Maddy Steggall

Can we be happy without love?

The concept of love has puzzled scientists, philosophers and biologists since the beginning of time; it can
evoke unsurmountable ecstasy, warped realities, obsessive insanity and even physical illness. In our society,
divorce is on the rise, the notions of sexuality are ever-shifting, relationship statuses are broadcast across
every social media platform, and dating in person seems almost obsolete. The definition of love therefore,
and whether we even need it to be happy, is becoming an increasingly relevant question.

Love, scientifically, is a cocktail of hormones that work together to affect every part of the body; the first
dizzy stages of love are partly caused by dopamine, a chemical associated with both mania (high levels) and
depression (low levels), and the volatile rushes of the chemical when you fall in love mean symptoms of
these disorders occur, for example, erratic behaviour, feeling ecstatic in their presence but then not being
able to drag yourself out of bed when you lose them. Having sex with someone you love, making skin
contact, or even imagining this, heightens the release of oxytocin, a highly addictive chemical whose
withdrawal symptoms (sleeplessness and weight gain) explain the physical effect breakups have on us. In
2000, Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki of UCL located the areas of the brain activated by romantic love; the
area for gut feelings, and those which generate the euphoria induced by drugs such as cocaine. As a strong
chemical addiction then, love doesn’t make you happier overall, rather elevates the highs and deepens the
lows, and perhaps life would be easier and happier without its complications. Similarly to how the
‘honeymoon period’ of love is an addiction, when one gets used to living in a certain way, or with a certain
person, the huge change after a breakup or death can cause long-term unhappiness. There is a 5 per cent
higher risk of death in the first year after bereavement among older couples; their hearts literally broke, as
the heartstrings were not strong enough to cope with the stress of grief. It could be argued though, that the
unhappiness is more to do with the radical change in lifestyle, than the fact one is living without love.

Arguably, it is only societal pressure that makes us feel as though we have to be in a relationship; for
centuries it has been vital to get married in order to be seen as ‘normal’. This might subconsciously
contribute to the self-disbelief and isolation many feel when single, as we naturally want to fit in with
social trends. That might suggest that we are unhappy without long-term, monogamous love; however, as
society has evolved and become more liberal, the definition of love and what it entails has changed
considerably. Author Helen Croydon writes, “‘Historically, you had to pair up: socially and financially,
having a partner facilitated your life. Now we are more affluent, more individualist. Women are more
independent. The internet makes finding like-minded groups easier. The more fast-moving modern society
becomes, the less relevant a relationship is to our survival.” Increasingly more frequent, especially (but not
exclusively) in the youth, is flexisexuality, open or group relationships and Living Apart Together (LAT).
Rather than a social obligation, monogamy is now a personal choice, and love as we know it doesn’t have
such strict boundaries, rules and definitions. Many might also feel that depending on another person just
limits your personal goals and dreams, such as travelling, or that having children is simply not something
they’re interested in. So, it could be said that it is possible to be happy without love, if we are talking about
love in its traditional, monogamous sense.

On the other hand, undeniably there are types of love that are crucial to happiness, such as self-love;
though rather clichéd in today’s society, it is true that if we do not have a sense of self-worth and belief, it is
impossible to lead a fulfilled and content life. Common symptoms of depression and other mental
disorders e.g. BPD, revolve around love: a lack of self-love, and paranoia of being unloved. This would
suggest that love is directly linked to our happiness. Moreover, we cannot love ourselves if we don’t show
love towards others; the Greek word for selfless love, ‘agape’, describes the motivation behind altruistic
Maddy Steggall

actions and compassionate behaviour that are vital in giving meaning to life. One often finds that giving a
present is more enjoyable than receiving one, because of this fact: giving love making us happier overall.
For example, in a recent study by the University of Exeter, volunteers had a 22% lower mortality rate than
non-volunteers, and they also had higher levels of self-esteem and happiness. We need to have a love for
something, a passion, a purpose to life, in order to be happy; doctors recommend finding a hobby that
absorbs, satisfies and fulfils us, and that allows us to engage with others, as this is relaxing and improves
our physical health. Studies have also shown that cancer survivors do better in recovery and remission
when utilizing hobbies to increase their well-being. Knowing what motivates you to keep going, and having
a purpose to your actions, is indispensable to happiness.

It is evident that a lack of love in childhood causes numerous issues in later life; feeling unloved can lead to
insecure attachment, undeveloped emotional intelligence, isolation, extreme sensitivity, fear of failure and
rejection, trust issues, and selfishness, amongst many others. For example, growing up with an emotionally
distant father may lead to a self-conviction that male attention must equal male love, which obviously
could lead to toxic relationships and dangerous situations. Children in the social services system may
become adults who believe they are not worthy of love, meaning they have a fear of rejection and perhaps
social anxiety. According to the NSPCC, neglected children are more likely to develop depression and
PTSD, as well as find it difficult to develop positive relationships with their own children. This area of
psychology, called attachment theory, clearly demonstrates that it is near impossible to be happy without
love during the early stages of development.

Evolution has designed us to fall in love as an incentive to mate and reproduce, and then stick together to
raise offspring in ideal conditions. We naturally feel pain after a breakup, or when love goes unrequited,
because we are meant to. In those experiencing separation or divorce, anhedonia (a lack of finding pleasure
in activities that one once enjoyed) and a loss of meaning to life are commonly expressed symptoms.
Humans are social animals, and if we are isolated from others we suffer mentally and physically; an
observational study found that social isolation can increase your risk of having a stroke or coronary artery
disease by as much as 30%. Familial, platonic and erotic love are all types that are necessary to experience
human life completely, and without even just one, it feels like something is missing.

From a wider societal perspective, love is vital too; it balances the hate of both moral and natural evil in the
world. After the devastation of natural disasters, aid workers that tirelessly help victims; NGOs that work
to further education, help communities and develop international links in third world countries; positive
news publications; simple acts of kindness; soup kitchens and volunteer organisations for the homeless -
these are all examples of love that the world couldn’t be happy without. Love is a universal language, and is
therefore the binding essence of humanity. I believe that for many people, it is certainly possible to be
content without being in a relationship; a life devoid of any kind of love, however, I find hard to believe
would be a happy one.