HOW TO FIND the

RIGHT PERSON
A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE IN 90 DAYS
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OF M& MILLIO
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BROUGHT TO YOU BY

INSPIRING MORE MARRIAGES

THAN ANY OTHER SITE

BY
DAWN YANEK
INTRODUCTION

T
here is someone wonderful out there right now, just hoping to
find you. Yes, you. We know that may be difficult to believe,
especially if you’ve been searching for a while with little luck or
if you agree with the 52 percent of single people recently
surveyed who think they’ll never find The One. Well, at
Match.com, we know better. You can meet the perfect person for you
sooner than you’d ever imagined with our 90-day guide to dating success.

This three-month plan isn’t just for a narrowly defined set of single people.
It’s for anyone who’s looking to get back in the game with a distinct
advantage—whether you’ve never been married, you’re newly divorced,
you’re a single parent, you’re straight or you’re gay, you’re over 50 and
starting over, or whatever your situation may be. We know that the process
may seem daunting, but don’t worry—you won’t be alone. We’ll be with
you every step of the way to help you figure out what’s been holding you
back and to show you how to take charge of your love life.

You may be asking yourself if now is the right time, and the answer is
absolutely, undeniably yes. Finding a happy relationship may be the most
important thing you ever do, but it doesn’t have to be a long, painful
process. We have the secrets for you to get exactly what you want quickly
and productively. With our knowledge in your hands, you can unlock the
door to your future happiness—after all, in just a few weeks, you’ll have
the master key. So what are you waiting for?

Dawn Yanek, author of Women’s Best-Kept Secrets and the former sex-and-relationships
columnist for Stuff magazine, currently works as a freelance writer and TV personality in
New York City. Like Match.com, Dawn firmly believes there is someone for everyone -
finding 'the one' is just a matter of expanding your possibilities.
MONTH #3
MOVING AHEAD:
IT’S TIME TO MEET
YOUR MATCH

W
ow, what an incredible ride you’ve taken so far: The past
two months have been revealing—and exhilarating. And it’s
all due to you and your hard work. By approaching dating
from a different perspective, you’ve opened yourself up to
a whole new world of possibilities and, we’re guessing,
more than a few interesting prospects. Does one of them have the
potential to be your life-long partner? Very possibly…and at Match.com
we know that these early stages are critical to the development of a
relationship, so we’ve boiled down the essentials for you. Know these
rules of engagement, and you’ll be able to zero in on the right person,
figure out whether you’re truly compatible and see if the object of your
affection has what it takes to go the distance with you.

MONTH3
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 WEEK 9:
DISCOVER YOUR TRUE COMPATIBILITY

W
hile excitement and lust are important components of a new
relationship, so is some serious analysis. After all, “Why
invest in a stock if it’s going to crash?” asks Jeffry Larson,
Ph. D., author of Should We Stay Together? A Scientifically
Proven Method for Evaluating Your Relationship and
Improving Its Chances for Long-Term Success. “If you want a relationship
that leads to something long-term, you need to be aware of your
compatibility with someone. This way, you can avoid a lot of pain and
anguish, because analyzing your relationship now will help you avoid dating
someone for three years, only to break up.”

This compatibility check doesn’t have to be an arduous process. A few quick

but revealing steps can tell you if you’re either wasting your time or making
a potentially amazing investment.

STEP 1: ZERO IN ON YOUR BEST PROSPECTS

These are the people who make your heart skip a beat, who get you ever-
so-slightly tongue-tied and whose voice you hope you’ll hear when you
answer the phone. But before you launch yourself headfirst into a
relationship with that special someone, you need more information—
namely, about this person’s core values, emotional development and views
on love and life. What are you trying to uncover? Whether or not this
person is trustworthy, truly ready for a relationship and, ultimately, good
for you. So during your third to seventh dates, start injecting bits of more

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 in-depth information about your own life and see how the other person
responds. Psychologists say that a person will respond in kind with the
same amount of disclosure. If you’re talking, say, about time spent with
your family when you were a kid, whether or not you’ve ever really been in
love or how you envision your life ten years from now, the other person
will likely divulge similar pieces of information. Neat trick, huh? The key is
to keep it light and fun and to not ask a lot of “why” questions. Genuine
interest and dialogue will get you a lot further than interrogation tactics.

STEP 2: F I G U R E O U T I F T H I S P E R S O N I S T R U S T W O RT H Y
Giving your heart to someone is one of the biggest risks you can take in
life—and one that’s well worth it if you choose wisely. You want to make
sure that you’re emotionally safe with a love interest, and, believe it or
not, figuring that out isn’t a random guessing game. There are a few key
questions you need to ask yourself to get a clear answer, says Nina
Atwood, M. Ed., a Dallas-based therapist and author of Soul Talk:
Powerful, Positive Communication for a Loving Partnership. They are:

* Does this person keep his or her word?

Small actions can speak thousands of words about larger issues.
So pay attention and see if this person calls when he said he would
or brings you that book he said you’d love and promised to let you
borrow. If he doesn’t, he may disappoint you in other ways down the
line. “Somebody is trustworthy if they do what they say they’ll do—
period,” says Atwood.

* Does this person take responsibility

for the mistakes in his or her own life?
If people have an “external locus of control,” they blame others for
anything that goes awry in their life—and that goes for job, relationship
and family problems. “You need to ask yourself, ‘What is the window
through which this person is viewing other people?’” explains Atwood.
“Because that is the same window through which they will look at you.”

* When and how did this person’s last relationship end?

A surprisingly telling question that can reveal whether you’re the
rebound relationship, an in-the-meantime date or someone who has real
potential is by finding out this information and paying attention to how
it’s conveyed. This way, you’ll get a sense of what really went wrong.
You’ll also learn how that relationship affected your date’s thoughts
about the opposite sex and relationships in general.

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 * Does this person repeat confidential bits of information about other people?
Gossip about exes and others may be fun, but discretion reveals a great
deal about someone’s character and the way in which this person will
speak about you later on.

STEP 3: TA K E T H E C O M PAT I B I L I T Y T E S T
Figuring out if you’re compatible is very much like playing detective,
as you cleverly gather your information from clues in your date’s
conversation. Know, however, that this is not an open-and-shut case.
“When you first fall in love, you don’t think rationally—it’s hormones,
ahoy,” explains Larson. “After a few months things calm down, but it really
takes about a year to tell if you’re truly compatible. You get to see the
person in a variety of situations, through all the four seasons, all the
holidays, all the rituals.”

Can’t wait that long, can you? The following test, created by Match.com
with Larson, will help you figure out if you’re on the right track with the
right person. Not every one of these answers will matter the same amount,
but they will help you form a truer, clearer picture of the person you’re
with—and what this relationship may be like in the long-term. Write your
answers in a journal for each person you’re interested in, and then update
them every three weeks for the first three months, if you’re still dating.

1. Do we, deep down, “get” each other and appreciate what makes the
other person unique?

2. Do we value the same things in life? Rank the following items for
yourself, and then rank them as you think your date would.

Romance
Sex
Friendship
Work
Money
Recreation
Children
Family
Spirituality

3. Do we expect the same things from a partner and from a relationship?

4. Are we from similar backgrounds?

5. Are our personalities similar?

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 6. Do we enjoy doing the same types of things for fun?

7. Are we sexually attracted to each other?

8. Do I find it easy to talk to this person?

STEP 4: U N D E R S TA N D Y O U R A N S W E R S
These questions get to the root of the big issues—the ones that best
predict long-term relationship success or failure. After all, while little
things (like your partner’s taste in movies or his penchant for falling asleep
on the couch) may be minor irritations, they generally don’t cause
breakups. Core desires about how many children to have, what role
spirituality will play in your life or how you view relationships in general,
however, can cause deep rifts between you and your partner.

The same holds true for deep personality differences. Here’s how you can
identify a few big warning signs: “When you’re complaining about the
other person’s personality—‘he’s too quiet’ or ‘she’s too shy’—you’re
probably not compatible,” says Larson. “The same holds true if you get
the feeling that the other person doesn’t understand you or that you’re
not on the same wavelength.” While some differences can make a
relationship spicier, serious disagreements about life and how you want to
live it can cause problems down the line.

But notice we used the word can, not will. While compatibility is certainly
important, “what matters most is good communication skills—good
speaking, listening and problem-solving skills,” says Larson. “Even if you
have some incompatibilities, having good communication skills may help
you work things out.” While similar backgrounds and personality traits can
help you fall into a relationship more easily, these things aren’t necessarily
prerequisites to relationship success. The following Match.com story
illustrates how one woman from England found that she did share certain
core similarities with her American Prince Charming, despite their
outwardly different behavior and upbringing. “It was like Brendan was
custom-fit for me: We have many similar interests as well as
complementary qualities. He’s more grounded and passive; I am quite
emotional and nervy. He became, in a short time, my rock, and I his spark.
K E E P B E I N G T H E FA B U L O U S P E R S O N T H AT Y O U A R E .

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 Taking a Closer Look.
What Counts as Compatibility?
A Case Study
At first glance, it may seem as if you’re polar opposites, but as one
woman on Match.com discovered, a little digging can yield a wealth
of similarities.

“Brian was one of the first people to wink at me on Match.com. He was

a mechanic and a city councilman living in a small town about 120 miles
away from me. He described himself as utterly self-reliant, someone
who had made his own way in the world, but who was interested in
meeting new people and seeing new places. At the time, I was separated
from my husband of 12 years—the only person I’d ever dated seriously.
I tried Match.com to learn how to talk to new people, maybe make a
friend or pen pal, or perhaps even go on a few dates. I’m a professor
with two small children, and I never dreamed I’d date anyone else
seriously ever again, let alone fall in love.

“We e-mailed each other for about a month, slowly talking about our work
and home lives, politics (he’s a moderate Republican, and I’m a pretty left
Democrat) and our families. We were amazed to find that despite the
differences in our education and political leanings, we still had so much in
common. We wanted the same kinds of things in our lives, we felt similarly
about our friends and work, we loved lots of the same kinds of music, we
both read a lot, and felt strongly about having and raising children.

“About a month later Brian and I exchanged phone numbers. We were

supposedly going to talk about our other adventures on Match.com, but
after we talked for about 90 minutes that first night, we decided to talk
again. And again. And finally, we met for lunch.

“Well, we were supposed to have lunch, but we ended up just sitting

at my kitchen table with big buckets of coffee in front of us, talking for
about five hours! By the time we were saying our good-byes, we were
shyly asking each other if we thought we could handle the distance
(a two-and-a-half-hour drive). We both realized we were interested in
each other, and we’ve been spending every weekend together ever since.
We’ve also e-mailed each other daily and saved and archived all those
messages—more than 300 now!

“We love each other deeply and feel that Match.com was a safe,
accessible way to learn a lot about each other and ourselves. We are
so grateful.”

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 Taking a Closer Look.
Rejection Rx
So let’s say you’ve been shot down, and it stinks. But it’s actually a
necessary step in your quest for love. The following step-by-step guide
will help you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and adjust your attitude
so you can get back on track.

Step 1: Reframe your rejection in a positive light. “Instead of focusing on

the rejection itself, focus on the risk you took,” says Carrie Blau, CSW, a
therapist in Long Beach, New York. “You let yourself be vulnerable, and
that’s a good thing. Everything in life that’s worth having involves a risk—
getting a new job, buying a house, starting a new relationship. Whenever
you put something on the line, the payoff can be so much more.” That’s
an empowering bit of knowledge, and it can remind you that you have
the strength to move on and find the greatest love of your life.

Step 2: Compare your recently extinguished love to your former flames.

It’s important to take this time to mourn the end of the relationship,
refocus and reevaluate. “When you break up, it’s often all or nothing—the
person goes from being God’s gift to the biggest jerk in the world—but
the truth is, you did like some things about the person and the
relationship,” says Blau. “The time in between relationships is when you
learn the most.” So pull out your relationship scorecard from Month #1,
figure out how this partner stacked up and see if you stayed on track and
it just didn’t work out—or if you need to refocus some of your energy on
breaking a bad dating habit.

Step 3: Spoil yourself rotten. Treat yourself to an expensive dinner, buy

front-row tickets to your favorite sports event, and watch the sunset.
Instead of waiting to do something wonderful with someone else, lavish a
little attention on you.

Step 4: Adjust your attitude. The self-esteem boost above should help
you get back to your confident self. Repeating a mantra can enhance that
process. Blau suggests saying this to calm your anxiety and avoid a woe-
is-me attitude: “I’m exactly where I need to be right now.” As they say,
everything happens for a reason—and when you solve your current
relationship puzzle, a positive shift will follow.

Step 5: Get back out there. You’ve learned, you’ve grown and now you
are an even stronger force to be reckoned with. So call a friend, make
plans for this weekend and watch out, world—here you come!

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W H AT Y O U L E A R N E D T H I S W E E K :

* To zero in on your best prospects

for love and figure out if you’re
compatible

* To manage your expectations and

open yourself up to possibilities
you hadn’t previously imagined

* To look at a failed relationship as

an opportunity to learn and grow

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WEEK 10:
SETTING THE PACE
FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

O
K, you’ve met someone you like, you think you’re compatible,
and you’ve decided that you’d like to work toward building a
relationship…now what? According to Sheenah Hankin, Ph.
D., a New York City psychotherapist and the author of
Complete Confidence: A Handbook, continuing to work
toward that ideal relationship is key: “The biggest mistake people make at
this early stage is starting to predict a future. There’s nothing wrong with
hoping it’s going to go well, but you’ve got to move through another
whole stage before you can be sure.” For the first 90 days of your new
relationship, it’s essential to pace yourself and manage your expectations.
And while that involves a certain amount of restraint upon occasion, it’ll
be well worth the effort expended. “Romance is a wonderful feeling, but
what’s far more important is turning romance into companionship,” says
Hankin. “You don’t lose romance by building companionship—you get
something even better.” The following rules can turn your blossoming
romance into a lasting love affair.

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RULE #1: K E E P B E I N G T H E FA B U L O U S P E R S O N T H AT Y O U A R E .

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again, because it is the most common
mistake people make in the first 90 days. You can get so overwhelmed
by a new relationship that you develop selective amnesia: You forget you.
Often when people get wrapped up in a new relationship, Hankin says,
they put their lives and responsibilities on the back burner—they
daydream at work, stop seeing friends or returning calls, don’t go to
the gym, and even forget to pay the rent. Nothing seems as important
as your new love, and that may ultimately be the case, but it’s still
essential for you to maintain some perspective. She suggests the following
exercise to make sure you’re “keeping your life alive.” Every Monday
morning, ask yourself the following questions:

Am I taking care of myself physically by working out, eating well

* and doing whatever I normally do to stay healthy?

Am I taking care of myself emotionally by keeping my family and

* friends around? And am I taking care of them and being there for
them when they need me?

Am I taking care of my life by paying my bills, continuing to focus

* on my job and putting myself first?

From there, make your to-do lists for each of these categories and get
to your tasks at hand. “If you don’t do these things, you won’t feel good
about yourself,” says Hankin. “And you won’t have anything to talk about
with your new love interest.” All your varied interests and obligations,
after all, make you the fascinating person that you are—and the one that
your new partner met and may be falling in love with.

RULE #2: KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN.

Just because you like someone, it doesn’t mean that you can’t like
other people, too. Comparison shopping (and dating), even when you
think you might be crazy about someone, can clarify your feelings as
well as slow you down so you don’t ignore negative aspects of your
new partner. “I always fall into the same trap: getting too serious too
soon,” admits 45-year-old Chrissy, a business manager in Los Angeles.
“I’ve learned to slow myself down by mentally listing my motives and
trying to figure them out.” Actually writing your motives down will
draw things out further, as will accepting that other dinner date for the
weekend or limiting your time spent with this new person to two or three
dates a week for the first month.

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 Once you are ready to commit, however, have an explicit conversation
about it. After all, the other person might not be where you are
emotionally. And that great No. 2 prospect that you got rid of after you
had one good conversation with your first choice? He or she could be
long gone by now.

RULE #3: D O N ’ T G E T S W E P T I N T O B E D T O O Q U I C K LY.

Yes, we’re all adults here, and sex can be a wonderful thing—but no
matter how liberated we think we are, having sex before we’re truly ready
often comes with a price. The chemicals released during sex can cause a
flood of emotional attachment (see below, “Are You In Love—Or Lust?”),
and this can cloud your judgment early on. Instant intimacy can also start
a relationship off on the wrong foot, explains Laura, a 29-year-old
candymaker from Fort Lee, New Jersey: “When you sleep with someone
too soon, you never develop as friends because you fall into the pattern
of going to bed.”

So with all that said, how long should you wait? Obviously, it’s a personal
choice and expert opinion ranges widely, but three weeks seems to be
the minimum. Steven Sacks, author of The Mate Map: The Right Tool For
Choosing The Right Mate, recommends waiting at least three months.
“If you’re meant to be together, you’ll have your whole lives together,”
he says. “You want the level of physical intimacy to meet your level of
relationship intimacy. After three months you really have a sense of what
this person’s about and you have a higher level of connection.” As they
say, good things come to those who wait.

RULE #4: K E E P Y O U R R E L AT I O N S H I P F R E E F R O M FA M I LY I N P U T.

When you introduce your new partner to your parents and extended
family, you’re also introducing additional opinions, attachments and
resentments—all of which can extinguish a new flame. After all, how
many times have you heard the following questions: So when are you
two going to get married? Is he really your type? Don’t you think your
ex was better marriage material? Sound familiar? Instead of letting family
members shape your judgment in these early stages, form your own
opinion and then let your family know what you think.

Meeting your partner’s family can also catapult you into a separate
relationship with them and guilt you into staying in a relationship that’s
not right for you. For example, you might form a bond with their siblings
or fall in love with their children—and that’s not what should keep you in a

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 relationship. So those kinds of
introductions are another step to
take very slowly.
And what if you’ve met right before
a major holiday? Do you have to
merge families as a show of holiday
spirit? No, say the experts: Don’t
treat this as the exception to the
rule. Fulfill your respective
obligations, and if you want to see
each other, do so when the others
have cleared out. Think of it this
way: A late-night-drink date can be a
great incentive to get you through
an exhausting family dinner.
RULE #5: I F Y O U H AV E K I D S , E X E R C I S E
E V E N G R E AT E R C A U T I O N .
Introducing your new partner to
your kids—or being introduced to
your partner’s—is a definite no-no
before 90 days or before you’re
committed to working toward a
future together. Don’t forget—
you’re dealing with a whole other
set of fragile emotions. When the
time is right, Hankin suggests
introducing your new love quickly
and casually. Instead of spending
a weekend away or even having an
introductory dinner, invite your
date along to a baseball game or
a movie. “Have the person fit in
with the plan rather than making
him/her the focus,” she says. “And
don’t put a lot of pressure on the
kids by telling them, ‘You’ve gotta
meet him, you’re gonna like him,
he’s great.’ Don’t sell. Instead say,
‘I have a friend I really like a lot,
and I want you to meet.’ Let them
come around slowly.”
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Taking a Closer Look.
Are You in Love — or Lust?
In the beginning it may be hard to tell
if your hormones have gotten the better
of you or if you’re truly head over heels
in love. Not anymore. According to
anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph. D.,
author of Why We Love: The Nature
and Chemistry of Romantic Love, there
are some very defining characteristics
for each of the three stages of love.
You can have one stage without the other,
and they can occur in any order. But for
a long-term romantic relationship, you
need all three. Translation: If you and
your partner are in lust, it may be fun,
but you’ll need to slow yourself down
and figure out if there’s more to your
relationship than naughty thoughts. By
identifying the telltale signs of love and
lust (and, ultimately, attachment), you
can figure out what those butterflies in
your stomach really mean.
LUST
The telltale signs: You have an intense
craving for sex, but you lack a desire
for emotional union. “It’s an intolerable
neural itch, and you can feel it for a
whole range of people or even by
conjuring up a thought,” says Fisher.
“But you don’t change your priorities
to be with this person, and you’re not
highly motivated to win them over in an
emotional way.” In short, if your interest
isn’t reciprocated by the object of your
desire, you might not be happy but you
won’t be heartbroken either and you’ll
direct your lust elsewhere.
The chemicals responsible: Your sex
drive needs no introduction, but it’s
spurred on by testosterone in both
men and women.
And as long as we’re on the topic…
If your new partner tries to hook up on
night No. 1 or calls you at 11 p.m. for
a midnight rendezvous, be wary.
Down the line, that kind of behavior
can be spontaneous and fun; but in
the beginning, it signifies a desire for
sex and nothing more.
 If you happen to have a teenager
at home, smooth the situation by
introducing your new love interest
on your teen’s terms. Hankin
suggests, “Ask your teen what’s
acceptable: ‘What would you like
to do? Would you like him to come
by for dessert or come for a walk
with us? Let me know what would
be comfortable for you.’” Try to
think of this as an adult-to-adult
proposition instead of an adult-to-
child one. If you don’t talk down to
your child, he or she won’t be as
likely to act like one and you’ll
have a better shot of easily
integrating your date into your
life—as well as your family’s.
RULE #6: L O O K AT T H E S E T H R E E K E Y
ISSUES: ANGER, MONEY
A N D FA M I LY R E L AT I O N S .
You generally start observing
and discussing these topics at
the five-to six-week point.
The thing is, these hot-button
issues are not localized—meaning,
the way in which anger is
expressed is “a habit and a style,”
according to Hankin, and it can
be the same for work, relationship
and family issues. The same goes
for opinions about money and
family. Here are a few key
questions to ask yourself:
Do I like the way this person
* spends money?
Is he or she generous or stingy?
* the brain,” says Fisher. “So get to know
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ROMANTIC LOVE
The telltale signs: Your palms are sweaty,
your heart goes pitter-patter and your
stomach does flips even an Olympic gymnast
couldn’t handle. Aside from these physical
sensations, your brain is flooded with
obsessive thoughts about this person and a
desire for emotional connection. “You become
extremely possessive of this person and the
relationship, and you don’t want them to be
with or sleep with anybody else—this is called
mate-guarding in animals,” says Fisher. “The
emotions that go with romantic love run from
very positive to very negative, but the actual
core feeling is an obsession to win somebody
else emotionally, whether they love you or
don’t love you.” Your fear systems also shut
down, so you do crazy things for love—the
sort of things you don’t do just for sex.
The chemicals responsible: Dopamine.
The part of the brain that produces it also
becomes activated when you eat chocolate or
when you’re trying to win money. Dopamine
produces a high, and it can lead you to the
heights of euphoria and the depths of despair.
ATTACHMENT
The telltale signs: Your feelings of lust
and romantic love become more sporadic,
and you settle into a calmer, more content
relationship. You are connected to the other
person and feel surges of lust and love, but
the intensity is different and you are focused
more on companionship.
The chemicals responsible: Oxytocin and,
in men, vasopressin—these are the calming
chemicals that suppress testosterone and
dopamine.
Bonus tip!
Be Careful With Whom You Fall in Love
Sometimes we really don’t have a choice in
the matter, but more often than you think,
you do have control. Consider this: If you
sleep with someone too soon, you can
activate oxytocin, vasopressin and dopamine
production in your brain, leading you straight
into the romantic love and attachment phases.
These chemicals can overshadow your better
judgment, so be careful with whom you get
intimate and when. “With orgasm, levels of
oxytocin go up almost 500 percent in women
and levels of vasopressin go way up in men;
these are the attachment chemicals in
the person before you make love to them,
because otherwise you may fall in love with
somebody who isn’t right for you at all.”
 Does this person have a close relationship with his family?
*
How does this person react when faced with stress or adversity?
*
These key issues will come up time and again, and identifying the ways
in which your potential partner deals with them will give you a better idea
of what your future might be like together—for better or for worse.

RULE #7: R E M E M B E R T O H AV E F U N !

More important than whether or not this is the right person for you on
paper, you need to truly enjoy spending time together. “If you don’t
have fun with someone, the relationship is going to be boring and it’s not
going to last,” says Hankin. “It’s really important to continue to have fun,
right through married life.” In the beginning, show your potential mate
how you feel with small gestures and see if the object of your affection
feels the same way about you. Bob, 32, an architect in Cleveland, offers
these tips: “Go ahead and e-mail short little thinking-of-you notes if you
didn’t get to call for a few days, bring her flowers from the yard, take her
for a walk or a bike ride in the park, or call her for her opinion on
something you’re doing. If you can embed positive images of yourself
(within reason, of course!) in her mind that she can replay, you increase
your chances for success.”

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 W H AT Y O U L E A R N E D T H I S W E E K :

* To pace yourself in a new relationship

* To distinguish love from lust—and
figure out which one you’ve got
(or both)

Checkup Time: Your Progress So Far.

Use this checklist to track your accomplishments:

So far I have…

Zeroed in on at least two people I’ve been dating

* and figured out if I’m compatible with them

Learned how to pace myself in a relationship

*
Tempered my expectations and opened myself
* up to different possibilities

Worked on cultivating the relationship that I want

* and know I deserve

If you haven’t found the right person yet, don’t get discouraged and
don’t settle. This isn’t a race, and while it may be difficult to find The
One, when you do find that person—and you absolutely will—you will
experience a love that you may not have thought possible.

If, however, you have found someone who has a real possibility of
being the perfect person for you, it’s time to utilize the tools that will
turn your dream into a reality. And that’s just what the next two weeks
will be all about.

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WEEK 11:
SIDESTEPPING EARLY RELATIONSHIP TRAPS

I
f you’re pacing your relationship as we’ve outlined above, you deserve
a hearty dose of congratulations. By learning the new rules of the road,
you’ve put yourself way ahead of the game. And at Match.com we
know that this is key to your future happiness, as is avoiding certain
common pitfalls at this incredibly important stage. “Within the first few
months, you set the tone of the relationship and the operating parameters
for respecting each other, communicating and compromising,” says Ian
Kerner, Ph. D., couples counselor and author of Be Honest—You’re Not
That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach For The Love You
Deserve. “Relationships can get lopsided very quickly, so it’s pivotal to
establish the groundwork for giving and receiving.” But while you may
encounter the following obstacles on your way to relationship nirvana,
if you navigate your way past them successfully, your reward will be that
much sweeter—and that much closer.

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TRAP #1: You’re lukewarm about someone you’ve been seeing—until that person
suddenly doesn’t return your calls. Now you’re pining for him.

THE SOLUTION: Figure out if you let a good one get away or if your
ego is simply bruised. The best way to do this? “Wait a week before
picking up the phone or e-mailing the person to figure things out and
to start things up again,” advises Kerner. “A week is a good litmus test
because you’ll move on if you weren’t interested, rather than just feeding
an obsession.” But this isn’t a week off from the plan. Kerner suggests
gaining relationship insight by writing a mock letter to this person
(and no, never sending it) that follows this format:

Acknowledge the problem. For example: “You’re not calling me

* back, and maybe it didn’t seem like I was that into you, but….”

List the things you liked about the person.

*
List the things you liked about the two of you being together.
*
List any problems that may have led to the no-calling situation.
*
If you don’t come up with much that you liked—or if the things you come
up with don’t mesh with what you ultimately want in a partner—it’s time to
cut bait. If, however, you’re kicking yourself for messing up a good thing,
make a single call or write an e-mail saying something to the effect of:
“I haven’t heard from you in a few days, and I just wanted to see how you
were doing. I’d like to get together again sometime soon.” You’re being
direct and non-accusatory; don’t get angry or go into too much detail,
and don’t go into silent-stalker mode (this is the era of caller ID, after all).
Perhaps your date was just busy, and this will be the catalyst for that
long-overdue call. If not, think of this as a good lesson learned and don’t
take your maybe-mates for granted in the future.

TRAP #2: You look for validation about your relationship and your new partner
from family and friends.

THE SOLUTION: Stop analyzing each and every part of your new relationship
and recounting the details to everyone who’ll listen. There are a few things
to consider here: First, everyone looks for and likes different qualities in a
partner. The important thing is that you—not your mother, best friend or
the cashier at the corner deli—are attracted to and stimulated by this
person. The other thing you need to consider is where a person’s opinion
is really coming from. Perhaps your parents want to be grandparents very
soon, or your single friend is invested in having you stay single for just a
little while longer. Other people’s opinions can be superficial, off base or

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 plain old self-motivated. Of course, if a trusted friend sees you falling
into a bad pattern or if you’re in an abusive situation, you need to
listen. But if that’s not the case, says Kerner, “turn down the volume
and let the relationship get out of its infancy before exposing it to
potential criticism.”

TRAP #3: You make excuses when the person you’re dating is emotionally
unavailable.

THE SOLUTION: Refuse to have a relationship unless it’s on mutually

agreeable terms. Because if you’re just a booty call or a guy who pays
for dinner when no one else is around, it’s not a relationship. It may sound
harsh, but it’s the truth. You need to ask yourself, “Is this person doing
everything in his or her power to have a real relationship with me?”
Kerner explains: “You should feel that your relationship is growing, that
you’re opening your worlds to each other. And frankly, when you’re in
love, those are things you want to do. You don’t make excuses for not
doing them.” In short, if your date seems eternally busy, waits until the
last minute to make plans (read: there are no better options), only tries
to see you once every few weeks, or doesn’t share more than one aspect
of his or her life, you’ve got a problem and should find someone who
actually appreciates you.

TRAP #4: You want to spend all your time with your new love.

THE SOLUTION: You need to respect boundaries—yours and your partner’s.

Just as you wouldn’t want someone to tell you how to spend your free time
and with whom, you shouldn’t do that to someone else. Hankin gives this
example: “If he goes out with his guy friends every Tuesday during baseball
season to watch the game, don’t try to get him to see you on those nights
or call him when he’s out. You can’t always be the center of attention—it’s a
killer at this point.” While you may guilt your partner into seeing you for one
night, that’s not a pattern you want to set because jealousy will eventually
strangle your relationship. The following exercise can help draw some guidelines:

List the activities and commitments that are important to you.

*
List the activities and commitments that are important
* to your new partner.

Repeat this statement to yourself: “I will not be jealous or

* possessive of my new partner’s life away from me.”

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 The idea is to build a foundation based on love, respect and trust. If
you’re missing any of these ingredients, the delicate relationship recipe
can turn sour.

TRAP #5: In your gut, you know that there’s something off about this
relationship, but you ignore it and try to make the best of things.

THE SOLUTION: Be honest about what you’re seeing and feeling—and

write it down. Some of your worries may seem unfounded, but others
may have some weight. Let’s say you suspect that your new flame is
still involved with his ex or that he’s hiding something important. Do a
little subtle (or not-so-subtle) digging by talking about your own past
relationships or whatever the subject in question may be. If your date is
evasive when it’s his or her turn to share or gets very uncomfortable—and
this really is a make-or-break situation—ask a more direct question, get a
more satisfactory answer and establish clear rules. Respect yourself by
saying: “I won’t see you if you’re still seeing your ex” or “It makes me
uncomfortable when you make off-color jokes, and I can’t be in a
relationship with someone who does that.” You have every right to want
certain things in a partner, and you shouldn’t settle for anything less.
Be honest with yourself. If this relationship isn’t working or you learn
that you’re really not as compatible as you originally thought, don’t waste
any more of your precious time.

If you’re concerned that speaking up will result in breaking up, you

shouldn’t be in this relationship. Establishing a foundation of trust, respect
and open communication is the only way you’ll ever achieve an ultimately
fulfilling and successful relationship. “Accepting certain behavior sets up
patterns of disrespect,” says Kerner. “It could be accepting that someone
will call you once every three weeks to hook up or allowing them to throw
a temper tantrum in front of you or yell at cab drivers. You can’t let
someone get away with something you’re uncomfortable with. The longer
you accept the bad habits, the harder they are to break.”

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 Taking a Closer Look.
Dating 911
You’ve been following the plan but haven’t had the right results? Try these 10
emergency moves ASAP!

If you’re having trouble meeting new people…

1. Have a friend analyze your technique. Maybe you think you’re doing all the
right things, but you’re really missing one essential ingredient or unconsciously
hindering your progress. An honest friend can evaluate, assess and discuss—
then send you back out for another try.
2. Go on Match.com right now. But that’s not all: Wink at three people you find
attractive and interesting, and then wink at three more who are slightly outside
your criteria. By altering your requirements of location, looks, age, or
profession, you might find a hidden gem.
3. Accept that crazy blind-date offer. Even pushy aunts and busybody
manicurists could be the link to your soul mate.
4. Stop dating. You’ve earned a night off, so head out with your friends and have
fun. Deactivating your “dating vibe” can relax you, yet still leave you with all
your very attractive confidence.
5. Throw a party. Ask each of your friends to bring a single friend and turn your
pad into party central. As host, you’re also in a unique position: You are the
person who’s in charge, and as such, people will gravitate toward you. Each
hello and thank-you-for-the-invite is an opportunity to meet someone new.

If you’re having trouble taking things from date one to date three…
1. Do the opposite of what you’ve been doing on your dates. Remember that
George Costanza rule of opposites that we mentioned in Month #1? It works
here, too. So for one night, divulge more or less than you normally would,
change up your first-date clothing and go on an unconventional date. You’re in
a rut and need to break out of it!
2. Start a journal. When to write in it? You’ll be the most honest with yourself as
soon as you get home from a date. By writing down your thoughts, you can
remind yourself of how things really were instead of how you’ve distorted them
the week after.
3. Practice on your friends. As they say, practice makes perfect, and running
through a few conversations and potential questions ahead of time will boost
your confidence and relax you in the moment.
4. Go on a double or group date. By diluting the pressure and taking the focus
off the date, you’ll be able to relax and let your date get more of a glimpse of
the real you.
5. Put your cards on the table. Admit that you’re nervous to your date, and
suddenly the big pink elephant in the room is just a harmless little anxiety
instead of crippling awkwardness or unintentional standoffishness.

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 Just When You Least Expect It…
Sometimes the search for the right person seems endless, but if you
give up now, you could be missing out on the best thing that could
happen to you. This Match.com testimonial illustrates why it’s important
to hang in there.

“I was just about ready to quit online dating. There was one guy that
I matched with, and I read his profile a dozen times. I never contacted
him because his preference was to meet singles who were never married.
But when I got back from a vacation, I had a contact from him! I wrote
something in my profile about people being attracted to my intelligence,
and his e-mail said, ‘I'd like to get to know your brain.’ It made me laugh,
and I already thought he was cute, so I e-mailed him back.

“We e-mailed back and forth and decided to meet for lunch. He acted
a little nervous, and I loved that. I thought he was awfully cute, articulate
and charming, and he said I was interesting and more attractive in person
than in my picture. I went back to work that day a lot lighter in my shoes
than when I’d left.

“We started dated exclusively. We’ve lived kind of on the fast track,
relationship-wise. We have the same outlook: Life’s too short to
be unhappy, and there’s no time like the present! He felt like he’d
been looking for something for a very long time; I felt I had defined
exactly what I wanted and needed from a mate. We were both blessed
to find what we had been looking for, and we don’t take it for granted
a single day.”

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W H AT Y O U L E A R N E D T H I S W E E K :

To sidestep the five most common

* relationship traps

To reinvigorate your dating life

* with a slightly different approach
or to seal the deal on a date

To realize that amazing things

* can happen when you least
expect them to!

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WEEK 12:
5 STEPS TO LONG-TERM SUCCESS

F
inding love and working at having an enduring relationship are
two of the most important things you’ll ever do in your life. But
once you find someone you think you may love, the work doesn’t
end there. After all, relationships are living, breathing organisms
that need love and attention, just like people. “Your first three
months of a relationship are like a big pink bubble,” explains Nina
Atwood, author of Soul Talk: Powerful, Positive Communication for a
Loving Partnership. “After that, the real world starts to set in, and issues
about jobs, families, friends, commitments, and conflicts come up.” But
don’t kid yourself—not everyone is innately good at relationships, but you
can learn to be great at them. That’s what this week is all about. The
following tips for happiness over the long haul can keep you on the right
track whenever you’re in doubt—tomorrow or ten years from now.

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STEP 1: B E H O N E S T A N D C O M M U N I C AT E .
It may sound obvious, but it’s surprising how people forget to do these
two incredibly basic things. It’s so important not to avoid confrontation;
instead focus on expressing your concerns or disagreements in an effective
way. “Research shows that the No. 1 ingredient for long-term success is
how couples handle conflict,” says Dennis Lowe, Ph. D., a psychology
professor at Pepperdine University and director of the Center for the
Family at Pepperdine. “If they attack each other’s character, it escalates
conflict and can spell disaster.” Follow these three rules to have a
constructive discussion instead of engaging in all-out war the next time
you have a conflict.

Don’t attack. Avoid all-encompassing and accusatory phrases, such as

“You never…” and “You always….” Instead start off in a soft tone, and
whatever you do, don’t go for the jugular. Just as it would in the literal
sense of the phrase, that will inevitably lead to carnage and a big mess.

Emphasize the positive and put the focus on yourself. Couching your
discontent in something that’s good about your relationship will get you a
lot further than harping on the bad. For example, suggests Lowe: “Instead
of saying, ‘Why don’t you ever want to spend time with me anymore?’ you
could say, ‘I love our time together, and I really miss it. I’d really like to
find time this week to be together.’”

Be willing to see the other side. It’s a basic fact of life: Sometimes you
will be wrong. You might not intentionally try to hurt your partner, but you
may accidentally do so. “The goal is to have a dialogue, not a monologue,
and not to pontificate,” says Lowe. “Express your feelings, and listen to
the other person’s perspective.”

STEP 2: K N O W W H E N I T ’ S T I M E T O S T O P TA L K I N G .
We’ve all been guilty of overanalyzing things or talking about them till we
practically drop. The healthiest thing you can do is realize that sometimes
you’ll agree and sometimes you won’t. It really can be that simple. The key
is to figure out what matters most to you. “Control what you can and
accept what you cannot,” says Lowe. “This is particularly important in the
beginning of a relationship, when you start to see differences and want to
change the other person or ‘correct’ them. When you can accept the
person’s differences, it’s often a relief.” This exercise will help you figure
out when you should let something go…

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 List your top three disagreements.
*
List the top three things about your partner that provoke a
* negative reaction from you.

Next to each of these six items, rank them as either very important,
* important or not that important to your overall relationship satisfaction.

In the third column, write down a way you can change

* the topic when it comes up.

In the fourth column, write down what might be endearing

* about the other person in relation to it.

Hopefully, you will find that not every annoyance or disagreement is

threatening to your relationship. For example, your partner’s preoccupation
with golf may drive you a little crazy, but it doesn’t have to be the catalyst
for a knock-down, drag-’em-out brawl. And when you think about it, the
way he’s transfixed to a television screen and the way his head bobs to the
swinging of a golf club can be kind of cute.

STEP 3: TA K E R I S K S .
Change can be scary, but you also need to remember that it can be very
good. After all, a new partner can expand your horizons and introduce
you to new friends, new foods, new perspectives, new adventures—the
possibilities are endless. Getting involved with someone is the ultimate
risk, but as long as you’re committed to making that leap of faith together,
you can have everything you’ve ever wanted and more. In doing so, it’s
important to remember to grow together. “You can’t expect the life you
had as a single person to stay exactly that way,” says Atwood. “You’ll
need to compromise and let go of some things you used to do before you
got involved. It’s about being flexible and knowing there are parts of life
you’re going to be changing in order to accommodate your relationship.”
Whether you go to a cooking class together, attempt to learn the basics
of football, read a book that your new love recommended, or, down the
line, consider moving halfway across the country because of a partner’s
job offer, look at the situation in front of you and trust yourself and your
relationship. By keeping that in mind, you will make the right decision
and get much more than you’d ever bargained for.

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STEP 4: A LWAY S H AV E Y O U R PA RT N E R ’ S
B E S T I N T E R E S T S AT H E A R T.
Once you’re sure that your partner
is trustworthy and you’re in the
thick of a relationship together,
focus on your partner’s happiness.
A happy partner, after all, will
make you even happier, and this
mantra will also remind you that
life is not all about you. “In
addition to communication, you
need to learn how to listen more
than you speak,” explains Atwood.
“There’s a reason we have two
ears and one mouth. People will
tell you what they want and what
it is that makes them happy.”
The other thing that will keep
a protective shield of happiness
around a relationship is something
that Atwood calls “the behavior
of love.” Even if you had an
awful day at work, hug and kiss
your partner when you meet
up instead of scowling and
launching into a diatribe about
your boss. “First of all, you’ll
feel better,” says Atwood.
“Second, nobody wants to be
greeted by someone with a sour
look on their face: It has a very
negative impact. A lot of couples
get into fights because their
evening starts in a negative way.”
But if you have it in your mind
that you will set the right tone
from the get-go, no matter
how difficult, you can drastically
improve your chances for
happiness—right now and forever.
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It’s Time to Pass Go — and Win
at the Relationships Game!
Well, almost. Before you receive
your dating diploma, you need to
make sure that you know all the
ingredients that go into a healthy
relationship and that you’re heading
in the right direction with the right
person. Check off your progress
below, and if you’ve missed a step,
go back and complete it now.
Have you…
* Continued to meet people,
date and get to know them?
* Taken a closer look at your
best relationship prospects
and honestly assessed your
compatibility?
* Taken it slow during the first
90 days with someone special
and avoided the pitfalls common
to new relationships?
* Learned what it takes to have
an incredibly happy and
fulfilling relationship that has
the power to endure?
If so, congratulations! You will no
longer feel like success is dangling
right in front of you but just out
of your reach—because now it’s
fully within your grasp. You can
and will attain the relationship
you’ve always dreamed of. After all,
at Match.com we know that what
you’ve learned over the past three
months has provided you with the
essential tools you’ll need to truly
embrace love, life and all the
wonderful possibilities they both
have to offer. And we’re confident
you’ll do just that!
STEP 5: KEEP IT EXCITING.
There’s no doubt about it: Relationships are a lot of work, but they
should also be a lot of fun. And the more good times you have together,
the more comfortable you become. Of course, that’s a good thing.
“But,” warns 23-year-old Negar, an office manager in Westlake Village,
California, “you have to make sure you don’t get so comfortable that
you feel you don’t have to do anything. You have to stay romantic and
do things that aren’t expected.” If you don’t, your relationship may fall
into a rut and your partner may feel taken for granted—and this is
equally true for men and women. Anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph. D.,
says that by occasionally doing novel things, you can create a surge in
your body’s production of dopamine and testosterone, rekindling those
romantic and naughty feelings you had early on. Some ideas: You could
plan a date night, go on a tropical vacation or make love on the kitchen
table. After all, the whole point of finding The One is to have a lover,
a friend and a partner-in-crime—all in one. And in the end, there is
nothing more wonderful or satisfying.

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