Ten Things I Know Now That I’m 65….

I am looking back at my life as people tend to do as they get

older. I am reflecting particularly on what I have learned over time, the lessons I have carried
forward that have enriched my life. One key benefit of aging, at least in my experience, is that
we don’t focus as much on our mistakes. We somehow finally become a little more accepting of
who we are, warts and all, and what a difference that makes. Focusing on regrets frankly
doesn’t make a lot of sense. At 65 years of age (as at any age really), the priority needs to be
how to make the time that remains as special as it can be.

When I think about what I have learned and taken to heart, it’s not just from my life
experiences. Much of it comes from the wisdom of people I have known. A friend will casually
say something about a life lesson or her approach to a given situation and the wisdom of it will
snap into my consciousness with a certitude that I cannot deny. I will realize I have always
known that what was said makes complete sense, even if I haven’t necessarily followed it in my
own life. Other times I will think this is the way I want to live my life going forward. And yet,
other times, even though I fully agree with what was said, my own unique resistances make me
realize that incorporating it into my own life is going to be an ongoing challenge. But even the
awareness has made my life better, even when I haven’t always followed it fully.

As part of my search for how to approach the art of living, I have always collected quotes from
famous people. For years I kept them on 3x5 cards. But in recent years, I am writing them into
an exquisite handmade encaustic book that I keep on the top of my desk. I open the book
randomly to see what quote comes up. In my cynical moments, I sometimes think the quote
that most applies to my life is a line from an old Simon and Garfunkel song: We note our place
with bookmarkers that measure what we've lost. But at this age I am not quite so cynical
anymore and I realize that even when I have lost, I have gained from the awareness of that
loss. I find myself at this point looking forward to what can be rather than what was, and I find
that experience particularly agreeable to have at this stage of my life.

I think that capturing at any age what we ourselves know to be true makes sense. And by
sharing what we know, others may take a kernel of our truth on their own journeys. Here are
ten things that I know in the deepest part of me to be true.

1. Relationships sink to the lowest common denominator. A good friend told me years
ago that her therapist made that observation. Since then I have tried to raise the
common denominator in all my interactions (however, not always successfully!) and it
has made a tremendous difference. When someone blows up or acts childish and I right
away want to respond just as immaturely or inappropriately, I repeat silently to myself
“relationships sink….” and make a conscious effort to respond in a way that raises the
common denominator in that interaction and the situation does improve. When I see
myself not elevating an encounter, I try to remember that mantra. When I do, I often
can stop myself from getting into an emotional trench where the encounter just
degrades unnecessarily.

2. The past is past. We cannot let our pasts define us since it will limit our present and
our future. Accept that it occurred but do not hold it as an omnipresent filter in how we live and
perceive the potential of our lives. To carry the burden of what our past was is to continue to
carry a heavy suitcase all through the house after we return from a long trip. I met a delightful
man at a dinner party and within the first five minutes of conversation, he mentioned that his
father had been abusive to him as a child. I felt sad, on a lovely evening with interesting people,
to realize that childhood experience still had so much power over the man’s life. The past got us
to where we are today but it needs to be put in an emotional closet for access only now and
then. We know it’s still there, no doubt about that, but we should not give it extensive space in
our hearts and minds. If parts of our past were exceedingly painful and we keep the cognizance
of that always front and center, we are still experiencing the pain. It is eminently preferable to
release the pain, acknowledge that it occurred but do not let it have undue influence over our
todays and tomorrows

3. Don’t Take Other People’s Inventory. Years ago I was at a Thanksgiving dinner and
suddenly felt very ill and went to the restroom and promptly threw up. I came out rather
queasily to be met by the host’s brother who had been in Alcoholics Anonymous for years. He
pulled me into the kitchen and started to tell me what would help me, what his dad used to
have him do when he drank too much and he said he knew exactly what I was going through
with my own drinking problem. I was really quite shaky from a flu-like situation and couldn’t
understand why he thought I was drunk since I only had half a glass of wine. Confused and still
feeling unwell, I just got away from him as soon as I could. I later described this event to
another friend who also diligently attended AA meetings. I was righteously indignant for being
judged as being drunk when I wasn’t. But really I didn’t like being judged at all. My friend told
me that Alcoholics Anonymous refers to what the guy did as “taking other people’s
inventory.” He said that one of the key lessons in AA is to just focus on yourself and what you
need to do in your own life and not worry about other people’s lives. That guy at the
Thanksgiving dinner just presumed I had a drinking problem since that was such a big part of his
life experience. What I took away from that encounter and the subsequent discussion with my
friend is that we should not judge people. Period. Stop worrying about what they are doing,
being, wearing, espousing or whatever. Just don’t put our energy into what’s wrong with them
or that with which we disapprove of or disagree with. Just focus on how we can be better
ourselves and make our lives what we want them to be.

4. Vigilantly listen to self-talk. We are the only ones inside our own heads and we need to
realize that how we look at things has a major effect on how our lives play out. Castigating
ourselves for what we are/aren’t or did/didn’t do accomplishes little else than to make us feel
worse. Given that we can choose how we talk to ourselves, why don’t we talk to ourselves as
non-judgmentally as we do in professional situations or with strangers? If we preface our self-
talk with the question “Is this thought or judgment being kind to myself?”, it can stop a lot of
self-criticism. Last year I attended a mosaic-making class with women who were more
artistically talented than I am. Acutely aware of that, I was not enjoying the process at first,
since I kept telling myself my mosaic would be the least attractive one and I would be
embarrassed when the others saw it. But as time progressed, I found myself getting lost in
designing my mosaic mirror and forgot about my presumed incompetence. I stopped the self-
talk and just worked on the mosaic, which turned out quite lovely and hangs in my bathroom
today. We limit our potential so much with our critical self-judgments; compassion for
ourselves could do so much more for us.
5. Have a connection with one or more animals. People who haven’t had a special
relationship with an animal are missing an essential part of what is good about the human
experience, the ability to have a unique interaction with another species. When I was a
teenager, I was in complete despair about something (whether a boy or not I honestly don’t
remember) and I sat down in a chair and started crying with the complete hopelessness of
adolescence. My brother’s Irish Setter heard me crying and came up to me and looked directly
in my eyes. I couldn’t tell him what was bothering me and he couldn’t dismiss it and tell me it
wasn’t that big a deal or give me any unsolicited advice. All he could do is be with me. He
gently lifted his front paws onto my lap and then slowly lifted them up to put one on each
shoulder. He then nuzzled his head against my neck silently but with deep intensity. There is
nothing that could have helped me more in that moment than that dog’s affection.

6. Things don’t have to remain as they are. We can make changes in our lives that do
make a difference. We should never just accept “that’s the way things are.” We often think
that things can’t change and understandably we can’t change everything in our lives, but even
subtle changes can vastly improve our lives. Years ago a friend was in Freudian psychoanalysis
and it was costing him a lot financially out of his limited resources to attend sessions three times
a week. I asked him, what can you expect to get out of this? And he said the psychoanalyst told
him the most that the majority of people can expect to change is a few degrees. I thought – a
few degrees?!? For that he’s going broke? But then with more experience and the passage of
time, I realized that we don’t do 180 degree changes. A painfully shy introvert does not become
a gregarious extrovert. But I learned that when I would tilt my own attitude or approach a few
degrees, it does make a difference.

7. Be sure to do something that reflects your unique self. We all have something special
to bring into the world, even if it’s only a flower drawn in colored chalk on a suburban sidewalk
before the rain washes it away. Get your self-expression out in the world and do not judge it,
whether it’s just dancing solo in your kitchen, taking photos of flowers or writing poems that
you share with no one. Just give it space in your life and hold it close. Sometimes life doesn’t
allow us to live our big dreams, but we need to give that part of us expression nonetheless. I
know a woman who went to art school and wanted nothing more than to be an oil painter. But
circumstances didn’t allow that in her life. I asked her how she filled that desire now, several
decades after the loss of her dream. And she smiled at me and told me about how she loves to
cook – making dishes that are uniquely hers, ensuring a wonderful presentation and giving joy to
those for whom she is cooking. Despite having a busy job, she cooks something special for her
husband and son nightly and it gives her and her family pleasure.

8. Recognize that momentary emotional connections can be powerful. Sometimes a brief

but profound encounter can have more of an impact on us than a relationship of long
duration. Accept the magic of those special moments and keep them in your heart. Sometimes
it is in those brief interactions that we are seen as who we truly are and can feel the power of
real human connection. A friend once told me that a complete relationship from beginning to
end can occur in a ten minute encounter. I sometimes wonder if it’s because there isn’t enough
time to put up our well-honed filters and biases, thus our essence can be seen and a brief but
intense connection made. I was doing my laundry in a San Francisco laundromat years ago on a
rainy Friday night. There was only one other person there also doing laundry that evening, a
woman about ten years younger than me. She said something casual to me about something
inconsequential, but as her clothes dried and mine washed, we ended up talking at a very deep
and honest level about our lives. I felt that she truly knew me. It didn’t seem right to ask her as
she filled her basket with folded clothes and started to leave to please stay in touch. After all, it
was merely a conversation in a laundromat. But I felt better for the conversation somehow. I
used to be sad that these moments don’t last any more than Camelot did. It’s such a wonderful
feeling to have an unexpected powerful but brief connection. But then I realized how fortunate
I am to have such moments in my life and can only look for opportunities to have more.

9. Support everyone in doing what gives their lives meaning. When I was a young child,
my grandmother crocheted an afghan and she was very proud of it. She wasn’t one for
homemaker skills and wanted to proudly show us that she had actually made an afghan. One of
my cousins pointed out to my grandmother a flaw in her handiwork, a dropped stitch in the
afghan, and I observed my grandmother’s confidence and joy immediately diminish. Children’s
art work is often proudly put up on refrigerators, but we don’t tend to support adults to the
same degree or with equal enthusiasm. Encouragement can make all the difference. Very few
of us have the courage to take risk without the support of others. But even one other person’s
belief that we have something to offer can give us that push we need to achieve our dreams.

10. Play It Forward. Recognize that so many people have done things for all of us that went
beyond the expected and find a way to do the same in other people’s lives. In a self-pitying
mood, I can easily list in detail the many ways people have disappointed me. That’s never
hard. But to be honest, I need to acknowledge all the wonderful things people have done for
me, from strangers to those closest to my heart. I remember a woman blocks from my
childhood home slowly taking all the cinders out of my bleeding leg after I fell off my bike in
front of her house. Or the stranger in the pouring rain spending a half an hour trying to help us
get our car out of the mud. Or a friend from Chicago FedExing me homemade chocolate cookies
for no reason at all. These are moments that make life good. Sometimes we don’t fully absorb
the wonder of these events. By making a conscious effort to do unexpected beneficial things for
others, we can also start to acknowledge what has been done for us. It can put many of life’s
disappointments into perspective and bring more goodness into the world.