BROAD CITY

"MUKBANG!"

By Lauren Tyree
 COLD OPEN

INT. ABBI’S KITCHEN- DAY

Abbi sits at the table behind her laptop, savoring a large

powdered donut. She’s in a silk robe over an animal onesie.
She speaks aloud in the otherwise empty room.

ABBI
Mmmmmm, this donut is so g-

CUT TO:

INT. ILANA’S BEDROOM- DAY

Ilana straightens up in bed while watching her laptop wide-

eyed. She leans in to hear better, trying not to wake
Lincoln. We hear Abbi’s voice through Ilana’s speakers.

ABBI
Like, so good. Who doesn’t love a
big, fat donut, am I right?

Onscreen Abbi licks her lips. Ilana is baffled.

The live feed of Abbi eating breakfast has a chat window

below- a rapid scroll of messages from viewers.

ABBI (CONT’D)
You want me to eat another one?
Stop it. You know I will...

ILANA
(aloud to self)
Good God, woman.

Abbi grabs a pink donut and rips into it.

ILANA (CONT’D)
Am I supposed to be hungry or
horny?

ABBI
Mmmm, my favorite one so far.

Ilana bonks her fist on her forehead.

ILANA
Duh, both! Hungry and horny. Genius
bish.

Lincoln stirs, wakes up and looks over at Ilana.

 2.

Ilana thinks fast, grabs a dildo from her night table, holds
it up and switches it on. Lincoln turns away and buries his
head in blankets.

Ilana stops the dildo and resumes viewing. This donut’s jelly-
filled. Abbi’s less excited as she takes a last bite and puts
the rest back in the box.

ABBI
(swallowing hard)
Man, taking one for the team, guys.

Ilana shakes her head in awe. She zeros in on the comment

section, where fans compete to weigh in.

“Love you, Abbbs!”

“Eat two for me- Crab Crew 4ev”

“Literally me rn eating donuts alone fml...”

“Abbyy, do the choco one next. Please!”

“RAZZBERRY JELLY? OR WHAT KIND IS IT???????”

Ilana is struck by the volume of comments.

ILANA
Dayum. Social media mogul-ass
bitch.

Abbi pushes the donut box away and gets serious.

ABBI
I just wanna thank each of you for
making this channel Number One in
our category. I couldn’t have done
it without you. When we reach a
million subscribers, I’ll do a
honey ham for breakfast. With
champagne. If I’ve learned anything
in life, it’s that you can never
have enough of a good thing.

Ilana jumps out of bed and begins frantically pulling clothes

on.

Lincoln wakes up and overhears the audio.

ABBI (CONT’D)
(in an artificially
cheerful voice)
And now I’m all emotional, ugh.
(MORE)
 3.

ABBI (CONT’D)
But it’s nothing a massive
chocolate bear claw can’t fix! Mmm,
I think I can fit one more in.

LINCOLN
What the hell kind of porn are you
watching?!

Ilana closes her laptop and runs out.

END OF COLD OPEN

 4.

ACT ONE

INT. ABBI’S KITCHEN- DAY

Ilana bursts through Abbi’s unlocked door to find her

scraping the bottom of a yogurt cup in an oddly determined
way. Abbi spots Ilana, freaks out and slams her laptop shut.

ABBI
Oh my God, Ila-

Ilana marches toward Abbi.

ILANA
I thought you started your
livestream channel to do skin-
routine tutorials. I tune out for
two weeks and this happens? Abbi,
I’m feeling real outta the loop
right now. And very turned on.

ABBI
I wanted to see if this became a
thing before making you watch. I
didn’t know I was going to be the
next viral hit!

Ilana raises her hand to stop Abbi.

ILANA
Back up. First of all, congrats?
You’re one Duggar clan away from a
million followers, and no one can
take that away from you.

ABBI
Omigod, Ilana. I knew you’d be
onboard-

ILANA
But never keep a secret like this
from me again. Tell me about it.

Abbi gets up to walk around the room and explain.

ABBI
As you know, I’ve been in a
professional slump. I finally
reached an impasse where I had to
try something fresh and liberating,
where I could connect with other
creatives and make a little income
on the side-
 5.

ILANA
(nodding)
Yas, schmoney, yas.

ABBI
And I found this group of cutting
edge streamers and vloggers- It’s
like performance art. Like Kaufman,
or Abramovic... And as a feminist
artist, I just find it extremely
empowering and ful...filling. Very
filling.

ILANA
Yeah, you’re stuffed to the gills
with fried dough. I mean,
jealousss, but that’s gotta hurt.

ABBI
It’s called a Mukbang, Ilana. I’m
surprised you don’t know about it.

ILANA
I can’t keep up anymore. I’ve been
running around like a 50s
housewife. I barely use the
internet for actual porn.

ABBI
Okay, that’s a common
misconception. This is nothing like
porn. It’s just that some of my
viewers don’t eat carbs and they
need to watch me do it, so they can
pretend they’re doing it with me,
and in the end, they get the same
satisfaction as I do, like,
vicariously. Or they’re just lonely
and want company, even if I’m not
in the room with them.

ILANA
Hey, no shame. Your belly, your
choice, obvi.

ABBI
Look, I just enjoy my food and
people like what they see... Plus,
I give advice and stuff.

ILANA
What kind of advice?
 6.

ABBI
You know, just philosophy adapted
from a wide variety of my personal
influences- anyone from Hillary to
Oprah to... Dr. Phil. Gotta support
all my little Crabbies through this
thing called life.

ILANA
Your what?

ABBI
Like the Beliebers, or the Beehive.
Abbi fans are Crabbies. I eat a lot
of crab legs and shrimp in bed.
They love when I do seafood because
you have to smash it open, and
there’s all that liquid and gunk-

ILANA
Abbi! You have your own cult. Dope!

ABBI
The Crabbies are more of a virtual
family. Anyone is welcome.

Ilana throws her head back and laughs.

ILANA
Do you realize what this means?
This is your life now, dude. You
are a public personality. You’re
gonna need brand deals, an agent,
public relations!

Abbi backs away, suddenly uneasy.

ABBI
I mean, it’s all happening so fast.
Ultimately, this is just to promote
my career as an illustrator.

Ilana stares into Abbi’s eyes.

ILANA
How many times do you catch
lightning in a bottle like this?
Most people die before they do.

ABBI
I... guess. I mean, my art will
make a splash, too, one day.
 7.

ILANA
Baby girl, the internet is your
oyster right now.

ABBI
(lightbulb moment)
Oooh, oysters. Yes.

Abbi rushes to jot in a notebook on the table.

ILANA
Absolutely. Oysters are the vaginas
of the ocean.

Ilana thinks for a moment.

ILANA (CONT’D)
(playing coy)
If you were interested, I would
probably offer to manage you at a
reduced rate...

ABBI
Ilana, don’t take this the wrong
way, but this is a... solo act. My
fans- they’re so used to the
intimacy and authenticity that I
provide, and I have to stay
consistent as an indie content
creator, then grow organically.

ILANA
Okay, fine. I won’t Yoko your one-
man band. But showbiz can get
intense.

ABBI
(unconvincingly)
Sometimes, I forget the camera’s
even there while I’m eating and
answering fan comments. I get
really into it. I’m doing it mostly
for myself.

ILANA
That sounds amazing. ...Meanwhile,
my only audience is the world’s
least kinky dentist. Aren’t they,
like, notorious perverts?
 8.

ABBI
(smiling smugly)
If there’s anything I’ve learned in
life, it’s that love is a gamble,
and there’s no safe bet.

Ilana furrows her brow, then nods slowly.

ILANA
You are so right. We’ve been
playing it way too safe. We gotta
get dangerous again. Otherwise, who
even am I?

Abbi smiles and shrugs with false humility. She listens

intently.

ILANA (CONT’D)
Lincoln’s stuck in this suffocating
bubble of toxic masculinity and the
oppressor’s idea of an upstanding
Black man. I have to be an ally and
help break him out of those rigid
expectations.

ABBI
That’s ex...actly what I was trying
to say. I’ve found my answer, and
it sounds like you’re finding
yours.

Ilana is preoccupied while saying goodbye.

ILANA
Ab, you are a goddess and a guru.
Primo inspo. You’re my new life
coach. I gotta run!

Ilana exits and slams the door.

INT. LINCOLN’S OFFICE LOBBY- DAY

Ilana waits impatiently at the front desk for Lincoln to

emerge. She looks at the time on her phone, then addresses
the receptionist.

ILANA
I’m surprising him. You have to
keep them on their toes, or they
get bored as fook.

Ilana’s talking to herself; the receptionist has tuned out.

 9.

ILANA (CONT’D)
Of course all Tr*mp really wants is
for us gorgeous ethnic couples to
go sterile. And that monster will
not cock-block me again.

The receptionist returns her attention to the conversation as

Lincoln emerges from a room in the back. He’s still dressed
in scrubs and drying his hands, now smiling at Ilana. She
runs to jump into his arms.

LINCOLN
Ilana! Did we have lunch plans?

ILANA
(pinching his nose)
Lincoln, you silly, daft little
man. It’s called a surprise. Fun,
remember?!

LINCOLN
You don’t have to phrase it that
way...Is this it?

ILANA
Ha! No, there’s more. Let’s just
say I have a special place in mind.

LINCOLN
Do I need to pick up drycleaning?

ILANA
(flatly)
Nah, what you’re wearing is fine.

They wave goodbye to the receptionist and exit.

INT. ABBI’S BEDROOM- DAY

Abbi sits at her desk, lightly touching a framed photo of

Oprah. She has a moment, smiling to herself. Suddenly, she
takes out her phone and goes into a scroll-tap frenzy. We
don’t see the screen.

Abbi gets up and paces around while tapping away and growing
increasingly excited. She stops, throws herself on the bed
and splays out on her back.

ABBI
Thank you, Universe!

END OF ACT ONE

 10.

ACT TWO

INT. NOVELTY SEX SHOP- DAY

Ilana and Lincoln browse a selection of large, colorful,

complicated sex toys. Ilana showily examines a long string of
designer anal beads. Lincoln covers his face with his arm.

LINCOLN
Ilana, we’re down the street from
my office. What if I bump into a
patient here? I want to keep my 4.5
Yelp score, Ilana.

Ilana keeps walking and browsing. She holds up a toy toward a

sales rep quizzically. The rep helpfully mimes how it’s meant
to be used. Lincoln shrouds his face even more. Ilana bows in
appreciation.

ILANA
Look, your manhood has been
traumatized by that Dentists’
Association bullshit.

LINCOLN
Again, Ilana, we have sex multiple
times a day. And over the phone
this morning while you were on the
train and my patient was knocked
out. He’ll probably dream about it
tonight, lucky bastard.

ILANA
That’s not the point. I feel like a
freakin’ Stepford robot, slaving
away on your laundry and cooking
constantly, only to get banged in a
bed every night. Your bed or mine,
it’s all the same.

LINCOLN
We agreed we’d meet to check in on
our relationship after one full
year of dating. You’re mad early.

ILANA
This is not a meeting; it’s a
quarterly bonus. Just a boost.
 11.

LINCOLN
Just so you know, you’ve made me
three meals total, and two of them
were hamburger helper, and the
second time it was severely
undercooked.

ILANA
I had to run to a waxing
appointment!

LINCOLN
You washed one pair of my pants
that you used as a manicure
placemat and spilled polish on. And
they were still ruined!

Lincoln calms himself and looks around self-consciously.

ILANA
So what are you saying? I’m not up
to your standards as the perfect
Real Doll laundress?

LINCOLN
No, but I’d watch that movie.
[beat]
If I help pick out nipple clamps
right now, will that get us out of
here?

ILANA
Only if you play hooky with me
after. Spontaneity.

LINCOLN
I don’t have any more patients
today, but you’re setting me back
on paperwork.

ILANA
Worry about that later. When we’re
done here, we head over to Abbi’s,
because that place is a pleasure
palace right now.

LINCOLN
Didn’t she say she was at an
exfoliating workshop all day?

ILANA
(realizing)
She’s been lying to cover up her
shenanigans.
 12.

LINCOLN
Shenanigans?

A new sales rep approaches Ilana and Lincoln.

REP
Hi! Can I help you two with
anything? Any special occasion?

ILANA
Oh, just lunch break. This is
Lincoln, and I’m Ilana. He’s a
dentist.

Lincoln reluctantly shakes the rep’s hand when he extends it.

INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT HALLWAY- DAY

Ilana and Lincoln approach Abbi’s door holding bags full of

plastic toys. Three young men stand waiting to be let in.
Each holds a large bag of takeout.

Lincoln and Ilana push through and knock insistently. Abbi

answers in a leather catsuit and the same silk robe from
breakfast.

ILANA
Goddamn, B. Looking like a snack.

Ilana and Lincoln squeeze by, gawking at Abbi.

Abbi greets the three delivery guys. She’s humiliated.

ABBI
So, actually, my biggest nightmare-
is um, two Postmates arriving at
once, and there are three of you
here. Just... wild.

The three guys size each other up but don’t respond.

Abbi struggles to take the bags and the few drinks she
ordered, while Ilana and Lincoln hang in the living room.

ILANA
(calling out from the
background)
Ask for extra condiments!

ABBI
(calling out behind her)
No, and too late! I would have had
to order them through the app!
 13.

Abbi grins and turns back to the guys.

ABBI (CONT’D)
Thank you, gentlemen. This is for
everybody, more people coming-

Abbi slams the door shut.

CUT TO:

INT. ABBI'S APARTMENT- DAY

ABBI
Ilana, what are you guys doing
here? Lincoln, long time, no see.

LINCOLN
Yeah, I heard this is, like, a sex
dungeon now? Is that why we bought
all this stuff?

ABBI
What? No. Guys, we’re on a live
set. Viewers are waiting.

ILANA
Can we watch? You won’t know we’re
there. Lincoln and I could benefit
from seeing a nonsexual, sensual
performance piece by a trusted
friend in a safe space.

Abbi rolls her eyes.

ABBI
Fine! Way to make this about your
relationship, BTW. And I don’t need
extra condiments, so you didn’t
need to pipe in from the peanut
gallery.

ILANA
Abbi, you have like three thousand
bites of food to choke down-
without lubrication? I guess some
of us love sauce and others don’t.
Different strokes.

ABBI
My Mukbang empire is on the line,
so not a peep from you two.
 14.

LINCOLN
What’s a mook-bahng?

ILANA
You know, I searched it online- are
we sure it’s not muck-bang? Like...

Ilana punches her fist into her palm, simulating rough

pounding. Lincoln nods like he’s trying to understand.

ILANA (CONT’D)
Like, bang.

Abbi heads to the kitchen, where her bags of food sit on the
table.

ABBI
Break is over! Your Abs is back
with lunch, Crabbies.

Lincoln looks confused as he and Ilana settle in the corner.

ILANA
I’ll explain later.

Ilana noisily digs into her plastic sex shop bag. Abbi shoots
daggers at Ilana and purses her lips.

Ilana cringes and mouths ‘sorry!’ as Abbi resumes her show.

ABBI
Guys, sorry for the background
noise.
(her voice turns seductive)
It’s just me and you here now, and
I’m sooo hungry.
(turning confessional)
But oh my God, it was so
embarrassing just now- all three
Postmates got here at once, and
they totally saw each other. Can
you imagine? I was, like, ‘DURRRR,
I’m just filming an eating show in
here.’ Hahaha, and they were like,
‘Oh, nooo, you crazy lady!’ And
they, like, ran away.

Abbi pauses to catch her breath and switch to pitch mode.

ABBI (CONT’D)
If you’ve had a major FML
experience, I wanna hear about it
down below.
(MORE)
 15.

ABBI (CONT’D)
The top three commenters will get a
free ‘Where’s My Taco?’ T-shirt
commemorating that time my order
got messed up and I was so
confused.

Lincoln has stopped paying attention to Ilana and is glued on

Abbi.

LINCOLN
(keeping his voice low)
I still don’t understand, but she’s
a virtuoso.

Abbi unpacks a huge spread of cheeseburgers, fries, one

steak, a container of penne alfredo, a personal pizza and a
selection of mini-desserts. She has coffee and diet coke.

ABBI
So just a sampling. Mmmm. You know,
I was randomly thinking earlier
about how some people like
condiments, like, more than others.
I could take or leave ‘em. Weigh in
with the hashtag ‘lovesauce’ if you
love sauce more than I do.

Ilana looks pissed. She leans in toward Lincoln.

ILANA
(whispering)
That’s my idea! She’s stealing
material right under my nose!

Lincoln shoos Ilana away and keeps watching.

ABBI
If there’s anything I’ve learned in
life... we gotta take things as
they come. Change something too
much and you lose what you loved
about it in the first place.
Sometimes I just want to taste a
bare french fry, you know? The
texture, the flavor.

Abbi silently eats a fry in tiny bites. You could cut the
sexual tension with a knife. Lincoln is engrossed, misty-eyed
now, frozen as a single tear falls.
 16.

Ilana inches toward Lincoln and puts her hand in his lap. He
kisses her passionately. Enmeshed, they stand up and shuffle
out of the kitchen disruptively.

CUT TO:

INT. ABBI'S BEDROOM- DAY

Ilana and Lincoln paw at each other, undressing and kissing

and tripping around. They knock Abbi’s stuff around and make
a mess of her bed.

Suddenly, Lincoln freezes with Ilana in his arms and stares

deeply.

LINCOLN
Do your worst.

Ilana pumps her fist in the air and plants her lips on his.

CUT TO:

INT. ABBI’S BEDROOM- DAY

Lincoln and Ilana lay nude under Abbi’s covers.

LINCOLN
That was-

ILANA
Yeah...

LINCOLN
Life-altering?

ILANA
And with no plastic or silicone!
[beat]
Let’s eat Abbi’s leftovers.

They jump up and hastily dress.

INT. ABBI'S KITCHEN- DAY

Abbi is still streaming, eating dessert, now less

enthusiastic. Next to her sits Bevers in sweatpants and no
shirt, happily eating a burger.
 17.

BEVERS
But I started buying my own blocks
of cheese, and guess who couldn’t
keep her grubby little fingers off
of them, even though my name was
written on every side?!

Abbi smiles weakly. Bevers tickles her and she fends him off.

Lincoln and Ilana shuffle in but observe silently.

ABBI
Thank you for the extended cameo,
Bevers. Take your burger for the
road?

BEVERS
Aw, I bet your Abbi Crabbies wanna
hear a few more tales from the
Roomie Abbi crypt. I’ll be fair, I
promise.

ABBI
I have no space for a new segment.
Thank you, Bevers!

Bevers relents, but not without a final address to camera.

BEVERS
Stay tuned for my upcoming
storytime channel devoted to Roomie
Abbi and our misadventures- a
personal look behind the scenes.

Abbi physically pushes Bevers out of frame, and he scampers

off toward his room, waving at the laptop.

Ilana approaches Abbi. Abbi glances her way and hurries to

end her stream.

ABBI
Alright, friends. What an eventful
meal. Sorry if any of you were
offended by that display. I’ll see
you for breakfast tomorrow!

Abbi shuts her laptop and glares at Ilana.

ABBI (CONT’D)
(through gritted teeth)
Next time, could you all be a
teensy bit quieter on set?
 18.

ILANA
We’re sorry, Ab. And sorry about
your room.

ABBI
What about my room?

ILANA
I do think it’s funny, though, that
you made such a big deal about this
being a one-woman show, but you
have Bevers join as a guest cohost
for the very episode I’m in the
studio audience for. I’m really not
trying to take it personally, but
it’s hard.

ABBI
You think I invited him?

ILANA
I really don’t know. Before today,
I didn’t think you were a top
internet sensation, but here we
are.

ABBI
So I get a little attention for
once, and Ilana’s threatened.
Honestly, I doubt you’ll have my
back when this thing gets bigger.

ILANA
(shaking her head)
God, Abbi. This is just what the
Great Dictator wants from us. Such
a constant battle to resist the
discord.

Lincoln eats cold food in the background.

Ilana grabs Abbi’s shoulders.

ILANA (CONT’D)
You are strong, you are sexy, you
are everything, Gigi Gorgeous.

ABBI
Thank... you.

ILANA
And you clearly don’t need me as a
manager.
(MORE)
 19.

ILANA (CONT'D)
You’re a marketing machine, and a
host and performer who writes all
of her own material.

Abbi thinks she detects sarcasm but doesn’t understand why.

Ilana closes her eyes to chastise herself for getting petty.

She takes a deep breath.

ILANA (CONT’D)
Lincoln and I are proud of you.

Ilana gestures toward Lincoln, who gives a thumbs’ up while

chewing.

ILANA (CONT’D)
You’re killin’ it with the hashtags
and merch giveaways. Must cost a
lotta bread, between the shirts and
the Postmates orders.

ABBI
Yeah... it’s a big investment. The
delivery fees alone-

ILANA
Yeah, but you make cake, right?

ABBI
So much... potential to make up to
eight figures annually, once my
following is bigger. In a year or
so. For now, viewer donations
almost cover the food bills.

Ilana looks concerned but forces a brave face.

ILANA
Yas, startup maven! Crushing the
competish. I always knew you would
be famous for your art.

Abbi looks disappointed.

ABBI
Yeah... me, too. I always knew.

Ilana hugs Abbi and holds out her arm to accept a fistful of
fries from Lincoln, which she stuffs into her mouth while
embracing her friend.
 20.

INT. GROCERY STORE- DAY

Abbi and Ilana walk down adjacent aisles before converging.

Abbi wears dark sunshades.

ILANA
Wow! What are you doing here?

ABBI
(lifting her shades)
Oh, just a little shopping- salad,
mostly. Gotta keep it light to save
my appetite and Postmates budget.

ILANA
How’s that going, dude? It’s been
forever. I know we’re cool, but I
wanted to give you your space.

ABBI
Yeah, it’s been a rough two days.
But I’m at a million followers! You
shoulda seen my live celebration.

ILANA
Oh, I saw it. You ate the honey
ham. I watched on my phone, mid-
coitus.

ABBI
What did we say about that, Ilana?

ILANA
You said no more video calls during
sex. A livestream is different.

Other shoppers pass by the ladies, and Abbi darts her eyes
around in paranoid hypervigilance, then puts her shades back
on.

ILANA (CONT’D)
Okay, what’s up? Are you
agoraphobic now?

ABBI
No, I just- I could bump into a
fan, and I don’t have a stitch of
makeup on. Someone runs up to snap
a photo before you know it, and
they never let you delete it.

ILANA
That sounds awful, Abs. I can’t
forget that celebs are people, too.
 21.

ABBI
And you can’t imagine the hate on
social media. I meditate now, just
to get through my day. You’re so
lucky you’re not under a
microscope. I’d kill for that kind
of anonymity again.

Abbi ducks slightly next to a wall of cereal boxes.

ILANA
Ab, are you sure you’re cut out for
this? I know you can do anything in
the world, but everything takes its
toll.

ABBI
Nah, I know the game. These are
normal occupational hazards. I
mean, the cashflow issue and the
bowel issues are super temp. I’m
one major sponsor away from never
having to work again.

ILANA
Okay. Then I’ll never do anything
to block your blessing.

ABBI
Thank you, Ilana. No matter where I
end up, I’ll never forget how you
supported me. You and Lincoln are
welcome back if you ever want to
watch, maybe even cameo. Let’s have
lunch and discuss. It was so good
to see you.

Ilana is disoriented by the sudden formality and Abbi’s

abrupt goodbye.

ILANA
Okay, I guess we’ll hang soon.
Congrats, again!

Abbi walks off.

END OF ACT TWO

 22.

ACT THREE

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT- NIGHT

Ilana and Lincoln are dressed in semi-formal attire, sharing

a booth and enjoying fine food with a cabernet.

They take turns savoring bites of food, pausing to feed each

other. They’re oblivious to the world around them.

Their young server MEGAN stops by with a bowl of fondue as

Ilana spoon-feeds Lincoln soup across the table.

MEGAN
Sorry about the wait. Will you be
needing anything else?

Lincoln replies without taking his eyes off Ilana.

LINCOLN
Megan, can you also bring extra
napkins? We’re gonna get... dirty.

The server is mildly put-off but professional.

MEGAN
Sure. We have moist towelettes.

LINCOLN
(eyes on Ilana)
Even better.

Megan spins on her heels and heads toward the kitchen.

CUT TO:

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT- NIGHT

Ilana is now seated next to Lincoln on his side of the booth,

kissing his neck while he struggles to sign the check.

LINCOLN
My place.

ILANA
No! Let’s go to... Abbi’s.

LINCOLN
You wanna hang out with Abbi right
now?!
 23.

ILANA
No, I want to get into her bedroom.
Come on, that was hella hot the
other day; we gotta recreate it.
Plus, she probably has tons of
dessert.

Lincoln nods. They get up to leave.

INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT- NIGHT

Ilana and Lincoln walk through the unlocked door barely

noticed by Abbi, who’s in her kitchen streaming. A fast food
bag sits in front of her laptop.

ABBI
(speaking softly)
And that’s when I learned, material
possessions mean literally nothing.
Sometimes I feel like you guys are
all I have. And you’re everything.
Don’t forget that.

Ilana and Lincoln overhear the speech as they make out and
head toward Abbi’s room.

Ilana grows concerned and distracted. Lincoln pulls her in

and shuts the door, but she stops as they’re undressing.

ILANA
Is it still an act, or is she full
method now? Was she crying in
there?

LINCOLN
Abbi dumped you. Butt out. Come on,
let’s do this before her show
wraps.

Ilana stops him.

ILANA
I know lately we’ve been destroying
each other physically, but I
thought being in this room would be
a sexual turbo boost, especially
since I’m sure Abbi didn’t wash the
sheets since our sesh three days
ago...But now that we’re here, I’m
kinda not in the mood.
 24.

LINCOLN
Wanna go in there and invite Abbi
to join? Will that help?

ILANA
Duh, yes, in a perfect world. But I
told her I’d stay out of her way.

They try kissing and getting into it.

ILANA (CONT’D)
Ugh, I can’t do it. Don’t you see?
My best friend is being eaten alive
by a fickle, blood-thirsty public.
They always want more, gimme gimme
gimme. That spotlight must be
glorious to make it worthwhile.
Right?

Ilana stares off.

Lincoln falls back against the headboard, resigned.

LINCOLN
I think you’re just bored, Ilana.

Ilana looks at him sympathetically and holds his face.

ILANA
I’m not bored. I’m insatiable.
Kinda like Abbi’s alter ego. By the
way, if you and I had a livestream,
it’d be totally NSFW. Could you
imagine- a million strangers
watching? Cheering us on? Jacking
it in unison across the globe?

Ilana climbs on top of Lincoln.

ILANA (CONT’D)
Just follow my lead.

Ilana grabs a scarf from Abbi’s bedpost and blindfolds

Lincoln while kissing him, then spins him in circles around
the bedroom. When he’s disoriented enough, she walks him out,
opening the door silently and leaving it ajar.

INT. ABBI'S KITCHEN- DAY

Ilana and Lincoln enter, and Abbi’s nowhere to be seen. Her

laptop is still set up.
 25.

An ecstatic Ilana stands with Lincoln in front of the screen

and keeps kissing, one eye closed and the other on the
comment section. Some messages are legible.

“Chuck the bra!”

“OMG WTF. Abbi??”

“Where’s Bevers?”

“Interracial? I’m out.”

“Duuuuude, get your hands off her!!!”

“This is disgusting. Bye.”

“Is this porn?”

Lincoln senses something’s up and rips off his blindfold. He

immediately freaks out.

LINCOLN
Ilana, what the hell?! Am I being
streamed?? I’m a dentist!

Realizing what he said, Lincoln covers his mouth with his

hands and jumps even further out of frame.

Ilana closes the laptop.

ILANA
Relax. You couldn’t see our faces.

The doorbell rings, and Abbi calls out from the bathroom.

ABBI
Be right out! Hold on!

ILANA
Lincoln, the camera was calling out
to me. I thought we could add
something special to Abbi’s show...
you could only see our bodies,
anyway.

LINCOLN
Don’t blame the webcam for your
lack of boundaries, Ilana.
 26.

ILANA
I suck. I just thought we’d be
ourselves, and then Abbi would
invite us to sit, and soon enough
we’d all start sharing and touching
and maybe getting into it, I mean,
if you were okay with that. But I
wasn’t really thinking; it was all
so sudden. [beat]

ILANA (CONT’D)
I guess we have our whole lives to
explore the darkest depths of our
sexuality together. I’m sorry I
tried to rush it.

The doorbell rings again. Frantic knocking.

Abbi rushes out of the bathroom to answer.

ABBI
I’m coming! I’m here. Jesus!

Abbi answers the door in a huff.

ABBI (CONT’D)
You know what, Greg? I’m not so
sure I’ll be tipping my normal 30
per cent tonight. This is also my
place of business, and I hate being
rushed. Some of us are trying to
work here.

GREG
Aren’t we all.

Greg looks over Abbi’s shoulder to see Ilana and Lincoln in

their underwear.

GREG (CONT’D)
Except them, I guess.

Abbi grabs the huge bag of food and slams the door in Greg’s
face.

She turns to Ilana and Lincoln with her jaw agape.

ABBI
What happened to my stream?

She rushes over to open her laptop, her eyes frantically

scanning the comment section.
 27.

ABBI (CONT’D)
You guys. What is this about
Cinemax? And a blindfold? What were
you guys doing? On my channel?

LINCOLN
We got a little... carried away.
Well, Ilana carried me away to make
a brief appearance on your show.

Ilana is too scared to speak up.

ABBI
(slowly approaching)
Do you realize what you’ve just
done? To everything I’ve built. If
this has any effect on my metrics-

ILANA
Ab, I just wanted to help. You’re
not yourself. You’ve been eaten up
by the fame vortex, but I got
sucked in, too. Maybe I wanted to
be onscreen so you’d look at me
again.

Abbi starts crying.

ABBI
Ilana, I can’t even remember what
it’s like to be a person anymore.

ILANA
Ab! You are a badass, talented boss
bitch with so much more to offer.
We all love Normal Abbi. Show her
to the world and they’ll love her,
too.

ABBI
You know what? I’m going for a full
rebrand tomorrow. Crocheting,
Barrymore blog reviews, face-
washing tutorials, stuff I care
about! All my remaining followers
will keep following wherever I go.

Abbi closes her eyes and reluctantly peels them open as she
refreshes her profile page.

ILANA
What’s the damage?
 28.

ABBI
Two hundred and fifty?!

ILANA
Wow, you lost three quarters of a
million followers during one second
of heavy petting by two gorgeous
bodies?

ABBI
No, I lost all but two hundred and
fifty subscribers total. They’re
gone. They jumped ship. I told you
Mukbangers weren’t sex freaks.

Abbi falls into her chair, utterly defeated.

ILANA
Wow. Wow-wow-wow. Welp, back to the
ole drawing board, as they say.

Ilana opens Abbi’s notebook, crosses her legs and sticks a

pen in her mouth, then taps it against the page.

Abbi rocks back and forth in her seat.

ILANA (CONT’D)
Okay- Content, content... I like
your initial ideas, but we’ve gotta
bank a ton of extras just to be
safe.

Abbi remains silent while Lincoln starts noisily digging into

the paper bag of takeout.

END OF ACT THREE

 29.

TAG

INT. ABBI’S BEDROOM- DAY

Abbi and Ilana sit upright in bed, side-by-side, with a messy

assortment of crab legs and shrimp tails in their laps. They
lick their fingers audibly and appear naked under plastic
bibs from the restaurant.

We hear cracking offscreen.

Zoom out to reveal Lincoln on the other side of Abbi in bed,

with a crab leg in his mouth.

LINCOLN
Thanks for dessert, Ab.

ABBI
Who needs their mukbang filmed,
anyway? We’re like the Me
Generation, y’know? Attention
whores much?

ILANA
(laughing)
Guys, it’s a muk-gangbang!

ABBI
If I’ve learned anything this week,
it’s that friendship beats
followers. And I had no idea how
many of mine were virulently racist
prudes.

We hear a rustling of shells offscreen.

Zoom out to reveal Bevers on the other side of Ilana,

brushing cracked claws and legs from his bare chest.

BEVERS
Are there any more of those little
cajun sausages? For the road?

Lincoln fishes around in the bag and hands a couple over.

Bevers nods and leaves the bedroom.

END OF TAG

END OF SHOW