The Touch of Fear

One sunny day my step brother and I were playing outside. The birds

were chirping, the bees were buzzing, and the dogs were barking. The air

smelled so flowery with a mixture of sawdust. Our parents were in the

middle of building an addition, but they were taking a break from the

building as they were drenched in sweat and dying a thirst. Brayden and I,

of course, were always getting into stuff we shouldn't have been.

Brayden looked at me and said come on! as he ran towards the

unfinished building.

I replied, We shouldnt be doing this. Giving him a tough look.

Even though I followed him jumping from beam to beam our parents

walked around the corner and shouted, Stop playing on that, its not a

toy! as my heart raced when they caught us I hoped we werent getting

into any trouble.

We then walked away. As soon as we couldnt see them and they

couldnt see us, Brayden says, Lets get back on it!

As I feared getting in trouble again, I touched my hip with my hand and

with some attitude.

I replied , They told us to stay off it Brayden!

he says, So? Nothing will happen they wont know. as he runs back over. I

sit with thoughts going through my mind.

I followed but this time things didn't go like last time. As I followed him

jumping from beam to beam once again, we came upon one beam that

hadntt been screwed to the joist hanger yet. As Brayden leaped on and off

it, I did the same except this time the piece of wood unattached from the

joist hanger as my leg slipped down with it. My leg got caught by the joist

hanger and my leg sliced open. As Im screaming in shock, my brother is

froze in confusion staring stopped in his tracks with his mouth wide open.

As I stood there screaming, I couldnt feel the pain. I stood there

waiting, waiting for what felt like hours for someone to help. Someone

call 911! came from my mouth numerous times. Brayden continued to

stand and stare in confusion. I am so traumatized by what's happening so

many thoughts are running through my head.

I finally looked at him and said Go get someone what are you doing? Im

standing there blood running down my leg and a wound the size of a

pencil.

My mother comes around the corner freaking out instantly. My step

father picks me up puts me in the car while my mother tells my older sister

to stay home with my other siblings while they rushed me to the

Emergency Room. The cut in my leg was so big my mother thought a piece

of my leg was missing. My flesh, bones, and blood was all visible, she

didnt want me to get sick so she put a towel over my leg so I didn't have to

look at it. We finally got to the ER as we ran in we were priority patients as

they took me back getting information later. We caught our family doctor

as he was leaving for break. He then took us into a tiny room. My dad

arrived and he almost passed out looking at my leg. His face turned pale

and he almost vomited. The doctor grabbed him chair to sit in so he didnt

faint.

Dr. Stiltner said You're lucky you didnt break your leg, it was about an

inch from hitting bone!

 As he gave me five shots around my knee he then began to put

staples in my leg, twenty three to be exact. The sound of each staple that

went in my leg was excruciating to the ears, I cant even describe the way I

felt. I had to be on crutches for a few weeks until I went back and got my

stitches taken out, then got steri strips put over the cut. I was nine and it

was right before summer break, needless to say it was the worst summer

of my life. Oh, and now I'm stuck with a scar that looks like a Nike sign and

constantly getting asked what happened.

Rubric rating submitted on: 12/14/2017, 10:32:12 PM by

danielle.cook@redstreaks.org
5 4 3 2 1 0

Introductio 5 = Fully and 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No

n W.3.a creatively Demonstrat Attempted Attempted Attempted attempt
Your score: demonstrat ed to to to made
4 ed Engages and demonstrat demonstrat demonstrat Engages and
Engages and orient the e; a couple e; a few e; several orient the
orient the reader by errors exist errors exist errors exist reader by
reader by setting out a Engages and Engages and Engages and setting out a
setting out a problem orient the orient the orient the problem
problem (conflict), reader by reader by reader by (conflict),
(conflict), situation, or setting out a setting out a setting out a situation, or
situation, or observation problem problem problem observation
observation and (conflict), (conflict), (conflict), and
and determines situation, or situation, or situation, or determines
 determines its observation observation observation its
its significance. and and and significance.
significance. Establishes determines determines determines Establishes
Establishes one or its its its one or
one or multiple significance. significance. significance. multiple
multiple point(s) of Establishes Establishes Establishes point(s) of
point(s) of view and one or one or one or view and
view and introduces multiple multiple multiple introduces
introduces the point(s) of point(s) of point(s) of the
the narrator view and view and view and narrator
narrator and/or introduces introduces introduces and/or
and/or characters. the the the characters.
characters. narrator narrator narrator
and/or and/or and/or
characters. characters. characters.

Rising 5 = Fully and 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No

Action & creatively Demonstrat Attempted Attempted Attempted attempt
Climax demonstrat ed to to to made
W.3.b,c,d (1) ed Uses demonstrat demonstrat demonstrat Uses
Your score: Uses dialogue e; a couple e; a few e; several dialogue
4 dialogue and errors exist errors exist errors exist and
and description Uses Uses Uses description
description (characteriz dialogue dialogue dialogue (characteriz
(characteriz ation) to and and and ation) to
ation) to develop description description description develop
develop experiences, (characteriz (characteriz (characteriz experiences,
experiences, events, ation) to ation) to ation) to events,
events, and/or develop develop develop and/or
and/or characters. experiences, experiences, experiences, characters.
characters. Uses pacing, events, events, events, Uses pacing,
Uses pacing, reflection , and/or and/or and/or reflection ,
reflection , suspense characters. characters. characters. suspense
suspense and Uses pacing, Uses pacing, Uses pacing, and
and foreshadowi reflection , reflection , reflection , foreshadowi
foreshadowi ng to suspense suspense suspense ng to
ng to develop and and and develop
develop experiences, foreshadowi foreshadowi foreshadowi experiences,
experiences, events, ng to ng to ng to events,
events, and/or develop develop develop and/or
and/or characters. experiences, experiences, experiences, characters.
characters. Sequence events, events, events, Sequence
Sequence events so and/or and/or and/or events so
events so that they characters. characters. characters. that they
that they build on one Sequence Sequence Sequence build on one
build on one another to events so events so events so another to
another to create a that they that they that they create a
create a coherent build on one build on one build on one coherent
coherent whole and another to another to another to whole and
whole and build create a create a create a build
build toward a coherent coherent coherent toward a
toward a particular whole and whole and whole and particular
particular tone and build build build tone and
tone and outcome toward a toward a toward a outcome
outcome (e.g. sense of particular particular particular (e.g. sense of
(e.g. sense of mystery, tone and tone and tone and mystery,
mystery, suspense, outcome outcome outcome suspense,
suspense, growth, or (e.g. sense of (e.g. sense of (e.g. sense of growth, or
growth, or resolution) mystery, mystery, mystery, resolution)
resolution) Uses clear suspense, suspense, suspense, Uses clear
Uses clear transitions growth, or growth, or growth, or transitions
transitions frequently resolution) resolution) resolution) frequently
frequently to help Uses clear Uses clear Uses clear to help
to help develop the transitions transitions transitions develop the
develop the sequencing frequently frequently frequently sequencing
sequencing of events. to help to help to help of events.
of events. Uses a develop the develop the develop the Uses a
Uses a precise/stro sequencing sequencing sequencing precise/stro
precise/stro ng words of events. of events. of events. ng words
ng words and Uses a Uses a Uses a and
and phrases, precise/stro precise/stro precise/stro phrases,
phrases, telling ng words ng words ng words telling
telling details, and and and and details, and
details, and sensory phrases, phrases, phrases, sensory
sensory language to telling telling telling language to
language to convey a details, and details, and details, and convey a
convey a vivid sensory sensory sensory vivid
vivid picture of language to language to language to picture of
picture of the convey a convey a convey a the
the experiences, vivid vivid vivid experiences,
experiences, events, picture of picture of picture of events,
events, settings the the the settings
settings and/or experiences, experiences, experiences, and/or
and/or characters. events, events, events, characters.
characters. Develops a settings settings settings Develops a
Develops a theme and and/or and/or and/or theme and
theme and weave it characters. characters. characters. weave it
weave it throughout Develops a Develops a Develops a throughout
throughout the theme and theme and theme and the
the narrative. weave it weave it weave it narrative.
narrative. Presents throughout throughout throughout Presents
Presents and the the the and
and develops narrative. narrative. narrative. develops
develops complicatio Presents Presents Presents complicatio
complicatio ns to lead up and and and ns to lead up
ns to lead up to the develops develops develops to the
to the climax and complicatio complicatio complicatio climax and
climax and develops a ns to lead up ns to lead up ns to lead up develops a
develops a clear climax to the to the to the clear climax
clear climax or turning climax and climax and climax and or turning
or turning point in the develops a develops a develops a point in the
point in the narrative. clear climax clear climax clear climax narrative.
narrative. Uses or turning or turning or turning Uses
Uses figurative point in the point in the point in the figurative
figurative language in narrative. narrative. narrative. language in
language in the Uses Uses Uses the
the narrative to figurative figurative figurative narrative to
narrative to develop the language in language in language in develop the
develop the plot, the the the plot,
plot, characters, narrative to narrative to narrative to characters,
characters, events, develop the develop the develop the events,
events, and/or plot, plot, plot, and/or
and/or experiences. characters, characters, characters, experiences.
experiences. Uses at events, events, events, Uses at
Uses at least one of and/or and/or and/or least one of
least one of the experiences. experiences. experiences. the
the following: Uses at Uses at Uses at following:
following: irony, least one of least one of least one of irony,
 irony, symbolism, the the the symbolism,
symbolism, multiple following: following: following: multiple
multiple plots, irony, irony, irony, plots,
plots, paradox, symbolism, symbolism, symbolism, paradox,
paradox, archetype, multiple multiple multiple archetype,
archetype, flashback, plots, plots, plots, flashback,
flashback, or stream of paradox, paradox, paradox, or stream of
or stream of consciousne archetype, archetype, archetype, consciousne
consciousne ss. flashback, flashback, flashback, ss.
ss. or stream of or stream of or stream of
consciousne consciousne consciousne
ss. ss. ss.

Rising 5 = Fully and 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No

Action & creatively Demonstrat Attempted Attempted Attempted attempt
Climax demonstrat ed to to to made
W.3.b,c,d (2) ed Uses demonstrat demonstrat demonstrat Uses
Your score: Uses dialogue e; a couple e; a few e; several dialogue
4 dialogue and errors exist errors exist errors exist and
and description Uses Uses Uses description
description (characteriz dialogue dialogue dialogue (characteriz
(characteriz ation) to and and and ation) to
ation) to develop description description description develop
develop experiences, (characteriz (characteriz (characteriz experiences,
experiences, events, ation) to ation) to ation) to events,
events, and/or develop develop develop and/or
and/or characters. experiences, experiences, experiences, characters.
characters. Uses pacing, events, events, events, Uses pacing,
Uses pacing, reflection , and/or and/or and/or reflection ,
reflection , suspense characters. characters. characters. suspense
suspense and Uses pacing, Uses pacing, Uses pacing, and
and foreshadowi reflection , reflection , reflection , foreshadowi
foreshadowi ng to suspense suspense suspense ng to
ng to develop and and and develop
develop experiences, foreshadowi foreshadowi foreshadowi experiences,
experiences, events, ng to ng to ng to events,
events, and/or develop develop develop and/or
and/or characters. experiences, experiences, experiences, characters.
characters. Sequence events, events, events, Sequence
Sequence events so and/or and/or and/or events so
events so that they characters. characters. characters. that they
that they build on one Sequence Sequence Sequence build on one
build on one another to events so events so events so another to
another to create a that they that they that they create a
create a coherent build on one build on one build on one coherent
coherent whole and another to another to another to whole and
whole and build create a create a create a build
build toward a coherent coherent coherent toward a
toward a particular whole and whole and whole and particular
particular tone and build build build tone and
tone and outcome toward a toward a toward a outcome
outcome (e.g. sense of particular particular particular (e.g. sense of
(e.g. sense of mystery, tone and tone and tone and mystery,
mystery, suspense, outcome outcome outcome suspense,
suspense, growth, or (e.g. sense of (e.g. sense of (e.g. sense of growth, or
growth, or resolution) mystery, mystery, mystery, resolution)
resolution) Uses clear suspense, suspense, suspense, Uses clear
Uses clear transitions growth, or growth, or growth, or transitions
transitions frequently resolution) resolution) resolution) frequently
frequently to help Uses clear Uses clear Uses clear to help
to help develop the transitions transitions transitions develop the
develop the sequencing frequently frequently frequently sequencing
sequencing of events. to help to help to help of events.
of events. Uses a develop the develop the develop the Uses a
Uses a precise/stro sequencing sequencing sequencing precise/stro
precise/stro ng words of events. of events. of events. ng words
ng words and Uses a Uses a Uses a and
and phrases, precise/stro precise/stro precise/stro phrases,
phrases, telling ng words ng words ng words telling
telling details, and and and and details, and
details, and sensory phrases, phrases, phrases, sensory
sensory language to telling telling telling language to
language to convey a details, and details, and details, and convey a
convey a vivid sensory sensory sensory vivid
vivid picture of language to language to language to picture of
picture of the convey a convey a convey a the
the experiences, vivid vivid vivid experiences,
experiences, events, picture of picture of picture of events,
events, settings the the the settings
settings and/or experiences, experiences, experiences, and/or
and/or characters. events, events, events, characters.
characters. Develops a settings settings settings Develops a
Develops a theme and and/or and/or and/or theme and
theme and weave it characters. characters. characters. weave it
weave it throughout Develops a Develops a Develops a throughout
throughout the theme and theme and theme and the
the narrative. weave it weave it weave it narrative.
narrative. Presents throughout throughout throughout Presents
Presents and the the the and
and develops narrative. narrative. narrative. develops
develops complicatio Presents Presents Presents complicatio
complicatio ns to lead up and and and ns to lead up
ns to lead up to the develops develops develops to the
to the climax and complicatio complicatio complicatio climax and
climax and develops a ns to lead up ns to lead up ns to lead up develops a
develops a clear climax to the to the to the clear climax
clear climax or turning climax and climax and climax and or turning
or turning point in the develops a develops a develops a point in the
point in the narrative. clear climax clear climax clear climax narrative.
narrative. Uses or turning or turning or turning Uses
Uses figurative point in the point in the point in the figurative
figurative language in narrative. narrative. narrative. language in
language in the Uses Uses Uses the
the narrative to figurative figurative figurative narrative to
narrative to develop the language in language in language in develop the
develop the plot, the the the plot,
plot, characters, narrative to narrative to narrative to characters,
characters, events, develop the develop the develop the events,
events, and/or plot, plot, plot, and/or
and/or experiences. characters, characters, characters, experiences.
experiences. Uses at events, events, events, Uses at
Uses at least one of and/or and/or and/or least one of
least one of the experiences. experiences. experiences. the
the following: Uses at Uses at Uses at following:
following: irony, least one of least one of least one of irony,
irony, symbolism, the the the symbolism,
symbolism, multiple following: following: following: multiple
multiple plots, irony, irony, irony, plots,
plots, paradox, symbolism, symbolism, symbolism, paradox,
 paradox, archetype, multiple multiple multiple archetype,
archetype, flashback, plots, plots, plots, flashback,
flashback, or stream of paradox, paradox, paradox, or stream of
or stream of consciousne archetype, archetype, archetype, consciousne
consciousne ss. flashback, flashback, flashback, ss.
ss. or stream of or stream of or stream of
consciousne consciousne consciousne
ss. ss. ss.

Falling 5 = Fully and 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No

Action & creatively Demonstrat Attempted Attempted Attempted attempt
Conclusion demonstrat ed to to to made
W.3.e ed The demonstrat demonstrat demonstrat The
The problem, e; a couple e; a few e; several problem,
Your score: problem, situation, or errors exist errors exist errors exist situation, or
4 situation, or observation The The The observation
observation is clearly problem, problem, problem, is clearly
is clearly resolved. situation, or situation, or situation, or resolved.
resolved. Provides a observation observation observation Provides a
Provides a conclusion is clearly is clearly is clearly conclusion
conclusion that follows resolved. resolved. resolved. that follows
that follows from and Provides a Provides a Provides a from and
from and reflects on conclusion conclusion conclusion reflects on
reflects on what is that follows that follows that follows what is
what is experienced, from and from and from and experienced,
experienced, observed, or reflects on reflects on reflects on observed, or
observed, or resolved what is what is what is resolved
resolved over the experienced, experienced, experienced, over the
over the course of observed, or observed, or observed, or course of
course of the resolved resolved resolved the
the narrative. over the over the over the narrative.
narrative. Reflects course of course of course of Reflects
Reflects upon the the the the upon the
upon the theme(s) in narrative. narrative. narrative. theme(s) in
theme(s) in the Reflects Reflects Reflects the
the conclusion upon the upon the upon the conclusion
conclusion to leave the theme(s) in theme(s) in theme(s) in to leave the
to leave the reader with the the the reader with
reader with a lasting conclusion conclusion conclusion a lasting
 a lasting message to to leave the to leave the to leave the message to
message to take away reader with reader with reader with take away
take away from the a lasting a lasting a lasting from the
from the story and message to message to message to story and
story and apply to life. take away take away take away apply to life.
apply to life. from the from the from the
story and story and story and
apply to life. apply to life. apply to life.

Mechanics, 5 = Fully and 4= 3= 2= 1= 0 = No

Usage & creatively Demonstrat Attempted Attempted Attempted attempt
Style W.1.c,d demonstrat ed to to to made
& L. 1 & 2 ed Sentence demonstrat demonstrat demonstrat Sentence
Sentence variety and e; a couple e; a few e; several variety and
Your score: variety and word choice errors exist errors exist errors exist word choice
3 word choice is effective Sentence Sentence Sentence is effective
is effective and variety and variety and variety and and
and sophisticate word choice word choice word choice sophisticate
sophisticate d. is effective is effective is effective d.
d. A formal and and and A formal
A formal style and sophisticate sophisticate sophisticate style and
style and objective d. d. d. objective
objective tone is A formal A formal A formal tone is
tone is established style and style and style and established
established and objective objective objective and
and maintained tone is tone is tone is maintained
maintained & established established established &
& Writing is and and and Writing is
Writing is clear, maintained maintained maintained clear,
clear, concise, and & & & concise, and
concise, and strong. Writing is Writing is Writing is strong.
strong. Sentences clear, clear, clear, Sentences
Sentences demonstrat concise, and concise, and concise, and demonstrat
demonstrat e correct strong. strong. strong. e correct
e correct usage, Sentences Sentences Sentences usage,
usage, punctuation demonstrat demonstrat demonstrat punctuation
punctuation , e correct e correct e correct ,
, capitalizati usage, usage, usage, capitalizati
 capitalizati on, and punctuation punctuation punctuation on, and
on, and spelling. , , , spelling.
spelling. capitalizati capitalizati capitalizati
on, and on, and on, and
spelling. spelling. spelling.

Comments:
Total: 19/25 x 2 = 38/40

http://talkandcomment.com/p/9e85257a80f8bd1800455f45 (voice note)