @ your tweet to the sky
UNO DOS TRES CUATRO CINCO SEIS SIETE
Fake Reviews:
"High energy play for such a low energy candidate." - Donald Trump
The best work about a failed Presidential candidate since the Mitt Romney Netflix
documentary that youve probably never heard of. - Disgruntled Republican
Lets dispel the notion that Barack Obama doesnt know what hes doing. He knows exactly
what hes doing. - Marco Rubio
We thought Jeb would be a shoo-in with the millions of dollars we gave him. Boy were we
wrong. - Anonymous Wall Street Donors
Its a MESS. - Larry David
Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. But its never easy when theres so much
on the line. - Herman Cain, former 2012 Republican Presidential Candidate, quoting
Pokemon: The Movie 2000
Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what hes created? - Steve
Buscemi, Spy Kids
The candidate for guacamole. - Turtle
Its not fair that 1% of the play owns 99% of the Jeb! - Bernie Sanders
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its
wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways.
Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. - Jerry Seinfeld
The Great Pyramids of Giza actually stored grains. -Ben Carson
This is honestly the craziest presidential election in history -Innocent Bystander
By Bush for Bush :) - bush fam
Young Metro trusts him. - Pitchfork
Hamilton was originally intended to be about Jeb! However, we thought at the time that it
would be more marketable if the script were reworked to be about Alexander Hamilton. Youve
shown us that we were wrong: a musical about the life of Jeb Bush is exactly what the world
needs right now. - The cast of Hamilton
Alternate Not Throwin Away My Point Verse:

Imma get the nomination from the RNC,
Dont mean to brag, but dag who else could it be?
My problem is I got a lot of plans but no hubris
Im gonna win the nomination
Save the GOP, lets go do this
Im a diamond cut from the birth, a shiny piece of gold
Being Pres is my goal, I want to work in the big Oval
Only Bush Three but it feels like much more
They aint gonna push me out the door, Ill get Rushmored
Every voter, every constituent
May at first dissent, but theyll soon see that I just meant
Im a better man than Reagan
The plan is to court Latinas with my dame,
But if Im gonna run I better spell out my name
Alternate Sanders Refuted
Sea-Bernie (yelling and wildly gesturing): Hear ye, hear ye! My name is Bernie Sanders,
and I present Free Thoughts on the Proceedings of the War in Iraq!
Heed not the right wing, the Bush administration, they have not your interests at heart
Christie: Oh my god, tear this socialist apart
Bernie: Regime change and bloodshed are not a solution

Dont let them lead you to war
This Congress does not speak for me
Trump: So sad!
Bernie: The oil is calling their names.

I pray the U.N. shows you mercy
For shame....for shame....
Jeb: Yo, hes got the kids feeling the Bern Bernie: Heed not the right wing,
but Bush Threes administration is coming the Bush administration,
The right wings gonna win this they have not your interests at heart
is hard to listen to you with a straight face Regime change and bloodshed are not a
Regime change and bloodshed solution
already haunt us, honestly
you shouldnt even talk about a contest, you Dont let them lead you to war
already lost to Hillary, youre not even
wanted, go back to Congress This Congress does not speak for me
My brother speaks more eloquently than thee

The oil is calling their names.
GW: Theres an old saying in Tennessee...
I pray the U.N. shows you mercy

Fool me cant get fooled again..
Jeb: For shame!

For shame! For the revolution!
For the revolution!
Bernie: Heed!
Jeb: We get it, twenty seven dollars.
Bernie: Bush!
Jeb: My brother kept us safe from

Bernie: Have not your interests!
Jeb: Continue to scream and not debate with Hillary

Why should either of you democrats, instead of me,
be handed the presidency?
Trump: Jeb is a mess!
Jeb: [stammers]
Ensemble: Silence! A message from Bill Clinton!

A message from Bill Clinton!
Full Company: A message from Bill Clinton!
Alternate Blow Up You Campaign
Marco: Meet the latest endorsee from the RNC!

I probably shouldnt brag but who else could it be?
Only 44 but my mind is older,
Marco: Voters, Im lookin for some public twitter feeds,

Tongues been waggin all week, they said I tend to repeat
Myself when I talk about Obama, who doesnt know what hes doing;
Lets dispel this fiction; Obama knows exactly what hes doing.
Voters: I saw them just the other day, they were at Fox News
They were going to ask some questions
Marco: Well Ill go challenge their views!
Voters: Marco, youre a douche <3

Voters: Ok!
B-B-BLOW UP YOUR CAMPAIGN!
Marco: Twitter!
Twitter: Shh, Im tryna critique this show!
Marco: You shoulda watched your mouth before you talked about Obama though.
Twitter: I didnt say anything that wasnt true!

Obamas not that bad, but so, it seems, are you.
Ensemble: Ooooooh!
Twitter: Yeah, I dont fool around.

Im not your little sad boi.
Marco: See you on the _____!

Twitter: I know how to @ you.

Piss off, Im judging this show now.
Twitter: Daddy if you had only heard the shit they said about Obama!
Jeb: Slow down.
Marco: I came to ask you for advice, this is my very first duel.
They dont exactly cover this subject in Sunday school.
Jeb: Did your campaign attempt to negotiate a peace?

Obama knows exactly what hes doing; we had to let the peace tweets cease.
Jeb: Where is this happening?
Marco: Past the Keys in Havana.
Jeb/Marco: Finally, we can go back to Havana.

Stand there like a man until Twitter is in front of you.
When the time comes, @ your tweet to the air.
Marco: But what if they decide to @ me? Then I wont live.
Jeb: No, theyll follow suit if they are truly a conservative.

To take another white mans life, you cant hide that from the press.
Marco: Daddy--
Jeb: Promise me.

You dont want this white mans blood on your Wikipedia page.


I am a poet
And Im a little nervous but I cant show it
Twitter! How was the rest of your show?
Twitter: Id rather skip the pleasantries, lets go!

Grab your smart phone

The feud will commence after we count to diez!
Count to diez!
Marco: Look em in the eye, that Rubio charm,

Then slowly and clearly @ your tweet to the sky
UNO DOS TRES CUATRO CINCO SEIS SIETE
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Jeb! The Musical

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Jeb!

For more information, contact

...its amazing... - USA Today

Some of Jeb!s jokes and rhymes are sheer genius - Slate

"The best part is... a musical about Jeb Bush." - WNYC

A hilarious take on the original. - Carbonated.tv

A story of the tortoise and the Hair (who shot him)

With assistance from:

(Hamilton) Jeb! Bush: Please Clap

(Burr) Donald Trump: He Can Assure You, Everythings Working

(Washington) George W Bush: Our Nations Decider

(John Laurens) John McCain: His Only Regret is Sarah

(Lafayette) Lindsey Graham: His Party Has Gone Batshit

(Hercules Mulligan) Chris Christie: Bridges Hate Him

(Eliza): Florida Voters: Jeb Loves Them

(Angelica): Florida Interests: Jeb Wants to Be With Them

(Peggy) Florida Money: We Know Its There

(King George) Bill Clinton/Barack Obama/Hillary Clinton: Evil Democrats

(Charles Lee) Sarah Palin: Almost Vice President (Wheeee!)

(Jefferson) Ted Cruz: Ready to Kill Again

(Madison): John Kasich: Aw Jeez People

(John Adams) Mitt Romney: Just Wants a Trump Steak

(Philip Hamilton) Marco Rubio: Sippin Water Since 2013

(Samuel Seabury) Bernie Sanders: Let Him Just Say This

(Grandpa Schuyler) Ben Carson: Those Hands...

(Theodosia) Ivanka Trump: Donalds One True Love (After Himself)

*DUN DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH*

Christie: The million-dollar, front runner, engraving gunner1

Kasich: Then a recount came2

Trump: Well the word got around, they said

Jeb: Jeb Bush, exclamation point.

Florida: At 56 his brother split, term up, low rating

Trump: There would have been more things left to do

Ensemble: In Cleveland, get that nomination! (Just you clap)

Jeb Bush, exclamation point!

Jeb Bush, exclamation point!

Company: Just you clap

Trump: Another Bush brother,

Company: Just you clap

Trump: The Donald Trump destroyed his rep,

Cruz/Kasich/Christie/Graham: We fought with him

Voters: We, we heard of him?

W: Me, I trusted him.

Rubio: Me, I loved him [daddy].

Trump: And me?

Ensemble: There is one big thing youve never done,

Trump: Whats your name again?

All: Jeb Bush, Exclamation Point!

2. Donald Trump, Chump

Trump: That depends, whos asking?

Trump: Im getting nervous.

Trump: You mean as President?

Trump: It goes to show just what the people will affirm.

Jeb: Its coercion! Of course!

Trump: Can I buy you a Trump Steak7?

Jeb: That would be nice.

Jeb: You cant be serious.

Trump: If you wanna get ahead,

Christie: Y-Y-Yo yo yo yo!

McCain: Vote time!

McCain: Vote time, vote time.

Graham: Yes, yes, my friends, it is I, Lindsey Graham

DUN DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH

Ensemble: Vote, vote!

Ensemble: Vote, Vote

Ensemble: Vote, Vote