Agents of Influence

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 Agents of Influence

Text Copyright Drew Knapic, Alphadog Success LLC.

All rights reserved. No part of this guide may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing
from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

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The information contained in this book and its contents is not designed to replace or take the place
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and information in this book has been provided for educational and entertainment purposes only.

The content and information contained in this book has been compiled from sources deemed reliable,
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cannot guarantee its accuracy and validity and cannot be held liable for any errors and/or omissions.
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 Agents of Influence

Table of Contents
Introduction ................................................................................................................................. 04

Chapter 1: Take Control .............................................................................................................. 05

Chapter 2: Are You A Negative Thinker? ................................................................................... 08

Negative Feeling ................................................................................................................. 08
Negative Talking .................................................................................................................. 09
Negative Action ................................................................................................................... 09
How Serious Is The Impact Of Negative Thinking? ............................................................ 10
How Can You Become A Positive Thinker? ......................................................................... 10

Chapter 3: Cultivating Optimistic Thoughts ............................................................................. 12

Improving Mood & Mindset ................................................................................................. 13

Chapter 4: Self-Esteem ................................................................................................................ 14

The Traits of Low vs. High Esteem ...................................................................................... 16

Chapter 5: Creating a Positive Self-Image ................................................................................ 17

How To Protect Yourself Against Image Destroyers ............................................................ 18
The Five Minute Mirror Technique ....................................................................................... 21
The Formula for Empowering Your Image ........................................................................... 21
How to Overcome Negative Conditioning ........................................................................... 22

Chapter 6: The Paradox Of Responsibility ................................................................................ 23

Chapter 7: Fail For The Better ..................................................................................................... 26

Conclusion ................................................................................................................................... 32

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 Agents of Influence

Introduction
The claim you can attain ultimate self-discipline in only fifteen days is quite a significant one. Any
author who tells you that change takes a long time - Id ask you to avoid like the plague.

It takes a long time to become proficient at the violin or fluent in a second language. It demands
mere days to change your behaviors. In fact, believing change takes a long time promotes change
taking far longer than necessary.

The biggest price youll have to pay by changing later instead of now is that youll miss out on
months, years, and potentially even decades of an upgraded life. For example, if you want to get
better at approaching attractive people and it takes you three years to learn that skill, just think how
much joy you have missed out on by not mastering that skill sooner, and consequently finding the
partner of your dreams sooner.

What if you want to start waking up earlier, lose extra weight, write a book, or eradicate a bad habit
should you make the behavioral changes now to make these outcomes a reality or should you wait a
few months, years, or even decades? If your answer was the former, then this book was tailor made
for you.

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 Agents of Influence
Chapter 1

Take Control

The things you cant change are those things you cant control. As a consequence, things you can
change are those that fall under your control. Todays society is a control freak. We like to feel in
control, and when were not, we become desperate. In this state of desperation, we overlook some
solutions that could also solve our problems, and that we even have control over.

I rephrased Niebuhrs saying: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot control, the courage
to change the things I can control, and wisdom to know the difference.

One thing that you can control is your time. Not time in general. You cant make twenty-six-hour
days, but you can control what you do with the twenty-four hours you have. Many of your control-
related frustrations root in bad time management. Lets take as an example a situation when you
stay in a long line in the supermarket.

Situation A: You were on time. You woke up on time, knew you needed to drop by and pick up some
breakfast before work so you calculated how much time that would take as a worst-case scenario
and left your house just in time. While you waited in the line, you read the news, checked your social
media, read a book, or double-checked your presentation, so you didnt have dead-time while you
waited. When you finally got to the checkout, you paid and headed to work.

Situation B: You had a delay. You knew you should have woken up earlier, but the bed was so
inviting to sleep five minutes more. And five more minutes, again and again You jumped out of bed
in a hurry, did a perfunctory job with your hair and dress, rushed to your car to get to the supermarket
to grab some food. You hit a long line even though you collected what you wanted in thirty seconds.
You looked at your watch five times per minute, impatiently tapping your leg. All you could hear in
your mind was, Im going to be late. Im going to be so late. My boss will scold me; Ill get angry and
wont be able to finish my job. Life is so unfair! Why does this line have to be so long? Ugh! Why am
I always attracting misfortune? I must have done something very bad in a previous life. Come on,
hurry up!

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The same situation, different outcomes. What was the difference between the two examples? The
power of control. In the first example, the person prepared herself for unforeseeable hindrances,
things she couldnt control, added them to her time-management plans and prepared her morning
plans accordingly. She made uncontrollable events controllable by managing her time well. With
self-control and good time management, she could handle even the uncontrollable things. Things
might happen, but it wouldnt affect her plans.

In situation B, the person didnt have any control. She had zero self-control when it came to getting
up. She didnt make any time management plans to adapt to the uncontrollable. She didnt have
the flexibility to change her plans knowing she was delayed, like ordering a delivery breakfast.
Stubbornly, without any sense of responsibility, our hero followed her plans. She hoped no one
would be in the line at the supermarket. On the way to the supermarket, she made up different
explanations why people would not be queuing in front of her. Empty rationalization. When things
turned out differently, she started panicking and rationalizing why everything and everybody but her
were at fault for the fact that she would have a bad day. She already decided that her boss would
be angry and shed have a bad day. Who behaves like the person in situation B? A child. Zero self-
control, zero sense of responsibility, blaming others, lacking priorities.

People are not machines. We get in situation Bs all the time, sometimes even when we consider
major events and keep our time under control. Regardless of the reasons, lets see how we can
better handle a situation B.

The most important step is to take total responsibility for your situation and actions. Regardless
of being at fault (like oversleeping) or not being at fault for your problems (an accident ahead of
you on the highway), the responsibility is still yours to take. Do not mistake the word culpable and
responsible; they are not synonyms. People often dont take responsibility because they think it
makes them culpable, even if they were not. You still have to take action if something goes wrong in
your life, and those actions are your responsibility regardless if youre at fault or not.

For example, if you pour coffee on someone, its your fault, and you have to take responsibility for it
even if it was an accident. You didnt pour the coffee on the person voluntarily, but the coffee is still
on his shirt. Saying sorry, you didnt mean to, and walking away wont make his shirt coffee-less.
This is how our society works you mess something up, you have to take account for it.

However, things occur in life where youre not culpable for what happened. For example, if it turns
out your baby will likely be born with a severe mental or physical illness. Its not your fault, but it is
still your responsibility to make a decision, and youll be responsible for that decision. Whatever you
choose will have life-long consequences and youll have to live with it.

The more responsible you become, the more control youll have over your life. Why? As soon as you

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accept responsibility for something you jump from past tense to present tense. Issues get solved
in the present. As long as you stay in the past, youll complain, try to find culprits, and victimize
yourself. These quasi-solutions might give you a peace of mind in the short term, but they wont
solve your problems.

You cant control the queue at the supermarket. Its not your fault that everybody else decided to
shop that morning, but it is your responsibility how you act: do you get angry and frustrated, stay on
the line against your better judgment, order food later, call your boss saying youll be a bit late, etc.?

Or you can stay in line, be late and take responsibility for the consequences. It was not fate, a past
life or the odds of shopping that conspired against you. It was just you, your bad time-management
and lack of willpower to get up in time. This is a solution too. It wont help you with your boss, but it
will give you a sense of being in control. Yes, you messed up, but you know you did and youre ready
to suffer the consequences.

Know your priorities. Which is more important: doing the shopping or arriving on time for your work?

Here are five steps you should think through to maximize your control and minimize hindrances in
a situation:

1. Know what you want to do.

2. Identify any potential uncontrollable event that could prolong or circumvent your plans.

3. Prepare prevention strategies to minimize uncontrollable events effect as much as possible.

4. If the uncontrollable event happens and it is worse than you expected, prioritize what is more
important for you to accomplish.

5. Make a decision and take responsibility for it.

These guidelines can be applied to minor things like the shopping misery mentioned above as
well as much bigger problems. Staying in control requires training. Analyze your reactions given
to stressful situations and note which has kicked you out of balance the most. Which are the living
areas where you struggle taking responsibility? What freaks you out the most? Apply the five-point
analysis mentioned above to get through the event with a clearer mind, more control, and less stress.

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Chapter 2

Are You a
Negative
Thinker?

Take the time to ask yourself this question: Am I a negative thinker? The fact is that your automatic
thought processes could be holding you back in life. Here we are going to cover some of the key
characteristics of negative thinkers. If you recognize any of the following traits in yourself, then it is
important that you learn to combat them and strive for a more positive mindset. Making this change
can have huge consequences and affect your life in a greater way than you would think.

Negative Feeling
Most of a negative thinkers counterproductive processes begin on the inside. Emotions we feel
are often a direct result of our thoughts. They begin as repetitive negative thoughts that occur as
a person goes about their daily business, but can grow to manifest into emotions ranging from
despondency to self-loathing. Instead of cultivating happiness inside ourselves, we are breeding
frustration, anxiety or sadness.

Rather than concentrating on the good in themselves and others around them, negative thinkers
are often blind sighted by failings and shortcomings. This can lead to constant internal criticism and
has a real impact on the perception that the person has of themselves and others. This severely
damages relationships, whether because the person cannot see past someone elses imperfections,
or they do not deem themselves worthy of the friendship at all.

Anxiety is one of the most prevalent emotions that we create in ourselves as a result of negative
thinking. We have thoughts of the future, things that have not even happened but when dwelled
upon leave us feeling constantly worried that something will go wrong. Negative thinkers spend a
lot of their time imagining those terrible what if scenarios. This creates feelings of fear and anxiety,
which in turn bring along more negative thoughts in a downward spiral.

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Negative Talking
Sometimes people can become negative communicators without even realizing. The likelihood is
that if what is going on in your mind is constantly negative, this will start being reflected in your
speech too. The way we communicate with the people around us can affect our lives profoundly in
many different areas. It could jeopardize marriages, damage relationships with children, alienate
friends and affect working life too.

Negative speech often involves words like cant and never.' They are very definitive terms that
allow no space for possibility. Negative talking filters out positive events and concentrates purely on
the things that have gone wrong or could go wrong. When you communicate negatively, this can
very quickly spread to other people around you too. For example, if one person in the office shoots
down an idea immediately, saying no way would work; suddenly the whole team feels dejected.

Not only do negative thinkers speak negatively about their situation, but also themselves. They are
found to frequently self-deprecate, automatically blaming themselves if something bad happens.
Friends may recognize this negativity and want to spend less time with you and distance themselves.
Other loved ones may pick up on it in their speech and thoughts without realizing it. Your negativity
may be affecting those around you more than you think. It is therefore even more important to
address it.

Negative Action
Negative thoughts and feelings when unchecked can easily turn into negative actions. As well as
speech, this can take other courses as well. A person can only store up so much negativity inside
before it overflows into their actions.

For example, lets imagine a man who has argued with a colleague at work that day. Rather than
putting it behind him on the drive home, getting stuck in rush hour traffic simply increases his
frustration. He dwells on his thoughts, still cursing his colleague and wonders what else is going to
go wrong today. He gets home, and the house is a mess. As he makes his way to the kitchen to find
something to eat, he trips over the dog. That may be all it takes for him to put his fist through the wall.
If this man had made an effort to recognize and rationalize his initial negative thoughts rather than
letting them pile on top of one another until they spilled over into his actions, he could have prevented
his outburst.

Similarly, a negative attitude towards ourselves can have a huge impact on the decisions we make
in our lives. For example, say there is a lady who has built up a lot of anxiety in life due to her
negative thoughts towards herself. Every time she sees someone laughing, she assumes they are

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laughing at her. When she sees someone looking at her she jumps to the immediate conclusion that
she is ugly or odd looking, or has dressed inappropriately. When she hears of a friend that is unwell,
she considers going to visit. But the negative thoughts she has nurtured inside tell her that she will
not be welcome, that she is not worth talking to and cannot make any difference. And so she misses
out on being a valuable encouragement and support to her friend.

How Serious Is The Impact Of Negative Thinking?

The spiral of negative thinking can both drive us to do things we will regret and that may hurt others
around us, or prevent us from doing things that would benefit us or the people around us. While
negative thinking can increase stress and anxiety that make life tougher, that is not where it ends.

Researchers believe that those with positive thinking patterns in their lives have a better immune
system for fighting off infections and even have a longer life span. They are less likely to develop
stress related illnesses such as heart disease and are less likely to be susceptible to mental illness
too. If you are a negative thinker, one of the best things you can do for your health and welfare is to
change the way you think and perceive.

Positive thinking is a mental state in which a person expects good things to happen. They believe
that a situation will turn out favorably for them. A positive attitude is one that anticipates happiness
and strives for it constantly. Positive thinkers are optimists. However, they do not lose touch with
reality. Instead of ignoring something that goes wrong, they will analyze the problem and strategize
to find a better way to tackle the situation next time.

Positive people use their words to build people up and not tear people down. They are constant
encouragers, supporting those around them and using language in a way that makes themselves
and their friends feel strong and empowered. Their determined mindset that makes the most out of
any situation is contagious. This means they can rally people around them, problem solve effectively,
gain support and succeed in many areas where the negative thinker could not.

How Can You Become A Positive Thinker?

When you are used to being a negative thinker, it requires a huge change and a complete turnaround
of your mindset to become a positive thinker. However, no matter how deep-set your habitual negative
thinking is, it does not have to be part of who you are forever. With practice and perseverance, you
can train yourself to capture the thoughts in your mind and transform them into something more
positive.

When you register a negative thought or reaction in your mind, dwelling on it makes it seem truer

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and can even make it a reality in your life. This leads to feelings of failure, disillusionment or other
negative emotions. Thoughts, emotions, and actions all manifest in a continuous loop of negativity
that greatly impacts someones life.

If you catch your thoughts early and override them with something more positive, this will change your
whole attitude about the situation. Rather than seeing failure, see an opportunity to try something
differently or a lesson to be learned. Forgive yourself for mistakes you make and move on quickly
to do better in the future. Allow yourself to dream about things you want to achieve and imagine
yourself succeeding to make it a reality.

When you feel negative emotions such as disappointment or fear taking hold, act fast and concentrate
on something positive, such as something you are grateful for or something you are in control of.
This will help you quash the feelings before they overwhelm you. Allow the positive thoughts in your
mind spill over into your speech. Consciously keep your voice positive and encouraging.

While a sudden switch to positive thinking overnight is ambitious, training yourself to have a healthier
thinking process is a great aim. Just being more aware and in tune with your thoughts, feelings and
speech is the best place to start. By stopping these automatic negative thoughts in their tracks, and
considering a more positive alternative, you can radicalize the way you think, perceive and make
decisions. This will not only make your happier but healthier and more successful too.

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Chapter 3

Cultivating
Optimistic
Thoughts

If you want to rise and achieve great things, then you have to uplift your thoughts and cultivate
more positive thoughts that work for you by removing any limiting beliefs or things that will hinder
your success. As long as you believe you're a victim of circumstance, then your circumstances and
conditions will continue to control you and work against you.

So if you use the victim mentality and believe that external conditions are working against you,
then they're likely to continue working against you. So you need to be conscious of all the negative
thought patterns and stop them in their tracks so that it doesn't occur in the future. Here are some
things you can do to remain more positive.
It's time to get rid of negative thought patterns and regain that sense of control in your life.

The first thing you can do is go on a two to four week no complaining challenge depending on your
preference. The most important factor is consistency. By not complaining for a long period, you will
become more conscious of how often you complain, and this will bring awareness to all the negative
things you are saying.

This is extremely important since complaints are closely linked to negative thought patterns. So,
what you are saying that is negative may also be thoughts that you're repeating to yourself. Try to
track how many complaints you usually have in a day. Then just jot them down on a piece of paper
and look for any reoccurring negative complaints that you indulge in. And try and figure out if you
have these, thought patterns are linked to your complaints.

Ongoing negative thoughts and complaints produce feelings of helplessness since complaining is
usually closely related to talking about how helpless you are. So, try and figure out if you have any
reoccurring negative thought patterns or complaints and then find out what triggers these thoughts
and what you can do about them to actively prevent them occurring in the future. How can you re-
frame them to work in your favor? Look at it as a challenge or a lesson to be overcome.

For example, at work, if you're faced with a difficult task, one way to go about it is to simply just
complain to your colleague and say, "I can't do this." The next way is to re-frame it and say that this
is a challenge, which makes it a more positive growing experience for yourself.

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Rather than complaining and creating helpless thought patterns and cultivating that feeling of
helplessness, you're growing. So by sticking to a specific period where you don't complain or attract
any negative thought patterns, it becomes a lot easier for you to reframe them in the future and
actively work on them and address them instead of letting them reoccur every time that circumstance
leads you to rethink those thoughts, negative thoughts.

Then you can address it by thinking, is that circumstance in your control or not. And if it is in your
control, do the best that you can to eliminate that negative thought and by working on fixing the
issue. If the negative thought pattern or complaints aren't in your control, then you can try your best
to re-frame the situation that will work for you, instead of against you. After all there's no point in
focusing all your energy on things that aren't inside your control.
Instead, bring your attention to things that are in your control and do the best that you can to rectify
the situation instead of indulging in helpless thoughts and complaints.

To recap, when you connect your thought patterns with complaints that you just keep experiencing,
write them down on a piece of paper and see whether it's in your control or not. Try to actively work
on it if it is within your control and reframe it more positively if it's not in your control. Try to challenge
these negative thoughts and assumptions that you're helpless or have no control of the situation;
you probably have more control than you think. Just flat out avoid using negative phrases, words,
and thoughts such as "I can't," "I'm unlucky" etc.

Try to create a thoughts journal or complaint journal for a specified time period and track a list of
all the reoccurring negative thoughts or complaints. Then you can gradually work on them as I said
previously.

Some aspects of your life may be taking care of, but your unhappiness in other areas of your life
may manifest itself as complaints or negative thought patterns. So by you directly working on your
overall mindset, other aspects of your life may see a rise in more positive thoughts and a reduction
in negative ones as well.

Improving Mood & Mindset

Here are some methods you can utilize that will have a positive impact on your thought patterns and
your mindset.

The first thing you can do is to practice gratitude; you can do this by creating a gratitude journal or
just thinking to yourself every day about the things you are grateful for.

This will draw your attention towards more positive things that are happening around you, and
attract other positive events for you to be grateful for. It will also make it a lot more difficult to dwell
on negative thoughts since your mind will be focusing on positivity and things that you're grateful for.

So create a list of 5 to 10 things that you are grateful for every day and you will naturally become
more conscious and aware of all the positive things that are taking place in your life. This should also
greatly reduce all of your awareness of complaints and negative thinking.

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Chapter 4

Self-Esteem

Self-esteem includes your relationship with yourself, your relationship with other people, and how
you feel in the company of others. Its your global sense of self-worth, how you value yourself, and
how you express your sense of self-worth to the world.

How you view your self-image, becomes the foundation your self-esteem is built on.

When we suffer from a sense of worthlessness, we are holding on to the beliefs that were defective,
different, or flawed. We feel that our sense of self-worth isnt good enough for the world, and so
we escape from the areas in which we feel vulnerable or rejected. This could be at home in family
situations, at work, or in social settings.

A low self-esteem impacts nearly every area of your life and contributes to negative beliefs of failure
and rejection. If we cannot value ourselves, we shouldnt expect anyone else to, either. Depending
on the outside world to increase your value always leads to disappointment.

Your sense of worth and happiness is developed from within, and no matter how much you try to
obtain it with external validation, it will never be enough. You cant rely on anyone to give you what
you lack in personal confidence.

This is an empowering realization. We can generate our levels of self-esteem and positivity. Its
important to have a strong support system in placepeople with whom you can discuss your
emotions and ideas.

Its up to you to be flexible and willing to implement these positive changes. There is no magic
formula for building self-esteem. It simply involves becoming aware that youre a person of worth
and that you do matter. The rest is constructing a new belief system to support this. It is up to you to
start that change, and in Part III of this book, you will find the tools to help you on this journey.

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Weak self-esteem is that deep-down feeling that youre not good enough for anyone. You feel
beneath other people. No matter how difficult you try to fit in, you can never match up to those who
look better, have more, or are more talented. Theres always someone who is better educated,
comes from a better home, has won awards and achievements, or has the best looking partner. And
you, of course, could never have any of these things.

Why?

You dont believe you deserve it. At the core of these defective beliefs, one of the most damaging is
that, not only are you inferior to the people you meet, you dont deserve nice things in life.

We start building painful beliefs like this one from childhood. Years of criticism, shame, lack of praise
or emotional trauma has ingrained our false beliefs that we are incapable and incompetent. This is
a debilitating condition constructed throughout the years.

Fortunately, it is not a permanent condition. We can reverse the effects and feel great about ourselves,
no matter what the personal history books say. The key is to stick with the plan for recovery and
never give up.

Many people feel inferior to others to a certain degree. And realistically speaking, some people have
more, look better, are more charming, or went to better schools. But these are not the reasons we
have low self-esteem.

People experience low self-esteem in different ways and different situations. Most of us with low
self-esteem are tapped into the negative and defective sides of our character.

Every day we are drip-fed doses of negativity in the form of an internal monologue, self-sabotaging
thoughts, and the voices of criticism from ghosts of the past. Most of the voices we are hearing arent
real; they are voices of those no longer with us, but we havent learned to let go of them yet.

Heres something Ted shared:

In my work, I had to meet with lots of clients at these social functions. I hated it. These are people
with degrees, connections, and high IQswell, many of them thought so. I was supposed to mingle
and make connections with these people, but I was terrified. I have always had this feeling deep in
my gut that I didnt belong there, that they would find out I was a fake and Id be humiliated once it
was discovered I hadnt gone to a prestigious university. I can remember after these functions were
finished, Id run from these people, the social pressure right on my heels.

Inferiority dysfunction has nothing to do with other people. We need to be clear about that. Ninety-five

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percent of what we are discussing in this book has very little to do with the opinions or attitudes of
others. Rather, its essentially how we interpret and assimilate information and allow it to control our
thoughts or create negative beliefs.

Certain beliefs and behaviors keep us trapped for years and even decades, as our self-defeating
attitudes and habits replay the same scenarios over and over again in our minds. We replay the
events that created our inferior personas. We listen to the voices of negativity and control as they
feed mixed and false messages about who we are. We think this is just the way life is supposed to
be.

The Traits of Low vs. High Esteem

These are the core traits of negative self-esteem. You can check any that apply to you. Then, once
you admit to know your negative thinking style we can look at the corresponding intentions.

Perfectionist attitude: I have to get this exactly right, or theyll think Im incompetent.
Mistrusting others: What do they want from me?
Blaming behavior: It wasnt my fault.
Fear of taking risks: What if I fail and look stupid?
Feelings of being unlovable: Nobody has ever loved me and nobody ever will.
Dependence: Letting others make decisions for me.
Fear of being ridiculed: Im not getting up in front of those people to give a speech. And have
them laugh when I get stuck on my words? No thanks.
Self-critical: I am such an idiot. Im just no good.
General negativity and unhappiness: Whats the point? Its hopeless.
Refuses to accept positive feedback: They said that I did a good job, but it was just luck.
Minimizes achievements or success: Anyone could have done this.
Withdrawn from situations in which there could be rejection or criticism: I think Ill pass on that
party invitation.
Less persistent after failing or making a mistake: Well, Ill never do that again.
Feeling unworthy becomes part of the identity: Im a loser. Its just who Ive always been.
Creates a resistance to positivity: I just dont see anything good coming out of this situation.

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Chapter 5

Creating
a Positive
Self-Image

How about a blueprint that outlines the best principles of life for creating a perfect and positive you?
I dont know about you, but I would have been very interested in getting my hands on something like
that.

Unfortunately, life doesnt exactly work that way. For most people, a positive self-image is something
that takes a lot of effort. The world is a volatile place, and our positive self-image is constantly under
attack. Sometimes it feels as if were defending our territory against all the negative influences out
there on a daily-basis!

This is part of the great and ongoing challenge! Now we have already discussed the negative
emotions that attack our positive selves. So why, despite our best intentions, do we feel ourselves
being pulled back by these forces that continue to chip away at us?

First of all, please consider the following questions. Take your time to think about your responses.
Your answers will help to clarify the best path to take when it comes to building and creating your
positive self-image.

1. What are you feeling about yourself right now?

2. If someone asked you, Are you successful? what would you say?
3. If someone asked you, Are you a failure? what would you say?
4. If someone asked you to define yourself in twenty words or less, how would you respond?
5. After reading through the negative mindsets, what mindset impacts you the most? How has
this affected your positive self-image?
6. Are you blaming someone for the negative experiences in your life? Are you ready to let this
go?

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How to Protect Yourself Against Image Destroyers

Creating a positive image of the person you want to be is highly recommended. But how do you
protect yourself against the people who criticize, attack or try to undermine you in some way? These
types of people are detrimental to our mental and emotional health.

First of all, if you struggle with self-esteem issues, or are overly sensitive to criticism and rejection,
being around people who are looking for someone to target is going to create a stressful situation. If
you were raised by a critical parent or you endured years of rejection, you are most likely sensitive
around people whom you sense are image destroyers. These types of people almost seem to seek
out prey and look for areas of weakness to attack.

We could experience this in love, relationships, marriage, or through co-workers. If you find yourself
in the company of an image destroyer, how do you deal with that? If you are working on your positive
image, being surrounded by this tension is going to rip at your mental health.

Here are the strategies for bringing more self-love and acceptance into your life.

1. Identify the image destroyer. The first step is to identify the person and tag them as an image
destroyer. These people may appear overly aggressive, or they might have passive aggressive
tendencies. They are nice to you one minute, but theyll turn on you the next. When we
encounter these people, we are tempted to walk on eggshells around them. Its like trying to
maneuver around a sleeping giant. You dont want to cause trouble, so you play it safe,
hoping that they dont find out how sensitive you are.

The bottom line here is to stand up for yourself. When you encounter people who are critical, angry
or demanding, it has nothing to do with you. It is all about perception. They are as strong as we make
them out to be. But, remember that the image destroyer in most cases is carrying self-esteem issues
of their own. They commonly use aggression or bullying to avoid dealing with their issues.

2. Realize that it isnt all you. I have encountered several people who were image destroyers.
They looked for the opportunity to attack, criticize or shame someone. It isnt pretty, but they
exist, and we need to protect ourselves, so they cant damage our positive self-image.

Most people you will work with or interact with may be fair, respectful, and professional. But image
destroyers are different. They tend to make their own rules and expect you to follow them. It could be
a manager, a neighbor, or depending on the nature of your relationships, someone in your immediate
family.

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One core reason we struggle with self-image is that we are dealing with so many conflicting negative
emotions. We want to be more positive but are plagued by negative thoughts. We want to be more
assertive and proactive, but we deal with self-criticism. We desire to connect and interact at a
deeper level with others, but find ourselves isolating instead. This isn't protecting you from anything,
and is actually only making the potential problem worse.

Take a minute to think about the image you have of yourself. When you connect with your personality
and character, how do you feel about who you are? Do you feel weak or strong? Do you have a
positive or a negative image of yourself?

When we look back at all of the negativity we have survived over the years, it should be surprising
that the image and vision we have of ourselves is weak. Identifying where you are with your self-
image is the first step to massive change. You have to see yourself as you are, and then you need to
visualize yourself as you want to be. Any pains, struggles, or challenges you have faced in the past
are only making you stronger, smarter, and more grounded.

Many people are stuck because they are sitting at phase one, and they only see themselves as who
they are. To make it worse, they are hooked in to listening to the old recordings of the past, feeding
negative images into their subconscious all day.

Think about this: How would you feel if you listened to a voice inside your mind (not your own) that
was feeding you a message that sounded like this:

"You are nothing. Youve always been nothing. Everybody is better than you and, no matter
what you do, youll fail at it. Youre ugly, and you have no real potential for anything. Just
give up before you make a fool out of yourself."

You might think this is an exaggerated example, but many people, even when theyre unaware of it,
are tapped into a mental voice that is controlling the show. Most days we dont even know it is there
because its so subtle, like a lion that hides in waiting in tall grass. Its the wounded child who never
got to play with the other kids. The one who was criticized, humiliated, abandoned, and learned to
fear the world.

Youve been kept back from pursuing the life you dreamed of and building the reality that you wanted
because somebody else decided long ago that you arent worthy of having it. That somebody is you.
It is the voice of reason and damnation that has been controlling your decisions, your choices, and
your behaviors.

One person said they called it, The beast that never sleeps. It is more than just a negative voice
in your head. Many have bought into the lie that they have to settle or areworthless, useless, or
just plain failures.

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Consider a successful businessperson who never believed that he was good enough to be with the
real successful people. These thoughts and vices, these beliefs, were fed to him through years of
conditioning. He may not even realize when it's happening. When youre treated like your nothing,
told lies about what you are worth by the people you trusted the most, it becomes your identity. You
absorb this as the only reality you know, regardless of whether it is true or not.

But we know they were wrong. All of them. Your level of success and how you feel about yourself
has nothing to do with what anyone else says or does. People with high levels of self-esteem and
confidence will tell you: Bad words roll off me like water off a ducks back. That is fine, and we can
accept that now, but how about a child who doesnt know any better?

As children, were still forming our self-images of who we are supposed to be. At that time in our
lives, we dont have the experience or maturity to forge our destiny. So, we do the only thing we
know how: We trust the people who are taking care of us to fill in the gaps, teach us about life, and
praise our victories whether we win or lose...but it doesnt always happen this way.

Why am I telling you this? So, we can learn to understand and accept that whatever happened in
the past, while it cant be undone, we can decide now to improve our lives for the future. Nothing will
change until you decide to take a stand and move forward. Learn from your past, grow from your
past, but do not repress your past.

It is this attachment to our past pain that is keeping us stuck there. As someone once said to me:
You can always remember the bad stuff that was done, but there is good stuff, too. Take that and
move forward with it." When you get stuck in the victim mentality, it becomes you. Your pain shapes
your future, you choose how.

This brings us to the crossroads. Your self-image is in need of a makeover, and we can start to work
on it right here and now. You can decide whether you want to listen to those negative voices or turn
them off. You can silence the power they have over you. It begins with a decision.

The Not Now Technique

One technique I employed over the years is what I call the not now technique. Whenever my mind
began racing with fearful, negative thoughts that switched on those voices feeding into my head, I
would simply say, not now and turn it off.

By inserting these words, I was interrupting the flow of negativity. In doing this, I made myself aware
of what was happening instead of just letting it happen. I was free to choose the thoughts I wanted,
and create the language that communicates with my mind.

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The Five Minute Mirror Technique

Before I continue, I want you to take some time out. This is a short exercise that may make you a
little uncomfortable. But to reach where you want to be, you have to get ready for discomfort. The
reason you wont like it is that youve possibly been avoiding it.

This mirroring technique was taught to me years ago. For five minutes, you are going to have a
conversation with your mirror self. I suppose, if you are more technologically savvy, you could just
talk to yourself on video just make sure you are looking at yourself for the exercise.

In this conversation, you will talk about:

What youre grateful for in life. Who are you grateful for? Do you have a job you love?
Do you live in a nice house?
The traits you like about yourself. Start with one trait. What is it? Are you honest? Do
you have integrity? What are you really good at?
What are you avoiding? Why? What fears do you have about yourself? About other
people? Discuss this with your mirror image.

Why a mirror? Well, few of us feel comfortable looking in the mirror and talking to ourselves.

For example: Heres what I didnt like about myself: I would suppress my feelings as a way to escape
from reality. I avoided the things I didnt want to have to deal with. This habit was very difficult for me
to change. But the only way I could change it was by recognizing it.

Give yourself five minutes for this. You can even record it and play it back later. This is the real work
that makes change possible. But remember, it took years for you to condition yourself to feel bad
about who you are. Youve worked hard at building negative self-image. You will have to work at
breaking yourself of those same negative habits.

The Formula for Empowering Your Image

It takes time to build up an empowering and confident image of yourself after you've been broken. As
we set out to make changes in our emotional and mental states, we find that we are up against those
inner voices that wont leave us alone. Know that they are not real. No fear, doubt, negative issue or
negative belief is going to jump out and bite you if you make a mistake! They are simply impressions
of old voices and opinions that your mind has recorded. After all, you are in total control of your mind.

Up until now it maybe appeared that you had no choice in how you were living. But now we know

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that isnt true. Have you ever heard the expression "Life is what happens while you're busy making
other plans" There are a couple of ways to look at this, don't fall for the victim mentality. I prefer to
look at life less as what happens to me, and more about my reactions to those happenings. After all
experiences are what life is really about not how close you were to your original plan.
You can empower your character to know no limits.

How to Overcome Negative Conditioning

It is easy for us to judge others when they cant fight back. But do you consider how the world sees
you? Take this a step further. How do you visualize yourself? Are you a positive influence? For many
years, I wasnt. I had a bad habit of seeing the worst in others and using that as a benchmark to sum
up their character. But seeing the damaging effect that it had on my emotional well-being, I made a
decision not to be that type of person.

We should set boundaries within ourselves. For example, can you catch yourself when you start to
criticize your mistakes or when you fail to meet your goals or personal expectations? Do you have
healthy boundaries that kick in when you have gone too far in undermining yourself and comparing
yourself to other people?

It is one thing when boundaries are elicited upon us. We are expected to follow the rules, and many
of us do, but how about the rules we set for ourselves?

Draw the line on your negative patterns of defeat. By drawing on your self-actualization, you can
consciously choose what is acceptable. You dont have to wait for permission. You can change your
life and your mindset, it's your choice.

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Chapter 6

The
Paradox of
Responsibility

We live in the age of freedom of speech, freedom of expression and free Wi-Fi. I grew up with internet.
It has grown from dial-up, to cable, to DSL, to Wi-Fi. Ultimately, were the absolute beneficiaries of a
lot of values that have been earned through the sacrifice and blood of our ancestors no longer than
two generations ago.

Today we can access everything so easily, with so little sacrifice that we dont even consider them as
values, rather things taken for granted. We feel entitled to certain things even though we did nothing
to earn them.

Easy pleasures bring with them two main existential issues:

A. It's quicker and easier for people to take everything for granted. For example, there is a trial
for free Wi-Fi on an airplane. Lets say someone messes something up and cuts internet
access for everybody after only fifteen minutes. Following the mistake, a mini-riot breaks
out on the plane, people start demanding an in-flight internet connection. Wi-Fi on airplanes
is very uncommon, and hardly ever happens for free, or at all. Still, the passengers after only
fifteen minutes of usage got so used to the comfort of it that they thought of it as the new
normal. They felt entitled to their demand even if they never had internet connection on a
plane before.

B. People feel entitled and think they should get something for nothing. In the past fifty or sixty
years, living standards radically improved in the Western world. Everything became more
accessible, easier, and faster. Weirdly enough the happiness level didnt raise with them.
In fact, today the number of patients with mental illness, depression and anxiety problems is
still increasing!

As self-importance grows and grows, the importance the world gives to the individual shrinks and
shrinks.

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Why? On the one hand, peoples self-importance turns into narcissism and prevents them from
caring about others self-importance turned-narcissism. On the other hand, the many distractions in
the world make it impossible to catch the tail of time and do everything one wants. Caring about your
issues probably wont be someone elses top three priorities. And it shouldnt be. Even if you build
your hopes upon the self-deception that someone else will solve your problems, they wont.

The world is not responsible for you. Youre responsible for yourself in the world.

Freedom isnt free, is a relatively common saying in the United States. Even though this saying was
merely used to support the purpose of a war fought for the values of the country, it can be related to
everyday life freedom as well. Your everyday freedom of choice and security has to be earned with
sacrifice. This sacrifice can be taking the time to search for solutions by yourself - as I did, saying no
to the alternatives to the thing you want, and taking responsibility all the time.

How can you handle a challenge quickly, take responsibility, and excludeyour reliance on the world
to save you?

I collected eight questions you can ask yourself to address your problems without relying on others
properly:

1. What is the challenge?

2. Why is it a challenge?

3. Where do I stand on this matter? Am I the initiator or the one being dragged into this story?

4. What do I know about the problem?

5. What are the fields I need to learn about the problem?

6. What could be the hidden traps?

7. How can I correct the deficiencies?

8. How could its possible outcome affect me?

Lets see how can you apply the questions above to take responsibility for a job interview. You
applied for a job that matches your profile, and it would meet your expectations. You care about the
outcome and dont want to leave it to chance.

1. What is the challenge? To get the job.

2. Why is it a challenge? - There is no guarantee you will get it.

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 Agents of Influence

3. Where do you stand on this matter? You are the initiator, you applied for the job.

4. What do you know about the job? You know information about the company. You understand
the job description, and you have all the required skills.

5. What are the fields you need to learn about the job? Research on about tricky questions in
job interviews, in general, and in your specific field. Prepare for them.

If you know there are gray areas in your knowledge regarding the position, dont be lazy, look them
up.

6. What could be the hidden traps? Hidden traps usually are those things that you dont know
about or dont realize you should know. Like an unexpected request to complete a task related
to the job or some skills that werent mentioned in the job description but they are highly
appreciated if you have them.

These are the moments when you have to rely on your confidence, your security about being sure
you are fit for the chosen position and all your knowledge of the job. These ordeals serve the
sole purpose of testing your endurance, stress-handling ability, and capability of controlling an
uncomfortable situation. If you count on something to appear during your interview, you can prepare
mentally beforehand. You cant be ready for the exercise or question itself, but you can be ready to
execute anything without dealing with the shock of a complete surprise.

7. How can I correct the deficiencies? By mentally preparing for the obstacles that could fall
in your way. Use your persistence, willpower, and convincing ability to sell yourself; even if
you dont have the necessary theoretical knowledge required. Your self-confidence,
unshakable interest towards the job, and a strong work ethic are the real assets of the
company. Make your interviewers focus on that.

8. How could its possible outcome affect me? The best-case scenario is that you get the job.
The worst-case scenario means you dont get the job. If the latter happens, feel free to ask
what the reasons where that you didnt succeed. Was it something you did wrong? Did they
look for some other qualities? Try to get to the bottom of the problem. Pain and disappointment
might blindside you if the outcome is negative but try to stay collected and get as much
knowledge as possible about what you need to improve for your next attempt.

I've actually been offered a position after initially not being selected because I expressed a
genuine interest in why I was not chosen and how I could improve on myself for the future. Ultimately,
I turned it down.

Bottom line is you must take responsibility for yourself because nobody else will.

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Chapter 7

Fail for
The Better

Sh*t happens. Despite our best attempts, failure and pain will invade our lives from time to time. It
doesnt matter how self-disciplined, focused, or positive we are, failure is an inevitable component
of life.

In fact, it would be a bad system if it kept you from failure. It would prevent you from meeting your
greatest teacher. True greatness and success comes from the multitude of tiny or big failures. If you
know someone who is very good at what she does, she went through a lot of failures to get there. If
you feel that you are inferior in something to someone, it means you probably didnt experience as
many face-palms from failure as the other person did.

When you learned to talk, you mispronounced a cartload of words, you babbled and sometimes
confused words and meanings. Still, you didnt give up until you learned to talk. As a child, you never
thought that talking maybe wasnt for you and never said a word again.

Giving up and looking at failures with a bad eye is a non-childlike approach. Sooner or later your life
comes to the point where you simply would do anything to avoid failure especially in public.

Ironically, most of your failures come from bad standards you set yourself. For example, if you say
I want to be the smartest on my team, that sets you into a fragile position where you lose control
over the situation. You cant control how much Jim knows or studies, or how talented Jack is at
presentations. Youll be anxious, constantly in a fight with the world, depending on others. You chose
a bad standard to measure up to. If you choose I want to improve my presentation skills from good
enough to very good" or "I want to be better than last time youll be able to reach your standard
without failing, regardless of the performance of others. You will be in control.

Set your standards within your control zone to stop exposing yourself to avoidable failures.

Failure is a feeling that we interpret more or less the same way. It is that devastating feeling of loss,
anxiety, and sadness. The difference is how much time each of us needs to get over a failure.

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Some of us appear to deal with it magically and will even smile shortly afterward. Many toss and turn
for days, contemplating about why it happened. Others feel the need to talk about it all the time; yet
in contrast, some dont say a word with an apathetic stare. Some people often become angry if you
try to help them after a failure.

Generally speaking, there are four failure-handling archetypes:

The silent ones: Those who never share anything with others but process all the bitterness inside.
If somebody else has an issue, they are good listeners, as long as they dont have to say anything
about themselves. In a relationship, it is very difficult to help a silent one because they rarely open
up.

The victim: Why me again? I am so unfortunate. Poor me, please pity me. In some regard, they
are the opposite of the silent ones because they talk a lot. The more people they tell how ill-fated
they are, the better they feeltemporarily. In a relationship, it would seem to be easy to help them
since they tell everything about their issue. The problem appears when the partner realizes that the
victim doesnt want to get over the problem but rather to discuss it repeatedly. Being and staying a
victim is almost a must for them.

The interrogators: This type is quite rare and is a mish-mash of the first two categories. When they
have a problem, they try to get over it by asking a lot of questions from the people around them.
Interrogators ask their questions in a way to find out if their partner had experienced something
similar in their life. If so, they try to come up with solutions for their partner, but in fact, they are
seeking answers for themselves.

The aggressors: They live by the rule the best defense is a good offense. If they face failure,
they become irritated, and Heavens have mercy on those who try to help them. They channel their
disappointment by being rude and refusing any help. It is not a good solution to give them space
either because then theyll feel ignored and neglected which also fuels their aggression. It essentially
just becomes a circle of frustration.

These four types are loss-handling mechanisms of different personality types. None of them is
better or worse than the other. None of them deals faster or slower with failure. The subconscious
use of these patterns extends the length of failure management. If we know about these patterns,
we can identify which group we belong to and reduce the toss-and-turn time of overcoming a failure.
When we can recognize what our pattern is, we can shorten the time of suffering by channeling our
attention towards more productive goals like to learn from the failure.

If you are a silent one, and you know that keeping it all in just makes the suffering more intense as it
poisons your day, find someone you can talk to in confidence. May be read an inspirational book or

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 Agents of Influence

go to the gym. The main thing is to break the habit; you will have to experiment to find what works for
you. As an attorney, coach, mentor, I have clients regularly confide in me when they need someone
to listen. You can exchange messages every day if necessary. All of your information and data is
kept strictly confidential. If you need to talk to someone who doesnt know you personally, it can be
a good option.

Victims should channel their urge and talk in a different direction. Talk about your problems once
but for the sake of seeking a solution, not for the sake of complaining. As soon as you start the self-
pity part, consciously change topics. Ask your friends to help you in this endeavor by drawing your
attention to whenever you complain. You can organize complaint-free days for yourself. Challenge
yourself by consciously stopping yourself from complaining for twenty-four, forty-eight or seventy-
two or more hours. You can even come up with clever punishments like putting a dollar into a jar
whenever you complain. Commit to giving the amount in the jar to some charitable purpose you
dont like. If you hate Republicans, give the money to the Republican Party or vice versa, if you
hate Democrats, give the money to them. The point is to commit to giving your money to someone
or something you dislike. The point is, youll be highly motivated not to donate many dollars to that
jar. You can achieve that simply by not complaining.

The interrogators are on a good path to solving their problems. They ask questions and seek an
answer to them. Their problem mostly is that they cant stay in the center of the conversation. They
feel the need to drag the attention from their failure to others failures when possible. They feel
ashamed by the attention. Don't be! Everybody fails! Pay attention to the advice and experiences
you gather. Remember the useful advice you learned and contemplate your new attitude about your
failure. Youre not alone in your failure.

For the aggressors, the best way to handle failure is to channel their anger into doing something
that doesnt directly involve people, such as an individual sports activity. Usually, when aggressors
spit hellfire on somebody to get through disappointment, they will still have to deal with the feeling
of remorse. The best course of action is not to replace a problem with another - as switching failure
to remorse but to seek alternative anger-reducing methods. Physical fitness and meditation are
excellent options, together or separately.

Generally speaking, you shouldnt take failures personally. Just because you didnt succeed this
time, doesnt make you a failure. In fact, this kind of event helps you to become more persistent, self-
disciplined, and wise. I like to look at each failure as the next step towards success. Through failure,
your old weaknesses become your new strengths. This is why it is crucial to approach it analytically.

Ask yourself these questions. Why did I fail? What actions might have brought a better outcome?
Was the failure completely beyond my control?

After gathering the facts, take a step back and ask: What did I learn from this?

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Sometimes we are not so affected by failure but rather by what others might say about our misfortune.
Let it go. Those who will identify you by your failures are insignificant people that you are better off
not associating with.

Dont try to hide your failure. A brave step of acceptance can bring you more respect than trying to
sweep it under the carpet.

People never learn as much from their successes as they learn from their failures. Success doesnt
come for free. That only makes it taste so much better when we reach it. So, learn to embrace
failure, make peace with it, and learn to grow.

Make peace with your previous failures if they still haunt you.

Go to a place where you experienced a significant failure a few years ago. It can be your old school,
a sports center, a workplace I went back to law school to a classroom where I was completely
unprepared for an assignment that was due. I was told that I would not be able to hand in the report
late and would have to take a zero! When this happened, I thought it was the end of the world, and
I never be okay again. I thought I was going to fail the course and have to find a new career.

For several weeks after that class, I was avoiding that professor like the plague. But one day I
decided to go back to visit. I bought a coffee on the way in and walked to the professor's office. When
I arrived, I was expecting to feel some cathartic moment of liberation, but I felt nothing. I was long
over it. I had just nonsensically clung to the pain and failure. Looking back, having this realization
was the moment when I could let go of my breakdown for good, keeping the lessons and move on.

Facing again a place where you had a negative shock in the past can be sobering. As you see that
nothing is left there that remembers your pain, shame, or disappointment - you can heal. To leave the
past and pain behind for good, write on a paper every bad, sad, infuriating, unjust, painful, damaging
feeling and thought you had at the place where you are. Tear the paper apart, burn it if you can do it
safely, bury it, throw rocks at it, anything that will release you from any tension you still have.

When youre done, leave.

Failure is something you shouldnt depress about for too long. However, there are other events, not
necessarily failures but rather changes that you also need to accept and let go to move on with your
life.

Jess and Jane were best friends since childhood. They shared their toys as kids and even went to
the same high school. During their college years, they grew apart, got to know different people, and
simply didnt have the same interests anymore. They forced to keep up the friendship for old times

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sake, but they felt awkward around each other. They only shared the same nostalgic stories each
time they met for a coffee. When one of them started to share information about her new life, the
other was non-supportive and judgmental. They were not the same people anymore.

As time passes, we change and grow. Sometimes we try to cling to the past, but it is often just a
waste of energy and a fear of moving on. It can be difficult, especially if we leave behind something
or someone who made us feel good in the past. We fear whether the future could hold something at
least as good for us.

If you create tunnel vision for yourself because youre afraid of the unknowable future, it will only
hold you back. Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and start being excited for what could go
right!

Try to recall a situation when you finally said, I'm moving on! How did you feel after letting that go?
Was it liberating?

These are examples of the typical factors that hold you back from letting go of a relationship.

Growing apart from somebody Just as in the previous story, sometimes we evolve away from
each others core values. This doesn't have to be a negative thing. People grow at different rates.

People who affect you negatively Some people have a bad influence on you. Sometimes
you cannot detect it directly, but if after meeting with them you continuously feel depressed and
weakened, it is not a good sign.

Not letting go of an old grudge Somebody has hurt you, cheated on you, or mistreated you.
It was quite unfair, but holding on to it will harm only one personyou. It will keep you away from
present opportunities and happiness.

Your needs and goals changed You change just like the seasons, the moon, and nature changes.
It is natural, healthy even. So, stop feeling guilty if something you wanted four years ago doesnt
apply anymore. Acknowledging the need to start over requires real power.

Let it go!

Do you feel frustrated about something? Cry it outloudly and openly. If you keep it in, it can
manifest in physical illness. Engage in a new activity. Learn a new skill or just introduce a physical
habit into your life. Turning your focus to something new and pleasurable can help build the bridge
between a bitter past and the promising future.

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Are you angry? Dont try to avoid this feeling; rather, feel it fully. If you try to hide it or keep it in,
it will burst out inevitably and may hurt innocent people. Continue to remind yourself that nothing
lasts forever and neither will anger. Try to understand what triggered this anger and where your
responsibility lies.

If you feel it would give you a peace of mind, express your thoughts about your anger to the person
(or thing), that triggered it. Just wait until after the red fog disappears. Otherwise, nothing constructive
will come out of it! Trust me.

Are past relationships holding you back? Try to un-romanticize the bond and face the facts. Make an
unbiased list of good and bad things you experienced in this relationship. It will help you to see that
more things weigh on the negative side, and thats why the relationship stopped in the first place.

There are always bigger and better opportunities if you are open to them. Do your best to love yourself
as much as possible. When you learn to love yourself, you wont need the emotional validation from
others so badly.

Know that when the rain is over the sun will always come out. If you know that something good will
follow youll let go much easier. Everything with work out in the end. You don't need to know how;
you just have to trust that it will.

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Conclusion
There is nothing more fulfilling than a life well-lived. This book is a stepping-stone to a new level of

freedom and success in life.

Enough with the life half-lived in which we let others determine how good we are! From now on, it is

up to each of us to decide how much we are worth and to recognize that nobody else is qualified to

make that decision.

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