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Mind your



Anurag Khemka
© 2017 A. Khemka

All rights reserved.

No part of this work may be reproduced or stored in an

information retrieval system (other than purposes of review)
without the express permission of the publisher in writing.

First Edition: March 2017

Publishers: Inerva Enterprises

Gariahat Road, Kolkata 700029
Email: inervaent@gmail.com


The material contained in this book is set out in good faith for
general guidance and no liability can be accepted for loss or
expense incurred as a result of relying in particular
circumstances on statements made in this book.

Laws and regulations are complex and liable to change, and

readers should check the current position with the relevant
authorities before making personal arrangements.
About the Book

Confidence is important to a happy and fulfilling life. It

influences your success in relationships, family life,
work and leisure activities. It affects your performance
in everything you do.

YOU ARE CONFIDENT; you just need to show it to


The purpose of this book is to simply make you aware

what you have forgotten in the past i.e. remain
CONFIDENT. I simply believe, after you complete
reading this book, you shall be able to think, process, act

I have not included any exercises or training modules in

this book, no big powerful words used, and tried to keep
it as SIMPLE as possible. The examples mentioned in
the book are real life examples based on a day to day
routine life.

This book is for everyone, and I literally mean for

EVERYONE (beginners & advanced) – men, women,
students, teenagers, business people, and sports people.
Dedicated to

My parents, my younger brother


my wife

Mr. John Harricharan and his book ‘When you can

walk on water, take the boat’ which is my first e-book I
read and downloaded from the internet for the very first
time. The book was downloaded by mistake as I was
trying to download some other book. Karma!

Dr. Devdutt Pattanaik for his book ‘A very Indian

approach to Management: Business Sutra’ which
reminded me all about the amar chitra kathas I used to
read at my grandparents place in my childhood period.

Dr. Richard Bandler, co-creator of NLP (Neuro

Linguistic Programming), for me who is like a wonder

Such magnificent people whom I have never met in my

life, had helped me to find answers to my several
questions which I was trying to find out for several
years, the truth about spirituality, beliefs, truth and

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!




THE FUTURE: Why do you want more

confidence for?

The Confidence Ball
Day Dreaming
Positive & Negative Thinking
The Process of NO & NOT
Brain: The Hard Disk of our Body


THE PRESENT: How to overcome the problem?

Mind your own Business
Laughter is the best medicine
I Don’t have Time
The Balanced Life
The Five Senses
Confidence at the workplace
Other’s Point of View
Be You
Press the Button
Don’t worry Be happy
The Perfect Look
Stop Making Excuses
Anger Issues
It’s Complicated
Stress & Anxiety
Are you nervous?
Don’t be too nice


THE PAST: Why was I having the problem?

Heal your past problems
Then & Now
Teen Age
The 4C’s

I can do it and I will

Let me ask you a simple question:

Why do you think you are not confident?

Because I say and I say it loudly, you are

CONFIDENT, but you are still not aware of it. You
may feel less confident in some aspects of your life,
but from the very first moment you start reading
this book, believe in yourself and say ‘I AM

Changing your mindset and thinking process will

help you to regain your confidence power which
you lost in the past by facing difficult situations or
going through with your day to day stressful life.
Change is a lot easier, if you know what to do.

After reading several books, write-ups, articles,

blogs on ‘CONFIDENCE’, I understood one thing
very clearly and which you also need to insert
permanently in your mind, in your blood, in your
heart, i.e. a simple say:
‘Gaining Confidence is simply by accepting positive

‘Lacking Confidence is simply by keeping negative


If you know the process of how to bring more

positive thoughts in your mind and can control the
negative thoughts by bringing it to a minimum,
STOP READING THIS BOOK, take a pen and a
notebook, start writing your ideas, create your own
book, spread your idea among others to create a
better world.
The world needs you badly.

You know the problem, and have heard about the

solution too but will always believe if somebody
else tells you,

‘You are facing problems like ………’

‘You need ………. to overcome your problem.’

The reason is simple: you don’t believe in yourself,

lacking self-confidence. You want yourself to be
treated like a machine; handing over YOUR master
control key to somebody else who can start, operate
the machine and give specific instructions.

If you don’t stop making changes right now, you

will lose everything you wish for and your life will
be miserable. So, make the CHANGES TODAY,

How to make changes? Do not worry! I shall guide

you and prepare you to make the changes.

Whenever you face any problem, simply start

asking yourself 3 (three) questions:

Say, I lack confidence. Ask the questions:

‘Why do I want more confidence for?’

– The Future
‘How do I overcome the problem?’
– The Present
‘Why was I lacking confidence?’
– The Past

If you have the answer and reasons of all the above

questions and are ready to make the necessary
changes to overcome the problem or situations
happening in your life, you’ve hit the jackpot.

If you are facing from depression, ask yourself:

‘Why do I want to reduce depression?’, ‘How do I

overcome the problem?’ and ‘Why was I facing
Our life is a series of events related to the past, the
present and the future. You always look for the
FUTURE, leaving PAST behind and complicating

It looks complicated now, but ‘do have some

patience my friend!’ as we go through the further
chapters, you shall be able to open all the thread
knots of problems one by one.

As mentioned earlier, I have omitted those big

training exercises full of questions and answers,
grading points, note plans; only to show that you are
not undergoing any course programs. In order to
overcome such problems, you don’t need to depend
upon some fixed exercise modules.

The real life examples are enough for you to

understand where and why you are lacking it? If
you need to write down something or having the
habit of making notes for reminder purpose, please
go ahead and do so. Otherwise, the mind is your
notebook and thought is your pen.

In fact, I find there is no problem at all; only you

need to start realizing things and create a
visualization in your mind.

I believe that this book will be able to help you

overcome most of your problems, but if for some
reason you think it has not helped you, please do
not get disappointed and do not stop here; keep on
trying whichever way it suits you and I assure you
completely, you will overcome lacking self-
confidence. PATIENCE IS THE KEY!

I believe in one thing: the KISS approach (Keeping

it Solved & Simple – my version). If you can solve
a problem by just one click, why to bother wasting
your time, energy and money going through with
hundreds of procedures, formulas and planning.

Just take your time, relax and enjoy reading the


If you find any ideas you need to share or

suggestions need to be made, please send me an
email immediately at: a.khemka.999@gmail.com. I
would love to hear from you and know more about

Now, let’s start the engine and hope to reach the end
with a smooth ride!


Why do you want more confidence for?

‘Believe you can and you’re halfway there’
Theodore Roosevelt

Controlling your state of mind, thinking positively

and feeling that you can change for the better is one
of the very first step on the road to gain self-
confidence. You can actually learn how to become
more confident in the same way you have learned
how to read, write; how to drive a car or handling
presentations and so on.

For those who feel they lack confidence, why do

you want more?

To achieve, impress, dictate, enjoy, compete,

belong, follow, acquire, and so on MORE in

You want more confidence because you feel you are

shy, get stressed out easily, feel nervous, are afraid
of giving presentations at the workplace, fear of
public speaking, want to find a casual date, facing
difficulties in making new friends, want to do well
in business and so on with many more reasons. The
more you think about such circumstances, the more
difficult it becomes for you to overcome.
Who do you think is responsible for bringing
such difficulties in your life?

Your friends, relatives, parents, your boss,

competitors, others, your cat, aliens, or …… God!

NO ONE else, but you and only you are


But why would you blame yourself? What wrong

have I done to face such situations? Is it too much
to ask good things to happen in my life? Why can’t
I live my life the way it is right now?

You are comfortable living in this miserable life

only because you have never seen a better life, a
happy life. If you have heard it, you have never
been there. You are afraid of the changes that can
bring havoc on your day to day life. You are always
comfortable living life in Fear.

We fear a thousand and one things: big and small;

involving ourselves, other people and situations in
our daily lives. Fear is a destructive emotion that
can bring a fatal blow to any attempt you make to
build total self-confidence.

What is Fear? In simple terms, you thought of

something and put into action, but the outcome
result was different.
It comes from limiting beliefs you have about
yourself and your abilities. Most of the time, fear
exists because of using the mind more than the

In your mind, you start thinking about the bad

things that can happen to you in the future and you
start believing it as real. But the reality is different
as they are not real. Such thought is just based on
your beliefs and assumptions.

To make matters worse, you start preparing for an

escape plan or shall I say a shortcut route to run or
hide, as you are not prepared to face the
assumptions roaming around in your mind. You can
only find the reality when prepared for finding the
truth about it.

If you avoid them instead of facing it, you merely

find yourself being confronted by similar pain over
and over again until you eventually have to face

If you overcome the problem of fear, stick to the

routine by motivating yourself; do not get
comfortable thinking you have overcome the
limitation or else it shall again return to you on the
same manner, making your life much more
Let us try to understand with the help of a small and
simple example, why such fear and rejection occur
in our life? When is it formed? How to tackle the

Think of yourself as a shy and timid person; who

finds difficult in making new acquaintances, lacking
courage and confidence in introducing yourself to

Whenever you try to approach anybody, even for a

simple ‘hello’, several questions storms in your
mind creating confusions such as,

“How will it look if I introduce myself and there is

no response from the other end?”


“What further will I say if we greet each other”


“Will they laugh at me if I first approach them?”

Such questions forces you to come to a conclusion

that it is better not to move ahead with such silly
greetings. Such confusion stops you completely
from a simple approach thus creating a negative
personality trait.
These negative trait starts temporarily at a very
early life stage and makes you a permanent member
till the very end period of your life. It takes into
shape in a small way at the beginning but makes
you weak and scared in a much bigger way in the
near future.

It blocks your way of thinking, stops you to

approach other people at schools & colleges, at the
workplace; stops you having an open and better
relationship with your wife, and with your kids.

A simple reluctance in greeting which looked rather

a small problem creates such a big misery in future.

Those who are shy, feels loneliness, gets depressed

easily, feel inferior than others, may have faced
similar kind of problem during childhood days.

Now let me ask the same question.

Who do you think is responsible for bringing such

difficulties in your life?

You and you only. Let’s go back again and think

about what would’ve happened if you had more

You introduced yourself, exchanged greetings. Both

of you had a nice conversation and made a new
friend for yourself forever. You were happy with
this simple approach, became more confident and
started letting things as easy going.

Approaching others, making new friends at the

college, new colleagues at the workplace, knowing
what to ask to your life partner, living a happy
married life, getting very close to your kids became
an easy process by creating a positive personality
trait right from the very beginning.

Now, how about considering again a different

scenario with the same example?

You approached someone, greeted but there was no

proper response back in return. You took the non
response as casual rejection and forgot about the
incident then and there.

After a few days later, someone approached you

with a simple greeting and you responded well;
made a new friend even being refused and failing in
your attempt at the first time.

Your positive thinking allowed you not to create an

inflated ego with you and allowed you to be
successful after facing some failures.

It’s not about how you greet others, or about making

friends easily; it’s about how you handle small
failures, overcoming your fear and limitations and
becoming more confident.
If you control or take command on these hurdles,
you are already more confident. I know some of you
still don’t believe, by thinking it is too simple in
words rather than overcoming in real life. Most of
the times, you fail to understand that it is important
to do things as it brings results instead of just
thinking which is just a form of day dream excuse.

Let me ask you again the same question, ‘Why do

you want more confidence for?’

Let us try with more specific answers; like ‘I want

to become a writer.’ or ‘I want to run my own
business organization.’ or ‘I want to be a fashion
designer.’ You have specific answers because you
have specific goals, dreams for your future.

Let me introduce you, the future crystal ball called

The Confidence Ball; formed in 3 (three) sizes:
Big, Mid-size & Small. The Confidence ball is
similar to what you’ve dreamt to become thinking
about the future.

Big Confidence Ball for those who want to achieve

big in life. They are usually a small number of
thinkers, who are more practical in their behavioral
approach, focused, determined, excited, getting
ready to achieve their dream and wanting to gather
a lot of new information. For them, sky is the limit.

Mid-size Confidence Ball for those who want to

achieve in life without going too far or thinking too
big. They are always looking for encouragement to
go higher, permission to move ahead and are always
cautious and watchful while taking any risks.

Small Confidence Ball for those (large in numbers)

who fear any kind of change in life and are happy
for any achievements if they get automatically
without putting any effort. They are concerned with
security instead of betterment.

Which one of the confidence ball would you like to

keep to yourself forever?

We all are day dreamers, but our dreams, ambitions,

desires are very different. According to Wikipedia
‘Day Dreaming is a short term detachment from
one’s immediate surroundings, during which a
person’s contact with reality is blurred and partially
substituted by a visionary fantasy, especially one of
happy, pleasant thoughts, hopes or ambitions,
imagined as coming to pass, and experienced while

In simple sense, every time you plan anything in

your mind, you are day dreaming. The difference
between day dreams that remain just dreams and the
ones that become reality depends on our
expectations. Our expectations become our reality
and we drive on expectations through our beliefs.

To achieve your dream, you need to set proper and

personal goals for the future. These goals should be
personal because they should not be someone else’s
goals, say, goals forced by your parents, relatives or
some senior adults. To achieve someone else’s goal
is like living their life, not yours.

You also need to be very particular in details while

setting your own personal goals or else you may
find your dreams becoming your nightmare.
The goals should be defined specifically, ‘what you
are going to do?’ The goals should be within the
boundaries of possibility for you i.e. it should be
achievable. The goals should be timed framed and
also needs to be realistic.

Tomorrow is the most key element in your life

rather than Today. We always live for tomorrow, not
for today. Thinking for the future is not wrong, but
without setting specific personal goals today, slowly
the future thinking gets converted into a daydream.

Let me get straight to the point by explaining you a

simple formula:

R = 2P – N

R = Real Confidence

P = Positive Beliefs

N = Negative Beliefs

As per numerical alphabet system,

R = 18; P = 16; N= 14


2P – N

= (2X16) – 14

= 32 – 14

= 18

For me, a real confident person is someone who
shows more faith in positive beliefs and less in
negative beliefs. Simply, Real Confidence is
increasing the Positivity in you and reducing
Negativity to a minimum.

Many say, ‘Kill Negative Completely’, or

‘Remove Negative Thoughts from your life
completely.’ I disagree with such thoughts to some
extent, thinking practically. Removing or killing
negative thoughts completely from day to day life is
almost impossible.

You can reduce your negative feelings or thoughts

to a minimum but cannot remove it completely.

When some negative feeling gets formed (example:

someone saying to you, ‘you are afraid of
something’), it stays in your mind for a while and
then you start believing it. If your brain is sitting
with such negative feelings for a long time, it runs
on and on and forms a loop.

If you have the habit of thinking negatively, don’t

let it happen. When a negative thought comes into
your mind, be aware of it, and then try to replace it
with a positive one.

Bringing out the positive thinking replacing

negative thought takes time and proper training. It is
very common for every adult to breathe out
negative feelings and forcibly feed their every kid
the same negative feelings from an early childhood.
Constant reminder of negative feeling blocks a
major space in your brain until they become
habitual. Change your habit or it will change your
happy life forever.

Children simply do not have the ability to

distinguish between the positive and negative
behaviors. Adults are unaware that they are feeding
kids with bowls of negative talks creating doubts,
criticism, humiliation, making them less confident.

Positive and Negative minded people have very

different attitudes, thoughts and way of dealing with
their circumstances.

Negative people are afraid of making any changes.

They have very unusual belief that change is always
for the worst, whereas a positive person welcomes
change and is always open to new ideas.

Negative people are concerned with their own

personal gain and will do anything that benefits
them, whereas a positive person would never put
someone down to move ahead. Negative people
enjoy seeing other people fail, whereas a positive
person feels happy to see another succeed.

There’s no doubt that not everyone accepts or

believes in Positive Thinking. The first step towards
gaining confidence is to believe that Positive
Thinking works. Think, achieve and use it to build
your confidence effectively.

Positive Thinking is a state of mind. It is a mental

attitude that helps to steer your mind towards
thoughts and actions that are conducive to self-
believe and confidence.

Confident people speak positive language.

Confident people think positively. Confident people
write positive thoughts. Confident people meet
people with a positive approach towards life. They
are always surrounded by positive vibes around
them. This helps them to stay positive in their
mental attitude.

‘Do not think about fear!’

‘Do not fear!’

‘I said No. Do not touch those toys!”

When you say you do not, the mind tells, you can
do; deleting the No or Not word because the mind
cannot process negatives. Similarly when you
shout at your kid not to do certain things, the result
is always the opposite, they do those things.

The word ‘NO’ and ‘NOT’ becomes the trigger or

say, a ‘start button’ of your car; where you start the
car and drive smoothly on a completely wrong path.

This is the reason you need to be a positive thinker

in all respects rather than a negative one. For
instance, if you choose to think ‘I am not a loser’,
the mind will interpret exactly the opposite of it,
sending signals as ‘I am a loser.’ Hence, you need to
think positive, that ‘I am a winner.’

Are you aware how big is your brain and what is its
storage capacity?

Experts say, a human brain consists of 100 billion

cells, each one of which connects to 1000 other
brain cells making a total of 100,000 billion
connections. There are more cell connection points
in the human brain than there are stars in our

The brain weighs just 3 lbs; it contains 12 trillion

nerve cells (more than two and a half times the
people on this planet). It contains 1000 trillion
trillion molecules (way beyond our ability to
compute) and can process 30 billion bits of
information a second.

Your brain has enough atomic energy to build any

of the world’s major city many times over. Phew!

It’s fantastic………………, and you still question

the potential and ability of it. Think about the power
already given to you to achieve so many things, but
with a proper use. It is also said that a human being
uses their brain to a maximum capacity of 25% –
35% only.
The brain is no doubt the most complex and
versatile tool existing in our body. You can use your
brain to bring out solution both for logical and
illogical problems.

You can imagine, invent, innovate, develop, learn,

change, interpret, analyse things. Yet if given a
chance, you still would like to make your complaint
list (‘I am not happy’, ‘I am feeling isolated’, ‘I am
worried about……..…..’) as big as possible.

How your mind works?

Have you ever panicked appearing for exams, even

though you know your subject matter inside out,
much better than anyone else?

We can all sometimes behave in a way that we

would consciously prefer not to. Such unwanted
behavior is not always entirely your fault, or not
consciously anyway.

Our mind functions on two separate levels:

The conscious mind (logical thinking) and

The subconscious mind (mental functioning)

The conscious mind processes all our logical

thought and analytical reasoning. The conscious
mind is the part of our mind that is constantly alert
and aware. We use our conscious mind to perceive
our reality of the world and provide the meaning to
all of our experiences.

The subconscious mind (or unconscious mind)

operates all our behavioral strategies, habit patterns,
emotions and memories; it refers to that part of
mental functioning of which we are unaware. It is
believed that our subconscious mind holds all
memories of everything that we have ever

The subconscious mind has no analytical abilities,

meaning it does not have the logic to decide
between right and wrong. To understand even
negative information, our subconscious mind must
first turn it into a positive one.

The human mind has created wonderful things,

putting time and energy in building things to be
proud of. We have given the shape, formulated the
design, its function, features and applications. We
know the outcome and the result of its performance.

We are like the master and commander as a whole;

but when it comes to handling simple hurdles in
life, we break loose, and cannot function properly.

The potential, storage capacity and the power of

brain of each human being is huge. Today in the
information technology age, let us try to understand
the function of a computer and of a human being in
a similar way.

The brain of a human being is like a hard disk of a

computer. From an early childhood, say from the
age of seven, you start storing information (data in
the hard disk) in the form of thoughts in your brain.
You keep on adding positive & negative thoughts
(adding files in your hard disk) in your brain
without knowing whether they are useful or not.

Positive thoughts are like computer software which

are useful to you to perform better. They operate in
the human body (just like an operating system) to
complete the day to day tasks. Negative thoughts
are like computer viruses which are formed in the
human body (downloaded when the operating
system is not secured) to create problems like
insecurity, worry, depression etc.

It is your confidence which works as an antivirus

software to kill the negative thoughts to make your
system run smoothly.

Whenever a computer shows any error code with

the help of software, you immediately rectify them.
But when such errors are shown to you in your daily
life in terms of occurrences happening (like losses,
failures, rejections….), you don’t seem to learn and
rectify them immediately.
For sometine, you stop functioning and get yourself
slowed down a bit, and you repeat the same
mistakes (repeating the same errors in order to
corrupt the whole operating system) in the future to
create further misery.

The operating system only starts functioning again

once you make certain changes. The same happens
with our human body, it stops functioning until and
unless changes are made in the life.

You can change your way of thinking. You can let

go of destructive habits and change your behavior.
Whatever may be the circumstances, you can make
a change to your life instantly – if you want to.

You can only change you.

Now, are you aware of the reason for gaining more


To gain more confidence you need to set specific

personal goals, overcome your fears, keep thinking
positive as your subconscious mind cannot interpret
negative information. And most important: make
the changes.


How to overcome the problem?

‘The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt’
Sylvia Plath

How would you like to reply to a simple question

asked to you, ‘How are you?’

‘Fine’, with a sad and unhappy face, where you are

just trying to be casual and ignorant towards the


‘Good, Happy, enjoying every moment, and looking

forward for all the good things waiting for me.’

The next question, comes automatically to you…….

‘Wow! How come you are so happy?’

It is the same way you look at the glass half full

and others as glass half empty.

When you live your life, do you look at the positive

side or the negative side? A positive thinker always
looks at the opportunities whereas a negative
thinker always finds problems.

If you look around, you will find very few people

are happy and leading a purposeful life. They are
unable to cope up with their problems and the
circumstances of daily living.
Most of the times we are not aware as to what are
the problems and if there are any, where to look at

A doctor when tries to find out about the problem;

he checks the outer body, analyzing as to how the
body is reacting to the complications. If he finds out
the problems from the outer portion of the body,
well and fine; if not, he has to start looking (by
running medical tests) at the inner portion of the

When you are looking at the problems, first try to

find out how the body is reacting to all the negative
thinking (being angry, getting depressed, getting
panicked etc). See whether the problems can be
rectified by seeing the outer portion, if not, start
looking at the inner portion i.e. your mind.

The process is both about internal and external

functions. Internal functions means looking at the
problems internally i.e. in your inner mind which
represents the mental, emotional and spiritual
needs; and external function means reactions made
externally i.e. looking at your behavior, body
language and communication power.

If you want to overcome the problems, you need to

remember one very important technique

Confidence = Change
To gain confidence, you need to make various
changes in your life; changes in behavior, changes
in approach, changes in thinking process, changes
in dealing with people, changes in dealing
emotions, changes in your body language etc. The
change needs to be made at PRESENT, i.e. now. So,
simply make the change……

For the first time let me warn you that making

changes is not easy; it takes time, planning and
proper training; the process is simple but you cannot
climb to success instantly. It’s like taking steps one
at a time to empower your self-esteem. You need to
have patience.

I shall make you understand the process in a simple

manner but you need to take your time to evaluate
such steps by yourself. If you make changes, you
will be more confident and capable to deal with any
kinds of problems.

Once you make the changes, your views, ideas,

expressions, the way of looking towards life will be
totally different. You will be able to enjoy each and
every moment with more confidence. You will be
able to do things as you desire, the confusion will
get over for questions previously you had no

I have categorized the problem issues into two

1. Bringing out the positive approach
2. Reducing the negative behavior

Just sit back and relax, read each part, close your
eyes and try to understand and visualize whether
such problems do occur in your everyday life or not.
If yes, try to visualize as many times in your mind
and come out with a positive solution in whichever
order to overcome the limitation.

Do not wait for tomorrow, see whether you can

make the difference in the very first instance from
now. Try to practice in whichever way it suits you
and look for the changes. You can even write to me
your views, experiences at my email address to help
you further more in near future.

Best of luck!

Instead of mind telling you, you tell the mind

confidently to Mind your own business. Tell the
mind that I CONTROL you, you DON’T
CONTROL me. I am the thinker & you are the doer.

While controlling your mind don’t look for the

answers to the problems but rather put the effort
more to the questions that need to be asked, say,
‘Where is the problem?’, ‘Why do you think it is a
problem?’, ‘If somehow you think that there is a
problem, do you know I have the solution right

You can be successful & confident enough when

having full control of your mind and when there is
clarity behind it, removes all the issues that are
blocking your success in future. While facing
problems, ask yourself questions, reason out with
your mind and find out every angle to the problems.

If you worry too much or are afraid of something all

the time, your subconscious mind will send you
imaginary signals which will make you even more
scared and worried. Always think that the problems
that you are facing right now are not real and what
you are thinking about is the negative outcomes
way in advance to create a panic situation. It is like
the diversion from the main issue. You stop looking
at ‘What is the problem? How to overcome?’
instead ‘There is a problem and how to avoid

If there is a problem, there is also an answer

available. You just need to find the right solution. At
the beginning, it will not be easy to believe that
there is no problem at all (in other sense controlling
your mind), but do not give hope or lose patience,
concentrate more with your questions and slowly
and steadily you shall see the positive outcome.

In no circumstances run or avoid them, face them,

resolve them because you will be confronted by the
same difficulties over and over again in the future,
making it worse and it does not help for your
confidence also.

Try to reason out with your mind with one of your

small and simple problems and see whether you are
successful or not. If you solve those simple
problems, the tougher ones shall be much easier for
you to handle.

There are many ways that you can train your own
mind with the help of various techniques. I
personally find the techniques of NLP (Neuro
Linguistic Programming) co-created by Dr. Richard
Bandler quite fascinating. The approach to the
problem is very direct, fast and quick. The answer
to your solution is simple, practical and it’s the
same way about how to reason out with your mind?

I still remember reading one of his books for the

first time and just by reading the very first chapter,
half of my problems were solved. Although there
are many ways and techniques offered by the NLP
programs, but I always advise you to come out with
your own techniques, simple methods to come to a
solution. And believe me it is possible.

For instance, when the mind sends you an

imaginary signal (scary thoughts), stop receiving it,
and start sending a new imaginary signal. Train
your mind with the help of your imagination.

To explain it in a broader sense, say, if you are

afraid of darkness, your subconscious mind will
send you imaginary signals and visuals to make you
aware that you are afraid of darkness. Stop
receiving the scary imaginary signal sent to you and
instead send a new imaginary signal. How?

Close your eyes, and think in your mind of the room

not being dark but being completely white. You are
standing in the centre of the room looking
everywhere and all you see the white color walls.
Suddenly you realize you are holding a ball size of a
football which is full in black color (or very dark in
color). You kick the football with your foot in front
of the wall and it returns back to you in a size of a
tennis ball; the size of the ball has reduced from
football to tennis ball and the color has become grey
instead of black. Now, you hit the tennis ball which
is grey in color at the wall and again, it returns back
to you, but now in the shape of a golf ball and that
too totally white in color.

You open your eyes with a smile in your face and

you feel you are no more afraid of darkness. You
have removed the visual of darkness and
whitewashed it completely. You can use any other
color instead of white to make you feel better.

You have removed the focus from darkness and

converted it to brightness. The size of the ball and
its color keep changing with the confidence you
started building with a positive one. You took the
total control and send a positive imaginary signal
that now I am no more afraid of the situation.

Say, you are afraid of something. Reason out with

your mind and ask questions:

What are you afraid of?

The mind tells that you are afraid of darkness.

How do you know you are afraid of darkness?

The mind tells that you react differently.
Why are you afraid of darkness?
The mind tells me to get afraid when there is no
light around you and there is complete silence.

How do I overcome the limitation?

When the mind tells me you are not afraid.

Find out what are your negative feelings and

limitations, creating hurdles for you, and visualize
them in your mind by bringing an end to it.
Sometimes your problems may vanish at the very
first attempt and if not, train your mind with all
possible questions and reasons, to bring out the
positive effect.

Just keep in mind:

Mind your own Confidence!


A simple sense of humor and laughter plays the

most important role to boost up your confidence
level. You can shade away almost all the negative
traits if you bring humor into your life. If you really
want to be happy, confident, and away from all
negativity, put more focus to just bring smiles and
humor to your life. The best part is it’s free of cost.

I know I am overstretching the part to make you

aware about laughter, but believe me, it is
necessary. Out of all the ways I know how to be
confident, the most important and undervalued is a
simple sense of humor.

Laughter is the most underutilized tool in every

human being’s life. A simple emotion but a very
powerful one! It reduces stress, depression,
boredom, sadness, worries and frustrations. It helps
in building self-esteem, strengthens relationships,
faith and inner self.

The laughter makes you happy and remains with

you even after it slowly subsides later. It relaxes
your whole body, increases immune cells and
infection fighting antibodies. It also improves the
function of blood vessels and increases blood flow,
which can protect you against a heart attack and
other cardiovascular problems.

Sharing a joke or simply humor becomes more

enjoyable when you are spending time with your
family and friends. All emotional sharing builds
strong and lasting relationship bonds, but sharing
laughter adds joy, vitality and resilience. You can
create an opportunity to laugh by renting a comedy
movie, read funny stories, jokes, join a laughter
therapy, and watch comedy shows.

In order to remove negativity, use the PRT humor

technique, which I call it as the Progressive
Reversal Technique. A simple process of doing the
opposite when facing such situation!

Say, you are afraid of watching horror movies but

one day you took the courage to rent a video from
your nearest store to watch it all alone (Bravo!).

When you start the movie, switch off the volume or

put it under ‘mute’ mode. Switch on your music
player and put on your favorite laughter show. See
the horror movie in front of you and listen
simultaneously the laughter show. How does it feel?

You realize that instead of feeling scared you are

laughing out loudly and having a blast. The horror
images that were supposed to make you scared
changes into funny images for you in your mind.
Your subconscious mind creates scary visual images
in your mind way in advance (even before starting
the horror movie), making you believe that you are
indeed afraid of watching one.

Making even simple changes with humor and

laughter changes the whole scenario. You are
creating different emotion feelings by changing the
visual in your mind. The feelings you are
comfortable with it. It’s just simple as that!

If you are always too scared of something, the

opposite shall make you too happy.

In the same way, if you can approach to all your

problems like getting afraid, scared, worry or fear
about things, do the same by changing the channel
from horror to simple humor and see the difference.
You can even change the appearance of the people
(those people you are actually afraid of) in your
mind creating the funny images and the result will
be immediate. No more problems.

You can share your embarrassing moments; laugh at

your own mistakes. The best way to take yourself
less seriously is to talk about times when you took
yourself too seriously.

When you hear a funny story or a joke, do not keep

it within yourself; share it with someone else to help
you remember it. Whenever you are idle doing
nothing, make a habit to remember some past
humor moments, the joke you have heard, you will
feel always smiling and laughing. Do not allow
your mind to remind you the problems you are
facing and instead fill with humor and happy

You will realize your body image gets changed, you

feel very fresh and energetic near you, you always
get a good vibe and the most important, you don’t
remember your problems.

Most of the time people misinterpret what they want

to say because of ineffective way of communication
but sharing a joke, making others laugh with simple
humor brings you close to them.

Try to avoid negative thinkers; people who discuss

stories, news or conversations which makes you sad
or unhappy. Always bring smiles to your face. You
should smile from your heart instead from lip side

‘I am awfully busy’
‘I’m in a hurry’
‘I just haven’t the time’

I find this statement the most ridiculous one! You

don’t have time for what………..., to live a better
life, to enjoy things which have real values, to
achieve your true goals.

Why do you always like to live life as if you are

running for a marathon race? Is it all about
earning more money? Is it all about who wins the

Let’s admit it. No one has more time than another.

You have the same amount of time in everyday as
everyone else. Every moment that goes by is a time
in our lives. Since our entire existence is composed
of time, it is of the utmost importance that we
consider the emotional significance in how we use

There is no such day-to-day work or the daily

routine which cannot be completed within the time
that exists. In fact, you take a day off from your
regular routine work schedule, take a pen and paper,
write down all your routine works that you need to
complete within a day, double your routine work to
be completed within half of the time, and you will
be surprised that there is still enough time for you to
complete your daily routine work once again. It’s
not about how much time do we have daily, it’s
about how much time do we waste daily.

Balance out all your work, your priority, your

dreams, your leisure activities, hobbies, things
which you have long wished for but since you were
soooooooooooooooo busy (busy only in your
mind), you couldn’t do it.

I know some people always complaint reaching at a

certain age when they are said to throw a party
celebrating their birthday. The complaint: why
should I throw parties at this age (the age may be
around 45 years) when I am aging and reaching to
the near end of my life? I don’t have enough time
left and you want to celebrate that!

It is difficult for them to understand that a birthday

celebration is not about the age or numbers, but
making the day special for all of us because you
were born to the planet earth, you were given a life
which is the god’s best creation and an opportunity
was given to you to enjoy every second, every
moment of your life and breath to the fullest.
Have you ever thought of spending time with
yourself? How?

Surprise yourself by taking a vacation, enjoy the

nature’s beauty, make changes in your daily routine
schedules, stop wasting time by being weak (both
physically and mentally), stop being lazy if you
don’t do anything in life, be lazy if you are always
too busy with your work, make a habit of meeting
your friends, relatives and colleagues.

Spend more time with your wife, kids and you will
be amazed to see that you have achieved so much in
such short span of time by spending time with
yourself and with others.

Do not make a habit of saying that when the time

comes I shall be able to live my dreams. When I get
older or the day I retire from my office or job, I
shall enjoy the life to the fullest. That day never

Believe me, you will regret to say that now,

actually, I don’t have the time……….…………….

Do the things you always wanted NOW, not

tomorrow, not later, not AFTERWARDS. You will
never have more time than you have today.

What is this balanced life? Is it like the balance

sheet of a company, matching the figures with your
positive and negative aspects of life like assets and
liabilities. Or is it to focus on living a healthy
lifestyle to balance with your work schedule.
I believe it is more of a similar pattern like
balancing and aligning four wheels or tyres of your
car. Your car cannot run on a single, two or three
tyres. You need all the four tyres together in equal
shapes and sizes to have a smooth and balance ride.
Each tyre needs to be in perfect shape i.e. round
circle just like the circular ‘WHEEL OF LIFE’.
You can consider four circles of life as physical,
mental, emotional and spiritual. In more similar
sense, you can make your circle as financial,
relationships, health and contribution to consider as
the perfect balance needed in your life. You can
name your four cycles anything which you find is
very important to form a balancing wheel in your
When you finally look into each life circle, you
need to verify whether each circle is balanced in life
with you or not.
Say when you look into relationships, ask yourself:
whether all relationships which are vital in your life,
like with your parents, your siblings, your spouse,
kids, grandparents and others are balanced? Do you
spend time with them to share peace and love with
each other? Are all your relationships have become
a formal and issues related? Do you find you can
improve the relationships just by spending some
more time with them?
Each relationship of yours is unique by nature and
has a different feeling when you are attached to
them. How about your friends, your colleagues at
the workplace, your neighbors, your boss, your staff
members? I can assure you that you do not even
know the name of half of the people living in your
own building.
If you think deeply and try to remember all your
happy moments, you will remember sharing your
life’s best part ONLY with your near ones. If you
are lonely and are away from such relationships due
to your ego behavior or false excuses, your life
becomes miserable and you miss out the most
precious moments leaving behind.
How about your financial wheel? Is it all about
money, money and money? It’s not about just
money; it’s all about not having enough money,
money and money.
The master problem of all your problems and
worries! Have you ever considered saving your
money and spending on things which are actually
necessary? Just to show off or being fashionable in
the view of others, how much money already have
you spent or how much loan you have already taken
or are in debt? Do you have enough skills to make
proper planning before investing?
When you think that money is available to you to
spend only for your actual needs, you will never
face any problem. The greed, the other’s view on
your way of lifestyle, casual judgements creates
financial problems and makes your balance wheel
What about the most neglected wheel i.e. the health
wheel? Do you take care of yourself with proper
food habits? Do you eat slowly and chew your food
well? Do you eat only when you are hungry? Do
you sleep well? Do you enjoy some sort of exercise
to keep your body healthy? Do you keep stress out
of your life, keeping your inner mind in good health
If you treat and respect your body well you will be
able to achieve both inner and outer success in life.
It is not always necessary to keep your body
pumped up but to keep your body clean and hygiene
all the time.
And finally what about the contribution wheel?
Some will argue that they have not been provided
enough and yet you want us to contribute more.
Contribution is always misinterpreted as a medium
of contributing money or donation to the needy
ones. Contribution can also be sharing your positive
ideas, teaching uneducated people, bringing out
happiness in other’s life by any form of medium.
Let me share with you the idea of secret money and
secret donation.
Most of them are having their bank accounts and as
I say their secret money. If you simply ask them,
how much money they have in their account, I am
sure almost all of them shall refuse to answer the
question, would like to keep it secret without
answering or simply would lie about the total
amount by saying much lesser amount from the
actual truth.
Many of them donate their money to some charity
or religious institution as I call them secret
donation. Now if you ask them, how much money
had they donated, almost none of them would like
to keep it as their secret and would proudly inform
the amount and even lie by saying a much higher
amount than the actual truth.
It is all about simple perception.

If teacher stops contributing education, if doctors

stop contributing their expertise on health matters, if
you stop contributing towards humanity, what
would be the condition of the balance of life?
Life balance and personal happiness do not
necessarily depend on earning more money and
being successful at work or in business. Other
things can have a much bigger impact on our well-
The three basic needs of human life are food,
clothes and shelter. But today, in the present
generation, I think the three basic needs of human
life is the power of breathing, the power of mind
and the power of change.
The needs have changed. You don’t know how to
breathe properly, you sure do not know how
powerful is the mind and no way use the power of
change for betterment.
You have all the resources available, yet

You cannot eat properly

You cannot sleep properly

You cannot even breathe properly

Our age and 'life-stage' particularly affect what
makes us happy and balanced, as does our
personality, which stems from our genetic type, and
our up-bringing and life experiences. Life balance is
therefore changing and different. There is no single
model that's right for everyone, and no single
approach is right for anyone for their whole life.
The search for happiness is further complicated
because the factors which most affect our personal
well-being are commonly ignored or given very low
priority in work and training. In schools also, life
balance and personal happiness are largely ignored,
and rarely explored or recommended as worth
Consequently throughout our lives we don't find it
easy to consider properly the issues which actually
determine our own personal life balance and
Like most other things however, life balance and
happiness can be managed and attained, if we know
the components - including our true self - and the
causes of our own well-being.
Life balance can therefore be understood, planned
and achieved, just like any other important aim.

We are constantly aware of what goes on in the

outside world through our five senses. When we are
thinking, dreaming, remembering, memorizing, we
are using these senses internally, which in NLP are
known as representational systems or modalities.
We use these senses to reproduce the information
we gather from the outside sources. Our senses act
as a medium for the input. The representational
systems are:

The visual system: sight

The auditory system: hearing
The kinesthetic system: feeling
The olfactory system: smell
The gustatory system: tasting

We all have five senses through which we can

explore and interpret the world in which we live.

The visual system – sight

Your visual sense handles and decodes all the

information (images) you observe with your eyes
(see), as well as the pictures and mental images you
create within your mind’s eye (imagination).

The auditory system – hearing

Your auditory sense focuses upon the sounds within

your surrounding environment and listens to
information externally through your ears and
internally through your internal dialogue.

The kinesthetic system – feeling

Your kinesthetic sense understands how you feel in

response to your environment, and is operated
through your sense of touch, your internal feelings
and your emotions.

The olfactory system – acknowledges all the

different smells

The gustatory system – recognizes all the various


Success, Performance, Leadership, Achievements,

Instant Decisions, Satisfaction is all you want when
thinking of gaining confidence at the workplace.
How do I compete with others? How do I keep
myself away from the office politics? How to deal
with difficult people at the workplace? How to
handle my boss? How to perform better?

The answer to all these questions is about 3P’s:

Potential: believe in your potential

Performance: keep performing
Patience: have patience

Remind yourself always about how potential you

are; believe in your capabilities, things you can
achieve with your skills. If you find yourself to be
less knowledgeable about any subject but is
required to enhance your career, get into it. Show
your competitors that you are no different from
others. If you can reach to the place where you are
today, with more effort and dedications, you too can
reach the highest peak.
You need to keep performing at your workplace by
maintaining the focus. Do not always think about in
terms of money what I earn today; instead consider
your self-worth about how worthy I am to others at
the workplace? How much worthy shall I be there
in the future considering my knowledge,
experience, and potential as of now?
Do not jump from one career to another, seeing the
way the others do. Have some patience and keep
believing in yourself that in due course of time, you
will reach your goals. Give yourself some time to
bring the best out of you.
When you handle and finish complicated and
difficult tasks, you become more confident and
afterwards handling any tasks seems like any
regular task. You need to come out of your comfort
zone and push yourself with more challenges to
outperform others. Such environment when created
by you brings self-confidence within you.
You should stop apologizing on a continuous basis,
and also stop comparing yourself with others.
Always believe that nobody is perfect and there is
no one who has all the answers. Push yourself
further but do not try to be too hard on yourself.
Always try to enjoy your work or else it will affect
your home environment. No matter how much
pressure you are in to perform or carry the heavy
workload, do not bring stress in your life.
Try to keep yourself away from people who are
mean to you, who are always busy with dirty
politics and wants to tarnish your good image.
There is no need to keep quiet if confronted,
question them the reason of such acts and be
assertive in nature.
Balance your work and home to keep both in
momentum. Do not flood your house with your
work loads and do not bring your home quarrels at
your workplace. If you are happy at both places,
you become the wealthiest person in the whole

I was right.

I am right

I will be always right.

This is the answer you get when you stop looking at

other’s point of view. It’s not about right or wrong;
it’s a simple habit of making others believe that I
always know better than others.

The other reason is avoiding the other’s point of

view i.e. when you are not a good listener. You
always have the habit of coming to a conclusion
without hearing what others have to say.

Such kind of attitude is found mostly with people

who are arrogant, people having the habit of
bossing around and mostly who are over-confident
about themselves.

Just for once try in your mind to be on the receiving

end and think about what you are saying, you will
realize that most of the time you will feel that you
are not making sense of things you said.

It is also necessary to be a good listener, listening to

other’s point of views to reason out the discussion
correctly. The discussion then never turns into any
kind of quarrel or force arguments.

Believe Yourself
Believe You
Be You

To be yourself, don’t worry about yourself. It’s like

somebody else being in charge of the mind in your
own body. When you look at others with yourself in
mind, it’s like using them as a mirror – you try to
see yourself through their eyes and adjust the image

When you’re by yourself, however, there’s nobody

around to impress; no one to analyze. It’s just you,
and because of that, you don’t focus on yourself,
but on what you’re doing. It’s the answer to how to
be yourself all the time.
What are you is because of you and not because of
others. The focus should be on what you want, what
are your own goals, what do you aim for but not
about pleasing others. Stop worrying how others see
to you, how others react on your behavior, what
others think about you? If you stop being yourself,
you become highly insecure.

When you are thinking about being you, do not give

too much importance to your physical appearances
rather focus on your behavior. Are you treating
others badly? Are you behaving in such ways to
hurt sentimental values? Are you constantly
cheating and lying to please others?

In today’s world, it’s not about how much do we lie

everyday but how many times are we honest about
in the whole day? If you see in the mirror and try to
know about yourself, you will feel as you are unable
to realize who the real person is. Improving the
quality of your thought improves your life almost

When you become more mindful, your mind

becomes quieter and you see things more clearly.
You are less likely to speak and act hastily. It
becomes easier and more fun when you begin to
believe in yourself. If you believe you can do
something, you will do it.
Who do you imagine yourself to be? When you
imagine yourself as a good capable confident
person, it becomes easier to think and behave like
one. Once you feel that confidence, ask yourself
how you can use it to make the people around you
feel better as well as yourself.


Visualise yourself, sitting at your desk, on the top

floor of a commercial building; being in stress,
sipping green tea to soothe your mind and finding to
understand where the problems are, and if there is
any what is the solution?

To find out the right solution, you left your office

room, entered the elevator and stopped at each floor
by pressing the button starting from the top floor
and reaching to the ground floor at last. Consider
each floor from top to bottom as the reason of your
problems which you have been asking yourself.

Ask yourself the ‘why?’ until and unless you don’t

reach to the problem. Finding out the problem
means you have reached to the ground floor of the
building i.e. the place and time where the problem
Change the scenario, reason out with your mind by
finding the solution, solve it and once again press
the button of your elevator and reach straight back
at the top floor once again, move ahead to your
office room where now you can sit back and relax
your hot green tea.


Floor 8:

‘I am stressed out!’ - why?

Floor 7:

‘My boss is shouting at me every day.’ - why?

Floor 6:

‘I’m not performing well at the workplace.’ - why?

Floor 5:

‘I’m not visiting many clients every day.’- why?

Floor 4:

‘Most of them are refusing my orders.’ - why?

Floor 3:
‘I have made false promises to them’ - why?

Floor 2:

‘To get more orders and earn commission’ - why?

Floor 1:

‘To spend on a luxury trip with my family.’ - why?

Ground Floor:

‘Last month my neighbour has done so.’ - the problem

The Solution: I shall not take any short cut route

plan to earn money. I don’t need to copy others to
remain happy in future. I shall convince my family
to enjoy the vacation holiday as per my financial
abilities and not to think more about the luxury
holiday destination. I shall be honest to my clients
and work much harder to keep the promises made to

Now, press the button on the elevator and reach to

the top floor directly, enter your office, sit and relax
at your desk, close your eyes and think whether you
were able to find both the problem and its solution.
Whenever you face any problem, DO NOT KEEP
IT WITHIN YOU for a long period, allowing the
problem to climb each and every floor in due course
of time and reaching at the top floor where you have
no other option but to feel stressed, worry and
tensed about the situation.

Donot allow the problems to reach the top floor,

instead, find out the reason of the problem as soon
as possible (when being in ground, first or second
floor) and rectify it with a proper solution. It’s all
about taking the decision and act quickly.

The top floor should be available as office space to

you not as worry space for you.

Enjoy your green tea!


We worry on all occasions – it’s only natural.

However, some people are able to control their
worries and not let them interfere with their lives to
any great extent. Controlling the effect that
worrying has on your mental attitude is a vital
component of maintaining a positive mindset.
Natural worriers always have to have something to
worry. If you’re worrying about everything even
small, it can divert your small worries to major
worries in order to make it worse.


‘I am very worried,’ the man said.

I asked, ‘Why? What happened?’

‘I have been out of job for the last three months. I
have applied to so many interviews, but till date no
luck,’ the man answered.

I asked him once again, ‘If you get selected, will

this be your first job?’

‘No. Third job,’ the young man said.

‘Why do you think you are not getting selected?’ I


He answered the question. ‘I think I am not lucky.’

I asked him again. ‘Do you think you need to be

lucky to get selected for a suitable job? Do you
mean to say that qualifications, expertise,
performance is nothing to do to with selection?’

‘Are you suggesting that the first two jobs you got
selected was because of pure luck?’ I asked him

‘No. I prepared well for the interviews and then I

got selected,’ the man said.

‘Fine, so you admit that it was not luck, but your

confidence and good preparation helped you to pass
through the selections. Why do you think you were
not confident enough this time as the previous two
times?’ I asked.
‘Because after a few rejections in the interview, I
got scared and worried that I shall not be able to do
get the job. Everytime, before entering the interview
room, I get nervous and get stressed out. I always
feel they are asking me tough questions only to
reject me ’ the young man said.

I suggested, ‘The reason for your failure is the

worry not your ability which is making an effect in
your mind just before the interview process begins.
Your unconscious mind sends signals of failure to
you and when you enter the interview room your
body language reacts the same way your inner mind

I continued suggesting, ‘Stop worrying about it. Do

not get disappointed. Just take it easy. Now do as I

‘Just sit back and relax now, close your eyes and
visualize that you have already reached the location
where you are about to appear for your interview.
You are surprised to see that you are the only
candidate applying for the job as you don’t see
anybody else. You enter the interview room when
your name is called upon with your positive body
language, and a big smile on your face.’

‘This time, you are been asked the questions which

you feel you have all the perfect answer. You
confidently finish your interview process and wait
for the result outside.’

‘You are happy to hear that you have got the job.
You feel positive, energetic and excited.’ Play this
visual many times in your mind before appearing
for your interview and I am sure success will be
there for you.’

‘Do not prepare the result in your mind well in

advance that you have not been selected. Even if
you are not selected, do not consider it as waste of

‘Think of it as a learning process; learn not to make

the same mistakes in your next interview. Do not
worry about the result. Reason out with your mind
that I have been selected for my job twice before
and I can do it again easily, without any worry. You
will automatically see the result.’

‘Don’t worry. Be happy!’ I smiled.


I am not pretty enough.

I am not fit enough.

I am not handsome enough.

I am not tall enough.

Nothing is enough for you. But I truly accept one



What is this Perfection or about the perfect look?

What is the real meaning of the perfect look? Can
you define the perfect look? Why are we all so
obsessed about it?
Think about yourself as the first human being on the
planet earth with a normal physical body created by
God with two eyes, two ears, hands, legs, lips, nose
and so on. After creating thousands of them,
decided to make some changes. Next batch lot of
human being shall have one big eye in the middle,
three noses, one ear and four hands and four legs.
How weird is that? Isn’t it weird enough for you
thinking about even for a second? According to you,
which one is a normal physical appearance the
former or the latter?

How would you feel, having this perfect body shape

from outside, but from inside, a person very mean,
habit of hurting others, arrogant and abrasive?
Would you like to spend time with such kind of

Say you are given a choice to choose any one of the

options given to you. Have the perfect body shape;
perfect face, perfect hands & legs, the perfect size
and figure; or the option of breathing. Which one
will you choose?

Remind yourself what is more important whenever

you criticize yourself with this perfection.

Hence, next time, when you stand in front of a

mirror, enjoy yourself by saying, ‘I am happy to see
myself again. Thank you that I exist with my body. I
know I have more important things in life rather
than just getting obsessed with perfection.’

Why do we need this perfection?

We believe perfection will protect us. We can

become as addicted to the pursuit of perfection as
we can be addicted to any other destructive
behavior. So, stop judging about the perfect look.
There is no shame in having different body shape
and figure. Stop blaming yourself for not being
perfect. Stop getting addicted to Perfection. Stop
hurting yourself. When you stop doing this, you will
see a big change within you instantly, you become
more confident.I know that I mentioned earlier,
Confidence = Change; making changes in the
appearance from outside too. But the changes in
appearance means to keep yourself presentable,
clean and hygiene, and the most important healthy.
For me that is the real change.

How real are ‘reality’ shows aired in your favorite

television channels? How come people in these
shows have to look beautiful all the time right from
the early wake up till sleeping time?

Open any newspaper, TV ads, magazines or any

media form; everywhere you will see artificially
created beauty which looks absolutely perfect. Why
do you forget the word ‘acting’ where the selected
cast members needs to perform in front of a camera
with their perfection in order to entertain you, keep
you engaged all the time. But is it real?

Such visual of perfection sends signal to your mind,

make you believe that these fancy looking artificial
life is real. It seems irresistible and brings out the
deepest insecurity within you.

To live in a real world, you don’t need to live in

the dreamy unreal perfect atmosphere.


‘From tomorrow onwards I shall ………..’

‘From tomorrow onwards I shall ………..’

‘From tomorrow onwards I shall ………..’

That tomorrow never comes. The excuses are

always ready. To do a simple task or achieve tough
goals, it all starts and ends in tomorrow. It actually
never begins from Today or Now, just to avoid
taking responsibilities.

You are not going to achieve goals or get success if

you are not confident enough in taking
responsibilities for your life. You get more focused
when you are responsible and closer to your
success. The basic reason for making excuses is to
accept the reality: to make changes.

You are always thinking in your mind about things I

shall do in future but the action is never taken. Only
if you take actions, there shall be a result.

If you are successful, you become more confident in

taking more actions to your thinking. If you fail in
getting success, do not repeat the same mistakes
while taking actions once again. Try this time in a
different way.

People who are weak and lazy tend to make excuses

very often. There are some people who also tend to
make excuses when they face failure; it becomes
too difficult for them to accept the fact that they can
fail too and start blaming others by pointing out the
faults and reasons.

Sometimes focusing more on your long goals which

are far away right now to achieve, breaks your
momentum and patience, and you start making
excuses & divert your focus on to some other path.
It is always better to break the long goals into short
ones and climb the ladder step by step. This will
always help you to keep your focus on your goals
and to achieve within your deadline.

Excuses won’t get you anywhere at all. Instead,

they are a terrible distraction which takes your focus
off of your most important tasks and, reduces your
confidence and self belief. So, stop making excuses
and face your challenges head on. You will be more
empowered, more confident and more successful.

‘Excuse me! Can we get on to the next part.’


Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. But it’s

unhealthy and dangerous to you and to some others
when it is out of control. The emotion of anger is
neither good nor bad but rather a problem. It is
simply a way of conveying you the message that a
situation is upsetting and threatening.

Being angry is to respond aggressively. When you

are too angry, you may feel that it gets out of
control and you start shouting or reacting to others.
It starts with a logic explanation in a louder form
but ends up in a threatening way illogically.

The feeling is not instant but keeps boiling inside

within you for quite some time and then the reaction
happens in the form of an unaccepted behavior.
Anger may cause hypertension, high blood pressure,
or depression.

What makes them to react this way? A number of

things actually. One of the reasons may be genetic
or physiological. There is evidence that some
children are born irritable, and easily angered, and
that these signs are present from a very early age.

Another may be socio-cultural. Anger is often

regarded as negative feeling; we're taught that it's
all right to express anxiety, depression, or other
emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we
don't learn how to handle it or channel it

Research has also found that family background

also plays an important role on such anger issues.
Typically, people who are easily angered come from
families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled
at emotional communications.

There are many ways you can overcome your anger

issues. Deep, slow breathing helps counteract rising
tension. The key is to breathe deeply from the
abdomen, getting as much fresh air as possible into
your lungs. A brisk walk around the block is a great
idea. It releases pent-up energy so you can approach
the situation with a cooler head. Take advantage of
the relaxing power of your sense (the five senses) of
sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste. You might try
listening to music to calm you down inside.


‘You have no idea how difficult it is…..’

‘It’s not as simple as you think’

I know, I know. It’s complicated. Why? Because


Can I live a simple, modest life? No, it’s complicated.

Can I laugh and smile forever? No, it’s complicated.

Can I help & take care of others? No, it’s complicated.

Okay, How about hurting others? Yes you can. How

about harassing others? Yes you can. How about
lying and cheating? Of course you can. Thank
God! There are some things in life which are not

I can understand now why having a moderate, easy,

and better life is so difficult to achieve?


‘Are you happy?’ I asked.

‘No, it’s complicated,’ he said.
‘Why?’ I asked.
‘I am facing many problems’ he said.
‘If I grant you a wish which will remove all your
problems, would you then be happy?’ I asked him
‘No, it’s complicated,’ he said.
‘Why?’ I asked.
‘The problems may vanish for sometime but when it
will return back, it is going to be more hurtful’ he
‘How about I remove your problems permanently
forever, would you then be happy?’ I asked him.
‘No, it’s complicated,’ he said.
‘Now WHY?’ I asked him angrily.
‘Because then I shall be the only person with no
problems and the rest of the world will be busy with
their problems. Everybody will ignore me, will get
jealous of me and will try to stay far away from me.
What is the point of such happiness?’ he answered
‘I give up my friend. I feel like I am not happy
now.’ I said.
He said, ‘I told you right from the beginning.
Welcome to my world. It’s complicated.’
If you are single but in a relationship it gets even
more complicated.
‘I am in love with but am not interested in marrying
him / her.’
‘I want to spend time with him / her but do not want
to restrict my freedom.’
‘I am ready to do anything for him / her but
spending my whole life with one person is very
And if you are married, the complaints towards
each other are even more.
Couples grow apart, experience less satisfaction,
and are more irritable with each other. When
couples don’t spend enough quality time together,
they begin to get bored in their relationship. A lack
of fun and sharing can lead them to think there is
something wrong with their marriage. This leads to
confusion about their feelings. They start wondering
whether they have fallen out of love.

How come you will be in love if you don’t spend

time with each other, bring out the passion and fire
you once had for each other. Investing in a
relationship takes time and work. Relationships that
are neglected grow weak and become routine.

How satisfied are you with your marriage? How

much quality time do you spend with your partner?
What enjoyable things you do together for

If you devote most of your extra time and attention

towards work only, your relationship will suffer. We
see this with workaholics. Whether their work is
their passion or an escape, it becomes their top
priority at all costs.

Their spouses and children feel the effects and it

damages the most precious gift they are blessed
with: family. Anything that comes first in a
person’s life can get out of balance and become an
idol. It can be an addiction such as pornography or
drugs. It can be can an interest or hobby such as
sports or entertainment. If a relationship is a top
priority, more quality time and attention needs to be
devoted to it.
With many responsibilities at work, home, and
school, it is no wonder that many are stressed.
Without enough time for rest and relaxation, stress
can lead to burnout and irritability as well as
relationship and health problems. Reducing stress
not only improves ones outlook and energy, it
improves relationships.

A calm and peaceful state of being brings out the

best in us. We are more patient, kind, and content. Is
stress weighing on your marriage? What are you
doing to manage stress?

How to overcome and handle stress will be

discussed in the next part, but make your life simple
and to maintain both your home and work
relationship effective, get hold of proper time
management and make things simpler.
And stop saying, It’s complicated……

Stress is a normal function of everyday life. It

comes from the pressure we feel in life, as we are
pushed by any task that puts undue pressure on our
mind and body, adrenaline is released, extends stay
of the hormones causes depression, a rise in the
blood pressure and other negative changes and

Stress is the response we feel when we are

frightened or threatened. Stress can raise your blood
pressure, increasing the likelihood of a stroke in the
distant future. Constant aches and pains, anxiety,
crying, over or under eating, frequent infections are
signs you may notice which indicate you may be
under stress.

Stress is commonly associated with how badly

people cope with changes in their lives – at home,
within the family, at work or in social situations.
Stressful work situations arising from, like poor
physical working environments, isolated working
situations, opportunities for communication
between colleagues and continuous harassment
from managers or your boss to meet deadlines can
have direct effects on job performance.

Adopting unhealthy way methods of coping with

stress may work temporarily but in the long run
they will further cause additional problems. Habits
like smoking, drinking too much alcohol, drugs,
overeating should be avoided while handling stress.

Regular simple habits like daily exercise, healthy

food habits and proper sleep can help you to combat
stress in your life.

Relaxation techniques like meditation, yoga,

breathing exercises, listening to soothing music,
reading, even a soothing cup of green tea can help
you to manage your stress level.

The major symptom of stress is anxiety. Anxiety

causes an imbalance in your life whereby all of the
mental worry creates a top heavy sensation.
Common indicators of excessive anxiety include
rapid heartbeat, feeling unreal, anger, and inability
to concentrate. Many people who suffer from
anxiety disorders occupy their minds with excessive

Visualization is simply a tool you can use to

overcome anxious thoughts and feelings. Try to use
all your senses when carrying out the visualization


Do you feel nervous before attending an important

meeting, thinking about giving presentation, giving
public speech in front of strangers, appearing for
your interview, even going out on your first casual

Why? You are afraid of the result. You are scared of

other’s expectation. You may feel like everybody is
watching and judging you. You are afraid of facing
the fake reality. The reality cropping in your mind
that I am imperfect, and I am inferior at everything.

Your hands and legs starts trembling, your heart

beats becomes very fast, you start coughing
unknowingly, starts feeling feverish and
uncomfortable as if you are not with yourself
anymore. The reason for such outcomes is your
primary senses that starts reacting in a negative
way. When the focus is more on things for which
you are the least confident about it, you start feeling

I was good at playing synthesizer at my young age.

Once, at the age of thirteen, I was given a chance to
perform at an auditorium in front of two hundred
strange people (my audience).

When the time came for me to perform, I got

nervous, my hands started trembling, and felt some
pain in my stomach. Somehow I reached the stage,
started playing the instrument but kept my head
down, looking only at the musical keys without
watching towards the audience.

I played and completed my performance. At the end

finding courage within myself, I kept my head
straight to see in front and also to find the reaction
of audience for my performance. I couldn’t see a
single person’s face. It was so dark and the only
thing I could hear was the applause.

That was the last day I felt being tensed, worried or

nervous about any performance. I always used to
visualize in my mind that there is no audience in
front, and I am performing alone where all the seats
are empty. I was able to focus more on my
performance rather than other’s expectation. I used
to enjoy it and my performance excelled in the
future. The nervous part was gone!

Say, if you are in a classroom with other students

and your teacher asks you to join a debate on a
particular subject right now; at first you are
surprised and then starts feeling tensed immediately.
You stammer, get scared while performing at the
very first time.

Due to your nervousness, you performed badly; say,

few minutes later, again, you are given a second
chance to speak on the same subject and in front of
the same students, you will be surprised to see that
you performed much better this time from the
previous perfromance and with more confidence.
And if you are given few more chances to perform
on the same subject, your performance will improve
even better. The reason: the audience is no more a
stranger to you in your mind and the expectation
from you is getting lesser.

But are you nervous and tensed all the time? NO.

Let us take the same scenario of performing on a

debate in your classroom on a particular subject.
But this time let us make the number of audience
(i.e. other students) much smaller and according to
your own choice.
Now in the audience there are people whom you
meet and talk to them every day; your parents, your
friends, your brother or sister, your grandparents.
People with whom you are comfortable and
confident to speak about anything on a regular
basis. You will see that the nervousness is no more
with you and your performance is as good as you
wished for.

How will you feel when I say you can be a great

speaker or leader when speaking in front of a very
big and large audience? You won’t believe me. Yes,
you can.

The only thing you need (yes definitely the

knowledge on the subject) is to visualize it
positively. A day before or even few days before
actually giving the speech (for the beginners), sit
down in your room, close your eyes and visualize
positively that you have given a wonderful speech.

Feel the positive response you are getting, applauds

and cheerful sounds of your performance. Start
feeling excited and energetic about it with a big
smile in your face and play this moment in your
mind many times before actually giving the speech.

On a real time, when you complete giving the

speech, you will see that the same result is achieved
as what you have been dreaming before. It’s all
about keeping your focus on the positive side,
keeping your brain on a loop that I am performing
exceptionally well. The now becomes the same as
before. You will feel more confident and relaxed.

When you have enough experience to perform in

front of big audiences in future, you just need to
visualize few minutes before the speech like great
leaders do rather than few days before. The basic
truth is, in today’s world people think more about
themselves rather thinking about others. If everyone
in the world feels nervous, thinking others are
watching them, then who is watching whom?

What is this being too nice all about? Do you think

the world is full of nice people? Are you being
treated the same way as ‘too nice’ in return, the way
you treat them?

It is always opposite in real world. People to whom

you are too nice, in fact they are never nice to you.
The reason; they don’t respect you, and even you
don’t respect yourself.

The result: you feel rejected, suffocated and less

confident about yourself. Most of the time you feel
like giving, giving and giving! It will make you
exhausted as you stop caring for yourself physically.
The expectation from you by others will increase
and since because of your too nice attitude they
would want you to do everything for them.
Fulfilling other’s needs and rejecting your own
makes you weak, incapable of your own abilities
and less confident about yourself.

If you really want to be more kind and giving; try

more to be a little LESS nice! Being too nice to
others also proves that you are afraid of being
rejected by others. If you are bad to them and in the
same way they behave with you badly, you start
feeling very bad about yourself. People will take
advantage of you and will not care about you when
you have the habit of just giving. Seeing your needs
fulfilled, limiting yourself and setting some
boundaries does not mean you don’t feel nice about
others. Like others, it makes you aware that your
needs are also important too.

How can people appreciate you if you cannot

appreciate yourself?
The reason for people coming to you shall be only
when they really need something from you.
You will be used as a mere need tool to fulfill their
demands and requests. You may face arguments or
get into quarrels when you refuse to accept their
requests with a simple no because you are treated
with so called ‘too nice’ types.
Have you ever tried to find out what is the opinion
of others about you? If you actually find out, people
will consider you as weak, someone who has
nothing to do with his own life, with no needs.
And that is actually true. When you start taking care
only of others you stop caring and being kind to
When you start asking others to help you out, you
will see most of the time they will come up with
reasons that such requests are unrealistic and
difficult for them to fulfill. This makes you both
angry and depressed and you start feeling less
confident about yourself.
Being too nice can lead other people to see you as
being weak. Not only can this result in other people
taking advantage of you, but it can also lead people
to not see you as a strong leader or authority.
Very few people are truly nice, when you are too
nice, people will wonder if you have an ulterior
motive. You are likely to be met with mistrust,
which will lead to difficulties in establishing
When you are not able to see your own value within
yourself, you are more likely to engage in
addiction-type behaviors in order to deal with stress.
While it is great to be nice, giving too much and not
establishing boundaries will limit–not increase–your
ability to be kind to those around you. Value
yourself first, and you will begin to value everyone
else around you.



Why was I having the problem?

‘Control your own destiny or someone else will’
Jack Welch

We have already understood about the future and

the present i.e. why do we need the confidence, how
to achieve it and overcome the problem? Now
comes the part with the root cause: Why was I
having the problem? It is to look into the past and
to find out the reasons behind the problem.

It is not accurately decided, but in most of the cases

the problem starts from the childhood period and if
changes are not made at the very early age, it
remains with you forever till your last breath.

I have focused more on childhood age and the

teenage period because the problem begins and
takes a bigger shape in these age periods. If you
find problems at your adult age or at much older
age, there is no point in looking back and wasting
time; make the effort to start making changes
immediately i.e. from now onwards. You will find
sooner that the problems are basic and can be

There are three stages of life (leaving the infant age

& old age just for now);

Child age: age from seven till fifteen

Teen age: age from sixteen till twenty-five

Adult age: twenty- six onwards

Each stages of life exist with different level of

confidence and self-esteem within them. The day a
child start imagining things is the day of its
realization. Slowly the child starts realizing whether
being bold or shy, smart or weak, brave or coward
and start learning to know about its own personality.

The three patterns: personality, beliefs and habits

comes into existence. The fruit of both positive and
negative behaviors starts getting produced at the
very early stage.

To have a happy life both mentally and socially, self

esteem within a child is very important right from
the beginning till the end of its lifetime. It’s all
about the way a child feels affects the way it acts.


A kid likes to see himself in the mirror and feels

relaxed and comfortable seeing his own image. A
child is always seeking for love and looking for

If you raise a confident child that grows up with a

healthy self-worth, it means having a realistic
understanding of its strengths and weaknesses,
enjoying the strengths and working on its

Throughout life, a child is exposed to positive and

negative influences. A positive effect like giving
self confidence to the child gives them the energy
and courage to achieve anything in life. But when
they are criticized continuously, they start to doubt
their own capabilities.

When a child is compared with other kids all the

time, it challenges their self-esteem and sends a
negative signal; you are not smart and confident.
This happens even when they are compared with

When a child is imposed with unrealistic

expectations, it becomes difficult for them to meet
those expectations, and fail in achieving them. They
start realizing that they are incapable and if they
have to prove again and again they will fail in future
also. Such negative feelings get into the core of
their mind.

You become a parent because you wish to have a

baby of your own, to love & take care for him / her,
and to enjoy the best moments of your life.
Remember, a child’s self-esteem is acquired but not
inherited. So if you had low self-confidence when
you were a child; rectify and heal them

A child always looks up to you for his own feelings.

If you are unhappy, worried or facing problems, it
can get transfer to your child too. Children translate
your unhappiness with yourself to mean
unhappiness with them. Even infants know they are
supposed to please their parents.
As they get older, they may even come to feel
responsible for their parents’ happiness. If you are
experiencing serious problems with depression or
anxiety, seek help so that you can resolve these
feelings before they affect your child.

Do you reflect positive or negative images to your

child? Do you tell her that she’s fun to be with? Do
you make her believe that her opinions and desires
matter to you the most? When you give your child
positive reflections, she learns to think well of
herself. She relies on you, feels protected and tells
about her feelings when her own behavior is not
pleasing. When you bring negative conditions by
avoiding your child’s opinion, desires and reacts
negatively on her behavior, she gets into her own
shell and starts getting a feeling that it is better not
to discuss with you the way she feels. This begins
the chapter of low self-esteem in her life.

It is not possible for any parent or adult to be

always happy or keep smiling to their kids even
when feeling down. Make her realize that due to
some reason you are unhappy or stressed out today.
When you feel sensitive about her feeling, the same
will bounce back to you in a positive way. When
you bring her close to yourself, she may be the first
one to cheer you to make you feel much better.

Have you ever wondered why most young children

have a natural instinct to learn? They seem to have
an in-built curiosity about things they see and hear
around them. In most cases, they’re prepared to
‘have a go’ and try something out in order to satisfy
this instinct. It’s true that some children are
naturally shy, but normally even they will
eventually take a step forward and try something
that interests them.

Young children seem to have a natural self-belief

and determination that drives a dynamo inside them.
So what’s changed between then and now? Why
does this dynamo that used to drive us now seem so
slow? In some of us it may have been jammed as
time has moved on and we’ve matured. To start to
feel and act more confidently, you need to get it
working again.

As a child, you had no inhibitions. You wanted to

learn new things and to tackle new challenges, even
when these challenges were quite daunting. Trying
new things was exciting as a child.

You didn’t fear failure, you probably didn’t even

think about failing. Your childhood experience was
more of a positive, enthusiastic, focused and
motivated feel to it. If you could do this as a child,
there’s no reason why you can’t do the same as an
adult. There should be no reason why you can’t
learn new skills now. The difficulty is that as we
mature, other issues start to cloud our judgement.
We start to wonder what others might think, we start
to worry about failing, we start to question our
decisions, and we decide that it would be safer to
stay as we are.

Try telling yourself that nothing has changed since

you were young – yes you’ve grown up and
matured physically, but in terms of your mindset,
nothing has changed. Why are you letting those
things that didn’t bother you then bother you now?

If you are successful, you want to be unique as an

individual, forcing others to believe not to copy him
/ her and have their own individuality in order to be
a successful one. The day you find somebody more
successful than yourself, you want to forget about
your own individual uniqueness, follow everything
he / she have in the present whether good or bad,
positive or negative in order to be on the same page
with them. Without delay, you start becoming from
an individual to a mere someone from the crowd.


The teenage period is all about attractions. It’s all

about feeling attracted towards physical appearance;
how to look, how to dress, to know about facial
expression, the part of masculine in a male, the part
of feminine in females.

It’s all about feeling like as a grown up, the freedom

to be treated as adults, and that the restriction has
been almost waived off.

Two things teenagers are always busy with:

attraction towards opposite sex and attractions of
things they are capable of (studies, sports, and
As a teenager, you may be known as mood
swingers; at one time you feel good about yourself
and the next time you are sad and tearful.

Teenager life is known to be ‘the best years of

life,’ because you develop many new relationships
like school buddies, home buddies, online buddies
and special buddies. Your first crush towards your
teacher, the first special girl, your interest in
particular subjects, getting better in any of the
sports or extracurricular activities, trying to figure
out your goals for future, finding out more about
your strength and weaknesses, and finally start
believing in yourself.

The teenage period can even be ‘the worst years of

life’ if you are faced with huge expectations from
your parents to do well in your education, loads of
pressure from teacher to perform better and endless
home works to be completed. The change in
hormones and puberty where it becomes difficult to
understand why there are pimples sprouting in my
face, the smell from the armpits and the start of
bleeding (females) on a monthly basis too.

The most difficult part to escape at teenage life is

handling trauma because of bullying and saving the
embarrassing part to have your own privacy. You
like to enjoy the freedom but yet you are always
treated like kids and such act of behavior irritates
you and sets a gap between you and your parents.

As a teenager, always try to focus on a simple

living, do not think in terms of your moods, think of
attraction just as a phase and choose your friends
and other relationships wisely. As a parent, always
try to find out more about their problems, start
thinking that they are growing so instead of
becoming intimidating parents just try to become
their best friend. Do not forget:

You were once a teenager

THE 4C’s



You have set the goals, found out what are the
problems, how to overcome them and the reason for
having such problems. To gain confidence, self-
esteem or recover from any problem, you should
always remember this 4C technique:

Confidence: Bring out confidence in you. Do not

think about it twice. Feel the energy, the power you
have. Do it positively and you shall see the result.
Change: Always make the necessary changes
within yourself for betterment. The change may be
small or big but the impact will always be better for
you. Make changes step by step.

Confusion: Don’t allow your mind to confuse you.

Whenever a negative thinking crops in your mind,
just switch off the thinking process, change it
through visualization and other techniques before it
begins to confuse your mind.

Choice: The most important to remember: ‘You

always have a choice’. Life is full of surprises and
it is a complex world. But there is no problem in
existence without the solution. No matter how deep
problem you are facing always try to remember that
I can solve it because I have a choice.

If you think that somehow you feel better and are

ready to make changes, just say: