LOVE, SEX

RELATIONSHIPS
 THE SEXUALITY MIXER
I EMOTIONS DESIRE IDENTITY FAMILY CULTURE BELIEFS
SELF-
ESTEEM
SEXUAL
DEVELOP'T
RELATION-
SHIPS
first had
sex when I
was 21...

...15...
I love…
my teacher…

… my
...18... best
friend…

...35!
… being
cuddled…

…having
my neck
kissed…

…being
I want
to wait Your sexuality is part of your personality. Like your body and your brain, your sexuality stroked.
until I’m
married.
It’s how you feel about yourself as a sexual develops throughout your life.
being and how others see you. It may take time to find out who you are and
Your emotions, feelings, behaviour, sexual what you want, but that’s all part of I’d
orientation and culture all help to define the process. Take your time. rather stay
home and
I like your sexuality. There’s no rush. watch TV.
to touch I don’t
myself... know what
…
to walk I like.
around
naked… I don’t
fancy
anyone. I came
Boys…
out in my girls….I
50s. can’t make up
… to my mind.
dance…

… to dress
up as a girl.
I don’t
want to
know about
I like this.
sexy texts.
I think
I might be a
lesbian.

2  3
 The sad truth about why you will never look like the idealised Take away the photo-manipulation, the retouching, the stylist, and
celebrities of your dreams is that they barely exist in the first place. the make-up, and what you’re left with is just another (ordinary)
pretty face.
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• Hair im
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• Glow fr love (with self) • bad hair month • hates sport doll … ut ME,
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desperate y
• farts • nice to old ladies big in th crotch look
• fashion error • tells you you’re is?
• fantastic smile gorgeous when
• great kisser you feel like a ratbag

The GREAT NEWS for you, me, and pretty much everyone else on earth, is that At the end of the day, if you’re going to enjoy spending time together then you
we’re all looking for different things in a friend and in a partner. need to be able to relax with each other and enjoy each other’s company. It
So why not seek out people who love you for what you are? can take a while to find your ‘soul-mates’, but don’t despair, it’s not a race.
EATING DISORDERS HELP! My girlfriend/boyfriend
Sometimes people may have a false image of “The degree of thinness
tells me I’m too fat! BORING BUT TRUE
their body (a feeling that they are fat and need exhibited by models chosen The easiest way to stay in shape is
Tell them they're too critical
to lose weight, when this isn’t the case). Their to promote products is to increase the amount of physical
and then tell them to push
feelings about food become mixed up with how both unachievable and exercise you do (play a sport, walk
off. Once they’re gone, stick
they feel about themselves. An eating disorder biologically inappropriate” to school or college, dance), and
to people who don’t make you
often indicates other problems. Talk to your British Medical Association keep fizzy drinks, sugar and junk
feel bad about yourself.
doctor or a group that can help. report food to a minimum.
4  5
 OK, No LABELS. BUT WHAT IS…?
asexual a person who doesn't feel sexual
attraction or respond sexually to others.
Sexuality is a mix…
bisexual a person sexually attracted to both
men and women (not necessarily at the
same time).
fetishist a person turned on by a particular
thought, activity or object, such as the feel What mix are you?
A ‘girly girl’ who Sexual
or smell of leather.
loves dressing in orientation
gender being male or female. A person’s can take
sex is determined by their chromosomes pink? A ‘man’s man’
who loves lifting many forms
(tiny thread-like structures that carry genes.
Genes determine what sex we are and what heavy weights? – straight,
we look like). Gender can be expressed in gay, lesbian,
In practice, most
different ways and is influenced by a range bisexual.
of the world falls
of things including culture and society. Even then,
somewhere between
heterosexual (straight) a person sexually everyone’s
these two extremes.
attracted to people of the opposite gender. different.
Some men – gay and
gay a word used to describe people who are A lot of
straight – love to dress
attracted to others of the same gender. people
up in outrageous clothing.
gay man a man who is attracted to other are unsure
Some women don’t like to
men. Some men prefer to use the word what their
‘homosexual’.
wear dresses. Some men
sexual
lesbian a women who is attracted to other
make brilliant nurses and
orientation
women. Some women prefer to use the
love to cook but this does
is.
not mean that they are gay.
term ‘gay’ or ‘homosexual’.
trans or transgender an inclusive term for
Some women like to play
all people who see their own gender in a
football and rugby but this
different way from the gender they were does not mean that they are
lesbians.
given when they were born. They might
decide to change their gender through Stereotypes – where women
medical treatment or surgery and also and men are expected
change it legally, but this would be a to conform to certain
GENDER BLENDER
decision for each individual. behaviours – bring MALE
transsexual a person who sees themself as everyone down.
(and usually wants to become) another sex;
It’s better to accept
STRAIGHT
transsexual people can be straight or gay.
transvestite a person who likes to dress in the person and treat SEXUAL
clothing usually worn by the opposite sex. everyone with respect.
FEMININE
6  7
You don’t choose your sexual
orientation – to be straight or
gay, lesbian or bisexual – any
more than you choose to be tall
or small, black or white. online or in person – can make
It’s just the way you are.
Many parents and friends will
support you, whatever your
sexual orientation. If yours
aren’t supportive, there
are plenty of people you can
turn to who are (see p16).
Your sexuality may change
throughout your life.
Confusion and uncertainty
may be difficult, but at
least you can be certain
you’re not alone.
Give yourself time.
FEMALE
GAY
ASEXUAL
MASCULINE
HOMOPHOBIA
Hating, abusing or bullying people
because they are gay or lesbian, or
using ‘gay’ as an insult to mean
‘stupid’ or ‘crap’, is stupid and crap.
So don’t do it.
BULLYING
Pushing, hitting, name-calling,
persistent teasing, tormenting
someone or deliberately making
someone feel stupid – whether
people feel scared and powerless.
But you can do something about
it. If you see it, report it. If you’re
being bullied, tell someone – a
parent or carer, teacher, your doctor
or the police. Call a helpline (see
p16). Write a note if you can’t talk
about it. But don’t suffer in silence.
BULLIES
THE LA
If you’ve Bullies (a W
nd
ever bullied families) their
c
taken to an be
someone, think co
about why. p rosecuted urt and
Some people schools w – as can
ho
bully because a bout it an know
d let it
they are go on.
upset, angry
or afraid. So talk
to someone about what’s bothering you
– bullying won’t help.
No one deserves to be bullied. Help
people out and stick up for one
another. You’ll sleep better at night
knowing you’ve contributed to someone
else’s happiness.
 A T T R A C T I O N QUIZ: Are You Compatible?
Who would you choose as a best friend/partner? 1. Does your friend/partner look at you like you’re insane
Ask 20 people the same question and they’ll all give you when you pour out your most intimate feelings?
different answers. What does this say? We all have different Yes No
tastes in people! 2. Do they shower you with support when you’re feeling
Excellent – and extremely reassuring. insecure or unsure of yourself?
At this stage in your life Your hormones may be Yes No
you might be happy with a telling you to go go go 3. Do they make loud and unpleasant comments about you
few friends. Or you might one minute, cry cry cry around other people?
be starting to think about a the next, and run away Yes No
partner of the opposite sex. and hide after that. 4. Can you really relax and have a laugh together?
Or the same sex. There is no ideal Yes No
You might feel you’re progression through 5. Do they pressure you for sex you don’t want or things you
ready for anything. Or sexuality and don’t want to do?
maybe just a little bit of relationships, any more Yes No
experimentation. Or sex than there is an ideal 6. Are you worried that they might someday discover the
may be something you’d partner or body shape. hideous truth about what you’re really like and then slag
rather not think about yet. Relationships take time you off all over town?
to explore, and mistakes Yes No
You might have fantasies
SCORE Do you really need us to score this quiz for you?
about people you barely are part of the journey. The whole point of relationships is to choose someone who
know. Film stars. Teachers. genuinely likes and respects you for what you are. It’s easy
Or your best friend. to get so twisted up trying to please other people that you
forget what makes you you (plus, it doesn’t usually work).

8  9
 Relationships How to
get a
How to tell someone you’re not
interested
How to tell the difference relationship Try to be kind and put yourself in the other
between love and a crush If you’re looking person’s shoes. “I just don’t think we’re right for
for love and each other,” or “I’m sorry I don’t feel the same
A crush can be emotionally all- way,” is generally a better response than “You
can’t find
encompassing, exhausting and it, work on must be joking.”
often totally unrealistic. The developing other
object of your passion may not relationships. Is it possible to
know you exist or how you feel. People who
survive rejection?
If they are a celebrity or your make and How to tell someone you
maintain close fancy them It is, but nobody will
teacher, that's the way it's likely friendships learn valuable skills to say it’s easy. In case of
to stay, and that may suit you apply next time around to a “I worship and adore you!” can
be off-putting. It’s generally
rejection, fall back on
just fine. If it’s your sister’s different kind of love.
better to build up to it slowly. the people who really
best friend, however, you may
do love you – your
have a chance of it Try talking about something
shared – food, a film, a game, family, your friends,
becoming real.
a favourite band. Eat lunch your cat, your dog.
You need to talk, find together. Text each other a few Rejection is part of
out if you have things times. Get to know one another. life and, if you learn
in common and get to If the object of your passion from it, can help your
know each other better. A crush won’t lend you a pencil, they’re next relationship to be
becomes love when it becomes probably not interested in having smarter and stronger.
real – when you tell the other a relationship either.
person how you feel and How to tell if someone really
find out that they feel the likes you
same. Do they talk to you, ask your opinion,
Don't forget your listen to your answers, want to be with
Everyone talks about ‘raging hormones’,
but you may find the science reassuring. friends you and treat you nicely?
Extreme feelings of creativity, love, rage, and Sexual attraction may lead R-E-S-P-E-C-T is always a good start.
despair are typical of the teenage years because to love – or disappointment. No good relationship works without it.
your body is producing high levels of the natural So treat your friends well. Anyone who can’t remember your name
chemicals responsible for these feelings. Some and/or avoids you like the plague is
Real friends will stick
people barely notice the ups and downs; others probably not attracted to you.
around long after your
may swing between exhilaration and despair. current object of passion
By your 20s, many of these swings will settle has crawled back under its
down and you’re likely to feel more in control. rock.
If you’re worried about how you feel, talk to
someone who can help (see p16).

10  11
 FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
How can I tell if
I'm ready for sex?
Ask yourself these
questions:
• Do you want to have
sex (for you, not for
someone else)?
• Do you like, trust and
respect your partner?
• Are you prepared to
take responsibility for
having safer sex?
• Are you prepared for
the possible emotional
rollercoaster of
rejection or break-up?
Don’t be pressured into
sex, and don’t put your
future at risk by having
unsafe sex.
What is
masturbation?
Most women and men
masturbate (touch, stroke
and rub their genitals in a
way that feels pleasurable).
It’s a good way to get to
know your own body and
your own sexual responses.
Once you know what turns
you on, you can let your
partner know too.
12  13
ABOUT HAVING SEX
What is ‘having Is it OK to say NO? What is safer sex? How do I turn What is oral sex?
sex’? Don’t do anything you Safer sex is taking someone on? Licking, sucking and
Having sex, or making don’t want to do and steps to reduce the risk If two people fancy each kissing each other's
love, includes any activity don’t pressure someone of pregnancy and other, they’re probably genitals. Often called a
that sexually arouses into doing something they sexually transmitted already turned on. A lot of ‘blow job’ when done to
infections (STIs).
you and your partner. It’s don’t want to. being turned on happens a man, and ‘going down’
Practising safer sex
not just about the penis It’s fine to change your in your head – flirting, when done to a woman.
(using condoms) is the
penetrating the vagina. mind – if you start having eye-contact or a touch can Some people enjoy it;
It might include talking single most important cause you to feel faint with others aren't interested.
sex and want to stop, it’s step anyone can take to
and flirting, kissing, desire. Kissing, stroking,
not being a tease. help prevent getting or
looking, touching, stroking licking can all be turn-ons. What is anal sex?
each other, kissing using
Having sex once doesn’t passing on STIs. The real secret is to be
Penetration of the anus
tongues (french kissing),
mean you have to have aware of what gives the
by the penis. Some people
removing clothes, touching
it again. You might worry Am I the only one other person pleasure.
about upsetting the think that only gay men
each other’s genitals, not having sex?
person you’re with, but have anal sex – but it's not
putting on a condom. In the UK, the average age Can I be good at sex? true. Many gay men never
Whatever your sexual
it’s better than doing for men and women having
something you might No one is born sexually have anal sex. You can be
orientation, you can have sex for the first time is experienced. Most of the gay, straight or bisexual.
sex in all sorts of ways –
regret. 16. Many wait until they
fun is learning. Talk to Some people enjoy it;
there’s no magic formula. are older. your partner. Ask what others aren't interested.
they like. Be aware of Some find it uncomfortable
How do I say what I want? What is an orgasm? their feelings as well as or painful.
Sometimes we find it hard to say what we want, such as Some experience your own pleasure. You can get and pass
asking your partner to wear a condom or telling them orgasm (coming) as on sexually transmitted
what turns you on. Perhaps we’re not sure what we a feeling of muscular Does sex hurt? infections through oral
want, or we put our partner’s needs first. spasms or contractions sex and anal sex as well
Some people experience
Often we don’t say what we want for fear of being that feel really good. pain, for example, when as vaginal sex. Make sure
Others feel tingly all
rejected, laughed at, hurt or ignored. But the more we a penis first penetrates you cover the penis with
over. Each orgasm feels
don’t say what we want, the more resentful we become, the vagina or anus. Take a condom or the female
different, but most men
and the harder it is to talk. Think about what you want it slowly and sensitively: genitals or male or female
and women know when
and how to say it. Practise on your own. Pick your time. yet another reason to anus with a dam – a latex
they've had one!
If people can’t respect your needs, they don’t deserve make sure you trust your or polyurethane (soft
your time and attention. partner. plastic) square.
You have the right to… • say no to sex that you don’t want
THE LAW In the UK, the age at which young people • clear information about sex • change your mind
• express and explore your sexuality • have access to sexual health
can agree, or consent, to have sex is 16. This is the
• not be judged because of your services
same whether you are gay, straight or bisexual.
sexuality • confidentiality
13
 STAY SAFE…
Certain behaviour is not ok –
under any circumstances.
• Telling lies or using anyone else to
get what you want.
• Taking ‘no’ to mean ‘yes’.
• Putting pressure on somebody to
get what you want.
• Threatening behaviour of any kind.
Use common sense to figure out
what’s not ok. Does it make you
(or someone else) feel bad or
uncomfortable? Is it dangerous?
Illegal? Or just plain stupid? Will
it get you pregnant? Give you an
infection? Are you scared if you don’t,
someone will laugh at you? Think
you’re not cool? Not love you?
Believe in yourself. If someone tries
to make you feel bad about what you
do/say/wear/like/are, tell them where
to stuff it.
ALL OF THESE ARE AGAINST THE LAW
GROOMING – when an adult tries to
gain the trust of a young person with
the aim of using them for sex. This
may be through the internet, texting,
phone or meetings.
INCEST – sexual contact or
intercourse between family members.
Incest often involves abuse (for
example, father with child).
RAPE – a man having sex with another
person (male or female) without their
consent. It is still rape even if the
perpetrator and victim know each other.
sending photos of a sexual nature of
someone who is under 18.
14  15
HELP! I’ve met someone online
and I think I’m in love!
It’s fairly common to meet online, but
if you're going to meet in person, it
can also be dangerous. Always take
a friend.
Tell a third person (preferably an
adult) where you’re meeting. Meet
in a public place. Be suspicious of
an older person who wants to be
friends with a teenager.
Don’t accept lifts
in cars. Trust your
instincts.
If you feel
funny about
something,
get away fast. Don't
worry about looking
foolish, it's better to
be safe. Never send
photos of yourself to
someone you don’t
know and trust in
real life.
If you've had sex
without contraception,
or your contraception failed, or if
you think you’ve risked getting an
STI, act quickly.
The emergency contraceptive pill,
Levonelle, can be taken up to three
days (72 hours) after sex. It is more
effective the earlier it is taken. It
is available with a prescription, or
to buy from a pharmacy if you are
over 16.
LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
HELP! My boyfriend HELP! After a few HELP! I’m only
doesn’t want to use drinks I can’t say no! 15. Can I get
a condom! Sex can seem like a great contraception
Condoms are the only idea when you’re drunk, without anyone
form of contraception stoned or high, but the knowing?
risks you take when you’re
that help protect against You can get confidential
pregnancy and most not in control can put you
free advice from a
sexually transmitted in danger.
young people’s service,
infections (STIs) such as One-third of 15–19 year old contraception, sexual
HIV and chlamydia. girls and more than one-
health or genitourinary
quarter of boys regretted
having sex that happened medicine (GUM) clinics
when they’d been drinking. and your doctor or nurse
(see p16). Nothing will
Don't let anyone be said to anyone unless
push you into doing you are at risk of serious
something risky.
harm, or of harming
others. Nothing should
be passed on before it is
discussed with you.
CHECKLIST FOR
A GOOD, SAFE NIGHT OUT
• Tell someone where you’re
going.
• Keep your phone charged up.
• Go home with a friend.
The emergency contraceptive pill,
• Work out how to get home
ellaOne, can be taken up to five days
and keep aside enough money.
(120 hours) after sex. It is only
available with a prescription. • Have the number for a taxi
firm you know and trust.
An emergency IUD can be fitted up to
five days after sex, or up to five days • Agree a signal with friends in
after the earliest time you could have case of unwanted attention.
released an egg (ovulation). • Carry condoms if you think
Ring for an emergency appointment at there is the slightest chance
your doctor's surgery, a contraception you might have sex. Make
sure you know how to use
or sexual health clinic or a young
them.
people’s service (see page 16).
 Where to get more information
For information on sexual health, sex These organisations can
and relationships visit www.fpa.org.uk also give you confidential
or check out these FPA booklets. information and advice.
Brook
www.brook.org.uk
For sexual health services and
advice for young people.
Childline
0800 1111
www.childline.org.uk
24-hour helpline for young
people with any problem.
Frank
www.talktofrank.com
For information on drugs.
GET CONNECTED
www.getconnected.org.uk
0808 808 4994
Free, confidential helpline and
advice service for young people.
London Lesbian & Gay
Switchboard
www.llgs.org.uk
Support and information for gay
LOVE, SEX, RELATIONSHIPS © FPA July 2014
men, lesbians, bisexuals and
ISBN 978-1-908249-85-2 trans people.
FPA, 50 Featherstone Street, London EC1Y 8QU
Tel 020 7608 5240 RAPE CRISIS
The Family Planning Association is a registered charity, www.rapecrisis.org.uk
number 250187. Limited liability company registered in
England, number 887632. For girls and women who have
Text MEG ROSOFF Illustration ED HILLYER been raped or assaulted
Design CORINNE PEARLMAN (Comic Company) recently or in the past.
Printed by McCorquodale
The information in this booklet was accurate at the time of SURVIVORS UK
going to print. Booklets are reviewed regularly. Next edition www.survivorsuk.org
available in 2017. If you would like information on the
evidence used to produce this booklet or would like to give For boys and men who’ve been
us feedback email feedback@fpa.org.uk raped or sexually abused.
Youth Access
www.youthaccess.org.uk
For your nearest
counselling service.
16