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biki,-,i
Expose your body to our tropic sun
and coat it with a golden glow. girl!
And to pink beaches, pink fish, pink
coral reefs and pink flamingoes.
B l KIN I G I RL MAGAZ I NE is copyright 1979 L isa Baumgardner . Published from 256 East Tenth Street
Suite 4B New York, New Yor k 10009. Price: $2.00 postpaid in United States, Ca nada and Mexico. For-
eign orders please add $1.00 additional mailing cha rge. A ll contribut ions w ill be held by the editors un ess
0
means for their return (SASE) is provided. Advertising rates available upon request. Issue 1-0ut of -
Issues 2 and 3 sti ll available at $2.50 each, until further notice. In Limited Edition . Checks or money
ders payab le to Lisa Baumgardner.
THE FURORS, Derek Holcomb (who wears glasses) and Tom Dans (who doesn't), are a highly controversial
r'n'r duo from Long Island, New York, currently residing in scenic New England. During legendary perform-
ances in Manhattan, girls have been known to toss their hosiery onstage! Their youngest fans have founded
a FURORS Fan Club in Hawaii. These kids claim to like Andy Gibb, and they write: "We listen to our old-
er sister's early Beatles records, cuz they remind us of you."
Tom Dans, whose drum set is IDENTICAL to You-Know-Whose, is definitely in charge of the Humor Dept.
Derek, on the other hand, is serious and analytical.
Phlegm is the theme of today. All housitoids
here at twenty three have lung diseases. Gook in
vasions, geek in filtrations. Life goes on, though,
(Not on the carpet! Not on the sofa! Jesus Christ!)
so bring that up one more time and we will talk
it over. Been finally feeling depressed. Up until
last week I was uncontainably, uncontrollably and
utterly obnoxiously euphoric at all times. Prob-
ably just knead a shot in the arm of more nincom-
,i;ipop juice to time me over till the Ides of March.
(When my "Oyster Break" begins and they send
· us hom '? ·t , , yr p;;irents to eat leafy green vegatables
and experiment with some of the more esoteric
techniques of celibacy.) Have oodles of work to
do, undies to worsh , rent to pay. Goink back to
DeeCee again this weekend, to see Sharer mostly
and engage in amazon talk . Also to see twbof my
Dear Deena, current three paramoorz. The other one, mentally
We are an organi zation known as "Feet First." incompetent and a Pisces who lives in a time warp
It is a group interested in beautiful female feet. has split for Texas with his best friend whose wife
We publish a bi-monthly newsletter containing he is secretly madly in love with. He and I should
items of interest to foot lovers, including a short get married when _we are seventy two. · One o f the
classified section. other two, a Scorpio who I really only relate to
Our dues are $8.00 per year and covers the cost with the lower half of my bod, I dread to see. He
of the newsletter. We have an open communi- is an alcoholic and walks like a duck . And my par-
cation line with o ur members and answer any ents know that I have been fucking him so they
questions sent in to us on the subject of feet. think I am planning to marry him someday soon .
If there are any specific questions you have, (In accordance with that theory, may I invite you to
drop me a line and/or your phone number and my seventeen upcoming wedding ceremonies?) He
I will get back to you. is a very nice giving person and does all the talking
-Name Withheld and bores me except when we are drinking or screw-
P.S.-l'm curious as to your publication-BIKINI ing. The other affair just got officially started last
MAGAZINE- please send me some details. Are weekend, although it's been brewi'ng since my fresh-
you into feet yourself? We offer techniques of man year. One of John's (old freshman, torrid hor-
foot massage, foot tickling, etc. rid romance, fight with Sharon lives in infamy) old
Dear Deena , friends. Been around for a while, came up to visit
Got y o ur ish if BIKINI GIRL Lovely . Check John . Slept with me, but no calesthenics. Very
enclosed as a gesture of proper revenge. Happy quiet Italian, built like your made to order brick
Val entines Day , these shoes which I have been shithouse. I suspect he may be extremely inexper-
meaning to send you for ages have hopefully ar- ienced and don't know if I really should corrupt
rived. May they kiss your feet each night. Some- an older man, but then I'm such a jaded old wad
where I have another pair , same style, mad e of that something fresh might just tickle my pink.
gold m esh , suspiciously ovenproof looking. When Actually, it's rather a responsibility, but Virgos
I find them, they will follow. are so responsible. Anyhow, all this shebanginq
has gotten me confused, hopefully I can resort to end of the string . Another image for you: sexual
some introspective mysticism qua psychology and advice columnist advising sixteen year old girls
knock it about with the dear Abby of the frozen to practice their blow-job techniques on .old tlan
north .. .get Deb to lay down some Tarot with me. roll-on . bottles. Sort ofa carnal Hints from 1-lel-
Have found this excellent way to sort out my life oise. What if any was your relation to a band called
from inside my head . Somehow telling somebody "The Cramps"? They've been playing around DC.
about my love life is like telling you what I ate Also what if any is your opinion of the Urban Verbs ·!
last week. (Which sometimes may be eggzactly Lotsa New Wave I think around DC. These days I'm
the case .. . ) It's all the gratification of needs. (And really out of it b.ut Sharon has been participating in
then I took this tremendous shit last Tuesday . ) My the scene. t''ll be living at home oh hemmoroids
friend Tammy was telling me that men are like this summer and working most likely as one of those
puppies with lead helmets on, and to them women who also serve but only stand and wait. So much for
are like big fat Cadillacs, cruising down the street, now. Burblings of a ratchet head. And as Joni Mitch-
attractive, desireable and unneccessary. So the puppies ell says: "I got a sink full of laundry and a mighty
run and stick their heads under the wheels, thump! bone to pick."
Bump! Cadillac stops, "Oh, puor thing, are you Love,
okay?" Sure he's okay, he's got a lead helmet on. P.
Been doing some luvely art. A very slick collage Dear Mr. Schwartzbaum,
of striped multi-colored photos and flesh, lemurs, Welcome as a new friend to this ministry.
radiology scans of skulls and ladies slipper orchids. I want you to know that this ministry is sup-
Combining obscure and absurdly unrelated images ported by some very old and dear friends.
in such a compasitionally coherent fashion that the ' However, all these old tri.ends w.ere, at one
perceiver is giving the impression that it all must time, new friends just like you. ~
mean something, cuz it's there. Also sang a little This ministry encompasses the free world.
song to work by : (To the tune of the Oscar Meyer We are presently operating in 30 countries ...
Weiner song .. . ) preaching the Gospel. training seminary stu-
Oh, I like to lick an awful lot of lemurs, dents, educating students in Christian educa-
An awful lot of lemurs like to leave. tion, feeding the hungry, fighting communism
For when I lick an awful lot of lemurs, with the Weapon of Truth, taking care of or-
All those well-licked lemurs start to sneeze. •phans, finding homes for orphan babies, car-
So when you lick a lot of lemurs, ing for lepers, ministering to the sick , publish-
It is best to lick them in a place without a breeze. ing the truth, broadcasting and telecasting it
Cheryl earned down to stock up on oreos and coffee in the United States, etc.
to study for her many and various sociology exams How do new friends become old friends?
under the influence of ... She is utterly disgusted First. I am going to keep you informed by
with me cuz I am sitting here with all the nerve sending you our informative and well thought
sniggering over mah machine while she suffers so. of CHRISTIAN CRUSADE WEEKLY for a
Also cuz she thinks I fucked that guy Vince, who period. Second, when you read of a booklet
she has had a crunch on for ages. Well I haven't or a publication in our CHRISTIAN CRUSADE
yet. We're all on the rag here. (Not the same rag WEEKLY, or hear it advertised on our telecasts
mind you.) And passions of women ebb and flow or broadcasts, I want you to write for it so you
with the moon y'know. Attractive imagery : I can become better aquainted with our mission
went and brought Debbie-Doo one of those O.B. and our message. Third, I want you to pray for
pontoons with a little red jingle bell tied to the this ministry. Our Lord Jesus Christ taught
us in Matthew 18 :19 : "Again I say to you, That
if two of you agree on ea rth as touching any- HONOLULU: "It's very painful for a guy to be
thing that they sha11 ask , It shall be done of 1n this condition and not get relief. You got me all
them by My Father which is in heaven." heated up; now if you're any kind of a woman you'll
How does a new fr iend become an o ld friend? take care of me."
By reading our message, by tel ling others of our MARSHALLTOWN, IOWA: "It will be good for
work, by praying for us and by supporting us. your complexion. You should have seen my face be-
Whatever support you can give to this ministry fore I did it. Honest, it's better than any medicine."
wi ll be appreciated. Remember what Jesus • FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.: "Life is so uncer-
taught in L uke 6:38: "G ive, and it sha ll be
tain. Who knows whether you'll be alive tomorrow?
gi ven unto you . good meas ure, p ressed down, and
shaken together , and running over sha ll men
It would be awful if you died in an accident or
give into your bosom. For with the same mea- something without experiencing the greatest thrill
sure that ye mete witha l it sha ll be measured of all."
to you again ." . MEXICO CITY: "You're awful uptight. Sex is a
Yours in Christ , great tension-breaker. It will make you feel re-
Bi lly James Hargis laxed."
GATINEAU, QUEBEC: "I want to marry you
some day. Now we have ~ fmd out if we are sex-
IDEAS IN ART ually compatible."
AN EXERCISE IN BEING SPEC I FIC ROCHESTER, N.Y.: "fve heard rumors that
3/6/78 you're 'lezzie.' If you aren't, prove it."
What do you mean when you say
you ' re ge tting on wi th your work NASSAU, BAHAMAS: "I promise we won't go
( or s ome t h i ng along thos e li nes) ? all the way unless you want to. We'll stop whenever
Be specif ic! you say."
HARRISBURG, PA.: "You have nothing to
worry about. rm sterile."
BIKINI GIRL was thoroughly delighted
to attend the recent reading given by
Uncle Bill himself at Manhattan's Club
Mudd. The program opened with a
poetry reading by someone whose name
we can't remember . The young aud-
ience really liked his poems, but
we didn't. They were embarrassing.
Among the crowd lurked such phantoms
as Allen Ginsberg and Ray Ann Real.
William S. looked great. Tastefully
and comfortably dressed in a grey
suit, he read an essay on nuclear
power plant accidents, and chap-
ters from NOVA EXPRESS and THE NAKED
LUNCH, among others, in a charming,
wise voice, unmistakably spiced with
that famous underlying sage sarcasm.
Hearing his reading of these works
added a fascinating new dimension to
them, and we only regret that we w~ iuok "•l
•t
forgot to bring a ·tape recorder. tN - ~ .U n , f t an ffUOW ·pHM'IJftft Oii \k ~ pla a.t and tt..-.11
•nMtl1 tl1• • m• tJ,.,-, ".Mt matt~n it &lOJt« dkh road ftC"h indiddu•l
ead~U01'• w 800 t'1~ v.hiin•tt- triJth? Tbt riddlit" of exi6tt'rH"f' i .. h .. 1
pnt tlsa t tM..e alwtuki bt • ly _, q:~~i'lt~•a~~~~.&CBl' lit.
Joe Bidewell lives in Chelsea • He plays with John Cale and heads his own "Birdband ," which
features Ernie Brooks of the Modern Lovers on bass. He performs one of his songs , "The Girl Next Door,"
in the soon-to-be-released major mot ion picture, "Squeeze Pl ay." Joe has blonde hair.
UNTITLED CHAPI'ER
by Peter Fabrega
~~~=-++-~APPY HOLIDAYSlf
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tight! The zig-zag dividing line is a
zipper!