Michael Castleman M.A.

All About Sex

Men Enjoy and Want

Foreplay
Myth: Men are fixated on intercourse. Truth: Men
enjoy foreplay and crave it.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201708/surprise-men-enjoy-
and-want-foreplay

In many sex surveys over the past 45 years, notably the

influential Hite Report (1976) one of womens chief complaints
about the way men make love is that its too rushed and too focused
on the genitals and intercourse. Many women lament that many
men plunge into intercourse well before most women feel ready. As
a result, many women believe that men see no value in foreplay,
that is, in leisurely, playful, mutual whole-body caressing.

Corroborating this, sex therapists often advise men to make more

time for foreplay, from head to toe. And based on the thousands of
sex questions Ive answered over the decades, theres no question
that many women would like more mutual sensual massage before
intercourse, and that many men underestimate the amount of
whole-body sensual play their lovers wantand needbefore they
feel ready for genital sex.

So imagine my surprise when I stumbled on two studies, one

showing that men and women pretty much agree on the amount of
foreplay they desired and engaged in, and the other showing that
when men engage in extended foreplay, they experience fewer sex
problems.

One Problem, The Term Foreplay

Before discussing these studies, I must mention that the term

foreplay is part of the problem. Foreplay implies activities before
the main event, intercourse. It implies linear lovemaking: first A,
then B, then intercourse, followed (hopefully) by orgasm, and then
sex is over.

In fact, the most satisfying lovemaking is nonlinear and deliciously

unpredictable. Intercourse is certainly part of itassuming that
lovers enjoy it and are physically capable of accomplishing it. But
theres no law that says intercourse is or should be the culmination
of lovemaking. Lovers can kiss and cuddle, then massage each
other for a while, then kiss and snuggle some more, then perhaps
enjoy some oral play, then maybe some intercourse, and after that
more massage, oral, fingering, and then maybe more massage,
culminating in orgasms that may or may not involve intercourse. In
great sex, nothing comes before anything else. As a result, I dont
use the term foreplay. I prefer loveplay or erotic touch.

Meanwhile, the large majority of men have orgasms during

intercourse, but contrary to what we see on TV and in the movies,
only a minority of women climax during the old in-out. The
consensus of more than a dozen studies chronicled in The Case of
the Female Orgasm by Elizabeth Lloyd show that only around 25
percent of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. The
clitoris, womens orgasm organ, is located outside the vagina an
inch or two above it under the top junction of the vaginal lips, and
intercourse just doesnt provide sufficient direct clitoral stimulation
for most women to come.

So foreplay is problematic. But Ill use it here because the studies

used itand most lovers do, too.

Men Want Foreplay

In the study that caught my eye, Canadian researchers asked 152

heterosexual couples how much time they engaged in foreplay and
intercourse, and how long they ideally wanted to spend in these
activities.

The women said they wanted an average of 19 minutes in

foreplay, and actually spent 11. They said they wanted 14 minutes
of intercourse, and actually spent seven.

The men said they wanted an average of 18 minutes in foreplay,

and actually spent 13. They said they wanted 19 minutes of
intercourse, and actually spent eight.

Notice how both genders expressed the same desired duration of

foreplay18 to 19 minutes. So men and women say they value
foreplay about equally.
The numbers for estimated actual time spent in foreplay diverged
more11 minutes for the women, and 13 for the men. But these
numbers are considerably closer than the
conventional wisdom would lead us to surmise, not to mention that,
compared with the women, the men claimed to spend more time in
foreplay.

Men wanted to spend more time in intercourse, 19 minutes to

womens 14. But once again, the men and women were within one
minute of each other in estimating the time they actually spend in
intercourse, seven for the women, eight for the men.

The participants were also asked how much time they thought their
lovers wanted to spend in foreplay and intercourse. The men came
fairly close to estimating how long their wives hoped to spend in the
two activities. But the women significantly underestimated how long
their husbands wanted to spend.

What can we make of all this? Perhaps the men in this study
were lying. Maybe they didnt really value foreplay as much as they
said they did. However, this survey suggests that men are more
open to extended foreplay than most women and the conventional
wisdom give them credit for.

Meanwhile, this study contains another surprise. Considering the

number of popular songs that yearn for sex to last all night long,
these couples didnt spend much time getting it on. The women said
they wanted 19 minutes of foreplay and 14 minutes of intercourse,
with sex lasting a total of 33 minutes. The men hoped for 18
minutes of foreplay and 19 minutes of intercourse, a total of 37
minutes. A half-hour strikes me as rather brief.

Men Need Foreplay (at least Older Men)

In the other study, a University of Chicago researcher surveyed a

nationally representative sample of 1,352 men and women ages 57
to 85 who reported having partner sex in the past year. Compared
with men who routinely engaged in extended foreplay, those who
did seldom, rarely, or never did were:

2.4 times more likely to report erection problems.

2.2 times more likely to suffer problems with arousal, ejaculation,

and orgasm.

5 times more likely to report sex that was not pleasurable.

Meanwhile:

As duration of foreplay increased, so did both mens and womens

relationship satisfaction.

And as foreplay increased, women reported fewer sex problems.

Now, foreplay may not be as important to younger men, few of

whom report difficulties with arousal, erection, ejaculation, and
orgasm. But young men are interested in their own sexual
satisfaction and in their loversand foreplay substantial improved
the quality of sex and both genders sexual satisfaction.

More Foreplay, Enhanced Sex

No doubt many women still wish that the men in their lives felt more
committed to sex based on leisurely, playful, whole-body mutual
massage that excites every square inch of the body before focusing
on the genitals.

Its long been one of my missions as a sex educator

to persuade men than if they make love the way women prefer, both
men and women enjoy sex more, suffer fewer sex problems, and
report greater sexual and relationship satisfaction. These studies
bolster that argument.

But what do you think? Do you and your lover agree on the duration
of foreplay and intercourse? Or do you find yourself longing for
more extended lovemaking? And have you noticed any connection
between foreplay and sexual satisfaction?

Reference:

Galinsky. A. Sexual Touching and Difficulties with Sexual Arousal

and Orgasm Among U.S. Older Adults, Archives of Sexual
Behavior (2012) 41:875.
Hite. S. The Hite Report: A National Study of Female Sexuality.
Originally published in 1976. Currently in print from Seven Stories
Press, NY, 2003.

Lloyd. E.A. The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of
Evolution. Harvard University Press, Cambridge, MA, 2005.

Miller, S.A. and E.S. Byers. Actual and Desired Duration of

Foreplay and Intercourse: Discordance and Misperceptions Within
Heterosexual Couples, Journal of Sex Research(2004) 41:301.