Lyndsey Burns 9/21/2015

Politeness in a College Dorm

This past weekend, I went to visit my friends on their college campus. All of them live

together in an apartment style dorm, and they had invited me to stay with them for the weekend.

The apartment consists of two bedrooms, each with two beds, a full kitchen, and a living room.

Our plans included driving to Boston for dinner on Friday night, followed by attending the

schools homecoming events on Saturday. Before arriving to campus on Friday night, I was well

aware of the different personalities of the four girls I was going to be staying with, as well as

their living styles, so I wasnt sure what to expect when I walked into their apartment.

When I first entered the apartment, I immediately noticed the clear distinction between

each persons items; for example, in the kitchen, there were four separate stacks of plates and

silverware. This told me that the four girls were not sharing household items as much as I

wouldve expected because, when I lived in a dorm last year, we shared as many everyday

household items as possible. When I asked my friend why the apartment seemed as if all of them

were trying to live separate from one another, she informed me that three of them had wanted to

share common items to save space and money, but their fourth roommate refused to do so and

insisted they all use only the stuff that they brought to campus. Initially, I was confused about

how one person overpowered the other three and was able to dictate how they all had to live, but,

after talking more about the situation, I realized that they decided it was easier to not say

anything further about the issue than to try to have things their way. By bringing the issue up, the

girls were protecting their negative face by not allowing somebody to dictate their living

conditions. However, by speaking up, they were threatening their positive face, as they did not

want their friend to think they were mean and against her. Because both their positive and

negative face were being threatened by the various facework strategies they attempted, they
ultimate decided not to engage in the face threatening act. As politeness theory states, positive

and negative face needs are managed in every interaction and, because my friends did not want

to damage their positive and negative face, as well as their relationship with their roommate, they

gave up their attempts at addressing the issue at hand.

Because I was aware of the different facework strategies when I learned about this

roommate conflict, I could better understand how and why certain methods of addressing the

issue did not work. According to my friends, the first attempt at solving the issue was to simply

tell the fourth roommate that it was three against one and she had to learn to share. This bald on

record strategy seemed like a good idea because it almost gave the disagreeing roommate no

choice; however, the result of this assertion was that she became offended and insisted that it was

her room just as much as it was theirs, and that she can do whatever she wants. This facework

strategy is the most direct, as it blatantly addresses the task at hand. Unfortunately, it is hard to

effectively use this strategy when, as their roommate stated, it is just as much her room as it is

theirs. The bald on record strategy may only be effective when the recipient of the statement is

willing to succumb to the task or problem at hand. In this situation, my friends roommate was

not willing to give in, and the girls were left at a stalemate.

One of the girls in the apartment attempted the going off record strategy by saying how

nice it would be if they could all get along and share their items to save money and time spent at

the grocery store. Unfortunately, this form of hinting did not work because their roommate does

not pick up on hinting or sarcasm, so the attempt was simply overlooked. Personally, I find the

going off record strategy to be somewhat useless in most situations, as it doesnt directly address

the problem and leads me to wonder how hinting around could ever be an effective form of

communication. If one of the key aspects of an interpersonal relationship is good

communication, how does hinting around the issues within the relationship allow a healthy

relationship to form?

At this moment in time, the girls in the apartment have decided not to say anything about

the issues they are having with their fourth roommate. While this is the polite way to go about

the situation and avoid further conflict, nothing has been done about solving their problems. In

my opinion, choosing not to engage in a face threatening act is a decent strategy only if the face-

threatening task being avoided is one that does not absolutely need to be addressed. In the

situation with my friends and their roommate, the face threatening act they are avoiding is simply

a disagreement over sharing supplies; this issue does not need to be solved, as each person can

carry on and live comfortably without addressing the situation. Taking everything Ive learned

about facework strategies into consideration, I agree that not engaging in a face threatening act in

this specific scenario was the best option, as the relationship between all four girls will not be

damaged any further.

 Lyndsey Burns 9/23/2015

A Fatal Affair
My freshman year of college, I was put into a group for an accounting project with two

other students. My initial thought when I learned who my group members were was that it was

going to be a group I enjoyed working with, as both of my partners seemed to excel in the class.

Going into our first group meeting, I was looking forward to speaking with both of them and

learning more about them and their goals for our project. My task attraction quickly turned into

social attraction, as we all seemed to get along, and I enjoyed their company. Specifically, one of

my partners became one of my closest friends on campus after just a couple of weeks of knowing

one another. He invited me to parties almost every weekend, which allowed me to see him in a

setting outside of the classroom. Unfortunately, my other friends on campus took an instant

dislike to him, for reasons I did not immediately understand. According to them, he was not the

right type of person for me to be associated with, and he was negatively influencing my attitude

and behavior. Most people would describe me as quiet, studious, and motivated. On the other

hand, most people describe him as obnoxious, lazy, and out of control. While he was the kid on

campus known for hosting the parties, I was the kid on campus who chose to study on Friday

nights if there was nothing better to do. While many might question why we would choose to

like one another, I think we both felt that we complemented each other.

Part of the reason I found myself attracted to this person was that he behaved differently

than most people I associated myself with, and I found this difference to be a positive thing.

Furthermore, I knew that I was going to be spending a lot of time with him throughout the

semester as we completed our project, so I found all of the positive aspects of his behavior. What

I perceived as acceptable behavior, other perceived as inappropriate and rude. Research on self-
fulfilling prophecies enforces the idea that we view others in ways that satisfy us, whether that is

reality or not. In this case, my expectation was that he was friendly and respectful towards me

both inside and outside of our project, so that was how I perceived him. Looking back on this

relationship after learning about attraction, I can conclude that I was simply looking for reasons

to like this person as a way to maintain the relationship.

As I mentioned previously, most people describe us as complete opposites, which led to

questions about what caused us to form a relationship. I found that our differences did not

negatively impact the formation of our relationship, as we had complementary personalities and

traits. For example, I enjoyed having him around to introduce me to people and keep things

entertaining, while he enjoyed having me around to remind him that it was college and we do

have to do our homework sometimes. For the first few months everything seemed to be working

out well between us; however, as time went on, I started to realize that our differences are greater

that I had originally thought. What appeared to be differences in social lives and work ethics

turned out to be differences in deep rooted values and beliefs. What I originally liked about him

turned into the very same characteristics that led me to eventually strongly dislike him; our book

defines this scenario as fatal attraction.

It wasnt necessarily our differences that led to our relational breakup, but rather the

extent of our differing qualities. While I was well aware he was one of the top partiers on

campus, I didnt realize that for him, partying came before school work and any extracurricular

commitments. This became a huge issue between us, especially because we were supposed to be

completing a project together with our other team member. As the end of the semester came

around, my other partner and I realized that he had contributed almost nothing to our project.

Academic performance is something that I value greatly, and it was difficult, if not impossible, to
be involved with somebody who could not care less about it. Furthermore, our contradicting

personalities became an issue of differing values as well. I had mistakenly viewed him as

confident and outgoing when he was a narcissist. After learning about the concept of fatal

attraction, I can see that the term applies perfectly to my situation. In my opinion, having

opposite personalities or traits does not mean that the relationship will fail, so long as the two

people involved respect one another and accept these differences. Unfortunately, I could not

bring myself to accept his priorities and his values, and I eventually decided that this relationship

was not one I was interested in continuing. In my current relationships, I am more careful in

evaluating the extent of certain qualities in the other person, as well as in comparing them to

myself.
 Lyndsey Burns 10/5/2015

The Ups and Downs of a Relationship

My friend had recently gone through a breakup with a guy she had been dating for

over a year. I am close with both her and her ex, and I was having a hard time understanding

what had caused such a decline in what had once been a seemingly perfect relationship. The

two attend the university I transferred from, so I havent been around much over the past year to

get a firsthand account of how much things have changed. Without being there, all I knew was

that she had decided to double major and was overloaded with school work, in addition to an on-

campus job, while he had joined a fraternity and was spending most of his time pledging. I went

back to visit my friend this past weekend, and she was able to further explain the multiple

turning points that ultimately lead to their break-up, both on a relationship level and a friendship

level. Furthermore, I was able to see the difference in the boys behavior and personality,

allowing me to understand the changes that altered the relationship, as they have also impacted

my friendship with him.

The first, and arguably the biggest issue in the relationship was that the actual

communication between them changed; it went from consistent and adequate to lacking both in

depth and in frequency. Not only was it hard for them to find time to talk to and see one another,

but when they did, he was very standoffish and appeared uninterested in the interaction. When I

asked about his behavior, he insisted that my friend had done nothing wrong, but he was too

physically and mentally exhausted to have any type of serious conversation. This combination of

miscommunication and lack of communication caused a negative turning point in this

relationship. Furthermore, I learned that he had failed to give my friend a birthday present last

month, and even failed to acknowledge the fact that it was her birthday. My friends birthday is a
special occasion that she had wanted to spend with him, and the absence of sharing this day with

her boyfriend caused a further decline in the status of their relationship. To him, missing her

birthday was not a big deal and he would just make up for it when he had more time, while, to

her, skipping her birthday showed how unimportant their relationship was in his life at the

moment. Using this as an example, I find that the turning point approach does a good job at

showing how the little things to some people can have a big effect on other people.

In addition to communication-based and special occasion turning points, the one that I

find most interesting to examine is the turning point related to change in social networks. When I

first learned about this approach, I wasnt sure how significant this turning point could be to a

relationship, as it should be between the two people rather than between everybody they

associate themselves with. Unfortunately, social networks proved to be detrimental in this

situation. The fraternity my friends boyfriend was pledging was, without question, the worst

fraternity on campus in terms of hazing, substance abuse, treatment of females, and any other

aspect you can think of. Joining this fraternity not only changed his dominant social network, but

also altered his behavior and personality to match that of his new brothers. His newfound image

was something my friend was not willing to accept, nor were his new friends people she would

ever want to be associated with. Furthermore, being in a fraternity automatically extends your

social network to include the sororities on campus, which caused an ever greater conflict in this

relationship, as the majority of his attention was given to these girls rather than to his girlfriend.

Being a pledge, some of this may have been out of his control because he is required to do what

the fraternity brothers say; however, regardless of the circumstance, this situation exemplifies

how severely social networks and external influences can change the dynamics of a relationship.
 What I find especially interesting about this relationship is that, while most examples we

read regarding the turning point approach involve a series of positive and negative occurrences

that change the relationship, this one appears to be a series of negatives with very few positives

mixed in. The turning point approach shows a nonlinear relationship development that has its

best moments and its worst moments. If one were to illustrate this relationship on a graph, it

would look more like a single triangle rather than a series of hills; this shape reflects both the

idea of a linear development and a nonlinear development in relationships. What I mean by that

is, for the first year of the relationship, my friend would say that things only improved in their

relationship, while the last couple of months was a steady decline with a couple of minor positive

moments. The first year displays a linear development, as the stage model shows, while the end

of the relationship is what really shows the nonlinear developmental path that the turning point

approach describes.
 Lyndsey Burns 10/8/2015

Avoiding the Subject

Having a family member battle alcoholism had been something I and the rest of

my family dealt with for years. The issue was not only the fact that alcoholism was present in

our household, but also in the strange behaviors it caused, as well as the topic avoidance. My

father refused to talk about his problems with substance abuse, and usually denied doing any of

it. Of course, my family learned the signs and behaviors he exhibited when he was under the

influence, so it was hard for him to lie his way out of anything. His secret keeping and topic

avoidance became so difficult to deal with that I felt that I no longer had a relationship with my

father; he was somebody that lived in the same house as me and spoke to me once in a while.

Currently, his problem has subsided and our relationship has been partially repaired, but there are

still some moments where I feel that there are still secrets being kept from me and other

members of my family.

When my father first signs of abuse began to show twelve years ago, I was too young to

realize exactly what was going on, and I concluded that my dad was just weird. My mother

found out how bad my fathers substance abuse had gotten after she found cases of empty beer

cans tucked away in his closet, but she did not want to share that with me and my brother, as we

were only eight and ten, respectively, at the time. Looking back on this time period and using

what I have learned from class, I see that there was a combination of individual secret keeping

and intrafamily secret keeping occurring. Regarding individual secrets, my father attempted to

keep his alcoholism to himself, but my mother found out and kept it between them, resulting in

an intrafamily secret. However, as me and my brother grew up and matured, it became clear to

us that our father had a serious problem.

 Seven years ago, I came home from school and learned that my dad was in the hospital

after suffering a series of seizures. When I asked my mom if the doctors knew what caused this

to happen, she told me that they were still trying to diagnose his illness. However, my brother,

now, fifteen years old, called me into his room and told me that he had watched a video in his

health class that focused on alcohol and other substance abuse, and many of the signs and

symptoms discussed in the video reminded him of our father. In addition, my brother had taken it

upon himself to search the house while he was home alone, and he found a stash of beer cans in

our parents bedroom closet. He made me promise not tell my mother that we knew the truth

about what was going on because she could not find out that he had looked through their room.

This intrafamily secret between me and my brother was motivated by identity management, as

my brother knew it would make him look dishonest and sneaky if he revealed what he had found.

Similarly, I think that is the same reason my father kept his secret addiction from us; growing up,

my father made sure my brother and I were on top of our school work, getting good grades, and

performing well on our sports teams. It would appear extremely hypocritical for somebody who

put so much pressure on their children to do everything right to reveal that he has an addiction

that it ruining his physical and mental health. Regarding the information my mother withheld

from us, I believe she had an information-based motive; as far as she was concerned my brother

and I probably would not have fully understood everything that was going on, and telling us that

our father was an alcoholic most likely would have caused a purely emotional reaction rather

than a logical response to the problem.

To this day, I do not agree with the way my dad handled this whole situation and,

although he is currently living a healthy, sober lifestyle, keeping that type of secret from me has

caused me to develop a lifelong trust issue with him. I understand where he was coming from
when he made the decision to keep a secret, but it caused a severe negative impact on our

relationship. As our textbook mentions, a negative consequence of keeping secrets is that it

negatively impacts the interaction with the person you are keeping the secret from. Before I

learned the truth about my fathers addiction, our interactions had become very brief, infrequent,

and awkward, as one would expect them to be if one of the interactants was hiding something.

Furthermore, I believe that the negative impact on the interactions continues after the secret has

been revealed; in my situation, while we are on better speaking and relational terms, I do not feel

that our father-daughter relationship is normal or that we have a close enough relationship to talk

about any serious issues or events in my life. The topic avoidance and secret keeping that took

place within my family shows the different ways secrets can be kept in families, as well as the

reasons and consequences of doing so.

Lyndsey Burns 10/19/2015

Obsessive Relational Intrusion

Following a fallout with a friend my senior year of high school, I felt like the kid was

around more than he was during the friendship, almost as if I could not get away from him. We

had been friends almost three years, and our fallout was sparked by my realization that he did not

want me talking to anyone else and that I needed to tell him everything that I was doing. I had no

commitment to him, but he acted as if I did and as if he had a right to be involved in everything I

did. Furthermore, he tried to develop friendships with everybody I was friends with, as well as

with my boyfriend at the time. Overall, I would say that we had a good friendship before I

realized what was going on, but it was never meant to be anything more. However, he did not

agree with me, and, rather than let both of us move on and finish high school on a good note, he

made my life as difficult as possible for nine months.

Obsessive relational intrusion occurs when somebody uses intrusive tactics to get closer

to someone else. Looking back, his intrusion became worse over time, as he became more

obsessed with me and more desperate to keep my attention on him. The worst of it began in the

summer of 2012, before we entered our last year of school. I specifically remember the day I

moved my brother into college. This was such an exciting day for my family as we watched my

brother and his new friends start the next phase of their lives. We took a family trip for a couple

of nights leading up to move in day, where we met his roommates and their families. About two

hours into the trip, I received a text message from this kid saying hi; I did not respond to him

because he knew where I was and he would know that I was busy and trying to enjoy my

weekend away. However, after checking my phone just two hours later, I had six more text

messages, three missed calls, and a voicemail. The voicemail was especially creepy, because he
told me to call him back as soon as I could because something was wrong and he needed to talk

to me. It turns out that nothing was wrong, and he was trying to argue with me over the fact that I

ignored him for three hours and that I did not care about him. I told him, as I had numerous time,

that I did care about him but I had absolutely no obligation to divulge anything about what I am

doing, nor was I required to update him every five minutes about my life. It seemed that no

matter how many times we talked about it, he kept insisting that he deserved to be involved in

my life and that one day I will realize that. This implied to me that he had no intentions of

leaving me alone because he deserved a chance with me; it was this day that I realized that I was

involved in a bad situation, and that I needed to get this kid away from me if I was going to have

a normal life at my high school.

Relational goal pursuit theory explains that people try to develop and re-initiate

relationships to the extent that they are desirable or attainable. In my case, as in most cases

involving obsessive relational intrusion, the kid bothering me had a false sense that a romantic

relationship was attainable when it was not. My first attempt at getting him out of my life was to

try to avoid him as much as I could, mostly by changing the route I used to get between classes

and refusing to answer his calls and texts. This avoidant strategy was not successful, and actually

made my situation a lot worse. Because he couldnt find me between classes due to my new

route, he began driving a different way to school to make sure that he had to drive by my street,

and he was parking as close to me as possible in the school parking lot. My first instinct was to

call him out on it and threaten to take action if he kept bothering me, but I was honestly afraid to

even approach him because of his psychotic behaviors. Ultimately, I had to seek the help of our

school guidance office and town police. Help seeking turned out to be the approach that worked

most in my favor, as they contacted his parents regarding his reckless behavior, assigned him a
location in the parking lot that he had to park in, and they ensured that our class schedules did

not intersect and that all of our teachers were aware of the situation.

Before learning about obsessive relational intrusion in class, I never thought deeply about

what was happening, or about the fact that I was essentially being stalked. One thing that I find

critical about understanding this concept is to be able to identify the boundaries in a relationship

and determine when somebody has taken things too far in terms of their intrusion on your life.

One thing Ive learned from this experience and from class is that obsessive relational behaviors

are not something the victim can be blamed for, it is an issue within the person committing this

type of behavior. Of course, he twisted the story around and tried to place the blame on me once

our friendship officially ended; however, there was nothing I feel I could have done differently in

the way I went about my friendship with this kid, or in the measures I took to get him to leave

me alone.
Lyndsey Burns 10/20/2015

Can I Do Better?

My friend Chloe was in a relationship for almost three years with a guy she had met in

high school. I met her my freshman year of college, and by that point, they had been together for

almost two years, and she told me that she planned on marrying him by the time she graduated. I

thought this was a bold statement, because we had just moved into college and we were about to

meet hundreds of new people and gain a fresh perspective on life. Furthermore, upon meeting

this guy a few weeks into the semester, I found that he was arrogant, clingy, and controlling of

my friend, so I could not understand why anybody would settle on marrying somebody like this

at such a young age. On Christmas day of our sophomore year last year, the two got engaged and

immediately set their wedding date for the following summer. However, just three months later,

Chloe broke up with him because she said she was starting to see what else was out there and

that she didnt think he was right for her anymore.

Interdependence theory states that relational partners become interdependent through

communication and the exchange of resources, and that we are motivated to be in these

relationships if they provide us with high levels of rewards and low levels of costs. In other

words, if the costs outweigh the benefits, we will stay in the relationship. In this situation,

however, it always seemed that Chloe had more complaints about her boyfriend than praise,

which confused all of us because, while she complained, she still insisted he was perfect for her.

It was emotionally draining for her to be in this relationship, as he was always pointing out her

flaws and telling her the things he did not like about her. The largest cost of being with him was

the opportunity cost, as she would not have the freedom to choose where she works after

graduation, as he would be enlisting immediately after graduation; this meant that, if Chloe
followed through and stayed with him, she would be moving to and working wherever he was

stationed. She also could not enjoy the full four years of college, as her boyfriend was a year

older than her and insisted that she develop a plan that would allow her to graduate in three years

with him. After studying this theory, I see that relationships are not solely based on this

examination of costs versus rewards, but they also consider the individuals expectations and

alternatives.

Another component of interdependence theory is comparison level, which is based on

your expectations for the outcome of the relationship rather than the actual outcome. In other

words, these are your standards for how rewarding or costly you expect the relationship to be. In

Chloes situation, she revealed that she didnt expect too much from her boyfriend, as her first

impression of him was that he was a jerk. Going into this relationship, she basically expected the

costs to outweigh the rewards and, therefore, the actual outcome of her relationship was higher

than her comparison level, explaining why she decided to stay with him. She was expecting a

more negative outcome than she actually was experiencing, as he offered some positive qualities

she did not expect. This portion of the theory offers some important insight into a lot of our

relationship decisions because, from what I have seen and experienced, we sometimes stay in

friendships or relationships that seem to bring more negative experiences than positive ones; for

example, some couples seem like they are fighting significantly more than they are getting along

and enjoying each others company, which may be highly influenced by their comparison level.

The final component of interdependence theory is the quality of alternatives, which refers

to the expectations that people have about the alternatives they could have in another relational

situation. This factor is the reason that Chloe ultimately decided to end her engagement. As part

of her participation in the Micro-Finance group on campus, she had to complete several group
projects, which allowed her to meet other people. One of the other people in the group turned out

to be somebody who provided Chloe with the chance to see that there were better alternatives out

there, as he showed her that there are guys out there who will treat her with the respect she

deserves and accepts her for who she is. Furthermore, she now has the opportunity to do what

she wants to do after college and where she would like to live. Although she is still graduating

early, she has now been able to accept a job with a major consulting firm in Boston beginning

next fall, which is something that would have been impossible if she had married her ex-fianc,

who will not be stationed anywhere near Boston. Overall, all components of interdependence

theory can be applied to this relationship, as the costs outweighed the rewards, but she remained

in the relationship because this negative outcome was greater than her comparison level, until

she encountered an alternative relationship of higher quality.

Lyndsey Burns 11/01/2015

Request Strategies

Working behind a counter at bakery means that I have to communicate with hundreds of

people each shift, which provides me the opportunity to experience the many different types of

personalities out there. Some customers come into the store knowing exactly what they want,

others know what they want and wont directly tell me, and then there are some people who

dont seem to know what type of business they just walked into. With these different types of

people come different strategies for obtaining what they want; considering the request strategies

we learned about in class, I have experienced the Foot in the Door and the Door in the Face

techniques when working behind the counter.

The foot in the door technique is one in which somebody initially asks for a small request

and then eventually asks for a much larger request. This technique is based off of the idea that

people are more likely to agree to the larger request if they agree to the smaller ones first. When

learning about this request strategy, the first thing that came to my mind was the process of

completing a custom cake order for a customer. The way my bakery goes about cake orders is

different than most would think; rather than allow each customer to design their own cake from

scratch, we have a book of custom cakes created by our decorators that customers can choose

from. The typical customer, understandably, does not want their cake to match the exact picture

we have provided. To get what they want, they start off by asking for small changes to the

premade design, such as changing the cake size and the frosting colors. Because these small

requests are reasonable and can easily be accommodated by our pastry chefs, those of us taking

the order agree to the changes. However, more often than not, after we write down these minor

changes, the customer will ask us to do something much greater, such as alter the actual drawing
on the cake or add on a tricky design. Asking for the larger request after we agree to small

requests actually does make a difference in whether or not we will accommodate them, as we

figure that since the decorators have already agreed to change some small things about this cake

design, they might as well keep going and add on something more difficult. On the other hand, if

a customer comes into the store and immediately asks for a cake unlike anything we offer in our

books, we are more likely to turn them away because we are told to stick with the designs

provided. The foot in the door technique is one that I see every day and am most likely to use

when requesting something from somebody.

On the other hand, the door in the face in the technique is the opposite of the foot in the

door technique. It involves asking for an extreme request, and then asking for a smaller request,

assuming that the initial one was rejected. People are more likely to agree to a small request if

they were previously asked to do something much greater; one reason for this is because, if

somebody is altering their request to something more reasonable, the target of the request will

reciprocate and be more reasonable and accept the smaller request. At work, this technique is not

something I usually have to face, as these types of requests are typically handled by upper

management because of the initial extremity of the request. However, I have witnessed this type

of strategy multiple times, and I can see how this strategy also works. One example that comes to

mind is a specific customer who wanted a massive order of customized cookies and cupcakes.

The issue was not that we cannot handle large orders, the issue was that she needed the order

done in less than forty eight hours. When the customer was told that two days was not enough

notice, and that we ask for at least seven days, she began lessening her request to see what she

could get away with. First, she tried to eliminate cupcakes from her order and just get the

customized cookies; this failed because, as the manager had already pointed out, it was not
enough notice. However, after several minutes of bickering, she asked if we could give her a

large order of cookies and cupcakes that we always keep in-store. While the order was still

exceptionally large and not one we typically can fill on such short notice, our manager agreed to

do it. Because the customer was willing to lessen her request to something much simpler, our

manager felt obligated to comply with this request.

While the Foot in the Door and the Door in the Face request strategies are opposite

tactics, they both have merit and can work in similar situations, as I see at work every day.

Learning about these strategies helps me better understand why people behave the way they do

and, similarly, why we respond the way we do when presented with a request. Personally, I find

the Door in the Face technique to be less favorable because approaching someone with a huge

request as opposed to starting with a minor one seems forceful and more likely to backfire. I

think that using the Foot in the Door technique is a better approach because, if the larger request

fails, at least the minor ones originally presented will likely be granted and you can receive some

benefit out of it.

Lyndsey Burns 11/3/2015

Increasing and Decreasing Uncertainty

I recently ended a friendship with somebody I had known for several years. We lived in

the same dorm our freshman year of college, and ended up having a lot of friends in common.

Because of this, we saw each other almost every day and, as time passed, we got to know each

other pretty well and developed a close friendship. Because it was a cross-sex friendship, there

were always certain topics I avoided, as there were some things I did not want to know or discuss

with him. Unfortunately, I felt that the more we got to know each other, the more uncertain I was

about our friendship and whether I even wanted him in my life or not.

Uncertainty Reduction Theory is based off of the idea that the main goal in initial

encounters is gathering information about the other person to get to know them better, and to

ultimately reduce uncertainty. It is also based off of the assumption that people communicate to

decrease uncertainty because, in general, we dislike it. However, this theory has been challenged,

as some researchers dont believe that we always want to reduce uncertainty; there are times

when we may prefer uncertainty. Similarly, it has also been argued that some information

actually increases uncertainty rather than reduces it. In my situation, I found that learning too

much about my friend was what caused me to question our friendship. I would have preferred

not to have learned some information about him, as it only increased my feelings of uncertainty

rather than decreased them.

According to our textbook, there are six main uncertainty-increasing behaviors;

competing relationships, unexplained loss of contact or closeness, sexual behavior, deception,

change in personality or value, and betraying confidence. Of these six categories, I experienced
betraying confidence, unexplained loss of closeness, and changes in personality and values. With

regards to betraying confidence, I found out that my friend was discussing my personal life with

others behind my back. While nothing harmful was divulged, I was confused about what his

motive behind doing this was, and it made me question how much I could trust him with

anything. The unexplained loss of closeness began gradually and eventually got to the point

where we hardly spoke at all during a given week; this was noticeable because I used to talk to

him every day. I can see why this is considered an uncertainty increasing behavior, as there was

no reason for us to stop talking frequently, it just happened with no explanation. This, in addition

to the betrayal of confidence, made it almost impossible for me to predict his behavior and

attitude towards me. While the theory argues that we seek out information to decrease

uncertainty, I agree with the conflicting research that shows that information sometimes

increases uncertainty.

Of the six uncertainty-increasing behaviors mentioned in the book, the one that had the

biggest impact on my uncertainty levels was the change in personality and values. My friend

seemed to be having an identity crisis and he began trying to change his image. However, with

this new image came new views and values that I highly disagreed with; for example, he made

several racist and sexist comments that completely changed the way I viewed him. He developed

an opposite personality in a matter of weeks, which, at first, increased my level of uncertainty

because it made it hard to predict what he was going to do or say. However, I now feel as if his

change in personality actually reduced my level of uncertainty, as it let me see what he is really

like. Rather than make me question the friendship, the fact that he was making derogatory

comments tells me that he is not the type of person I want to associate myself with.
 I dont agree with the identification of these six behaviors as uncertainty-increasing

behaviors, but rather as behaviors that alter uncertainty, as I experienced both increases and

decreases in uncertainty due to these behaviors. Furthermore, I dont agree with the main

assumption behind Uncertainty Reduction Theory because I can think of many instances where

we may not want to decrease our uncertainty. Some information about people is better left

undiscovered and can be more harmful to the relationship if it disclosed. Uncertainty Reduction

Theory has merit to it in the sense that we do gather information about people to get to know

them better, but the ultimate goal does not always have to be to reduce uncertainty.
Lyndsey Burns 11/15/2015

Conflict Styles

In my family, we do not experience frequent conflict but, when we do, it escalates

quickly and becomes difficult to solve. The most recent conflict has been over my opportunity to

relocate to Florida in January 2016 to participate in an internship in Disney World with several

of my friends. Between my mother, father, and brother, nobody supported me making this big

change. However, the way we all handled it was unique. Because I was planning on moving at

the time of this conflict, I needed to win the argument with my family and, having a type D

conflict style, I wasnt going to take no for an answer. This lead to issues mainly with my father,

who also has a type D conflict style, as well as to minor disagreements with my mother and

brother, who exhibit type E and type B, respectively.

Having a type D conflict style means that I am a competitive fighter. When I am involved

in conflict, I always need to win the argument, and I will say almost anything to achieve that. I

approached the issue of moving to my mother first, because she is usually the easiest person to

beat at an argument. I could tell by her facial expression that she did not like my idea but, rather

than shoot it down completely, she told me we could probably work something out. My mother

is a compromiser, and she prefers to settle conflict by finding the middle ground. In this case, she

proposed that, rather than relocate to Florida, I should stay at Bryant and take an extended trip

down there over the summer. That way, my parents would get what they wanted regarding my

status at school, while I would still have the opportunity to spend a few weeks in Florida with my

friends. The problem with this suggestion was that it was not what I had planned for my future; I

did not want to go on vacation, I wanted to give up my job and education here in New England

and relocate there and start over with the internship and a new school. I attempted to explain this
to her, and, when she kept reverting back to her compromise, I began accusing her of holding me

back just because she didnt want me to move out. I told her that, as usual, she wasnt thinking

logically like me, she was only thinking with her emotions. My mother has dealt with guilt from

her mother over moving away after she got married, and I felt as if she was putting this same

guilt on me. After studying conflict styles in class, I understand better why we reacted to this

conflict is such different ways. These accusations and personal criticisms are characteristic of my

conflict style, while her attempt at finding a middle ground is characteristic of her conflict style.

When my brother learned about my plan, he simply shook his head and walked away. We

havent talked about it since. Being avoidant, my brother tends to pretend that there is no

conflict, so there is no argument to be had.

When I finally approached my father with the subject, I began by logically explaining the

situation and why I thought that it would be the best option for me. However, he had different

ideas about what was best for me; my belief that relocating, completing my internship, and

finishing school late was the best choice for me opposed his belief that I need to finish school as

planned and remain here in New England. Once again, I became defensive and told him to stop

preventing me from doing what I want with my life because I am an adult and can make my own

choices. Because we handle conflict in the same way, he too became defensive and criticized me

for trying to escape my problems here and run off to Florida with my friends. He then proceeded

to talk down about Florida and the internship I would be participating in and threatened to cut off

my financial support if I moved. I knew why he was threatening me; I had already disappointed

him once by transferring from his alma mater to come to Bryant. And now, if I changed my

education plan a third time, the only option that would satisfy him would be for me to return to

Bentley, which, in my mind, was the last thing I would do. When I expressed these feelings to
him, he reciprocated my criticism by attacking my career plans, as they were not up to his

standards. Because we are both competitive, we continued to retaliate against one another,

leading to unproductive fighting. Unfortunately, this argument went on for much longer as we

went back and forth about why the other person was wrong. We still have not resolved the

tension that resulted from this conflict, as neither of us ever actually won the argument.

Learning about the different conflict styles has helped me understand why we react the

way we do. Mainly, it has helped me see why it is difficult, if not impossible for my father and I

to work through conflict, as neither of us want to admit we lost. While one could argue that my

father won this argument because I have decided not to move in the upcoming months, I would

say that he did not win, as my decision had nothing to do with any of the points he brought up to

me. My decision was based on my long-term goals, both personal and work-oriented, as well as

my upcoming course schedule, which will give me a four day weekend to travel down to Florida

occasionally if I decide to do so. Regarding my decision, my mother has accepted it as a middle

ground, while my brother still does not say much, which goes along with their conflict styles.
Lyndsey Burns 11/18/2015

Forgiveness

When two of my roommates sophomore year betrayed my trust, it was difficult for me to

even consider forgiving them initially. I had confided in them about an incident my boyfriend

has been involved in with the fraternity he was pledging, and they had promised not to speak up

about it. However, I learned that the police at his school had been notified about the incident, and

that the report that was filed included direct quotes from text messages he had sent me. Because I

had only told two people, and I was not the one to notify the police, I knew one of them had gone

behind my back. When I confronted them separately about it, they both admitted that they were

involved. However, their responses to my confrontation were very different, as were the remedial

strategies they used when trying to resolve the issue.

Forgiveness is a critical component of interpersonal relationships that involves a

motivational change to end negative emotions and prevent retaliation and relationship

termination. Factors that influence our likelihood to forgive are the remedial strategies used, the

quality of the relationship, the seriousness of the transgression, and the relational history.

Relational history did not play a huge part in whether or not I forgave my roommates, as I had

only known both of them for a couple of months and there had been no previous issues. On the

other hand, I would consider this event a serious transgression, as they not only betrayed my

trust, but they caused temporary tension between me and my boyfriend, as I betrayed his trust by

telling them about his incident in the first place. Furthermore, they caused more problems for

him, as his fraternity was placed on probation, with several of his brothers being formally

charged by the school as a result of their actions. Lastly, regarding the quality of the relationship,

I had definitely formed a closer bond with one of them, and I found myself more willing to listen
and talk to her about what she had done. This friend also used more effective remedial strategies

when asking for my forgiveness

When I initially approached my friend with this issue, she was quick to try to justify her

actions by saying that the two of them believed my boyfriend was in real danger and if I wasnt

going to do anything about it, then they would. In a way, I saw where she was coming from, but

the reason I could not do anything about it was because he had sworn me to secrecy, and him and

I had both been threatened by the fraternity if I got them in trouble. However, because they

quoted my boyfriend directly, and because the kids at his school did not know my roommates,

they werent able to make a connection between them and the police report, and I was the one

blamed. Luckily I was able to prove that I did not file the report, but I felt that my roommates put

me in a very dangerous situation. But, she also gave me a sincere apology and explained that she

did not realize just how severe the consequences could have been to my relationship and to all of

our safety. It was the combination of apologies, excuses, and justifications throughout our

discussion that made it easy to forgive her.

On the other hand, our other roommate was in denial about the situation and did not want

do discuss it. She blamed me for the entire situation, saying that I shouldnt be involved with

somebody who is part of such an awful group of people. While I can see why a friend may be

concerned my boyfriends involvement with the fraternity, that does not justify her calling the

police and turning them in against my knowledge, as the incident did not involve her in any way

and was not a reflection of my relationship in any way. The way I looked at it was that if she was

going to deny doing anything wrong and avoid the subject, then I could not forgive her and view

our friendship the same way. I also did not place enough value on our friendship to forgive as,

which separated her from my other roommate, who I felt closer too.
 After learning about forgiveness in class, I can see how much of an impact the remedial

strategies can make when deciding whether or not to forgive; I found a proper apology to be the

largest positive factor in my decision to forgive, while acts of denial and avoidance were the

most significant factors when deciding not to forgive. Based on this situation, and other

situations I have been in, I think that my most common way of communicating forgiveness is

through discussion and explicit statements. I do not tend to show nonverbal displays of

forgiveness, nor do I use conditional forgiveness because, if I forgive you, it is unconditional and

I consider the issue over and done with.

Lyndsey Burns 11/30/2015

Attachment Styles

When I was in high school, I worked at a day care after school and occasionally

volunteered at my mothers preschool. Working with children ages 2-5 introduced me to the

varying personalities and behaviors of children. What I remember being most interested in was

observing how they interact with the teachers, assistants, and other kids during the day. Some

children practically kicked their parents out of the daycare and just wanted to play with their

classmates all day, while other would throw a temper tantrum every day upon separation. Based

off of the three attachment styles discussed in class, Ive witnessed firsthand how secure and

anxious-ambivalent children behave.

At the day care, I worked in the toddler room, which consisted of kids between eighteen

months and 3 years old. For some of the younger kids in my room, this was their first experience

being away from their parents; some handled it well, others did not. I remember working in the

room when a new child came in for her first day. She had just turned two, and her parents wanted

to wait until that age to place her in day care. Surprisingly, the second she walked into the room,

she kicked for her mother to let her down and she began looking around the room. She hesitantly

looked at the lead teacher and I, but we urged her to come all the way into the room and meet the

other kids. I could tell by her mothers facial expression that she was relieved to see her daughter

feeling comfortable in her new environment, and she later shared with us that she was concerned

that they may have sheltered their daughter too much. However, the child appeared very secure

in her new environment, and she quickly warmed up to the other children and the staff.

Separating her from her mother was rather simple, she was upset at first because she was not

used to being away from her, but after a few minutes, she was comfortable again. Her lack of
anxiety over separation from her mother, combined with her comfort in a new environment with

new people exemplifies the secure attachment style. Similarly, her happiness upon her moms

return at the end of the day further shows that she is secure.

On the other hand, I witnessed a childs first day at the daycare go horribly wrong. Right

when the child and his mother walked into the building, he started screaming and clinging to his

mothers leg. The new environment, combined with seeing the new teachers and kids, scared

him. After about ten minutes, the director got him, accompanied by his mother, to explore the

whole building and the playground, which eased up his anxiety about the new environment a bit.

However, when it was time for his mother to leave for the day, he became visibly upset again.

Typically, we see children get upset for a few minutes because the separation is something they

are not used to, but this specific child remained anxious for most of the day and asking for his

mom. When she returned at the end of the day to pick him up, I could not tell exactly how he

was feeling; it seemed like his anxiety lessened significantly, but he didnt appear particularly

happy to see his mother. This mix of emotions upon being reunited with his mother is

characteristic of a child with the anxious-ambivalent attachment style; children with this style

often experience a combination of contradictory feelings in the presence of their caregiver. In

addition, the anxiety he experienced when seeing the day care for the first time goes along with

this attachment style, as anxious ambivalent children are anxious around strangers and new

environments, and often hesitate to explore them.

After learning about the attachment styles in class, it is easier for me to understand the

different types of behaviors and interactions children exhibit. When I worked at the daycare, I

was also shocked at some of the things I would see, and it always amazed me how different two

kids of the same age could be when put in the same situation. Furthermore, I now know that it is
important also to consider caregivers of these children, as they impact how they develop and

behave. I can assume that the child who displayed the secure attachment style has parents who

are attentive and consistent in caring for their daughter, while the parents with the anxious-

ambivalent child may not be as consistent, and might not pay as much attention to the childs

basic needs as they should.

Lyndsey Burns 12/2/2015

Relational Transgressions

Jealousy occurs when one person in the relationship is afraid that a third party, or a rival,

could interfere with their current relationship. In my situation, my boyfriend was threatened by a

life-long male family friend of mine that I saw occasionally. Our parents were best friends from

high school and now lived in the same area, so naturally we grew up together and became good

friends. However, there has never been anything more than a friendship, and we had a brother-

sister type of relationship along with my brother and his sister. My boyfriend and I had been

friends for three years before we began dating and he knew about this other guy the entire time,

but it was not an issue until I was in a relationship with him and he felt that I should not be that

close with another guy. At first, his jealousy was mild and subtle but, as our relationship

progressed, it became more frequent and clear that he hated my friend.

About a week into our relationship, my boyfriend began asking random questions about

my friend in an attempt to gather more information about him and about our friendship. When I

asked him why it bothered him and why he needed to know so much, he denied any feelings of

jealousy or anger and said he was just curious. This denial made me extremely uncomfortable

because, only being together for a week, it seemed like it was a bad indication of how our

relationship was going to go, as he was already avoiding an important issue between us. I also

noticed that my boyfriend would be very sarcastic when talking about my friendship with him,

almost as if he was trying to tell me that the friendship was a joke or that he believed I was lying

when I said we were strictly friends. While this behavior was childish, it was also disturbing and

made me wonder what would happen the longer I stayed in this relationship while

simultaneously hanging out with my other friend.

 A few months into the relationship, things seemed to have calmed down regarding his

anger and jealousy. However, one night I caught him using my computer and reading through

my Facebook messages and emails; he refused to give me a direct reason for why he was doing

that, but I knew he was looking for any conversation between me and my friend. After that night,

I had to be very careful about where I kept my cell phone and my lap top because I was afraid

that he would keep searching through my private messages. Because of this, I broke up with him,

as it was way too stressful to be constantly worried that somebody is watching your every move.

I thought this was the end of it, until I was driving home one night and I saw a car sitting idly in

my neighborhood. There was a light on, so as I got closer, I realized it was him in the car; he was

waiting to see if I had gone out that weekend, and to see if anybody was with me. I was shocked

that my ex-boyfriend would take his jealousy to such a creepy level, and I knew breaking up with

him wasnt the solution. Once I was in my house, my dad went out and caught him before he

could drive off to see what he was doing near our property, to which he lied and said he was

supposed to hang out with me later that night and was waiting to pick me up. It was that night I

realized that I was being stalked, and probably more often than I ever would have guessed.

The next day at school, I met with our schools guidance office and school officer to see

what they could do as far as me having to be in classes with him; the officer ended up placing a

no-contact order on the kid and he was forced to change his class schedule. The order was not

immediately effective until the end of that week, so I had to deal with him one last time that

night. He approached me at my locker and threatened to kill my friend if he ever found out we

were more than friends. He then threatened my with words, saying that he would make the

remainder of my high school time a living hell, to which I reminded him that he had a no-
contact order and any further issues would ruin his life, not mine. That was the last of this

conflict.

As discussed in our book, there are four types of communicative responses to jealousy:

constructive, destructive, avoidant, and rival-focused. In this situation, I experienced destructive

responses due to the threats and aggressive communication, as well as avoidant responses

through his denial of jealousy. Rival-focused responses were the most prevalent in this situation,

as I was being stalked, which our book refers to as surveillance strategies; he was searching my

personal devices and spying on me. I would argue that avoidant responses are the least

damaging, as it is more frustrating to deal with than harmful when compared to the drastic

relational damage resulting from stalking and threatening.