1

Some of the techniques within this book are sexually and emotionally powerful.

Although these techniques and activities can have dramatically positive effects
on your (and your wifes) physical and emotional well-being, people that have
high blood pressure, heart disease or a generally weak condition should proceed
slowly. If necessary, consult a physician before implementing any included
techniques.

Nothing within this publication should be considered medical advice.

She Loves God, Me AndSex! is a publication of SPI Publications.

Additional copies of this publication can be obtained at:

www.achristiansexsite.com

Copyright 2007-2008. All rights are reserved and no reproduction or

distribution of this publication can be made without express written authorization
of the authors.

2
 Table of Contents

Introduction: Youre Not Alone

Chapter One: First Things First: Its a Relationship Thing

Chapter Two: Communication is Great Foreplay

Chapter Three: Light a Candle, Things are about to become Romantic

Chapter Four: When Shes an Emotional Mess and You Soon Will Be

Chapter Five: Variety is Spicy in the Christian Marriage Too

Chapter Six: Understanding Women and Sex

Chapter Seven: Learning to Value the Sexual Relationship

Chapter Eight: Brought Together as One but Still Facing Differences

Chapter Nine: Were all Physically, Mentally, and Sexually Challenged

Chapter Ten: When Your Surroundings Dont Scream Sex

Chapter Eleven: Wash Away Your Guilt

Chapter Twelve: Who (or what) are you both bringing to Bed?

Chapter Thirteen: The Aging Man & Woman

Chapter Fourteen: When Faith Stands in (or in the way) of Bliss

Chapter Fifteen: And finally, its back to you

Conclusion

3
 Introduction

You are not Alone

When your wife isnt in the mood to have sex, it can be a defining moment in the

relationship when it happens more than once. You begin to feel let down and you also

feel as if she is letting you down. You may even feel unattractive and like no other man

in the world could possibly understand what you are going through at the time.

You are not alone! This book is evidence that many other Christian husbands have found

themselves struggling with their wives low sex desire. Susan and I began researching

this book after receiving hundreds of letters from male readers that were struggling with

this issue.

We discovered theres definitely a problem and it is more widespread than we ever

imagined. This isnt something husbands dont want advertised and it affects many

mennot just the Christian male!

This is not a problem to be taken lightly. In many cases, the lack of frequent and fulfilling

sex can lead to divorce. The lack of a sexually fulfilling relationship can lead to marital

dissatisfaction and frustration. In many cases, it leads to guilt. The couple will have

tremendous guilt. The husband will feel guilty because he expects his wife to perform

and, in some cases, the wife will feel guilty because she doesnt feel sexually stimulated

to engage in sex with her husband. The circle becomes a vicious cycle of let-downs, guilt,

and sometimes even anger.

4
A husbands self-esteem is negatively affected when his wife isnt sexually charged or

appears to have lost interest in sex. It is difficult to feel loved and accepted when you feel

rejected by your wife sexually. This low self-esteem can lead to other emotional

problems such as depression. Naturally, when a man or woman is depressed, their sex

drive decreases creating even more problems in the marriage.

Many husbands express feeling guilty because they desire sex more often than their

wives. They are concerned that there is something morally wrong with them for having

this sexual desire. They ask, Isnt it wrong for me to want sex this badly? In many

cases this guilt comes from a deep seeded misunderstanding of sexuality within the

Christian marriage. It is OK for the married Christian man to want and need sex. It is OK

for him to like sex and initiate it.

Some men express shame; Obviously, there must be something wrong with me if my

wife isnt interested in sex as often as I am, right? The fact that a man has a strong sex

drive isnt always interpreted in a positive light and some women (though not as many

today as in years past); view this as abnormal behavior from the Christian husband.

Many times, even in the Christian marriage, the lack of a sexually fulfilling relationship

can lead to sin. Despite the best intentions, even the most disciplined husbands can find

themselves tempted to fulfill their sexual needs and desires in ways that are less than

ideal: pornography, adultery, and physical or emotional affairs.

5
This is something that Christian women dont think about when they are denying their

husbands sex. After all, their husbands are good, honorable, Christian men. They arent

the type of men to go out and seek an affair outside the marriage. However, they arent

thinking of their husbands in a sexual light and they do not understand his needs as being

equivalent to their own.

In some cases, the Christian woman would be absolutely astonished to know how

important sex is in her marriage. In many cases, she would be very surprised to know

how tempted his husband has been by the possibility of exploring his other options when

sex has been turned off at the source!

Christian men and women have desires, needs, wants, and sexual expectations within the

sexual parameters of the marriage and when those needs arent being met by either party,

the mind begins to wonder why. The wonderful news is that in many cases where the

females sexual desire is low, it can be solved! With a little bit of knowledge and

strategy, husbands can learn how to overcome their wives lack of sexual interest quickly

and easily. It can be fun, challenging, and rewarding for the Christian man to reinvent the

wheel and get his wifes sexual desire spinning again!

I wrote this book for the man who is, like me, in love with his wife. I wrote it from the

perspective of the Christian man who is deeply interested in sex with his Christian wife.

You wont be judged or chided at any point in this book. Although you are critical to

6
solving this problem, it is not your fault. You are not necessarily struggling with this

problem because there is something wrong with you, spiritually, mentally, or physically.

So, relax and allow us to help you. We are on your side. We dont believe that you should

feel guilty or ashamed. Your desire for a healthy and frequent sex life is perfectly normal

and blessed by God.

In fact, scripturally, the fundamental purpose of marriage is to provide a God blessed

context for us to express our sexual needs and desires. Most Christians, if asked the

purpose of marriage would say, To have children. In Genesis, God tells Adam and Eve

to be fruitful and multiply. However, most of the other references to the intended

purposes of marriage are related to sex. Still, this isnt the only purpose for marriage.

We are thrilled to have the opportunity to help so many Christian couples with such an

important area of their relationship. We appreciate you for giving us an opportunity to

help you and your relationship. We hope you will not only find the material within these

pages helpful but will also be able to learn a little more about yourself, your spouse, and

your marriage.

There is something sacred about the marriage bed and so we dont want to be intrusive

but we do want to provide answers to a problem we think is too big to ignore. My wife,

Susan, and I know men are not always comfortable in talking about their wifes lack of

sexual desire. Weve read the letters from the men who feel as if they have been

7
dismissed by their Christian wives and we know many of them would never take their

problems to a marriage counselor or even their pastor. After all, the sexual relationship

between man and wife is private.

The Christian husband protects his wife and never embarrasses her so we know how

difficult it can be to take a sexual problem with your wife to an outside source for

advisement. This is why we are dedicated to giving you some ideas to spice up your

marriage when your wife isnt in the mood while providing you with information to help

you better understand why your wife may not be in the mood as much as you are.

In the past ten years, weve seen God perform countless miracles in hundreds of

relationships. We are humbled by the many blessings weve experienced and feel

honored by the fact we have been able to bring you information we hope you can and

have used in your relationship.

Before we move on, lets say a prayer..

God, our Father, Creator of all things, including our sexuality, please help us to

strengthen our marriages through increased knowledge, wisdom, and love. We desire to

experience our sexuality within our marriages as you intended for us. Please give us the

patience, wisdom, and love that will be necessary to transform our marriages into

passionate, loving and sexually charged relationships. Amen.

8
This book will help you understand your spouse better while showing you how you can

find the fire that burns between the two of you again on a physical, emotional, and

spiritual level. Now, gentlemen, it is time to begin our journey. Susan and I want to help

you improve your sex life with your wives. Its time for you to learn What Ever Christian

Husband Must Know To Bring Back The Sex To His Marriage

9
 Chapter One

First Things FirstIts a Relationship Thing

One of the most surprising things that we have discovered in our role as sexual advisors

is that most sex problems have nothing to do with sex. Most sex problems are

actually relationship problems. If the relationship has some issues which need to be

addressed, ultimately, the sexual relationship between the Christian husband and wife can

have some problems as well.

While many couples like to think if they have great sex, they have a great relationship, as

a rule, a great relationship usually leads to great sex. However, great sex does not

necessarily lead to a great relationship. It is almost impossible to fix bad sex within a bad

or failing relationship. Consequently, you should first determine if there are any glaring

relationship issues that you need to address before you attempt to fix the sexual

relationship.

Im often amazed by some of the letters that flow in about the Christian marriage and the

relationship between couples. It is surprising to me when a couple will send us letters and

explain all of this animosity between them and yet complain because they have such a

bad sex life. If the relationship is bad, the sex isnt going to be great because there is no

10
reason for sex to be good when there are unsettled feelings that should be resolved before

sex is fulfilling again.

It doesnt take a rocket scientist to understand the concept. If the relationship needs to be

repaired, the sexual desire will not be anything more than lust (if at all) even in the

Christian marriage and it will not be viewed with the highest level of contentment or

fulfillment.

There are many issues that can come into play when a woman isnt in the mood to have

sex with her husband. Some of these can be resolved quickly while sometimes, especially

if there is an underlying relationship problem, things may take some time to repair. For

many Christian men who are just beginning to face the wife who is seldom in the mood

for intimacy, the warning signs may point to specific reasons why his wife isnt in the

mood. However, it sometimes takes a lot of time to understand what to do about the wife

who isnt in the mood and isnt getting in the mood by anything her husband is willing to

do!

When your wife isnt in the mood to have sex with you on one occasion, you shouldnt be

alarmed. However, when your wife isnt in the mood most of the time, it may be time for

you to evaluate your relationship with your wife. This isnt to say you should evaluate

your relationship and look for a way out of the relationship.

11
As the bible verse states, What God joined together let no man put asunder. It is a verse

you should not only read but should also believe and work toward preserving. In other

words, you shouldnt be ready to sabotage your own relationship just because there are a

few clouds hanging over the sexual joy in your marriage.

There are several things the Christian husband can do to enhance the sexual relationship

with his wife. However, the wife must be willing to be an active participant and if she

isnt then it is time to talk about the relationship more than the sexual desire lacking from

the relationship. Be willing to find out what is wrong. See if your wife has a viewpoint

she will share with you.

God wants the Christian couple to have a solid, loving relationship based on nurturing,

caring, sharing, respect, and their faith in him. He also planned for the Christian marriage

to experience the compassionate, passionate power of sex. It is believed by many

Christians, myself included, the best sexual experience you will ever have in your life is

through the embodiment of married Christian sex between man and wife. The reason is

because through marriage is the only way a sexual relationship should ever occur.

Through the Christian marriage, the sexual relationship is blessed.

In a Christian sexual relationship, fulfillment is spiritual, loving and best of all, truly

beautiful through this expression of love. When God brings two people together in

marriage, the sexual relationship only strengthens the love the married couple feels for

one another. Their relationship finds a higher meaning.

12
Sex is intended to bring together man and wife as one and it is stated as such in the Bible.

However, it can also tear a couple apart even when the marriage is a Christian marriage.

An active and sexually charged Christian marriage is a marriage full of understanding

and love. Still, the Christian couple who doesnt realize the importance of sex in a

marriage can be inviting an entirely different attitude into the marriage. When a different

attitude is invited into the marriage, the door is wide open to temptation.

A good relationship which is sexually blessed is one that outsiders would view as a happy

Christian marriage. On the inside, you and your spouse feel happy and content within the

marriage and neither feel as if something is missing but if both adults arent happy

within the sexual parameters of the marriage, things can be difficult or strained. A

marriage which is strained is one which invites in outside pleasures of the world without

even realizing it.

If you are facing a problem with sexual bliss in your marriage, you have to first look at

the relationship. Think about your entire relationship without sex first. After all, this is

where your relationship hopefully began. It began with the two of you being introduced.

From there you became friends perhaps and then later realized there was a romantic

connection. Go back to that time in your life. Revisit the relationship without sex and try

to remember what it was you liked so much about your wife without the pressures of sex.

13
In our first materials on the subject of Christian sex, we stressed the importance of sex in

a marriage. We even received feedback from some of our readers who thought we

perhaps put too much stress on couples to participate in sex. In Corinthians, sex is listed

as a responsibility in the Christian marriage and we discussed this in our first materials. 1

Corinthians 7:3 states: The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and

likewise the wife to her husband.

Both the husband and the wife have a duty to fulfill the sexual desires of their spouse.

Corinthians is one book of the Bible that the Christian couple experiencing trials and

tribulations should read together. Through various passages, the importance of sex within

the marriage is very obvious. It is Gods will for married couples in his will to enjoy sex

together and to partake in the act of sex as a married couple.

When your wife isnt in the mood, as her husband, you must feel frustrated and it can not

only put a burden on your marriage but it can also place a strain on how you feel toward

your wife. This book is going to look at some of those issues and how we can help you

make your marriage stronger by reintroducing sex back into your marriage.

It is Gods Will

It is Gods will for your wife to have sex with you. It is Gods will for you to have sex

with your wife. The Bible teaches us in Corinthians that married couples should not

deprive one another from the other ones body. When one part of the Christian couple is

not interested in sex, he or she is depriving the other one and ultimately, opening up the

marriage for sin.

14
When your wife isnt having sex with you because she isnt emotionally or physically

interested in participating in sex with you, she isnt in Gods will according to scripture.

Now, some people will raise their eyebrows to this but it is true. Still, the Christian wife

is obligated to have sex with her Christian husband and vice versa.

You will not find it written in scripture, Have sex with your husband when you are

overcome with desire because it isnt there. A Christian wife is expected to have sex

with her husband and he is expected to have sex with his wife regardless of desire.

What many people dont understand is the fact that it doesnt matter if you want to have

sex with your wife or if she wants to have sex with you. It is her responsibility to have

sex with you because she is obligated to do so as your wife. However, there will be times

when she may not want to fulfill her duty to you and there may be a few things you can

do to help her overcome her lack of desire if she appears to be struggling with sex.

I am Supportive

There are several things I do to make sure my wife is interested in me. I do these things

because I want to be supportive of her and I want her to find me attractive. I want to

appeal to her sexually. Still, I know there is absolutely no way I could do this if our

relationship wasnt where it needed to be. Perhaps I could offer a few things to her from

the list below but the whole package would be very difficult to provide if our relationship

was on the rocks.

15
I am a supportive husband. Additionally, I feel there are several things I do to keep my

wife interested in me. Well take a look at these points and then discuss each

independently. This is how I keep my wife interested in me:

I am supportive

I make sure Im available

We enjoy uninhibited sex

I am creative

My husband enjoys a passionate wife and I am very passionateabout him

I am sensual

When it comes to my husband, I put him first because I am unselfish

I am self-Pleasure Seeking

He needs me to be responsive and I enjoy meeting his need

Im open with himcareful to conceal nothing from him

Im honest with him and about our relationship

I am loving because he is easy to love

By being supportive, I am not talking about sex. I am talking about in everything my wife

does. I support her in whatever she dares to be, accomplish, or dream and I know she

finds that attribute very appealing.

16
Im also available. If my wife wants me, I am available body, mind, and soul. All she has

to do is let me know she needs me and I am right there for her in whatever capacity she

needs.

Third, Im uninhibited with my wife sexually. Im never reserved or shy because I am

with my wife. We have a wonderful sexual relationship and I know it is because I can

contribute a wild side to our marriage and she too, is unreserved with me. Susan and I

feel that being uninhibited is what keeps our passion alive and will continue to keep

things interesting for us as a married Christian couple.

We are also very creative as a sexual couple. We enjoy trying new things. We arent

confined to the bed or to an overstuffed chair and a quickie is always welcome if we are

both in the mood!

Passion is another crucial ingredient to a happy marriage. I am so very passionate about

my wife. I see her as the perfect woman. She isnt perfect, of course and Im sure you

would point some imperfections out to me if I gave you the chance from the physical

perspective. However, for me, I think she is perfect. When you are passionate about your

wife, it is very easy to be sensual with her because she brings out the sensuality in you.

Another trait I believe I have with my wife is the ability to be unselfish. I am willing to

be unselfish with her in all things. In the context of sexuality, I find I will be open to

doing whatever she wants sexually because I want to please her and generally, if

17
something is pleasing to her, it stimulates my desire for my wife even more. Most of the

things we experience together will add variety and the spice we crave from one another.

By being unselfish and willing to try new things, she appreciates my willingness to please

her and I benefit as well.

Self-pleasure seeking is something that is also very important for a relationship. A man

needs to tell his wife what feels good to him. It is OK for you to provide her with a road

map if needed because women arent able to know what feels good to you unless you

express it through groans, moans, further instructions, further movement of your hand on

hers to demonstrate, and verbal indications.

I am also responsive to my wife and she appreciates when I am compassionate with her

and her needs. Often, men forget that their wife has feelings too. When your wife isnt in

the mood, this is something you need to remember. There may be something she is trying

to tell you and there may be some needs she needs you to meet. Find out what those are

and then react appropriately.

Finally, my wife wants me to be honest, open, and loving. This is something that is

crucial in a marriage. If you dont have the ability to be honest, open, and loving with

your Christian wife, you cant expect her to do the same. Eventually, this may be an area

which can drive a wedge in between you and your spouse.

18
When the Relationship isnt Appealing

The above list gives you an idea of what I feel is important in a marriage. I know my wife

feels it is important in a marriage too because weve talked about it. Communication is

Gods gift to you as a married couple because it allows husband and wife to explain what

they need in and really from the relationship.

If you and your wife have a decline in passion and his sexual desire doesnt seem to be as

important as it used to be, it may be time to look at the relationship. If your wife isnt in

the mood and she isnt making any effort to get in the mood, it may not be the sex in the

relationship thats the problem, it may be the relationship.

There are several things that can turn your wife off and these things are in your control.

Although most of us like to think we can turn our wives on, there are a lot of things that

can really turn our wives off. The turn-offs can lead to big relationship problems for her

and you may be unaware that there is anything wrong in the marriage.

One of the biggest turn-offs in a relationship is nagging. If you are nagging your wife

about the things she should or shouldnt do, you cant expect her to want to go to the

bedroom and immediately turn it all off just so she can have a quick roll in the hay with

you or what some refer to as a quickie. Understand, she isnt interested because you

havent done anything to get her interested and in fact, youve probably done everything

you can to make her lose interest without even realizing it.

19
Think about it from your wifes point of view for a moment. You come home from work;

she has dinner on the stove and the baby in the high chair. She asks about your day and

you tell her about a very trying day where your boss was a jerk (again), the bills are

piling up because she isnt working out of the home, and you really wish that she had

made your favorite meal instead of what she did make. After about thirty minutes, you

have everything off your chest and she chokes down her meal as you continue to gripe

through dinner.

After dinner, you leave her with the dishes while you play on the computer, return to the

kitchen (where the griping originally began) to kiss her neck and find her unresponsive.

WHO could blame her? This my friends, can be the harsh reality of marriage.

Men sometimes dont realize what they are doing and they dont view it as a turn-off and

then they cant understand why their wives no longer view them as sexual creatures.

Sometimes women even see their husbands becoming like a grumpy old man.

Nagging is a turn-off and many of the readers who wrote to us also said the constant

complaining they heard from their husbands made it impossible to feel loving toward

them at the end of the day. When a husband is very unhappy, he cant expect his wife to

make him feel better by kissing away the blues. In fact, your wife may even be afraid to

approach you with the idea of sex if she has only heard you complaining about

everything for the last few hours or days. Women, like men, do not like to be rejected.

20
You have to view things from her point of view. If you have been enraged, or at least in a

very bad mood, why risk giving you the look or initiating sex when the response could

very well be the equivalent to, Have you not heard anything Ive just said? Im tired, the

bills are huge, my boss is a jerk and yet, now you want sex from me? How

inconsiderate.

This is something men dont always think about. If they have complained about work,

about the kids, about the housework, and everything in between it may not be the wife

who is fully to blame for the lack of sexual desire. Nagging and complaining, after all,

isnt considered sensual or sexy and even if your wife initiated sex with you, chances are,

it could be very bad sex. Remember, sex can be bad and uneventful when the relationship

is on a decline or on unsteady ground.

Still, some men dont view their own nagging and complaining as a turn-off for their wife

and many still want to know why they arent able to entice their wife and ignite her

sexual desire. There are ways to make yourself more appealing to your wife and if you

want to have her undivided attention, it is possible to achieve again but you have to go

back to the beginning and figure out what it is you liked about her and what she liked

about you in the beginning. In other words, revisit the basics!

Men and women are very different. This is obvious in more ways than one. A man

expects a woman to get over having her feelings hurt and he expects her to forgive him

but sometimes, there are things that a woman will find hurtful and she will have a hard

21
time just snapping out of it. When your wife harbors problems within the relationship or

remains mad at you for something in the past, it makes it hard for her to want to have a

sexual relationship with you.

There are so many reasons a woman may not want to have sex with her husband and if

you find yourself in this predicament, it is upsetting. You have to quickly become

proactive to figure out what it is you have done (if anything) so you can repair the

relationship. You become the one interested in putting fire back into the marriage so you

have to be the one to ignite it.

Believe it or not, if you dont move to rebuild your marriage when it appears to be in

trouble, it is possible your wife wont resume her role as your Christian wife and become

interested in sex again all on her own. Sadly, this can lead to sin and then the relationship

problems intensify.

Without a good, solid Christian relationship with God and with your wife, sin can creep

in. When a marriage relationship suffers, the sexual relationship is hindered too. The

relationship is the foundation of the marriage but sexual desire is an important part of the

marriage as well. While sex is Gods gift to you, it is also your duty to one another to

have sex within your marriage. However, without a good relationship with your wife, you

probably wont be interested in giving into sexual desires with your wife because you

wont have them. Men, this works both ways.

22
If your wife doesnt feel close to you, if she doesnt feel connected to you then she may

not be interested in you sexually. While sex may be on your mind often, especially if you

arent having sex with your wife, the fact remains you have a relationship problem to fix

in many cases before you can expect your wife to offer you more.

It is time to get to the root of the problem. However, before you begin to try to repair

what you dont really understand, take your problems, worries and concerns to God in

prayer and ask for guidance. A relationship problem can be repaired through Gods help

and when you fix the relationship, you may find you strengthen it. In turn, you will

hopefully recharge the passion you and your husband once held for one another.

23
 Chapter Two

Communication is Great Foreplay

In the last chapter, we looked at the relationship. We discussed some things I feel is

important to my marriage. This was so you could take a look at some of the things my

husband finds attractive about me. How do I know he finds these traits irresistible? The

reason is because weve talked about them. The list we discussed are things she cant

resist because these focuses draw her to me. She feels comfortable with me and

connected on many different levels.

Now, it is time to begin looking for ways to put that extra spark back into your marriage.

One of the best ways to do this is through open communication. You cant start to rebuild

the good relationship you once had with your wife if you arent communicating with her.

Once you begin communicating again, there will be a lot you can talk about and one of

the things you can talk about is how to put that spark back into your sex life!

Using the list from Chapter One, Id like for you to think about some of the

characteristics I mention as important for the Christian husband to provide to his

Christian wife. Lets go through them quickly again and this time, ask yourself if you are

all of these things to your husband:

Are you supportive and available?

24
 Are you uninhibited, creative, passionate and sensual?

Are you unselfish yet self-pleasure seeking?

Are you responsive and open to her needs?

Are you honest and loving?

Keep in mind, there will be other items you can add to my list for your own benefit and

for your wifes benefit. You know him better than anyone else so you know what she

expects from you as her husband. There is one other requirement to add to the list and it

is of course, open, honest, and frequent communication. Without it, youll find it difficult

to relay your needs to your wife and youll find it isnt easy to discover what she wants,

needs and expects from you as her husband.

Before the Pillow Talk

The time to talk about what is wrong in your marriage may not be right before you plan

on initiating sex. You are expecting too much from your wife. The idea is to talk on

common ground where your wife will feel comfortable about talking to you and feel non-

threatened by the conversation.

When sex is a problem in your marriage and you feel let down by it, the first thing you

need to do is pray. As the Christian husband, you should feel compelled to take all of

your troubles to God. When you can take your problems to God and talk to him about the

problems you face, youll find the right words to say to your wife.

25
Your wife needs to feel that you are approaching her in a supportive way when you talk

to her about the lack of sex in your marriage. You dont want to approach her in a

threatening way and you most likely will not want her to know how disappointed you are

in the relationship.

By taking a compassionate approach, you will be able to lead your wife into a loving

conversation about your marriage and hopefully be able to discuss what it is she feels is

holding her back from you. Once you do decide to talk to your wife, you must be willing

to listen to what she says and learn from her and from the conversation.

In some of the letters we received from readers, we discovered many of the wives were

afraid to approach sex with their husbands because of an inferiority complex they

developed. They wanted to open up to their husbands but were unable to do so because of

some underlying problem. This is where a Christian man encouraging his wife can make

a difference.

When you sit down and talk with your wife, you want to ask her what she wants from

you as her husband. Explain to her you are there to encourage her and support her. I try to

support my wife in every way and this is something she appreciates. If you arent having

sex with your wife it may because of various issues but one thing needs to remain a

constant in the relationship. Your wife needs to know you are very supportive of her. You

can let her know this through showing her and you can communicate this to her as well.

26
Through a supportive Christian husband, a Christian wife becomes more supportive,

caring, and compassionate.

When Christian couples stop having a sexual relationship, there could be a variety of

reasons. When sex is non-existent, it could be one or two things that caused your wifes

interest to decline or it could be several things that took away her interest. Take a look at

some of the things we read in the letters we received:

Shes not interested in sex with me

Im not pleasing to her in a sexual way

I dont want to hurt my husband

I dont think of my husband in a sexual way

I think ugly thoughts about my husbands private parts

I feel Im in a loveless relationship

Im stressed out

He doesnt listen to me

Theres no variety so whats the point

We are just too busy

I would rather watch a dirty movie than to make love to my husband

Hes put on too much weight

I cant please or satisfy him

Hes oversexed and I find that repulsive

He doesnt understand or value me as his wife

27
 Our marriage isnt a priority

Hes too eager to please and it turns me off

My vagina doesnt seem interested but I am

Im addicted to porn and just not interested in my husband

He makes me feel inadequate financially

We only have sex in the missionary position so it lost its appeal

My health is bad

Im depressed

The kids might hear us

You may be thinking to yourself, Wow, thats some list and just so you know, this list

is the very short version. There are a variety of issues and problems that exist in many

marriages. Finding out the issues and concerns your wife faces within your marriage is

going to be crucial and it may or may not be on the list above. However, the items above

will give you a starting point when you begin to talk to your wife.

Some of the letters we received from Christian wives were heart wrenching because some

of these women had nowhere to turn. One woman wrote to us about a problem with

sexual desire for her husband who had battled depression ongoing throughout their

relationship. She had decided sex wasnt an important part of the relationship and they

did not have a sexual relationship. He found outside relief through dirty magazines and

eventually began to watch porn. Later, the marriage didnt appeal to him and his wife

28
didnt either. By the time she realized the importance of sex in the relationship, it was too

late. He left her.

This is the extreme but it does happen. Even the most loving Christian wives can find

themselves all alone when sex stops and the Christian husband begins to look outside the

marriage for fulfillment. This is why Susan and I have taken on such a commitment to

counsel married couples on the important of sex in the Christian marriage. We know it is

important. Sex isnt the only focus in a marriage, in any marriage, but it is a very

important entity within the marriage if you and your wife are to ever find a happy,

fulfilling, and committed relationship.

Communication in any relationship is essential too because without communication, you

can not expect to overcome whatever troubles you discover in your marriage. If you can

not communicate your desires to your wife, she may feel as if you are the one with little

interest in sex. At the same time, if she isnt communicating her desires with you, then

you may feel like she has little interest in sex.

As you can see from the list of complaints above, there are many reasons a Christian wife

may choose to ignore sex in the relationship. Your job is to find out why your wife has

lost interest in the sexual side of your relationship. This is something you can do.

In some cases, your wife may not recognize the lack of sex in the relationship. Perhaps

she doesnt realize how long it has been or maybe she is so depressed, tired, or stressed

29
out that sexual desire hasnt crossed her mind. Still, if you are stressed out because you

are not being fulfilled in a sexual way by your wife, it is worthy of mention. You should

never feel guilty for wanting your wife or for wanting to discuss anything with her about

your relationship.

If she doesnt know how to communicate her feelings or if either of you consider the

discussion of sex as taboo you will not be able to discover what it is that the other one

wants. Sometimes a Christian woman would feel more compelled to talk to her husband

about marriage and sex if the Christian husband would simply open up the topic for

discussion.

You are going to be the initiator of the conversation if your marriage has reached the

point where your wife isnt interested in having sex with you. The responsibility of

saving your marriage will lie on your shoulders if sex is no longer in your marriage. If

your wife isnt interested and you are left feeling empty inside because of it, then it may

be time for you to really open up and insist on talking about it.

There are very few things you can do to encourage your wife to talk about sex if she

really believes discussing it is taboo. However, if you find she isnt interested in talking

about it, find out if she will consider listening as you talk about it. Let him know that you

view sex as an important part of your marriage. You have that obligation and even though

your wife has an obligation to you, she may not see that her lack of interest is a problem

for you. Remember, some Christian women still believe their husbands arent as

30
interested in sex and some, unfortunately, still believe it is a husbands duty or sex is

meant for the main purpose and goal of being fruitful and multiplying. This is a sad

reality for some men who would then be expected to suppress desires.

Before you begin talking to your wife, ask her to pray with you and both of you ask God

for guidance before you begin to lay out your concerns. Tell your wife what you need

from her and from your marriage and be sure to ask her what her expectations are as well.

Below, you find some tips to open up the lines of communication:

First, you need to be gentle when you tell her that you find sex an important part

of your marriage.

Take a moment to see how she views your sex life and if she seems uninterested

in talking about it, then move on.

Explain to her that you want to have an open, honest, supportive marriage and ask

her if she feels you have failed in the area of anything she views as important.

Put her on the spot by asking her if she feels you are the problem and be ready to

take the responsibility if she does feel it is your fault that she isnt interested.

Listen to what she thinks may be the reason the two of you can not find intimacy.

Whatever you do, remember as a Christian husband you dont want to take things too

personally. If she tells you that you are always nagging and complaining, ask her to find a

way to forgive you and tell her you will work on improving. Ask her for suggestions.

31
Dont retaliate by saying something like, I find your snoring repulsive but I still would

like to have sex with you. That typically doesnt work.

Understand that women are from a different mindset in many different ways. If she tells

you that she really thought everything was OK then understand that she really thought

everything was OK. In her mind, everything really was OK. Sometimes, men, you have

to simply understand that women are really from Venus and very starry-eyed when it

comes to understanding their husbands.

Do not take your focus off of the goal. Your focus should be to open up the lines of

communication and find out why the two of you are no longer engaging in a sexually

fulfilling relationship. Once your wife finds a way to open up, if she does, you have to be

willing to listen to what she is telling you.

Its Not worth the Effort

Anyone in a Christian marriage knows how valuable their relationship is with their wife.

The Christian husband understands he is fortunate to have a wife who loves God and

respects his wife because of who she is not only as a person but who she is as a Christian.

He respects his wife.

The respect a Christian man feels for his wife is often why it is hard for him to talk to her

about the lack of desire he feels from her. Some Christian men feel guilty when they find

32
their wife isnt meeting their needs sexually which makes it even harder for him to talk to

her about his needs as a man.

When a man feels sex isnt worth the effort, his wife will feel it. Sometimes, by the time

the husband decides he misses the close relationship with his wife, he feels it isnt worth

the effort or fears he will be imposing sex on his wife who perhaps has no interest. While

men dont necessarily like to take on the responsibility that their sex life declined and it

could have been their fault, often a sexless marriage was initiated through the Christian

husband sending out wrong signals.

When one or both individuals feel sex isnt worth the effort, sex becomes a thing of the

past and loses its value on the surface. However, the problem is still there and considered

a basic need that isnt being met within the marriage. Christians need to understand that

this is where sin can creep into a marriage. Regardless of how much the couple places

God at the center of their marriage and regardless of how much the husband or wife loves

the other one, without sex in the marriage, sin is invited in.

Sex is on Your Terms and Shes Tired of It

Some women like to initiate sex with their husbands. Some Christian women feel they

would like to initiate sex with their husband and others feel it should definitely be

initiated by either party when it is something the other needs or wants. However, if your

wife no longer responds to your needs and isnt at all receptive, there may be another

reason. It may be because she feels you dont pay attention when she wants sex from you.

33
One of the main complaints we heard from our clients and readers (from the wifes

perspective) was that sex had lost its appeal. It seemed to be boring to the wife and just

not worth the effort. Some of the letters could be interpreted as the husband only wanted

sex when he wanted it and how. Many women found sex wasnt worth the effort

because her husband typically wanted sex in the bedroom and didnt do very much to

spice things up.

Men, after awhile, the same ole, same ole does become a drag. The difference is,

Christian women will still want the emotional connection with their husband even if sex

is relatively dull whereas the Christian husband may lose interest in his wife. His moves

are not changing and he isnt enticing to her anymore.

Christian wives like uninhibited sex. I do things to make my wife want uninhibited sex

from me. Im not interested in boring sex and I know she will become bored with the

same moves over and over again. However, you have to keep in mind that I have a

wonderful relationship with my wife. Uninhibited sex is natural for us because of our

strong personal relationship with one another.

Some men feel uninhibited sex is wrong. Some Christian women feel it is wrong or

disrespectful for her to ask her husband to indulge in some of her own fantasies.

However, as I wrote in Sexual Skills for the Christian Husband, it is very important for

you, as the Christian husband to feel comfortable with the sex you offer to your wife.

34
There are few boundaries for the Christian marriage other than those we place on

ourselves.

For the Christian husband, sometimes there are some things he will view as inappropriate

or to be out of Gods will. In those cases, there are other things you can do to spice things

up within your marriage. However, as much as you may not want to hear this men,

the missionary position lost its zing a long time ago in Christian marriages. Even

Christian women know there are other positions worth exploring. This is something we

hear a lot in the letters we receive.

For the women who find sex with their husbands dull, many of them are bored because

their Christian husbands are not doing anything to spice up their sex life behind closed

doors. These women want to do something to bring back the intense desire they felt for

their husbands right after marriage but with the missionary position men, there is only so

much you can do.

A man who wants to bring the excitement back into his sex life with his wife needs to be

comfortable with the act but more than anything else, he needs to understand what it is

what she wants and should try to accommodate those needs. Sex cant be on your terms

all of the time. There are some things she may want to try and if she isnt able to try

them, she may decide sex just isnt worth the effort. Give your wife the freedom to

explore her fantasies with you. After all, you dont want her to ever feel the need to

35
journey somewhere else to find fulfillment in those fantasies so you need to open up your

mind and body to exploration with your wife.

She Doesnt Know What You Want

In many cases, if the Christian wife isnt fulfilling her role as an interesting sexual partner

it is because the Christian husband doesnt know how to make his sexual requests from

his wife. Small requests should be something you feel comfortable in making to your

wife. If you like what she does for you or a certain move she makes, tell her! This can be

a big turn-on for your wife.

In some of the letters we received, not only did the women tell us they found sex boring

but they told us because it was dull, they found no point in the act of having sex with

their husbands. Sometimes men forget what it takes to turn their wives switch on and

sometimes, even though we dont like to admit it, we forget what it is like to be sensual

with our wives. The act becomes just that, an act because there is little time or there

are environmental factors that prohibit an uninhibited sexual experience with one another.

Still, there are some little things you can do to spruce up your marriage when your wife is

interested in a little one-on-one time with you. First, tell her what you like. She may not

know and if you dont tell her, how will she know? For the Christian wife who respects

her husband, fantasies she may want to realize could often be explored early in the

marriage bed if only one or both partners would communicate the desire! Remember,

your wife is your soul mate and you should be expressive in your desires and love for her.

36
Be expressive. Tell her what you want and then act on what you want and what she

wants. Communication can be great foreplay!

Its Just Not Great Sex

Many of you have probably heard the statement on television shows, there is no such

thing as bad sex but the truth is, there is. If you are trying to coax a wife who isnt in the

mood into the mood, you know there is bad sex because youve probably had bad sex

with your wife. Theres tired sex too. When sex takes place after a long day and you are

tired and she is tired but you have sex anyway and it is fairly uneventful. It can be tiring

just to think about it. Thats bad sex.

For your wife, there may be phases in her life when she feels like sex is bad sex

because the sizzle is gone, the positions are boring and the same all the time, or for any

numerous reasons. When this happens, your Christian wife will probably lose interest.

When a woman feels inadequate, her level of desire can diminish. She feels like she is

unable to please you when she feels inadequate. For her, sex leaves her empty and this is

important for you to know. Your wife wants to feel like she is doing everything right to

please you. When she doesnt feel that from you, she loses interest.

The Christian wife who loses interest in sex basically loses her pursuit of it because it

isnt fulfilling her in some way. You have to find a way for her to regain her confidence

with you while making sure she enjoys spending time with you lost in her sexual desires.

37
She Thinks You Dont Enjoy Being Intimate with Her

The Christian wife will never want to hurt her husband emotionally or physically. If you

are sending out the wrong signals or seemed to be put-off by sex, it may be sending a

sign to your wife that you arent interested in having sex with her anymore.

You Dont Notice Shes in the Mood

Another problem that exists in the Christian marriage is when she doesnt notice youre

in the mood or you dont notice shes in the mood. If you dont notice when shes in the

mood and he begins to see this as a problem, you need to see if she can communicate her

feelings to you better. Once you begin to communicate with your wife, you may be

pleasantly surprised to find out she is in the mood far more than you thought!

One of the best ways to understand what your wife wants is to ask her to talk to you

about it. Ask her to use communication as foreplay. Tell her to think about what excites

her and then ask her to relay it to you. Let her know it is OK if she has a difficult time

telling you in words. If she feels like you arent in tune with her and doesnt feel

comfortable telling you, ask her to show you more of what she wants.

Play games with your wife and see if this is something that will help her open up. Ask her

to let you know she is in the mood by sending you a little note at work through e-mail or

to leave you hints on the dresser like a little love note or a favorite CD from the past.

38
Think of ways to spice things up and pay close attention to your wife. When she is in the

moodnotice her!

What It Takes to Get You in the Mood

The Christian husband who wants to show his wife respect but doesnt know how to

communicate to his wife what he wants isnt really showing his wife the respect he

thinks. Since God wants a Christian couple to partake in sexual desire, he wants the

couple to be able to communicate what it is they both want.

Talk to your wife and tell her your hot buttons. Tell her what it takes to get you in the

mood. As we get older, our bodies will change and sometimes the things we want will

change too. She may need you to remind her what turns you on or you may even want to

show her something new that you find pleasurable or want to explore.

Tell her what it takes to get you in the mood.

You Deny Her Sex

If you have denied your wife sex on more than one occasion, this may be the reason why

she is suddenly not showing a great deal of interest in sex. Remember, when a Christian

woman says to her husband that she loves him what this means is that she puts his

needs and wants before her own. The Christian woman is the woman who is committed

to protecting her husband and she can not do this if she is going against the things he tells

her he wants. This is why it is very important for the Christian husband to relay what it is

he wants and to never use sex as a bargaining chip.

39
As we look in the Bible, we do see the scriptures in Corinthians which examine the

marriage relationship. It is the duty of the husband and wife to participate in a consenting

sexual relationship with one another and sex should not be denied regardless of the

persons excitability or desire at the time. It is Gods will for a married couple to explore

intimacy through sex.

40
 Chapter Three

Light a Candle, Things are About to Become Romantic

Your wife loves you or she wouldnt have married you. The Christian woman can be one

of the most romantic women in the world when she really cherishes the man he has

married. There is nothing like the love the Christian marriage will experience. The sex

will be the most fulfilling and the love will be the most complete. This is one reason why

the Christian husband should never feel ashamed of his body with the woman who has

chosen to love, honor, protect, and cherish him.

Dress up for bed and turn down the lights. Dont forget the basics..

Have you showered?

Have you used cologne?

Have you groomed well?

Were you sure to be a great partner outside the bedroom today?

Sprinkle rose petals on the sheets and create a mood. If she isnt doing the kind of things

for you that you want her to do, then you take the initiative and set a mood designed for

desire.

Show and Tell

41
Have you ever told your wife that she isnt romantic? If you have then she may believe

you. The Christian husband who is intimate with his wife on an emotional level

understands it is very important to never cut his wifes self-esteem down and does his

very best to build her self-confidence rather than destroy it. A woman wants to feel as if

she is a wonderful lover capable of fulfilling her husbands every need.

Most Christian women want to not only fulfill their husbands sexual desires but also

want to be assured intimacy with their husband. Still, your Christian wife is no different

than any other woman. She has needs and will want those needs fulfilled. She will also

want to feel feminine when she has sex with her husband. Your wife wants to wow

you whether you realize it or not. Most Christian women today are not hung up on the

duty of the sexual act (although there are some who are) and most women would like to

know they can meet the needs of their husband.

For the Christian wife who is able to see her husband seeking and gaining pleasure, it can

be a big turn-on. When your wife can give and watch you receive pleasure, there is a

level of intimacy achieved. One of the things we read from readers that seemed to be a

problem for many women is they felt their husbands were not pleasure-seeking. For some

women, this became a factor in their loss of sexual desire. It was in fact, a turn-off.

The women who responded to us and told us they had lost their passion for their sex lives

with their husbands were very put-off by the way they felt. Still, they didnt really see the

point in trying to push sex on their Christian husbands who didnt seem interested.

42
Men, if you cant get your wife in the mood, there are some things you can do to set the

mood. While some Christian men hesitate to try when they feel their wives have been

very passive with their interest in sex, others find this is one sure-fire way to reignite the

flames of passion.

For starters, men, you should dress up for the occasion! Yes, dress up! There are many

things you can choose to wear to bed other than an old T-shirt and shorts. You can dress

up for desire and you can set the tone in the room so she will know when she walks in

exactly what is on your mind.

One of the things we have found through talking with couples is that the wife who isnt

that interested in sex is often pushed to the wayside by her husband as well. If he is

turned off by her lack of interest in him, he may not do anything at all to try to entice her

and furthermore, he may decide not to do anything about it because down deep, hes hurt.

This is why many marriages end up on the rocks and it happens more times than you

might think in the Christian marriage. If the wife isnt showing interest and at times even

declining to participate in sex, the Christian husband is capable of feeling rejection.

Sometimes, the rejection will then turn into resentment and occasionally even into

rebellion.

43
Yes, the Christian husband does rebel at times when sex is put to the wayside and desire

is still overflowing. As a side note men, this is one time in the marriage that you will need

to talk to your spouse. You can not undo something as permanent as an affair so before

you stray or your spouse is tempted to stray, work on your marriage. It is Gods will for

Christian marriages to be monogamous.

Even after a Christian man has realized his wife has lost her sexual interest for whatever

reason, he still needs to try to rekindle the relationship. As Susan and I mentioned in

earlier material, even if your wife seems to be struggling with sex, this doesnt mean she

isnt attracted to you. Her loss of interest probably has little to do with you personally.

With that being stated, you still could have something to do with directing is focus back

to you. Show and tell is the perfect place to start!

The Sensual Side of Your Marriage

In Song of Solomon, the sexual relationship between Solomon and Shulamith is

explained. In various passages, you will see the relationship between the newly married

couple blossom within the pages of the scripture.

While setting the mood in your bedroom can be sensual and very enticing, we believe

you should never limit your sexual exploration only to the marriage bed because after

all, if you do, you are not giving into the uninhibited side of the marriage. Still, regardless

of whether you are with your wife in a controlled setting because you have children

44
sleeping in the next room or you are outside in a hot tub on your private deck, you should

get in touch with your sensual side. By doing so; your wife will find you irresistible.

When you are able to be expressive with your wife as well as sensual and creative it

really wont matter where you choose to express your love for one another. Shulamith in

Song of Solomon wasnt afraid to express her love openly for her husband and it is

proven throughout the passages which referred to her love for Solomon.

When you want to get your wife in the mood and feel as if you are at a loss, go to God in

prayer and go to Song of Solomon for reference. Shulamith empowered her relationship

with her husband because she was free with him. She explored him and anxiously waited

for him to explore her while being expressive about both.

In order to set the mood for your wife to know exactly what you have on your mind, there

are a few tips to take into consideration. Some of course can be picked up through simply

reading Song of Solomon while others can be found in todays world.

Set up your bedroom for romance. Find something your wife will find sexy and slip into

it or if you have a wife still from the old school of thought on Christian sex, choose not to

wear anything at all. For those of you who are entwined in a Christian marriage where the

duty is the premise of the sexual relationship, I urge you to talk to your wife and find a

different focus other than the duty. Life is too short and the sexual relationship between

man and wife is to be explored and pleasured rather than thought of as a duty only.

45
In marriage, sex is important because it can bring you closer together and ultimately add

strength to the marriage. It will strengthen your family life because as a couple, you will

both be content and fulfilled. While the duty of sex is defined in a Biblical sense in the

Bible, it is not only for the sole purpose of duty and once you and your spouse fully

understand the full capacity to enjoy each other, you will discover marriage sex is a gift

to be enjoyed.

You can Change things

If your wife treats you like a Home Simpson it is time to really get in touch with your

masculine side and also your genuine side. Sometimes, your wifes lack of interest in

sexual desire is because you have forgotten the things you used to do to give her pleasure.

Your Christian wife wants you to be all of the things I mentioned to you earlier. Many of

those things do not take that much effort on the part of the Christian husband. For

example, you can be more supportive just by offering a listening ear. Be quiet. Dont talk

just listen. If your wife tries to open up to you, she wants you to hear her speak. She

wants to know you are interested in what she wants to say.

Theres something else worth noting when you are trying to put desire back into your life.

This is something women do not like for men to feel or say but it is true so I will say it.

Women can (sometimes) be like babies. They really can be. Think of it this way. If you

have a six year old and a three year old, the three year old will demand your attention and

sometimes, the only way your other child can get the time she wants with Mom or Dad is

46
to get into trouble. After all, negative attention is better than no attention at all. If you

arent paying attention to your child, theyll find a way to get the attention they desire.

Men, your Christian wives can do the same thing. If you dont take time out of your day,

no matter how busy it is to give your wife fifteen or twenty minutes of your time, shell

find a way to gain your attention. She may not be what I define as needy initially but if

you ignore her long enough, she will become needy and if you still ignore her, dont be

surprised if she becomes a little hardened to your touch when you are finally able to make

time for her.

This works both ways because I know I have acted in the same manner. If my wife

doesnt give me attention, I crave it from her. She will need and crave my attention if we

havent had time together or made the time for one another.

Wives need your compassion. In life, relationships must be fed but the one relationship

that should always come first, after your relationship with God, is the one you have with

your wife. It needs to be nurtured and you have to nurture it. You cant expect your

husband to always do it for you or do it alone.

Being available to your wife and being supportive of her must come before your own

needs in many instances. Sometimes, this means she gets to go to bed and sleep and you

have to get back up to do a load of laundry or clean up the dishes after a night of passion.

47
This doesnt mean the modern day Christian wife wont be in tune with your needs too.

The truly remarkable Christian wife appreciates when her husband is tired and needs a

break. She will do the occasional grass cutting without complaining and shell take out

the trash without being told or reminded to do so.

Still, the Christian husband who has the wife willing to share in the responsibilities is

typically the husband who has been very supportive, available, and responsive to his

wifes needs. So much so that she wants to do things for him and with him.

The Romantic Feelings are Still There

You may have to work to get the feelings stirred up again within your wife. If she isnt

interested in passion or in fulfilling your sexual desires, you may have to try new things,

new environments, and maybe even introduce lingerie and sex toys into the relationship.

Fortunately for the Christian couple, these things can be bought privately now as we

discussed in other materials. Whatever you need to do to entice your wife and regain her

interest should be pursued, at least within reason. After all, your Christian wife is

someone you love, honor, and cherish. Therefore, you must just get back to the basics of

the love you share while trying to find a way to reintroduce the excitement back into your

marriage.

48
 Chapter Four

When Shes an Emotional Mess and You Soon Will Be

The Christian man who sees his wife struggling with depression recognizes this as a

challenging time for his wife and doesnt ridicule her for being unable to meet his needs

sexually. Life is difficult and even the Christian woman will sometimes find it impossible

to meet up to the everyday challenges of life, work, family, financial problems, and other

crisis. Sometimes depression sets in and sometimes it lasts longer than what you might be

prepared to handle. When depression is a problem and your wife loses her sexual interest,

you need to be understanding. By being compassionate and loving, you will find a way to

lead her back to you by offering your support and guidance.

Anxiety

I have a Christian friend who is dealing with all sorts of problems within his marriage.

His wife is a complete emotional wreck. Not only is she an emotional wreck, but she is

also a nervous wreck. She has become very passive choosing to stay home more and

more rather than deal with her nerves coming unglued in public situations. He has tried to

encourage his wife and find a way to help her help herself but it is very hard on him

emotionally as well.

There will be times when your marriage will be very tough. There may be days when you

dont like your wife and you may wonder why you were ever married in the first place, I

hope not, but it is possible. My friend is there now. He isnt happy in his marriage and

49
finds it disturbing that he married a woman who isnt solid as a rock but instead

dependant on him when he feels she brings it on herself and her family.

However, my friend may be wrong in feeling the way he feels. I do not know because it

isnt my place to judge. As Christian men we did promise to love in sickness and in

health and men, sickness can come in many forms. A problem with anxiety or

depression is one of those forms.

When your wife is anxiety ridden, she is at a higher risk for a heart attack or a stroke.

Depending on her emotional state, she may not be interested in sex at all or her sex drive

may be very low. She needs your support and your comfort but not your ridicule. After

all, she needs, truly needs you if she is facing anxiety or depression.

Depression

As with anxiety, depression can place a burden on the relationship. One of the early signs

of depression is the loss of interest in sex. If a woman experiences a lack in his sexual

desires, she may be depressed. If she is depressed, she may not be interested in you

sexually. Remember, this isnt your fault. Your wife loves you but she will face

challenges in her life and in the Christian marriage, a challenge should be taken to God in

prayer together as husband and wife.

Something to keep in mind as you begin to learn more about depression and anxiety is

that not only can the depression or the anxiety cause substantial problems in a persons

sex drive but the medications prescribed for depression can also be a problem as well.

50
Anti-depressants or SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) are typically

associated with a loss of libido and the failure to reach orgasm. This is typical in many of

the SSRI medications.

There are also a great number of other side effects with the SSRI meds you may not

notice but may be bothersome to your spouse including rapid heart beat, confusion, dry

mouth, and agitation as well as many other problems. This is something you should be

aware of and make an effort to be understanding if you should notice a change in your

wifes behavior.

Keep in mind, some Christian wives will find it bothersome that they need to take any

medications at all. Even when there is a known chemical imbalance driving the person to

the brink of a breakdown, they will feel something is wrong with them if they have to

take medication for depression or anxiety. It is a let-down to them. When the medications

begin to play havoc on your relationship, you should talk to your wife and see if your

spouse can get treatment for his depression and anxiety through another medication with

fewer side effects.

The Christian Husband Copes

The Christian husband is supportive and he copes with any problem he may face. He

copes because he takes it to God in prayer. However, depression and anxiety can be a

very tough problem to overcome with his Christian wife because often, the last thing she

51
needs is to feel pressured for sex while you may feel it is your place to mention her lack

of response to you.

Keep in mind; you may have a few bumps in the road. Some of the roads may have a few

more bumps than others and some may need you to focus more on the direction you are

headed. In marriage, the Christian couple will join together to beat the odds and make it

through their little rough patch. It is what God expects and the couple who can get

through in sickness and in health typically will stand to have a much stronger marriage.

52
 Chapter Five

Variety is Spicy in the Christian Marriage Too

In our previous books, we talk openly about the mutual understanding of consenting

sexual acts. In fact, we even told you that some of the things we would do sexually might

even be viewed as fairly wild but the fact is that even though some of the things we

might find sexually exciting and you might find wild doesnt mean we are right or wrong

or vice versa. We look for things to excite us in our marriage and when we are both

consenting and mutually interested in trying something, we feel that we can explore one

another in a way we both find fulfilling to our Christian marriage.

When your wife isnt in the mood to perform, maybe you should consider performing for

her to get her in the mood. In the Song of Solomon, we read about Shulamith as

mentioned earlier in this book. We know she danced for her husband and we know she

did whatever she could to ignite his interest. Shulamith was a Christian wife determined

to keep her husbands interest and apparently was able to do this without any problems

because she was comfortable with the desire she felt for her husband. As a Christian

husband, it is instructive to look at the actions and responses of both the Shulamite and

her lover; you will find helpful actions to model in both.

If your wife isnt in the mood, I dont want you to feel like it is your fault but I hope as a

Christian husband you will find a way to reintroduce yourself to her in a way that will

rekindle her interest. As Christians, God wants us to be fulfilled in our marriage

53
relationship. I know if you are not able to fulfill your sexual desires with your wife, you

will not be fulfilled. I know this because I know how I feel on the subject.

I want my wife to feel excited by me. I want her to desire me. I dont know what I would

do if I had to worry about the possibility of my Christian wife ever telling me she didnt

want to have sex with me again. I hope I dont have to find out. Sex is a very important

part of our marriage and Im sure if you are reading this because your wife has lost her

interest in sex, it is very bothersome to you on many different levels. Still, I want you to

understand this is not your fault and I know I have reiterated that point again and again.

The one thing I do want you to know is if your wife is not interested in a sexual

relationship with you at this time in your life, there is hope! In most cases, it is only a

very temporary situation. Some of the women who have written to Susan and I want their

husbands to be more in to sex with them or they want to know their husband likes

sex. They would really love to know if you love sex. It is a big turn-on for them.

At the beginning of this book, we talk about the relationship. In many cases, a

relationship problem can tarnish any physical connection one or both of you would like

to have. It isnt possible to find the level of intimacy you desire without a strong

relationship. This is something your wife realizes even if they are pulling away from you

and are not in the mood. This is why becoming a relationship expert within your own

marriage is very important. It is crucial for you to become an expert on your marriage so

you can become more giving in the intimate side of the relationship as well.

54
Adding a little spice to the marriage is something we can all do within the parameters of

what is mutually pleasing to our wives and to ourselves. In Sexual Skills for the Christian

Husband, I addressed the issue of what areas or sex acts should be permitted in the

Christian marriage. When it comes to the acts that are strictly off-limits, the Bible is

specific on fornication, adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, prostitution, incest, and sex

only in marriage which means there are no biblical boundaries placed on what is and

what isnt allowed behind closed doors in the Christian bedroom. This is something you

should be glad to know!

As a Christian husband when you are with your wife, you do not have to worry about

limitations. You dont have to be concerned with what is pleasing to God or what God

would frown upon.

However, with that being said, I want to let my Christian brothers know what I believe to

be true. If your wife is not interested in sex and it is because you arent comfortable with

a certain sexual act, do not meet her request at your own expense but do try to find a way

to solve the differences of opinion.

Some women will never be interested in oral sex. They arent going to do it or have it

performed on them. They find it offensive and they are put-off when their husbands

mention it. The Christian husband will understand this and never ask the Christian wife to

55
do something she doesnt want to do. Some women will say no to oral sex but yes to anal

sex and yet many women find anal sex repulsive and even painful.

When I talk to you about adding spice to your marriage though, Im not talking about the

sexual acts in general. Im basically talking about the act of adding the element of

surprise to your sex life as well as just changing things up a bit. Your wife wants to be

surprised and believe it or not, many women who are suddenly not that interested in

sex write to us to tell us it is because they feel like there isnt anything left to explore.

The sexual desire may still be there men; you just have to help your wife find it again!

Still, when we talk about spicing up things and trying to add the element of surprise into

the marriage, this does not mean adding a sexual partner into the marriage bed, bringing

pornography into the marriage, or role playing to where the element of spice would mean

you or your spouse imagining sex with another person or character.

We talk about this in earlier material. We dont believe the Christian couple should give

into masturbation in a private manner because it is then tempting for the heart and mind.

After all, many people find masturbation possible by reading dirty books or looking at

magazines. This is wrong because it invites a visual image creating lust into your mind

and those images generally stay with you for some time to come.

56
The idea of adding spice to the marriage is to add spice to your sexual desires while

maintaining the sexual act as a couple activity between the Christian husband and wife.

This is something we support in our earlier books.

Keep in mind, Susan and I are from the school of sex should be fun, rewarding, and

uninhibited and if we feel comfortable trying it then we will try it and if not, we wont.

Masturbating in front of your Christian wife may not be anything you are interested in

doing. However, it can be a very pleasurable experience if you have your wife help you!

Remember, be creative and think about the things that will please both you and your wife

as you spice things up!

57
 Chapter Six

Understanding Women and Sex

I dont really understand women. I dont even understand my wife all of the time.

However, I do try to understand what she needs. I feel like I know her better than anyone

and Im always ready to learn something new about her. She is interesting to me. I like to

talk to her, laugh with her, and hear her (very) corny jokes. Still, I am at one disadvantage

just as you are with your wives. I do not know what feels good to her based on her true

sensations from within and you will never know your wifes either. In the same breath,

you also realize your wife will never know precisely what feels good to you either as you

would experience the sensations and feelings. We have discussed this before.

With the above understood, you have to think about women and sex from their angle as

much as possible. Considering the fact some women will never express what they like,

you may have to coax your wife into telling you what feels good. If she reacts in a

positive light to your touch but you arent sure if it was a flinch from pleasure or maybe a

flinch from pain, ask her if she liked it or if she didnt. Dont get lost in mixed signals.

She could have really loved something you misinterpreted in another way.

When weve heard from our readers, a common complaint from them has been that

Christian husbands dont know how to let go in bed. Some of this stems from guilt and

from being too reserved in the bedroom. You need to overcome this!

58
Men and women think about sex differently and when you better understand the

differences, you can better decide what to do to enhance your sexual relationship with

your wife. If you and your wife are not able to maintain an active sex life, you need to

search for the problem. It could be hidden almost anywhere.

The Only-for-Me-Subject

When you are married in the Christian faith, you are to become as one with your wife.

She will be much more proud of you if she knows you saved yourself for her exclusively.

Still, the subject of only-for-me means more of how you conduct yourself as a Christian

husband after you are married.

Your wife wants to know you value her and treasure your relationship with her

exclusively. That being stated, she wants you to build her up and not tear her down. The

woman who feels threatened by her husband, for whatever reason, may shut down from

him sexually.

There are things a Christian husband and wife should do exclusively for one another. Of

course they should be exclusive with one another. Their intimacy should be between

them and shared by no one else. It is crucial that the marriage bed be kept sacred between

the husband and wife.

This is something particularly hard to overcome if it is violated. A case in point comes to

mind. A couple, considered swingers prior to joining together into Christian faith may

59
experience some flash backs from moments in time where they may find it particularly

disgusting to view their wife or husband in a way pleasing to God. After all, the husband

and wife have a long history of destructive sexual behavior. This isnt uncommon in a

world where sex is a priority and seemingly everywhere.

While it is possible to overcome if you both were saved in Gods name, it is likely some

experiences will never be forgotten and thats too bad. However, if the newly formed

Christian couple will work hard to forget the past and look for Gods grace in the present

relationship, it is possible to have a relationship far better than the previous one left

behind.

When God brings you together with your wife he does want you to belong exclusively to

your wife and vice versa. Your sex life will only be blessed in the Christian marriage.

This isnt to say the Christian marriage is the only way anyone will ever have sex and

feel like they are fulfilled but it is to say the Christian marriage is the only sexually

rewarding marriage God will bless. He isnt going to bless an affair or pre-martial sex

because it isnt in his will.

When its Not a Reciprocal Relationship

When you are first married and everything is new, you will enjoy passion, excitement,

and for many, something you cant possibly put into words. When the Christian couple

comes together in holy matrimony, it is a symbol of Gods love and their love for one

another as well as for him.

60
The reciprocal relationship is one which is often misunderstood. Recently, my wife heard

a minister speak to our youth group at church. He was very passionate about wanting to

talk to them about sex. He asked the parents, If you dont want your children to learn

about sex at church where do you want them to learn about it? I believe he had a valid

point. He asked the question during his sermon of , What is love? When he asked about

it no one raised their hands. No one. With over 500 people in attendance, no one knew

how to answer the question.

So, I ask you, What is love? Before you move on, think about it. Actually, put this

book down and close your eyes and think about it. What is love?

The answer? Love wants to protect. Love loves someone else more than he loves himself.

Think about your relationships and youll agree. If you love your child, you want to

protect them. If you love your Christian wife, you want to protect her and you love your

wife and your children more than you love yourself.

In a reciprocal Christian marriage, a wife will want to respect her husband and vice versa.

She will not want to ask for a reciprocal sexual relationship when she feels he is

uninterested. She will not want to impose wild sex acts on him if she feels like he

doesnt want to reciprocate.

Men, my dear Christian brothers, your wife may lose interest in desire if her love is not

reciprocated. If she feels you dont love her and by your actions, you dont appear to love

61
her, she will not be interested in finding sexual desire through you. Where your concerns

now lie is where she may find her desires and if she will then act on them to have them

fulfilled.

I want to point out something else about the Christian relationship. If you are in a

reciprocal Christian marriage, there should be nothing to stand in your way of having a

sexual relationship with your wife. You should want to have sex with her and she should

want to have sex with you.

Still, we know that sex is a very real problem in many Christian relationships, just as it is

in any relationship. It is often because the sex is dull, unfulfilling, and not worth the

effort. It is occasionally because the relationship is in real trouble. Men and women today

need to understand while sex isnt the only factor in a marriage, it is one of the most

important factors in a marriage and if you will read various passages in the Bible you will

know I am telling you the truth.

Since sex is a gift God gives the Christian married couple to enjoy, remember, when you

or your husband are uninterested in sex, you are basically asking God to take back his

gift. This isnt something he is prepared to do. After all, it was his gift to both of you!

When its Boring Sexwhats going on in Her Mind

We have an enormous amount of e-mails coming in from married Christian women who

believe sex is just not worth the effort. Not only do these women feel like the passion is

62
gone from their marriage but they often feel as if their husbands are uninterested in them

sexually.

One of the reasons this happens is because Christian men are often reserved even when

they are overturned with desire for their wife. Another reason is because it is often very

hard for the Christian man to experience uninhibited sex due to the taboo he was taught

early in life from an older Christian man. For some men, the battle is ongoing to

overcome the guilt from feeling very passionate about sex. It isnt something they can

just shake because they are bound by the forever words theyve heard all of their lives.

Sex is the married mans duty and it is still a stigma in some marriages.

Men, I want you to know how wrong our fathers were in the past. Oh, sure it is our duty

to join together with our wives in an intimate way. However, many men didnt know

until recently or they chose to ignore, it is the duty of our wives to join together with us

as well. Still, when you are feeling desirous of your wife and she isnt returning any

indication of the same, you typically dont say, BUT it is your DUTY. Women dont

use those words and men shouldnt throw those statements around either. However, the

truth will stand and it is a necessary component of the marriage.

The problem so many men face when their wives are not in the mood is that they can not

help but feel like they have done something wrong. Furthermore, they cant help but feel

like they are unattractive or that something is wrong with them personally. However,

there is sometimes a lot more to it than what meets the eye.

63
Women are not interested in missionary sex all of the time, or at least most women are

not interested in missionary sex all of the time. Initially, at the beginning of the

relationship, possibly they are but later on, no way. It does lose its appeal. They want

passion, desire, and uninhibited love making with the man they love. Sometimes, if they

cant find it they really do feel the loss of desire. Even though Im a man writing this

material, I do know what I am talking about because I read the letters to Susan and

myself. It is truly unbelievable how many women feel like they are not being fed the

passion and sensuality they want to feel with their husbands.

Your Princess

When you first met your wife, you were probably not visualizing her in a long, flowing

dress, seated on a white stallion. Furthermore, you were not thinking about having sex

with her the very first time you met or at least most of us were not thinking along those

lines. Still, some years later, there you are and there she is about to consummate the

marriage. It is typically unusual, exciting, awkward and maybe even full of uncertainty

and clumsy maneuvers but yet, you want to be joined together with your wife.

When I have read about wedding night jitters and other stories about intimacy on the

honeymoon, it isnt so extraordinary. There are sometimes even some who dont

consummate the marriage on the first night because it is so uncomfortable. Still, it

appears there will forever be the misconception that the wedding night is wonderful and

for some, it may be. For me, it was after the wedding night and it just seems to get better

and better.

64
The reason so many men dont feel so wonderful after their first night together with their

Christian wives is because their wives are typically new, green, and inexperienced too.

The experience of being together as one can bring so much more with age as they say.

Once you feel fully comfortable with your wife, you should constantly be working to

keep the spark alive in your marriage. Do things to inspire her, tempt her, and tease her.

This is the wife God gave to you and with any luck, will be the only one you will ever

have.

Theres something else I hope you will do for your marriage and your wife and it is to

make her feel like she is princess. Really, I am serious. A woman who has her ego built

up in the bedroom is one confident woman in the world. You should do this for your

wife. If you have been with other women before, she may feel as if you judge her based

on your previous experience just as you would feel she judges you based on previous

experiences. This should never happen on either side of the marriage.

Some of the letters we receive states the obvious. Women feel like they are not pleasing

their husbands sexually and some feel like if their husbands can not achieve enough

orgasms, they have no use to their husbands at all. So, they lose interest in sex.

Still, in our books, your wife will be taught certain skills to improve your sex life and we

have one specifically for your wife, Sexual Satisfaction for the Christian Wife details

what she can do to achieve the highest level of intimacy with you.

65
One of the things you can do for her is to let her feel as if she is meeting every desire you

have. If she feels like she has lost her appeal to you, you may discover fewer times when

she approaches you for sex. After all, if you arent interested, the Christian wife will not

push herself on you.

Your too much for Her to Handle

When your wife tells you that you have a very active sex drive, you may be offended at

first. However, dont be. She is giving you a compliment in one sense. Still, if you find

she is no longer interested in you sexually because she feels he can not keep up with you

and your desires, then you need to tone your active sex drive down a little. It will help

your wife feel more at ease with you in an intimate setting.

Rejection

Reject your wife one time and you will feel the fallout for a very long time. Christians

know their level of desire should not determine whether or not they are going to have sex

with their partner. However, as humans , we know we can say no and we can reject

having sex with our partners anytime we want.

Men, you use this against your wives sometimes. I know you do because I have done it. If

Im particularly mad at my wife for hurting my feelings over something and she is trying

to make up, I have been known to completely ignore her. I have been known to find a

66
way to ignore going to bed when she goes to bed and I have let her know, in the past, that

Im not interested. This is not a good thing and isnt acceptable behavior.

Rejecting your wife in any way can have an enormous impact on the marriage. It can not

only cause hurt to your spouse but it can become a vicious cycle that can damage and

deteriorate the marriage.

Rejection isnt anything anyone wants to feel.

Jealousy and anger lead to rejection in many Christian marriages from the wifes side.

Lack of attention and understanding lead to rejection in many Christian marriages from

the husbands side and both could be avoided. Still, men and women need to be more in

tune with the other person to avoid rejection altogether.

While the feelings that lead to rejection would be considered sinful to many, these

feelings are human feelings and they can lead to rejection. The way the Christian

couple can avoid rejection is to be honest within their own heart and mind. It goes back to

the reciprocal relationship.

Men, if your wife has a wandering eye, and yes some Christian women have wandering

eyes, much of it may be because of some of the sin that filled their lives before they

became a Christian and it may always exist. Still, you should talk to them and explain if

you reject them sexually, this is why.

67
Men and women both could work on their marriages from this angle really. I use the

above examples as only examples. Not all men forget dinner and not all women would

feel it would be a problem to eat soup. However, heres my point.

When a woman is rejected in the bedroom, she may not know why or even understand.

However, once is rejection but more than once in the same week borders with denying

your spouse sex for revenge.

I have a thought on this subject. While my wife never does anything to deliberately hurt

me, she is going to hurt my feelings from time to time. I am going to hurt her feelings

from time to time. When this happens, I would be serving myself well to try to make up

with her but to avoid pushing sexual desire on her. She is not interested. In the same turn,

if she have been nagging, hateful, and even a bit bossy, I would be wrong to go to bed

with the expectation of a great night of passion with my wife.

This is, in my opinion, where men and women have a problem seeing rejection for what it

isits temporaryin most cases. This is something the Christian man and woman need

to understand. If my wife looks at another man three or four times, hes handsome, I get

that, but that doesnt mean I now want her to look at me three or four times while she lies

about it!

If my wife comes home from work and finds me with my feet propped up watching

ESPN while the kids are going wild and the house is a wreck, she gets that Im tired. She

68
understands that I have had a long day. She does get that but she must wonder why I left

the mess for her!

Rejection in the bedroom stems from many different factors. The Christian couple who is

so in tune with one another will know when sex shouldnt be approached and they respect

those boundaries or small limitations. However, rejection can become a big problem

when it isnt only the occasional turn-down.

When you are rejecting your spouse or she is rejecting you more often than not, you have

a serious problem brewing. You simply have to know where the problem lies and begin

to work on fixing it.

Shes a Performer and She wants an Interactive Audience

While some women find aggressive men very appealing, others would prefer for their

husbands to be passive. Why? I dont know. It is possibly just their personalities or it

could be because of the expectations they have for their Christian husbands. Either way,

if you discover your wife is losing her interest in you, it is time to find out why.

Some men are shocked to discover their wives want to lead. When they cant be the

leader or the aggressor in the marriage bed, they sometimes feel inferior. This has its own

hang-ups, I agree. Still, as part of the Christian couple, you should be willing to make the

adjustments so your wife is comfortable in finding pleasure.

69
Size Concerns

Men are concerned with size. Most women are not. Men are confused by this but thats

OK because women are not as into size as they would sometimes like to think which

would probably greatly disappoint the larger man.

Women want and need intimacy. The size of their husbands penis isnt a concern if their

husband isnt caught up in his size to the point it becomes a problem in the marriage.

Still, women should be understanding and should realize the size of a mans penis can be

very discerning to the male ego.

Women have written us letters on this issue and their husbands have written to us as well.

Sometimes, when a man feels uncomfortable with his size or feels his size is the reason

his wife isnt achieving an orgasm, he will withdraw from sexual encounters with his

wife. He feels he has let her down sexually and it becomes a stigma hard to overcome.

This isnt to say the husband with a small penis should not have sexual intercourse with

his wife. It is only to say that he can fulfill his wife in many other ways.

Sexual Frustration leads to Sexual Discontentment

Women who are sexually frustrated will find discontentment. It is one of those things that

just happens because sex is so important in the Christian marriage. If you can not achieve

an erection, she may be embarrassed (and wrongly take it personal) and she may not even

try. However, if you find you can not achieve an erection when she really wants to be

with you intimately, then you should seek medical attention.

70
For some women, the sexual frustration isnt at all because of your inability to perform.

Often, the sexual frustration a woman will feel comes from other things. If the Christian

wife feels his sexual dysfunction is her fault it can be very frustrating. Reassure her that

it has nothing to do with her.

Men, sometimes you do send off mix signals which can give your wife a feeling of

insecurity with you. It happens in many marriages. If you are put-off by sex, you should

reach inside your heart and find out why. Talk to God in prayer and then talk to your

wife. The wife who remains sexually frustrated and finds discontentment will sometimes

stray. When they do, typically the Christian woman will turn to porn but sometimes she

will turn to another person.

How to Please You

Your wife wants to please you. If you cant tell her how to please you, then show her how

to please you. There are so few things I wont try with my wife. If she wants to try

something new, Im usually a willing participant. She is too. However, there are some

women and men who do not know how to find pleasure with one another. Sometimes this

is because of past relationships and it can be hard to overcome.

Still, the Christian woman who wants to please her husband will work hard to find the

right moves to put on her husband. In turn, the Christian husband who wants to please his

wife will be uninhibited and work toward helping his wife to achieve maximum pleasure

sexually.

71
Are you enjoying Her?

If your wife has pulled away from you, it may be because she feels you dont enjoy sex

with her. Any woman, regardless of their faith, wants to be enjoyed by the person they

love or experience intimately. When a Christian wife doesnt feel she is being enjoyed by

her husband, we have found through the many cards and e-mails we receive, she stops

trying.

Rather than working toward trying to find a way for her husband to enjoy her, sometimes

the Christian wife will give up. This is why it is so important for communication to be

honest and open.

Men often struggle with finding a way to tell their wives what they enjoy. While some

men are very expressive, women typically want to verbalize their requests for sexual

pleasure more than they actually do. Then again, there are some things you may feel

comfortable telling your wife and there may be some things you simply dont want to

discuss. Sometimes, the things you dont discuss are the things your wife could be doing

to bring you more sexual fulfillment than you ever thought possible.

I have a friend who was married once before he met his current wife. His first wife died

and when he married his second wife, he felt as if he was given a second chance on life

and love. His first wife was not a Christian woman but his second wife was a devout

Christian and dedicated wife. However, she could not please him sexually.

72
We talked about this one day and I discovered why. His first wife was uninhibited

sexually. They were not just confined to the bedroom. When the children were away for a

night, she would set the stage for a romantic romp and typically, they would romp all

over the house. However, his second wife preferred to have sex in the bedroom behind

closed door regardless of whether or not the children were home.

His first wife enjoyed oral sex. She enjoyed receiving, as the majority of women do, and

she enjoyed watching her husband receive. He explained she was the master of it and

found no pleasure when his second wife half way attempted to perform so he just decided

it wasnt that important and asked her not to try anymore.

We talked a little more and I discovered that the oral sex for him was the best way for

him to achieve a full orgasm which was why he enjoyed it so much. However, his second

wife didnt like to do it and he knew it. This left him very discontented in the marriage

sexually. In fact, after ten years of marriage, she had only attempted it maybe five or six

times and failed at it miserably.

I felt sorry for my friend because he fell in love with his wife and not her ability to

perform sex acts on him but I felt sorry for him because he really couldnt achieve sexual

fulfillment with his wife and didnt know how to talk to her about it. Eventually, he

became uninterested in sex and even though he felt he should get her in the mood,

found he did it because of duty. He truly didnt enjoy her.

73
Men, if you arent enjoying your wife, you must figure out why you arent and talk to

her. If you dont talk to her about what is going on and make her hear you, then you will

feel empty during intimacy and if she feels it, then she may not want to pursue it. Who

could blame him?

Christian wives want their husbands to enjoy them sexually. Some women have no clue

what to do. Show her. Tell her and if she doesnt do it right, show and tell again!

Bring on the Romance

We talk to men about romance. Of course, my wife is the master of creating the mood

through attentiveness, sensual massages, and most of all loving support. But, not every

Christian man is aware of romance. Not all men will know how to create the mood and

not all of them will care. However, women care. Women want the flowers and chocolate

covered strawberries. They want to be romanced in bubble baths with a candlelit room.

They want to see an eventful evening of passion sparked by romance.

Now, let me tell you where this can be a problem for your marriage. If you are not a

romantic type of guy you may have problems with your wife who (at least sometimes)

expects you to bring on a little romance. Christian husbands who have a trouble with

romance severely limit their opportunities for sex. If they never learn to romance their

wives, ultimately, they rob themselves.

Take the initiative for setting the mood.

74
Trying too Hard

We have been told in many of the letters we receive that the Christian man who is trying

too hard sometimes becomes a turn-off for his wife. This is really a problem in some

marriages. When a man has done everything he can to make his wife notice him and then

does everything he can to seduce her only to find her uninterested, it is detrimental to the

relationship.

Another turn-off for the Christian wife is when her husband tries too hard to please her

intimately giving up his own sexual fulfillment in the process. We know from talking

with our readers that the women who are having the greatest fun in their intimate

relationship with their husbands are the women who are not only finding a relaxed

relationship sexually with their Christian husbands but they find a reciprocating

relationship as well. When one must try too hard for any reason in the sexual relationship,

it becomes strained and sex can become too much effort.

75
 Chapter Seven

Learning to Value the Sexual Relationship

For many couples, especially those young couples with children, finding the time to value

the relationship is hard. Often, the relationship problems we see begin with the lack of

time for one another. Relationships must be fed and when they arent problems will

begin in the home and within the bedroom of the Christian home.

I once heard a wise couple talk about their love. They were older, probably around mid-

60s and still very passionate about the other one! It was shocking to see. Their secrets to

success were to be copied by all Christian couples. Below, I am going to share with you

what they told me but before I do, I want you to note that I sat through an hour or more of

their seminar so understand this is the shortened version. Also, understand, their secrets

to a happy marriage allowed for various changes in their lives and understanding that

things would always get back to the normal with their relationship at the focus.

They taught:

Above all else, God was the center focus of their marriage.

They knew the importance of dating their mate. When your children are small, it

is hard to do. For them, they had a date night once a week when their children

were young and they lived away from family and friends. Once a week, they

would put the kids to bed and have a date night at home. One week they might

cuddle up on the couch and hold hands watching a movie. The next week they

76
 might play a board game like Monopoly or Life. The next week they might turn

the lights down low and dance all night long. Later, when their children were old

enough to stay at home alone, they would go out on a date during the week. Their

weekends were covered up with teen activities so they made their date night

mid-week and nothing would change their plans for their date. It was important

and they kept it regardless.

They believed in uninhibited sex. They believe, like Susan and I believe that the

sexual relationship between husband and wife should be uninhibited.

They believed in mutual respect. They respected one another and worked hard to

prove their respect. They were their own best support system within the power of

two.

They sent one another love notes or would leave little love notes in places like the

kitchen on the milk or in the shower around a string. They were romantic in

thought even when their presence wasnt around.

Both of them admitted to calling their spouse just to see how their day was going

each and every day even when the other one was pouting over something.

The wife admitted to having thoughts of her husband intimately throughout the

day and sharing those openly with him at night.

The husband admitted to having thoughts of his wife intimately throughout the

day and sharing those openly with her at night.

They loved, shared, comforted, and supported in all things.

77
 This couple trusted their entire lives with the one they chose to love in marriage.

They treasured the marriage relationship and valued it because they realized it

was the only one they would ever have.

This couple put each other first.

Both people took the other persons needs and wants seriously. They didnt meet

a request or a problem with a Yes, youve said that. I hear what you are saying

and then never do anything about it. When change within the marriage was

needed, they worked to provide it.

They took each other and their relationship seriously.

Both people wanted to see the other one thrive. They wanted their partner happy,

healthy and to grow spiritually.

I could probably fill an entire book on their recipe for a happy marriage because they

sure had one and even as they aged, you could look at them and see the true inspiration

one had been to the other. The love was apparent and very much noted by all who met

them.

You Value Her and She Values You

In a relationship where the man and wife value the relationship, it is evident. When you

are together the chemistry is obvious. She looks at you a certain way and you reciprocate.

The relationship feeds off of the love and the spark between the two of you. My pastor

and his wife have that kind of love. You can see it on their faces and hear it when they

speak about the other one.

78
The relationship that is valued is the relationship that is meant to last. It is the relationship

that is nurtured by both people. When you value him and he values you, you both look

forward to time together. It is possible you anticipate alone time together more than

either of you know.

Its important to remember that just as those married couples experiencing problems with

sex find their problems are more of a relationship problem than a sex problem, the

relationships that are strong sexually are sexually charged by the strength found in the

relationship.

Attitudes toward Sex

We read about all kinds of attitudes. The letters we get would amaze you. As a man,

sometimes I fear for the men who deal with these issues because I wonder if they are

aware of the fears and anxieties some of their wives have. I also anticipate offering help

to them, as much as possible, because a marriage full of sexual spirit is one which can

offer uplifting moments considered almost heavenly.

Achieving ecstasy with your wife sexually is something you want but overall, we

discover that many times the husbands who are passive or the wives who are not able to

express themselves arent able to fulfill a joyous relationship intimately. We understand

the frustration.

The attitudes toward sex begin to weigh heavily on the Christian relationship. There are

some who view sex as dirty. This is seen more in women than in men but some men do

79
have a problem with it as well. When it becomes a very big issue, as it does in some

marriages, counseling is often needed just to overcome it and sometimes, this is very

embarrassing to the one without the problem.

Body and Soul

I love my wife body and soul. I love her because she is who she is. However, she isnt

perfect and I am far from perfect. Yet, she still loves me. The complete marriage can

have soulful sex. It is the most complete sex you will ever experience. No other sexual

relationship will be as fulfilling as the soulful sex between the Christian husband and

wife because as weve already mentioned, no other will be as blessed.

When you marry, you will hear the phrase, hes my soul mate or shes my soul mate

and youll hear it a lot. However, the soul mate of the Christian man and wife shares so

much more. They share the same values, the same ideas and the same love in Christ our

Father.

Love is so much more than sex and when you have a Christian relationship as man and

wife, you know this because it is something you experience. No one could prepare you

for the deep rooted experience because it is just indescribable.

Christian men dont worry about the relationship involving another outside interest

because they trust their wives completely. That isnt to say that there will never be a time

your wife will not be tempted and it isnt a guarantee she will never stray but it is highly

unlikely affairs will find their place in your marriage if you are following Gods will.

80
Sex is a Chore

When sex is a chore, your wife feels it. If you dont know how to have a soulful and

passionate experience with your wife, she will be able to tell when she is intimate with

you. If passion is important and she doesnt feel it from her husband, she may become

less interested in taking her time loving you. Instead, it will be out of duty or necessity

when she is intimate with you. This isnt what the Christian husband wants and it isnt

the kind of intimacy he should have to have.

81
 Chapter Eight

Brought Together as One but Still Facing Differences

I would love to sit down with newlyweds and talk to them before they begin their lives

together. Id like to interview them, wouldnt you? Think about it. When young people

decide to get married, they have a fresh view on the relationship. They love one

another. Often, as you know, the real reason they want to marry is because they lust for

one another. In fact, love comes much later. The deeper love Robert and I share wasnt

there the first night we consummated our marriage. The deep-seeded love took years to

nurture and feed.

Today, what is worrisome in all marriages tends to be the misconception of marriage.

While many still understand the concept of being brought together as one, some feel after

they are united as one, their differences will minimize or vanish altogether. Ladies, this

isnt the case as you know if you have been married for very long.

Susan and I are one. However, we still have our differences. I like to think of it this way:

Our differences keep us interesting to one another while our sameness keeps us

entwined. I think if you can accept you are two very different people yet one in Gods

eyes, you can build a strong, committed relationship and one to never bore the other.

82
Sexual Differences

The physical differences between men and women are very obvious. However, the sexual

differences are not always noted or obvious. Some men, especially the Christian man

who has saved himself for his wife exclusively, has no idea about the sexual differences

between man and woman.

In many cases, when a man and woman are first brought together and the woman notices

her husband peaks earlier than she does, she may discount this as typical excitement

with the new relationship. However, when it happens again and again, she may become a

bit discouraged.

One of my best friends in the entire world divorced her husband because he could not

take care of her needs sexually. They were not in the Christian faith and had been married

for a number of years yet she felt let down every time she had sex with him and soon

became uninterested in him and interested in someone else.

The reason, she explained to me later was because even though he met his climax or

peak early, she felt it wasnt too much to ask for him to ensure she was satisfied in the

effort as well. He had no interest in doing so after his needs were met. In fact, on the few

occasions where he did try, she said she felt as if he had a stop-watch on her with a little

voice whispering, Are you there yet? Could you hurry up? What a sad thing to feel.

Unfortunately men, this is the case in many marriages. You are not alone. However, it

doesnt have to be this way for your marriage. The Christian wife is very in tune with her

83
husbands needs, wants, and desires and not just her own. She will make an effort to

fulfill her sexual obligation to him. In Chapter One, we talked about the qualities a

Christian husband possesses in order to appeal to his wife. Here, we look at some of the

qualities the Christian wife should have to appeal to her husband:

Supportive

Available

Uninhibited

Creative

Passionate

Sensual

Unselfish

Self-Pleasure Seeking

Responsive

Open

Honest

Loving

Does this look like the same list? It is! Men look for many of the same traits or qualities

in their marriage that a Christian woman will search for as well. They want their wife to

be supportive, available, uninhibited, and so on. When the Christian wife offers her

husband the above qualities, her lack of sexual performance will become less important.

84
That isnt to say it isnt important but it is to say, the Christian husband will look over

some things when he has a deeper connection to his wife.

There are differences in the way a woman can meet her peak in comparison to a man. For

a man, many of the excitement nudges he has will be stimulated by what he sees and

feels where a womans nudges may begin long before she meets her husband behind

closed doors.

85
 Chapter Nine

Were all Physically, Mentally, and Sexually Challenged

There are so many reasons your wife may not appear to be in the mood to have sex with

you. Some of the reasons you may control but some may be beyond your control. Still,

you have to accept the fact that if your wife isnt in the mood, it is because of some

underlying factor you may be able to get to the heart of.

Some of the complaints we heard in regards to specific challenges physically, mentally,

and sexually included some of the following:

Weight Issues

Homosexual Issues

Addictions

Health concerns and medication problems

When any of the above topics are mentioned to us, we try to approach them from an

angle we feel will be most helpfulhead on!

Hes Too Fat or Too Skinny

86
Yes, weight is one of the complaints some Christian wives have. Think of it this way

men, when you think about your wifes body, what do you like most? Most women will

say they like their husbands butts and their eyes. Some may say they like their chest and

butt. Still others might say they like the butt and hands. Do you see where Im going with

this? Most women like a man with a great butt. However, in many cases, the great butt on

a woman spreads like wild fire in her thirties and doesnt stop until she gets busy getting

rid of it.

Homosexual Past

This is a challenge for Christian men and for Christian women. Theres a belief that the

Christian woman who has a homosexual past can never be with a Christian man and find

fulfillment. I cant tell you if this is true or if it isnt. However, I can tell you from my

point of view that I believe anything is possible and achievable through Christ our Lord.

Still, if a woman has a homosexual past and her husband is aware of this, she can become

too aware of the fact he is aware of it. She can even focus on it when she shouldnt.

Addictions

Its funny to me. Some of the men Ive talked to in the past view their hang-up as a hang-

up with working too much online. Yet, they dont see where their internet activity can

be a problem in the marriage. Men, internet addiction is as likely as anything else.

Anytime you spend an excessive amount of time on the internet or doing something other

than what you need to do for your wife or family, its a problem.

87
The internet addiction is one which seems to strike Christian men more than alcohol or

drugs for obvious reasons. First of all, it is an addiction which can creep up on us without

any notice. Secondly, it can become a problem because it isnt something that we can

pinpoint until it seems to be a problem for our spouses.

Addictions take many forms. From alcohol to drugs to porn and yes, even to the

computer and internet.

Health Concerns

You love your wife and you want her to have a very active and fulfilling life. However, if

your wife has high blood pressure or is at risk for a stroke or a heart attack it becomes

necessary for you to take precautions in some cases. This can place a strain on the

marriage. Still, if you and your wife are told she doesnt need to become excitable, you

should talk to her doctor about what can be done to ensure her safety during sexual

activities.

The one thing you dont want to do is to place stress on your wife if she is told she needs

to use caution in activities where she would be over-exerted. While variety is the spice of

life and an active sex life is truly rewarding in the Christian marriage, you may have to

tone it down a little and try to follow doctors orders.

This is something that is very hard for men to overcome. It goes back to the guilt

aspect. The person who is supposed to be cautious feels guilty because he or she is

88
supposed to be cautious. He or she will feel like they are sealing the fate of their spouse

and they are imposing restrictions on their spouse.

89
 Chapter Ten

When Your Surroundings Dont Scream Sex

Once you have children, you are not going to be able to have sex with your spouse

anytime you want to have sex. She may feel frustrated by this because the same applies to

her. Children change things and the older they get the more aware they are of what mom

and dad are doing behind closed doors. In addition to children, all of the pressures of

finances, work, and many other factors can present distractions. When your wife is

simply not in the mood, maybe it is time to figure out why and it may very well start with

your surroundings.

Before and After Children

Before children, hopefully you and your wife enjoyed a lot of sporadic romps around the

house. Hopefully, the two of you were able to find fun and romance in a variety of

settings. Why? Because it will never be the same again after you are fruitful and

multiply. Believe me men, if you dont have children, you should savor the moments

you have alone with your wife because once you have children, things will change and

they will change considerably.

Before children, you and your wife could enjoy a whenever and wherever attitude

toward sex. After children, you have to plan, schedule, revise, plan again, and basically

try to work it into your schedule. Planning sex can become a real chore for the post-

90
children couple. However, if you want to make time for your mate, youll find a way and

we have some ideas about how you can schedule romps, quickies, and full nights of

passion!

Set it All Up

There are distractions in any life. For married couples with children, the times for

intimacy are often few and far between. Sometimes it takes a little effort to set things up

for the married couple on the move and one of the things a couple can do to make sure

they have time together is to set up their alone time by making plans to spend time

together. When scheduling difficulties prevent you from being alone with the one you

love, it is time to literally pencil in your time together.

Sometimes, when you cant seem to find the time to be intimate with your wife, you have

to make the time because if you dont, your spouse will feel neglected. Remember, the

Christian marriage needs to be nurtured and you want to spoil your wife by providing her

with the security she needs and wants. What she needs and wants is a Christian husband

who is willing to make plans to spend some time alone. My wife and I used to use

innovative ideas for our time alone together.

Weve ran home for a quickie on our lunch breaks with the kids safely at daycare and

weve even set our alarm clock an hour early to start our morning out passionately. When

you are in the mood for love, you want to be loved completely by your wife and

sometimes, while a quickie might do the trick for the moment, it also leads to the need for

a much deeper and more romantic connection.

91
It is easy to forget about her needs, and your own, when you have bills to pay, screaming

babies, and demanding little ones. Sometimes men, you are not going to have a strong sex

drive simply because you are too tired to act on any thought or move toward intimacy.

When you are exhausted and you seem to have less time for your wife, I encourage you

to take a step back and really consider what it is you want from your marriage. Hopefully,

you will remember why you married in the first place and hopefully, you will feed the

relationship by taking time to be passionate about your wife and your marriage anytime

you can.

Too Many Responsibilities

One of the things we have found to be a big turn-off for the married couple is the growing

responsibilities. From the financial responsibilities of making ends meet to the everyday

hassles of work, life keeps us all busy. When couples fall into bed at night and begin to

talk about the bills they are going to pay or what kind of day at the office they had, it

becomes a definite turn-off and sometimes, your wife may just tune you out.

This is a definite sign of trouble if you are seeing your wife tune you out more and more.

Pay attention to the tune-outs and try to tune-in to what might turn her on rather than

turn her off!

92
Life Problems Affect Your Relationship

Lifes struggles introduce problems into the relationship. Remember, a lot of sex

problems with your spouse are not necessarily sex problems but are instead, relationship

problems. Fix the relationship and the sex problems seem to work themselves out. Forget

about fixing the relationship and forget about fulfilling sex. It really is pretty simple.

Life problems can lead to a dissatisfying sex life and when you are dissatisfied sexually,

everything seems to fall apart. You may not want to believe the important role sex plays

in your relationship but the fact is, happy Christian couples have a very satisfying sex

life. They have sex frequently and they improvise when time or conditions are factors in

providing the right ambiance!

Work Pressures

In most jobs, you will have work pressures. However, when you have pressures at home

and at work, things can be bumpy. If you see your wife is struggling at work (or home),

try to lighten her load a bit at home. Take out the garbage, do the dishes on Thursday

night when she typically does them or whatever you can to allow her some relief from her

overloaded day. She will appreciate you and recognize you for being supportive.

Wives get tired just like you do. Men sometimes forget this. However, today it seems

more and more men are helping their wives and when they do, it is truly appreciated.

Still, let your wife off the hook when she looks like she is worn to a frazzle. Give her a

sensual massage or simply run her a hot bath with dim lights and you sitting in the

bubbles!

93
Scheduling

For some wives, the turn-off for them was sex on a schedule. This happens a lot with

couples who are trying to conceive. They become so caught up in the act of trying to

become parents that they forget the enjoyment sex holds for them as a sensual couple.

Sometimes, after a very meticulous and timed-out schedule, the couple who once enjoyed

a united sex life full of desire suddenly finds their interest has diminished. This is

something you will need to practice overcoming by rekindling the spark whenever you

have the chance. Do not allow a once strict sex-regimen to become the killer of your

passion and desire. Keep the fire burning by setting the stage for passion and adventure

by spicing things up.

The wives we talked to about scheduled sex were deeply turned off by it in many cases.

In some cases they felt their wives were in such a rush to get pregnant that they didnt

mind to sacrifice their quality time together as a couple. This causes resentment and the

retaliation does occasionally present itself. Youll know when your wife isnt in the mood

most of the time.

Remember, variety is the spice he needs after a scheduled year or more of sex and other

than variety, she still needs you to be supportive, caring, selfless, and attentive to her

needs as a Christian wife.

94
Cramped Quarters and Living with In-Laws

Men, if you have ever lived in cramped quarters or with your in-laws or with your

parents, you know sex can be difficult. Still, remember your duty is to your wife and your

relationship and not to what other people think. You should be able to find alone time

with your wife and if you are living with in-laws get in the habit of spending a certain

amount of time alone every evening. This way it isnt as obvious as to when you are or

when you arent having sex with your wife.

Sometimes the best sex you will have is the quiet sex of I dont want mom or dad to

hear and even though you are married and consenting Christian adults, it isnt something

you do want everyone in the house to know when you choose to give into desire. Make a

point to do things to conceal what is going on in the bedroom and if you cant find

privacy where you are living, go rent a room!

Many couples when they are first married do live with parents because of the

affordability factor. If you find you are unable to afford a hotel room somewhere, do

some research and find a quiet and very secluded place for a picnic. Remember, be

uninhibited!

Your marriage will face some trials when living with another couple or with parents or

relatives. You must set down some ground rules as a couple and be determined to keep

your marriage in tact. The biggest complaint we hear from couples living with someone

95
else is that they feel like they have no privacy. Additionally, they feel their spouse isnt

open to uninhibited sex when they are aware of other adults under the same roof.

For the Christian couple, staying focused on the marriage and taking time alone whenever

possible is crucial to fulfilling a healthy, happy, and fruitful marriage.

96
 Chapter Eleven

Wash Away Your Guilt

I Corinthians 7:32-33 says, I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man

is concerned about the Lords affairshow he can please the Lord. But a married man is

concerned about the affairs of this worldhow he can please his wifeand his interests

are divided. When your interests are divided, a certain level of guilt is evident.

Once you are married, you will discover there are many times when you will feel guilty.

However, guilt is a sin. God wants you to have peace of mind. Still, when you are ridden

with guilt, finding peace of mind is difficult. God doesnt want you to have any guilt over

seeking pleasure in your Christian marriage.

If you or your spouse feel any guilt whatsoever over a Christian sexual relationship with

the other one, this is something which needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Sex is a

gift to the Christian marriage and there shouldnt be any guilt involved.

Believe it or not, many Christian marriages suffer guilt in their sexual relationship with

their spouse. Weve discovered through talking and corresponding with our readers why

there is so much guilt experienced in the relationship. Below, you will find the top

reasons.

97
Guilt for Wanting Sex when She Doesnt

The Christian marriage goes through many phases. In your marriage, you may find there

are times when you are more sexually interested in your wife than she seems to be in you.

However, if this seems to be the ongoing case, it can be a problem for many men. This is

where guilt is most obvious.

When your wife isnt as interested in sex as you are, you feel guilty. It is normal to feel

guilty. You begin to feel like there is something wrong with you. Then, you believe there

is something wrong with the marriage, and finally it occurs to you there may be

something wrong with your wife. All of the above causes you to feel guilty.

From your spouses point of view, she will feel guilty because she isnt as interested in

sex as you are and she will also feel ashamed because she isnt as intensely aware of your

needs as she is for her lack of them. She will feel like she has let you down and

ultimately, feel guilty.

Guilt over Sexual Activity before Marriage

Regardless of whether you and your wife had sex before marriage, any sex before

marriage can make some people feel guilty once they place God at the center focus of

their lives and this is a battle many fight. It doesnt matter if you chose to have relations

with your wife or with another woman; any sex outside of wedlock is considered a sin

according to the Christian belief. There are several ways the pre-marital sex can prove to

provide one with overwhelming guilt.

98
First, if a man is guilty because he had sex with another woman before he met and then

married his wife, the guilt can consume him and his wife may feel it. This is something

he could talk to his Christian wife about but in all likelihood, while she might be open to

discussing it, she will not want to hear intimate details of the relationship no matter how

brief.

Secondly, the man who chose to consummate the relationship with his wife before he

married will also face a level of guilt as well. In some Christian relationships, this begins

to be a problem because the husband can blame the wife and the wife can blame the

husband. Both can feel guilty.

The only advice I have for the couple who faces tremendous guilt because of the acts they

committed sexually before marriage is to pray about those sins and ask to be forgiven. I

think it is important to ask your spouse to forgive you as well. However, this is a very

sensitive subject and I think it should be approached when you feel most comfortable

talking about it with your wife and not during the heat of a passionate argument if one

occurs because of the past.

Christian marriages do suffer because of past sexual activity of both partners. It is a

struggle initially just to move past them. In some cases, where one or both partners have

been promiscuous, it is very hard for the spouse to have any high level of respect for the

person they married and often, the information in regards to their past does come too late.

99
In many cases, a man or woman will struggle ongoing with the relations of his or her

spouse with another.

Guilt Because of an Affair

The other sexual guilt found in Christian marriages is often the guilt over an affair. When

one is guilty of an affair, the other feels it. They know it in their heart. The sad thing here

men is for your wife to not only betray you but to betray you again and again with the lie

of hiding the affair. However, there are some things you can do to protect yourself and

save your marriage at the same time.

Many Christian men live with adultery. They know their wives have committed adultery

but for some reason chose not to say anything. Some men choose not to say anything

because of children and some choose not to say anything for the sake of protecting their

own heart. After all, if it isnt spoken, it isnt real takes on a more attractive approach for

dealing with the guilt.

Men, I do want you to know that if your wife is a Christian, she will feel the guilt. She

will feel it until she talks to you and then, she may still feel it. However, she will never

stand a chance to even begin to heal from the affair unless she opens up and is honest.

The Christian woman knows it is her duty to talk to you about it.

Now, my friends, I must talk to you honestly. While you may feel the need to run from

your wife if she has an affair, I ask you to consider forgiveness first. Regardless of any

communication youve had in the past on the subject, you need to consider the

100
consequences of divorce before you ever allow it to sneak into your marriage. Children

are most affected and in many cases, when a man doesnt forgive his wife, he is the one

that suffers from the sin she inflicted.

At the same time, I want to warn you against seeking your own affair. One type of affair

a Christian man will have that is every bit as sinful as a physical affair is an affair of the

heart. Sometimes, it is more dangerous to the Christian relationship. Christian men

should avoid the temptation of lusting after another woman even if his wife has opened

the door by being negligent as a spouse; he should turn the other way and focus only on

God and his marriage and family.

Guilt for Abstaining from Sex Because of Guilt

Sex creates all kinds of problems when it is performed outside the marriage. Not only

does the marriage suffer because of the guilt felt by the person who betrayed his or her

spouse but because of the actions of an affair or a pre-marital sex act, the person may lose

interest in his or her Christian spouse. When this happens, the burden of guilt often

consumes the person. In Hebrews 13:4, we learn: Marriage should be honored by all and

the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually

immoral.

Think about the consequences of sex outside the marriage before you decide to cross over

and taste temptation. The lust you find on the other side of the fence will lead to

discontentment and will hurt your Christian spouse. However, more than your spouse, the

101
guilt will forever haunt you and as Hebrews 13:4 mentions above, will call for Gods

judgment.

One of the biggest problems a man will have when an adulterous wife leaves his bed for

another man is the fact she is typically unable to make love to him while cheating with

another. In this case, she may decide to abstain from sex with her Christian husband who

does add more hurt and confusion to the relationship.

When you look at the entire circle of deception, adultery is not worth the effort. It leads

to despair and heartache but most of all, it takes away from your marriage and you will

never be able to realize any peace from it until you ask for forgiveness. Even then, a

certain level of joy and happiness is taken out of the marriage.

102
 Chapter Twelve

Who or What are You Bringing to Bed

Up until this point, we have discussed various reasons your wife may not be turned on by

a sexual relationship with you at some point and time during the marriage. However, we

are now going to look at some elements that you may not want to face as being the real

underlying reason for her sudden lack of interest. In this chapter, we are going to look at

some of the things that may be causing a strain on your marriage. Some of these items

may be of sensitive nature for you which will be part of the reason it will be so difficult

for you to talk to your wife about them.

Partners before Marriage

Before you were married, you probably dated. I know I did. You may have decided to

have sex before you were married either with your current wife or with someone else.

Perhaps you or your wife had one or more sexual partners and the sad thing is that if you

did, they will always be in the marriage with you at least on some level. That is, if you

are aware of who your wife slept with prior to marrying you.

This is a sensitive subject for many people because whether you want to think about it or

not, if you are with someone who had sex with other people before they married you, it

makes it difficult for you to ever feel like you completely satisfy your wife. This becomes

a particular issue when suddenly you find your wife has lost interest in sex. When your

103
spouse loses interest in sex with you, it becomes obvious. She wants what she used to

have or at least, you cant help from thinking she might.

Today, many ministers are speaking out against sex before marriage with passion because

of the fact that the Christian marriage has suffered because of sex before marriage. The

marriage that faces countless sex partners is the marriage that has problems standing on

its own merit particularly when one partner suddenly loses interest.

As the Christian husband, you have an obligation to love, honor, and protect your wife

just as she should love, honor, and protect you. This means you should refrain from

asking questions you dont really want to know the answers after you are married. If you

didnt know and didnt ask before you were married, dont ask after the fact.

The marriage bed is not where you should revisit the past with your spouse and another

partner. However, if you know about a past love or lover your Christian wife knew, it

does bring cause for concern when you are suddenly faced with the fact your wife isnt

interested in sex anymore and bitterness is often a consequence.

Your Wife Doesnt Want You to be Sexual

There are some Christian women who will view sex with her husband as her biblical duty

and will want her husband to view the act in the same manner. If you are confined to a

relationship with a wife who doesnt want sex to be pleasurable for you, then I

recommend you seek counseling as a couple. Sex is a very pleasurable act to be shared

between two consenting adults. However, it is possible it can not be enjoyed by either

104
partner until some underlying issues are ironed out. In this case, there seems to be little

advice I can offer other than counseling.

Sex and the Pressures that go with it

Men, if your wife is pulling away from you and you feel you simply can not go on

without sex, you must talk to her. Sex does carry with it so many different pressures and

one of the most noted is talking about it. Communicating about sex is something a lot of

men do not do well. Many men were raised by their Christian fathers under the premise

that sex was there for the sole purpose to be fruitful and multiply.

God gave you and your wife the gift of sex.

A Current or Past Affair

When you or your wife participates in sexual activities outside of marriage, a certain

level of intimacy is erased. God intended for the marriage bed to be sacred. When a

marriage is tarnished by a current or past affair, the door is open for problems. This is

evident and sometimes, its impossible for the marriage to survive an affair.

Something you and your spouse should discuss at some point is the consequences of an

extramarital affair. Remember, ever decision has a consequence and if you make the

decision to have an affair, you are bringing something (or someone) into your marriage

and it isnt fair to your partner.

Men, an affair of the heart is as bad as an affair of physical body. Anytime you open up

your marriage to another partner or another presence or entity, you are robbing your

105
marriage. You are committing a sin because you are not keeping your marriage bed

between man and wife.

Secret Sex Life

There is a misconception about Christianity and the Christian marriage. Susan and I dont

want you to fall in this trap. Just because you and your wife are Christians does not mean

you will never experience temptation. Just because you are saved does not mean you will

never fall victim to sin.

Some marriages experience extra-marital affairs and some Christian couples have to

struggle with more than an affair but with a secret life altogether. Weve heard countless

stories. Weve heard about the prostitute woman who has gone to Las Vegas for several

weeks throughout the year to work as one of the exclusive call girls for a well known

prostitute ranch only to return to her home and her life with her children and her husband.

We know some men struggle with homosexuality and have experienced male sex with

another man while married to his Christian wife. We know women who are completely

unhappy with their relationship with their Christian husbands and have started an affair of

the heart with a friend theyve met on the internet and the list goes on.

The secret sex life hidden in any marriage can destroy. It can destroy lives, it can destroy

homes, and it hurts so many people. Dr. Abraham Verghese wrote a book entitled My

Own Country. In his book, he details the stories of many AIDS patients he treated while a

physician in Northeast Tennessee. In his book, there is a story about a woman he calls

106
Vickie. She was a good woman who lived with her husband in a monogamous

relationship, or so she thought. The day she found out her husband had AIDS was the day

she also found out about his secret life with men he met in a truck stop for sexual

encounters. The story was heart-wrenching.

Secret sex lives destroy. Christian men who put up with women who have a secret sex

life do have other choices, they can leave. While I dont support divorce, I also do not

promote Christian men staying in dangerous relationships. If a Christian man knows he is

married to a woman with a very active sex life outside the marriage, particularly a

homosexual relationship, he should consider her options. He should definitely pray and

ask God to show him what those options are.

Masturbation and Porn

There isnt a place in the Bible where masturbation is addressed as wrong. This is

however, something that many people would argue as wrong as well as unnatural. In

previous material, Susan and I discussed masturbation. The fact is, masturbation is not an

activity deemed for the pure at heart in most cases. In most cases, porn or magazines with

provocative pictures are used in conjunction with masturbation meaning that the activity

is not for the pure at heart.

If your wife has lost interest in you and you have discovered evidence on your computer

or you find porn in your DVD player, it is time to talk to your wife. Christian women do

107
face challenges and sometimes, the challenge they face is one the Christian husband will

view as disgraceful and disrespectful.

108
 Chapter Thirteen

The Aging Man And Woman

The respect the aging Christian man deserves and has earned is one which forever

follows him as he ages. The good Christian husband deserves the attention and affection

from his wife ongoing just as he did in his youth.

For some men, especially those men who do have younger wives, the embarrassment of

not being able to perform is one they find difficult. Sometimes, this is when a man will

see the decline in intimacy.

Many cartoons have been created to show the aging couple and their lives as a married

couple. One of the reasons the aging couple is thought of as grumpy is often because of

the lack of sexual relations typically found in the elderly couple. The aging man usually

catches the brunt of the jokes. He is the one who is held responsible for the lack of sexual

activity within the marriage.

The aging Christian husband also needs respect, love, adoration, and protection. It is her

responsibility as your Christian wife. Your lives as a married couple will change but you

need to know the golden years are years where you can find a lot of happiness. After all,

the golden years are the years where you can find the time to spend together while

worrying less about responsibilities of family, work, and home.

109
Still, there are some difficulties to overcome as the Christian husband. First of all, you

will need to understand that your sexual interest may decline and whereas in the past if it

declined, it would often pick back up, now it will not. Or at least, in most cases, the

husband will reach a point where he will not only show a decline in interest but

physically, he will not be able to perform.

If at any time you feel this is a let down for your wife, she may withdraw and try to avoid

sexual relations altogether. Additionally, there are health problems the aging man may

face that can hinder his interest in intimacy with his Christian wife.

One of the common problems we hear about is the man who faces difficulty in

maintaining an erection. The man who is unable to perform because he is unable to

maintain an erection finds it uncomfortable to talk about. Not every man will seek help

for this problem. Another problem we hear about with aging men is the ability to not only

maintain an erection but also with the ability to perform as he used to as a young man.

For example, his energy level will not hold its own anymore making it impossible to have

any kind of sex marathon with his Christian wife.

The aging woman forgets the aging man still would like to be viewed in a very sexual

way. In fact, in many cases, the aging man will need the intimacy even more because he

or she is not feeling as attractive as before and youth has long since passed.

110
In our older years, we need to find solace in the space we know best. That space is within

the arms of the one we love.

The Christian husband treasures his wife and can make aging a joy, a pleasure really if he

is prepared for the set backs and changes his wife will face as well. He must be in Gods

will in order to develop the patience and understanding and as many men faced with

elderly women and their challenges state, Pray, and pray often!

As the Christian husband of someone you love and respect, there are some things you can

do to encourage your wife. Rather than put entirely too much emphasis on your ability to

perform, you can find pleasure in other ways.

Additionally, the Christian wife must be taught to recognize her husbands attributes and

limitations. If you not able to keep an erection for instance, it is possible for you to be

involved in other ways pleasing your wife. In some cases, as a man ages, he may not be

interested in participating because it only reminds him of the youth he leaves behind.

Dont let this happen to you. You have a lot of fun still ahead!

The Christian husband must face the trials of the aging woman just as she faces them.

There are some things the aging man can do to help his wife and that is take care to

ensure all of her needs are met. He can develop the understanding she needs to see and he

can wrap his wife in love learning a deeper connection through passion and friendship.

111
As your wife ages, and she will age one day, you need to make a commitment to do

things to ensure she is still well rounded and happy as a sexual partner. Sometimes this

means you will need to talk to her doctors about her medications to ensure she is taking

the kind of medications with the fewest side effects.

You have to be aware of any medical problems and any solutions to these problems. You

will want to ensure your wife is not only a healthy woman but also able to perform

without placing her health in danger at her age.

It will be important for you to reinvent the thrill. In many cases this means finding

activities you both would enjoy and in some cases, this means taking the time to focus on

the positive aspects of your relationship. For example, if you are both in good health. If

you are aging and you have your health, you are blessed.

Rather than focus on the things that arent quite right in the relationship or rather than

focus on what you have lost or the level of intimacy you are unable to achieve, think

about what you have. You have one another. You have a positive relationship. You did

something right if you are approaching the latter years of your life still tightly bonded in a

Christian marriage. Think about and then count your blessings because there are

numerous blessings you can name.

112
 Chapter Fourteen

When Faith Stands in (or in the way) of Bliss

You may not view your wife the way she may want you to view her. If she is a very

religious woman and one given to the Christian faith and committed to God, she may

want you to see her in one light in front of the world and another one altogether when you

are alone. In other words, think of her as your princess.

We think about our wives with respect as Christian men. Although, there are some men

who allow the overwhelming admiration and respect they have for their wives to stand in

the way of what they will and will not do for them intimately.

This is often seen as a double edge dagger of course. The Christian woman who is

respected in the community may not be viewed as a highly sexual person. Thats OK!

You dont want other men to view your wife in such a light anyway. Still, you do want to

see her this way yourself.

The problem is often seen in another capacity as well. At one time, the Christian woman

didnt hold a lot of sex appeal for the men who were focused more on looks and things

considered of the world. If they didnt have their eyes on God or if they lost their focus

of what mattered, they may have even discovered they were not at all attracted to the

Christian woman because she would not offer a lot of appeal to them in the bedroom.

113
What a sad misconception! However, it is true. So, what do you do when faith stand in

the way of marriage bliss? It shouldnt and you know it. However, what if it does? What

do you do?

Guilty Pleasures

The fact is many people view sex in a negative light when they think about sex and then

immediately think about the guilty pleasures the act itself can bring. The faith based

relationship in a Christian marriage should not have to worry about the guilty pleasures

of the relationship. After all, there are so many people who are married who experience

no guilt and they tend to have a very rewarding Christian marriage. These couples are

bound in their love and through their love, they see no guilt.

The problem for some does come down to a battle between right and wrong. Because of

the movies, magazines, and books out today, there seems to be a false sense of what is

right and what is wrong to partake in as a married couple. The married Christian couple

has few limitations as we discussed earlier in the book. In fact the only limitations they

will experience will be the ones they possibly bring on all by themselves.

114
 Chapter Fifteen

And finally its back to you

Throughout this book, we have talked about how if your wife isnt in the mood, it isnt

your fault. I believe this to be the case in most cases. However, remember there are some

things you do control and there are times you could be held accountable for her lack of

interest. This is something you should be prepared to think about because if you know

you are doing something to push your wife away; chances are the only person who can

fix the intimacy problem in your marriage will be you.

When we read our e-mails, we see desperation. Keep in mind, the woman and man

brought together in marriage will want to not only know one another completely but they

will likely want to experience each other frequently. For some men, this is a turn-off or

for some, who are not crazy about sex, it is a problem. Sometimes, it is a problem for the

man until it becomes a problem for his wife and that is when suddenly he is ready to be

more compassionate, open, uninhibited, and willing. However, she can misinterpret this

as a move to pacify her or out of fear of losing her.

Some men, just like women, do have a lower sex drive. They simply have no reason to

have a very high sex drive until they are married and then once they are married, they

have a problem of assuming a new role. This is particularly challenging for the man who

has never experienced another woman before his wife. He faces all kinds of challenges

and discovers marriage really isnt what he thought initially.

115
The young groom has ideas. He has hopes and aspirations for his marriage bed. I did.

You did too. None of them are initially met. Weve determined this too in earlier

chapters. Marriages and the marriage bed will need to be cultivated and nurtured. Neither

you nor your wife will be the sex machine you think youll be just as soon as you tie the

knot and consummate the marriage. It will not happen. It may be magical or spectacular

but it will not be perfect.

Now, years later, you can perfect your skills and your wife can perfect her skills in the

marriage bed which is something we have written on in other materials as well as offered

as advice to individuals who contact us.

116
 Conclusion

My friends, I want you to know I am so glad you chose to allow me to talk to you about

your marriage. Marriage is beautiful commitments between two loving adults who are

ready to not only share their lives together but are also ready to give to one another

selflessly. The adults who enter a Christian marriage for a lifetime understand they are

meant to share their lives together. They enter with the common goal of keeping their

eyes on God and they ultimately want to focus their marriage around God.

Men, when your wife appears to lose interest in you, I want you to pray and ask God for

help. Ask him to let you approach the subject with your wife in a way that she will not

find insulting or vulgar. Through prayer, your wife will come around and be everything

you want her to be in the Christian marriage.

I know it appears that I have a lot of faith in God and marriage. I want you to know it

appears so because it is so. I have faith in God and believe my marriage is rock solid. I

believe in what God joins together he doesnt want to fall apart. I believe in my marriage

with Susan.

We seem to have the perfect marriage to some. Many who write to us would assume that

it is very close to perfect. However, my friends, no marriage is perfect. Did I marry the

perfect woman? For me, yes. Is she perfect? No, weve established that neither one of us

117
will ever be perfect. Still, we do have a very blessed relationship and a very satisfying sex

life.

One thing I want to ask you to do as we close now is to never judge your wife. This is

something that you may have a hard time following. However, the woman who is judged

harshly by her Christian husband is never fully content. The woman who is never content

with herself can not be satisfied by or with her husband. See, what you do to and for your

wife, ultimately comes back to you full circle. This is your reality.

Another thing I want you to do is to try to never compare your wife to the wives of your

friends. This one has been particularly challenging for a friend of mine. He has been

married 17 years to a woman he does love but lately feels as if he missed out on the best

years of her life. In my opinion if he was unhappy with his wife, sadly he did miss out on

the best years of her life because my friend married at the tender age of 20.

I know a little about their circumstances and know without any doubt that my friend

loved his wife very much when he married her and still does today but his love died

considerably for her along the way until one day, he stopped fighting for it. He gave in to

the temptation of thinking about better opportunities and I am guessing here, but I

imagine he did too. Their marriage is on the rocks and yet, he doesnt do anything to

change it and he tells me he doesnt care if he does. Men, that is when a marriage is in

real danger of sin.

118
When a husband and wife stop finding time for one another and stop caring if they make

time for one another, thats when it is almost over according to the ways of the world. Sin

does enter into the picture especially when the grass doesnt only look greener on the

other side but it is in fact, much greener.

With my friend, he saw his closest friends enjoy life when he didnt. He saw quality time

his friends and their wives had together when they were young and resented the fact he

didnt have that moment in time. Unfortunately, he doesnt realize there is absolutely

nothing he can do to change those years he lost. Seemingly, they are still stuck in the

rut because he wont change and now, he is looking elsewhere for things to fill up his

days for the sake of where his wifes void is missed.

If this couple were to walk firmly embedded in Christian faith and turn their marriage

over to God, I dont think their relationship would change dramatically overnight but I do

think they would see positive improvements. However, without one or the other making a

stronger effort, all could be lost. This is what I dont want for you.

When you have a feeling your marriage is bad or going bad, maybe it is. When you think

your marriage is in trouble or getting into trouble, maybe it is. The time to change it is

when you first feel it not years later or months later when it may just be too late.

This book has provided you with ideas, voices from e-mails, advice and most of all

constructive ways to help you ensure your wife stays in the mood for you. When all is

119
lost within your marriage, you have to pray and talk to God. Sometimes you may even

have to talk to God all day long because you think of something else you want to say to

him or something else you need him to help you understand. Thats OK. Keep talking.

Hes there and hell listen. Eventually, when the time is right, your wife may start

listening too.

Your marriage is your own. The only one you have. Treasure your spouse. Cherish your

love and protect it. The love you and your Christian wife share should never be pushed

aside. You should work to make it strong, secure, protected, and valued. If you dont

value it, you dont know what you are missing.

120
Some of the techniques within this book are sexually and emotionally powerful.

Although these techniques and activities can have dramatically positive effects
on your (and your wifes) physical and emotional well-being, people that have
high blood pressure, heart disease or a generally weak condition should proceed
slowly. If necessary, consult a physician before implementing any included
techniques.

Nothing within this publication should be considered medical advice.

She Loves God, Me AndSex! is a publication of SPI Publications.

Additional copies of this publication can be obtained at:

www.achristiansexsite.com

Copyright 2007-2008. All rights are reserved and no reproduction or

distribution of this publication can be made without express written authorization
of the authors.

121