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Acknowledgement: this course was adapted from Mentoring: The Human Touch (Mitstifer,
Wenberg, Schatz, 1991) by Susan S. Stratton, Lisa H. Wootton, and Dorothy I. Mitstifer.
Copyright 2000, Kappa Omicron Nu.
Overview
This course is offered as a contribution to leadership development. Mentoring is a popular topic
in education and business but Self-Managed Mentoring puts a different twist on the subject.
Self-development, after all, is a personal choice, and this course enables persons to take charge
of their lives. In return for this freebie we ask only that you write your storya sort of testimonial
about how you used the content of this course and what the outcomes were. You may send
your story to kon.org.
You, of course, know that copyright law holds that use of this material for purposes other than
your personal self-development requires advance approval. Approval can be acquired through
kon.org.
2. Experiential Knowledge - Read the text and select several exercises that increase
your competence in selected areas.
3. Self-Managed Life Change - Read the text and complete the whole series of
exercises in order to make a major difference in your life.
There are five sections and twenty-seven activities in this course, and the authors recommend a
minimum of fifteen hours (for options 3 and 4 above) to get the best value for your investment of
time.
Opportunities for college credit, CEUs, or PDUs This course could be administered for college
credit like a special problem or as a component of a course, but persons desiring such credit
must take the initiative. Kappa Omicron Nu will support such efforts if requested.
*Tip for navigating in the web -b ased course: In addition to the links at the bottom of each activity,
the browser "Back" button will take you to the immediately preceding location.
Section I: Introduction/Orientation
A person cannot lead others without first learning how to lead oneself. A mentor cannot mentor
others without first having been mentored successfully. It is in knowing thyself and recognizing
your own strengths AND weaknesses that authentic leadership begins. It is in the experience of
seek and you shall find; ask and you shall receive that we learn the wisdom of life and powerful
strategies to help others.
Completing this course well will require four commitments from you:
1. Self-discipline to complete all the activities provided. Each activity will help you
explore a part of yourself that you may not have thought about before.
2. Keeping a journal. All activities should be kept in that journal, as well as other
reflections. It is recommended that you continue writing the journal beyond the
completion of the course. Journaling can help you reflect on who you are in the world
and how life impacts you. At the beginning of your journal, label 3-5 pages with
Mentoring Needs. It is on these pages that you will accumulate a list of mentoring
needs, which will present themselves as you progress through the activities of this
course. You will find this symbol at each activity that requires you to write in your
journal:
3. Design for yourself a support group of three other people that you can call on as you
progress through this course of study. The members of this group can serve you in the
following ways:
As your point of accountability. You need to tell someone that you are doing a
specific exercise and that you want him or her to check up on you to b e certain
you have completed it b y a date certain. Select someone who can motivate you.
As your confidant. There will b e things that come to you through your reflections
that you may want to talk ab out. Such conversations may b e very personal.
Select someone you can trust in those moments.
As your cheerleader. There may b e times you will want to not follow through with
this course. Select someone who will remind you of your vision as you b egin this
course.
As you progress through this course, lean on these people to help you
in your personal and professional growth.
What ab out that makes me excited? How does that make me feel?
What ab out that makes me grateful? How does that make me feel?
What ab out that makes me committed? How does that make me feel?
What ab out that makes me loving? How does that make me feel?
Mentoring is carried on in informal and formal ways. It can be done through facilitation by another
individual or through self-facilitation. This course focuses on creating a Self-Managed Mentoring
Program.
Completing this course well will put you on the path to successful adulthood, a promising
professional life, and a healthy, integrated personal approach to life.
Informal mentoring
Most people experience the informal happenstance mentoring throughout a lifetime. Lucky
mentees are chosen by persons who take a special interest in them and promote their
personal or career development. A major problem with this informal mentoring is that women
and minorities are the least likely to be adopted by a mentor. The old boys network for
promising young men, especially white, middle class men, has not yet been fully adapted for
other deserving candidates. Thus the reason for the development of more formal mentoring
programs and services.
Formal mentoring
Formal mentoring programs vary in scope and design. Some are sophisticated programs with
staffs for training and monitoring progress; others are volunteer-led networks for supporting
mentors and mentees. Professional associations and business are likely sponsors of mentoring
networks. Personal coaches, like a personal trainer, are available for hire by either a corporate
professional development department for promising career candidates OR by an individual who
is determined to fulfill career dreams.
Through self-facilitation or self-management, mentees identify, understand, and use their unique
developmental patterns to manage their own mentoring. In other words, by observing yourself
objectively, and reflecting on what you observe, you can determine exactly what you need to
overcome your next developmental challenge. A mentoring self-management program places the
responsibility onto the mentee and expands the notion of mentoring to include peers, parents
and siblings, biographies, illuminating materials and media, reflection on field experiences and
serial mentoring.
Passive self-management occurs when you put yourself in a situation where things will happen
to you, which you believe will be empowering. By placing yourself in certain situations, you are
provided with experiences, which affect you more or less profoundly. When you choose to enroll in
a course or to work in a particular environment, you are practicing passive self-management.
Proactive self-management occurs when you consciously choose to alter your behaviorto
interrupt how you normally do things, believing this can benefit you. You may choose to speak or
listen or behave in a new way. You take the initiativeit is your idea, your choice, your action. For
example, choosing to exercise is proactive self-management for a person who may normally be
inactive. Choosing to wear a different style of clothing may alter how people respond to you.
Beginning meditation, expressing feelings you usually hide, or sharing secrets are all examples
of proactive self-management.
This proactive self-management focus allows you to work through all the barriers you internally
create to resist change in behavior. Using your conscious will in pursuit of a personal goal is the
thing that gives you the energy to keep on the path of pursuit. As you become more proactive in
your life, you will also become stronger.
As you pursue your career, you will ultimately be in a profession where you must mentor and lead
others. For a mentor-in-training, self-management is essential. You need to take on training
yourself to be fully conscious and as aware as possible. This self-management training needs to
become a life practice, focused on looking for ways of continuous self-improvement.
This course is just the beginning. It provides you tools and resources to identify your needs and
processes, ways to assess the timing of the mentoring activity as well as tools to determine the
best mentoring form to overcome the unique personal and professional challenges you face.
In your journal (after the Mentoring Needs pages), title the next several pages as follows:
Years 0-5, Years 6-10, Years 11-15, Years 16-20, Years 21-25, etc. in five year increments to your
current age.
On each page allocated, answer the following questions about that time frame:
What was my favorite? Food? Game? Music? Friend? Toy(s)? Hobbies? Interests?
Clothes?
Staying in touch with all of you is important as you b egin to reflect on where you want to go and
This historical review may take 2 pages or mayb e 20. Some of it may b e difficult to recall and
some will flow quite easily. Reviewing the history of any relationship is the first step in determining
the next developmental challenges.
After completing the narrative review of your life, record your observations in your journal,
completing at least one of the following sentences:
What mentoring messages did important people in your life leave with you? What effect did they
have on who you are, who you can be, and what you should do? Did they instill you with strong,
repetitive messages? Use the space below to explore both the positive and negative messages
youve received.
Function
Mentoring Messages
DIRECTIONS:
Draw pictures to depict your answers to six (6) of the following questions.
QUESTIONS:
These questions will help you identify the personal qualities that you wish to represent you.
3. What is the one thing that other people can do to make you most happy?
4. What would you do if you had one year to live and were guaranteed success in whatever you
attempted?
5. What three words would you most like to have said about you if you died today?
6. What is one value, a deep commitment, from which you would never budge?
9. What three words (qualities) would you like to have associated with you? These could become
your personal motto, words to live by.
Source: Simon, S.B. (1974). Meeting yourself halfway. Niles, IL: Argus.
After completing the Coat of Arms exercise, record your observations in your journal, completing
at least one of the following sentences:
Have any of the activities in Section I suggested any needs you may have
for mentoring? Enter those needs on the first pages of your journal.
Have you been faithfully asking yourself the morning and evening
empowerment questions? Remember, they will help you notice how you
are in the world, but they will also help you see your life in a positive light
and reduce your stress level!
Have you been using your support group of three to keep you
accountable to this process? What do you need from them to complete
the next section of this course?
The concept of self-managed mentoring is about clarifying your values, assessing your own
mentoring needs, setting goals and developing an action plan to achieve your goals. In other
words, you design your own unique mentoring program.
The map that describes your mentoring strategies will be unlike anyone elses. Your life
experiences are always in flux and are being shaped by how you deal with life on lifes terms. As
in any wise planning process, establishing a vision is the first step. The exercises in this section
will help you reflect on the big picture of YOU and give you an opportunity to notice your themes
and ruts, and consider alternative futures for YOU.
So take off the blinders of probability and possibility. Throw out the filters
of whether you need it, deserve it, or are worth it. List everything here that
youve ever wantedto travel, to own, to be or to become. Think about
what YOU want.
In terms of Self, think about the total you. Consider what you want
professionally, financially (materially), socially, physically, intellectually,
emotionally, ethically, spiritually, and family relationship-wise. Continue
adding to the list in your journal, as you create new dreams.
Step 1: In one sitting, in your journal, make a list of 100 questions that are important to you. The
list can include any kind of question as long as it seems significant to you. Your questions may
range from Why is the sky blue? to What is the meaning of my existence? to How can I laugh
more? to How can I enjoy the cloudy days more? to What grad school is right for me? Write
quickly, dont edit. Dont worry about repeating the same question. The first 20 questions will be
easy, and the next 30 will offer themes and needs. The final fifty will likely be profound thoughts
and unexpected discoveries.
Step 2: Reflection. Once you have the 100 questions written, set them aside. In another sitting,
consider the emerging themes without judging them. Write your observations about the list in
your journal. Look at the themes that are presentwhat do they say about the challenges and
focus that you are presented?
Step 3: Your Top Ten. Choose the 10 questions of your 100 that seem most significant to you.
Rank them in the order of importance to you. Dont try to answer them, just put them in one place
where you can easily find them.
Step I: From the list of values (both work and personal), select the ten that are most important to
youas guides for how to behave, or as components of a valued way of life. Feel free to add any
values of your own to the list.
___Excitement ___Being around others who are open and honest ___Work under pressure
___Financial gain
___Freedom
Step 2: Now that you have identified ten values, imagine if you are only permitted to have five
values. Which five would you give up? Cross them off.
Step 3:From the remaining five values, identify you top three and circle them.
Step 4: Take a look at your top three values and answer the following questions in your journal:
1. Exactly what do the value terms mean to you? What are you expecting from
yourselfeven in bad times?
2. How would your life be different if those values were prominent and practiced?
4. Are you willing to choose a life in which these values are paramount?
Take a look at the list of professional competencies that could enhance your career success.
Check off the #1 area of your concern in the eight categories presented.
___Leadership Skills
___Delegating
___Financial Analysis
___Building Coalitions
Once you have identified your Big 8, answer the following questions in your journal:
Why do you see this area currently as incompetence? What specifically is the gap in skill
or knowledge that you see in your life or career?
How will learning about that area impact your life or career?
If you displayed that area competently, what doors would it open for you?
Professional visionwhat would possessing that competency bring to you?
Activity 2.5: Goal Setting (to complete this exercise, you must first
complete Activities 1.1-1.4, 2.1-2.4)
From my 100 questions activity, what themes are present to me that I need to explore further?
Enter those needs on the first pages of your journal.
What situation or type of relationship recurs in your life? Does this suggest a need? Enter those
needs on the first pages of your journal.
From your dream inventory, what do you want to change in your life that will help you get what you
want? Enter those needs on the first pages of your journal.
From your Checklist of Personal Values, what must you do in order to put your life and career
pursuits in alignment with your personal values? Enter those needs on the first pages of your
journal.
From the Checklist for Professional Competencies, enter the eight needs you have identified in
the first few pages of journal.
Given your history and current situation, what do you need to get to the next level? Enter those
needs on the first pages of your journal.
Goal-Setting Worksheet
Step 1: Take about 3 minutes to write, in the space below, the professional and personal
values you hold.
Step 2: Take about 5 minutes to write, in the space below, two to four needs.
Step 3: Prioritize your needs by indicating your first and second priorities.
First:
Second:
Step 4: Write goals to achieve your first and second needs. Use an active verb to complete the
sentence stem.
I will:
Step 5: Revealing and Clarifying Personal GoalsDiscuss (with a member of your support
group) your values, needs, priorities, and goals. Listen to feedback and rewrite goals if
warranted.
Have you been faithfully asking yourself the morning and evening
empowerment questions? Remember, they will help you notice how you
are in the world, but they will also help you see your life in a positive light
and reduce your stress level!
Have you been using your support group of three to keep you
accountable to this process? What do you need from them to complete
the next section of this course?
3 As Of Primary Mentors
Mentors are classified by Darling & Schatz (1991) into three categories.
ATTRACTION:
Feeling Drawn to Your Mentor
"I felt drawn toward" I was inspired by" "I enjoyed being with"
ACTION:
A Mentor Takes Action for Your Benefit
"She looked after my best interests" "He opened doors for me" "She always
gave me good advice"
AFFECT:
The Mentor Has Positive Feelings About You
"She gave me confidence" "He listened to me" "She helped me learn to trust
myself"
The following Table describes the "3 A's" and the component characteristics in more detail and
serves as an assessment instrument.
Role Model
Attraction Domain
Low 1 2 3 4 5 High
Low 1 2 3 4 5 High
Inv estor
Action Domain
Supporter
Affect Domain
She was so warm, I knew she cared about The Support Giver
me... He always made himself available to
me... I felt I could do no wrong in her eyes... Importance:
He provided the unconditional love I needed
Low 1 2 3 4 5 High
to...
She was always willing to listen I can tell him The Listener/Adviser
anything... After I told her what was wrong, she
showed me how to... He was always there for Importance:
me when I needed someone to talk to...
Low 1 2 3 4 5 High
Adapted from the research of Lu Ann W. Darling, Ed.D., based on 100 interviews with nurses and
dietitians (Darling & Schatz, 1991).
Identify a significant mentor who has contributed to your growth and rate
the importance of each characteristic from 1 (low) to 5 (high) on the
"Professional Mentoring Behaviors" Table. This form can also be helpful
in facilitating self-guidance and personal growth.
Write a message to yourself (in your journal) to explain what you learned
about mentoring in this activity.
3 Mentoring Domains
Primary Mentors possess characteristics from all three domains. Secondary Mentors will
possess characteristics from one or two of these domains.
Who are your Primary and Secondary Mentors? List them below, and add to your list as you gain
new mentors.
1 1
2 2
3 3
4 4
5 5
6 6
Self-mentoring is the way you guide yourself through problems and decisions. These
self-developed techniques are internal and self-sustaining approaches to life. These techniques
revolve around a personal belief system that significantly impacts the way you view your world
and the help and resources that are available to you. As you do this activity, you may find that
some of your methods may be outdated or ineffective. You might also find that you would like to
incorporate new techniques into your approach to achieve more effective problem solving and
decision-making.
I was always told to... Parents, teachers, or I suddenly noticed... We are constantly
other adults are often our first mentors. They exploring our surroundings and examining
teach us their values, basic survival skills, and other peoples coping mechanisms and
more. We eventually internalize some or all of varied ideas. We often tailor these to our own
their views and use them throughout our lives: purposes and integrate new ideas into our
self-mentoring techniques:
I always felt that... Some people have such Other self-mentoring methods:
strong, constant views that they seem to have
a source different from those described above.
Some seem to possess innate abilities or an
inner compass which guides them:
the desire to learn and grow in your personal and professional life
the ambition to move forward
the ability to take risks
commitment and loyalty to yourself
a positive perception of the self
a combination of intelligence and common sense
a strong commitment to goals and personal responsibility
a willingness to listen and follow through with directions.
The linked checklist is a self-evaluation tool for determining your readiness for mentoring.
Mentee Checklist*
Im a good follower 3 2 1 0
Id be willing to speak up
(diplomatically) if I disagreed with a 3 2 1 0
mentorIm not a yes person
Total________
Scoring:
11-20 You need some time to think about your needs, abilities, and the nature of your
commitment.
*Adapted from Phillips-Jones, L. (1982). Mentors and protgs. New York: Arbor House.
Have any of the activities in Section III suggested any needs you may
have for mentoring? Enter those needs on the first pages of your journal.
Have you been faithfully asking yourself the morning and evening
empowerment questions? Remember, they will help you notice how you
are in the world, but they will also help you see your life in a positive light
and reduce your stress level!
Have you been using your support group of three to keep you
accountable to this process? What do you need from them to complete
the next section of this course?
The development of a Self-Mentoring Plan requires analysis of the available resources. In other
words, you need to explore alternative human and knowledge resources that could assist you in
your planning for mentoring, and then determine which is the best approach to get what you
need.
Your specific developmental challenges may require one of three types of mentorship: traditional,
step-ahead or peer mentorship. You may also find value in secondary mentoring relationships
like social or professional network connections or a niche mentor.
Traditional Mentors are the revered elder members of society/family, possessing wisdom or
experience. The department head of the university would fit into this category.
Step-Ahead Mentors are the older siblings of society/family. They are slightly older and have
more experience and knowledge. A graduate level student would be a step-ahead mentor for an
undergrad.
Peer Mentors are our equals in society/family. They are from our peer group and are our
colleagues and friends with whom we cooperatively share and learn.
Secondary Mentors can be extremely helpful in filling mentoring needs, especially when the ties
you form are developed correctly and used wisely. Though an individual network tie may be of the
secondary mentoring variety, when taken as a whole, the network may have the combined impact
of a primary mentor.
Given your current needs (on your goal worksheet), what value could
each of these types of mentors bring to you as you work through the
challenge presented? For example, how could a traditional mentor best
help me with this issue? How could a step-ahead mentor help me with
the issue? What value could a peer mentor bring with this issue?
Consider the existing or potential networking opportunities in your life
and determine if this mentoring avenue might be used more effectively
and bring value to the issue at hand. Is there a niche in your life that
needs a mentor now?
Write the answers to these questions in your journal. Then identify which
type of mentor is best suited to the issue of concern.
The level 1 power relationship will likely apply if you have no successful experience or
competence in the area of pursuit. If being in the level 1 state of the relationship troubles you, be
encouraged by the concept that these are stages that one passes through. When you begin to
gain experience and wisdom, the power relationship should shift to higher levels.
Whatever level you begin at in your mentoring relationship will be determined by your willingness
and motivation to learn in combination with your competence in the area. Hersey (1984) tracks
the leaders (mentors) role with the followers (mentees) role. When you enter into a mentoring
relationship, you must honestly assess your willingness and ability and then choose a mentor
who meets the needs of the level you require for growth.
Unable and Provide specific instructions 1 Is very directive and tells the
unwilling or and closely monitor or inexperienced mentee what to do and
insecure, supervise performance. how to do it.
Unable but Explain decisions and 2 Provides major direction to the mentee
willing or provide opportunity for based on greater experience, realism,
motivated clarification. and expertise to do things and get
things done.
Toxic Mentors
No environment is free from adversity. Seldom does a relationship develop smoothly and without
crisis. Carl Jung said there is no coming to consciousness without pain. Every relationship has
the potential for toxic effects, and the mentoring relationship is no exception.
You will not find a perfect mentor, but what you want to seek instead are real and honest
connections. Perfection has no depth and no personality. Imperfection means that sometimes we
will get upset with others, or they will get upset with us. The mentor-mentee relationship requires
a commitment to stay in the relationship dialogue as long as both people are willing to work on
the relationship. Working through crises is how a relationship grows from simply being an idea to
having its unique reality.
The rough spots may frighten you. You may wonder whats wrong with me or with the other
person, or the relationship. You cannot escape such questions. To run from the challenge cuts off
the possibilities for growth. Learning to limit the negative consequences of such relationships
may be a necessary life lesson for you.
Keeping that in mind, there are several types of toxic mentors that you may have in your life:
If the fit isnt right, be honest about the difficulties you sense in the relationship and end the
relationship with the mentor. If you still need mentoring, find another mentor that fits better
with what you need.
If you cant stay away from the toxic relationship, balance the relationship with a support
network and or draw upon your own internal resources to minimize the detrimental effects.
Although toxic relationships have an impact, you can look for opportunities in the situation
and not be blinded by the dangers you foresee. Using the list of questions below may help
you find opportunities in the situation:
In your journal, consider the primary mentors you have had in your life
(Activity 3.1a.). Were any of them toxic mentors? What impact did that
toxicity have on you at the time? What impact does it have on you today?
Consider your secondary mentors listed in Activity 3.1a. Were any of them
toxic mentors? What impact did that toxicity have on you at the time?
What impact does it have on you today?
Consider the supportive functions listed in the attached activity. Write down them names of the
people who provide this type of support to you.
When you have completed the review, assess what type of support is missing in your life and add
that area to a mentoring need.
Consider the supportive functions listed. Write down the names of the people who provide this
type of support to you.
When you have completed the review, assess what type of support is missing in your life and add
that area to a mentoring need.
______________________
Intimacy: People who provide you with closeness, ______________________
warmth, and acceptance; who allow you to express your ______________________
feelings freely and without self-consciousness; who you ______________________
trust; who are readily accessible to you. ______________________
______________________
Sharing: People who share your concerns because they ______________________
are in the same or similar situation; who are striving for ______________________
similar objectives; with whom you share experiences, ______________________
______________________
Self-worth: People who respect your competence; who ______________________
understand the difficulty or value of your work or ______________________
performance; who show respect; who recognize your ______________________
skills. ______________________
______________________
Assistance: People who provide tangible services or ______________________
make resources available; who dont just lend a hand but ______________________
whose assistance is not limited to time and extent of ______________________
help; who you can depend on in a crisis. ______________________
______________________
Guidance: People who provide you with advice and ______________________
methods to solve problems; who mobilize you to take ______________________
steps toward solving problems, achieving goals, and ______________________
taking action. ______________________
______________________
Challenge: People who make you think; who make you ______________________
explain; who question your reasoning; who challenge you ______________________
to grow. ______________________
______________________
*Adapted from Herman, S. J. (1978). Becoming assertive: A guide for nurses. New York: D. Van
Nostrand, Publishers.
Have any of the activities in Section IV suggested any other needs you
may have for mentoring? Enter those needs on the first pages of your
journal.
As you look at the list of mentoring needs on the first pages of your
journal, brainstorm at least three names of people that could mentor you
in that area. Each area may have different names attached, but you may
also see a recurring name as you look at the big picture of YOU. As you
brainstorm potential names, think about people in the academic
atmosphereincluding faculty, students and administrators. Think about
your familymaybe a parent, an aunt or uncle, sibling, or family friend.
Consider other circles of people that are available to you in your Church
community, volunteer life, organizations you belong to. In listing the
names, write down people who practice the skill you wish to develop,
people you admire and trust who may or may not have the desired skill,
but may be able to refer you or make an introduction of you to a qualified
person. KON headquarters may also be able to refer you to as persons
who possess the desired skills AND are willing to serve as mentors. As
far as passive mentoring, are there organizations or volunteer
opportunities that you could be affiliated with that would likely offer you
opportunity to develop the desired skills?
Have you been faithfully asking yourself the morning and evening
empowerment questions? Remember, they will help you notice how you
are in the world, but they will also help you see your life in a positive light
and reduce your stress level!
Have you been using your support group of three to keep you
accountable to this process? What do you need from them to complete
the next section of this course?
Look over your accumulated list of mentoring needs in the first pages of
your journal. Identify your top five needs on the list. How do you make this
selection?
Think about your self-criticismwhat areas do you always beat yourself up about? For example,
I wouldnt b e in this crisis if I was a b etter time manager. Why do I always get myself in
situations like this? What are you tired of hearing from yourself?
Listen to the feedback you get from others. For example: If you had used a more diplomatic
approach, you might have gotten more information. Speak up, I cant hear you. I dont
understand what you are trying to say here. Is there a frequent message you receive from others
that should be addressed at this time?
What does your overall visionscape require of you? To get you to the next level of your career, what
do you need to do, learn, experience?
Print and complete this worksheet to develop your plan. Use one table for each of your five
prioritized needs.
Need
Goal
What is your
vision?
Best Type of
Mentor for this
need
Traditional, Step-Ahead,
Power Level
Desired
Willingness &
Ab ility
Assessment
Alternative
Resources to
consider
Books, tapes,
self-reflection,
self-managed
Desired Action
Plan
If you have completed the exercises in this self-contained course, you should now have a plan of
action to pursue. Yet you still have to make the calls and ask for mentoring assistance from the
appropriate parties. Taking this action may be a developmental challenge for you as well! (If so,
put it on your list!) This even has a name--call reluctance. Call reluctance is the fear that takes
hold that prevents you from picking up the phone and asserting yourself to get what you need.
Many factors contribute to call reluctance, but lets approach the issue from the state of ego
perspective.
Early in life, you may have learned that it is not okay to (Richo, 1991, p. 22):
These beliefs are injunctions against having power in relationships. To the extent that we
internalize these beliefs, we disable ourselves and limit our own capacities to overcome
developmental challenges and get what we need in life. If you have learned these lessons, you
will likely act out of a fear state of ego, rather than a healthy state of ego.
Fear gives your power away and holds you in a passive state. That passivity contributes to these
behaviors (Richo, 1991):
Refusing to express feelings, act, or decide because of what MIGHT happen to you. (The
worst that that really could happen is that the person you ask to mentor you could say no.
Thats an honest response. Clarify why the answer is no and understand that the response is
due to the other person honoring their own b oundariesa skill you may personally need to
develop! Then move on and ask your next b est candidate for mentoring.)
Making excuses for others hurtful behavior and not dealing with them about it.
Over-politeness: always putting others first or letting them take your turn or disturb you
without your speaking up.
Acting from a sense of obligation (a form of fear).
Smoothing over situations so that the real feelings do not emerge (from yourself or others)
Over-commitment: doing too much for too long for too little thanks, and when even more is
asked of you, doing it dutifully.
Not registering your recoil from biased remarks or jokes.
Abandoning yourself by assessing abuse of you from the past or present as justified or
understandable.
Avoiding decisive action by coping with an unsatisfactory situation or relationship or hoping
it might change. WHAT WE ARE NOT CHANGING, WE ARE CHOOSING!
Here is how a healthy ego will operate (Richo, 1991, pp. 26-28):
1. Be clear. Say yes when you mean yes, no when you mean no, and maybe when you mean
maybe. (Note that assertiveness means being clear, not necessarily sure.) Show your feelings,
choices, and agenda openly. Check out your fantasies, doubts, fears, and intuitions with those
whom they concern. Tell people it is not acceptable for them to judge, hurt, or blame you.
2. Ask for what you want. Clarify the emotional content of messages from others. Acknowledge
your feelings in the interaction, and assess what you need from the other personNurturance?
Appreciation? Constructive criticism? Or did you intend to simply vent and just need a listener?
3. Take responsibility. Accept anothers right to make assertions to you. Clarify with the other
about their feelings toward you. Acknowledge your feelings. Finish your emotional unfinished
business directly with the people involved or in your own therapy. Admit your mistakes, oversights,
and offenses, and make amends.
Which of these perspectives sounds more like you? If the healthy ego is not your current mode of
operation, print this section of the course, and carry these three steps with you and begin
practicing the three steps. Even if you dont feel like it! When you practice as if you are an
assertive person, your brain will take the cue and begin to believe the as if reality! In fact, this
concept can be used to turn around any negative belief you hold about yourself. The key to
convincing your brain of a new positive reality is repetition and consistency. Using affirmations
like those that follow, on a repeated basis, COMBINED WITH blocking out negative self-talk, can
literally change your perceived reality:
As you pursue the relationships, there are certain responsibilities you must honor in the
relationship:
Be totally dedicated
Assess your own individual needs
Construct a Goal-Setting Plan
Take the initiative in skill development
Be proactive in your career development
Actively participate in the mentoring relationship
Take full advantage of the training and assistance offered
Accept and follow through on the mentors advice
Employ the rules of confidentiality
Develop and utilize the skill of professionalism in the relationship.
1. Be on time. Being late for an appointment is inconsiderate and shows lack of organization,
respect and self-management. If a conflict should occur and you cannot b e present or will b e late,
call as soon as possib le, and reschedule at a mutually agreeab le time.
2. Accept your mentors advice. If you disagree with what you are hearing, ask questions and
share your reluctance to complete the activity. You may simply need clarification of the
assignment, or may b e missing a vital piece of information. Keep the communication honest and
open at all times.
3. Be honest. Share your concerns, fears, and failures, as well as joys and successes. Your
mentor needs to know all sides of you in order to help you grow. So b e authentic in your sharing.
4. Maintain your journal throughout the experience. Share relevant journal entries, particularly
some of the activities completed in this first course. These entries will help your mentor get the b ig
picture of YOU and demonstrate your sincerity and commitment to the mentoring relationship.
5. Inform your mentor of relevant training and employment experience. Your mentor doesnt
want to waste your time and energy b y b eing redundant. Openly share how you are receiving the
input that is b eing offered.
6. Ask clarifying questions, and then listen carefully. If you need additional information, or dont
know how, to start a project, or dont understand why a task would b e useful to you, ask questions.
Your mentor wants to help you b ut cannot read your mind! You are the only one who knows how
much information you need to understand fully. Clarifying expectations shows initiative, interest,
and commitment.
Conclusion
As you take charge of your own mentoring, you will need to do an occasional review and update of
your action plan. In addition minor and major life crises and unusual opportunities will signal the
need to review and update your plan. Self-mentoring also requires evaluation of progress in
managing your own personal and professional development.
Completing the activities in this course will give you tools to take hold of your life and direct toward
what you want it to be. Once you complete your action plan for your top five priorities, then come
back to the list of mentoring needs and walk through the planning process once again, including
assessing your current situation, brainstorming for appropriate mentors, setting goals and action
plans. You may wish to revisit this site to assist you through that re-evaluation and process.
By choosing the mentor relationships that fit your style and developmental stage, you will
enhance the quality and vitality of your mentoring mosaic. As you become more competent in
managing your own mentoring, perhaps you will feel confident in assuming a mentoring role for
others. In this way you can actualize the professional role by overtly displaying the characteristics
that positively represent the standards of your profession and a commitment to advancing the
profession.
References
Cameron, J. (1996). The vein of gold. New York: Tarcher/Putnam.
Darling, L.W., & Schatz, P.E. (1991, August). Mentoring self-management workshop for
Kappa Omicron Nu Conclave.
Gelb, M. J. (1998). How to think like Leonardo Da Vinci. New York: Delacorte Press.
Herman, S.J. (1978). Becoming assertive: A guide for nurses. New York: D. Van
Nostrand.
Mitstifer, D. I., Wenberg, B. G., & Schatz, P. E. (1992). Mentoring: The human touch. East
Lansing, MI: Kappa Omicron Nu.
Robbins, A. (1991). Awaken the giant within. New York:Simon & Schuster.
Strohmeier, S. O., Bonnstetter, B., & Wentworth Drahosz, K. (1993). Mentoring for
success. Scottsdale, AZ: Target Training, Intl.