Building an Engineer Commented [Office1]: Good title
My undergraduate major was determined before I was even born. Engineering has been in
my family for three generations, and I intended on keeping the tradition. Engineering sparked a
passion that can only be expressed through how it begun. My decision to be an engineer was
shaped by various sponsors, that I would like to thank, and struggles. I hope to contribute in the
development of technology.
Prior to my birth, my mom, Liliana, and my dad, Juan, lived and went to university in
Colombia. My fathers major was mechanical engineering and went to become the primary
engineer for Toyota, my mom got her Associates degree in graphics and design and went to
work in my grandfathers steel mill. After a couple years they decided to move to the United
States for their children. My fathers prior knowledge of mechanical engineering influenced
how he shaped my perspective of the world, which made me highly interested in math and
science.
I do not remember much from elementary and middle school, so I asked my mom, she said
school was very tough for me, I did not speak the language and had no friends. When I look
back, it makes perfect sense why school was a burden: everyday was a struggle, I was placed in
remedial English classes all of my childhood. Furthermore, my mom goes on to tell me that the
only good thing I said about school was math class. The only place I felt comfortable in was
math; even though the math was still tough for me I enjoyed the environment it established.
Afterschool, I would go home and play with my Legos, they were awesome because I could
create anything I wanted.
Freshman and Sophomore year of high school was my self-discovery stage. I realized math
was my subject and I dominated it, I began to gain confidence and feel proud of my
accomplishments. I tackled challenging math and science course such as AP Physics C:
Mechanics because of confidence and commitment. Meanwhile, my brother went on to
college and chose aeronautical engineering as his major. Over the course of summer, I would
visit Colombia, my grandfather would talk to me about his steel mill and teach me about the
machine he invented and implemented in his factory. In addition, for every birthday my uncle
would take me to a military exhibition, which displayed a variety of machines; from AC-130 to
Black Hawks. I completely got interested in the overall military. My grandfather and uncle
opened my mind to all the possibilities a mechanical engineer has. By Sophomore year of high
school, I subscribed to Popular Science and began building detailed model airplanes, tanks, and
helicopters. I began to read of recent advancements in all sorts of machinery, which made me
want to build these sorts of contraptions.
I was most active my junior and senior year of high school. Founding the Physics club was a
great success, I have Mr. Thompkins to thank for my accomplishment. He was the one with the
idea in the first place and pushed me forward. By taking college courses in high school I was
able to see what I needed to do in my life to succeed in college: mature and gain responsibility.
In addition, I learned from AP English Composition that literature and writing is not my strength
and that I should focus myself in math and science, which I love. Afterschool, my father would
teach me about car engines and their components. Overall, I began to push myself to uncharted
limits, in school and outside of school.
Commented [Office2]: intend* (present)
Commented [Office3]: to a university*
Commented [Office4]: I recommend you expand these two
ideas slightly and break them apart into separate sentences.
Commented [Office5]: a couple of years*
Commented [Office6]: I think you should add some more
detail to this, possibly involving what your parents did when
they first moved to the United States.
Commented [Office7]: This is a good ending point for this
paragraph which transitions to the next paragraph.
Commented [Office8]: I recommend you change the way
that you phrase this sentence- maybe by saying After
asking my mom about what took place in my life during
elementary and middle school, I was told
Commented [Office9]: I think it was be beneficial to end
the previous sentence there and explain more in depth why
every day was a struggle.
Commented [Office10]: I think you should cut this phrase
because by saying I could create anything I wanted it
shows that you had an interest in engineering
Commented [Office11]: You do a good job of establishing
where you began to enjoy math. I think you could expand
more on what you specifically liked about math in general.
Commented [Office12]: I think that you should rephrase
this and end the sentence where the comma is
Commented [Office13]: and*
Commented [Office14]: I think you should rephrase this
possibly by saying I got hooked
Commented [Office15]: Accomplishment?
Commented [Office16]: I think you should mention a bit
more detail about who Mr. Thompkins is.
Commented [Office17]: How did he push you forward?
Commented [Office18]: Expand
Commented [Office19]: which are areas that I excel in and
enjoy
Commented [Office20]: You should add another paragraph
in between this paragraph and the next one if you decide to
cut the final paragraph
Commented [Office21]: Good ending
 College is mostly about self-discovery; individuals discover their passion and beliefs.
However, knowing that mechanical engineering is the major for me, I am ahead of the game. I
am currently ahead of my freshman grade with extra credits transferring over from high school
and I am joining two engineering clubs; Society of Hispanic Professional Engineers (SHPE) and
Society of Automotive Engineering (SAE). I am preparing myself for my future career, to obtain
skills such as multi-tasking and leadership qualities, while furthering my education outside of
school classes. In addition, I am building criteria to fill my resume. Commented [Office22]: Expand
My sponsors ranged from family, friends, and faculty. There have been tough times through Commented [Office23R22]: I think this should be your final
my journey, and there are more to come, but looking at the big picture these tough times are parargraph
overlooked. There have been more joyous moments than bitter ones. I hope UCF allows me top
network with individuals pertaining to my field so I can reach my superlative goal: happiness.
Happiness for me is reaching my full potential in life and little by I will reach it. Commented [Office24]: This is sort of a wrap up paragraph
so I think you should reconsider using it