The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper

issue 1049 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 6 FEBRUARY 2003 free

DON’T

ignites for UniS

FORGET!!
GU2 are broad-
casting on
107.3fm until

entrepreneurs
18.02. Why
not have a look
at the schedule
and see what
you fancy? |
page 19
FUSE, OR FEDERAL University of Surrey BY ANDY BLAIR
ALL ABOUT THE Entrepreneurs, launches this coming week MARKETING & STUDENT
GOLDEN SCREEN and is the first joint amenity for students SERVICES MGR. USSU
Another two pages run under federal banner. Led by The
of film for you as University of Surrey Students’ Union and
UniSdirect (at Surrey) and Roehampton University. Irrespective
barearts takes a
Students’ Union and Roehampton Direct (at of what your interest is in
look at Catch Me If Roehampton), it heralds a new avenue for becoming an entrepreneur
You Can and About students to access the best the federation has – if you have an interest,
Schmidt (right) with to offer in supporting students who have an chances are that FUSE
Jack Nicholson | entrepreneurial streak. will be able to provide
pages 11 & 12 The idea behind the amenity is for FUSE to avenues through which to
act as a conduit through which students can move your ideas towards
access training, information and experienced reality.
IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER advice on all aspects of setting themselves During the course
up as entrepreneurs. of the academic year,
The accommodation issue Whether a student is interested in the FUSE aims to provide Above: Colin Howard, the Dean of Students, finds himself locked in the
specifics of becoming a sole trader, buying information about activities centre in order to raise money for RAG. See the article below.
Ths situation as it stands for returning final
a company off the shelf, writing business entrepreneurship through
years and off-campus accommodation next
plans or finding investment capital to get the student media,
semester News | pages 2
an idea off the ground – FUSE brings individual information packs that will followed by three more special sessions run
Letters to the editor together students and staff across the become available across the campuses and by Scott Farmer (DAVE) and Professor David
Reaction to the first two week’s editions: federation during the course of the academic through its developing website. Kirby (UniSdirect). These take place on the
someone wasn’t very happy with the spoof year to open doors into the world of ‘the Social events will also be organised Tuesday 4th March, Tuesday 11th March
headline about Saddam | page 4 entrepreneur’. during the course of the year for student and Tuesday 25th March.
Federal University of Surrey Entrepreneurs entrepreneurs to meet with people from In order to express your interest, you need to
Careers for everyone is open to anyone from any background on the local business community and also to visit the website www.federalsurrey.ac.uk/
Dr Russ responds to an article concerning any academic course across the Federal attend seminars run by individuals that fuse (available from Wednesday 12th Feb)
the lack of materials available for arts and have successfully become entrepreneurs and sign up to the mailing list for more
music students Opinion | page 8 themselves. information. Alternatively, students can sign
Along with the social events, seminars up to the FUSE sessions in conjunction with
barearts in diversity shocker and information resources that will be the id | DAVE programme in sessions folder
An interview with The D4. Also, standy-by made available, FUSE will also be offering at the Students’ Union reception or pick up
tickets for the Lion King musical in London specially written one off training sessions an info leaflet. For an informal chat, or to
and theatre previews barearts | page 17 through the ID Programme (see middle become directly involved with FUSE, pop
pages). The first FUSE Taster Session will into the Students’ Union and see Andy Blair
The art of ironed boxer-shorts run on Tuesday 18th February and will be for a chat.
Xan Phillips says that having ironed boxer-
shorts is much more than comfortable sit-

£596 raised by RAG auction

ting arrangments Lifestyle | page 22

Women’s football still winning

Two match reports from the women’s foot-
ball team as they find they don’t know what BY RICHARD WATTS
the word “lose” means Sport | page 24
THE RAG HUMAN auction held in Chancel-
lor’s on Tuesday raised a whopping £596 for
charity, making it one of the most successful
human auctions in recent history. Twenty
slaves were sold off in total as a packed bar
relished the prospect of having humans to
do virtually anything for them in the name
of charity.
The biggest bid of the night was by a cou-
ple of young gentlemen for the purchase of
three young ladies, notching £70 in one foul
swoop. These same men also ‘bought’ two
other young girls later on in the evening and
said they planned to “have them dress in
French maids outfits and serve them drinks
all night in the Union.” With the Chancel-
lor’s Challenge RAG special and the Victo-
rian RAG raid to some later this week, it is
looking increasingly likely that this year’s
RAG could set a new precedent for fund-
raising and re-establish RAG as a special
part of the year for students and staff alike.
A big thank you to all of those who put
themselves up for auction, to those who bid-
ded and especially to the RAG committee of
Cathy, Sam, Alli and Charlotte.
2 NEWS
UniS applications up 15.9%
THE UNIVERSITY OF Surrey have announced
that Undergraduate applications for
admission in September 2003 are up by
15.9%. The national increase in University
applications this year is 4.9%. The most
noticeable increases have been in subject
areas such as Law, Business Management,
Psychology with Sociology, Electronic
Engineering, Music, Child Nursing and
Chemistry.
This seems to indicate a degree of success
for the government’s widening participation
scheme, and is a continuation of the trend
for more and more school leavers to apply
to University. Living in an age where
education now costs a significant amount of
money, the increasing popularity of the
BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH
EDITOR
University of Surrey could be attributed
to the University’s currently graduate
employment record. Statistics show that
a mere 0.9% or Surrey graduates are
unemployed six months after graduation, as
opposed to the national average of 5.3%.
In common with other Universities around
the country, Surrey is also experiencing
a significant increase in applications for
taught Postgraduate programmes. Whether
these increases will translate into more
places being offered on both Undergraduate
and Postgraduate courses at Surrey remains
to be seen.
Accommodation talks as
students mount up
BY RICHARD WATTS
THE ACCOMMODATION OFFICE are gearing up
for what promises to be another difficult
year trying to find rooms both on and off
campus for students requiring them next
academic year. Even with the prospect
of over 200 extra rooms for postgraduate
students in the temporarily named “Bank”
residences by UniSport, only 250 current
placement students are guaranteed a place
on campus next year.
Speaking last week to President of the
Students’ Union, Paul Wright, and the
Welfare Officer, Toni Borneo, the head of
accommodation, Richard Paxton, clarified
the current procedure for placing students
who are on placement. The 250 guaranteed
places will go to those whose work address
postcodes are the furthest away from
Guildford. For any students who are not on
this original list of 250, there will be a ballot
in which the first 100 people chosen will
also be given rooms. Due to the expected
demand, however, there is only a small
possibility that a student will find a room
in this manner. Any students who do not
receive a room following the ballot will then
be placed on to a waiting list.
Toni Borneo has been invited by the
accommodation office to the ballot to
ensure that everything is done fairly. Her
advice, though, is to try to and find other
arrangements because “there just aren’t
enough rooms.” Commenting on hardship
cases, Ms Borneo said: “If you are on the
waiting list and you are desperate for a
campus room for hardship reasons - and you
University housing board
http://www.mis.surrey.ac.uk/misweb/accomm/home.htm
Don’t be afraid of USSU student survey
the big bad wolf hopes to gauge public
IF YOU SEE any large dogs walking around
campus, do not be alarmed. Police dogs and
their handlers from the local constabulary
will be carrying out training exercises in and
around campus to help train sniffer-dogs in
their duties. The training will take place at
various times throughout the day and will
take place for an unknown period of time.
If one of the dogs does come and sit by you,
please do not be alarmed - the trainers will
not be performing any arrests since it will
simply be a training exercise.
6 February 2003
can back that up - we might be able to speed
up your chance of a room.” This can only
happen in certain circumstances, though.
In order to help with the numerous
difficulties students face trying to
find off-campus accommodation, the
accommodation office will be releasing a
list of available housing on Monday, 3rd
March. A special free newspaper will be
made available from all Court Receptions
and the accommodation office containing
information for students about how to find
and secure a place to live, along with the
current lists of houses and rooms, including
University Managed houses. After 3rd
March, the most up to date houses and
rooms will be found on the campus web
site, which is only accessible from terminals
inside the University and from the bulletin
board on the Union’s website. Lists will also
be available to view on the accommodation
office notice boards.
For students who have not rented private-
sector housing before, the accommodation
office will be providing introductory
talks about off-campus houses. These are
scheduled to take place on Wednesday 19th
February 2003 at 1pm in Lecture Theatre
G and Thursday 27th February 2003 at
6.00pm in Lecture Theatre G. They also
advise students to spend time asking friends
who already live off-campus about securing
places to live and recommend deciding on
a group of friends before approaching the
landlord.
Toni Borneo: welfare@ussu.co.uk
www.ussu.co.uk
opinion
BY CLAIRE ILES
OVER THE NEXT fortnight, market research
will be carried out across campus, covering
various aspects of the services provided
and university life. It will include Bars
& Catering, Students’ Union services,
University events and the facilities available
in the halls of residence. Not only will
the results be analysed and the appropriate
changes implemented across the University
to meet the students’ needs, but 10 lucky
respondents will also be selected at random
and will receive free tickets to a Sparkle
event at the Students’ Union on Monday
nights.
Members of the marketing team, Claire
Iles and Kay Merritt, will be collecting
data from 400 students and would therefore
greatly appreciate 5 minutes of your time to
complete this worthwhile questionnaire.
6 February 2003 OPINION 3

What do we actually get for the cost of an education?

Perhaps university lecturers prefer a glass of cheap wine and research to the hassle they get from students

SO MUCH OF the focus on the topic of
tuition fees and the suchlike recently has
concentrated on the costs of education. We
keep hearing about access and how fees will
discourage people from even applying to
university and the perils of creating an elitist
higher education system if institutions are
allowed to charge what they want for their
courses. These are fair concerns, of course,
and ones that have been discussed at great
length in the national press and education
supplements, so much so that I doubt many
people, by the time the White Paper was
actually released, were moved to find out
what it actually said.
Though the focus on the amount students
will pay and when they will pay it is a worthy
subject, it seems that not many people have
asked the question about what students
will actually get for their money. What do
prospective debts of up to £21k actually buy
students? For those students who are hoping
to attend top-class institutions that might be
possibly be charging a premium, here are
some observations.
First of all, the warm greetings and friendly
smiles they will be greeted by on a UCAS
open day will often belong to professional
recruiters - on such days, and academics are left to the finishing touches to their latest paper.
the staff are very much an concentrate solely on their Instead of these brilliant minds lecturing,
exception. The only time you current research projects. therefore, students are often left with final
are likely to see an academic “Isn’t university great year PhD students, most of which have no
is if there is free food and without any students?” teacher training and receive a pittance for
drink available. you can almost hear them their efforts.
Second of all - and perhaps cry, until they remember It is a fairly dire situation and one that I
most pertinent to us here at that they have tens of am happy to admit has been exaggerated
Surrey given recent statistics RICHARD WATTS money-generating Masters somewhat here - but as a warning shot,
- is the idea of research and, and Phd students to come it serves notice on the demands faced
more importantly, research knocking on their door as by today’s higher education institutions.
“The only time you are
income. In most of the they inconveniently wish If UniS continues to position itself as
likely to see an academic
top institutes, survival is to finish their 15,000 word a research-led, postgraduate focused
is if there is freed food and
dependent on how many dissertations. It won’t be university, it must remember not to neglect
drink available.”
grants can be reaped by long until they start e-mailing its diminishing undergraduate population
research and the work carried whilst their supervisor is in for the sake of a research dollar. As
out, so for many academics, students are the Tuscany. important, though, are the pressures placed
last thing on their remarkably intelligent An interesting situation that arises out of on staff to prove themselves and succeed in
minds. Reflecting this, promotions within this wish to generate research-based income the research stakes; if Surrey can provide
departments and staff progress are often is the employment of top-class academics, a supportive environment in which teaching
based solely on research output. Students, often world-leaders in their field. Though isn’t frowned upon as a waste of valuable
therefore, are paradoxically present to departments can often recruit using the research time, then perhaps Surrey, through
provide money for research and not to strength and reputation of their academic enthusiastic and focused staff, can succeed
hinder its progress. How many heads of staff, it is not often students can benefit from post-White Paper and strike the balance
department thus see students as £ signs and their expertise in lectures or pop by their between vitally important research and
statistics, I wonder? office to ask a question. More often than teaching excellence.
We then come to the relief at the end of not they are on sabbatical or at a conference
a semester as students finally go home somewhere, otherwise they are putting watts_so_hot@hotmail.com

Persecuted minority, international terrorist or economic migrant?

WHEN DISCUSSING THE topic most of the problems. The
of asylum, it’s very difficult Governments decision
to not end up sounding like to disperse applicants to
either a limp wristed liberal different parts of the country
or a hard-nosed fascist. This certainly eased some of the
goes some way to reflect just problems in Kent an London,
how polarised your garden but the distribution has
variety Briton is on the topic been concentrated on towns
of Asylum seekers. and cities in the Midlands,
Indeed, not since Ann PAUL CANNING the north of England and
Widdecombe was shadow Glasgow. What does your
home secretary has the “It seems that the sheer average deep fried mars bar
debate over Asylum number of people involved loving Glaswegian have
seekers, illegal immigrants here is causing most of the in common with a North
and economic migrants problems.” Iqaqi Kurd who speaks little
been so active. Since the English?
last general election, the Well, very little, and this is of
new Tory leader decided that one of the main course the main problem: fear and ignorance
reasons for the conservatives being branded on both sides. The newspapers reports on
as racists was that they ‘kept banging on the crimes committed by a troublesome
about asylum seekers’. With the Tories now few, and make a big play on the fact that the
much quieter, and Labour happy to say very flat in Wood Green that was being used as a
little since their record in this area is hardly Ricin factory was occupied by two people for the way that asylum seekers are treated
flattering, the media coverage dropped seeking asylum, but it seems to be only the and supported would go a long way to
away. Recent terror alerts and the discovery bad stories you ever see. “CZECH FAMILY
that some people claiming asylum appear HOLD BARNSTORMING BBQ FOR
changing this, and it seems astonishing that
no such framework is in place.
in
to have been plotting an attack on the UK, NEIGHBOURS” is not a headline you are The vast majority of people arriving on
and the election of a 5th BNP councillor in likely to ever read in the Daily Mail. these shores claiming asylum are genuinely
the North of England has put the topic very It is also important to consider why many fleeing persecution from their homeland,
much back in the news people seeking asylum travel all the way but equally there are significant numbers
The number of people claiming asylum from their homeland the borders of the
in the UK last year was over 70,000 for European union, then continue to travel
who travel for financial reasons, so called
economic migrants, and fewer still are here
FLIPPIN’
the third year in a row. This of course does across many thousands more miles, in
not include anyone who slips into the UK perfectly safe countries like Austria, France
for more sinister reasons connected with
terrorism. Fairly sharing the burden with MARVELLOUS
without officially applying for asylum and and Spain, to then try and cling to the bottom our European neighbours would go a great
compares to a little over 4000 applications of a Euro Star in the hope of making it to way to easing tensions and concerns in this
just twenty years ago. Britain. Regardless of whether or not it is country, and if we had an identity card like
Truly, it seems to be the sheer number true, Britain is perceived to be a soft touch. A many of our EU counterparts, this would an update on 107.3 FM GU2
of people involved here that is causing common policy across the European union make this easier still.
4 OPINION 6 February 2003

THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION

UNION HOUSE
UNIVERSITY OF SURREY
GUILDFORD GU2 7XH
WWW.USSU.CO.UK

A fantastic performance from all

involved with this year’s RAG
[the stop the war demo | 12pm | saturday 15th february | embankment station (near waterloo) | london]

The news that the annual RAG human auc-
tion has raised over £590 is fantastic and
testament to the work that many people have
been putting in over the last few weeks. It
is also testament to the generous spirit ex-
hibited by all of the students and staff - both
as slaves and as bidders - who have surren-
dered their time and money in order to chip
in to the cause.
The event at Chancellor’s on Tuesday
evening was, in every possible way, a re-
sounding success. The bar was packed, the
atmosphere was excited, the slaves were
looking a bit nervous as they realised what
they’d let themselves in for and the punters,
as shown by their frivolity with the money,
were more than ready to seize the opportu-
nity to buy themselves “an attendant.”
RAG has dwindled somewhat over the
last few years and has always struggled to
capture the days of yesteryear when it was a
much bigger, much more outrageous specta- LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
cle (the footprints on the side of the Surrey Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters
Court building are proof of that). may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: barefacts@ussu.co.uk
This year, however, thanks to the dedica-
tion of a selected group of people - build-
ing on the work of those before them, both
“Politics and cricket” article in “very bad taste”
recently and historically - all that seems
Dear barefacts,
to have changed and we await the quiz on
Thursday and RAG raid in Guildford town
I think Philip Howard’s column on “politics and cricket” [barefacts, issue 1047] is in very
centre before a final total can be announced
bad taste. His view about using NATO attacks and economic sanctions to get rid of Mugabe
for 2003.
pretty much sums up the hypocritical nature of the author. On one side he say’s that thousands
Perhaps if the University are feeling gener-
of Zimbabweans are going to die in a few weeks due to starvation and on the other side the
ous they could donate some of their (numer-
[news] editor justifies the use of aggressive measures like sanctions and NATO attacks on
ous) coppers to the RAG fund. It would
Zimbabwean people. Either way the people of Zimbabwe suffer and these comments by the
serve as good publicity, after all...
[news] editor drives a wedge through the spirit of Africa.

You can show how you feel about a

Thank you,
A READER

war with Iraq A bad day doesn’t justify going at the cleaners
This paper has, as a general rule, left the due to take place in London on Saturday Dear barefacts, and are expected to have their work done
reporting of national and international news 15th February and to provide you with the within these hours. I know for a fact that
to newspaper’s that can do it infinitely bet- information, at least, to fulfil that stereotypi- Responding to the ‘concerned student of most houses are pretty dirty, especially on
ter and on a much less sporadic basis. Such cal activity of students that has dwindled so Stag Hill Court’, [letter of 23 January, issue Mondays when there has been no one there
mindful “avoidance” of issues has not es- since the activism of the 1960’s and 1970’s. 1047] for the whole weekend to clean up the dirt,
caped the attentions of our columnists, of This is not to say that barefacts endorses First of all, I think you have a serious except for the residents who obviously
course, but has served well to let us concen- demonstration for the sake of it, but is in- problem as you are obviously spending couldn’t bother less. These houses take
trate on issues we believe to be of concern to stead mindful of current issues and the inter- your time off watching the cleaners having a more time to clean and tidier houses less, it’s
our readership - that is to say students, and est that many students take in them. break. In previous years the cleaners had to pure math. My last point is: GET REAL!!
we have chosen our news coverage accord- If you would like to show how you feel clean the students’ rooms in addition to what My cleaning lady smokes, (I don’t), but I
ingly. about a war with Iraq, the demonstration they do today. I don’t think it had any impact have never, ever had the cigarette smoke
It is right and proper, however, that we will take place at 12pm on the stated day, on the rent when they were told not to do that linger in my bedroom or bathroom. I think
bring to your attention the demonstration starting from Embankment, near Waterloo. anymore. So even if the cleaners perform you just had a bad day when you wrote the
their task and use their time more effectively letter to Barafact and had to complain about
and efficiently, as you so eloquently put it, something. I’m having a bad day, that’s why
It’s your last chance for the elections I’m quite certain this wouldn’t contribute
to any reduction of your rent. Secondly, a
I’m replying to your letter………And you
know what? The cleaners actually enter your
person who works is actually entitled to house 5 days a week.....
We’ve been pushing it quite a lot in barefacts over the first few weeks of this semester,
have breaks……you probably haven’t had
but you can never say it enough times: if you would like to run the Students’ Union next Yours faithfully,
a job yet, so I thought I should mention
academic year, then get yourself along to the Union, pick up your nomination form and get STAG HILL RESIDENT
that. The cleaners have their working hours
yourself in the running. The sabbaticals are what makes the Students’ Union tick - they pro-
vide representation, support, advice and a vital link to the officials that run the University, so
it is vital they are the people you want to do the job. Thus, if you think you can do it, then RAG week news “the most pathetic excuse for a story”
there is nothing to stop you.
Don’t forget, though, that you can also run for a position as delegate to the NUS national Dear barefacts, time. The fate of humanity may be in the
conference - the annual three days in Blackpool at which policy is set for the national body hands of these two men. Certainly, millions
that represents students. For more details, see page 7 of this edition. Re: “Bush accuses Saddam of playing of lives would be at risk if war happens
If you think you can run the Students’ Union, or if you have a friend that you think could do games”; barefacts issue 1048 in Iraq. Therefore, this is not a matter for
the job, then make sure the people at the Union know about it. This article is the most pathetic excuse for ridicule, and should be reported on to reflect
a front page news story I have ever read. this; not with such ignorance and contempt
barefacts has a history of reporting important as is displayed in this shameful article.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

news stories in a serious and comprehensive
way. In my opinion, last week broke with Yours sincerely,
this tradition. I find it appalling how you can MICHAEL CHAMBERS
“Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity.” make a mockery of what is the most serious CHAIRMAN AND LEADER,
ALBERT CAMUS (1913 - 1960), AUTHOR threat to world peace and stability at this UNIS CONSERVATIVE SOCIETY
6 February 2003 OPINION 5

You know, I’m worried about Ben...

Ben Supper is struggling to come to terms with the dumbing
down of our everyday lives. He is accumulating evidence to
support his claim and he’s not sure why total strangers are asking
him: ‘are you ok?’ He shares his thoughts with us...
STRANGE THINGS HAVE been happening
recently. Everyone I know seems to
be whispering conspiratorially behind
my back. All my friends have stopped
phoning me, except an ex-girlfriend
who just wants to argue. A woman
standing over there keeps looking at me
strangely, and I don’t like what her body
language is saying. And yet, people
I don’t even know are so concerned
about my mental health that they’ve
started sticking up posters everywhere
asking me if I’m OK. And that’s got me
thinking.
Are you OK? Are you OK? These
posters have woken me up. I’ve
mulled the question over for days,
and the answer always comes out the
same. No, of course I’m not OK; but
thanks anyway. However, I also know
something else: that people who are not
OK are the dark matter of the universe.
They constitute an overwhelming
majority, yet you’ll never see them, or
hear them, or know about them.
I don’t think I’m stupid. I certainly
know what paranoia is, and that it
closely describes what you’re reading
now. But the pieces of this jigsaw are
slowly fitting together, and the picture
they form disturbs me more and more. I
know what’s happening around me, and
I know that I’m not mad.
You, me and everybody else in this
university are turning into characters
“You, me and everybody else
in this university are turning into
from a bad Australian teenage soap
opera.
Let’s consider the facts I know.
Everyone has started doing exercise.
Lots of it. I feel like I’m the only person
on campus without a gym pass. My
friends and colleagues are swimming,
cycling, running, climbing, and circuit
training all over the place. It’s happening
all round campus: people whom I once
knew are turning themselves into pert,
healthy clones of the individuals they
used to be, leaving me -- a lonely,
slightly flabby, and almost imperceptibly
balding postgraduate -- looking more
and more like Harold from Neighbours.
You want more evidence? There are
the recent and stupid misunderstandings
I’d rather not have had with my ex-
girlfriend. The stupider arguments I fell
into with three members of my band
today. These misunderstandings are
becoming more frequent. I conclude
that people are forsaking their erstwhile
human personalities in favour of a
banal, adolescent, easily scripted
alternative: ‘fly off the handle by the
seat of your pants.’ Those posters
asking oh-so-innocently ‘are you OK?’
are just manifestations of what we’re
becoming.
I’m sure almost everybody is already
familiar with this format. Cut to a
domestic scene. Gaudy furniture; bad
lighting. One character says to another,
‘You know, I’m
worried about Ben.’
Then there ensues
about ninety seconds
of inconsequential
dialogue delivered
distracting hand movements. If a more
heated crisis is anticipated, one of the
characters will whimper, ‘I ... I feel so
helpless.’
Suddenly, enter Ben, who has been
listening in for the last ten seconds,
jumping to conclusions and not bothering
to listen to any subsequent explanation.
Uproar. Slam. Then a slick transition to
an ultra-clean temperance bar quietly
playing some one-year-old R&B on a
jukebox with invisible loudspeakers.
Two or three young, toned people sit in
a row. And here’s a strange thing: they
never actually consume the food and
drink in front of them. If you’ve been to
Seasons recently, you’ll know why.
I have no doubt that, true to fiction,
every young woman I know is soon
going to ‘leave the country’ or maybe
‘get run over by a train’. You mark my
words, the month after they do, they’ll
have a chart hit. One day after that I’ll
wander innocently into a newsagents,
and find them adorning the front cover
of some gentrified masturbatory aid.
Going to Azerbaijan, are you? Ha! I’m
not fooled. You’re working on a solo
career and flashing your bum at an FHM
photographer for ten grand, that’s what
you’re doing. Well, I’m not going to be
deceived any more.
And here’s another thing. People
around me who should know better,
and have proper English language
qualifications, have started voicing
expressing some past incredulity by
exclaiming, ‘And I was like, “Hello?”’
Nobody else batted an eyelid. At the
time, I was horrified. Now it all makes
perfect sense.
Soon, my friends shall start to refer
to their parents ‘the olds’ just as they
now refer to the University as ‘uni’:
a word which has been imbued with
some credibility by the recent sinister
rebranding of what used to be The
University of Surrey. People in Roots
will drink more beer and fruit juice
from bottles, rotating these carefully
so that the manufacturer’s marque faces
outwards, clearly readable between
their fingers. And before I know what’s
happening, Paddy Dowling will be
comin’ over one arvo, with a crate of
stubbies on the back of his ute.
Citizens, this is our bleak, Orwellian
destiny. The Grundy Television
Company are our Thought Police:
monitoring, bowdlerising, bastardising,
twisting, and regurgitating our
conversations. They are dictating our
thoughts and our words. They oversee
the desecration of our beautiful language
with their ugly Newspeak.
Perhaps I’m too old to understand
this revolution, and I must admit that
evidence is pretty circumstantial.
Nevertheless, if you’re female and
you’re not intending to leave the
country soon, I’d suggest you steer clear
of railway lines, just in case. Take a look

characters from a bad Australian with a

mark wherever a
question objective statements as if they are
questions. They have begun to substitute
at the world around you. You still think
I’m crazy? Well you obviously don’t
‘was like’ for ‘said’ in reported speech. understand me. You’ll never understand
teenage soap-opera” full stop ought to
be, accompanied Four months ago, I heard somebody
I know -- somebody intelligent --
me. You’re a drongo. So just rack off,
mate.
by an obbligato of

barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is

published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union
Do you have a complaint against
Communications Office. this newspaper?

2002 - 2003 The views expressed within the paper are those of individual If you have a complaint about any item in this
newspaper which contains inaccuracy, harassment,
authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the
editor in chief | richard watts [comms@ussu.co.uk] Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the intrusion or discrimination write to our editor about
it.
University of Surrey.
editor film editors This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, If you remain dissatisfied please contact the
sarah butterworth [mu91sb@surrey.ac.uk] stewart fudge [cs81sf@surrey.ac.uk] stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express Press Complaints Commission - an independant
permission of the publisher beforehand. organisation established to uphold an editorial Code
deputy editor jolyon hunter [cs91jh@surrey.ac.uk]
All submissions must include the author’s name and Union of Practice for the Press. This newspaper will abide
position vacant photography editor by their decision.
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news editor chris hunter [funkyberry@hotmail.com]
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music editors chris ward [cs21cw@surrey.ac.uk] 1 Salisbury Square
alex read [cs01ar@surrey.ac.uk sports editor barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. London EC4Y 8JB
simon robinson [ps91sr@surrey.ac.uk] eddison ruswa [ce21er@surrey.ac.uk] Telephone: 020 7353 1248
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theatre editor lifestyle editor
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If you would like to write for barefacts, then please get in touch: barefacts@ussu.co.uk © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2002 Tel: 01792 510000
6 UNION 6 February 2003

University of Surrey Students’ Union societies special

Let there be no doubt that variety is the spice of life: with over
60 clubs or societies to choose from at USSU, you can get in-
volved in pretty much whatever you like. Below are three exam-
ples of the mnay societies available to join
OVER THE COMING term, St. John Ambulance
LINKS will be running a number of training
sessions for members of the University.
These sessions will be on a variety of topics,
and are free to anybody who wishes to
attend.
All sessions will take place on Tuesday
evenings in the Teaching Block, Room 11
(TB11) and will start at 7.30pm.
The sessions are as follows:
Tues 28th Jan: Emergency Childbirth
Something which any one of us could come
across, and very few would know
how to handle. A beginners guide to
emergency childbirth.
Tues 11th Feb: Ambulance Awareness -
Assisting the Paramedic
If you had to stop and help at an accident,
would you know what to do once the
ambulance arrived? There are many ways
that an ambulance crew may ask you to
assist, and this session should give you
the confidence to do just that. Also, the
opportunity to look round a front-line
accident and emergency ambulance.
Tues 4th Mar: British Sign Language
An introduction to British Sign Language,
Magick & Pagan society
WHO ARE WE?
PAGANISM, ENCOMPASSES ALL religions
venerating nature (including the cycle of life
and death aswell as the living landscape),
acknowledging many gods, and revering
gods and goddesses as equals. Pagans
today are followers of the ‘Old Gods’- the
pantheons of ancient history (eg Roman,
plus hints on how to communicate
effectively with the hard of hearing.
Tues 18th Mar: Resuscitation for
Dummies!
Learn what to do with an unconscious
casualty, this training session forms the
basis for any first aid course. Knowing what
to do could help you to save a life.
All are welcome at any of these training
sessions. For more information about
these sessions, or the activities of St. John
Ambulance LINKS at the University of
Surrey, email chair@surreylinks.sja.org.uk
- or to join our e-mailing list, email surreyli
nkssubscribe@topica.com.
BY JESS RIDOUT
in magick, but not all believers in magick
are Pagan- you might be witches working
spells, healers laying on hands, ceremonial
magicians and occultists, shamans
communing with spirits, seers, or many
other archetypes. Whatever your thing is,
ODD SOCS, ANOTHER new feature in barefacts
this week, is your guide to the societies
that exist within the university. Each week
you will get an interview with a prominent
member of a society who will try to explain
why they bother. This week, we start with
the Juggling Society, and I met president
Mark Thomas and treasurer Alex Wilton.
barefacts: So what is Juggling Society?
Alex: It’s a place for expressing your feelings
through the sheer pure art of juggling
Mark: It’s a place where you can learn new
skills to show your mates, somewhere you
can go just for a laugh, to have fun and see
and learn some amazing things. With, by the
way, professional tuition available every
week.
barefacts: Can you juggle?
Mark: I hold an unofficial world record for
being the youngest person to juggle eleven
balls out of twelve people on record.
barefacts: How would I join the Juggling
Society?
Alex: Just turn up. It’s in AP lecture theatre
3 every Monday, from 6-8. No experience
necessary
Mark: We guarantee to teach new members
to juggle three balls in one week, and you
can also learn to juggle with rings or clubs,
or you can learn to unicycle or use a Diablo
or devil sticks too.
barefacts: You formed this society very
recently, were you tempted to call it
‘tossers’?
Mark: We’ve heard all the ball jokes, ring
jokes, tossing jokes and we’re not amused
Alex: Well I’m always amused
barefacts: That’s very helpful guys, thanks.
So there you have it. Juggling Society every
Monday at 6 in AP3. Show up and throw
some stuff.
NOTICES
Economics EGM (electing new treasurer
and secretary) 7th February
1pm 04 AD 00
Arabic EGM (electing a new Social
Secretary) 7th February 4pm Grant
Mitchell Committee room
Stage Crew AGM 10th February 6pm
Helyn Rose Bar

Egyptian, Norse) and the spirits of nature,
but we deny no other religion- the divine
is sacred no matter what face it is wearing.
These gods may be divinities in their own
right, or you may consider them forms
M
you’re welcome to join us.
WHAT WE ARE UP TO ON CAMPUS?
This semester we meet as always Wednesday
night at 6ish in Roots (sofa side). We’re the oney
ones with pentacles and more hot chocolate

created to symbolise aspects of the world
around us. Our world is a divine body and a
living system, and we hope by observing our
customs to attain harmony with it.
Pagans do not believe in the Devil / Satan,
and are certainly not silly enough to worship
one if they did. Celtic gods depicted with
animal traits eg antlers are often mistaken
for the Devil. The philosophy of Satanism
is not the worship of the Devil, but focuses
on faith in the self as opposed to faith in
a religion. The name merely reflects the
original root of the word “satan”, meaning
“an adversary” (of religion). Satanists are
not Pagan, but belong under the society
umbrella by virtue of their belief in magic,
see below.
MAGICK is the unseen force of the
universe, and the shaping of that energy by
will. Magick can be a combination of ritual,
psychology, meditation, or faith. It is often
tapped by divination (fortune telling) by
the Tarot, runes or crystals, or can be used
for healing by Reiki, Chakra work or other
energy techniques. Most Pagans believe
than is really decent. We have another
divination evening planned Weds 12 Feb,
for trying our hands at telling each other’s
futures. 1st March we’ll be tripping merrily
into London to hunt out quirky occult shops
of coolness. We’re also trying to arrange
some (rather nervous) home speakers on
magickal and pagan topics, kicking off
Weds 19 Feb with an intro to Astrology.
And of course we are celebrating the
Sabbats, our festivals marking the turn of
the year. Imbolc, the dawn of spring and
the festival of healing, poetry, smithing and
the goddess as maiden, will be marked on
5 Feb. Further ahead (masters of planning
that we are) we’ve pencilled in another trip
to Glastonbury for Spring Equinox (daytrip
Sat 22 March). Plus, we’re compiling a
list of books we’re willing to lend to other
members, and there are various non society
events coming up like the Royal Academy
talks on the Aztec gods etc. So please join
us! Find us on Wednesdays in Roots or
email our group: UniSwiccan@yahoogrou
ps.com to chat.
atters
There is a word that is as common to the vocabulary of
the rich as it is to the poor: debt. So this week we look
at what do you do when the money runs out?
Whatever you do – don’t panic; saying that, don’t sweep the matter under the carpet and
try to ignore it because it will not go away. Come and talk to us at SAIS or the student
adviser at your bank, or the Citizens Advice Bureau. Or all three. Between every one you
will receive the best advice and help.
Impoverished and imprudent students are not a new phenomenon and you are not alone.
A bank manager’s view on the matter: “The problems students have are very real. As a
bank manager, all too often we find we are just picking up the pieces when things have
gone too far. Debt brings stress and that will affect your ability to study. Come sooner
rather than later.”
If money is getting tight the following may be worth remembering:
• don’t fall into the hands of a loan shark
• don’t exceed your bank overdraft without asking first
• don’t forget to pay your gas and electricity bills
• don’t see credit cards as another source of income
Student Advice& Information Service (SAIS): Wey Flat 2 | Surrey Court
t: [68]9261 | e: student-advice@surrey.ac.uk
 this wk.

“
elections03 NUS
conference are
delegates
next wk. you
what willing
happens
next? “ to
run
?
The sabbatical elections are not the only thing you can run or vote for dur-
ing the election period. If you are interested in the national student scene,
then you can run for a position of “delegate” to the NUS national confer-
ence, held in Blackpool.
At this event, the policy for NUS is set for the next year and you, as a USSU
delegate, can have a direct effect on the outcome of what the NUS con-
centrates on next year.
To get yourself elected, you need to know why you want to go and con-
vince other people why you would be the best person to go to Blackpool
to represent the students at the University of Surrey.
If you would like to be a delegate, then fill out the nomination form in the
standard election booklet available in the Union (you can use this for NUS
delegate or for a sabbatical position) and hand it in to Scott Farmer before
5pm on Valentine’s Day (Friday of wk.4).
Annual Conference: Executive Committee (NEC) and other committees membership. The NEC are the representatives
The sovereign body of the National Union of Students and approving the estimates for the year ahead. It of the membership guided by the constitution in
is Annual Conference and it takes place each spring. is the forum where the NEC are ultimately held implementing the policy and objectives of the
Every students’ union or Constituent Member (CM) is accountable. Union. The NEC co-ordinates the National Union
entitled to representation (one delegate per thousand Annual Conference also elects campaign committees of Students campaigns, services and training work
students). Approximately 1500 people attend, 1400 of when it divides into sectors: Further Education and are responsible for managing the affairs of the
whom are delegates. National Committee (FENC) and Higher Education National Union of Students. The NEC may set policy
Annual Conference determines the policy of the National Committee (HENC). These committees in between Annual Conference, provided that it does
National Union. It also adopts policies by ratifying aim to co-operate with the National Executive in not breech the policy set by Conference.
decisions taken at sector conferences and liberation the implementation of policy directly related to their The National Executive are held accountable by
conferences. It sets the campaigning agenda for sector and advise them on matters concerning either National Council or ultimately by Annual Conference.
the next year by determining policy areas. Annual higher or further education. The NEC Consists of 26 members, including the
Conference has the responsibility for electing most of National Executive Committee: “Block of Twelve” part-time officers who are without
the National The National Executive Committee (NEC) is elected portfolio and elected at National Conference.
at Annual Conference, Liberation Conferences
and Special Region Conferences by the NUS conference | Blackpool | 31.03 - 03.04

Another volunteering opportunity from V-coordi-

HI, ITS ME All Cummings
back again to give you details of the 2nd
V opportunity that you can get involved
about and this week though I’m going
to tell you all about Guildford Action.
nator Alli Cummings: Gulidford Action
Well as you can probably guess fromthe their furniture recycling project which
title, there is hardly any traveling allows poorer people to be able to
involved with this one as its based in afford essential bits of furniture.
Guildford, just round the corner from If you’re not an office person or think
the bus station. The main purpose your IT skills are good enough then
of Guildford Action is how about enhancing your people
to provide support for skills by working in the Drop In Centre
people on low incomes or the Family Centre? The Drop In
in Guildford through a Centre offers advice & support, a
drop in centre, housing shower and clean clothes and cooked
support, counselling food at reasonable prices so volunteers
or family support. So are desperately needed to help out by
because they do such talking to people, giving advice or just
a lot you are right in helping out in anyway possible. The
thinking that there is purpose of the Family Centre is to give
quite a lot for you to get advice and support to families or young
involved in. people so they have clothes and toys
You could learn some for the families, they also teach skills
admin skills through like fashion and IT and they provide
working in their offices outreach support to vulnerable kids
and helping to organise aged between the ages of 11 and 16.
Why not spare some of your time to
help out a family or a child and get
some great life and work experience.
Then as if this isn’t enough you could
also help out with Housing Support
by giving people advice on debts,
housing, eviction and relationships
with neighbours and families.
If you are interested in any of these
opportunities then please just pop into
the Students Union Activity Centre and
have a word or email me.
p.s. If you didn’t see the first
opportunity for some strange reason,
then it was the Grange, a retreat
for people with severe learning and
Pictured:
physical disabilities and if you want Guildford Ac-
more info on that one then just get in tion day centre
touch. manager Karen
a.cummings@surrey.ac.uk Jones and some
much-needed
t: [01483] [68] 3254 care goods.
8 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 6 February 2003

Careers for music graduates (and everybody else)

Responding to the article in barefacts issue 1047 entitled “careers for music students,” Dr Russ
Clark of the careers service restores the faith of any arts graduates who might have found
themselves panicking unnecessarily
MANY OF YOU will have read Sarah’s
article in a recent barefacts in which
she suggested that the information
provision in the Careers Service for
those on less science-based courses
could be improved. I should like to
reply as readers may otherwise form a
view about the Careers Service which
is incorrect.
I cannot deny that some of the
information which we carry may not
appear, at first sight, to be of interest
to every student. However, I must
point out that 50% of jobs are open
to graduates of any discipline. The
Hobson’s Management Guide is
relevant to every graduate at Surrey.
So are many of the jobs in Focus on IT,
Target City & Finance, Management
Consultancy, etc, etc. The same is true
of our Vacancy Bulletin. Although
music graduates may not be sought
in abundance, at least a half of the
vacancies listed would be available to
graduates of any discipline. We know
of one music graduate who secured a
position on one of the most coveted
management training programmes in
the country. We also know that she got
the idea from the Careers Service.
I suspect that Sarah would have
liked to have seen an ‘Employers of
Musicians’ directory. Believe me, if
a publisher produced one, we would
carry it. Unfortunately, most of the
mass-produced publications are driven
by those employers who take a lot
of graduates and that seldom applies
to employers of arts graduates. It
may appear as if our information
is incomplete but we cannot carry
something which doesn’t exist. Neither
is it fair to refuse to carry multiple
copies of publications which target
particular students.
On the positive side, what can we do
for someone who wants a job in an
arts-related field? The first thing to
recognise is that employers interested
in recruiting arts graduates tend to
be different from those who employ
scientists and engineers. They are
often smaller, may not have a graduate
recruitment office and are much more
likely to fill a vacancy by producing an
advertisement or receiving speculative
applications. Most wouldn’t dream
of producing a brochure to advertise
their vacancies. It is simply not
cost-effective to invest heavily in an
expensive product when they have so
few vacancies to fill. Nevertheless, our
What Next folders, including those for
Music, Dance, Law and Languages, all
carry a section on employers, relevant
directories and other sources of vacancy
information which might prove useful.
We also do our best to carry copies
of significant directories. In the case
of music graduates for example, the
‘White Book’ lists 55 orchestras, 230
sound recording studios, 174 music
publishers and so on, with postal
addresses, telephone numbers, email
addresses and websites.
Because of the diversity of employers
of arts graduates, we work hard to carry
an extensive range of reference material
relevant to their needs. These are easy
to locate in the Occupations sections
of the Careers Library. I am confident
that anyone who uses them will find a
wealth of useful information to assist
their job search.
I was pleased to see that Sarah found
the staff welcoming. I also believe
passionately that every student would
benefit from a visit to the Careers
Service. We may not be perfect, but we
are all totally dedicated to helping you
to find the job or course which is right
for you – be it through the information
we provide or the advice we give.
r.m.clark@surrey.ac.uk
www.surrey.ac.uk/careers

This weeks careers & skills talks

I suppose that all students will know
that we had our origins in the old
Battersea Polytechnic in London, and
they will have seen pictures of that great
Victorian building, which still stands
today. But I don’t suppose that anyone
will have told them about the pigeons.
Pigeons are basically rock birds, and
so they love Victorian buildings, with
all their nooks and crannies. Battersea
Poly was no exception – it was home
to hundreds if not thousands of pigeons.
And they were an infernal nuisance. Not
only did the whole place get covered
in pigeon droppings, but they died in
inaccessible places, and the removal of
pigeon corpses was no pleasant task.
Now I think I can say at this stage of
history that there were certain of the
old polytechnic lecturers there who
confined their activities to giving the
minimum number of lectures that their
contracts required. Those gentry would
disappear as soon as their lectures were
concluded, usually sometime in May,
and would not be seen again until the
following October. One such had an
office just across the corridor from
ours, and put his own lock on it, so
that no-one could get in while he was
away. One October morning we heard
the click of his lock, and then there
was a sort of gasp. A moment later he
Above right: Dr knocked on our door. “Come and look
Arthur Tarrant,
who completed his
at this” was his cry.
PhD here in 1967 When he left in May, he had left the
THE FINAL HURDLE BUNAC
Monday 10th February | 1pm | TB1 Monday 10th February | 6.15pm | LT M
Russ clark will talk you through some of the activities Last term bunac’s presentation gave an overview of
which employers use at assessment centres. opportunities offered, this term, the focus is on work
america.
HOW TO SUCCEED AT ASSESSMENT CENTRES *
Wednesday 12th February 2pm | LT B UPTON MCGOUGAN *
Final selection procedures often include group Tuesday 11th February | 6 pm | oak suite 1 & 2
discussions, aptitude tests and written exercises. This Details of opportunities for graduates and placement
workshop will help you find out more about these students in civil, electrical and mechanical engineering.
activities and get some practice.
AMERICAN EXPRESS *
PRACTICE APTITUDE TEST * Thursday 13th February | 6.15pm | LT M
Thursday 13th February | 6.15pm | LT A Rescheduled presentation of opportunities for graduates
Another opportunity to try your hand at our practice of any discipline in sales and marketing, customer
test similar to tests used by many employers to measure service, finance and project management.
logical thinking.
If you would like to register with Careers, please email c.arrowsmith@surrey.ac.uk, or visit in person.
Please keep an eye on your University email and www.surrey.ac.uk/careers for the most up to date information
This is the word-crossing crossword
you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semeser
Apologies once again for the strange positioning of the crossword this week and
the possible impossibility of being able to read the clues. If it really is that bad,
BY ARTHUR TARRANT don’t strain your eyes and just put words in that will fit. barefacts@ussu.co.uk
window open, The pigeons had moved
in. The whole place was smothered in
pigeon droppings – desk, table, floor,
chairs, bookcase, lights, everything was
a stinking mass of droppings. Worst
were his Dunloppillo armchairs. Pigeon
droppings are very corrosive, and his
chairs were riddled with half-inch
holes, as though someone had put an
auger through them.
The whole place was a fearful health
hazard, an ultimately that office was
demolish and the space created was
used to enlarge an adjacent teaching
lab. The old head porter, the splendid
Jack Knight, confided to me: “Silly
****** shouldn’t have left the window
open, should he?”
6 February 2003
Different fees for different courses: student finance
Last week’s feature on the White Paper detailed the finer points of the new government
policies and schemes. Philip Howard looks at the implications on student finance
whilst Paul Wright (below) forsees profit for a powerful cartel of universities in the UK
TO ITS INTERNATIONAL (non-EU)
students, the university currently
charges two different fee levels; one
for those on lab-based courses, and one
for those on non-lab courses. Given
that Surrey has the freedom to charge
as it sees fit on these courses, it is likely
that the university will follow this if it
introduces higher fees in 2006 – most
VCs are intending to introduce higher
fees, with over a third intending to
charge the full £3,000 fee according
to this week’s THES. This year the
fees were (according to the Surrey web
site) £9,780 and £7,380 respectively;
a £2,400 difference between the two
fee levels, so the two top-up fee levels
are likely to differ by a quarter of that
(since the government pays around
75% of tuition fees). If the higher rate
is £3,000, the lower rate is likely to
be around £2,400 therefore, around
£1,300 more than current fees. To
students from low income families
(‘non-traditional’, cries the White
Paper), this would represent a total of
£1800 or £1200 after the government’s
£1200 initial contribution (£1100 plus 4
years’ inflation), and to the poorest 7%
(so reports the THES), an extra £1,000
grant will apply, putting the balance at
£800 or £200 debt overall. To those
from high-income families, the debt
would run at £3,000 or £2,400 per year,
A lot has been written in this and other
papers in the past weeks about the
government’s white paper regarding
the future of Higher Education.
From a student’s perspective the
most important development is that
institutions will be freed to set their
own fee levels up to a cap of £3000 on
a per course, per institution basis.
This fact has many worrying that
this will lead to a two-tier education
system and point to American as
indisputable proof. I, however, would
like to outline a somewhat different,
and potentially more damaging course
of events.
The White Paper was released on
the Wednesday and Universities UK
(UUK) met the following Friday to
discuss their initial reactions to the
proposals. At this meeting the issue of
fee levels was discussed and, as many
commentators previously speculated,
the big universities made noises about
imposing the full £3000 fee across all
their courses. However, surprisingly
some of the new, former polytechnic
institutions
“The individual institution also suggested
would die out, leaving
that they too
would charge
the full fees.
the cartel of the UUK.” This leads to
an interesting
STUDENT FUNDING
with no extra contribution or grant
available. The industrial placement
year at Surrey is charged at half fees,
so these would rise to £1500 and £1200
respectively for the higher and lower
rates. This puts the total balance due to
the government and fees in one of the
categories shown in table one.
Turning to student loans, however,
by 2006 the loan available to students
from non-traditional backgrounds will
be around £4,300 (assuming 2.5%
inflation), with £3200 of this non-
means tested. This would leave these
students with a total debt (assuming
they do not spend their student loan
from the placement year) of £12,900
for low income and £9,600 for high-
income background students. This puts
our extremes with the following debts
to the government at the end (note, this
doesn’t include the grant available to
poorer students). See table two.
Considering parental contribution to
be £3,000 for these top end students
and no contribution for the lowest
income families, the difference is not so
great; the sub £10,000 family income
students receive an extra £1,000 grant
and an extra £1,100 loan. If living costs
are assumed to be £6000 for the year,
then the low family income student has
£4,300 loan, £1,000 grant, leaving them
with -£700 in their account. The
PAUL WRIGHT
situation and one that the government
would not want. If all institutions
decide to set level fees across all
courses at every institution then UUK
becomes the OPEC of the higher
education sector. If all institutions
believe that the market will bear the
fees then they also believe that they
can still attract enough students. Any
institution that then subsequently
broke away from the cartel would
also be admitting that they were
not recruiting or retaining enough
students. This drop in price would
then be perceived as a lack of quality
in that institution, leading to less
students applying. The individual
institution would then eventually
dwindle and die out, leaving just the
cartel of UUK.
In this manner the cartel as a whole
remains strong and can continue to
impose level fees over every course.
Anyone deviating from this is weak
[1] family income
labour based
non-labour based
[2] family income
labour based
non-labour based
[3]
family income
placement balance: +£5k
placement balance: -£6k
-£6k but using loan
high family income student has £3,200
loan, £3,000 support and £4,500 living
costs, so a yearly balance of £200. On
this assumption, the student should be
able to stay above the red line without
taking on a job if they spend as little
as possible, or they may take on a job
(as now) to fund a more comfortable
lifestyle – note that rent on campus
and in Guildford will be around £2-
3,000 a year by 2006. Considering
the placement makes circumstances
very variable. Some will get well-paid
placements, and save hard, finishing
with £5,000 or more in their account.
Others go on unpaid placements, so
may end up with £6,000 debt. Assuming
these as the two extremes,
and will eventually die out.
It has been suggested that the
proposed access regulator will be the
stick with which to beat universities
that do not tow the government’s
line and to stop the cartel forming as
outlined above. The access regulator
is the only body that can grant
permission to an institution to set their
own fee levels. Only if the regulator
is convinced that “access by students
from all walks of life will not be
affected by the proposed fees” will the
they grant fee-setting powers.
However, the White Paper does not
go into a great deal of depth as to
who the regulator will be or how they
will carry out their role. It is quite
conceivable that the regulator will
be just as ineffective and slow to act
as Oftel have been in forcing BT to
relinquish their monopoly position
in the telecomm sector regarding the
unbundling of the local loop to allow
competition in ADSL services. If this
was the case then universities really
would be driving the higher education
sector and the government’s notion
that market forces would shape what
fees were charged would be shown to
be false.
In conclusion I believe that this
scenario is just as possible as the
much-vaunted American two-tier
9
< £10,000 > £30,000
£3,600 £13,500
£900 £10,800
< £10,000 > £30,000
£16,500 £23,100
£13,800 £20,400
< £10,000 > £30,000
£2,900 -£5,600
-£8,100 -£5,400
-£3,800 -£1,100
the total bank balances of students as
they leave Surrey in 2010 will be as in
table three.
These debts for the students on unpaid
placements will usually be in the form
of overdrafts, credit cards and paid
for by working part time during the
other years of their degree. So overall,
students will be more solvent during
the year than they currently are, in
particular those from sub-£10,000
income families, but also those from
over £30,000 income families in
paying their fee later. After they leave
university, however, the picture is very
different; it will be very rare to find a
student without debts to repay through
graduate tax.
system. For universities it is easier
to budget on set, long-term, level fees
rather than re-evaluate fees charged
on an annual basis. It must be stressed
that, although none of the proposals
will directly affect current students,
it will impact on their future children
and younger relatives, therefore it is
important that everyone has a chance
to influence the final decisions made.
On Wednesday 5th March the there
will be a mass lobby of parliament on
this issue. Keep a look out for further
details in barefacts.
president@ussu.co.uk
in
next week
ARTS
&
CULTURE WEEK
what’s the Union up to now?

Spielberg onto a
(Oscar?) winner
He has proved himself countless times over the last
twenty-five years, but can the acclaimed Steven Spiel-
berg do comedy? Jolyon Hunter has the answer
WHEN A FILM is produced and directed
by Steven Spielberg, and he manages to
persuade John Williams on board, movie
audiences have come to expect a certain
high standard of quality. With DreamWorks
Studios latest release, “Catch Me if You
Can” we aren’t disappointed.
The movie itself boasts a stellar cast
including Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks,
Christopher Walken and Martin Sheen. The
film is based on a true story and focuses
on Frank Abagnale Jr. (DiCaprio), a high-
school student who manages to pass himself
off as a Pan Am co-pilot, a Doctor and a
Lawyer, all before his 21st birthday. His
forgery skills are so good that even banks
can’t tell the difference between his forged
Pan Am paycheques and the real thing. This
enterprise nets him millions of dollars, but
of course does not go unnoticed, and before
long one of J. Edgar Hoover’s boys, FBI
agent Carl Hanratty (Tom Hanks) is on
Frank’s trail.
With that, the chase is on… Frank manages
to stay one step ahead of the game, baiting
Hanratty to catch him. Despite operating on
the wrong side of the law, you still root for
Frank and that is the key to the movie. The
characters are colourful and emotionally
engaging. This is not to say that there is depth
to them, indeed this is one area which might
be seen to be lacking. However, this movie
is nonetheless a great caper, and should be
taken at face value – a great popcorn movie,
worth a look if you’re looking for something
refreshingly different.
The appearance of Christopher Walken and
Martin Sheen as key characters shows just
why they are so highly respected actors, and
certainly adds to the “quality” rating of the
movie as a whole. The title sequences are
exceptional in a Pink Panther kind of way
(but maybe that’s just me being a Hitchcock/
Bernard Hermann fan).
Personally, I think if you have a top notch
production team like this, and set a movie
in jet-set 1960s America (splashing about
healthy amounts of Frank Sinatra as you
Also showing: About Schmidt
About Schmidt is the tale of a suburban man
forced to end his familiar existence with the
passing of his wife. Having just retired, Warren
Schmidt, played by Jack Nicholson, searches
for some sort of meaning to his life and looks
NEXT WEEK COMPETITION
it’s becoming a stand- win £50 of TopMan
ing joke, but the Rich vouchers if you dare!
W meets the Hamil- simple question and
ton’s thing is really no tricks involved - we
going to be next week just want your entry
Above: Steven Spielberg (centre) with stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks. Following Gangs of
New York last week, DiCaprio really has been a busy boy.
go) you can’t go too wrong. Just be thankful
it’s not another “A.I: Artificial Intelligence”.
Spielberg leaves behind the digital trickery,
to focus once again on the people in the story
– and it is this that makes “Catch Me If You
Can” almost refreshing. Escape to another
era, and go catch it… if you can. (Apologies
for that but you saw it coming didn’t ya?)
“If you have a top
notch team like
this then you can’t
go too wrong”
to avert the sort of marriage mistake he made
when his daughter dons her wedding dress.
The premise of the film is nothing new and,
though often very funny in places and overall
immensely enjoyable, you cannot help but feel
that this movie is too much of a vehicle for Jack
Nicholson to gain another Oscar. Often enough,
the film moves along without much incident -
the opening ten minutes contain nothing but a
mutter from Schmidt - and the reliance upon
Nicholson’s “screen presence” is a little too
unsubtle to let it slip from mind.
Reasonable performances are provided by the
supporting cast, but the (relatively justified)
continual focus on Schmidt means that they
never really flourish for any reason other than
to signify more bemusement for the sixty-
something retiree.
Aside from this - and the fact that Nicholas
is in fact excellent in the lead role - the film
is worth a look, especially for the excellent
cinematography and humour, more often than Jack Nicholson as
Warren Schmidt
not provided by a simple groom, played by in his movie-vehi-
Dermot Mulroney, of My Best Friend’s Wedding cle to win another
fame. Best Actor Oscar
6 February 2003
Look away now, kids - it’s the Troma movies review
The League of Gentleman probably
have a few Troma videos beneath
their beds, though only a few can
stomach their inspiration. James
Dibley wields the
IN HOLLYWOOD TERMS, Lloyd Kaufman is
probably down there somewhere below
Cynthia Reiner, Alaska Berkowitz, and
a bunch of other people whom you’ve
never heard of either. But for the last
twenty years, Kaufman has led Troma
Entertainment, a genuinely individual
film studio whose output can safely be
said to be like no other.
A wizened mummy who graduated
from Yale in 1969, Kaufman set
out purposely to work outside the
parameters of the industry. Present
behind the scenes on films like Rocky
and Saturday Night Fever, Kaufman
ploughed the proceeds from this
subterfuge into the first Troma movies,
which proved to be a string of silly,
throwaway sex comedies with titles
like Squeeze Play.
The first flowerings of the particular
flavour which would come to hallmark
Troma films came with 1984’s The
Toxic Avenger, a gleefully stupid
movie that mixes graphic violence
(the DVD edition boasts, among other
extras, "at last, the complete head-
crushing scene!") with a sarcastic,
wilfully juvenile story and a hundred
and one special effects that can easily
be produced using only a few brand-
name household products. Playing like
a particularly crude Viz strip come to
COMPETITION[*]
Drive those winter blues away with a whole
new wardrobe courtesy of Topman’s cutting
edge design team. Spring / Summer 2003
sees another season full of street savvy
trends. Drawing on key influences, the
collection is the last word in street cool.
Superfly, Urban Utility and Summer Boho
are the inspiration for a plethora of up to the
minute looks sure to make a statement this
season.
That’s what the press release says anyway,
but usually we don’t make you have to
read that becasue we’re nice like that. And
how do we get repaid? By eleven people
entering the competition. You can see the
sentiment...
Anyway, not being one to moan, last
week’s winner of the Polaroid Joycam is
[Jon Noble] so well done to hi,.
This week’s competition is to win £50 of
Topman vouchers. All you have to do is
* why do we bother?
FILM 11
logo
life and operating at about the same
level of intellectual sophistication, The
Toxic Avenger pretty much sets out the
Kaufman formula: low budget, straight-
to-video films filmed and played
mostly for laughs, with lots of schlocky
thrills and spills along the way. Film-
making at a sloppy, crude level, then,
but nevertheless delivering more in
the way of genuine entertainment than
the rather more cynically stupid trash
ground out by the Hollywood drones. everyone. The Troma catalogue runs to filmmakers to follow his example.
Troma films tend to sit fairly contently hundreds of films, and while Kaufman South Park creators
in the "exploitation" genre, but deserves note for his work in restoring Trey Parker and Matt Stone got their
generally have a greater depth than and releasing worthy-but-ancient first break at Troma Entertainment:
this implies. For every charming but exploitation films of yore like The their first feature-length Cannibal: the
throwaway effort like Surf Nazis Must Indiscretion of an American Wife or Musical was released through Troma,
Die, there’s a Tromeo & Juliet, which White Zombie (from which the famed and resulted in commissions from the
takes Shakespeare’s original story glam-metal group took their name), Fox and Comedy Central television
only to stuff it full of kinky sex, body some of his more gruelling features are networks. A book, Make Your Own
piercing, and Motörhead. The resulting strictly for devotees. Veterans of Peter Damn Movie, is due to be published
mess is surreal, vulgar, nightmarish, Jackson’s early efforts like Bad Taste this summer.
and highly imaginative: like a chance beware: Lloyd Kaufman is prepared to While a film like Chopper Chicks in
meeting between David Lynch and go much, much further. Zombietown or Killer Condom isn’t
Billy Connolly. It’s particularly hard to Perhaps history will come to see about to bring home any Academy
imagine The League of Gentlemen not Kaufman as most important for the Awards, Kaufman stands out as one
having a few well-worn Troma videos example he sets rather than the films of the most distinctive, enthusiastic,
beneath their mattresses. he has produced. Filmmakers like and outspoken independent filmmakers
Due to their undeniably extreme Tarantino and Rodriguez have come in the business. And there’s no way to
content and occasional utter absence of forward to acclaim his ultra-low-budget show off exactly what a classy guy (or
anything that could be even remotely productions as an inspiration for their gal) you are quite like bringing home a
considered "restraint" or "taste", own efforts, after all, and he has never Troma movie from the video store…
Kaufman’s films are probably not for been shy to encourage other aspiring barefacts@ussu.co.uk
answer the following question (which is not
a trick question - it’s designed to try and get
you to enter):
Q
where can you find TopMan in
Guildford?
If you would like to win, please e-mail your
answer to barefacts@ussu.co.uk and look
out for next week’s barefacts. Entries must
be received by midnight on the Monday
before publication and are only accepted by
people who normally shop at TopMan...(not
really). If no more than twenty people
enter, then I’m going to have them...(almost
really).
You should have
seen the picture we
had here originally.
In fact, if you want
to have a look at
the original Troma
piccie, drop us a
line at the usual
e-mail address.
14 MUSIC 6 February 2003

SINGLES
REVOLUTION EP
ONE MINUTE SILENCE | RENEGADE
This is OMS 4-track single, which as
singles need to have three songs or less
now-a-days is an EP. This means it won’t
haunt the fabulous British charts. Great. It
is very repetitive and tedious although if
heavy rap rock does float your boat this,
I’m sure, is a good release for purchase. Or
you could wait for the upcoming album,
One Lie Fits All which will be released later
this year and features the songs from the
album three | j.s.
A MODERN WAY OF LETTING GO
IDLEWILD | PARLOPHONE
Possibly the best band from Scotland,
Idlewild have really developed over the last
few years. From their debut album Hope is
Important to the most recent The Remote
Part (where this single is taken from), the
band have become more mainstream and
possibly more mellow (relatively) with their
sound whilst keeping the essence of what
they are. If you haven’t discovered Idlewild
with their raw rock/indie sound, start here
(before starting from the beginning with
Captain) seven | j.s.

“There is really very

words by: al read | andrew
malek | simon robinson
anna wheeler | jonathan derzi
matty b | anthos chrysanthou
jonathan howell |
if you are interested in writing for the music
team, then come along to the cd hand-out in
the media centre on mondays at 5pm
ALWAYS AND FOREVER
JJ72 | LAKOTA RECORDS
A relaxed and melodic second release
little to dislike here.”
from the band’s current I To Sky album,
dominated as usual by Mark Greaney’s
trademark elfin vocals. While it’s difficult
to imagine anyone except the hardcore JJ72
fan (if such a breed actually exists) getting
particularly excited about this, there’s really
very little to actively dislike here. Pleasant,
in the good sense of the word. seven | j.d.

I’LL BE YOUR ANGEL

KIRA | NULIFE
Kira has it all, she’s been on Belgians version of Stars In You
Eyes and Popstars so why let her make a fool out of herself
again as a solo dance artist. Runner up in Miss Belgian may
give you a clue but the track does not have any edge that
current dance tracks in the charts show. A mixture of club and
commercial sounds does no favours, maybe she has a good
voice but the track hardly enhances her vocals. four | m.b.

ONE HORSE TOWN

THE THRILLS | VIRGIN
What’s this? An indie band named
‘The [insert short word here]’?
Where have we seen that before?
It seems that The Thrills have been
putting more effort into writing the
tracks as opposed to thinking of
names, and rightly so! They have
produced a neat little tune that you
just have to hum along to. Who
cares about the name anyway?
seven | j.a. ©kate gaughran
6 February 2003 MUSIC 15

The long-awaited return of

100TH WINDOW
Massive Attack
MASSIVE ATTACK
The long wait between this and the last record should be
attributed to reduced human resources (Daddy Gee has been
on sabbatical and Mushroom has left for good). A definite
move forward in terms of sound, Massive Attack have taken
the musical baton and not so much ran with it but thrown
it out of sight! The razor sharp machinations of Mezzanine
are softened in favour of stirring waves of thoughtful sound
– the resulting feeling is one of emotional release. The three
songs featuring Sinead O’Connor serve best to differentiate
this record; the listener is left reeling from this near perfect
musical marriage. Butterfly Caught (not an O’Connor
track) starts inconspicuously (it barely starts at all!) before
exploding into a speedy assault on the senses; 3D’s distorted
vocal scarred the life out of me! Extra impetus is readily
available if the listener takes time to analyse the frightening
lyrics. The variety and innovation in this collection of songs
is truly unique within the current musical climate, I suggest
your investigate immediately. nine | a.r.

ALBUMS
JUST LIKE BLOOD
TOM MCRAE | DB RECORDS
The follow up the Mercury Music prize nominated debut album sees a slightly darker side fake concept
seeping out if that’s possible. This singer songwriter is not in the business of making music celebrity squares
you can dance to or play easily on the radio but brings out real emotion. The theme is
doom and gloom but theirs no escaping the haunted sound is pulled off in perfect fashion. students’ union
Chilling vocals on Over The Water make this a definite standout of dramatic proportions. Well LIVE has returned
With too many good tracks to mention it’s defiantly worth investigating. Each track has for the year and the first
qualities in writing and performance from one of the U.K.’s finest singer songwriter that two bands couldn’t have been any different from one another. The Celebrity
proves he’s no one-album wonder in style. eight | m.b. Squares are an acoustic duo singing quarky melancholic pop and Fake
Concept are a narcacistic nu-metal rip off.
FEAST OF WIRE The Celebrity Squares seem a little out of place for the union on a Tuesday.
CALEXICO | CITY SLANG RECORDS Both musicians know how to play, but their talent and quarky pop seems to
This third album from Calexico is a fall on deaf ears in the audience. Admittedly some of the songs do blend into
typically eclectic collection of Americana one another, one of the problems performing an acoustic set. However, when
influenced songs. On first track ‘Sulken the singer Willie Dowling moves onto the piano, the songs receive a more
Waltz’ and at other points throughout the delicate touch than just been strummed out on a acoustic guitar. ‘The king for
album, are the country inflections you a day’ and ‘Happy’ both tug the heart strings and ‘Celebrity Squares’, a song
might expect from a band from Arizona, about the one dimensionality of celebrities is a funny and clever pop song.
including pedal steel. This isn’t a band However, there is nothing really exciting about this band. Yes they write nice
jumping on the alt.country bandwagon songs and they seem like nice people but sometimes nice just isn’t enough.
though as the multitude of different styles Fake Concept on the other hand enter the stage along with a screech of
on display prove convincingly. The band feedback and what sounded like satanic cries. Surprisingly I liked this band at
it seems can do everything, from country first. The songs were tight, the singer had a good voice amongst the screaming
to jazz to funk to cinematic soundscapes and angst and the guitarists even jumped around like they were in Busted (a
such as the haunting strains of ‘Black similar age to). Now I’ve never been a fan of nu-metal but I thought this was
Heart’. This is a fantastically dark and pretty good but then something changed my mind. The singer’s arrogance
atmospheric track that could easily be the and showmanship began to annoy me, it seemed he actually thought he was
outro to an experimental arthouse film. The in Linkin Park. Then the apparent pain and anguish they were in annoyed me.
styles contained here are miles apart, but This band isn’t in any angst, they are a middle class group of boys from the
the obvious skill of the musicians and the ACM being told what notes to hit, what key to be in and what scale to use. It
production (done by the band themselves) all seemed like they were going through the motions and there wasn’t actually
is in creating an album such as this in anything there. The four people moshing liked it though. simon robinson
which the songs blend perfectly together.
The finished result? A hugely enjoyable,
eclectic mix of fantastic music. nine | a.w.

BEAUTY
THE MAJESTICONS
“I would think twice to hanging it up in my living room.” MARC CARROL
TEN OF SWORDS
| EVANGELINE
Will underground hip-hop from New York make it big in 2003? The Majesticons, fresh out of Brooklyn I’m sorry to be honest here, but this album is terrible. It does
are on a mission, determined to get their music heard all over the globe and that includes us here in nothing to inspire and is a weak, dire and dull collection of
leafy, middleclass Guildford, what a contrast to the ghettos! Mike Ladd is at the forefront of The rubbish. The thing is I’m not sure why I hate it. He can sing,
Majesticons, this is one of many projects he has undertaken. A man of many talents, Ladd has done a there’s nice melodies and a pop sensibility about this record
spot of Djing in the past as well as fronting funk and punk bands. but it has been done and heard so many times before, its all Top: Massive
An album that seems to be a lot funkier than your average hip-hop LP but still holds onto the traditional so predictable. Guitar, sweet harmonies and some songs Attack and
about love we have heard a plenty and done so much more [above left]
hip hop sounds. Ladd has created a great piece of art here, I would think twice to hanging it up in my
Tom McRae in
living room though. six | s.b. originally and more excitingly than this. one | s.r. deep thought
16
Rock ‘n’ roll for the 21st century
The D4 know that they are good. Stu Bryce talks to
them to find out just how good they think they are
THE GARAGE ROCK scene has gained a lot of
positive press in recent months with the
likes of Ikara Colt and The Beatings being
supported by the NME and the record buying
public, The D4 are no exception, they are at
the top of the scene and they know it. The
D4 are a band full of confidence and energy
and when they take to the stage the only
thing they want to do is entertain. The D4
are still on their first album after having
released a countless number of singles and
Eps in New Zealand over the past four
years on the Flying Nunn record label. A
deserved break from touring in January and
February of 2003 will see them recording
new material.
It’s November the 25th 2002 and I join three
quarters of The D4 on the last night of their
tour of Britain, they are in great spirit yet
look completely knackered, not surprising
when you realise the number of gigs they’ve
played since January 2002, over 200. We are
crammed into the dressing room backstage
at the Mean Fiddler on Tottenham Court
Road, the room is just how you expect,
cigarette smoke filled, graffiti covered walls
and an endless supply of alcohol, 100%
rock ‘n’ roll. Jimmy and Dion take the sofa
whilst Beaver takes the table, I’ve got the
sink! A band with a split personality, when
given guitars they are monster-like but when
taken away a laid back, cool band emerges.
The D4 are normal people from normal
backgrounds that enjoy to rock, “We give
100% every time, even if it’s in front of 2
people, they’ve paid their money, and we
have a good time.” Jimmy Explains. The D4
Special student rate for the Lion King
The Lion King celebrates the third
anniversary of its opening at the Lyceum
Theatre with the introduction of an
Exclusive Student stand-by rate. Currently
booking through to the end of June 2003,
the Lion King in offering students holding
a valid NUS card the opportunity to see
this spectacular West End show on mid
week evening and Wednesday matinee
performances for £15! Tickets are available
from the theatre box office from 10am on
the day of the performance and are limited
to one ticket per student and subject to
availability.
The popular story of the young lion
cub Simba, as he struggles to accept the
responsibilities of adulthood and his
destined role as king has been completely
reconceived for the stage. The design
collaborators on The Lion King have drawn
on many different cultural influences to
create the masks, puppets, textiles and
sculpture that gives the stage musical its
simple, unique and distinctive style.
The below offer is available in school term
times only and is subject to availability.
Tickets can be purchased at the Lyceum
Student stand-by tickets are available for £15, for performances on Tuesday, Wednesday
and Thursday evening performances at 7.30pm and,Wednesday matinee at 2.30pm
MUSIC
recognise the importance of their fans, “If it
wasn’t for them, then we wouldn’t be seeing
the world” Dion adds. The UK fan-base is
looking really healthy and could soon rival
the support they have in New Zealand.
Dion and Jimmy compete over who can
add the most to the interview, whilst Beaver
(so called because he use to work on a dam),
sits quietly, he sometimes grunts, and there
is the odd laugh, but most of the time he
seems to be in deep thought. Maybe it’s
nerves about tonight’s performance, the
largest headline gig The D4 have played in
the UK. When the question of the best venue
the band have played at comes up there is
much debate, Madrid, York and the Reading
Festival are all suggested with Dublin
Whelan’s winning, Dion: “The people are
fucking amazing in Dublin, they want to
have a good time” Jimmy: “Every time
we go there, we end up drinking until six
in the morning in the bar downstairs at the
Whelan’s.” There is no such debate when
asked for their opinions on the worst venue,
Jimmy: “I reckon Northampton was the
worst atmosphere we have experienced, I
can’t remember much of the place, but those
people need an injection of something.” You
can tell the band enjoy touring, they don’t
have a bad thing to say about it, The D4 have
been performing the pub circuit on a global
scale for years now. Dion: “None of us have
got houses, were citizens of New Zealand,
but we’ve been travelling so much that we
consider ourselves to citizens of Earth.” The
question had to be asked, where on earth
would you like to play that you haven’t yet?
Theatre Box Office, Wellington Street,
London, WC2. From 10am on the day of the
performance and are subject to availability.
The nearest tube is Covent Garden.
Watch out for a review of The Lion King
coming up in a few weeks time!!
6 February 2003
Dion: “We’ve always said we want to play and record more, no resting!” That sums
Tianaman Square, China, even if we get the band up, they understand that hard work
0.1% of the population we will all be rich!” will get them far, and that’s just where they
The answer was reeled of with no thought, a will go.
question that must come up in most of their When it came to the gig The D4 shined,
interviews. the crowd were sent away with smiles on
The D4 are finally getting the recognition their faces. The band belted out the majority
they deserve and have recently won the Best of 6Twenty along with a handful of new
International Achievement Award at the songs, highlights included crowd pleasers
2002 New Zealand music awards. Jimmy: ‘Come On’ and ‘Party’. The D4 are sure
“Well it was the first time we’ve even won to go onto bigger and better things, and
an award for music since I sung, ‘Islands in maybe sometime in 2003 they will get to
the Stream’ with my neighbour when I was play Tiananmen square! The D4 will be
5 yeas old, so it was quite cool.” Beaver: back in March to promote their new single
“You sung that song!” Jimmy “It really ‘Ladies Man’, they play the London Electric
was humbling and very cool.” The D4 are a Ballroom on the 6th of March, be sure to
close unit, they get on like family and share check them out.
the same beliefs and outlooks on life, this The album 6Twenty is out now on Infectious
helps when they spend everyday with each |www.thed4.co.nz
other either in the studio or on the road.
Dion: “Our future plans are to tour more stubryce@yahoo.co.uk
Erlend Oye | ICA (31st January)
Its not often the skinny ginger kid at school gets his own back
and proves his worth, but tonight Erlend shows everyone that
he is a Norwegian treasure. Imagine a geek more geekier
than Jarvis Cocker on his first day at secondary school and
that’s close to Erlend, a six foot plus, lanky, ginger haired,
spectacles wearing geek with a moustache proudly sat on his
upper lip. But with him comes no pretensions, he is just there
to have fun and make everyone else have fun at the same
time, and that is exactly what he does. “I have been waiting
years to dance on stage” he reveals to us all (normally he is
on stage as part of the Kings of Convenience, an acoustic duo
from Norway). His dancing looks a bit rusty, much a kin to a
new born giraffe trying to learn to walk, but that only makes
those who are worried about performing the two step take to the floor because there is no
way we can look as silly as that. But Erlend doesn’t care, he just wants us all to dance.
Erlend’s solo material is a more up beat electro version of kings of convenience, but
still maintains the chill out edge. He starts the night playing the acoustic numbers form
his debut solo album ‘Unrest’ and then introduces his backing band the Full Effect. After
which he then proceeds to tell us about “the very modern equipment” they will be playing
on tonight. This includes an array of synthesizers, drum machines and keyboards. The
thing is no one really minds what he is telling us about but the excitement and enthusiasm
this Norwegian wonder creates in explaining things everybody is captivated. ‘Every party
has a winner and a loser’ glides along on Erlend’s enthusiasm and Electro beats made by
his computers and makes all feel sorry for him as you feel there has been many a time
where he has been the loser. I can’t imagine why as his next party trick is to rap! Yep,
‘Prego Amore’ is Erlend’s answer to Norwegian hip hop. Grandmaster Flash he isn’t but
his sweet rendition of electro breakbeat keeps us all enthralled and dancing. Erlend has
only rehearsed seven songs for this evening and he apologizes for this, no need to though
as to finish he covers the electro classic ‘Enola Gay. Half way through the song as just
the drum machine is playing he invites audience members to hit the start button on his
computer to bring back in the rest of the song. The song starts, people join the stage and
we all dance the night away. The best fun I’ve had in ages, everyone needs to go to a
Norwegian disco. simon robinson
6 February 2003
Around the world in 80 days
I have to admit that I’m not much of a
musical fan myself, much rather see a
good play. However, having read the press
release for Around the World in Eighty
Days, I was really looking forward to seeing
it. And I wasn’t disappointed.
I had always enjoyed the Phileas Fogg
story, especially after watching it on
children’s BBC when I was younger. Here
the story has been adapted, but none of the
race against the clock adventure is lost.
Among the cast was Stephen Beckett,
playing Phileas Fogg, who was Dr Matt
Ramsden in Coronation Street and PC Jarvis
in The Bill, Haruka Kuroda, who is the voice
of Noodle from Gorillaz and Jane Lucas and
Emma Manton, who were in The Office.
For me this was more of a musical meets
pantomime: where you have all the good
bits from both. Fogg’s trusty side kick,
Passepartout (Tim Mitchell) was by far
the most entertaining character. The
funny, sweet, camp French servant, with
an unfortunate nack of getting into sticky
situations, had everyone roaring. The
evil villain of the piece was Captain Fix,
brilliantly played by Dominic Gray, who
oozed nastiness, was bombarded with
pantomime boos and hisses every time he
came on stage. The musical talent of the
cast were what made it a musical and not a
THEATRE & LITERATURE
BY RACHAEL BEMROSE
pantomime, i.e. they had talent. Powerful
singing, a collection of memorable songs
and a very funny number all about Mormon
polygamy, made for a well spent evening
out!
17
Theatre editor Rachael
Bemrose meets Jane Lucas
Jane Lucas, leading cast member of “Around the World
in 80 days” which was playing at Guildford’s Yvonne
Arnaud theatre last week, is a native of Guildford and
was a pupil at Guildford High School. I caught up with
her to have a chat about the musical, now in its second
incarnation, and what brought her into the world of
acting.
Being raised in a medical family, Jane initially went
into nursing after finishing school. Pressure from her
father to have a safe and secure job, meant putting her dream of being an actress on hold.
“I’d always wanted to act, and after 15 years of nursing I had gone as far as I could with it.
In 1996 I was financially independent; I had my own home, so I decided to give it a go. I am
much happier now and am lucky to have been working ever since.”
One job she has been working on since graduating from LAPA in 1996, in as Sheila the
mousy girl in “The Office”. Having been involved in the award winning series since the
pilot episode, she enthuses about this particularly original British comedy: “Working on The
Office is hilarious and amazing. Ricky Gervais and Steven Merchant are very nice, very
bright, and very funny, but also very different from one another.” Knowing that we aren’t
going to see another series of the glorious tales from Slough, I ask if there are any office
specials in the pipe line. Jane confirms: “Yes, I’ve been approach to do a couple of one off
specials.”
We go one to talk about the musical and its cast, of which Jane is an original member. She
says that the cast are all “totally committed: nobody slacks at all. This second production
is much slicker than the first, as there have been a few changes and there is an enormous
amount of enthusiasm, which counts for a lot.” In the first act the ensemble cast along with
Jane plays a variety of characters. In act 2, Jane plays Miss Fotherington, who she describes
as a “heightened Victorian intelligent woman, though not a caricature, and I love playing
her!” She tells me that both adults and children enjoy it, thought it’s often the older ones
who enjoy it more.
Talking to Jane gave me peace of mind: peace of mind that it is possible to do something
you dream about. Whether it’s because you’re now brave enough to take the leap or simply
as Jane said “it didn’t feel like a risk, not that scary: it just felt like something I had to do.”

To pursue a burning ambition

Literature editor Chris Ward takes a look at Mary
Shelley’s Frankestein and wonders at the blind-
ness of human endeavour and ambition
Like Stoker’s Dracula, Shelley’s story has been twisted, moulded, and
transformed from it’s original conception to a more superstitious piece of
folklore. Many people have tried to adapt this tale. Sometimes they have
succeeded, some have failed miserably (Kenneth Brannagh). But the basic
general moral of this tale still stands within each and every adaptation
– the conception of an idea, the blind immorality of implicating it without
considering rationality, and finally the loss of control. Considering that she was
only 18 years of age when she wrote this, Shelley has grafted a long-lasting impression on
literary Britain in the form of a novel that has withstood the test of time and is still as famous
now as it was in 1818.
The story begins in the middle of the Antarctic Sea, where Captain Robert Walton is
insisting on finding a path to the North Pole whatever the cost. The journey is cut short
as ice wedges the ship, preventing it from moving. After they are on their way again, they
find a man floating towards them on a large fragment of ice. He reveals himself as Victor
Frankenstein, and the crew are so fascinated that a man has survived in such conditions that
they are more than willing to feed him and nurture him to good-health. However, many are
suspicious as to why he was out here, and when confronted by Walton, Frankenstein tells his
tale of madness, deceit, and self-destruction.
An aspiring scientist, Frankenstein entertained the idea of becoming a scientist from a
very young age. This ambition becomes more serious when his mother dies as a result of
childbirth, and he becomes adamant not on finding a cure for the many terminal diseases
that were around at the time (cholera for example), but on finding a cure for death. His
motivation is overdriven by emotion, and his ambition is far too powerful for any external
factor to counteract. His madness conceives a mechanism to give life after death, to bring
a body back to life. It all goes wrong, however, as the monster is rejected immediately by
his maker after realising what he has done. The monster attempts to enter society, and even
shows quite a rare sense of compassion and love for a family who he hides from, living in
their animal-shelter. However, when they reject him, he seeks revenge for the person who
gave him this miserable existence. The monster stalks Frankenstein, torturing him, and soon
takes his close loved ones away from him.
Frankenstein has every element of a successful gothic literary tale. The consequences of
Frankenstein’s inhumane actions are emphasised with crystal clarity, in order to turn the
reader away from such fantasies as his. Many find this book quite a heavy read at first, but
it is certainly a page-turner once you have got into it. Densely packed with many emotions,
situations, and events universal to us all, this is a book for everybody who has conceived an
idea and been blinded by personal emotion, only to find it spiral wildly out of control.
6 February 2003 GU2 ON FM 19

This is the sound of Guildford:

It’s the third week of FM now and, aside from the balloon launch from the
top of the Union and the appearance of SBN’s Craig Pilling, things couldn’t
have been more fun. Pete Tivers and Emma Owen bring you an update
WEEK TWO WAS a fantastic week for GU2, its first
full week on 107.3 FM broadcasting to Guildford
and beyond. We have had some fantastic interviews
and some even better prize giveaways! The week
started brilliantly with an early morning interview
with the actress Jane Lucas, one of the stars of
hit comedy series ‘The Office’. Jane is currently
starring in the play ‘Around The World In 80
Days’ at the Yvonne Arnaud. Jane, or Sheila as
she is named in The Office, popped into the studio
during the popular News With Xan Phillips Show.
Also on Monday we had two previously recorded
interviews, one with the band Reuben and the
other with superstar DJ, Brandon Block. Reuben
were in the area to play a gig at the Students Union
on the ‘Live’ music night. Brandon Block was
guest Djing at the regular Saturday night CAGL.
To cap off a fantastic day, P from The Vibe show
had invited the ex-lead singer of the Brand New
Heavies to star his daily show. Carleen Anderson
graced P with her presence for a whole hour and
even sung live on his show. GU2 even managed
to get the first ever airplay of one of the tracks of
Carleen’s new album Alberta’s Granddaughter.
As it was Mental Awareness Week on campus
last week, we were also been blessed with the
attendance of possibly all the Sabbaticals and
and Susan Hedges. Susan is a 17-year-old country
singing sensation who has recently shot to
fame thanks to a front-page report in a national
newspaper. Born premature and blind, she is lucky
to be alive but has gone on to master the piano and
guitar, as well as having the voice of an angel. Xan
was helping to promote her 2nd album ‘Crimson
Love On Velvet Black’. Those old J-Team boys
produced this week’s comedy moment. This
flash of inspiration was achieved by their almost
notorious competition ‘Flush The Mush’. The
sound of the boys flushing sprout peelings down
the toilet was a side splitter for all who listened.
Not only was this week overflowing with aural
treats but also GU2 handed out some generous and
impressive prizes. Tickets to Thorpe Park and the
Guildford Odeon Cinema were highlights. It was
also Avril Lavigne week on the J.A.C show with
Jay, Amelia and Chris (weekdays 3-5pm). The
crew gave away a stack of Avril’s debut album attached and if you find and return these to the radio station
‘Lets Go’ in association with HMV in Guildford. there will be special reward prizes. SBN’s ‘The Late Show’
Throughout the week we even gave away … Stop presenter Craig Pilling is coming down from up north to
Press … the new Will Young album! We must not start proceedings. During CAGL on Friday, Gareth Davies
forget Mental giving away loads of cakes (big 6 will also be giving away 5 pairs of tickets for the following
inchers not little cup cakes!) on his early breakfast Wednesday night, which is being Dj-ed by three-deck-wonder
show (weekdays 6-8am). Carl Cox. During the FM period there will be loads more
It is almost unbelievable GU2 fitted so much into pairs of Thorpe Park tickets, Odeon tickets, Cakes and loads

some of the Union staff. Toni, Rich, Paul and Scott
were all been in talking about a variety of different
topics. On Wednesday Pete Tivers interviewed Dr.
Les McMin the Head of the Student Counseling
wwwdot
only one week of airplay! During week three we more. Tune in to 107.3 FM and win!
intend to carry on where we left off in week two.
One of the big highlights for week three is the big
GU2 balloon launch. On Wednesday afternoon at

gu2dot
Service at the University. Xan, still thinking he 2pm we will launch 107 balloons off the union
could do even more in a week filled with thrills roof, to celebrate the fact that we are broadcasting
and spills, had interviews with the band Jelutong on 107.3 FM. The balloons will have GU2 fliers

Who’s on at what time: the full schedule

Below is the full weekly schedule, colour coded to the best of our ability in order to give you an idea of codot
uk
what sort of music each DJ will be playing. If you don’t happen to have a copy of barefacts available to
check the schedule then log on to www.gu2.co.uk and have a look: all the details will be right there.

107.3FM monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday

06:00
Judge Mental’s FM Breakfast Show
07:00
08:00 THE STUDENT BROADCAST NETWORK SHOW WITH NEIL GRAYSON
THE GU2 WEEKEND RECOVERY
09:00 Philip Brown and Sabeena Sabir
WITH CHRIS
10:00
NEWS WITH XAN PHILLIPS
11:00 Paul Wright
Anthony Deluola
12:00 Society Lunch
Christine
13:00
THE LUNCH WITH BIG AL & THE SEX MACHINE SUNDAY ROAST
14:00
Naomi Facey
15:00 Chris, Jay & Amelia Lefroy Chris, Jay & Jay & Amelia Chris & Amelia The Christian
Amelia Amelia Show
S
16:00
Jay Butcher pecialist
17:00 THE EG EARLY EVENING SHOW
THE UK STUDENT
18:00 The Weekday Vibe with P mix@six
19:00 Just a rock show Kaz V & Kwab The J-Team Cyclone dance Xin Xin Chris
Beats & Pieces
P laylist
The full sched- 20:00 Beats & Pieces Arun Classic Jay & Woody Hall Take 2
ule for the FM
period, complete
21:00 Cyclone dance Sex Mickcheese Oli Horton FRIDAY NIGHT CHILLOUT WITH The essence of D ance
with weekend 22:00 Kerrang radio Sex MickCheese Barfly in session Barfly in session
A. Bibiskas KISS WITH BAM BAM STEVE JOHNSTONE Jazz
listings. To see
The Presence CMJ
C
23:00
who is currently The Dark Side Chris Chang MALCOLM TAYLOR heese
on air at any 00:00
time, check out 01:00 THE STUDENT BROADCAST NETWORK LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG PILLING CAGL
the website:
www.gu2.co.uk 02:00 ACM S BN
20 INTERACTIVE 6 February 2003

Last Weeks Answer: This was taken just

to the right of the door into the Laundrette.
Most people would just walk past it, but I
know a lot of people do make mobile calls
2
Quiz
Welcome once again to the hallowed lyrics quiz. It’s been fairly diverse of late, due in part
outside, so would see it. to the different author each week (this week it is Sarah Butterworth, by the way).
This Weeks Clue: This is going to be quite The question, as ever, though, is do you think you can do better, because if so you are more
easy, so I can’t give much away… all I’ll than welcome to do so. If you would like to write the lyrics quiz, then just do it and send it
say is that it is somewhere just off campus. in (to barefacts@ussu.co.uk). It doesn’t have to be particularly clever, it certainly doesn’t
have to be impressive and, what’s more, you can put in there what the heck you like. If you
- funkyberry - want Cotton Eye Joe, put it in. If you don’t, don’t.
2 2 If the reason you wouldn’t like to do it is because it would take away a vital part of your
barefacts enjoyment, then that is fine.

[1] Want to fly her away where the sun and rain come in over my face, wash away all the
shame
[2] You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go
[3] I can see it in my own reflection, something funnies going on inside my mind
[4] Come and hold my hand, I want to contact the living
[5] I’m a shooting star leaping through the skies
[6] Haven’t moved from the spot where you left me, it must be a bad trip
[7] Lucky I have strong legs like my mother, to run for cover when I need it
[8] Say after me, it’s no better to be safe than sorry

Who wants to be a millionaire?

[9] I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve become
[10] We’re leaving together, but still it’s farewell

well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down

£100: which of the following pioneered frozen food production?
a: clarence birdseye | b: henrik crowsfoot | c: ivor nestegg | d: william duckbill
I can’t seem to find the words
that’s because this is a word search
“
£200: in ‘The X-Files’, what is Agent Mulder’s first name?
women aren’t from venus: men are just aliens;

“
a: fox | b: hound | c: tiger | d: wolf
the simple, unequivocal truth
£300: in the USA, what are Yellowstone and Yosemite?
a: great lakes | b: ivy league colleges | c: new york boroughs | d: national parks

£500: what word describes a person who illegally gains access to private computer systems
using a PC?
a: surfer | b: hacker | c: looker | d: tracker

£1k: what name is given to a hen that is less than one year old?
a: henlet | b: chickadee | c: pullet | d: cockerel

£2k: which of these can be described as ovoid?

a: coil | b: egg | c: worm | d: kidney

£4k: which cartoon character does Wile E. Coyote normally chase?

a: pepe le pew | b: road runner | c: foghorn leghorn | d: porky pig

£8k: of which country was Nicolae Ceausescu the president?

a: bulgaria | b: romania | c: hungary | d: east germany

£16k: what does a deltiologist collect?

a: postcards | b: stamps | c: ties | d: parking tickets

£32k: in which George Eliot novel does the character Tertius Lydgate appear?
a: the mill on the floss | b: adam bede | c: middlemarch | d: silas marner
Chris Tarrant vs. Anne Robinson in
£64k: how are Dominican monks also known? a bout to decide the world quiz-host
a: whitefriars | b: greyfriars | c: blackfriars | d: trappists heavyweight championship of the
world. Who would win? Your thoughts,
please: barefacts@ussu.co.uk
£125k: who scored six goals in the 1903 FA Cup Final?
a: bury | b: derby county | c: everton | d: sheffield united
Returning triumphant for the third week is the now familiar wordsearch.
£250k: which part in the original ‘Star Wars’ film was played by Peter Mayhew? We, of course, received the grand total of zero e-mails regarding whether
a: R2-D2 | b: C-3PO | c: chewbacca | d: darth vader it should be two words, one word or hyphenated, but we were expecting
that. So this is a challenge to all you people I see sitting down in Chan-
£500k: how many different combinations of dots are used in Braille? cellor’s or picking up your copy from around campus: the first person
a: 49 | b: 63 | c: 75 | d: 87 to bring a copy of the completed wordsearch to the media centre (which
is in the students’ union) wilil receive a special prize, which might very
£1m: which Hollywood star made an early appearance in the 1984 ‘BMX Bandits’? well have something to do with 8mile or it might not. You won’t know
a: michelle pfeiffer | b: julia roberts | c: nicole kidman | d: meg ryan until you try it. Otherwise, just e-mail: barefacts@ussu.co.uk.
6 February 2003
Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give
a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings
within Battersea Court Rawson…
AFTER driving the minibus for Ski Club
I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon. As
soon as you pull off, people want you to put
music on – the music requested is usually
in the form of cheese, pop or RnB. Now
as the minibus driver responsible for 15
other people’s lives, you want to be totally
relaxed while driving, so you’d rather have
something else on.
THE secret seems to be to leave the
diplomatically selected station on for
about 10 minutes, then subtly start turning
the volume down. There will become a
point at which people don’t really notice
that you’ve turned it down, and continue
laughing and talking. You are now free to
select something like Jazz FM, or Radio 3.
The only problem with the plan above is
that the new minibuses have large bright
LCD screens that display JAZZ FM or
RADIO 3 so clearly, that it can be seen
right from the back of the bus. This means
that anyone that is not in the conversation
will suddenly notice and shout “WHAT
THE! WE’RE LISTENING TO JAZZ
FM!!” and they will all demand that you
put Crapital FM back on. Don’t worry
however, wait another 10 minutes and you
can safely change it back again!
ALSO, what is it with people sticking things
in their windows that make it look like
there is a cardboard cut out stuck in their
window? There must be at least 4 campus
rooms that have cut outs stuck in their
window. Wouldn’t it actually be better if
you paid a real people to sit there instead?
There must be some monkeys around that
would do it for very little pay.
IN Battersea Court windows you could stick
the person on the window ledge, and then
put a wire netting thing across from one
wall to another. This way you could make
sure that the person couldn’t come in your
room when it got cold, and if you didn’t
want to see them you could just shut the
curtains. Obviously the wire netting would
be big enough to fit pieces of food through,
and sticks to prod the person when they
were getting boring. chris hunter
LIFESTYLE
EVERYONE has experienced noisy
housemates who keep you ‘entertained’
with loud music, partying, talking... but
I’ve just returned home to the sound of
bagpipes! Yes, someone in Battersea Court
appears to be playing the bagpipes in their
room as I write. Rawson seems to be a
rather musical house – at the moment we
can boast two violins, an electric violin,
electric viola, two full sized pianos, a
melodica, flute, recorder and several
guitars. But I don’t think that even Chris,
who is well known for his piano playing
and singing antics on the floor above,
has reached the dizzy heights of bagpipe
playing… yet…
THE boys on my floor have managed to
find another pastime other than ‘playing
war’ recently – ‘playing playstation’. My
initial reaction, and that of several other
housemates, was to breathe a huge sigh
of relief – surely nothing can be as loud
as the ambushes of the final week of last
semester? Think again. As anyone coming
within about a fifty metre radius of Rawson
will have heard, the boys of Rawson 2 do
not take their football computer gaming
lightly. During the first couple of weeks, the
three of them spent around six hours a day
screaming at the TV screen as they scored,
saved, tackled and no doubt were awarded
a few red cards here and there. If the
University football teams had supporters
that enthusiastic, they’d definitely be onto a
winner every time!
I’M considering making a list of ambitions
I want to achieve before I graduate in the
scarily near future. Every time I look out of
my window towards Court Reception and
the GU2 studios I can see a metal ladder
with a rather bizarre cylindrical casing
at the top just waiting to be climbed. I’m
not sure exactly where it leads, but that’s
all part of the mystery and excitement…
after all, having climbed the ‘golf ball’
by the lake countless times over the past
four years, I should be looking for new
challenges with which to expand my
horizons… ‘ickle sarah butterworth
Upside-down answers
WWTBAM: [£100: a]; [£200: a]; [£300:
d]; [£500: b]; [£1k: c]; [£2k: b]; [£4k:
b]; [£8k: b]; [£16k: a]; [£32k: c]; [£64k:
c]; [£125k: a]; [£250k: c]; [£500k: b];
[£1m: c].
Lyrics quiz: [1] Tatu – All the things she
said [2] Eminem – Loose yourself [3]
Girls Aloud – Sound of the underground
[4] Robbie Williams – Feel [5] Queen
– Don’t stop me now [6] Pink – Just like a
pill [7] Shakira – Whenever, wherever [8]
A-ha – Take on me [9] Toto – Africa [10]
Europe – The final countdown
My friend just went to get his eyes
tested and found that his prescription has
changed a little. Do you know what? He
blames it entirely on the size of the font in
the answers section of barefacts. So I said
to him - “if you knew all the answers then
you wouldn’t have to strain your eyes”
and he didn’t know what to say to that.
The moral? Either buy a magnifying
glass, don’t look at the answers or know
all the answers in the first place.
21
L ife After The Womb
words: rich w
Tony Blair climbed into bed after a
long day at the office. Cherie, his
adoring wife, had her back turned
to him.
“What a day, love. I’m knackered.
How was your day?”
“Well, I went to How To Not Be
Photogenic class during my lunch-
break and did very well as it hap-
pens. Apparently, in my last five
appearances in the national press,
I only scored above a “passable”
once.”
“Oh, I’m really pleased for you
love.”
“Well, you would be, wouldn’t
you?”
“Why is that, my dear little chicka- The policeman isn’t just there to protect - he’s there to keep the
dee duckling?” peace if things chez Blair get nasty
“Because then your ratings sore and
it justifies that little friendship you have with you know who.”
“Now look - just because George and I get on very well doesn’t mean to
say that I’m in any way attracted to him in any sense other than politi-
cal.”
“So there is no truth in the rumour that you, him and his friend Camp
David all spent an evening in the wilderness together?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Good.”
“We went to a ranch.”
“Oh my goodness - what are the children going to think?”
“We have children?”
“Of course we do. Look, I appreciate you are busy and all, but I still
think that is no reason to forget that we actually have a family to bring
up.”
“You’re right, darling - it’s just that I have been trying to learn barre
chords on my electric guitar and, what with only picking up G7 last
week, I’ve had a lot to be thinking about.”
“P’ah. Don’t you remember when our eldest was brought home after a
drunken night out in Leicester Square?”
“Now you come to mention it, I think I do. Isn’t it lucky that our family
name is ‘Blair’?”
“Tell me, Tony, why is that?”
“Well - Cockney rhyming slang now has a useful addition to its rather
humorous library. *Adopts Cockney accent* ‘‘Ere lads - you comin’
down Ewan Blair’”?
“What?”
“Ewan Blair - Leicester Square. I always use it to remember my sur-
name when filling out forms.”
“Oh, you really are pathetic.”
“Me? At least I’m not the one with the ex-page three girl personal
trainer with a crooked boyfriend that over-shadowed my own press
coverage.”
“Look, I’ve told you - I’m a serial practitioner of law: someone asks me
a law-related question and I can’t help but advise them. I swear they put
some sort of drug in those bloody whigs.”
“You’ve started wearing a whig? Lord knows (oops - sorry) - goodness
knows what the press will say when they find that out.”
“It’s part of my job, you prat.”
“Oh, right. You should have said.”
“You’re such a
twerp, Tony - get
your hands off me.”
Cherie remains
unimpressed.
 LIFESTYLE 6 February 2003

attention: mr|mrs fumble words: victoria venning

The fist site this week is
www.waitallday.com, where you should
visit if you have a few minutes to spare. The
idea is quite a minimalist one, but the really stupid thing about this
sit, is that the first time I went to it I actually waited about 5
minutes before realising the joke!
Now for this next link I must just say that I in no way
endorse downloading of illegal music, whether for extended
evaluation or research purposes. Now that’s sorted, pop
over to http://bigchampagne.com to see exactly what the most popular
songs in the world are. Bigchampagne monitor the Peer2Peer file sharing
networks to see what people are downloading. They then compile this
information into a weekly top 20 chart. Currently “Cry me a river” by
Justin Timberland is top of the charts, and “8 Mile” by Eminem is 2nd.
Lastly is the website of an American college girl called Michel. Michel is
faced with two problems. 1) she can’t decide whether to have a boob job to
improve her 34A bust, 2) she can’t afford to have the boob job. So one day
an idea forms in her tiny brain – “why not ask the people on the internet
to decide for me, and while I’m at it I’ll try and make them pay for it!”.
www.giveboobs.com is her site, where you can vote for your opinion, and
donate money. So far she has raised $3321.51, so she only needs a further
$1178.49 to get the op!!
words: chris “funkyberry” hunter
I wouldn’t say that I was in anyway a feminist, I shave my legs, wear push-up bras
and welcome any guy who wants to carry my shopping or open a door for me (sorry
to stereotype any feminists out there....) but recently I’ve been noticing an age-old
phenomenon occurring more and more frequently; the ‘accidental’ fondle. Now
I’m sure most girls know what I’m talking about, and there are probably more
than a few guys out there
who’ve experienced it
too. The first time this
happens to you, you
may feel flattered; at
the facts of life least someone out there
finds you attractive and
doesn’t think you look
like a cross between
Anne Widdecombe and
a camel, but after that it
just gets irritating. You’re
just going about your business (usually in a crowded place a.k.a. the Union), maybe getting
a drink from the bar or shuffling around on the dance floor, when you suddenly feel a sly
hand casually caressing your bum, or skimming across your stomach (my personal pet
hate - I don’t particularly like it when someone intimate feels my flabbier bits, but a total
stranger? No thanks.). Having become aware of the intrusion into your personal space,
you turn around, only to find that the phantom fondler has totally disappeared or is trying
their hardest to remain anonymous and avoid eye contact. Now that is what I really don’t
understand, if you want to strike up a conversation, then there are other ways of going
about it, if you are so desperate for physical contact, then go and ask a friend for a hug, but
don’t go around groping people who you don’t know for the sake of it and then have the
cheek to pretend that you didn‘t. And especially don’t use the excuse ‘I was just trying to
get past you...’ if you get caught, there really is no need to hold onto my buttock in order
to do so. I’m not suggesting we all turn into unapproachable, aloof prudes, however it’s an

almost accurate astrology idea to say ‘Hi, how/who are you? etc.’ before you go in for the fumble, don’t you think?

because facts and horoscopes are mutually exclusive
Aquarius
Your pet fish was looking decidedly peaky
last week, so make sure you feed it properly.
You don’t want the embarrassment of trying
to bury a fish with no spade. And if you don’t have a pet
fish, go out and buy one this week.
Pisces
Even after more sparkle cocktails than you
can count, never say “bite me” to your friend
this week - they might just take it literally,
and you’ll regret it in the morning. But other than that,
your lucky day will be Monday.
Aries
This is the week to finally put an end to your
habit of staring out of the window for hours
on end. Tesco’s will bring you luck (and
food) this week and your next door neighbour will prove
a useful person to know.
Taurus
After the slight downer of last week, by
Saturday you will be back to your old self
and raring to go. Make the most of your new
found energy (supplemented by the union’s new supply
of red bull) and make Monday a night to remember.
Gemini
Get down to the launderette tomorrow
– people are starting to notice you haven’t
changed your clothes since Tuesday. Luck
will also be on your side, and dryer number 9 will at last
be free.
Cancer
You’d better start calming down soon, as
your bank balance is starting to show the
strain you’ve been putting it under lately.
Cutting down on one of your nights out this week will
give you a welcome early night, though make sure you
catch up on all the gossip – it’s going to be flooding in!
Leo
Hand stands in the Union? Whatever next!
Really, someone in your position should
be able to find a better way to pass your
Monday evenings, shouldn’t you? Your obsession with a
certain member of staff must also stop at once.
Virgo
See, I told you vegetarian ravioli was
nice. Unfortunately, you might have to see
someone about your addiction soon – it’s
becoming a bit of a sore point between you and your
housemates.
Libra
With the sun moving into Libra this week,
you will find yourself the centre of attention
on Friday, not all of it unwanted. The slave
you bought in the RAG week auction will prove to be a
useful investment, just make sure you don’t go breaking
those rules…
Scorpio
After a bit of a quiet one last week, your
night out tomorrow will contain enough
excitement to more than compensate for the
recent lack of entertainment. The bottle bank will be
especially lucky for you at 11.42pm, though stay away
from the speakers, you know what happened last time.
Sagittarius
Things have been getting to you quite a lot
lately, so my advice is to go for a quiet walk
round the lake and commune with the ducks.
Capricorn
There is no avoiding the issue, your room
must be tidied this week. The smell is
starting to seem through the keyhole, and
if you don’t heed my advice then the people from
environmental health will be paying you a visit by the
end of next week.
Xan and the art of ironed shorts
There are reasons why people do not iron their boxer shorts.
One is that you are not at home. Ironed underwear equals
mother and you are beyond her protective guidance. Another
reason is that after a couple of hours of walking, sitting,
scratching and more sitting your shorts will be creased
enough so what’s the point?
The point is a state of mind. Slipping on a pair of ironed
boxer shorts is an ideal way of beginning the day. You are
saying to your mind: “This is how I intend to start today and
this is how I mean to go on!”
Creased shorts, which you have to unfurl to get your feet
through, are like having an irritation in your brain. You have
started the day badly and that’s how it will continue.
You could argue that ironing your boxers takes too much
time. Well it does add a good twenty minutes to the task but
the benefits are positive. Don’t forget that simple, repetitive
tasks like ironing are great for thinking through problems,
and maybe even solving them. It is almost a working
meditation.
We have to find a moment where we give ourselves time
to think and ironing is great for creating space for a bit of
thought. While you remove the creases from your shorts and
shirts, you can smooth the ones in your mind.
words: xan phillips
in
next week
ARTS
&
CULTURE WEEK
what’s the Union up to now?
6 February 2003
This week at
Lexden 3 The leagues for this term’s sports start this
UniSPORT Guildford 2 Monday. If you haven’t yet
UNISPORT GUILDFORD’S PROGRESS in the
NSL took a dent as they lost a tight game to
current national league champions Lexden
at the Varsity Centre.
Sarah Kippax had a long journey from
Manchester and was always in for a tough
time against Rebecca Macree Although she
lost 3 – 0 Sarah showed why she is one of
the up and coming stars in the game.
Next on court was former UniS student
and current Varsity no.1 Mick Biggs. Mick
delighted the home crowd in his second
National League appearance of the season
and kept his 100% record in tact winning
3 – 1 against Chris Smith. Mick is also in
the qualifying rounds of this years nationals
starting next week.
A shock came when Neil Frankland lost to
Paul Allen for the first time in 15 meetings.
This proved to be game that snatched it
for Lexden. Despite Stacey Ross beating
Lexden captain Tony Hands 3 – 2, Steve
Meads found it tough against the player
ranked 8 places above him and the towering
figure of David Evans and lost 3 – 1.
UniSPORT’s last home game of the season
is against Chichester on 18th February.
This is your last chance to see World Class
Squash until October so book your tickets
now by calling the Varsity tel. (68)9242.
UniSPORT Cardholders get free entry!
SPORT
University Sports Leagues
received your fixtures please contact Dave
Hitchcock at the Sport Centre
t: [68]9201 | e: d.hitchcock@surrey.ac.uk
Please can you turn up on time for your
games and if you are unable to play your
game let the us know.
New courses
Yoga - Due to the high demand for yoga this
term we have added an 8 week course on
Wednesday’s at 8pm. Join now at the Sport
Centre.
Self defence starts on 9th Feb, 3 - 4pm at
the Sport Centre. This 5 week course is open
to males and females and practices simple
self defence methods and how to avoid
dangerous situations.
UNISPORT EVENTS
Valentines Dinner
Friday 14th February | Varsity Bar
National League Squash
Tuesday 18th February | Varsity Centre
Latino Evening
Friday 21st February | Varsity Bar
6 Nations Rugby
Throughout 02 & 03 | Varsity Bar
For more information, check out:
www.unisport.co.uk
23
KickFit: keep healthy and safe
New year is the perfect time We had good feedback from
to give up nasty habits and the self-defence course that
take up new opportunities was run last semester (which
and lifestyle changes. I for I couldn’t make) but Kickfit
one am very happy to have sounds even more appealing.
returned to yoga and started It’s a fusion of self defence,
doing a bit of volunteering. martial arts and kick boxing
I feel better physically and techniques and it’s energetic
have enjoyed putting myself TONI BORNEO enough to do your heart
to good use– which does some good (and will certainly
VICE PRESIDENT EDUCATION
wonders for your sense of AND WELFARE do your wobbly bits good,
worth. too). Even better, because
Anyway – yesterday, I had a it’s not a course, you can pop
conversation with Jayne Morris, who runs along for free with a paid up campuscard
the Kickfit class at UniSport and something (or pay £3 on the door) as and when you’re
occurred to me. I still wouldn’t have a clue free so it’s not even a commitment.
how to defend myself from assault, which It’s on Tuesdays and Thursday’s at 7.30pm
is something I’ve been meaning to learn for at UniSport. Maybe I’ll see you there…
a long time and never really got around to. welfare@ussu.co.uk
The KickFit class is a fusion of many different martial arts, as
well as some aspects of boxing and kick-boxing. It caters for
the difficulties many people experience trying to make it week
after week to follow a particular pursuit and allows people to
come to the class whenever they can make it. It is therefore an
ideal way for people to learn the rudimentary skills of many of
the martial arts without having to commit to weeks of courses,
as well as being a great way of developing basic self-defence
skills. It is ideal for both men and women.
A normal one-hour session would involve 20 minutes of
cardiovascular warm-up, 20 minutes of partner-work and then
an extensive warm-down. The partner-work - which is both
same-sex and opposite sex - involves using a lot of the new UniSport equipment, such as
punch-bags and punch-pads, and can help to develop coordination and reflexes, as indeed
can the entire class.
The instructor is Jayne Morris, a final year student who has many years of martial arts ex-
perience. There is a strong history of martial arts in her family and this has resulted in her
gaining black belts in karate and Taekwondo. She trains regularly with the UniS Taekwondo

personals
Anyone seen Trevor the big fluffy bunny
recently?!!
pete likes spicy thai!
Yeah, what about them? Why can’t I see
them, huh? What about all the photos
since then? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
WITH THEM ALL??1!!
Hi everybody, I’m looking for people with
a PS2 to exchange games, tricks, codes or
whatever related to PS2 world. Email men
at duendequecamina@hotmail.com and If
we are enough we could start a Society. C
U.
Happy Birthday Lazza, we hope you have
a great day. Love from us all mwah xxx
missed you more than words can say mr B
pumbamanda-chunda
Limegreensexyrandychocolatesaltyandy
pandylicksscarymarcoallthe15securitygu
ardswrestlingnaked....you know who you
are ;)
thanks to miss no strings for putting a
smile on pauls face ALL day
Roughton and Vicki what really did
happen last term? Who was obsessed
team and is a certified instructor for Kickbox Fitness™; she has also been recognised by
BUSA as a “sports person of a high standard whilst studying” during her time at UniS. There
with who?
ava four for four pounds was good, but
where was my snack bite and black. I’m
never playing 21 with you lot again, Mr
Salty heh?!
Jim- you got any more sisters willing to
strip....1 2 3 to my left!
I think there was something on my roof
this morning. Anyone see it?
Lost: half a pair of trainers. If found please
contact idiot@drunkenfool.com
Look I’ve got ginger hair, not the most
convincing John Travolta!
Win 2 ROAST DINNERS on Jolly Jay’s
Saturday Show 4-6PM 107.3 FM GU2
Set U Free - N-Trance in the union lalala
Blockster sucked...DINGLEY & DAVIES
ROCKED!! Happy Birthday guys!
Wake up with Mental caressing your ears!
6 till 8 every Monday-Friday 107.3 FM
J-Team pub crawl on friday night
woohoo!
Calling all freshers...come and check ou
the Surrey Ninjutsu Club, Dance Studio
in the Sports Centre Sunday 12-3
I wanna work in channies again...roll on
next year!
Ollie, next year 120 Walnut Tree Close
LARGE!!!!
Flippin’ Marvellous
Pete woke up with a stiff one! It’s lasted
all day!
so then who froze the sea monkeys!!!
Yang Wang beware of Uncle hitman!!!
Happy 19th Birthday Pickles!! Love
Turtle
are also many other qualifi-
cations she holds that are
too numerous to mention.
If you have never practised
martial arts before, or if
you are currently a prac-
tising martial artist, then
there is no harm in trying
out KickFit. For more
details, see Toni’s article
above or contact UniSport
on [01483] [68]9275 or log
on to www.unisport.co.uk.
Tina please don’t send Uncle Carrington
the hitman or I won’t be able to serve u
drinks anymore!! Oh yeah..... I forgot.... u
aint being served anymore!!!
Old Boy Mansion - the legend continues.
Paris 2003, come and get a piece of the
pie!!!
mental note: never take advice on meeting
your other half’s parents for the first time
from Vixxi!!!
would the owner of one iBook please stop
boasting about it and pretending to be
a geek because we all know you’re not
really and your girlfriend will start to feel
neglected.
ok. sorry. i’ll just watch a dvd in bed...
24 6 February 2003

Women’s football go from strength to strength
ON SUNDAY 26TH January, the women’s
football team played a friendly against
Royal Holloway. This was in preparation
for our first BUSA league match after
Christmas. It turned out to be an 8 a side
game since Holloway could only manage
to bring 6 players! Being the sporting side
that we are, we decided to give them two of
our players in order to make the game worth
playing.
Unfortunately, not being able to make the
game myself, I was informed that everybody
played extremely well. Heather worked
very hard up front creating some excellent
chances both for herself and others. Beast
made an excellent comeback, returning from
her placement in USA. She played some
good through balls and made lots of runs up
front. Carly and Becky played for Holloway
and even though they didn’t see much of the
ball, they put in some good challenges.
Player of the match was Little Rach. She
hasn’t been playing much first team football
this year but has continued to come training
and all her hard work paid off as she scored
her first ever goal!
On Wednesday we played our first BUSA
match against Brunel. It was freezing cold
and there was a strong wind blowing across
the pitch. Once we settled down, we started
to put some good passing moves together.
Collette played some good balls through to
the forwards who were unlucky not to score.
Beast was getting into some excellent
SURREY PRIDE
BY NAT TARRANT
University of Surrey 7
Royal Holloway 2
4
University of Surrey
1
Brunel
positions on the left and was determined to
hit the back of the net but managed to put a
couple of shots just wide of the post.
We were definitely the better side, however
Brunel scored first with a well taken goal.
It didn’t take us long to equalise though.
This time Beast’s shot was on target and the
keeper had no chance.
In the second half we kept the ball on the
floor and were able to break down Brunel’s
defence a lot more. I made the most of some
poor goal kicks and eventually managed to
score to take us into the lead and become
the leading goalscorer for the team. That Above: the University of Surrey women’s football team whose latest matches have
didn’t last long though as Linda managed resulted in excellent victories. To read the full match reports, see left.
to slot the ball under the keeper to make it
level again. Collette added a birthday goal
to ensure the game was ours.
Player of the match was really hard to decide
since everybody played really well. Ally
A day in the life of a rower
and Kim at the back were solid as always
but eventually it was awarded to Steff who MY NAME IS Simon Granshaw and I am
made several well timed challenges to keep captain of University of Surrey Boat Club.
Brunel out of the game. This is an insight into what the Boat Club
does during a normal week.
Most days I am up quite early Between 5am

Imperial march
and 7am, to go for our morning training,
which either comprises a run, training
on the ergo (rowing machine) or ‘on the

on Stag Hill water’ training at Walton-on-Thames. At the

SATURDAY 25TH JANUARY saw Imperial College
AC (also known as the Jedi Bowmen and
arguably the strongest University Archery
club in the region) come and visit the Stag
Hill Archers, UniS’s own Rebel alliance for
a “friendly” a fixture that has been brewing
for several months now. The friendly
threatened to turn nasty when Imperial saw
what kind of a range we can put together
(thanks to the help and support of Unisport)
but this jealousy was short lived.
The hall was almost at capacity with 30 of
the 32 positions being filled, 15 from each
side (with Imperial boasting of the large
number of stay at homes that were unable to
attend), and a Judge from each team (in the
form of Imperial’s coach Ian McGibbon, and
our own Andy Philcox), keeping control.
The shoot itself passed very smoothly
despite the postponed start and the archers
are to be commended for their discipline in
keeping to the predicted time despite the
lack of a timer (this being a friendly after
all).
Whilst various members of the club
scurried to get the results sorted for the prize
giving, an impressive array of chocolate,
balloons and a dart face or two for those
who fancied a game, were put up to keep the
archers happy. Committee members from
both clubs were also up there to be shot at
– well photos of them any way.
In the end (as expected) Imperial won
the overall team event (commiserations to
David J., Nadia K., Barry C., and James
S., who made up the Surrey team). In the
novice section however, Surrey retained
its honour thanks to Barry C., Richard P.
and Tim F. (Thanks must go to Ian McG.
for providing prizes for these categories).
As has been mentioned before it was a
funshoot and so thanks must go to Nadia
K. and David J. who provided prizes for
Best Novices and Best Handicap Score,
respectively. Again honours were even in
these categories, with Imperial and Surrey
winning one each: Barry C. gaining a box of
Celebrations for winning the Novice Gents,
and Adam B. winning a Toblerone for best
improvement.
Lessons to be learnt: 1) Imperial spawn
like blowflies (their words); 2) Never
discount the underdog; 3) We’ll have them
next year!
[PS Happy Birthday to Laura Borrer-Closs
of Imperial who very kindly invited us to her
birthday party.]
moment the total number of session we do
per week is 8, but we have done as much as
13 sessions during peak competition period.
After training, I have a shower and have
breakfast. Mmm breakfast! One great thing
about being a rower is the amount of food
you can eat! I usually consume 5000 calories
a day, about twice the recommended amount
of an adult male! Breakfast is usually, 6-10
Weetabix, a banana, and a very large glass of
Orange juice.
Being a physics student lectures nearly
always start at 9am. The day that follows
is pretty hectic: I normally finish at 6pm.
During the day I organise squads, training
and liase with the coaches as well as doing
my coursework. At weekends we are ‘on the
water’ in the morning for about 3 hours with
our coach Phil Costen.
On most days we have another training
session in the gym of weights, circuits or
ergo’s. This usually takes the form of being
between 1-2 hours of pain, meaning I finish
up at about 8 and make the trip home. Once
I get home I have another huge meal, usually
pasta and relax in front of the TV, go and
see my girlfriend or go out for a quick drink
down the local with my mates. Rowing
takes up a large amount of time, but it is
important to wind down and relax to keep a
healthy balance.
Rowing is a hard sport, but it is one that is
Above: Simon Granshaw
hugely rewarding when you get the results:
Getting a silver Medal at last years BUSA
championship is one I will never forget! You
have to be very physically and mentally fit,
and have a good positive outlook to succeed.
Also not being to clumsy helps, when you
are sitting in bits of kit worth more than a
good family car!
This year we have a great bunch of
fresher’s, who are really enthusiastic and are
definitely going to go out and start winning,
just wait for the race reports! But we still
need new members. So if you want to work
hard, and you want to win, the Boat Club
is the place for you! Please contact me on
ph11sg@surrey.co.uk.
Sports writers and
match reports
If you are interested in writing
sports articles for barefacts or if
you have a sports story/match
report, then please email our new
sports editor, Eddison Ruswa on
ce21er@surrey.ac.uk