Door to Door
72
AEI CLIENT NEWS
*Steve Alten's The Trench has appeared from Kensington,
and received a great review in Kirkus (see p. 4). Overnight
it went from #39,654 on amazon.com to #3500.
Diane Burrell's The Sleeping Beauty, just signed by AEI,
was a semi-finalist in the Empire Screenplay Contest.
Robert Cantrell's (The Man Who Built Boats) article on
Intellectual Property Management appeared in the April 30
issue of Lawyers Weekly.
Gary and Joy Lundbergs I Dont Have to Make
Everything All Better received a great review in PW
4/19/99 (see p. 4). It was listed as #5 in the Dallas Morning
Tribune.
AEI/GP has made a coproduction deal for LLPC's Dante's
Inferno, based on the script by John Mulholland, with
Mike Richardson's Dark Horse (Mystery Men).
*Shirley Palmer's Veiled Journey appears from Mira in the
Fall, and was a Doubleday Book Club selection.
David Stiebel's When Talking Makes Things Worse! has
bolted to #4 on Amazon.com's applied psychology
bestseller list. This is at least the title's 84th week on the
list.
*Governor Jesse Ventura's I Ain't Got Time to Bleed has
appeared from Villard. It went in 24 hours from #39,826 on
amazon.com to #51 and has risen as high as #12. It was #15
on the June 13 New York Times Bestseller List. Ventura
appeared on Tonight, Today, Larry King Live, Montiel
Williams, and was featured in People.
dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
dddddddd
dddddddddd
Summer 1999
We've dumbed deviancy down.--bartender,
overheard, Whale Spout, Zuma Beach, 3/5/99
This is a terrible mistake. I used up all my
English.--Roberto Benigni, 3/21/99
We've heard that a million monkeys at a million
keyboards could produce the Complete Works of
Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we
know this is not true. -Robert Wilensky [via
VDA]
Americans spent $2 billion this year to see our
movies. That's the amount the average Olympic
official takes home in just one week!--W.G.
3/21/99
I'm writing as loud as I can.--Terry
Abrahamson, telcon, HBO 3/29/99
P.S. Haven't used Thelma [her gun] on anyone
recently, but then I've been too busy to date
much.--Amy Rowen (email)
People like energy more than accents. --anon.
NYCYC 4/12/99
I want to hear and see everything...
-- Jimi Hendrix [VIA Frank Moriarty]
J.Davis: They're a power couple, know what I
mean?
T.Zee: It's not love, it's synergy.--4/19/99,
telcon
Q: And do you think this justifies the killing
of innocent people?
A: Oh, let's see. Let me think. Yes!--The
continued on page 3
Mummy
Rita was not a meddler. She had amazing
reservoirs of indifference. There were more
things she didn't want to know than did, as far
as she could add up.--John Scott Shepherd,
Eulogy for Joseph Way
DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

A superstition is a trivialization of a myth.--Shutters

to J.T., 3/28 The man says,
She says, "That's
"Because terrible.
I haven't Why
eaten in 38
haven't
days." you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, "Because I didn't
"(My Dad told me), 'Honey, find something want my mouth to be filled with food if you should
you love to do, then figure out a way to get call."
paid for it.' I always said, 'Daddy, I'm so glad you
told me that before I learned about sex!'"--
Jewish telegram:
Kathie Lee Gifford, at a charity dinner where she
was honored as Mother of the Year [via Lori "Begin worrying. Details to
follow."
Needleman]

Don't you wish you didn't take the red pill?-- If GH is pronounced as "P" as in Hiccough
Matrix If OUGH is "O" as in Dough
If PHTH is "T" as in Phthisis
Yiddish humor [via Steve Alten]
If EIGH is "A" as in Neighbour
5759 Year according to Jewish calendar
If TTE is "T" as in Gazette
4696 Year according to Chinese calendar
If EAU is "O" as in Plateau
1063 Total number of years that Jews went without
Chinese food Then you can spell POTATO . . .
GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU. [via Tim
Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your
Hillebrandt]
wife fell out of the car 5 miles back." Sam replies,
"Thank god for that...I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
I thought the black list was me and Hattie
McDonald.Whoopi
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:

"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to
the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I
haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself", she replied.

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are

you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been
very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

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DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

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DOOR TO DOOR 72
In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his
life and to join the others copying ancient records. The first
thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand,
books that had already been copied by hand. He had to
speak up.
"Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other
copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we
know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes?
Are they ever checked against the originals?"
Father Justinian was startled! No one had ever
suggested that before.
"Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one
of these latest books down to the vault and study it against
its original document." He went deep into the vault where no
one else was allowed to enter, and started to study.
The day passed, and it was getting late in the
evening. The monks were getting worried about Father
Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through
the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he
heard sobbing.
"Father Justinian?" He called. The sobbing was
louder as he came near. He finally found the old priest
sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original
ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father
Justinian had been crying for a long time.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word
is 'celebrate'!!"
More words ain't good for anything in the world only to
bring on more argument--Will Rogers (via Patricia Gilham)
QUOTABLE QUOTES [via Graham Moes]
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me
to see him in a department store, and he asked for my
autograph. Shirley Temple
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it
would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove
that you don't need it. --Bob Hope
I know that there are people in this world who do not love
their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer
Aeionline.com aeikja@lainet.com
Summer 1999
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive
Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --
Ronnie Shakes
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is
both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is
interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --
Rod Serling
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and
stopped. --Sam Levenson
(1911-1980)
Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare
nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs
Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of
your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L.
Mencken
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad
novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton
(1874-1936)
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United
States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine
milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry
This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a
paper submitted by a physicist colleague
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register
open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is
worth more than money. --Joey Bishop
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
appreciate--Franklin P. Jones
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's
REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the
hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out
of jury duty.--Norm Crosby
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because
their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to
quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that
one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is
whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg
323-932-0407 212-217-6110 4
DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your

life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for
... You have to go outside to get something out of
you. Fran Lebowitz
the
much 'fridge...
gas it has in it...
... One of your kids was born on a pool table...
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around
... Your dad walks you to school because you are
for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken
both in the same
It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in
grade...
trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus
Ward, 1834-1867
Received from Bill Wallace. ... You think loading the dishwasher means getting
your wife drunk...

This is the last Oscar show of the millenium. I am

the last 20th Century fox and I get to host it.--
Whoopie, 3/21/99

You Know You're Trailer Trash When...

... The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has
more teeth than your
spouse.
... You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at
the dinner table in
front of her kids.
... You've been married three times and still have
the same in-laws...
... You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.
... If anyone in your family ever died right after
saying, "Hey, watch
this"
... Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
... You think the last words to The Star Spangled
Banner are,
"Gentlemen,
start your engines."
... You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
exploded right off
its
wheels.
... You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding
pictures...
... The bluebook value of your truck goes up and
down, depending on how

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DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

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DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

I didn't realize it was so hard to get a virgin off >

> >dancing rabbits
>incisive and singing
probing about
when toilet
every paper.
twelve --Rodone
minutes Serling
is
my face.--Whoopi Goldberg, 3/21/99 Academy interrupted
>> by
Award Ceremony
> >Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
woman giving
I thought the black list was me and Hattie McDonald.-- > >birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam
Whoopi Levenson
> >(1911-1980)
More words ain't good for anything in the world only to >>
bring on more argument--Will Rogers (via Patricia Gilham)
> >Television - a medium. So called because it is neither
rare nor
Impress your literary friends with these pearls of erudition. - > >well-done. --Ernie Kovacs
-Lenny
>>
****
Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of
>QUOTABLE QUOTES [via Graham Moes] your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L.
Mencken
>>
> >I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took
me to see him A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad
novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton
> >in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --
(1874-1936)
Shirley
>>
> >Temple
> >Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the
>>
United States,
> >If all the cars in the United States were placed end to
> >unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine
end, it would
milimeter
> >probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars
> >bullet. --Dave Barry
>>
>>
> >A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can
> >This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on
prove that you
a paper
> >don't need it. --Bob Hope
> >submitted by a physicist colleague
>>
>>
> >I know that there are people in this world who do not
> >Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash
love their
register open and
> >fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer
> >the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth
>> more than
> >I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive > >money. --Joey Bishop
Thinking, and then
>>
> >I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes
> >The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
appreciate--Franklin P. Jones
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is
both
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's
REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

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DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

> >Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They
> > still are!
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the >>
hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out > >The Good, Clean Funnies List: Good, clean funnies five
of jury duty.--Norm Crosby times a week,
> >FOR FREE!
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because >>
their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado
> >Send email to gcfl-info@gcfl.net for subscription
information.
> >I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me > >Or, use our web page -> http://www.gcfl.net
to quit
>>
> >going to those places. --Henny Youngman
> >Send donations or other correspondence to:
>>
> >GCFL
> >The reason there are two senators for each state is so that
one can > >Box 476

> >be the designated driver. --Jay Leno > >Harvest, AL 35749-0476

>> > >USA

> >It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is >>
whether I win > >New: Send us a fax! (256) 726-9838
> >or lose. --Darrin Weinberg >>
>> > >A cheerful heart is good medicine... Prov 17:22a
> >Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of >>
your life in
>>
> >which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for
you. --Fran
> >Lebowitz
>> ----Original Message-----
> >A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks From: McKinley, Marissa
around for a Sent: Thursday, May 20, 1999 1:03 PM
> >coffin. --H.L. Mencken To: Bergert, Sally; Belcher, Dena; Calvert, Christine;
>> Christian, Donna;
> >It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in Delp, Christine; Goldman, Rebecca; Panitz, Konstanze;
trouble. Blanca Brana

> >It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus (E-mail); Angela D'Agostino (E-mail); Keith McKinley (E-
Ward, mail); Mom & Dad

> >1834-1867 McKinley (E-mail); Carl Miller (E-mail); Mina Stein (E-
mail); Jackie
>>
Suarez (E-mail); Chris & Kim Whelan (E-mail); Kim
> >Received from Bill Wallace. Whelan (E-mail)
>> Subject: FW: All of life's mysteries are on your TV
> >-=+=-

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DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

other partever
one will of the building
think without
of looking for difficulty.
you in there and you can
travel to any
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the
---
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
Subject: All of life's mysteries are on your TV back home.

9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer,

it will

50 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF IT not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent
WEREN'T FOR THE SCREEN, will do.

ALL OF LIFE'S MYSTERIES ARE ON YOUR TV!!

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any
building in
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange Paris.

noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

11. People on TV never finish their drinks.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover

in a 12. A man will show no pain while taking the most
passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to

armpit 13. The chief of police is always wrong.
level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying
beside her.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you
take out a
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
French always be the exact
bread. fare.

5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is 15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to
someone in grow by
the control tower to talk you down. 15 cm.

6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while 16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a
scuba diving. kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding instead.
place. No

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DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to turn the steering
27. Even wheel down
when driving vigorously from left
a perfectly to right
straight every
road, it is
visit a few moments.
necessary to
strip club at least once.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of
killing them all
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their
family than 20 men firing at one.

every morning, even though the husband and children never

have time to eat 29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always
them. be closely
investigated.

19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into
flames. 30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored
by

20. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
invulnerable
to bullets. 31. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight

21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
size of a attack you one

football stadium. by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you

have knocked out
their predecessor.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him.
Just
relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon. 32. ?

23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing
the person
you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire and talk to their
weapons at an
back.
object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will
have lost this
technology. 34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your room
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
25. All single women have a cat.

35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt them.
upright and pant.

36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to

make

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DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their readouts so youare
45. All bombs know exactly
fitted when they're
with electronic going
timing to go with
devices off.
total opposite. large red
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak you are
English to each visiting.
other.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or bullets, just
criminal damage throw the gun away. You can always find a new one.
despite laying entire cities to waste.

48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal
gravity
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been
system is never damaged. suspended from
duty.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will
coincide with
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and bump into
phone lines in the
will know all the steps.
vicinity.

41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely

to need one.

42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill Stuff You Really Should Know
their
arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
pulley systems, "screeched."
deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
their captives at "mt".
least 20 minutes to escape. Almonds are members of the peach family.
The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget
their son's
The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
eighth birthday.
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments

and The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in
the English language.
accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

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DOOR TO DOOR 72
"Underground" is the only word in the English language
that begins and ends with the letters "und."
There are only four words in the English language which
end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and
hazardous.
The longest word in the English language, according to
the Oxford English Dictionary, is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikima
ung-ahoronukupokaiwenuakitnatahu, a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora
la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be
abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was
eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions
have the same pattern of whiskers.
Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in
the book
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Aeionline.com aeikja@lainet.com
Summer 1999
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great
pharaoh Ramses II, who fathered over 160 children.
There is a seven-letter word in the English language that
contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
"therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein,
herein.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.
John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John
Larroquette Show," was the narrator of "The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre."
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a
fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy
moth from 1.8 miles away. (But does he CALL? NO-O-O-
O-O-O...)
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy
Bezopasnosti.
'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed
with only the left hand.
To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court
swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine
different ways; the following sentence contains them all: "A
rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode
through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a
slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating
a letter is uncopyrightable.
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DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing
arsenic." X-Mailer: AOL 4.0 for Windows 95 sub 214
Reply-To: LAMITCH123@aol.com

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the

Australian seal for that reason.

> This short story is very much worth reading whether you
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only "get something
have about ten. > out
> >of it" or just have a smile. IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY AT
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian THE MOMENT, NOW IS
phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead." > THE
> >PERFECT TIME TO READ IT!
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the >>
days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The
horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how > > The American businessman was at the pier of a small
to walk up straight staircases. coastal Mexican
> >village when a small boat with just one fisherman
docked. Inside the
The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the highest-
rated American program in the history of Korean television. > small
"Chachi" is Korean for "penis." > >boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American
complimented

nteresting, don't you think, all of you superachievers out > the
there. > >Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it
took to

Best, > catch

Tom > >them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The
American then
Return-path: LAMITCH123@aol.com
> asked why
From: LAMITCH123@aol.com
> >didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The
Full-name: LAMITCH123 Mexican said he
Message-ID: <3ab83abb.2450a6a6@aol.com> > had
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 12:21:58 EDT > >enough to support his family's immediate needs. The
Subject: Great Story. Hope U Enjoy It. LM American then

To: JCSC396@aol.com, Ijffrench@aol.com, > asked,

TheGerbs@aol.com, > >but what do you do with the rest of your time? The
glhanseth@inetarena.com, mhatten@ksix.com, Mexican fisherman
dkleeman@cttel.net, > said,
jpiva@mail01.adm.duke.edu, > >"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take
HANDMRICH@aol.com, DrTKStern@aol.com, siesta with
RTT208@aol.com > my

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DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

> >right you would announce an IPO and sell your

> >wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I company
> is stock to the
sip wine > public
> and play > >and become very rich, you would make millions!"
> >guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, >>
senor."
> > "Millions, senor? Then what?"
>>
>>
> > The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could
help you. You > > The American said, "Then you would retire, move to a
small coastal
> should
> >fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little,
> >spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a play with
bigger boat, with
> your
> the
> >kids, take siesta with your wife, and stroll to the village
> >proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several in the
boats, eventually
> evenings
> you
> >where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your
> >would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling amigos!"
your catch to
>a
> >middleman you would sell directly to the
processor,eventually opening
> your
> >own cannery. You would control the product, processing
and MDW: We're having our ups and downs.
> distribution. KJA: Maritally?
> >You would need to leave this small coastal fishing
MDW: No! We drink too much for that to
village and move
happen.--3/21/99, E. 2nd Street
> > to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you
will run your
You're the only one I know that can get seven laughs out of
> >expanding enterprise."
a raspberry.--3/18/99, Smith & Wollensky's
>>
> > The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long
"... The most ingenious trick of the twentieth century is how
will this all
women made men think they're more in touch with their
> take?" feelings than we are."--JSS, Eulogy
>>
> > To which the American replied, "15-20 years." Thought you might like a copy of this email I received:
>>
> > "But what then, senor," asked the fisherman. After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple
decided that enough was enough (they couldn't afford a
>>
double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also
> > The American laughed and said, "That's the best part! treated mules) and told him that he and his cousin (wife)
When the time didn't want to have anymore children.

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DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

try to help you, but I've got to help these folks

The
first,agent replied,
and I'm "I'm be
sure we'll sorry sir.to I'll
able work be something
happy to
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a out."
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in
Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so
to his ear and count to 10. The Arkansas man said to the
doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you
putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going have any idea who I am?"
to help."

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed

So the couple drove to Mississippi to get a second opinion.
The Mississippi physician was just about to tell them the
procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from
Arkansas. The doctor instead told the man to go home, get a
cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear
and count to 10.
Figuring both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man
went home, lit the cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the beer can up to his ear and began to count,
"1,2,3,4,5....." at which time he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
[via Jim Pratt]
her public address microphone. "May I have your
attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at
the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone
can
help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing
hysterically, the man glared at the United agent,
gritted his teeth and swore, "F___ you!"

Meg82159@aol.com
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry,
sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The Gate Agent [via Rob Kaplan]

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent

in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her
point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
> A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest
deserved to fly as cargo.
buffalo. When
> the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent back
was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. > that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
herd
> as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the whole group
desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and > keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest
said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be members.
FIRST CLASS." >
> In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the

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DOOR TO DOOR 72 Summer 1999

> slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all

know, kills
> brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain
> cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the
> weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient
> machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers. [via Steve Alten]
>

"What about the house," Joe said. "The house down

in Stow that my father bought for you?"
She pulled back, squinting. "What house?" she
laughed. "he gave me a ring once, a silver ring he bought at
some convention."
"But not a house," Joe said flatly.
"I would've remembered that."--Shepherd,
EulogyHer husband has been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, yet his faithful wife has stayed
by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have
been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired,
you were there
to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you gave me support. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked very gently.

"I think you're bad luck."

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Return Address BULK RATE

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