Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Jaedee! My name is Angela B. I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center
Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:
You begin your essay with a very interesting statement:

Between every sport or every athlete there is always an debate on which sport is better.

True enough, you will hear many sports-related debates once the NBA Finals and The Super Bowl are
right around the corner! This statement is sure to pique your readers interests. Good job, Jaedee!

*Jaedee 9528758 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis:
Your thesis statement contains vague information. This is a problem because your readers will not
know what youre pertaining to. Ill be quoting an example from your draft:

Almost every sport has a bad side to it but the most reason for an argument to brake out
between the sports are how they are.

According to you, all sports have downsides to them. However, you arent clear about what youre
trying to point out about sports-related arguments. What about sports-related arguments are you
trying to tell your readers? Clarify this for your readers. Also, you may read more about Developing a
Thesis in your Smarthinking Writers Handbook.

Introduction/Conclusion
The introduction is meant to present a brief summary of your main topic. This summary ensures that
your readers are prepared for the contents of your paper. However, your introduction does not provide
enough background information for your readers. This may cause them to get lost while reading
through your work. Take a look at this excerpt from your introduction:

The two sports that has the most debate on which one is better is football and basketball they
are well known to start arguments.

An introduction should include enough background material to set the tone for the discussion and
guide readers to think about the storys purpose. Think about this: some of your readers might
not even be aware that debates between the two sports exist. Therefore, you must briefly
introduce them to this since this seems to be the focus of your essay.

How fierce are the debates between the two sports? What are the common arguments or points raised
by the fans of each sport? Tell your readers more about these heated debates. Revise your
introduction accordingly.

*Jaedee 9528758 has requested that you respond to the Sentence Structure:
Some of your sentences are run-ons, Jaedee. These cause ideas to run together for the reader, and
your meaning may become lost in the shuffle. Ill be citing a sentence from your draft that contains
the said error:

The two sports that has the most debate on which one is better is football and basketball they
are well known to start arguments.
You can correct a run-on by adding a comma between two ideas to show contrast. For example:

Although football and soccer are exactly the same, Ronald says that the term soccer is
reserved for losers.

Another way is to create a compound sentence by joining two independent clauses with a comma and
a coordinating conjunction. The coordinating conjunction shows readers the relationship between the
two ideas. For example:

Football and soccer are exactly the same, but Ronald says that the term soccer is reserved
for losers.

Compound sentences can be created with a semicolon (;). This follows the structure below:

Independent Clause; Conjunctive Adverb, Independent Clause.

In order for you to clearly understand this structure, Ive created an example below:

Football and soccer are exactly the same; nevertheless, Ronald says that the term
soccer is reserved for losers.

You may also add a period between the two different independent clauses. For example:

Football and soccer are exactly the same. Nevertheless, Ronald says that the term soccer is
reserved for losers.

You may use these sentences to aid you in the revision process. Also, you may read more about Run-
ons in your Smarthinking Writers Handbook.

Summary of Next Steps:

Create a concise thesis statement.

Add more background information to your introduction.
Revise the run-ons in your draft.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision
process. Have a good day, Jaedee! Angela B.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's
Handbook.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Jaedee Johnson
January /2017
EN111-06
Professor Jennings

Between every sport or every athlete there is always an debate on which sport is better. The

two sports that has the most debate on which one is better is football and basketball they are well

known to start arguments. [How common are these debates? Is this an everyday thing? Let

your readers know more about these debates.] Hearing both athletes or fans who be having

the debates are always funny, we all know sports are competitive . [How funny can these

arguments get? Some of your readers might be unfamiliar with these debates. Therefore,

you must let them know more about them through providing some examples.] Almost every

sport has a bad side to it but the most reason for an argument to brake out between the sports are

how they are. [The word brake doesnt seem to fit this context. Please consult your

dictionary and consider replacing this word with a different one.]