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A Beautiful Disaster

“Irreparable and exquisitely damaged, all just another beautiful

disaster..”

A collection of poems by:

Sarah Osborne-Vazquez
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Table of Contents

Insanity Page 3

Asphyxiated Page 4

Isaiah Page 5

Something about Nothing Page 6

Angel Page 7

The Answer Page 8

Ten Feet in the Air Page 9

Flicker
Page 10
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Insanity
This isn't what I planned it to be,
slipping on the slick surfaces of insanity.
Yet sadness surrounds me,
and I don't know why.
When I've ran out of tears,
and I never cry.
Still I'm weak and I always succumb,
finding solace in being
so comfortably numb.
I fight in a battle I've already lost.
The pain not even worth,
what it’s already cost.
I’ve paid the price for wanting
more than I’d ever get.
My mouth bitter with the familiar taste of regret.
Scraping up the remnants of scattered pride,
unable to mourn a past that has never died.
And still there's nothing left,
when I have nothing to give.
There's loneliness in existing,
but I don't know how to live.

Sarah Osborne-Vazquez

Asphyxiated
Your hands around my neck
so tight.
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Suffocated by darkness,
suddenly illuminated by light.
A flickering film reel,
of old fatal notions.
A desperate obsession,
of unrequited emotions,
and random pleas.
Press rewind then pan to a lifetime,
Spent living on my hands and knees.
Paralyzed by toxic doses
of betrayal and deceit.
A self-mutilating ritual,
to chase the soles of your feet.
Now doused in a flammable truth,
like kerosene sprays.
Pyro-maniacally transfixed on igniting a blaze.
A perverse desire to stand and bask,
in the incinerating haze,
of just one fucking thing that was true!
Let it burn singe and blister!
Like the hate I have for you!
Forever and beyond that!
Cause I can see you!
For the first fucking time I do!
Your manipulated memories!
Sick, twisted stories!
YOUR insecurities?
You engraved with your own blood on my brain.
Now spontaneously combusted.
By a strategic vertical cut to the vein.
With nothing left but an open wound.
Festering. Hemorrhaging.
And stagnate.
But I'm still breathing.
And you can't fucking stand it.
I'm everything now you said I could never be.
Oh I am motherfucker.
I'm finally free.

Sarah Osborne-Vazquez

Isaiah
At times I feel I've failed you,

At times I've let you down.

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If I could I'd take it back,

to turn it all around and push back the hands of time.

if it took the worlds weight from your shoulders,

and placed it all on mine.

because even when you smile,

I see that serious face.

and every time I wish I had the power to erase.

any pain you've ever had inside your pretty eyes.

You shouldn’t be this young and far too very wise.

maybe when you're older you'll learn to understand,

I was growing up with you while raising you into a man.

maybe then you'll forgive me,

for all we had to go through.

and you will know,

just how much I love you.

Sarah Osborne-Vazquez

Something about Nothing

You never were about anything.

an ill fated fantasy,

some ideal soaked in naivety,

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concocted by my mind.

in love so blind.

you took it all,

and still asking for more.

but I'm the whore?

Eyes wide shut?

Not me. No more.

Gathering my wits and senses,

seeing you without the rose colored lenses,

all knowing with my well being.

you never were about anything.

Sarah Osborne-Vazquez

Angel
I was never a believer in what I couldn't see.
A miracle was something that would never happen to me.
but then I learned there was to be,
a tiny life growing inside of me,
the epitome of innocence in my womb
a delicate rosebud, waiting to bloom,
and even though I never knew my faith
or divinity,
on that day I knew,
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it was God who had come to bless me.

So, when they told me I was too young to know,
what I was getting myself into,
to think of my life,
and all that I had yet to do,
I placed my hand on my stomach and my only thoughts were of you
and of how it'd be,
to hold in my arms, a tiny extension of me
and with their words, “Do the right thing.” resounding in my head,
I chose not to listen,
and follow my heart instead.
I learned to believe even in what I couldn't see,
just by what I heard inside of me.
I knew it was possible to love someone
who I had yet to meet.
all when I heard your tiny heartbeat.
On the day you were born,
I was no longer lost, I finally found home.
just by looking into eyes so much like my own.
I never knew a heaven
or that a miracle could really be.
until the day god delivered you,
an angel to me.

Sarah Osborne-Vazquez

The Answer
Over the years I've shed too many tears to keep track of... so how could the
answer be love? But that's what you told me and it had to be because they
say love is blind and I never could see... any fault in you...but instead when
you lied, I believed you, did what I thought a good girl ought to thinkin it was
the way to love you pickin up the pieces and rightin your every wrong never
knowing I was hurting us all along by always being the one to catch your fall
always the one accepting the collect call the one waiting for you at the end of
every long haul when the world turned its back on us without a car and on
the bus getting caught in the rain without a dollar to our name scraping
together our last cents too young to be parents and understand we were too
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young for the life still trying to maintain and be a husband and wife so naive
in the thinkin all we needed was what we had in our hearts, all the while
pushing baby and groceries down Euclid home in shopping carts, and then
we'd argue and fuss all we'd see was the nothing we had instead of the
everything all inside of us, growing up together times were rough and life was
tough realizing that maybe love wasn't enough when we're pawning
whatever meager possessions to avoid repossessions, with 2 more babies in
less than four years no one was drying our tears with eviction letters and no
lights, less loving and more fights, and still there was more, coming home to
past due notices on the door, so when you said you were leaving I couldn't
care anymore ...yet till death do us part is what we said but we were apart
and far from dead, bitter from the reality of what they all say that love wasn't
enough for all the bills we had to pay, it sure wasn't enough for you to stay,
but I loved you enough to let you walk away, all along pretendin to be okay
finally letting you learn the hard way so you could be the man standing next
to me today who sees that all the problems we had to juggle was so wed
appreciate the end of the struggle and after all was said and done can look
back with me on how far we've come to find that the answer is the one thing
that makes you do what you never thought you'd do, its the same thing that
makes you want to believe lies are true, the answer, after all of these years
and too many tears to keep track of? Is love.

Sarah Osborne-Vazquez

Ten Feet in the Air

Discarded memories, long lost dreams and forgotten ambitions. Swirl
together in a hurricane becoming a single entity of desolate waste. Leaving in
its wake what could have been and what never was to dance to the music of
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a song that doesn’t end. Crestfallen, and defeated, you're alone in a world
drowning in infinite pools of self-loathing and destruction, crippled by a past
so completely submerged in pain and loss that it fills up every orifice of your
being, so that there wasn’t room left for anything or anyone else. Until there
was you. You’re radiance glowed in the darkness like a beautiful seductive
flame, taunting and beckoning. The desire to touch was overpowering and
hypnotic. Making it impossible to comprehend any consequence of being
burned. All at once the fear of loving too fiercely, of having you completely,
was rivaled only by the fear of losing the one thing you never even wanted to
admit you wanted. How could you want something that might not even exist?
So with reckless abandon you lose yourself in tiny moments of what has to be
true happiness. Thinking to yourself, you finally understand what that means.
So you bask in its afterglow even with only seconds to spare before crashing
back to earth. Gut wrenching despair, all consuming and crippling, and before
you can catch your breath you’re shooting back into an orbit of pure
unadulterated infatuation. Flying ten feet high up in the sky, floating,
weightless, and blanketed in warm opiate sensations. Closing your eyes in a
feeble attempt not to see the decline and inevitable fall. Grasping at
dissipating remnants of the elusive high, your efforts are in vain as you fall
nonetheless. You do this over and over pursuing the epitome of insanity with
voracious intent. The high so much greater than anything or anyone could
ever describe, so it had to justify the doubts and even the pain from each and
every skin crawling come down. Yet you’d never want to return to life before
this, how could you return to its mundane monotony? When you can be
engaged in a full blown addiction to the heights of where this love takes you.
Forsaking all logic and reason, justifications and excuses litter and fill your
mind until any shred of reality is polluted and distorted. You close your eyes
and you find yourself gripping to the edges of your very own emotional rock
bottom, clawing your way out of the pits of despair. You hold your breath,
until you’re flying again. Ten feet in the air.....

Sarah Osborne-Vazquez

Flicker
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A tiny flicker, the remnants of a flame

What should have been extinguished, yet it burns still the same.
Celestial bliss, when darkness ensues,
Unremitting and steady, the flicker pursues.
Toying with your senses, like a poignant stare
But how can you reminisce? On what was never there.
Inevitable it is to desire,
But that smoldering flicker, can never be fire
So at the breaking of dawn,
serenity lost, the darkness is gone
Daylight’s the grandest disguise,
Shielding, deceiving...
you believe its lies
Seeking solace in a world untrue,
When reality is pain and you can’t be you.
An inaudible sigh, a thousand tears unshed.
An insatiable hunger that can never be fed.
Giving up on the fire, the heat, the burn
When all that is dreamt, is no more than a yearn.
For what you can’t be, what you’ll never do,
An acceptance of fate
unwittingly losing a part of you.
Living vicariously, through that flame,
And never healing
Only eclipsing the pain.

Sarah Osborne-Vazquez