http://pfox.

org

Online Support Group

PFOX hosts an e-mail discussion group at Yahoo Groups. It is comprised of

parents, friends and spouses of gays and ex-gays, and we also have ex-gays
on the list. We support each other daily via e-mails that we write to each
other. You can just read the postings or join in the discussion at any time with
your particular day to day hopes, struggles, questions and thoughts. If you
would like to join, send a blank e-mail to ex-gay-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays

Welcome to PFOX

PFOX is not a therapeutic or counseling organization. PFOX supports families,

advocates for the ex-gay community, and educates the public on sexual
orientation. Each year thousands of men, women and teens with unwanted
same-sex attractions make the personal decision to leave homosexuality.
However, there are those who refuse to respect that decision. Consequently,
formerly gay persons are reviled simply because they dare to exist! Without
PFOX, ex-gays would have no voice in a hostile environment.

PFOX families unconditionally love their children. PFOX parents recognize our
children for the wonderful young men and women they are. PFOX families do
not label children based on who they are attracted to—feelings can and do
change. PFOX families allow for differences of opinion; we do not place
requirements on our children nor do they place them on us. That’s what
unconditional love means—loving each other even when we do not agree.

Ex-gay Q&A

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) supports the ex-gay community
and families. We hope the below PFOX Q&A will clarify issues.

Aren’t some people born gay?

We have all heard of individuals who entered homosexuality later in life after
marrying and having children with an opposite-sex spouse. No scientific
evidence has established a genetic cause for homosexuality or found a “gay
gene.” There is no DNA or medical test to determine if a person is homosexual.
Sexual orientation is a matter of self-affirmation and public declaration. “Gay”
is a self-chosen identity. According to the American Psychiatric Association,
there are no replicated scientific studies to support that people can be born
“gay” or that homosexuality is innate.

According to the American Psychological Association, “[a]lthough much

research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social,
and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that

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permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any
particular factor or factors.” [2008]

Who are ex-gays?

Each year thousands of men and women with unwanted same-sex attractions
make the personal decision to leave homosexuality via secular therapy,
Homosexuals Anonymous support groups, faith based ministries, and other
non-judgmental environments. Their decision is one only they can make.
However, there are others in society who refuse to respect individual self-
determination. Consequently, formerly gay men and women are reviled simply
because they dare to exist. Without PFOX, former homosexuals would have no
voice in an increasingly hostile environment.

Do gay activists oppose the efforts of PFOX to protect the equal rights
of ex-gays?

They shouldn’t. Although gay organizations advocate for the rights of

homosexuals, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders, transsexuals, the
intersexed, and questioning youth, they do not add ‘ex-gay’ to that list. Yet the
addition of ex-gays ensures tolerance for all segments of our society.

Many ex-gays are afraid to come out of the closet because of the harassment
they will receive. The tactics of gay activists are to go after anyone who comes
out publicly as ex-gay, force them back into the closet, and then claim that ex-
gays don't exist because there aren't any out in public. For example, see:

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4797243

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3jkeTdgLrg

http://www.massresistance.org/docs/gen/09b/ParkStreetChurch_0428/index.h
tml

http://www.wjla.com/news/stories/0410/731411.html

PFOX is not an anti-gay organization – we are a pro-ex-gay organization. All

people should be treated with dignity. We respect the opinions of others, even
if they disagree with us. Indeed, we do not ask for their approval – only their
tolerance.

What is the ex-gay movement?

Former homosexuals are the last invisible minority group in America. The ex-
gay movement is a civil rights movement to ensure the safety and inclusion of
former homosexuals in all realms of society, and supports the ex-gay
community’s equal access to all public venues. Ex-gays and their supporters
should not have to be closeted for fear of other’s negative reactions or
disapproval. They do not think something is wrong with them because they
decided to fulfill their heterosexual potential. Nor do they believe others should

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condemn them for the personal decision they have made for their lives. Full
diversity must include the ex-gay community.

What are some of the discriminatory actions against ex-gays?

Due to media indifference, many Americans are unaware of the widespread

intolerance practiced against those who leave homosexuality:

 Unlike gay groups, ex-gay groups like PFOX are routinely denied equal
access to participate in public school events, donate books to public
school libraries, and present speakers on diversity day.
 Transgenders and cross-dressers are affirmed for changing their gender
but former homosexuals are ridiculed for making the decision to change
their sexual orientation.
 Ex-gay conferences and seminars across the country are frequently
picketed by anti-ex-gay protestors like PFLAG, a parents organization run
by a gay activist, and Soulforce, a homosexual religious organization.
 Presidential candidate Barack Obama was criticized by gay activists for
allowing ex-gay gospel singer Donnie McClurkin to sing at a fundraiser.
They insisted that Obama drop the African-American singer from the
program. Gay singers did not receive this treatment.
 Washington DC Mayor Adrian Fenty was forced to apologize for issuing a
certificate of appreciation to an ex-gay civil rights leader after receiving
complaints from the gay lobby. In signing gay marriage legislation for
the nation’s capital, Fenty had promised equality for all DC residents.
http://pfox.org/Mayor_Fenty_wrongful_apology.html
 Equality Virginia demanded that Washington DC Metro remove PFOX’s
subway billboards advocating tolerance for ex-gays.
 An ex-gay volunteer staffing PFOX’s exhibit booth at the Arlington
County, Virginia Fair was physically assaulted because he refused to
recant his ex-gay testimony. Wayne Besen, a former spokesperson for
the Human Rights Campaign, falsely reported that the assault had never
occurred.
 After speaking at an ex-gay conference, Michelle McKinney-Hammond
lost her programming on a broadcast station because Besen made good
on his threat to complain to the station about speakers making
appearances at ex-gay events.
 Bash Back!, a gay group that retaliates against heterosexuals who vote
against genderless marriage, can be seen in this video screaming and
chanting against an ex-gay meeting held at a Boston church --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llIOdgOZLF4&feature=related This
incident is cited in a federal complaint filed against Bash Back for
intimidation – see paragraph 68 of the legal filing
at http://www.alliancedefensefund.org/UserDocs/MtHopeComplaint.pdf
 After writing a letter her local newspaper as a concerned citizen, Crystal
Dixon was terminated from her job as an Associate Vice President of
Human Resources for Toledo University. An African-American, Dixon
challenged the civil rights comparison of race with homosexual behavior.
Dixon’s letter also revealed that some gay people have overcome

3
 unwanted homosexual feelings, as evidenced by the growing popularity
of PFOX and other ex-gay organizations.

This irrational phobia of those who have overcome unwanted same-sex

attractions perpetuates misunderstanding and harm against the ex-gay
community. It also demonstrates a disregard for diversity and a refusal to
respect a basic human right to dignity and self-determination.

Why do gays hate ex-gays so much?

Gay activist organizations instruct their members to reject ex-gays and

homosexuals who refuse to self-identify as "gay." This rejection is a form of
heterophobia that can be overcome with education and outreach. Gay activists
cannot claim sympathy as victims when they victimize their own. We should all
be tolerant of each other regardless of our sexual orientation. Homosexuality
has multiple causes and people have experienced it differently in their lives. If
a gay person's sense of well-being is dependent on all other people with same-
sex attractions having had the same experience that they did, then that person
is in a dangerous place. In fact, this is what has caused persecution of ex-
gays.

The demonization of ex-gays by gays themselves is a sad end to the long

struggle for tolerance by the gay community. That ex-gays and their
supporters are now oppressed by the same people who until recently were
victimized themselves, demonstrates how far the gay rights movement has
come. Indeed, a new chapter in the movement has begun – the right of
homosexuals and lesbians to leave unwanted homosexuality.

Why would anyone choose to leave homosexuality when there is so

much discrimination against the ex-gay community?

Because of the abuse heaped upon them by society, former homosexuals

experience discrimination at every level. When a former homosexual marries
an opposite sex partner, that ex-gay is ridiculed by former friends. Ex-gays
find heterosexuals also reject them if their past is known because "Once gay,
always gay" is assumed. While gays can come out of the "closet," ex-gays are
forced to stay in theirs because of public prejudice. While gays gain sympathy
as victims, ex-gays are criticized and face life-long intolerance for simply
existing as living proof that homosexuality is not innate. Americans need to
face the real issue of bigotry -- oppression of ex-gays.

I’m happy being gay, so why should gays change their sexual
orientation?

Change is only for those with unwanted same-sex attractions. What makes you
happy may not make someone else happy because we are all individuals.
Please respect other people’s decisions for their lives. Ex-gays can testify to
the fact that those with unwanted homosexuality deserve the right to self-
determination and happiness based on their own needs, and not the needs of
others. According to the American Psychological Association, “[m]ental health
4
organizations call on their members to respect a person’s right to self-
determination.” (2008)

Do I have to dislike ex-gays if I have gay friends or family?

No! You can have friends who are gay and other friends who are ex-gay.
Befriending the ex-gay community does not mean that you are being disloyal
to the gay people you know and love.

What about gay teens and suicide that I’ve heard about?

Research shows that the risk of suicide decreases by 20% for each year that a
person delays homosexual or bisexual self-labeling. Suicide attempts were not
explained by experiences with discrimination, violence, loss of friendship, or
current personal attitudes towards homosexuality. (Source: Risk Factors for
Attempted Suicide in Gay and Bisexual Youth byRemafedi, Farrow, and
Deisher, in Official Journal of the American Academy of
Pediatrics, Pediatrics 87: 869-875 June 1991.)

Schools should not encourage teens to self-identify as “gay” before they have
matured. During adolescence, sexual attractions are fluid and do not take on
permanence until early adulthood. Rather than affirming teenagers as “gay”
through self-labeling, educators should affirm them as people worthy of
respect and encourage teens to wait until adulthood before making choices
about their sexuality. If teens are encouraged to believe that they are
permanently “gay” before they have had a chance to reach adulthood, their life
choices are severely restricted and can result in depression. Once a child self-
identifies as “gay,” he or she is stuck with that label because gay activists and
other heterophobic influences refuse to acknowledge that an individual can
leave homosexuality.

Suicide and suicidal behavior are not normal responses to stress. Research also
shows that the risk for suicide is associated with changes in brain chemicals
called neurotransmitters, including serotonin.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/suicide-in-the-us-statistics-and-
prevention/index.shtml

Why should schools present ex-gay information?

Schools that address the issue of sexual orientation must present all of the
facts in a fair and balanced manner. According to Public Schools and Sexual
Orientation Consensus Guidelines, school officials are urged to include the
viewpoints of all participants, including ex-gays and their supporters, in order
to develop policies that promote fairness for all. Actions by educators to
exclude some views merely because they disagree with them constitute
viewpoint discrimination in violation of the First Amendment. Therefore, the
ex-gay viewpoint in public schools is protected by the First Amendment and
should be heard. These guidelines are endorsed by the Gay, Lesbian and
Straight Education Network (GLSEN), American Association of School
Administrators, Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development, and
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the First Amendment Center. In addition, the National Educators Association
(NEA) Ex-Gay Educators Caucus endorses ex-gay equal access to schools.

How do sexual orientation laws and hate crime policies discriminate

against ex-gays?

Ex-gays are subject to an increasingly hostile environment where they are

labeled as perpetrators of hate and discrimination against homosexuals simply
because they advocate for or live out a different view of homosexuality.

Gay activists have created an environment where anyone who does not accept
homosexuality as equivalent to heterosexuality in every way is labeled a
“bigot” whose attitude equates to racism. Consequently, alternatives to
homosexuality are interpreted as harassment “against” gays. Sexual
orientation non-discrimination laws and hate crime policies are used to silence
the ex-gay community and legitimize intolerance against former homosexuals.
Fighting “hate” and “discrimination” against gays has become a euphemism for
attacks against ex-gays and their supporters. For example:

 Davis Ott of Madison, Wisconsin was charged with a hate crime because
he stated his own experience as a former homosexual.
 The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Educational Network (GLSEN) distributed
a booklet to every public school superintendent accusing former
homosexuals of “harassment” because ex-gay groups want the same
access to public schools that gay groups currently enjoy.
 Cornelius Baker, executive director of the Whitman Walker AIDS clinic,
labeled ex-gays as “political extremists” who “tortured and brainwashed”
teens, although he endorses gay outreach to questioning youth.
 After receiving “threats, insults and brutal letters” for running an
advertisement for an ex-gay book, Psychology Today editor Bob Epstein
acknowledged the “dark, intolerant, abusive side of the gay
community.”
 Orlando Commissioner Patty Sheehan denounced her fellow
commissioner for issuing a proclamation honoring an ex-gay organization
even though she herself freely makes proclamations celebrating “Gay
Days” every year at Disney World. Ms. Sheehan, an open lesbian, went
so far as to compare the ex-gay organization to the KKK, thereby
demeaning African-American ex-gays.
 Former Human Rights Campaign spokesperson Wayne Besen demanded
that New Jersey Family First fire employee Greg Quinlan because he
spoke about overcoming his homosexuality in a radio interview and the
fact that there is no DNA for homosexual behavior.

Former homosexual men and women, as well as their friends and family, feel
threatened because they are subjected to a hostile environment if they publicly
claim their former homosexuality or support of the ex-gay community.
Courageous men and women who have left their gay identity must not be
denied their Constitutional rights. To give sexual orientation protection to one
group while excluding another is outright discrimination.

6
Why must ex-gays be included in sexual orientation topics?

Ex-gays must be included in the formation of public policy because we have

much to contribute to the understanding of sexual orientation. Without
testimony from all sectors of society, public policy on this issue is seriously
flawed.

What is PFOX?

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) is a national non-profit

organization that supports families and educates the public on sexual
orientation & the ex-gay community. PFOX’s statement of principles is found
at www.pathinfo.org

PFOX supports an inclusive environment for the ex-gay community, and works
to eliminate negative perceptions and discrimination against former
homosexuals. PFOX conducts public education and outreach to further
individual self-determination and respect for all Americans, regardless of their
sexual orientation. Please join us in our journey for truth, tolerance, and
understanding.

Who are PFOX families?

PFOX families love their homosexual child unconditionally. Unlike other

organizations which insist that parental love is conditional on affirming
homosexual behavior, there are no conditions on our love for our children. We
do not have to approve of everything our children do. Blanket approval is not
responsible parenting or love. True love is loving in spite of our differences and
treating each other with kindness and respect.

Copyright © 2009 Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays (PFOX). All Rights
Reserved. Privacy

Q&A on Gender Identity Confusion -- Sexual Behavior Disorders

"I am a woman with a beard," testified the person at left at a public

hearing in favor of “gender identity” non-discrimination legislation. All three
people sitting at the table consider themselves to be female. (Photo
courtesy of Mass Resistance)

What does “transgender” mean?

The term Transgender is an umbrella term that includes transvestism and

transsexualtiy.
Medical professionals acknowledge that a Transgender condition is a Gender
Identity Disorde (GID).1 Gay activists purport that gender identity is defined
by how a person feels at any given moment. But [t]he fallacy in relying on the
subjective is that sex becomes merely a feeling. Human feeling, by definition
capricious, cannot be a standard upon which our judicial system relies – sex

7
cannot be determined by a balancing of masculine and feminine feelings.
Rather, sex must be determined by objective and immutable standards.”2

Transvestism involves an emotional need that requires a male to wear female

attire to meet a sexual need or reduce one's anxiety.

“Transvestism is not just cross-dressing. Cross-dressing, when a male dresses

as a female, can be part of a Halloween party, or some theatrical performance.
It can be a way of seducing or manipulating some male to participate sexually
with them who has no interest in homosexuality and thinks they're having
some romantic activity with a female. Wearing makeup and some effeminate
style of attire (but still clearly being a male) also is not transvestism.”3

Transvestic Fetishism -- intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges,

or behaviors
involving cross-dressing”4 “Often the cross-dressing results in collecting
female clothing and while cross-dressed masturbating and imagining himself to
be both the male subject as well as female object of his sexuality.” “The
transvestite…feels himself to be male and in the great majority of cases is
heterosexually identified.” 5

Transsexuals are transgender people who live or wish to live full time as
members of the gender opposite to their birth sex. Biological females who wish
to live and be recognized as men are called female-to-male (FTM) transsexuals
or transsexual men. Biological males who wish to live and be recognized as
women are called male-to-female (MTF) transsexuals or transsexual women.
Transsexuals usually seek medical interventions, such as hormones and
surgery, to make their bodies as congruent as possible with their preferred
gender. The process of transitioning from one gender to the other is called sex
reassignment or gender reassignment.

Cross-dressers or transvestites comprise the most numerous transgender

group. Cross-dressers wear the clothing of the other sex. They vary in how
completely they dress (from one article of clothing to fully cross-dressing) as
well as in their motives for doing so. Some cross-dress to express cross-gender
feelings or identities; others cross-dress for fun, for emotional comfort, or for
sexual arousal. The great majority of cross-dressers are biological males, most
of whom are sexually attracted to women.

Transsexuality is believing one’s body is of the wrong sex (e.g. “externally I

am male who inside is really a women that needs to be “changed” surgically
and hormonally to be a women.”)6 They may cross dress ‘for the purpose of
reflecting what they feel is their true gender identity.7

Transsexuality and Transvestic Fetishism are all chosen or compulsive

behaviors -- not genetics. They are no different from smoking, alcoholism,
drug addiction or other self-destructive behaviors. They are not a fixed
identity.8

8
Other categories of transgender people include: androgynous, bigendered, and
gender queer people.

What about the sexual orientation of Transgender people?

The great majority of cross-dressers are biological males, most of whom are
sexually attracted to women. Sexual orientation refers to one’s sexual
attraction to men, women, both, or neither, whereas gender identity refers to
one’s sense of oneself as male, female, or transgender. The American
Psychological Association has stated that “Usually people who are attracted to
women prior to transition continue to be attracted to women after transition,
and people who are attracted to men prior to transition continue to be
attracted to men after transition.” That means, for example, that a biologic
male who is attracted to females will continue to be attracted to females after
transitioning, whereupon he may then regard himself as a lesbian (“Help! I’m a
lesbian trapped in a woman’s body!”).

What is the difference between sex and gender?

Sex is determined by chromosomes. Sex is an immutable characteristic at

the time of birth. Webster’s New 20th Century Dictionary (2nd ed.1970) states
the initial definition of sex as “either of the two divisions of organisms
distinguished as male or female; males or females (especially men or women)
collectively.” “Male” is defined as “designating or of the sex that fertilizes the
ovum and begets offspring; opposed to female.” “Female” is defined as
“designating or of the sex that produces ova and bears offspring; opposed to
male.” The courts have found that “one’s sex is fixed at the moment of
conception” and that chromosomes should be the primary relevant factor in
determining sex. Chromosome testing is used to determine sex.

A person’s Gender is either male or female. We live in a binary world. Yet

gay activists say we can “think” our sex, so gender is what we think. When one
is confused about his gender/sex, the medical community, psychiatrists and
psychologists acknowledge this confusion as a disordered mental condition
called ‘gender dysphoria’ or ‘gender identity disorder (GID).’ These gender
confused individuals are commonly referred to as “transgenders.” They feel as
if they are trapped in the body of the wrong gender; however, they retain the
sexual orientation of their birth sex. As one transactivist wrote, "gender-
identity is the manner in which we think of ourselves, our internal conviction
about being men or women, male or female, masculine or feminine (and both
or neither)."9

Describing gender cannot be simply a ‘perception’ or a ‘feeling.’ “Subjective

mental thoughts about sex/gender are too amorphous to use as a baseline to
establish sex.”10

Is hormone therapy and sexual reassignment surgery a successful and

safe treatment?

Sex Reassignment Surgery

9
Mutilating the body's internal sex organs and external genitalia does not
change a person's sex. “In the eyes of the law, sex, like race, is and must be
immutable and fixed at birth.”11

In 1960, Johns Hopkins was the first U.S. medical facility involved in sex
reassignment
procedures. The program was discontinued in 1979 after Dr. Jon Meyer
published his long-term follow-up report of adult transsexuals treated at Johns
Hopkins. None of the post-operatives showed measurable improvement in their
lives. "Sex re-assignment surgery confers no objective advantage …" Meyer
concluded.

Dr. Paul McHugh, chairman of the Johns Hopkins Department of Psychiatry and
University Distinguished Service Professor of Psychiatry, criticized the
procedures as "the most radical therapy ever encouraged by 20th-century
psychiatrists," comparing it to the discredited frontal lobotomy. Dr. McHugh,
contends that "sex change" surgeries hurt rather than heal those struggling
with their sexual identity.

"We psychiatrists, I thought, would do better to concentrate on trying to fix

their minds and not their genitalia," McHugh wrote of "transgendered" patients
in his First Things article 'Surgical Sex' at
http://www.firstthings.com/article.php3?id_article=398 "I have witnessed a
great deal of damage from sex-reassignment. The children transformed from
their male constitution into female roles suffered prolonged distress and misery
as they sensed their natural attitudes. Their parents usually lived with guilt
over their decisions-second-guessing themselves and somewhat ashamed of
the fabrication, both surgical and social, they had imposed on their sons."

"As for the adults who came to us claiming to have discovered their 'true'
sexual identity and to have heard about sex-change operations, we
psychiatrists have been distracted from studying the causes and natures of
their mental misdirections by preparing them for surgery and for a life in the
other sex. We have wasted scientific and technical resources and damaged our
professional credibility by collaborating with madness rather than trying to
study, cure, and ultimately prevent it," added McHugh.

There are serious physical health risks as well. Post-surgical complications in

genetic females include prominent chest wall scars, and in genetic males,
vaginal strictures, rectovaginal fistulas, urethral stenoses, and misdirected
urinary streams.

Hormone therapy

“Medical Side Effects. Side effects in biologic males treated with estrogens
may include
increased propensity to blood clotting (venous thrombosis with a risk of fatal
pulmonary
embolism), development of benign pituitary prolactinomas, infertility, weight
gain, emotional lability and liver disease. Side effects in biologic females
10
treated with testosterone may include infertility, acne, emotional lability
(including the potential for major depression), increases in sexual desire, shift
of lipid profiles to male patterns which increase the risk of cardiovascular
disease, and the potential to develop benign and malignant liver tumors and
hepatic dysfunction. Patients with medical problems or otherwise at risk for
cardiovascular disease may be more likely to experience serious or fatal
consequences of cross-sex hormonal treatments. For example, cigarette
smoking, obesity, advanced age, heart disease, hypertension, clotting
abnormalities, malignancy, and some endocrine abnormalities are relative
contraindications for the use of hormonal treatment. Therefore, some patients
may not be able to tolerate cross-sex hormones.”12

“Some complications include water and sodium retention, increased

erythopoiesis, decreased carbohydrate tolerance, decreased serum high-
density lipoprotein (HDL) cholesterol, liver enzyme abnormalities occur,
obesity, emotional or psychiatric problems, and sleep apnea.”13 “Androgen
treatment in a male-to-female transsexual can cause recurrent myocardial
infarction.”14

The effects of hormones drugs are not reversible. When young people
halt their puberty
before their bodies have developed, and then take cross-hormones for a few
years, they'll
probably be infertile. Yet only 20% of "transgendered" children continue to
experience gender confusion into adulthood.15

Psychotherapy
There is a strong correlation between sexual abuse and GID.16 According to
one counselor, “80% of the transgenders he’s treated were molested as
children. Transgenders also suffer from feelings of rejection and enter into a
fantasy life…”17 “The diagnosis of GID is itself a changing diagnosis since some
children diagnosed with GID may later in life display few, if any, symptoms.”18

Are there any ex-transgenders?

There are many cases of people who no longer feel that they are trapped
inside the wrong body. With self-determination, therapy, medication, or
support from their loved ones, a person can overcome this disorder and live a
life of their birth sex. Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays (PFOX) raises
funds for reversal surgeries and breast explants of former transgenders. Read
one such story at ttp://pfox.org/Former_Transgender_Tells_His_Story.html

Is gender confusion a mental disorder?

Transgenderism is a disturbed mental condition -- a person’s distorted view of

reality, not a fixed identity. Even men who undergo sex reassignment surgery
still remain men – they cannot conceive children or menstruate and must
undergo a continuous regiment of hormone pills to overcome their inborn
masculinity. They are so strongly attracted to the opposite sex that that is

11
what they want to be. They believe they can become the opposite sex by
chopping off their body parts and substituting opposite body parts.

A psychological condition is considered a mental disorder if it causes distress or

disability. This distressing feeling of incongruity is called ‘gender dysphoria.’
According to the diagnostic standards of American psychiatry, as set forth in
the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, people who
experience intense, persistent gender dysphoria can be given the diagnosis of
Gender Identity Disorder.”19

The American Psychiatric Association states in the Statistical Manual of Mental

Disorders that people who feel their gender identity is incongruent with their
birth sex or with the gender role associated with that sex is classified as
gender dysphoria.20

Transvestic fetishism (behavior by cross-dressers and transvestites) is defined

by the mental health professional's handbook, the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, text revision (2000), which is also
called DSM-IV-TR, as one of the paraphilias. The paraphilias are a group of
mental disorders characterized by obsession with unusual sexual practices or
with sexual activity involving non-consenting or inappropriate partners (such
as children or animals). The essential feature of transvestic fetishism is
recurrent intense sexual urges and sexually arousing fantasies involving
dressing in clothing associated with members of the opposite sex.

Transvestic Fetishism American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and

Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder, DSM-IV, fourth Edition, p574,
http://www.mental-health-today.com/gender/dsm.htm --

“The paraphiliac focus of Transvestic Fetishism involves cross-dressing by a

male in women’s attire. In many or most case female (referred to as
“autogynephilia”). These images can range from being a women with female
genitalia to that of a view of the self fully dressed as a woman with no real
attention to genitalia. Women’s garments are arousing primarily as symbols of
the individual’s femininity, not as fetishes with specific objective properties
(e.g. objects made of rubber). Usually the male with Transvestic Fetishism
keeps a collection of female clothes that he intermittently uses to cross-dress.
This disorder has been described only in heterosexual males. Transvestic
Fetishism is not diagnosed when cross-dressing occurs exclusively during the
course of Gender Identity Disorder. Transvestic pheomena range from
occasional solitarywearing of female clothes to extensive involvement in a
transvestic subculture. Some males wear a single item of women’s apparel
(e.g. underwear or hosiery) under their masculine attire. Other males
withTransvestic Fetishism dress entirely as females and wear makeup. The
degree to which the cross-dressed individual successfully appears to be a
female varies, depending on mannerisms, body habitus, and crossdressing
skill. When not cross-dressed, the male with Transvestic Fetishism is usually
unremarkably masculine. Although his basic preference is heterosexual, he
tends to have few sexual partners and may have engaged in occasional
homosexual acts. An associated feature may be the present of Sexual
12
Masochism. The disorder typically begins with cross-dressing as childhood or
early adolescence. In many cases, the cross-dressing is not done in public until
adulthood. The initial experience may involve partial or total cross-dressing;
partial cross-dressing often progresses to complete cross-dressing. A favored
article of clothing may become erotic in itself and may be used habitually, first
in masturbation and later in intercourse. In some individuals, the motivation
for cross-dressing may change over time, temporarily or permanently, with
sexual arousal in response to the cross-dressing, diminishing or disappearing.
In such instances, the cross-dressing becomes an antidote to anxiety or
depressing or contributes to a sense of peace and calm. In other individuals,
gender dysphoria may emerge, especially under situational stress with or
without symptoms of depression. For a small number of individuals, the gender
dysphoria becomes a fixed part of the clinical picture and is accompanied by
the desire to dress and live permanently as a female and to seek hormonal or
surgical reassignment. Individuals with Transvestic Fetishism often seek
treatment when gender dysporia emerges. The subtype With Gender Dysphoria
is provided to allow the clinician to note the presence of gender dysphoria as
part of Transvestic Fetishism.”

Should laws be passed to protect “transgenders” from discrimination?

Legal protection against discrimination based on mental illness is not provided
for any other disorder. Those who wish to assume a “gender identity” contrary
to their biological sex are in need of mental health treatment to overcome such
disturbed thinking, not legislation to affirm it. “Gender identity” legislation
endangers the physical and mental health of the very people it is trying to
protect. Physically mutilating the mentally ill is not the answer. For example,
will healthy limb amputation, another mental disorder known as Body Integrity
Identity Disorder (BIID), be the next protected class? (See Newsweek story:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/138932)

Nor should we encourage men and women to consume life-long hormones in a

daily battle to overcome their natural biology. Hormones cannot change the
chromosomes that determine one’s sex.

Abolishing gender and making believe it doesn’t really matter for the rest of
the population is also not the answer. One goal sought by gay groups is to
ensure that transgenders of all types have legal access to the public bathroom
of their choice, regardless of their actual birth sex. See
http://www.transgenderlawcenter.org/pdf/PIP%20Resource%20Guide.pdf This
can make public bathrooms and dressing rooms unsafe for women and
children. It is a huge step backwards for women’s rights.

After disrupting their bodies with radical surgery and hormone pills,
transgenders approach PFOX for help in leaving the transgender lifestyle. They
need funds for gender affirming therapy, reversal surgery, and breast
explants. If legislators want to protect transgenders, they can start by giving
them the therapy they need.

What about “Intersex”?

13
Intersex is an extremely rare phenomenon associated with physical birth
anomalies and can not be compared with the psycho-social psychiatric
condition known as 'Gender Identity Disorder.' Intersex is a birth anomaly
while transgenderism is a psychiatric disorder.

Are children being encouraged to become transgender activists?

Yes, in a trend sweeping schools across the country, heavily funded gay groups
are promoting gender identity activism. For example, see the Gay Straight
Alliance’s Beyond the Binary – A Tool Kit for Gender Identity Activism in
Schools at
http://www.transgenderlawcenter.org/pdf/beyond_the_binary.pdf

Where I can get more information about GID?

http://www.realityresources.com/
http://www.parakaleo.co.uk/
www.syrogers.com
www.gendermenders.org
http://help4families.com
http://transgenderintlfellowship.googlepages.com/home
www.tgifhope.org
http://groups.myspace.com/extransexaul
http://www.biid.org
http://law.bepress.com/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=8309&context=expresso --
legal
www.pfox.org

[This Q&A was compiled by PFOX at www.pfox.org pfox@pfox.org ]

1 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text

Revision (Washington: American Psychiatric Association, 2000).
2 Kate Bornstein, MY GENDER WORKBOOK: HOW TO BECOME A REAL MAN, A
REAL WOMAN, THE REAL YOU, OR SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY 8
(Routledge,1998).
3 Sander Breiner, MD
4 (p. 575) "Paraphilias," Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,
Fourth Edition, Text Revision (Washington: American Psychiatric Association,
2000).
5 Dr. Brian Leggiere, Transvestic Fetishism: Alternate Life-Style or Narcissistic
Disturbance?
6 Sander Breiner, MD
7 Dr. Brian Leggiere, Transvestic Fetishism: Alternate Life-Style or Narcissistic
Disturbance?
8 Matt Staver
9 (Singer, 1997)
10 Matt Staver, J.D.
http://law.bepress.com/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=8309&context=expresso
11 Matt Staver, J.D.,
12 The International Journal of Transgenderism, IX. Hormone Therapy for
Adults Volume 2, Number 2, April – June 1998
http://www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtc0405l.htm
14
13 Walter Futterweit, Endocrine Therapy of Transsexualism and Potential
Complications of Long-term Treatment, 27 ARCHIVE OF SEXUAL BEHAVIOR
209-18 (1998)
14 Jose’ Biller, et al., Ischemic Cerebrovascular Disease and Hormone Therapy
for Infertility and
Transsexualism, 45 NEUROLOGY 1611, 1612 (1995); H. Asscheman et al.,
Mortality and Morbidity in Transsexual Patients with Cross-Gender Hormone
Treatment, 38 METABOLISM 869 (1989).
15 Dr. Norman Spack, Boston Children’s Hospital
16 Bradley, et al., Gender Identity Disorder: A Review of the Past 10 Years, 37
J. AM. ACAD. CHILD ADOLESC. PSYCH. at 878; Bernd Meyenburg, Gender
Identity Disorder in Adolescence: Outcomes of Psychotherapy, 34
ADOLESCENCE 2-6 (1999); Max Sugar, A Clinical Approach to Childhood
Gender Identity Disorder, 49 AM. J. OF PSYCHOTHERAPY 260 (1995).
17 Jerry Leach, counselor in Lexington, Kentucky, CrossOver Ministries
18 George A. Rekers, Childhood Sexual Identity Disorders, 15 MED. ASPECTS
OF HUMAN SEXUALITY, 141 (1981); George A. Rekers, ed., HANDBOOK OF
CHILD AND ADOLESCENT SEXUAL PROBLEMS 3-13 (New York: N.Y.: Lexington
Books of Macmillan/Simon & Schuster, 1995). See also George A Rekers,
Gender Identity
Disorder of Childhood, in David G. Benner, ed., BAKER’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF
PSYCHOLOGY 446-48 (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1985).
19 American Psychological Association
20 American Psychiatric Association Handbook of Mental Disorders full text:
http://www.mental-healthtoday.
com/gender/dsm.htm

OUR STORIES

Christopher's Story

I was raised in a Christian home with a very supportive family, and was the
youngest of three children. We were middle-class, and by today’s standards,
probably lower middle-class, but I didn’t know it. My parents provided all that I
ever needed, but what they couldn’t provide was protection from my own
extended family.

When I was nine years old, my 2 female cousins came to live with us because
their father had to go to Iraq to serve in the first Gulf War. During that time, I
grew very close to my older cousin, who was about 13 years old at the time.
We were best friends; we did everything together, and grew very close. During
that year, there were many children in our small house, and unfortunately, my
parents had a hard time monitoring all of us and giving us the attention we
needed. One night, when my cousins and I had a sleepover in their room, the
sexual abuse began. For about a year, my cousin, who was going through
puberty at the time, molested me about once a week. I knew something wasn’t
right, but I wasn’t in the position of power, and a part of me also liked it. I
wasn’t getting enough attention from my parents, and it felt good to be close
to my cousin in this way.

15
When my uncle returned from Iraq the next year and my female cousins left, I
was terribly confused and forced to make sense of all of these sexual feelings,
before I had even gone through puberty. I tried to have sex with the little girls
that my mother watched in her daycare, and eventually, one of the girls told
her parents what I was doing. The shame that was placed on me from my
parents was more than I could bear. Rather than rescue me, teach me, and
put me in counseling, the “bad boy” was left alone to deal with all of this
shame. At that point, I subconsciously rejected my father and detached from
him. At 10 years old, I rejected the masculine role model in my life, and my
growth as a man stopped. I was stuck. In Alan Meddinger’s book “Growth into
Manhood” he describes the seven stages of growth that a boy undergoes from
childhood, to puberty, to adolescence, to manhood. When I was sexually
abused, my growth stopped in between childhood and puberty.

Throughout adolescence I struggled with same-sex attraction and sexual

addiction. Any way I could receive love, with girls or boys, I would take it. I
soon learned that boys, however, were a lot easier to have sex with than girls.
While I had girlfriends throughout high school, I took every opportunity with
another struggling or gay boy that I knew to have a sexual relationship with.
This pattern continued through high school and into college. Meanwhile, I
desperately wanted to change my unwanted same-sex attraction, but all of the
praying to God just didn’t work.

After graduating college, I moved down to the Washington DC area and began
working. That fall, I got involved with a weekly Bible study with the other
young men in my church. Coming to DC, I had a new start. These men didn’t
judge me, they didn’t know my struggles; they treated me like I was just “one
of the guys”…something that I never really felt in high school or college. I
finally managed to have healthy, same-sex relationships that were not erotic.
The more I viewed these guys in a non-sexual way and received their
acceptance, the more I healed.

Some time that fall, I remember saying to myself, “I no longer feel sexually
attracted to men.” That was only the beginning, however; I now was able to
continue my growth into manhood, which had stopped at the age of 10 and
now began again at 23. Two years later, I met a beautiful woman who
accepted me and my past, and we fell in love and were married three years
ago. My dream of being married and living a heterosexual life had come true.
Last year my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy, and we just celebrated his
first birthday last week. Since coming out of homosexuality, I have gone
through support programs, counseling, couples therapy, mentoring, and
continue to celebrate my recovery in a weekly support group with other men
with similar issues. I am a living testimony that change is possible!

I know that my calling is to help other persons with unwanted same-sex

attraction (SSA) to come out, heal, and become the men and women they
have always wanted to be. I am currently getting my master’s degree in
professional counseling, and will begin interning as a therapist, counseling
others who struggle with SSA.

16
Christopher

Frank tells his story

The turning point came to me back in the late 1990's. For a while up until
then, I was a gay male actively pursuing conquests of any kind. I strictly kept
it exclusively with those I knew and not with strangers. The turning point
happened when I just did not enjoy it anymore and all that it was simply
addiction to oral sex.

I never went all the way. Oral Sex was as far as I went and it was because for
that long that I did, it did give me a pleasurable feeling all over my body and it
also gave me a feeling of satisfaction. But then the reality will always set in
and you will feel as empty as you were before performing the sexual act. That
is why I kept doing it because of the feeling that I got as well as the feeling of
fullness that I received afterwards gave me that certain feeling of satisfaction.
That is why I found it difficult to resist because of the pseudo positive feelings
that I got from performing the act.

Also, it was also because of selfishness. Not on my part but on the part of the
other guys. Those guys would always come to me and ask me to perform oral
sex and when I refused because I really did not want to do it anymore, they
would resort to begging or even worse, expose their erections and I would give
in and perform. This went on for years. I was being used as a plaything for
these selfish guys and I felt powerless because of this.

Even though I was not performing anything sexual for a long time, the
feelings, cravings, desires and all other sorts of related things regarding them
kept coming back and I would always feel miserable because due to public
opinion regarding Homosexuality/Gayness, I felt that there was nothing that
could be done about my homosexuality and so I would always wish that I was
dead.

Then I started reading ex-gay books. Finally, I felt that a twenty ton weight
had been lifted off of my shoulders. I was finally getting answers. I felt better.

But it did take me years to find out about change. I even went to psychologists
as well as psychiatrists where I only got frustrated because they kept telling
me the same old thing: "You Are Gay. It Is Natural. There's Nothing That You
Can Do About It. Embrace It And Live It. Forget About Ever Changing It." I
could not do that! It would've only made me miserable if I did. I kept going
because something always kept telling me that there was a way out.

As a wise man once said: "Persistance and Perserverance Pays Off." I do have
to agree. Because I typed in the Yahoo search engine this question: "Can Gay
Men Go Straight?" I got over 10,000 entries and the one that caught my eye
was the entry that had the link to the book entitled You Don't Have To Be Gay
by Jeff(Bud) Konrad. I ordered it via Amazon and read it. It opened my eyes.
Nearly two decades of questions were finally answered.

17
I have also read some other books, not directly dealing with
Homosexuality/Gayness/SSA, but can be a help to people that are struggling
with it. Below are the books that I have read:

Absent Fathers, Lost Sons: The Search For Masculine Identity by Guy Corneau

Healing The Unaffirmed: Recognizing Emotional Deprivation Disorder by

Conrad Baars and Anna Terruwe

Your Inner Child Of The Past by W.Hugh Misseldine(sp)

I had an absent father. I only spent a brief time with him when I was 8-9 years
old. It was the worst experience. He was a religious fanatic who never gave me
love. Only punishment. Each and every time that I made a mistake, he slapped
me around. He expected perfection but when he did not get it, he let me have
it. The rest of my life, he was never around and I was lost in the world because
of it.

--Frank

My Testimony to the World

by an Ex-gay Teen

I came from a family of two church-going parents and three siblings. I was the
eldest of four sons. Taught about God since the age of accountability, I was
ready to face the world right? I thought so. Then it happened. I heard the
words that every teenager doesn’t want to hear at 15. My parents were getting
a divorce. At first I thought it was just going to pass and everything would get
better, but I was wrong. In fact, everything had just begun to “hit the fan” and
my life would be turned upside down. My life would never be the same again.

I was hurt emotionally and in need of personal attention. With the divorce
happening, my family didn’t have time for me anymore or so I thought. My
Dad had never made an effort to have a relationship with me, but I still loved,
respected, and believed in him. However, now because of the divorce I didn’t
believe in him anymore, and my respect for him was lost. I started blaming
God for my parents’ problems and for allowing my Dad to turn away from Him.
I turned my back on God and walked away. Just like my Dad had done. I had
decided to take matters regarding my life into my own hands. Taking control of
my life felt good for the moment. However when I got stuck, I lost control.

I needed attention, love, acceptance, and most of all, fulfillment of a void in

my life. I then chose to turn to males for that. I found that in a relationship
with a male I got everything I needed. At age 15 I chose to become gay. I was
turned on to everything. I had sexual relations with 10 men, got involved with
drinking alcohol, did a couple of drugs, and looked at porn on the internet. I
got my personal gratification from being around those things. It was my way of
life. I found who I thought I was in relationships with men. I had suddenly
found my identity in the heart of the world.

18
At age 16 I fell in love with a man named David. I met David through a church
function. My mom and a friend of hers sang in our church choir. The church
choir was recording a song and wanted me to help get food and do other
errands when needed. My mom’s friend brought David along. That is when our
friendship started. It wasn't until a month later that we came "out" to each
other and started a relationship. We had a great relationship together and it
seemed like nothing could tear us apart. But David ended our relationship
abruptly and without any warning. David had no reason as to why or when he
decided to feel that way. It just happened. Broken hearted and emotionally
spent, I sought for something to satisfy the void that had just been created in
my life. I turned to pornography and its instant gratification. It worked for a
short time and then became a boring habit. It didn’t stop there, however, that
and other upcoming issues continued to plague my life.

I had just turned 17 and I felt on top of the world, like nothing could stop me.
I was a “man” now and I could do my own things. I could make my decisions
without anyone’s help. I felt special. My uncle had been talking for couple
years about this festival called “Burning Man”. I wasn’t quite sure what to think
of it. All I had heard from him was that it was all about art. However, what I
didn’t understand was that wasn’t all and anything goes there. I finally made
my decision, I wanted to go and not even my parents were going to stop me. I
lied to my parents and told them I was going to go on a trip to visit some
really neat hot springs.

I left thinking no one would ever figure it out. The festival seemed really neat
at the time and I felt like a free man. I could make my choices and do
whatever I wanted and no one really cared. I could drink, do drugs, smoke,
have sex, and be accepted. I drank heavily, did one drug called ecstasy, got
into smoking cigarettes, and had unprotected sex for the first time. I thought it
was okay, but I still felt guilty, why? I knew what I did was wrong and sooner
or later I knew it would catch up to me. My parents eventually did find out and
everything came out into the open. I can’t tell you how much it changed my
heart to be finally open with my parents and others around me.

My mom suggested that I go to this new ex-gay therapist she had heard
about. For the next couple of months I “tried out” this therapist and I finally
decided I was going to stay there and get myself some help. He was pretty
cool and to this day he still is. I was able to get my feelings out about my
parents’ divorce, my time at Burning Man, my sexual identity crisis, and my
relationship with Christ.

Then it started. God made it possible for me to go to a winter camp with my

youth group at church through a guy at my church name Dustin. He suggested
that I go and help out the tech group that was going. I went there afraid that I
would be preached at the whole time. And not knowing anyone was making it
worse to think about. I was inwardly afraid of something I had been brought
up in. I soon realized it wasn’t the youth group I was afraid of, it was God. I
had hid from Him for so long I couldn’t stand to be around people who wanted
to proclaim Him and worship Him. To think I was going to spend the whole
weekend with them! I finally realized by the second day that I desperately
19
needed God in my life and it needed to happen then. I got down on my knees
and told God I wanted Him to meet me face to face there. He did and to this
day my life has never been the same. I was immediately filled with a joy only
God can give. I felt complete and whole for the first time in my life.

From then on I pledged my life over to God and gave Him complete control of
my life. It wasn’t always easy after that to keep the faith because of worldly
pressures, but I finally had my true identity. I had finally found the love,
acceptance, attention, and fulfillment I had so desperately needed. I can
honestly say, “not my will, but Yours be done.” I am still 17. I am out at school
though. People who have heard from others have asked me about it. They ask
me about my past and how I used to be. I simply reply that I was and God has
done away with my past sin and as my only savior, I can attest to Him being
my Rock and my Redeemer. I am, with Gods grace and mercy, a believer, with
true repentance to prove it. After that, they usually ask a lot of questions. I
find that God uses my past as an awesome witnessing tool many times.

Nowadays I remember that when things get tough God told us, “Trust in the
Lord with all your heart; and do not lean on your own understanding. In all
your ways acknowledge Him; and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs
3:5,6) Also I remember that faith does not make it easy, but it does make it
possible!

Your little Brother in Christ,

Charles

Gaydar

Some people call it "gaydar" but what it really is about is us recognizing that
same brokenness in others because of our identifying spirits. There are times I
can just look at someone and because of what I've dealt with I can look at
them and tell right away that they have SSA (same-sex attractions) before I
even talk to them. Then after further investigation I find out that indeed they
were or are struggling with homosexuality.

I am not the kind of person with SSA who is determined to lead an "alternate"
lifestyle. I desperately want to change. I have always been distant, especially
from my father. When I was younger, my dad had a lot of growing up to do
still.

He's the greatest now, but back then, he used to have a short temper. He
would occasionally beat my mom in my presence. Being an only child until the
age of six, I have been pretty close to my mom.

To see ANYONE hurt her made me want to hate that person no matter what he
was to me. Behind the tears, screams, shouts and calls to the cops, I told
myself over and over again that I didn't want to ever be like my dad in any
way. This period of abuse didn't last very long. My dad got help and he hasn't
even so much as raised his voice to my mom since I was like 6 or 7 (like I said

20
he's a great guy now). However, this promise that I kept in the back of my
mind stuck there.

I never wanted to like sports because my dad liked sports, I never wanted to
do anything my dad liked because I didn't want to relate to him. It took a long
time, but I am now very close to my dad. Even though we are close now, what
happened in the past has caused damage that still needs quite a bit of
work.....but we'll get there.

My parents found out about me completely on accident. I am not at all the

flamboyant or effeminate type, so they really had no idea. When I turned 18, I
met a guy who I thought I fell in love with. He seemed to understand me in
every way possible. When I met him, I figured I wanted him in my life forever.
You see, by 18, I had already accepted my "new lifestyle".

I was influenced by other gay peers that I was born like this, it wasn't my
fault, don't blame myself, this is the way god made me so don't think that god
will be mad if I lead this life and basically just find myself a "man" and live
your life happily ever after. I was so wrong. His name was Roger.

He had written me a "love" letter which I had shoved in the glove box of my
truck. One day, I lent my dad my truck to haul some furniture and he got
pulled over.

He naturally reached in the glove box and pulled everything out to look for my
registration and insurance. He noticed a letter in there. When he got home, as
I guess any parent wanting to know what was going on in his son's life, he
read the letter.

Horrified, he told my mom.

My mom confronted me in tears. I confessed that I was "Bi" and we cried in

her room for hours. I told her that this was who I was and that she was just
going to have to accept it. She did her own research and found a lot of
information on the views of a man by the name of Dr. Nicolosi. To make a long
story short, she convinced me that I wasn't born like this and that I could
change. In fact she told me that she would never accept that I will always be
gay.

At first this was hard, but after a while I knew what she meant. After a while I
did my own research on the topic and have read a few books, one of them -
my favorite,"You Don't Have to be GAY" by Jeff Conrad. This book has virtually
destroyed any doubts I had that I could change.

I know that I could go to my mom now about anything on this topic and she
would be completely supportive. That helps a lot. Although my dad knows
about my situation,he never alienated himself for me in anyway or treated me
differently. That also means a lot.

21
He's never confronted me about it directly, but when he talks to me or gives
me advice, he'll bring it up but in disguise. Like, he'll tell me that I can change
myself in anyway, or I can be whoever I want to be. This is ok too, but what
I'm trying to say is don't let your son do this on his own. Always be sure to let
him know in one way or another that you still believe in him because believe
me, it helps.

At the time I only believed there are gays, straights, and bi’s, that anyone who
says they can or might change is only lying to themselves and trying to
suppress who they really are to please the world. This is what I mean by the
hardest 1st obstacle.

This is also the same controversial argument that anti-ex-gays use to attack
people who want to change or who want to get other people to change. You
see, people who are convinced that they are born gay and will always be gay
have already adopted the fact that they can't change; they have already
accepted themselves and are simply,constantly seeking comfort. Anyone who
says that change is possible is attacking their realm of comfort because these
people are basically saying that they are wrong.

I can agree that suppressing your feelings only pleases the rest of the world
and not yourself. This is so true, but he's missing the whole point. The whole
point is to not suppress your gay feelings, but to get rid of them. I know this
sounds ridiculous to someone who is actively gay, but it is possible.

Anyone who merely suppresses their feelings are not turned around. You know
that you are turned around when you truly no longer have these feelings.

This is going to take a long time, but it will happen if you pursue it. I know
because I'm almost there. It has been a year an a half since I've started my
journey, but to be honest, I have had sex with another guy a couple months
ago.

During sex, I found that there wasn't anything there anymore. I just kept
telling myself that as soon as this guy finishes, it will all be over. I just wanted
it to end because I no longer "felt it".

Friends that know about my situation have told me how much change they've
noticed in my attitude towards life. I can now go out with my guy friends and
pick up on girls without feeling awkward. Although, a good looking guy will still
turn me on at first glance.....it is only at first glance.

I never even think of how it would be like to be in bed with this guy like I used
to. I know I still have some ways to go
to get rid of this, but I know I am progressing and if you put your foot down
like I did, you will progress too. It takes time, but it is possible. I hope this
helps a little and sorry this is so long.

-Jimmy-

22
Greg’s story
Greg Quinlan Bio
Greg Quinlan is the President of Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays
(PFOX), a non-profit organization providing outreach, education, and public
awareness in support of families and the ex-gay community.

As a former gay activist, Greg Quinlan promoted the homosexual agenda in

Washington DC and his home state of Ohio for over 10 years. As a Registered
Nurse, Greg witnessed over 100 of his friends and acquaintances lose their
lives to AIDS. Greg departed from homosexuality in 1993 and has since shared
his compelling testimony on the 700 Club, TBN, countless radio programs and
has been quoted in USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times,
and WorldNet Daily, to name only a few. Greg now boldly stands in the public
square proclaiming, “Homosexuality doesn’t have to last a lifetime. Ex-Gays
prove change is possible.” Greg has successfully debated a person’s right to
selfdetermination.

Greg has also defended marriage as "the union of one man and one woman" in
Ohio, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia, Delaware, Kentucky,
Louisiana, Florida, Michigan, Mississippi, Alabama, North Carolina, Georgia,
New Jersey, New York, Maryland, Massachusetts and the District of Columbia.
Greg Quinlan now works with the New Jersey Family Policy Council to protect
natural marriage.

As a Board member of Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX), Greg
presented a resolution to the shareholders of PepsiCo to bring accountability
regarding their charitable donations to gay activist organizations that promote
intolerance against the ex-gay community. Greg has also spoken before the
Disney Board of Directors asking them to support a resolution to include ex-
gays in the company’s mandatory sexual orientation diversity training for
employees.

Greg also provides teens with insight into this complex issue of sexual
orientation that is not made available through the mainstream media or the
culture at large. Both his contributions to the teen community and his
experience leaving the homosexual way of life will dramatically impact those
who hear his story!

Greg’s speaking topics include:

• Diversity includes former homosexuals
• Civil rights or special rights for gays?
• Is change possible? Sexual orientation and the ex-gay community
• Intolerance against ex-gays by gay activists
• Is homosexuality genetic?
• Why I left the homosexual lifestyle and culture
• AIDS, HIV and other STD’s
• Why genderless marriage is wrong for society
• How Christians can lovingly respond to their gay neighbor
• Corporate funding of gay organizations that promote ex-gay intolerance
23
Contact: Greg Quinlan
pfox@pfox.org

Below are excerpts from two published articles about Greg:

Ethics & Religion

Causes & Cures of Homosexuality

by Michael J. McManus, President of Marriage Savers and a columnist
May 24, 2006
What causes homosexuality? Are people born homosexual?

Last week the New Jersey Family Policy Council answered those
questions by inviting Greg Quinlan, an ex-gay, to speak to clergy in
six cities.

His testimony begins with his father, "who was Archie Bunker" in
manner, but unlike Archie, was physically abusive, beating his son so
badly he was hospitalized twice. One day at age 8, in front of his
friends, Greg asked his dad, "You hate me, don't you?" His dad cursed
and replied, "Yes, I hate you." Greg sighed, "I knew that."

When Greg was 9 he "professed his faith in Jesus Christ. "But as

things got worse, at age 10, a boy across the street, aged 13,
introduced me to sex. I knew it was wrong, but what I got was
affirmation, affection, approval and someone touching me who was not
beating me up.

I got involved in pornography, discos, the homosexual lifestyle. I

was very, very sexually promiscuous. It is the providence of God that
I, at age 47, am HIV free."

As a registered nurse he volunteered to care for 100 men who died of

AIDS before he stopped counting. Quinlan went to their funerals,
reading their favorite Bible verses.

He joined the Human Rights Campaign, responsible for raising tens of

thousands of dollars for one of the largest and most effective
lobbies in Washington, which persuaded Congress to invest in AIDS
research. "They taught me how to lobby. But what the devil trained me
to do, God can use for His glory," he told pastors.

Quinlan started watching the 700 Club.

At first, he wanted to "reach through the set and strangle Pat

Robertson. But he saw an ex-gay on the show who shared how he left
the lifestyle. "EX-GAY?" he asked himself. "How is that possible? But
I hated my life. There is pleasure in sin for a season, but I wanted
out."

He called a Christian friend across the country and asked him to lead
24
him in making a re- commitment to Christ. When Quinlan prayed the
sinner's prayer, "I had peace." He started going to church.

At age 35, Greg's father, who was dying due to smoking, asked his
son, the RN, to care for him. One day Greg told his dad, "I can't be
here tomorrow, due to work." His father who had undergone a deathbed
conversion, replied, "That's OK. I love you, Greg."

He was stunned. Prompted by a nurse, he replied, "I love you too,

Dad." He died the next day. When Greg started on a path of truly
forgiving his father, his anger and bitterness left - along with his
homosexual desires. "I had a lot of reason to be angry. Threequarters
of gays were molested at an early age, like me. Now sex
education is telling kids, homosexuality is normal."

He started a ministry in Dayton, the Pro Family Network, which

lobbied for passage of Ohio's one man, one woman Marriage Amendment.
He's been on the 700 Club four times, with his wife. As a result, he
has received death threats, which frighten her.

He answers gay critics who charge that Jesus never said anything
about homosexuality: "Look at Matthew 19, in answer to the Pharisees.
Jesus replies, 'Haven't you heard, at the beginning, the Creator made
them male and female.' Stop there. Not Adam and Steve, or Eve and
Edith, but man and woman. 'For this reason a man will leave his
father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will
become one.' They had sex. That's how we all got here. Jesus is
quoting Genesis, and he can because he was there," he says to
applause.

"There is no biological evidence, not one repeatable study, not a

single genetic test that gives any validity to homosexual behavior as
a "born" trait. No one is born Gay, no one! Homosexuality is an
emotional disorder, a pathology that can be and has been effectively
changed when a person is highly motivated."

A woman once challenged him: "If we find a gay gene, then you will
have to accept it."

"No, I won't," he countered. "Last week I heard they discovered a

gene that causes hereditary breast cancer. You think that if there is
a gay gene, homosexuals should embrace their homosexuality.
Then she should accept her cancer, and embrace it. NO! That's
nonsense. If diabetes has a gene, we seek to cure it. If there is a
gay gene, let's work to cure it."

"Remember Scripture, 'Such were some of you.' It is a changeable

behavior."

25
Married to a Former Transgender

Following is a response Charlene Leach gave to a man who fervently opposes

work to help a person overcome their transgender desires. Charlene is married
to a former transgender:

Dear K____,

But I will tell you assuredly, that as a wife who once lived with a man who
thought that way and who believed he was a woman trapped in a man's body
and who at one time went on hormones, etc., I want you to know that it is an
agonizing experience for a wife. Not only have I once lived it, but over the last
10 years I have spoken with many wives (and continue to each week) who are
in the midst of it right now. Their husbands want them to accept it. Their
husbands want to wear the negligees to bed with their wives. They want their
wives to, in essence, turn into lesbians. And these women are heterosexual,
but their husbands try to force this on them. Their husbands want to dress that
way in front of their children, so they would have two mommas instead of a
momma and a daddy.

These men are totally self-absorbed. They do not consider the damage this is
doing to their children or their wives.

I now live with a man (the same man I spoke of earlier) who is now at home in
his masculinity, who treats me with respect and dignity. He is a caring and
compassionate man, a wonderful husband and a great grandfather to his nine
grandchildren … because I have seen first hand the changes that occurred in
him over the years as he untangled and dealt with the root causes for his
gender-identity confusion, as he read books, sought counsel, received inner
healing prayer, etc., and did the hard work of recovery…. because I know for a
truth that there is hope for men who are in the same boat he once was in
….because I know that there is hope for these men and their wives and
children and grandchildren, I want to shout it from the housetops… "There's
FREEDOM! Real, lasting Freedom from the agonizing, self-destructive, self-
defeating life that comes with transsexualism and the damaging effects it has
on families."

I know you do not understand what it is like to be the wife of a transsexual.

But I do. And my passion is to touch the lives of wives, as Jerry [my husband]
touches the lives of men, and come alongside them, and walk with them into
the freedom we have found.

Blessings!

Charlene

My Dad Was a Crossdresser

My dad was a cross dresser when I was a child. This made me feel very
uncomfortable around him growing up. This confused me with his role of a

26
father in my childhood. I just wanted him to be my dad, a real dad. I desired
to have a dad that made his daughter feel special and loved and cherished. I
remember rummaging through our attic as I got older. I was secretly searching
for adoption papers. I lifted everything out of the wooden boxes.

My search came up empty every time. I was determined that I must have been
adopted because I really never felt loved by my dad. Every father loves their
daughter I thought to myself. I felt that no father who loved their daughter
would treat her the way he treated me, the way he would stare at me and the
personal information that he shared with me. I looked many times for the
adoption papers that never existed.

My mother was in the hospital for periods of time. I remember my dad taken
care of the house and my brothers, sister and I. The one time that really had
impressed upon me was when he took the clothes in the living room to fold. To
see the enjoyment that seemed to come over him was confusing. He was in his
own world during this period of time. I remember observing him and thinking
to myself that this picture was not right. It was odd to see him enjoying the
role of a mother. During this time his mannerisms were just as a real woman's.
I could not understand what made him like this.

I felt like no matter how much I tried to love him, be good or be as

understanding as a child can be I could not fix him. Unlike Humpty Dumpty
who sat on the wall, fell off the wall and broke into pieces and then be put
back together again. I felt guilty that there was nothing I could do to fix my
dad. I wanted to fix him, to make him better and happy.

I would blame myself for his behavior, I thought maybe I had hurt him in some
way that helped to cause this. Maybe I was a bad child in his eyes, maybe I
was a disappointment to him as a daughter or I didn't love him enough. Why is
he really like this? Boy did I ask myself that question a lot growing up.

In a child's eyes there is a lot of confusion and frustration living under these
circumstances. You are watching something that does not seem to be the
natural normal behavior for a father. I would watch for signs that would give
me the clue that he was mentally feeling like a woman. I would be able to tell
if his legs were crossed over ( That clue he gave me himself).

He said "If you see me sitting with my legs crossed over like women cross their
legs you'll know I'm feeling this way. I would watch him at work file his nails at
his desk sitting sideways being in his won world. I knew what he was thinking
because I knew my dad. I just had hoped no one else in the office knew or
suspected. If his bedroom door was shut for a long periods of time I would
wonder if he was dressing up. As I look back today and realize the hundred's of
times that I passed his bedroom door suspecting, but not really wanting to
know what was going on behind closed doors.

I looked else where for what a father figure was. I felt like my dad could not
provide a father daughter relationship. I had an uncle who was great and

27
taught me what a father should be like. He not only loved his daughters, they
had a real father daughter relationship with each other.

They could also be comfortable being girls around their dad. I was envious of
my cousins to have this type of dad. I would observe friends households to see
how the father figure worked in their lives. Knowing my dad's desires made me
feel uncomfortable being a girl. I feared anyone finding out my secret. I really
regret not being comfortable growing up being a girl and my dad. I felt guilty
and dirty about being a girl.

I was 27 years old when my dad left his family to pursue what he thought
would bring him his long awaited dream life. During the period of years he was
gone I wondered about him every Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. My
birthday was my parent's wedding anniversary, so my birthday was nothing
that I liked to celebrate. I always hoped my mother would forget my birthday,
I thought this would save her some pain.

Thirteen years went by. My father was dying of stomach cancer. When I had
heard that he wanted us to know he was ill and trying to reach out to us I was
angry with him. I thought he had no right to come to us for support or love
after he deserted us for his new life of a transsexual. Who did he think he was?
Then I cried.

I cried knowing that my dream of my dad coming back into our family as a
husband, dad and grandfather was about to die. I was losing my dad and my
dream that I waited for up until this time to come true. I wanted to tell him
"How dare you come to us now that you are in need". When we were in need
you weren't around. You were not here living with the embarrassment, the
shame you left us in. You were not here to help your family through the last
thirteen years.

I visited my dad often once hospitalized during his last months of life. It was
difficult. I'd seen my dad in a ladies nightgown, slippers and teddy bears in the
room. The nurses would call him "her", "she" or Becky. I would reply at them
"him", he" or "my dad".

The one memory I have that I felt so sad about was watching him take his bra
off. You are never prepared to see your dad take his bra off. I looked at him
with sorrow with what the choices had done to him. There may be the sad
memories of him at the hospital, but also there were some good. I was able to
hold my "dad's” hand, kiss "him" on the forehead and instead of anger,
sympathize for the life he led.

I was able to forgive him before he passed away with stomach cancer. To
forgive him of the pain that his choice's cost him and us. I look at him now as
a man that lived in pain with little if any happiness. Through the years lost
while he tried to pursue his so called happiness. He was on hormones, he had
breasts and lived the life as a woman. He was living the life of a transsexual
now. If you walked past him on the street or in a mall you would not known
this was a man. It saddened my heart to see where his choices lead him.
28
The way he lived grieved my heart for him. I was also angry and hurt that he
chose his weakness over his family and did not try to seek therapy for his
sexual disorientation. I had always hoped inside that he would return to us as
husband, father and grandfather. He was after all still my father.

I learned after his passing that he was in a homosexual relationship. This was
another dilemma to deal with. Even though he had passed on it seemed like
another chapter of his life was revealed to me. I had questioned this to myself
growing up. Never telling anyone of my thoughts. Now the truth was there on
pen and paper.

I know I never wanted to know the truth. When I wondered if he was gay or
attracted to men I would refuse to go into deep thought about it. It did make
sense why he acted almost out of jealously when I started to date. As though
he wished it were he going the date or going to the prom. Now I had the
answer to his actions towards my boyfriends.

I also now have more answers of my dad's root problem that had helped cause
his choice in life. With that there is peace. There are unanswered questions
now with answers. I meet people like my father, I pray for people like my
father. I meet and pray for family members going through this situation. They
are not alone.

There are many of us going though this situation. There are many of us out
there. Don't think the Gender Identify Disorder does not exist or hurt people.
Don't think this issue is not touching your world or won't touch your world. It is
here. I am living proof of what it is like living with someone who was hurting
deep inside with the Gender Identity Disorder.

I have shared with you what if feels like, really feels like living someone who
truly believed he was in the wrong body. Not everyone is applauding at the
end of the show as we witness on the TV talk shows on the topic so DON'T BE
FOOLED!

Many years have passed since the Sunday my dad revealed to me the truth
about himself. I am now 41 and a long ways from being that 10 year old child.
I had hoped through life that someday I would be able to help others with
what I have lived through. I no longer want to keep it a secret. If I would keep
it a secret, it would help no one. I have joined a transgender ministry with
former transgender Jerry Leach called Reality Resources.

I have a separate e-mail at help4families2004@yahoo.com . The service I am

providing is to connect with others who feel they are alone or have a need to
connect with someone who has "been there". I am there to support them with
prayers, personal support and to make them aware of the ministries, books
and web pages available to them.

I am hoping to take this a step more forward. I am planning on being involved

to equip the churches to enable them to minister to people who suffer from

29
Gender Identify Disorder and their family members. Also, if I find a need in my
community or nearby I wish to start a family support group.

I found a letter from my dad after he passed away. His words read "Don't
throw me away". I believe in my heart I am involved in this out of respect and
love from those words that my dad wrote.

"Cindy"

Michael's Story

I will never forget this one time when dad took me to Kindergarten on his
bicycle. It is my most early memory of interaction with him (or lack thereof).
He took me into his big strong arms and put me on the ground and held my
hand as we walked into the kindergarten together.
Then he just walked off.

I cried and was sent home because of the sadness/rejection I felt. Little did I
know why poor dad was so closed off emotionally. Back when my dad grew up,
he never had so much as a hug from his father, who only talked to him when
he wanted to say something critical. He grew up feeling like a sissy in front of
the others because of some of the messages he received early in childhood, eg
'boys don't cry.'

Having learnt to be ashamed of expressing the emotional truth of his pain at

having been denied love and intimacy from an excessively critical father who
placed value only on his son's ability to have 'kids;' dad had children that he
was not adequately prepared to raise properly. I just wanted him to hold me.

After the bike ride incident I think I instinctively recoiled away from dad in
order to not feel the sting of what I perceived to be; being 'rejected' by him.
As a consequence I think I drifted further and further away from my own
masculine heritage, especially seeing as I was living with mum mostly; as they
were divorced. I never felt like I belonged closely with dad.

When I hit puberty, I remember feeling absolutely terrified when I saw my

friend's developing genitals as we were using the urinal during sports. This
now, to me, validates that I was drifting further away and becoming
increasingly alienated from my perceived 'rejecting' source of masculine
identity (my dad); which recurred as the shock of seeing my friend in this way,
even though boys going to the toilet together and even comparing each other's
'manhood' is supposed to be a normal thing, it was something I found
intimidating at the time; I missed out on feeling comfortable enough with
myself (and him) to be able to experience this potentially celebratory aspect of
life.

Perhaps I just so badly wanted to feel safe enough to be able to talk 'brother
to brother' about our developing into 'adults' together, yet held back because,
having drifted away from my masculine roots, It was almost as if inside a
memory was triggered, as if I was being reminded that I had never felt a sense
30
of belonging around dad (or other men), as if something must be 'wrong' with
me. As a result my journey through physical development was mainly a lonely,
scary affair. Seeing my friend like this I felt almost as if I was a girl being
indecently exposed to a man.

This was also the beginning of that alienated feeling I had around my peers.

When I first started to feel very sad and alone in life, as a teenager, as though
something were missing; I did not know what to do so I went to a community
counselor. Had I not gone there, the then vulnerable me might not have been
guided to the 'young and gay' group where I met the person who was to rape
me under coercion.

Combined with the fact that he had refused to wear a condom, and that he
was indeed very rough with me; he had also explained shortly after
penetrating me, how he'd recently attempted suicide because of his certainty
that he might very well have aids. I remembered how, after the incident just
after leaving his house, I had briefly thought something like 'what if he did
have aids?' I had then told myself that I was being 'unrealistic,' and
immediately purchased some alcohol to 'blot out the memory' (kill some brain
cells.)

Of course I had not seen him for months since it happened, because I was too
busy living in that strange dreamland of self-verification and drugs, (you know
that brief and fleeting sense of relief /achievement, that you have finally 'made
it,' that you've had sex now and are now part of the crowd, you are now a
'man' and 'worthy of existence,' that all people who base their self-worth on
such accomplishments feel?) I had forgotten all about it (running way from
myself.)

I remembered the bleeding and how I had to yell 'stop' several times just so
he would get out of me because of the pain. Although thankfully my AIDS test
came back negative, the trauma I experienced during this 'window-period' left
emotional scars.

I never fully embraced homosexuality as an identity. I always knew a human

being's genitals do not determine who they are. I did still lack the need I had
for 'masculine' love, and wanted someone to hold. After spending one or two
years briefly wallowing around in the mire of superficiality and the constant
judging that compose 'homosexual life,' adjusting my appearance by going to
the gym hour after hour just to feel barely acceptable, only made me feel
worse!

Rigorous soul searching led me to a simple answer: "Homosexuality is based

on sex and not love values." I also realized that homosexuality has turned
something that is supposed to be sanctified and private (lovemaking) into
something that is not just morally degrading, but also something that is as
brief as a handshake, and as meaningless as an empty stare. So it was time
for me to get in touch with my own source of love, not sex; if I didn't want to
be so desperately unhappy all the time.
31
Although this is not exclusively limited to just 'homosexuality', it is by default
the always and unfailingly 100% intrinsic part of homosexuality. In my opinion
the act of real lovemaking involves a man and a woman, wanting to give
nothing but pleasure to their partner and expecting absolutely nothing in
return; so that children can grow up into stable surroundings with two parents
that love each other. Real lovemaking to me, does not involve two people
using each other to feed their man-fuelled sex-addiction, a retarded growth of
increasingly lost and lonely vicious-circle desperation borne out of arrested
man-to-man-intimacy development. That is why it should be illegal, I think.

I read a book (The Way home or face The Fire - A.J.Hill) describing the three
different kinds of sex :

a) sex -pure animal lust

b) sex with feeling
c) love

No amount of the first two could ever equal the third!

My rage is mostly towards the so called 'professionals' of the system, and the
stupid articles that I see in my local newspaper, trying to portray homosexual
adolescents as these poor, injusticed, brave and noble people. I feel sick when
I see the pro-homosexual youth outreach workers being portrayed as 'noble
fighters for the underdog' and I feel like crying. To me they are like wolves
hiding in the scrub on the side of a paddock filled with sheep.

I have never had much success with people politically and have since decided
that people have to decide what they want to believe for themselves. I can
only recommend stuff to myself. Aside from this, I believe that homosexuals
can not be 'changed.' If, because people are out there, doing it, they are only
doing it to themselves and I realized that; even though I may feel very
strongly about it, I don't have to take this personally. Maybe sad, but this, only
my opinion, is the only way people can learn and change; by themselves.

No one likes to have their belief system attacked, to be told "What you do is
wrong," but unfortunately many people are being led astray and I believe I can
only be there for them by permitting them to learn from the natural
consequences of their actions, and letting go, as painful
and sadistic or 'resigned' as that plan may sound. Knowledge and defense
only, never attack; which makes it worse. The way I see it, in terms of
'fighting' for what I believe to be right, so that homosexuality can be properly
and widely recognized as the 'negative support' that it truly is, all
one can do to dissuade it is by either setting people a good example, or by
shunning them to make them ashamed of their ways and then loving them into
changing.

I know that all I have to do is continue to be me - I believe homosexuality is a

bad lifestyle for my own good - and I certainly do not condone it for anyone.
People latch on and tune in if they're ready.
32
In terms of 'straightening myself out' I don't really believe that I need to
change at all. For me it was simply recognizing the core issue of why my own
father was not available for me at the time, and having compassion for him,
instead of remaining the little kid inside who, because he had never really
understood, out of no fault of his own had distanced and defended himself
against further perceived rejections from dad and drifted even further away
from him. It was time for me to return.

Michael

The Jock

My Son is a Miracle to Me

From an ex-gay Jewish father

He plays basketball and soccer with confidence and effortless grace, always
looking for a pick-up game. He often joins games with bigger guys than him,
and earns their respect by skill, hustle, and focus.

He's not afraid to push forward on offense, asserting himself against the man
who's covering him - and doggedly in-your-face on defense. He argues the
fouls and fine points without a shred of shame, weakness, or waffling.

Both men and women find his directness, vigor, and open smile disarming.
He's received some hand-knitted sweaters from admirers, and appreciates fine
things - but when a game or adventure is on, he is oblivious to mud, thorns,
gravel, or minor scrapes, and the sweater winds up on a bush beside the
playing field, his body and breath radiating warmth.

Somehow the dirt and sweat look good on his muscular frame. The smile that
gives way in a moment to sharp focus, the dirty blond hair that catches the
sun, the power and grace of the limbs...

He's eight years old.

He's my son.

Believe me, I don't have to fake the look of awed, jubilant adoration when I
see him play. He is a miracle to me.

I never was or will be a jock. And I don't have to be, for him. I just have to be
there, his dad. I know how basketball is played, and have learned enough to
follow soccer. I photograph. I shout.

He runs over to me, gives me a hug. T

his is my Dad. Then he is back in the game.

33
I am here, on a midweek afternoon, with the handful of fathers who had the
sense to realize that work is just work. There is a spiritual calculus that
transforms need and lack into giving and power. This is how it works: these
playing fields have painful, shameful, fatherless memories for me. Because of
what I went through, I make the time to be here. Straw and thorns are thus
spun into gold.

I do not have to be a super jock. He has a very good coach. I am not the
tallest, most muscular father, nor do I have the fanciest camera. I have only to
be his Dad. To look at him like he's a miracle, the best - not a hard
assignment...

Everyone dealing with homosexual attractions can achieve this - especially the
younger guys. Each of you can become a loving, and loved, husband and
father.

This does not belong to some unattainable, perfectly imagined future - I was
hitting video booths for weeks after this kid's birth and circumcision, when my
old insecurities bubbled up. During his childhood I have gone on the internet,
flirted with men at health clubs, cruised during business trips. I have not
always been there for this kid - and the others - as I would like. But in the sum
total, in the aggregate, success happens. In messy, unsatisfying incomplete
steps and painful patches of inconsistency.

That's how you, too, will get there.

Example: shutting off the computer and going to my son's ball game was one
small action, acting on my deepest truth. Healing is made up of many of these
small moments of integrity, of being true to yourself. Houses, homes are sticks
held together by nails. Each integrity choice is a nail, building your soul's new
home - and sealing doors from which foul winds blow.

Everyone struggling with same-sex attractions can attain this. Every one of us
can transform need and lack into the power to give, into positive resolve.
Everyone of us can become a lover of others, have a family and community to
love.

—David

Recruited
My name is Kevin. I used to be “gay”. No, I wasn’t just your average guy with
same-sex attractions. I was, instead, a proud member of that aggressive group
of activists that still today demands total social acceptance and legal sanction
of homosexuality. My story is also my way of making up for, at least, some of
the damage I caused over the years. I will tell you the truth about
homosexuality and what the “gay” lifestyle really involves. The entire
homosexual issue can be divided into three areas: psychological, spiritual, and
political:

Psychological:
34
From the age of 11 to 33, I was attracted to men, although I was always afraid
of real men and didn’t enjoy their company. When I was a child my father was
ill for quite some time and he died when I was almost ten, so I really had no
father figure or male role model to teach me how to be a boy. I had several
older brothers, but I wasn’t very close to any of them. I was close to my
sisters and my mother, however, and they were to always remain my best
friends. I also didn’t have any friends who were boys because I was always
afraid of them. I was only close to my friends who were girls. These girls didn’t
care how fat I was or whether or not I could throw a baseball.

My lack of “connecting” with boys my age and my lack of a father figure set me
on a path that led to same-sex attraction during adolescence. As a teenager, I
disliked the sexual feelings I had toward boys and I wished I didn’t have them.

For the most part, I was very selfish. I felt inferior to others and especially
inferior to boys my age. I hated being around guys! I felt rejected by my
father and my older brothers because I knew they were thinking I was ugly
and stupid. I felt very alone, so I sought all the attention I could get. I was a
spoiled and pampered teenager who was angry at my lack of close male
relationships as a child. I felt abandoned and rejected by adults and others,
and I was very easily insulted or hurt by the slightest criticism.

When I was a high school senior I tried dating girls. It was fun because I
enjoyed their company over the company of other guys anyway. These girls
also served to help me appear “straight”.

By the time I was in my twenties, I had moved out on my own and went to
college. I chose to study in the field of theatre arts. In time I won some awards
and scholarships for my work on the stage as an actor. Plays and dramas were
very attractive to me. Why? It was simple. Theatre gave me a mask. I could
win acceptance, praise or just plain attention by standing up before many
people and pretending to be someone else.

Meanwhile, I met some new friends in the “gay” life. They were college friends
and barroom buddies within my new gay life that I kept underground. With
their help I finally accepted my “orientation” as a gay man. I didn’t realize it
then, but I was being recruited. It wasn’t easy at first to accept my new sexual
identity, but my already inflated ego was fed even more when I was told by
several of my new friends that same-sex attractions were a special gift from
God. These older and “wiser” men told me that I was a victim and that so
many people, including my mother and family members, surely were to blame.
Therefore, I was told that I deserved to surround myself with people who really
loved me, and that was only other gays.

I was no longer ashamed of my “orientation”! I’m a guy who no longer

struggles with same-sex attraction. Oh, no! I’m proud of myself now! I’m now
queer! I’m now “gay”! In other words, I was now recruited!

I was happy for a time as I marched in Gay Pride parades, hung out in
35
bookstores and gay bars. I had platonic relationships with several friends who
also saw themselves as victims. I felt sorry for them and they felt sorry for me.
I can assure you that my life with these friends back in the 80’s was one big
pity party. Do you think self-pity is sort of contagious and habit-forming? I
mean, I liked these guys because they felt sorry for poor little me. If I had to
feel sorry for them and pat their backs once in a while, well it was a small price
to pay for the pity and attention I received in return. This self-pity among us
led, automatically, to public protest. Self-pity and protest are pretty much the
same things. These feelings really explain my overt, melodramatic and
sometimes shocking public escapades that all too often gained public support.

This kind of self-absorption made it very difficult for me to love. I was like a
child who wanted all the attention and love directed to him. But, this didn’t
stop me from pursuing my dream. All I wanted from life now was what I was
told was the perfect goal: find a man to be your “lover”, move in together and
stay happy for the rest of your lives. In the meantime, it’s still okay if you find
others with whom you can play, party and sleep. This was my dream. But I
didn’t always find these “lovers” and when I did, the scenarios didn’t fit the
dream I was promised. I was restless. I was restless because I was motivated
by a desire for that unattainable fantasy figure: a father who loved me and
who was there for me.

I wasn’t really interested in these “lovers” either. I was just too interested in
myself and my own wants. I used those men because I wanted someone to
take care of me, but not someone who needed anything from me. My “perfect
goal” and my “dream” was, therefore, nothing but several clinging
relationships made up of two self-absorbed “poor me-s.”

While all this was going on, my family accepted me into their homes and I was
never forbidden to see any of my nieces and nephews. I was accepted as being
part of a lifestyle that was no longer underground. I had convinced them that I
was born “gay”. My friends and I were out of the closet, liberated, tolerated
and happy. Well, anything but happy. This life was, by its makeup, very selfish
and very angry. I had no room in my life for anyone but me. Anyone I claimed
to love was someone I used for what can only be called “mutual
masturbation”, not “love-making”. The friendships I had were like my many
“lovers” – very fleeting and conditional. All my relationships were hollow.

What was the “gay” life really like? It was a very easy lifestyle because I was
responsible to no one: no responsibility for a wife, child or family. For your
average nineteen-year-old guy, the gay lifestyle is very attractive in the short-
term because it sounds like one big college party. You can have all the
advantages of a straight lifestyle without any of the responsibilities. Keep this
in mind when you hear activists make the same arguments I used to make:
“Don’t call this a ‘lifestyle choice!’ I didn’t choose this for myself! I was born
this way. To prove it, let me ask you this: why would I choose such a difficult
life for myself? Huh? Why would I choose to put myself through the everyday
burden of being gay in such an intolerant, bigoted world?” Yes, I sounded like
that, but I wasn’t being honest with you or with myself. In reality, it’s a very
easy lifestyle!
36
Though easy, it still wasn’t very satisfying. As I got older into my late twenties,
I grew more and more unhappy. I started losing some hair and gaining some
weight. I was like Andrew Kunanan: too old to be of any value in a youthful
“gay” culture.

Spiritual:

But I still thought my unhappiness was the fault of others. I was angry at all
the “homophobes” out there and I was very angry with the Church. That’s why
I chose to get involved in a pro-gay church group called DIGNITY. Though it
wasn’t sanctioned by the Church, it was where I could pretend that “gay” is
O.K. and pretend to stay within the Church.

In the late 80’s, I heard about a group called EXODUS. It was helping some
guys leave the lifestyle and some were even able to change their orientation.
This made me curious because I was still restless! From EXODUS I learned
about a Catholic group started by Father John Harvey about twenty years
earlier called COURAGE. I contacted that group and learned a lot of stuff about
Church teaching and about myself, too.

COURAGE was a fresh, new kind of group for me. Its basic foundation was as
solid as the Catholic Church herself. Its five goals for helping overcome same-
sex attraction were easy for me to understand. They were refreshing for
someone lost in the wilderness like me. COURAGE was a place where I
developed chaste friendships with other men who also shared this challenge
with me. I not only was treated like an adult but I was also expected to act like
one. These men did not pity me, but rather challenged me to understand that I
was powerless to control my urges and that I needed the help of the Holy
Spirit to change my life once and for all! After only about five years COURAGE
brought me back to the Sacraments and my life turned around.

I an now ex-gay and my lifestyle has changed. I married the most beautiful
woman in the world and we now have three children. As a kid, I didn’t have
any male friends, but now, as an adult, that changed. I now enjoy the
company of real men for the first time in my life because I’m no longer afraid
of them.

As you can imagine, I had rather unusual responses to this life change from
my old friends and some family members. They all seemed distant. When I
was a struggling, depressed, restless, and out-of-the-closet “gay” activist, I
had most of my “straight” friends willing to tolerate me. Some of them even
accepted me and endorsed me as I had convinced them that I was born that
way. I guess I should now recognize them as “foul weather friends”.

In our current culture, I’m afraid, when you are dysfunctional, down-and-out,
sad, drug-addicted and depressed, you will have more friends than you could
ever want. But, when you start to turn your life around and clean yourself up,
you’re on your own. You’re not even welcome around some people’s families
and you are definitely not welcome around the “gay” activists because now you
37
are considered a threat to them. Francis Cardinal George once said, “I have
often wondered why a supposedly heterosexual man, perhaps married and
with children, is admired and celebrated when he declares himself a
homosexual, but a journey in the opposite direction is excoriated as
repressive.”

So, it is true that I’m frustrated with this kind of response from our culture, but
I’m not going to wallow in more self-pity. I don’t want to mirror that same
response I had as an activist by being unjustly forced to go underground
again. After all, I helped create this gay culture!

Political:

One way people are harmed today is when activists redefine terms by giving
them new meaning. Let’s take the word “phobia”. The dictionary defines
“phobia” as “…an irrational persistent fear or dread.” The operative word there
is “irrational”. That’s why homophobia doesn’t work when applied to me,
because there isn’t anything irrational about my persistent fear or dread of
homosexuality. My belief that I wouldn’t want my children to go through what I
went through is very rational and based on a lot of understanding and reason.

Another word is “recruit.” As an activist, I supported things like junior high

school programs that taught “tolerance” and “acceptance” of “gays”. Well, I
got very angry with you “homophobes” because you accused me of trying to
recruit young boys and girls into the “gay” lifestyle. I didn’t believe in my heart
that I was lying to you. We firmly insisted that “gays” don’t recruit young men
and boys because we thought that it was not possible to change someone’s
orientation from “gay” to “straight” or “straight” to “gay”.

Well, the dictionary defines “recruit” as “…to form or strengthen with new
members.” It’s important to understand, too, just what is involved with
recruiting. Recruiting into what? To understand this I need to first explain
another word: “gay”. “Gay” is a socially charged word within the homosexual
community that means “I’m out of the closet, I’m proud of my same-sex
attraction, and you’re sick if you aren’t proud of me too!”

This attitude is expressed for a purpose. It has an audience. The target

audience for this is not just all of the “homophobes” in this mean, cruel world,
but also the rest of us “gays” out there who supposedly have been forced to
hate themselves so much that they want to commit suicide. You see, most
people who have same-sex attractions don’t like this about themselves. Many
people with same-sex attractions do not want to act on these attractions and
they feel trapped by their emotional desires. In other words, most
homosexuals are not “gay”. And we “gay” activists knew it! It is the sexually
confused person, therefore, that “gay” activists are targeting.

Activists want to get to those young boys who, at age 14 are struggling with
sexual confusion. They need to convince them that “gay is good”, that they
cannot possibly change their attractions and that this “wholesome sexuality” is
a gift from God and it would even be sinful to deny it. Even though I didn’t call
38
it at the time, I was, in effect, recruiting them! Not recruiting them to have
same-sex attractions, but rather to become “gay”.

What I have learned on this difficult journey is what I hope you can learn, too:
people with motivation and God’s help can and do change their orientation. My
life with my wonderful wife and three children would not have been possible if I
had continued to buy the lie “once gay, always gay.” I’m here as God’s
“recruit” to spread the word to as many of you as possible.

Kevin can be reached at recruit1192368@msn.com

He is available for speaking engagements.

Sam's Ex-gay Story

I was brought up in the church...loved God but was confused. I could not
understand why this was worse than any other sin. Did God understand my
feelings? I tried to date females to cover up the shame...but never
lasted...finally I thought that the only way to be loved was to go into
homosexuality and give pleasures to that person. So I feel into giving it up to a
guy...

God is still working on me in so many areas of my life. To keep it short and to

the point...if God can be merciful upon me and still take me back though I
doubt many times...he can do it for anyone else. A person has to first be open
with God and allow God to work on you...to be able to take those hurts and
pains into testimonies. It is not easy but with God all things are possible.
Homosexuality was a bondage for me.

Though many Christians do not show love to homosexuals...those of us that

God has delivered needs to show the church what they are doing and show the
homosexuals God's love.

This is my story in a small package...Take Care!

-- Sam

Sperm Bank Children Tell Their Stories

I had two moms and no Dad as a child. Children accept their parents out of
love and respect - and to not accept them would be to devalue their own self-
image. When I was younger, I put on the facade of acceptance of my gay
moms because that is what I had to do to function even though I had doubts.

I feel that I need to speak against gay parenting because it's being promoted
as this great and wonderful thing. While most children of gays will admit
they've experienced more difficulties than their counterparts, the message
they're sending is that we turned out normal so it's okay - and the excess
battle scars, we just take them in stride and wear them with pride. But what's
worse is that now they're on the frontlines with their parents trying to
reconstruct a “homophobic” society. But it's not society that's homophobic - it's
nature itself. No matter how good two same-sex parents are, a child who was
conceived by insemination yearns to know where they came from. It is human
39
instinct.

Plus, when I was younger and unable to comprehend what insemination was, I
used to wonder if it was gross for my mom to make me because she didn’t like
men. Then there are some whose family went through a divorce when their
parent came out and wonder if they would be here if their parent had been
"true" to their sexuality. And how is a girl’s self worth affected when she sees
that her two dads don’t like women? Or that a boy’s two moms don’t like men?
It's not in the best interest of children to be put in this situation. I wish people
would stop making it an issue of whether the child turns out normal and start
realizing that this is about the child carrying an unnecessary burden because
they have gay parents.

After my mom’s partner died, she got married – to a man. While my mom
hasn't discussed the process of her change from gay to straight, she is happy.
I am happy for her because she took the steps necessary to change her
emotional well being and mine as well.

I Wish My Parents Weren’t Gay

As a child, I wasn't brave enough to say what I really feel and made some
statements that I wish I could take back - that kid in me again wanting to
believe that everything would be hunky dory if I could justify my parents' gay
lifestyle.

I've found through my extensive web surfing on the issue that there is one
phrase repeated constantly when kids are asked about problems -it's always
the "homophobic society." Bet you most of them probably couldn't explain
what that means to them. It's these so-called support groups telling them to
have pride in their parents and anyone who disagrees is a homophobe.

But I Wanted a Dad

I was created by artificial insemination and raised by two moms. In my

experience, children like me are torn between their real love for their moms
and the need to put on a facade--not only for the outside society--but for their
own moms, as well. Fears, anxiety, the longing to know your missing biological
parent, the absence of a strong sense of protection replaced by obligation to
stick up for your moms who become the designated victims in the family, the
difficulties relating to men and to forming families yourself (falling in love with
the opposite sex can feel like betraying your family) -- these feelings of
children of gay parents are as unacceptable in the gay community as lesbian
moms are in the larger society. Even therapists reject your complex feelings
(mine explained they are not really my feelings, only the result of something
called "homophobia.")

We children of this social experiment are encouraged to suppress our own

voices and validate the voices of our mothers. This is not about gay people
being bad parents. This is about children carrying an unnecessary burden.
Although I am thankful for the love and care both my moms provided, I would
40
never endorse other children suffering the same emotional distress I did as a
child.

Two Ex-gay Stories EXTRAS DOAR POVESTEA LUI

As an ex-gay man, I feel that the homosexual lifestyle itself is the biggest
reason to change. It is the WORST lifestyle a person could ever lead. It is said,
among the most experienced homosexuals, that those who are better adjusted
are the ones who abandon all hope of having a life-partner, and instead settle
for all they can realistically achieve: anonymous sexual encounters. Do we
realize what that means?

The gay lifestyle reduces, on average, a person’s lifespan by more than 20

years. Even when corrected for AIDS, it is still alarming how much a person’s
lifespan is reduced.

Study after study after study confirms the terrible levels of depression, suicide,
drug abuse, and STDs prevalent in the lifestyle. And let's not even go into the
bitchiness and childishness so prevalent in the gay subculture.

Even if one fools oneself into believing that one can avoid the depression,
suicide, drug abuse, and STDs - one cannot avoid watching your friends suffer
and die from such things all around you. Of course, when I say friends I should
say "friends". They are only your "friends" so long as they can get what they
want from you.

Because the gay world is like a meat market - you are only worth what you
possess. Once you get really old (like, 30) you're not wanted anymore. And a
the life of a fat guy, a disabled guy, or a guy with a small penis, is worth a lot
less than a thin, fit, and large guy. Your personality and your personal
happiness are secondary to your physical appearance. How often I have seen
two gay guys deeply "in love" separate because they've found someone else
fitter, or don't think the other is good-looking anymore.

Which brings me to gay "love". It's a myth. It doesn't exist. Anyone with the
slightest bit of common sense who is in the gay world can see how often gay
men break-up, and how fragile relationships are. They're totally immature.
They practically move in after just meeting, and break up when they find
someone better. But none of them can see this futile cycle due to their own
denial and blindness to the truth that gay "love" is a mere fairytale. Infidelity is
the norm in the gay world. The average relationship lasts only a year.

If there's one constant thing I've seen in the gay world, it's depression. And it's
not caused by "oppression" or "bias" in society. It's caused by the gay
"community" itself. It's a sad pathetic lifestyle that damages people.

RUN A MILE. Get away from it. Don't touch it. You don't need it. You're worth
far more than being sucked in by and used by that selfish world. Pursue
therapy, feel better, feel more masculine, have *real* male friends who

41
actually love you for who you are, and not for what you've got that they can
take.

And change doesn't require a religion. Most of my change took place without
one, so it is possible. The strictly psychological therapy books don't include any
religious things anyway, so one is free to pursue a strictly medical treatment.

Kind regards,

Simon

What I Know Now That I’m Ex-Gay

1. I was born with this and cannot change because it is genetic

I bought that hook line and sinker. I read many books in order to answer my
questions why as a male I developed same sex attractions. Most of the books
said that it was not possible to change and that there was no cure. I once
asked myself if ...if there was a pill that could cure me ... would I have taken
it? YES. But all I knew from the progay books was that it was an inborn trait
and that I just had to accept myself. I really hated being a homosexual, but
when you can´t fix it then you have to stand it. So I settled for an answer I
found in a gay youth book. When someone asked what I think caused me to be
gay, I told them "LUCK" , and most of the studies that were published in the
progay magazines claimed that there was evidence that there was a genetic
component involved.

2. I trust what the gay community is telling me because they say they
care about me

Not exactly. I early found out that I was different than other Gays and
lesbians. I did want to work for more tolerance and acceptance of gay people,
but I was constantly bashed by my gay and lesbians friends when I stated that
it was not normal to be gay. The norm was to be heterosexual.

When legal same sex unions were introduced in Denmark in 1989 (the first
country of the world to do so ), I cheered along with my friends. Now gay and
lesbians had the same rights as heterosexual couples. What more could they
want? We had equal rights. But some gays that were not Christian or had no
religious beliefs at all said that now we had to fight for the right to have church
marriages. I told them I was against that. Church marriage was something
holy and sacred for me and for a man and a woman only. It felt unnatural to
me that a man and a woman should marry in a church. That was sacrilegious.

Oh I was scorned by the vocal loud people in the progay organisation ... over
and over again I was told that I had a long way to come in truly accepting who
I was. I learned that in any organisation people have the attitude ... if you´re
not with us you must be against us. It was their way or the highway.

I also didn´t want to walk in a gay pride parade. I didn´t feel I had anything in

42
common with the transvestites (the transgendered) and the sexual showing off
was repulsive to me. Walk in a parade with men dressed as women and sexual
perverts that just wanted to shock people -- NO WAY. Well diversity has
always been good I
thought, but there was no room for the average gay guy in one of these gay
pride parades. And I felt they were hurting gay and lesbian people more, by
showing off all the stereotypes.

I was also very active in safe sex education. I sometimes objected to having to
be too graphic when telling 14 and 15 year olds about safe sex. Also I wanted
to emphasize that there was no such thing as safe sex. Safe sex could reduce
the risk of std´s but there was always a risk. But my fellow gays objected. So I
cannot subscribe to the sentence that ... the gay community cared for me ... It
was their way or the highway.

But what really disillusioned me about gay people was the shallowness and the
obsession about youth. And that it was perfectly natural to have 200 sex
partners every year. I thought that was wrong. When I began to change my
life 5 years ago I asked my roommate (a pumped up bodybuilder on steroids),
if he didn´t want to find someone special to love. A boyfriend? I told him that
he probably had had about 2500 sex partners in his life, and did he not want
more than sex? He looked very puzzled at me ... and told me that it was not
possible to find a boyfriend and that he had to take what he could get and
enjoy himself while he was waiting for Mr. right. I told him I doubted he would
find Mr. Right the way he lived.

3. I cannot believe in God or the church anymore because they do not

accept me.

I knew perfectly well what the bible told me about homosexuality. I was
doomed and damned. I did believe in Jesus. I had to hope for mercy on
judgment day. For me christians were heterosexists and judgmental. I felt like
a leper or a samaritan. No Christian would touch me with a 5 feet pole.

Condemnation and damnation were all gay people got from churches so even if
I loved Jesus and I knew he loved me I would not go to a church to worship
when I was among a bunch of hypocrites that was not Christlike at all. There
were no resources for people who wanted to leave homosexuality.

I also saw that gays and lesbians were constantly verbally harassed and made
the scapegoat by Christians. Anyway there was no God ... if there really was a
God he would not have allowed me to be gay. Like some of my Christians
friends have told me ... well god made me this way. I think most people with a
religious background and upbringing that experience same sex attraction find it
nearly impossible to reconcile their religious beliefs and their feelings. Some
choose to live celibately and expect that they may not be able to change in this
life and that this is just a challenge like any other challenge. I really admire
these people.

4. Reparative therapy is harmful

43
I saw a documentary film about Exodus 8 years ago. It was made by progays.
The film was about how Exodus came to a small Norwegian town and the
young gay men killed themselves. It was the most horrible documentary I had
ever seen. It said that gay people could not change and Christian fanatics were
shameless telling gay people to repress their feelings and pretend they were
straight. They showed a horrible gay couple that had married (a former gay
and lesbian). They had no children and looked immensely depressed. The film
in effect said -- They had got to be kidding! What a horrible joke! Only gay
people full of self-hatred would try to change.

The idea that gay people will commit suicide if they get involved with one of
those so called exgay-ministries was deeply imprinted in me by the gay
community and repeated by every progay you discuss the possibility of change
with. Progays will say it´s much better that you accept yourself and be
yourself instead of trying to be something you´re not.

I think the common misconceptions about reparative therapy or exgays are:

Change is not possible ... if I still have same sex attractions I have not
changed. If change is possible, then my opposite sex attractions have to be
just as strong and with the same emotional qualities that my same sex
attractions (ssa)have.

People who have changed are just repressing their feelings of same sex
attraction, no real change has happened, they just pretend.

If I can not get an erection by just looking at a woman I can never change, so
why even try.

People who undergo reparative therapy will kill themselves.

You will never be happy this way, being something you´re not.

Despite all these myths propagated by the gay community, I will testify that all
the years I spent in reparative therapy have paid off. I have healed a lot of my
wounds. It has taken me a long time and it has been a process, not an event.
Like ex-gay Sy Rogers said, it doesn´t just say "Bling" and every ounce of
homosexual desire will be drained from your body. But I don’t long and yearn
for a man to love me anymore. I am attracted to women.

Sometimes I feel attracted to a man, but I know I will not be happy by acting
on those feelings. I have turned my life over to the care of God and I feel the
holy spirit guide me and comfort me. There is no obstacle that can not be
overcome. I think that it will take a long time before it becomes commonly
known that it´s possible to change your sexual orientation. The progays will
advocate that this is not the case and they do spread a lot of lies about it, in a
desperate attempt to hold unto their identities they have fought so hard to
form. It is painful to change your identity and let go of misconceptions.

What helps me the most is the love from true Christians. Hugs and
44
encouragement. What sets me back is prejudices and misconceptions about
people who have ssa. And if I perceive people to be antigay I simply shut down
and stop listening. It´s a knee jerk reaction to protect myself from being hurt.
If we love everybody like Christ does everybody wins.

I feel somewhat cheated today by the progays. I was lied to. I was so much
more than my attractions. I no longer believe I was born that way. I could not
find happiness living a gay lifestyle ... and I really tried. I did found love, but
same sex relationships in general have a short lifespan.

-- Neal

What Keeps Us Silent?

By Jeffrey Johnson

I believe it is imperative that we proclaim the truth of healing from

homosexuality in the secular arena. What are some of the reasons we (as ex-
gays) remain silent? For some of us it’s fear. What will they think of me? What
if they laugh at my story? How will the media portray me? What if they don’t
believe me? Am I healed enough? How will this affect my family?

Besides fear, I think a lot of what motivated me was shame. I was ashamed of
my brokenness and sin. I’d worked so hard to fit into the church and into the
world of men – and now I have to go broadcast my struggles?

Not just shame, but pride is involved here. My pride did not want to admit to
others that I had this struggle. But it has led me to testify before committees
of the Maryland General Assembly; to tell my story to congressional staffers at
the U.S. Capitol; to protest at the American Psychiatric Convention; and to
have my story recounted in a two-page spread in The Baltimore Sun. So much
for living a “normal, quiet life.” To be honest, I did not go looking for these
opportunities, but I chose to say yes when they came my way. Each time I tell
my story, I strike another blow at fear, shame, and pride.

A final matter that keeps some of us silent is feeling overwhelmed. What can I
do to take on the whole culture? Thankfully, I’m not responsible for all that.
But I can do small things: writing a letter to the editor, calling an irresponsible
television network, and speaking out at work when others denigrate healing.

I could write a whole column about this, or even a book, but suffice it is to say
that all the evidence here is on our side. At every level – physically,
emotionally, and spiritually – homosexual behavior is destructive. Speaking the
truth about homosexuality literally saves lives.

Not everyone is called or gifted at working in the media or in politics, not all of
us are called to full-time ministry, but more of us must speak up about this
issue. I believe God is calling more of us to get out and tell our stories, to tell
what we know about the destructiveness of homosexual behavior and about
God’s redemption – how God changed us.

45
More strugglers, more parents, more family members. All of us are called to
engage in the world around us, speaking the truth in love to a hurting world.
There is no one better for this job. If not us, then whom?

Why I Wanted Out of Homosexuality

I guess most ex-gay people out there would agree with me when I say that the
gay lifestyle pressured us to look good and act in ways that would make us
acceptable. For instance, when I was living as a gay man, I was very
dependent on affirmations from other people -- how I dressed, how I groomed
my hair, etc. etc. and it was very very exhausting.

Gay relationships, at least for me were simply a case of parasitism. I had one
that was mostly financial. He had me around to bear his soul out and lord over
his messiahnic complex while I got my monthly allowance. This went on for a
couple of years without the knowledge of my parents. They thought he was
just a good friend helping out. A time came when it became all too suffocating.
I could hardly keep him from calling me up late at night, or go with him to gigs
I'd rather trade for flossing, so on and so forth.

Another person I was with albeit a short while, well, was simply more confused
and emotionally distraught than I was. I liked it when I was being depended
on. I felt good when people needed me for something. Others were purely
physical. You see, not a single "relationship" I had was borne out of love but
on mere dependency. The lifestyle became all too ritualistic for me. There was
no space for emotional growth because the relationships were forged on false
grounds-money, sex, compliments, etc.

A horrible double life it was. I was always conjuring alibis whenever I did
things behind my girlfriend’s back. On the one hand, I know I will be lying to
myself if I would say that I didn't love her. On the other hand, my gay life was
just starting to get a positive push and the hype was simply too hard to trade
off. In the end, God showed me the real deal. All this gay trash is simply about
myself. I became very selfish because of it and made my vanities and
insecurities the crux of my life. I was slave to my habits and desires, rendering
me very much incapable of interacting with other people, especially straight
guys.

I know this battle can be waged from a couple of months to even scores of
years. Homosexuality is a conditioned response, whose roots can vary from
one context to another. Like what I have learned, old habits die hard,
especially when dealt with self-control. There must be something that would
replace the habit of masturbation, sex and pornography. There must be
something that would offer true and lasting happiness -- the very things that
these kids are trying to find in every encounter they have. And no one else can
fulfill these things but the love and mercy of God. I know it is pretty hard
driving these seemingly abstract things round their heads but believe me, it is
possible. There are more people like me who have licked the depths of hell and
were restored by God's grace. There are a lot out there.

46
What led me out of the homosexual lifestyle? I found myself lonelier than ever.
I thought my insecurities would disappear, but boy did they multiply. I was
addicted to so many lewd things and doing stuff I really did not want to do. It
was as if I was deliberately doing things all gay people did because I thought
there was no turning back. But I was wrong. In the end, the people I tried to
shun -- my family -- were the very people who helped me get through all the
drama. And of course, this goes without saying that God's grace restored my
dignity. If it hadn't for free web courses like "setting captives free" I wouldn't
fully understand how homosexuality is simply a form of idolatry -- you look up
to the male genitalia or body as a god.

From a son's point of view however, I do believe that parents should keep on
trying to reach out no matter what it takes. I do not know if concerned parents
can actually lead normal lives just sitting around and waiting for things to fall
in their proper place. Yes, there is a great danger of pushing your children
away because anything said and done against their life(style) or friends is
tantamount to personal rejection. But this should not stop parents from taking
a proactive role in helping or reaching out to their children. This goes without
saying however that every household has a unique context to work around in.
Be there, make your presence felt. If they get annoyed, well take a few steps
backward but remain on track.

There are lots of things parents can do and staying at the sideline is definitely
NOT one of them. You can talk to your kid at the right time and place. Only
you can determine that. But even as he may shun you, hold on because he
needs you more than you know it. Bottom line is, show him that YOU love him
but you do NOT approve of his choices. Remember, the goal is not primarily to
be heterosexual but to be holy. I believe the tag line is, "a man among men."

And I believe that God will make miracles happen, make your kids realize
through certain circumstances and trials that He is the only true source of
salvation. Be there when that happens. Be there when confusion sets in. When
your children start thinking, "Am I doing the right thing?" Be there because the
storm can sway them in either direction: TO GOD or FARTHER AWAY FROM
GOD. Be there.

God heals and saves in His perfect time.

Al

Yes, I Have an Ex-gay Story, Too

I am a man. I was born and raised in Fresno, California and just like everyone
else, I was faced with daily challenges. I come from a family of five, three
sisters and one brother, me being the oldest. We were a poor family that
survived on welfare and lived in affordable housing. My mother and father
separated before I was born, two years later after she gave birth to my sister,
my mother met my stepfather.

Being young and from unstable homes my parents partied a lot, I remember
47
the physical and verbal fights that took place, which has scared me till this
day. My sister and I were left unattended many times and with strangers my
parents trusted. On one occasion my mom’s youngest brother stayed home
with me and my sister to watch us as she went to run errands, I was four
years old when my uncle took me aside and asked me to pull my pants down
and threatened me to never say a word, I didn’t until I was twelve and my
mother would not believe me for years said that I was too young to remember
any of this happening. Incest took place with an older cousin years later and
went on for a time without any family members ever knowing.

The relationship between my mom and I was very close growing up and I saw
her as a friend that I could tell anything to, unfortunately being the oldest I
was also the shoulder she cried on regularly when my stepdad was abusive. So
my relationship with my stepfather was very distant, although I tried to love
him and wanted for him to stop being so cruel and just love me, hold me, tell
me that I was somebody. I have always had a deep need for his approval and
acceptance, never felt I got that as a child or early teenage years.

Junior and high schools were difficult for me in trying to find my identity,
because at this time I knew that I was attracted to boys and had a longing to
be comforted by them. Wasn’t long after when I engaged in my first sexual
encounter by a much older man, I was intimidated and scared for my life, but
from that point on the curiosity I had for being with men grew. Not much
longer after this episode I fell into soliciting myself around a local adult
bookstore, which was within walking distance from where I lived. This was also
the first place I found acceptance from others that had the same desires to be
with men.

I came out to my mom and stepdad when I was 17 years old, relieved by their
reactions to not disown me. By this time the countless number of sexual hook
ups was overwhelming, I enjoyed what I was doing, the free alcohol and drugs
was fun, but I kept that part of my life a secret for years out of shame. March
27, 1998 was the day I will never forget, as I was taken into a room while
under the influence of methamphetamine to be given results that I was HIV
positive. The drugs then progressed, with me wanting to take my life and die
but scared because I believed that I was now given the judgment to eternal life
in hell, that God hates Fags. Many in and out of the church are still using this
statement, which is very ignorant. After I recovered from this news I went
straight back to a gay community of acceptance, clubs, social gatherings in the
parks and streets. I was naive to think that it wouldn’t get worse. Four years
later I was diagnosed with full blown AIDS, Hepatitis C and colon cancer.

A year before I told my mom I was gay, she had given her life to the Lord, and
told me throughout the years how much Jesus loved me, that no sin is greater
than another. I always knew that homosexuality was not the norm. But I also
knew that these feelings I had were not a choice. January 2003 I accepted Our
Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior, in a time where I was unsure how
much longer I had to live because of AIDS and desperately needed assurance
that I wouldn’t go to hell. Every opportunity I had to go church I was there
praying asking God to save me from a gay life that I had never asked for. His
48
Holy Spirit poured down on my life and took all away my pain, hurt,
resentment, hate, drug addiction, sickness, prostitution and an identity of
being gay. Through His grace and mercy and most importantly His Love I have
Freedom from being bound by sin.

God has healed me physically from Hepatitis C and colon cancer and this is
only the beginning. I still have a positive result of the HIV virus in my blood,
but Jesus Christ specializes in blood. I believe God moves in steps with us and
through all that I have endured and challenges I have faced, this has built my
faith up where I am learning to trust God My Father, not a report given by a
doctor. I’m still a work in process and am taking it one prayer at a time. The
love that was given through His Son Jesus Christ when He willingly died and
sacrificed His flesh and blood on a cross for our sins to be forgiven can never
be bought nor compromised.

Today, it has been over 3 years since I have surrendered my gay life. God has
lead me to share my testimony to thousands on the Internet, church
outreaches, schools and various religious functions. I am currently the Director
of the Red Ribbon AIDS Project which is a ministry that not only Educates and
Prevents the spread of HIV/AIDS, but helps direct and assist individuals who
tested positive with the HIV/AIDS virus. I know I have so many dreams and
goals but most importantly Eternal Life in Heaven that would have never have
been possible without God being #1 in my life.

-- Daniel

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in

whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my
stronghold.” Psalm 18:2 NIV

Yes, It's Possible

After being straight for 29 years now, I look back and wonder how I was ever
gay. Two kids, a wife, all the great trappings of suburban life and unlike some
people claim, I don't wonder what I missed. I don't think about going to a gay
bar or sex with a man. I think about other stuff, getting leaves out of the
gutter without falling off the roof, getting enough money to pay for my
youngest son's college and getting the car to the garage for a tune-up.

I admire all those who make the change from the left hand lane...and my heart
goes out to them. I left homsexuality through psychotherapy, before it
changed.

I didn't have to face a society with magazines and tv promoting the lifestyle as
something wonderful. Althougth my mother thought it was perfectly okay and
sent me to live with three gay men when I was 17.

I wasn't a Christian, I was a guy who asked, why am I queer? What makes me
this way? Do I have to be this way if I don't want to?

But now, it's cool to be gay. There are high school clubs, college clubs and gay
49
men and women believe in their cause. They fight for it, they seek to make
everyone believe in it by legislating, by creating safe havens, by marching,
rallies and parades. They create a beautiful spectacle of freedom from
conventional behavior. "Loud and Proud!"

So to those who seek to leave, who seek to change, I can tell you it is not
easy. Yep, I still get the occasional dream, or a thought crosses my mind and I
wonder where it came from but I'm not going to act upon it. It disappears. But
I can promise you that if you are not a Christian, there is still help out there.
But if you are a Christian then you have a God who loves you and will bring
you wholeness, you see I believe that those who love Christ can become whole
again, as God intended. And I also think that that Dr. Alden was right when he
said that it was easier to help a homosexual than an alcoholic.

So keep faith. This is not going to be an easy fight, it will be a nasty one. I
spoke out the other day and what happened afterwards was not pretty. I was
attacked because I asked a question, "What if someone doesn't want to be
gay, can they change?" at a gay tea party at the local college. I was attacked
in the parking lot of McDonald's across the street.

So what do we need to do? We work, we write letters, we bring hope to one

another. We have to share and say, "I was once gay," and then explain
yourself with clarity and reason.

We also need to support PFOX and other groups, with time, talent and money
so that they can get their programs into schools across the country. In the
end, it will be the courage of ex-gays, the belief that God will truly help and
the support of our friends and family that will push the issue to the forefront.
But as I said, it ain't easy baby and I have learned a lot.

But I want those of you who strugle with your feelings to know that I too once
struggled and suffered and in time, I changed.

God bless.

Steven
http://pfox.org/diary-ex-gay-man.pdf

http://www.pfox.org/Former_Transgender_Tells_His_Story.html

Former Transgender Tells His Story

In his own words, this is the story of Darrell, an African-American
former transgender. PFOX raised funds for his reversal surgery

As a boy, I began to feel same sex attractions at age 13. I acted out with older
kids and then became involved with older homosexuals and bisexual men.
When I moved away from home, I encountered a man who I thought was a
woman. He introduced me to other “men” like him, who befriended me. We
spent lots of time together. I asked them how they got that way. So one of
50
them introduced me to a downtown doctor, who evaluated me and gave me
my first shot of estrogen so I could start looking like a woman too. At that
point I became afraid. But my friends were there to help me. The doctor left
me with my own estrogen and steroid pills and refills. I was on my way to
becoming a woman just like my transgender friends.

As a result of the estrogen, I became physically developed as a woman, even

though I was not one. The hair on my body and face started to shed. A month
passed by. I became scared at what I saw in the mirror. Nonetheless, I was
happy with what I was seeing.

Along with the physical changes, my personality changed. I became very

arrogant. Even though the estrogen pills had enlarged my breasts, I wanted
more. So my transgender friends introduced me to an attractive man who
owned an extremely large and beautiful house on a hill. He took me into his
basement and told me to lie down on a table.

He massaged my breasts. Then he injected my breast with silicone gel and

began to pump up the breast. I saw my breasts increase in size right before
my eyes. He asked me to let him know when to stop. I was breathing very fast
with fear. But in less than two hours it was over. I began to realize that this is
commonly how transgendered men get their breasts – through unauthorized
silicone injections. Sometimes they get together for what is called a “pumping
party” and inject each other.

But I was pleased with my new breasts. I thought I looked attractive and was
reinforced by the compliments of my transgendered circle of friends.

However, as the years went by, I became depressed. I was never able to be
happy or find true love. I was in love with a guy that I thought was the best
thing that had ever happened to me. But he was abusive. Despite the abuse,
there was almost nothing I would not have done for him. But it was all for
nothing because he left me for someone younger. In the homosexual and
transgender life, youth is very important. As a result, I was obsessed with my
body and personal appearance. Acceptance by others in this lifestyle requires a
good body and good looks.

In order to be part of the transgender crowd, men must meet certain criteria.
We must have more dominate female features; in other words, look more like
a woman than she actually does. So we had to have bigger breasts, more
shapely hips, flawless complexion, etc. In order to keep up, I had to buy the
most expensive creams, take a regiment of hormone pills, do my makeup in
the mirror for hours, etc.

It took me a long time to fix myself up and keep up with the beauty regiment,
especially since I was not a woman. So although I looked better than most of
the women out there, it was all a charade because I was not even a woman to
begin with and it took so long for me to look like one. Going to a bar or party
as a woman was hard work. The performance was an everyday lie.

51
But the praise from the others in my crowd of transgender friends kept me
going. I was the center of attention and felt important. When younger
transgenders joined us, I took more hormone estrogen pills to look more
physically female, even though the increased dosage made me physically ill.

One time I saw myself from a side mirror and was frightened because I
thought it was someone else. At one point, I was so depressed and lonely that
I went to the public rail system wanting to be rescued, even if it meant going
to jail. I carried half a gallon of whiskey and was sobbing on a public bench. It
was raining that night and I urinated on myself over and over again. I was
drunk. I felt sorry for myself because no one else was. After many letdowns
like this, I wanted to change my life.

No one reached out to me, so I turned to Christ and stopped taking hormones.
Slowly I began to look like the gender of my birth. I went back to calling
myself by my male name, the one my parents had given me and that I had
abandoned all those years when I was trying to make believe I was a female. I
began to see that I was a new creature in Christ. I began to like myself and
associate with people who were Christians. They loved me unconditionally and
I didn’t have to always look “beautiful” to be with them.

Eventually, no one could tell I had been a female for all those years – except
for one thing. I still had my breasts. So now I was a man with female breasts.
What had once given me so much pride was now a source of agony for me. I
did not have the money to pay a surgeon and hospital operating room to
remove the silicone from my breasts. Of course, the procedure was not
covered by insurance. I didn’t know where to turn for financial assistance,
because I felt no one would understand how I got into this mess and instead
tell me I deserved it. But I knew God did not want me to live like this. He had
made me complete in His love and He would complete me now.

I heard about PFOX, Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays, a non-profit
organization that had raised funds for the reversal surgery of another former
transgender. PFOX agreed to raise funds for my surgery, anesthesia, and
operating room. They found a Catholic plastic surgeon to perform the operation
at a reduced rate. A Christian woman financed the operation. Who would
believe that people could be so kind to make such contributions for someone
like me?

There was a lot of anticipation and anxiety waiting for the day of my reversal
surgery. I thought that day would never arrive, and when it did, I was scared.
At one point I began to think I did not deserve it.

After the surgery was over, I looked down to see the final results and I never
looked down again. Now I could do the things I had always wanted: go to the
gym, meet people, try on clothes without fearing that someone would walk in
on me, and become more physically active. I began to experience a confidence
I never had before.

Today I am ready for the Lord to move me to another level so that He will
52
continue to work in my life. Jesus changed both my body and soul. I have been
changed to be unchangeable. Not in a million years did I ever think I would be
giving this testimony. Take it from me, regardless of what you have done or
who you did it with, when God is in you, your life will never be the same. Jesus
Christ is the best thing that happened to me. He is more beautiful than any
woman I could ever try to be.

The Need for Male Mentors

Anonymous Letter from a Homosexual to the Church

Dear Church,

I’m in such pain; I just had to write something to someone, because there’s no
one to call at this hour. Don’t think poorly of me because I am still learning to
lean on God… and because sometimes I need arms to hold me; even God said
it is not good that man be alone. I don’t want to disturb anyone at this hour.
I’m afraid if I did, they would reject me… people seem to be eager to help
when it’s convenient. For me to call someone now would be inconvenient, and
I could not take the possible rejection on top of the pain I already feel in my
heart. Sometimes the stuff I'm forbidden to have can look awfully good when
I'm feeling empty on the inside, with no one to call.

I like what I’ve learned from the bible, even though it’s hard to accept some
things. But I need more; I need to see Jesus modeled by the Church. I need to
see you who believe actually BE the ears, arms, and eyes of God. I need
friends. I need guys in my life I can get together with - pals, buddies… I need
the stuff I didn't get growing up, and that most guys don't have time for in the
Church - because they have families and fathers and careers already. But I
don’t need a baby sitter or a teacher; I need a human being who cares and
who is willing and able to be a friend. I need men in my life who will love me
where I’m at, who are willing and able to spend time with me; I need men to
show me examples of what a healthy relationship between men looks like, not
just an hour a week at Sunday school… but in real life.

I think guys who have families forget what being single is like... some will
argue the reverse, that I’m better off single… but they don’t know what they
have – and they would rethink things if they found themselves alone, as I am.
They want to fix me, and think that I should bury myself in work like they do;
but maybe that burial is why their marriages are dying. Maybe I’m not the only
sick one here – maybe most guys are just as scared as I am over sharing their
hearts. I've had several suggest that the right job would fix my loneliness...
but I know from personal experience that work doesn’t fill the need for human
contact, and the secular workplace doesn’t fill the need for Godly relationships
with other men.

Sometimes you, men of the Church, make comments that I’m too open, and
sometimes I think to myself, “You should be a man, keep the feelings in and
be strong.” But is this really what God wants – or is it male pride? I think those
words “Be strong” are whispered directly from Satan’s mouth into my ear… and
53
the ear of every man… because in my strength, I draw away from needing God
and others, and I am really weak – even though my pride fools me into
thinking I am powerfully “self-reliant”. And when I am weak, I am strong,
because I am more connected with God and with other men… because I need
them.

Heck, the people I can relate to most in any setting seem to be the older ones
or the kids - because most of the guys my age have lost something that kids
and older people have. I don't know what it is, maybe people my age are too
arrogant, too set in our ways, too proud, or too busy to be bothered with such
“trivial” things as friendship and love. I miss friends from my old life… because
even though some of those interactions might have been sinful, at least I had
friends who would spend time with me. The Church can seem pretty sterile
when the only time I see you – you who call themselves “brothers and sisters”
– is in a bible study or at church. I feel like I'm starving for human interaction,
when all I get is two or three hours a week in groups. Is this what you would
call “ministering”?

Do you, dear Church, want to know the real reason I stumble into pornography
and gay sin? It is for one reason: I am starved for relationship, for friendship,
for touch... but I am afraid to ask, and be told “no” yet again. The
pornography might be sin, but at least the “high” took my mind off the pain of
isolation for a little while, when you weren’t willing to; and pornography is
always there; you, men of the Church, are not. It made me forget my
loneliness. When life gets tough, you have wives and family to comfort you –
or at the very least to keep you occupied. When my life gets tough, married
men tell me to seek comfort in God – spoken from the comfort of their wives
arms. This is convenient… for them. I have put work into relationships, and
you didn’t have time, dear Church. It’s funny how you have time to condemn
homosexuals, to rally to abolish gay marriage, or get on the band wagon over
this cause or that, all in the name of God. But you don’t have time to be
friends with a homosexual who wants to change. If I were to define hell, it
would be "a void of relationship". If I were to point to a place on earth where I
have found the most hell, it has been within the walls of the Church. I’m tired
of all the verses and the theory. You want me to change; stop talking and
SHOW me how to be a loving Christian in Godly relationships by LIVING that
theory with me, by inviting me into these relationships… or I will stumble – and
you, men of the Church, will not be guiltless.

I want to live life, to share life with people. There seems to be no outlet for me
– the single male struggling with sexual brokenness – to do this, other than
little bits here and there. I have much to offer, along with my peers, even
though I am also needy. I want the touch of another human being. I want it to
matter when I laugh and when I cry, and I want the tears and laughter of
others to matter to me. I am frustrated by so many things in not only our
society, but in the Church; men do not know how to love one another as God
intended... if we all did, there wouldn't be so much homosexuality; it is a
backlash, a result of men not loving as they should... including you, men of the
Church.

54
I have one dream... I want Jesus to hold me, to let me cry, to sob, to let my
body shake with the grief of the losses I have felt in my life. I want him to be
there and hold me through it, whether I cry for a minute, a day, or a year...
until finally there are no more tears left. And then I want to fall asleep in his
arms, I want to be safe. I want to go back, to be a kid again, and to get what I
didn't get back then, what I can't get now by myself, but which can only come
through Jesus and through other men in a healthy way. I am frustrated and
angry - and I feel cheated, that I have no attraction to women, that I have no
family. I have worked so hard simply to overcome the trauma of the rejection I
went through from my father... he didn't mean to do it, but I carry those deep
scars, and they go right to the foundation of my heart.

Do you want to crucify the homosexual, or save him? If you want to save him,
here I am, and I’m asking to be saved. I’m asking you to be Christ’s arms and
ears, to hold me and let me cry, to let me know Jesus does care about me –
that even though I feel rejected and broken and alone, at least someone does
care. Or do you want to help in theory, so you can feel good about yourselves?
Or maybe it’s just easier to throw the first stone. Some days, I would thank
you for throwing that stone; the pain would end.

I know you can't fix me. You may not know what to say. Men of the Church,
you think you have to say something profound to "fix" others. Wrong. You are
here to teach me God’s ways by EXAMPLE, to be examples of love in a world of
hatred. Ironically, I – the homosexual – am here to teach you, too, men of the
Church. “To teach us?” you may ask in shock. Yes, to teach you something
you’ve forgotten; we are here to teach you the strength of vulnerability, the
power of facing the truth - we are powerless, that we are all broken and we
can fix nothing... that Jesus died to fix us. When in my weakest moments I
share with you, I am doing what God wants me to. I am an example of
vulnerability, and my example gives you – men of the Church – permission to
shed your masks of self-strength and self-righteousness. Listen and learn, men
of the Church: we can’t put on God’s armor, until we first take off our own
useless armor… and we can’t do that until we set our pride aside, and get
honest with one another. I’m ready. Are you?

-- A struggling homosexual

http://pfox.org/For-us-July-2009.html

For Us

Hi Everyone,

I lived a homosexual life in the 1970’s. No one knew it except for other people
in homosexuality. The women that was my partner left her previous partner of
8 years for me while her partner was in the hospital. I thought: how is that any
different than what regular couples do to each other.

I was delivered from homosexuality in 1979. It was ugly. This women who I
had been with wasn't mad because I left her, it was because I left her for a

55
man. She kept my little girl’s toys and stuff and was telling people things that
weren't true. What was funny then was she didn't mind that I went and had
sex with a guy. Cause she was having sex with a man to get pregnant. So it
was ok to cheat on each other -- just never leave her.

Just after 9-11 happened, one of my sisters was telling me how if the draft
went into effect that she was going to tell her son to say he was gay so they
wouldn't take him. Without telling her about my past I tried to tell her that
wouldn't be a good idea to mark him like that. Before I knew it I was telling
her about what I had done. My relationship with my sister has not been the
same. Now she tells me I need to accept who I really am – supposedly gay!

2 - 4 years ago I told my now husband and kids and grandkids. I had been
helping in a group
for people who wanted out of homosexuality and felt I was leading two
separate lives by staying closeted as an ex-gay. God had truly put me with a
wonderful man. To this day he is very supportive of the Homosexuals
Anonymous group that I talk with. My kids tell me we have all made mistakes.
And when someone tells them they are thinking about the gay lifestyle, my
family gives them my name and phone number.

I do know it's not an easy road to go down, to tell people about being ex-gay.
Then I wonder what if the Paul the apostle had kept quiet about being forgiven
from killing Christians. Just last night God had me reading:

1 Corinthians 6: 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you
were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by
the spirit of our God.

I thought I was condemned forever until I was shown that verse about 10
years ago. God is in saving everyone that wants to be saved and follow HIM.
He is there everytime I want to give up or the world says it's ok, that's how
God made you.

It wasn't easy for me to do these things and I still would like to crawl under a
rock at times. At the end of the day, if I allow Him, I can hear Him say, I am
His.

Smile like you're dancing with Jesus

Millie

I became so advanced in my heterosexual sins that I often seemed one small

step from homosexuality. I used to encounter transexuals in the strip clubs in
the city I live in. I didn't actively pursue them, but was fooled twice. I was also
fooled once on the street. At the end of the line I saw that taking the next step
would only be a matter of making a decision. I had seen enough gay
pornography to become desensitized to its nature, or unnature. I even
contemplated becoming a male prostitute out of desire for "extra" money.

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1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the
body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

-- Dave

___________________________________

I am a person who was molested as a 9 year old by an older male. Naturally

when I grew up the prospect of another experience with another male was
exciting. That was my first sexual experience after all. How can I erase that
first experience? I can't of course.

Living through this has opened my eyes. Sex is a special category of the
human experience. Gays know that if you think about something or someone
long enough sexually you can achieve excitement. Gays also know, though few
will admit, that arousal is the goal. Any means to achieve that elevated state is
embraced. This is where some rather bizarre behaviors occur: "golden
showers", "scatting", cross dressing, etc are included. Whatever results in the
aroused state is embraced. Arousal is god. Gays know that you can "play
games" with your brain to find those behaviors that result in peak arousal. It is
possible to misuse our bodies and minds. Hello? Orgasm does not justify
anything.

I have known men who swear they have always been attracted to men but I
know that some of them were also molested as boys by older "boys".
Childhood molestation gay men will not admit because that would weaken the
"born that way" justification. Privileged liberals fortunate enough to be raised
in neighborhoods without perversion and molestation have no comprehension
of the darker, depraved states of mind arousal junkies live in. Hurray for PFOX!
The more they try to destroy you, the more people will realize who the liars
are.

Michael

My wife mentioned once that she went to her mom when she was in 6th grade
and said "I don't like boys, is there something wrong with me?" Her mom
essentially said "no, and you will....you are still young and many 12 year olds
are not interested in the opposite sex yet".

We speculated that her mother could have very easily turned her into a lesbian
at that moment, she agrees that she would have been inclined to listen to the
wisdom of her mother had she turned the conversation in that direction like
some parents now may have. Had she done that, there is a good chance we
would not be happily married with two beautiful children.

-- Dan

I am 45 years old, and have, in the last 5 or so years, come to identify as

straight. From the time I was 15 (when a guy pushed himself on me for sex)
until I was about 44, I identified as gay. But I began fantasizing about women

57
sexually a little bit, about 5 years ago. Just a little at first, until that was all I
thought about. No therapeutic program or religious program helped to change
me. I believe that what changed, was that when I was 35, I got a job in
management of a dept. of engineering technicians. All the men I managed
were very masculine. Secretly I wanted to have sex with a lot of them at first.
But I had to "act" the part of being a confident, masculine man. After a couple
of years of that, hanging out with the other guys at a sports bar after work
(that was the routine), and developing good friendships with them, I noticed
changes.

I actually began to be more confident. I began to have vague attractions

toward women. I began to not be attracted to the men I worked with, but
began to feel like "one of the guys". The heterosexual feeling grew to the point
that I had to act on them. I finally met a woman who knows all about my gay
past, and she is fine with it. I found I could sexually function with her. The
intimate satisfaction I have with her is physically and psychologically WAY
better than I ever had with men. I used to believe I was born gay. I had no
desire at all to be straight; I was fine with being gay. I am glad I changed, and
I believe what changed me was a re-orientation effect of relating to masculine
men in a friendly, non-sexual way. I don't know if this would work for other
gay guys, but it sure did for me.

--Matthew

Diary of an Ex-Gay Man, Part 1

By Jake Taylor

© 2008 pfox

Dear reader,

My name is Jake. I’m an ex-gay man in my 20’s from England. This diary is for
all those who are opposed to the idea of change in sexual orientation.

Experts have been researching sexuality for decades. They tell us sexuality is a
changing and fluidic entity in many people. Data shows that sexual feelings
can vary over the course of a lifetime. The statistically proven fact is that many
people change their sexual orientation. I am one of those persons.

I don’t feel very sexually attracted to men anymore; I now find girls much
more attractive.

At one time, I did not. Now, I do.

At one time on lonely nights I fell asleep imagining myself cuddled up with
another man; now I can only imagine myself with a feminine girl.

Some people are uncomfortable with this fact. They are so insecure with their
own sexuality that they cannot accept that some people no longer share their
58
feelings.

They’re more than happy to see people turn gay, but they don’t like it
happening the other way around. Sometimes men like myself are called hate-
mongers. Simply because I don’t want to have sex with men anymore!

Would they like me to keep quiet about my sexuality change, to “live a lie” and
deny that anything happened? The answer seems to be yes! They wish to
silence me, deny me the right to live my life as I choose, and would like to
force me to lead a lifestyle that they think is right!
Not only am I not gay anymore, but I'm happier too. I will lead my life the way
I choose to lead it - not the way anyone else tells me to. I chose to change my
sexuality. And it worked.

To quote the gay rights protesters,

I’m here,
I’m no longer queer,
GET USED TO IT!

Signed,
Jake

About me

Hello. My name is Jake. I'm a young man in my 20’s from the United Kingdom.
At one time I was only attracted to other guys. I didn't find girls emotionally or
physically appealing in any way. I was gay, I had boyfriends (fell "in love"),
and slept around with other men anonymously for sexual thrills. However, like
some other gay people, I was not happy (although the sex was admittedly fun
at times and highly addictive). I did not want my future to be like that of the
pathetic old gay men I saw in the "gay" world.

Thankfully, in March 2003 I discovered a form of psychotherapy, often called

Reparative Therapy or Gender Affirmation therapy. It attempts to treat the
root causes of your homosexuality, and gradually allow your heterosexual "true
self" to appear. The therapy has success rate typical for most forms of
psychotherapy, about a third of persons who do it properly and don't give up
experience "good change." Thanks to much determination, I am among those
for whom it has worked well. My homosexual attractions have diminished
significantly, and I have been experiencing greater and greater heterosexual
feelings for the first time. Hopefully I will continue to progress even further.

Here in my diary, I reveal the daily struggles and successes of a person

struggling with unwanted same sex attraction (SSA).

Development

Over two decades ago, I was born a healthy heterosexual baby boy. However,
of the next few years, foundation stones would be laid, finally to be built upon
by same-sex attraction.
59
Of the many things that contributed to my SSA, I'd have to say the most
significant were wounds inflicted by my peers - making me feel excluded,
inferior, etc., to other males. Although that may have not happened if my
mother hadn't been so over-protective of me when I was a child, and had
actually encouraged me to mix with the other children and play sports with
them. My parents set me up for SSA, but it was my peers that finally
hammered the nails into the coffin. Even if my parents were perfect, I still may
have developed SSA.

When I was a teenager, I developed an acute inferiority complex with regards

to anything masculine. I felt totally inferior to the men I saw around me and
on TV, and as much as I wanted to "be a man," that goal always felt far
beyond my reach. I wanted to be a strong, tall, and confident man. Instead I
felt like a weak, short, excluded, and inferior boy. Hence, I started to admire
the masculine appearance of men, as something I wanted to achieve but never
could. Mixed with the loneliness, father-hunger, my overbearing mother, and
early sexual experiences with other males, I longed for male affection so much
that my SSA became firmly rooted in my mind and heart.

I add to this the influence of the media - telling me that my feelings meant I
was "gay" (rather than the genuine needs for male affections and affirmation
that they really were) and nothing could be done about it. The media also
made me believe that the only way to get the affection from other males that I
needed and wanted was by homosexual means.

A 'gay' life

Needless to say, by the time I was twelve years old, my sexual feelings had
been set as entirely homosexual. By the time I was twenty years old I had
slept around with many other males, had a handful of boyfriends, and was
heavily addicted to gay pornography. However, I was unhappy. The gay life of
constant sex, blood tests, and fleeting relationships quickly became empty.
The fashionable gay culture soon seemed pathetic, bitchy, selfish, materialistic,
and shallow.

Seeds of Change

Later on, two heterosexual guys befriended me. Their influence and their
friendship soon led to me feeling more like 'one of the guys'. I started noticing
small, although weak, heterosexual flashes. I decided to investigate the causes
of homosexuality, and to see if others had experienced changes - no matter
how small - in their sexual feelings. I discovered the National Association for
Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) and People Can Change and
soon entered into therapy in March 2003. One year later, those small
heterosexual flashes have grown into strong sexual feelings, while my
homosexual attractions have weakened significantly. Men are no longer
mysteriously attractive things to me. They're just mirrors.

Why It Worked
60
I have been fortunate that the therapy has worked so well and so quickly for
me. I believe this is because of my age, my studying of therapy books, the
help from others, my mentorship program, and the huge amounts of time and
effort dedicated to my treatment. The therapy has not caused me any harm
whatsoever. On the contrary, my self-confidence has never been greater, I find
it easier to make friends, feelings of guilt have disappeared, and my bouts of
depression ended long ago.

I look forward to the next year of therapy. Perhaps one day in the future I can
say that I'm entirely heterosexual.

My ex-gay diary begins

Hello and welcome. This is my first entry (and it's a bloody long one!).
The development of my homosexuality was fairly typical. A distant father; a
close possessive mother; not being as "rough" around other boys; having no
one kindle an interest for sports in me; my parents had an unhappy marriage;
I had "good little boy" syndrome; I would have to sympathize with my mother
when her needs were not met by my father; I was exposed to sex and
pornography early in life; I had early sexual experiences; I felt "different"; I
had more friends who were girls than boys; I suffered great depression and
self-pity for my situation; I had negative male role models whom I did not
want to emulate; I was defensively-detached from all other males, scared of
being hurt and rejected by them; I didn't feel like "one of the guys", but I oh-
so-desperately wanted to be!

You get the idea. I fell well within the typical developmental model for SSA
(Same-Sex Attraction, i.e. homosexuality) as understood by Reparative
Therapy.

However, as a teenager, I felt as though there was nothing I could do to

change my sexuality. My personal beliefs and convictions told me that the gay
life was deeply wrong and immoral. I really didn't want to be gay. I did not
want to be different. This belief was reinforced as I grew older and experienced
the “gay scene” and saw how dreadful it was.

I've always been a very studious person. I'm not stupid. I will study and
research something when other people are willing to accept something at face
value. When I was about 15 or 16, I decided to study in depth the claims that
homosexuality is genetic. After a short time it became apparent not only that
the "studies" touted as proof were complete rubbish, but that homosexuality
could *never* be genetic as it contradicts what we know about genetics and
genetic inheritance (the book "My Genes Made Me Do It!" is a good summary
of the evidence).

Armed with this knowledge, I became increasingly convinced that

homosexuality must be environmental. I had also heard several stories of
straight men that "discover" they are gay, and many stories of gay men
"experimenting" with heterosexuality. "Surely," I thought, "sexuality is fluid
61
and not fixed!"

The months passed. Then I was befriended by two other guys of my own age
who were not gay like me. Now, normally I would try to ignore straight guys
my own age and be extremely ambivalent towards them. I may want to be
their friend, but after a while feelings of inferiority or being "different" would
make me unenthusiastic. I would also be unwilling to return phone calls, make
arrangements to go out with them, etc., because I would want them to "prove"
that they want to be my friend.

So, usually, I couldn't keep friends.

However, these two guys were different. They were *extremely* persistent. No
matter how much I allowed my defensive-detachment to sabotage my
friendship with them, they would keep coming back and keep including me in
their activities and their lives.

Over the next couple of years these two guys helped me more than they could
ever know. I actually felt like *one of the guys* for the first time! Their strong
heterosexuality seemed to rub off on me. I, for the first time ever, started to
have heterosexual "flashes". What I mean by that is, I had small, but
noticeable, feelings for good-looking women.

This puzzled me enormously. Feelings for girls? Eh? Where did that come
from? I had never had any romantic feelings for girls before. I simply didn't
realize the significance of what those two guys did for me.

I couldn't just let this rest, so I had to find out what it meant. I searched the
Internet for information on changing sexuality. Of course, I came across many
pages ridiculing the very idea of change from gay to straight. "But," I thought,
"I have seen some change! So it must be possible to some extent." After much
searching, I eventually came across www.NARTH.com

WOW. I couldn't believe it. I must have read the entire NARTH website in just
a single night. For the first time I saw that: 1) homosexuality IS environmental
as I suspected, 2) change IS possible, and 3) I knew WHY I had experienced
the small changes I already had.

"Eureka!" I thought. Within the next couple of weeks I ordered as many books
on Reparative Therapy as I could. Each book was read cover-to-cover within a
couple of days, then read a second time with a highlighter pen.

EVERYTHING fell into place. I knew for the first time exactly why I was "gay."
It became so clear that I felt a little embarrassed that I had never noticed
these *obvious* symptoms before. To be honest, I felt a little silly. I had done
so much study and investigation into homosexuality in the past that I was
astonished how I could have missed these truths for so long.

Since then I've made huge progress in my study and self-therapy of SSA
(Same sex attraction). I've also been a member of an online support group run
62
by www.peoplecanchange.com which has helped me a lot. I also began
counseling with a therapist via the telephone in California.
My SSA has decreased noticeably. When I first started the therapy, I would go
to sleep at night imagining that I were lying in the strong arms of another
man.

And now? Now that idea seems ridiculous. Men simply do not provide me with
the emotional gratification that I require. I often go to sleep imagining that I
am cuddled up to the girl of my dreams. The idea of cuddling up with a man,
on the other hand, seems pointless and simply silly. It's Soooo "last year's"
fashion. This isn't because I'm resisting my urges. I'm not *making* myself
feel this way. This is simply how I feel. My natural instincts tell me that I can't
get gratification from another man. He cannot give me what I want.

Other men are friends, buddies, mates (In the Australian sense), comrades,
associates, fellow workers, fathers, uncles, brothers, etc. Not lovers!

I simply no longer *feel* gay. The gay world and gay people seem very
strange and unusual to me now. It's like they're a foreign people. I simply
cannot understand them anymore nor understand why they would want to do
what they do. I can't believe that just 12 months ago I was having anonymous
sex with different guys and thought that I was happy and that there was no
way out of that addictive cycle.

So, my progress has been very good! ) I'm *finally* getting free from that
dank prison called SSA. I'll never miss it. And I'll *never* go back.

Progress

I was looking over my first entry that I wrote yesterday, and I thought it may
sound a little too enthusiastic. I don't want to make people feel discouraged if I
they haven't had as much progress as me.

So, I thought I'd mention what I've done as well as the set-backs I've had.
My self-therapy has mostly consisted of a daily thing, rather than a weekly
thing (like seeing a therapist). Every day I've made an effort to read
something or research something that will help my therapy. Basically, I've put
a ridiculous amount of effort into it. So I expect to see good results.

However, I have had setbacks.

When I first learned about the therapy, I had what Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, a
reparative therapist, calls the "surge of hope" (I think it was Nicolosi, anyway)
at which time my SSA seems to almost disappear overnight, simply due to the
power of hope. Of course, as Nicolosi's book said, this sudden change is only
temporary. After about a week my feelings returned to normal as I began the
long struggle out of homosexuality.
I had been overly optimistic with the surge of hope, and thought I was
practically "cured." So when reality set in, I felt somewhat discouraged. But I
was just being silly. Progress is meant to be slow and gradual over months and
63
years, not a magic trick which is complete in the blink of an eye.

So in the first few months I struggled to keep away from gay pornography.
Eventually this was solved by removing the Internet connection.

A difficult thing for me was controlling my sexual impulses when ill. For some
reason, illness had always -- for as long as I can recall -- tripled my sex drive.
I couldn't yet figure out why this was. Unfortunately, 4 months into my
therapy, while I was very ill with a bad cold, I acted out ("act out" is phrase
which means to have gay sex).

Although this was discouraging, I realized that most people who go through
the therapy have at least one relapse. I also noted how the sex seemed
childish and unsatisfying. I could see and understand what I needed to meet
my emotional needs.

A little while later, with the help of others, I managed to figure out why I had
such an increase of my sex drive whenever I was ill. This insight helped
enormously, and since then I've been ill several times but not had the
inclination to act out.

What about the temptation of gay porn? Well, a couple of months ago I got
Internet access back, and I checked out a gay porn site because I was bored.
But rather than excite me, the pictures just *bored* me. I guess the lack of an
emotional void made the images unsatisfying to me. At first I had some sexual
excitement, however after a couple of minutes the excitement waned and I
just left the site and started doing something else instead.

When you know *why* one finds certain guys attractive, their appeal
diminishes greatly.

If truth be told, because my therapy has enabled me to have sexual attraction

to females for the first time, I've actually looked at girly porn a few times (with
a surprisingly strong level of excitement). Although I stopped doing that also
since I don't want to simply swap one sexual addiction for another.
..//..

Well, there we have a little bit of info to show you that I'm not perfect. Later
on today I'm seeing my therapist, so I might write another entry later on today
if anything interesting comes out of it (and for $90 a session, there damn well
better be!!).
)

G'bye.

Anger

Well I've had my session with my therapist.

We continued to work through the unresolved anger I have towards other

64
males.

You see, a major cause of my SSA is defensive detachment. I've been

disappointed and excluded by other guys for so long that I defensively detach
myself from all guys.

I expect to be rejected, made inferior, and excluded from their activities. It all
goes back to when I was a child and teenager, how other boys would always --
and I stress always -- seem to exclude me from their social activities, but then
openly tell me about them *afterwards*.

So now I get the "fight or flight" response when I meet other guys. I get all
tense, have some feelings of anxiety in my stomach, and expect them to reject
me. I try to keep them at a distance so they can't harm me. Usually I'm the
only one among a large group of guys who won't shake hands, won't take part
in some game, or won't be involved in a lively conversation. I'll just sit there,
all quiet, separated from them.

To try and work through this, my therapist had me picture in my mind

someone who had hurt me in this way. That was easy. There was a guy who
hurt me very bad. I really wanted him to be my friend, and he pretended to
be, but he excluded me and seemed to rub it in. I then imagined he was
standing in front of me, and I said what I thought of him. "Why did you
pretend to be my friend? Why did you exclude me? etc". It brought back some
painful memories -- what happens years ago can still cause just as much pain
today.

Afterwards I felt better. And I felt somewhat empowered. It felt good to

(imagine) say to his face what I really thought of how he had treated me and
excluded me. My therapist asked me what I felt like doing to the guy who hurt
me. I said "I feel like punching him in the face!" So he told me to imagine it!
) Silly, I know. I would never normally punch anyone in the face, but in this
fantasy it felt good to take my power back from that guy who had so harshly
robbed me of it all those years ago.

When I'm next among a group of guys, I've got to realize that I'm simply
angry and upset that I may be excluded and rejected. So next time I'm in a
situation where I feel I'm going to be rejected, (with the usual tense anxious
feeling of anger) I have to realize that while I'm hurt, I should learn to trust
other guys. Not all straight men will reject me. I'm a powerful young man and
can speak my mind.

The thing is, with this defensive-detachment, I would normally *make* myself
excluded. I act aloof around others and try to distance myself, but then
conclude that it's other people's fault and "no body likes me."
So I'm my own self-fulfilling prophecy!

But thanks to my therapy, I'm going to change that.

Delusional
65
I was just thinking about the hilarious ten percent figure I was talking about
yesterday.

I know I keep going on about it, but it does fascinate me.

I remember what it was like to be involved in gay culture. I actually did believe
that 10% of people were gay - although, if I'm entirely honest - I deep down
really thought that all people were gay.

That may sound delusional (and it is), but I really did wonder about it. I found
the all-embracing anything-goes gay world to be enticing, exciting, and
wonderful. The music, the fashion, the freedom, the bars, the clubs, the
magazines, the porn, the liberation. I felt as though I was around people who
finally understood me.

Of course, in reality this was because I felt like an "outsider" among normal
society, and instead of trying to fit in with normal culture, I would associate
with other "outsiders" so we could all be estranged "outsiders" together.

The excitement of the gay culture made me feel that everyone should be a
part of it. Discovering who was gay was also exciting - it was amazing to see
just how many people also feel this way.

So, it wasn't much of a leap from that to suspecting that all men and women
are actually gay deep down inside — they just haven't realized it yet. These
feelings were so strong inside of me that I couldn't imagine anyone ever
feeling any other way. After all, how could guys possibly be interested in girls?
Shouldn't they be all over each other?

But I was delusional. I was speaking as a person with a great emotional

deficiency which controlled my mind and thoughts. I felt such strong same-sex
attractions because of psychological molding in childhood - pain, unmet love
needs, loneliness, and a deficiency of masculinity.
Eventually, however, after doing much research I realized that gays are
actually in the minority.

Most people are heterosexual. Although the excitement of gay bars, a "gay
village", gay parades, and gay literature may give the impression that "gays
are everywhere", the reality is that for every gay bar, there are 1000+ normal
bars.

In my own city, the local gay rights group convinced the local authorities and
local businesses that 10% of the city's population was gay, and therefore there
was a huge untapped market for gay products and services (and the council
had a duty to see they were provided). Well, of course, 10% of people are not
gay. So what happened? Well, several of the new bars that opened are now
bankrupt. The idea of a gay village fizzled out due to lack of public enthusiasm.
One of the new gay bars has turned straight in order to stay alive. I don't think
they even hold "pride" parades here any more.
66
The local council and the local businessmen were fooled by the gay rights
group - in the exact same way the local gays had fooled themselves.
The excitement of the gay world makes you delusional. You think everyone
must feel the same way - you simply cannot understand how people could not
think the same way as you. But this is pure fantasy.

The majority of people did not suffer the same emotional scars and arrested
development that we suffered as children. Everstraight men and women simply
cannot understand why we feel gay. The very idea of two men kissing (or
whatever) is hilarious and utterly ridiculous to them, so much so, that gay
characters are always present in sitcoms and comedy movies, - not because of
increased tolerance - but simply because the very concept of gays is funny and
strange!

In a given year, less than 2% of the population are actively gay. Less than 4%
of people will ever be, even for a short time in adulthood.
It will greatly shock, offend, and upset several people to say this, but I'll say it
anyway: gays always have been and always will be a minority. The whole
world is not, and never will be, gay.

Naked men, naked women, and erections

Hmm.. what to talk about today? .... ***NOTE*** Before you read this, please
note: I don't want any misunderstanding - I am NOT advocating using
pornography in the healing process. **********

Well, I could tell you about something that happened a couple of days back.

About a year ago, me and my buddies bought an issue of Loaded, a men's

magazine dotted with pictures of hot women half-naked. At the time me and
my buddies were lounging around my living room looking at this magazine and
the pull-outs, basically just pointing out to each other how hot a particular
woman was in the pictures.

Of course, I was acting (i.e. lying). I didn't find the pictures hot at all. Just girls
with bikinis on with big arses, as far as I was concerned. "Oh, yeah. She's
really nice," I would nervously chuckle, hoping they wouldn't notice that the
pictures weren't doing anything for me.

Anyways, I kept that magazine issue in a drawer next to all of my Reparative

Therapy books. The other day I got it out again and looked at the "Karma
Sutra" pull-out (basically lots of "tasteful" pictures of fit girls spread all over
the place, with practically nothing on).

But this time.... wah-hey!! Those girls are really, really, hot. And then an
unexpected thing happened, I actually got an erection.

I didn't make myself get an erection. I mean I wasn't feeling myself up or

anything. It just happened. When looking at those girls, I just feel a sort of
67
rush inside of me. The feelings just arise from deep inside and I can't help it.
Basically, I'm getting heterosexual feelings in the same way I used to get gay
feelings. From deep within, so-to-speak.

Likewise, I've noticed changes in my feelings for "hot" guys. I don't know if
you get this in your country, but here in the UK a beer company is running
some commercials for special "light" beer for women. The adverts involve
some physically fit male model basically getting right down to his underpants
in bizarre situations, or have a bucket of water thrown over him to make him
look sexy. It ends with the phrase "something for the ladies."

Now, what surprised me was this: I've seen those adverts on TV a few times
but they don't do a thing for me (not even the first time I saw them). I'm
looking at these guys stripping down to their underpants, and yet the inner
yearning of desire I used to feel (the same yearning I now get when looking at
those women in that magazine) simply isn't there. Which is kind of strange,
since I know I would have really enjoyed those adverts at one time.

They just look like guys, and they're nothing special. Nothing mysterious.
Nothing attractive.

Since I now feel more of a man, when I see guys like that, it's like I'm looking
at myself in a mirror. All I can see are their masculine qualities, which I feel
I've already got. They haven't got anything I want, or want to attain to. I don't
feel inferior to them. They aren't mysterious. They are the familiar; they aren't
my opposite -- women are my unfamiliar opposite.

Basically, I'm just not attracted to guys the way I used to be.
Reparative Therapy works!

Girlfriends

Damn it damn it damn it damn it.

It's not fair. If it's not one thing, its another.

Okay, I'll explain. You see, for some time now I've been wishing that I had a
girlfriend. Which, I guess, is a good thing. Before therapy, the very idea of a
girlfriend was unappealing at best, or filled me with morbid dread of being
"smothered" at worst.

The problem is that I'm just sick of sex. I wish I could have a holiday from it. I
just don't want to have any sexual feelings at all.

When I was gay, I had sex on my mind all the time, totally obsessed with it. I
would spend hours each day masturbating and looking at gay porn (or surfing
the internet trying to "hook up" with guys). Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

So anyway, I'm sick of sex. I'm a bit frustrated that in going through therapy I
now have a new type of sexual feeling to deal with: girls. Like, last night I was
68
driving home from the local pub (that's a normal pub, and I promise I didn't
drink any alcohol!), and I saw this advert in a bus stop for some perfume or
something. It had a really nice female model.

Within a few seconds I was fantasizing that I was having sex with her (which I
suppose isn't a good thing to do while driving). And now whenever I feel
lonely, I just have an overwhelming desire to get a girlfriend. Which bugs me,
since I don't know how to get one.

Anyway, in short: I'm still sick of sex.

I guess yesterday was one of my "good" days, therapy-wise. I know some gay
guys who would pay $$$ to get to the point I'm at in my treatment.

I dunno, perhaps I'm just ungrateful. I've been waiting for months to get to
this point in my progress, I've put in ridiculous and almost obsessive amounts
of work into my therapy, and now all I can do is complain.
I guess you just can't please some people!!!

Random sexuality

How strange sexuality is... I don't know what to classify myself as anymore.
When I was gay, I was gay. But now I'm slowly changing towards the other
direction, what exactly am I?

My sexuality seems to change by the hour, depending on my mood and what

I'm doing. Like, when I go to sleep at night I fantasize about being with a girl
(and I'm turned on), but when I wake up in the morning I keep remembering
sex I've had with men in the past (and, again, I'm turned on).

Last night I watched some TV in the dark, something I haven't done for ages (I
never watch TV nowadays). I used to watch a lot of TV with the lights off,
snuggled up to my boyfriend. So when I did that last night, the first feeling
that popped into my head was that of snuggling up with another man.

Yet, when the lights are *on*, the only thing I can possibly get pleasure from
is fantasizing that I'm snuggled up with an imaginary girlfriend!

Likewise, when I feel down and lonely, the idea of having a guy pay attention
to me, put his arm around me, etc, is at its strongest. But when I'm feeling
good, confident, strong, loved, and happy, all of my erotic and emotional
desires turn to the opposite sex.

What the gay lobby says about homosexuality being "genetic and
unchangeable, like skin color" sounds like a load of bollocks now, doesn't it?

Father figures

I've just finished my therapy session.

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Today I wanted to explore my father-hunger. That's a thing common to gay
men.

The thing is, back when I used to "act out" a lot, I would always go for older
guys. And I mean much older. Guys old enough to be my dad or grandad! That
really used to turn me on. (If that doesn't scream "emotional deficiency," I
don't know what does!)

Whenever I was tempted to act out, I would always think of a particular guy
whom I had slept with on several occasions who was much older than me. He
wasn't anything stunning, physically. He didn't have any particularly good
qualities. In fact, he used me and abused me. But somehow that felt good. The
more he abused me and the more he used me like a piece of meat, the more
satisfying it was. Of course, this was all terribly unhealthy, and I knew it.

So anyway, today I decided to investigate this further with my therapist. Sure

enough, my original thoughts were correct. It's all down to my father-hunger.
The more he used me, the more attention he paid me. The more he abused
me, the more close I felt to him. Even though he forced me to do things I
didn't want to do, he made me feel special. I was like an older man had finally
wanted to be intimate with me.
He actually talked to me! He took an interest! My dad never did (and never
does - unless he wants money).

Of course, the reason he made me feel special and paid a lot of attention to me
was probably because he knew he had hit lucky; at the time I was seeing him I
was 19 and he was in his late 50's!!

But it felt good to have all that attention, intimacy, and even abuse from
someone older than me. It was like my father-hunger was satisfied by
someone who "loved" me.

Yet that was some time ago. In fact, it was so long ago that I'm sure I would
have been dumped by now. I'm sure the abuse wouldn't have always felt good.
The "love" would have only lasted as long as I could provide what he wanted
from me. He would have soon bored of me. If the relationship had lasted, I'm
sure that I would have felt smothered and used. The abuse would have
eventually stopped feeling good. It would have turned sour.

I'm glad I escaped when I did. And now it hurts to look back and see that I
was used by yet another man.

Soon I'm going to start some mentorship with some older male family friends
who have agreed to help me in my journey out of SSA. They are going to be
true father figures to me. They're going to "re-father the adult-child" as my
psychotherapy book puts it.

They've agreed to spend time with me. To listen to me. To have concern for
me. They've told me that they care about me. That's what I really want. An
older man to care about me and pay attention to me in the way my father
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never did.

And I'm sure that will be a lot more satisfying, a lot more fulfilling, and more
long-lasting, than the temporary feeling of comfort I gained from that old
pervert sexually abusing me.

Old entry

Today I'm going to share with you an old entry from a diary I had from when I
used to act-out and lead a gay lifestyle.

It's an entry about three months before I started Reparative Therapy:

I was supposed to "meet" a guy today. I cancelled. Firstly, I can't be bothered.
Secondly, he was one of those guys into leather, which is a bit scary. And last
of all, I hate myself enough today without making things even worse. I'm
supposed to meet another guy tomorrow, too. Right now I'm thinking of ways
to get out of that as well. If I do meet him I think he's wanting to have a
threesome with himself, me, and his "partner."

So - what's more horrible than having sex with a man who's old enough to be
your dad? I know what! Having sex with TWO men who are old enough to be
your dad! I am SO going to make up some excuse to get out of it. Or maybe if
I'm feeling particularly malicious, I may just tell him to sod off

I thought I should talk for a little while about being "out." Well, here's my
situation. My mother knows, and a handful of my friends know.

However, none of them know about any of my sexual encounters. Somehow

it's a lot easier to say "I'm gay" than "I had a guy blow his load in my mouth
the other day!".

Yesterday I was feeling unusually happy. I went to bed at about 1am feeling
rather content, calm, and happy. I'm not 100% sure why, but it was the first
time I felt that way for a while. Maybe it was because I hadn't sold myself
away as a free piece of meat for a few days.
..//..

I was really happy back then, wasn't I? (not)

I think I may provide more of my old entries on other days - especially on
days, like today, when I can't think of anything to say

Loneliness

Yesterday I felt strangely lonely. I'm not sure why. I'd been out with one of my
buddies the day before, and I played Pool in the evening with my Brother.

But for some reason I felt alone and noticeably un-manly. I felt weak and
immature. Whenever I feel like that, my SSA increases slightly and my
heterosexual feelings decrease. On the other hand, when I'm feeling good,
happy, confident, and manly, my attractions to other men entirely disappear.
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If that isn't evidence of SSA being an emotional disorder, I don't know what is!
I mean, can you imagine a heterosexual man saying the same thing? "When I
feel lonely I'm more sexually attracted to women, but when I feel good about
myself I'm barely sexually attracted to women at all" !!!

Of course not!

It's bleeding obvious that SSA is an emotional disorder.

On my mind

There are days, in this struggle, when the subject of SSA is on your mind
constantly. This is usually because of depression, or whatever, that makes the
condition worse. However, there are also days when you're feeling good and
SSA never enters your mind, not even for a second.

That's how I've felt for these past few days. My SSA hasn't bothered me at all,
and I haven't had any same-sex feelings whatsoever. The only sexual feelings
and fantasy have been heterosexual. When I'm like this, it kinda feels weird to
think back to my former lifestyle. I can't believe that I was ever a part of it --
and I certainly cannot comprehend why I ever wanted to be a part of it. Gay
people seem like strange foreigners that I cannot understand. I just can't
understand how or why they feel that way... oh, wait a moment, hang on - I
used to be one of them, didn't I? Oh yes... how silly of me to forget.

Whenever I see gay men I can't help but instantly recognize all the inferiorities
that I used to posses. In many men I can even identify the typical things that
probably caused or at least contributed to their SSA -- if only they knew how
much of a disorder it really is!!!

The gay life is so unappealing to me and -- quite frankly -- I can't imagine why
anyone would want to be a part of it.

But, then again, I've managed to grow out of it and mature into a very good
heterosexuality. Many other men don't have that privilege and are stuck with
their developmental error, spending their lives suffering all the inferiorities, the
uncontrollable attractions, the depressions, not knowing the way out, and not
knowing that it can be overcome.
What a shame.

So-called Homophobia

There's a great article about gay cruising at the Deseret News. It shows how
the police force there is using psychotherapy to help men who have the
compulsion to seek sex with other men in public places.

It's interesting because they are using many of the techniques used by
Reparative Therapy - and it's all supported by the local gay rights group!
They use the technique to help men stop and think when they want to act-out.
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They have to realize when they feel lonely (or whatever) and then try to fulfill
that need in a healthy way. The program has enjoyed good success, too.

The comparison to Reparative Therapy is obvious. If these men continue to

pursue psychotherapy like that, I'm certain that their homosexual desires will
decrease (of course, I believe that all gay men can become somewhat
heterosexual if they undergo enough therapy and provided they put in enough
effort).

Anyway, one part of the article caught my eye. The police force was saying
how the men that cruise usually are family men with a spotless police record,
and less than 1% of them are involved in drugs.

I'm sure the reporter put that little statistic in there to help "prove" that gay
men are not drug abusers, as so many anti-gay campaigners claim.
However, let's look at that statistic from a different perspective. The official
line of the pro-gay lobby has always been that the higher levels of suicide,
depression, and drug abuse in the gay community are due to oppression and
"homophobia". But is that really true? No.

It seems that the more one is involved in the gay world, the "gay scene" with
the bars, clubs, bath houses, etc, the more susceptible to drug abuse one is. It
seems that men who keep their sexuality secret and lead a covert life hiding
"in the closet" seem to be able to cope with life without abusing drugs.

Yet, those people who do have the "loving" support of a lively community,
other gay men, boyfriends, gay culture, and gay support groups, seem to
abuse drugs to a shocking degree!!

Surely, if it was "homophobia" and intolerance that caused the high rates of
drug abuse, then those people more involved in gay culture should have lower
rates of abuse. But they don't -- it's the other way around!

The simple truth is this: the high rates of drug abuse among the gay
community is due to the gay community -- and not due to the so-called
"homophobia". That's a cop-out excuse and the only people who would believe
are blind, ignorant, and most of all, incredibly dumb.

Inadequate resources

Sometimes I get a bit frustrated with the lack of resources to help people in
change therapy.

It's okay for you Americans who have all of your ex-gay groups and Reparative
Therapists dotted all over the country, but for people not living in the states,
it's a bit more difficult!

I can't even get a therapist anywhere in this country of 58 million people -- I

have to telephone one in California -- that's eight time zones away! Not to
mention the fact that psychotherapy is very expensive. If it wasn't for my
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parents forking out the money for it, I could never afford it.

So, let's assume that I could never afford a therapist. What then? Well, in the
UK we have a thing called the NHS, which basically means you get medical
treatment for free. However, thanks to the pro-gay liars, homosexuality is no
longer considered a psychological condition - so there is no chance in hell of
me getting free Reparative Therapy (or any therapy) on the NHS.

So, what am I left with? Well, there are books. Lots and lots of books. I have
many of them. But they are all psychological books, and they are very in-
depth. If I was stupid, had a short attention span, or couldn't read very well, I
would be unable to get the full benefit from those books - if any at all.

So, let's assume I'm stupid and poor, and living outside the USA. What am I
now left with?

Well, there are online support groups. But what if I don't have an internet
connection?

Then I'm screwed.

Gay porn is boring

Yup, it is. It's really boring.

***NOTE*** Before you read this, please note: I don't want any
misunderstanding - I am NOT advocating using pornography in the healing
process. **********

I'll explain.

This morning I woke up feeling rather, well, horny. So I decided that I'd spurge
just this once and indulge in some gay porn from the Internet. I went to a
couple of my favorite sites (sites I always relied on before my therapy) to see
what new porn had been added over the past 9 months which I will have
missed.

The problem was, that I seem to have forgotten about all the progress I have
made in feeling more confident, masculine, "one of the guys", less dominated
by women, having less self-pity, and authentically connecting with other men.

So, what happened when I looked at the porn? Well, after flicking through four
lengthy pages of thumbnails of hard-core gay porn, and looking at a few pics
full-size, I actually managed to lose the erection I had to begin with!

How dull is that?! Looking at the hard-core gay porn actually made me lose my
sexual excitement. Not even the "Bears" section of the website could arouse
me ("Bears" is a gay term for men with a lot of body hair). That used to be my
favorite gallery at one time, along with various other aberrant things I won't
mention. I just can't understand how I used to spend hours and hours looking
74
at that stuff, usually masturbating three or more times.

Well, I guess the therapy is really working for me -- perhaps even better than I
realize.

OK, I admit that back when I was gay, looking at gay porn was actually fun.
However, the feeling of being more confident, masculine, and having great
male buddies, is a lot more fun and 10x more satisfying than looking at gay
porn ever was. Not to mention how lovely and intoxicating some girls can be.

Gay men really are missing out on a whole lot, in my opinion.

The apprentice has become the master

I'm think I might stop going to see my therapist. There's nothing wrong, you
understand. I like him, and he has helped me make progress.
In fact, there's nothing wrong at all. That's why I'm thinking of dropping him.
I've made a lot of progress recently and I think there is very little new insight
he can give me.

The last couple of times I've seen him it's been rather uninsightful. I have
presented to him a problem or issue I've picked, explained it to him,
conjectured why I think I feel that way (with him agreeing), then I've verbally
described how I think I can resolve the problem. He listens, and agrees with
me. He then asks me some questions, to make sure that I indeed do have the
right idea. And it turns out that I am perfectly correct in everything I've said.

In other words... I've read up on the subject so much that there is little
remaining of my condition that I do not understand. I know exactly what I
have to do, what I should be doing, etc, and all I need now is to buckle down
and actually do it!

So all of that obsessive study of Reparative Therapy, with all the note-books,
essay-writing, and highlighter-pens actually paid off! (quite literally, too - save
lots of $$$)

I think I'll continue to see him, but less often. Perhaps once a month. Perhaps
only when something comes up that I can't figure out on my own. )

Another old entry

Not much has happened today, SSA-wise. I was feeling a bit down earlier
today, so I went to see a family friend of mine who knows of my struggles.
Talking to him really encouraged me, as it always has.

Since I can't think of anything more to write, here's an entry from my old
diary, from when I was 19 years old and leading a gay life:

I had another thought today. This time about my future. Where will I be when
I'm say... 50 years old? I'm wondering that because I'm still thinking about the
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guy I had sex with last week. He was probably in his 50's or late 40's. I
thought he was a bit of a perv, but I didn't fully realize how much of a perv he
was until yesterday when he called me. He tried to make me hard over the
phone. He asked me if I'd spunked for anyone else and told me to 'keep that
sweet spunk inside' me for when he next meets me. Bloody hell. That guy is
old enough to be my dad! I didn't find his efforts particularly arousing. If
anything I can't believe I ever met him, never mind had sex with him. I feel
SICK.

But anyway, I digress. That man made me think about myself. Do I really want
to be like him when I'm 50 years old? Do I want to be an old perv who tries to
get 19 year olds hard over the phone? Do I want to become someone whose
main pleasure in life is sexual encounters?
Right now the greatest pleasures in my life are learning new things,
accomplishing tasks (i.e. programming), making true friends, and taking
healthy exercise. I think I am a pretty well-rounded individual (despite my
actions over the recent years). .... And that’s why I really really really DON'T
want to become like him - or like any of the other raving queens down the gay
bar.

I'm not sure where I want to be when I'm 50 years old. But I sure know where
I don't want to be. I don't want my main pleasure in life to be sex. I don't want
to use other people for what they have. I don't want to be assimilated into the
screaming-bitchy-selfish-dramaQueen gay culture.
I don't want to be them. I'd rather be me.
-----------------------------------------------
I thought I was rather a happy person back then. How wrong I was! I was
miserable. Being heterosexual is 10x better. I don't miss my old homosexual
desires at all. Reparative Therapy saved my life.
Yet, I've still got a long way to go. I'm sure that after another year has passed
by, I will be even happier with my new sexual orientation.

Bloody family

Oh why oh why does 'family dynamics' play such a large role in my SSA? It's
not fair. I wish I were one of those guys for whom family dynamics played no
role. Dealing with your family is really difficult and can cause much stress and
conflict.

My sister is driving me insane. She's staying over at the moment and all of the
past frustrations and arguments I had with her as a child are flooding back to
me. She hasn't changed over the years, either. She's still overly-defensive,
bitchy, childish, selfish, manipulative, bossy, violent, and can be calm one
moment yet screaming and shouting the next. You have to be ultra-careful not
to say the wrong thing; otherwise, she'll hurl abuse at you.

She was a highly negative influence on me when I was growing up. Along with
her (a bitch), my mother (smothering/possessive), and grandmother
(interfering/stupid), the impression I had of women was of smothering and
manipulating psychopaths. Couple that with my impression of masculinity from
76
my brother (aggressive) and father (distant/uninterested/smelly/weak) and
you have a very bad family dynamic, almost custom-made for the
development of SSA. (Of course, family dynamic are never the entire story,
however it is a common contributing factor for many men - especially me!).

I try to keep my contact with my family as short and authentic as possible. I

try not to be bossed about by my sister, smothered and burdened by my
mother, and criticized by my father. If I manage to stay in my own "masculine
power" (as some would say) and stand on my own two feet as a grown up
man, they won't be able to belittle me and make me feel like I'm 1 inch tall,
robbing me of any inner sense of masculinity and maturity.

Sometimes they make me feel so small and inferior, like a child, that I want to
just hand my mother and/or sister a pair of scissors and say "go on then, just
cut off my balls and be done with it!!!"

The more I am able to stand up to them, the more masculine I feel, and the
less compelling my SSA.

Pumping Iron

I managed to face many of my fears in the gym. I can actually use the weights
in front of other men without being self-conscious, and I can look at other guys
authentically, seeing the same masculine traits in them as I feel I have in
myself. In other words, they're men just like me and are not "distant" and
"mysterious" (and no longer sexually appealing).

Occasionally there are even some nice girls in the gym. Although, to be
honest, I believe women should be banned from the gym. They take ages and
ages with the machines, spend a long time just sitting around yakking to each
other on the weight benches, and they don't put the weights back in the
correct place.

Sleeping around

I was just thinking about how horrible it used to be when I would sleep around
with other guys.

You'd start off by craving the love, attention, and power that only another man
can give you - sexually. There's a great excitement at "hooking up" and
meeting. After some initial small talk, you get down to business and satisfy
your emotional and sexual cravings. The release of tension is enormous.

However, after you're finished, you go home (or the other person leaves to go
to their home). And suddenly you're right back to square one, in the exact
same situation you were to begin with. You're alone. While you may have
experienced that great sexual "love" with another man, by the time you're due
to go to bed, you go to bed alone with no one to "love" you. You're still alone.
You still crave that intimacy. You're still just as unloved as before.

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If the person you've hooked up with stays the night, it's not really intimacy
and love. You don't even know the person. In fact, in the back of your mind
you have the niggling doubt that you can't be sure if you can totally trust the
person, either. If you cuddle up in bed together, it's not due to love, intimacy,
or knowing each other well, but simply a mutual agreement to provide what
each other wants.

Of course, gay relationships are a different story. They're torrid love affairs
filled with manipulation, fierce attachment, game-playing, and ultimately
disillusionment.

Still, despite all of the above, when I was acting out and doing those things, I
thought I was leading quite a happy life. I felt I could control it, and have a
mastery over it, so I would be able to cope with the cold nature of the gay
world and come out of it happy, somehow.

How wrong I was! I was as miserable as I could be. Of course, I simply didn't
know any better. Now that I've seen the "other side of the fence," I can look
back and see how terribly empty that life was - as well as the life of every
other gay man I've ever known.

Since leaving the gay life, and developing heterosexual feelings thanks to
Reparative Therapy, I've never been happier.

Illusions

"We fell in love. We really did!" said one gay man. Yup, I've been there, done
that. Gay love feels great. You first meet a man, who seems to posses
everything you could ever want in a guy. You have oh so much in common
with each other. You've only known each other for practically 5 minutes, but it
doesn't matter - you're in love. You just love the other person to bits. The
feelings of loneliness and heartache are gone, all of your emotional needs are
met. You own the other person. You do everything together. We're very
clinging. We keep a firm and controlling hold on each other.

Time passes. The other person becomes more familiar, and less mysterious.
You can see his faults, and can also see how he's not quite suited to fulfilling
all of your needs as you had previously thought. He no longer seems as
attractive. Only the distant "mysterious" males are attractive. However, he
continues to fulfill many of your wants, so you keep the relationship going for a
while.

He's gone out on his own without you. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he
masturbating without me? If so, who is he thinking about? Has he cheated on
me? Does he still love me? To try and rekindle romantic interest, there is
teasing, withdrawal of affection, pretending to be offended, being overly upset,
fighting over trivial matters, threats, or denial of sex. The other person then
has to ‘prove’ his love for me by making strong affectionate and romantic
gestures to make amends.

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However, I'm starting to feel smothered. I can't do anything without him
knowing about it or being with me. He can no longer fulfill all of my wants and
needs. There are other men who are more good looking than him. I want to
move on and end the relationship. Perhaps I can find someone else who is
really perfect for me, who can satisfy my needs, and whom I can love to bits.

This is not mature love. Heterosexuals do not fall in love in five minutes. They
do not have, on average, relationships lasting just one or two years. This is
because "gay love" is "an adolescent sentimentality – puppy love – and erotic
craving" that only exists so long as the other person can satisfy one's own
needs. The search for love is more the search for a same-sex friend. Its an
adolescent craving for affection, driven by self-pity. As reparative therapaist
Dr. Aardweg puts it, "Seeking love as a means of comforting one’s hurts may
be passive and ego-centered. The other person is there only to love the “poor
me”.

This is begging for love, not really mature loving. A homosexual may feel that
he is the affectionate, loving, and protective one, but in effect this is a game to
attract the other to himself. It is all embedded in sentimentality and is
profoundly narcissistic. … what is desired is a close, exclusive, affectionate
intimacy, warmth for the poor desolate soul one is."
Dr. Aardweg also says of gay relationships, "The attention-seeking instead of
loving; the continuous tensions, generally stemming from the recurrent
complaint, You don't love me; the jealousy, which so often suspects, He (she)
is more interested in someone else.[It is] neurotic… notwithstanding the
shallow pretensions of 'love'. Nowhere is there more self-deception in the
homosexual than in his representation of himself as a lover. One partner is
important to the other only insofar as he satisfies that other's needs...
Homosexual unions are clinging relationships".

My experience with the Endless Cycle of Gay Love

1. Meet. Fall "in love" almost immediately.
2. Relationship is primarily sexual at first.
3. Sex becomes less frequent, more like friends.
4. Feelings of co-dependence, smothering, possessiveness, and jealousy
appear.
5. Interest in a third party and/or bitch arguments end it at a final 'showdown'
6. Go back to step #1 and repeat.

"Surely, though, there are some gay couples who have good long-lasting
relationships?" you may ask. No, there aren't. Long term gay couples are
always — and I stress always — non-exclusive (that means they have sex with
other people). The 1984 book Gay Couples reported that 91% of gay couples
that had been together for more than 5 years are non-exclusive. One report
couldn't find a single gay couple that had been together for longer than 10
years and remained exclusive.

In the gay world, finding 'Mr. Right' and settling down to a loyal lifelong
relationship is nothing more than a fairytale (no pun intended).

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More of a man

This cold (which I am now finally getting over) has left me feeling all weak and
unmanly again. I hate this. Before I got this illness I was feeling confident
about myself. But now when I look in the mirror, all I see is a less-than-a-
man, a weakling, a girl, a fag.

I've really got to get back into the swing of my Reparative Therapy, which is,
of course, designed to help me feel more confident about myself and feel like
I'm more of a mature young man.

So anyways, I've asked my brother to play football with me tomorrow. I used

to have a morbid fear of playing football, and mixing with the "rough" lads, so
whenever I conquer that fear I feel absolutely fantastic, and my inner sense of
manhood gets a little encouragement. I can't wait to play again! Actually,
when I was gay I loathed football (along with the "ignorance" of the players
and supporters; and their macho attitude). However, now I can really
appreciate it and find it to be a whole lot of fun. I never thought I'd say this,
but I really love playing football!

Following a specific team is another matter, I can't quite understand the

appeal of that yet. But, regardless, these "manly" activities really have broken
down my resistance to identifying with other men. I don't view other guys as
merely "stupid" or "ugly", while putting other men on a pedestal of
"perfection." I no longer keep quiet, but I try to get involved. Such things
really do help me feel like I'm 'one of the guys' and those guys whom I used to
admire as perfection itself are no longer as mysterious -- or as sexually
attractive.

Being held / holding

I remember when I first started therapy wondering about the feelings of being
held at night. Like, when going to sleep at night I used to imagine being held
by another man. I knew that if I was to develop further heterosexuality, that
feeling would eventually change. Eventually I knew that I would have to feel
like I want to hold, not be held, but want to hold a girl. The problem was that
at the time I couldn't possibly imagine why I would ever want to hold someone
else - particularly a girl. Being held by a guy was the only thing that made
sense - anything the other way around was just strange.

Now, however the tables have turned. I cannot image why I would ever want
to be held at all. Holding someone else, a girl, seems like the natural instinct.

Also, occasionally when sleepy, I'll go back to old habits and begin to imagine
that I'm being held by a guy. But then it suddenly feels very weird and,
imagining the guy is lying next to me, I push myself away feeling somewhat
embarrassed, shake the guys hand, say "hello, you alright, mate?" and end up
having a ridiculous 'fantasy' that I'm just talking to an ordinary bloke about
mundane matters.

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When you realize that sex just isn't what you really want, the foundations of
SSA just give way and the whole construction collapses. Sex with another man
is a way of bypassing all of the uncomfortable things like talking, activities,
identification, work, etc. that normally draws you close to other males. Instead
of gaining affirmation and intimacy though these normal channels, you can
bypass them and go straight for the most intimate place - the groin - and
absorb the other person's masculinity into yourself, without the petty need for
authentically getting to know the man in healthy non-sexual ways.

So when the sex is over, you're still just as detached and unfamiliar with the
other man, and all men, as you were to begin with. The sexual intimacy is an
illusion and can never satisfy what you really want - affirmation,
companionship, and identification with the world of real men.
Conversely, gaining that affirmation, companionship, and identification with
real men has the opposite effect. You no longer need to take the short route
straight to sex, because you've already got what you want. So the sex
becomes superfluous and entirely unappealing.

Continued from Part 1

I told my best buddy!

Okay - MAJOR development for me today.

I just told my best (everstraight) buddy in the whole world about my same-sex
attractions (SSA), and my therapy.

I went out with him tonight for a drink, something to eat, etc., listen to a band
in a pub, and just have a chat. Before I had to drop him back off home, I
decided that I wanted to tell him about my SSA, therapy, etc. It must have
taken me well over an hour before I finally got to telling him.
I first explained to him that I'd been undergoing a very controversial form of
therapy for something. I then explained in a vague fashion what it did to me,
and how it had benefited me, and how lucky I was for it to work for me so
well.

I kept saying to him "its very important that you understand that it's no longer
an issue for me" which perplexed him more and more, since I was withholding
what the therapy was actually for. Eventually I told him in a way that he could
work it out himself. I said "The therapy I've been telling you about is used to
treat something we call S.S.A." He tried guessing what it meant, and after
several rather amusing guesses, I gave him an even bigger hint: "The idea is
to replace the SSA with what we call OSA. The 'O' stands for opposite"

He then guessed that OSA stood for Opposite Sex -something- and I told him
he was on the right track. This may sound all very contrived and ridiculous, but
this guy is a great friend and I just couldn't tell him outright. I then told him
"The OSA stands for Opposite Sex Attraction." He then leaned back, rubbed his
eyes as if in deep thought, and then it suddenly dawned on him what SSA
stood for.

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After a nervous chuckle from him, I asked him "Heh, so you've worked it out
then?" "Yes" he replied, with a rather strained voice. He then went on to say "I
think I understand now," after which his listed a few things which he had
thought might mean I was gay. I confirmed that each of the things he
mentioned was, indeed, a symptom of my past SSA (which recently had
changed).

Whew! I had finally told him! Now, of course, I was worried about his reaction.
I mean, will he want to speak to me again? Will he act strangely around me? I
trust this guy very much, and I didn't think he would stop speaking to me. So,
what was his reaction?

He seemed to be alright about it. In fact, he seemed a little bemused by the

whole thing. Before I dropped him off back at his house, he told me to call him
on Sunday if I fancied going anywhere, and since I got back home we've
exchanged a couple of amusing text messages with him. He reckons that I
need to find a girl with big t*ts. If only it were that simple! But what matters is
that he's okay with it.

So: Mission accomplished, and it seems to have gone well.

The most important factor, however, is that I told him for the right reasons. I
didn't do it to draw him closer to me, or to try and get him to "love" me or
"care" for me. I don't need that. The reason I did it (and I believe this agrees
with what I've read by Reparative Therapists) is to just be more honest,
authentic, and comfortable with my friend. After all, he's my best friend and
he's stuck by me before. He should still accept me when he learns more about
me.

So, right now I feel great. It's a huge relief to actually be open and honest to
him for the first time. Now I can ask him all those silly and awkward questions
about what it's like to be straight without him wondering what the hell I'm
asking for!

And again...
This must be what it feels like to come out of the closet. Well... not really. I
told another friend of mine yesterday, you see. This means that both of my
everstraight best buddies know about my past SSA problems, and my current
Reparative Therapy.

This friend seemed to take it even better than my other friend. I wasn't
surprised though, as he knows some gay-homosexuals at College, and he is
good friends with at least one in his class. So if he is comfortable at being
around guys like that, well, I see no reason why he would suddenly reject as
an ex-gay.

He's been perfectly okay about it. In fact, he found it quite interesting that
such therapies even exist. I thought he may have heard something about it in
the news recently, but no, he hadn't.

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We then had a bit of a laugh about how his gay-homosexual friends at College
would react to hearing of such a thing. They'd go APE! So, anyways, we had a
laugh and now he knows all about it.

This is fantastic. Now I can be completely open and honest with them. I can
ask them all sorts of stupid questions about heterosexuality without them
wondering why on earth I'm asking such things. Actually, that's one of the
things I explained to my friend last night, "Remember when I asked you if it
was normal to look at some lasses’ chests before looking at their faces?"
"Yeah.." he replied. "Well, this is why! Because this heterosexuality lark is all
new to me." "Ahhh, I see."

That's true, actually. Eventually you start looking at girls in entirely new ways.
The thing about the breasts, though: its quite weird because even when I was
first gaining some attractions to women, the breasts were not attractive. That
particular appeal is a fairly recent thing. I'm not sure why, but for me it just
didn't happen at first, and it's still not a very strong attraction. Although it my
recent progress is anything to go by, perhaps that will change.

I don't think I'll be "coming out" to anyone else for a long while. Enough
people know already!

Marriage

One of my oldest friends is getting married soon. I'm very pleased for him and
I think the girl he's marrying is very nice and well-suited to him. I'm sure
they'll be very happy.

Now here comes the self-analysis. Until fairly recently, I hated the very idea of
weddings and marriage. In fact, it would really annoy me when my male
buddies would look for girls. It would make me feel left out. I would prefer
them to not look for girls, and just forget about it. I certainly didn't like going
to other people's weddings, regarding them as somehow stupid and annoying.
I would very much resent it when male friends started paying all their
attention to a girl or group of girls. I'd actually feel hurt.

But there's a common thread running through all of that: self-pity. Yes - it is -
it's self-pity.

For example, when I was among a bunch of male friends, and they start
talking about girls and start looking for girls, I would feel left out. I wanted
them to stop doing that. In effect, what did I really want? I wanted them to
stop paying attention to girls and keep paying attention to me. Is that not so?
It's not just a feeling of being left-out, but also a feeling of jealousy. "Stop
talking about girls and start paying attention to poor little me who feels so left-
out and inferior."

In effect, if I had my own way I would keep them away from girls, marriage,
etc, so I can have them all to myself. Is that not an entirely selfish and
infantile way of thinking? Firmly rooted in the self-pity of wanting them to pay
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attention to poor little me? I think it is.
I found a reference in Aardweg's book concerning what some homosexuals
think of marriage:

Some homosexuals "view marriage and the male-female relationship without

understanding, with envy and sometimes even hatred, because the 'role' of
manliness or womanliness itself annoys them; this is, in short, the view of an
outsider who feels inferior" — Battle For Normality - page 67 paragraph 2

And as for wanting attention among a group of people:

"They want to be the most adored, the most loved boy of the group... They
seldom feel on an equal footing with others" — Battle For Normality - page 67
paragraph 3

Are these not the feelings I've described above?

Anyway, with this realization, I've managed to keep my infantile self-pity and
"inner child" under control. Instead of resenting my friend's marriage, I can be
genuinely pleased for him. In fact, the feelings of being left-out, jealousy, and
hatred, have been replaced with another feeling: that of thinking how
wonderful it would be if one day I, too, could find a nice girl and get married.

For me, that's quite a remarkable milestone to have reached!

Neo-Defensive Detachment

For those of you who know a little about Reparative Therapy, you'll know that
one of the most common things among SSA guys is something called
Defensive Detachment.

I thought I had gotten over mine. Indeed, I have managed to conquer and
break through most of it. However, a couple of days ago I met two guys whom
I used to know when I was a teenager. One guy I used to have a crush on, and
the other is a guy I used to feel helplessly inferior to.

Anyway, I met both of these guys when they approached me just to say hello,
and ask how I've been, etc. It was a short but pleasant conversation, we had a
laugh, and it was good.

But afterwards, it hit me: Whoa! Suddenly I had strong feelings of hurt,
offense, and most of all, rejection. These feelings hit me like a ton of bricks,
and I continued to feel that way for the next day-or-so. Along with these
feelings I would feel anxious, with an upset stomach, and tenseness in my
arms and legs.

Why I felt this way isn't a mystery. I've been through it already with my
therapist. To explain it, I'll have to tell you a bit of background first.
You see, when I was a teenager I matured very quickly. For this reason I didn't
want to hang around with kids my own age. Instead, I wanted to hang around
with the older kids. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried, I always
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seemed to be rejected by them. This feeling of rejection was exacerbated by
the fact I had a crush on one of those guys.

After that experience, I developed a very bad defensive-detachment. Very bad.

Rejecting (and at times, being nasty) to others before they could reject me.

So it seems that when I met those two guys a couple of day ago, all of that
started flooding back. I expected rejection. I expected them to make me feel
inferior all over again. Of course, they didn't do anything to make me feel
rejected or inferior. In fact, they were very nice. The problem was with me -- I
was expecting rejection and I made myself feel it. The upset stomach and
tense ligaments are all symptoms of anxiety - as if something bad is going to
happen ("fight or flight").

So anyway, I was left with a choice: either conquer this feeling, or develop
defensive-detachment all over again and be defensive and nasty to those guys
the next time I see them (and, in turn, rebuild one of the cornerstones of my
SSA).

I decided to conquer the feeling. I'm now looking at it realistically. For

example, exactly what could they have done which would not make me feel
inferior and rejected? If I had my own way, would I have them sit me down,
put their arm around me, and pay all their attention to me?

Would I have them say, "oh, yes, Jake, we accept you totally and think you're
great!" or have them say "oh we really like you, please be our friend"?
Basically, I would have them put me as the centre of attention.
That's a very self-centered and infantile want, is it not? "Pay all your attention
to me!" is the real desire at the root of all this. Originally that's what it was all
about, anyway. I was a lonely teenager who wanted attention and affection,
and when I didn't get what I wanted, my inner child basically turned around
and said, in protest, "it's not fair! You won't give me what I want - I hate you!
You make me feel hurt, and I don't want anything to do with you anymore!"
And ever since then I've been defensive, and at times, nasty and anti-social.

So next time I see them, instead of silently protesting that they aren't paying
all their attention to me, I'll try to look at things realistically and be on equal
terms with them. I should try and consider how I can be nice to them, and see
what responsibilities I have in the social setting, instead of expecting others to
pay attention to 'poor little me.'

It will be interesting to see how well I manage to conquer this.

Tell-a-friend

Well it's been a little while since I told my two everstraight buddies about my
SSA and therapy.

And they have continued to take it well. I did think that one of them had
stopped talking to me; however, I was just being paranoid. You see, I had sent
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him a couple of text messages and rang him a few times, all without reply. It
turns out, though, that he's only got 3 pence worth of credit on his phone and
when I rang him he was in the cinema! So anyways, he managed to call me
today just to apologize for not getting back to me sooner.

Apart from my own paranoia, it seems my buddies have taken this very well.

This brings me to something quite bizarre that happened to me on Saturday. I

was at the house of my mentor, and there was a few people around for a social
get-together, with mixed ages, etc. This included that guy I talked about whom
I was in "awe" of when my masculinity was at a low ebb.

Well, everyone was sitting in the living room talking about various things, and
for some reason the subject of homosexuality came up - but the subject was
talked about for what must have been a good 15 minutes (but it felt like an
hour!). But they weren't talking about it in general, they were discussing
things like: "Is it genetic?" "Can it be changed?" "Do some people change?"
etc, etc. I couldn't believe it. I was sitting there completely gob-smacked.
What was even more remarkable was how their views seemed to corroborate
with my own (about it being primarily environmental and changeable).

I started to go all red in the face and my heart started beating really fast. I
knew I should keep quiet, because if I had started to participate in the
conversation I knew I'd end up "coming out" to everyone. So I kept my mouth
shut!

So that was quite amazing. The other thing that was good is how the guy I was
in "awe" of was really friendly to me, talked to me for a while, and even invited
me to go out for a drink sometime with him and a bunch of his buddies.

Yikes.

That was quite a night! I was scared to death, of course, but it felt pretty good.

Why does he like me?

Recently I've been putting in a lot of effort to get to know different guys and
make some new friends. I've been particularly trying to befriend guys who
make me feel inferior in some way (e.g. they're "all man" and I'm nothing in
comparison).

Anyway, I've been having some success with this. However, something strange
has happened that I did not expect. One of these (straight) guys has started
being friendly to me, and actively trying to get to know me! I mean, this guy is
quite attractive, and was the last person I ever thought that I could get to
know well. I never thought he would want to know me!
So it's like this: every time I see him he's really friendly towards me (eh?),
calls me by my nickname (wuh?), and talks of inviting me out on social
occasions (wtf?). This is all great, and I should be pleased, but I can't help
thinking "why the hell does he want to show an interest in me?"
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I just can't comprehend it. The other day when he said hello to me he patted
his hand on my shoulder, and I was just thinking "what the hell are you
doing??" and I must have had a puzzled look on my face. It's not that I didn't
understand *what* he was doing, I just cannot understand *why* he would
want to do that to *me*! I felt like asking "Er, why are you doing this? You're
supposed to be ignoring me! That's the way it works - you're breaking the
rules!"

I'm definitely not used to have anyone take an interest in me, especially
another member of my peer group. The problem is that when he tries to start
a conversation with me, I just don't know what to say. I'm too busy thinking
"why the hell is he even talking to me?; what does he want?"
Don't misunderstand, it's not like I actually suspect he has ulterior motives.
It's nothing like that. I just cannot understand why this is happening, and I'm
totally confounded as to what to do next! I just don't know how to make
friends with straight men... what do I do next? What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to not do? It's all a mystery to me. I fear that if I don't do
things right I may lose this opportunity.

Is this to do with trust? Am I having difficulty trusting him, and opening myself
up to allow him to be my friend? Is this because I've been hurt by other guys
before?

To be honest I'm feeling so mixed up with all sorts of emotions that I have no
idea what to do. I've asked my ex-gay support group what they think, so
hopefully I'll piece it together.

Good advice

My ex-gay support group gave me some really good things to think about
concerning what I said in my previous entry.

Said one (in part), "he likes you coz he sees a man that is real, authentic and
oozes masculinity" and "yes I do believe that it does come down to trust". I
had forgotten about this. I suppose when that guy looks at me, he doesn't see
my insecurities or anything, but only what I look like on the outside. Which, I
suppose, is quite masculine. Sometimes I can even look like a bit of a thug.

He continues, "I know for me when men started paying attention to me and
wanting to be my friend for no other reason than just because they liked being
around me and not for sex, it really freaked me out to start with." So it's good
to know that I'm not the only person to have felt this way!

What another guy also said helped a lot: "Just be yourself... they just want to
get to know you. Maybe you seem real, seem friendly (since you have been
trying to cultivate friendships---that seems kind of natural). Practice just being
you. You asked for it by reaching beyond your normal boundaries...and NOW
by gosh some of these guys LIKE YOU...oh my!!"
That made me chuckle a bit because he hit the nail right on the head! He
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added, "remember that you are just as good a man in everything as those
guys you are meeting. You have nothing to prove to yourself or to these lads."

I knew my ex-gay group would help me a lot, and they have (once again!).

So, I've been trying to take their advice, and I think I've started to see things
more realistically. I haven't been feeling so desperate to win attention and feel
devastated if I don't get the attention from other guys I need. And keeping in
mind that I'm not so hopelessly inferior to them is making things less
frightening and helping me see that I'm not so different from those guys after
all.
..//..

In other news, about that strange bloke, Dr Phil, an American tv "doctor."

From the few minutes I've endured of watching his god-awful show, I could tell
that he was a bit of an idiot who over-simplified things, taking the easiest and
most popular route. So it's not a surprise to learn that he can't tell his arse
from his elbows when it comes to the origins of homosexuality.

Choice?

Today I'd like to talk about the idea that homosexuality is a choice. There
seems to be much confusion about this issue. Firstly, you have the persons
who say homosexuality is a choice, but they mean the lifestyle, and not the
feelings. Secondly, you have the persons who say homosexuality is a choice,
but they mean that the lifestyle and feelings are both choices.

This stirs up much confusion and misunderstandings. For example, some ex-
gays who have an exclusively religious approach to change, claim they are no
longer gay but are now straight. Of course, what they really mean to say is
that they no longer lead a gay lifestyle - they still have the feelings, but just
ignore them.

Hence, if a person who claimed to be "straight" suddenly gives into his gay
impulses, it looks like the whole ex-gay movement is a sham. But, as I said,
this person’s feelings never changed in the first place. He was never really
"straight."

So I'd like to try and clear up a few things. Firstly, and most importantly, I'd
like to consider for a moment whether the feelings are a matter of choice.

I don't believe developing gay feelings is a choice. I never wanted to develop

such feelings. After all, who would? As Jason Cianciotto, a gay rights activist
says, "That anybody would choose to be gay in light of all the evidence
showing how difficult it is to be gay... is preposterous." I agree. Starting to feel
that way is hardly a matter of choice. It just happens, and at the time you
don't know why.

What is a choice, however, is whether one wants to act upon such feelings,
and whether one wants to treat such feelings in psychotherapy. They are the
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choices one has.

Part of the confusion in this matter is caused by the use of labels. When
someone says "gay" or "homosexuality," there is uncertainty of exactly what
they mean. Do they mean feelings or lifestyle? That's why it is better to use
the phrase same-sex attractions (SSA). There is no confusion when one uses
that.

Nobody chooses to have same-sex attractions. However, you can choose

whether to act upon your same-sex attractions, or to treat it with Reparative
and Gender-Affirmation therapies in order to develop heterosexual attractions.

There you go. Now that cannot be misunderstood, can it?

Basics of footy

Today a buddy of mine finally agreed to show me the basics of football (i.e.
soccer) and have a kick-about with me in the park, just showing me the
basics.

I'd like to say that I felt a huge surge of masculine identity and confidence, but
I didn't. I didn't expect to, though. Kicking a ball about quietly with one friend
whom you know very well is hardly challenging, is it? This is not the
challenging part. The part that will really bring out all of the morbid fears, and
rewards for conquering those fears, will be when I play in a 5-a-side game or
whatever.

I can't wait to have the same confidence as the other guys I've been observing
over the years. If only I could be as rowdy as them; to be as tough as them;
to be as accepted as they are; how good that would be.

The more I think about it, and the more I look back on my life while growing
up, the more and more I can see just how much I actually missed out on in
regards to masculine-identification. There were just so many things I never
did, so many things I was never told, and so many things that a father should
do with his son that he never did with me.

I've missed out on so much. So, being confident enough to hang out with guys
who play sports is a great step in the right direction. Instead of looking on
such guys with morbid fear (and feeling hopelessly "different", i.e. inferior), I
can approach such situations with confidence, and hope that in turn I can
make genuine friends and receive male affirmation that I've been denied until
now.

But anyway, that's a long way off. It's all done in small steps. I'm just learning
how to kick the ball and not look like a complete prat when I run (which
apparently I did, so says my friend).

There is one small bit of progress that I have made today: I stopped feeling
sick and nervous after a little while when playing footy today. I wasn't left
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shaking and trembling from the experience - which I usually am when talking
about football.

It's all in small steps...

The awe

Anyways, some good news on the SSA front. Firstly, my efforts to make more
genuine male friends seems to be going very well. That guy whom I mentioned
in an earlier post (who I was "in awe" of) has gotten to know be a bit better,
and I him. And what I've found out is rather remarkable.

I can see now that this "mysterious male" really is hardly any different from
myself. It turns out that many of the things I've been into, or still are into, he
is also. So instead of me feeling like my life and personality are hopelessly
immature and inferior to those of real men, I've been shown that in fact - no -
I am not inferior at all; I really am just a typical young man like he is.

I don't have the skill in the English language to convey just how much this
meant to me. Other guys who are undergoing therapy could understand.
Imagine a guy who you regard as the most manly and mysterious man you
know befriending you, making an effort to get to know you, and then you
discover that you're really not all that much different from him! It's strange.
It's not so much a case of gaining much male affirmation, but rather a case of
having your eyes opened and realizing just how daft your previous inferiority
complex was.

I'm now coming to the conclusion that family dynamics hasn't played as much
of a significant role in my SSA as I had thought formerly. Now I'm making
more male friends, identifying more as a male, and solving my other problems,
I can see that my family only set me up for SSA, rather than caused it. It was
other factors (primarily peer relationships) that triggered my SSA.

In yet other news, I've hitting more milestones in my change efforts. I've had
a few "firsts". Like, one was the first time I was looking at and talking to a girl
I'd just met from the perspective of wondering if she'd like to go out with me. I
even surprised myself a little.

Defensive detachment... again

I still have this problem of feeling utterly rejected by other men at the slightest
little thing. Like yesterday I was in a situation where I spoke to a few guys I
knew. That was all positive and there were no issues there, but with some
guys (especially older ones) I felt like I had to get every single word I say
correct (I cannot allow myself to stumble in speech and make mistakes), and if
they don't show enough interest in me, I would feel utterly devastated.

There have been times when I've felt like I'm in a pit of despair and utterly
stupid and worthless after having tried talking to some guys - despite nothing
really having gone wrong.
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Anways, so after that yesterday I decided to read up a bit on defensive
detachment in Dr. Nicolosi's book. One of things I read was this: "the
homosexual's hurtful relationship with father [or another significant male
figure] results in defensive detachment, which is carried over to relationships
with other men."

I've read that before, obviously, but it made me ask myself the following
question: 'what similarities are there between my feelings of rejection by my
father, and my feelings of rejection by my male acquaintances?' After thinking
about it for a few minutes I suddenly realized there are two surprisingly
obvious similarities.

Firstly, whenever I have to go up to my dad and talk to him about some

matter, I'm always a little anxious about getting every word I say right. He
stands there, staring at me, just waiting for me to stumble in my words so he
can jump in and criticize me - or give me a look as if to say "well, come on
then! hurry up! get on with it!" and make me feel stupid. Because he does
that, it actually causes me to stumble with my words because I become so
self-conscious of what I'm saying and how I say it. This has been a major
problem for me in talking to my dad over the years. You must get what you're
saying perfectly right or he jumps on you and gives you a nasty look as if to
say, "you're just wasting my time."

Secondly, when talking to my dad, he has the very irritating habit of just
walking out of the room while you're talking - even in the middle of a
sentence. I can't tell you how difficult it was as a child trying to get attention
from that bastard, when he just gives you a critical look for not speaking
quickly enough, and then just walks away because he's simply not interested
in whatever you're saying. It was quite hurtful as well. Can you imagine what
it's like going up to your dad with a problem, while he's watching TV, and then
instead of him talking back to you, he just gets up and walks out of the room
(while you're still speaking), goes into another room and switches the TV on in
there instead?

I suppose I'm carrying those experiences around with me when I try to speak
to other guys (particularly those a little older than me). I'm shaking inside and
I expect them to reject me. I'm still trying not to stumble in my words -
practicing what I'm going to say, and then being so anxious that I do get
things wrong when speaking. I feel as though they're looking at me and
waiting for me to choke. If I don't receive some sort of affirmation or
assurance, I feel utterly devastated afterwards - even if things didn't go too
badly. I'm constantly thinking that guys won't like me or I'm not good enough
to hold their interest. Of course, those experiences with my dad aren't the
whole story. It wouldn't have mattered so much if other guys whom I had tried
to get to know didn't do the exact same things to me - reject me, ignore me,
and make me feel inferior.

I suppose, then, my dad had simply prepared me for developing defensive

detachment, but it was my peers and other men that laid the cornerstone.
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I guess what I'm currently doing (having an older guy mentor me, and making
new friends among my male peers) is slowly undermining that cornerstone in
my SSA.

The way we were

Not much happening on the SSA/Therapy front today, I'm afraid, as I've spent
most of the day in bed with my cold. So, as a cop-out I'm digging up an old
entry from my previous diary that I used to keep when I was in the full-fledged
gay life (it's quite explicit and very depressing, though; in fact I've had to
censor a few bits):

Okay a few days ago I hooked up with a guy on the internet and went on a
"meet" (i.e. for sex). I hadn't done that for ages. The last time I did that I
hated it - the guy made me do things that I didn't want to do. Like anal (which
I do NOT like), ******* (uuuggggghhhhhhhh), and he ****************
(yuk!). Anyways, what I'd done was put a personal ad on the net. I got like a
million guys replying. But I was exceptionally horny and I arranged to meet
one of them. So I met the guy, who was old enough to be my dad, and after
the initial pretense of a conversation, we got down to it. God, how much I hate
myself when I'm writing this. I sound so disgusting and driven by animal
instincts. Anyways, I digress. So we had sex. Thankfully he didn't make me do
anything I didn't want to do (although I didn't want his tongue in my mouth,
but there you go). While I was having sex with him I felt something
unexpected (emotionally). I wasn't really turned on. I mean, I had an erection,
etc, but I didn't feel like I was enjoying myself. I wasn't having fun. It felt like
nothing. It was almost like I'd been given one of those injections you get at
the dentists - where half your face goes numb. Well that's how I felt
emotionally. Like I was in a void. Like in limbo. I've got his huge **** in my
hand, he's feeling me up, and inside I feel like I'm not there - I'm somewhere
else a million miles away in limbo.

So once we'd finished, we exchanged the usual 'might see you again' (yeah,
right) banter. And I went home. Still feeling exactly as I did before. Not happy,
not sad, not horny, not tired. Just nothing. Perhaps feeling a bit sick from what
I had done. I thought I may have felt that way because he was a lot older than
me, but I'd always liked older men.

The next day (!) I hooked up with another guy. This time he was my age, and
a very nice person. I could easily be friends with him, since he was so genuine.
And he seemed to laugh at my jokes and enjoy my company. However, the
same thing happened. I was having what should have been the best sex of my
life, but I felt nothing inside. Limbo again. I was back in the void. I think the
best part of meeting him was talking to him.

I'm now arranging to meet other men later in the week . But I don't want to. I
don't enjoy it. I HATE it. Yet something is driving me to it. I'm like a puppet on
strings. What I feel or want doesn't matter. I'm being forced by my own
desires to meet people and taste their juices. I can't control myself. I hate
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myself. I wish I were never born. I'm turning into a pervert who lives,
breathes, and sleeps for his next fix, like a drug addict. Except I'm addicted to
GAY.================================

My oh my, what a happy and fulfilling life the gay life is(!). Being my "true self"
and being "who I really am" brought out the best in me, did it not? (I'm being
entirely sarcastic)

Yikes. The gay lifestyle - what a pointless waste.

Goals

It's that time of the month again. Firstly, here are last month’s goals, and how
well/badly I did concerning them:

Goal #1: Get confident enough to play football (soccer) with the guys.
I've done quite well in this. I now have the confidence to play a little, and I no
longer feel like crying like a little girl whenever the subject comes up. Nor am I
afraid of the ball. Hopefully this will eventually lead to me not feeling
uncompromisingly different (i.e. inferior) to other guys when they talk about
the subject. I'll be able to feel more like one of the guys (greater masculine
self-identification).

Goal #2: Read the book Growth Into Manhood by Alan Medinger again
Okay, I confess I didn't do this. However, I did re-read all the parts I felt were
relevant to my current situation.

Goal #3: Start going to a therapist again

I can't find a male therapist anywhere in my area! It's unbelievable. I don't
want to go to a woman, since the whole reason for going is to get assistance in
conquering my fears of male things - I just don't think I can go to a female
therapist and ask her to make me feel more masculine!

Okely-dokey, now let's set some goals for this month:

#1 Complete workbook Recovery of Your Inner Child

I bought this book after several recommendations were made to me. I'm
hoping it will help me identify when my inner child starts whining about
something ("poor me" etc). If you've read books by Aardweg, you'll know what
I'm talking about.

#2 Increase efforts to make non-sexual friendships with everstraight guys

This has so far helped me enormously. My feelings of inferiority to other males
(i.e. they are not as masculine as I am) has decreased noticeably. Along with
those feelings, the attractions diminished as well. However, I wish to step up
the efforts to do this. I don't want to experience any reversal.

#3 Get to know my mentor more

My mentor is really good to me, and I enjoy his company. It's very... ummm...
reparative, I suppose. I'm starting to think of him as a real father-figure. I
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don't mean in a showy, affectionate way, but rather in a calm quiet inner sense
of knowing that he's always there for me, won't let me down, won't ignore me,
and won't be critical of me. He's undoing a lot of damage done by significant
male figures in my life. I very much enjoy the times we talk.

So that's my goals ...

Now here's a surprise

After a mere 30 years-or-so, gay groups finally admitted that they've been
lying through their teeth. Here's the press release:

======================================
Homosexual Advocacy Groups Admit 10% Fallacy
By Ed Vitagliano July 30, 2003
(AgapePress) - For decades homosexual pressure groups have claimed that,
since 10% of the population is homosexual, public officials should give
credence to their political demands. Now it seems that when they absolutely
have to tell the truth, activists admit the 10% figure is a myth.
The startling admission was made by a coalition of 31 homosexual advocacy
groups, including the Human Rights Campaign, National Gay & Lesbian Task
Force, and the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. In their brief filed in
a recent U.S. Supreme Court case, Lawrence v. Texas, which dealt with that
state's sodomy statute, the coalition said that only "2.8% of the male, and
1.4% of the female, population identify themselves as gay, lesbian, or
bisexual."
"That 2.1% figure [of the total population] even includes bisexuals, which
makes the percentage of people claiming to be exclusively homosexual even
lower," said American Family Association president Tim Wildmon.
The origin of the 10% myth is not difficult to uncover. In 1948, sex researcher
Alfred Kinsey, a professor at Indiana University, began publishing his material
about human sexuality in the U.S., work which would lead to the sexual
revolution. Kinsey was the first to say that 10% of the U.S. population was
homosexual.
However, in her groundbreaking 1998 book, Kinsey: Crimes & Consequences,
Dr. Judith Reisman demolished Kinsey's research as being based on inept
science and purposeful deception. Still, homosexuals continued to use the 10%
figure in published materials and press interviews to bolster their demands.
======================================

So it only takes over 30 years of research directly contradicting the myth to

overturn it. Geez, these people aren't stupid or anything, are they? Of course,
it'll probably be another 30 years before the 10% figure drops out of the public
mind.

It makes you wonder how many other things the anti-exgay groups lie about,
doesn't it? Lies about genetics and homosexuality being unchangeable come to
mind...

Clarity
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You know, perhaps it's that strange feeling of euphoria you get when you first
recover from a cold, and your mental faculties return to normal, or maybe it
really is something new. An increasing sense of clarity. One realizes just how
much same-sex attractions have dominated your thinking, emotional make-up,
likes, dislikes, and attitudes when you finally recover from it. It really has.
Perhaps it is just me, or the way I feel right now, but when I look back and
contemplate it carefully, I can see that it dominated my mind. I do not simply
mean the constant search for love and affection, or the stresses, but how it
would always be something held in thought. The attractions. The desires. It is
one of the constant features of daily life.

When that starts to decrease, and it is less dominating, you start to see the
world around you in a different light. You are no longer looking at it from the
same perspective. Those thoughts (and worries) do not concern you any more.
You start noticing other things, and you can see the big picture: how really
trivial and insignificant all the struggling has been in the grand scheme of
things, and how many other important parts of life there truly are.

A few months ago when I started this diary, I described SSA as a dank prison,
which kept me in captivity for many years. Now I can appreciate just how
much that statement was true. It did not just manipulate and restrain my life,
my emotions, and my desires, but also my whole way of looking at the world
around me. What I have been under is not merely a form of psychotherapy.
It's a liberation. Liberation from the old pattern of thinking. Liberation from a
prison so insidious that when you are incarcerated in it, you don't realize
you're being restrained.
Until, that is, when the day finally arrives to be set free.

Hurt
One of the characteristic things of SSA partly caused by a lack of gender-
identification is experiencing feelings of devastation and complete rejection
when excluded and/or ignored by other men.

Today, and the last couple of days, have been particularly bad in this regard.
Tonight a guy sneered at me for no real reason. I said goodbye to another guy
who simply ignored me. Today in a "team building exercise" as part of my
training at work, we had to line up in order of height (for a stupid reason I
won't go into). And, of course, I was the shortest male in my team. Well, that
was just great.

I've tried befriending some of my male colleagues, but it's like trying to
converse with a brick wall - especially with those of my age group. The girls of
my age, on the other hand, are easy to talk to (at least to me). Which, I
suppose, is quite good because some of them are quite attractive. On the
other hand, that is not what I need right now. I need to identify with other
men, especially of my peer group, as the last thing I need is to be so under-
confident around other guys that I simply stick to a group of girls!

For example, yesterday during a coffee break, after I sat down at a table, I
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observed that over the course of a few minutes, with everyone moving around
and changing seats, I ended up sitting at a table of *all* girls/women - with
me being the only guy there. I glanced across the room and saw a table full of
guys having a lively conversation. Why wasn't I at that table instead? I don't
want to be sitting at a table full of females! As much as I want to be among
the guys, I just don't seem to have developed the necessary attitudes and
skills to become a member of that elusive group.

And when, like tonight, you get a guy sneer at you and ignore you, well then,
that just completes the picture, doesn't it!!?!? Not only are you feeling
excluded from the 'gang' of guys, that no guy seems interested in you, and
that no guy seems to want to talk to you, but you've also been ignored and
sneered at by them! So, the result of that is that I feel like crap. The rejection,
the disinterest, and the not being good enough.
At one time, this would have made me want to spontaneously act out sexually
or look at porn, or whatever. It would have triggered strong homosexual
feelings mixed with deep feelings of inferiority, frustration and, to some extent,
depression.

Instead, however, I just have the feelings of inferiority, frustration and

depression without any sexual feelings at all. The insight has removed the
deceptive sexual aspect completely - but the problems remain.

Simple-mindedness

Many men who look into Reparative Therapy / Gender Affirmation therapy
come up with all sorts of reasons (i.e. excuses) as to why it doesn't apply to
them.

I've talked with a few of these self-proclaimed special cases. You see, the
common symptom picture doesn't fit them absolutely perfectly, and some
things don't really seem to apply (at least from what they've read), therefore it
obviously doesn't apply to them, and their homosexuality must therefore be
genetic.

Oh, how flawed and simplistic their thinking is! It usually happens like this:
They hear of the SSA therapies, so they read a little about it (rarely a book).
Nine times out of ten they're already convinced that they were born that way,
so their investigation of therapy starts off as a search to see why it doesn't
apply to them, so they can reinforce their own 'born-gay' assumption (based
on such hard scientific evidence as "always feeling this way as far as I can
remember").

Of course, the inevitable happens, and - oh shock horror! - the typical rough
symptom picture outlined by doctors such as Nicolosi doesn't apply. Hence,
they're vindicated. "This doesn't apply to me, I was born this way. Oh goody I
can continue being special and tragic, I'll always feel this way!"

Now they can continue to "accept who I really am" and not worry about any
possibility of any unwelcome change.
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Their understanding of therapy is, of course, rudimentary and backwards. For a
start, they assume that one must fit the typical symptom picture. But really,
who does? While I have many of the common elements of it, I certainly don't
have all of it. And what's more, it is never as it is exactly described in therapy
books. It's not supposed to. Such things are a guide, that's all, it's not a rule
book. It's really a guide for professional therapists to learn from, and gradually
map out the most likely contributing factors to your own personal SSA
development. It's not a exact mold to fit you in.

Secondly, they come up with little flawed 'logical' arguments as to why such-
and-such of the typical symptom picture doesn't apply to them. A common one
is "I have the exact same relationship with my father as my brother has, and
he is straight." Therefore, they conclude, the father-element of the typical
symptom picture can not apply to them, and it must be something from the
magical gay genie that made them gay.

Of course, who said that a relationship with father is even part of their
personal ssa development? There is no rule saying it has to be. I know some
guys where it is not! Besides, I also have the exact same relationship with my
dad as my heterosexual brother does. Does that mean my SSA was genetically
caused? No!

Let's take this bizarre logic and apply it to something else, like depression.
Let's imagine there is a guy with serious depression. He's had it for years. As
long as he can recall. He reads a psychological book on the typical common
causes and development of serious depression. It lists common family
dynamics, common life-events, and other such things. But, of course, our man
does not fit the typical picture. So, what does he do? He concludes that since
he doesn't fit the typical pattern, his depression must be caused by the
depression gene, and he will always be that way!

Is that logical?

Nope.

Is it the simple-mindedness of someone who doesn't even want to change

anyway?

You bet. That’s their choice, but they shouldn’t deny it to others.

Father and son

Tonight I was at a small social event, with a few families my family knows, and
some others. I think attending family events is one of the best things you can
possibly do when recovering from SSA. It gives you so many opportunities to
see how you react to situations, what your figurative "inner (complaining)
child" pipes up about, and gauge how you're improving in various areas of
maturity. I highly recommend to other men and women in recovery to attend
as many social occasions as possible. It has helped me gain many self-insights.
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What was particularly good about tonight, however, was something else. You
see, I was sitting opposite a male friend of mine who is about 25 years older
than me, and he has a seven-year old son. His son is so cute, and he's a right
little tinker, always getting up to mischief. I couldn't help but observe how he
and his father interacted. That kid has such a good father. He gave him
attention, physical affection, talked to him, etc. He kept him under control in a
firm, but kind manner. He was really interested in his son. He cuddled him. It
was absolutely wonderful to behold. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite
like it. A normal, healthy, and loving father-son relationship. It was like
peering into another world.

Of course, he probably received more affection and attention from his father in
that one night than I've got from my father in the past 20+ years. Though I
don't want to delve into a self-pity pot because of it. I just want to keep in
mind this wonderful thought of how that father and son interacted. It was so
nice, it really was.

That's how a father is supposed to treat his son. It warmed my heart, it really
has. That little boy doesn't realize how lucky he is.

I also noticed how his mother didn't smother him in any way. Whereas, on the
other hand, my mother constantly asked me stupid questions about what I was
eating and then belittled and made fun of me for wanting to drink a beer
(implying that I'm not mature enough to drink - "You, have a beer! Ha!").
Stupid f***ing bitch.

Anyways, I digress... father and son. Yes, it was really nice. I wish I'd had
that.

Acceptance

I just can't get it into my head. I just can't understand it. It just won't sink in.
If you've been following my dairy, you'll be aware that another guy, a very
masculine guy I was in "awe" of, has befriended me and actively pursued a
friendship with me. And it continues. The thing is, this is really starting to
puzzle me. Today I went to the gym with him, and as always I'm worrying
about how well it went, if I talked too much or too little, and hoping that I gave
a good impression. I felt like I'd failed in all respects. Yet, he still accepts me
for who I am. He still wants to spend time with me. And he still enjoyed my
company. There was no rejection. No ignoring me. No making me feel left-out
or that I don't measure up. It was just a zero-pressure, all-things-are-cool,
typical night at the gym.

That may sound entirely reasonable (perhaps unremarkable) to you, but from
my perspective this is extremely puzzling. Here I have a thoroughly
heterosexual and masculine young man who accepts and affirms me as a male.
Someone whom I felt inferior to accepting me as an equal. But, how can I be
equal to him? How could I possibly be good enough to match up to his level of
masculinity, maturity, and confidence? What on earth could he see in pitiful
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little me?

(I know I'm over-reacting, and that my reaction to this situation is entirely

neurotic, but that's just typical of SSA)

This cornerstone of SSA - inferiority to other males - is a problem. You have all
of this admiration of other men's masculinity (the other guy is "all man"
compared to oneself) covered up in a cocoon of sexual feelings. The 'better'
the other man is than oneself, the more masculine, the cuter, the fitter, the
taller (or whatever), the more attractive he is. He has something I do not.

The conclusion I finally came to after mulling all of this over my mind all
evening is that he could only have accepted and affirmed me for one reason:
because he considers me his equal. Yet, this person is a young man. So,
logically, that must mean I'm a young man too - just like he is. This simple
fact is difficult to take to heart.

So, this guy is telling me "you are a young man just like I am."

Interesting. It reminds me of what ex-gay Alan Medinger said about only other
men being able to 'tell' you that you're a man.

So, that means I'm a guy just like my friend is? Cool.

Took a risk...

Earlier in the week I went to the gym with that buddy of mine who I was
originally "in awe" of, until I got to know him better. I've been to the gym with
him many times, so that wasn't particularly remarkable.

What was exceptional in this case, however, was that I sort-of told him about
my SSA problems - but in a strange way. You see, I told him about all of my
masculine inferiorities and many of the things that have and continue to
contribute to my SSA. The only thing I didn't tell him about was the SSA itself.
I also asked him a series of stupid questions about heterosexuality and
heterosexual feelings.

My excuse was that "it sounds strange, but I only started noticing girls six
months ago" I said. To my surprise, he said that he only started noticing girls
when he was about age 20! (Note that this guy is entirely heterosexual and is
also married.)

It was amazing - I'd really managed to hit lucky with this one. He was so
understanding. Also, he offered me advice on things that I'd been puzzling
over for quite some time. He told me that I should really concentrate on
hanging out with the guys more, and not worrying about girls until I feel that
I'm ready. After that I opened up to him entirely about how much I needed to
associate with other guys - and how I had recently got a mentor to act as a
substitute father.

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We sat talking for ages. He said that if I ever needed to talk or ask any more
questions, he's always happy to speak to me. I felt as though I'd suddenly
gained a caring older brother! It sounds a bit corny, and a bit stupid, but I felt
as though we bonded. (I know, get the sick-bags out.)

But anyways, it was fantastic. I'm glad I took the chance and risked confiding
in him. I know that not everyone would have reacted like he did, so I'm
especially pleased that I have got to know this guy. I look forward to
continuing my friendship with him.

New stuff on NARTH

I'm going to see my mentor tonight, and I'm really looking forward to it.
Before I go to see my mentor, I thought I'd write a new entry about the "gay
animals" mythology and those who are gullible enough to blindly accept it.

A TV program on Channel 4 here in the UK ran an "investigation" into gay

animals. In the show, they said that colonies of sea birds (like penguins and
puffins) that consist entirely of female birds, while the males go away for food,
are actually lesbian communes!

So, the next time I visit a sea-bird colony when on holiday up in Scotland (or
wherever) and I see a group of nesting Puffins, I should say to myself "oh,
what a large lesbian commune!" Yeah, right.

Also, they showed footage of two female dolphins. One "sniffed" the others’
reproductive parts. This is generally thought to be either communication, or an
attempt to find out the other's current reproductive state. But this
"documentary" suggested that it might be "something more!" Oh, yeah, okay,
whatever. So the next time I see a dog sniffing the butt of another dog, I'll just
have to remember that they're really being bi-curious (!).

Another thing I utterly scoffed at in this documentary: one woman who studied
"gay sheep" was asked approximately how many sheep are gay. She hesitated
for a moment and said "ten percent" !!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ok yeah,
right. It's obvious she said this because the gay rights activists have for
decades said 10% of humans are gay - which, of course, is wrong.

Having said that, there is some film footage of male animals trying to hump
other males (sometimes with an erect penis). However, to say that the animal
is gay is quite a leap of the imagination. In the 70's, experiments with rats and
hormone injections showed that injecting various amounts of hormones into
rats made them "hump" others of the same sex. Did this make them "gay"? Or
did it simply confuse their animal instinct?

A few years ago there was a bit of an uproar about toxic chemicals being
released into the Thames river in England. This, apparently, caused some fish
to grow the sex organs of both genders. This is obviously a deformation caused
by pollution, but would the gay rights activist people tout them as
"transgender" animals?
100
If this kind of cross-gender deformation can occur easily in animals, could this
not explain much of the perceived "gay" behavior? Are the animals that will
only hump members of their own sex not simply confused in their instincts?

One of the more famous and persuasive arguments for gay animals is the story
of a research team in the jungle finding two female primates rubbing each
other's private parts. The thing is, monkeys and all related creatures have
often been observed taking part in all sorts of sexual activities. For example,
with the Bonobo chimps, "anything, not just food, that arouses the interest of
more than one bonobo at a time tends to result in sexual contact. If two
bonobos approach a cardboard box thrown into their enclosure, they will briefly
mount each other before playing with the box. Such situations lead to
squabbles in most other species." I've also read an account where a female
ape had sex with her son.

The argument is given that if animals are seen to practice homosexuality, then
it must be natural for humans to do the same (because we are animals too).

The blackbirds in my garden often kick a weak chick out of it's nest. Does that
mean I can kill a weak child? My family's cat has actually killed other cats in
the neighborhood for food, dominance, and territory. Does that mean I can kill
my human neighbors for food, dominance and territory?

After all, if animals do these things (and I too am a member of the animal
kingdom), then that means that for me it is also okay, normal, natural,
healthy, and beneficial. Right?
Wrong.

Chat rooms

I came across an old article about chat rooms on the NARTH website. Boy, did
that bring back memories. The article is incredible -- it's almost like it was
written by me! Everything the guy describes is exactly how I felt in the past
(the only exception being that I was not in therapy at the time).

He 'hits the nail on the head' with so many things. For example, talking about
entering gay chat rooms, "I really do it more for the rush, to indulge the
possibility of meeting someone" and how it is comforting "that someone wants
to do something with me... just waiting for someone to strike up a
conversation and pay me a little attention" (emphasis in original).

Then, of course, he describes the inevitable outcome when you mix loneliness
and horniness in a gay chat room, "there's a hungry desperation that'll make
me settle for almost any guy. The longing is more than the natural craving felt
by regular guys - there's a near unstoppable obsession that goes along with
it." I used to feel this way often. Sometimes it was as if I was a puppet on
strings.

Then of course, after having met someone for sex you experience "self-esteem
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issues that would make Charlie Brown seem confident" and "a feeling that I've
done something that has somehow robbed me of my masculinity and my claim
to being a man." Of course, if you do it often enough, the feeling is buried
deeper and deeper as you come to rely more and more on your next sexual
encounter.

He ends the article by commenting, "For a day or two afterward, the thought
of entering a chat room is absolutely repugnant. But... the desire to 'chat'
[eventually] returns".

I remember being stuck in that cycle. The only way to break out of it was to
cut off my Internet connection for a short time. After all, logging on at home is
much easier (and more of a temptation) than having to get dressed, get
money, and travel to a bar or whatever.

I was thinking about what I was looking for when I used to use gay chat
rooms. I'm not talking about sexual activities, but the deeply-held emotional
needs that I was unknowingly needing to fulfill.

I needed a genuine friendship, an ideal same-sex friend, but instead got a

stranger (or perhaps a creepy stalker). I needed affirmation from another
male, but instead got a person who needs assurance himself. I was looking for
a comrade to have a laugh with, but instead we would get down to sex
business. I wanted to feel masculinity, but instead destroyed any sense I had
of being a man. I needed to fulfill many legitimate emotional needs, but
instead I tried -- and failed -- to satisfy those needs with a sexual act.

Gay online dating and chat rooms are self-deceptions. They cannot, never will,
and never have, satisfied anyone's loneliness, found someone a true friend,
nor made them feel more of a man. It's emotional junk-food; pleasurable at
the time, but nutritionally worthless, unhealthy, and perhaps deadly over time.

Just don't go there.

The Unremarkables

I thought today I'd talk about something you may not have expected: how
utterly ordinary and unremarkable heterosexuality has become.
I'm not complaining about it, it's just that being attracted to girls has become
so utterly normal and a routine part of everyday life, that it has lost the initial
"wow, this is strange" factor.

Like, today at work I sat next to this really nice girl who's the same age as me.
She's very nice, both physically and in her personality (at least, from what I
know of her so far). My heart-rate actually increased when talking to her. Yet
this wasn't a surprise. I kinda expect that sort of reaction these days. It
happens all the time now.

Like last night I was at the gym with my buddy (you may remember him, the
guy I was "in awe" of before I knew him). I spotted this girl who was wearing
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very short shorts and who had great legs. I spotted her before my friend did,
and I think you could almost call it a sort of shared delight in a pervy way! We
certainly both felt delight after spotting her, I can tell you.

Also today I was bored at work and decided to draw an outline of the girl from
the movie The Girl Next Door over a picture of her in the newspaper. Perhaps
it was just my imagination running away with me, but I actually started getting
a little aroused, just from drawing over the outline of her body. Perhaps it was
just that particular picture, but she is very, very hot.

So, all of this stuff is now ordinary and routine to me. Sure, it was amazing at
first, but now it's just a part of everyday life.

It's kinda difficult to imagine what it was like not feeling this way.
After the huge amount of effort I've put into my therapy, I'm not too surprised
that I've had these results. I mean, no pain, no gain. More effort = more
results. Is that not so?

And what of my attraction to guys? Well, judging from the blokes that the girls
in the office gush over, I mustn't be very gay anymore because I consider
those guys to be entirely unremarkable (or complete and utter freaks).

New therapist

I started seeing a therapist again yesterday. I did this because I feel a bit
"stuck" in my progress in some areas, particularly in breaking out of my
remaining timidity and fear of certain males.

I was slightly dubious about going to this therapist because she is a woman. I
would have preferred talking to another man. However, I do remember reading
that talking to a male therapist is most beneficial when beginning therapy, and
a female one can be helpful in the latter stages. Since I've already made much
progress and developed much heterosexuality, I guess I can get away with
having a female therapist.

I took the advice of www.PeopleCanChange.com : "Part of it is in how you

address the problem. If you tell a prospective therapist, I want you to help me
to become straight, they are more likely to say, that's impossible, or unethical.
If you tell them, I need you to help me feel like more of a man, and more
connected to other men, or to help me forgive my father, or break away from
my smothering mother, or release anger, or overcome sexual addiction, or
heal sexual abuse...all of these things any competent therapist should be able
and willing to work with you on.
Homosexuality is a symptom.

Heal the underlying problem, and the homosexuality takes care of itself."
I realized that I do not have to find a therapist who is already fully versed in
reorientation and reparative/gender-affirmation therapy. Just a regular
therapist can help with the things I've identified as contributing factors.

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So anyways, I described to my female therapist my family situation and my
background growing up, and what I've been like during my teenage years.
After a little while, she came to some initial conclusions as to why I had
developed a fear and slight timidity toward other males. What she described
matched up very well (almost exactly) with what I've managed to work out
myself from reparative therapy books and experiences of other men
undergoing reorientation.

She then outlined the approach she would like to take over the coming weeks
to understand and tackle the problem. I agreed to go back regularly.

I've already made a lot of progress, so I hope she will be able to help me
continue to experience the changes I have seen so far.

Continued -- Read Part 3

Aggghh

Today I approached a small group of straight guys I know who were standing
and talking. I felt scared to death, but I did it anyway. It brought up some of
the typical rejection neurosis that is typical of myself (and a surprisingly large
proportion of gay men).

After approaching them, I felt all sorts of typical emotions. Since it happened
just today, the feelings are fresh enough in my mind to describe.

When I was standing in that group, surrounded by these young guys, I had the
feeling that they are "in the know", they are accepted and part of some sort of
clique that I am excluded from. When I approach them I feel uncomfortable as
though I am an outsider, intruding on their privacy and violating their
exclusive group. They have in-jokes, private quips and familiarities that I am
ignorant of, which make me feel all the more different, excluded, and inferior.

It's like being back in school. I'm not part of the gang. They're the cool kids
who hang around together, and I'm just the excluded guy who wishes to be
accepted by them, but never is and ends up feeling excluded, ultimately made
to feel inferior.

Of course, I'm doing what I should not be doing, according to therapists. For a
start, I'm blaming myself, thinking that I am at fault somehow for being
excluded and supposedly unacceptable. My mind cannot even consider the idea
that perhaps I am just as good as they are and, at least on the outside, I
appear to be no different than they are. If they really do exclude me and do
things to make me feel inferior, then it is they who are at fault for being so
childish and impolite. On the other hand, of course, I can be blamed for at
least one thing: I'm so hyper-sensitive, it seems, to rejection, that the smallest
most insignificant thing can appear to be a huge put-down -- especially from
another male.

After I left the conversation, I felt an overwhelming inferiority and as though

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there was no way I could fit in with such guys. I felt as though there is no
point in trying to - I can never match up to them! I may as well stop trying to
talk to them, stop taking an interest in what they like. I can never be as good
as they are, I'm hopelessly inferior. But of course, I recalled, that is classic
defensive detachment!! I'd just be giving up, in order to protect myself.

I know I've written about this at length before, so it's obviously something I
have made little progress in overcoming. I think I know what the main topic of
conversation will continue to be with my new therapist. This is something I
need to overcome. I simply cannot go on having this crippling inferiority and
feeling of rejection from other males!

Acting

My new therapist has given me some homework to do for the coming week.
One of the things I have to do is make a mental list of all the qualities I see in
men I know (including those that intimidate me) which I want to have. Then, I
must choose a social situation in which I "act" out that ideal personality, like
an actor on a stage. I must personify all those qualities in my performance.

This is not something she wants me to do on a regular basis. Only once or

twice this week as an experiment. She said that she wants to discover how it
will make me feel.

In small doses I've started doing that over the last few days. If only for a few
moments, I've put on my actor persona, and pretended to be the guy I want to
be. And what sort of guy do I want to be? Well, I 'pretend' to be confident,
friendly, more brave when it comes to speaking up, and more relaxed around
other guys. That's certainly how I'd like to be.

The interesting thing is, though, that when I start pretending I often forget I
am just acting, and my confident, friendly, braver, and relaxed character
persists. Today I tried it out again with an everstraight male friend of mine,
and I just started to get even more confident and outspoken. I also had a
really good time! It felt a little bit liberating.

I suspect that, perhaps, she was expecting me to have that reaction. That
putting on the false-front would give me the confidence to act the way I really
want to act. I would show myself that being that sort of person is not
dangerous and will not lead to rejection or humiliation. Therefore, I can
continue to act the way I really want to without fear continuing to hold me
back.

Perhaps I already am the person I want to be. I just need to get over these
issues so I can fully "come out" as the authentic heterosexual young man that
I really am.

My therapy session

I entirely forgot to write a new entry talking about my therapy session!

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Anyway, it was very good. I don't know how, but we ended up talking a lot
about how my mother has raised me into a "good little boy".

This is a continuation of my therapists efforts to heal my irrational fear of other

males and my persistent feelings of not matching up to other guys.
I couldn't fully describe how meaningful the session was without describing in
minute detail my entire childhood, but needless-to-say she gave me a few
phrases which sum up my experiences. She said of my mother, "she couldn't
raise you into a girl, so she raised you to be obedient." That's a loaded
statement, and as I said, you will not understand the significance of that
unless you knew of my entire past history (or had a very similar childhood).

My therapist could also see how my mother and grandmother not only failed to
encourage me to be a real boy, but instilled in me the same fears and
resentment of maleness they had harbored. They certainly did instill in me a
desire to be a good little boy around them, not be troublesome, and to show
that I'm not like "those rough youths", as well as despise my alcoholic father
and always-in-trouble older brother.
Of course, this is only part of the picture, and it didn't make me gay. It took a
helluva lot more things than that. If it weren't for the other experiences,
attitudes, and self-labeling, then I would have turned out perfectly straight.

This is just one of the many foundation stones that is currently being chipped
away.

Girls and stuff

I was walking home from work today when it suddenly struck me how ordinary
this heterosexuality lark has become. I've mentioned this before, but this is
the first time I've really forgotten all about it for such a long period of time.

Because my therapy has progressed so much I often forget that I am

undergoing any therapy. I mean, walking down the street in the warm
sunshine and admiring nice girls that pass by has become a routine of life. I
can't imagine how life could be without it.

Also, another change: when in a group of persons (at work, or wherever) I

could easily talk to any women in the group. Talking to guys would be perhaps
a little difficult, or with some men, impossible. However being able to have a
friendly chat with a group of women or girls would be easy. My male friends
have actually envied my ability to talk to girls and make friends easily with
them. Yet now, a change has occurred. For some reason I am now finding it
difficult to talk to girls. It's almost as though I can't think of what to say - I
simply don't quite know how to relate to them. In certain situations, this forces
me to speak to guys instead - because I feel more comfortable with them!!
That's a major change for me.

So I guess these are all good signs. Tonight I went out with my friend whom
I've been going to the gym with regularly (I felt a bit awkward when he went
out the room for a little while and I had to talk to his wife - I simply can't talk
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to women anymore!). Actually, I said "friend" but I'm still too afraid to call him
a friend. It's too risky. I don't want to call him a friend or think of him as a
friend, because that's making me too vulnerable. He may let me down, and I
can't trust him. I still can't figure out why he hasn't rejected me yet.

Evidently, defensive detachment is still somewhat an issue for me.

Comfortable

This is strange. I'm starting to become easily comfortable around other guys
and entirely accepted and "in the know" by them.

Specifically, the guys at work. Any feelings of inferiority have dropped away,
and exact "sameness" and "nothing special" feelings have arisen.
Trying to sneak a quick look at a nice girl sitting opposite me on the train
(without seeming like I'm perving on her) is common.

Actually, I'm still wondering exactly what is proper behavior in that regard. I
don't know, it's all new to me. I'm assuming it is grossly impolite to look at a
girl in a "I'm admiring your physique" sort-of way.

Though I'm sure some girls would enjoy it. I guess that depends on what they
think about me.

Ex-Gay is OK

I was reading something somewhere yesterday that former homosexuals such

as myself are really straight. It's the same tired old argument of "gays can't
change", which is not only disproved by research done as far back as Alfred
Kinsey's time, but is complete bollocks from a psychological point-of-view.

The argument is set up so men such as myself can't win. If you say you no
longer feel anything for guys, they'll first say:

1) You're fooling yourself, and you're really gay but "in denial".
But when it is too obvious that the guy really does have diminished
homosexual feelings and/or increased heterosexual feelings, they may say:

2) You were always straight and were never gay. That's why you're straight
now. Despite, of course, the fact that guys such as myself have experienced
gay sex and fallen "in love" with other men, often without any romantic
feelings toward women. So if that fails to convince they use the final
argument:

3) You've always been bi-sexual but are leaning on the straight side more. This
is an insult to my intelligence. I'm not stupid and I knew what I was and what
I felt. I was not bi-sexual. Besides, bi-sexuals cannot "lean on" any particular
side. Sexual feelings are spontaneous: they appear when flicking through a
magazine, seeing a girl in the street, an advert on television, a scene in a
movie, and a photo in a newspaper. None of those things can be prepared for.
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Sexual desire object choice is an instinct, and while it can be modified, it
cannot be controlled.

The reason men such as myself claim to have had a shift in sexual desires is
simply because we've had a shift in sexual desires. It is by no means 100%
heterosexuality, but it is a shift. Change is always possible, especially for those
who go though therapy properly.

My genes made me do it

"Science has proved it's genetic you know!" said a gay man to me.
After investigating such claims for many years, I've decided that the famous
biological studies are flawed.

No one, anywhere, at any time has ever "proved" that homosexuality is

directly caused by your genes. You may be thinking "well, I remember
something said in the news a while back..." Yes, there have been many
'discoveries' reported in the media. However, can we really believe everything
the media says? They have actually, sometimes against the wishes of the
scientists, reported all of these discoveries incorrectly. The media do not tell
you about the times such studies have been contradicted, disproved,
withdrawn, or denied in later years (which most have been).

Let's mention a famous one. Dr. Hamer and his gay gene study. The media
claimed he had discovered the actual genes that cause homosexuality. But
what did Dr. Hamer actually say? He said: "We knew... that genes were only
part of the answer. We assumed the environment also played a role in sexual
orientation". Indeed, seven of the forty gay brothers he studied did not have
the "gay" genetic pattern, but were gay anyway. This is not the impression the
media gave.

Other things the media don't talk about: the mathematical formulae that Dr.
Hamer used wasn't used correctly. The man who invented the formulae, Dr.
Risch, re-examined Dr. Hamer's data and claimed there was no statistically
significant correlation in the genes. Yet another scientist, Dr. McGuire of
Rutgers University also recalculated the data. He said the entirely wrong test
had been applied, and there was still no statistical significance! He said the
chances of Hamer's calculations being correct was far from a certainty - but at
10,000 to 1!

Another blow came when a research assistant to Dr Hamer accused him of

deliberately withholding evidence that invalidated the study. An investigation
was launched, but unfortunately the outcome was never made public. Dr
Hamer, with others, then held another study. This time the results were even
less impressive than before. Dr. Neil Whitehead says of it: "Hamer's particular
genetic effect might affect about five percent of the homosexual population...
environmental influences could be argued to account for the homosexuality of
the other 95 percent."

Of course, I also must mention that another scientist, Dr. George Ebers of the
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University of Western Ontario, tried to confirm Hamer's study and failed. In
fact, he used over 400 families in his study, whereas Hamer used only 40.

There are, of course, other studies. All of which have been distorted by the
media. My particular favorite is the so-called "Gay Brains" study done by Dr.
Simon LeVay. I like that study because even he himself denies that it proved
anything, yet the gay lobby still uses it as "proof"!

Silly habit

Occasionally I find myself with an annoying habit when watching television,

driving, or walking in the park. If I notice a group of people, or perhaps a
couple walking together, I look at the guy first - with the expectation that he
may be good-looking. The annoying thing is, though, that I am always
disappointed, because I just don't find guys attractive anymore. So it becomes
a constant stream of "he's nothing special", "what a freak", and "meh...". A
running line of disappointment!

Sometimes it becomes annoying in that I miss good-looking girls by looking

instead at some worthless bloke. Like when driving in my car, if we pass a
group of young people, my friend may remark "did you see her? she was hot!"
followed by me cursing under my breath because I spent those few seconds
driving past on examining the males there, seeing how they compare to
myself, and they're always unremarkable. In other words, I missed the
opportunity to look at a remarkably nice girl!

Okay, that's not exactly a major problem, and it doesn't always happen. Most
of the time I'm rather quick to look at a girl first and entirely ignore any guys
there. It's just occasionally I catch myself examining every man in sight and
being somehow surprised that none of them are "dishy"!

Geez, what a surprise! That couldn't be because I'm not gay anymore could
it?! Silly little habits die hard.

Thinking about...

There is this girl at work who I get on with really well. She makes me laugh SO
much, it's unbelievable. We joke that we should be separated because we
spend so much time laughing that it prevents us from getting any work done!

What is quite interesting about this is that I'm relating to her in an entirely
different way. I don't know if I can describe this very well, but when I was in
school (and other situations where I had to work around girls) I would be
friends with the girls in a sense of "being on their level." I would somehow
relate to them as if I was one of them, and not as though I was of a different
gender. I suppose you could say I became a girl!

Anyways, now it's different, I continue to act like a guy when around girls, and
I don't modify my behavior to fit in with them. So, getting back to the point,
I've been laughing and joking with this girl a lot and I've really been enjoying
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her company. Even to the point of thinking about her outside of work, like I am
now.

Physically, she's not a supermodel, but she is not bad-looking either. I still
think she looks good though. It's silly, I know, I barely know her and I've
never even spoken to her outside of work. I'll probably look back on this in a
few months and think "what a retard, I can't believe I liked her that way!"

But anyways, I think she is absolutely great. I very much like her personality
and I don't think I've gotten on so well with anyone for a long time. I was
thinking of changing my shift-pattern, but I'd rather remain where I am to stay
on the same team as her.

Hang on a minute... am I, me, Jake, for the first time ever getting a slight
infatuation with a girl??? In that case break out the beer and let's party
because that is absolutely bloody amazing!!!

Come out?

It seems that despite the enormity of my progress, I still have some way to go
when it comes to some temptations. On the one hand, gay porn is no
temptation whatsoever, yet on some occasions I feel like the only way to
"centre oneself" is via a quick, sexual encounter with another man.
Don't misunderstand, I'm not sleeping with guys.

For example, last night I watched the fantastic 2-4 England victory over
Croatia in the pub (and it seems that all of my inhibitions surrounding football
seems to have evaporated). After that great night a former work colleague
txt'ed me. A whining gay bloke who's very fat and somewhat camp. He said he
was lonely. In times past he has marveled at me, claimed to admire me very
much (the gay drawing-the-other-guy-closer routine), and said he always
enjoyed our conversations.

Anyways, I replied saying I was far too tired to go see him, and besides, I'd
had too much to drink to even contemplate driving.

Nevertheless, he persisted. Eventually I got sick of him and simply turned my

phone off so he would get the message!

However, I then sat down in the living room to relax, thinking of all the things
I had done that day and that I need to do tomorrow. When I thought "...and
tomorrow morning it's up for work!" I immediately thought about acting out.
The little boy needed the reassuring arms of a man to help him face the big
world tomorrow.

I almost called that guy back to arrange a meet. Yikes. That's a close-call. So
tonight I decided I had to do something about it. I txt'ed my mentor (who for
the sake of simplicity we'll call Russell) and asked to speak to him, providing
he wasn't busy, and if it wasn't convenient it could be just on the phone.

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You may be able to see my defensive-detachment coming out there. I couldn't
believe that he would actually be interested enough in me to think that talking
to me wasn't some kind of huge bother.

But as usual, my fears are proved wrong as he replied, "sure, come over now".
What he was really saying, without him realizing it, was "I care about you" and
"you are not bothering me".

Anyways, I talked to him about how I've been feeling somewhat despondent
and lonely recently, and how I've felt as though my therapy has been
progressing well, yet I still had that close-call.

As usual Russell was very compassionate and listened intently. He didn't mind
when (to my surprise) I started crying as I told him how helpless I was feeling.
We talked for quite a while, all the time Russell being as compassionate and
listening intently as usual. I started to feel better.

After a while I felt we had talked the issue through, and it was time to go, so I
got up to leave. Before I left the room he asked me "do you feel a bit better
now?" to which I said yes. Then he asked, "Are you (really) going to be
alright?" To which I welled up again in tears and shook my head. He got me to
sit down again so we could talk some more and get my emotions out.

We then came to an unusual conclusion: that I should be more open and

honest about my SSA and therapy. I should, for want of another expression,
come out of the closet.

That may sound bizarre. But I strongly believe it is the right thing for me to
do. I have many good friends, yet very few know of my struggles. I need to
expand my support network. "Isolation = Death".

I need to do this. This therapy doesn't just change my sexual desires, but my
entire personality. And in many respects I'm still hiding behind a façade and
not showing my friends and family the real me. Being open and honest to
everyone about my entire struggle (to the best extent possible) will be a major
victory for change. I need to come out into the open.

With my new-found resolute desire to shake things up, and expand my support
network, I got up to leave. I motioned that I wanted to hug Russell.

And we did. It was probably the best piece of affirmation I've ever had. It
wasn't just a quick hug, it was a long "I care about you" hug. Actually, no, it
was a "I really, actually, care about you" hug.

I thanked him. He said I could contact him anytime if I needed to talk, or

needed some company. He's said that to me for over a year, but this is the
first time I actually allowed my heart to believe him.

Before I left he also said, with a compassionate smile, "If you need a cuddle,
you just let me know!".
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I think I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to allow
him into my heart and trust him. I've decided to trust him. I do love him as if
he really were my dad. I'll trust him, and I know he won't let me down.

So-called coming out

So... my big "coming out" week has started. I've already started telling some
friends that I'm going to start being a lot more open and honest about what's
been bothering me over the past few months.

Today I nearly told a mate of mine. The problem with him is that he's only 16 -
actually the little brother of a mate of mine who's now married. Despite the
age difference, we get on well and his overt heterosexuality is a very good
influence on me. We also play a lot of sports together, and I feel like he's my
little bro.

So it's a bit of a dilemma when telling him, because I'm not sure if his parents
would be happy about us hanging out together. I know I could just keep it
secret, but that's not what I want. I don't want any more secrets or worrying
about who I talk openly in front of, or worrying about who knows what and
who doesn't. I'm getting tired of it.

I hope his folks will be okay with it. It's not like I'm gay anymore anyway!!! If
anything, he's more likely to be a bad influence on me!
It turns out that the 15/16 year old teen that delivers the local paper each
week is a “rent boy” (!). My friend knew him from his school. Apparently he's
out-and-out gay and has been spotted getting into older guys’ cars several
times. It is no secret.

God... what a shame. Only 15 or 16, but sleeping around with old men for
money! And he lives in an affluent area - he doesn't need to do it for the
money. What a poor kid. I feel so sorry for him. What a terrible life he will
have. A true waste. A gay man of 20 has a 50% chance of getting AIDS by the
time he's 30. Imagine what risks that poor boy is running.

But then I remembered: I was that boy. At his age I wanted to be a rent boy. I
did have some anonymous sexual encounters. I would have loved it if I had
had more. But, oh my, what a terrible and heart-wrenching life it would have
been. Devoid of all love, constantly being abused for other's benefit, and
receiving cold hard cash instead of a father's warm love.
Poor lad. My heart really goes out to him.

I hate to sound like a woman, but: What a waste!

Aggh: I've become my dad

My dad is an avid reader. He literally goes through two or three books a week.
Usually these books are autobiographies, books about politics, ancient history,
or dull old-men type books on various subjects. He’s rarely seen without a
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book. As the in-the-house-but-might-as-well-not-be type of father, who hides
away in his own room reading or watching TV most of the time, the only time I
ever really see him is when he's sitting at the kitchen bench eating his meals
(while, of course, reading a book).

I always used to snarl my nose at him when seeing that. "Stupid" dad with his
"boring old books", sitting there, scoffing down his putrid crap that he'd made
himself, while his eyes dart about a page from a book of the story of some
other old man who is long dead. Not interested in me, not even twitching as I
enter the room; cannot be distracted by my presence. He just sits there eating
as he reads his book.

Anyways... today I was reading Nicolosi's book on prevention of

homosexuality. Unless I'm getting it confused with something else I've read
recently, I remember something being said on a boy needing to want to
emulate his father.

Hmmm... How would I ever want to emulate my father, I asked myself. That
boring old fart.

This evening, I go into the kitchen to make myself something to eat. I notice
my dad has left one of his books on the bench. It's written by a British
politician (I won't say who because none of you will know who it is, most
people in the UK don't even know who he is, but both my dad and me know
him). It's about the various controversies in British politics that have raged
over the past decade or so. The sort of thing that would send most people to
sleep. Although just the sort of thing I like reading about.
I make my meal.

Sit down on the same stool my dad sits on.

Open the book.
Start to read, while eating my dinner.
Find the book very interesting.
Totally ignore everyone who has come and gone in the room.
Get through half a chapter before finishing my meal.
Suddenly realize something: I am my fathers' son!!!
Agghghhhhh

Told another mate

Last night I told my childhood friend (who we'll call Dave) and his wife about
my SSA/Therapy. Wow! They were so supportive, I could barely believe it!

I've known this guy since, well, since forever. We used to be very close, but
due to my defensive-detachment, I kept fighting him off me during my
teenage years. But despite that, he's kept the lines of communication open.

I managed to tell them about me by, ironically, telling them about someone
else and their attempts at changing their feelings using therapy. So after
starting a good conversation about that, I managed (eventually) to build up
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the courage to say, "I mention this because I've been in reparative therapy
myself". To which Dave's wife smiled and said "Excellent!"

Dave's wife kept asking me questions about it, while Dave tended to sit there
quietly. That wasn't because he wasn't interested; on the contrary, he has
always said to me that it doesn't matter, he's my friend and that's all that
matters. A very accepting guy. He did say something occasionally, always to
agree with what his wife and I were saying, and to say that he is always
available if ever I want to talk to him.
They were both very pleased for me, and actually said 'well done, it must have
taken a lot of courage'.

In addition, when you open yourself up with some very personal things, the
person you're speaking to tends to do the same. I found out a lot about Dave
and his wife last night that I never knew. Including some very difficult times
that he went through, but I was thoroughly unaware of. I wish I had been
there for him.

The relief after telling them was enormous. It felt great. Talk about 'a problem
shared is a problem halved'!

I sent a quick e-mail to Dave last night just to thank him for being such a good
friend. I think last night can be summed up in the reply he sent me this
morning:
"Anytime. All you have to do is talk to us, and we'll listen. That's what friends
do."

She's hot

You know the phrase "treat the underlying causes, and the homosexuality
takes care of itself"? Well, how true that is!

Recently I've been watching a TV show for kids/teenagers. Why? There's this
young woman presenter who is, for want of a better expression, hot. I mean,
really, really nice.

I just can't help myself!! I was watching it this morning and, woah, I loved
what she was wearing, it really made her look nice. Every time the camera
panned out and I got to see a full shot of her I think "cor, blimey!" I've even
shown a mate of mine this woman, and he agrees that she's very nice.

It just tingles me all over. She is so hot I can't believe it. I cannot understand
how I could never feel this way before. It just feels like the natural thing to
feel. I just can't help it.

She's got the figure, a nice face, nice hair, and is always wearing summery-
type clothes that really make he look good. She is also very energetic,
delicate, and bubbly. Feminine in every respect.

What's the chance of me getting a girlfriend like her? I'm going to keep my
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hopes up!

It's important to note two things about this. 1) I didn't feel this way when I
first saw her, it's been gradual over the past six months. 2) No control or force
is involved - I just can't help myself!

This is the first girl I've ever fancied this much. Definitely my strongest
heterosexual feelings to date. Treat the underlying causes, and the
homosexuality takes care of itself.

Denial denial denial

Has anyone said to you that you're "in denial"? A few gays have said that to
me in the past. It's a typical bitchy and effeminate insult that's typical of gay
men. It's the equivalent of a child sticking it's tongue out at you. This isn't a
surprise, as immaturity and defensiveness is part of the neurotic homosexual
complex.

When I was speaking to Dave and his wife the other day, I was telling them
how the numerous twin studies prove that homosexuality can't be determined
simply by genes because rarely are both twins gay. To this Dave's wife said,
"but wouldn't the gay rights people simply say that the non-gay ones are in
denial?" I was somewhat taken aback at this, thinking 'well of course they
couldn't say that - that would be totally stupid!' But before I said that, I
thought for a second, and realized that she's right! No, not that those people
really are "in denial", but it is exactly what the gay rights people might believe.

How else could they get around such solid proof?

I had forgotten just how utterly delusional you can get when you're in the gay
lifestyle (remember, you not only believe in a gay gene that no legitimate
scientist believes in, but also that 600,000,000 people are gay!).
When you're living in such strong denial, it's not much of a leap and a jump to
conclude that scientific studies - no matter how many of them - are all
heterosexist lies. Some gays really believe that there is some sort of worldwide
conspiracy to cover up "the truth" (whatever that may be). And what a
conspiracy! No matter what country in the world such studies are made,
numbers and stats continue to corroborate. It makes the Roswell-UFO/JFK-
assassination/Crop-circle conspiracy theorists look like sane people.

The gay lifestyle is nothing but denial after denial. A mythical gay gene. A
nonsense 10% figure. Sexuality being changeable - but only in one direction.
"I was born this way." Gay relationships being just as loving as straight ones.
Entirely unproven unscientific theories about transsexualism. Suicide rates
being high due to "homophobia". Etc etc etc. Denial denial denial.

Dave's wife made another interesting point. I told her that the higher rates of
suicide/depression/drug-abuse in the gay community were, supposedly, due to
"homophobic oppression". To this she said "You're joking? What
oppression?!?!"
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Good point. She mustn't appreciate just how much gays really are in denial
after all.

“But it didn’t work for me”

Mr. “It doesn't apply to me!” AKA “I'm special!”

This person likes the idea that he is a tragedy, he enjoys living in self-pity, and
is unsettled by the concept of him or anyone else receiving Reparative
Therapy, since doing so will remove what he perceives to be “special” about
him. This person thinks up overly simplistic and ill-informed ideas about why
various aspects of the therapy can’t work for him (e.g. “I had a good
relationship with my dad, so this can’t possibly work for me!”). Instead of
keeping a positive outlook, he entertains every negative attitude, thought, and
idea against Reparative Therapy in order that he can sabotage any possible
progress that he or anyone else could make in therapy.

Mr. “I’ll try it long enough to prove that it won’t work!”

This person is very similar to the above person in many respects, but his
attitude is driven by egotism and the pleasure of proving a point in order to
feel superior to others. He may also sabotage his own treatment in order to
egotistically say with pride “It didn’t work for me, so it mustn’t work for
anyone!” He will not study the therapy to a sufficient depth, and make
incorrect assumptions in order to “prove” that it doesn’t work. He may also
ridicule others who have changed, believing them to be liars.

Mr. “I’m only doing this because I have to!”

This person is not undergoing Reparative Therapy for the right reasons. His
parents/spouse/others may have made him begin treatment, but they continue
to be his main (or only) motivation for continuing with it. Because he is not
self-motivated, he does things half-heartedly. He does not study properly. He
does not understand how the therapy works. He does not do things necessary
for treatment. He may callously indulge in homosexual fantasy, sex, or
pornography. Because he makes little progress in therapy, he becomes
frustrated since he cannot please whoever made him start it initially. This is
because he doesn’t want to change for himself, but for the sake of other
people.

Mr. “I can’t be bothered!”

This person has read half a Reparative Therapy book, skimmed through the
rest of it, and then never opened it again for another six months. He doesn’t
feel it necessary to put the required amount of effort into his treatment. He
does not do things required by treatment. When his half-hearted attempts at
change fail, he honestly believes that he did everything properly, and blames
the therapy for his failure (e.g. “well, I did try therapy once, but I guess it just
didn’t work for me.”). In actual fact, his homosexual feelings do not bother him
enough for him to make any real effort, so he has little motivation for trying to
get rid of them.

Mr. “I’ll try it for a month and if I’m not cured, I’ll give up!”
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This person does not put any of the sufficient effort into his treatment. He
reads one or two books and expects a “cure” to quickly follow overnight. In
fact, he expects the treatment to make all the effort – as if it were a form of
magic – while he does not make any real effort himself. He does few of the
things required by the treatment for change. He has an uncanny ability to
entirely ‘miss the point’ of many suggested therapeutic activities (e.g. “I
watched a football game on TV, but I’m still attracted to guys! Why isn’t this
working?”). He may also abandon his treatment and consider it a failure at the
first set-back, even if it is only a slight one.

Mr. “I know what’s best”

This person enthusiastically embraces Reparative Therapy, but believes that he
can remove the unsettling aspects of recovery, and still make great progress.
Typically, he will keep his problems to himself and avoid doing therapeutic
activities which he considers too challenging or too unsettling. He believes that
he does not need the help of others, nor the required studying of
recommended books and other resources. While he may have good results
with the therapy, his progress will not be as dramatic or deeply felt as the
progress he would have otherwise.

Because he trusts in his own abilities so much, there is a danger that when a
major set-back occurs, he will conclude that the therapy is at fault instead of
his own ego-driven half-hearted efforts.

On parade

Today is pride parade day in the capital, London.

Uggghhhh, looking at that on the news makes me feel sick. I mean, why want
to be a real man when you can be a prancing effeminate queen wearing tight
spandex pants doing simulated sex moves in the street?

Yuck. Their so-called "pride" is a self-deception. It's not really pride, it’s more
defiance - a defense against a system of masculinity they feel hopelessly
outside of. Inferior, but doesn't care anymore. It's a child sticking its tongue
out and saying "nah-nah, I'm better than you!" This is, of course, with the
comfort of being around people who understand, as they are also outcasts of
masculine society.

If anyone thinks the above comments are "hate speech", think again, Mr.
Ignorant. I used to be gay, and anyone who has spent an iota of time in the
gay world knows that masculinity is held up above all else as a highly desirable
quality. The more masculine-looking guys are always higher up the gay
hierarchy, with the femmes right down at the bottom. The femmes are
resented and looked down upon. Gay personals ads usually ask for a "straight
acting" guy. It's not unusual to hear a gay male say "I hate those prancing
effeminate puffs!"

Think about it, gay porno is full of masculine blokes, with many "movies"
based on truck drivers, army cadets, policemen, doctors, gang members,
mechanics, etc. There is little market for porno of weak, skinny, effeminate
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guys with high-pitched voices working in a florist. It's rugged good looks,
muscles, masculine clothes, power, and strength that is desired. Masculinity is
what gay men want more than anything else.
And when you decide to increase your own sense of masculinity (e.g. in
therapy), that's when the effeminate ways of some men are all the less
appealing. In fact, they're not just unappealing, their actions are repulsive. The
mannerisms they have chosen to act out represent everything we are trying to
get away from.

Hence, I know its not just heterosexuals who think the gay parades are, well,
hideous. Many straight-acting gay men think so too. Parades are just femme
blokes, drag queens, and narcissistic muscle-bound blokes (and the only
attribute they have of any value in the gay world are their bodies).

Emptiness. Narcissism. Vain. Outrageous. "Look at me! Look at me!!!" Yuck.

Reparative Therapy as Harmful?

It really annoys me when some say that Reparative Therapy is "harmful" - how
the hell do they work that out? In the course of my own therapy I have done
the following:

1. learned to make more male friends (this is harmful?)

2. had a decrease in depression (this is harmful?)
3. started to feel more confident and less shy (this is harmful?)
4. Improved my relationship with my dad and brother (this is harmful?)
5. started to really enjoy and take an interest in new things, especially sports
(this is harmful?)
6. gained an older man as a mentor who is always there for me (this is
harmful?)
7. finally understood why I used to do such dangerous things sexually (this is
harmful?)
8. started to desire getting a girlfriend (this is harmful?)
9. no longer feel constantly lonely (this is harmful?)
10. no longer feel as inadequate as man, feel more mature (this is harmful?)

How anyone with half a brain cell could possibly think any of that is "harmful"
is beyond me.

Could an opposer EXPLAIN how any of the above (which composes my ENTIRE
time in Reparative Therapy) is POSSIBLY HARMFUL? Are they STUPID or what?

On the contrary, it is the gay lifestyle that has the high rates of suicide,
depression, drug-abuse, disease, violence, and disillusionment (and when you
reach age 40 you're thrown on the proverbial scrap-heap).

Bad = good. Good = bad.

So Why is Reparative Therapy harmful?

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1. Because it gives people freedom over their own lives. You are allowed to live
your own life in the gay rights movement but only as they dictate it to you.
You are not allowed to dissent.

2. It dwindles their numbers. Activists need as many people as they can get to
claim the gay identity to make sure their "rights" are secured.

3. It proves sexuality is not immutable. The basis of these rights is that

sexuality is fixed, you can't go messing up their theory, so what is wrong with
you? Thinking and acting for yourself, after all they have done for you -- you
must remain loyal always.

4. Because anything positive must be mocked. Marriage, children, love,

commitment, things of that nature. Even mental health. To be considered
mentally healthy, you must agree to everything gay activists say, gay or not.
See, how it works is as long as you believe them and act accordingly you are
fine and normal, but once you find out the truth for yourself, you're suddenly a
homophobe. Ex-gays are being brainwashed and suffering from internal
homophobia because there is no way you are strong enough to break free from
homosexuality. That just doesn't happen.

So for all these reasons reparative therapy is harmful -- we can't have people
thinking they have control over their emotions, sex drive and sexuality, what
kind of crazy world would we live in if people actually chose what to do with
their own sexuality? The humanity, talk about utter chaos. People restraining
their libidos, not dying early from diseases. People having long marriages,
children, oh the sheer humanity of it all. Will someone make it stop?
---------
Courtesy of a writer from defendingtruth.org )

HIV hypochondria

Right now I have two huge white spots on my tongue. Probably just ulcers
that'll clear away in a couple of days. It's just that, whenever I get something
like that I start panicing. I worry and think I may have HIV (white spots in the
mouth/throat are one of the many first symptoms). A totally irrational worry,
of course.

It's just that the last time I had sex with a guy (12 months ago now...) I did
not get a test afterwards. I got tested before then, and was clear of
everything. It's just that one time that has me worried.

I should go and get tested. Put my mind to rest. The worry is driving my
crazy...

Good good...

I feel great after going to see my mentor Russell each week. Last night I just
felt so good that I decided I didn't want to drive home, so instead I went for a
long drive for about 35 miles before going home, blasting music out of the car
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speakers.

Going for long drives is something I either do to cheer myself up if I'm on the
brink of despair, or if I'm feeling really good about myself and confident in
every way.

It's quite odd how associating with my substitute dad can give me a shot-in-
the-arm of affirmation. It's a bit like gaining muscle mass. If you want to build
up muscle, you don't have one massive huge workout once a month. If you do,
you will damage your muscles, be in pain, and due to the over intensity your
muscles may even shrink! But if you have a little workout on a regular basis, a
minimum of once a week, gradually your muscle mass will increase bit by bit.

I guess it's the same with all this male affirmation/acceptance/etc stuff. One
injection of masculinity a month won't do it - but small, consistent, and reliable
boosts will assist the change process.

Later, I've arranged to help a guy I know with some home improvement. At
least I'm spending some time of the day in a male environment, doing male
things, with a straight guy, and being one of the guys.

Oh, and those massive ulcers on my tongue have finally cleared up (well... I
scraped them off!), so I'm not feeling so stupidly paranoid about having caught
HIV! I'll arrange to get tested soon and end this once and for all.

What not to say

This is a list of things that friends/family/pastors/misc. should not do or say in

an effort to "help" guys who are struggling with SSA.

It is a little bit negative (I wrote it after being seriously peeved with someone),
but it may be beneficial to someone:
..........................
Don't belittle the problem!
I've had many well-intentioned men tell me not to worry, because the problem
might "go away" and I might "grow out of it."

This may sound like a reassurance. However, imagine this: You have a terrible
red rash all over your body, it hurts so much you want to die, and it's getting
worse. Out of pure desperation you go to your doctor for help. However, your
doctor says to you "Don't worry, with any luck it might clear up!" Does that
really make you feel "reassured"?

How would you feel toward the doctor? Well, I'd feel angry that he could say
something so stupid. I'd also be angry that he is belittling my problem and
implying it is no real problem at all. I feel so bad I want to die, remember?

Saying "it might go away" or "you might grow out of it" is no reassurance at
all. If anything it may make the person feel a whole lot worse. It shows that
you think the problem is unimportant, and the person with the problem is
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made to feel like they are a hypochondriac and should stop drawing attention
to themselves. It also makes them feel as though you don't care -- after all,
you're not worried about it. You've just said that it "might go away" so you
mustn't be too fussed. This also shows the person that you haven't the
slightest clue or appreciation for the pain the person is suffering.

The problem is real and not imaginary (remember that homosexually-inclined

people are eight(?) times more likely to commit suicide). This is no triviality.
And although, yes, it very well "might" go away of its own accord -- but it just
might not go away too! So please do not belittle the problem.

Don't interrupt!
Persons with the homosexual condition will have years upon years of angst,
stress, problems, and hurt built up inside. The best thing you can do is to listen
and allow them to get it all off their chest.

The worst thing you can do is interrupt when they speak. You may not realize
it, but when someone has something very important to say, and you interrupt,
you're sending signals to that person. You are saying that you don't care.
You're not interested in what they have to say -- you're more interested in
what you have to say. You don't want to know about their situation because
you don't really care about them or their situation.
It's a very upsetting thing when you confide in someone who is supposed to
listen but seemingly doesn't want to.

Thankfully I've found many, many, guys who do listen, and do care very
deeply. I've found them to be invaluable help to me and I cherish their
friendships. However they all do one vital thing -- they all listen without
interrupting!

Don't tip-toe around issues!

I've noticed that many people are frightened of using certain words. Words like
"homosexual" or "sexuality" or "sex" tend to be avoided at all costs, and issues
are tip-toed around instead of being talked about directly.

Personally I find this very annoying. I remember once when I was younger an
older man "advised" me for something relating to my homosexuality. However,
in the space of one hour he managed to avoid using any word that even hinted
at homosexuality. Instead he used vague expressions and alluded to what he
was talking about.

Of course, in the end I had no idea what he was getting at. Even when asking
him directly what they meant, he was too embarrassed to speak plainly and
use the dreaded words. The whole thing was ridiculous!
For the love of sanity, please, please, please don't be afraid of using the "H"
word. If you still feel uncomfortable, you could use the abbreviation SSA. his
stands for Same Sex Attraction. It is a lot better to say "How is your SSA?" or
"How are you coping with your homosexual feelings?" rather than ask "How
are your feelings?" or "How is your trouble today?" The former ones get to the
point, the latter ones are vague, and I feel they sound belittling.
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Don't Avoid or Treat Differently the Person!
This is probably the worst thing you could do. I've had the unpleasant
experience of a person avoid and exclude me after being told of my SSA.
Another thing to avoid is comments like "well you wouldn't know about that!"
when talking about sports, or girls, or mechanical things, or the like. Also "but
you don't get involved with girls, do you?" or "you're not like the other guys."
Such comments may seem to be considerate and friendly, but they come
across as insulting, belittling and emasculating. Don't do it. Always treat a man
as a man, and a woman as a woman.
Don't think or say "snap out of it"!

If someone told you they have diabetes and are feeling very ill, would you then
say or think something along the lines of "oh come on, surely you can just
snap out of it!" Of course not. However, some individuals do think that when
presented with another's homosexual problem.

Homosexuality is a deeply-rooted problem and never disappears overnight. If

you think or say such a thing, it is a shocking display of just how little you
understand the situation. It is also a terrible insult to the person's dignity. The
person may have been struggling with the problem for many years --
experiencing levels of stress and anxiety far worse than you ever have -- and
yet you show no concern or sympathy, simply brushing the problem aside like
some trivial matter. Homosexuality is not just a mood -- you cannot just "snap
out of it!" What an insulting, uncaring and callous attitude to have!

Religion

Okay, I knew this day would come so I think I'll just get it over with.
Anyways... when I started change therapy, I did not have a religion, nor a
faith, nor a personal relationship with God, nor anything like that. So, most of
my therapy didn't have any religious motivation.

But early in this year, I did join a religion! (shock, horror!)

So why haven't I mentioned it before? It is simply that homosexuality is

primarily a medical condition that is psychological in nature. It has been
mapped out by psychologists and can be treated with psychotherapy. You
cannot use religious faith as a magic trick, nor as a medical treatment.

Does my religion give me an incentive to keep up the change process? I

suppose - but not much of one. I'm sure that if I abandoned religion I would
still keep up the change process. After all, I pursued change before I had a
religion, didn't I?

Normally, people do it the other way around - they embrace change because
they have a religion. I, on the other hand, embraced religion because I had
experienced change. I just had to be different, didn't I!! )
Some persons may disagree with me, but I do not believe that trusting in
divine powers alone will change the sexuality of anyone. I am not mocking the
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faith of others, however. It is simply that homosexuality is a primarily a
medical condition that is psychological in nature. It has been mapped out by
psychologists and can be treated with psychotherapy.
Religion is an immense source of wonderful encouragement to many persons
undergoing Reparative Therapy; however, you cannot use religious faith as a
magic trick, nor as a medical treatment, so it will not treat you. For
measurable change to occur, such efforts must be accompanied by a proper
psychotherapeutic treatment.

One time I read an ex-gay message board run by a Christian ministry. I was
shocked to see how some questions posted were replied to with entirely
irrelevant information. For example, one man (who was obviously very
distraught) asked a question which could be easily answered by quoting from
one of the Reparative Therapy books published by psychologists. However, at
least on this particular board, the only replies the man got were
encouragement to "trust in the Lord Jesus Christ"! Medically speaking, entirely
useless replies. The man had obviously been doing that already -- why else
would he be rejecting the gay lifestyle and looking for help from a Christian
ministry? -- so nothing was said to help the poor man with his problem.

Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to go to the doctor after

contracting a terrible rash, and hearing him tell you, "just trust in the Lord,
and it might clear up"?

Using spirituality alone to treat a psychological (medical) issue does not make
sense. I do not hire a plumber to do my garden, I do not hire a joiner to fix my
taps, and I do not hire an electrician to fit new windows. Psychological
problems, like homosexuality, should primarily be treated with psychotherapy.
However, I am not dismissing the huge support, encouragement, affirmation,
and resources that Religion can offer to strugglers.

Cheesy does it!

I've noticed a common theme among guys who first enter Reparative Therapy
(or any effort at change), or try leaving the "gay" lifestyle. They desperately
want to stop masturbating and looking at pornography.

So what is my own experience with masturbation and pornography?

Well, personally speaking I can say that the desire to do such things dwindles
as therapy progresses. I've heard other guys say that too. It's not until you
stop wanting to look at porn and masturbate so much that you realize just how
much of a compulsion it really was.

So preventing myself from looking at porn is a simple thought to myself of "no,

I'll stop here. I won't do that." Whereas before it was, "oh why can't I stop
doing this!?!?"

So, in a nutshell: therapy does make avoiding masturbation and porn easier.
For the most part, eventually you'll simply forget about it. You simply won't
need to avoid the problem - because you won't have the problem.
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Bad life

How awful the gay life really is.

Today I was in town to look at a gallery I wanted to see, and bumped into an
old work colleague of mine, and like most of the men where I used to work, is
gay as can be. Anyways, he still works there so I just had to ask him how
awful and bad the place had got since I left (not because of me leaving, but
because the place is a farce). Sure enough, its still gawd-awful.

Anyways, in the course of the conversation he mentioned his "ex". I haven't

been taking my therapy very seriously recently, so I took the opportunity to
learn a bit more about how 'gay' his life has been.

And oh how gay men can talk! And talk and talk and talk. He told me
everything - I opened the floodgates of the heavens! He told me about
practically all of his past boyfriends (very numerous).

Throughout everything he told me there was several running themes: drugs,

crime, break-ups, unfaithfulness, disease, and suicide. It was like listening to
some sort of very depressing soap opera. He had lost three former lovers to
suicide, while the others had betrayed him. Now he complains that he has "no
friends", and those he does know are people he had met on the Internet. This
guy is in his mid thirties, I guess, and seems "well adjusted" to the gay life. He
said he enjoys it. But what kind of life is that?

Everything he said sounded so typical. One of the more striking things that
came out of what he was saying seemed to be the amount of mental problems
- specifically the "neurotic" aspects - in himself and all his former friends and
lovers.

Talking to that guy today - and I talked for quite a while - has been one of the
most profound experiences I've had in this journey away from homosexuality.
The gay life is so worthless and destroys so many men, who could really
achieve something and be real men with real lives and real futures.

I feel so sorry for him. I really do. He is trapped, but I have been set free from
that psychological prison. I didn't think it possible, but I am even more
convinced and determined to never lead a so-called "gay" life. Thank God for
therapy!

Night out

Ah... I had a good night tonight, therapy-wise. I've spent all afternoon and
evening with my best buddies out on the town. They know of my SSA, so it
was a guys-only, freedom-of-speech, partially rowdy night. Great stuff.

They used to have nights like that all the time, but they never invited me
because I was such a "good little boy". Silly really, considering that it's not like
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they would always get plastered (drunk) and steal traffic cones and place them
on top of bus stops, like I see others do in my town.
But anyway, tonight after a brief phone call of "I'm bored, you fancy doing
something?" a night was quickly arranged.

Wow... how's that for progress? A whole night out with alcohol, sports, and me
thoroughly enjoying every minute of it. And absolutely no feeling of inferiority,
feeling different, or feeling the outsider. No intimidation from anyone. And
tonight we even started to arrange us all going away for the weekend to
London for a brief stint of Covent Garden music. That'll be great - I've never
had a holiday with straight guys before.

What a great night. Healthy doses of male affirmation, attention, and all that.
No more gay junk food for me, this healthy stuff is actually satisfying. I'm
kinda lucky, really. But I've had these friends for aaaages but never really took
advantage of this.

Be true to thineself

"Changing your sexuality is denying your true self" is a common phrase. It is

really your true self? If it is, then it shouldn't be caused by stresses and
problems in childhood. The amount of statistical evidence to support the idea
that homosexuality is caused by environment in childhood is overwhelming.
There is bucket-loads of it!

People assume that all of this data must, surely, have been disproved. Nope. It
hasn't. In fact, it continues to be confirmed. The reason you don't hear about it
is because it's simply ignored, kept quiet, and oppressed.

Here are the more common things effecting gay men in early life (these are
simply common - NOT all gay men have all the typical symptoms - in fact,
some gay men have NONE of them, but many do):

Gender Nonconformity. Avoiding competition and rough-and-tumble play with

other boys. Feeling intimidated and rejected by other boys. He misses much of
the bonding and companionship with other males that helps form his own
confident masculinity. His father didn't encourage him in masculine pursuits,
for whatever reasons. This is called gender-identity deficit. He is an outsider,
the "kitchen-window boy" who looks out the window at other boys playing
while he is kept separate from them in the home with mother.

Sensitivity. Takes criticisms very personally, and is easily hurt. He detaches

from other boys due to fear of being hurt (either physically or emotionally). He
avoids typical "rites-of-passage" into manhood.
Introspection. May be obsessed with being different, and special. The "good
little boy".

Relationship with Dad. Gay men have a painful longing for the affection they
wish their fathers had given them. Unlike heterosexual men who may look
back on a bad father with regret, gay men look back with scorn and bitterness.
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The father was either abusive, or just seemed uninterested. One report said
"There is not a single even moderately well-controlled study that we have been
able to locate in which male homosexuals refer to father positively or
affectionately."

Relationship with Mom. A close-binding and overly dependant relationship

between mother and son is common. The gay son may be mom's friend. He
feels better understood by her, yet the relationship is ambivalent. He feels
both angry and appreciative toward her. He may collude with her against the
father. He may need to feel sorry for his mother and give her the emotional
support that she would normally get from her husband.

Peer Isolation. Because of upbringing, the boy doesn't feel as comfortable

around his own peer group. He is "different" and may suffer from extreme
loneliness. On the other hand, he may have lots of friends and be very
popular, but fails to truly connect with his peers and doesn't feel like "one of
the guys".

Early Sex Abuse. Some studies support the claim that sexual molestation is
more common among gay men than heterosexual men.
Eroticization of Emotional Needs. Every boy needs male role models and to
develop his own masculinity. But if he is cut off from the world of men,
defensively detached from them (for fear of being hurt), his desire for
masculinity will be eroticized during adolescence. Dr. Jeffrey Satinover, a
reparative therapist, says: "When puberty sets in, sexual urges — which can
attach themselves to any object, especially in males — rise to the surface and
combine with his already intense need for masculine intimacy and warmth. He
begins to develop homosexual crushes." Via homosexual sex or fantasy, he
"cannot help admit that the relief is immense. This temporary feeling of
comfort is so profound that the experience is powerfully reinforced... Soon
homosexual activity becomes the central organizing factor in his life as he
slowly acquires the habit of turning to it regularly — not just because of his
original need for fatherly warmth and love, but to relieve anxiety of any sort."

By the way, there are a huge number of surveys conducted all across the world
which support the above facts. See the NARTH website and www.narth.com
and books such as Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality or Straight and
Narrow? for references.

After studying Reparative Therapy to great depth, I have been able to trace
the development of my own homosexuality. I have no shadow of a doubt in my
mind that I have developed homosexuality in childhood. I know why. I know
how. I know why I am gay (and I don't think it's much to do with my genes).

Misc. stuff today

Ages ago on one of the People Can Change support boards, a man posted the
following info. I recorded it because I thought it was neat.
I'm afraid I can't remember who wrote it, so kudos to you, whoever you are:

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Ten Reasons Homosexuality Never Works:
1. It provides masculinity through femininity.
2. It is like curing a disease with the same disease.
3. It is a small, narcissistic victory through a big defeat.
4. It provides intimacy with a man, but destroys manhood.
5. It provides a relief of the anxiety of merging into the phallic mother, but it
strengthens the tie to the mother even more.
6. It provides physical incorporation of another man's male sexual organ, but
destroys the psychological internalization of one's own male identity.
7. It is an artificial means for self-esteem regulation, but it destroys one's own
self-esteem.
8. It gives the illusion of being accepted by other men, but it increasingly
estranges a man from the circle of men who are not gay.
9. It is a way to express repressed anger and aggression, but it makes a man
more passive every time.
10. It avoids conflicts with other men, but it does this through surrendering
and losing.

Continued from Part 3

Yes, I actually exist

"Change is impossible" said one doctor. Well, I mustn't exist then. That's right,
this page doesn't exist, in fact, I don't exist! I'm just a figment of your
imagination. Change of sexuality is possible.

I must admit, however, that I wouldn't have believed that Reparative Therapy
could actually work, if it weren't for the fact that it did work for me. If it hadn't
worked, I probably would have (egotistically) concluded that it mustn't work
for anyone. Of course, Reparative Therapy is simply a form of psychotherapy
(there's nothing particularly new or unusual about it). And as yet another form
of psychotherapy, the success rates are typically inline with what you would
expect of psychotherapy.

Roughly, about a third experience good change, another third experience

moderate change, and the remaining third doesn't experience any change. It's
not spectacular, but considering it is changing something which is touted to be
"impossible" to change, the results are remarkable. NOTE: This estimate is
based on people who completed therapy with the help of a professional
NARTH-approved therapist - and NOT people who have tried it for a few
weeks/months and then stopped, or simply been a member of an "ex-gay"
group in a church!

It has to be noted that sexuality is fluid. This has always been the case. The
gay world abounds with stories of "straight" men temporarily deviating to
homosexuality. This is because sexuality is fluid, not fixed. It is not set in
stone. It can even change over time with age and circumstances. So it's not
very remarkable to learn that we can now manipulate it willingly.

Contrary to what some say, Reparative Therapy does not, never has, ever, and
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never will, support efforts to change such as electric shock treatment, aversion
therapy, drugs, hormone injections, or any other strange forms of treatment.
Reparative Therapy is psychological - that means it involves talking, reading,
and perhaps, writing.

Taking a break

Hello,
This will be my last entry. I find myself very busy with other aspects of my life.
So I won't be writing any further entries.

However, just so you know: my therapy and journey out of homosexuality is

continuing to go well. If there is anything the last nearly two years has taught
me, it's that change is certainly real.

While the journey has, so far, been a mixture of forward and backward steps,
I've kept at it. And I've continued to see that the "fixed and unchangeable"
argument for homosexuality is wrong.

Sexuality in humans is a flowing thing that can certainly be manipulated. To

deny this is to deny the basics of human nature itself (not to mention 80+
years of psychological research). Change in sexual feelings - whether from gay
to straight or straight to gay - is in perfect alignment with everything
psychology understands about the human mind. Saying change is impossible is
like saying the sky isn't blue.

To anyone who is just starting out on the journey of change, I say this: Keep
going, don't give up!

My life is so much better now. In ways I never thought possible, my

personality has changed for the better. I'm somehow more mature, more self
confident, and just an all-round better guy. Friends and family have remarked
on it too. I cannot imagine life the way it used to be, with the depression, self-
pity (which you only realize is there until after you get rid of it), the phobias,
the inadequacies, and the reasons for feeling sad.
Being 100% gay, as I was, was 100% worse than life is now.

Reparative therapy (+ gender affirmation therapy) works! And that is a fact -

no matter how much gay activits will be in denial about it.
My therapy will, as always, continue on.

Warm regards,
Jake

"The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing
it." -- Chinese Proverb.
___________________________________________________________
Appendix: Essays by Jake Taylor

The Gay Ten Percent Myth

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“We’re ten percent of the population!” said a gay character in an American TV
sitcom. “One in ten people are gay!” says the representative of a gay rights
group in a televised discussion. “Gay men and women represent approximately
ten percent of the population” says a pamphlet produced by a gay
organization.

Ten percent is a huge chunk of the population. Could that many people really
be gay? What do modern scientific studies reveal? Do the numbers mean
anything?

Origins
Before we consider the above questions, let’s discuss where the ten percent
figure came from.

Back in the 1970’s, a National Gay Task Force campaigner called Bruce Voeller
started to use the ten percent figure. He wanted to convince the American
public that gays are "everywhere" in order to support their campaign. He
derived the statistic from a 1948 book called Sexual Behaviour in the Human
Male written by famous a sex researcher called Alfred Kinsey.

When it was released, Kinsey’s book shocked America. In part, it claimed that
a third of American men have had at least one homosexual encounter since
puberty, and ten percent of men have been more or less homosexual for at
least three years.

Kinsey did not claim that ten percent of men were always homosexual. On the
contrary, he claimed that just four percent of those he surveyed were
exclusively homosexual. However, there is reason to believe that even this
smaller figure may be inflated.

The book Sex and Fraud examines Kinsey’s work, and reveals that roughly a
quarter of the men Kinsey surveyed were actually in jail. While not all prison
inmates practice homosexuality, certainly a higher inclination of homosexuality
would be found among them. It beggars belief, but included was over 1,000
convicted sex offenders in this census of supposedly “average” American men.

It is for these reasons that the ten percent figure should be viewed with much
skepticism. However, we will consider even more reasons why the figure is
nothing more than a myth. Please read on.

How many is ten percent?

Let’s imagine for a moment that the ten percent figure is correct. How many
gay people are there?

Based on a global population of about 6,000,000,000 (six billion) then ten

percent is 600,000,000 (six hundred million). That’s over half a billion people!
Does that have a ring of truth about it? Do you really believe that over half a
billion people could be gay?

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What about the population of a city? The population of London’s greater area is
approximately seven million. Ten percent of seven million is seven hundred
thousand – that's nearly three-quarters of a million people in the London area
alone. While London does have many gay venues and businesses, there are
certainly not enough to support a population of that size. Let's not even
consider that London is a tourist hot-spot and easily accessible to persons
living in neighbouring cities and countries.

Indeed, in the summer of 2003, what was advertised as the "biggest gay
parade and pride festival in Europe" took place in central London. According to
official figures only a few thousand turned up. Almost as many people took
part in the parade as those who stood by and watched it. Despite much media
coverage, the free music concert in one of London’s parks failed to attract a
large crowd, and most of the people who attended were obviously
heterosexuals who were only there for the free entertainment (featuring many
popular heterosexual DJs and pop groups).

To believe that ten percent of the population is gay is highly unrealistic. For
each gay bar or nightclub, there are well over a thousand normal bars and
nightclubs. The numbers simply don’t add up.

It should also be noted that Kinsey's second report into female sexuality places
lesbianism at roughly half of that for males. So, even if we believe Kinsey, then
by adding up the figures for men and women, ten percent of the population
never was gay: (10 + 5) / 2 = 7.5%

It seems that the ten percent figure is obviously implausible and unrealistic -
not to mention it's highly unreliable source. So, what do modern scientific
studies tell us? Can they lend any support to the ten percent myth?

Modern Studies
Over the past decades there have been well over a dozen studies into the
number of homosexual men and women. Yet, not one of them has reproduced
the ten percent figure. Please consider the following studies from the USA.

· In January to March 1990 the National Center for Health Statistics, USA, ran
three separate studies into health and AIDS awareness. They concluded that
less than 3 percent of men had experienced same-sex relations at least once in
the past fifteen years.

· The November 1991 Journal of Sex Research reported how The National
Opinion Research Center, USA, ran four separate national studies in 1970,
1988, 1989 and 1990 using a total of 7,408 subjects, and a fifth survey on the
city of Dallas, Texas, also in 1990. Putting the four national survey results
together you find 1.8% of men had male-to-male sex in the previous 12
months. 3.3% experienced it “occasionally” or “fairly often” as adults. 5 to 7%
had such contact at least once in their lives. The Dallas survey reported slightly
higher results.

· In 1993 the Archives of Sexual Behavior incorporated studies by NORC and

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three other studies taken after 1988. The results are 5.5% male and 2.5%
female for lifetime homosexual contact.

· In 1994 the report Social Organization of Sexuality used three thousand

subjects and produced the following results. 1.3% of women reported at least
one female sexual partner in the previous year. 3.8% at least one in their
lifetime. Among sexually active men, 2.8% reported at least one male sexual
partner in the previous year, with 7.1% at least one in their lifetime since
puberty.

Now let’s take a look at some European studies:

· In November 1990 the British magazine Nature reported on the results of a
survey taken in the UK. A pilot study was made of 1,000 British adults. This
yielded a result of 9% of men and 4% of women having a homosexual
experience at least once in their life. The numbers having a homosexual
experience in the last year were 5% and 1% respectively.

· Later, in December 1992, Nature magazine ran the results of the bigger
survey of 19,000 British men. This time the larger test group seemed to yield
lower results. It was found that 3.6% of men had at least one homosexual
experience in their life, and 1.1% had experienced a homosexual encounter in
the previous year.

· In April 1989 the British Medical Journal ran the article “Sexual Behaviour of
Young and Middle Aged men in England and Wales” which reported the results
of small study of 480 subjects. They found only 1.7% had ever had a
homosexual experience, and half of those had only had one such experience.

· In 1989 in the Netherlands, which has been called a “haven” for

homosexuals, a study of 1000 subjects revealed 3.3% of men and just 0.4% of
women declared a predominantly homosexual preference during the previous
year, and 12% and 4% having a homosexual preference at least once in their
lives.

· In 1992 a study in France was reported in both Nature and Science

magazines. The study, with a massive 20,055 subjects, reported that 1.1% of
men and 0.3% of women have had same-sex relations in the previous year,
1.4% and 0.4% in the previous five years, and 4.1% and 2.6% ever.

These types of studies seem to be very popular. No doubt there will be more of
them released over the years. Why not do some investigation yourself, and
look up one of the above studies, or perhaps a new one as they are released?
You will find that the ten percent figure for life-long homosexual desires or
behaviour is simply a myth.

What does it all mean?

Does this information mean anything, and is it really important? Yes, it means
a lot and it is very important.

Firstly, we have to realize that the above facts are not a tightly-guarded
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secret. The very same pro-gay groups, journalists, and politicians that spread
the ten percent myth actually know all of the facts we've mentioned.

In the video Gay Rights – Special Rights, a gay activist said, “The thing about
the ‘1 in 10’ – I think people probably always did know that it was inflated. But
it was quite a nice number that you could point to, that you could say ‘one in
ten’ and it’s a good way to get people to visualize that we’re here.” A co-
founder of ACT-UP is also quoted by Time magazine as saying "Bill Clinton and
Jesse Helms worry about 10% of the population. They don't worry about 1%.
This [new study] will give Bill Clinton a chance to welch on promises."

The pro-gay groups have known for many years that the ten percent figure is
just a myth. Despite that, they have deliberately persisted in telling you lies.
Why is that? The answer is simple. To manipulate you. They are lying to you so
they can manipulate you to arrive at their viewpoints. The ends justify the
means.

Secondly, we must realize that the percentages and numbers of persons who
practice a certain behavior are, in fact, entirely irrelevant. Simply because a
supposedly high proportion of people do something, there is no justification (or
condemnation) for that behavior.

Pedophilia is very rare, but its rarity isn't what makes it wrong. Most people lie,
but it's popularity doesn't make it right.

You may, of course, sympathize with the gay rights movement. This essay is
not intended to argue against gay rights or any political viewpoint. However, if
you do support the gay rights agenda (or any other political agenda for that
matter), ask yourself this question: were you persuaded by legitimate,
truthful, and logical arguments; or were you manipulated by lies, half-truths,
and distortions, such as the ten percent myth? Would you have formed the
same opinion if you hadn't been lied to?

Conclusion
The ten percent figure is nothing more than a myth. It was designed to fool
you into believing certain things, and is based on statistics that are flawed and
obviously wrong. Scores of corroborating studies demonstrate that the
percentage of homosexually inclined persons is significantly lower than ten
percent.

The APA and others who oppose change therapy are hypocrites

The APA (the American Psychological Association) has tried to ban Reparative
Therapy. So it may come as a surprise to learn that the previous president of
the APA, Dr. Ron Perloff, regarding this issue said "I believe that APA is flat out
wrong, undemocratic, and shamefully unprofessional"!

In addition he said, "The APA is too goddamn politically correct...and too

goddamn obeisant to special interests!... First, the data are not fully in yet.
Second, if the client wants a change, listen to the client. Third, you're barring
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research... "

The NARTH website notes that "Dr. Perloff is a recipient of the American
Psychological Foundation's Gold Medal Award for Lifetime Achievement in
Psychology in the Public Interest. In bestowing the award, the Psychological
Foundation recognized Perloff for his noted "love of social justice" and his
career-long struggle to champion "the rights and dignity of women, minorities,
and homosexuals.""

Yet this man supports efforts to research Reparative Therapy. The reason is
that Dr. Perloff is not allowing politics to dictate scientific research. Unlike the
so-called "rights" advocates, this man is not a hypocrite and a bigot.

The anti-ex-gay lobby is advocating censorship, barring medical research,

muzzling free speech, and oppressing human rights.

Some say it's "harmful". I don't believe that at all. After learning even a small
amount of information regarding psychotherapy and Reparative Therapy, one
should know that such claims are false. The only people who claim it caused
them 'harm' would be attention seekers wallowing in self-pity, trying to draw
sympathy to the poor desolate soul they feel they are. Also, some claim that
the APA actually said that it was harmful. But did they? The official APA
resolution said there was "no evidence" for either the effectiveness or harm of
Reparative treatments.

Some claim it should be banned because it is unethical. But is it? It allows me

to live my life the way I choose, and I am happier for it. Everyone should have
the right to choose. Does this, therefore, imply that the APA is ethical? Then
ponder this for a moment...

A certain Dr. Rind was the lead author of the American Psychological
Association-published article which claimed that when pedophiles have sex
with young boys, it is beneficial. NARTH (National Association for Research and
Treatment of Homosexuality) thought this was terrible, and exposed this in its
1999 Fact Sheet, "The Problem of Pedophilia," which was then brought to
public attention by radio host Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Dr. Laura's outrage
against the conclusions of the Rind article led to a reprimand of the APA by
Congress. Later, the APA restated its strong support for "scientific freedom."

So, then, the APA has absolutely no problem in supporting and encouraging
"scientific freedom" to investigate whether sexual molestation of boys is
beneficial, but it discourages and opposes the scientific freedom to treat men
for sexual desires that they don't even want.

Is that ethical?

Reasons Some Want to Oppress Reparative Therapy:

· Politics. Most of the oppression comes directly from the gay political groups.
They, wrongly, think it is part of a right-wing political campaign.
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· Exposes lies. It exposes some of the gay rights lobby as wrong when they
claim science “proved” it is genetic and unchangeable.

· Fear. Fear that change may actually be possible.

· Fooled. Well-meaning persons may genuinely believe that it’s harmful,

although these are really lies they have been told by gay political groups. They
think gays are helpless victims who need defending.

· Ignorance. After hearing stories of persons who have failed to change, some
mistakenly concluded that it mustn’t work at all, even though there is no
medical treatment on earth that has a 100% success rate.

· Fascists. Anti-ex-gay groups dictate how others should live.

· Taboo. Because, not all gay men and women are happy with their “gay” lives,
some want to silence disquieting voices.

Good Reasons to Keep Reparative Therapy Available·

Choice. Allows persons to choose their own destiny and decide for themselves
how they should best live their life.

· No harm. There is no evidence that it causes any of the “harm” that some
people claim.

· Ethical. It respects the moral and religious convictions of patients, which are
currently ignored or ridiculed by anti-ex-gay psychologists.

· Benefits. Many persons have claimed that it benefits them immensely, and
this has even been documented.

· It works. There is absolutely no doubt that sexuality is fluid, not set in stone,
and can be modified or even change spontaneously.

· Interesting. It is an incredibly interesting new field of psychotherapy, and

opens up new possibilities never seen before, and should be investigated
further.

· Voluntary. It won’t work if it is forced on anyone.

· Advances knowledge. It extends our understanding of psychology as a whole,

and uses methods of psychotherapy that have been long accepted for decades.

I will not have my life dictated to by political groups who think their way of life
is best for everyone. They use lies, intimidation, dodgy research, slander, and
threats to achieve their political ends. I will lead my life the way I choose.

Prognosis
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There are many factors which effect how well a person undergoing change
therapy will progress. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi in his book Reparative Therapy of
Male Homosexuality lists these factors which a homosexual should have in
order to undergo successful therapy:

1. No ambivalence in “rejecting a homosexual identity”

2. A “lack of indulgence in self-pity”

3. A “positive sense of self”

4. Possessing the necessary “ego-strength to tolerate stress and frustration”

5. Holding “traditional values and the sense of oneself as a member of

heterosexual society”

6. The “ability to resist impulsive behaviors and to postpone gratification”

7. The setting of goals

8. The “capacity to reflect upon, verbalize, and learn from past experiences”

9. Not submitting to “a fatalistic attitude or who see life as happening to them”

10. The ability to be “honest with oneself and others… as is the ability to
identify what one is feeling”

11. Having “an appreciation for gender differences”

12. Those who “have been less sexually active have better prognoses”

13. Of “the utmost value” is patience…

14. …and “acceptance of the ongoing nature of this struggle.”

Keep in mind, however, that the goal is not a cure. Reparative Therapy is
never touted as a cure - but simply change. It is amusing to note, however,
that many ridiculers often claim therapy is touted as a "cure" - even putting
the word cure in quotation marks, as if they are quoting it from some source.
It's amusing because it reveals the profound depth of ignorance in such
people.

The truth is, therapy is not a cure, and is never described as being such. There
are very few persons who have a complete change. The Spitzer study by Dr.
Robert Spitzer of Columbia University deliberately examined people who had
the guts to complete therapy, and who claimed that Therapy had worked for
them. Even among this exclusively successful group, “complete change was
the case for only 11% of the males.” This corroborates with the study by Dr.
van den Aardweg in 1986 which stated that 11% of his clients experienced
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“radical change,” which is defined as “no homosexual interests except for
occasional and weak homosexual ‘flashes’ at most and the restoration of full
heterosexuality.”

Do not misunderstand, though. You have every chance of experiencing radical

change yourself. Even if you do not, you can experience much change. The
Spitzer study used a scale of 0 to 100 (zero being heterosexual, one hundred
being homosexual) to measure homosexual attraction. Before therapy, the
successful males averaged 91 in this scale. However, after therapy they
averaged just 23 on the scale. That’s a shift of 68 points!

Therefore, as one who has undergone therapy, I strongly believe that

Reparative Therapy (and it's Gender-Affirmation Therapy counterpart) is
perfectly good and can shift sexual desire a huge amount.

A few tips...

Here are some things that I have stuck to since I started therapy:

1. Try to do something associated with your therapy every single day without
fail – even something small.

2. Never, ever, look at gay porn or have gay sex or go to gay bars. Each time
you do, your progress is delayed, stopped, or reversed.

3. Read, highlight, study and take notes from every Reparative Therapy book
you’ve got. Read it more than once.

4. Do things to “test your masculinity” or “confront your fears” as often as

possible. Start small, and work up the ladder.

5. Keep away from all caffeine – in coffee, cola, weigh-loss tablets, energy
drinks, etc. I know it sounds crazy, but trust me on this (caffeine increases
sex-drive in some people)

6. Practice self-discipline in small ways. T his will help control yourself in the
big things.

7. Know some statistics about gay relationships. This will open your eyes to
the fallacy of gay “love.”

8. Get connected with your body. Appreciate that you are a man from the
crown of your head to the tip of your toes.

9. Take an interest in “masculine” things. But find one you can be genuinely
interested in. Not all men like football.

10. Get help from others. Whether it is mentors, a psychotherapist, your

parents, trusted friends, or someone else. Isolation = Death

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And a final thing which I must mention: you’re not special. If you do things
incorrectly, the therapy will not magically work for you because you are
somehow different than other men. Take other men's advice, as well as the
advice of psychologists. Some things may be difficult to accept (such as
admitting personality flaws), but you will benefit by being humble and willing
to accept help.

Don't Be Stupid

I once gave some herbal tablets to a friend of mine who had a particular skin
condition. I told him the tablets may help treat it. At great expense, I obtained
the tablets for him and told him that he must take three a day for at least
three weeks before any changes start to appear. He was very grateful and he
agreed to take them.

Upon seeing him again a few months later, I asked if the tablets had been any
help. He bluntly answered, “No, they didn’t work”. I was perplexed at his
answer, as I was sure that they would have helped – even if it was just a little
bit. However, I later found out from another member of his family what had
happened. After I gave him the bottle, he took just one tablet, waited an hour,
concluded that it hadn’t worked, and then threw the rest of them in the
garbage!

Therefore, if you’re going to give Reparative Therapy a try, ask yourself this
first: am I going to give it a proper attempt, or am I going to try it just long
enough to prove that it won’t work, or give up if it doesn’t work straight away,
or finally, give up after a short time due to sheer laziness?

Everything I Needed to Know to be a Better Christian I Learned from

Having a Son who is Gay

I have learned to have compassion toward other parents whose children are
living a lifestyle different from the one they were taught. 1 Peter 3:8

I have learned to be caring toward his friends, in hopes that I can make a
difference, and that it is possible to accept someone without approving their
behavior. Jude 1:22

I have learned that I am not responsible for his choices, because each of us
has to individually answer to God. Philippians 2:13

I have learned to pray without ceasing. 1 Thessalonians 5:7

I have learned to count this time of “testing my faith” as a blessing, because it

will fine-tune me to show compassion to others who are hurting. James 1:2, 3

I have learned to ask God for wisdom in decisions I need to make. James 1:5

I have learned what true friendship is and how to be a conduit of God’s love.
Proverbs 18:24
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I have learned what unconditional love is all about. 1 Corinthians 13:48a

I have learned about patience. “The strength of those who wait upon the Lord
will be renewed.” Isaiah 40:31

I have learned to relinquish my child to God and, in turn, to love ex-gays and
strugglers as the children God has sent in my path. Proverbs 11:21

Jewish wife of a struggler

A LETTER FROM THE WIFE OF A JEWISH MAN STRUGGLING WITH SSA

My name is Rachel. My husband struggles with same-sex attraction (SSA). I’m

writing to share my experience in coming to terms with my husband's SSA.

Shmuel and I were married for 13 years before he told me about his SSA. One
day he came into the house looking nervous and concerned about something.
He said, “ There is something I have to tell you”. Then he couldn’t get the
words out--he kept hesitating. So being impatient, I said, “ Shmuel, just say it
… what is it? you’re gay?“ ... But I was not serious. I just figured if I said
something so big, he would have an easier time telling me whatever it was.
Well, lo and behold, I wasn’t far from the truth! My first reaction was wow!
This is not possible!

Then I looked at him and said, “How could you have lived with such a big
secret for such a long time?" I couldn’t understand how he could enjoy life and
his family while holding in such a secret. Also, because of my attitude toward
secrets, I felt really bad for him. Secrets make me feel anxious and worried.
Secrets to me are awful. They take up my whole being. They fill my waking
hours and my dreams.

He acknowledged that he kept the secret for too long, that he was ashamed to
admit his issues, first to a counsellor at JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives
to Homosexuality)( http://www.jonahweb.org/) with whom he had been
working to grow out of his homosexuality and then to his therapist who he had
secretly been seeing (recommended to him by JONAH). Both apparently
strongly counseled that when he felt ready he needed to bring me into the
picture and thus become more authentic in his relationship with me as his
spouse.

My heart went out to Shmuel, and at the same time I was glad he unburdened
himself. I felt bad that he lived with anxiety and unfilled needs, unable to
share his deepest pain with anyone, particularly me, until this point in time. I
understood it was too shameful for him. Yet I felt bad that he didn't confide in
ME, his wife. Didn't he trust me? What did he think I would do if he told me the
truth, ask for a divorce?! No way! I take our marriage very seriously. My
feeling always was that we can work through whatever comes our way. I
believe that we truly are each other's "bashert" (fated soulmate).

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Then came phase 2. ANGER. Lots of it. Although I didn’t scream and yell (we
generally don’t fight), I was angry inside. And, he knew it. I felt like I was
made a fool of for 13 years. But then again what was Shmuel supposed to do?
Tell me before we got married? I don’t know that we would have married (only
because I think my family would have objected.)

I come from an Orthodox Jewish home where community opinion plays a large
role in the way my family sees things. The community is generally closed
minded and ignorant when it comes to issues such as homosexuality. My
family has never had any experience with any relatives or friends being gay.
They simply would not know how to deal with it.

That first year that followed Shmuel was in the midst of therapy and we didn’t
really discuss the subject too much. I just accepted it, he went to therapy and
that was that. However, there came a point where his therapist recommended
that I come with Shmuel for a therapy session. I agreed to go for a few
reasons. I wanted to meet the therapist to get better answers as to what was
happening as well as to enable him as a healer to gain a more complete picture
of Shmuel’s life. I also wanted to talk about some of my husband’s issues and
understand them better.

I wanted to be helpful to my husband's healing process. I also wanted to know

how I came into this picture and how our relationship toward each other and
our children would be affected by Shmuel's revelation. Shmuel's therapist was
incredibly helpful in answering many of my questions and assured me that
Shmuel had the capacity not only to overcome his homosexuality but more
importantly to alleviate many of his underlying emotional woundings which led
him to his homosexuality.

One of the processes recommended by JONAH for men struggling with SSA is
for them to attend the New Warriors Training Adventure.(
http://www.mkp.org/ ). For those of you who know men who are unhappy
being gay, or question their own internal sense of masculinity, tell them to GO!
After the New Warriors weekend is when we started to talk a lot more openly
about my husband's struggle with SSA (not to outsiders, only among
ourselves). Because he began to internalize some of the lessons of authencity
taught by Warriors, he began being more authentic with me about his own
emotions and his own feelings. It made our communication about marital
issues far easier.

Then there was the Journey into Manhood Weekend (JiM) (

http://www.peoplecanchange.com/), another experiential weekend
recommended by JONAH. This weekend enabled Shmuel to become even more
open about his feelings and to recognize how his own perceptions about
himself and others affected his life.

It also gave him a clearer vision of what he needed to do to make the

necessary changes to be the kind of man he always wanted to be. In addition,
Shmuel expanded his network of men, getting to know many new men who
were living with the same struggle as he was..... but, who like him, were
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determined to grow out of their same sex attractions. An important element of
these relationships were that these men accepted him just as he is. It was an
extremely affirming experience for him. Again, if you know men who struggle
with SSA, tell them that JiM was an incredible experience for my husband (and
therefore for me as well).

What helped me most was Shmuel’s newfound willingness to include me in

every way possible. Now, of course he needs his privacy.He needs male
affirmation which is something I obviously can’t provide for him and which he
had lacked for so long. Indeed, that is one of the very causes of his SSA.

Nevertheless, he includes me wherever he can. We talk a lot, which is very

helpful to both of us. Shmuel is working hard towards change. He could have
said, “Forget it. This is too intense for me. Forget my wife’s feelings….Forget
family life…”. Instead he chose to work hard on himself for change.

Shmuel and I have developed an interesting practice which helps my husband

bond better with other men while simultaneously helping him, me, and SSA
men he knows. We invite some of these men to our home for meals, be it
weekday or Shabbos. These are men whom Shmuel has met through the
network of activities in which the SSA strugglers participate. By my exposure
to other men facing similar issues (whether they are single or married), I can
better understand my husband's issues. For the men who visit us, I believe
their participation in a warm, nurturing family environment helps them as
many of them never had such an environment in their youth.

I thank God that Shmuel and I always had a good relationship. I’m at a point
where I realize Shmuel loves me, always has, always will, and I feel the same
way about him. This is not about me. There really isn’t anything I can do to
change the way he feels, only he can do that. What I can do is be supportive.

Let him go to his men’s groups without me complaining about the late hours.
Truthfully, it's not easy for Shmuel to go out two evenings a week (and
sometimes three if he has a therapy session). But he’s doing this for US. I
sometimes forget that and must try to always remember that whatever
psychological work Shmuel is doing, he is doing for both of us and our family.
He is becoming a better and better husband, father, and man.

Yet, there are many conflicting emotions that I have gone through and still go
through. It is not easy for me. But, generally, I have a feeling of acceptance
and most of all, love, for my husband. I always believed I was there for him
but now that I understand the causes of his issues and his occasional distance
(I have taken the time to read the literature and educate myself), I am even
more supportive. All of us have issues. None of us are perfect. If we are aware
of our issues and work together as a team, as G-d intended, then we are living
a life which is true to our faith and ourselves.

Best wishes to all you brave men and to your present and future families,

Rachel

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Letitgo1000@aol.com

NOTE: JONAH, Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality, can be

reached at http://www.jonahweb.org/. I strongly recommend that anyone
affected by this issue, be it an individual struggling with the issue or a family
member or a friend that cares about someone with the issue, reach out for
help from JONAH. They are compassionate, caring, and have developed a
relatively complete program to help.

Special Note to spouses of SSA men:

First, don’t think of SSA as an unsolvable problem, but as some event that
popped into your life for the moment (and I say for the moment because
clearly your husband can undo this situation through his growth as a man.)
Take it as an opportunity to stand beside your man and be supportive. Your
husband will love and appreciate you more for it.

Second, your husband having SSA doesn’t mean that your sex life can’t be
wonderful or that you can’t turn him on. During the healing journey, he may
experience some pulls to the same sex, but it doesn’t take away from his
fidelity or love for you.Rachel

Married to a Former Transgender

Following is a response Charlene Leach gave to a man who fervently opposes

work to help a person overcome their transgender desires. Charlene is married
to a former transgender:

Dear K____,

But I will tell you assuredly, that as a wife who once lived with a man who
thought that way and who believed he was a woman trapped in a man's body
and who at one time went on hormones, etc., I want you to know that it is an
agonizing experience for a wife. Not only have I once lived it, but over the last
10 years I have spoken with many wives (and continue to each week) who are
in the midst of it right now. Their husbands want them to accept it. Their
husbands want to wear the negligees to bed with their wives. They want their
wives to, in essence, turn into lesbians. And these women are heterosexual,
but their husbands try to force this on them. Their husbands want to dress that
way in front of their children, so they would have two mommas instead of a
momma and a daddy.

These men are totally self-absorbed. They do not consider the damage this is
doing to their children or their wives.

I now live with a man (the same man I spoke of earlier) who is now at home in
his masculinity, who treats me with respect and dignity. He is a caring and
compassionate man, a wonderful husband and a great grandfather to his nine
grandchildren … because I have seen first hand the changes that occurred in
him over the years as he untangled and dealt with the root causes for his

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gender-identity confusion, as he read books, sought counsel, received inner
healing prayer, etc., and did the hard work of recovery…. because I know for a
truth that there is hope for men who are in the same boat he once was in
….because I know that there is hope for these men and their wives and
children and grandchildren, I want to shout it from the housetops… "There's
FREEDOM! Real, lasting Freedom from the agonizing, self-destructive, self-
defeating life that comes with transsexualism and the damaging effects it has
on families."

I know you do not understand what it is like to be the wife of a transsexual.

But I do. And my passion is to touch the lives of wives, as Jerry [my husband]
touches the lives of men, and come alongside them, and walk with them into
the freedom we have found.

Blessings!

Charlene

HOW I BECAME A PFOX MOM

“But Mom, who wants to spend the summer in school?" my 16-year-old son
grumbled. "Students who get a college scholarship, that's who!" I replied. Thus
began our encouragement of our son's attendance to a highly prestigious
residential state summer school for gifted students for which he had been
selected.

I'm a PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays) mom. I've been a PFOX
mom since the year our son returned home from summer school that fateful
summer. I've needed the support PFOX provides in order to cope. This is our
family's story:

Our son was a delightful child, a sweet, sensitive, and compassionate boy.
Verbally gifted, he excelled at singing and acting. Only problem was... these
abilities were not the skills which made him particularly popular with other
boys in his public school. When puberty hit, we now know that he felt
confused. Girls had always loved him... he had many friends who were girls.
He was an outsider with many boys, however, as he had no interest in sports,
for example. We had noticed instances of peer rejection but our son seemed to
shrug this off. Now at puberty, he felt attracted to the unknown... boys... the
gender he had always longed to be fully accepted by.

In the midst of this confusion, our son was encouraged by my husband and me
to attend the aforementioned state summer school for gifted students. How we
now regret sending him there! This experience was the catalyst which
propelled him into an acquired “gay” identity, a misidentity he still clings to.
How so, you might wonder. Well, we eventually learned that pro-gay
indoctrination was propagated at the school (as one issue of "exploration").
Also, an R-rated explicit pro-gay film was even shown sandwiched between the
other appropriate films! Parents were never informed that this would happen! I

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only discovered this when an adult friend of mine mentioned that such gay
indoctrination had taken place when she herself attended the school as a teen.

I was shocked but now things began to make sense. Our dear son had
returned from the summer school changed! At the time, it felt like we were all
in a bad TV movie. Our once sweet boy was now hostile, openly denouncing
the Bible our family so cherished. His dress and look changed and he wondered
aloud if he were bisexual. (WHAT??? We had never even mentioned that word
in our home!) He now had new friends who were also flaunting a gay identity
and insisting on living a gay subculture of gay dress, music films, books,
language, politics, etc. The guilt to this day is intense... it was me who did the
most encouraging to send our son to that state sponsored school. I thus
suppressed my fears and the reality of that summer.

Several years later in the summer of 2004, however, I began feeling a distinct
urging from God to investigate what our son had been exposed to and to share
our story with the summer school officials. I tried to resist the urging but it
only got stronger, especially after attending PFOX events where I found
support with other parents. Finally I prayed for guidance and God gave me the
courage to face what I was about to learn. I called the top official of the state
summer school.

Together we embarked on an investigation as he was appalled to hear of what

my son may have been exposed to. We researched the curriculum from the
year my son attended the summer school and confirmed that yes, he had been
willfully indoctrinated with pro-gay agenda in one of the offered seminars and
yes, he had seen an R-rated explicit pro-gay film while at the summer school. I
felt like someone had punched me hard in the stomach!

Although I had always suspected this truth, the reality that my dear son's mind
had essentially been raped and brainwashed was almost too much to bear! I
cried for days. All his young life, I had protected my son from harm, as any
parent would. He was not even allowed to see R-rated movies without my
permission. But in one awful summer all of that had changed. The school had
exposed him to gay doctrine, and encouraged him to explore homosexuality
and homosexual issues, without offering any alternatives to homosexuality or
presenting the ex-gay perspective.

After more prayer, I doggedly dried my tears and made an appointment to see
the summer school officials in person. Off I marched to the state capital on the
day of my appointment to share my family's story! I wanted no more gifted
students hurt as my son had been! I wanted protections in place for families!
Heart pounding, I entered the proper administration building and headed to
the floor where the meeting would take place. I was the first one present at
the conference room. As I stood there looking in, I suddenly realized that my
nervousness had completely evaporated! I now felt perfectly comfortable and
enveloped in a beautiful peace... like God was right there beside me!

The officials filed in. I told my family's story about my son being exposed to
gay indoctrination at their prestigious school and how my son had returned
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home with a newly acquired “gay identity” so that that all his new friends were
also flaunting a gay identity and insisting on living a gay subculture of gay
dress, music, films, books, language, politics, etc. It was almost like a cult. The
school officials appeared to listen. The top official who had worked with me
that summer in the investigation assured me that the topic of homosexuality
would no longer be broached at the summer school as long as he was senior
director. I was further promised that from now on, parents would be fully
informed of the content of all sessions and parental permission would be
secured for student attendance at films.

Fast forward to January 2006. I'm at work and the phone rings. It's Regina
Griggs, PFOX Executive Director, who knew of my meeting in the summer of
2004 with the state summer school officials. She proceeded to inform me that
she had just read an article in the media which described how another family
had been adversely impacted by their gifted son's experience at the same
summer school this past summer (2005) due to exposure to gay
indoctrination. Oh no! I thought frantically. What happened to the assurances
by the school?

I immediately contacted the mom from the article. We shared our similar
stories with each other. Her son had returned home from the same school
confused about homosexuality because of a gay seminar he had attended, and
they had to seek family counseling. The son had attended a seminar called
“The New Gay Teenager”, written by a homosexual teacher. The two
instructors of the seminar identified themselves as gay. One is listed as a
youth coordinator for Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
(PFLAG) and was investigated for allegations of sexual activity with a 17-year-
old student. The mom also told me that the instructors encouraged students to
start gay clubs at their schools after the students returned home and that their
son was told that the Bible did not apply to society today.

I felt so betrayed that harm to another young student had once again
occurred! Incensed, I called the school officials. I learned the on-site director
had approved the pro-gay seminar as an optional session during the last week
of the summer school. Parents were not informed in advance of the course
offering as the schools officials had promised me over a year ago. The senior
director that I had spoken to had been unaware that such a session had been
approved and presented.

How brave this new family is! Courageously, they have gone public with their
story and their possible lawsuit against the highly prestigious state summer
school for gifted students is pending. At first, I felt so discouraged that my own
efforts had been in vain since it was now clear that I hadn't been able to bring
about needed protections for other students and families after all.

But this other mom thanked me for contacting her, pointing out that the case
against the school is all the stronger as it is now known that school officials
had prior knowledge that a seminar pushing the pro-gay agenda could indeed
result in the harming of vulnerable children and their families. This other mom
and I have now decided to strive on together to ensure that finally no more
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students and families are adversely impacted as our sons and families have
been. We will not rest until true protections are firmly in place and the school
is monitored by an outside oversight committee! Your fervent prayers are
coveted as we embark on this vital endeavor... the minds and souls of the
children are at stake!

-- J.

Gay Man Defends his Decision to Start Dating Women

"Any Choice of Sexuality Remains Valid"

by Kevyn Jacobs, Kansas State Collegian, Sept 24, 1995

Homosexual activist Kevyn Jacobs had previously asserted in Oasis Magazine in

1994 that sexual orientations could not be chosen. By 1995, he'd changed his
mind, evidently because he had started dating women

It would probably shock some of my more liberal friends to hear me say I

agree with the Radical Religious Right on one issue: Some people do choose to
be gay.

So does that mean they are less deserving of respect than those who were
born gay?

Many liberals have the attitude, "Well, since homosexuals didn't choose to be
that way, we should accept homosexuality as a normal part of life."

Excuse me?

Just because homosexuals didn't choose to be that way? Are you saying
homosexual behavior is ONLY acceptable if a person DIDN'T choose to
beattracted to members of the same sex?

But what if someone DID choose? Would homosexuality then be unacceptable

to the Politically Correct crowd? Is there no room for "acquired taste?"

Forgive me, but I find the attitude of "they didn't choose to be that way" a bit
condescending -- as if homosexual sex were some sort of aberration, a
distasteful thing to be tolerated, instead of a normal part of the human
experience.

This may come as a shock to some card-carrying liberals, but I do know some
self-identified lesbians on this campus who will tell you that they chose to be
lesbian as a political act. And do you know what? I believe them.

So are they less acceptable than the gay man who says he was "born that
way?" Is the love of these women who choose to love other women less valid
because there was a conscious decision to make women the center of their
lives, instead of men? Whose cause is more P.C.?

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And what of bisexuals, like myself, who started out one way (in my case, gay)
who have made a conscious choice to broaden their sexual horizons to
members of the opposite sex? What of the young "omnisexual" woman whose
primary attraction is to men, but has decided not to limit her options, just in
case a woman she likes comes along?

Is it possible there is more than one kind of homosexuality in the range of

human experience?

It seems to me that these are all questions that go to the very heart of human
sexuality, and the narrow categories we as a culture have tried to put the
broad range of human sexual experience into. But sexuality is
one of those things that just doesn't like to be boxed up into neat little
opposing categories of "straight" and "gay," with "bisexuality" somewhere in
between.

What if Alfred Kinsey was right? What if all human beings are, to one degree or
another, bisexual? What if every one of us has the potential to enjoy being
sexually active either with a member of the opposite sex, or a member of the
same sex?

I suspect this reality may lie behind the intense fear many religious individuals
have surrounding the subject of homosexuality -- why these individuals are so
convinced homosexuality is a choice and a temptation
that most people need to be discouraged from giving in to. I suspect that these
individuals sense deep down that almost anyone could be tempted into this
"sin" ... and enjoy it. Just as most homosexuals could probably be tempted to
have sex with a member of the opposite sex ... and enjoy it.

We see evidence of this in traditional all-male or all-female environments --

ships, prisons, convents -- when members of the opposite sex aren't around,
people turn to members of the same sex for physical affection. These are folks
we wouldn't say are "gay", even though they engage in homosexual sex -- and
even relish in it!

The taboo against homosexual sex is also not universal. Many human cultures
do not have this taboo, and in those cultures, people we would identify as
"heterosexual" occasionally have sex with members of the same sex, and
individuals we would identify as "homosexual" occasionally engage in sex with
members of the opposite sex.

To these cultures, the concepts of "homosexual" and "heterosexual" are alien -

- you just have sex with who you have sex with. And if you prefer one sex over
another, well, so be it.

In fact, "homosexuality" and "heterosexuality" didn't really exist in our own

culture until about a hundred years ago. The word "homosexual" was coined in
the 1890s, and the word "heterosexual" followed soon
after. These were words coined to identify which direction an individual's
sexual preference predominantly went -- but in reality they are artificial social

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constructs that attempt to put human sexuality into neat little categories, and
human sexuality is anything but neat.

That's why the bisexual movement is having such a profound effect on the way
people look at sex and sexual orientation. More and more people are
stepping forward and saying that their sexuality can't fit into one little box or
another. That sexuality is too fluid.

So, what if I choose to develop an "acquired taste" in women ... does that
make my sexuality a little less valid?

Tell others about GSA/GLSEN’s phobia of non-homosexual students

and curriculum under the guise of "heterosexism."
Source: below GLSEN Heterosexism Alert

> Subject: GLSEN SPECIAL HETEROSEXISM ALERT

> *****************************************************
> Calling all students and school staff! Help GLSEN with a new resource on
heterosexism by sharing your thoughts and experiences:

> a.. Is using the school bathroom a daily anxiety because neither "boys" nor
"girls" match your gender identity/expression?

> a.. Do the curriculum guidelines, textbooks and other instructional materials
in your school erase your gay identity and history?

> Most people equate anti-LGBT bias with individual acts of harassment or
discrimination. Equally as damaging, however, are heterosexist school policies
and practices that are not the fault of any one individual or group, but that
give privileges and access to certain people.
>
> Rules and rituals that reinforce heterosexuality and a narrow view of what it
means to be male or female exist for many reasons-- certainly due to overt
prejudice, but also because these systems have long existed and are unseen or
taken for granted by many.
>
> The first step toward undoing "institutionalized heterosexism" in schools is
naming it and then offering alternatives to traditional practices with which
schools have grown too comfortable.
>
> Toward that end, GLSEN is developing a resource that will explore examples
of heterosexism in school practices, and offer concrete strategies for moving
toward greater equality.

> Please write to us and share your thoughts on one or more of the following
questions:

> 1) What are the forms of "institutionalized heterosexism" that bother you
most in your school?
> (This may include prom rituals, athletic traditions, gender-specific

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bathrooms, school curriculum, celebrations of Valentine's Day or
Mothers/Fathers Days, dress codes, course offerings, library holdings, school
forms, or anything else that reinforces heterosexuality as the norm).

> 2) What personal experiences or observations have you had with regard to
institutionalized heterosexism in your school?

Describe specific rules, practices or incidents that you know of and which
illustrate heterosexism.

> 3) What have you or others done to change institutionalized heterosexism?

> Has any particular individual, group or the school leadership taken specific
action to change heterosexist practices?

> Please write to GLSEN's Education Director with your thoughts and/or
questions, and stay tuned for the final resource. Join us for GLSEN's Sixth
Annual TEACHING RESPECT FOR ALL Conference.
> How can you make a difference?
> Take action immediately by logging onto the Safe Schools Action Network.

HETEROSEXUALS VICTIMIZED BY HOMOSEXUALS

By Regina Griggs, Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX )

Heterophobia is on the rise -- just witness the latest episode by homosexual

D.C. council member Jim Graham. Last week Washington Metro board director
and practicing Catholic Robert J. Smith appeared on a local cable show as the
Republican pointman to discuss gay marriage. Smith commented that as a
Roman Catholic he believed homosexual behavior to be "deviant" in
comparison to heterosexual behavior.

"As an openly gay elected official," Graham demanded Smith's resignation

from the transit authority board. Smith refused, explaining that his remarks
had nothing to do with his job and were made in public outside of his job. He
also reiterated his support for Metro's non-discrimination policy and his respect
for differing views on homosexuality. Nonetheless, Maryland Governor Robert
Ehrlich Jr. bowed to Graham and fired Smith because the governor wants
"inclusiveness" and "tolerance."

In the past, Graham has made intolerant and non-inclusive comments about
ex-gays and Catholics, yet unlike Smith, Graham still has his job. For example,
in 2003, when he was a chair of the Metro Board, Graham remarked that he
found PFOX's subway advertisements urging tolerance for ex-gays to be
"offensive" and "deplorable." What if those same remarks had been made
about gays? Do you think Graham would still have his job?

To ensure that PFOX's ex-gay ads would no longer appear in the subway
systems of our nation's capitol, Graham and the Metro Board eliminated free
non-profit ad space which had enabled PFOX and other non-profits to place
ads. Nonetheless, Graham proposed an amendment to extend the deadline for

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free ad space so that two gay activist organizations could take advantage of
the free space.

In addition to his anti-ex-gay comments, Jim Graham has also made anti-
Catholic remarks in his official role as a D.C. councilmember. In 2000, when
the D.C. City Council rejected a "conscience clause" to exempt Catholic
organizations from being forced to purchase health insurance employee plans
that covered artificial birth control, Graham lashed out at the Pope and the
Washington Archdiocese for practicing the Catholic religion.

In a now infamous session of the D.C. council meeting, Graham remarked that
he had "spent years fighting church dogma" and reportedly called the Roman
Catholic church a "homophobic church." Catholic Bishop William Lori said he
viewed the session as "evidence of anti-Catholic bigotry."

We know we're in trouble when homosexual politicians advocate tolerance and

inclusion for their own but cannot respect the views of heterosexuals. Let's
remember that heterosexuals, including ex- gays, are also worthy of respect.

###

Copyright 2006 PFOX www.pfox.org This article may be reproduced in its

entirety without alteration.

Regina Griggs is Executive Director of Parents and Friends of Ex- Gays & Gays
(PFOX), a non-profit organization serving families and the ex-gay community.
Mrs. Griggs has been interviewed by numerous television, radio and print
outlets, including TIME Magazine, the Los Angeles Times, The Washington
Post, and the Washington Times. Media contact: 804-453-4737

The Washington Post

Ex-Gays Have Rights, Too

Saturday, October 18, 2008; page A14

David S. Fishback of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

advocates keeping books that challenge homosexuality out of Fairfax County
Public Schools libraries because he doesn't like what the books say about such
issues as reparative therapy for homosexuality [letter, Oct. 15]. Yet ex-gay
men and women are a fact of life, and trying to keep them out of sight won't
work anymore.

Contrary to Mr. Fishback's claims, no medical or mental health association

prohibits therapy for unwanted same-sex attractions. Indeed, the associations
adhere to a code of ethics that calls for client self-determination of therapy,
whether it be gay-affirming therapy or change therapy.

The ex-gay movement is a civil rights movement to ensure the safety and
inclusion of former homosexuals in all realms of society and to support ex-gay

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people's equal access to schools and other public venues.

Let's move forward toward diversity and not backward into narrow-minded
thinking.

REGINA GRIGGS

Executive Director

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays

Reedville, Va.

African Americans: Same Sexuality & Race

By Dr. Derek Grier

It has been argued that same-sex ‘marriage’ is a civil rights issue akin to the
black struggle for equality. No less a civil rights icon that Jesse Jackson has
denounced that claim, noting that, ‘gays were never called three-fifth human in
the Constitution.”
— Sydney Hunt, Washington Times

“We’ll look back on these people who got married in California as the Rosa
Parks of the gay and lesbian movement.”
—Steve Sanders, U.S. News & World Report

“The Rev. Walter E. Fauntroy, former democratic congressman and the

architect of the 1963 March on Washington, calls same-sex marriage an
‘abomination’ that could destroy society … ‘For most black Americans who
know our history, we do not want further confusion about what a marriage and
a family happen to be.”
— Phuong Ly and Hamil R. Harris, The Washington Post

“Jason West, the mayor of the little Hudson Valley village of New Paltz who
married 25 gay couples last month… doesn’t see a difference between the gay
rights movement and the civil rights movement, or any other movement, for
that matter.”
— Robert Sullivan, The New York Times Magazine

“The Congress of Racial Equality has fought against invidious discrimination

and prejudice for over 60 years. We take it very seriously… Lifestyles changes
and choices are not the moral equivalent of racial, religious and ethnic
protection. While I will fight for the individual right of any one of any particular
lifestyle, I will not equate and elevate it to the same moral high ground that we
had in the civil rights movement in the 50’s and 60’s. Sexual orientation is not
on the same moral high ground as race…”
— Roy Innis, Congress of Racial Equality

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“When small-town mayor Jason West started presiding over gay weddings, he
saw it as nothing short of ‘the flowering of the largest civil rights movement
the country’s had in a generation’ ‘The people who forbid gays from marrying
in this country are those who would have made Rosa Parks sit in the back of
the bus’ said the Green Party mayor of New Paltz, N.Y.”
— Allen G. Breed, Associated Press

More than 20 million human beings lay bloody from resistance, bruised by
chains, fevered from lying in their own excrement. They were carried over the
ocean in the shadowy hulls of slave ships. The air was thick with disease and
the crew took turns with the young girls. Tens of millions died. Their bodies
were beaten and identifies erased. This was the price of the one-way ticket
Africans paid to arrive in the New World.

Chattel slavery lasted for hundreds of years in the Americas. Mothers were
routinely sold away from their children. Slaves were worked to exhaustion in
the heat of the hotter months and were shoeless, shirtless and hungry during
the winter. Eventually, slavery was transformed into another, equally dark
form of oppression – Jim Crow, and American apartheid thrived for another
100 years. Until the dawn of the civil rights movement, African Americans were
denied not only social equality, but political and economic equality as well. The
monumental challenge of the civil rights movement to overcome racism does
not even come close to characterizing the homosexual movement in the United
States today. It is a glaring minimization of African American history to liken
the two struggles.

Today pundits conveniently link racial identity with sexual desires. Many such
commentators purport to be supporters of the African American community.
However, if they really understood the average African American and were
trying to champion our cause, they would not be so surprised by the pained
looks on our faces when we hear them discuss the issue. We ask ourselves,
“Where were the water hoses, attack dogs and midnight rides to terrorize the
marriage registrants in Massachusetts and San Francisco?”

A few weeks ago, my six-year-old son read the autobiography of Jackie

Robinson and asked me, “Why was he treated so badly?” If I had left it to our
news programs to give my child the answer, he would have concluded that
being black is much like being a homosexual. To equate his brown, handsome
skin color with homosexuality is not only insensitive; it ignores the deep racism
and self-hate that is so imbedded in our national psyche.

Proponents of the homosexual lifestyle argue that as race is merely a

byproduct of inherited genes, so is homosexuality. The weakness of this
position is that people of color reproduce and pass on the DNA that makes the
skin brown; however, homosexuals cannot reproduce. If homosexuality is a
genetic trait and homosexuals were true to their orientation, the trait would die
in the first generation. Nature does not perpetuate homosexuality.

The only way homosexuality could be passed on genetically is through

bisexuality. This really muddies the water, because it indicates that the
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homosexual has the capacity to choose between male or female sexual
partners. If this is the case, our sexuality is less a matter of biology but more
an issue of personal choice.

Sexual response is a deep mysterious union of the mind, body, will, and
emotions. The difficulty with equating race with sexuality is that if I lose the
use of my mind, body, will or emotions, I would still have brown skin. I know
of former homosexuals but not any former African Americans. The color of my
skin was an inevitable consequence of the combination of my mother and
father’s DNA. It is an immutable fact and not something I chose.

This concept of “immutability” was the very foundation that the civil rights
movement was built. My forbearers successfully argued that it was
discriminatory and immoral to limit the rights of anyone based on things they
could not change. Sex is not a biological trait but a deed. It should not share
the same status as ethnicity. Homosexuals already have the right to have
intercourse, and I am not opposing this right between consenting adults.
However, in the homosexual marriage movement, they have moved beyond
asking for tolerance and are demanding a national endorsement.

Many hold the philosophy that we should avoid “legislating morality.” This
sounds attractive until we consider the consequences. It is the purpose of
government to create laws. Every law declares one behavior right and another
wrong. The making of laws is nothing less than values-based morality. For
many years, I resented the Christian church for not using its influence more
widely to stop slavery and segregation. In other words, I felt that a person’s
religious belief should not only influence their personal lives, but their votes. I
think Dr. King said it best: “It may be true that the law cannot make a man
love me. But it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that’s pretty
important.” Morality always has and always will be legislated.

The real issue is not whether morality should be legislated, but whose morality
will be legislated. Should certain people be locked out of a debate simply
because they have faith? Are others more credible because they are considered
secular? The best answer to a bad idea is a better idea, and it should not
matter who it comes from. I happen to be an Independent, but this is neither
an Independent, Republican, nor Democratic Party issue, it is an American
issue. Considering the current crisis of the American family and, in particular,
the African American family, gay marriage would only compound our problems.
Studies show that children develop best in homes that have both a mother and
father. Let’s not continue to lower the bar by confusing homosexuality and
race. Our children are at risk.

According to the Omega Journal, a leading publication on death and dying, the
median age of death for a homosexual man without AIDS And With a long-
term sexual partner is only 41 years of age. The median age of death of
heterosexual married men is 75 years. The average age for a married, African
American male is 69 years. Given these statistics, this is not only a moral
issue, but an emerging public-health crisis. Passing laws that would
institutionalize a lifestyle that could cut the lives of our young men by nearly a
152
third is unthinkable. Let your voice be heard by contacting your local
congressperson and letting him/her know how sacred marriage is to you. “The
only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing.”

Dr. Derek Grier is the founding pastor of Grace Christian Church in

Woodbridge, Virginia. He serves on several boards and has recently served as
president of the Eastern Prince William Ministerial Association in Northern
Virginia. Dr. Grier has appeared on numerous radio and television programs
and has traveled extensively around the world as a gifted speaker.

Am I Anti-Gay?
By Robert Epstein -- Publication Date: Jan/Feb 2003

Summary: You be the judge. A letter from the editor in chief of

Psychology Today magazine:

Ever since I was a teenager, people have occasionally called me gay, perhaps
because I fit some gay stereotypes: I'm an ectomorph (fairly thin), I fuss over
my appearance and I often wear a motorcycle jacket (because I ride a
motorcycle!). I've always considered the label a compliment because some of
the most intelligent, sensitive and creative people I've known over the years
have been gay or lesbian, including a former fiancée (long story), the producer
of my radio show and a dear cousin.

On the other hand, it's no fun being associated with a despised minority.
Surveys indicate that as much as 70 percent of the American public is
"homophobic." That misnomer suggests that people fear homosexuals; a more
appropriate term would be homomisic, from the Greek term misos ("hatred"),
since many Americans actually hate gays.

Many consider homosexuality to be immoral because of strong language in the

Bible prohibiting males from "lying with" males (especially Leviticus 18:22 and
20:13 and Romans 1:26-27). But many Biblical prohibitions (e.g., against
intercourse during menstruation or against masturbation) are ignored by
modern culture, so it's clear that we can set aside the moral objections against
homosexuality when we choose to do so. In the Netherlands, a Christian
country, less than 20 percent of the public is anti-gay. Religious objections to
homosexuality can, it seems, be overcome.

Others consider homosexuality to be unnatural, and they're simply wrong.

Homosexual behavior has existed throughout human history; it exists
throughout the animal kingdom; and it exists in every culture on earth-even in
those that punish such behavior by death. The evidence is overwhelming that
homosexual behavior is at least partially genetic in origin. More than 6 percent
of male sheep, for example, are exclusively homosexual, and a 1996 study
showed that homosexual behavior in fruit flies can be deliberately engineered
by genetic manipulation. More to the point, concordance studies with humans
suggest that male homosexuality is roughly 50 percent genetic in origin
(compared with 5 percent for weight and 84 percent for height).

153
I bring these matters to your attention because of a threatening phone call I
received a few weeks ago from a fellow psychologist. On page 78 of our last
issue, PT ran a small ad for a book called A Parent's Guide to Preventing
Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., and his wife Linda.

Nicolosi is a psychologist who specializes in trying to help unhappy gays

become straight. Apparently feeling that this rather modest contribution to the
literature on homosexuality wasn't getting enough attention, the psychologist,
who identified herself as a lesbian activist, called me at home on a Saturday to
tell me that PT should not have run such a heinous ad, that she was speaking
for "thousands" of gays who were going to boycott PT, "and worse," that Dr.
Nicolosi was a "bigot," that no gay person had ever successfully become
straight, that homosexuality was entirely determined by genes, and that
sexual conversion therapy had been condemned by the American Psychological
Association. I told her that the editorial department at PT has no connection
whatsoever with the advertising department, but she was unimpressed. She
subsequently posted messages on the Internet urging people to harrass me at
home (no one else ever did) and to send me complaint letters.

In all, I received about 120 letters, many of which exemplified a bad game of
Telephone: Some people complained about an anti-gay "article" PT had
published; others referred to an anti-gay book I had published and people who
weren't subscribers said they were dropping their subscriptions. Several
writers suggested I was a "Nazi" and a "bigot," and one compared me with the
Taliban. A surprising number of letters asserted that gays have a right to be
rude or abusive because they themselves have been abused. Most echoed the
same points that my caller had made.

But my caller was way off base on key points. The APA has never condemned
sexual conversion therapy but has merely issued cautionary statements, one of
which reminds psychologists of their obligation to "respect the rights of others
to hold values, attitudes and opinions that differ from [their] own"-an
obligation from which my caller clearly feels exempt. Although homosexuality
was removed from the DSM-the diagnostic manual used by therapists-as a
mental disorder in 1973, all editions of the DSM have always listed a disorder
characterized by "distress" over one's sexual orientation (DSM section 302.9).
Both gays and straights have a right to seek treatment when they're unhappy
with their sexual orientation, and some choose to try to change that
orientation. It would be absurd to assert that only heterosexuals should have
that right.

Can gays change? Some people who wrote to me insisted that "orientation" is
immutable, but behavior is certainly not, and it's common for people to ask
therapists to help them suppress a wide variety of tendencies with possible
genetic bases: compulsive shopping and gambling, drinking, drug use,
aggressiveness, urges to have too much sex or sex with children and so on. A
2002 research review by Warren Throckmorton, Ph.D., published in an APA
journal, suggests that sexual conversion therapy is at least sometimes
successful. From this and other sources I've checked, I'd guess that such
therapy is probably successful about a third of the time and that in perhaps
154
another third of the cases, clients are unhappy or even angry about their
failure to change.

These figures might sound discouraging, but there are certainly many
examples of clinical problems that resist change (e.g., agoraphobia and
autism) or that produce angry outcomes after therapy (e.g., couples
counseling or treatment for sexual abuse). Of greater importance is a new
study by Robert Spitzer, M.D., of Columbia University, the man who headed
the committee responsible for removing "homosexuality" from the DSM in
1973. After surveying 200 people who had remained "ex-gay" for at least five
years-and even though he has been under tremendous pressure by gay
activists to repudiate his findings-Spitzer has concluded that sexual conversion
therapy can produce significant, positive and lasting changes.

Regarding Dr. Nicolosi and A Parent's Guide... : The book itself is surprisingly
tame. It notes, for example, that children who might be headed toward
homosexuality "should not be forced into a predetermined mold," that sexual
orientation can only be modified "to some extent," that there is no "guarantee"
that a child will grow up to be heterosexual and that homosexuality has
"biological influences."

On the down side, the authors attribute virtually all male homosexuality to
poor father-son relationships, failing to present any hard data to support their
assertion and ignoring the possibility that fathers avoid effeminate sons-in
other words, that homosexual tendencies cause bad father-son relations and
not vice versa. The authors also make the naive assertion that because we all
come equipped with sex organs, we were "designed" for heterosexuality. Tell
that to the male sheep. Dr. Nicolosi has also made, in my view, intemperate
and irresponsible public comments about homosexuality, and he does not deny
having made them.

Ironically, in addition to receiving threats and insults from gay activists, I have
also received brutal letters from readers who objected to my sympathetic
answer to a question about homosexuality in my column, "Ask Dr. E," on page
86 of the same issue that carried the ad for the Nicolosi book. A lot of people,
it seems, hate me no matter what I say, or don't say, on this issue. (To be fair
and factual, I also received a few crossover letters: Some gays expressed
strong support for PT's right to carry the ad, condemning censorship in any
form.)

Psychology Today reviewed the sexual conversion issue in 1999, but it's clearly
time to do so again. Two new books are out on the subject, two others will be
out any day now, and the Spitzer data will soon be in print. So stay tuned;
we'll soon offer an objective, comprehensive look at the ex-gay issue and will
also give the factions space to vent.

By the way, in spite of the fact that I've now been introduced to a dark,
intolerant, abusive side of the gay community, I will continue to be a strong
advocate for gay and lesbian causes, to champion the individual's right to self-

155
determination, and to condemn any attempts by anyone to suppress the truth.
So, am I anti-gay?

Robert Epstein is editor in chief of Psychology Today, university research

professor at the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant
International University, and director emeritus of the Cambridge Center for
Behavioral Studies. He earned his Ph.D. in psychology at Harvard University.

Court Rules That ‘Sexual Orientation’ Laws Include Former

Homosexuals

August 25, 2009

Contact: Regina Griggs, Executive Director, Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays &
Gays (PFOX), 804-453-4737, PFOX@pfox.org

Washington, D.C. – In a precedent setting case, the Superior Court of the

District of Columbia has ruled that former homosexuals are a protected class
that must be recognized under sexual orientation non-discrimination laws. The
Court held that, under the D.C. Human Rights Act, sexual orientation does not
require immutable characteristics.

“We are gratified that the ex-gay community in Washington D.C. now has the
same civil rights that gays enjoy,” said Regina Griggs, executive director of
Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX), which had filed the lawsuit
against the District of Columbia government for failing to protect former
homosexuals in the Nation’s Capital.

In a discrimination complaint filed by PFOX against the National Education

Association (NEA) for refusing to provide public accommodations to ex-gays,
the D.C. Office of Human Rights (OHR) had agreed with the NEA that sexual
orientation protection did not extend to former homosexuals. “By failing to
protect former homosexuals, the sexual orientation laws gave more rights to
homosexuals than heterosexuals who were once gay,” said Griggs. “So PFOX
asked the Court to reverse OHR’s decision, which it did. The Court held that
ex-gays are a protected class under ‘sexual orientation.’”

“All sexual orientation laws and programs nationwide should now provide true
diversity and equality by including former homosexuals,” said Greg Quinlan, a
director of PFOX. “I have experienced more personal assaults as a former
homosexual than I ever did as a gay man.”

“PFOX calls on the NEA to add ex-gays to its sexual orientation resolutions
which favor gays, bisexuals, and transgenders while denying equality to former
homosexuals,” said Griggs. “The NEA must also stop its bias against the NEA
Ex-Gay Educators Caucus by appointing an ex-gay caucus member to the NEA
Sexual Orientation Committee. This committee is staffed with members of the
NEA’s gay and transgender caucus, although the ex-gay caucus has asked for
inclusion.”

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The NEA successfully argued before the Court that it was not guilty of sexual
orientation discrimination because its gay caucus would have protested the
presence of PFOX’s ex-gay exhibit at the NEA’s annual conference. “Gay
activists demand equality while denying it to others,” said Griggs.

###

PFOX leads the nation in providing outreach and public awareness in support of
families and the ex-gay community.

Equal Access

Attention STUDENTS and GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES:

Is your workplace, government agency or public school holding a gay

pride/diversity/tolerance event of some kind? If so, would you request that
they also include an ex-gay speaker or hold an ex-gay event? If they hold a
gay event or speaker, then they must also provide equal access to other
sexual orientations, including ex-gays. PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays &
Gays) will help you by providing speakers and informative handouts for the ex-
gay event. Contact PFOX at pfox@pfox.org

At a time when former homosexuals and lesbians are facing increasing

intolerance, ex-gay presentations are more important than ever for others to
recognize and appreciate the ex-gay community. Equal access to public
facilities by ex-gays supports sexual orientation diversity and tolerance. Ask
your workplace, agency or public school to sponsor an ex-gay event or speaker
today!

Ex-gay speakers are available for private or public speaking engagements in

any setting, both secular and religious settings, including churches, youth
groups, diversity events, multi-cultural forums, sexual orientation
presentations, anti-discrimination forums, etc.

Ask your agency or school to sponsor an ex-gay event or speaker today!

"This is not just a conservative issue. Liberals, too, believe in human rights.
This is a broader human rights issue, because people have a choice - to stay in
homosexuality, or to change."

— Arthur Goldberg of JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives to

Homosexuality)

March 11, 2010

Greg Quinlan
Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX)
513-435-1125 PFOX@pfox.org

157
Ex-Gay Addresses Disney Board of Directors

Questions gay lobby for rejecting equality for ex-gays

San Antonio, TX – Greg Quinlan of Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays
(PFOX) addressed the corporate directors of the Walt Disney Company at its
annual shareholders meeting and asked them to approve a resolution to
include ex-gays in Disney’s mandatory diversity training for employees.

“Disney’s diversity training emphasizes gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and

transgenders, but fails to include ex-gays,” explained Quinlan. “Ex-gays remain
closeted because they are not protected by diversity policies and are subject to
open disapproval. Employees who support the ex-gay community are also not
welcome to express their views.”

In response to the resolution asking for inclusion and diversity for the ex-gay
community, Daryl Herrschaft, director of the workplace project at the Human
Rights Campaign Foundation, was quoted by Daily Finance as saying that the
resolution is “wrongheaded.” The Human Rights Campaign, known as HRC, is
the nation’s largest gay rights organization advocating for gay equality.

“How can HRC demand gay equality when it refuses to extend equality to
others?” asked Quinlan. “HRC demands that gays and transgenders be
included in diversity policies, but belittles ex-gays who ask for the same rights
that gays and transgenders currently enjoy. HRC insists that men can change
their gender to become the opposite sex, but refuses to acknowledge that men
like me can change our sexual orientation from gay to straight.”

Every year the HRC Foundation issues a Corporate Equality Index which rates
American companies on their equal treatment of gays, bisexuals, and
transgenders. HRC gave Disney a 100 rating, its highest score. HRC rated
Disney on its corporate nondiscrimination policy, diversity training, benefits,
employee resource group and diversity council, advertising to gays,
sponsorship of gay community events or organizations, and for not engaging in
action that would undermine gay and transgender equality.

“Is it a conflict of interest for any corporation in this country to donate money
or other form of support to HRC, which then rates those same corporations on
corporate equality?” asked Quinlan in his speech to the Disney Board of
Directors.

“Disney, your equality index score is -0- for ex-gays and their supporters. You
should treat former homosexuals with the same respect and benefits you give
to gays and transgenders.”

“This week HRC is celebrating the first gay marriages in Washington DC, our
nation’s capital. As gay couples in DC lined up to apply for marriage licenses,
they wore HRC victory buttons. But there is one victory in Washington DC that
HRC did not celebrate. And that is the judicial decision issued by the DC
Superior Court last year, in a case brought by PFOX. The Court ruled that ex-

158
gays are a legally protected class under sexual orientation and therefore
specifically protected from discrimination under the D.C. Human Rights Act.”

“PFOX calls on HRC to issue public statements condemning hatred and

discrimination against the ex-gay community. Human rights demand no less.”

The Disney resolution needed a vote of 3% to pass for inclusion at next year’s
meeting, and received approximately 2%. Quinlan is gratified by the support
he received from shareholders present at the meeting. “Shareholders
applauded, shook my hand and said it was about time this happened,” said
Quinlan.

###

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) leads the nation in providing
outreach, education, and public awareness in support of families and the ex-
gay community.

First ex-gay legislation

Media Advisory April 11, 2005

Ex-Gay Legislation Introduced in Hate Crimes Bill

From: Regina Griggs, Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) Executive
Director, 804-453-4737, pfox@pfox.org

Annapolis MD – Many thanks to Maryland state senator Alex Mooney for

introducing an amendment to include "former homosexuals" to the Maryland
sexual orientation hate crimes bill. Sen. Mooney's speech to the senate can be
heard at http://mlis.state.md.us/asp/listen.asp Under "Listen to Prior Senate
Proceedings," select Wednesday, April 6, Session #2 and when the audio
comes on, fast forward to 1 hour and 22 minutes (1:22) to hear the ex-gay
speech. PFOX believes this is the first time ex-gay legislation has been
introduced anywhere in the country.

Although the ex-gay amendment was rejected by a vote of 15 - 28, it alerted

the Maryland State Senate to the intolerance ex-gays face in Maryland. For
example, the PFOX representative on the Family Life Committee of the
Montgomery County Maryland Board of Education had her ex-gay materials
rejected by the Committee.

Instead, the Committee and the Montgomery County, Maryland Board of

Education approved materials published by gay activist organizations as school
resources, even though some of these gay materials contain hateful claims
about ex-gays. This was not considered "hate speech" because the hate was
directed against ex-gays and not against gays.

Last year PFOX’s ex-gay billboard in Rockville Maryland was interpreted as

“hate” against gays by lesbian protestors and Equality Maryland, a gay rights
organization.
159
The Prince George’s Sentinel, a Maryland newspaper, refuses to accept PFOX
news releases because it considers ex-gay press releases to be “hate mail.”

The list is endless because every day brings new hostile acts against the ex-
gay community under the justification of fighting “hate” against homosexuals.
In this climate of intolerance against ex-gays due to their very existence,
support for the ex-gay community is interpreted as bigotry against
homosexuals.

Claims of hate based on sexual orientation should not be used to silence the
ex-gay community and their supporters. Nor should sexual orientation hate
crime laws be misused to legitimize intolerance against ex-gays. To give sexual
orientation protection to one group while excluding another is discriminatory.

Gays Attack African-American for Coming Out of Homosexuality

News Advisory: October 26, 2007

Contact: Regina Griggs, Director, Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays
(PFOX)
804-453-4737 PFOX@pfox.org www.pfox.org

Gay Groups Attack African-American for Coming Out of Homosexuality

Ex-Gay Organization Calls for Gay Activists to Stop Promoting Hatred

Against Former Homosexuals in Obama Presidential Campaign

Washington DC -- Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) has called on
gay activists to end their attacks against Donnie McClurkin, an African-
American gospel singer and former homosexual. Mr. McClurkin is a Grammy
Award winner who is using his singing voice to participate in gospel concerts to
raise funds for Sen. Barack Obama’s presidential campaign. Some gay activists
are demanding that Sen. Obama drop McClurkin from the singing tour.

“Ex-gays have the same right to participate in the political process as other
Americans and should not have to endure this type of abuse because they
chose to leave homosexuality,” said Regina Griggs, PFOX executive director.
“Gay rights groups demand hate crimes laws and sexual orientation non-
discrimination legislation, but would deny the same protection to ex-gays who
want full inclusion in society at the same level that gays currently enjoy.”

“This irrational behavior towards those who have overcome unwanted same-
sex attractions perpetuates misunderstanding and harm against ex-gays. It
also demonstrates a disregard for diversity and a refusal to respect a basic
human right to dignity and self-determination,” said Griggs.

“It is ironic that gay activists, who used the African-American civil rights
movement to win their own homosexual rights, have turned against African-
Americans who no longer want to engage in homosexuality,” said Griggs.

“Yet many in the African-American community, especially Black churches,

160
support the ex-gay community. PFOX has spoken at Black churches and
exhibited at African-American conferences, including the NAACP and
Congressional Black Caucus. The support PFOX has received from the African-
American community is tremendous.”

PFOX urges gay organizations to show the same kind of compassion and
acceptance of ex-gays that African-Americans have shown. “Gay groups must
stop promoting discrimination against former homosexuals,” said Griggs. “Gay
activists cannot claim sympathy as victims when they victimize others.”

###

PFOX leads the nation in providing outreach, education, and public awareness
in support of families and the ex-gay community. They can be reached via
their website at www.pfox.org

HUMAN RIGHTS CAMPAIGN (HRC) HATES EX-GAYS

The intolerance against gay men and women who choose sexual reorientation
is sheer
heterophobia. Ridicule and contempt towards ex-gays help to perpetuate a
climate of fear and
misunderstanding against men and women who have overcome unwanted
same sex attractions. We
should have the freedom to seek alternatives to homosexuality without fear of
harassment or
discrimination. Anything less demonstrates a disregard for diversity and a
refusal to respect a basic
human right to dignity and self-determination.

The Washington DC-based Human Rights Campaign (HRC), a gay rights

organization, has a long
history of attacking the ex-gay community with its “anything but straight”
dogma. Indeed, HRC
once demanded that a contributor (AOL’s Mrs. Steve Case) reconsider her
sizeable donation to a
children’s school merely because it had indirect ties to an ex-gay ministry. In
their own words, the
following is an exchange of emails between HRC official Wayne Besen and ex-
gay Greg Quinlan:

> Pro-Family Network

> Attn: Mr. Greg Quinlan
> P.O. Box 751643
> Dayton, OH 45475-1643
>
> Dear Mr. Quinlan,
>
> In a story published yesterday in Capitolgate Statehouse Reporter you
_ were referred to as a "former gay lobbyist for the Human Rights
161
Campaign."
_
> Please specify, for the record, what was the nature of your employment
with HRC, and what years you were on our staff. We would appreciate an
answer as soon as possible and look forward to an explanation of your
alleged tenure with our organization.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Wayne R. Besen
_ Associate Director of Communications
Human Rights Campaign (HRC)
_______________________________________________
-----Original Message-----
From: pfn@profamilynetwork.org
To: Wayne Besen; OH Regina Griggs
Subject: Re: Greg Quinlan
Importance: High

Dear Mr. Besen,

The article is a tabloid piece. The "story" is more opinion and
editorial by the writer than what really happened.

I am sending you the testimony I gave before the Civil and Commercial
Law Committee. In it I neither stated or implied that I was employed
with HRCF; as it was called back then. I was however VERY active with
the organization in the late 80's and early nineties. Timothy McFeeley
was the E.D. I became involved just as Vic Basile was leaving. I knew
Randy Klouse well.

"For the record" that should give you enough homework.

By the way, last May you and I appeared together on MSNBC regarding the
Dr. Spitzer (ex-gay) Study. I am curious however, what qualifies you as an
alleged "Associate Director of Communications."

I will be in the DC area visiting with (PFOX Director) Regina Griggs, I

believe the two of you have met. If you would like to talk with me about
alleged anything I will have my cell phone.

Sincerely,
Gregory Quinlan
President
Pro-Family Network

----- Original Message -----

From: "Wayne Besen"
To: <pfn@profamilynetwork.org>; "OH Regina Griggs"
Subject: RE: Greg Quinlan

162
Sorry, I don't think I'll need to be contacting you.
Having seen you on television, it is obvious by your demeanor that you
haven't changed. I suggest Regina take you back to "ex-gay" school and
have you participate in the "ex-gay" football games a bit more. It is
obvious you missed that session and need some more work in that arena.
Besides, from what I've heard through the grapevine, I'm banking on running
into
you at the gay bars while your here anyway. We'll catch up then.

-----Original Message-----
From: Pro Family Network
To: Wayne Besen; OH Regina Griggs;
Subject: Re: Greg Quinlan

Don't worry Wayne, I'm not sorry!

Football is too violent I don't play or watch it. I don't "drink" so a bar,
gay or straight is not where you would find me. Perhaps you should find
another
bank. By the way, what would we catch up on?

When you were on MSNBC you failed miserably in your attempts to justify your
existence as a homosexual. My demeanor was just fine. You are just not
accustomed to having your attitude dished back to you.

Really Wayne when I was active with HRCF it was a much more professional
organization and did not practice overt lying. You have missed the mark as an
assistant communications director. You should rethink your approach to better
serve your employer.

I am not being mean here or spewing venom like you have Wayne, just giving
you good practical advice.
Gregory Quinlan
_____________________________________
Wayne Besen wrote:

I failed? Everyone I know laughed hysterically when they saw you - especially
my straight friends. They said you made Richard Simmons look butch. If you
can't
change your demeanor on the outside, how on earth do you expect normal
people to
think you changed your sexual orientation on the inside? Until you butch up,
Mary, you simply are going to remain a sad joke with absolutely no credibility.
I'm amazed Exodus allows you to be used as a spokesperson. You certainly
don't
appear "ex-gay". You are more like a drag queen, out of drag.

----- Original Message -----

From: Pro Family Network
To: Wayne Besen
163
Subject: Re: Greg Quinlan

The only thing hysterical is you Wayne. Get your facts "straight." I am not a
spokesman for Exodus. I am not involved with Exodus. Again you failed. You
did
so completely wreck your appearance on MSNBC, that (HRC Director) Elizabeth
Birch was repairing the damage on Chris Matthews the same day. Your violent
anti-Christian bigotry was so evident that Birch had to clean up after you and
say how HRC does not hate people for their religious beliefs.

That is how you came across. After all you stated that the Dr. Spitzer (ex-gay)
study had the Religious Right's fingerprints all over it. How is that possible
when the study was from an avowed atheistic Jew, done at a secular
university?

Your lack of self-control and professionalism is clearly evident in this, your

shallow, immature "nellie" tirade. I often have people tell me they never would
have guessed I was ever Gay because I do not act like it. That is what offends
you most isn't it Wayne.

You can get help Wayne. I have to stress again that you are not serving HRC
well. This e-mail is substantial evidence of that fact.
Gregory Quinlan

Note: There is NO such thing as a PFOX ex-gay school or football games.

PFOX Fighting Heterophobia

Published Letters to the Editor

Curriculum ignores ex-gays

Wednesday, Jan. 17, 2007

Montgomery County’s new sex education lessons are entitled ‘‘Respect for
Differences in Human Sexuality” and promote acceptance for homosexuals,
transgenders and the intersexed. Yet the only sexual orientation in the school
system that receives no respect are ex-gays.

The lessons also teach children about bisexuals, lesbians, ‘‘coming out” for
gays, ‘‘gender identity,” ‘‘homophobia,” and intersexual, but nothing about the
ex-gay community.

As one of the organizations serving on the curriculum committee, we

requested the school board to include former homosexuals, but they refused.
Evidently, the new curriculum favors homosexuals and cross-dressers over ex-
gays.

Regina Griggs, Reedville, Va.

The writer is affiliated with Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays.
http://www.gazette.net/stories/011707/montope164455_31991.shtml

164
Dear Editor,

Jim Kennedy’s phobic statements against the ex-gay community are proof of
why the public school system must include former homosexuals in its sexual
orientation and tolerance curriculum.

In the article, ‘‘Gay conversion conference criticized,” Mr. Kennedy, as

president of Teach the Facts, states that the ex-gay community is a cruel hoax.
The fact that he sits on the curriculum committee makes us question the
school board’s judgment in appointing a biased and discriminatory group to
draft school lessons on sexual orientation.

Contrary to Mr. Kennedy’s assertions that former homosexuals do not exist,

the ex-gay community can attest to the fact that thousands of men and
women with same sex attractions have made the personal decision to leave
homosexuality.

Because people like Mr. Kennedy refuse to respect that decision, ex-gays are
subject to an increasingly hostile environment where we are reviled simply
because we dare to exist. This is exactly why the sex education curriculum
must include ex-gays — to combat intolerance against people who are different
from Mr. Kennedy.

Contempt of those who have resolved unwanted same sex attractions

perpetuates misunderstanding and harm against the ex-gay community. It also
demonstrates a disregard for diversity and a refusal to respect a basic human
right to dignity and self-determination. Please remember that former
homosexuals are also worthy of respect.

Regina Griggs, Reedville, Va.

The writer is executive director of Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays.

http://www.gazette.net/stories/061406/montope174153_31944.shtml

PFOX explains reason for lawsuit

May 27, 2005

The May 11 article, "Residents lash sex Ed ruling, opposition group," alleges
that Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays (PFOX) retained the services of
Liberty Counsel to file the sex ed lawsuit against the Montgomery County
school board and that much of the legal brief argued PFOX's side of the case.

We are guilty as charged.

PFOX was on the Curriculum Advisory Committee that drafted the sex ed
program. The CAC approved teacher resources that recommended gay-
affirming religions and organizations such as Rainbow Baptists, yet rejected
one brochure PFOX submitted because it listed the Web sites of a few ex-gay
ministries.

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PFOX submitted ex-gay resources that were rejected in favor of gay resources.

The CAC approved materials published by gay advocacy groups that positively
portray homosexuals while making negative references to ex-gays by
attempting to discredit our experiences and choices. So where's the tolerance?

The CAC approved a Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
(PFLAG) resource, but rejected our PFOX resources.

In the curriculum's explanation of sexual orientation, the CAC included the

terms for homosexual, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, questioning, intersexed
and coming out, but refused to insert ex-gay. So where's the diversity?

In a Nov. 1 letter to Superintendent Jerry Weast and the school board, we

detailed our objections to the proposed sex-ed program and warned that its
implementation could trigger a lawsuit. The board approved the program over
PFOX's objections. Consequently, PFOX obtained the services of Liberty
Counsel to preserve our constitutional rights. The judge rightly ruled in our
favor and against a biased and one-sided presentation of sexual orientation.

Regina Griggs, Reedville, Va.

The writer is executive director of PFOX
http://www.gazette.net/gazette_archive/2005b/200521/montgomerycty/letter
s/276387-1.html

Debate surrounding gay lifestyles continues

Friday, April 14, 2006

In his letter (‘‘Accept each other,” April 7 Gazette of Business and Politics),
Mike Bernard denigrates ex-gays while asking the public to accept people
regardless of their sexual orientation. Perhaps he should heed his own advice
and accept the ex-gay community.

Contrary to Mr. Bernard’s assertions that former homosexuals do not exist, the
ex-gay community can attest to the fact that thousands of men and women
with same-sex attractions have made the personal decision to leave
homosexuality. Because people like Mr. Bernard refuse to respect that
decision, ex-gays are subject to an increasingly hostile environment where we
are reviled simply because we dare to exist.

Contempt of those who have resolved unwanted same-sex attractions

perpetuates misunderstanding and harm against the ex-gay community. It also
demonstrates a disregard for diversity and a refusal to respect a basic human
right to dignity and self-determination. We now need to face the other side of
sexual orientation — intolerance of ex-gays.

Regina Griggs, Reedville, Va.

The writer is executive director of Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays.
http://www.gazette.net/stories/041406/policom153913_31945.shtml

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Putting Adolescents at Risk

by Dale O’Leary

Males who self-identify as “gay” before age 18 are highly likely to have been
victims of sexual abuse and/or to suffer from untreated Gender Identity
Disorder (GID). This puts them at high risk for a number of negative
outcomes. When these problems are untreated, the boys often act out in ways
that draw negative attention to themselves. The strict restriction of bullying
and other mistreatment by fellow students is, of course, important, but it is
equally important to address the underlying problems. Even if an adolescent
boy does not suffer from sexual abuse or GID, sexual activity combined with
the predictable adolescent irresponsibility carries a high risk.

A study by Lemp and associates of sexual risk behaviors of young (ages 17-22)
men who have sex with men found that 22% reported beginning anal sex with
men when they were ages 3 to 14, of these 15.2% were already HIV-positive.
Of those who began sex when they were 15-19, 11.6% were HIV positive.
While of those who began sex with men when they were 20-22 only 3.8% were
HIV positive. It is clear that every year a male with SSA delays sexual
involvement reduces his risk of HIV.

The hope that identifying boys with same-sex attraction (SSA) and providing
them with HIV prevention education will reduce the risk of infection is not
supported by the research. According to a review of studies of HIV prevention
programs, “the efficacy of health education interventions in reducing sexual
risk for HIV infection has not been consistently demonstrated…More education,
over long periods of time, cannot be assumed to be effective in inducing
behavior changes among chronically high risk men.” (Stall, 1988) Although
AIDS among MSM (men having sex with men) is no longer making headlines,
the epidemic has not subsided. Of particular concern is the wide spread use of
Crystal Meth in combination with unprotected sex (barebacking). (Halkitis
2005; Wainberg, 2006)

The Lemp study also found that of the 425 homosexuals males, ages 17 to 22,
they surveyed, 41.4% reported an occasion of forced sex. (Lemp 1994) These
young men would probably qualify as victims of sexual abuse. Another study of
196 homosexually active men found that 29% reported that they had been
pressured at least once into having sex. Of those pressured 97% said that one
or more of these experiences involved unprotected anal intercourse, an HIV
risk. (Kalichman 1995)

The study by Osmond also found evidence of sexual child abuse: "some of
these subjects reported that they had first engaged in regular sex with a male
when they were as few as 4 years old."(Osmond 1994) The Remafedi study of
the sexual behavior of 239 homosexually active boys 13 to 21 found that 42%
had a history of sexual abuse/assault. (Remafedi 1994)

Sexual child abuse and sexual assault have been linked to lifelong
psychological problems, including depression, sexual addiction, drug addiction,
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involvement in prostitution, and suicidal feelings. Those promoting in-school
support groups for students who think they may be homosexual frequently
point to the multitude of problems among adolescents with SSA. Sexual child
abuse and sexual assault must be considered as possible causes.

AIDS education, which provides children and adolescents with explicit

information about various forms of sexual behavior that spread the disease,
may create curiosity and encourage experimentation among young men. AIDS
education has also been used as a vehicle for promoting positive attitudes
toward homosexuality and it is possible that the number of young men
experimenting with homosexuality will increase. As support groups in schools
for boys who think that they might be homosexual are being set up, these
boys will be encouraged to "come out." This "coming out" will probably include
engaging in sexual activity at an earlier age and more often. These young men
may also become part of the urban homosexual community, traveling to
centers of homosexual activity where they are likely to encounter HIV-positive
adults interested in engaging in sexual activity with attractive teenagers.

The following is the conclusion of a study of the association of health risk

behaviors and sexual orientation: “GLB youth who self-identify during high
school report disproportionate risk for a variety of health risk and problem
behaviors, including suicide, victimization, sexual risk behaviors, and multiple
substance abuse use. In addition, these youth are more likely to report
engaging in multiple risk behaviors and initiating risk behaviors at an earlier
age than their peers.” (Garofalo 1998)

Since a certain percentage of males who experience SSA in adolescence find

that these feelings disappear in time, schools should not encourage adolescent
boys to “come out,” but offer positive support to deal with underlying
problems.

Robert Garofalo, et al. (1998) “The association between health risk behaviors
and sexual orientation among a school-based sample of adolescents,”
Pediatrics, 101 (5) p. 895-898.

Halkitis, P., Wilton, L., Drescher, J. eds. (2005) Barebacking: Psychosocial and
Public Health Approaches, Haworth Medical Press: NY

Kalichman, S., Rompa, D. (1995) Sexually Coerced and Noncoerced Gay and
Bisexual Men: Factors Relevant to Risk for Human Immunodeficiency Virus
(HIV) Infection. Journal of Sex Research. 32, 1: 45 - 50.

Lemp, G., Hirozawa, A., Givertz, D., Nieri, G., Anderson, L., Linegren, M.,
Janssen, R., Katx, M. (1994) Seroprevalence of HIV and Risk Behaviors Among
Young Homosexual and Bisexual Men. Journal of the American Medical
Association. 272, 6: 449:454.

Osmond, D., Page, K., Wiley, J., Garrett, K., Sheppard, H., Moss, A., Schrager,
K., Winkelstein, W. (1994) HIV Infection in Homosexual and Bisexual Men 18

168
to 29 years of age: The San Francisco Young Men's Health Study. American
Journal of Public Health. 84, 12: 1933 - 1937.

Remafedi, G. (1994) Predictors of unprotected intercourse among gay and

bisexual youth: knowledge, beliefs, and behavior. Pediatrics. 94 : 163 – 168.

Stall, R, Coates, T, Hoff, C (1988) “Behavior Risk Reduction for HIV Infection
among gay and bisexual men”, American Psychologist, 43, 11: 883.

Wainberg, Milton et al. (2006) Crystal Meth and Men who Have Sex with Men:
What mental health care professionals need to know, Haworth Medical Press,
NY.

TOLERANCE FOR EX-GAYS

Each year, thousands of men and women with same sex attractions make the
personal decision to leave homosexuality. Their choice is one only they can
make. However, there are others in society who refuse to respect that choice,
and endeavor to attack the ex-gay community. Media dealing with tolerance
and hate issues generally fail to discuss the discrimination faced by ex-gays
and their supporters. Consequently, many Americans are unaware of the
widespread intolerance practiced against homosexuals who choose to leave
homosexuality:

 The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Educational Network (GLSEN) has spent
thousands of dollars distributing a school booklet accusing ex-gays of
"harassment" because ex-gays want the same access to schools as gay
affirming groups. GLSEN also urged the Seattle school district to stop
renting space to a church because the church supports ex-gays. GLSEN’s
local Education and Training Director equated the ex-gay “message on
campus” to “bullying and harassment” of students.
 The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) demanded that a contributor (AOL’s
Mrs. Steve Case) reconsider her sizeable donation to a children’s school
merely because it had indirect ties to an ex-gay ministry.
 Tim Wilkins was fired from his job as supervisor at the Raleigh News &
Observer for daring to “come out” as a former homosexual.
 An episode of the NBC TV show “Will and Grace” condemned ex-gays as
“freaks,” “self-loathing closet cases,” and “morally wrong.”
 Police were forced to escort former lesbian Yvette Schneider off the
Dartmouth University campus when angry homosexuals disrupted her
speech.
 Harvard University conducted two separate investigations against
employee Larry Houston because he discussed his former homosexuality
on the school campus.
 After receiving complaints from gay activists, the Michigan State Medical
Society abruptly revoked its grant of continuing education credits for an
ex-gay conference sponsored by the Catholic Medical Association.
 TV station KBYU, Salt Lake City, Utah yanked a scheduled segment on
reparative therapy in response to calls for censorship of ex-gay
programming by the state’s gay political action committee.
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  Cornelius Baker, the executive director of an AIDS clinic (Whitman-
Walker) that receives federal funding, labeled ex-gays as “political
extremists” who “tortured and brainwashed” teens, although he endorses
gay outreach to questioning youth.
 After receiving “threats, insults and brutal letters” for running an
advertisement for an ex-gay book, Psychology Today Editor Bob Epstein
acknowledged the “dark, intolerant, abusive side of the gay community.”
 Sticker Guys of Reno, Nevada refused to accept an ex-gay printing order.
 In his inaugural address, the Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians
and Gays (PFLAG) national President stated that the lives of ex-gays
served to “terrorize” gays and “deny them civil rights.”
 Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) filed a sexual orientation
discrimination complaint against the National Education Association
(NEA) for prohibiting ex-gays from exhibiting at NEA conventions. The
NEA, which allows gay booths, is the nation’s largest teachers’ union,
and in some areas membership by educators is mandatory. Although the
NEA has condemned the Boy Scouts for excluding gays as scout leaders
and urges public schools to refuse use of their facilities for Boy Scout
meetings, it consistently discriminates against former gays. The NEA
claims it can legally exclude ex-gays from its facilities because it is a
private organization. Ironically, this is one of the same arguments used
by the Boy Scouts in its successful Supreme Court case, Boy Scouts of
America v. Dale. However, unlike the Boy Scouts, the NEA has issued
resolutions calling for sexual orientation tolerance and diversity, so it
cannot claim that it has asserted views opposing sexual orientation.
 Orlando Commissioner Patty Sheehan denounced her fellow
commissioner for issuing a proclamation honoring an ex-gay organization
even though she herself freely makes proclamations celebrating “Gay
Days” every year at Disney World. Ms. Sheehan, an open lesbian, went
so far as to compare the ex-gay organization to the KKK, thereby
demeaning African-American ex-gays.
 Equality Virginia and other gay activist groups demanded that DC Metro
remove PFOX’s subway billboards advocating tolerance for ex-gays. As a
result, the District of Columbia Metro system voted to eliminate the non-
profit billboard rate for all charities.

The list is endless because every day brings new hostile acts against the ex-
gay community simply because we dare to exist. The demonization of ex-gays
by gays themselves is a sad end to the long struggle for tolerance by the gay
community. That ex-gays and their supporters are now oppressed by the same
people who until recently were victimized themselves, demonstrates how far
the gay rights movement has come. Indeed, a new chapter in the movement
has begun – the right of homosexuals and lesbians to leave that lifestyle.

Although gay organizations advocate for the rights of homosexuals, lesbians,

bisexuals, and transgenders, they do not add “ex-gay” to that list. Therefore, if
it were not for ex-gay organizations like PFOX, former gay men and women
would have no support in an increasingly hostile environment.

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Americans need to face the real issue of bigotry -- oppression of ex-gays. Gay
activists cannot claim sympathy as victims when they victimize their own.

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX)

~ supporting the right of homosexuals to choose change ~
P O Box 510 ~ Reedville VA 22539 804-453-4737 ~ pfox@pfox.org ~
www.pfox.org

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) is a non-profit organization

supporting the ex-gay community. PFOX believes that all people should be
treated with dignity, gay and ex-gay. We respect the opinions of others, even
if they disagree with us. Indeed, we do not ask for their approval – only their
tolerance.

Equal Access

Attention STUDENTS and GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES:

Is your workplace, government agency or public school holding a gay

pride/diversity/tolerance event of some kind? If so, would you request that
they also include an ex-gay speaker or hold an ex-gay event? If they hold a
gay event or speaker, then they must also provide equal access to other
sexual orientations, including ex-gays. PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays &
Gays) will help you by providing speakers and informative handouts for the ex-
gay event. Contact PFOX at pfox@pfox.org

At a time when former homosexuals and lesbians are facing increasing

intolerance, ex-gay presentations are more important than ever for others to
recognize and appreciate the ex-gay community. Equal access to public
facilities by ex-gays supports sexual orientation diversity and tolerance. Ask
your workplace, agency or public school to sponsor an ex-gay event or speaker
today!

Ex-gay speakers are available for private or public speaking engagements in

any setting, both secular and religious settings, including churches, youth
groups, diversity events, multi-cultural forums, sexual orientation
presentations, anti-discrimination forums, etc.

Ask your agency or school to sponsor an ex-gay event or speaker today!

"This is not just a conservative issue. Liberals, too, believe in human rights.
This is a broader human rights issue, because people have a choice - to stay in
homosexuality, or to change."

— Arthur Goldberg of JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives to

Homosexuality)

Ex-Gay Speakers for Your Workplace, School or Church

Feb 14, 2007

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Invite an Ex-Gay Speaker to address your school, workplace, or church! Has
your college hosted an ex-gay speaker yet? Does your university present
sexual orientation issues without including the ex-gay perspective? Are you
tired of your workplace holding gay pride or diversity/tolerance events without
including former homosexuals?

Ex-gay presentations are vital for others to recognize the ex-gay community
and realize there is more to sexual orientation than celebrating gay events.
Equal access to facilities by ex-gays supports sexual orientation diversity and
tolerance. Ask your student club, church, workplace, or school to sponsor an
ex-gay speaker today!

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) can provide ex-gay speakers
and informative handouts on sexual orientation. Speakers are former gay
activists who now represent the ex-gay viewpoint in public forums and debates
surrounding the issue of homosexuality. They are experienced in speaking on
sexual orientation issues in churches, college campuses, and public settings
across the country. Speakers present scientifically accurate information on the
nature of homosexuality and the potential of change from homosexual to
heterosexual.

Sample speaking topics include:

 Diversity includes former homosexuals

 Civil rights or special rights for gays
 Is change possible? Sexual reorientation and the ex-gay community
 Intolerance against ex-gays by gay activist groups
 Is homosexuality genetic? The varying theories behind the development
of sexual orientation
 Why did I change from gay to straight? My Christian testimony
 AIDS & HIV

Costs: Nominal speaker’s fee plus travel expenses, lodgings, and meals.

Contact: PFOX at pfox@pfox.org or 804-453-4737 or www.pfox.org for more

information.

Also available for everyone: Ex-gay brochures and posters you can place in
your student center, library, diversity center, exhibit table, conference, etc.
See www.pfox.org under Download for samples.

Learn how to start an Ex-Gays & Friends Club at your high school or college?

Finding the Right Help: Locating a Counselor for the Person with
Unwanted Same-Sex Attractions

For Strugglers

by Tim Wilkins

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Locating an experienced counselor who will help a person overcome unwanted
same-sex attractions can be a long and arduous task. Because this form of
counseling is “politically incorrect” among many counselors, strugglers and/or
their family and friends need to know how to investigate and secure a
counselor who shares their belief–that freedom is possible. When I am
contacted by someone needing counseling for homosexuality, I immediately
refer them to an Exodus member ministry in their area. Sometimes distance
makes this unfeasible. Simply picking up the phone and making an
appointment with the first person to answer can be a horrible mistake. Thus, I
have specific guidelines for those seeking such help.

Go through the yellow pages and begin calling counselors. Do not assume that
the designation “Christian or Biblical Counseling” means what you think it
means. When you get a counselor on the phone, tell them “I need help for
someone who is experiencing anxiety regarding same-sex attractions.” Do not
say “I need help for a man/woman who is experiencing unwanted same-sex
attractions”; you do not want to tip your hand with the word “unwanted.” By
using the word “unwanted,” you are telling the counselor up front that the
struggler wants freedom; thus allowing the counselor to modify his/her
comments in order to get another client in the door, even if he does not
believe in or advocate freedom. (If you get an answering machine or a
receptionist, leave your phone number for them to return your call; DO NOT
give details.)

After this brief introduction, immediately ask this diagnostic question, “what
approach do you take with such a client?” Say nothing more, waiting in
complete silence for their response. If the counselor asks a question before
responding to your question, politely but firmly repeat your question with a
slight variation, “how do you go about dealing with such a person?” Maintain
control of the conversation; after all you made the phone call. Refuse to be
drawn into answering qualifying questions. If the counselor cannot or will not
tell you her approach, thank her for their time and end the call.

If the counselor is candid and says he deals only with the homosexual’s anxiety
versus change, again politely end the call. He is not what you are looking for.
If the counselor’s answers are solidly biblical and/or he speaks of reparative
therapy, press further. (Reparative therapy is the clinical approach to helping
those come out of homosexuality.) If the counselor uses biblical terminology,
but comes across with simplistic answers such as “I teach him how to trust the
Lord,” or “I share the gospel and tell her to repent,” again politely end the
phone call.

What you want to hear is a lucid, compassionate, biblical response that

homosexual behavior is sin and that freedom is possible through Jesus Christ.
If the counselor uses the words “reparative therapy” she is referring to the
clinical term for helping someone out of homosexuality. When you get either
response, ask what books they have read on the subject and how much
experience they have had counseling in this area.

Listen for book titles such as:

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  Someone I Love is Gay by Bob Davies and Anita Worthen
 Homosexual No More by Bill Consiglio
 The Broken Image by Leanne Payne
 Crisis in Masculinity by Leanne Payne
 Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth by Dr. Jeffrey Satinover
 Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi
 Coming Out of Homosexuality by Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel
 Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas
 A Strong Delusion by Joe Dallas
 Setting Love in Order by Mario Bergner
 Setting the Record Straight by Dr. Larry Burtoft
 Out of Egypt by Jeanette Howard
 Straight and Narrow? by Thomas Schmidt
 Unwanted Harvest? by Mona Riley and Brad Sargent
 Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic by Dr. Elizabeth Moberly

The above books are classics advocating freedom from same-sex attractions. If
you continue to get positive responses from the counselor, set an appointment
for you or your loved one.

Tim Wilkins is a former homosexual who formed Cross Ministry, phone: 919-
569-0375), through which he reaches out to homosexuals with the
transforming truth of the Gospel. He is married and has three children.

FINDING A THERAPIST for Counseling on Same-sex Attractions

For Parents

Do not take your child to a therapist unless you have thoroughly investigated
their credentials and success rate in dealing with same-sex attractions (SSA).
You may do more harm than good if you allow your child to see someone who
has little or no experience in this area. You do not want to bring your child to
see someone who has little or no experience in this area.

You do not want to bring your child to see someone who will simply try to
“pray” this away or “cast out demons”. And you definitely do not want to take
your child to see a “gay affirmative” therapist. This is the teaching and training
of the mental health profession and recovery movement. In fact, they have
given a new diagnosis to those who do not accept their homosexuality:
“internalized homophobia”.

This means that someone has internalized societal or religious prejudice

toward homosexuality. So be careful when selecting a therapist. And, do not
insist that your child see a therapist unless they have a desire to pursue
change. If they are not motivated to deal with their underlying emotional
issues, sending them to a therapist is a waste of time and money.

Here are some suggested questions to ask a prospective therapist:

 What is your education and training in the area of same-sex attraction?

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  What is your personal belief about homosexuality and SSA?
 Do you practice and/or believe in “gay affirmative therapy”? It is
important to ask this question. Don’t make any assumptions when
interviewing a therapist, even if they are “religious”.
 How long have you been helping people heal from unwanted SSA?
 Have you been successful in helping men and women transition from a
homosexual to a heterosexual orientation?
 What kind of success rate do you have?
 Have you had personal experience with SSA? (Some therapists, like
myself, have come out of homosexuality; however, that is not a
requirement for a good therapist.)
 If you work with my child, what therapeutic approaches would you use?
 If it is important to you: Do you believe in God?

Regarding a therapist’s personal faith, do not be fooled. Many Christian and

Jewish therapists also believe in the “innate, immutable” concept. They too
may try to enroll your child into the mythology of homosexuality. Do not make
any assumptions when interviewing a therapist. Be thorough and up front, so
have no any regrets later on.

Also, many therapists will say they may help your child in dealing with SSA,
but they still believe in “gay affirmative therapy”. Please be direct and ask
them if they practice this type of therapy (which is what most therapists are
taught in undergraduate and graduate schools). Gay affirmative therapy is
based on the assumption that people are born with SSA and therefore must
come to an acceptance of their homosexuality. Again, they will diagnosis your
child with “internalized homophobia” if she or she has not accepted his/her
SSA as normal and natural.

You may want to consider family vs. individual therapy. SSA is a systemic
issue and healing may be accelerated by involving all the family members
(Dad, Mom, and all the children). This way, the focus is not on the child with
SSA, but everyone gets to participate in family healing. In order to have your
child participate in such a family healing session, you may use the magic
words, “Please do it for me. I would really like you to attend, because I have
issues that I would like to address and take responsibility for. Please come for
me and the whole family.” That is a good way to frame the session and solicit
each child’s participation.

If you choose to go this route, be sure to find a competent therapist who has
experience working with the entire family system. This is an art in itself, and
many therapists are not comfortable with this approach or have no training in
this area.

What We Wish Our Friends Knew, Would Say, Or Wouldn't Say

1. We as PFOX parents LOVE our same gender attracted kids. Don't tell us
to love them anyway. Of course we do!

2. Unlike what we thought, it is NOT about sex at all. It is about

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 unfulfilled wants and needs.

3. NO ONE wants to have same gender attraction.

4. NO ONE is born "gay." Honest homosexuals will tell you they know
they were not born that way. We can show you the proof, so don't say,
"Oh, just accept it, they can't help it." The "world" has told all of us a big
lie.

5. Yet, conversely, they CAN'T help it. We know that. We know how they
all struggled for years and years to get rid of these feelings, before
giving up.

6. If you call them a name: faggot, queer, sissy…..YOU are part of the
problem. You have driven them deeper and deeper into keeping their
deep dark "secret." You have forced them to find friends who
"understand" them – other strugglers.

7. Don't tell them to "shake it off." They have tried that. They have
prayed and cried for years. It doesn't just "go away."

8. And DON'T think they can just get married and it will go away. That is
absolutely the proven worst thing that could happen.

9. And don't tell us it's okay. We love them, but we don't have to accept
this as the final act in their lives. True love tells us to try and help them:
with good information, good friends, and good support. Whatever it
takes. We know they may never change, but that doesn't mean we have
to just accept it. Would you accept your child's cancer and never take
him to the doctor? Would you approve of his drug addiction, so he would
keep loving you? Real parents do not act that way. We won't either.

10. DO try to learn along with us. Do ask us how we are…how our child
is. Do pray with us. We know we can't pray it away, but we know we can
pray for the right thing to do….for the right things to happen in their
lives.

11. We do feel that our SGA children are the choicest of spirits. They are
the most sensitive, kind and intelligent. They can endure this special trial
and be true children of God in the end.

Gender Identities

The following terms are used in both popular culture and contemporary
academic settings to describe the virtually unlimited manifestations of “gender
identity”:

Androgeny / Androgenous

Bigendered

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Bi Dyke

Boi

Boy

Boydyke

Bro-sis

Butch

ButchDyke

Camp

Cross Dresser (CD)

Cross-Living

Drag (In Drag)

Drag King

Drag Queen

Dyke

FTM or F->M or F2M (Female to Male)

Femme

Femme Dyke

Female

Female Bodied

Female Impersonator (FI)

Fetishistic Transvestite

Gender Illusionist

Gender Neutral

Gender-Bender

Gender-Blender

Genderqueer
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Genetic Boy

Genetic Male/Man (GM)

Genetic Female/Woman (GF/GW)

Genetic Girl (GG)

Girl

Grrl

Half-dyke

Hermaphrodite

Heteroflexible

Hir

Intersex

MTF or M->F or M2F (Male to Female)

Male

Male Impersonator

Metamorph

Monogendered

Multigendered

Neuter

No-gendered

Non-op

Omnisexual

Pansexual

Pre-operative Transsexual (Pre-op TS)

Polygendered

Post-operative Transsexual

Queer
178
Queerboi

Shape Shifter

Stem (a feminine-identified lesbian)

Stud (a masculine-identified lesbian)

Trannyboi

Trannydyke

Trannyfag

Transboi

Transgendered

Transgenderist

Transitioning

Transmale

Transsexual (TS)

Transvestite

Trans-identified

Trisexual

Two-Spirit

Ze

Sources

GSA's Beyond the Binary -- A Tool Kit for Gender Identity Activism in Schools
http://www.transgenderlawcenter.org/pdf/beyond_the_binary.pdf

Peeing In Peace --
http://www.transgenderlawcenter.org/pdf/PIP%20Resource%20Gui
de.pdf

Boi or grrl? Pop culture blurs gender lines: From metrosexuals to Ellen,
gender-bending goes mainstream, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9556134/

Carnegie Mellon University Women’s Center (Feminism and Women’s Studies):

http://feminism.eserver.org/sexual-gender-identity.txt

179
Hans, T. Aaron, Gender Terminology List, Sexual Minority Youth Assistance
League (SMYAL), Washington, DC.

Hirschfeld, Scott, Defining Gender in Straight Jackets: Gender Variance in a

Pink or Blue World, GLSEN Education Department Resource, 2000.

Kimball, Linda, A Pink Tufted, Punk Green Android Named Trannyboi, May 12,
2005, www.christian-underground.com.

Rathke, Lisa, University of Vermont adds gender-neutral bathrooms, USA

Today, August 26, 2007, http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2007-08-
26-vermont_N.htm

Siragusa, Nicolette, The Language of Gender, GLSEN Resource Center, October

1, 2001,
http://www.glsen.org/templates/resources/record.html?section=18&record=10
13

Transgender Terminology:
http://www.banyancounselingcenter.com/tsterminology.html

Notable quotes

"Being queer means pushing the parameters of sex, sexuality, and family; and
in the process, transforming the very fabric of society. We must keep our eyes
on the goals of providing true alternatives to marriage and of radically
reordering society's view of reality." - Paula Ettelbrick, law professor and
homosexual activist
“I think the fluidity of gender is the next big wave in terms of adolescent
development… Gender has become part of the defining way that youth
organize themselves and rebel against adults.” - Caitlin Ryan, clinical social
worker at San Francisco State University, past president of the National
Lesbian and Gay Health Foundation, and consultant to the Gay Lesbian and
Straight Education Network (GLSEN) on the issue of Gay Straight Clubs on high
school campuses.
“At the very basic level, it’s about telling society that we’re not going to adhere
to your rules. At some level, it is very political and anti-mainstream society.
And on a different level, it’s also very personal — trying to figure yourself out.”
- T.J. Jourian, a 24-year-old graduate student at Michigan State University who
specifically calls himself a “transmale.”
“It’s pretty simple…You are what you feel.” - Laura Dziewior, a 17-year-old
senior at a Chicago Catholic high school.

"If you're not a man or woman, words like gay or lesbian don't fit you
anymore. The words from just a few years ago aren't adequate to talk about
who we are, where we're coming from, and who we are like." - Sam Davis,
founder of United Genders of the Universe

“The language thing is tricky......I feel sorry for straight people." - Thom
Lynch, director of San Francisco’s LGBT Community Center.

180
"Tricky, but healthy and empowering. We in society.....are developing new
understandings of sexual orientation and gender identities.......We don't really
have enough language to describe that; therefore we have to create new
words." - Carolyn Laub, director of Gay Straight Alliance Network.

Gender Identity Disorder (GID)

Legalizing Deception: Why "Gender Identity" Should not be added to

Anti-discrimination Legislation

by Dale O'Leary

Certain national and international groups are pushing for the addition of
"gender identity" and "gender expression" to anti-discrimination laws.
According to activists, gender identity is defined as: "An individual's self -
perception or inner sense of being a man, a male, a woman, a female, both,
neither, butch, femme, two-spirit, bigender, or another configuration of
gender. Gender identity often matches the gender typically associated with the
person's anatomy but sometimes does not" and gender expression refers to:
"Any combination of how someone outwardly presents external characteristics
behaviors that are socially defined as masculine or feminine, including dress,
mannerisms speech patterns and social interactions."[1]

For example, a bill introduced in the Maryland legislature reads as follows: "An
owner or operator of a place of public accommodation ...may not refuse,
withhold from, or deny to any person any of the accommodations, advantages,
facilities, or privileges of the place of public accommodation because of the
person's ....gender identity." This would mean that males dressed as females
could use women's restrooms and locker rooms.

Such legislation is designed to give legal protections to those who reject the
sex they were born and want to be publicly accepted the other sex - the so-
called 'transsexuals,' 'transgendered,' 'gender queer,' transvestites, and
others. Such persons deceive themselves, deceive others, and are being
deceived by mental health professionals and surgeons. The public is being
deceived by the media and activists into believing that so-called 'transsexuals'
were born with biological problems that are remedied by surgery and that it is
possible to change your sex.

No one can change sex; it is written in DNA on every cell of our bodies. The
people demanding "gender identity and expression" protection are physically
normal men or women, but according to the "gender" ideologues, what
matters is not what sex you really are, but what sex you want to be or think
you are,. People could be sanctioned for simply using the correct pronouns
when referring to a person who is obviously male, but wants to be female.

The following quote from an interview on with Dr. Theodore Dalrymple, author
of a collection of essays titled: Our Culture, What's Left of It: The Mandarins
and the Masses demonstrates the effect such lies have on the culture:

181
In my study of communist societies, I came to the conclusion that the purpose
of communist propaganda was not to persuade or convince, nor to inform, but
to humiliate; and therefore, the less it corresponded to reality the better.
When people are forced to remain silent when they are being told the most
obvious lies, or even worse when they are forced to repeat the lies themselves,
they lose once and for all their sense of probity. To assent to obvious lies is to
co-operate with evil, and in some small way to become evil oneself. One's
standing to resist anything is thus eroded, and even destroyed.[2]

One lie leads to another. A clearly a male person presents himself in public as
a woman. He has had surgery and hormone treatments to perfect his
impersonation and he demands that we pretend this makes him a woman. He
wants us to use female pronouns when speaking of him and to allow him to
use the ladies' restroom. He also wants to change his birth certificate and
drivers' license. While some persons who present as the other sex are
obviously not the sex they pretend to be, others are able to deceive their
sexual partners without informing them of their true sexual identity.

Persons who present themselves in public as the other sex say they need such
protections because they are afraid of violence. This fear is real. When
someone is deceived -- particularly in such a personal matter has the sex of an
intimate partner or potential spouse - anger is an understandable reaction.
Violent acts can never be condoned, but if such legislation is passed those who
have been deceived will be denied any legal recourse and the deceivers
portrayed as victims.

The circle of deception created by this "gender ideology" begins with those who
want to be the other sex deceiving themselves. As children they may have
been wounded, traumatized, abused, or rejected. They fell into envy and
fantasy, imagining "If I were the other sex, I would be safe, loved, valued."
This envy grew into an obsession. They coveted the body parts of the other
sex, and despised their own bodies. The idea that they were "transsexual" may
have been suggested to them by a mental health professional or they may
have seen reports of "sex changes" in the media. They deceived themselves
into believing that this would be the answer to all their problems. While some
may simply want to be the other sex, others may actually come to believe that
they really are the other sex, that nature made a mistake and gave them the
body of one sex and the brain of the other. Such a delusion is very difficult to
treat, particularly when the person learns that there are surgeons able to fulfill
their fantasy and create the appearance of the other sex.

While those applying for surgery may insist that they have the brain or soul of
the other sex, they really don't know what it means to be the other sex. Most
can only present a very stereotyped image of their desired sex. They have to
constantly monitor their own gestures and mannerisms. They are excited when
they are able to deceive others - to pass -- but admit that they are often not
accepted as the other sex. They want the government to force people to go
along with their deception, but even if such laws are passed they will only be
able to fool some of the people some of the time.

182
While persons who want to be the other sex desperately want to believe that
they were born with this problem, there is no evidence for this. Some men and
women who want to be the other sex failed to identify with their birth sex as
children. This condition, known as childhood gender (sexual) identity disorder
(G[S]ID), is a preventable and treatable. Even without treatment most children
with G[S]ID grow out of it; however, a small number persist in their desire to
be the other sex.

Not all persons who want to be the other sex suffered from obvious symptoms
of G[S]ID as children. Some males are autogynephiles, who began in
adolescence to engage in paraphilic transvestite fetishism. A paraphilia is a
sexual attraction to something other than another person, in this case a man is
sexually aroused by to the image of himself as a woman. As unhappy
adolescents, these males engaged in masturbation wearing their mother's
clothing and fantasizing about being women. Many autogynephiles marry, have
children, and engage in male-typical careers, while secretly engaging cross-
dressing. For some autogynephiles, cross-dressing is not enough; they want to
perfect this image through surgery. One autogynephile explained that these
are men who want to become what they love.[3] After surgery many
autogynephiles continue to be sexually attracted to women and insist they are
lesbians. It is interesting to note that some radical feminists are offended by
the stereotyped images of women these men present. Some feminist groups
have restricted their gatherings to women born as women and living as
women.

Those who are obsessed with the idea of being the other sex often resist
therapy. They refuse to look at the psychological reasons for their desires.
Some mental health professionals, frustrated by their inability to treat this
disorder and concerned about their clients' obvious dysphoria, are willing to go
along with this deception. They give in to their clients demands and
recommend a surgical solution to what they as therapists know is a mental
health problem. They deceive their clients into believing that a "sex change" is
possible.

The "sex change" surgeons know they can't change a persons' sex, they can
only create a non-functional appearance of the other sex, but they also know
they will be well paid for their skill and so go along with the deception.

The news media report glowing tales of how John became Jane and is now
entirely happy. Reporters use the new names and incorrect pronouns.
Headlines read "The Pregnant Man" when the reality is that a woman who had
her breasts removed and received male hormones to induce beard growth
became pregnant by artificial insemination. Doubters are labeled "transphobic."

Public officials go along with the deception, letting persons who want to be the
other sex to falsify their driver licenses and other documents, even some who
have not been surgically altered.

Those who go through mutilating surgery - who sacrificed so much to achieve

their fantasy -- have to continue the deception even though their unrealistic
183
expectations are often not met.[4] Anne Lawrence, a post surgery
autogynephile, explains how the fantasy breaks down:
Autogynephilic transsexuals may also find it harder to fully identify with
women after transition than before, because the difference they inevitably
observe between themselves and natal women become harder to rationalize
after transition. Before transition, these differences can be attributed to the
necessity of temporarily maintaining a socially acceptable masculine persona:
after transition, when this excuse evaporates, autogynephilic transsexuals may
be forced to confront reality. Nonhomosexual MtF transsexuals often seem to
expect that, with enough effort, they will be able to pass undetected as natal
women after transition; but because their appearance and behavior are rarely
naturally feminine, this expectation usually proves unrealistic. [5]

Lawrence also points out that when autogynephiles are not accepted as the sex
they want to be they can be vulnerable to narcissistic rage, which is defined as
the "disproportionate, compulsive pursuit of revenge that seeks to obliterate
both the offense and the offender."[6] Extend legal protection to persons who
want to present themselves as the other sex need will give these narcissistic
autogynephiles the right to pursue legal sanctions against those who will not
go long with the lie that they have changed their sex. Given that
"transsexuals" suffer from a "fundamental disorder" in their sense of self and
are prone to narcissistic rage[7], there is every reason to believe that they will
use such laws to ruthlessly attack anyone who speaks the truth.

If you want to understand the full potential of such wrath, consider the case of
John Michael Bailey, whose book The Man who would be Queen provoked
retaliation from a small group of persons who didn't like being labeled
autogynephiles. They used the internet to make outrageous accusations
against Bailey, attacking his children, trying to turn colleagues against him,
and to have him fired from his job.[8]

Lawrence applies the following clinical description of narcissistic rage to

Bailey's opponents:
...need for revenge, for righting a wrong, for undoing a hurt by whatever
means, and deeply anchored, unrelenting compulsion in the pursuit of all these
aims... There is utter disregard for reasonable limitations and a boundless wish
to redress an injury and to obtain revenge... The fanaticism of the need for
revenge and the unending compulsion of having to square the account after an
offense...The narcissistically injured... cannot rest until he has blotted out [the]
... offender who dared to oppose him, to disagree with him.
Even if only a small number of autogynephiles are prone to narcissistic
revenge, they could cause incredible harm to anyone who speaks the truth.
They would see injury everywhere, file complaints, and institute lawsuits.

The laws adding "gender identity" to anti-discrimination legislation would allow

men and women with serious psychological disorders, some of whom are prone
to narcissistic rage and revenge to use the law to persecute business owners
who are attempting to protect the privacy of customers in restrooms and
locker rooms.

184
If "gender identity" is added to anti-discrimination legislation, the lie of "sex
change" will be taught in the schools. It won't be long before we will have
children's books about how Johnny's daddy is now Johnny's mommy and
everyone is living happily ever after. Teachers and other school personnel will
expect to be accepted in whatever form they appear. Mr. Brown will come back
after summer vacation as Miss Brown.

Confused children with G[S]ID who need treatment are already being pushed
down the path to surgical mutilation. Schools are being told that if an
elementary school boy or girl believes that he or she is the other sex;
everyone should go along with this fantasy. The school should allow these
troubled children to change their names, dress as the other sex, and use the
restrooms of the other sex. Other children will be punished if they object or
speak the truth.

And it gets worse. In some places, at age 11 these children who think they are
the other sex are given puberty-blocking hormones so that secondary sexual
characteristics do not appear. Then they are given hormones proper to the
other sex, so that at age 18 they can be surgically mutilated. In other words,
the entire educational, psychological, and medical establishment is conspiring
to see that these children never receive proper treatment. There is no research
on the long-term effects of these hormone treatments on developing the
bodies and brain. Do we really believe that 11-year-old children have the
judgment necessary to decide to permanently surrender his sexual identity and
reproductive potential?

It seems like such a small change - just add "gender identity" to anti-
discrimination laws, but such a change discriminates against the truth and
endangers children. We have an obligation to oppose it with all our energy.
One way is to stop using their language. Their words distort and deceive. I am
currently working on Lexicon for the profamily movement. We need a common
vocabulary so that we can speak the truth about the human person.

*****

If you are interested in participating in the development of such a Lexicon or

would like to view my suggestions, email me at dalemoleary@yahoo.com and
request the paper "Don't Say Gender When You Mean Sex."

[1] GLSEN Jump Start Guide, "Gender-Related Terminology List."

[www.glsen.org/binary-data/GLSEN_ATTACHMENTS/file/000/000/966-1.pdf]
[2] Jamie Glazov (2005) "Our Culture, What's Left Of It," Frontpage Magazine,
August 3.
[3] Anne Lawrence, (2007) "Becoming what we love: Autogynephilic
transsexualism conceptualized as an expression of romantic love," Perspectives
in Biology and Medicine, 50, 506-520.
[4] J. Michael Bailey (2003) The Man who would be Queen: The Science of
Gender-Bending and transsexualism, Washington, DC: John Henry Press
[5] Anne Lawrence (2008) "Shame and Narcissistic Rage in Autogynephilic
Transsexualism," Archives of Sexual Behavior, 37: 457-461
185
[6] H. Kohut (1971) The analysis of self: A systematic approach to the
psychoanalytic treatment of narcissistic personality disorders, (NY:
International Universities Press; H. Kohut (1972) "Thoughts on narcissism and
narcissistic age," Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, 27:360-400.
[7] Lawrence, Ibid. A, Beitel (1985) "The spectrum of gender identity
disturbances: An intrapsyhic model," in B. W. Steiner, (ed) Gender Dysphoria:
Development, Research, Management (NY: Pleum) pp. 189-206; U. Hartman
et al (1997) "Self and gender: Narcissistic pathology and personality factors in
gender dysphoric patients: Preliminary results of a prospective study,"
International Journal of Transgenderism,
http://www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtcf0103.htm
[8] Alice Dreger (2008) "The controversy surrounding The Man Who Would Be
Queen A case history of the politics of Science, Identity, and Sex in the
Internet Age," Archives of Sexual Behavior, 37: 366-421.

Dear APA Member

March 13, 2007

Dear distinguished American Psychological Association member:

We are Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX), a non-profit

organization supporting families and the ex-gay community. We write to you
because of your decision to allow the Committee on Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual
Concerns to staff the new task force on therapeutic responses to sexual
orientation.

Each year, thousands of men and women with unwanted same-sex attractions
make the personal decision to leave homosexuality. Their decision is one only
they can make. However, there are others who refuse to respect that decision,
and endeavor to attack the ex-gay community. Media dealing with tolerance
and hate issues generally fail to discuss the discrimination faced by ex-gays
and their supporters. Consequently, you may be unaware of the widespread
intolerance practiced against homosexuals who choose to leave homosexuality:

* The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Educational Network (GLSEN) spent

thousands of dollars distributing a school booklet accusing ex-gays of
"harassment" because ex-gays want the same access to schools that gay
affirming groups like GLSEN currently enjoy. GLSEN’s opposition to sharing
school access with ex-gay representatives and allowing ex-gay resources to be
made available to schools demonstrates their own disregard for diversity.

* The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) demanded that a contributor reconsider

her sizeable donation to a children’s school merely because it had indirect ties
to an ex-gay ministry.

* After receiving complaints from gay activists, the Michigan State Medical
Society abruptly revoked its grant of continuing education credits for an ex-gay
conference sponsored by the Catholic Medical Association.

186
* After receiving “threats, insults and brutal letters” for running an
advertisement for an ex-gay book, Psychology Today Editor Bob Epstein
acknowledged the “dark, intolerant, abusive side of the gay community.”

* In his inaugural address, the Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and
Gays (PFLAG) national President stated that the lives of ex-gays served to
“terrorize” gays and “deny them civil rights.”

* Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) filed a sexual orientation
discrimination complaint against the National Education Association (NEA) for
prohibiting ex-gays from exhibiting at NEA conventions. Although the NEA has
condemned the Boy Scouts for excluding gays as scout leaders and urges
public schools to refuse use of their facilities for Boy Scout meetings, it
consistently discriminates against former gays. The NEA claims it can legally
exclude ex-gays from its facilities because it is a private organization.
Ironically, this is one of the same arguments used by the Boy Scouts in its
successful Supreme Court case, Boy Scouts of America v. Dale. However,
unlike the Boy Scouts, the NEA has issued resolutions calling for sexual
orientation tolerance and diversity, so it cannot claim that it has asserted
views opposing sexual orientation.

* Orlando Commissioner Patty Sheehan denounced her fellow commissioner

for issuing a proclamation honoring an ex-gay organization even though she
herself freely makes proclamations celebrating “Gay Days” every year at
Disney World. Ms. Sheehan, an open lesbian, went so far as to compare the
ex-gay organization to the KKK, thereby demeaning African-American ex-gays.

* Equality Virginia and other gay activist groups demanded that DC Metro
remove PFOX’s subway billboards advocating tolerance for ex-gays. As a
result, the District of Columbia Metro system voted to eliminate the non-profit
billboard rate for all charities.

The list is endless because every day brings new hostile acts against the ex-
gay community simply because we dare to exist. The demonization of ex-gays
by gays themselves is a sad end to the long struggle for tolerance by the gay
community. That ex-gays and their supporters are now oppressed by the same
people who until recently were victimized themselves, demonstrates how far
the gay rights movement has come. Indeed, a new chapter in the movement
has begun – the right of homosexuals and lesbians to leave unwanted
homosexuality.

Although gay organizations advocate for the rights of homosexuals, lesbians,

bisexuals, and transgenders, they do not add “ex-gay” to that list. Therefore, if
it were not for ex-gay organizations like PFOX, former gay men and women
would have no support in an increasingly hostile environment. Americans need
to face the real issue of bigotry -- oppression of ex-gays. Gay activists cannot
claim sympathy as victims when they victimize their own. Therefore, we at
PFOX are alarmed that gay members of your organization and “external
organizations” have requested that you form a task force because of their
concerns about the role of advocacy for reparative theory “to support an anti-
187
gay activist role in legislative and judicial arenas.” It sounds like even more
intolerance against the ex-gay community with the APA seal of approval to
legitimize their prejudice.

The ex-gay movement is a civil rights movement to ensure the inclusion of

former homosexuals in all realms of society and to support the ex-gay
community’s equal access to schools on the same level as gays currently
enjoy. Ex-gays and their supporters should not have to be closeted for fear of
other’s negative reactions or disapproval. They do not think something is
wrong with them because they decided to fulfill their heterosexual potential.
Nor do they believe others should condemn them for the personal decision
they have made for their lives. Because of the abuse heaped upon them by
society, former homosexuals experience discrimination at every level. When a
gay marries an opposite sex partner, that ex-gay is ridiculed by former friends.
Ex-gays find heterosexuals also reject them if their past is known because
"Once gay, always gay" is assumed. While gays can come out of the "closet,"
ex-gays are forced to stay in theirs because of public prejudice. While gays
gain sympathy as victims, ex-gays are criticized and face life-long intolerance
for simply existing as living proof that homosexuality is not innate.

PFOX respectfully requests that you include ex-gays and their allies to your
task force to ensure that science, and not bias, is the object of the task force’s
mission. According to the American Psychiatric Association, there are no
replicated scientific studies supporting any specific biological etiology for
homosexuality. There is no test for a gay gene. There is no scientific or DNA
test to determine if a person is homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual. Sexual
orientation is a matter of self-affirmation and public declaration.

PFOX also requests that you issue a personal statement condemning prejudice
against the ex-gay community. Too often gay activists have misused science in
order to condone intolerance against the participation of former homosexuals
in the public arena, whether it be equal access to public school forums or ex-
gay speakers participating in diversity events. Being ex-gay is not a disease
and seeking treatment for unwanted same-sex attractions is not a disease
either. We have gay sons and daughters and gay friends. We love and respect
both our gay children and our ex-gay friends. Tolerance should extend to
everyone regardless of sexual orientation.

Thank you for your consideration and we look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Regina Griggs
Executive Director
Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays
PFOX
P O Box 510, Reedville VA 22539
804-453-4737
www.pfox.org
pfox@pfox.org
188
Gender Identity Discrimination

The UN and the Obama administration are working to add “gender identity” to
the categories protected from discrimination. What exactly would that mean?
Who would receive protection?

“Gender Identity” refers to the sex a person identifies with: their actual
biological sex or the other sex. While the media may publicize “sex change
operations,” no one can change their sex. All that can be changed is
appearance. Our sex is written on every cell of our bodies. Adding “gender
identity” to anti-discrimination legislation would grant virtually unrestricted
rights to people who do not want to be the sex they are.

Rebels

This would include rebels against authority, sexual anarchists, the “gender
queer,” the tattooed, cross-dressing in-betweens, the Goths, those who just
want to stick it to “the man”. They could use “gender identity” to claim the
right to outrageous behavior. Employers, educational, institutions, even the
military would lose any ability to create or enforce a dress code.

Transsexual Delusion

Also included would be those suffering from a transsexual delusion, that is the
belief that they were born in the wrong body, that they have the brain of one
sex and the body of the other. Some people suffering from a transsexual
delusion actually believe they have internal sexual organs of the other sex.

In some cases, a transsexual delusion is a side effect of another mental

disorder such as schizophrenia. When the underlying disorder is treated, the
delusion may disappear. In other cases, the transsexual delusion is the main
disorder. The person may be able to function adequately in other areas of life,
but persists in believing that he or she is really the other sex. Persons with a
transsexual delusion believe that nature has made a mistake and surgery to
create the appearance of the other sex and hormone treatment are necessary
to “fix” the mistake. Adding gender identity to anti-discrimination legislation
would force the government to fund multiple surgeries and life-long hormone
treatments – essentially surrendering to the delusion.

Gender Dysphoric

Not all those who want to present themselves as the other sex suffer from a
delusion even though many may express their desire to be the other sex in
those terms. They may have studied up on the issue and discovered that
claiming to be in the wrong body is the way to gain acceptance into a surgery
program. Those who suffer from persistent gender identity disorder (a failure
to feel like the sex they are or a desire to be the other sex) or gender
dysphoria. (deep unhappiness at being the sex they are) know which sex they
are, but want to present themselves as the other sex. Some have suggested
that there is a biological cause for these feelings – that they were born that

189
way. There is no evidence for a genetic, hormonal, or congenital cause. While
some children may be more vulnerable to stress, the causes lie in childhood
experiences not biology.

Three categories of those who desire surgery and hormones have been
identified:

1) Homosexual Transsexuals – These are males who as small boys did not
identity with their father or male peers, instead they identified with older
women. They wanted to dress up in women’s clothing, had affected speech,
and disliked typical boy play. While this behavior is labeled effeminate or
girlish, in fact it is a caricature of adult female behavior rather than an
imitation of the behavior of girls of the same age. These boys are rigid,
anxious, and fearful, whereas girls are more flexible, able to enjoy a range of
activities. Girls may enjoy dressing up, but not be phobic about wearing jeans
and sweatshirts. When these boys are referred to a therapist, they are
diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder, which is a treatable condition. Most
young boys who express a desire to be girls grow out of it, although without
positive intervention many grow up to have same-sex attractions. For some
the desire to be women persists. They are attracted to males, but not to other
men with same-sex attraction.

2) Autogynephiles – Literally men who are in love with the image of

themselves as a woman. Most autogynephiles begin as insecure adolescent
boys but with normal male interests and no external evidence of imitating
female behavior. These boys dealt with adolescent anxiety by dressing in their
mother’s clothing and masturbating, imagining themselves as women. This
developed into paraphilic transvestite fetishism. A person with a paraphilia is
sexually aroused by an inanimate object or something other than another
person. In this case a man with a transvestite fetish is sexual aroused by
dressing in women’s clothing. This may be accompanied by other paraphilias.
Many of these men keep their proclivities secret, marry, have children, and
masculine careers. They use their secret cross-dressing to sooth tension. Some
later in life, perhaps while under stress, decide they want to go further, they
want to create the complete image of women. To the surprise of family and
friends, they announce that they are going to have surgery.

3) Lesbian Transsexuals – Some girls who fail to identify with their mothers
and other women may express a desire to be a boy. However, most grow out
of it. Some do however grow up to see themselves as “butch lesbians.” It
should be noted that a significant percentage of girls who come out as lesbian
in adolescence experienced sexual abuse as children. While the percentage of
women seeking surgery and hormones in the past was far less than the
percentage of men, the number is increasing.

The therapists who promote surgery as a treatment for gender dysphoria do so

because, even though surgery does not actually resolve the underlying
problems, therapy is rarely successful. However, therapy doesn’t work because
the gender dysphoric don’t cooperate. They don’t cooperate because they
know if they can prove to the therapist that therapy doesn’t work they will be
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accepted for surgery. The clients are, therefore, unintentionally encouraged to
resist therapy and to dramatize their suffering.

The proposed legal protections would also cover those who wish to present
themselves as the other sex without having surgery or who have only had top
surgery (breast implants for males, breast removal for females) and not
bottom surgery. Such legal protection could include the right to present one’s
self in public as the other sex, the right to have one’s birth certificate and
drivers license changed to the desired sex, the right to use restrooms and
locker rooms of the other sex, the right to marry a person of the same
biological sex. Such legal changes would include allow those who have been
surgically altered to deceive potential sexual or marriage partners as to their
true sexual identity.

While we can have sympathy for people who suffer from such problems,
particularly those who have been surgically mutilated, the law should not be
twisted in order to normalize delusion, deception, and twisted desire.

The following is a Jan. 21, 2009 letter from Rachel Kaprielian, Registrar of
Motor Vehicles, for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts:

“The Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles has amended its policy to

enable transgendered individuals to more easily change the gender designation
on their licenses and identity cards. Under this new policy, it is no longer
necessary to submit medical proof of sex reassignment surgery. The agency
understands that this requirement is often very difficult, if not impossible, for
many individuals to satisfy. Under the new policy, an individual who wishes to
change the gender marker will submit an updated application together with a
Gender Designation Change Form, signed by him or her and a medical provider
attesting to the gender that the individual considers himself or herself to be.

“In addition, the Registry of Motor Vehicles will no longer require an individual
to provide an amended birth certificate in support of the new gender
designation marker. I believe these changes are fair, reasonable and sensible.
The next edition of the Registry of Motor Vehicles Driver's manual will reflect
the agency's policy amendments.

Transgenderism is a Gender Identity Disorder

Transgenderism is a Mental Disorder

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Surgical Sex

by Dr. Paul McHugh

Paul McHugh is University Distinguished Service Professor of Psychiatry at

Johns Hopkins University.

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Copyright (c) 2004 First Things 147 (November 2004): 34-38.

When the practice of sex-change surgery first emerged back in the early
1970s, I would often remind its advocating psychiatrists that with other
patients, alcoholics in particular, they would quote the Serenity Prayer, “God,
give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Where did
they get the idea that our sexual identity (“gender” was the term they
preferred) as men or women was in the category of things that could be
changed?

Their regular response was to show me their patients. Men (and until recently
they were all men) with whom I spoke before their surgery would tell me that
their bodies and sexual identities were at variance. Those I met after surgery
would tell me that the surgery and hormone treatments that had made them
“women” had also made them happy and contented. None of these encounters
were persuasive, however. The post-surgical subjects struck me as caricatures
of women. They wore high heels, copious makeup, and flamboyant clothing;
they spoke about how they found themselves able to give vent to their natural
inclinations for peace, domesticity, and gentleness—but their large hands,
prominent Adam’s apples, and thick facial features were incongruous (and
would become more so as they aged). Women psychiatrists whom I sent to
talk with them would intuitively see through the disguise and the exaggerated
postures. “Gals know gals,” one said to me, “and that’s a guy.”

The subjects before the surgery struck me as even more strange, as they
struggled to convince anyone who might influence the decision for their
surgery. First, they spent an unusual amount of time thinking and talking
about sex and their sexual experiences; their sexual hungers and adventures
seemed to preoccupy them. Second, discussion of babies or children provoked
little interest from them; indeed, they seemed indifferent to children. But third,
and most remarkable, many of these men-who-claimed-to-be-women reported
that they found women sexually attractive and that they saw themselves as
“lesbians.” When I noted to their champions that their psychological leanings
seemed more like those of men than of women, I would get various replies,
mostly to the effect that in making such judgments I was drawing on sexual
stereotypes.

Until 1975, when I became psychiatrist-in-chief at Johns Hopkins Hospital, I

could usually keep my own counsel on these matters. But once I was given
authority over all the practices in the psychiatry department I realized that if I
were passive I would be tacitly co-opted in encouraging sex-change surgery in
the very department that had originally proposed and still defended it. I
decided to challenge what I considered to be a misdirection of psychiatry and
to demand more information both before and after their operations.

Two issues presented themselves as targets for study. First, I wanted to test
the claim that men who had undergone sex-change surgery found resolution
for their many general psychological problems. Second (and this was more
ambitious), I wanted to see whether male infants with ambiguous genitalia
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who were being surgically transformed into females and raised as girls did, as
the theory (again from Hopkins) claimed, settle easily into the sexual identity
that was chosen for them. These claims had generated the opinion in
psychiatric circles that one’s “sex” and one’s “gender” were distinct matters,
sex being genetically and hormonally determined from conception, while
gender was culturally shaped by the actions of family and others during
childhood.

The first issue was easier and required only that I encourage the ongoing
research of a member of the faculty who was an accomplished student of
human sexual behavior. The psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Jon Meyer was
already developing a means of following up with adults who received sex-
change operations at Hopkins in order to see how much the surgery had
helped them. He found that most of the patients he tracked down some years
after their surgery were contented with what they had done and that only a
few regretted it. But in every other respect, they were little changed in their
psychological condition. They had much the same problems with relationships,
work, and emotions as before. The hope that they would emerge now from
their emotional difficulties to flourish psychologically had not been fulfilled.

We saw the results as demonstrating that just as these men enjoyed cross-
dressing as women before the operation so they enjoyed cross-living after it.
But they were no better in their psychological integration or any easier to live
with. With these facts in hand I concluded that Hopkins was fundamentally
cooperating with a mental illness. We psychiatrists, I thought, would do better
to concentrate on trying to fix their minds and not their genitalia.

Thanks to this research, Dr. Meyer was able to make some sense of the mental
disorders that were driving this request for unusual and radical treatment.
Most of the cases fell into one of two quite different groups. One group
consisted of conflicted and guilt-ridden homosexual men who saw a sex-
change as a way to resolve their conflicts over homosexuality by allowing them
to behave sexually as females with men. The other group, mostly older men,
consisted of heterosexual (and some bisexual) males who found intense sexual
arousal in cross-dressing as females. As they had grown older, they had
become eager to add more verisimilitude to their costumes and either sought
or had suggested to them a surgical transformation that would include breast
implants, penile amputation, and pelvic reconstruction to resemble a woman.

Further study of similar subjects in the psychiatric services of the Clark

Institute in Toronto identified these men by the auto-arousal they experienced
in imitating sexually seductive females. Many of them imagined that their
displays might be sexually arousing to onlookers, especially to females. This
idea, a form of “sex in the head” (D. H. Lawrence), was what provoked their
first adventure in dressing up in women’s undergarments and had eventually
led them toward the surgical option. Because most of them found women to be
the objects of their interest they identified themselves to the psychiatrists as
lesbians. The name eventually coined in Toronto to describe this form of sexual
misdirection was “autogynephilia.” Once again I concluded that to provide a

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surgical alteration to the body of these unfortunate people was to collaborate
with a mental disorder rather than to treat it.

This information and the improved understanding of what we had been doing
led us to stop prescribing sex-change operations for adults at Hopkins—much,
I’m glad to say, to the relief of several of our plastic surgeons who had
previously been commandeered to carry out the procedures. And with this
solution to the first issue I could turn to the second—namely, the practice of
surgically assigning femaleness to male newborns who at birth had malformed,
sexually ambiguous genitalia and severe phallic defects. This practice, more
the province of the pediatric department than of my own, was nonetheless of
concern to psychiatrists because the opinions generated around these cases
helped to form the view that sexual identity was a matter of cultural
conditioning rather than something fundamental to the human constitution.

Several conditions, fortunately rare, can lead to the misconstruction of the

genito-urinary tract during embryonic life. When such a condition occurs in a
male, the easiest form of plastic surgery by far, with a view to correcting the
abnormality and gaining a cosmetically satisfactory appearance, is to remove
all the male parts, including the testes, and to construct from the tissues
available a labial and vaginal configuration. This action provides these
malformed babies with female-looking genital anatomy regardless of their
genetic sex. Given the claim that the sexual identity of the child would easily
follow the genital appearance if backed up by familial and cultural support, the
pediatric surgeons took to constructing female-like genitalia for both females
with an XX chromosome constitution and males with an XY so as to make them
all look like little girls, and they were to be raised as girls by their parents.

All this was done of course with consent of the parents who, distressed by
these grievous malformations in their newborns, were persuaded by the
pediatric endocrinologists and consulting psychologists to accept
transformational surgery for their sons. They were told that their child’s sexual
identity (again his “gender”) would simply conform to environmental
conditioning. If the parents consistently responded to the child as a girl now
that his genital structure resembled a girl’s, he would accept that role without
much travail.

This proposal presented the parents with a critical decision. The doctors
increased the pressure behind the proposal by noting to the parents that a
decision had to be made promptly because a child’s sexual identity settles in
by about age two or three. The process of inducing the child into the female
role should start immediately, with name, birth certificate, baby paraphernalia,
etc. With the surgeons ready and the physicians confident, the parents were
faced with an offer difficult to refuse (although, interestingly, a few parents did
refuse this advice and decided to let nature take its course).

I thought these professional opinions and the choices being pressed on the
parents rested upon anecdotal evidence that was hard to verify and even
harder to replicate. Despite the confidence of their advocates, they lacked
substantial empirical support. I encouraged one of our resident psychiatrists,
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William G. Reiner (already interested in the subject because prior to his
psychiatric training he had been a pediatric urologist and had witnessed the
problem from the other side), to set about doing a systematic follow-up of
these children—particularly the males transformed into females in infancy—so
as to determine just how sexually integrated they became as adults.

The results here were even more startling than in Meyer’s work. Reiner picked
out for intensive study cloacal exstrophy, because it would best test the idea
that cultural influence plays the foremost role in producing sexual identity.
Cloacal exstrophy is an embryonic misdirection that produces a gross
abnormality of pelvic anatomy such that the bladder and the genitalia are
badly deformed at birth. The male penis fails to form and the bladder and
urinary tract are not separated distinctly from the gastrointestinal tract. But
crucial to Reiner’s study is the fact that the embryonic development of these
unfortunate males is not hormonally different from that of normal males. They
develop within a male-typical prenatal hormonal milieu provided by their Y
chromosome and by their normal testicular function. This exposes these
growing embryos/fetuses to the male hormone testosterone—just like all males
in their mother’s womb.

Although animal research had long since shown that male sexual behavior was
directly derived from this exposure to testosterone during embryonic life, this
fact did not deter the pediatric practice of surgically treating male infants with
this grievous anomaly by castration (amputating their testes and any vestigial
male genital structures) and vaginal construction, so that they could be raised
as girls. This practice had become almost universal by the mid-1970s. Such
cases offered Reiner the best test of the two aspects of the doctrine underlying
such treatment: (1) that humans at birth are neutral as to their sexual
identity, and (2) that for humans it is the postnatal, cultural, nonhormonal
influences, especially those of early childhood, that most influence their
ultimate sexual identity. Males with cloacal exstrophy were regularly altered
surgically to resemble females, and their parents were instructed to raise them
as girls. But would the fact that they had had the full testosterone exposure in
utero defeat the attempt to raise them as girls? Answers might become evident
with the careful follow-up that Reiner was launching.

Before describing his results, I should note that the doctors proposing this
treatment for the males with cloacal exstrophy understood and acknowledged
that they were introducing a number of new and severe physical problems for
these males. These infants, of course, had no ovaries, and their testes were
surgically amputated, which meant that they had to receive exogenous
hormones for life. They would also be denied by the same surgery any
opportunity for fertility later on. One could not ask the little patient about his
willingness to pay this price. These were considered by the physicians advising
the parents to be acceptable burdens to bear in order to avoid distress in
childhood about malformed genital structures, and it was hoped that they
could follow a conflict-free direction in their maturation as girls and women.

Reiner, however, discovered that such re-engineered males were almost never
comfortable as females once they became aware of themselves and the world.
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From the start of their active play life, they behaved spontaneously like boys
and were obviously different from their sisters and other girls, enjoying rough-
and-tumble games but not dolls and “playing house.” Later on, most of those
individuals who learned that they were actually genetic males wished to
reconstitute their lives as males (some even asked for surgical reconstruction
and male hormone replacement)—and all this despite the earnest efforts by
their parents to treat them as girls.

Reiner’s results, reported in the January 22, 2004, issue of the New England
Journal of Medicine, are worth recounting. He followed up sixteen genetic
males with cloacal exstrophy seen at Hopkins, of whom fourteen underwent
neonatal assignment to femaleness socially, legally, and surgically. The other
two parents refused the advice of the pediatricians and raised their sons as
boys. Eight of the fourteen subjects assigned to be females had since declared
themselves to be male. Five were living as females, and one lived with unclear
sexual identity. The two raised as males had remained male. All sixteen of
these people had interests that were typical of males, such as hunting, ice
hockey, karate, and bobsledding. Reiner concluded from this work that the
sexual identity followed the genetic constitution. Male-type tendencies
(vigorous play, sexual arousal by females, and physical aggressiveness)
followed the testosterone-rich intrauterine fetal development of the people he
studied, regardless of efforts to socialize them as females after birth.

Having looked at the Reiner and Meyer studies, we in the Johns Hopkins
Psychiatry Department eventually concluded that human sexual identity is
mostly built into our constitution by the genes we inherit and the
embryogenesis we undergo. Male hormones sexualize the brain and the mind.
Sexual dysphoria—a sense of disquiet in one’s sexual role—naturally occurs
amongst those rare males who are raised as females in an effort to correct an
infantile genital structural problem. A seemingly similar disquiet can be socially
induced in apparently constitutionally normal males, in association with (and
presumably prompted by) serious behavioral aberrations, amongst which are
conflicted homosexual orientations and the remarkable male deviation now
called autogynephilia.

Quite clearly, then, we psychiatrists should work to discourage those adults

who seek surgical sex reassignment. When Hopkins announced that it would
stop doing these procedures in adults with sexual dysphoria, many other
hospitals followed suit, but some medical centers still carry out this surgery.
Thailand has several centers that do the surgery “no questions asked” for
anyone with the money to pay for it and the means to travel to Thailand. I am
disappointed but not surprised by this, given that some surgeons and medical
centers can be persuaded to carry out almost any kind of surgery when
pressed by patients with sexual deviations, especially if those patients find a
psychiatrist to vouch for them. The most astonishing example is the surgeon in
England who is prepared to amputate the legs of patients who claim to find
sexual excitement in gazing at and exhibiting stumps of amputated legs. At
any rate, we at Hopkins hold that official psychiatry has good evidence to
argue against this kind of treatment and should begin to close down the
practice everywhere.
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For children with birth defects the most rational approach at this moment is to
correct promptly any of the major urological defects they face, but to postpone
any decision about sexual identity until much later, while raising the child
according to its genetic sex. Medical caretakers and parents can strive to make
the child aware that aspects of sexual identity will emerge as he or she grows.
Settling on what to do about it should await maturation and the child’s
appreciation of his or her own identity.

Proper care, including good parenting, means helping the child through the
medical and social difficulties presented by the genital anatomy but in the
process protecting what tissues can be retained, in particular the gonads. This
effort must continue to the point where the child can see the problem of a life
role more clearly as a sexually differentiated individual emerges from within.
Then as the young person gains a sense of responsibility for the result, he or
she can be helped through any surgical constructions that are desired. Genuine
informed consent derives only from the person who is going to live with the
outcome and cannot rest upon the decisions of others who believe they “know
best.”

How are these ideas now being received? I think tolerably well. The
“transgender” activists (now often allied with gay liberation movements) still
argue that their members are entitled to whatever surgery they want, and they
still claim that their sexual dysphoria represents a true conception of their
sexual identity. They have made some protests against the diagnosis of
autogynephilia as a mechanism to generate demands for sex-change
operations, but they have offered little evidence to refute the diagnosis.
Psychiatrists are taking better sexual histories from those requesting sex-
change and are discovering more examples of this strange male exhibitionist
proclivity.

Much of the enthusiasm for the quick-fix approach to birth defects expired
when the anecdotal evidence about the much-publicized case of a male twin
raised as a girl proved to be bogus. The psychologist in charge hid, by actually
misreporting, the news that the boy, despite the efforts of his parents to treat
him and raise him as a girl, had constantly challenged their treatment of him,
ultimately found out about the deception, and restored himself as a male.
Sadly, he carried an additional diagnosis of major depression and ultimately
committed suicide.

I think the issue of sex-change for males is no longer one in which much can
be said for the other side. But I have learned from the experience that the
toughest challenge is trying to gain agreement to seek empirical evidence for
opinions about sex and sexual behavior, even when the opinions seem on their
face unreasonable. One might expect that those who claim that sexual identity
has no biological or physical basis would bring forth more evidence to persuade
others. But as I’ve learned, there is a deep prejudice in favor of the idea that
nature is totally malleable.

Without any fixed position on what is given in human nature, any manipulation
of it can be defended as legitimate. A practice that appears to give people what
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they want—and what some of them are prepared to clamor for—turns out to
be difficult to combat with ordinary professional experience and wisdom. Even
controlled trials or careful follow-up studies to ensure that the practice itself is
not damaging are often resisted and the results rejected.

I have witnessed a great deal of damage from sex-reassignment. The children

transformed from their male constitution into female roles suffered prolonged
distress and misery as they sensed their natural attitudes. Their parents
usually lived with guilt over their decisions—second-guessing themselves and
somewhat ashamed of the fabrication, both surgical and social, they had
imposed on their sons. As for the adults who came to us claiming to have
discovered their “true” sexual identity and to have heard about sex-change
operations, we psychiatrists have been distracted from studying the causes
and natures of their mental misdirections by preparing them for surgery and
for a life in the other sex. We have wasted scientific and technical resources
and damaged our professional credibility by collaborating with madness rather
than trying to study, cure, and ultimately prevent it.

(Paul McHugh is University Distinguished Service Professor of Psychiatry at

Johns Hopkins University.)

The Emperor’s New Gender

By Erica Henry, an African-American perspective

(Copyright 2008 Street Law)

People with gender identity disorder have thoughts and feelings that fall
outside of traditional gender norms, which cause them to assume that they
were born in the wrong body.

This argument would be similar to claims by African-Americans during slavery

or segregation that they were meant to be born with white skin instead of
brown because they entertained thoughts and feelings of freedom and
equality.

Assuming a gender identity that is in contradiction to one’s biological reality

begs a suspension of disbelief, like that required when watching a theatrical
production. People with gender identity disorder believe – and expect everyone
else to believe – a fairy-tale that simply isn’t true.

When we cooperate with a person’s gender delusion and grant it privileges

under law, the rights of other will be violated.

During the era of segregation, the prevailing delusion was that African-
Americans were not people. This perception spawned the oppressive Jim Crow
laws that restricted travel, commerce, education, and economic development
opportunities for blacks.

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Segregation demanded that blacks go to the back of the bus and give priority
seating to whites because of the belief by whites that blacks were not people.
Today’s transgender legislation requires that biological females, in order to
protect their privacy, give priority use of restrooms, showers and locker rooms
to males who believe they are female.

A small child in “The Emperor’s New Clothes” was the only one with the
courage to tell the truth about the king’s delusion. Will today’s youth expose
the contemporary version of this old tale by nonviolently changing public policy
to protect their rights as did the youth of the 1960s, or will they deny reality
and live under the legal constraints posed by this type of legislation?

The Myth of the Gay Gene

By Nicanor Pier Giorgio Austriaco

(December 2003 issue of Homiletic and Pastoral Review)

All the scientific evidence to date has not conclusively proven that
genes determine homosexual orientation in human beings.

In the past year, the clergy pedophilia scandal has reignited the debate over
homosexuality. 1 The Catholic Church’s millennia-old teaching is clear:
Homosexual activity is immoral because it is contrary to nature. 2 Not
surprisingly, however, this counter-cultural position has come under much
criticism in recent decades not only within the Church but also within other
ecclesial communions. 3 One popular argument that is often put forward by
revisionists is that the Church’s stance should be re-evaluated in light of new
scientific evidence which suggest that homosexuality is a genetically inherited
condition that is a permanent state. 4 Thus, it is claimed, homosexuality
should be accepted as a natural variant within a wide spectrum of gender
identities and sexual orientations, a manifestation of the richness of God’s
creation. 5

This essay will respond to this revisionist argument in three ways. First, it will
critically examine the scientific evidence that has been used to argue for the
genetic origins of homosexuality. In recent years, the scientific reports that
originally proposed the existence of the so-called gay gene have been seriously
questioned and discredited. Thus, today, the widely held belief that a single
human gene exists that determines homosexual orientation remains a myth.
Next, it will investigate the claim that homosexuality is both permanent and
nonpathological by reviewing four recent studies that suggest that this may not
the case. First, a study authored by Robert Spitzer, a leading figure in the
1973 American Psychiatric Association (APA) decision that removed
homosexuality from the official diagnostic manual of mental disorders, has now
shown that with some form of reparative therapy, a few persons whose sexual
orientation had been predominantly or exclusively homosexual became
predominantly or exclusively heterosexual. Thus, it appears that at least in
select cases, the homosexual orientation is not as permanent a state as it has
been touted to be. Second, three independent studies published in the past
four years have also shown that homosexual and bisexual men and women are
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at greater risk of suicide and overall mental health problems than their
heterosexual counterparts. These studies suggest that contrary to claims
advanced by gay activists, homosexually active persons as a group appear to
be less psychologically healthy than the general population. Finally, this essay
will review the ethical argument that used the flawed scientific data to justify
homosexual behavior. This argument is flawed, because it endorses too much.
In fact, the same argument could be used to excuse many human behaviors
that are immoral. Not insignificantly, one of these behaviors would include
rape.

Is There a Human Gay Gene?

Revisionists often cite three scientific studies published in the early 1990s to
prove that homosexuality is a genetically inherited condition. It is now clear
that there were scientific problems with each of these reports that undermine
the validity of their conclusions. 6

First, in August of 1991, Simon LeVay, a scientist at the Salk Institute in San
Diego, reported that a group of neurons in the hypothalamic region of the
brain appeared to be twice as large in heterosexual men than in homosexual
men. 7 Previous studies had suggested that the hypothalamus is a region of
the brain involved in the regulation of sexual behavior in non-human primates.
Furthermore, other studies had shown that these neurons are larger in men
then in women. Thus, LeVay concluded that sexual orientation had a biological
basis.

There are three problems with LeVay’s paper. First, LeVay compared the brain
structures of 19 homosexual men with the brain structures of 16 men whom he
presumed were heterosexual. However, he was unable to confirm the
heterosexuality of the men in his control group. Significantly, six of these 16
presumed heterosexual men had died from AIDS, a disease whose
transmission is often associated with homosexual behavior! Thus, it would not
be surprising if some of LeVay’s presumed heterosexual men were in fact,
homosexuals, a possibility which would seriously discredit the conclusions of
his study. Second, LeVay obtained his brain samples from homosexual men
who had all died from AIDS. In contrast, for his control group, he obtained
brain samples from men who had died not only from AIDS (6 subjects) but
also from a diversity of other causes (10 subjects). As LeVay himself
acknowledged, however, this raises a legitimate scientific question: Could the
differences in the sizes of the neurons have been caused not by sexual
orientation but by AIDS? This certainly is a possibility that was not definitively
ruled out the study. Finally, LeVay concluded that the differences in neuronal
size could explain homosexuality. In other words, they could be linked to a
biological cause for a homosexual orientation. This, however, is an illegitimate
conclusion arising from faulty logic. One alternative explanation for the
differences in the sizes of the neurons in the hypothalamus is that homosexual
behavior is the cause for rather than the effect of the difference in neuron size.
To illustrate this, let us say that a scientist tells you that he has discovered
that there is a difference in the size of the bicep muscles between weight lifters
and pianists.
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Furthermore, he concludes that the large muscle mass is the cause for these
men becoming muscle builders. What would you say? Would you not respond
by pointing out that it is more likely to be the case that the large muscle mass
was in fact not the cause for but the effect of muscle training? In the same
way, LeVay’s study was unable to rule out the possibility that homosexual
behavior was not caused by, but rather, caused the differences in neuronal cell
size. In sum, in light of these significant problems, it is difficult to conclude
with any certainty that homosexual orientation is caused in any way by the
neurons of the hypothalamus.

Second, in December of 1991, John M. Bailey and Richard C. Pillard, reported

that it was more likely for both identical twins to be homosexual than it is for
both fraternal twins or for both adopted brothers. 8 They found that 52% (29
pairs out of 56) of the identical twins were both homosexual; 22% (12 pairs
out of 54) of the fraternal twins were both homosexual; and 11% (6 of 57) of
the adoptive brothers where both homosexual. Thus, Bailey and Pillard
concluded that there is a genetic cause for homosexuality.

Again, there were significant problems with the study. First, if homosexuality is
genetically determined, why did only 52% of the identical twins share the
same sexual orientation? How about the other 48% of the twins who differed in
their sexual orientation? How do we account for them? Second and more
importantly, the study was based upon a sample of twins which was not
random. As critics have pointed out, Bailey and Pillard did not rule out the
possibility that they had preferentially recruited twins were both brothers were
gay by advertising in homosexual newspapers and magazines rather than in
periodicals intended for the general public. Indeed, it now appears that
preferential recruitment did occur in the 1991 study – a more recent 2000
study by Bailey and his colleagues, using volunteers recruited, not from the
gay community but from the Australian Twin Registry, revealed that only 20%
and not 52% of identical twins share the same homosexual orientation. 9

This is not as significant a difference between identical and fraternal twins as

earlier reported. Thus, as the authors of the 2000 paper conclude, it is very
difficult to distinguish the genetic from the environmental influences on sexual
orientation.

The third and most publicized study suggesting a genetic link for homosexual
orientation was a paper published by Dean Hamer and his colleagues at the
National Institutes of Health. The researchers studied 40 pairs of homosexual
brothers and concluded that some cases of homosexuality could be linked to a
specific region on the human X chromosome (Xq28) inherited from the mother
to her homosexual son. 1 0 This study has come under much criticism – the
Office of Research Integrity of the Department of Health and Human Services
even investigated Hamer for alleged fraud in this study though it eventually
cleared him 11 – and most significantly, has never been reproduced.

In fact, two subsequent studies of other homosexual brothers have since

concluded that there is no evidence that male sexual orientation is influenced
by an X-linked gene. 12
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In sum, all the scientific evidence to date has not conclusively proven that
genes determine homosexual orientation in human beings. The existence of a
human gay gene remains a scientific myth. Thus gay activists are incorrect
when they insist that science has proven that an individual with homosexual
inclinations is “born that way.”

Is Homosexuality a Permanent Orientation?

Another claim often associated with the revisionist position that challenges the
Church’s teaching is that homosexuality is a permanent state. A recent study,
however, has challenged the truth of this belief. In a paper to be published in
the journal, Archives of Sexual Behavior, Dr. Robert L. Spitzer, Professor of
Psychiatry at Columbia University and chairman of the 1973 APA committee
which recommended that homosexuality be removed from the official
diagnostic manual of mental disorders, interviewed men and women who had
experienced a significant shift from homosexual to heterosexual attraction and
had sustained this shift for at least five years. 13 To his surprise, he
discovered that contrary to his own expectations, some highly motivated
individuals, using a variety of change efforts, were able to make a substantial
change in multiple indicators of sexual orientation and achieve good
heterosexual functioning. 14

In his study of 200 individuals, Spitzer reported that after their change efforts,
17% of the men and 55% of the women interviewed claimed that they were
now exclusively heterosexual in their orientation. Furthermore, 66% of the
men and 44% of the women also reported that they had achieved good
heterosexual functioning defined in the study as being in a sustained
heterosexual relationship within the past year, rating emotional satisfaction
from the relationship a seven or higher on a 10-point scale, and having
satisfying heterosexual sex at least monthly. The study concluded that some
change in sexual orientation is possible. It is the latest and the most
sophisticated study that has shown that some change in sexual orientation is
possible after therapy. 15

Finally, two points should be made here to put the findings of the Spitzer study
in a proper context. First, i t is important to note that the subjects in the
Spitzer study were not chosen at random from among homosexuals who had
gone through therapy. Thus, the results should not be considered typical. As
Spitzer himself remarked, a significant majority of his subjects were "highly
motivated" to change. Second, given the difficulty he had in finding volunteers
for his study, Spitzer has acknowledged that a complete change in sexual
orientation is probably uncommon. Rather, according to Spitzer, a better way
to conceptualize "sexual reorientation" is to see it as the diminishing of
unwanted homosexual potential with a concomitant increase in the
heterosexual potential of a particular individual.

Since the study was made public at the annual meeting of APA on May 9,
2001, the conclusions of Spitzer’s report have been heavily criticized both in
the media and on the Internet. Typically, there are two main objections.

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First, critics charge that the study did not include data on the subjects’ original
sexual orientation. 16 Thus, they assert that the study could not rule out the
possibility that all the individuals interviewed were not true homosexuals, who
by definition are persons who are sexually attracted exclusively to members of
the same sex. Hence, these critics assert that the study was probably limited
to individuals who had had a bisexual orientation and had previously engaged
in at least some homosexual activity. After therapy, these critics propose that
the subjects remained bisexual though they now feel that they have
successfully developed a relationship with a person of the opposite gender.
Thus, they conclude that the sexual orientation of the subjects really did not
change.

To respond to these critics, we should note that the study did report that 42%
of the men and 46% of the women interviewed said that they were exclusively
homosexual before they engaged in the reparative therapy. Furthermore, only
9% of the men and 26% of the women had opposite sex masturbatory
fantasies before their treatment. Together, both these results do indicate that
prior to therapy a significant number of the subjects were probably not
bisexually orientated as the critics charge.

Second, critics charge that the study was limited to a very select group of
individuals that is not representative of the gay community. The subjects were
predominantly Evangelical Christians associated with groups who condemn
homosexuality: Of those who participated in the study, 78 percent had spoken
publicly in favor of efforts to convert homosexuals to heterosexuality; 93
percent said religion was "extremely" or "very" important in their lives. Critics
conclude that these subjects were atypical and thus cannot be compared to the
majority of persons in the gay community. To support their claim, critics
contrast Spitzer’s study with another study reported by psychologists, Ariel
Shidlo and Michael Schroeder, who found that the vast majority of the subjects
in their group, individuals recruited through the Internet and direct mailings to
groups advocating reparative therapy, reported failure in their efforts to
change through reparative therapies. 17 As one commentator has noted, the
members of this second study were probably not Christian since the study was
supported by a pro-gay advocacy group. 18 Hence, these critics conclude that
the Spitzer study is biased and thus, unreliable.

Some even charge that the subjects of Spitzer’s study, given their anti-gay
sentiments, probably lied about their behavior and exaggerated their success
stories by constructing elaborate self-deceptive narratives.

To respond to these critics, Spitzer points out several things. First, if there was
significant bias, one might expect that many subjects would report complete or
near complete change in all sexual orientation criteria after therapy. Only 11%
of the males and 37% of the females did so. One might also expect that many
subjects would report a rapid onset of change in sexual feelings after starting
therapy. In fact, subjects reported that it took, on average, a full two years
before they noticed a change in sexual feelings. Next, if systematic bias was
present, one would expect that the magnitude of the bias for females would be
similar to that for males. However, marked gender differences were found.
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These gender differences are consistent with previously published literature
suggesting greater female plasticity in sexual orientation. Thus, Spitzer
concludes that it is reasonable to believe that the subjects’ self-reports in this
study were by-and-large credible and that probably few, if any, elaborated
self-deceptive narratives or lied. Finally, we should not neglect to point out
that the importance of Christian faith in those subjects who were capable of
reorientating their sexual behavior, rather than pointing to bias, may be proof
that grace is a necessary element for any successful reparative therapy. As the
Sacred Congregation for Doctrine of the Faith correctly noted, “As in every
conversion from evil, the abandonment of homosexual activity will require a
profound collaboration of the individual with God’s liberating grace.” 19

Is the Homosexual Lifestyle a Healthy One?

Finally, revisionists often claim that both homosexual behavior and the
homosexual lifestyle are completely harmless to the homosexual and to society
at large. Activists pushing this perspective often point to the 1973 decision of
the APA that removed homosexuality from the official diagnostic manual of
mental disorders as support for their position. Three recent papers published in
the peer-reviewed and well-respected journal, Archives of General Psychiatry,
have now challenged this decision. In the first study, Herrell et al. used a
powerful technique, the co-twin control method to look at the psychological
health of homosexual men. 20 They studied 103 middle-aged male-male twin
pairs where one brother reported male sex partners after age 18 years while
the other did not.

The study concluded that on average, male homosexuals were 5 times more
likely to show suicide-related behavior or thoughts than their heterosexual
counterparts. Significantly, most of the findings were valid even after the
researchers accounted for the influence of substance abuse and depressive
symptoms other than suicidality. The second study followed a large New
Zealand group from birth to their early twenties. 21

Corroborating the first study, this independent report showed a significant

increase of depression, anxiety disorder, conduct disorder, substance abuse
and thoughts about suicide among those who were homosexually active. As
one scientist commentator has pointed out, these two studies “contain
arguably the best published data on the association between homosexuality
and psychopathology, and both converge on the same unhappy conclusion:
homosexual people are at a substantially higher risk for some forms of
emotional problems, including suicidality, major depression, and anxiety
disorder.” 22 Finally, the third and most recent paper showed that there was
an increase in mental health problems associated with homosexual persons in
the Netherlands. 23

Remarkably, HIV status was not a factor. The authors of this study suggested
that pressure from society may be a significant cause for the higher incidence
of mental health problems found in homosexual persons. As one commentator
has pointed out, however, this is not a persuasive argument because the
observed differences in mental health status between homosexuals and
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heterosexuals are just as great in the Netherlands and in New Zealand, two
societies which are relatively more tolerant of homosexuality, as they are in
the United States, a society which is relatively not as tolerant. 24 If social
ostracism is indeed a significant factor in influencing the mental health status
of homosexual persons, then one would expect to see differences among
societies with varying tolerances to homosexuality.

Can Homosexuality Ever Be Considered Natural?

According to revisionist theologians and gay activists, homosexuality is natural

because it is genetic, permanent and nonpathological. As we have seen,
however, scientific evidence exists to challenge all three of these assertions.
Nevertheless, we should also acknowledge that it is still possible that some
future study could discover a genuine link between a person’s genetic makeup
and his sexual orientation. For one, numerous reports have now shown that
homosexual behavior is more common in animals than previously suspected.
25 More likely than not, this behavior is probably rooted in the genetic
constitution of these creatures.

Furthermore, fruit flies have also been described whose sexual behavior has
been altered because of a single genetic mutation that induces homosexual
courtship in males. 26 These mutant male flies attempt to mate with other
males rather than with females. Therefore, given these observations, it would
not be surprising if genetics did play some role in influencing human sexual
behavior. Hence, the questions arise: Would a future discovery of an authentic
human gay gene undermine the Church’s moral teaching that prohibits
homosexual activity? Would such a discovery not prove the revisionist
argument that homosexual activity is natural and therefore not immoral? The
answer to both these questions is no. To see why, we need to understand the
moral reasoning that grounds the Church’s teaching on human sexuality.

The Church’s teaching on human sexuality is rooted in human reason illumined

by faith. It attempts to do justice to the rich reality of the human person,
created by God in his spiritual and bodily dimensions and heir, by grace, to
eternal life. The Church teaches that as embodied spiritual creatures, human
beings were created male and female so that in the complementarity of the
sexes, they can reflect the inner unity of the Creator. This was recognized and
confirmed by the Lord Jesus who instituted the sacrament of marriage to
celebrate the divine plan of the loving and life-giving union of men and women.
Therefore, as the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches: “Sexuality, by
means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the
acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not something simply
biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is
realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which
a man and a woman commit themselves totally to one another until death.” 27
The Catechism goes on to say that in the conjugal act, “the spouses’ union
achieves the twofold end of marriage: the good of the spouses themselves,
and the transmission of life. These two meanings or values of marriage cannot
be separated without altering the couple’s spiritual life and compromising the
goods of marriage and the future of the family. The conjugal love of man and
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woman thus stands under the twofold obligation of fidelity and fecundity.” 28
Thus, sexual activity is properly reserved to marriage, defined here as the
permanent and lifelong union between one man and one woman.

Seen within the context of the Church’s vision of authentic human sexuality,
homosexual activity is immoral because it is contrary to the creative wisdom of
God and as such is unnatural. 29 To choose someone of the same sex for one’s
sexual activity is to annul the rich symbolism and meaning, not to mention the
goals, of the Creator’s sexual design. Same-sex union is not complementary
union. It is unable to transmit life and so thwarts the call to a life of that form
of self-giving which the Gospel says is the essence of Christian living. In other
words, the union in same-sex union can never be the complete and total self-
gift properly that is properly associated with the conjugal act because same-
sex partners can never share their powers to procreate. The Church does note,
however, that this does not mean that homosexual persons are not often
generous and giving of themselves. However, when they engage in
homosexual activity, they confirm within themselves a disordered sexual
inclination that is essentially self-indulgent. It is behavior that prevents the
human person from attaining his own fulfillment and happiness because it is
contrary to the creative wisdom of God.

Returning to the questions raised by a possible future discovery of an authentic

human gay gene, it is critical to realize that the Church’s teaching is not based
upon a purely biological understanding of human nature. The human being is a
person and not simply another animal.

Thus, any authentic vision of human sexuality has to be rooted in a personalist

understanding of the human person that does not lose sight of the truth that
the human person is an embodied creature. As Pope John Paul II has noted,
the natural law is called the natural law not because it refers to a generic
nature common to all animal species but because it refers specifically to man’s
proper and primordial nature, the “nature of the human person,” which is the
person himself in the unity of soul and body, in the unity of his spiritual and
biological inclinations and of all the other specific characteristics necessary for
the pursuit of his end. 30 A man is created to give himself to a woman and
vice versa. This is a truth inscribed in the very structure of their bodies.
Neither the discovery of a gene for homosexual orientation nor the existence of
homosexual behavior in non-human animal species changes this. The
revisionist argument that attempts to use evidence from biology to justify
homosexual activity is flawed because it fails to acknowledge that we are
embodied persons, with both spiritual and biological inclinations that need to
be respected and realized.

The revisionist argument is also flawed because it would allow too much. Gay
activists often assert that homosexuality is natural because homosexual
behavior has been observed in non-human animals. Recent research has also
shown, however, that rape – called forced copulation by sociobiologists is
common in nature. 31 For instance in wild orangutans, most copulations by
immature males and almost half of all copulations by adult males occur after
fierce female resistance has been violently overcome by the male. 32
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According to the revisionist argument, the common occurrence of rape in other
animal species would suggest that rape even in human societies should be
considered natural. But this is false. Human sexuality involves free acts of self-
giving which are best manifested in the complementary union of bodily persons
that occurs during marital love. Regardless of what happens elsewhere in the
animal kingdom, both rape and homosexual behavior are incompatible with an
authentic understanding human personhood. They are unnatural because both
are violations of our natures as embodied spiritual creatures. Both fail to
realize the total self-gift of persons that ought to accompany every sexual act.
We are persons and this makes all the difference in the world.

Conclusion

Science is often used to argue that the Church needs to revise her teaching on
homosexuality. Ironically, recent research has now suggested that many of the
presuppositions accepted as dogma by gay activists in our society may
themselves have to be revised. At the time of this writing, there is still no
conclusive evidence that homosexuality is genetically determined. Thus, it is
still impossible to know whether someone who has homosexual inclinations
was in fact “born that way.” Next, as Dr. Robert Epstein, the editor-in-chief of
Psychology Today pointed out in a recent editorial, the newly published
scientific data reviewed in this essay suggest that there is a need to reopen the
question – can gays change? – and revisit the issue of sexual conversion and
ex-gays. 33 Reparative therapy may be more successful than previously
acknowledged especially when it is coupled with religious faith.

Finally, the claim that homosexuals are as mentally healthy as heterosexuals is

simply not true. Though the source of the psychopathology is not yet clear,
homosexual activity is associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety
disorder, conduct disorder, substance abuse and suicide.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

I thank Christopher M. McCullough and the members of the Young Adult Group
of the Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle in Washington, DC, for providing
the motivation for the researching and writing of this article; Dr. Richard L.
Spitzer of Columbia University, for an advance copy of his paper; and Professor
William E. May and several of my Dominican brothers for helpful comments on
the manuscript.

NOTES

1 As the task force of the Catholic Medical Association on homosexuality has

pointed out, the clergy pedophilia scandal is really a homosexuality scandal
since 90% of the cases of priestly sexual abuse of males are with adolescents.
See Task Force on Homosexuality of the Catholic Medical Association, “A
Contribution to the Debate About the Ordination of Homosexuals,” Linacre
Quarterly 69 (2002): 190-197, p. 191. A study of sex abuse cases carried out
by The New York Times reports that for 80% of the cases where the
information is available, it is clear that the abuse victims were male. This
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percentage is nearly opposite for laypeople accused of abuse. Their victims are
mostly female. See Laurie Goodstein, “Trail of Pain in Church Crisis Leads to
Nearly Every Diocese,” The New York Times, January 12, 2003, p. 20.

2 “Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of

grave depravity (cf. Gen. 19:1-29; Rom. 1:24-27; 1 Cor 6:10; 1 Tim 1:10),
tradition has always declared that homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered.
They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of
life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity.
Under no circumstances can they be approved.” Catechism of the Catholic
Church, no. 2357. Also see the magisterial document, Letter to the Bishops of
the Catholic Church on the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons published by
the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Origins 16 (1986): 377-
382.

3 For discussion, see Keith Hartman, Congregations in Conflict: The Battle

Over Homosexuality (New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press, 1996). For
a recent and extensive review of the debate among Catholic moral theologians,
see James F. Keenan, SJ, “The Open Debate: Moral Theology and the Lives of
Gay and Lesbian Persons,” Theological Studies 64 (2003): 127-150.

4 For example, Chandler Burr has written: “Five decades of psychiatric

evidence demonstrates that homosexuality is immutable and nonpathological,
and a growing body of more recent evidence implicates biology in the
development of sexual orientation. Some would ask: How can one justify
discriminating against people on the basis of such a characteristic? And many
would answer: One cannot.” See his “Homosexuality and Biology,” in
Homosexuality in the Church, ed. Jeffrey S. Siker. (Louisville: Westminster
John Knox Press, 1994), p. 132.

5 As psychotherapist and former Jesuit priest, John J. McNeill has stated: “I

proposed instead that God so created humans that they develop with a great
variety of both gender identities and sexual-object choices. […] Always and
everywhere, a certain percentage of men and women develop as homosexuals
or lesbians. They should be considered as part of God’s creative plan.” See his
“Homosexuality: Challenging the Church to Grow” in Homosexuality in the
Church, ed. Jeffrey S. Siker. (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 1994),
p. 50. Also see his often cited book, The Church and the Homosexual 4 th edn.
(Boston: Beacon Press, 1994).

6 For an insightful critique of these studies written before some of the newer
scientific papers mentioned in this essay were published, see Jeffrey Satinover,
“The Biology of Homosexuality: Science or Politics?” in Homosexuality and
American Public Life, ed. Christopher Wolfe (Dallas: Spence Publishing
Company, 1999), pp. 3-61.

7 Simon LeVay, “A Difference in Hypothalamic Structure Between Heterosexual

and Homosexual Men,” Science 253 (1991): 1034-1037.

208
8 J. M. Bailey and R. C. Pillard, “A Genetic Study of Male Sexual Orientation,”
Archives of General Psychiatry 48 (1991): 1089-1096.

9 J. Michael Bailey, Michael P. Dunne, and Nicholas G. Martin, “Genetic and

Environmental Influences on Sexual Orientation and Its Correlates in an
Australian Twin Sample,” J. Personal Social Psychology 78 (2000): 524-536.

10 D. H. Hamer et al., “A Linkage Between DNA Markers on the X Chromosome

and Male Sexual Orientation,” Science 261 (1993): 321-327. Also see the
follow-up paper, S. Hu et al., “Linkage between sexual orientation and
chromosome Xq28 in males but not in females,” Nat Genet 11 (1995): 248-
256; and Dean Hamer’s book, The Science of Desire: The Search for the Gay
Gene and the Biology of Behavior (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994).

11 “No Misconduct in ‘Gay Gene’ Study,” Science 275 (1997): 1251.

12 J. M. Bailey et al., “A Family History Study of Male Sexual Orientation Using

Three Independent Samples,” Behavior Genetics 29 (1999): 79-86; and G.
Rice et al., “Male homosexuality: absence of linkage to microsatellite markers
at Xq28,” Science 284 (1999): 665-667.

13 Robert L. Spitzer, “Can Some Gay Men and Lesbians Change Their Sexual
Orientation? 200 Subjects Reporting a Change from Homosexual to
Heterosexual Orientation,” Archives of Sexual Behavior, forthcoming.

14 For a comprehensive and recent overview of reparative therapy for male

homosexuality, see Joseph Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy of Male
Homosexuality: A New Clinical Approach (Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, Inc.,
1997). For case stories of reparative therapy, see Joseph Nicolosi, Healing
Homosexuality: Case Stories of Reparative Therapy (Northvale, NJ: Jason
Aronson, Inc., 1993).

15 For a review of the literature, see Warren Throckmorton, “ Initial empirical

and clinical findings concerning the change process for ex-gays,” Professional
Psychology: Research & Practice 33 (2002): 242-248.

16 For a typical critique of the Spitzer study, see B. A. Robinson, “Analysis of

Dr. Spitzer’s Study of Reparative Therapy” at
http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_spit.htm. Last accessed on February
19, 2003.

17 Ariel Shidlo and Michael Schroeder, “Changing sexual orientation: A

consumer’s report,” Professional Psychology: Research & Practice 33 (2002):
249-259.

18 See B.A. Robinson, “Studies of Reparative and Similar Therapies: An

Overview” at http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_exod2.htm. Last
accessed on March 7, 2003.

19 CDF, On the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons, no. 11.

209
20 R. Herrell et al., “Sexual orientation and suicidality: a co-twin control study
in adult men,” Arch. Gen. Psychiatry 56 (1999): 867-874.

21 D. M. Fergusson, L.J. Horwood and A. L. Beautrais, “Is sexual orientation

related to mental health problems and suicidality in young people?” Arch. Gen.
Psychiatry 56 (1999): 876-880.

22 J. Michael Bailey, “Homosexuality and Mental Illness,” Arch Gen.

Psychicatry 56 (1999): 883-884, p. 883.

23 T.G. M. Sandfort et al., “Same-sex sexual behavior and psychiatric

disorders,” Arch. Gen. Psychiatry 58 (2001): 85-91.

24 N.E. Whitehead, “Homosexuality and Mental Health Problems,” NARTH

bulletin 11(2002):25-28. Available at www.narth.com/docs/whitehead.html.
Last accessed on March 7, 2003.

25 For an exhaustive survey of these animal studies, see Bruce Bagemihl,

Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity (New York:
St. Martin’s Press, 2000).

26 L. C. Ryner et al., “Control of male sexual behavior and sexual orientation

in Drosophila by the fruitless gene,” Cell 87 (1996): 1079-1089.

27CCC, no. 2361.

28CCC, no. 2363.

29 This paragraph is indebted to the magisterial document, On the Pastoral

Care of Homosexual Persons, no. 7. For a comprehensive explanation and
defense of the Church’s teaching on homosexuality, see Mark S. Latkovic, “
Homosexuality, Morality, and the Truth of Church Teaching,” The Catholic
Truth 6 (2000): 29-33. Available at
http://www.catholic.net/rcc/Periodicals/Faith/Jan-Feb00/Morality.html. Last
accessed on March 7, 2003. Also see the excellent book by John F. Harvey,
OSFS, The Truth about Homosexuality: The Cry of the Faithful (San Francisco:
Ignatius Press, 1996). Veritatis splendor, no. 50.

30Veritatis splendor, no. 50.

31 For a review of the literature, see T.H. Clutton-Brock and G.A. Parker,
“Sexual Coercion in Animal Societies,” Anim. Beh. 49 (1995): 1345-1365.

32 J.C. Mitani, “Mating Behaviour of Male Orangutans in the Kutai Reserve,

Indonesia” Anim. Beh. 33 (1985): 392-402.

33 Robert Epstein, "Editorial: Am I Anti-Gay?" Psychology Today 36 (2003): 7-

8

210
Fr. Nicanor Pier Giorgio Austriaco, O.P., received his Ph.D. in Biology from
M.I.T. in 1996 and his S.T.L. from the Dominican House of Studies in 2005. He
currently serves as an assistant professor of biology and adjunct professor of
theology at Providence College in Providence, Rhode Island.

http://pfox.org/Gays-Hating-Ex-Gays.html

New Hate Crimes Bill Threatens Heterosexuals

Contact: Greg Quinlan, Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX)
513-435-1125 PFOX@pfox.org

Hate Crimes Bill Introduced in Congress

GAYS HATING EX-GAYS

A commentary by ex-gay Greg Quinlan

Washington D.C. - April 7, 2009/ What happens when ex-gays dare to come
out of the closet? When I helped staff the exhibit booth for the Ex-Gay
Educators Caucus at the National Education Association conference in June
2006, Wayne Besen, the former spokesperson for the gay Human Rights
Campaign, approached our booth and began to insult us for having the
audacity to live as heterosexuals. He took photos of our booth for his ex-gay
bashing website which targets the ex-gay community for ridicule and
harassment. Mr. Besen and gay rights organizations do not believe ex-gays are
entitled to the same rights and respect that gays currently enjoy. They picket
ex-gay conferences and protest vigorously against ex-gay equal access.

In his continuing zeal to discredit the ex-gay community, Besen likes to bully
ex-gays by insisting that we still look "gay." When he was Director of
Communications for the Human Rights Campaign, Besen delighted in telling
me to "butch up" so "normal people" wouldn't think I'm still "gay." See his
emails for yourself at http://pfox.org/Human-Rights-Campaign-Hate-Against-
Ex-Gays.pdf

At the conference, Besen stuck his finger in my face and called me a "fu*king
faggot," "fu*king cocksu*ker," "fu*king fag bastard," "fu*king nellie fairy," and
so on. I guess he skipped the tolerance class where school kids learn to
appreciate diversity and gays. "You're still having gay sex," he yelled at me.
We had to call security to escort him out of the convention hall because we
were scared for our safety.

Hate against ex-gays like me is all too common. What's going to happen when
Congress passes the national Hate Crimes Prevention Act for gays? It was
introduced last week in the House of Representatives by Rep. John Conyers
(D-MI) and Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL).

With their hate officially protected by law, gay rights groups will force ex-gays
into the closet. Homosexuals will determine heterosexuality by censoring any

211
ex-gay speech or behavior they disagree with as "hateful," "discriminatory,"
"intimidation," "bullying," "dangerous," or leading to "spiritual and physical
violence." We know because this is what they already label us. Fighting "hate"
and "discrimination" against gays has become a euphemism for attacks against
ex-gays and their supporters.

Think twice, America. Do you want to give gay activists like Besen the right to
hate under the guise of a "civil rights" protection? Besen has now aligned
himself with Lambda Legal, the nation's oldest and largest attorneys group
"working for the civil rights of lesbians and gay men." Lambda Legal has offices
and lawyers across the country.

While you still can, please stand up for the equal rights of the ex-gay
community. Unpopular minorities like former homosexuals deserve the right to
be free and out in society. The violence and hate spewed against heterosexuals
after they voted against genderless marriage last fall is proof that a politically
powerful and wealthy group like homosexuals can scare us into silence. Let's
not be silent.

###

See http://pfox.org/about_us.html for more information about the ex-gay

community.

Greg Quinlan is a director of Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX).

Mr. Quinlan is available for media interviews at 513-435-1125 or

pfox@pfox.org

DVD Review

The Donnie McClurkin Story – From Darkness to Light

“Grammy award-winning gospel singer Donnie McClurkin rose from the

harshest depths of life to become one of the most celebrated performers of the
genre. This documentary charts his rise to the top and gives a glimpse into the
enormous challenges he had to overcome before he made it big.” -- The
Donnie McClurkin Story

June 8, 1968 – Donnie McClurken remembers this date because it was the day
his uncle raped him when he just a little boy. “From then on, life was not the
same,” he says in this video detailing his career and life. When he was 13-
years-old, the uncle’s son molested him. Donnie explains how this started his
20-year-old battle with homosexuality.

The sexual molestation brought hurt and dysfunction into his life. “The seed of
perversion was planted through molestation,” Donnie says. “Pandora’s box was
opened and could not be closed again.”

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He sought church as a therapeutic place to escape. The “sisters” in the church
helped him with his feminine tendencies. “Men don’t sing like that – get some
bass in your voice,” the women told him. They also told him how men walk and
took the time to break some feminine tendencies he had. It took someone who
was strong enough to say, “I don’t care what they say about me, I’m going to
help that boy.” The men in church wouldn’t do it, but the women did. They
were faith filled and strong for God.

Donnie asked God, “Why did this happen to me?” Why did the childhood rape
and resulting struggle with his sexuality happen to him? God answered, “In
order for others to be saved, someone has got to be crucified.”

As a result, Donnie has never allowed his past to keep him quiet because lives
depend on him. “People don’t want to believe that you can change,” he says.
“God broke the very thing that people say today is unbreakable.”

In the video, Donnie says that the gay community labels him as dangerous and
a homophobe. But he says that if you’re involved in the gay lifestyle and are
happy, then fine. But there are some like him who were broken and in hell and
don’t want that life that for one reason or another was thrust upon them.
Some people are broken and wounded and sexually confused – that was him.

Donnie keeps on testifying despite threats, ridicule, and attacks. He says he

has to keep testifying because otherwise there’s no hope for those who want to
come out.

Donnie also talks about his relationship with Oprah, who appreciated his
talents early on.

(Reportedly, it was Oprah who encouraged him to sing at a fundraiser for then
presidential candidate Obama, which outraged gay activists.)

The Donnie McClurkin Story – From Darkness to Light is a great DVD. Musical
performances include Donnie’s multi-platinum single "We Fall Down" and
"Stand" featuring Patti LaBelle, Kirk Franklin, Marvin Winans and BeBe and
CeCe Winans. It also includes interviews with Beyonce, Knowles, Andrae
Crouch, Yolanda Adams, Steve Harvey, Magic Johnson, Bishop T.D. Jakes, and
Kelly Price.

Make sure to buy The Donnie McClurkin Story – From Darkness to Light or put
it on your Netflix list. And pray for Donnie, as he is continually under attack for
being who he is.

David Pickup

I am a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and have a

Master of Arts degree in Counseling Psychology; a member of the National
Association of Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (“NARTH”), where I
served as the Chairman of the NARTH Clients Rights Committee; a member of
the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists; an associate

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member of the American Psychological Association; the President of the
International Institute for Reorientation Therapies; and a member of the
American Association of Christian Counselors. In my professional practice, I
specialize in providing minor children with sexual orientation change efforts
(“SOCE”) counseling to help them reduce unwanted same-sex attractions and
maximize their heterosexual potential.

When I was 5 years old, I was sexually molested by a 16-year-old high

school boy who was also my neighbor. The internalization of this abuse and
having no therapist available affected my behavior and resulted in social
ostracism. I had traumatic experiences in perceiving and feeling that I was not
really a male child. When I reached puberty and for many years after it, I
found myself sexually attracted to men because of my earlier abuse. For all of
these years, I carried a feeling of immense and crushing shame for my same-
sex attractions.

During a period of twenty years following puberty, I became clinically

depressed twice, dealt with tremendous anxiety, experienced obsessive
compulsive disorder, and knew in my heart that I was very confused about my
sexual orientation and gender identity. In the latter years of this twenty-year
period, I found a course of treatment that truly helped me resolve the issues I
had been experiencing. The treatment was authentic Reparative Therapy as
created by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi.

I was never coerced or shamed into that course of treatment, and I

participated in this treatment for many years. Reparative Therapy helped
saved my life. It helped me get rid of all of the shame that I had for
experiencing homosexual feelings and actually led to the lessening and
dissipation of my homosexual attractions. The therapy helped solidify my
gender identity, which resulted in a profound increase in my self-confidence as
a man and in my self-esteem.

The therapy also allowed me to understand the nature and source of my

homosexual attractions and allowed me to do the deep emotional work that I
needed to do to experience natural and spontaneous changes. As part of the
therapy, I learned the importance of healthy male relationships. As a result of
the therapy, especially over the past 10 to 15-year period, my sexual
attractions to women increased and my homosexual attractions automatically
decreased, which signaled to me that being gay did not represent who I really
was. The journey is still ongoing for me. I rarely have homosexual attractions,
and I am very happy with the real and profound change in my sexuality that
resulted from therapy.

Many of my clients who seek SOCE counseling claim that their unwanted
same-sex attractions can be traced to abuse, trauma, neglect, and unfulfilled
gender identity needs. Much like my story, many of my clients who seek SOCE
counseling were sexually molested by a member of the same-sex.

Many of my clients, both adult and minor, are Christians and request
Christian counseling as part of the SOCE counseling that I provide. I do not
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believe that I should be prohibited from practicing my profession and my
counseling with these clients according to the sincerely-held religious beliefs
that both I and my clients have.

My clients and I have experienced numerous attempts by government

legislators, therapists, professional therapeutic organizations, gay activists and
the media to prohibit professional counselors from talk-therapy or even
discussing available treatment options that might help alleviate a client’s
unwanted same-sex attractions. I believe that the success of these insensitive
and discriminatory actions will lead to a substantial increase in depression,
anxiety, confusion, hopelessness, and even potential suicide in those clients
who desire SOCE counseling, but are unable to receive it.

Many of my clients who seek SOCE counseling have reported varying

degrees of change from homosexuality to heterosexuality as a result of
therapy. I have had clients comment that after SOCE counseling, they
understood exactly what the root cause of their unwanted same-sex attractions
was and why they struggled with those feelings. One of my clients stated, “I’m
so happy I found you and your therapy.”

I also have clients who do not want therapy for their same-sex
attractions, who know my professional opinions concerning same-sex
attractions, and still report that my therapy is very effective in helping them
deal with other issues. I do not force any type of therapy on any of my clients
because it would be unethical for me to do so. I show my clients unconditional,
positive regard and make it a priority to respect what they believe about
themselves concerning their sexual identity.

Further, any form of government law or action that makes SOCE illegal
will force me to chose between losing my license for violating the prohibition
on SOCE counseling or losing my license for not complying with Section 1.2 of
the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists Ethical Code
(“AAMFT Code”), which requires that counselors provide the patient with
significant information concerning all treatment processes that a patient might
want to know about prior to making a decision about course of treatment. I
would also be forced to chose between losing my license for violating
prohibitions on SOCE counseling or losing my license for violating Section 1.8
of the AAMFT Code, which requires that counselors must respect the wishes of
their minor clients and the general ethical principle that parents can decide the
course of treatment for their children.

These types of discriminatory laws will also force me to commit an

ethical violation by imposing a certain ideology—i.e., the government’s
ideology against SOCE counseling—on all my patients who seek SOCE
treatment because these kinds of proposed laws only permit counselors to
affirm same-sex attractions. They preclude counselors from even telling clients
with unwanted same-sex attractions that there is help available to change.
This would result in a violation of Section 1.2 of the AAMFT Code because the
client will not have entered into the agreement completely free of any undue
influence because the government will have exercised undue influence on
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these minor patients. The ethical dilemma that will be imposed on me would be
immediate and irreparable.

Also, government intervention to prevent SOCE or discriminate against

people who have made, or are making, real changes in their sexuality
improperly prevents clients from obtaining the help that they desire and that I
know, from personal experience, can benefit them. Clients who want help for
unwanted same-sex attractions should be entitled to make that decision.

Based on my own personal experience, and on my professional

experience with clients who have sought change through Reparative Therapy,
(authentic RT as created by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi), real change in sexuality is
possible. Happiness, fulfillment and mental health have been experienced by
my clients who have undergone this therapy. Sometimes, change occurs in
varying degrees for varying clients over various amounts of time. Regardless,
the goal of RT is the emergence of the authentic Self. To experience and
witness this change is profoundly moving to me as a therapist. Many of my
clients claim success in their change process. It really works.

Copyright © 2009-2013 Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays (PFOX).

Keep the Faith

After being straight for 29 years now, I look back and wonder how I was ever
gay. Two kids, a wife, all the great trappings of suburban life and unlike some
peopel claim, I don't wonder what I missed. I don't think about going to a gay
bar or sex with a man. I think about other stuff, getting leaves out of the
gutter without falling off the roof, getting enough money to pay for my
youngest son's college and getting the car to the garage for a tune-up.

I admire all those who make the change from the left hand lane...and my heart
goes out to them. I left homsexuality through psychotherapy, before it
changed. I didn't have to face a society with magazines and tv promoting the
lifestyle as something wonderful. Althougth my mother thought it was perfectly
okay and sent me to live with three gay men when I was 17.

I wasn't a Christian, I was a guy who asked, why am I queer? What makes me
this way? Do I have to be this way if I don't want to?

But now, it's cool to be gay. There are high school clubs, college clubs and gay
men and women believe in their cause. They fight for it, they seek to make
everyone believe in it by legislating, by creating safe havens, by marching,
rallies and parades. They create a beautiful spectacle of freedom from
conventional behavior. "Loud and Proud!"

So to those who seek to leave, who seek to change, I can tell you it is not
easy. Yep, I still get the occasional dream, or a thought crosses my mind and I
wonder where it came from but I'm not going to act upon it. It disappears. But
I can promise you that if you are not a Christian, there is still help out there.
But if you are a Christian then you have a God who loves you and will bring

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you wholeness, you see I believe that those who love Christ can become whole
again, as God intended. And I also think that that Dr. Alden was right when he
said that it was easier to help a homosexual than an alcoholic.

So keep faith. This is not going to be an easy fight it will be a nasty one. I
spoke out the other day and what happened afterwards was not pretty. I was
attacked because I asked a question, "What if someone doesn't want to be
gay, can they change?" at a gay tea party at the local college. I was attacked
in the parking lot of McDonald's across the street.

So what do we need to do? We work, we write letters, we bring hope to one

another. We have to share and say, "I was once gay," and then explain
yourself with clarity and reason.

We also need to support PFOX and other groups, with time, talent and money
so that they can get their programs into schools across the country. In the
end, it will be the courage of ex-gays, the belief that God will truly help and
the support of our friends and family that will push the issue to the forefront.
But as I said, it ain't easy baby and I have learned a lot.

But I want those of you who strugle with your feelings to know that I too once
struggled and suffered and in time, I changed.

God bless.

Stuart

Saved in a Gay Church

SAVED IN THE MCC CHURCH

By Jan

In 1983, things seemed to be going well for myself and my lover of nearly 7
years. Oh, we had our arguments but made up and continued on. She and I
had a business which was difficult to run because it had problems even before
we bought it. She had a daughter of around 13. We had a home and two cars.
We both worked full time jobs and made very good money. There was one
checking account between the two of us.

We were lesbians, though that was kept secret as much as possible. We

opened our place of business once a month as an outreach to other women in
our lifestyle. So this became for us a nice way to meet other lesbians.

My lesbian lover and I went to church on Sunday. You see, she was a born
again Christian when I met her. We attended MCC, the Metropolitan
Community Church. This church ministers mainly to transgendered, bisexual,
and homosexual men and women. Questionably dividing the word of God.

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Metropolitan Community Church also had a church in a larger City in our state.
I began studying the scriptures and really liked what was there. One Sunday,
the pastor, who was a lesbian, gave the invitation to receive Christ as Savior.
Her sermon touched me and brought tears. When the invitation was given, I
raised my hand. My lover was happy for me as I went to the altar. There were
about five of us. The minister had us repeat after her our renouncement of sin.
Each one of us did what she told us to do. As we left the church, I remember
getting the hand of fellowship and congratulations from other men and women
there at the MCC church.

My lover and I spoke little as we drove home. This was alright with me
because there were millions of questions in my head.

Questions that I hesitated to bring up because I knew they would not be met
with reasonable answers. "What am I doing going home with my lesbian lover
after just receiving Christ? Can I live this way and for Him as well??" I kept
quiet about my newfound relationship with Him but it was very painful. She too
was very quiet. We went home in small talk only.

No way did life go on as usual after I got saved at the Metropolitan Community
Church. Work continued, but on the way home I often yelled at God, "You can't
just leave me like this, you have to tell me the truth." I asked others and they
answered me with the idea that if God was so opposed to my lesbian lifestyle,
then why did He create me this way? And what about them?? Was God cruel?
Did He laugh at our predicament?

For many weeks I poured over the Bible searching for an answer and came up
with all the verses that spoke out against my lifestyle. Taking my bible to the
friends we had in the MCC church always got me the same such answers, "
Look at David and Jonathan, who were lovers." But deep inside me I knew that
their love was not the same as the love I had for my lover. She and I stayed
together but lovemaking was out because I couldn't bring myself to do this
anymore and found all sorts of excuses not to. Kissing was ok but nothing else.

One day, while sitting quietly watching TV, I remembered that once when we
had been fighting she had said to me, "What you need is a mother." That had
hit me at the time as an insult but now, as I thought about it, there was some
truth in what she had said. As I watched the TV, Dr. Charles Stanley appeared
on the screen speaking about the crucifixion. He was telling how Jesus took
upon Himself the sin of the whole world -- Past, Present and Future sin. I
thought of the horror of having mine laid on Him.

The next day my lover and I had a very ugly quarrel while she was getting
ready for work. I had been crying out to God for Him to tell me clearly if our
behavior was acceptable to Him. The Bible seemed clear enough but telling
someone you love that it is over is not an easy thing no matter what you
believe. There had to be definite clarity. As she got into her car she said, "You
are ruining my life". Suddenly I had the answer I needed.

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After she drove off to work, I called a good friend of mine and told him what
had happened. I was in tears. He told me to get over to his house right away;
don't call anyone else, don't go anywhere else, just get over there. He and his
wife got me into their living room and prayed for me to receive Christ again
and be free from sin. When I left I knew what I had to do.

The next morning I told her that I wanted to serve Christ so we could no
longer be lovers. We agreed to not sleep together and that she would seek
other living arrangements with her daughter. It took about a month or more.
Since I had started going to a non-MCC church, I told my new pastor who said
this was acceptable, and added me to his prayer list for protection and
wisdom. All did work out very well. I have been saved and set free from
lesbianism since 1984. My God can do all that.

Homosexuality is not immutable or innate. They who tell you otherwise are full
of pride and selfishness.

Yes, God can save anyone anywhere, even at the MCC gay Church.

Jan

My Testimony to the World

by an Ex-gay Teen

I came from a family of two church-going parents and three siblings. I was the
eldest of four sons. Taught about God since the age of accountability, I was
ready to face the world right? I thought so. Then it happened. I heard the
words that every teenager doesn’t want to hear at 15. My parents were getting
a divorce. At first I thought it was just going to pass and everything would get
better, but I was wrong. In fact, everything had just begun to “hit the fan” and
my life would be turned upside down. My life would never be the same again.

I was hurt emotionally and in need of personal attention. With the divorce
happening, my family didn’t have time for me anymore or so I thought. My
Dad had never made an effort to have a relationship with me, but I still loved,
respected, and believed in him. However, now because of the divorce I didn’t
believe in him anymore, and my respect for him was lost. I started blaming
God for my parents’ problems and for allowing my Dad to turn away from Him.
I turned my back on God and walked away. Just like my Dad had done. I had
decided to take matters regarding my life into my own hands. Taking control of
my life felt good for the moment. However when I got stuck, I lost control.

I needed attention, love, acceptance, and most of all, fulfillment of a void in

my life. I then chose to turn to males for that. I found that in a relationship
with a male I got everything I needed. At age 15 I chose to become gay. I was
turned on to everything. I had sexual relations with 10 men, got involved with
drinking alcohol, did a couple of drugs, and looked at porn on the internet. I
got my personal gratification from being around those things. It was my way of

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life. I found who I thought I was in relationships with men. I had suddenly
found my identity in the heart of the world.

At age 16 I fell in love with a man named David. I met David through a church
function. My mom and a friend of hers sang in our church choir. The church
choir was recording a song and wanted me to help get food and do other
errands when needed. My mom’s friend brought David along. That is when our
friendship started. It wasn't until a month later that we came "out" to each
other and started a relationship. We had a great relationship together and it
seemed like nothing could tear us apart. But David ended our relationship
abruptly and without any warning. David had no reason as to why or when he
decided to feel that way. It just happened. Broken hearted and emotionally
spent, I sought for something to satisfy the void that had just been created in
my life. I turned to pornography and its instant gratification. It worked for a
short time and then became a boring habit. It didn’t stop there, however, that
and other upcoming issues continued to plague my life.

I had just turned 17 and I felt on top of the world, like nothing could stop me.
I was a “man” now and I could do my own things. I could make my decisions
without anyone’s help. I felt special. My uncle had been talking for couple
years about this festival called “Burning Man”. I wasn’t quite sure what to think
of it. All I had heard from him was that it was all about art. However, what I
didn’t understand was that wasn’t all and anything goes there. I finally made
my decision, I wanted to go and not even my parents were going to stop me. I
lied to my parents and told them I was going to go on a trip to visit some
really neat hot springs.

I left thinking no one would ever figure it out. The festival seemed really neat
at the time and I felt like a free man. I could make my choices and do
whatever I wanted and no one really cared. I could drink, do drugs, smoke,
have sex, and be accepted. I drank heavily, did one drug called ecstasy, got
into smoking cigarettes, and had unprotected sex for the first time. I thought it
was okay, but I still felt guilty, why? I knew what I did was wrong and sooner
or later I knew it would catch up to me. My parents eventually did find out and
everything came out into the open. I can’t tell you how much it changed my
heart to be finally open with my parents and others around me.

My mom suggested that I go to this new ex-gay therapist she had heard
about. For the next couple of months I “tried out” this therapist and I finally
decided I was going to stay there and get myself some help. He was pretty
cool and to this day he still is. I was able to get my feelings out about my
parents’ divorce, my time at Burning Man, my sexual identity crisis, and my
relationship with Christ.

Then it started. God made it possible for me to go to a winter camp with my

youth group at church through a guy at my church name Dustin. He suggested
that I go and help out the tech group that was going. I went there afraid that I
would be preached at the whole time. And not knowing anyone was making it
worse to think about. I was inwardly afraid of something I had been brought
up in. I soon realized it wasn’t the youth group I was afraid of, it was God. I
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had hid from Him for so long I couldn’t stand to be around people who wanted
to proclaim Him and worship Him. To think I was going to spend the whole
weekend with them! I finally realized by the second day that I desperately
needed God in my life and it needed to happen then. I got down on my knees
and told God I wanted Him to meet me face to face there. He did and to this
day my life has never been the same. I was immediately filled with a joy only
God can give. I felt complete and whole for the first time in my life.

From then on I pledged my life over to God and gave Him complete control of
my life. It wasn’t always easy after that to keep the faith because of worldly
pressures, but I finally had my true identity. I had finally found the love,
acceptance, attention, and fulfillment I had so desperately needed. I can
honestly say, “not my will, but Yours be done.” I am still 17. I am out at school
though. People who have heard from others have asked me about it. They ask
me about my past and how I used to be. I simply reply that I was and God has
done away with my past sin and as my only savior, I can attest to Him being
my Rock and my Redeemer. I am, with Gods grace and mercy, a believer, with
true repentance to prove it. After that, they usually ask a lot of questions. I
find that God uses my past as an awesome witnessing tool many times.

Nowadays I remember that when things get tough God told us, “Trust in the
Lord with all your heart; and do not lean on your own understanding. In all
your ways acknowledge Him; and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs
3:5,6) Also I remember that faith does not make it easy, but it does make it
possible!

Your little Brother in Christ,

Charles

Gaydar

Some people call it "gaydar" but what it really is about is us recognizing that
same brokenness in others because of our identifying spirits. There are times I
can just look at someone and because of what I've dealt with I can look at
them and tell right away that they have SSA (same-sex attractions) before I
even talk to them. Then after further investigation I find out that indeed they
were or are struggling with homosexuality.

I am not the kind of person with SSA who is determined to lead an "alternate"
lifestyle. I desperately want to change. I have always been distant, especially
from my father. When I was younger, my dad had a lot of growing up to do
still.

He's the greatest now, but back then, he used to have a short temper. He
would occasionally beat my mom in my presence. Being an only child until the
age of six, I have been pretty close to my mom.

To see ANYONE hurt her made me want to hate that person no matter what he
was to me. Behind the tears, screams, shouts and calls to the cops, I told

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myself over and over again that I didn't want to ever be like my dad in any
way. This period of abuse didn't last very long. My dad got help and he hasn't
even so much as raised his voice to my mom since I was like 6 or 7 (like I said
he's a great guy now). However, this promise that I kept in the back of my
mind stuck there.

I never wanted to like sports because my dad liked sports, I never wanted to
do anything my dad liked because I didn't want to relate to him. It took a long
time, but I am now very close to my dad. Even though we are close now, what
happened in the past has caused damage that still needs quite a bit of
work.....but we'll get there.

My parents found out about me completely on accident. I am not at all the

flamboyant or effeminate type, so they really had no idea. When I turned 18, I
met a guy who I thought I fell in love with. He seemed to understand me in
every way possible. When I met him, I figured I wanted him in my life forever.
You see, by 18, I had already accepted my "new lifestyle".

I was influenced by other gay peers that I was born like this, it wasn't my
fault, don't blame myself, this is the way god made me so don't think that god
will be mad if I lead this life and basically just find myself a "man" and live
your life happily ever after. I was so wrong. His name was Roger.

He had written me a "love" letter which I had shoved in the glove box of my
truck. One day, I lent my dad my truck to haul some furniture and he got
pulled over.

He naturally reached in the glove box and pulled everything out to look for my
registration and insurance. He noticed a letter in there. When he got home, as
I guess any parent wanting to know what was going on in his son's life, he
read the letter.

Horrified, he told my mom.

My mom confronted me in tears. I confessed that I was "Bi" and we cried in

her room for hours. I told her that this was who I was and that she was just
going to have to accept it. She did her own research and found a lot of
information on the views of a man by the name of Dr. Nicolosi. To make a long
story short, she convinced me that I wasn't born like this and that I could
change. In fact she told me that she would never accept that I will always be
gay.

At first this was hard, but after a while I knew what she meant. After a while I
did my own research on the topic and have read a few books, one of them -
my favorite,"You Don't Have to be GAY" by Jeff Conrad. This book has virtually
destroyed any doubts I had that I could change.

I know that I could go to my mom now about anything on this topic and she
would be completely supportive. That helps a lot. Although my dad knows

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about my situation,he never alienated himself for me in anyway or treated me
differently. That also means a lot.

He's never confronted me about it directly, but when he talks to me or gives

me advice, he'll bring it up but in disguise. Like, he'll tell me that I can change
myself in anyway, or I can be whoever I want to be. This is ok too, but what
I'm trying to say is don't let your son do this on his own. Always be sure to let
him know in one way or another that you still believe in him because believe
me, it helps.

At the time I only believed there are gays, straights, and bi’s, that anyone who
says they can or might change is only lying to themselves and trying to
suppress who they really are to please the world. This is what I mean by the
hardest 1st obstacle.

This is also the same controversial argument that anti-ex-gays use to attack
people who want to change or who want to get other people to change. You
see, people who are convinced that they are born gay and will always be gay
have already adopted the fact that they can't change; they have already
accepted themselves and are simply,constantly seeking comfort. Anyone who
says that change is possible is attacking their realm of comfort because these
people are basically saying that they are wrong.

I can agree that suppressing your feelings only pleases the rest of the world
and not yourself. This is so true, but he's missing the whole point. The whole
point is to not suppress your gay feelings, but to get rid of them. I know this
sounds ridiculous to someone who is actively gay, but it is possible.

Anyone who merely suppresses their feelings are not turned around. You know
that you are turned around when you truly no longer have these feelings.

This is going to take a long time, but it will happen if you pursue it. I know
because I'm almost there. It has been a year an a half since I've started my
journey, but to be honest, I have had sex with another guy a couple months
ago.

During sex, I found that there wasn't anything there anymore. I just kept
telling myself that as soon as this guy finishes, it will all be over. I just wanted
it to end because I no longer "felt it".

Friends that know about my situation have told me how much change they've
noticed in my attitude towards life. I can now go out with my guy friends and
pick up on girls without feeling awkward. Although, a good looking guy will still
turn me on at first glance.....it is only at first glance.

I never even think of how it would be like to be in bed with this guy like I used
to. I know I still have some ways to go
to get rid of this, but I know I am progressing and if you put your foot down
like I did, you will progress too. It takes time, but it is possible. I hope this
helps a little and sorry this is so long.

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-Jimmy-

Michael's Story

I will never forget this one time when dad took me to Kindergarten on his
bicycle. It is my most early memory of interaction with him (or lack thereof).
He took me into his big strong arms and put me on the ground and held my
hand as we walked into the kindergarten together.
Then he just walked off.

I cried and was sent home because of the sadness/rejection I felt. Little did I
know why poor dad was so closed off emotionally. Back when my dad grew up,
he never had so much as a hug from his father, who only talked to him when
he wanted to say something critical. He grew up feeling like a sissy in front of
the others because of some of the messages he received early in childhood, eg
'boys don't cry.'

Having learnt to be ashamed of expressing the emotional truth of his pain at

having been denied love and intimacy from an excessively critical father who
placed value only on his son's ability to have 'kids;' dad had children that he
was not adequately prepared to raise properly. I just wanted him to hold me.

After the bike ride incident I think I instinctively recoiled away from dad in
order to not feel the sting of what I perceived to be; being 'rejected' by him.
As a consequence I think I drifted further and further away from my own
masculine heritage, especially seeing as I was living with mum mostly; as they
were divorced. I never felt like I belonged closely with dad.

When I hit puberty, I remember feeling absolutely terrified when I saw my

friend's developing genitals as we were using the urinal during sports. This
now, to me, validates that I was drifting further away and becoming
increasingly alienated from my perceived 'rejecting' source of masculine
identity (my dad); which recurred as the shock of seeing my friend in this way,
even though boys going to the toilet together and even comparing each other's
'manhood' is supposed to be a normal thing, it was something I found
intimidating at the time; I missed out on feeling comfortable enough with
myself (and him) to be able to experience this potentially celebratory aspect of
life.

Perhaps I just so badly wanted to feel safe enough to be able to talk 'brother
to brother' about our developing into 'adults' together, yet held back because,
having drifted away from my masculine roots, It was almost as if inside a
memory was triggered, as if I was being reminded that I had never felt a sense
of belonging around dad (or other men), as if something must be 'wrong' with
me. As a result my journey through physical development was mainly a lonely,
scary affair. Seeing my friend like this I felt almost as if I was a girl being
indecently exposed to a man.

This was also the beginning of that alienated feeling I had around my peers.

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When I first started to feel very sad and alone in life, as a teenager, as though
something were missing; I did not know what to do so I went to a community
counselor. Had I not gone there, the then vulnerable me might not have been
guided to the 'young and gay' group where I met the person who was to rape
me under coercion.

Combined with the fact that he had refused to wear a condom, and that he
was indeed very rough with me; he had also explained shortly after
penetrating me, how he'd recently attempted suicide because of his certainty
that he might very well have aids. I remembered how, after the incident just
after leaving his house, I had briefly thought something like 'what if he did
have aids?' I had then told myself that I was being 'unrealistic,' and
immediately purchased some alcohol to 'blot out the memory' (kill some brain
cells.)

Of course I had not seen him for months since it happened, because I was too
busy living in that strange dreamland of self-verification and drugs, (you know
that brief and fleeting sense of relief /achievement, that you have finally 'made
it,' that you've had sex now and are now part of the crowd, you are now a
'man' and 'worthy of existence,' that all people who base their self-worth on
such accomplishments feel?) I had forgotten all about it (running way from
myself.)

I remembered the bleeding and how I had to yell 'stop' several times just so
he would get out of me because of the pain. Although thankfully my AIDS test
came back negative, the trauma I experienced during this 'window-period' left
emotional scars.

I never fully embraced homosexuality as an identity. I always knew a human

being's genitals do not determine who they are. I did still lack the need I had
for 'masculine' love, and wanted someone to hold. After spending one or two
years briefly wallowing around in the mire of superficiality and the constant
judging that compose 'homosexual life,' adjusting my appearance by going to
the gym hour after hour just to feel barely acceptable, only made me feel
worse!

Rigorous soul searching led me to a simple answer: "Homosexuality is based

on sex and not love values." I also realized that homosexuality has turned
something that is supposed to be sanctified and private (lovemaking) into
something that is not just morally degrading, but also something that is as
brief as a handshake, and as meaningless as an empty stare. So it was time
for me to get in touch with my own source of love, not sex; if I didn't want to
be so desperately unhappy all the time.

Although this is not exclusively limited to just 'homosexuality', it is by default

the always and unfailingly 100% intrinsic part of homosexuality. In my opinion
the act of real lovemaking involves a man and a woman, wanting to give
nothing but pleasure to their partner and expecting absolutely nothing in
return; so that children can grow up into stable surroundings with two parents
that love each other. Real lovemaking to me, does not involve two people
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using each other to feed their man-fuelled sex-addiction, a retarded growth of
increasingly lost and lonely vicious-circle desperation borne out of arrested
man-to-man-intimacy development. That is why it should be illegal, I think.

I read a book (The Way home or face The Fire - A.J.Hill) describing the three
different kinds of sex :

a) sex -pure animal lust

b) sex with feeling
c) love

No amount of the first two could ever equal the third!

My rage is mostly towards the so called 'professionals' of the system, and the
stupid articles that I see in my local newspaper, trying to portray homosexual
adolescents as these poor, injusticed, brave and noble people. I feel sick when
I see the pro-homosexual youth outreach workers being portrayed as 'noble
fighters for the underdog' and I feel like crying. To me they are like wolves
hiding in the scrub on the side of a paddock filled with sheep.

I have never had much success with people politically and have since decided
that people have to decide what they want to believe for themselves. I can
only recommend stuff to myself. Aside from this, I believe that homosexuals
can not be 'changed.' If, because people are out there, doing it, they are only
doing it to themselves and I realized that; even though I may feel very
strongly about it, I don't have to take this personally. Maybe sad, but this, only
my opinion, is the only way people can learn and change; by themselves.

No one likes to have their belief system attacked, to be told "What you do is
wrong," but unfortunately many people are being led astray and I believe I can
only be there for them by permitting them to learn from the natural
consequences of their actions, and letting go, as painful
and sadistic or 'resigned' as that plan may sound. Knowledge and defense
only, never attack; which makes it worse. The way I see it, in terms of
'fighting' for what I believe to be right, so that homosexuality can be properly
and widely recognized as the 'negative support' that it truly is, all
one can do to dissuade it is by either setting people a good example, or by
shunning them to make them ashamed of their ways and then loving them into
changing.

I know that all I have to do is continue to be me - I believe homosexuality is a

bad lifestyle for my own good - and I certainly do not condone it for anyone.
People latch on and tune in if they're ready.

In terms of 'straightening myself out' I don't really believe that I need to

change at all. For me it was simply recognizing the core issue of why my own
father was not available for me at the time, and having compassion for him,
instead of remaining the little kid inside who, because he had never really
understood, out of no fault of his own had distanced and defended himself
against further perceived rejections from dad and drifted even further away
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from him. It was time for me to return.

Michael

The Jock

My Son is a Miracle to Me

From an ex-gay Jewish father

He plays basketball and soccer with confidence and effortless grace, always
looking for a pick-up game. He often joins games with bigger guys than him,
and earns their respect by skill, hustle, and focus.

He's not afraid to push forward on offense, asserting himself against the man
who's covering him - and doggedly in-your-face on defense. He argues the
fouls and fine points without a shred of shame, weakness, or waffling.

Both men and women find his directness, vigor, and open smile disarming.
He's received some hand-knitted sweaters from admirers, and appreciates fine
things - but when a game or adventure is on, he is oblivious to mud, thorns,
gravel, or minor scrapes, and the sweater winds up on a bush beside the
playing field, his body and breath radiating warmth.

Somehow the dirt and sweat look good on his muscular frame. The smile that
gives way in a moment to sharp focus, the dirty blond hair that catches the
sun, the power and grace of the limbs...

He's eight years old.

He's my son.

Believe me, I don't have to fake the look of awed, jubilant adoration when I
see him play. He is a miracle to me.

I never was or will be a jock. And I don't have to be, for him. I just have to be
there, his dad. I know how basketball is played, and have learned enough to
follow soccer. I photograph. I shout.

He runs over to me, gives me a hug. T

his is my Dad. Then he is back in the game.

I am here, on a midweek afternoon, with the handful of fathers who had the
sense to realize that work is just work. There is a spiritual calculus that
transforms need and lack into giving and power. This is how it works: these
playing fields have painful, shameful, fatherless memories for me. Because of
what I went through, I make the time to be here. Straw and thorns are thus
spun into gold.

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I do not have to be a super jock. He has a very good coach. I am not the
tallest, most muscular father, nor do I have the fanciest camera. I have only to
be his Dad. To look at him like he's a miracle, the best - not a hard
assignment...

Everyone dealing with homosexual attractions can achieve this - especially the
younger guys. Each of you can become a loving, and loved, husband and
father.

This does not belong to some unattainable, perfectly imagined future - I was
hitting video booths for weeks after this kid's birth and circumcision, when my
old insecurities bubbled up. During his childhood I have gone on the internet,
flirted with men at health clubs, cruised during business trips. I have not
always been there for this kid - and the others - as I would like. But in the sum
total, in the aggregate, success happens. In messy, unsatisfying incomplete
steps and painful patches of inconsistency.

That's how you, too, will get there.

Example: shutting off the computer and going to my son's ball game was one
small action, acting on my deepest truth. Healing is made up of many of these
small moments of integrity, of being true to yourself. Houses, homes are sticks
held together by nails. Each integrity choice is a nail, building your soul's new
home - and sealing doors from which foul winds blow.

Everyone struggling with same-sex attractions can attain this. Every one of us
can transform need and lack into the power to give, into positive resolve.
Everyone of us can become a lover of others, have a family and community to
love.

—David

Recruited

My name is Kevin. I used to be “gay”. No, I wasn’t just your average guy with
same-sex attractions. I was, instead, a proud member of that aggressive group
of activists that still today demands total social acceptance and legal sanction
of homosexuality. My story is also my way of making up for, at least, some of
the damage I caused over the years. I will tell you the truth about
homosexuality and what the “gay” lifestyle really involves. The entire
homosexual issue can be divided into three areas: psychological, spiritual, and
political:

Psychological:

From the age of 11 to 33, I was attracted to men, although I was always afraid
of real men and didn’t enjoy their company. When I was a child my father was
ill for quite some time and he died when I was almost ten, so I really had no
father figure or male role model to teach me how to be a boy. I had several
older brothers, but I wasn’t very close to any of them. I was close to my

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sisters and my mother, however, and they were to always remain my best
friends. I also didn’t have any friends who were boys because I was always
afraid of them. I was only close to my friends who were girls. These girls didn’t
care how fat I was or whether or not I could throw a baseball.

My lack of “connecting” with boys my age and my lack of a father figure set me
on a path that led to same-sex attraction during adolescence. As a teenager, I
disliked the sexual feelings I had toward boys and I wished I didn’t have them.

For the most part, I was very selfish. I felt inferior to others and especially
inferior to boys my age. I hated being around guys! I felt rejected by my
father and my older brothers because I knew they were thinking I was ugly
and stupid. I felt very alone, so I sought all the attention I could get. I was a
spoiled and pampered teenager who was angry at my lack of close male
relationships as a child. I felt abandoned and rejected by adults and others,
and I was very easily insulted or hurt by the slightest criticism.

When I was a high school senior I tried dating girls. It was fun because I
enjoyed their company over the company of other guys anyway. These girls
also served to help me appear “straight”.

By the time I was in my twenties, I had moved out on my own and went to
college. I chose to study in the field of theatre arts. In time I won some awards
and scholarships for my work on the stage as an actor. Plays and dramas were
very attractive to me. Why? It was simple. Theatre gave me a mask. I could
win acceptance, praise or just plain attention by standing up before many
people and pretending to be someone else.

Meanwhile, I met some new friends in the “gay” life. They were college friends
and barroom buddies within my new gay life that I kept underground. With
their help I finally accepted my “orientation” as a gay man. I didn’t realize it
then, but I was being recruited. It wasn’t easy at first to accept my new sexual
identity, but my already inflated ego was fed even more when I was told by
several of my new friends that same-sex attractions were a special gift from
God. These older and “wiser” men told me that I was a victim and that so
many people, including my mother and family members, surely were to blame.
Therefore, I was told that I deserved to surround myself with people who really
loved me, and that was only other gays.

I was no longer ashamed of my “orientation”! I’m a guy who no longer

struggles with same-sex attraction. Oh, no! I’m proud of myself now! I’m now
queer! I’m now “gay”! In other words, I was now recruited!

I was happy for a time as I marched in Gay Pride parades, hung out in
bookstores and gay bars. I had platonic relationships with several friends who
also saw themselves as victims. I felt sorry for them and they felt sorry for me.
I can assure you that my life with these friends back in the 80’s was one big
pity party. Do you think self-pity is sort of contagious and habit-forming? I
mean, I liked these guys because they felt sorry for poor little me. If I had to
feel sorry for them and pat their backs once in a while, well it was a small price
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to pay for the pity and attention I received in return. This self-pity among us
led, automatically, to public protest. Self-pity and protest are pretty much the
same things. These feelings really explain my overt, melodramatic and
sometimes shocking public escapades that all too often gained public support.

This kind of self-absorption made it very difficult for me to love. I was like a
child who wanted all the attention and love directed to him. But, this didn’t
stop me from pursuing my dream. All I wanted from life now was what I was
told was the perfect goal: find a man to be your “lover”, move in together and
stay happy for the rest of your lives. In the meantime, it’s still okay if you find
others with whom you can play, party and sleep. This was my dream. But I
didn’t always find these “lovers” and when I did, the scenarios didn’t fit the
dream I was promised. I was restless. I was restless because I was motivated
by a desire for that unattainable fantasy figure: a father who loved me and
who was there for me.

I wasn’t really interested in these “lovers” either. I was just too interested in
myself and my own wants. I used those men because I wanted someone to
take care of me, but not someone who needed anything from me. My “perfect
goal” and my “dream” was, therefore, nothing but several clinging
relationships made up of two self-absorbed “poor me-s.”

While all this was going on, my family accepted me into their homes and I was
never forbidden to see any of my nieces and nephews. I was accepted as being
part of a lifestyle that was no longer underground. I had convinced them that I
was born “gay”. My friends and I were out of the closet, liberated, tolerated
and happy. Well, anything but happy. This life was, by its makeup, very selfish
and very angry. I had no room in my life for anyone but me. Anyone I claimed
to love was someone I used for what can only be called “mutual
masturbation”, not “love-making”. The friendships I had were like my many
“lovers” – very fleeting and conditional. All my relationships were hollow.

What was the “gay” life really like? It was a very easy lifestyle because I was
responsible to no one: no responsibility for a wife, child or family. For your
average nineteen-year-old guy, the gay lifestyle is very attractive in the short-
term because it sounds like one big college party. You can have all the
advantages of a straight lifestyle without any of the responsibilities. Keep this
in mind when you hear activists make the same arguments I used to make:
“Don’t call this a ‘lifestyle choice!’ I didn’t choose this for myself! I was born
this way. To prove it, let me ask you this: why would I choose such a difficult
life for myself? Huh? Why would I choose to put myself through the everyday
burden of being gay in such an intolerant, bigoted world?” Yes, I sounded like
that, but I wasn’t being honest with you or with myself. In reality, it’s a very
easy lifestyle!

Though easy, it still wasn’t very satisfying. As I got older into my late twenties,
I grew more and more unhappy. I started losing some hair and gaining some
weight. I was like Andrew Kunanan: too old to be of any value in a youthful
“gay” culture.

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Spiritual:

But I still thought my unhappiness was the fault of others. I was angry at all
the “homophobes” out there and I was very angry with the Church. That’s why
I chose to get involved in a pro-gay church group called DIGNITY. Though it
wasn’t sanctioned by the Church, it was where I could pretend that “gay” is
O.K. and pretend to stay within the Church.

In the late 80’s, I heard about a group called EXODUS. It was helping some
guys leave the lifestyle and some were even able to change their orientation.
This made me curious because I was still restless! From EXODUS I learned
about a Catholic group started by Father John Harvey about twenty years
earlier called COURAGE. I contacted that group and learned a lot of stuff about
Church teaching and about myself, too.

COURAGE was a fresh, new kind of group for me. Its basic foundation was as
solid as the Catholic Church herself. Its five goals for helping overcome same-
sex attraction were easy for me to understand. They were refreshing for
someone lost in the wilderness like me. COURAGE was a place where I
developed chaste friendships with other men who also shared this challenge
with me. I not only was treated like an adult but I was also expected to act like
one. These men did not pity me, but rather challenged me to understand that I
was powerless to control my urges and that I needed the help of the Holy
Spirit to change my life once and for all! After only about five years COURAGE
brought me back to the Sacraments and my life turned around.

I an now ex-gay and my lifestyle has changed. I married the most beautiful
woman in the world and we now have three children. As a kid, I didn’t have
any male friends, but now, as an adult, that changed. I now enjoy the
company of real men for the first time in my life because I’m no longer afraid
of them.

As you can imagine, I had rather unusual responses to this life change from
my old friends and some family members. They all seemed distant. When I
was a struggling, depressed, restless, and out-of-the-closet “gay” activist, I
had most of my “straight” friends willing to tolerate me. Some of them even
accepted me and endorsed me as I had convinced them that I was born that
way. I guess I should now recognize them as “foul weather friends”.

In our current culture, I’m afraid, when you are dysfunctional, down-and-out,
sad, drug-addicted and depressed, you will have more friends than you could
ever want. But, when you start to turn your life around and clean yourself up,
you’re on your own. You’re not even welcome around some people’s families
and you are definitely not welcome around the “gay” activists because now you
are considered a threat to them. Francis Cardinal George once said, “I have
often wondered why a supposedly heterosexual man, perhaps married and
with children, is admired and celebrated when he declares himself a
homosexual, but a journey in the opposite direction is excoriated as
repressive.”

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So, it is true that I’m frustrated with this kind of response from our culture, but
I’m not going to wallow in more self-pity. I don’t want to mirror that same
response I had as an activist by being unjustly forced to go underground
again. After all, I helped create this gay culture!

Political:

One way people are harmed today is when activists redefine terms by giving
them new meaning. Let’s take the word “phobia”. The dictionary defines
“phobia” as “…an irrational persistent fear or dread.” The operative word there
is “irrational”. That’s why homophobia doesn’t work when applied to me,
because there isn’t anything irrational about my persistent fear or dread of
homosexuality. My belief that I wouldn’t want my children to go through what I
went through is very rational and based on a lot of understanding and reason.

Another word is “recruit.” As an activist, I supported things like junior high

school programs that taught “tolerance” and “acceptance” of “gays”. Well, I
got very angry with you “homophobes” because you accused me of trying to
recruit young boys and girls into the “gay” lifestyle. I didn’t believe in my heart
that I was lying to you. We firmly insisted that “gays” don’t recruit young men
and boys because we thought that it was not possible to change someone’s
orientation from “gay” to “straight” or “straight” to “gay”.

Well, the dictionary defines “recruit” as “…to form or strengthen with new
members.” It’s important to understand, too, just what is involved with
recruiting. Recruiting into what? To understand this I need to first explain
another word: “gay”. “Gay” is a socially charged word within the homosexual
community that means “I’m out of the closet, I’m proud of my same-sex
attraction, and you’re sick if you aren’t proud of me too!”

This attitude is expressed for a purpose. It has an audience. The target

audience for this is not just all of the “homophobes” in this mean, cruel world,
but also the rest of us “gays” out there who supposedly have been forced to
hate themselves so much that they want to commit suicide. You see, most
people who have same-sex attractions don’t like this about themselves. Many
people with same-sex attractions do not want to act on these attractions and
they feel trapped by their emotional desires. In other words, most
homosexuals are not “gay”. And we “gay” activists knew it! It is the sexually
confused person, therefore, that “gay” activists are targeting.

Activists want to get to those young boys who, at age 14 are struggling with
sexual confusion. They need to convince them that “gay is good”, that they
cannot possibly change their attractions and that this “wholesome sexuality” is
a gift from God and it would even be sinful to deny it. Even though I didn’t call
it at the time, I was, in effect, recruiting them! Not recruiting them to have
same-sex attractions, but rather to become “gay”.

What I have learned on this difficult journey is what I hope you can learn, too:
people with motivation and God’s help can and do change their orientation. My
life with my wonderful wife and three children would not have been possible if I
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had continued to buy the lie “once gay, always gay.” I’m here as God’s
“recruit” to spread the word to as many of you as possible.

###

Kevin can be reached at journeyoffaith@msn.com

He is available for speaking engagements.

Sam's Ex-gay Story

I was brought up in the church...loved God but was confused. I could not
understand why this was worse than any other sin. Did God understand my
feelings? I tried to date females to cover up the shame...but never
lasted...finally I thought that the only way to be loved was to go into
homosexuality and give pleasures to that person. So I feel into giving it up to a
guy...

God is still working on me in so many areas of my life. To keep it short and to

the point...if God can be merciful upon me and still take me back though I
doubt many times...he can do it for anyone else. A person has to first be open
with God and allow God to work on you...to be able to take those hurts and
pains into testimonies. It is not easy but with God all things are possible.
Homosexuality was a bondage for me.

Though many Christians do not show love to homosexuals...those of us that

God has delivered needs to show the church what they are doing and show the
homosexuals God's love.

This is my story in a small package...Take Care!

-- Sam

Two Ex-gay Stories

I am a woman who divorced my husband because I didn't want to hurt him if I

had another affair with a woman. I determined "I was just gay and needed to
be honest about that before God and myself" so I divorced. He didn't want the
divorce and deep down I really didn't want it either, I just couldn't help myself.
I didn't allow God to help me either. I went to counseling with my husband for
about 1 1/2 months and then left. This is such a difficult thing. Unless you've
really lived it, I'm not sure you can fully understand, so others view it from the
perspective that it is sin.

I don't consider it to be similar to something like pornography because one

doesn't identify themselves in terms of a "pornographer," but w/homosexuality
the big lie is it becomes "who you are". You accept the statement "I'm gay,
and that's just a part of who I am". That's why it is so important in the healing
process to study who you are, who God sees you to be.

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I used to say, yes I'm gay but I'm Christian first and being gay is only a part of
me. I attended an "open and affirming United Methodist church" that accepted
my partner, myself, and my family with open arms. We served as Sunday
school teachers, trustees, sang in the choir and on the worship team. So, what
made me change from gay to straight?

Well, my partner had tried to have insemination but found she was in early
menopause at age 28. After the trauma of that, we decided to adopt a boy
from Guatemala. About 3 months prior to his arrival, she told me she was
emotionally connected more to a friend of ours than to me, and the rest is
history.

But I was having thoughts of “something is missing in the relationship” for

about a year prior to that, and found myself missing men in general, not
necessarily sexually, but rather a male perspective and such.

I was so distraught over hurting my husband and children from the divorce
that I made a vow to the Lord never to leave anyone again, which is the main
reason I didn't say anything to my lesbian partner. You see I had determined
that I would live out my commitment to my partner regardless of how I felt.
(Too bad I didn't do that in my vows in marriage, I guess I viewed this as a
"second chance"). I was weak and a coward now that I look back.

My daughter at age 13 experienced a time of wanting to dress "trashy" so my

partner and I sat her down and said we knew she wasn't gay and didn't like
the fact that we were, but she didn't have to go the opposite direction with her
dressing style and that we would not allow it. She did change somewhat her
clothing style after that conversation.

Then when my partner left, my daughter had a summer female relationship

and was quite open about it. But at the close of summer she "fell in love" with
a young man. She then felt horrible that she ever had the relationship with the
woman who was six years older than she (much to my dismay), and quite
embarrassed. She told me she thought it was wrong.

At that time I was talking to her and saying I knew she grew up in an openly
gay home, but that I was trying to change. I told her I had no right to ask her
not to pursue this lesbian life but that it would probably be filled with pain. I
also told her I was there for her and would be there to talk to her and that this
was a time in her life that she needed to learn to make decisions based on
what she knew about God and what we had taught her through the years. She
is still with that young man three years later and they plan to marry when she
is finished with college.

My son used to call my partner his stepmother when he was younger but at
around age 10 was more embarrassed with friends as to "who" she was to him.
He doesn't want me to find a woman but a man to be with, and my daughter
kind of goes back and forth. She just wants me to be happy and find someone
to take care of me. (My daughter the social worker!) She asked me the other
night, "So are you gay today or what?" I had to laugh and say "it didn't quite
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work that way." Then she added you need to pick one and just do it... Ah from
the mouths of children?

Anyhow, they are both really good kids. My son is living w/his dad in the next
town over because I wanted him to be with a male, namely his dad during
adolescence, and to be in a larger family as he has two younger brothers and a
stepmom. I am friends with my children's dad and wife, and we often get
together. God has been merciful there, but when we divorced we determined
not to put the kids in the middle and to try to be friendly. It's interesting that I
have a better relationship w/my ex-husband and no contact w/my former
partner and her child.

Stephanie

_________

As an ex-gay man, I feel that the homosexual lifestyle itself is the biggest
reason to change. It is the WORST lifestyle a person could ever lead. It is said,
among the most experienced homosexuals, that those who are better adjusted
are the ones who abandon all hope of having a life-partner, and instead settle
for all they can realistically achieve: anonymous sexual encounters. Do we
realize what that means?

The gay lifestyle reduces, on average, a person’s lifespan by more than 20

years. Even when corrected for AIDS, it is still alarming how much a person’s
lifespan is reduced.

Study after study after study confirms the terrible levels of depression, suicide,
drug abuse, and STDs prevalent in the lifestyle. And let's not even go into the
bitchiness and childishness so prevalent in the gay subculture.

Even if one fools oneself into believing that one can avoid the depression,
suicide, drug abuse, and STDs - one cannot avoid watching your friends suffer
and die from such things all around you. Of course, when I say friends I should
say "friends". They are only your "friends" so long as they can get what they
want from you.

Because the gay world is like a meat market - you are only worth what you
possess. Once you get really old (like, 30) you're not wanted anymore. And a
the life of a fat guy, a disabled guy, or a guy with a small penis, is worth a lot
less than a thin, fit, and large guy. Your personality and your personal
happiness are secondary to your physical appearance. How often I have seen
two gay guys deeply "in love" separate because they've found someone else
fitter, or don't think the other is good-looking anymore.

Which brings me to gay "love". It's a myth. It doesn't exist. Anyone with the
slightest bit of common sense who is in the gay world can see how often gay
men break-up, and how fragile relationships are. They're totally immature.
They practically move in after just meeting, and break up when they find
someone better. But none of them can see this futile cycle due to their own

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denial and blindness to the truth that gay "love" is a mere fairytale. Infidelity is
the norm in the gay world. The average relationship lasts only a year.

If there's one constant thing I've seen in the gay world, it's depression. And it's
not caused by "oppression" or "bias" in society. It's caused by the gay
"community" itself. It's a sad pathetic lifestyle that damages people.

RUN A MILE. Get away from it. Don't touch it. You don't need it. You're worth
far more than being sucked in by and used by that selfish world. Pursue
therapy, feel better, feel more masculine, have *real* male friends who
actually love you for who you are, and not for what you've got that they can
take.

And change doesn't require a religion. Most of my change took place without
one, so it is possible. The strictly psychological therapy books don't include any
religious things anyway, so one is free to pursue a strictly medical treatment.

Kind regards,

Simon

What I Know Now That I’m Ex-Gay

1. I was born with this and cannot change because it is genetic

I bought that hook line and sinker. I read many books in order to answer my
questions why as a male I developed same sex attractions. Most of the books
said that it was not possible to change and that there was no cure. I once
asked myself if ...if there was a pill that could cure me ... would I have taken
it? YES. But all I knew from the progay books was that it was an inborn trait
and that I just had to accept myself. I really hated being a homosexual, but
when you can´t fix it then you have to stand it. So I settled for an answer I
found in a gay youth book. When someone asked what I think caused me to be
gay, I told them "LUCK" , and most of the studies that were published in the
progay magazines claimed that there was evidence that there was a genetic
component involved.

2. I trust what the gay community is telling me because they say they
care about me

Not exactly. I early found out that I was different than other Gays and
lesbians. I did want to work for more tolerance and acceptance of gay people,
but I was constantly bashed by my gay and lesbians friends when I stated that
it was not normal to be gay. The norm was to be heterosexual.

When legal same sex unions were introduced in Denmark in 1989 (the first
country of the world to do so ), I cheered along with my friends. Now gay and
lesbians had the same rights as heterosexual couples. What more could they
want? We had equal rights. But some gays that were not Christian or had no
religious beliefs at all said that now we had to fight for the right to have church

236
marriages. I told them I was against that. Church marriage was something
holy and sacred for me and for a man and a woman only. It felt unnatural to
me that a man and a woman should marry in a church. That was sacrilegious.

Oh I was scorned by the vocal loud people in the progay organisation ... over
and over again I was told that I had a long way to come in truly accepting who
I was. I learned that in any organisation people have the attitude ... if you´re
not with us you must be against us. It was their way or the highway.

I also didn´t want to walk in a gay pride parade. I didn´t feel I had anything in
common with the transvestites (the transgendered) and the sexual showing off
was repulsive to me. Walk in a parade with men dressed as women and sexual
perverts that just wanted to shock people -- NO WAY. Well diversity has
always been good I
thought, but there was no room for the average gay guy in one of these gay
pride parades. And I felt they were hurting gay and lesbian people more, by
showing off all the stereotypes.

I was also very active in safe sex education. I sometimes objected to having to
be too graphic when telling 14 and 15 year olds about safe sex. Also I wanted
to emphasize that there was no such thing as safe sex. Safe sex could reduce
the risk of std´s but there was always a risk. But my fellow gays objected. So I
cannot subscribe to the sentence that ... the gay community cared for me ... It
was their way or the highway.

But what really disillusioned me about gay people was the shallowness and the
obsession about youth. And that it was perfectly natural to have 200 sex
partners every year. I thought that was wrong. When I began to change my
life 5 years ago I asked my roommate (a pumped up bodybuilder on steroids),
if he didn´t want to find someone special to love. A boyfriend? I told him that
he probably had had about 2500 sex partners in his life, and did he not want
more than sex? He looked very puzzled at me ... and told me that it was not
possible to find a boyfriend and that he had to take what he could get and
enjoy himself while he was waiting for Mr. right. I told him I doubted he would
find Mr. Right the way he lived.

3. I cannot believe in God or the church anymore because they do not

accept me.

I knew perfectly well what the bible told me about homosexuality. I was
doomed and damned. I did believe in Jesus. I had to hope for mercy on
judgment day. For me christians were heterosexists and judgmental. I felt like
a leper or a samaritan. No Christian would touch me with a 5 feet pole.

Condemnation and damnation were all gay people got from churches so even if
I loved Jesus and I knew he loved me I would not go to a church to worship
when I was among a bunch of hypocrites that was not Christlike at all. There
were no resources for people who wanted to leave homosexuality.

I also saw that gays and lesbians were constantly verbally harassed and made
237
the scapegoat by Christians. Anyway there was no God ... if there really was a
God he would not have allowed me to be gay. Like some of my Christians
friends have told me ... well god made me this way. I think most people with a
religious background and upbringing that experience same sex attraction find it
nearly impossible to reconcile their religious beliefs and their feelings. Some
choose to live celibately and expect that they may not be able to change in this
life and that this is just a challenge like any other challenge. I really admire
these people.

4. Reparative therapy is harmful

I saw a documentary film about Exodus 8 years ago. It was made by progays.
The film was about how Exodus came to a small Norwegian town and the
young gay men killed themselves. It was the most horrible documentary I had
ever seen. It said that gay people could not change and Christian fanatics were
shameless telling gay people to repress their feelings and pretend they were
straight. They showed a horrible gay couple that had married (a former gay
and lesbian). They had no children and looked immensely depressed. The film
in effect said -- They had got to be kidding! What a horrible joke! Only gay
people full of self-hatred would try to change.

The idea that gay people will commit suicide if they get involved with one of
those so called exgay-ministries was deeply imprinted in me by the gay
community and repeated by every progay you discuss the possibility of change
with. Progays will say it´s much better that you accept yourself and be
yourself instead of trying to be something you´re not.

I think the common misconceptions about reparative therapy or exgays are:

Change is not possible ... if I still have same sex attractions I have not
changed. If change is possible, then my opposite sex attractions have to be
just as strong and with the same emotional qualities that my same sex
attractions (ssa)have.

People who have changed are just repressing their feelings of same sex
attraction, no real change has happened, they just pretend.

If I can not get an erection by just looking at a woman I can never change, so
why even try.

People who undergo reparative therapy will kill themselves.

You will never be happy this way, being something you´re not.

Despite all these myths propagated by the gay community, I will testify that all
the years I spent in reparative therapy have paid off. I have healed a lot of my
wounds. It has taken me a long time and it has been a process, not an event.
Like ex-gay Sy Rogers said, it doesn´t just say "Bling" and every ounce of
homosexual desire will be drained from your body. But I don’t long and yearn
for a man to love me anymore. I am attracted to women.
238
Sometimes I feel attracted to a man, but I know I will not be happy by acting
on those feelings. I have turned my life over to the care of God and I feel the
holy spirit guide me and comfort me. There is no obstacle that can not be
overcome. I think that it will take a long time before it becomes commonly
known that it´s possible to change your sexual orientation. The progays will
advocate that this is not the case and they do spread a lot of lies about it, in a
desperate attempt to hold unto their identities they have fought so hard to
form. It is painful to change your identity and let go of misconceptions.

What helps me the most is the love from true Christians. Hugs and
encouragement. What sets me back is prejudices and misconceptions about
people who have ssa. And if I perceive people to be antigay I simply shut down
and stop listening. It´s a knee jerk reaction to protect myself from being hurt.
If we love everybody like Christ does everybody wins.

I feel somewhat cheated today by the progays. I was lied to. I was so much
more than my attractions. I no longer believe I was born that way. I could not
find happiness living a gay lifestyle ... and I really tried. I did found love, but
same sex relationships in general have a short lifespan.

-- Neal

What Keeps Us Silent?

By Jeffrey Johnson

I believe it is imperative that we proclaim the truth of healing from

homosexuality in the secular arena. What are some of the reasons we (as ex-
gays) remain silent? For some of us it’s fear. What will they think of me? What
if they laugh at my story? How will the media portray me? What if they don’t
believe me? Am I healed enough? How will this affect my family?

Besides fear, I think a lot of what motivated me was shame. I was ashamed of
my brokenness and sin. I’d worked so hard to fit into the church and into the
world of men – and now I have to go broadcast my struggles?

Not just shame, but pride is involved here. My pride did not want to admit to
others that I had this struggle. But it has led me to testify before committees
of the Maryland General Assembly; to tell my story to congressional staffers at
the U.S. Capitol; to protest at the American Psychiatric Convention; and to
have my story recounted in a two-page spread in The Baltimore Sun. So much
for living a “normal, quiet life.” To be honest, I did not go looking for these
opportunities, but I chose to say yes when they came my way. Each time I tell
my story, I strike another blow at fear, shame, and pride.

A final matter that keeps some of us silent is feeling overwhelmed. What can I
do to take on the whole culture? Thankfully, I’m not responsible for all that.
But I can do small things: writing a letter to the editor, calling an irresponsible
television network, and speaking out at work when others denigrate healing.
239
I could write a whole column about this, or even a book, but suffice it is to say
that all the evidence here is on our side. At every level – physically,
emotionally, and spiritually – homosexual behavior is destructive. Speaking the
truth about homosexuality literally saves lives.

Not everyone is called or gifted at working in the media or in politics, not all of
us are called to full-time ministry, but more of us must speak up about this
issue. I believe God is calling more of us to get out and tell our stories, to tell
what we know about the destructiveness of homosexual behavior and about
God’s redemption – how God changed us.

More strugglers, more parents, more family members. All of us are called to
engage in the world around us, speaking the truth in love to a hurting world.
There is no one better for this job. If not us, then whom?

Why I Wanted Out of Homosexuality

I guess most ex-gay people out there would agree with me when I say that the
gay lifestyle pressured us to look good and act in ways that would make us
acceptable. For instance, when I was living as a gay man, I was very
dependent on affirmations from other people -- how I dressed, how I groomed
my hair, etc. etc. and it was very very exhausting.

Gay relationships, at least for me were simply a case of parasitism. I had one
that was mostly financial. He had me around to bear his soul out and lord over
his messiahnic complex while I got my monthly allowance. This went on for a
couple of years without the knowledge of my parents. They thought he was
just a good friend helping out. A time came when it became all too suffocating.
I could hardly keep him from calling me up late at night, or go with him to gigs
I'd rather trade for flossing, so on and so forth.

Another person I was with albeit a short while, well, was simply more confused
and emotionally distraught than I was. I liked it when I was being depended
on. I felt good when people needed me for something. Others were purely
physical. You see, not a single "relationship" I had was borne out of love but
on mere dependency. The lifestyle became all too ritualistic for me. There was
no space for emotional growth because the relationships were forged on false
grounds-money, sex, compliments, etc.

A horrible double life it was. I was always conjuring alibis whenever I did
things behind my girlfriend’s back. On the one hand, I know I will be lying to
myself if I would say that I didn't love her. On the other hand, my gay life was
just starting to get a positive push and the hype was simply too hard to trade
off. In the end, God showed me the real deal. All this gay trash is simply about
myself. I became very selfish because of it and made my vanities and
insecurities the crux of my life. I was slave to my habits and desires, rendering
me very much incapable of interacting with other people, especially straight
guys.

240
I know this battle can be waged from a couple of months to even scores of
years. Homosexuality is a conditioned response, whose roots can vary from
one context to another. Like what I have learned, old habits die hard,
especially when dealt with self-control. There must be something that would
replace the habit of masturbation, sex and pornography. There must be
something that would offer true and lasting happiness -- the very things that
these kids are trying to find in every encounter they have. And no one else can
fulfill these things but the love and mercy of God. I know it is pretty hard
driving these seemingly abstract things round their heads but believe me, it is
possible. There are more people like me who have licked the depths of hell and
were restored by God's grace. There are a lot out there.

What led me out of the homosexual lifestyle? I found myself lonelier than ever.
I thought my insecurities would disappear, but boy did they multiply. I was
addicted to so many lewd things and doing stuff I really did not want to do. It
was as if I was deliberately doing things all gay people did because I thought
there was no turning back. But I was wrong. In the end, the people I tried to
shun -- my family -- were the very people who helped me get through all the
drama. And of course, this goes without saying that God's grace restored my
dignity. If it hadn't for free web courses like "setting captives free" I wouldn't
fully understand how homosexuality is simply a form of idolatry -- you look up
to the male genitalia or body as a god.

From a son's point of view however, I do believe that parents should keep on
trying to reach out no matter what it takes. I do not know if concerned parents
can actually lead normal lives just sitting around and waiting for things to fall
in their proper place. Yes, there is a great danger of pushing your children
away because anything said and done against their life(style) or friends is
tantamount to personal rejection. But this should not stop parents from taking
a proactive role in helping or reaching out to their children. This goes without
saying however that every household has a unique context to work around in.
Be there, make your presence felt. If they get annoyed, well take a few steps
backward but remain on track.

There are lots of things parents can do and staying at the sideline is definitely
NOT one of them. You can talk to your kid at the right time and place. Only
you can determine that. But even as he may shun you, hold on because he
needs you more than you know it. Bottom line is, show him that YOU love him
but you do NOT approve of his choices. Remember, the goal is not primarily to
be heterosexual but to be holy. I believe the tag line is, "a man among men."

And I believe that God will make miracles happen, make your kids realize
through certain circumstances and trials that He is the only true source of
salvation. Be there when that happens. Be there when confusion sets in. When
your children start thinking, "Am I doing the right thing?" Be there because the
storm can sway them in either direction: TO GOD or FARTHER AWAY FROM
GOD. Be there.

God heals and saves in His perfect time.

241
Al

Yes, I Have an Ex-gay Story, Too

I am a man. I was born and raised in Fresno, California and just like everyone
else, I was faced with daily challenges. I come from a family of five, three
sisters and one brother, me being the oldest. We were a poor family that
survived on welfare and lived in affordable housing. My mother and father
separated before I was born, two years later after she gave birth to my sister,
my mother met my stepfather.

Being young and from unstable homes my parents partied a lot, I remember
the physical and verbal fights that took place, which has scared me till this
day. My sister and I were left unattended many times and with strangers my
parents trusted. On one occasion my mom’s youngest brother stayed home
with me and my sister to watch us as she went to run errands, I was four
years old when my uncle took me aside and asked me to pull my pants down
and threatened me to never say a word, I didn’t until I was twelve and my
mother would not believe me for years said that I was too young to remember
any of this happening. Incest took place with an older cousin years later and
went on for a time without any family members ever knowing.

The relationship between my mom and I was very close growing up and I saw
her as a friend that I could tell anything to, unfortunately being the oldest I
was also the shoulder she cried on regularly when my stepdad was abusive. So
my relationship with my stepfather was very distant, although I tried to love
him and wanted for him to stop being so cruel and just love me, hold me, tell
me that I was somebody. I have always had a deep need for his approval and
acceptance, never felt I got that as a child or early teenage years.

Junior and high schools were difficult for me in trying to find my identity,
because at this time I knew that I was attracted to boys and had a longing to
be comforted by them. Wasn’t long after when I engaged in my first sexual
encounter by a much older man, I was intimidated and scared for my life, but
from that point on the curiosity I had for being with men grew. Not much
longer after this episode I fell into soliciting myself around a local adult
bookstore, which was within walking distance from where I lived. This was also
the first place I found acceptance from others that had the same desires to be
with men.

I came out to my mom and stepdad when I was 17 years old, relieved by their
reactions to not disown me. By this time the countless number of sexual hook
ups was overwhelming, I enjoyed what I was doing, the free alcohol and drugs
was fun, but I kept that part of my life a secret for years out of shame. March
27, 1998 was the day I will never forget, as I was taken into a room while
under the influence of methamphetamine to be given results that I was HIV
positive. The drugs then progressed, with me wanting to take my life and die
but scared because I believed that I was now given the judgment to eternal life
in hell, that God hates Fags. Many in and out of the church are still using this
statement, which is very ignorant. After I recovered from this news I went
242
straight back to a gay community of acceptance, clubs, social gatherings in the
parks and streets. I was naive to think that it wouldn’t get worse. Four years
later I was diagnosed with full blown AIDS, Hepatitis C and colon cancer.

A year before I told my mom I was gay, she had given her life to the Lord, and
told me throughout the years how much Jesus loved me, that no sin is greater
than another. I always knew that homosexuality was not the norm. But I also
knew that these feelings I had were not a choice. January 2003 I accepted Our
Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior, in a time where I was unsure how
much longer I had to live because of AIDS and desperately needed assurance
that I wouldn’t go to hell. Every opportunity I had to go church I was there
praying asking God to save me from a gay life that I had never asked for. His
Holy Spirit poured down on my life and took all away my pain, hurt,
resentment, hate, drug addiction, sickness, prostitution and an identity of
being gay. Through His grace and mercy and most importantly His Love I have
Freedom from being bound by sin.

God has healed me physically from Hepatitis C and colon cancer and this is
only the beginning. I still have a positive result of the HIV virus in my blood,
but Jesus Christ specializes in blood. I believe God moves in steps with us and
through all that I have endured and challenges I have faced, this has built my
faith up where I am learning to trust God My Father, not a report given by a
doctor. I’m still a work in process and am taking it one prayer at a time. The
love that was given through His Son Jesus Christ when He willingly died and
sacrificed His flesh and blood on a cross for our sins to be forgiven can never
be bought nor compromised.

Today, it has been over 3 years since I have surrendered my gay life. God has
lead me to share my testimony to thousands on the Internet, church
outreaches, schools and various religious functions. I am currently the Director
of the Red Ribbon AIDS Project which is a ministry that not only Educates and
Prevents the spread of HIV/AIDS, but helps direct and assist individuals who
tested positive with the HIV/AIDS virus. I know I have so many dreams and
goals but most importantly Eternal Life in Heaven that would have never have
been possible without God being #1 in my life.

-- Daniel

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in

whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my
stronghold.” Psalm 18:2 NIV

Yes, It's Possible

After being straight for 29 years now, I look back and wonder how I was ever
gay. Two kids, a wife, all the great trappings of suburban life and unlike some
people claim, I don't wonder what I missed. I don't think about going to a gay
bar or sex with a man. I think about other stuff, getting leaves out of the
gutter without falling off the roof, getting enough money to pay for my
youngest son's college and getting the car to the garage for a tune-up.
243
I admire all those who make the change from the left hand lane...and my heart
goes out to them. I left homsexuality through psychotherapy, before it
changed.

I didn't have to face a society with magazines and tv promoting the lifestyle as
something wonderful. Althougth my mother thought it was perfectly okay and
sent me to live with three gay men when I was 17.

I wasn't a Christian, I was a guy who asked, why am I queer? What makes me
this way? Do I have to be this way if I don't want to?

But now, it's cool to be gay. There are high school clubs, college clubs and gay
men and women believe in their cause. They fight for it, they seek to make
everyone believe in it by legislating, by creating safe havens, by marching,
rallies and parades. They create a beautiful spectacle of freedom from
conventional behavior. "Loud and Proud!"

So to those who seek to leave, who seek to change, I can tell you it is not
easy. Yep, I still get the occasional dream, or a thought crosses my mind and I
wonder where it came from but I'm not going to act upon it. It disappears. But
I can promise you that if you are not a Christian, there is still help out there.
But if you are a Christian then you have a God who loves you and will bring
you wholeness, you see I believe that those who love Christ can become whole
again, as God intended. And I also think that that Dr. Alden was right when he
said that it was easier to help a homosexual than an alcoholic.

So keep faith. This is not going to be an easy fight, it will be a nasty one. I
spoke out the other day and what happened afterwards was not pretty. I was
attacked because I asked a question, "What if someone doesn't want to be
gay, can they change?" at a gay tea party at the local college. I was attacked
in the parking lot of McDonald's across the street.

So what do we need to do? We work, we write letters, we bring hope to one

another. We have to share and say, "I was once gay," and then explain
yourself with clarity and reason.

We also need to support PFOX and other groups, with time, talent and money
so that they can get their programs into schools across the country. In the
end, it will be the courage of ex-gays, the belief that God will truly help and
the support of our friends and family that will push the issue to the forefront.
But as I said, it ain't easy baby and I have learned a lot.

But I want those of you who strugle with your feelings to know that I too once
struggled and suffered and in time, I changed.

God bless.

Steven

244
Frank tells his story

The turning point came to me back in the late 1990's. For a while up until
then, I was a gay male actively pursuing conquests of any kind. I strictly kept
it exclusively with those I knew and not with strangers. The turning point
happened when I just did not enjoy it anymore and all that it was simply
addiction to oral sex.

I never went all the way. Oral Sex was as far as I went and it was because for
that long that I did, it did give me a pleasurable feeling all over my body and it
also gave me a feeling of satisfaction. But then the reality will always set in
and you will feel as empty as you were before performing the sexual act. That
is why I kept doing it because of the feeling that I got as well as the feeling of
fullness that I received afterwards gave me that certain feeling of satisfaction.
That is why I found it difficult to resist because of the pseudo positive feelings
that I got from performing the act.

Also, it was also because of selfishness. Not on my part but on the part of the
other guys. Those guys would always come to me and ask me to perform oral
sex and when I refused because I really did not want to do it anymore, they
would resort to begging or even worse, expose their erections and I would give
in and perform. This went on for years. I was being used as a plaything for
these selfish guys and I felt powerless because of this.

Even though I was not performing anything sexual for a long time, the
feelings, cravings, desires and all other sorts of related things regarding them
kept coming back and I would always feel miserable because due to public
opinion regarding Homosexuality/Gayness, I felt that there was nothing that
could be done about my homosexuality and so I would always wish that I was
dead.

Then I started reading ex-gay books. Finally, I felt that a twenty ton weight
had been lifted off of my shoulders. I was finally getting answers. I felt better.

But it did take me years to find out about change. I even went to psychologists
as well as psychiatrists where I only got frustrated because they kept telling
me the same old thing: "You Are Gay. It Is Natural. There's Nothing That You
Can Do About It. Embrace It And Live It. Forget About Ever Changing It." I
could not do that! It would've only made me miserable if I did. I kept going
because something always kept telling me that there was a way out.

As a wise man once said: "Persistance and Perserverance Pays Off." I do have
to agree. Because I typed in the Yahoo search engine this question: "Can Gay
Men Go Straight?" I got over 10,000 entries and the one that caught my eye
was the entry that had the link to the book entitled You Don't Have To Be Gay
by Jeff(Bud) Konrad. I ordered it via Amazon and read it. It opened my eyes.
Nearly two decades of questions were finally answered.

245
I have also read some other books, not directly dealing with
Homosexuality/Gayness/SSA, but can be a help to people that are struggling
with it. Below are the books that I have read:

Absent Fathers, Lost Sons: The Search For Masculine Identity by Guy Corneau

Healing The Unaffirmed: Recognizing Emotional Deprivation Disorder by

Conrad Baars and Anna Terruwe

Your Inner Child Of The Past by W.Hugh Misseldine(sp)

I had an absent father. I only spent a brief time with him when I was 8-9 years
old. It was the worst experience. He was a religious fanatic who never gave me
love. Only punishment. Each and every time that I made a mistake, he slapped
me around. He expected perfection but when he did not get it, he let me have
it. The rest of my life, he was never around and I was lost in the world because
of it.

--Frank

Keep the Faith

After being straight for 29 years now, I look back and wonder how I was ever
gay. Two kids, a wife, all the great trappings of suburban life and unlike some
peopel claim, I don't wonder what I missed. I don't think about going to a gay
bar or sex with a man. I think about other stuff, getting leaves out of the
gutter without falling off the roof, getting enough money to pay for my
youngest son's college and getting the car to the garage for a tune-up.

I admire all those who make the change from the left hand lane...and my
heart goes out to them. I left homsexuality through psychotherapy, before it
changed. I didn't have to face a society with magazines and tv promoting the
lifestyle as something wonderful. Althougth my mother thought it was perfectly
okay and sent me to live with three gay men when I was 17.

I wasn't a Christian, I was a guy who asked, why am I queer? What makes me
this way? Do I have to be this way if I don't want to?

But now, it's cool to be gay. There are high school clubs, college clubs and gay
men and women believe in their cause. They fight for it, they seek to make
everyone believe in it by legislating, by creating safe havens, by marching,
rallies and parades. They create a beautiful spectacle of freedom from
conventional behavior. "Loud and Proud!"

So to those who seek to leave, who seek to change, I can tell you it is not
easy. Yep, I still get the occasional dream, or a thought crosses my mind and I
wonder where it came from but I'm not going to act upon it. It disappears. But
I can promise you that if you are not a Christian, there is still help out there.
But if you are a Christian then you have a God who loves you and will bring
you wholeness, you see I believe that those who love Christ can become whole

246
again, as God intended. And I also think that that Dr. Alden was right when he
said that it was easier to help a homosexual than an alcoholic.

So keep faith. This is not going to be an easy fight it will be a nasty one. I
spoke out the other day and what happened afterwards was not pretty. I was
attacked because I asked a question, "What if someone doesn't want to be
gay, can they change?" at a gay tea party at the local college. I was attacked
in the parking lot of McDonald's across the street.

So what do we need to do? We work, we write letters, we bring hope to one

another. We have to share and say, "I was once gay," and then explain
yourself with clarity and reason.

We also need to support PFOX and other groups, with time, talent and money
so that they can get their programs into schools across the country. In the
end, it will be the courage of ex-gays, the belief that God will truly help and
the support of our friends and family that will push the issue to the forefront.
But as I said, it ain't easy baby and I have learned a lot.

But I want those of you who strugle with your feelings to know that I too once
struggled and suffered and in time, I changed.

God bless.

Stuart

Dave’s Testimony: Beloved-A Journey From Rejection To Acceptance

Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do
not be deceived, neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, not adulterers,
nor those who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor
drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such
were some of you, but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you
were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.
1 Corinthians 6:9

That verse is my story, and it’s one of finding true love, acceptance, power and
protection in the arms of Abba Father. David in Hebrew means “beloved”. My
story is a journey of realizing that I am what my name says I am—beloved.

In the 60’s an unwanted pregnancy was looked upon with much scorn and
shame. So I came into this world feeling rejection from mom, dad,
grandparents, the rest of my family, and society. Many say that I was an
illegitimate child, but now I know that there is no such thing--only illegitimate
parents. My father never married my mom, and I have never met him. Despite
many efforts to meet him, Ray has chosen to continue to shut me out of his
life. Mom married my stepfather when I was 6 months old. Walter was a
Vietnam veteran who experienced the horrors of war. He was also a physically
abusive alcoholic. As a child, I called the police when he pulled a knife on my
mom and when he pried the hinges off the bathroom door to get to her. I felt
that he rejected me and chose to focus his attention on my younger brother,
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his namesake. My parents divorced when I was young. Because of this, I never
had a dad to play catch with or to run to when I was afraid.

Mom was irresponsible and unpredictable in her love. Her whole life was
plagued with mental illness, with severe depressions and then bouts of mania.
Sometimes I wouldn’t hear from her for long periods of time, and then she
would call many times a day. Stability in my life came from my grandmother
who lived 2 blocks away. This strong-willed, kind and extremely generous
woman not only raised me, but also provided for me financially and
emotionally. In school, I was painfully shy and reclusive. Allergies and asthma
kept me from gym class and sports. When teams were chosen, I was always
picked last. I felt rejection, and I also rejected myself with feelings of low self-
esteem and self-hatred. Finally, someone really paid attention to me. He was
an older second cousin who sexually molested me at age 12.

At the insistence of my devout grandmother, I was active in a liberal mainline

church. At age 15, I accepted Christ as my savior at an evangelistic seminar.
Although I still went to the same spiritually-dead church, I grew by reading
Christian books and listening to Christian radio. When it came time for college,
I attended a conservative Christian school. There I grew relationally with
others and began my journey out of shyness. My family could not afford a
private school education for me, but God miraculously provided with a campus
job and government grants. I was able to graduate with only $2,000 in school
loans.

After graduation, I headed to Washington, DC to pursue a career in politics and

began attending a non-denominational church, where I was baptized. I soon
became aware of a growing same sex attraction that was becoming
overwhelming, so I got involved in Regeneration, an ex-gay ministry. My life
was finally starting to click. I became a support group leader and began a
serious dating relationship with a girl named Karen. At this point, I began to
trust God not only as my savior, but also as Lord of my life. I had a fantastic
relationship with Him, others and myself. I was on top of the world.

Then, my world came crashing down. It seemed that every summer I was
plagued by a persistent and deepening depression. That year, it became so
strong that I experienced extreme stress and panic attacks. I lost my job, my
girlfriend, and the peace I felt from God. I remember crying out to God but I
felt that the heavens were silent. After seeking help from an incompetent
counselor, I plunged into a suicidal depression. I was obsessed with dying and
going straight to hell. I even began hallucinating. A new counselor rescued me
with medication and therapy. Then, my deep depression was followed by an
equally unrestrained manic phase. I started many businesses, had grandiose
ideas, and plunged head-first into the gay lifestyle. My life was filled with
anonymous sexual partners and hanging out at gay bars, beaches and
bathhouses. I decided to seek acceptance from those who could relate to me
best—other gays. However, rejection, not acceptance, was what I felt the
most. I was rejected by those who were more muscular and handsome than I.
And, I rejected those who didn’t measure up in my eyes. I allowed myself to
be treated in ways I would never otherwise allow. And, I treated others in
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ways I would never otherwise treat them. All of this was based on looks. For 7
years, I became the prodigal son with my “to hell with the world” attitude.

I didn’t choose to have homosexual feelings. I believe the development of my

same-sex attraction was rooted in a number of factors: an absent father,
abusive stepfather, strong-willed grandmother, passive grandfather, sensitive
personality and sexual abuse. These were things that happened to me.
However, there were things that I did to contribute to my problem. I chose
how to respond to what happened in my childhood. And, I chose to act on my
same-sex attractions and discount the power of God’s grace in my life. This
choice to pursue the gay lifestyle not only endangered my physical life, but
also my relational, emotional and spiritual life. It also led to a life-dominating
sexual addiction that would take years of pain and struggle to overcome.

Father God lovingly, and persistently, pursued me. And, in 2000, I started on
my journey back home. I returned to Regeneration and began to deal with my
overwhelming sexual addiction as well as the roots of my same-sex attraction.
I also entered into an accountable relationship with a ministry leader and
began attending and serving in a local church. I was also able to forgive my
mother and the cousin who molested me.

Gradually, I was able to forgive my stepfather (a man I hated for over 20

years) and begin a relationship with him and my brother. Now we don’t see
each other without an “I love you” and a hug. That forgiveness allowed me to
help reconcile my sister with her dad. What a blessing it was to be able to take
my 9 year-old nephew to see his grandfather for the first time! Now my family
has been restored. For many years I prayed about my dad’s alcoholism. In
2009, he went to a treatment center and then regular AA meetings and he has
been sober ever since. He even visits other veterans who are dealing with
post-traumatic stress disorder and alcoholism. A few years ago, I learned that
he had always wanted to adopt me and my mom wouldn’t let him (which
caused a lot of friction in their marriage). After waiting around for him to
initiate the adoption discussion, I decided to bring it up. I feel that this is a
way to publicly acknowledge the healing that has taken place in our
relationship and it’s a way for me to honor him and him to honor me. So on
my upcoming birthday, I will be formally adopted.

The same day I contacted my step-father about adoption, I also decided to try
(once again) to reach out to my biological father, so I sent him this testimony.
A week later I had a strong prompting to pray for him, and I did for three
days. A month later, he called me and we talked for almost two hours. I told
him that I didn’t want anything from him, but I had a gift for him. I thought
that he was stuffing the emotions of guilt and shame since I was born. I said
that I would like to meet him and my family, but would wait until he was
ready. I haven’t heard back from him yet, but think that I will be travelling to
Fargo, ND sometime soon to meet him.

My journey to wholeness and holiness has not been quick or painless, and
many times I stumbled along the way, but Father God was always present. I
let go of quick, fleeting counterfeit “love” (lust and sex) and slowly developed
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true and lasting love through deep meaningful relationships with others and
God. I learned how to love others correctly and love myself again. I have also
learned to rely on God. He has shown me, through promises in His Word and
through my experiences with Him, that He is faithful. As I step out in faith,
trusting His promises, I have seen that He will protect me, he will provide for
me, and he will bless my efforts. Most importantly, I have come to know what
it means to have God as my father. Growing up without a healthy father figure
hindered my growth into masculinity. Abba Father is healing many of these
deficits. He has shown Himself as a strong provider, protector and caring dad
who adores me whether I perform or not. As I learn to be loved by the “Father
to the fatherless”, I am growing into the man He wants me to be. As Abba
lavishly meets my needs for love and acceptance, I am able to love Him and
others correctly and abundantly. My desire is that all of my purity, giving,
serving, loving and sharing flows from this supply of limitless love and
acceptance, for I am beloved.

For Ex-gay Eyes Only

For Us is the place for ex-gays to read and anonymously post our honest
feelings without fear of judgment or condemnation from others. This is our
space! Tell us why you left or are thinking of leaving the homosexual or lesbian
lifestyle, how you have adjusted, how you now view gays and everstraights,
tips for others coming out of the lifestyle, you name it! Nothing is off limits –
just be honest!

u know we seperate our selves from everyone

its not the str8s that do the most seperating its the gays...
its the gays that do the segregating
they make up their own community
they have to act a certain way now b/c they are out and its stupid they act all
gay
So basically they aren't being themselves
We convince ourselves that we are born gay to make ourselves feel better

I am a woman and I had a relationship with another woman. She really had
some emotional problems. The relationship with her was just one big emotional
rollercoaster. She put me in debt. I remember when this happened to me,
when one day I just came home and broke down crying, my mom took me in
her arms and told me that she didn't understand why someone like me would
settle for someone like her.

She said that even if I was going to date girls, that I should look for someone
with values and who really would respect me and who would treat me right.
But my mom had not lost me because she was giving a little by letting me be
who I thought I was (ie, gay). When my mom did this, you know, even though
that very second I didn't become heterosexual or anything, I knew right then

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and there that my mom did love me and that no matter what, she would be
there for me. That is so important.

The last time I was in a homosexual relationship was when I was 21. So it's
been 3 years, and I have been dating my male fiancé, Sam, for almost 1 year.
It took me a couple of years to really change, and even in the last couple of
years, trying to date men was strange. I had come to the conclusion that I
really was probably not going to marry, and so I became an Air Force Officer,
only to right after meet the man God had for me. But it's all in God's timing
and plan, so I am happy to have a career for now, and to serve my country,
and to get married to a man who I deeply love and respect, who has become
my best friend. It doesn't matter in my mind that I struggled so long to date
men, because you only marry one, right?

The decision to change, for me, was not based on feelings. My sexuality was
no longer my identity. My identity became me being a child of God, and
seeking Him for fulfillment, not another human being in a sexual relationship. I
think this is also why I was fine in concluding that maybe I would just be single
for the rest of my life, and maybe why God allowed me to come to that point
and even commit to that (by taking the plunge and becoming an officer) before
allowing me to meet Sam. That way I was taught to seek God for happiness,
not a person (Sam). I know now that even if I hadn't met Sam, I would have
been fine. Sam is a gift, but not a necessity. God is my necessity.

It not just the fact that gays want to believe their sexuality is right and
acceptable, they want everyone else to believe it too, that way it lets them off
the hook. It's almost as if they think the more people they can get to accept
and agree with the gay lifestyle, the more accepting God will be with it. I know
because that’s what I used to do.

Even though I am a woman, all of my life I hated everything to do with what I

thought was being female. I hated lace, pink, dresses, etc. I hated going to
etiquette classes and crossing my ankles and folding my hands in my lap. I
hated not being able to bite my nails. I wanted to be outside. I wanted to run
and play and sweat and stink. I also hated being told I could not do something
because I was a girl. When I was a lesbian, I never thought I would like being
taken care of by a husband, but now I admit it is kind of nice.

My ex-gay husband was just the opposite of me growing up. He liked being
inside as a child. He liked to be clean and have new clothes and go shopping.
He got his first iron and ironing board when he was 3. He was considered
"mamma's boy." He never expected to be taking care of someone. He never
expected to be a hero. He was always looking for a hero.

But my how things have changed. God certainly has a sense of humor with us
as an ex-gay couple and He has all of this planned out. The way it works at our

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house is, I do the yard work, wash the cars, maintain the cars, do the laundry
and clean the bathrooms. He cooks the meals, cleans the kitchen daily, irons
the clothes, vacuums, and other household chores that I hate and he loves. He
handles all the money. I hate doing bills, I hate having to keep up with that
stuff. If it were up to me to take care of the finances we would be poverty
stricken. But at the end of the day, He's the Husband and I am the Wife.

He's the dad to the kids and I am the mom. It works for us. As far as
personalities, i have always thought more like a man. I spent most of my
childhood as one of the guys and I liked them better. I am learning though
that I can have emotions and show them and that does not make me a sissy.
There is this horrible misconception out there about gay men and women.
When people learn that either of us were gay they are somewhat shocked
because they expect him to be a sissy and me to be some butch. Directly on
the contrary.

Anyway, I have rambled enough. I just wanted to share that with y'all. There
is someone for everyone if that is what God chooses for us. I believe there are
those that God calls to celibacy. But he has someone for most of us. I am
blessed to have a husband that balances me out so well and he feels the same
about me. Where I am weak, he is strong and where he is weak, I am strong.
And God fills in all the other spots where we miss the mark.

—Madeline C.

Ex-Gay Pride -- "Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So." Psalms 107:2
"Whom He has redeemed from the power of the devil." That's us, so let's
celebrate and tell everyone!

I was thinking about this one experience that I had when I was acting out in
adult theaters. This was many years ago now, but I was sitting there, trying to
attract this one guy’s attention, but I couldn't.

I felt as though there was this bubble over me that was made out of two way
mirror material. I could see out, but the other people couldn't see me or
interact with me. I kept waving at this one guy, and wanted to attract his
attention in the worst way.

All to no avail. I watched him as he went over to the guy next to me and
began to be sexually active with that other guy. I watched as he dropped his
drawers. Then I saw it. . . . he had active Kaposi's. In other words, he had end
stage full-blown AIDS.

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God protected me from it that day.
I've often asked myself, "Why did God protect me and yet allowed so many
others to get the disease and/or die from it?" I don't have a good answer for

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that. But I'm grateful. I also know that if I were to ever go and be sexually
active with a member of my same sex ever again, (an idea that's totally
repulsive to me), that I would most likely contract HIV at that point. Definitely
not worth it.

And while I was in boot camp in the service, I could see no action of any kind
going on with anybody and thus my struggle was a lot easier than it would
have been.

—Rod

I remember how it was. One reason why militant gay people try so hard to be
accepted is because they can't seem to accept themselves---so they want
others to do it for them -- for an affirmation. Gays *know* the truth deep
inside. Some do their best to follow up on that truth, some try to shove it far
enough down into their hearts so they can play "oblivious" games with it, while
others try to literally wring it out of their own hearts like water out of a soaked
sponge with twisted scripture and social politics--just so they can claim
innocence in the sight of God. All just for heartless, empty and meaningless
satisfaction of the flesh....pity.

The Healing Path Out of Homosexuality - by a JONAH member

The healing path out of same-sex attractions leads each of us back to the man
we are, always were, and deserved to be.

We became attracted to men because we learned to see ourselves as

insufficient or not manly. Some of us were taught that we had to hide and lie
to avoid pain and get approval. We all tried to connect with masculinity from
outside, by loving another man's masculinity.

But none of this is true. We - you - already are sufficiently masculine. The
healing process involves realizing this and embracing it.

In this process we do not change ourselves - we return to ourselves, and fulfill

ourselves. We finally believe in our own masculinity - which was always there.
We finally trust our own worth.

For Us

For Us is the place for ex-gays to read and anonymously post our honest
feelings without fear of judgment or condemnation from others. This is our
space! Tell us why you left or are thinking of leaving homsexuality, how you
have adjusted, how you now view gays and everstraights, tips for others
coming out of homosexuality, you name it! Nothing is off limits – just be
honest! Email posts to: pfox@pfox.org

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Got an ex-gay personal experience for For Us?

This is strange I didn't know these sites existed, I just put in ex gays and here
I am. I'll do the best I can. Since the age of 7 I started having same sex
attractions. By the age of 15 I was having sex with girls and that continued
until I was 29. That was almost 3yrs ago. I had on Dec 25, 2003 finished being
intimate with my girlfriend and she left the bedroom and I was sitting on the
side of the bed with the TV on. Bishop Tu Tu was on 20/20 talking about Jesus
and out of nowhere I heard like a loud voice say, " Repent, Repent YOU’RE
GOING TO HELL TURN, FROM YOUR WICKED WAYS." My girlfriend came back
in the room I was shaking and crying and she asked me what was wrong and I
said to her we have to REPENT.

Now, up to that point I had never used or really understood what repent
meant, but, I got on my knees and cried out to God and asked for forgiveness
for my sins and God as my witness when I got off my knees my life has never
been the same. I threw away all of my lesbian sex toys and anything having to
do with sex. I haven't cut my hair since that time. I used to be a Stud, even
down to my underwear. But I gave all my boy clothes away and me and my
girlfriend broke up and went our separate ways. I'm now a member of a Bible
believing Church and a Sunday School Teacher for 10-12 year old girls. It's
been very strange and scary at times. Somedays I don't feel like I belong but,
the Holy Spirit has truly been my Comforter. I know by the Power of God I am
healed and delivered it's just my mind has to be transformed Rom 12:1-2.

Keep me in your Prayers, Peace!

—Maleeka

I will tell you from my own experience raising my son (in a lesbian household)
whose biological dad was still in his life. My son used to lament that he was the
"only " male in the house and "even the dog was a girl!" I love my son, and
myself enjoy all the things males tend to enjoy, the outdoors, working on the
house, building, lawn work, sports etc. My son and I golf and motorcycle
together, but he STILL NEEDS HIS DAD's INFLUENCE! I f anyone is doing
research out there, you can contact me!

I asked my exhusband to take my son during his high school years because he
NEEDED the maleness of his father. He needed the role model of what it
means to be a "father" not a mother. And what it means to be a "protector"
not only of women but his younger sisters and the responsibilities of that duty.
If women are "real" about themselves and not living in their "female fantasy
world" (I'm sorry if I sound harsh), they "know in their knowers" that boys
desire to relate to men and to bond w/other males.

Does it mean females cant' raise boys by themselves? No, it does not, but it is
NOT the optimal form of being raised and I have a son who is "proof" of the
necessity of his dad in his life and how it's helped in his maturing as a male,

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not an "oppressor". I think God has a real sense of humor and is allowing
lesbian women like I was to have sons to teach them lessons needed to learn.
I wonder if they will wake up and smell the coffee?

—Betty

Why not seek help for homosexuality? Can you imagine what used to be said
about AA before it became popular ?? I vividly remember my mother standing
in the living room telling me that my father had an "incurable disease" called
alcoholism and that there was "nothing" that could be done about it.

Even at the tender age of 11, I questioned that rationale to myself and since
then have seen, read, and known about the innumerable amount of people
who have "conquered" this "incurable disease" because two men had the
courage to speak out against the masses. So many people want to keep a
problem a problem by rationalizing it - NO THANK YOU - I like the idea of
coming up with probable solutions instead. –

— Donna

My daughter spouted all the gay rights lines to us. She said she was born that
way, that she'd loved her former boyfriend like a brother, that this wasn't just
a passing phase, this was who she was, she'd always been gay and had just
come out, why would she "choose" something like that when gays are treated
so terribly, etc. Then her lesbian relationship turned into a nightmare for her.
There were multiple breakups with lesbian lovers before one finally took. Then
she moved to a different city and got a new job. The first week, a boy where
she worked asked her out and that was the end of the gay life. I think it's
easier for girls to just return to the heterosexual world, especially when they
move to a new city.

—From a mother of an ex-gay

My biggest regret is my total ignorance concerning same sex attractions (SSA).

Because I had no knowledge, I didn't know how to help my son. Because I
experienced deep grief, I wasted some time before I was able to look at the
problem and react by learning. I would love to see a world armed with the
knowledge and truth of SSA before a crisis arises. We know what to do about
drugs, alcohol etc., with our children, but with SSA we just hope it never
happens and don't pay too much attention until it does. Then BAM, we crawl
into bed and pull the covers over our head, never intending to step into the
world again. With education and knowledge we as parents could avoid some
unknown mistakes, step in sooner, and provide help and resources to support
our children, just like we would in any other situation.

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—A Mom

Dear PFOX,

I am a teenager who had gone through a rough time when my parents

divorced. In short of all my difficulties, I sought help professionally with a
psychitrist who offered to give me insight into my own sexually. i found the
topic inappropriate as his suggestions to embrace possible same sex attraction
as normal because i knew deep inside i was not gay. despite my opposition
towards the topic, i have come to realize that people my age have few
resources to turn to when they come to crisis at home. i realized after
watching a show called 'Straight Men in Gay World' that there is a continual
form of hypocrisy to embrace their lifestyle yet amend our own without
question.

I am writing that i agree with your position to encourage those who seek help
ways of finding it. by looking onto your website in my time of crisis, i managed
to survive to see another day becuase i was hopelessly lost and confused on
what to think about myself, my family and my faith.

i thank you for bringing about this site because i also have a relative who is
gay and didn't even know such groups existed. however, her blindness to the
world around her continues to keep her in a cloud about her lifestyle that any
viewpoint otherwise is "hate". i resent this because for one, i love her because
she will always be family and two, i want her happy. but i do not agree with
the Gay-Rights bias on religion who clearly points the faults in others, but not
themselves.

—A teen

A guy I knew once asked me if I knew he was gay. I replied, "I knew you were
effeminate but I didn't know you were gay. Not all gay men are effeminate and
not all effeminate men are gay."

He seemed shocked to finally meet someone who understood.

There are some people I meet who have been forced into the homosexual
lifestyle simply because they are too "pink" (for the men) or too "butch" (for
the women).

Then there are those who are simply scared of various aspects of the opposite
sex and don't know where to turn. Then they are offered the "safety" of
homosexuality. I have met women who never had to "grow up" through that
point where you cross over to the line from "disliking" boys to finding boys
attractive. And then they get "harvested" by a local lesbian and then they
never, ever has to cross over at all.
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I know of one woman who whenever she met a family member who found out
about her "preferences" she would demand they accept her and if they didn't
she would declare them not to be a "member of the family." Man! Talk about
intimidation!

—Jerry

HI everybody,

I thought I would give my observations about the Exodus conference last

summer:

At the ex-gay conference, a married couple addressed the audience. They

spoke about their only son. He was an emotionally dependent relationship with
another young man who was abusive to him and his dog. Finally, after three
years, their son decided to enter into counseling to leave homosexuality. He
left his boyfriend and moved into his own apartment. The night before he was
to begin counseling, his ex-boyfriend raped him and strangled him. The father
of the dead son apologized to the ex-gays in the audience for having made
negative remarks about gays before he found out that his own son was gay.
The audience gave him a standing ovation in response.

Jerry Falwell also spoke. He talked about allowing gay activists in his church.
He said Soulforce's Mel White moved from California to Lynchburg, Virginia
because Falwell was there. White and his gay activists used to attend Falwell's
church and stand up together as a group whenever Falwell or his recovery
director spoke about homosexuality. White eventually stopped doing that
because some of the gay activists ended up converted to the faith and in the
church's recovery program. Falwell said one of them is now attending Liberty
Baptist seminary. Falwell also spoke about why gay activists are so riled up
against ex-gays.

Another speaker talked about the new theology known as gay theology, which
reinterprets the Bible to explain away the sin of sodomy. The speaker
explained that some gays are using gay theology to justify their homosexual
behavior to themselves. If you are comfortable being gay, you won't need
religion to justify your lifestyle. It's only those gays who are guilty about what
they are doing that need to convince themselves and others around them that
sodomy is not a sin. (This made sense to me. My gay friends know that
sodomy is condemned in the Bible and could care less. It doesn't affect their
lifestyle and they don't try to convince me or others that the Bible is wrong.
After all, man was made in God's image and not the other way around.)

Regina Griggs of PFOX held a parent's group meeting. Some parents remarked
on how their children disapproved of their attendance at this ex-gay
conference and other ex-gay activities. We laughed as we contrasted it with
parental disapproval of a child's attendance at gay pride events. We met a
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young woman who had been a gay activist for over six years. She and her
parents still don't talk. We also met another ex-lesbian who also does not
communicate with her parents because they don't want any of their Christian
friends to know that she was once gay, so they won't talk to her until she stops
participating in ex-gay events and making speeches; in other words, goes into
the closet. Regina was very helpful to these wounded children.

Dr. Nancy Heche spoke to parents about her life. She has a daughter with
brain cancer and asked us to pray for her. She said our Christian walk should
prepare us for anything. She said that God always gives us a second chance to
get it right. Whatever happens to you in your life can serve to advance the
Gospel. Always bless your children, regardless if you communicate with them
or not. The blessing releases God's power to change the destiny of the person
you are blessing. Don't be surprised at life's painful trial. God is always there.

One ex-gay minister spoke about a "Who's Your Daddy?" prayer service that
he once attended. Everyone who never knew their fathers were invited up to
the altar and prayed for. He went up and realized right then and there that
God is his father.

I was so blind & gullible when I was in the gay lifestyle thinking it was my safe
haven as well as "heaven" on earth. Look at me now...I have been getting
nowhere as I would not be able to find Mr. Right since too many guys don't
want to commit despite their statements about wanting to find someone and
get settled down. Guess their words are empty....just talk and no action!
Having seen so many gay guys my age or older who still would party, drink, do
drugs & try to sleep with many men as possible in which they would do the
same thing 10-20 years ago but no plans to change. So it is not something
that I would like to see for myself in the future! It is indeed a very empty &
depressing lifestyle!

I dated quite a few guys where I really felt a strong bond but it never worked
out. I have seen many gay couples who would eventually become
"roommates" or "brothers" in that they no longer have a relationship together
but instead become best buddies. Too many gay relationships easily dissolve
into liquid sooner or later. These who would remain in relationships, would
show signs of strong misery & bondage.

No wonder many gays would cheat on their “spouses” by seeking action with
other guys for the thrills of enjoying sex with different men! Also, many gay
couples would have a third person involved in order to add spice to their
relationship! How pathetic they would have to do in attempt to salvage their
relationships! Therefore, I just couldn't see myself in a gay relationship even if
it should last for years. I would only feel so trapped & miserable screaming to
escape the relationship. Many gays would want out but may not do so due to
being financially dependent on their lovers.

—Guess who
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I am happy to be able to have feelings toward the opposite sex that I do my
best not to look at any good looking guys as it would not be worth my time or
efforts. Guess I am kinda addicted at admiring great looking guys since I am
never satisfied with how I look no matter how hard I try. Some people would
comment that I am quite good looking but I don't look masculine by any
means.

Always having wished to be more beefy or muscular to display degrees of

being manly, I guess it is rather silly now as I see many guys like me married
to wonderful women. Praise to these women to overlook their husbands' less
macho physical qualities as looks aren't everything! I do know some beautiful
looking gay men but I would not want to touch them with a ten-foot pole as
they only are good at causing heartaches!Anyway, having a woman to love me
for whom I am, would be wonderful as being with her would make me feel like
a real man! I would want to hold her hand, comfort, support, encourage and
help her in any way I can while she would do the same for me as well.

The only big drawback is that I realized how wrong the gay lifestyle is when I
am older..not in my twenties or thirties but at the age of 37-38. I just hope it
won't be too late to start over as there is so much life to live & experience.
Why, I wish I would have felt this way years ago but guess it is better late
than never!

—Me

When it comes to a gay relationship, it is difficult to determine who would be

the "man" or "woman" which bothered me a lot. It was rather difficult to
imagine myself in either category when it comes to a gay relationship. Why, it
would mean that I could decide to switch to either category sometimes. I
would most definitely feel very awkward being the "woman" in the gay
relationship. The same would go for being the "man" in that relationship. Being
the "man" where the other person is a man doesn't click well with me. Men
should act like men all the time. It is a great shame that many gays never
learn how to be real men due to being raised in dysfunctional surroundings! So
when it comes to a straight relationship, it is effortless to figure where I should
be...the man in the relationship so there won't be any conflicts in my role.

—Alex

I tend to feel comfortable with female peers than with other guys out there in
the mainstream world. So what I need is to start hanging around with straight
guys and learn from them on how to be a man. I only hope that they won't be
too sport-oriented as I don't exactly dig sports, LOL! In the past when I spoke
with straight men, I would tend to think what they would look in the nude
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along with fantasies about seducing them even if it would never become
reality. That way, it clouded my efforts to develop healthy relationships with
straight men. If I am fortunate to develop great relationships with straight
men, I would lose the feeling of having the need to have gay friends!

Also, I have to learn how to approach women in a different fashion like what
straight men would do. Too often, I would want to be their "sister" where they
would regard me as one of the girls but in a male body!

—Ed

When I first started experiencing a desire toward women years ago, I would
put the feelings under the rug thinking these would go away. But no, they
would become stronger and stronger with time passing so I have no choice but
to embrace these feelings. I thought I was undergoing a bisexual phase in
which gays would like to describe that but it is not the case! Apparently, it is
here to stay! It is a fact that many gays who would be totally gay their entire
lives w/ no previous heterosexual experiences, would start experiencing
feelings toward women at some point in their life...probably in their 30's or
40's that they would no longer be able to identify themselves strictly gay.

Some of them would adopt the label of being bisexual or straight later on while
the others would remain gay but probably have secret flings w/ women w/o
letting their gay friends know! Yet some gays would surprise everyone by
getting married to a woman! I only pray that my feelings toward women would
become stronger or remain the same when I find a woman. Would hate to see
my gay side return to take over one day so you see that human sexuality is
indeed a complicated business!

—Joe

I'm convinced the reason gays rarely find that "special person for life" is
because they're THE SAME SEX! Homosexual sex is about SELF-satisfaction,
there is no sense of completion with an "other", no union of two souls in a
physical act. It's just about mutual gratification.

—Been there, done that

Out of the tens of thousands of ex-gays out there, only about fifty to one-
hundred of them are public. There are a variety of reasons for this, but the
main one is that most of us are not real willing to have a bull's-eye painted on
our chest. Those ex-gays who are in the public eye get grief not only from the
radical pro-gay community, but many also get it from the Church. I know from
quiet discussion that there are many within the congregation where I am a

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member who would shun me in an instant if they knew the truth about me
being a former homosexual. My wife finds my story very embarrassing, even
now, which limits the discussion with others around us. We are making
progress, but I limit my exposure for the sake of my wife.

But things are changing. More and more ex-gays are standing up and making a
difference. In my view, it's a matter of time now. As the heat from the pro-gay
radicals increases, more and more of us are stepping out, a little at a time, to
speak up in various forums. It's happening. Maybe slowly, but it's happening.

—Mike

I think that it's horrible that there are actually groups out there that protest
change. This is just another obstacle that people, like myself, that are trying to
change have to overcome. I can see if someone is completely happy with their
gay lifestyle and show no interest whatsoever on changing that they simply not
try to change. It absolutely pisses me off that they are also brainwashing
people that want to change into believing that they can't. It's absolutely
absurd and selfish!

I can't even search the web for info about change without being bombarded
from websites of anti-ex-gay activists saying bad things about trying to
change. Although now, It goes in one ear and out the other with a roll of my
eyes, I remember a point in time where I was torn apart between one gay
therapist who said that change is ridiculous and anyone disagreeing is only
"fake" and lying to themselves, and an ex-gay therapist saying "don't give up".
It is because of this that I think it is sooo hard to initiate change.

These people should just mind there own damn business and allow people to
seek happiness. I think they do it because they are unhappy with their own
lives and don't want anyone with their same condition to succeed in ACTUALLY
finding REAL happiness. I'm sorry for whoever this might offend, but I just had
to vent. I'm tired of it already.

—Aaron

When I was a lesbian, I remember going to the gay MCC Metropolitan

Community Church and feeling so free at first - I thought I could have God and
my lesbian relationship. I thought everyone else was closed-minded. I did get
some positive things out of the church. But I was bothered because it was like
nothing was a sin. The pastor had a boyfriend yet he came on to my friend and
many other men there and it took forever before anyone said anything about
it.

Eventually that pastor left and another pastor came in. Well, this man was
bisexual. He was married and then started having an affair with another man.
They got kicked out of their church. Anyhow, he ended that relationship and
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ended up marrying another woman while he was pastor. And all these people
in the congregation were outraged by it and the church split. Then a woman
pastor took over and people were bothered by her too because after church
she drank, and some people thought she drank too much. And also it was no
big deal to go to church and then go to a gay bar.

So why am I saying all this? Well that gay affirming church was not stable. And
there was very little ever said about sin and it was probably off-base. I stopped
going anyway.

I will admit that my experiences are limited but I just have not met all these
great homosexuals couples that everyone talks about. And the whole thing
about lesbians having more stable relationships, just because people stay
together doesn't mean they are stable. At the same time it was very sad going
there because there were a lot of men who had HIV or full-blown AIDS and
while I was there three of them died.

And as far as lesbians not objectifying other women, well that is just not true,
many of them DO exactly that. "Oh look at that" when some pretty girl walks
by like some redneck construction worker. And the lover I was with, she did
the SAME thing to me, and I can't believe I am saying so, but it is true. She
sure didn't care about my mind or my heart or my goals.

I knew a guy that struggled with this, you know he was an outcast because he
was overweight. My lover said of him, "He is not pretty enough to be gay" Like
all that matters is what someone looks like or what someone weighs. He
worried me because he would drive to the lake and have anonymous sex while
he was engaged to a girl. And as far as lesbians being less violent - I think that
is a myth. Try being at a butch bar and see how many fights break out
because of jealous. I know a girl whose girlfriend stabbed her during an
argument. They fought physically all the time.

I cannot think of one gay or lesbian relationship that I have known the people
where there wasn't a lot of disfunction, so it is no wonder I came to my
conclusions that there was something wrong with the gay lifestyle. I cannot
see how others say that it is unhealthy or self-rejecting to acknowledge this
truth that I have seen with my own eyes. I sure didn't WANT to see it, but it
was there, it was real. I wish it wasn't this way, and I wish I hadn't seen these
things. I can't answer why, but I know that God doesn't want me to subject
myself to that.

In fact jealous is extremely COMMON in lesbian relationships. I had that

problem myself, although she was doing things and I had a reason to feel that
way. And I am not a violent person, yet she made me want to hit the wall
sometimes. All and all she brought out the worst in me. Maybe for some
people it is about love, well for me it wasn't. I thought it was love, but I was
very mistaken. And I would rather be alone the rest of my life than love or be
loved like that.

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So is it any wonder then that it finally occurred to me that maybe my family
had been right all along? This path might get lonely, because it might be hard
for a gay person in this world, but is sure isn't easy for an ex-gay. I don't know
what the future holds but this sure is better than being verbally abused and
being with someone that brings out all of my worst and none of my best.

My pain was not caused by my parents, it was caused by my own discomfort

with what was really in my heart, while I publicly professed to believe the
opposite. I don't think this was caused by an intolerant society, it was caused
by my own sense of right and wrong. And then to feel betrayed by every gay
person that was in my life at the time because I came out as ex-gay? I mean, I
was the one eating my words. And it HURT a great deal because I loved them
yet I was some kind of joke. I am not brainwashed into thinking it is wrong
either, I hate it when people think ex-gays are brainwashed. I USE my mind, I
have decided this on my own, God knows I would have never listened to
anyone else about it.

—Jean

Reasons that I didn't want to be a lesbian anymore:

1. I got tired of wearing plaid shirts
2. I don't want to carry my checkbook in my backpocket
3. I don't want a mullet haircut
4. I don't want to change the oil in my car, put a starter in it, or doing
anything else mechanical
5. I gave back the toaster oven
6. I can't open a beer bottle by breaking the top on the sidewalk
7. Because there is not room for two people going through PMS in the same
household

So What is a Good Approach

Maybe my anger gets a little misguided. I just didn't like the way my parents
handled it at all when I was in that lesbian lifestyle. It felt very isolating. If
someone could please show me how it benefited anyone at all for my father to
tell me I was going to Hell, or my mother calling me in tears and acting like
they were responsible for my soul, or telling me things I already knew. It just
didn't do any good to handle it like that. I am sorry. The timing was wrong, it
wasn’t in their hands but they wanted it to be. They wanted to play God with
my soul, well it was between me and the Lord and they needed to let it go
instead of making me feel like the biggest disappointment. I am not saying it
wasn't a burden for them, but it was my burden to have this on me all the
time, my parents miserable about what I was doing. It was just a horrible
feeling.

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I am not saying that they should have just embraced it. But quoting scriptures
to me and having no understanding of why I had made this kind of choice, and
putting that all on me didn't seem fair either. I am glad they prayed for me,
but telling me that all the time, well it seemed like I was being manipulated.
But they wouldn't talk about it really, just ambiguously say I worry about you.
Or my mom would criticize where I worked and tell me things like I would end
up working in restaurants my entire life, or tell me that if I didn't go back to
school that I never would. Of course it was always, "why don't you come home
and go back to school" what she really meant - "please get away from that
woman and come home."

She would criticize my hair color or something else, she just found things
wrong with me. I don't know if she did that because she couldn't talk about
what was really bothering her. But I didn't WANT all of that on me. I still don't,
I want them to forget about it completely and leave it all to God and stop
trying to control things without ever mentioning the real thing they worry
about.

It seemed like every time I called her she intentionally tried to make me feel
guilty. It was always, "oh you never come around", or "I didn't notice your
haircut because I never see you" or "she would never have not spent time with
her own mother". And I didn't want to be around them much because I felt so
guilty and she tried to make me feel guilty too. But she could mention
everything else she thought was wrong with my life.

I am not saying I know a good way to handle a son or daughter that has this
issue. But I think maybe an approach like, "You know what we believe, and
you also know that we love you, and let's try to understand this together. I
know how hard it was for you to tell me this and you are still my son/daughter.
Please can we pray about this and try to get the help that you need."
ARGGGGGGGH I don't know, I would have like that better than HELL HELL
HELL

—Tina

I got involved in lesbianism while in college. I don’t know why, just a vice I
guess. My other friends were lesbians too but quit when they left school. In
gay lingo, we’re known as LUGS (Lesbians Until Graduation). If any LUGS are
reading this, please post!

—From afar

I got married and both my husband and me were busy taking care of the
children, struggling to stay financially afloat, keep up with the house, the
usual. I didn’t have any real time to think about myself or the past, which was
good I guess. I never told my husband about my past and I don’t want to.

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Right now we’re at the point where we’re ahead, the kids are in school most of
the day, and thoughts are starting to creep in my head. Like I’ll be doing the
laundry and then all of a sudden I remember what it was like to caress a
female breast. It’ll hit me just like that. It’s not that I long for that again, but I
remember what it feels like and my husband knows what that feels like too
and sometimes I don’t look at him cuz we both know what it’s like to be with a
woman only he doesn’t know that I know. Does this all make sense? Some
days I’m Mom #1 helping with school and church events and the next day Im
wondering if anyone can tell that I used to be a lesbian. (HATE that word!)

I thought I was all alone. Desperate, I logged on to the internet and started
searching for “once upon a lesbian” or something like that. I had never heard
of ex-gay before. But I figured that there must be more like me out there. All
of these hits came up, including yours (PFOX). I started crying right at my
keyboard.

God bless you guys and gals for coming out of the closet (again). I wish it was
me, but I don’t have the courage (I live in a small town) and I love my
husband too much.

—Been there and done that

From a contented wife and former lesbian, I humbly utter these words of
wisdom to all ex-lesbian brides-to-be:

1. Men are different from us women. It’s not bad, just different.
2. Women can not be men, no matter how hard we practice.
3. Don’t ask your husband for sex when he’s watching football.
4. Also, Let him have the remote.
5. Sex is great with semen, so relax!
6. You don’t know what love is until you see your husband’s smile on
your child’s face.
7. Love him.
8. Love Him.

—Leslie – lesbian-free for over five years now

From Cindy:

I am laughing hysterically. My friend just called me to tell me my ex (Pam) is

getting married to another woman. I find this really funny, this is why it is
funny:

She already had a "holy union" with someone else - that only lasted two years.
"Lesbian holy union" is that an oxymoron?

Also, she and I only lasted five years together.

She knew this girl a few weeks before they moved in together, they haven't
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even know each other a year. Woohoo, I bet that is going to last. Oh that's
right, lesbian relationships usually DON'T last.

If I had the guts to write her I would say:

Dear Pam,

While you were busy laughing at me and telling everyone I was crazy for going
the ex-gay route and turning all of OUR associates against me I was busy
getting a life, getting myself together, and turning back to Christ. I went to a
therapist after I left you. I am now into a healthy state of mind.

When you started seeing someone else and lying about it I felt like my world
was falling apart. Little did I know that a new world was opening up for me. As
the line from Sound of Music goes, "God doesn't close a door without opening a
window". I spent six months doing nothing but improving myself, working in
therapy, and learning to see myself more as God sees me instead of the
person I became with you.

But unlike you, I have realized what I was, what I am, and what I can be.
Have you ever wondered why you go from lesbian relationship to relationship?
One day you are going to have to face yourself and stop justifying everything
that you do. There is a right and wrong, and the
truth isn't relative. Part of me doesn't blame you because I know that your
environment caused you to be some of the things you are. But how long are
you going to let your past define you?

You can laugh at me, wait for me to fall as an ex-gay, but you know what????
It isn't going to happen, I know too much now. I know that the consequences
of choosing lesbianism over God were very dire and I never want to make such
a poor choice again.

The Lord is healing me from those lesbian years. I never long to go back, I
never miss it. I wake up and am grateful that I am not by your side. As a
matter of fact, I am still trying to make up for all those lost years by
challenging myself, by working on who I think God wants me to be.

I have learned that just because my old gay friends no longer value me doesn’t
mean that I have no value. My worth is immeasurable to God. I know you are
probably never going to see how those lesbian years affected me in such a
negative way. I wanted to believe that the gay lifestyle was OK, but I never
could believe that totally because it wasn't the truth.

So you can laugh at my attempt at becoming ex-gay. I am sure there are

spying eyes that will inform you should I fall. But if I do the Lord will lift me
back up and I will keep going down this path because it is the only true one.

It seems like it was ALL just some really bad dream and I woke up and my life
was waiting FOR me to take it back. Can someone throw a magic wand over

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me and erase all of these things from my mind that I wish I didn't know, that I
wish I had never seen!

I looked up the website for the lesbian couple on the Amanda Lewis Show who
own that online lesbian store. It just really saddens me that innocent children
are walking around wearing things like, "Goddess Bless Us Everyone", "My
daddy's name is Donor", and "I was hatched by two chicks". I think that for
me, even though I am on a pretty liberal campus (Michigan State University), I
have chosen to surround myself with people who love God.

But I remember what it was like when I would have thought kids wearing stuff
like that is great. Maybe I have tried to forget these past couple of years that
people like that exist. We really should pray for those children. It's not their
fault, but there will come a day when they will have the opportunity to accept
Christ or reject Him, and this anti-God worldview is only going to make this
harder for them.

But to sell clothing for children involving these same types of things is much
different. It is politicizing children. So yeah, it is pretty sad, I can't believe they
are selling that stuff and people actually buy it.

—Gone Back Home

Dear Friends,

I recently left the homosexual lifestyle shortly before I placed myself under the
authority of Jesus Christ. To that end, I have joined a Christ centered church
with a ministry designed for men emerging from the homosexual lifestyle. I am
also taking intensive on-line Bible courses as well.

When I read about the S&M “pig party” in Chicago and the resulting death of
one of the gay participants, I was not surprised. We have exactly the same
thing going on here in Buffalo, although on a much smaller scale. The “bath
house” was closed last fall when asimilar party got out of hand and the police
were alerted. Curiously, the bath house was closed on building code violations,
and not on illegal use or on violating the S/M laws.

Sex parties are so common in the gay community that the behavior has ceased
to be shocking to the mainstream. A friend of mine had occasion to inform me
yesterday that 2/3 of the personal ads placed in the Buffalo News by gay men
were placed by men looking for anonymous hook ups. The local [homosexual]
web page likewise is packed with ads like that.

So, against this background, I made the right decision to leave the homosexual
lifestyle, while my health is still intact and young enough to begin a real family.
Curiously, all of my gay friends have abandoned me, and, on my part, I am
glad that they did. We now speak different
languages, and I have made a number of new Christian friends.

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In Jesus’ matchless name,

—Charles

Matthew Shepard Propaganda Play

Problems with Matthew Shepard propaganda is:

1. Gay activists exploited it for their own means to get access to special rights
for homosexuals.

2. Jesse Dirkshing and Matthew Curley have been killed by homosexuals but
there isn't a sympathy play about them.

3. More minorities like me are killed for being minorities than are homosexuals.

4. Matthew Shepherd propositioned two males whom he knew were not gay
because gays actively recruit and are aware that there's no such thing as “born
that way.”

5. If the sodomy laws had been enforced, there would be minimized violence
against active homosexuals and matthew shepherd would probably still be
alive today. Instead of adding sexual orientation to hate crime laws,
communities must start enforcing their sodomy laws and letting men know
that the correct response to unsolicited propositions by homosexuals whether
in bars or public restrooms is to report it to the police who can then prosecute
based on sodomy laws or some other laws to protect the community.

6. More homosexuals are killed by AIDS as a result of sodomy than are killed
by straight men.

7. More homosexuals are killed by other homosexuals (not including rough

sex) than by straight men. Example: Gay serial killer Andrew
Cunanan.

8. The gay subculture encourages anonymous sex without warning of the

dangers besides warning men to wear a condom. They need a public
awareness program highlighting the dangers of anonymous sex or one-night
stands with men. Women are aware of this danger because they're taught at a
young age by their mothers about the dangers of strange men. The reason
men don't get this warning is because they are not usually victimized by
women in these situations; it's almost always the other way around -- women
have to watch out for men (Sorry, guys!). But now that men are having sex
with men, the same warnings have to be taught to them as though they were
women.

—Jonathan and David aren’t lovers anymore.

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I left the gay life before becoming a Christian. It is not easy, but it can be
done. There are Jews who are leaving the life, and Mormons, and Hindus as
well. It is not just Christians, it is men who ask the simple question - if this is
right, why does it feel so wrong? And let their intellect and human curiosity
and desire to know truth (which is a very masculine trait) guide them. It is
easier to be a Christian and leave the life, but it is not the only way. Even
Objectivists (Ayn Rand's Philosophy of man as a noble animal - does not
support homosexuality...and her philosophy is one of atheism.) So there are
ways out beyond Christianity.

If something is not biological, then what is it? Behavioral. And behavior can be
changed. Most of the time with love and direction.

—A changed man

Ex-Gay Pride -- "Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So." Psalms 107:2

"Whom He has redeemed from the power of the devil."

That's us, everybody, so let's celebrate and tell everyone!

Trust me, if God can save me, then He can save anyone. Temptation doesn't
define who we are. Temptation defines who Satan is. Temptation is not sin.
Being tempted is not sin. Only giving in to temptation is sin.

—Free at last

The New Civil War: Gay vs. Ex-Gay

Why do gay activists hate us so much? Live and let live, I say. What our
opposition calls us: everstraight women are "breeders" (the Lesbian Avengers
must have come up with that!), former lesbians are "penis finders", and ex-
gay men are "asshole quitters." (HA!Contempt or envy?)

I don't know about you, but I would be proud to be called any one of those
names, so there!

—Amy, call me child of God

As a 15 year old girl, I was not real interested in boys. However, I was not a
Tom Boy or someone we might label as boyish. I was just a late bloomer, I
think. I sort of had a boy friend and I emphasize that he was a boy and a
friend. We sort of dated, well, he didn't consider it a date since we weren't
boyfriend/girlfriend, but he asked, he planned, he paid, it was a date. He had a
regular girlfriend, but we still went
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out. It wasn't that I was not physically attracted to him, he was a babe, I just
wasn't into all that mushy stuff. Now, I admired his girlfriend. She was tall, she
was outgoing, she had a beautiful olive complexion and deep eyes. She was
honey wheat bread and I was wonder light white.

But my admiration of her was not sexual. I admired qualities in her that I
myself did not possess. It wasn't until I was about 19-20 that I really got into
the opposite sex. Yet, I was never head over heels passionate, that does not
make me gay. When I was in my mid twenties, I was approached by a woman
who befriended me and after getting to know me, told me that since I wasn't
attracted to men when I was younger and since I was not real passionate with
a man that I was a lesbian. She told me she could open worlds of passion and
sexual satisfaction that no man could ever provide. She even told me that this
was the way I was born and that I should just go with it, that it was my
destiny.

I went home that night very confused. It did seem exciting. And, after all, she
was right, I was not passionate and maybe that was why I was such a late
bloomer. And, she was a very, very dear friend. I could talk to her about
anything, things that I couldn't talk to my boyfriend about and I felt that she
understood me. Wait, weren't those the same techniques used by cults to
obtain new members? Isn't that they way they operated. First, they become
your friend, they get you to open up and then they gather information about
you. Then they take that information and use it to prove why you belong to
that cult! This woman was trying to recruit me into the world of lesbianism
using the same techniques! And it almost worked with me.

And it works, day in and day out with thousands of young men and women,
confused about their impending maturity. It works day in and day out with
thousands of men and women who are married, or have been married and are
going through a rough emotional period. They take advantage of your situation
in life to recruit you into their lifestyle. You see, in order for them to validate
that their lifestyle is appropriate, they need to continually add to the ranks.
Some naturally sway over to that side for whatever reason, but many, many
more are recruited.

We are born bisexual. That is we have the ability to have sexual relations with
members of the same sex and receive sexual gratification through an orgasm
brought about by a member of the same sex. But, we were not created to be
bisexual. It is very clear in the bible and by nature’s design that woman was
made for man and vice-versa. So, homosexuality is not what we were created
for and is not natural.

That woman was very convincing, but she used my life against me. And so it
happens with so many young men and women. We need to educate our
children when they are approached by homosexuals that they don't need to
listen to what these people are saying. Be open with your children and listen to
them in the same way that the recruiter (for lack of a better word) does.
Validate that it is normal to be attracted to qualities in the same sex that we
admire, but that does not mean that we are sexually attracted to that person.
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Validate that everybody matures at a different rate. The fact that Suzy Q is not
dating and in love with boys at 15 just like Patty B, doesn't mean that Suzy is
different.

Let’s save our daughters from a life of despair and fraud.

Can the truth ever completely leave a christian for good and forever? The only
way I could survive in my gay lifestyle was to shut out God, or try to redefine
what God was. I tried redefining the truth, and I never could really buy it. But
for the six years I was totally in the lifestyle I could not read the Bible much at
all. There were times when I wanted to read it, I mean but I just couldn't do it.
I was so convinced that I would never walk into a regular church again, that I
would never go back. But then there were times that I felt profound sadness at
just what I had lost, or thought I had lost. I did numb myself to conviction, but
that didn't always work. I had all these doubts about what I had gotten into,
about the gay relationship I was in - it felt like I was trapped and like I was
dying on the inside and slipping away.

I would try to avoid triggers for my guilt, that is why I avoided my family, it
was a reminder and filled me with great sadness because there was such a
distance and also a disappointment and worry and concern they felt and I
didn't want to be aware of what they felt. It hurt too much to know at the
time, so I stayed away as much as I could. The Lord wanted me out of it, I
knew that, I really didn't know how to get out of it at the time, I had confused
loyalties, a commitment. I didn't feel I could share with anyone the doubts and
confusion I faced as I continued in the relationship. No gay person wants to
hear that stuff, you'll just remind them of themselves, and I didn't want to talk
to my parents because I didn't want them to be right. I didn't want to eat
humble pie with them. They handled the situation the best they knew how, I
know it hurt them. Some things that they said to me really hurt me too
though.

Anyway, I actually prayed that my partner would cheat on me so I could

escape and have that justification for abandoning her. Is that weird or what ?
But it did happen, she did cheat and I did leave. I was really amazed that the
church didn't fall on my head when I went to a regular church again. But the
point is, the truth is still there in someone, it might be really buried, but it is
still there. And I believe that any true christian will reach that moment when
they can no longer bury the truth. So don't give up! I sure never thought I
would be going to ex-gay therapy or even trying to get better. But the Lord did
the most amazing thing, he showed me hope and so here I am and I am a
pretty weak person, so it is ALL him. I know God hears the prayers of praying
parents - pray on and keep the faith!

Can you believe someone would base their entire persona and identity on a
sexual preference?? This is the claim of "gay culture". Your entire identity,
everything that makes you "YOU", is sucked up into the side of you that is
sexual. It can easily become ALL that you're about. You can eat, live, and
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breathe your sexuality-- and then call it being "proud" of who you are! With
more ways to be "proud" of your homosexuality, gay men and women can
mask their need to be ALL about their sexuality by joining political and social
gay-rights groups. "Gay identified" = "Gay defined and confined"

I wish that homosexuality was only a sexual orientation. It is in fact a hunger

and a need. No other community in the world is so defined by their sexual
appetite as is the gay community. In fact, there are 'sub-communities' within
the gay community for specific fetishes and flavors of sex.

The first thing to go is your identity. You forget who you are in Christ (if you
are now in Christ) and begin to define yourself by your own desires. The next
thing to go is your wisdom of the ways of the Lord. Your rationale and that
barometer of RIGHT vs. WRONG that you once had seems quieted. In time you
forget who God is and make up your own ideas about who He is TO YOU and
IN YOUR life. Notice that these ideas about God revolve around one person--
YOURSELF. You'll be hard pressed to find a gay Christian today who will not
argue the righteousness of their life based upon how they feel and how they
see God. My joy of who God is begins with the fact that He is faithful unto
Himself, never to change or to be altered by the opinion of any man, always
steady and truthful, never wavering to the right or to the left. In other words,
God's identity has NOTHING to do with ME and EVERYTHING to do with HIM.
Besides the obvious ways that crossing the line from fantasy to reality in acting
out brings death to your spiritual being, there are the added dangers of
contracting a sexually-transmitted disease.

While I was active in the gay lifestyle, I was one of the "cleanest" sexual
practitioners around. I would refuse to have certain types of sex because they
were 'high-risk'. I also used all the 'protection' I could when I had sex with
someone I did not know. Even as such, I succeeded in contracting 2 different
STD's. Once is the herpes simplex virus and the other was pubic lice. The lice,
also known as 'crabs', went away after some very unpleasant treatments and
house/clothes/bedding cleaning. The herpes simplex virus is with me to this
day. It is very likely that I contracted the herpes virus through oral sex or
through kissing an infected person. Remember, it is almost guaranteed when
you have sex with someone of the same-sex that you are kissing a mouth that
has been in contact with genitals and bodily fluids such as urine, feces, semen,
or even blood. Think about that.

—Your brother, Noe

Looking back, gay life had not been satisfying for many reasons. Besides the
promiscuity, the dream of acceptance by the gay community had proven to be
more of an illusion. I found more rejection in the homosexual lifestyle than in
the heterosexual lifestyle because I wasn't young enough, buff enough or good
looking enough. I used sex to fulfill basic masculine identity needs through
anonymous sexual encounters. After reading several books about the causes
and treatment of homosexuality, including Joe Nicolosi's works, I finally went
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into therapy. At last, something made sense to me, and I received hope amidst
a crisis. I learned to fulfill my needs in healthy relationships. I realized that I
was looking at men through the eyes of my critical mother - 'don't trust them.'
Finally, I could see men through my own eyes, and that was a huge turning
point for me. I found lasting and meaningful friendships, and eventually I
graduated from therapy.

—http://www.peoplecanchange.com

Ex-Gay rights are human rights.

We love and respect homosexuals because we used to be homosexuals

ourselves. Yet organized homosexuals are almost unanimous in their
condemnation of ex-gays. The homophobia demonstrated against ex-gays by
homosexuals is nothing short of hate mongering.

—Roberto

When I came out of the homosexual lifestyle at age 32, I felt like women had
just landed on the planet. For the first time, I began to notice them in a
different way, and that difference was good. I also noticed that I continued to
look at men out of habit instead of
out of lust.

—Ex-Gay Strong

How you look on the outside vs. looking inside – God is working on you inside
although it doesn’t look like it on the outside. Remember that.

—Bob, here to stay

Love and discipline go hand in hand. Now I realize that Gays are like children
who demand approval. With my mother, I was always up in her face to
intimidate her if she didn’t immediately accept my homosexuality and all of the
baggage that went along with it. I tested her constantly. I’m sorry, Mom.
Thanks for never giving up.

—Tyler – still on the path towards ex-gay freedom

Even More Reasons To Be Ex-Gay:

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  Finally coming to the point where you can forgive your parents.
 Being able to throw away all the sex toys and make love like any other
woman.
 Loving your children because they look like your husband.
 No longer waking up with a hangover and poppers all over the place.
 Finally figuring it all out.
 No more fighting with dykes.
 No longer secretly loathing straights because I thought I could never be
one.

—From Jenny – who would have guessed?!?

And from Jenny’s husband who has his own list of reasons to be ex-gay –

 Saying goodbye to the health clinic.

 Knowing what it’s like to have non-sexual friendships with other guys.
 Loving my children’s mother.
 Not having to worry about AIDS anymore.
 Getting out.

Greg Quinlan's Story

Former Homosexual a Pro-family Lobbyist

By Clem Boyd Focus on the Family "Citizen" magazine state insert

August 1998

Quinlan speaking with Representative Jay Hottinger (R) sponsor of Ohio"s

Defense of Marriage Bill

Greg Quinlan is out and proud. Out of the gay lifestyle and proud of it, that is.
This is the story of his escape. Greg's mom was a born-again Christian who
married an atheist with an attitude. That's where the trouble began My dad
identified with Archie Bunker in every way," Greg explained. "The only
difference was Archie had some mixed-up belief in God and wasn't violent. My
dad was violent. And in an abusive situation usually one kid is the abused one,
and I was it."

Mom still took the kids to church~Greg, his brother and two sisters. "I knew
the Scripture and liked going to church," he said. But at age 10, a neighbor
boy introduced Greg to sex. His double life had begun. "But I kept going to
church and playing the Christian role," he said. "Growing up as a teen, I was
interested in sex with other men only because of that introduction," he added.
"I've known thousands of homosexuals and I've never met someone who was
not introduced to sex at an early age, generally with the same sex.

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At age 23 Greg made his sexual behavior public, "blowing the doors off the
closet," as he describes it. He had many sexual encounters, visited gay
bathhouses all across the state, was a regular patron of porn shops and lived
the party life within gay social circles. "I'm HIV-negative but it's just a miracle
I'm not infected," he admitted.

As a registered nurse, Greg began taking care of AIDS patients when the crisis
hit the Dayton-area in the mid 80s. He took these men to the doctor and cared
for them at home. "Then this guy I was dating invited me to a dinner in
Columbus in 1986, the Human Rights Campaign Fund (HRCF) reception," he
recalled. "That's how I was introduced to gay politics, at age 28."

Two years later he started an HRCF branch in Dayton. "HRCF is the largest gay
and lesbian political organization in the country, chiefly responsible for
securing AIDS research money from the federal government," Greg said. "I
raised several thousand dollars out of Dayton and really got involved because
of the AIDS project. But in all my work with HRCE I was trying to justify being
in the lifestyle, because I was miserable."

Having grown up in church and still possessing a good knowledge of the Bible,
Greg was often asked by friends to do their eulogies. So he ended up speaking
at funerals and reading Scriptures. "There was the Lord's hook," Greg
commented. "Like it says in Scripture, Train up a child in the way he should go
and when he is old, he will not depart from it'," he offered, quoting from
Proverbs 22:6.

So the Lord was beginning to draw Greg to himself But it took an event of
worldwide importance to really shake, him out of his sinful stupor.

"It was 1989 and I was watching the wall in Berlin fall on television," he
remembered. "One of the Scriptures I learned in church was Matthew 24:14,
And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a
testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.' It was like somebody
pressed a button on the recorder in the back of mind, this verse just kept
sounding off in my head. "I thought at the time, 'Communism has fallen, that's
over a billion people (with access to the Gospel), the Lord is coming back.' This
was another way the Lord got to me.

At the time Greg was a Medicare review nurse and traveled all over the state.
"I knew where all the bathhouses were. I knew the location of every porn shop
in the state. I was still pretty active but the Lord was working on me. Greg
started listening to Christian radio and watching Christian TV shows. "I had this
hunger and craving," he recalled. "I missed the hymns, the music and the
worship. Even while I was in the gay lifestyle I made a point of going to church
on Easter Sunday. I still had that hunger to be satisfied, to worship the
Lord. It was still there after all those years.

He was watching the 700 Club and TBN several months before his conversion.
One show featured a number of former homosexuals who had left the gay
lifestyle. "I watched intently~ partly making fin, partly wishing it was true,"
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 Greg said. "I thought, 'Can it happen to me?' I was really miserable." Friends
and acquaintances began asking Greg to start an Ohio Log Cabin society, the
name for the gay and lesbian coalition in the Republican Party. He never did. It
was Thanksgiving weekend, 1993 and he decided to call TBN.

"You know I had been on TV, radio and in newspapers (as a homosexual
activist)," Greg said. "I was not ashamed of being a homosexual and talking
about the AIDS crisis. I'd go to Washington D.C. two to three times a year to
lobby Capitol Hill. But I had a lot of trouble telling this guy what my problem
was. I was suddenly ashamed of being gay. I wasn't happy about it."

Greg fought through his angst and finally revealed his problem He said a
prayer over the phone and accepted Jesus Christ as his savior that very night
"There were no bells or whistles but I slept that night he said. "There was
peace.

Greg's decision resulted in a sudden and abrupt turn in his life. He got into
church immediately changed his telephone number stopped hanging out at gay
bars and discontinued his volunteer nursing with the Dayton Area AIDS Task
Force. "I stopped cold turkey doing anything in the gay lifestyle," he said.

But stopping the wrong behavior was merely the first step. One Sunday a
guest preacher at church had a special message for Greg. Her sermon had
convicted him sharply and he had gone forward to the altar where he was
crying uncontrollably.

"She told me, 'Son, there's a call on your life'," he related. "She told me some
things only God could tell her, that what the devil had trained me to do God
was going to use for his glory." Shortly after this event the director of Ohio
Christian Coalition called Greg looking for help. He worked there four years and
a year ago last March left to start the Pro-Family Network.

PFN's goal is to place a pro-family lobbyist in every state capitol, someone to

address conservative Christian issues, such as an Ohio bill to establish a
commission on Youth and Suicide, that is beyond the scope of organizations
like Right to Life. They have accomplished that goal in nine states so far.
"As a grass roots lobbyist I went to Capitol Hill for the lunatic left," Greg said.
"HRCF trained me how to do it and a year later I was using my training for the
other side. The Lord turned it all around."

Jewish wife of a struggler

A LETTER FROM THE WIFE OF A JEWISH MAN STRUGGLING WITH SSA

My name is Rachel. My husband struggles with same-sex attraction (SSA). I’m

writing to share my experience in coming to terms with my husband's SSA.

Shmuel and I were married for 13 years before he told me about his SSA. One
day he came into the house looking nervous and concerned about something.

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He said, “ There is something I have to tell you”. Then he couldn’t get the
words out--he kept hesitating. So being impatient, I said, “ Shmuel, just say it
… what is it? you’re gay?“ ... But I was not serious. I just figured if I said
something so big, he would have an easier time telling me whatever it was.
Well, lo and behold, I wasn’t far from the truth! My first reaction was wow!
This is not possible!

Then I looked at him and said, “How could you have lived with such a big
secret for such a long time?" I couldn’t understand how he could enjoy life and
his family while holding in such a secret. Also, because of my attitude toward
secrets, I felt really bad for him. Secrets make me feel anxious and worried.
Secrets to me are awful. They take up my whole being. They fill my waking
hours and my dreams.

He acknowledged that he kept the secret for too long, that he was ashamed to
admit his issues, first to a counsellor at JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives
to Homosexuality)( http://www.jonahweb.org/) with whom he had been
working to grow out of his homosexuality and then to his therapist who he had
secretly been seeing (recommended to him by JONAH). Both apparently
strongly counseled that when he felt ready he needed to bring me into the
picture and thus become more authentic in his relationship with me as his
spouse.

My heart went out to Shmuel, and at the same time I was glad he unburdened
himself. I felt bad that he lived with anxiety and unfilled needs, unable to
share his deepest pain with anyone, particularly me, until this point in time. I
understood it was too shameful for him. Yet I felt bad that he didn't confide in
ME, his wife. Didn't he trust me? What did he think I would do if he told me the
truth, ask for a divorce?! No way! I take our marriage very seriously. My
feeling always was that we can work through whatever comes our way. I
believe that we truly are each other's "bashert" (fated soulmate).

Then came phase 2. ANGER. Lots of it. Although I didn’t scream and yell (we
generally don’t fight), I was angry inside. And, he knew it. I felt like I was
made a fool of for 13 years. But then again what was Shmuel supposed to do?
Tell me before we got married? I don’t know that we would have married (only
because I think my family would have objected.)

I come from an Orthodox Jewish home where community opinion plays a large
role in the way my family sees things. The community is generally closed
minded and ignorant when it comes to issues such as homosexuality. My
family has never had any experience with any relatives or friends being gay.
They simply would not know how to deal with it.

That first year that followed Shmuel was in the midst of therapy and we didn’t
really discuss the subject too much. I just accepted it, he went to therapy and
that was that. However, there came a point where his therapist recommended
that I come with Shmuel for a therapy session. I agreed to go for a few
reasons. I wanted to meet the therapist to get better answers as to what was
happening as well as to enable him as a healer to gain a more complete picture
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of Shmuel’s life. I also wanted to talk about some of my husband’s issues and
understand them better.

I wanted to be helpful to my husband's healing process. I also wanted to know

how I came into this picture and how our relationship toward each other and
our children would be affected by Shmuel's revelation. Shmuel's therapist was
incredibly helpful in answering many of my questions and assured me that
Shmuel had the capacity not only to overcome his homosexuality but more
importantly to alleviate many of his underlying emotional woundings which led
him to his homosexuality.

One of the processes recommended by JONAH for men struggling with SSA is
for them to attend the New Warriors Training Adventure.(
http://www.mkp.org/ ). For those of you who know men who are unhappy
being gay, or question their own internal sense of masculinity, tell them to GO!
After the New Warriors weekend is when we started to talk a lot more openly
about my husband's struggle with SSA (not to outsiders, only among
ourselves). Because he began to internalize some of the lessons of authencity
taught by Warriors, he began being more authentic with me about his own
emotions and his own feelings. It made our communication about marital
issues far easier.

Then there was the Journey into Manhood Weekend (JiM) (

http://www.peoplecanchange.com/), another experiential weekend
recommended by JONAH. This weekend enabled Shmuel to become even more
open about his feelings and to recognize how his own perceptions about
himself and others affected his life.

It also gave him a clearer vision of what he needed to do to make the

necessary changes to be the kind of man he always wanted to be. In addition,
Shmuel expanded his network of men, getting to know many new men who
were living with the same struggle as he was..... but, who like him, were
determined to grow out of their same sex attractions. An important element of
these relationships were that these men accepted him just as he is. It was an
extremely affirming experience for him. Again, if you know men who struggle
with SSA, tell them that JiM was an incredible experience for my husband (and
therefore for me as well).

What helped me most was Shmuel’s newfound willingness to include me in

every way possible. Now, of course he needs his privacy.He needs male
affirmation which is something I obviously can’t provide for him and which he
had lacked for so long. Indeed, that is one of the very causes of his SSA.

Nevertheless, he includes me wherever he can. We talk a lot, which is very

helpful to both of us. Shmuel is working hard towards change. He could have
said, “Forget it. This is too intense for me. Forget my wife’s feelings….Forget
family life…”. Instead he chose to work hard on himself for change.

Shmuel and I have developed an interesting practice which helps my husband

bond better with other men while simultaneously helping him, me, and SSA
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men he knows. We invite some of these men to our home for meals, be it
weekday or Shabbos. These are men whom Shmuel has met through the
network of activities in which the SSA strugglers participate. By my exposure
to other men facing similar issues (whether they are single or married), I can
better understand my husband's issues. For the men who visit us, I believe
their participation in a warm, nurturing family environment helps them as
many of them never had such an environment in their youth.

I thank God that Shmuel and I always had a good relationship. I’m at a point
where I realize Shmuel loves me, always has, always will, and I feel the same
way about him. This is not about me. There really isn’t anything I can do to
change the way he feels, only he can do that. What I can do is be supportive.

Let him go to his men’s groups without me complaining about the late hours.
Truthfully, it's not easy for Shmuel to go out two evenings a week (and
sometimes three if he has a therapy session). But he’s doing this for US. I
sometimes forget that and must try to always remember that whatever
psychological work Shmuel is doing, he is doing for both of us and our family.
He is becoming a better and better husband, father, and man.

Yet, there are many conflicting emotions that I have gone through and still go
through. It is not easy for me. But, generally, I have a feeling of acceptance
and most of all, love, for my husband. I always believed I was there for him
but now that I understand the causes of his issues and his occasional distance
(I have taken the time to read the literature and educate myself), I am even
more supportive. All of us have issues. None of us are perfect. If we are aware
of our issues and work together as a team, as G-d intended, then we are living
a life which is true to our faith and ourselves.

Best wishes to all you brave men and to your present and future families,

Rachel

Letitgo1000@aol.com

NOTE: JONAH, Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality, can be

reached at http://www.jonahweb.org/. I strongly recommend that anyone
affected by this issue, be it an individual struggling with the issue or a family
member or a friend that cares about someone with the issue, reach out for
help from JONAH. They are compassionate, caring, and have developed a
relatively complete program to help.

Special Note to spouses of SSA men:

First, don’t think of SSA as an unsolvable problem, but as some event that
popped into your life for the moment (and I say for the moment because
clearly your husband can undo this situation through his growth as a man.)
Take it as an opportunity to stand beside your man and be supportive. Your
husband will love and appreciate you more for it.

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Second, your husband having SSA doesn’t mean that your sex life can’t be
wonderful or that you can’t turn him on. During the healing journey, he may
experience some pulls to the same sex, but it doesn’t take away from his
fidelity or love for you. Rachel

A Mother's Horror Story

MY precious son was raped by a boy in the neighborhood when he was 9-10
years old. It happened after he returned home on the bus when I was still at
work, an hour or so before I got home. I thought this older, nice teen was
giving my son attention, playing ball with him, etc. -- as he never got that
attention from his own dad. Even though I spoke to my kids, read books on
"bad touch" etc. & was an educator--it didn't "take" with this one son. I've had
well meaning Christians condemn me as not doing enough & that I'd not been
a good mother or my boy "would have told me" when it happened. But I have
peace that this accusation is absurd--as I was in a living hell with an abusive
husband & I gave every ounce of love to my children that I could. However, I
was married when not a Christian & his blood dad is a non-believer who did
drugs & had a huge anger problem, putting us "in fear" in our home.

I came to Christ shortly after our marriage & did all of the Christian training of
the kids myself, standing for almost 20 years for the marriage. My other kids
are all strong Christians.....but my son fell away from the Lord during high
school. This happened when a gay drama "teacher" (not certified but hired
under adjunct faculty with other gays) became too "familiar "with my boy---
later I found out he proselytized him along with those gay teachers into the
hidden world of homosexuality (1990's).

No one listened to me when I complained to the principal & school district

about this gay man’s behavior towards my teenage son at school. Instead, the
school began to use my son as a "poster boy," writing articles/editorials on
being gay & accepted at their politically correct high school. His dad (who was
gone when my son was 15.. ..& divorced me), and a group of liberal parents in
the acting/drama world encouraged my son that "he was gay or bi". This, after
he broke up with his girlfriend when he was 15--deeply distraught & crying for
weeks over the loss.

There are so many stories I could share in retrospect as I ponder "what could I
have done differently". Yet, today, I know I did all I could with what I knew as
a loving mother---but no one would listen to me at the school. In addition, I
knew little about the dark world (& it IS DARK) of homosexuality as I'd not
been exposed to anything like this in my life. But now I have spent more time
in the gay bars, clubs (as I go with my son, counsel kids over a dinner, have
them over to our home, etc) than the average older Christian. My present
husband & I have spent countless hours counseling & loving this community of
hurting individuals....& it is a privilege--in spite of not always being easy.

My son, who is now an adult and whose life thus far has been ravaged, had
been my strongest Christian kid--shared Christ at school, sang worship with
me, was a straight A student, leader & dynamic believer. He is still friends with
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the gay teacher--who was finally fired with a district cover up--as he
apparently was caught doing drugs with his students.

This gay teacher still holds my son captive...stalking and finding him in other
states and now back in our city—he had moved my son into his home. This
teacher has gone back on drugs and stolen from my boy (last year). We have
rescued my son from this guy's home...& now this man went thru rehab again
pulling our boy back into his clutches this year.

Our son is like a "stockholm syndrome child"----feeling sorry for this former
teacher & saying. "he was there for me & cared about me when I was young &
hurting". Our son has swallowed the whole party line of GAY EVANGELISM &
believes it all--even only attending gay AA meetings with his "people". It is
similar to a cult. It's all sick/drama/victim mentality & perversity...full of drag
queen stuff as well.

This gay teacher was the one who dressed my boy up as a woman on
Halloween after his dad left me with a message to me that he "was me---'his
mother" . This teacher took my teen son to the "gay community in our city",
bought him expensive dinners & introduced him to a world of gay baths, clubs,
prom houses where gay dances were held for teens & perversity with older
men--many being leaders & politicians. It's all insane. What would I do if I
didn't have Jesus thru this abuse? And with all the so called gay boundaries
talked about with "protections in our schools"...our culture thinks this is all OK?
The double standard for the gay community is sheer madness.

Most recently our son's former teacher got into AA & again, still spends time
every week with my boy--now by taking him to AA meetings. In the last month
our son has decided to leave town again & go to another city to stay with
another key man who he met when he was 16 at a restaurant job he had in
high school. This man is 15 yrs his senior & apparently proselytized our son as
well when on his first job. I just learned that this man is considered one of his
'GAY FATHERS' who swooped in on our son at the time of vulnerability when
his dad had left the home. This fellow had a family at the time (ultimately
divorcing & losing everything--including his own children & his blood son). He
was living a secret life in the closet when he mentored my son into the
lifestyle... and was out finding his own "boys".

Just this week my son said he is leaving for another state because this man
has a place & new job for him. My son shared that when he was young & sad
about his dad leaving, this man told him he was "fabulous" and an awesome
person- -& that he would soon know that he was a GAY man--readying for a
"new world" that would be run by homosexuals. So here again, another
perpetrator & gay groomer, replacing "daddy" and affirming perversion as to
gain satisfaction for the flesh.

as I watch my son leaving town again, with hopes that he continues at the
least in AA so that he can get clean & sober, I have this to share with parents
who find their child has also succumbed to the homosexual lifestyle:

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ONLY GOD........
Only God will hold your molecules together in the grief of it all. Only God will
have every answer to each situation & in those times of confusion, help us
continue to walk by faith and not by sight. Only God will comfort us through
the deepest of sorrows. Only God can make a way where there is no other
way. Only God loves our son, daughter, spouse-- more than we do, as our
loved one. Only God will bring the perfect conclusion of the matter. Only God
will bring Peace amid the storm. Only God can take the perversity, insanity and
constant death of the homosexual agenda that is ravaging lives, families and
our culture to its end game- BECAUSE OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, THE ALPHA
AND THE OMEGA, THE BEGINNING AND THE END, THE FIRST AND THE LAST
IS OUR OVERCOMER, AND HE HAS THE FINAL VICTORY.

We cannot succumb to despair as we look upon this great evil and black
shroud that seems to consume and eat the life away of our dearest loved ones
& our society. We must stay in His Word and continually play PRAISE MUSIC
around us in our cars & homes. We must thank the Lord daily for saving our
loved one and that "no weapon formed against them will prosper".

We cannot be devoured by what has taken them captive 'nor let the horror
consume our own lives - but instead we must fight the good fight of FAITH and
find others of like mindedness to stand alongside of. We cannot become co-
dependent, allowing ourselves to become lukewarm, sanitizing the message of
HOMOSEXUALITY WHICH IS A DEATH to any and all associated with it.

But we also cannot throw our loved ones to the wolves by cutting them
off...however, at times we may have to set boundaries emotionally for our own
sanity & "distance for a season". We must let them know we LOVE THEM but
do not condone their behavior--and clarify that these are separate issues.
ONLY GOD will give us the balance in all of this. Not an easy road.....but "he
who saves his life shall lose it and who loses his life shall save it".

We must be as BOLD AS LIONS and GENTLE AS DOVES....and battle in the

marketplace of ideas, politically as well as in the heavenly sphere. WE CANNOT
SHRINK BACK AND HIDE. May we continue to carry on as overcomers in Christ
Jesus our Lord and Savior, the author and finisher of our loved one and our
own faith in this great battle.

-- PFOX mom of a sexually abused son

PFOX Mom Speaks Out

So few people are interested in looking at the opposite side of homosexuality,

to potential roots of this disorder, etc. I have found most gays become very
upset and defensive. So I have decided that truth is a frightening thing when a
person has based his/her life on a specific belief system that clashes with
truth. It is as though the ground is shaking and the belief system becomes
cracked. Yet this is the very next step of the homosexual folks who claim, with
little reasoning (other than 'feelings') or proof, that homosexuality is natural.
In fact, it is not. Yet while they cannot give a logical and sane explanation of
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their homosexual development, they fiercely argue against ex gays, scientific
studies, nd therapists who work with those who wish to leave the lifestyle or
simply _not_ go into it.

Same sex attraction does not automatically mean a person is homosexual, but
it does indicate confusion in gender identification.

Having raised a homosexual son, I can tell you, by going back and looking at
factors in our lives, my marriage, his childhood, his response to peers; I can
easily say, behind me is a map of how to unconsciously raise a child to become
homosexual. It was not with design or desire that my impressionable son was
so impacted by all the factors that touched him. But it is with deep, deep
regret that I did not have the knowledge of same sex attraction, or the healthy
ex-gays living very happy heterosexual lives with wives and children or single.
With no role models to explain this, nothing found in the library or through my
church, I was lost to reach out to him with answers. He went into the lifestyle
at 18 yrs old and recently asked me how I could let him go on his own at that
young age. He is 30 today and now realizes his youth was taken away by
homosexuality.

Does he want to leave the lifestyle? I think he will eventually. In the

meantime, as a mother, I pray that he does not contract HIV+/AIDS or other
diseases that are becoming harder and harder to cure. I pray that the potential
damage he is doing to his body through anal sex will be limited. I am a
frightened mother -- for I didn't allow him to run out into a busy street for fear
of his ignorance in getting himself killed. I feel the same when he has many
sex partners, and who can know if a person is or isn't infected with any type
disease? It’s Russian Roulette, whether we recognize it as such or not.
Wouldn't you be frightened if it were *your* child?

The gay community has acknowledged that the 'born gay theory' cannot be
proved no matter how many studies. So what is left? Environmental, for the
most part. Plus a sensitive disposition, being self identified by others,
confusion with lack of male role bonding.... and other factors.

So how do we educate the public that they must fight for fair choices (and
their children), and not allow a specific pro gay group that lobbies to buy their
way into our political system and shut down those who want to let others know
that there are other options and opinions. Any idea?

Homophobic, you say? Hardly. I understand why my son is homosexual -- do

you think I could stop loving him because of this? This was a child who was
deeply wanted and carrying him for 9 months was one of the most important
events in my life, right at the top.

Many families do not get to see their 'gay' children often. When the gay child is
unwilling to deal with past issues and hurts, the roots of his issues, he often
goes into the lifestyle with those he feels more comfortable with: the other
gays who have come from similar backgrounds and hurts.

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As a mother, I pray that a calm dialogue can be established. Ex-gays are not
looking for a fight, but the right for their voices to be heard: “I changed and
you can, too.”

Please, keep talking about this issue. If we don’t, what will happen to the next
generation?

Cordially,

Bert

Everything I Needed to Know to be a Better Christian I Learned from

Having a Son who is Gay

I have learned to have compassion toward other parents whose children are
living a lifestyle different from the one they were taught. 1 Peter 3:8

I have learned to be caring toward his friends, in hopes that I can make a
difference, and that it is possible to accept someone without approving their
behavior. Jude 1:22

I have learned that I am not responsible for his choices, because each of us
has to individually answer to God. Philippians 2:13

I have learned to pray without ceasing. 1 Thessalonians 5:7

I have learned to count this time of “testing my faith” as a blessing, because it

will fine-tune me to show compassion to others who are hurting. James 1:2, 3

I have learned to ask God for wisdom in decisions I need to make. James 1:5

I have learned what true friendship is and how to be a conduit of God’s love.
Proverbs 18:24

I have learned what unconditional love is all about. 1 Corinthians 13:48a

I have learned about patience. “The strength of those who wait upon the Lord
will be renewed.” Isaiah 40:31

I have learned to relinquish my child to God and, in turn, to love ex-gays and
strugglers as the children God has sent in my path. Proverbs 11:21

Ex-gay Q&A

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) supports the ex-gay community
and families. We hope the below PFOX Q&A will clarify issues.

Aren’t some people born gay?

We have all heard of individuals who entered homosexuality later in life after

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marrying and having children with an opposite-sex spouse. No scientific
evidence has established a genetic cause for homosexuality or found a “gay
gene.” There is no DNA or medical test to determine if a person is homosexual.
Sexual orientation is a matter of self-affirmation and public declaration. “Gay”
is a self-chosen identity. According to the American Psychiatric Association,
there are no replicated scientific studies to support that people can be born
“gay” or that homosexuality is innate.

According to the American Psychological Association, “[a]lthough much

research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social,
and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that
permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any
particular factor or factors.” [2008]

Who are ex-gays?

Each year thousands of men and women with unwanted same-sex attractions
make the personal decision to leave homosexuality via secular therapy,
Homosexuals Anonymous support groups, faith based ministries, and other
non-judgmental environments. Their decision is one only they can make.
However, there are others in society who refuse to respect individual self-
determination. Consequently, formerly gay men and women are reviled simply
because they dare to exist. Without PFOX, former homosexuals would have no
voice in an increasingly hostile environment.

Do gay activists oppose the efforts of PFOX to protect the equal rights
of ex-gays?

They shouldn’t. Although gay organizations advocate for the rights of

homosexuals, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders, transsexuals, the
intersexed, and questioning youth, they do not add ‘ex-gay’ to that list. Yet the
addition of ex-gays ensures tolerance for all segments of our society.

Many ex-gays are afraid to come out of the closet because of the harassment
they will receive. The tactics of gay activists are to go after anyone who comes
out publicly as ex-gay, force them back into the closet, and then claim that ex-
gays don't exist because there aren't any out in public. For example, see:

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4797243

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3jkeTdgLrg

http://www.massresistance.org/docs/gen/09b/ParkStreetChurch_0428/index.h
tml

http://www.wjla.com/news/stories/0410/731411.html

PFOX is not an anti-gay organization – we are a pro-ex-gay organization. All

people should be treated with dignity. We respect the opinions of others, even

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if they disagree with us. Indeed, we do not ask for their approval – only their
tolerance.

What is the ex-gay movement?

Former homosexuals are the last invisible minority group in America. The ex-
gay movement is a civil rights movement to ensure the safety and inclusion of
former homosexuals in all realms of society, and supports the ex-gay
community’s equal access to all public venues. Ex-gays and their supporters
should not have to be closeted for fear of other’s negative reactions or
disapproval. They do not think something is wrong with them because they
decided to fulfill their heterosexual potential. Nor do they believe others should
condemn them for the personal decision they have made for their lives. Full
diversity must include the ex-gay community.

What are some of the discriminatory actions against ex-gays?

Due to media indifference, many Americans are unaware of the widespread

intolerance practiced against those who leave homosexuality:

 Unlike gay groups, ex-gay groups like PFOX are routinely denied equal
access to participate in public school events, donate books to public
school libraries, and present speakers on diversity day.
 Transgenders and cross-dressers are affirmed for changing their gender
but former homosexuals are ridiculed for making the decision to change
their sexual orientation.
 Ex-gay conferences and seminars across the country are frequently
picketed by anti-ex-gay protestors like PFLAG, a parents organization run
by a gay activist, and Soulforce, a homosexual religious organization.
 Presidential candidate Barack Obama was criticized by gay activists for
allowing ex-gay gospel singer Donnie McClurkin to sing at a fundraiser.
They insisted that Obama drop the African-American singer from the
program. Gay singers did not receive this treatment.
 Washington DC Mayor Adrian Fenty was forced to apologize for issuing a
certificate of appreciation to an ex-gay civil rights leader after receiving
complaints from the gay lobby. In signing gay marriage legislation for
the nation’s capital, Fenty had promised equality for all DC residents.
http://pfox.org/Mayor_Fenty_wrongful_apology.html
 Equality Virginia demanded that Washington DC Metro remove PFOX’s
subway billboards advocating tolerance for ex-gays.
 An ex-gay volunteer staffing PFOX’s exhibit booth at the Arlington
County, Virginia Fair was physically assaulted because he refused to
recant his ex-gay testimony. Wayne Besen, a former spokesperson for
the Human Rights Campaign, falsely reported that the assault had never
occurred.
 After speaking at an ex-gay conference, Michelle McKinney-Hammond
lost her programming on a broadcast station because Besen made good
on his threat to complain to the station about speakers making
appearances at ex-gay events.

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  Bash Back!, a gay group that retaliates against heterosexuals who vote
against genderless marriage, can be seen in this video screaming and
chanting against an ex-gay meeting held at a Boston church --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llIOdgOZLF4&feature=related This
incident is cited in a federal complaint filed against Bash Back for
intimidation – see paragraph 68 of the legal filing
at http://www.alliancedefensefund.org/UserDocs/MtHopeComplaint.pdf
 After writing a letter her local newspaper as a concerned citizen, Crystal
Dixon was terminated from her job as an Associate Vice President of
Human Resources for Toledo University. An African-American, Dixon
challenged the civil rights comparison of race with homosexual behavior.
Dixon’s letter also revealed that some gay people have overcome
unwanted homosexual feelings, as evidenced by the growing popularity
of PFOX and other ex-gay organizations.

This irrational phobia of those who have overcome unwanted same-sex

attractions perpetuates misunderstanding and harm against the ex-gay
community. It also demonstrates a disregard for diversity and a refusal to
respect a basic human right to dignity and self-determination.

Why do gays hate ex-gays so much?

Gay activist organizations instruct their members to reject ex-gays and

homosexuals who refuse to self-identify as "gay." This rejection is a form of
heterophobia that can be overcome with education and outreach. Gay activists
cannot claim sympathy as victims when they victimize their own. We should all
be tolerant of each other regardless of our sexual orientation. Homosexuality
has multiple causes and people have experienced it differently in their lives. If
a gay person's sense of well-being is dependent on all other people with same-
sex attractions having had the same experience that they did, then that person
is in a dangerous place. In fact, this is what has caused persecution of ex-
gays.

The demonization of ex-gays by gays themselves is a sad end to the long

struggle for tolerance by the gay community. That ex-gays and their
supporters are now oppressed by the same people who until recently were
victimized themselves, demonstrates how far the gay rights movement has
come. Indeed, a new chapter in the movement has begun – the right of
homosexuals and lesbians to leave unwanted homosexuality.

Why would anyone choose to leave homosexuality when there is so

much discrimination against the ex-gay community?

Because of the abuse heaped upon them by society, former homosexuals

experience discrimination at every level. When a former homosexual marries
an opposite sex partner, that ex-gay is ridiculed by former friends. Ex-gays
find heterosexuals also reject them if their past is known because "Once gay,
always gay" is assumed. While gays can come out of the "closet," ex-gays are
forced to stay in theirs because of public prejudice. While gays gain sympathy
as victims, ex-gays are criticized and face life-long intolerance for simply
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existing as living proof that homosexuality is not innate. Americans need to
face the real issue of bigotry -- oppression of ex-gays.

I’m happy being gay, so why should gays change their sexual
orientation?

Change is only for those with unwanted same-sex attractions. What makes you
happy may not make someone else happy because we are all individuals.
Please respect other people’s decisions for their lives. Ex-gays can testify to
the fact that those with unwanted homosexuality deserve the right to self-
determination and happiness based on their own needs, and not the needs of
others. According to the American Psychological Association, “[m]ental health
organizations call on their members to respect a person’s right to self-
determination.” (2008)

Do I have to dislike ex-gays if I have gay friends or family?

No! You can have friends who are gay and other friends who are ex-gay.
Befriending the ex-gay community does not mean that you are being disloyal
to the gay people you know and love.

What about gay teens and suicide that I’ve heard about?

Research shows that the risk of suicide decreases by 20% for each year that a
person delays homosexual or bisexual self-labeling. Suicide attempts were not
explained by experiences with discrimination, violence, loss of friendship, or
current personal attitudes towards homosexuality. (Source: Risk Factors for
Attempted Suicide in Gay and Bisexual Youth byRemafedi, Farrow, and
Deisher, in Official Journal of the American Academy of
Pediatrics, Pediatrics 87: 869-875 June 1991.)

Schools should not encourage teens to self-identify as “gay” before they have
matured. During adolescence, sexual attractions are fluid and do not take on
permanence until early adulthood. Rather than affirming teenagers as “gay”
through self-labeling, educators should affirm them as people worthy of
respect and encourage teens to wait until adulthood before making choices
about their sexuality. If teens are encouraged to believe that they are
permanently “gay” before they have had a chance to reach adulthood, their life
choices are severely restricted and can result in depression. Once a child self-
identifies as “gay,” he or she is stuck with that label because gay activists and
other heterophobic influences refuse to acknowledge that an individual can
leave homosexuality.

Suicide and suicidal behavior are not normal responses to stress. Research also
shows that the risk for suicide is associated with changes in brain chemicals
called neurotransmitters, including serotonin.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/suicide-in-the-us-statistics-and-
prevention/index.shtml

Why should schools present ex-gay information?

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Schools that address the issue of sexual orientation must present all of the
facts in a fair and balanced manner. According to Public Schools and Sexual
Orientation Consensus Guidelines, school officials are urged to include the
viewpoints of all participants, including ex-gays and their supporters, in order
to develop policies that promote fairness for all. Actions by educators to
exclude some views merely because they disagree with them constitute
viewpoint discrimination in violation of the First Amendment. Therefore, the
ex-gay viewpoint in public schools is protected by the First Amendment and
should be heard. These guidelines are endorsed by the Gay, Lesbian and
Straight Education Network (GLSEN), American Association of School
Administrators, Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development, and
the First Amendment Center. In addition, the National Educators Association
(NEA) Ex-Gay Educators Caucus endorses ex-gay equal access to schools.

How do sexual orientation laws and hate crime policies discriminate

against ex-gays?

Ex-gays are subject to an increasingly hostile environment where they are

labeled as perpetrators of hate and discrimination against homosexuals simply
because they advocate for or live out a different view of homosexuality.

Gay activists have created an environment where anyone who does not accept
homosexuality as equivalent to heterosexuality in every way is labeled a
“bigot” whose attitude equates to racism. Consequently, alternatives to
homosexuality are interpreted as harassment “against” gays. Sexual
orientation non-discrimination laws and hate crime policies are used to silence
the ex-gay community and legitimize intolerance against former homosexuals.
Fighting “hate” and “discrimination” against gays has become a euphemism for
attacks against ex-gays and their supporters. For example:

 Davis Ott of Madison, Wisconsin was charged with a hate crime because
he stated his own experience as a former homosexual.
 The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Educational Network (GLSEN) distributed
a booklet to every public school superintendent accusing former
homosexuals of “harassment” because ex-gay groups want the same
access to public schools that gay groups currently enjoy.
 Cornelius Baker, executive director of the Whitman Walker AIDS clinic,
labeled ex-gays as “political extremists” who “tortured and brainwashed”
teens, although he endorses gay outreach to questioning youth.
 After receiving “threats, insults and brutal letters” for running an
advertisement for an ex-gay book, Psychology Today editor Bob Epstein
acknowledged the “dark, intolerant, abusive side of the gay
community.”
 Orlando Commissioner Patty Sheehan denounced her fellow
commissioner for issuing a proclamation honoring an ex-gay organization
even though she herself freely makes proclamations celebrating “Gay
Days” every year at Disney World. Ms. Sheehan, an open lesbian, went
so far as to compare the ex-gay organization to the KKK, thereby
demeaning African-American ex-gays.
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  Former Human Rights Campaign spokesperson Wayne Besen demanded
that New Jersey Family First fire employee Greg Quinlan because he
spoke about overcoming his homosexuality in a radio interview and the
fact that there is no DNA for homosexual behavior.

Former homosexual men and women, as well as their friends and family, feel
threatened because they are subjected to a hostile environment if they publicly
claim their former homosexuality or support of the ex-gay community.
Courageous men and women who have left their gay identity must not be
denied their Constitutional rights. To give sexual orientation protection to one
group while excluding another is outright discrimination.

Why must ex-gays be included in sexual orientation topics?

Ex-gays must be included in the formation of public policy because we have

much to contribute to the understanding of sexual orientation. Without
testimony from all sectors of society, public policy on this issue is seriously
flawed.

What is PFOX?

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) is a national non-profit

organization that supports families and educates the public on sexual
orientation & the ex-gay community. PFOX’s statement of principles is found
at www.pathinfo.org

PFOX supports an inclusive environment for the ex-gay community, and works
to eliminate negative perceptions and discrimination against former
homosexuals. PFOX conducts public education and outreach to further
individual self-determination and respect for all Americans, regardless of their
sexual orientation. Please join us in our journey for truth, tolerance, and
understanding.

Who are PFOX families?

PFOX families love their homosexual child unconditionally. Unlike other

organizations which insist that parental love is conditional on affirming
homosexual behavior, there are no conditions on our love for our children. We
do not have to approve of everything our children do. Blanket approval is not
responsible parenting or love. True love is loving in spite of our differences and
treating each other with kindness and respect.

How Will I Ever Get Through This?

by Star, PFOX Chapter Coordinator

When you first find out, all you want to do is cry forever. You hope that you'll
wake up, and it's only a terrible dream. You pinch yourself to just make sure,
but you know it's real. It's happening. But it can't be happening!
Shock...denial...grief accompanied by a pain that just won't go away. You see

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 all your hopes and dreams lying shattered before you. Your world has really
come apart. You feel broken. You feel so depressed. You feel hopeless, and
can't see how this could get better. I hate this! This is the worst pain in the
world. Where is God right now? Will this pain ever go away? I need to know.
How in the world are my ever going to get through this?...

1. Surrender to God completely right now. I promise you this. If you don't
give your loved one to God right now, if you do not constantly lift him/her up
to God and ask Him to be the one to work, you will spend every day after this
in complete misery and hopelessness. Surrender to God. Give your loved one
up to Him. Realize you cannot save him/her. The verse that got me through
the first weeks was I Corinthians 6:9-11: "that's what some of you WERE. This
verse shows that your loved one CAN change!!! God doesn't make anyone gay.
CHANGE IS POSSIBLE. Here is something that I would read to myself every
day:
God wants to meet ________ need for love, acceptance and identity. God
doesn't condemn, He offers another chance of life. ________ can change by
God's power. I, need to let go. I cannot stop _______, my precious one, from
pursuing this life. I am not in control, but God is. I must trust God to draw
________ by His Spirit. I must trust God to protect ________. God loves
_______, my loved one, even more than I do! God's timing is perfect. His
methods are perfect. I must wait on God to work in _________'s life.

2. Learn to pray in complete faith and hope. Pray! Pray! Pray! Become a
prayer warrior. Learn how to pray in complete faith. A situation like this
completely rocks your faith. You may find that you don't have any right now.
When I found out I literally only had less than a mustard seed...but I gave it all
to God. And as I drew to Him, I was amazed at how much He increased it.
Prayer is power. Prayer changes YOU! I love praying the psalms such as psalm
35, 139-143, and you can personalize them with your loved one's name in it
and pray them! This is amazing and powerful. You will see I promise!

3. Hold tight to God's promises! The Bible says that ALL God's promises are
YES and AMEN in Jesus Christ. Because of Jesus we can hold tight to the
promises in the Bible!! Jesus said in John 14:13-14 that if you ask anything in
the name of Jesus, He will do it so that God may be glorified in Him. If you ask
ANYTHING in the name of Jesus, it will be done. I love that verse--it's one of
my many promise verses that I have held to during this time. Grab hold of
these verses and personalize them for you and your loved one.

4. Grieve--let it all out!! This is grief, this is loss. It doesn't have to a

permanent loss but right now your loved one is lost in this lifestyle. The enemy
has snatched him/her up. It's very sad to learn this. It's really hard. Be sure to
grieve. Cry and get it all out and THEN lay your sorrow at the foot of the cross.
When you lay it down, don't pick it back up!! Surrender your grief and lay it at
the foot of the cross. Does this mean you will never feel sad? That you will
never ever cry again over your loved one? No. Of course not. But the huge
sorrow....the overwhelming one that makes you want to not go on, this is the
one you must get all out, and then surrender it. You'll never get through this if
you are controlled by your grief for day after day. You'll be miserable, and will
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not be of any help to your loved one.

5. Immerse yourself in Praise and Worship music. The last thing you feel
like doing right now is praising God right? You are devastated and don't know
what to do. How in the world can you lift up your hands in worship to God? But
this is not what we see in the Bible. We see worshiping God at all times. What
helped me more than anything when I went through this for the first time was
listening, and after I was able to because it takes some time, singing praise
and worship songs. There is something healing about worshiping God. I know
it's the last thing you feel like doing but it really really does help. Hillsong
Worship Australia is awesome and those are the albums that really got me
through those hard first weeks. Also, and this is not praise and worship but it's
a great CD, an album called The Mercy Project. It cradled me like a baby when
I felt so scared and sad. The Mercy Project is what I needed in the very
beginning and then I put the hillsong worship in and that helped me a lot and I
listen to that to this day. It's amazing. Ask me about these if you would like to
know more.

6. Learn, learn, learn!! Get your hands on everything. Go to PFOX's site

at www.pfox.org for more resources. You want to know all there is to know
about SSA. You want to know how to talk to your loved one when you have
opportunities. Educating yourself and learning how to communicate with
him/her is essential.

7. Get counseling if necessary. You will get a lot of support and

encouragement here but you may need or want more help. You may want to
seek counseling if you feel you need more than just support. I'm glad you are
here though!! That's a great step to healing :)

8. Be a beacon of hope and a shining light for your loved one. He/She is
going to be watching you. Someone who is suffering and broken isn't going to
find much hope in a Christian who seems almost just as miserable. It is
important that you take care of yourself (including the things I mentioned
above, but definitely not limited to this list). You know how you help your
loved one? The two biggest things are prayer and your own walk with God. You
know what the Bible says? The Bible says we need to make people JEALOUS
with the hope that we have. Your loved one needs to see something different
in you. He/She needs to see something in you that he/she does not have but
that he/she desperately wants. You need to make him/her jealous with the
hope you have in you. But if you don't have hope that won't be possible.
Remember our hope is in Jesus Christ--in who He is. Let God change you!!
Pray "God change me" not "God change my circumstances." That's HUGE. God
may not change your circumstances in the way you want Him to or when you
want Him to but He will definitely change you if you ask Him. Grow deeper in
love with God. He is EVERYTHING. Is He your world? Then show it!!! This is
what your loved one needs to see in you. This is a BIG way for you to help
him/her. Growing in God for yourself. You can't change your loved one, but
you can be an example. And you can sure do a lot for yourself. And this is
what helps. Promise!!!

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What Can I Do Now?
by Star

After you have learned how to take care of yourself and have found healing in
the Master Healer Himself, you will be ready to focus more on how you can
help your loved one. Here are some of the things I have learned and what I
have found most effective in reaching out to my loved ones:

1. Pray and keep communication lines open. This is number one!!!

2. Remember, you cannot change him/her. I know how much you just
want to shake him/her and make him/her see the truth. If he/she would just
listen to you he/she would save himself (and you) so much pain.
3. Love more; talk less. Unconditional love has been my most influential
tool. My gay best friend is also a pagan witch. (Talk about heartache). He was
surrounded all his life by fake Christians and finally rejected the faith. The only
reason he listens to me talk about Christ is because I show him unconditional
love. He isn't very open to anyone else sharing the gospel with him other than
me.
4. Continue to take hold of our spiritual weapon: God's Word and
prayer. A great book to get is The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie
Omartian. Get her prayer cards--she breaks down different areas in which you
can pray for your loved one. Sometimes we just don't know what to pray for.
Remember, homosexuality is a symptom of the real problem...we need to find
the root issues...pray about those roots. Another great book is "Praying the
Prodigal Home." It is amazing and touches on homosexuality and personal
stories from parents. Do you have a prayer partner? If not, get one right away.
Pray daily together and just see God move. Every night my prayer partners
and I pray for our loved ones. We have seen God move in unbelievable ways.
It happens very very slowly at first. For a year it seemed like nothing was
happening.
5. Don’t forget how deep God’s love runs for your loved one. Say this
to yourself everyday: God loves _______ more than I do! I know that
sounds incrediblely simplistic but that is the one thing that has comforted me
more than anything on this journey.
6. Hold on to those promise verses. Find some verses in the Bible that
really remind you of what God is doing for your loved one as you pray. For
example, one of my favorites is Isaiah 57:18-19: "I have seen his ways, but I
will heal him; I will lead him and restore comfort to him and to his mourners,
creating the praise of the lips. Peace, peace to him who is far and to him who
is near, says the LORD, and I will heal him." Personalize these verses: replace
"him" with your loved one's name.
7. When you share something, be ready for your loved one to share
something with you. Let him/her talk. Just listen. Breathe. Think before you
speak and make sure your loved one is finished. Avoid futile quarrels.
8. Know what sways your loved one. Facts vs. Feelings. If it's feelings,
you'll want to focus on sharing testimonies not scientific and medical facts. If
it's facts, then you want to share the scientific and medical facts.
9. Know how much you can share at one time. Don't push too much just
because you know that if he/she would just read this it will be clear to him/her.
Don't be swayed by that logic. It's easy to fall for. There is always a limit, and
293
if you want to continue to share things with your loved one then you need to
know what that limit is.
10. Make sure you have a very strong, open relationship with your
loved one first. Take time to just build the relationship before you share
anything. Let your loved one talk first. Let him/her share what is on his/her
mind. Just listen.
11. Remember your loved one's beliefs are just as strong as
yours. His/Her feelings are very real. Never forget the realness of all of this. If
he/she is in a homosexual relationship, that is real. And that is important to
him/her.
12. Never compromise. Your loved one's beliefs will change all the time. But
never let yours change. Hold to your convictions. Make sure your loved one
knows them (once only). Once your loved one knows knows, he/she knows.
And they will continue to be clear to him /her by your unmoving convictions
and faith. Your loved one most likely will not need to be reminded.
13. You are the gospel that your loved one is reading. He/She may not
want to pick up a Bible. Your loved one may do all he/she can to empty
him/herself of every Bible verse that has been hid in his/her heart. But he/she
will always read you, and you are the greatest testimony he/she could ever
read. Truly model Christ before your loved one. Christ neither condemned nor
condoned. Master the balance between the two. My friend actually said this to
me: "You my dear, are an actual Christian to me. When I read the bible, I see
Star. Sure you make mistakes, but you still live the life that I think God would
want (if he was real)." Your loved one may not say something like this to you,
but he/she will see the difference in you (If there is one!) over time. Keep in
mind that this may also be what keeps him/her away (the conviction). Trust
God is working and, even in his/her bitterness toward you, your Christian
influence will win out in the end. (Another loved one of mine did not talk to me
for almost two years for, I believe, this reason. I would write to him once
every month. Finally, he did respond to me. He said only the nicest things,
which lead me to believe that he was observing me that whole time, thinking
about everything. He still does not communicate with me regularly but because
of that letter, I know my influence is effective. Do not lose hope in your
prodigal loved one who wants nothing to do with you. He/She can shut you out
of his/her life, but your Christian influence will live on. God will see to that!
Pray and live the life!

What We Wish Our Friends Knew, Would Say, Or Wouldn't Say

1. We as PFOX parents LOVE our same gender attracted kids. Don't tell us to
love them anyway. Of course we do!

2. Unlike what we thought, it is NOT about sex at all. It is about unfulfilled

wants and needs.

3. NO ONE wants to have same gender attraction.

4. NO ONE is born "gay." Honest homosexuals will tell you they know they
were not born that way. We can show you the proof, so don't say, "Oh, just
accept it, they can't help it." The "world" has told all of us a big lie.
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5. Yet, conversely, they CAN'T help it. We know that. We know how they all
struggled for years and years to get rid of these feelings, before giving up.

6. If you call them a name: faggot, queer, sissy…..YOU are part of the
problem. You have driven them deeper and deeper into keeping their deep
dark "secret." You have forced them to find friends who "understand" them –
other strugglers.

7. Don't tell them to "shake it off." They have tried that. They have prayed and
cried for years. It doesn't just "go away."

8. And DON'T think they can just get married and it will go away. That is
absolutely the proven worst thing that could happen.

9. And don't tell us it's okay. We love them, but we don't have to accept this
as the final act in their lives. True love tells us to try and help them: with good
information, good friends, and good support. Whatever it takes. We know they
may never change, but that doesn't mean we have to just accept it. Would you
accept your child's cancer and never take him to the doctor? Would you
approve of his drug addiction, so he would keep loving you? Real parents do
not act that way. We won't either.

10. DO try to learn along with us. Do ask us how we are…how our child is. Do
pray with us. We know we can't pray it away, but we know we can pray for the
right thing to do….for the right things to happen in their lives.

11. We do feel that our SGA children are the choicest of spirits. They are the
most sensitive, kind and intelligent. They can endure this special trial and be
true children of God in the end.

How govt traps young men in transgender subculture

July 24, 2013

MassResistance Update Home Page
Pro-family activism

"In a time of universal deceit telling the truth is a

revolutionary act."
- George Orwell

From the public schools into the streets:

How state and federal money is "empowering" troubled young

men in dangerous lives as "transgenders"

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Crime, prostitution, and AIDS

This is one of the most troubling emails we've published. The

public school programs that encourage children to experiment with
cross-dressing and transgenderism are often just the beginning of a
terrible journey that can lead to disease and even early death.

Teens at
state-
supported
"Youth
Pride" Day
in Boston
in 2009.
[Mass-
Resistance
photo]

We have reported how the radical "LGBT youth programs" in the public
schools are encouraging troubled kids to begin dressing as the
opposite sex and then take on a "transgender" identity. In
Massachusetts, after the Transgender Rights Law was passed the
Department of Education immediately began taking steps to force
public schools to officially embrace and support such behavior by kids,
letting them use opposite-sex locker rooms and restrooms and
changing their names on official records. At the same time, they are
imposing radical diversity training on others, and intend to punish
students and faculty who voice any disapproval.

And here's a
result. Two
young men at
2013 "Youth
Pride" Day in
Boston.
[Mass-
Resistance
photo.]

But what happens to these kids after they leave school? Unfortunately,
this bizarre, unnatural "identity" causes many of these already
troubled youth to become even more dysfunctional. Some quit school
early. Many of them get involved with drugs and alcohol. A shocking
number of them become almost completely disengaged with normal
life. They leave home and wander the streets, falling in with other
troubled people. (And some of the most trouble people are at the
state-sanctioned youth "support groups" such as BAGLY).

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Many of these "transgender" male youth, a high proportion of whom
are black, find their way to "gay" oriented commune-like places run by
equally dysfunctional adults, such as male transsexual "house mother."

"House mother" at 2012

"LifeSkillz" ballroom
competition. [Jenn Alton
photo].

Identified as LifeSkills Project

team member Athena Khan
a.k.a. Mother Bulah
(apparently a man).

Crime and prostitution

In addition to the need for food and shelter, these "transgender" youth
are often trying to get money for sex-change treatments and surgical
operations, cosmetic procedures, and women's clothing. They
commonly resort to theft, shoplifting, identity theft, selling drugs,
other petty crimes.

Sadly, more and more of these male youth who now "identify" as
females begin supporting themselves by prostituting themselves to
men who are willing to pay for that kind of "alternative" homosexual
experience. This situation has been fairly well documented by
transgender activist groups. Not surprisingly, the resulting rate of
HIV/AIDS and suicidal behaviors is extremely high among these
transgenders and transsexuals.

Young male
"trans woman"
Bambi, who
works with
BAGLY [photo
from his
Facebook].

NOTE: BAGLY is
an official part of
the state-funded
Mass.
Commission for
LGBT Youth. It
has been run for
many years by a
"male to female"

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 transsexual.

Tax-supported "LGBT Youth" groups get involved with their

own agenda

And what do the "LGBT Youth" organizations (supported by your state

and federal tax dollars) do to deal with this tragic situation? They do
the opposite of what normal common sense would suggest. These
young men need real help and healing. But instead, these groups work
to further enmesh them into a dangerous underground culture. Their
aim is not to help these kids out of this destructive lifestyle, but to
reinforce their "gay" or "transgender" identities as normal.

The adult activists say they want to "empower" them while they
continue these behaviors -- so they can cope with the many harmful
and often illegal aspects of their existence. In some cases, the adults
will bring a few of them into more structured group houses. But from
what we can see, the activities of these youths are dealt with in an
irresponsibly non-judgmental manner.

Promoting "safer sex" instead of leaving the lifestyle

The inescapable problem surrounding these behaviors is the deadly

danger of a range of diseases, particularly HIV/AIDS. This is what is
most outrageous about the approach of all the homosexual and
transgender activist groups. They don't try to get people to stop these
horrible behaviors. Instead, they counsel them to use so-called "safer
sex" methods, meaning condom use (along with giving them packets
of anal lubrication). Hand in hand with that is a constant call to get
tested for HIV/AIDS. Virtually every "gay" youth event we've seen also
includes some opportunity to get tested. It's pretty eerie, actually. If a
person tests positive for HIV/AIDS, at that point it's too late. (The new
anti-retroviral drugs do not eliminate the virus, have serious side
effects, and involve a demanding and expensive daily regimen that few
adhere to, according to the CDC.)

Keeping kids safe?

Condoms and anal
lubricant given out by
Boston GLASS at Mass.
LGBT Youth Pride
2013.

Not only is this an extremely short-sighted approach to a life-

threatening situation, but to our knowledge none of these groups
work with the parents of minor children involved with these
behaviors. And this unorthodox (and in our opinion unethical)
approach to public health is not limited to the fringe homosexual

298
groups, but includes "respectable" community agencies, such as
Fenway Health Center, Children's Hospital, and the Sydney Borum
Clinic, all of which have similar policies regarding minor children (i.e.,
anonymous, confidential AIDS and STD testing for teens 13 and older).

Card handed out at Mass. Youth Pride 2013. Boston Children's Hospital
offers "free and confidential safer sex education and resources" for
ages 13 and up. A Children's Hospital representative told
MassResistance that they do NOT involve the parents of minor
children. They also run an extremely controversial "gender clinic" for
children.

Moreover, the clinics deal with HIV/AIDS. They do not seem to be

interested in the myriad other medical problems and the mental health
issues associated with these behaviors. And they are not concerned
the dangerous long-term effects on young people taking opposite-sex
hormones or seeking life-changing surgery to "become" the opposite
sex.

The "ball culture" or "ballroom scene"

In recent years, one major way that these homosexual and

transgender groups attract and engage troubled youth has been
through so-called "ballroom" or "ball culture" events.

They are sort of a mix of a fashion show and a free-for-all solo dance
contest. There are various categories of prizes given out at these
events -- for costume, hair, etc. -- and particularly exotic dancing
(posing as the opposite sex) which is done on a runway in the middle
of the crowd. The ballroom scene has become particularly popular in
the "trans" community. The transgender or cross-dressing youth come
in and "do their thing" as wildly or precisely as they wish. Some of the
"dancing" seems to be more like acting out their feelings. It also
seems to be a way for cross-dressing boys to publicly appear more
feminine and alluring (and vice versa for the females who participate).

ABOVE: Card handed out at Mass. LGBT Youth Pride 2013

advertising
the monthly "ballroom" event run by BAGLY and TransCEND (a
support group for adult male-to-female transgenders, many of
whom the website has said are involved with "sex work").
Shockingly, TransCEND had a booth at the 2011 Mass. Youth Pride
event. (See video at 1 min. 20 secs.)

BELOW: TransCEND's website showing its support for transgender

prostitution for men ("sisters"). This page was recently removed,
apparently because of its controversial content.

299
The kids are made to feel a sense of "belonging" in this subculture and
to believe that their behaviors and lifestyles are not abnormal or
destructive but perfectly natural and even "cool."

VIDEO:
Watch the
ballroom
scene for
yourself.
Featuring
young man
"Niecy" (in
black
leotard)
dancing at
GLASS
event in
2012.

In Massachusetts, these "ballroom" events are regularly put on by

Boston Area Gay Lesbian and Transgender Youth (BAGLY) and Boston
Gay & Lesbian Adolescent Social Services (GLASS; part of the Justice
Resource Institute) and others, all of which appear to get direct or
indirect public funding. (These groups have affiliations with more
radical groups, such as Transcend and the National Gay and Lesbian
Task Force, both of which have in the past openly promoted
homosexual prostitution at their events or on their websites.)

The federally funded "LifeSkills" project: more trans youth

madness

Not surprisingly, this madness is also being pushed with federal

funding.

At both the 2012 and 2013 Boston Youth Pride events, one group
called "LifeSkills" was giving out flyers seeking "transgender women"
- i.e., males dressing up as females. It was for a federally funded
project by the National Institutes of Health (NIH; part of the Centers
for Disease Control).

Handing out
LifeSkills literature
2012 LGBT Youth
Pride in Boston.
Male-to-female
transgender on left
is the office
manager for the

300
 LifeSkills program.
[MassResistance
photo]

LifeSkills, in our opinion, encapsulates the worst attitudes of the

radical homosexual and transgender activists toward young people.

LifeSkills is a program for teaching and monitoring "safer sex"

behaviors of cross-dressing male youth who are out in the streets
involved with dangerous behaviors, including prostitution (which they
term "transactional sex work"). The LifeSkills staff is made up of
transgenders, and works through the Fenway Community Health
Center in Boston. They are also coordinating with Boston Children's
Hospital, the Sydney Borum Clinic, and the "activist clinic" Justice
Resource Center (and its subsidiary, Boston GLASS).

In addition to recruiting transgender male youth for their AIDS testing

program, LifeSkills also steers kids to the frequent "ballroom scene"
events held by Boston GLASS and BAGLY.

"Empowerment" while "reducing the risk" of disease and death

LifeSkills is focused specifically on cross-dressing boys and young men

sexually acting out as females, which they describe using the bizarre
term "trans women." Like the state-funded approach, their mindset
involves "empowering" these very troubled young people to continue
their behaviors in a way that might "reduce the risk" of the life-
threatening diseases, particularly HIV/AIDS.

They use "gay youth" events (Mass. Youth Pride, BAGLY prom, etc.)
and other venues where transgender male youth would gather to
attract them to their LifeSkills program.

ABOVE: LiveSkills recruitment flyer targeting young male cross-

dressers handed out at Youth Pride in 2013.

BELOW: LifeSkills recruitment card handed out at Youth Pride 2012

by Fenway Health.

In their own words: The LifeSkills approach and philosophy is

described on its website:

(A) Empowerment in their transgender identities. The program is

meant to "empower" these male youth by reducing (not
eliminating!) the risk of AIDS:

The 6 session LifeSkills program aims to empower young trans women

by helping us to gain more knowledge about HIV and build the life

301
skills needed to reduce HIV risk behavior and stop the spread of the
virus. The program is led by trans women in Boston and Chicago and
also includes HIV and sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing and
counseling and assessment visits 4 times over a year-long period.

(B) Attempt to "reduce risk" of deadly HIV/AIDS. They say that

this project is important because the "HIV prevention needs" of these
boys dressed as females having sex with men are "different from"
those of men having sex with men, and these boys must be
"empowered." (Transgender male prostitutes are known to engage in
riskier male homosexual acts than many "gay" men are willing to -
e.g., anal receptive sex without condoms - according to GLBT
websites.)

Trans-specific HIV prevention programs are struggling to catch up to

other HIV prevention interventions. There is a need for comprehensive
trans-specific HIV prevention programs that are evidence-based (i.e.,
have been shown to work) and that meet our unique circumstances as
young trans women.

. . . We are trying to distinguish our communities and incorporate the

unique factors we face and experience relating to HIV risk, and which
make our HIV prevention needs different from, for example, those of
men who have sex with men. We also want to build upon our strengths
and avoid a deficits-based approach. It is time to be empowered.

It is not specifically explained what is meant by the "unique

circumstances" that transgenders face. But LifeSkills acknowledges
that "sex work" is a major issue within the "transgender women's"
community.

(C) Cope with (not abandon) their destructive situation. But

given the dangerous lifestyle these "trans women" lead, LifeSkills'
most important goal is NOT lifting these tragic young men out of
this false, destructive "identity" and this horrible existence.
Instead, their priorities are transgenders feeling "empowered" in their
"transgender" identities while trying to mitigate the medical risks of
disease. They do counsel them about working through their problems
of housing, prostitution, drug use, etc., but it's a lower priority and
they avoid the overall bigger picture: leaving that lifestyle altogether.

The LifeSkills curriculum contains specific content regarding the

context in which HIV risk takes place for many of us, including
securing safe housing and employment, and directly addresses the
economic allure of transactional sex work, all of which are day-to-day
realities for many of our young trans women and which complicate
comprehensive HIV prevention efforts.

302
For example, we know that transactional sex work may help solve
more immediate problems in our lives, such as securing food and
housing, paying for gender transitioning, and earning extra income
that may help our families. Similarly, substance and alcohol use may
help us to cope with depression and discrimination, yet both sex work
and substance use can place us at risk for HIV or other STIs. We need
to talk about it. Know our risk boundaries and limits. Care for
ourselves, protect ourselves, and empower ourselves.

Empowerment includes feeling part of a sisterhood of trans women,

from many generations, standing in solidarity together, celebrating our
beauty and diversity, and knowing that we are worth saving.

Note that they're intent on getting these young men to see themselves
as part of "a sisterhood of trans women." This gets to the heart of the
transgender agenda regarding the youth of America.

Provocative handout at 2013

LGBT Youth Pride recruiting
cross-dressing young men for
LifeSkills project.

Their war on our nation's young people -and what we must do

The transgender agenda in the public schools is only the beginning of

the horror that these troubled youth face, supported by the radicals in
government using your tax money.

It is not hyperbole to say that the homosexual/transgender movement

is exploiting vulnerable and often helpless youth who get trapped in
these terrible behaviors for their own selfish political and cultural
purposes. It's not about saving kids from misery and death. The
concept of "empowering them" to attempting to "reduce the risk" of
life-threatening diseases is really about propping up a corrupt and
depraved national movement.

How is this happening? A huge problem is public officials, particularly

our elected legislators, both in Congress and at the state level. In
Massachusetts (and other states) the elected officials are willing to
give enormous public funding to the homosexual movement. But they
refuse to question where the money goes, or challenge them in any
way. Much of it is cowardice, and some is sheer malevolence. Congress
is not much better in that regard.

Your children are at stake. We need to confront our public officials up

and down the line on this issue. If you are willing to do that, contact
us. This cannot wait. (There will be more on that in upcoming emails.)

303
 As we've been saying all along, the transgender rights agenda is not
just a "bathroom bill." If we concede to that, we've lost. It's about a
much larger and insidious movement, rooted in an insane and evil
concept of humanity, that must be confronted head-on and stopped.

[NOTE: Further documentation and photos can be found in the

expanded report by MassResistance researcher Amy Contrada.]

Why is Heterosexuality Being Banned?

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

PFOX@pfox.org

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX)

Normal sexuality – heterosexuality – is not a disease, yet legislation outlawing

heterosexual counseling treats it as one. Promoted by the gay lobby, these
bills take away the rights of minors to be treated for unwanted same-sex
attractions by a licensed therapist. The bills usually cite a select list of mental
health organizations to back up their dubious claims, choosing to ignore other
organizations that say the contrary. Regardless, no mental health association
bans therapy for unwanted same-sex attractions, which is why gay activists
turn to politicians to use government force against choice. In doing so, the
activists point to long-ago horror stories about harm by electroshock therapy
for individuals undergoing heterosexual therapy. If this is true as they claim,
why not simply outlaw shock therapy? Why not indeed? Because homosexual
activists are not concerned about shock therapy or any other horror story
therapy. They want to outlaw the idea of normal sexuality and prevent any
individuals, including children molested by homosexuals, from receiving
therapy to address their sexual confusion. They leave them only one option --
gay-affirming therapy.

Hence, molested children are raped twice –– once by a homosexual predator,

and then again by lawmakers who prohibit them from seeing a licensed and
credentialed therapist unless that therapist is gay-affirming. This totalitarian
scheme ensures that the molested child is recruited and confirmed into
homosexual behavior and identity.

Heterosexual therapy, also known as sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE)

therapy, operates like any other psychotherapy, with the therapist talking
through emotional difficulties and issues the child is dealing with. Yet talk
therapy toward a heterosexual outcome is being outlawed for the first time.
Homosexual activists are telling parents and children that their only recourse is
to falsely tell the child that he is born “gay” and to get over it. Why would you
say this to a molested child who is now sexually confused because of his
experience with a homosexual predator? Or a child who had his first sexual
304
experience with an older teen of the same gender and now wonders if he was
targeted because he was perceived as being “gay”?

What is more dangerous for children – homosexual sex or talk therapy by a

licensed therapist? Recent CDC statistics demonstrate that male children are
especially in danger of contracting HIV/AIDS. In 2011, an astonishing 94.9
percent of HIV diagnoses among teenage boys (13-19-years-old) were linked
to homosexual ("male-to-male") sex. And parents are supposed to go along
with this behavior under penalty of law?

AIDS kills, yet no one has died of heterosexual therapy. Politicians buffeted by
the gay lobby and its wealthy donors must stop outlawing even the idea of
normal sexuality and instead start criminalizing sodomy for minors under any
circumstances or demand vigorous enforcement of existing criminal child
sodomy laws. In this way, minors will be able to freely seek out licensed
therapists for their unwanted same-sex attractions, sexual confusion, or
trauma from homosexual encounters. Parents will no longer have to fear the
gay lobby denying them the freedom to make health care decisions for their
own children.

Heterosexuality is not a disease, and legislators shouldn’t treat it as one.

###

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays (PFOX) is the nation’s leading advocacy
organization for love, support, and positive life change for the ex-gay
community, their families, and individuals with unwanted same-sex attractions.
Every person seeking positive life change toward healthy sexuality needs the
love and support of friends, family, the community, and churches.

305