Medical marriages
life
Some brave doctors shared their views
and tips with Julie Sladden about how to
have a thriving (rather than merely
surviving) marriage
“M
en are
from Mars.
Women are
from
Venus.
Doctors are from Krypton,” accord-
ing to Dr Greg Skipper from the
Alabama Physician Health Program
(see further information) and he has
a point. Medical marriages face
many of the same stresses and
strains of any marriage but there
are some unique issues
that face both dual-doctor and doc-
tor/non-doctor marriages.
Although there is no evidence
that divorce rates among medics are
higher than other occupational
groups,1 studies suggest that many
medical marriages may be chroni-
cally unhappy, yet stable.2 This is
not helped by the well documented
inability of many doctors to seek
help, especially when their relation-
ship is in trouble.3 But it’s not all
bad news. A group of doctors, mar-
ried to doctors and non-doctors,
were brave enough to tell me their
opinions on the issues affecting
medicine and marriage, and here
they offer some tips on how to have
a thriving (rather than merely sur-
viving) marriage.
What are the benefits of
being married to a medic?
Understanding and empathy
This figures highly. As one general
practitioner (GP) couple put it,
“They understand on call, call outs,
and after hours work. They under-
stand the ‘busy day’, which is some-
times out of control and the
implications of mistakes in medi-
cine.” It can be
useful to have a sounding board at
home who has “insight into when a
doctor is being manipulated by
members of staff, or patients.”
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Another GP couple felt a major
benefit was “knowing you’re not
alone and having empathy for each
other at difficult times.”
Conversation
Conversation and having interests
in common is another perceived
benefit—but this also has its pitfalls.
“We have great discussions. No over
dinner silences, but we always seem
to end up back at medicine—in any
conversation” (general practitioner
couple).
In a dual-doctor marriage there is
no need to explain technical details
and it can be useful to get an
“instant second opinion.” It also
helps keeps things in perspective—
“we have a mutual understanding
that allows us to laugh about some
of the situations we find ourselves
in” (female junior doctor).
Financial benefits
This also got a mention. “This is
sad, but true,” as one doctor put it.
The financial rewards of a dual-doc-
tor marriage means, “We have a
reasonable income and therefore a
better standard of living.” But with
the income achieved, there are
often “expenses to match.”
What are the pitfalls of
being married to a medic?
Pitfalls include a wide range of top-
ics, from geographical complica-
tions—when two doctors are unable
to get jobs in the same area—to “our
letterbox is always filled with medi-
cal literature and associated junk
mail.” Other main pitfalls are given
below.
Time, tiredness, and workload
Not enough time, too much work.
“When both partners work long,
demanding hours it places excessive
demands on family life.” One male
Box 1: Tips for a successful medical
marriage
G Make time for each other. Learn to be tolerant and
patient. Keep your sense of humour. Try and find
other ways of venting the stress from work other
than at home. Keep a sense of normality and
perspective by mixing with non-medical friends.
(Female general practitioner married to non-medic)
G Have interests outside medicine and work. Try not to
bring work home (often easier said than done) and
delegate what you can at work. Accept that you
can’t solve every patient’s problems today—
tomorrow may have to do. Screen telephone calls
when not on call so you’re not persuaded to do extra
duties. (Female consultant married to non-medic)
G Constantly review your hours of work. Set
boundaries. Plan to be at home at evening meals (so
start early instead) but try to avoid talking about
medicine until after dinner! Ensure you have plenty of
outside interests and get your partner to monitor
this. If both partners are doctors try not to pursue
specialty training at the same time (at least the exam
part). (General practitioner married to general practi-
tioner)
G Put your marriage first and ensure you have
“marriage time.” No-one ever lay on their deathbed
and said they wished they had spent more time at
the office. Don’t make work your life. Work to live
and enjoy your family. You only get one chance.
(Male consultant married to junior doctor)
G Talk about your career plans and where they’re
going. Compromise where you can. Ultimately your
marriage is the priority, NOT medicine. (Female staff
grade doctor married to consultant)
G Briefly download the day’s event when you get
home. As with other healthy marriages, maintain joint
activities and pastimes, maintaining a balance with
pursuing one’s own individual interests. If working for
the same trust, ensure that home life and work life
are kept separate, especially watch NHS gossip.
(Specialist registrar married to specialist registrar)
G Try not to work at the same practice so you can get
holidays at the same time. (General practitioner mar-
ried to general practitioner)
Box 2: Tips for when there is a
problem 3
G If you and your spouse identify there is a problem,
do something about it—for example, work fewer
hours, learn to say no to more work, postpone
exams, or book a holiday
G Acknowledge your part in creating and maintaining
the problem
G Learn to use and practise “active listening” with your
spouse
G Set aside time as a couple on a regular basis—at
least once every two weeks
G Cultivate other couples as close and trusted friends
G “Bear in mind the number one cause people cite for
getting a divorce is a loss of friendship. You can’t
have friendship unless you spend time with a person
and give them your good attention.”4
G “More than hours worked, it is how a couple treats
each other when they are not working that most
powerfully determines the quality of a contemporary
medical marriage.”5
STUDENTBMJ | VOLUME 12 | DECEMBER 2004

consultant explains, “Sometimes both of us are very
tired, balancing family life and career, and need a break.
I’ve had to learn to make sacrifices, try and avoid going
on too many ‘jollies’ and conferences, and put my fam-
ily first before saying ‘yes’ to an increased workload.”
Balancing workload with family life isn’t easy. “You
find levels of tiredness never experienced before, and
I’m surprised how one can still carry on!” (female gen-
eral practitioner).
Career compromise
In order to avoid long periods of separation, or when chil-
dren arrive, often one of the medical couple, usually the
female, makes changes to accommodate the needs of the
family. For example, one former staff grade doctor, mar-
ried to a consultant, has taken a career break while their
children are young. “Fortunately I’m not very ambitious
and have therefore been able to submit my career plans to
those of my husband”.
Another female doctor stated, “I have had to reduce my
hours and eventually change career path (to general prac-
tice). It’s very difficult to maintain two ‘full-on’ careers with
children unless you compromise on quality time as a
family. Therefore one of you, or both, has to make adjust-
ments creating a new phase of married life.”
Social scene
Doctors seem to socialise with doctors. As one doctor put
it, “We have a narrow social sphere—most of our friends
are medics or health professionals. You need to work hard
to have friends outside of, and interests other than,
medicine.”
What if you’re married to a non-medic?
Lucky you! The benefits are, “They have regular work
hours, sane jobs and different moans to your own.” They
can also offer a different perspective to the familiar medi-
cal view. You get to see more of them, and the “career
competition is less of an issue.”
There are some drawbacks, however. “My partner often
feels left out of medical conversations as medics tend to
be a bit cliquey! Also, he doesn’t always share my fascina-
tion with details of work.” In addition, some non-medics
may have “difficulty understanding the implications of
working in medicine.”
Themes
The recurring theme seems to be to “make time for each
other.” It sounds simple and obvious but putting it into
practice can be difficult considering the demands that are
studentbmj.com
life
already placed on time.
Assess and compromise were two other themes. “Sit
down together and review your hours of work, where
your career is heading, and whether adjustments need
to be made”. When there are two doctors in the family
often one has the less “high-powered” career or
chooses to reduce their workload in order to support
and sustain family life. It is important to check at regu-
lar intervals whether you are both happy with the situ-
ation, and
readjust as necessary.
Conclusion
Medical marriages face similar problems to other mar-
riages, but there are also some specific issues given the
demanding nature of the vocation of medicine. The
big things to pay attention to are time and compro-
mise. As one medic put it, “give your marriage the
same attention you give your career and you’ll be over
half way there.’ And finally—“marry your best friend
and go for lifestyle options when possible. Life is too
short not to know your family.”
Julie Sladden freelance medical journalist, Leicester
I’ve had to julie.sladden@doctors.org.uk
learn to make
sacrifices, try 1 Doherty WJ, Burge SK. Divorce among physicians. Comparisons with
other occupational groups. JAMA 1989;261(16):2374-7.
and avoid 2 Gabbard GO, Menninger R. The psychology of the physician. In: Medical
going on too Marriages. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press, 1988;23-24.
many ‘jollies’ 3 Skelly FJ. Physician Marriages.
http://www.physiciansguide.com/docwed.html (accessed 27 Oct 2004).
and 4 Sotile W, Sotile M. Success in Medical Marriages.
http://www.docrates.net/feature/emb/sotile.htm (accessed 27 Oct 2004).
conferences,
5 Sotile WM, Sotile MO. Physicians’ wives evaluate their marriages, their
and put my husbands, and life in medicine: results of the AMA—Alliance Medical
Marriage survey. Bull Meninger Clin 2004;68(1):39-59.
family first
Further information
G Chambers R, Mohanna K, Chambers S. Career-mar-
riage conflict. In: Survival skills for doctors and their
families. Abingdon: Radcliffe Medical Press, 2003.
G Goldman L, Myers M, Dickstein L. Physicians and
intimate relationships. In: The handbook of physician
health. Chicago: American Medical Association,
2000.
G Sotile WM, Sotile MO. The medical marriage:
sustaining healthy relationships for physicians and
their families. Chicago: American Medical
Association, 2000.
G Mohanna K. Trials and tribulations of the two doctor
family. BMJ Careers 2002;325:59 (24 August).
http://careerfocus.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/3
25/7361/S59
G Kersley S. Relationship: what relationship? BMJ
Careers 2002;325:60 (24 August).
http://careerfocus.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/3
25/7361/S60
Useful websites
G http://www.alabamaphp.org—Alabama Physician
Health Program
G http://www.racgp.org.au/document.asp?id=926—
Harari E. The doctor’s troubled marriage—article
from the Royal Australian College of General
Practitioners about the dynamics of problematic
marriages and discussion of common stressors in
medical marriages.
G http://www.docrates.net/feature/emb/sotile.htm—
Sotile W, Sotile M. Success in medical
marriages—article on how to beat the strain on
medical marriages.
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