whats trapped inside?

Mahnum Malik
 Text copyright Mahnum Malik, 2017

All rights reserved

The moral right of the author has been asserted

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above,

no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or
introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any
form or by any means (electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior
written permission of above the copyright owner and author
of this book.
To my late grandfather, who always taught me to never
be afraid of what life throws at me, and instead, to
conquer it with the utmost strength
 Emotions theyre always described as something we feel, what we
feel when were happy or what we feel even when were not. But
what we never talk about, what society never talks about are the
reasons that we feel those emotions in the first place. Those reasons
are normally treated as if they arent even there; as if they dont
matter but they do. And at the same time; we refuse to
acknowledge the fact that its okay for us to let our emotions down us,
to let them overwhelm us. Its human nature for us to not accept what
we truly feel.

People say that what you do and what happens to you shapes the rest
of your life, but they dont just shape your life; they define you, they
define the person you are on the inside, they define what you feel.
Every single emotion, even the invisible ones define you, in every
aspect of life without you ever even knowing it.

-Mahnum Malik
 Contents

Grief .. 5

Fear ... 16

Joy ... 27

Misery ..... 38

Revulsion . 49

Anger . 60

Love .... 71

Anxiety ..... 82

Hope .. 93

Acceptance ... 104

 Grief
Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.

-Mark Schwahn
10:12 pm

The dark empty sky, without even a single trace of

clouds, seemed to reflect on the emptiness I was feeling
inside. The tall bare trees seemed to tower above me as I
walked towards the grave site, almost as if they were
reaching out as if to consume me I hadnt cried, not
once. And that may seem odd but I just couldnt, and I
knew that even if I had wanted to cry I wouldnt have
been able to. I felt as if I had forgotten how to feel; how
to live, how to laugh or even how to cry. I didnt know
what to feel, what to think, what to do I didnt feel any
emotion, I just felt empty. I felt as if there was now this
big part of my life missing that I would never, not even
in a million years be able to replace. All I could focus on
was the call I had gotten in the morning. Those four
simple words that would have seemed so insignificant,
the words that I never would have thought could carry so
much weight. Those four simple words they now kept
on repeating inside my head; taunting me, as if they were
threatening to destroy me. We found a body.
11:22 pm

It all just seemed so fake; the cold hands patting me on

my shoulder, the stiff awkward hugs, the brief words of
condolence. All these people who barely even knew the
now cold, pale body lying motionless in the coffin, were
just there for show. They werent really affected by it,
life would go on. And I guess thats when I realized
something life would go on. I would have to move on,
have to get over it, and have to bury all of my grief
where no one would ever see it again. I would have to
act as if everything was completely normal and as if
nothing had changed, as if it had never even happened in
the first place. I would have to put up a faade, pretend
as if I had finally learnt how to breathe again. I knew I
had to do it, what choice did I have? But I guess as time
went by I would forget; forget about all the pain and the
sorrow, about the irony of it all, about how utterly
incomplete I felt. I knew I had to forget. But as I sat
there I asked myself this; I knew I had to forget. But
would I really have the strength to actually do it?
11: 54 pm

The wind blew through my unruly hair I hadnt even

bothered to brush it, as I passed the local graveyard. And
that was when I noticed something; I noticed how all of
the gravestones were lined one by one, in such a uniform
manner that you would think someone dies every day.
And they do, people do die every die. And the sad reality
of it all is that there is absolutely nothing that you can do
to stop it. No matter how many candles you light, or
surgeries you undergo, or prayers you say; all youre left
with at the end of the day is a permanent hole in your
heart and in your life that you know you are never
going to be able to fill. Children are still going to be
brutally murdered in terrorist attacks, soldiers are never
going to come home, patients are always going to fear
the fact that their life can end at any given second. And
as we sit there, hoping and praying that we dont receive
any bad news we realize how completely and utterly
helpless we can truly feel. And the worst part is that
there is nothing that we can do to stop that.
12: 02 am

Theres a moment in your life when you realize

something. You realize that funerals arent really for the
dead, theyre for the living. A chance for them to say one
last goodbye. We mourn our losses; whether its for a
friend, or a mother, or a father, or a sister, or a brother.
We mourn and we grieve. We reflect back on what
weve done and what we could have done. We cherish
all the memories, both good and bad and keep them as
close to our hearts as humanly possible. We slowly learn
to let go, we learn to after a while stop mourning stop
grieving. But at the same time on that day. The day we
lower the bodies of our loves ones deep into the
ground it is that day when we are at our worst. It is
that day when our throats tightly close up, when we can't
speak, when our eyes turn red with unshed tears. We
think, and we ponder on how our lives could have
possibly turned into this, in the blink of an eye. How
our lives stopped moving on, how were stuck here
frozen, never moving forward. So yes, funerals arent for
the dead. Theyre for the living, so they can say
goodbye. But how can they?
5:22 pm

It is often said that grief isnt just felt when you lose a
person, when you lose someone you love. Grief; in its
very definition can also be felt when you lose yourself.
When you feel as if you have absolutely no control over
what you do or even think anymore, its as if youve lost
complete control over yourself; over your body, over
your mind And a lot of people say that you can get
better and that oh, youll be back to normal in no time
but that is not, in any way true. Because once you lose
yourself, once you forget the purpose of your very
existence, once you cant even think of a single reason to
do something as normal as laugh well theres no going
back from that. Were never taught or even told about
what people actually go through in their lives. What we
are taught is to pity the dead, but what we dont realize
most of the time is that the ones who should actually be
pitied are the living. Because there is absolutely nothing
worse than knowing youre surviving but never actually
being given the chance to live. Theres a very big
difference between those two things; living and
surviving. But most of the time we fail to even notice
that its there.
6:05 pm

It is at the time of death, at the time we lose those who

we cherish and keep close to us when we feel utterly
incomplete and helpless. But at the same time, we
ponder over the fact that maybe death isnt as horrible as
it may seem. We are grateful for that fact that our loved
ones have moved onto a better life and that they are at
peace. We hope that they found whatever it was that they
were looking for and that they are as happy as they can
be. We hope that all of our prayers have been answered
and that all of the time we spent with them was enough.
We hope that we never did anything to hurt them or
cause them any pain, that we were constant sources of
joy for them. We hope that they had happy lives and that
they were content in the little time they had on Earth. We
hope that they never experienced any sort of misery. We
tell ourselves all of this in the hopes of making ourselves
feel better, in the hope of making our grief and pain just
a little less. Or at least we try.
6:42 pm

Death. Its a simple word, and you would think that

such a word would have barely any impact at all.
However, to most people in the world it is usually this
word that threatens to destroy their lives. And the irony
is that the people who actually die arent even the ones
most affected by it; it is those whose loved ones leave
them and those who will never see one of their family
members or friends again, they are the ones that suffer
the most. It is the orphaned children, the widowed
spouses, the parents who lose their children, the siblings
who lose their brothers and sisters, the friends who lose
some of the only people who understood them. It is them
who suffer the most; it is them who feel as if their lives
are falling apart and that their lives will never be normal
again. It is them who are never going to hear those
people laugh again, or listen to their soothing voices, see
their comforting smiles, or experience their warm hugs.
It is them who have lost a part of their lives, a part of
themselves that they are never going to get back, even if
they keep on telling themselves otherwise. They are left
in pure despair and torture, without anyone to save them
from their self-made pits of hell.
7: 15 pm

I watched as the men slowly lowered the long, shiny

black coffin deep into the ground, specs of dirt getting
on their freshly ironed black suits. I stood completely
motionless as my family members went one by one;
reading out their eulogies from papers covered with
splattered ink blots and spilt tears. However, I didnt pay
attention to a single word being said no matter how
meaningful it may have been. All I could focus on was
the hint of black seen 5 feet underground, and that was
where it would stay for years to come; locked up and
trapped, much like the happiness of many of the people
dressed in black, standing in uniform lines to say
goodbye. I was suddenly brought out of my thoughts
when I felt a cold hand touch my shoulder and a head tilt
towards the coffin. I slowly walked towards it, the
unshed tears in my eyes blurring my line of sight.
Picking up a handful of the coarse brown dirt I slowly let
it fall onto the shiny surface of the coffin. I quietly stood
and waited for everyone to leave, and didnt say a word
as they all passed by me offering stiff hugs as they went
their separate ways. I felt myself slowly sink to the
ground, my cheeks suddenly feeling wet
2:51 pm

Hearing the word grief one might usually think of

death and how you may lose someone to it. But grief in
its very definition is not just that. We grieve every single
day, over the loss of friends, of family members, of
memories not just to death but to all other forms of
tragedy and pain. To betrayal, to words, to actions meant
to hurt you in the worst way possible. We grieve over
what weve lost and how were never going to get them
back, over the memories made over the time span of
countless years. Yet at the same time, we grieve and we
feel regret of why we ever made those choices those
mistakes in the first place. And then all were left with is
a ton of regret, and endless memories that we grieve
every second of every day. We wish we had those
memories back, even if just for a second. We wish we
could turn back time; back to when everything was
better, when we were happy. We wish we could have all
those memories back, all those places, all those people.
Yet deep down we know that were never going to get
those things back, at least not the way they used to be.
3:28 pm

One of the worst moments of your life is the moment

when you realize that you have truly and completely lost
yourself, or at least the person you used to be. It happens
in an instant at the most random of times; while sitting
on a swing, while going to sleep, while crying your eyes
out or even while laughing your heart out. You realize
that youre just not the same anymore; youre no longer
that little girl or boy who everyone thought could
achieve the impossible and who would go great lengths
in life, youre no longer the friend who could make
anyone laugh even at the saddest of times, youre no
longer the person who could go through anything and
still come out laughing. Youre no longer you. You feel
as if theres this alien person whos replaced you and
that no matter how hard you try theres no way to get
that person, that replacement to leave. So you go on; you
go on with fake smiles and laughs, with the Im fines
that dont mean anything, with the faade in hopes of
fooling everyone, including yourself. You dont know
how to dream anymore or even have hope. Youre just
not the same. And once you know that, well then theres
no going back. Not to the person you once thought you
used to be.
 Fear
The things we fear the most have already happened to us.

-Robin Williams
12:57pm

One of the worst things about fear is that it never really

leaves us, no matter how much time passes. Even when
we think we've gotten rid of our fears, they're usually
still there; hiding deep in the farthest depths of our
minds. The fear that built up from when we were 5 years
old slowly gets buried beneath fear that was built up
when we were 9 which in turn gets buried beneath fear
that formed when we turned 18, but they never
disappear. We never really forget the monsters inside our
closet or the clowns underneath our bed, no matter how
hard we try to. And with everything else going on in the
world, these fears often seem trivial; and yet...
sometimes they feel like the end of the world. And while
these fears are often the source of sadness and
reminiscent moments; they're still there for a reason. Our
childhood fears aren't there to haunt us; they're there to
remind us of simpler times, when our lives weren't as
confusing. They're there to remind us that no matter how
old we are; whether we're turning 18 or 80; we're all still
kids deep down in our hearts.
2:39pm

As you sit pondering over all the things you fear; one of
the thoughts that might cross your mind is the fear of
failure. The fear of failure is something felt by most
people, yet in a million different ways. Some of us fear
failing a school test while some of us may be at the stage
where we fear failing an exam that would define the rest
of our lives. Some of us fear things that are seemingly
more trivial; we fear getting caught and then facing the
consequences or we fear having to do a task that we
wouldn't have chose for ourselves. And sometimes we
fear failing the expectations of someone important to us;
or worse we fear failing our own expectations of
ourselves. Yet the funny thing is that these fears, no
matter how trivial or grave they may seem; they arent
just felt by specific individuals, we all face these fears in
one form or another, at some point in time. And this fear
of failure, the fear of not having done enough or not
being enough actually drives us to succeed. Because
most of the time; it isnt the want for success that
motivates us, it's the fear of failure. And it's this fear that
drives us to accomplish the unimaginable and surprise
even ourselves with what we're capable of.
4:18 pm

I often come across a newspaper article detailing the

events of an attack on a school or a college, an event that
would have surprised and horrified many people now
seems to surprise no one. It just serves as a bitter
reminder of what the world and its inhabitants have
become. What at first would bring people to tears now
just seems as common as a rainy day. I guess that's what
it's like; a rainy day, when it starts it tends to have a
larger impact on people however as time passes we learn
to adapt and get used to it, no matter how hard the rain
eventually falls. Just like that we get used to these
attacks, and after a while we just aren't surprised
anymore, even as they rapidly increase in number.
However even as we get used to them, we still harbor
fear inside of us; we still start to fear something as
mundane as going to school. We harbor the same fear
whilst going to school that young men and women
harbor while going off to war. And as time goes by this
fear slowly develops into fear of the world. We start to
fear the land that's considered our home, and worst of all
we start to fear its people and the dark, horrific thoughts
they embed in their minds.
5:03 pm

As we begin the end of our school careers; under all of

the excitement and anticipation for going onto the next
phase in life, we are still overcome with fear; fear of the
unknown... fear of the future. We find ourselves scared
of the multitude of possibilities in front of us, and
sometimes we fear that those possibilities are shrinking
in front of our very eyes. Some of us have our entire
future planned out, due to which we ponder over and
fear the possibility of not achieving our goals. Some of
us stand lost and confused; with no idea of what the
future will hold because of which we fear the possibility
of our future holding no hope and feeling utterly
incomplete for the rest of our lives. Most of us feel
overburdened by the expectations that others have for us,
overburdened by what we're supposed to achieve. We
attempt to reassure ourselves and listen to the
reassurance of others; that everything will work out on
its own and that our future has already been destined.
Yet that nagging voice at the back of our minds still
taunts us and reminds us of the fear that we hold within
our hearts; the fear of not knowing where our lives are
going to lead us... the fear of feeling incomplete.
7:41 pm

If you were to sit down and try to list all of your fears; it
would probably take you ages. You would mention fears
of all sorts; from the fear of the monsters hiding inside
your closet to the fear of dying an excruciating death.
Most of the time you'd probably be reminded of those
fears throughout our entire life; no matter how much
time passes by. But what most don't know is that most of
our fears form due to events that have already taken
place. You fear killer clowns due to countless horror
movies seen in the early hours of the morning, with an
over-filled bowl of popcorn in your hands and blankets
wrapped around our feet. You fear failure due to dreams
you abandoned somewhere along the way and
expectations you somehow failed to fulfill. You fear
betrayal because of secrets whispered around in middle
school and the memory of the aching pain that took place
when someone didn't turn out to be the person you
thought they were. You fear performing because of some
incident long ago where you suddenly froze on stage and
werent able to move a muscle. Our fears are usually
experiences that we've already had; which is why we're
sometimes scared to death to experience them again.
8:58pm

It is heard that our greatest enemy, our greatest fear is

often considered to be time. We never seem to have
enough time. And on the other hand, time never seems to
pass by fast enough. For sometimes we find ourselves in
moments that we wish would never end. Moments so
precious, so rare that we would give anything up just to
relive them. These are the moments that we live for... the
moments that we thrive for. And sometimes these
moments can be enough to pull us out of any situation
and paint an array of color over a somewhat dark and
dreary mood. And yet, we sometimes find ourselves
trapped in moments that we would never want to relive.
Moments in which a minute can seem like hours,
dragging on and on until the consume us. It is these
moments that we shy away from, these are the moments
that create our dark and dreary mood in the first place.
And these moments are the ones that we dread the
most... that we fear the most. No matter how much we
may want the moment to last forever, or whether we
want it to end in the blink of an eye; time always seems
to be the enemy. Which is why we see ourselves
cowering in fear of time, and eventually it doesnt really
matter what the reason was.
4:03pm

The fear of abandonment may be one of the most

universal emotions of all time, whether it was 1000s of
years ago or whether its in todays day and age; the fear
of abandonment is something that seems to follow us
wherever we go. Its somewhat like a shadow; never
completely visible to us. But in one way or the other; we
all feel it We spend hours and sometimes even days
pondering over the consequences of one of our loved
ones abandoning us. We spend days imagining what it
would feel like; whether it would be similar to a slight
chill slowly making its way into our hearts and turning
into frostbite, or whether it would be similar to a stinging
burn that slowly grows until it threatens to burn us alive.
It would be as if we were aimlessly roaming around a
dark tunnel without even a single flicker of light to guide
us home. For it is in our nature to yearn for attention, to
yearn for support and to sometimes, yearn for love.
Because without it; without anything or anyone to pull
us through the rougher patcheswithout anyone there to
light up our way; we would continue roaming around
aimlessly in that dark tunnel until the end of time. And
abandonment, well abandonment is the one thing that
ensures this. Abandonment is the one thing that ensures
our internal demise.
6:26pm

One of the things that makes us feel the most secure or

the most wanted that weve ever felt is being needed by
someone. However when that need slowly starts
diminishing and eventually withers away, when someone
suddenly just stop s needing us; well, that is the moment
where we feel that were at our absolute worst. We
somehow always end up blaming ourselves, always
looking for mistakes we made along the way, always
looking for miniscule faults and cracks in our
personalities. Because when someone stops needing us;
our minds automatically make us think that the reason
they dont need us anymore is because we werent there
for them in the first place. We start doubting our every
move, we start doubting and over-analyzing every
conversation we have and eventually we start
doubting ourselves. Because when someone stops
needing us; we also feel as if we cant need them
anymore. And suddenly weve lost this person who we
used to ask for advice on everything, who we used to
share every single detail of every day with, who we used
to look up to who we had decided we needed in order
to go on with our lives. And when that person stops
needing us; were left with this whole in our life that no
other person, or dream, or wish or object is ever going to
fill.
7: 12pm

One of the most intimidating fears that you can have is

the fear of being alone. Its that fear of being alone; of
being isolated from everyone, of feeling incomplete that
drives us to interact with people and develop strong
enough bonds with people so that we can rely on them
whenever we need to. But at one point we become so
reliant on those bonds that our fear of being alone
multiplies and grows without our knowing it. But when
we do find out, when we realize what its turned into; its
often too late and theres no way left to change what we
feel. And more often than not the reason for that
realization is when weve already been left alone or have
been isolated. And then suddenly we feel this constant
rush of emotion that weve never experienced before and
dont know how to control. Its that lack of control on
our emotions, its that lack of control on the intensity of
our emotions that eventually leads to that fear of
isolation being multiplied even more; and now its not
by 100s, now our fear is suddenly being multiplied by
1000s which results in us having no control and
knowing that we have no control. Which is why it can be
said that the fear of being alone is the most dangerous
fear of all because it turns into this vicious cycle, from
which, sometimes there just isnt any escape.
8:05pm

Some might argue that the largest and most tedious

obstacle that most people face in their lives is proving
themselves, and this need to prove themselves is born
due to the fear of not being enough. You may have found
yourself, or may find yourself thinking about how to be
enough in order to live up to the expectations of people,
and more importantly yourself. You also may find
yourself stressing over the fact that you arent enough;
that you arent pretty enough, or smart enough, or kind
enough, or tall enough, or thing enough, or muscular
enough and most of these fears often add up to one
single one; the fear of not being perfect enough. It is in
our nature to be perfectionists, and while some of us
practice this more often than others, were all guilty of
doing it. We strive for perfection and aim as high as our
minds can possibly imagine. And yes, these aspirations
help us improve and eventually succeed but what about
when we take our obsession with perfection too far?
When we find faults in everything we do? When we
question everything we do? What about when we dont
feel as if were enough as if were not perfect enough?
But then again, does the concept of perfection actually
exist?
 Joy
Find out where joy resides, and give it a voice far beyond singing.
For to miss the joy is to miss all.

-Robert Louis Stevenson

3:34 pm

When you often think of joy as an emotion or try to

understand what joy might really mean to you; you
may automatically associate it with multiple milestones
in your life that have changed you significantly. You
might think of your first words or your first A in a test
or your first holiday out of the country. You may think
of your sweet sixteen or your graduation or your getting
into your dream university. However is that really true?
Are these milestones the only moments that bring us
pure joy? One might say that it isnt true at all one
might say that the moments in which we feel pure and
completely unadulterated joy are the moments which we
sometimes barely even notice. These are the moments
that we, if were lucky get to experience in every day of
our lives. When we read a joke that sends us into fits or
when we share a moment with our friends that well
remember for years to come or when we get to order
pizza for dinner. These are the moments that we often
label as common or trivial. But more often than not
these are the moments that give purpose to our lives.
4: 23 pm

Joy is often perceived as a remedy to all of our

problems; not in a literal sense but in the sense that when
we feel joy it lessens the intensity of all of the other
emotions that we may be feeling. When we feel joy it
feels as if the weight on our shoulders has been
decreased, as if we are now able to breathe again. We, in
a way feel elated and sometimes even free of all the
things that had been causing us pain and misery. We go
into a state of euphoria that is nothing like anything
weve ever felt before; because it cant be. For it is a
feeling so pure, it is a feeling that is completely
untouched by any ulterior motives or expression that we
cant help but immediately travel into that euphoric state
of joy. And that state is sometimes, actually most the
time so overwhelming that we forget to feel anything
else; we forget the pain and the turmoil that had been
buildings up deep inside of our hearts. We forget the
worry and the anxiousness that caused our hands to
tremble and our bodies to shiver. All we can remember;
and all we know is the happiness that takes over our
bodies and slowly makes its way into our hearts.
5:18 pm

One of our constant sources of happiness is usually

considered to be our family and the support that they
provide us with. Its the unconditional love that they
have for us; its the unconditional support that they give
to us no matter what, that drives us to achieve our
greatest potential and become the best version of
ourselves. Its those carefree moments with our families
that not only provide us with love and support; but they
also provide us with joy. Unexplainable portions of joy
that are hidden in the hugs that they give us for no reason
whatsoever, or the encouraging words and affection that
they shower us with. Theyre hidden in the brief
moments of solidarity and in the plate of warm chocolate
chip cookies that we would devour within seconds when
we were younger. And sometimes we even find joy
because of the worry and concern etched on their faces
or the anger that they may direct towards us when we
make inapt decisions; however that anger and that
concern stills brings us joy they bring us joy because it
means someone cares. It means that theres someone in
our life that is going to care about us and need us for the
rest of our lives, no matter how many mistakes we make;
and theres really no better feeling than that.
6:45 pm

Another essential part of your happiness, an essential

that you know will make you happy; is your friends. For
these are the people who know every little detail about
you, these are the people who you tell every little detail
to, the people who you trust more than anyone the
people who eventually become a vital part of your life.
Theyre the ones you grew up with; the ones with who
you morphed into the person you are today. You would
and still spend hours talking to them about sometimes
even the most nonsensical topics imaginable; yet they
still make sense to you in your little universe. Youre
able to be yourself in front of them; without any masks
or any reservations without any faade put up in order
to keep others out. You get stomach aches laughing with
them about things that arent even funny. You pace the
hallways and re-read each line with each other before a
final. You arent afraid to tell them what you really
think, even if its going to hurt them. You make the most
of every second of every day you cherish each and
every moment with them. These are the people who
bring out the best and most true version of you. These
are the people who eventually arent just your friends
anymore; theyre your family.
7:14 pm

You might find yourself at your happiest, at your most

joyful when you are entrapped in the most trivial of
moments. When a song calls out to you and says
everything youve ever wanted to say; and you become
so absorbed in it that you wouldnt be able to hear
anyone else, even if they were screaming. When you
become so attached to a TV series, that when it ends it
feels like a part of your life has ended along with it.
When youre so captivated and enthralled by an actor
that when they eventually pass away, it feels as if one of
your closest friends has left you. When you connect and
define your happiness with the most random of things;
whether its a video game or a small tube of lip gloss it
provides you with a feeling of contentment and joy that
is so refreshing and profuse that you will that moment
would never end. You find yourself attached to the most
negligible of things; but to you they arent really
negligible are they, to you theyre worth everything the
world could possibly offer you. And some might say that
these moments are unimportant or unnecessary, but then
again; most would say that these moments are what
make our lives and ourselves feel complete.
7: 39pm

You might often find yourself in an extreme state of

happiness; however when you look at the person next to
they usually dont express the same emotions, even
while facing the same circumstances. The reason for this
is a simple; each and every person brought into this
world finds happiness through their own little ways. To
someone; happiness might be getting the right grades but
to someone else it may just be getting to see a play they
had been dreaming of since they were 10. To some,
happiness might be found in the smaller, less significant
things in life yet some might need life changing
experiences in order to feel happy. We all feel joy in our
own ways and in our own time. One might be bursting
with joy while another may be withering away due to the
turmoil that they feel inside of them. And a
misconception that we often make a mistake that we
often make, is expecting people to be happy due to the
same things that make us happy. But when we find that
peace inside of us, when we accept the fact that certain
things will only make us happy, well that is when we are
most content with ourselves and the people around us.
Some might even say that that is when we are at our
happiest.
8: 54 pm

No matter how overwhelmed we may feel or no matter

how occupied we may be we often find ourselves
stretched out the bed, with our eyes closed and music
blasting in our ears. Sometimes the music is the reason
for reminiscent moments; it calls out to the pain we felt
long ago, or sometimes even not so long ago. Sometimes
the music fails to make any sense; just a wordless song
without any tune or rhythm to it, and yet this music helps
us get through some of our worst difficulties. Sometimes
the music reminds us of our childhood; where happy and
nonsensical tunes were sung at the top of our lungs. We
find relief through music, and we find joy through music
even if its a wordless tune that doesnt make any sense.
For music is able to connect with us in a way that no
other person ever could; it doesnt even need to speak,
as one might term it. And as we find ourselves stretched
out with music blasting in our ears, we feel all of the
worry and the anguish and the stress disappear and be
replaced by a form of joy that only symphonies can bring
us.
9:23 pm

When we find ourselves with the pressures of finding out

who we are and finding out what were meant to do; we
often look for a way to escape it all, even if its just for
short periods of time. We look forward to the days where
we dont have to worry about school, and grades and
more importantly; the future. We look forward to
carefree days where we can pretend that we have no
worry in the world. Whether its while stretching out on
pearl white sand; with the sun in our eye and the sand in
our toes, with the cerulean sea stretching out to the point
that we cant even see where it ends. Whether its skiing
through the stark white snow and having countless mugs
of hot chocolate right after; with the chill sending shivers
up our bodies and with the warmth making its way into
our hearts. Or even if its just closing our eyes with a
blue, cloudless sky above us and the birds chirping in
every tree. We look for an escape; we look for a way to
find a state of peace, a state of calmness. For that is
when we are really able to let go of our worries and find
joy in the beautiful simplicities of life.
10:28 pm

One of the fundamental aspects of joy is often

considered to be hope; most of us cant even go a single
day without hoping for something. And that hope, that
need is what provides us with one of the most necessary
emotions; joy. For when we feel hope; when we feel as if
its possible to achieve our wildest dreams, as if its
possible to acquire anything weve ever wanted in life.
When we feel as if our minds and our hearts are about to
explode due to the immense joy that hope brings us. And
when we find ourselves hoping; its usually for the
things that bring us joy. When we feel as if anything is
possible; and when we know that when we believe
that with every fiber of our being, well that when we
know that everythings going to be all right and that
theres always going to be something or the other
bringing joy into our lives. And this is why we find
ourselves hoping for something or the other every
minute of every day; no matter how important it is and
no matter how far-fetched it may be; we still find
ourselves hoping. We find ourselves yearning to feel
happy; to feel the overwhelming joy and allows us to
want to reach for the skies. We find ourselves yearning
to want to hope. And we all could use a little bit of
hope in our lives.
11:49 pm

I would often find myself utterly fascinated by theatre;

by the mystical personas that actors would put on before
going on stage. It all seemed so magical; the idea of
being able to adopt multiple personalities and then
playing them out in a fictional world made of hopes and
dreams. Thats why I, thats why most people fall in love
with theatre. For it brings us a sense on joy that weve
never felt before; it allows us to travel across different
realms and dimensions without even having to move an
inch off our seats. It allows us to see some of the greatest
stories unfold right before our very eyes; with
unimaginable grace.. And as we cling t0 the edge of our
seats, our heads spinning with anticipation and suspense;
we are transported into a completely different world; one
where anything and everything is possible. One where
the greatest evil is able to redeem itself, where true love
is possible. Where knights ride off to slay dragons and
horses grow wings to soar through the sky. Were
transported to a world that renews a spark in side of us; a
spark of confidence, a spark of anticipation a spark of
hope. Because thats really why theyre there; the stories
that we grow up hearing and the plays that we grow up
seeing; theyre all there in order to give us hope which in
turn is essential for us in order to be happy.
 Misery
Happy people find a way to live with their problems, and miserable
people let their problems stop them from living.

-Sonya Parker
1:46 pm

You might often find yourself feeling miserable; you

might often find yourself feeling as if you are at your
worst. You feel completely and utterly drained; both
physically and mentally, its as if you cant even will
yourself to walk across the room or put together a simple
sentence. You feel empty, as if theres nothing there and
this fear keeps on building up inside of you; you fear that
youll never feel complete again. Your whole world
turns dark; as if someone snuffed out all the light and
made sure that there was no way of ever igniting it back
to life. You feel trapped; as if youve enclosed yourself
in a self-made bubble of pain and misery, as if theres
absolutely no escape. And most importantly you feel
weak, you feel as if youre utterly helpless against what
youre feeling. As if you could never be able to feel true
joy; no matter how hard you tried. And then even the
slightest bit of pain starts to feel like the end of your
world, as if theres really no way out. It feels as if your
misery has painted the sky a dark, dreary shade of blue,
and that theres no way of ever getting that paint of. Its
just stuck there permanently forever serving as a
reminder of happier, care-free days.
2:24 pm

One of the most difficult times that one might come

across in their life is the moment in which they feel as if
theyve lost any trace of purpose that they once had in
their life. The motivation that they once felt, the want for
success and the fear of failure; all seems to have
disappeared, leaving behind a hole in their lives that
nothing could possibly live. As humans we thrive on the
very existence of purpose, for without it we consider
ourselves to be nothing. We seek out comfort in knowing
that were destined for greatness and that somewhere out
there lies out one true destiny. But when that comfort
disappears when that motivation seems to vanish
before our very eyes, we find ourselves lost and
confused in a world which we dont really understand
anymore. And as we begin to misunderstand the world,
we slowly begin to misunderstand ourselves which
ultimately leads to the most pure and unadulterated form
of misery ever known. We suddenly find ourselves
tapped in a version of our world, yet this version isnt
anything like weve ever seen before. Instead of bursting
with want and purpose we find ourselves feeling utterly
incomplete. We find ourselves feeling alienated in our
society, in our own family. For a person without purpose
doesnt often seem like a person at all.
3:15 pm

You feel your heart beat rapidly increase as you picture

the scene over and over again in our mind. You think of
the children huddled up in the corners, hiding beneath
the dead bodies of their lifeless best friends you think
of how those children; who had gone off to school with
bright smiles adorning their faces are now fear-stricken
with never ending tears flowing down their cheeks. You
think of the ruthless, heartless men who had gone into
the building that day and never came out, taking
hundreds of innocent lives with them. You think of the
parents waiting for their children to come home so they
can greet them with the usual kiss on the forehead, only
to find out that their child has been ripped apart into
pieces, with absolutely no remnant left. You think of the
blood splattered on the walls and you think of how
similar it looks to the paint that those children may have
had used, yet the two cannot be more different. And then
you find yourself wondering how out world could have
ever gotten o this point; to the point where the lives of
innocent 4 year olds now mean nothing. But then you
might think; maybe the world had always been like
this we were just too blind to see it.
4:58 pm

We often find ourselves looking around us, surveying

our surroundings and asking ourselves whether people
might be judging us. We find ourselves looking for a
stamp of approval from complete strangers; whose
opinion shouldnt even matter to us, yet it means the
whole world. We find ourselves hoping not even a
single hair is out of place, that none of our makeup is
smudged and that our stomach is pulled to the extent that
we find it hard to breathe. We often find ourselves
wanting people to like us, more specifically our
appearances. We want; no we need people to think were
presentable or attractive enough. And when they do;
when they supposedly approve of us, oh its the best
feeling in the world. We feel elated, as if were finally
enough. But its when they dont approve; its that
moment when tragedy hits. And thats when our world
comes crashing down, thats when we feel as if we were
never enough. Because when people dont seem to like
us, or at least our appearances when people dont
seem to approve of us, even if theyre just strangers,
we suddenly feel as if were not enough. And its that
feeling, that feeling of not being enough that slowly
leads to us our hearts being overcome with misery, and
its that misery that slowly leads to our internal
destruction.
2: 50 pm

As humans; something that we find ourselves yearning

for everyday is freedom. Some might even compare us to
birds; for we find ourselves fighting to break out of our
cages and fly out into the open, outside world. Because
when we feel trapped, when we feel as if we cannot
escape it creates a feeling of uncertainty and panic inside
of us and if that entrapped feeling doesnt go away we
slowly find ourselves beginning to lead somewhat
miserable lives. We yearn to see the world as it truly is;
to feel the grass underneath our toes, to see the flowers
blooming in a distant array of color, to feel the wind in
our hair we yearn to live. But when we feel as if that
has been taken away from; when our freedom has been
taken away from we automatically associate it with our
right to live having been taken away from us. Its as if
were enclosed inside a dark, claustrophobic room yet so
close to the sunlight, as if were sitting with our throats
parched in front of a full glass of water yet we just cant
seem to reach it. It feels as if were screaming out loud,
at the top of our lungs yet no one can seem to hear us.
3:02 pm

You might often find yourself aspiring and hoping to be

successful in the future, and more often than not you
would connect that success with how well youre doing
academically or how well youve been performing in
school. You aspire to be the very best and when you
achieve that you feel as youve fulfilled any duty you
ever had towards yourself or anyone else, but its when
you dont achieve your goals and expectations its
when you feel as if youve failed that causes your inner
turmoil to begin and turn into this vicious cycle that
never seems to stop. You then find yourself questioning
your every word, your every action; questioning whether
its good enough, whether itll ever be good enough.
One day you might find yourself achieving your most
rigorous goals and meeting your highest expectations,
yet you still dont feel as if youve done enough, you still
feel as if you could have done so much more.
Sometimes you find ourselves nearly fulfilling your
goals and oh, thats when its the worst; when you know
that you were almost there, but not quite there yet. And
then you start to beat yourself up over it day in and day
out until its all you can possibly think of. And
sometimes, your greatest achievements turn out to be the
very cause of your internal downfall.
5:15 pm

One of the most miserable feelings that I had ever

experienced in my entire life was feeling alone utterly
and completely alone. It was like nothing I had ever felt
before; the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before.
Some days it would feel like a sharp knife being pierced
into my stomach and twisted around until there was
nothing left. Some days it felt like warm coals finding
their way up my body, threatening to ignite and burn me
alive. And yet some days it felt like a cool breeze
causing me to shiver, yet I knew it would turn me into
ice the second it reached my heart. It quite literally felt
as if I had been stranded on a deserted island, with no
help coming no matter how many S.O.S messages I
carved into the sand. Its like crying out for help without
anyone ever being able to know what youre, no matter
how hard you try to make them understand. I guess
thats what it felt like; as if n one could understand, as if
no one could ever relate to what I was feeling. And when
I look back at it now; I think of all the people that had
been willing to be there for me, to help me. I guess I just
didnt know how to reach out And I realize now that
what I had felt isnt anything compared to whats to
come, I just didnt know it back then.
7:29 pm

You look down at your shoes as you pass by, hoping

they wont notice you, hoping youre invisible. Youre
practically able to hear your heart beating as that familiar
fear consumes you, because thats what fear has now
become; an old friend that keeps on coming back to visit
you. You think back o how it used to be, only you dont
remember anymore; all you can think of are the names
being thrown at you carelessly, yet no one knows the
extent of the damage that they leave behind. You find
yourself believing them; every single insult uttered under
their breath, every single whisper passed around in class
when no one thought you could hear what they were
saying. Every single look thrown at, every laugh directed
towards you when you apparently werent looking. And
yes, to most all the thoughts in your head probably seem
like the most trivial and inconsequential thing in the
world, yet to you it feels like the end of your world. It
feels as if youre really just as helpless as they deem you
to be, as if youre really as helpless as you feel right
now. It feels as if the people, who you thought cared
about you the most, are now the reason you cant bear to
look yourself in the eye every day.
4:36 pm

You might have once found yourself sitting idle in some

corner of your room; questioning your purpose, your
reason and most importantly, your existence. You might
find yourself confused as to what youre doing on this
earth, what youre here for. And sometimes you might
find yourself with no answer to that question, with no
words or actions being able to explain it. You might feel
as if you have nothing to give to this world, as if theres
absolutely nothing you can do or contribute to make this
world a better place. And these thoughts often lead to
you asking why you were ever brought into existence in
the first place. You start to question why youre here,
and sometimes; on those days where you just want to lie
down and give up you might just ask to be taken back.
Youll find yourself comparing yourself with others
around you; asking yourself why you cant be as
perfect as them. Youll find yourself forming your own
goals and ideals, and sometimes they might just be the
impossible. And to feel that, well then you might just
find yourself at a point where your only wish is to not
feel anything at all. For to question your existence is
something I would wish on anyone.
5:22 pm

One of the questions that I found myself asking on a

daily basis was this; who am I? Because I just didnt
know; I didnt know who I was or what was meant to do.
I didnt know where my lie would lead me or what the
future held for me. I didnt know if the decisions I was
making were the right ones. And I still dont know,
sometimes I wonder if Ill ever know. I would always
ask myself whether whatever I was doing in my life,
every step I was taking; I always asked whether it
actually made a difference in anyone elses life, or at
least my own life. And now I realize that the truth is that
Ill probably never know. Ill never know if I was born
to change the world or if Im just another insignificant
person in this world. And it scares me; itll probably
always scare me; not knowing what Im supposed to do
and not knowing what consequences those decisions will
have. And now I think; that thats where most of us go
wrong; we spend so much time pining over and planning
the future that we forget to live in the moment. And yes,
sometimes we do realize that those moments are there;
but most of the time its too late. And just like that, in
the blink of an eye we suddenly miss out on most of
our life.
 Revulsion
The mark of our time is its revulsion against imposed patterns.

-Marshall McLuhan
3:40 pm

When you think of the term revulsion you might often

associate it with tangible things whose appearance would
disgust or revolt you. However most of the time we feel
revulsion towards things that are intangible; whether it
be over a life taken carelessly within a matter of seconds,
or if its due to acts performed just for the pleasure of a
single person. We feel disgust towards the mindless
slaughter of innocents or even of the not so innocent.
Towards the helpless cries of children as they lay
stranded in an alley, without anyone there to comfort
them. Towards the soulless bodies hidden underneath
fragmented buildings, without any hope of them ever
opening their eyes again. Towards the headlines
detailing such horrific events that we cant even bring
ourselves to talk about them. We feel revulsion towards
the blood that splatters on the walls and pools on the
floors. Towards the hateful crimes committed due to the
greed that we start to foster inside of our hearts. Towards
the people who, due to their actions now seem so cruel
and heartless, that you start to wonder what made them
like this in the first place. Revulsion towards the world;
what is become and more importantly what its turned us
into.
4:10 pm

Society; its a word that all of us have heard, a word

that some of us have based our entire lives around and a
word that most of us are disgusted by. Its created a
world where the most materialistic of things matter the
most to us, whereas the things that actually used to
matter not so long ago now mean nothing to us. A world
where young girls are celebrated and complimented
when their collarbones start to show. A world where
young boys are told that crying will stop people from
seeing them as men. A world where eating disorders
become routine for most teenagers. A world where what
some celebrity was wearing the other day is more
important than the thousands of lives that were taken
only a few minutes ago. A world where having a flat
chest or no muscles suddenly means that you just arent
worth it. A world where everyone suddenly feels as if
they have the right to critique the lives of strangers. A
world where someones value to us is measured by the
amount of spots cars or designer handbags they have. A
world where theres only one acceptable body type,
and the rest just arent enough. A world where perfection
is every childs ultimate goal. Its created a world where
even being enough just isnt enough.
5:29 pm

Youre always told that perfection is what you should

aim for, that its the most important thing you could ever
achieve in life. Youre considered to be too fat, but when
you lose weight youre suddenly too skinny. Youre too
smart for your own good, but oh wait now youre just
way too dumb. You shouldnt wear such provocative
clothes, never mind now you look like a nun. You should
really try to speak up more, but oh god not that loud.
Youre trying way too hard, well actually you could have
at least put some effort into it. Please stop showing off,
but now youre just way too humble. You should stop
acting so girly, well I didnt mean for you to turn
yourself into a complete tom-boy. God why are you so
rude, okay never mind, being that nice isnt going to get
you anywhere. All you do is study, well technically you
could have put a little more effort into your work. Dont
be too smart but dont be too dumb either. Dont be too
studious, but dont put all your energy into sports. Dont
be too skinny, but dont try to gain any weight either.
Dont be too nice, but you never want to come across as
impolite. Oh and always remember; stand out and be
yourself, but just make sure you fit in.
6:50 pm

As individuals, as citizens of a country and even as

humans we seem to have lost all our morals because
suddenly they dont seem to matter to us anymore. We
kidnap young children just to receive ransom in order to
purchase the most unnecessary of things. We take the
lives for innocent animals just for sport. We declare war
without a moments thought of the consequences, of all
the lives destroyed and sometimes even lost. We find
ways of increasing our won profit, without ever thinking
of how it would affect the people out on the streets. We
call each other derogatory names for dun, without ever
thinking of the scars those words leave behind. We
spend hours glued to our screens, criticizing strangers
just in order to pass the time. We pull the trigger
thoughtlessly without ever knowing its backlash. We
activate grenades in places weve never even been to,
without ever thinking about what we bury underneath the
fragmented buildings. We lie, and we deceive, until it
turns into a vicious cycle without having any hope for its
end. We pretend as if our mistakes were unintentional,
yet all thats hidden beneath them are our dark
intentions. We stab our closest companions in the back,
and then ask them why theyre bleeding. We create our
own pathways to hell, and then wonder why were
burning.
3:44 pm

Morals are something that we were always taught to

have, always taught to keep close to our hearts. And yet
we still seem to lose them at some point along the way.
We forsake our morals at every turn in our lives,
forgetting the promises we once made to ourselves. We
suddenly feel as if were entitled to all the joy in the
world, even without ever deserving it. It creates a sense
of self-righteousness, a sense of smugness that nothing is
able to wash away. And yes, most of the time underneath
all of that we find ourselves insecure and scared but we
still build up walls around us as a form of an
indestructible defense mechanism. We constantly pester
each other about doing the right thing, yet when no ones
watching we make the exact same decisions that we
pretend to be horrified by. Weve created this standard
way of how were all supposed to behave, but we do the
exact opposite when no ones there to critique us. Now
all thats important is to just make it seem as we have
morals, even though most o us have forgotten what they
were meant for in the first place.
4:18 pm

It appalls me how someone can be so determined to

achieve some senseless goal that theyre willing to
sacrifice millions of lives in order to do it. Theyre even
willing to sacrifice innocent lives to do it; the lives of
children no more than 10, who had their entire lives
ahead of them and were facing a world full of
opportunities. It appalls me how they were able to
continue pulling the trigger even as the sounds of the
gunshots were overpowered by their endless screams.
How they continued activating bombs even as they
looked into the bloodshot and terror-filled eyes of 4 year
olds. How could something meant for the betterment of
the world ever cause this much pain and bloodshed?
How could they ever think that the sudden emptiness
that the mothers felt when they heard the news would
ever bring about any positive change? All its done, all it
will ever do is carve holes into the lives of thousands of
people. into their heats. And now theres nothing that
could ever fill up those empty spaces again, those empty
spaces that were once filled with joyous laughter and
merriment. Would they be able to sleep peacefully at
night without eve giving a single thought to what they
have done? Or would the memory of those innocent little
souls haunt them in their dreams for the rest of their
lives?
1:08 pm

It often seems as if theres no empathy left in the world,

and in the hearts of people. Weve forgotten what its
like to empathize with people, to connect with them. At
one point in time, we were different; we would walk arm
in arm with each other, using any excuse to make the
other person laugh. We would forget all our troubles so
that we were able to help someone else with theirs.
However, now its different. Now, its turned into a
world where if someone needs help youd roll your eyes
and look the other way. Now, appearance and faade is
so much more important than dignity and respect. We
find happiness in the most trivial and materialistic of
things, while we forget to enjoy the larger and more
memorable moments of life. We completely disregard
the fundamentals and basics of humanity; due to which
the only things that drive us are greed and want for more.
We find ourselves dissatisfied even when we have it all,
because now theres no such thing as enough.
Nothings enough anymore; no amount of love or respect
or money or wealth. And while we may end up finding
what we think we were looking for, we end up losing
whatever compassion and empathy that was left in us.
And the truth is that we dont even make an effort to
gain it back anymore.
2:30 pm

Everywhere you look, every street you cross, every path

you take, every direction you turn; you see it. You see
people of all ages and races and genders and classes; you
see them with their heads buried in their phones, never
looking up, not even once. For we now live in a world
where technology has taken over our lives where every
single aspect of our day is controlled by one device or
the other. And while its brought us prosperity and
development, its also created a shadow over our lives. A
shadow of isolation and withdrawal that covers every
inch of the world, seeping into every little nook and
cranny it can find. We start to feel an unbearable
emptiness whenever were without these devices. Were
now fixated with this world that doesnt even exist, yet
its managed to become the single most important thing
in our lives. Because now; we find it more important to
take videos of an accident and post them online rather
than actually call for help. What we do is now dictated
by whats trending on Twitter rather than what our own
conscious dictates. We find ourselves living in this
mechanical world filled with mechanical people, where
our lives have been mechanized and so have our hearts.
3:22 pm

Ive started noticing that while we publicize the fact that

mental disorders are real problems, some of us really just
view them as trends and ways to fit in. Because
suddenly, having an eating disorder isnt something that
you should try to stop. No, now its just another way to
keep up appearances and fit in with the rest of the girls
trying to be perfect. There are some individuals out there
who encourage these disorders, these diseases actually
because thats what they really are. These are the people
who one might refer to as those who set the standards for
society. Those who encourage having collarbones and
hip bones stick out until they can be seen from miles
away. Those who celebrate flat stomachs and muscular
chests. Those who want you to be as thin as possible yet
they still criticize you when youre not as curvy as they
expect you to be. Those who teach you that theres only
one perfect body type, and if you dont have it then you
need to work harder until youre worthy of being loved.
And thats exactly what theyve done; theyve taught us
that no one will ever love us, that we cant even love
ourselves until we look and act and think just like they
want us to.
4:07 pm

One of the things that appalls most people is how some

can afford the world while some cant even afford to live
in it. If you were to look in one direction youd see huge
white mansions and endless stretches of perfectly
trimmed lawns. Youd see convoys of the worlds most
valuable cars and entourages of the worlds finest
guards. Youd see designer handbags lined up in endless
rows and piles of the most carefully crafted jewelry, only
destined to be worn one. Youd see children laughing
and running around; dressed in the finest of clothes and
playing with the most optimal of toys. And yet if you
were to look in the opposite direction youd see houses
practically crumbling apart with no signs of greenery to
be seen for miles. Youd see tattered clothes and shoes
that dont even look as if theyre doing much to keep out
the cold. Youd see a table missing most of its legs, with
food meant for 10 people but actually barely even
enough for one. Youd see children roaming around on
the streets begging for money, not even having the
luxury to go to school or even getting a glimpse of a real
childhood. It would be similar to seeing Heaven on one
side and Hell on the other. And theres really nothing
you can do about it. Well you could, but youd have to
put in effort to do that.
 Anger
Anger is just anger. It isnt good. It isnt bad. It just is. What you do
with it is what matters. Its like anything else. You can use it to build or
to destroy. You just have to make the choice.

- Jim Butcher
2:08 pm

It is a common misconception to assume as if anger

always leads to unhappiness and awful decisions,
however this isnt exactly true. Yes, anger can result in
self destruction and sometimes become the cause of
great misunderstanding and misfortune; however that
isnt always the case. Anger sometimes forms the very
basis of our greatest accomplishments, for anger is an
emotion so pure and raw that it can drive us to do
unimaginable things. And most of the time the root cause
of our anger is something that we feel isnt being done
properly or isnt justified, and its that anger that drives
us to fix those things and reach heights which we never
would have even dreamed we could reach. It allows us to
reach for the stars and try to accomplish our wildest
dreams. It suddenly makes us feel as if the impossible is
now possible. Its as if weve learned how to fly for the
very first time, and that anger just pushes us until we
start to soar. Anger creates a feeling of determination in
us that allows us to reach our full potential. But what if
we let that anger overcome us? What if we let it
consume us?
3:36 pm

We often confuse anger with rage and think that theyre

exactly the same. Thats not entirely true; rage is the
most extreme and violent way of expressing ones anger.
Its a form so irrational and uncontrollable that
sometimes we find it starting to control us, instead of the
other way around. While anger can be beneficial and
leads us to accomplish great things; the amplification of
rage is what tears our world apart. We suddenly find
ourselves in this lost and confused world here theres no
one left to guide us, because more often than not rage
results in us pushing away those who cared the most. Its
as if were suddenly trapped in this self-made cage and
have swallowed the key. As if were forgotten how to
define right from wrong and find ourselves riling up at
every little mistake someone makes, or even our own
mistakes. Rage is what leads us to perform acts that we
would have never thought of doing before, but these acts
arent the ones that bring about prosperity for us and
those surrounding us. No. these acts are the ones that
often lead to bloodshed and misery. Theyre the one that
lead to isolation and heartache. Theyre the ones that
lead to the moments where it feels as if everythings
falling apart.
4:07 pm

The worst part about traveling into a state of inexplicable

anger is the fact that you sometimes find yourself having
absolutely no control over it. Its as if someones handed
you a time bomb with no way to stop it. And you just
stand there, with that overwhelming feeling of dread and
fear consuming you until that time bomb explodes and
there was absolutely nothing you could have done.
Thats what it feels like when that anger consumes you;
its like this unpleasant chill making its way up your
spine and you knowing that no amount of warmth could
ever make it go away. Well most of the time there is
something that could make it go away; were just too
paralyzed with rage to see it. We start to say things and
do things that we would have never done before, we start
to hurt people in ways we would have never wanted to
before. And sometimes without even knowing it, we turn
into people we would have never wanted to be.
5:49 pm

As people, as members of this society were always

classified into these categories that most of the time
dont even begin to cover even a fraction of what our
true personalities. Its as if everythings just black in
white, with no in between. Youre either an extremely
smart person who gets straight As without ever trying or
youre someone who spends all their time
procrastinating and indulging in useless activities, and
have never cared about the grades youll get or the
places youll go. Youre either someone who spends way
too much time on doing your makeup and all you care
about is appearances. Its either that or youre someone
who doesnt care about what they look like at all and put
absolutely no effort in trying to be presentable. Youre
either some sports obsessed, health freak or youre
someone who only gets off the couch to go to the
kitchen. Youre either dazzlingly beautiful or horrifically
ugly. You end up having the perfect figure or you just
look like someone no one would find attractive. Youre
either the complete picture of perfection or all people
know you for are your imperfections. You hear these
classifications over and over and over again until theyre
practically engraved into your mind. And by then even
you cant tell the difference between who you really and
who people think you should be.
4:52 pm

The worst feeling in the world is when youre trying to

express yourself in ways youve never done before but
theres just no one there to listen. Well its not that no
ones there to listen; its just that no one wants to listen.
And no matter what you do, it just doesnt make any
difference they still go one pretending as if youre
invisible. No matter how much you scream, no matter
how much you shout. No matter how many tears you
shed or days you spend trying to convince them to listen.
They still refuse to listen; they go on with their usual day
pretending not to hear a singer word, even if youre
screaming it in their ear. And thats the moment when
you feel your blood start to boil until it threatens to bun
you alive. Its as if there was this dormant lump of coal
in your chest but now someones ignited it and suddenly
theres this white, hot force expanding in your chest and
threatening to suffocate you. All those days and moths
and sometimes even years of holding everything in just
piles up until its just too much. And when it becomes
too much it starts to want a way out, it starts to want to
just rush out all in one go so that its able to overwhelm
you and consume every inch f your soul. And its that
anger, that feeling that no one can hear you, that state of
absolute internal turmoil. Its anger thats often the
reason we stop screaming.
6:22 pm

Have you ever felt that people mistrust you just because
of what you look like or what you seem to be? For in the
society that we live in; were quick to judge persons
character, sometimes even in a matter of seconds without
ever truly knowing who they really are. To society an
African American is automatically bound to be a
criminal looking for another petty crime to commit. To
society a Muslim is automatically a terrorist whos going
to take the lives of thousands without a moments
thought. A Buddhist is automatically someone who only
believes and tends to starve him or herself for days. A
Christian is automatically someone who isnt well
connected to their religion and indulges in supposedly
unlawful activities. A Hindu is automatically someone
who worships animals and someone who is willing to do
anything. AA Jew is automatically someone who was
victimized at one point in time and has now turned into
this cruel and greedy person. An Atheist is automatically
someone who has sinned and who has absolutely no
morals or ethics at all. And the list goes on and on,
without ever coming to an end. But we must ask
ourselves; Are any of these stereotypes even true? And
why does our blood start to boil only when it comes to
our own religion, instead of for all of the beliefs of the
world?
7:45 pm

One of the things that seems to agitate us the most, that

seems to cause restless nights the most; is when we are
unable to understand something. Whether its the 6th
dimension or whether its a simple math formula, when
we dont understand something we start to feel agitated
and anxious until we somehow find a way to understand.
But when we dont, when its something thats beyond
human comprehension, that fear of not knowing
something turns into anger at everyone and everything
around us, including ourselves. We start to blame the
order of the world or we start to blame those around us
without ever having any reason to. We start to blame
things as trivial as the weather or what day of the week it
was. We start to look for any excuse, even the
nonsensical ones in order to explain our lack of
understanding. But most importantly we start to blame
ourselves. We start to blame our minds and our bodies
for not being able to comprehend something, it doesnt
even matter whether it was a simple concept or a concept
that no one in the history of mankind has ever figured
out before. We direct our anger towards ourselves, for
feeling helpless and clueless is sometimes the worst
feeling of all.
8:21 pm

Something that would often make me irrevocably angry

was not being able to conquer my emotions, not being
able to control them. It created a feeling of helplessness
in m, a feeling of hopelessness in me that I had never in
my life, felt before. It was as if I was inches away from
reaching the surface only to be dragged down deep
underwater, feeling as if I was suffocating with my lungs
slowly becoming drenched with water. Only eventually
it felt like instead of water, my lungs were being
drenched in acid and that acid slowly turned into a fire
that ignited the eventual anger. I felt angry, theres really
no other way to explain it. I felt as if I was quite literally
drowning and nothing could ever save me. I felt the
anger consume me and take over me. And it was like
losing control all over again. At least that was until I
realized that theres really no way to be completely in
control of your emotions. Yes, you can connect with
what youre feeling or going through. Yes, you can try to
adapt your behavior around your emotions and make
sure that they dont dictate your every move. But
controlling them? Thats just something you cant do.
And the second you realize that. Well thats when it
starts to get better, thats when the anger and the pain
slowly starts to go away and makes room for other joys
and worries in your life.
9:25 pm

Ive always felt as if theres a certain beauty in the anger

that you feel, no matter what its directed towards.
Because when you think about feeling anger sometimes
isnt that different to watching a flower slowly bloom
and turning its petals into all sorts of colors. Thats what
anger does; it develops us and improves us and brings
out parts of us that we never even knew. Its like
watching a volcano erupt and then the lava slowly
cooling down and covering everything in its path.
Because when you do calm down, when that anger does
finally subside it preserves this maturity in us and it
somehow, in some unexplainable way allows us to grow.
Its like watching the sunset paint the sky in a thousand
different colors. It represents the effect our anger has on
us and on the people surrounding us; because while it
sometimes leaves catastrophe behind it also often leaves
behind; mended bonds and deeper meaning. And thats
just what anger is. Its not always this creation that has to
bring about destruction and damage, because sometimes,
though I admit rarely, it brings about changes that turn
us all into different people; into better people. For when
understood and responded to right; anger can turn into
the cause of new beginnings and happier endings.
10:44 pm

Quite often, its extremely difficult to decide whether the

person standing next to us is angry at all; because
everyone expresses their anger in different ways. And
while we sometimes dont know that these ways exist, it
doesnt mean that they arent expressed. Some scream
out loud until theyre heard and all their feelings are let
out. Some create compositions that express their anger
and resentment without ever using any words. Some sit
quietly in the corner of their room and take deep breathes
until their anger seems to fade away. Some create works
of art that last for centuries to come but were really only
meant for the artist to let out their rage. Some people are
a lot more violent than others; leaving destruction and
chaos wherever they go until they feel as if theyll be
alright someday. Some write out their emotions through
poetry and never ending words until their anger has been
absorbed in the dents where they pressed the pencil too
hard o in the dried up tears that fell soundlessly again the
torn paper. These are the ways we let go of our anger.
Some work, some dont. Some take minutes, some take
years. Some are as easy as counting till 10 and some
seem as impossible as climbing Mount Everest. Theyre
all unique, theyre all different and yet theyre the only
thing that makes us feel as if our day just got a little bit
better.
 Love
Love is when the other persons happiness is more important than
your own.

-H. Jackson Brown Jr.

10:52 am

I never really understood what love meant, what it truly

meant to love someone. Some would say its when you
get uncontrollable butterflies in your stomach whenever
you think of someone you love. Some say love is when
youd die for the other person, without a moments
thought. Some say its a state of euphoria thats better
than any other. To some its when your heartbeat falters
for a second every time you see them. And the most
common misconception is that we only fall in love with
people. But the fact is that we have the ability to fall in
love with so much more; we fall in love with people, we
fall in love with places and we fall in love with habits.
We fall in love with objects and eras and fictional
characters and books and countless other things,
sometimes without ever knowing it. So now I ask myself
again; What does love mean? and now I feel as if I
might know the answer. Love doesnt have a single
string of words to define it; its different for each and
every person to have ever existed. And while some say
this means that love essentially has no meaning, this is
the truth; love simply just means too much.
11:11 am

The worst part of loving someone is the part when you

have to say goodbye. Its the part when you realize that
theyve gone, that youre never going to see them again.
The part where you know that youll never hear their
voice again or be able to hug them ever again. The part
where you feel as if someones choking you, as if that
feeling is never going to go away. The part where no
amount of whispered condolences or one-sided hugs
ever makes anything better. The part where no amount
memories or old, withered away photographs ever numb
the pain. Its that part where you suddenly feel utterly
empty; as if someones carved a hole in your heart and
your life and theres nothing there that could ever fill it.
As is a black hole made its way into your heart and is
slowly expanding, taking over your body piece by piece.
And when the tears stop coming and that feeling of dread
washes over you, you realize that, yes theyre really
gone. But thats also when you realize that even if
theyve left this world, our love for them and their love
for us doesnt leave with them. It never does.
1:08 pm

Love is known to be the purest and most direct source of

happiness; for when we are in love our hearts
automatically swell with joy and serenity. Its as if a pair
of invisible arms have wrapped themselves around us,
filling our bodies with a type of warmth that weve never
felt before. We feel as if nothing could ever harm us ever
again, as if we could do anything and then be able to
accomplish it; even if we had thought it impossible just a
few seconds ago. It establishes a sense of security in us
that no amount of material security could ever bring.
Like I said; its as if weve been wrapped inside this
warmth that shields us from anything and everything that
could ever harm us. And at the same time it creates this
sense of protectiveness in us; for while we ourselves feel
protected, we automatically also feel the need to protect
those we love, no matter the cost we may have to pay in
order to do it. Love is a feeling that elates us; its almost
as if were able to fly to the farthest destinations ever
imaginable. And sometimes if were lucky enough for
that love to last; we learn to soar.
2:34 pm

One of the greatest things about love is the fact that love
is blind. This is because love, unlike our own mindsets,
has no boundaries limiting it to material standards. We
love without ever caring about how light the other
persons skin tone is or whether they match what society
expects them to look like. We love without ever caring
about what religion the other person belongs to, without
ever overanalyzing their beliefs or falling into the luring
trap of stereotypes. We love without ever caring about
the other persons weight or body type, without ever
writing down the numbers on the scale or creating never
ending diet plans. We lover without every giving a single
thought to what people will say or what their opinions
will entail. We love without ever wanting anything back
in return, without ever needing any reassurances or
comforting whispers. Love isnt something that can be
weighed on a scale or be compared to the latest trends in
the latest magazines. It isnt something that can be
changed by any amount of surgeries or procedures. Love
is the type of feeling that oversees all skin tones and
religions and races. It simply just creates its home in our
hearts and never ceases to exist.
4:22 pm

Ive always felt as if love is this state of mind thats

always been and will always be beyond our
comprehension, almost as if it doesnt even belong in
this world. Sometimes it feels as if love is a type of
magic on its own, as if its a spell thats cast by and on
every other person you see. Its this outlandish
phenomenon that weve somehow been able to conquer
and trap inside of our hearts. For when I think of love I
think of the impossible, the unachievable. I think of far
away kingdoms and mesmerizing rainbows stretched out
over cerulean seas. Think of majestic horses running
wild, with their manes glistening underneath the
scorching sun. II think of the bonds formed between a
mother and her child, of how shed be willing to do
anything and give up anything for her childs happiness.
I think of the laughter of new born babies, how their
innocent souls see the world in a completely different
way I think of the first patch of flowers that starts t
bloom during the earliest days of spring, as it brings
hope for new beginnings with it. For thats really all love
does; it gives you hope.
5:48 pm

When youre in love you feel as if you can really be

yourself, without ever putting up any walls or having any
reservations. Its the only time where you allow the other
person to see through that faade, to see the real you.
Youre suddenly not trying to impress anyone nor are
you trying to make sure that everyone likes you. You
dont have to put on an endless show of fake smiles; you
can be yourself, even if youre at your worst. You dont
feel ashamed or embarrassed when the tears finally start
to come one by one. And as your shaky hands slowly
wipe away the last of the tears you feel a sense of
security and serenity, instead of feeling the need to make
up a hundred different excuses in order to explain
yourself. Its almost like coming home after a long,
tiring day, wiping off your make up and lounging around
the house just because you feel like it; youre finally able
to show your real self. For when youre in love you dont
need to make sure that the other person thinks youre
perfectly fine or that your life is one carefree joke. All
you really need to do is be honest to yourself and those
you love; its as simple as that.
12:50 am

One of the most common mistakes that we tend to make

when it comes to love is confusing being in love with
being infatuated. Love is the state of mind where you
feel as if you would truly go to any lengths for the other
person and that theres nothing on the face of the pant
that would stop you from making that person happy.
Love is a feeling pure and so unchangeable in its true
form, that theres really nothing else like it. Whereas
infatuation is often just the feeling where youre in love
with the idea of being in love and that other person is
just there to make up for those empty spaces in your life.
For when youre infatuated with someone youd never
even dream of actually giving up everything for them,
even if you insist that you would in front of others. And
thats just what infatuation is, its his faade that you put
up for the outside world in order to make your heart and
your life seem like a much warmer place than it actually
is. And the truth is that calling infatuation love is just
like mistaking a stray cat for a large, ferocious lion. And
thats just what love is; its like this untamable lion that
yearns to roam free and conquer everything around it. It
years to conquer our hearts, and most of the time it
succeeds.
1:45 pm

Ive often heard never ending complaints from people

about how theyre never going to fall in love and how
theyre never going to fine the one. However, love isnt
just the feeling that you get when you all in love with
that one person who youre going to be with for the rest
of your life. No, most of the time we fall in love with the
people who surround us each and every day of our lies,
from the minute we were born. We fall in love with our
family and as we grow older we fall in love with our
friends that eventually become family. We fall in love
with the seemingly insignificant and mundane moments
that take place every other day. We fall in love with the
laughter that tends to fill every hallway, and sometimes
we even fall in love with the upsetting, heartfelt talks
that take place in every corner of every room. We fall in
love with the inane conversations that make absolutely
no sense at all when you look back at them and we fall in
love with the random fits of joy that take place for
absolutely no reason. We fall in love with the people
around us, and most importantly we fall in love with the
joy that they bring into our lives.
12:50 am

One of the most common mistakes that we tend to make

when it comes to love is confusing being in love with
being infatuated. Love is the state of mind where you
feel as if you would truly go to any lengths for the other
person and that theres nothing on the face of the pant
that would stop you from making that person happy.
Love is a feeling pure and so unchangeable in its true
form, that theres really nothing else like it. Whereas
infatuation is often just the feeling where youre in love
with the idea of being in love and that other person is
just there to make up for those empty spaces in your life.
For when youre infatuated with someone youd never
even dream of actually giving up everything for them,
even if you insist that you would in front of others. And
thats just what infatuation is, its his faade that you put
up for the outside world in order to make your heart and
your life seem like a much warmer place than it actually
is. And the truth is that calling infatuation love is just
like mistaking a stray cat for a large, ferocious lion. And
thats just what love is; its like this untamable lion that
yearns to roam free and conquer everything around it. It
years to conquer our hearts, and most of the time it
succeeds.
1:45 pm

Ive often heard never ending complaints from people

about how theyre never going to fall in love and how
theyre never going to fine the one. However, love isnt
just the feeling that you get when you all in love with
that one person who youre going to be with for the rest
of your life. No, most of the time we fall in love with the
people who surround us each and every day of our lies,
from the minute we were born. We fall in love with our
family and as we grow older we fall in love with our
friends that eventually become family. We fall in love
with the seemingly insignificant and mundane moments
that take place every other day. We fall in love with the
laughter that tends to fill every hallway, and sometimes
we even fall in love with the upsetting, heartfelt talks
that take place in every corner of every room. We fall in
love with the inane conversations that make absolutely
no sense at all when you look back at them and we fall in
love with the random fits of joy that take place for
absolutely no reason. We fall in love with the people
around us, and most importantly we fall in love with the
joy that they bring into our lives.
 Anxiety
Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties
today of its strength.

-Charles Spurgeon
6:40 pm

The worst thing about anxiety is that you never know

when its going to hit. It comes in waves, at random
times where you never saw it coming. Anxiety is when
uncontrollable surges of pain make their way through
your body and paralyze you with fear. Anxiety is when
you body starts shaking and you arent able to make any
sense of whats going on as shivers make their way up
your spine. Anxiety is when you dont feel as if you have
the will to get out of bed in the morning. Its when you
start to feel nauseous even though you havent eaten for
the past 2 days. Its when you sat to doubt your ever
single move. Its when you cant help but apologize for
everything because you suddenly feel as if its your fault.
Its when you feel as if youre drowning even though
youre not anywhere near water. Its when you start to
feel out of place with people youve known for years.
Anxiety is when you get this feeling in your stomach hat
you cant control, a feeling that tells you everything in
your life is about to go wrong. And the worst part is that
most of the time you dont even know how or why that
feelings there.
7:15 pm

Anxiety attacks are probably one of the most tedious

things one has to go through in their life. True to its
wording; an anxiety attack is when all the worry and
exhaustion that youve built up inside suddenly bursts
out and attacks your mind. And in that moment you
feel as if theres absolutely no escape, as if no amount of
calming breaths or exercises could ever help you. It feels
as if everything around you is closing in; the walls, the
ceiling, the furniture and everything else in your line of
sight. It feels as if your throats suddenly closed up and
you cant breathe, no matter how hard you try. Its as if
someones wrapped thick strands of metal chains around
your neck and locked them in place. Your body starts to
tremble as bad as it would on a cold December night
with nothing there to give you warmth. You feel as if
youve been paralyzed and you couldnt move an inch
no matter how much strength you put into it. Its as if
your brains been paralyzed alongside your body and
your mind cant seem to focus on anything but the
thoughts that have now taken over you. You cant move
you cant think and you cant breathe. All you can do is
wait.
8:05 pm

It just seems so easy for people to tell you to look on the

bright side or to try and focus on the positives. Well
what happens when you feel as if there are no positives?
For in those moments its impossible for you to try and
focus on happier times or more joyous occasions. You
just cant. You cant focus on the days where you used to
be carefree and saw the good in everyone. You cant
even remember when you used to be that little girl or
boy who thought the anything was possible. You cant
find a silver lining or show optimism. You cant bring
yourself to laugh at jokes that arent funny. You cant
even bring yourself to smile at people youve known for
years much less at the strangers who youre supposed to
welcome with open arms. You cant act with the proper
etiquette or make sure that everyone approves of what
youre doing. You cant make sure that all of your
actions are according to what people expect of you or
what society expects of you. You cant even bring
yourself to wipe away the tears or try to breathe
normally. And thats just it; you cant pretend that
everythings okay, that everythings normal. And the
only reason for that is because it isnt, and deep down
you know that it hasnt been for a long time.
9:18 pm

One of the most probable causes of anxiety is fear. And

thats really all that anxiety is; its this fear thats been
slowly building of inside of us and is now threatening to
destroy everything that we think we have. When were
scare we tend to have something known as the fight or
flight reaction. But what happens when it all gets too
much? What happens when were just too tired to do
either? Do we give up? Or do we keep on fighting? And
its that process; its the process of losing the willpower
to fight that creates fear. And suddenly were now scared
of things that we hadnt even thought of since we were 5
years old. The monsters in our closet are coming back to
haunt us. The clowns hidden underneath are bed have
suddenly decided to wake up from their slumber. We get
angry at the smallest and most trivial of things, but what
most people dont know is that its only because of that
fear. Its that fear that eventually translates into anxiety
and we sometimes start to use anger as a way to hide it.
Because thats what scares us the most; were scared, no
were terrified of people seeing us the way we see
ourselves. To see someone in that light? Well its just
horrifying.
1:20 pm

What happened to us? Its a question that most of us

often ask ourselves. Its really just mind-blowing how a
person can go from being someone who sees potential in
everything and hope for the best to someone who barely
has the energy to wake up every day and face the world
as what it truly is. We stopped believing in what others
were capable of and more importantly, what we
ourselves were capable of. We stopped believing in
happily ever afters and the fairytales that our lives once
depended on are just that; theyre just fairy tales now
that hold absolutely no meaning in our lives. We stopped
believing that we could one day become princesses and
princes and astronauts and presidents. We started
believing that we somehow werent enough. We started
believing that we werent capable of achieving our
wildest dreams. We started believing that no matter what
we did or how hard we tried, it wouldnt be enough. That
it would never be enough. When did that happen? When
did we stop being the type of people who thought
anything was possible? When did we stop dreaming?
What happened to us? Well I guess this is the answer;
we grew up.
2:04 pm

Anxiety doesnt always entail romanticized heroic

stories where you fight for your sanity. It doesnt always
mean attacking your wrists and other visible veins with
blades in an attempt to make yourself feel better.
Anxiety doesnt just entail multiple sleeping pills gulped
in a hurry or hours spent hunched over porcelain bowls.
Sometimes it means not being able to get out of the
house for days on end because you feel as if your feet
have given up underneath you. Sometimes it means only
being able to gather up the courage and willpower just to
get out of bed and take a shower, and that being the most
productive thing youre able to do all day. Sometimes it
means lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling fan
until you lose track of time in an attempt to block out all
of your thoughts. Sometimes it means not being able to
pick up a pen and write because the only words going
through your head could lead to your destruction.
Sometimes it means refusing to pick up the phone when
someone calls you because you know youre not the
person theyre looking for, at least not anymore. And I
could go on and n about everything else that anxiety is,
but then we would be here all day wouldnt we?
5:12 pm

Youre never prepared for it. No matter how much you

think you are in fact prepared or no matter how
experienced you are; youre just never prepared for it.
Youre never prepared for what feelings your anxiety is
going to make you go through next. You never know
when its going to come, or even how its going to come.
Its a lot like staring at a black cloud knowing
somethings hiding inside it, but not being able to see
through the murky darkness. Like feeling as if
someones standing right behind you but not seeing
anyone when you quickly turn around. You never know
whats lurking around the corner waiting for you,
waiting to consume you. You never know what that
crushing anxiety is going to do net, or worse; what its
going to make you do next? For anxiety is one of those
things that are always n the unknown. You know its
there but it has this way of making you feel as if its
slowly faded away only to jump back into existence
when you least expect it, often at the worst possible
choice of time. And I guess thats one of the worst things
about anxiety. You never know whats going to happen
next or when its going to happen or how. But in a way
thats also a good thing; because where would we be if
we were constantly living in fear of what our anxiety
would cause us to feel next?
6:21 pm

We often wonder why anxiety is so hard to get rid of,

why it always refuses to leave us. Well here why; most
of us often have the wrong approach towards dealing
with anxiety. It cant just evaporate away in one go, you
need to put in time and effort and a whole lot of patience
for it to actually agree to leave you. If one was to
visualize you could look at the entire matter of anxiety as
one big sea, but you have to keep n mind that that sea is
made up of smaller, seemingly insignificant waves. And
n order to get rid of that sea, you would first slowly need
to tackle those waves in order for the sea to trickle down
until just a few drops are left. Those waves are what
represent the seemingly smaller problems in life; they
represent the actual causes of your anxiety. Yes, some
are slightly more apparent than others but theyre all
there, and they all contribute to the anxiety that is being
fostered inside of us. And the worst thing we do is fall
into the trap that suggests that some of these reasons are
stupid or nonsensical. All that matters is whether
those problems are affecting you, and those who think
those problems arent logical? Well, those are the ones
that dont matter.
4:46 pm

One of things that are usually a given when it comes to

anxiety is the fact that you fear that you arent enough.
And when that anxiety goes haywire? Well, then you
feel as if you know you arent enough. You feel as if
nothing youve ever done and nothing you could ever do
is enough. You feel as if youll never be able to live up
to the expectations that have now u=turned into a weight
around your neck. Societys expectations, your familys
expectations, your friends expectations, strangers
expectations and worst of all; your own expectations
And that really is the worst feeling ever imaginable
because we can take it when we dont fulfill the
expectations of others, but when we dont fulfill our own
expectations? Thats when we feel as if our entire world
is going to come crashing down because its almost as if
we dont know ourselves anymore. Weve not only let
everyone down, but weve also let ourselves down.
Were now just these watered down versions of our old
selves, with supposedly no hope of ever regaining back
any of our strength or willpower. But why are
expectations so important to us? Why are these
guidelines that sometimes act as boundaries so important
to us? I feel as if thats something Ill never know. And
the truth is I dont think I want to find out.
5:57 pm

Its hard to explain but Ive always felt utterly helpless

whenever it came to anxiety about anything, even if it
was something as minute as an open-book quiz. Its as if
the anxiety has suddenly taken control over your mind
and is never going to let you regain control. Its as if it
first started out as a drop of black ink in a bright,
cerulean sea which suddenly starting spreading and
mixing in with the calm waves turning that sea into a
shade of black darker than the night sky and turning the
calm waves into more turbulent and chaotic ones. Its a
lot like ice slowly creeping up your body; it starts out
small, only freezing and paralyzing you fingers and toes
but then as it slowly travels to your heart and your mind
it paralyzes your entire body, rendering you completely
and utterly helpless. Its like jumping into ice cold water,
only to realize that you never learnt how to swim. Its
like breaking one of your bones and the pain suddenly
attacking you after the adrenaline slowly wears off.
Anxiety is the sort of emotion that makes you feel as if
you cant do anything against it. And if you arent able
to identify it and target it, it slowly takes over you until
you reach a state of mind where you are a hundred
percent sure of the fact that you cant do anything about
it.
 Hope
Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the
darkness.

-Desmond Tutu
10:15 am

Hope is the one emotion that never lets you down. Never
fails to lift you up. Its the feeling that you get at the
highest points of your day, above even joy. Hope is what
you feel whenever you wake up to the see the sun slowly
rising in the sky, its light painting the world a thousand
different colors. Hope is what you feel when your
teachers remarks how well you may have done on a test.
Hope is that exhilarating breathe you take when you
cross the finish line after a long, grueling race. Hope is
the clenched fists and sweaty palms that you get
whenever theres an announcement. Hope is when you
just simply feel elated, more than youve ever felt before
and your head starts spinning as you ponder over the
endless possibilities. Hope is similar to that feeling that
makes you feel as if you can achieve anything and
everything, only its a hundred times better. Hope is the
reason for the dreams that take place underneath our
restless eyelids as we sleep soundly at night. And yes,
sometimes it may feel as if hope doesnt measure up to
any of this. Sometimes it may feel as if hope is the only
thing that has the ability to let us down, but what if that
feeling is just brought on by your own fears?
11:11 am

Its often said that sometimes all you need is a little bit
of hope. And personally, I guess its true. Proof of this
can be seen everyday, and sometimes its right in front
of our eyes but we still dont see it. Hope can turn an
absolutely horrible day into a day where you dont feel
as bad. It can create invisible hands that wipe away the
flowing tears in your cheeks and replace them with a
smile that has the ability to light up an entire room. It
can clear up a dark, stormy sky and reveal in its place, a
blue expanse with clouds floating leisurely through it. It
has the ability to turn even the scariest of moments into
something to laugh it, making our worst fears seem as if
they arent even there. It can tell a multitude of stories,
each one different than the last but all of them bringing a
little more joy into the dreariest of days. Hope is the
bright sun that peeks through the clouds after the heavy
showers of rain that tend to drown the entire city. In
simpler words, hope lets us dream beyond the stars and
travel to places we never even imagined would exist.
Hope is what creates new beginnings and its the very
basis of new possibilities and opportunities.
12:25 pm

The purest form of hope, the very essence of it, is often

found in things as mundane as fairy tales. For fairy tales
are often one of the first creations that teach us the
fundamentals of hope and what it brings. We start of
small, at the tender age of 2 or 3 where our parents lay
cuddled up in bed beside us; narrating each and every
fairytale over and over again until we finally fall asleep.
Then at the age of 5 we might be found alone in that
very same bed, with a small lamp on in the corner,
narrating the very same stories to ourselves and trying to
imitate the voices we imagine our favorite characters to
have. Going forward a few years, maybe at the age of 8,
well hide deep underneath the covers with a flashlight
illuminating the makeshift cave, in an attempt to fool our
parents into thinking were asleep. And as years pass we
might soon find ourselves at the age of 14 where these
fairytales arent read as often as they used to be, but we
still manage to find reminiscent moments in the nights
we spend reading the very same fairytales to our younger
brothers and sisters. And then as we slowly reach the age
of 17 those fairytales have now turned into a habit of our
childhood, and yet we still have each and every story
memorized in our hearts.
1:59 pm

Hope is the one thing that the human mind and body
simply cant function without, no matter the
circumstances. And most of us wouldnt agree with this,
but thats probably just because we dont even realize
were hoping for something until someone or something
else reminds us of the fact. But the thing is, that the
worst feeling in the world is when you feel as if you
dont have the ability to hope any more; as if youve
forgotten how to dream and yearn for things youve
wanted your whole life. Its like wanting something
more than anything else in the world and knowing deep
down that you possess the strength and ability to do it,
but just not being able to move a muscle when the time
does come. Not being able to hope is like not being able
to step out for a fresh breathe of air. Its like not being
able to see the first flowers that bloom in the spring or
not being able to accomplish something youve been
preparing for as long as you can remember. Thats what
its feel like; its like suddenly not having the strength
and willpower to get up every morning and go to school.
Its almost like you learning how to fly and coming
extremely close to doing it, only to fail at the very last
second. And lack of hope eventually just leads to a lack
of determination, and well, that just leads to not being
able to live life to the fullest.
7:54 pm

The best thing you could ever do for anyone, is to

become a source of hope for them. Imagine this; youre
in a state of mind where youre at peace with everything
and everyone around you. Where you arent afraid to
chase your wildest dreams and you know youll be able
to get back up even if you fail. Now imagine that in
order to reach this final state of mind you dont even
need to put in any mental or emotional effort, its just
handed to you by someone, by anyone. What better than
that right? Then why dont we do it? Why dont we try
to be the reason that people smile everyday? The reason
that our loved ones, or even strangers feel as if there
lives are a little better than they were a few minutes ago?
Why dont we try to be the reason they feel as if they can
hope again? And it not even that difficult, for hope can
be brought in all shapes and sizes and ways and people.
some days even a small smile as you pass someone is
enough to make them feel a little more hopeful. Some
days it takes a lot more effort and whispered
reassurances for you to reach that. But isnt it worth it in
the end? Isnt it worth it to see that persons face light up
in an instant? For we could all use a little hope
sometimes.
8:15 pm

To put it into simpler words; hope is the reason why you

dont give up. For hope is what drives you to get back up
again and again until you dont need to anymore. Its
what encourages you, no, forces you to try and try and
try again until you reach that point where youre happy
and content with what youve got and who you are.
Hope is the reason youre able to get out of bed everyday
and make it to school. Its the reason youre able to give
it your two hundred percent, even when its not the best
of days. Hope is what teaches us that after every raging
storm theres a calmer, more soothing breeze thats sure
to follow. It teaches us that after every harsh winter
comes the season of spring, bring endless possibilities
along with it. Hope is that feeling you get inside your
heart where you feel all cozy and warm, its that feeling
when you know you can do something and that you can
do it better than anyone else has ever before. Hope
teaches you to accept yourself for who you really are,
without ever neglecting any of your shortcomings or
strengths. And above all, hope teaches you that even
when youre not able to perform as well as you thought
its okay. Its okay.
9:45 pm

Youve probably grown up hearing the phrase one in a

million, or more commonly be that one in a million.
But deep down you know its not as easy as everyone
insists to make it out to be. And this is why you need
something there to encourage you and to strengthen you
to actually achieve that goal which is sometimes set by
yourself but more often set by those who surround you.
You need something that pushes you beyond your limits
without ever breaking you. And even if it does break
you, it knows exactly how to put you back together
again. Something that knows you better than you know
yourself something that you can trust more than you
trust yourself. You as an individual, need something that
only cares about you as that individual and is ready to
make you wiling to fight for yourself and what you
believe in. Something thats going to hit everyone
around you like a hurricane, and theyll never see it
coming. Theyll never see that strength, that willpower
when you finally do gain it to its highest potential.
Something that lets you dream and want the best there is.
That something needs to be stronger than anything
youve ever faced or will face in the future. And that
something is hope. Let hope be the anchor that motivates
you to be that one in a million.
10:26 pm

One of the worst mistakes you could ever make is to try

to rely solely on yourself. Yes, you know yourself more
than anyone else and thats more than alright. But you
dont need to do it all on your own. You dont need to
put up a faade and build these walls to keep everyone
out. And yes, youve been hurt before but that doesnt
mean its going to happen every single time you let
someone in. So wipe off that fake smile and break down
those walls brick by brick. Let them see the real you, let
them be the ones to pull you up for once. Let them be
your crutches as you heal. Let them fill your world with
hope. Let their laughter and their jokes that make no
sense empty your mind until nothing but pure
contentment is left. Let the hours spent complaining
about homework and tests fill you with hope. Let the
never ending rants about fandoms and the latest movies
fill your life with hope. Let the bone crushing hugs and
whispered words fill your heat with hope. Hope for the
fact that youre never going to be alone, no matter how
much you try to push everyone away. For those that care,
well they never let you live without hope. Not for a
second.
2:14 pm

One of the main reasons to never lose hope, one that you
should never let go of, is the fact that hope is something
that always makes space for a better tomorrow. Hope is
something that never lets you fall into a vicious cycle of
the exact same events and emotions. It never lets you
predict or expect whats going to happen next, it always
surprises you. Hope is the creator of the unknown. Its
like this thick fog covering everything in front of you so
you cant see anything until you get extremely close to
it. And this might scare you at times, but it also creates
this feeling in you that longs for the next day to come as
soon as possible. Sometimes its like walking through a
narrow, dark pathway and finding your worst fear at the
end of the tunnel. But most of the time its like following
a rainbow and finding a pot of gold waiting for you at
the end. And thats really just what it is, its unknown.
Hope fills your life with all sorts of unexpected turns and
surprises. And yes, some days that surprise isnt always
good but the days when it? Doesnt it make everything
worth the wait? Doesnt it make all the surprises and the
fear and the anticipation worth it?
4:55 pm

Hope tends to make the whatever youre going through

right now a lot easier to go through. It has this way of
taking your mind off whats going on in your life at the
moment and then making you dream of all the absolutely
wonderful possibilities that the coming days hold. Its
like looking for ward to your birthday or Halloween or
holidays or any other thin that makes your world a
happier place to be in. Because thats what it is; its your
world. And if youre not going to be happy in it, who
else will? And thats why you should always look at the
silver lining, which is in most cases the possibilities of
whats to come and the opportunities tat the future may
hold. And the best way to focus on that is to make sure
that your heart and your mind contain just enough hope
to get you through till the next day, and then the next and
the next and so on until you reach that place where
youre happy even without hope. But Ive always
wondered, s that even possible? S it possible to be happy
without being able to dream for whats to come next? Is
it possible to be happy without hope?
 Acceptance
Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic,
imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater
than our level of self acceptance.

-Brene Brown
2:07 pm

One of our greatest accomplishments will always be the

second we decided to accept ourselves for who we really
are; without any faades or drama or exaggeration. The
moment we accept the fact that maybe were not as
skinny or as curvy as everyone else surrounding us, but
thats okay. The moment we accept that were not as
smart as the next person, but thats okay. The moment
we accept that one of our friends s a lot more popular
than us and gets a lot more attention, but thats okay.
The moment we accept the fact that our nose isnt right
size and that our facial structure isnt ideal, but thats
okay. The moment we accept the fact that were not as
muscular or as tall as our role model and we might never
be, but thats okay. The moment we accept that were
not living up to everyones expectations or even our own
expectations, but thats okay. The moment we accept the
fact that no matter how hard we try were not gong to be
the best at everything, but thats okay. The moment we
accept that were not anywhere near perfect, but thats
okay. Its okay. And its always going to be okay,
sometimes even more than okay.
3:25 pm

One of the things that Ive seen in everyone that Ive

met, including myself is our refusal to let ourselves
accept the fact that were upset. We refuse to accept the
fact that were capable of crying, that were capable of
being vulnerable. It scares us. Its as simple as that;
opening up to someone else and expressing that
vulnerability scares us to death. Were not used to it. We
feel as if were not ready for it. And maybe we arent,
but how will we ever know if we dont at least try to find
out? And I can tell you from experience that it really
does help. Because suddenly were able to let out
everything that been pent up inside of us and everything
thats slowly been building up into this endless
skyscraper. But it gets better, and there is absolutely
nothing wrong and theres absolutely no shame in
admitting the fact that youre upset. And it is human
nature, we tend to ignore what hurts us the most. But the
minute we accept the fact that were not as okay as we
want to be, thats the minute it all starts to get better. For
accepting that theres a problem is the first step to
solving that very problem.
4:40 pm

Ive always felt that the only type of acceptance that

threatens to break us is the acceptance of others that we
tend to yearn everyday of our lives. But the truth is that
it doesnt matter. It just doesnt. It doesnt matter that
someone you barely know thinks that your body isnt
beautiful the way it s or that you need to lighten or
darken your skin, or that you need to change even a
single thing about the way you look. It doesnt matter if
a person you dont care about thinks that youre not
smart enough to be where you are right now or that you
dont work hard enough or that you dont deserve to be
doing what youre doing in your life right now. And
even if ts someone that you do care about, t still doesnt
matter. And the truth s that f they really cared about you,
they wouldnt care about such things at all. And Im here
to tell you that the only opinion that matters is yours.
You are the only person that can decide what youre
supposed to look like or what your personality is
supposed to be like. Youre the only one who has the
right to be able to accept who you are, and f others dont
accept you? Well then t just doesnt matter.
5:27 pm

Its always been incredibly difficult for me to accept

death. I just cant, it takes days and sometimes even
weeks for me to actually even process the information.
Even after seeing the body being lowered into the
ground, Im still not able to fully accept the fact t that
that person, who was a huge part of my life, is now gone.
Im never ready to accept the fact that the hollow, empty
feeling n my chest is really there. Part of my mind keeps
on telling me that that person s going to suddenly come
back and that everythings going to suddenly go back to
normal again. My minds never ready to process the fact
that death s something that more intimidating and final
than anything and everything else. And I guess its
because Im scared. Im scared of the fact that accepting
death means that Im letting go of that person. Im
letting go of that person and at the same time Im letting
go of the hope that theyre going to come back. And
because of that, I feel as if Im letting go of a part of
myself. But I guess after a while you have to accept that
a part of that person has left with them. However at the
same, another part of the same person will always
remain with you, even after death.
11:15 am

When you think about, acceptance really isnt all that

different from receiving closure. For when you accept
something, its like finally finishing the last chapter to a
book youve been writing for the past 5 months. Its a lot
like accepting the fact that whats done is done and now
its finally time to let go and move on. Because no
matter what you accept or how you accept it, it always
feels like the end of something really good, and
sometimes really bad. Acceptance in a way, lets you
wrap up all of the loose ends and then tie all of the
thread back together one last time. It lets you say one
final goodbye before leaving and never planning on
coming back. Its like the end of a camping trip and it
signifies the ride you take together in order to go back
home. Its that breath you take after finishing the last lap
of a race, only to find out that youve finally one.
Acceptance is a lot like that, and the funniest part is that
you never really know whats going to come after
youve finished that part. I guess all you can do is hope
for the best.
1:26 pm

Acceptance isnt really something that you can force, it

has to come naturally and it takes time. It isnt
something that comes in the blink of an eye. And it isnt
something that just happens whenever you want it to or
will it to. Acceptance is the type of feeling that takes
effort and time and resilience and patience in order to
reach. And all you can do is just accept this. You need to
let it slowly take over you and consume you so that not a
single thought of yours is left indecisive or doubtful.
You need to be a hundred percent sure of what youre
doing, what youre feeling and what you want. You need
to let your mind and your body relax. You need to let
every single thought related to that one single idea flow
out of your mind and into the oblivion. You need to let
the acceptance find you, instead of going out and hunting
for it yourself. You need to give it time. Otherwise
theres just no point is there. Because if you were to rush
acceptance and try to change its nature, well then it
cant really be considered as acceptance at all can it?
2:42 pm

In a situation where you know nothing is going to

change, all you can really do is just accept the fact that
this is the way things are and this is how theyre going to
be for quite some time. Because whats the point in
spending hours worrying about what could be or what
could have been? Whats the point in driving yourself
crazy by over thinking and over evaluating everything
that happens until the point that nothing makes sense to
you anymore. Whats the point in trying to change
something you know you dont have the power to
change. Especially if that change is good. Because the
mistake that we often make is thinking that all change I
negative and unacceptable. But no, thats not true. Most
of the time, the change that takes place in our lives takes
place for a reason and more often than not that reason is
for us to grow as individuals and to develop our own
identities. And if we were to shun every single change
that takes place where would we be? What would have
happened if we had refused to accept the change that
took place in us? If we refused to accept the people we
have now become?
4:56 pm

Acceptance doesnt always mean that you agree and

appreciate everything that has happened. Sometimes all
it means that you accept the fact that something else is to
come and that that something else might change the
world. But is that all it means? For every single person in
this world has their own battles that they need to fight
and their own dilemmas tat they need to accept. And
acceptance, well its different for each and every person.
To some, acceptance is agreeing with something blindly
and then never changing you opinions regarding it. To
some, acceptance is when you know and consider the
fact that something has happened but you still work
towards making that change better. To some, acceptance
is welcoming change with open arms and never
protesting against it. To some, acceptance is when you
are okay with who you are and what that entails; whether
its mental or emotional or physical. To some,
acceptance doesnt even exist and they dont believe in it
at all. To some acceptance is when you slowly let it heal
all of your battle scars and give it the time and patience
that its always needed. So yes, I could try to define
acceptance for you. But does it really have just one
definition?
11:46 pm

While you need to accept who you are, at the same time
its almost as important to accept who everyone else is.
So dont judge them based on their religion or what it
dictates. Dont judge them based on what their skin color
is and what stereotypes have taught us to think about
them. Dont judge them just because they dont fit into
your ideals of perfection and what you think young men
and women should look like. Dont judge theme based
on what you think you may have heard about them or
something that they might have said. Just be accepting.
Be accepting of who they are and what joy theyre going
to bring into your life. Be accepting of their differences
and what makes them unique. Be accepting of their
weight or religion or gender or race or whatever else that
makes them who they are. Empower them and
strengthen them to be who they truly are and never hide
it from the world. You probably know what it feel like
right? You probably know what it feels like to not be
accepted. So why put those around you through that?
Why not make them feel as if they belong? Because they
do. We all do.
12:00am

And as I write this last one, I bid you farewell and I hope
from the bottom of my heart that anyone reading this
will one day, fall in love with themselves. And as I
continue writing this Im starting to feel this undeniable
sense of dread in me, but at the same time Im
overwhelmed with happiness and pride. I guess thats
just what life is isnt it? Its not just one emotion at one
time and another at the next. Its never all happy or all
sad. Its always a confusing, chaotic mixture of
everything. And I hope that, no matter how long it takes
and no matter what it takes, you one day find that place
in your heart where youre truly content and proud of
who you are. I hope that one day you see yourself the
way others see you. I hope you cherish and protect
yourself the way you deserve to be. And I guess now the
time has come to say goodbye to you. But always
remember to never let you emotions take control of you,
instead take control of them and with that youll be able
to accomplish feats you never even dreamed of. So
dream. And grieve. And fear. And be happy. And
sometimes be sad. Feel appalled. Feel angry. Let
yourself fall in love. Let yourself worry. Let yourself
hope. And let yourself accept. Thats all I have to say.
Thank You.
 Acknowledgements

Thank you to everyone who made this book and this

journey possible.

To my family, who were always the voice of reason

against my unexplainable complaints and arguments about
how this would never be done in time.

To my teachers who advised me in the most tedious

chapters of this book and gave me the courage and wisdom
to pull through.

To my friends who cheered me up whenever I felt as if this

would never end. Who were the never ending source of my
inspiration for what you have just read.

To those who are reading this; youre the reason this book
ever even came into being.