“The Onion” Analysis of Satire

Instructions: For each of the following news articles you must:

1. What is the target of satire? Explain what folly, vice, or human/societal error it is critiquing.
2. Identify 2 techniques used to convey the satirical message. Use your notes from the first day to identify
techniques.

Article #1: Baby Has Sinking Feeling He Left Home without Oversize Multicolor Plastic Keys
NEWS IN BRIEF • Local • Kids • Issue 51•17 • Apr 27, 2015
ROCKFORD, IL—Patting down his onesie with mounting concern, local 8-month-old Joshua McManus was reportedly
overcome by a sharp, sinking feeling Monday upon realizing he had left home without his oversize multicolor plastic
keys. “Oh, no—you have got to be kidding me,” McManus reportedly thought to himself, his stomach dropping as he
wondered how he could possibly make it through the day without his large ring of blue, pink, yellow, and green keys.
“Ah, for crying out loud. I got so wrapped up in that game of peekaboo with Dada before I headed out that I must have
totally spaced on grabbing them. I bet they’re still sitting there on the activity table right next to my phone-on-wheels. I’m
such an idiot.” At press time, a visibly frustrated McManus had vowed to himself that he would never leave the house
again without making sure he had picked up his colorful set of keys and explicitly placed them in his mouth.
Article #2: Tips for Going Green
INFOGRAPHIC • Environment • Lifestyle • Issue 51•16 • Apr 24, 2015
As climate change, pollution, and population growth continue to damage the environment, it’s more important than ever
for consumers to make eco-friendly decisions and practice green habits. Here are some tips for going green:
● Burn local fossil fuels
● Ban bath time for all but your filthiest child
● Don’t dispose of old batteries and electronics in the regular trash; put them in that box in the garage so you can
deal with them someday
● Carpool with another person to destroy the only precious moment of solitude you have in your day
● When people ask if you recycle, say yes
● Let the fresh ocean breeze dry the linens you’ve hung out in the backyard of your cape home
● Repurposing used water bottles into a decorative door wreath is a fun, pretend way to help the environment.
● Pay a consulting firm $400,000 to give your brand an eco-friendly image
● If you just throw everything into the recycling bin, chances are at least some of it will be salvaged.
Remember, it’s never too late to start doing your part. It is, however, too late to save the endangered baby seals that
spurred you to care about any of this.
Article #3: Gym Teacher Devises Elaborate Sport from Handful of Foam Cubes, Scooters, Plastic Mats
SPORTS NEWS IN BRIEF • Sports • Health • Kids • Fitness • Issue 51•16 • Apr 24, 2015
MIDDLETON, WI—Spending the first 15 minutes of class providing an overview of the game’s litany of complicated
rules, local ninth-grade gym teacher Marcus Hartwell invented an elaborate sport Friday using just foam cubes, scooters,
and plastic mats, sources confirmed. “All right, guys, so to score in Jammer Ball, you need to shoot the foam blocks at the
other team’s mat,” said Hartwell, adding that teams receive one point for cubes landing on either the left or right sections
of the large blue folding mat, and three points if a cube lands in the middle. “If you fall off your scooter, then you’re out,
unless your goalie catches a cube thrown by the other team and tags you back in. And if you shoot a cube into the
basketball hoop, you automatically win. Okay, let’s count off by fours and make teams.” At press time, after students had
expressed some initial indifference and confusion, the game had reportedly gotten so intense that Hartwell had to separate
two ninth-graders on the verge of fighting after pushing one another off their scooters.
Article #4: New Poll Finds 74% of Americans Would Be Comfortable Blaming Female President for Problems
NEWS IN BRIEF • Politics • Gender • Women • Politicians • Issue 51•13 • Apr 1, 2015
WASHINGTON—Indicating a major shift in public opinion from just a generation ago, a poll conducted by Gallup this
week found that 74 percent of Americans would be comfortable blaming a female president for the problems facing the
nation. “According to our latest survey, nearly three quarters of Americans now say they’d be willing to saddle a female
president with blame for everything from a stagnant economy to interminable wars in the Middle East, up from barely half
of respondents a decade earlier,” said lead researcher Jennifer Cervantes, emphasizing that while nine of every 10 voters
under the age of 40 said they could see themselves condemning a woman president on nearly any issue, older voters—a
demographic typically more opposed to vilifying a female commander-in-chief and angrily attributing America’s
declining global influence and ballooning debt to her incompetence—were now becoming increasingly receptive to the
possibility. “The change has been striking; for the first time in this nation’s history, we’re entering an election year in
which a significant majority of voters say they can see themselves denouncing everything a female president does and
accusing her of being the single worst thing that has ever happened to the country.” In a further sign of Americans’
evolving views, the study also found that 95 percent of Americans now believe they’ll bitterly abhor a female president in
their lifetime.
Article #5: Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then
Regret It
NEWS IN BRIEF • Nature • Science & Technology • Science • Relationships • Sex • Animals • Issue 51•10 • Mar 12,
2015
ATHENS, GA—Revealing how closely the waterfowl’s social behavior resembles that of humans, a study released
Thursday by the University of Georgia has found that swans are the only other members of the animal kingdom that mate
for a few years, get scared, decide to end things, and are later filled with immense regret. “Although most animals either
procreate freely or select a single partner with which to mate for life, we observed that swans, like humans, get freaked out
about their relationship after an extended period of time together, abruptly call things off, and then come to realize they
made a huge mistake,” avian biologist Michael Brooks told reporters, noting that both humans and swans typically grow
increasingly dissatisfied with their romantic partner following a particularly monotonous period of feeding and nesting
before panicking and concluding that they’re just not ready to settle down. “While a swan that separates from its partner
will inevitably determine that this impulsive decision was foolish, by the time the bird comes to this realization, its former
companion has already met someone new and is very, very happy.” Researchers also noted that only humans and swans
enter a painful spiral of regret over their lost relationship and then compulsively mate with several partners in a futile
effort to recapture what they once had.
Article #6: Study: Most High School Graduates Woefully Unprepared For High School
NEWS • Education • News • Issue 50•20 • May 20, 2014
WASHINGTON—According to a study released Tuesday by the Department of Education, a majority of American high
school graduates are critically unprepared for the rigors of high school, lacking the skills and knowledge necessary to meet
the basic academic requirements of secondary education.
“Upon graduation from high school, most American students are simply not ready to enter a ninth-grade classroom,” said
Deputy Education Secretary Anthony Miller, noting that tens of thousands of 18-year-olds now completing their
compulsory public educations “would have no idea what was going on” if they were to take even one highschool-level
course in English, algebra, or physical science. “Across all subjects, our findings indicate that very few graduating seniors
have developed the proficiencies needed to succeed in high school.”
“We’re handing out diplomas to a whole generation of students who are completely unequipped to handle the four years
of education they just finished,” he added.
Miller told reporters that in terms of core academics, almost no recent graduates had acquired the fundamental
competencies one must possess to successfully maintain a full high school course load. He suggested that while some
might be able to manage one or two high school classes, or perhaps a full-time middle school schedule, in most cases
anything more would be “pushing it.”
In addition, Miller stated that the class of 2014’s standardized test scores and measures of writing ability clearly indicated
that the vast majority were still “years away” from being able to endure the rigors of a high school education.
“When you talk to teachers, they all seem to agree on one thing: High school is a challenge today’s high school grads just
aren’t up to,” department spokesperson Mike Immelman said. “They’re reading on a level that falls far short of what the
curriculum mandates, and their understanding of math and science is riddled with enormous gaps that would need to be
filled before they could begin to contend with grades nine through 12.”
“If we want our nation to be competitive in the 21st-century global marketplace, we must invest enough resources to
ensure our high school graduates can hack it in high school,” Immelman continued. “Frankly, it’s a good thing these grads
aren’t in high school anymore, because in all honesty, they wouldn’t be able to cope with it.”
The study went on to stress that students should not be faulted for their situation, as most of the blame lies with high
school teachers and parents who are largely unqualified for teaching and parenthood.
Article # 7: Tips For Last-Minute Test Cramming
NEWS • Lifestyle• School• May 14, 2015
With the academic year winding down at grade schools and colleges across the country, students are buckling down and
trying to maximize their study time before taking final exams. Here are some helpful tips as you cram for a test:
● ​Before you begin, make sure to thoroughly clean your sensory deprivation study pod.
● As you prepare to review test material, forming a study group is a great way to enlist the help of other students
just as hopelessly lost as you are.
● Mnemonic devices are proven to be great study aids. Create memorable little rhymes to help retain pertinent
information without the burden of context.
● Drop in on your professor’s office hours to remind them the student union is named after your mother.
● Prepare yourself for likely answers by writing “A,” “B,” “C,” and “D” on flash cards.
● Design as realistic a workload for yourself as possible. Map out a study week plan to more effectively manage
your nervous breakdown.
● Always select the energy drink can with the most flames.
● Visualization is a great way to remember key concepts, so try picturing how fucked you’re going to be if you
forget how the Hegelian dialectic works.
● Highlight every line of text.
● Education experts agree that cramming the night before a big test is substantially less effective than gradually
absorbing the necessary knowledge in the weeks and months leading up to the exam. Hopefully that helps.
● Just do your best, and remember that you’ve had more opportunities, privilege, and support than anyone in your
family’s history.
Article #8: Justin Timberlake Pulling Panicked All-Nighter After Realizing New Album Due Tomorrow
News in Brief​ • Thursday 4:43PM
MINNEAPOLIS—Pacing anxiously between a piano and drum machine, pausing only to scrawl down hasty notes or
blow into a recorder, elder pop statesman Justin Timberlake reportedly pulled a panicked all-nighter Thursday after
realizing his fifth studio album, ​Man Of The Woods​, was due the next morning. “I knocked out a single a few weeks ago, I
threw together a trailer video, but I still have 15 songs to write by morning,” said the 37-year-old former boy-band star
and current one-man hit factory while frantically flipping through old notebooks for inspiration. “Okay, I’ve been here
before, I got this… Blue-eyed soul, maybe something that sounds country for the Wal-Mart crowd… Does ‘Man with a
plan’ rhyme with ‘Livin’ off the land?’ Too late, it does now… Oh, oh, oh! I should call Alicia [Keys]. She’s always
down for a last-minute cram duet.” As of press time, critics were calling the bleary-eyed Timberlake’s latest effort a
timeless collection of scintillating pop standards.