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Music by

A.J. HOLMES

Lyrics by
KALEY MCMAHON

Book by
MATT LANG, NICK LANG and ERIC KAHN GALE

OPENING NIGHT SCRIPT PROPERTY OF:


July 4th, 2013 StarKid Productions
Greenhouse Theatre Center
2257 N Lincoln Ave
Chicago, IL 60614
1

CHARACTERS

JA'FAR, the Royal Vizier

THE PRINCESS

ALADDIN, a thief

SHERREZADE, a storyteller and Ja'far's wife

PRINCE ACHMED, from the land of Pik-Zahr

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD

ABDUL, a guard (also plays his twin brother BAFOOL)

FORMER ROYAL VIZIER

THE SULTAN

GAZEEM, another thief

THE DJINN (Genie of the Lamp)

CITIZENS:
BAKER
MOTHER
LIBRARIAN
BELLE
ORPHAN BOY AND GIRL
BREADSELLER
LAUNDRESS
PREGNANT GIRL
PREGNANT GIRL'S FATHER
2 SLAVE GIRLS
GROCER
OMAR
JEWELER
OTHER PEASANTS AND MERCHANTS

GUARDS

ASSISTANT VIZIERS
VILLAINS:
ACHMED'S SOLDIERS URSULA
SCAR
PUPPETS: GASTON
PARROT MALEFICENT
MONKEY CAPTAIN HOOK
SCARAB CRUELLA DE VIL
2

MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT ONE

1 Prologue Sherrezade
2 Dream a Little Harder Ja'far and Citizens
2a Dream a Little Harder -- Playoff Orchestra
2b Aladdin's Entrance Orchestra
3 I Steal Everything Aladdin and Citizens
3a I Steal Everything -- Playoff Orchestra
4 Everything and More Princess
4a Everything and More -- Playoff Orchestra
5 Sands of Time Ja'far
5a The Golden Rule Ja'far and Citizens
6 The Golden Rule (Evil Reprise) Vizier and Assistants
6a Evil Reprise -- Playoff Orchestra
6b The Scarab Orchestra
7 A Thousand and One Nights Sherrezade and Ja'far
7a Sultan Fanfare Orchestra
7b She's My Wife Now Orchestra
8 If I Believed Ja'far
9 Orphaned at Thirty-Three Aladdin
10 Ja'far Is a Monster Orchestra
11 Happy Ending Ja'far, Aladdin, Princess
11a Act I Finale Orchestra

ACT TWO

12 Entr'acte Orchestra
13 No One Remembers Achmed Achmed and Soldiers
13a No One Remembers Achmed -- Playoff Orchestra
14 A Song Is a Dick In Sheep's Clothing Ja'far
14a Aladdin's Second Entrance Orchestra
15 Take Off Your Clothes Aladdin and Princess
15a Take Off Your Clothes -- Playoff Orchestra
16 Aladdin's Third Entrance Orchestra
16a Not Sorcery, Chemistry Orchestra
17 Twisted Ja'far and Villains
17a Army March Orchestra
18 Djinn Fanfare Orchestra
19 The Battle Orchestra
19a Ja'far's Epiphany Orchestra
19b Aladdin's Monologue Orchestra
19c Ja'far's Final Wish Orchestra
20 The Power in Me Ja'far and Princess
20a Everyone Is a Princess Orchestra
20b The Lovers Reunited Orchestra
20c Aladdin's Ending Orchestra
21 A Thousand and One Nights (Reprise) Ja'far, Sherrezade, Company
22 Bows/Exit Music Orchestra
I-1-3

ACT ONE
SCENE 1

(Lights Up on SHERREZADE, the storyteller)

#1 -- Prologue

SHERREZADE
Once upon a time… In a faraway land, there was a magic kingdom that prospered
through its commitment to two simple ideas: duty and devotion. The Two D's. For many
years the kingdom stood as a shining beacon for artisans, craftsmen, and storytellers who
all flocked to the land with a dream to uphold the sacred Two D's. Through their hard
work, a glorious golden age came to the kingdom. Followed by a second -- even greater
than the first! Then…came the dark times. The kingdom came into the hands of an evil
sultan, and through his negligence the kingdom fell to ruin. The happiest place on earth
…became the crappiest place on earth. Despite the efforts of one man. A man with a
dream. To restore the kingdom to its former glory and bring about the prophesized third
golden age. A misunderstood man. This is his story -- the untold story of a royal vizier!

(Lights Out on SHERREZADE and Up on JA'FAR, in the


village streets reading a book)

#2 -- Dream a Little Harder

JA'FAR
I LOOK AROUND THE KINGDOM
AND SEE THE DESPARATION
AND THE DEVASTATION THAT PERSISTS
NO MATTER WHAT I DO
BUT TODAY COULD BE THE DAY
I FINALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE
AND ALL THE GRATEFUL CITIZENS WILL SAY TO ME:

(Enter the CITIZENS)

CITIZENS
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!

BAKER (Nick)
Fuck you, Ja'far!

JA'FAR
Good morning, baker!

BAKER
Where are you off to today, you no good piece of shit?

(JA'FAR'S PARROT flies in)


I-1-4

PARROT (Denise)
Squawk! Piece of shit!

BAKER
(Not seeing the PARROT, to JA'FAR)
What did you just call me, you bastard?

JA'FAR
No, friend! I said nothing! That was my bird. He has the ability to repeat words that
others have spoken.

BAKER
In that case, why not teach him these words: "Fuck you, Ja'far."
(Calls Off)
Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up!

MALE CITIZEN (Robert)


WHY DON'T WE HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT?

BAKER
WHY ARE WE DYING IN THE STREET?

MOTHER (Jaime Lyn)


WHY DOES MY BABY ALWAYS CRY?

ORPHAN (Lauren)
WHY DID MY MOMMY HAVE TO DIE?

CITIZENS
MINE TOO
MINE TOO
MINE TOO, MINE TOO, MINE TOO!

MALE CITIZEN
THE ANSWER HERE IS CRYSTAL CLEAR
JA'FAR, THAT UGLY OLD VIZIER
HE'S THE REASON FOR OUR MANY WOES

OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN (Alex)


THOUGH WE'RE UPSET, WE SHOULDN'T FRET
WE MUSTN'T LET OUR SELVES FORGET
THE SAYING EVERY CHILD RAISED WITHIN THE KINGDOM KNOWS:

YOU'VE GOT TO DREAM A LITTLE HARDER


WHEN LIFE WON'T GO YOUR WAY
SIMPLY DREAM A LITTLE HARDER
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT WHEN YOU
DREAM A LITTLE HARDER
YOU'RE SURE TO FOLLOW THROUGH
I-1-5

(OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN)
'CAUSE IF YOU'RE GOOD AND YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE
NO NEED TO BE PROACTIVE

CITIZENS
GOOD THINGS WILL JUST HAPPEN TO YOU!

JA'FAR
(Entering the bookstore)
I've come to return the book I borrowed!

LIBRARIAN (Joseph)
Oh, Ja'far! It took you long enough, you shit-eating dog.

JA'FAR
I couldn't put it down! It's one of my favorites! The story of a misunderstood witch
who's really not wicked at all. She's just green! But she still gets blamed for all the
kingdom's problems.

LIBRARIAN
Oh, so you think you're better than me just because you can read? Well get out of my
bookstore, we don't like your kind here anyway.

JA'FAR
But what about the book?

LIBRARIAN
Keep it. And may the rats ejaculate upon you.

JA'FAR
Thank you! Thank you very much!

BAKER
WHY IS THE KINGDOM PLAGUED BY THEFT?

LIBRARIAN
WHY ARE THERE NO MORE GOOD JOBS LEFT?

MOTHER
WHY DOES THE SUN GO DOWN AT NIGHT?

ORPHAN
WHY IS EVERYONE IN THE KINGDOM WHITE?

CITIZENS
Um… Uh… Er… Mostly Welsh… Ja'far?
(Sung)
JA'FAR!
JA'FAR!
JA'FAR!
I-1-6

MALE CITIZEN
NO MAN WHO'S JUST COULD EVER TRUST
A FACE THAT TRIGGERS SUCH DISGUST

MOTHER
HIS TWISTED FEATURES GIVE ME SUCH A CHILL

(ALL shudder)

OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN
SO LET US PRAY THAT ONE FINE DAY
THAT EVIL MAN WILL GO AWAY

CITIZENS
'CAUSE IF WE WANT IT BAD ENOUGH HE WILL!

OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN
FOR IF YOU…

MALE CITIZEN 2 (Jeff)


DREAM A LITTLE HARDER

OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN
YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU DESIRE

FEMALE CITIZEN (Meredith)


DREAM A LITTLE HARDER

OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN
WHEN THINGS ARE LOOKING DIRE
IF YOU DREAM A LITTLE HARDER
SUCCESS IS GUARANTEED
IF YOU ARE SURE OF YOUR INTENTIONS
SOME MAGIC INTERVENTION

CITIZENS
WILL GIVE YOU THE EDGE THAT YOU NEED

(JA'FAR passes BELLE, also reading a book, and bumps


into her)

JA'FAR
Oh! Pardon me, madam.

BELLE (Jaime Lyn)


Oh, that's all right. Just try to keep your fat face out of that motherfucking book.

JA'FAR
I KNOW THAT I'M NO PRIZE
I'M NOT SO EASY ON THE EYES
I-1-7

(JA'FAR)
I CAN'T RELY ON LOOKS TO GET ME BY
BUT UGLINESS PERMITS A MAN TO USE HIS WITS
'CAUSE PRETTY PEOPLE NEVER HAVE TO TRY
I HEAR THE PEOPLE WHISPER AS I WALK ABOUT THE STREETS
I KNOW THEY CALL ME –

CITIZENS
UGLY OLD JA'FAR!

JA'FAR
WHAT I CALL PLANNING, THEY CALL SCHEMING
WHAT I CALL DELUSION, THEY CALL DREAMING
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THINGS AS THEY ARE?

CITIZENS
WISH A LITTLE STRONGER BELLE
I NEED SIX EGGS
JA'FAR
WHY NOT BUY SOME? CITIZENS
HOPE A LITTLE BIGGER
BAKER
I WANT TO FLY JA'FAR
THAT'S UNREALISTIC
CITIZENS
THINK A LITTLE LOUDER LIBRARIAN
I WANT TO BE A CAT

JA'FAR
What?

LIBRARIAN
Fuck you!

CITIZENS
WHISTLE WHILE YOU SWALLOW
A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR
AND YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE UPON A STAR

MALE CITIZEN
DREAM HARD ENOUGH, MY FRIEND
JA'FAR WILL MEET A VIOLENT END
HE COULD BE SKEWERED BY A SAILING SHIP

MALE CITIZEN 2
OR HANGED IN TANGLED JUNGLE VINES

OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN
OR EATEN BY HYENAS
I-1-8

BAKER
OR HE'LL PLUMMET TO HIS DEATH FROM A CASTLE

MALE CITIZEN
A CLOCK

CITIZENS
OR A CLIFF
AND IF WE DREAM A LITTLE HARDER
OUR PATIENCE AND OUR ARDOR
WILL RID US OF THAT UGLY OLD JA'FAR!
FUCK YOU!

#2a -- Dream a Little Harder -- Playoff

(The CITIZENS exit, flicking JA'FAR off)

JA'FAR
Wonderful! That was wonderful!

(JA'FAR and the PARROT are alone in a secluded area of


the village)

JA'FAR
Oh, bird, sometimes I feel you're my only friend in this world.

PARROT
Squawk! Fuck you!

(The PARROT flies away)

JA'FAR
Right. Oh, my book, it's covered in mud!
(Smells it)
No, wait, is that shit?

(Enter the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD, covered in shit)

CAPTAIN
That smell is me, Ja'far. You would not believe the morning I've had.

JA'FAR
Why is my Captain of the Royal Guard covered in shit?

CAPTAIN
Well, my men and I just jumped from a window and into a cart of Crazy Hakim's
Discount Fertilizer.

JA'FAR
Why?
I-1-9

CAPTAIN
We were chasing a man…no…a devil. A thief, who every day, robs from the common
folk -- bread, laundry off of clotheslines and even watermelons. We try to catch him but
he's always just one jump ahead. Today, things got a little out of hand and a lot of good
people are dead.

JA'FAR
Explain!

CAPTAIN
Well, the Sword-Swallower slit his throat from the inside when the thief's pet monkey
ripped the sword right out of it. You know the guy who sleeps on the bed of nails?

JA'FAR
Yes.

CAPTAIN
The fat guard fell on him. Now he's dead. Then when we fell from the window and into
the cart of manure, Kabal snapped his neck on impact and two more choked on shit. All
this for a loaf of bread.

(Enter ABDUL, one of the guards, pleading, gasping for


air)

CAPTAIN
Abdul, you're alive? I thought you choked on shit!

(ABDUL falls. CAPTAIN holds him in his arms)

ABDUL
Did we get the loaf of bread back?

JA'FAR
Oh no, I'm sorry, the thief got away with --

(CAPTAIN silences him)

CAPTAIN
Yes. Yes, Abdul, we got the bread back.

ABDUL
Praise Allah…

(ABDUL dies. CAPTAIN closes ABDUL'S eyes)

CAPTAIN
This is all your fault, Ja'far.

JA'FAR
My fault? How is this my fault and not that thief's?
I-1-10

CAPTAIN
There wouldn't be any thieves if you fixed the socioeconomic inequality like you
promised.
(He drops ABDUL'S body on the floor)
Why do you even bother visiting us commoners anymore, you aristocat?

JA'FAR
There's a very important prince coming in today from one of our vassal kingdoms.
The land of Pik-Zahr. I've come to welcome him personally.

CAPTAIN
Another suitor for the Princess?

JA'FAR
No, if only, Captain. He's here because the trade agreement between his kingdom and
ours has expired and I've got to extend the contract or our kingdom is doomed. That's
why I've pulled out all the stops to make this prince's visit a happy one. We've arranged
a character breakfast with our Princess, given him a two-day park hopper pass, and a
lanyard for souvenir pin collecting. Everyone must treat this prince with the utmost
respect.

CAPTAIN
I saw that very prince riding by on his horse earlier.

JA'FAR
Oh?

CAPTAIN
He was being accosted by the same thief we just spoke of.

JA'FAR
What?

CAPTAIN
The street-rat through a whip in his face. He told him that he'd never seen a horse with
two rear ends. Now, I'm not sure if the thief meant that the prince had a big horsey ass,
or a horse-ass for a face. Either way, everyone laughed and the prince was furious.

JA'FAR
I better get back to the palace and make sure that his breakfast with the Princess goes
well.

CAPTAIN
But, Ja'far, isn't she known to sic tigers on visiting princes?

JA'FAR
Oh shit, you're right.

CAPTAIN
I sure hope you haven't goofed this one up, Ja'far.
I-1-11

JA'FAR
Oh no, I haven't! Why don't you go apprehend the thief. What's his name?

CAPTAIN
There are whispers. Rumors only. They say he's called…Aladdin.

#2b -- Aladdin's Entrance

JA'FAR
Then we must find this one, this…"Laddin"…

(They exit. ALADDIN enters with a loaf of bread)

ALADDIN
Tsk, tsk, tsk, look at this mess. Dead bodies in the street. The state of this kingdom. It's
no place to raise a monkey.
(ALADDIN'S pet MONKEY enters)
Come on, Monkey, don't be scared. It's just a dead body…you can have fun with him!
Look, you can kick him. YOU can eat him. Most importantly, you get to loot him.
(He digs through ABDUL'S pockets and finds a wallet)
Ah, there it is. Look at that. Hey, that looks enough like you. That'll get you into bars.

(He pockets the money, then hands rest of the wallet to the
MONKEY who tries to eat it. ALADDIN then sits down
and steals the shoes off ABDUL'S feet)

ALADDIN
Those guards should've just let me take this bread. Don't they get it? I'm not a bad guy.
I steal only what I can't afford. And that's everything.

(Scene changes back to the streets. ABDUL'S body is cleared away.


During the following number, various CITIZENS enter.)

#3 -- I Steal Everything

ALADDIN
WANT FOOD, BUT GOT NO MONEY?
I'M SCREWED, OR SO IT WOULD SEEM
THAT'S WHY I CAME UP WITH THIS BRILLIANT SCHEME:
JUST STEAL EVERYTHING!
(Spoken)
Alright, Monkey, let's feast!

MONKEY (Lauren)
Yeah! Yeah!

(They eat some of the bread; ALADDIN spits it out)

ALADDIN
Ugh! Raisins. I hate raisins.
I-1-12

(Two ORPHANS enter, one of them crippled)

ALADDIN
Hey, little orphaned kids, you guys hungry? Want some bread?

ORPHAN (Meredith)
We do, sir.

ALADDIN
Fetch, ya fucks!

(He throws the bread offstage. The ORPHANS pathetically


stumble after it)

ALADDIN
FOR REAL, I'M NOT THAT PICKY
I'LL STEAL WHATEVER'S IN SIGHT
DON'T JUDGE, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY PLIGHT

(ALADDIN steals the crutch from the crippled ORPHAN)

CRIPPLED OPRHAN (Joseph)


Hey, my crutch!

ALADDIN
Mine now, loser.
(Sung)
I STEAL EVERYTHING.

(A BREADSELLER enters)

BREADSELLER (Robert)
Bread! Bread for sale! Reasonably priced for these hard times!

ALADDIN
Ah, hey there, friendo!

BREADSELLER
Not you again! Please, you just stole a loaf of bread from me this morning!

ALADDIN
Yeah, and you gotta stop putting raisins in it, man. I hate raisins. I was talkin' to
Monkey about it, and he thinks we should just kill you!
(MONKEY hisses at BREADSELLER)
But I was like, no, Monkey, that's crazy! But now I'm kinda thinking…yeah…No more
fucking raisins.

BREADSELLER
No, please! I'll bring you some more bread tomorrow with no raisins.
I-1-13

ALADDIN
You're the best! I'm gonna tell all my thief friends about you. But you owe me one.

(BREADSELLER exits)

DID YOU KNOW IN THIS BARBARIC COUNTRY


THEY ONLY GIVE YOU MONEY IF YOU WORK
THANKS, BUT NO THANKS, THE MAN
I'LL KEEP STEALING ALL I CAN,
INSTEAD OF BEING A FACIST YUPPIE JERK

CITIZENS
HIPPIE!
FUCKER!
SLACKER!

ALADDIN
SUCKER!
WHO WOULD SEEK EMPLOYMENT
WHEN LIFE OFFERS SUCH ENJOYMENT?
ANYTHING I GET, I COULD GET FOR FREE
BESIDES, THE ECONOMY'S SHIT
SO I MAKE HASTE FOR MAKING EXITS
GET CHASED BY A MURDEROUS MOB
HEY MAN, STILL BEATS GETTING A JOB
(Spoken)
Am I right?

LAUNDRESS (Jaime Lyn)


(Enters)
Getting in trouble a little early today, aren't we Aladdin?

ALADDIN
You're only in trouble if you get caught.

(Enter a PREGNANT GIRL and her FATHER)

PREGNANT GIRL (Denise)


Aladdin?

ALADDIN
I'm in trouble.

PREGNANT GIRL
After that night we spent together, my belly grows big with child. My father says that
you must marry me now, or I'll bring dishonor to my entire family.

ALADDIN
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't give up on my dreams and settle down just 'cause your
dad's being a dick. Besides, if I do marry, I want it to be for love.
I-1-14

PREGNANT GIRL
Oh, Aladdin…I understand.

ALADDIN
I knew you would. You're such a special girl, Jezebel.

PREGNANT GIRL
Who's Jezebel?!

ALADDIN
Uh oh. Busted.

PREGNANT GIRL
ASSHOLE!

ALADDIN
OH, WOW.

FATHER (Jim)
DOUCHEBAG!

ALADDIN
HEY NOW!
JUST ONE QUESTION, WHY, MAN?

FATHER
'CAUSE YOU STOLE MY DAUGHTER'S HYMEN!

ALADDIN
THAT'S COMPLETELY FAIR, BUT IN MY DEFENSE,
(Spoken)
Dude, your daughter's hot.

(ALADDIN high-fives the FATHER who exits with his


daughter)

ALADDIN
I FEEL THAT IT'S MY DUTY TO STEAL, 'CAUSE STEALING'S AN ART
I'LL STEAL CLOTHING AND SHELTER, WHATEVER I LACK
CANDY FROM BABIES, THE SHIRT OFF YOUR BACK!
CREDIT IDENTITIES, THUNDER AND SEAMS
INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
AND IF YOU'LL LOOK CLOSER
THIS POOR LITTLE ORPHAN WILL STEAL YOUR HEART.

#3a -- I Steal Everything -- Playoff

(Lights Out. ALADDIN and MONKEY exit)


I-2-15

ACT ONE
SCENE 2

(The Palace. Enter JA'FAR)

JA'FAR
All right, it's imperative that this prince's visit is a happy one. And, who knows, maybe
he and the Princess will hit it off.

(Enter ACHMED, in a temper)

ACHMED
Good luck marrying her off!

JA'FAR
Oh, Prince Achmed! Your Excellency!

ACHMED
Is this how your kingdom treats its guests, Ja'far? Take a look at this!
(He lifts his cape, revealing his pants torn to expose his
shredded underwear and bare ass)
Tell me…what do you see?

JA'FAR
Your heart boxer shorts, my liege.

ACHMED
And what else?

JA'FAR
Your ass cheeks, my lord.

ACHMED
My ass cheeks…they're hanging out. And what's this?
(Wipes something off his ass)
Blood. Blood on my ass cheeks. Tell me, Ja'far, how the fuck did it get there?

JA'FAR
Is it because…?

ACHMED
It is because your princess just sic'd a Bengal tiger upon my ass! I am lucky that it is so
pert and small.

JA'FAR
Oh I am grateful for your tiny ass, my lord!

ACHMED
I cannot believe that she thought she could feed a prince to a Bengal tiger and that there
would be no political consequences. This really is an act of war, Ja'far.
I-2-16

(ACHMED)
And she treated it as if it were a throwaway joke. As if I were some silly side character
here only to illustrate her reluctance to get married. Well, not only am I the ruler of a
sovereign nation, but I have feelings too. And people forget about me.

JA'FAR
You must forgive our princess. She is youthful but with meaning.

ACHMED
Do not feed me shit and call it couscous, Ja'far. This is yet another insult that your
kingdom has heaped upon mine. But you can no longer afford such arrogance. Consider
your kingdom's greatest exports over the last ten years: toys, exotic fish, trash-
compacting robots and other such incredibles. All produced not by your kingdom, but by
mine.

JA'FAR
Yes, you produce the goods and we distribute them.

ACHMED
You take the credit for them!

JA'FAR
No, we share the credit!

ACHMED
Well perhaps we don't want to share the credit any longer. We had considered extending
our alliance. Now, because of your princess, that is completely out of the question. The
next time that I return to this so-called "Magic Kingdom", it will not be with a lanyard, or
a two-day park-hopping pass, but with an army. Ja'far, prepare for war.

JA'FAR
No, Achmed, wait…

ACHMED
No! Nobody makes an ass of Prince Achmed!

(He storms off, fully showing his ass to the Audience)

JA'FAR
Damn that girl! Princess! You've got some 'splaining to do!
(The sound of birds flying overhead is heard)
Oh no! The Indian Swallowtails! They've escaped!

(The PRINCESS enters followed by two SLAVE GIRLS)

PRINCESS
No. I set them free.
I-2-17

JA'FAR
But those birds were imported from a foreign land. They can't survive here. The hawks
will have them within the hour.

PRINCESS
Well an hour free is better than a lifetime in a cage. Being fed and pampered and cleaned
up after. What kind of a life is that?

JA'FAR
When are you going to learn that your actions have consequences? That prince you just
sic'd a tiger on has threatened our kingdom with war.

PRINCESS
Oh it's not a big deal. He was such a joke. Just like every other swaggering peacock I've
met.

JA'FAR
But not all your suitors deserve to have a tiger set upon them. What about that first
prince? He was a charming fellow.

PRINCESS
I heard he made out with a girl while she was blacked out. That's not charming. That's
kind of rapey.

JA'FAR
Well…what about Prince Eric the Seafaring Flutist?

PRINCESS
He fucked a fish!

JA'FAR
He did not fuck a fish!

PRINCESS
He wanted to fuck a fish!

JA'FAR
Oh predator fish-fucker! Will anyone ever live up to your impossible standards? You
know you're going to have to get married one of these days.

PRINCESS
Never! Marriage is the medieval construct of the ownership of women. It's like slavery.
Grapes!
(One of her SLAVE GIRLS feeds her grapes)
Besides, if I do marry, I want it to be for love.
(She spits seeds into the other SLAVE GIRL'S hand)

JA'FAR
One of these days, you're going to learn that life isn't about dreams coming true. It's a
series of compromises and disappointment.
I-2-18

(JA'FAR)
I was hoping that Prince Achmed could fix our kingdom's problems. But now, we are
worse off than ever and I've got to find a way to clean up your mess.
(He exits)

PRINCESS
But…you…
(Grunts)
Being a princess is so stifling! I'm suffocating in this palace!

SLAVE GIRL 1 (Alex)


Fan, Princess?
(Fans her)

PRINCESS
Now I'm kind of chilly.

SLAVE GIRL 2 (Jaime Lyn)


Shroud of silk, my lady.
(Shrouds her)

PRINCESS
I can't wear this! Do you know they make these things in sweatshops? Where have you
been?

SLAVE GIRL 2
Spinning silk in your private sweatshop, mistress.

PRINCESS
You actually work in one of those?

SLAVE GIRL 2
Yes.

PRINCESS
That's supporting a corrupt system. You're a part of the problem.

SLAVE GIRL 2
Yes, Princess.

#4 -- Everything and More

PRINCESS
Am I the only one who wants more out of life? I just want to be free so badly! You
slaves could never understand.

SLAVE GIRLS
Yes, Princess.

(They exit)
I-2-19

PRINCESS
I'M THE MOST POWERFUL GIRL IN THE LAND
WITH A WAVE OF MY HAND I CAN GIVE A COMMAND
BUT IT'S JUST LIKE…WHATEVER
'CAUSE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND

LOOK AT MY LIFE FROM THE OUTSIDE AND SURE


I'VE GOT SERVANTS AND TIGERS AND STUFF
YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING SHE'S GOT EVERYTHING
WELL IT'S TRUE 'CAUSE I DO
BUT SO THE FUCK WHAT, IT'S NOT ENOUGH

I WANT A LIFE OF ADVENTURE


WITH NO ORDERS I HAVE TO OBEY
AND DANGERS GALORE
'LONG AS I CAN BE SURE
THAT I'M SAFE AND SECURE AT THE END OF THE DAY

I'VE GOT TO ESCAPE FROM THIS PALACE


FOR A LIFE WHERE I'LL TRULY BE FREE
I'LL GO LIVE SOMEWHERE NEW
JUST AS BIG WITH A VIEW
AND A FEW DOZEN SERVANTS ATTENDING TO ME

THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR


I JUST WANT EVERYTHING AND MORE

I WANT THE MOON


I WANT TO LIVE ON THE MOON
AND EAT IT IN A PIE
AND KEEP IT AS A PET
AND WEAR IT LIKE A GEMSTONE IN MY HAIR

AND SOMEDAY SOON


THE PEOPLE WHO SAY I'M JUST DREAMING
LIKE FATHER AND JA'FAR
WILL SEE HOW WRONG THEY ARE
AS I LAUGH IN THEIR FACES THROUGH
MOUTHFULS OF MOONBEAM PIE

I WANNA MAKE MY OWN CHOICES


I MEAN PLEASE, IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?
BUT DECISIONS ARE HARD AND I'M BEING BOMBARDED
WHY CAN'T SOMEBODY HELP WITH THIS ARDUOUS TASK?

THE LIFE OF A PRINCESS IS FRAUGHT WITH COMPLICATION


IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME WISH I WERE LOWLY AND POOR
BUT, LIKE, WITH MONEY
I-2-20

(PRINCESS)
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO LIVE IN A NEW SITUATION
EACH SLAVE AND GUARD MAKES LIFE SO HARD
'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS BARRED
FROM HAVING EVERYTHING AND MORE

(Lights Out)

#4a -- Everything and More -- Playoff


I-3-21

ACT ONE
SCENE 3

(Another part of the palace -- JA'FAR'S quarters)

JA'FAR
All right, team, we've got to brainstorm. We could be facing war.
(He looks around -- no one is there)
Team? Hello?

(CAPTAIN enters with a scroll)

CAPTAIN
Hey, Ja'far.

JA'FAR
Captain, where is my team? My assistant viziers? My think tank that share my
commitment to Duty and Devotion? Has my whole Two-D department gone missing?

CAPTAIN
Oh, you haven't heard.

JA'FAR
Heard what?

CAPTAIN
Bad news, Ja'far. The order has already been carried out.

(CAPTAIN hands JA'FAR the scroll. He reads):

JA'FAR
"By royal decree of the Sultan and his executive branch, the entire Two-D department is
to be dispended. All one hundred and fifty of its members are to be sacked."

CAPTAIN
Hm. We put them in burlap sacks and beat them until they were dead.

JA'FAR
But those were men and women of quality! All those masters of craftsmanship just
thrown out the window!

CAPTAIN
Out of the highest window of the western tower.

JA'FAR
But how could the Sultan do this?

CAPTAIN
Don't blame the Sultan, Ja'far. This is all your fault. You didn't have the Two-D
department producing anything of value.
I-3-22

JA'FAR
Yes, I know.

CAPTAIN
Well…see ya.
(He exits)

JA'FAR
To think our kingdom was once a pioneer of art and culture and technology…how did it
come to this? How did it come to this?!! AHH!! DAMN!!
(He angrily knocks various objects over until he finds half a
golden scarab fastened to a gold necklace)
Wait…it can't be…the necklace…I haven't seen this in years.

#5 -- Sands of Time

JA'FAR
SANDS OF TIME, TAKE ME BACK
BEFORE IT ALL WENT WRONG
WHEN LOVE WAS BUT A SONG
AND TOMORROW SHONE AS BRIGHTLY AS THE SUN
TEACH ME TO UNDO WHAT'S DONE
SANDS OF TIME, TAKE ME BACK.

(Suddenly the scene changes and we are transported back


in time. It is morning in the village streets. JA'FAR briefly
exits. CITIZENS enter)

GROCER (Nick)
Sugar dates! Sugar dates and figs! Sugar dates and pistachios!

OMAR (Robert)
Fresh fish! We catch them, you buy them!

JEWELER (Jaime Lyn)


Pretty necklace for the lady?

(JA'FAR renters, he is younger and without his full Royal


Vizier uniform)

JA'FAR
Salaam, friends, and praise Allah for this blessed day!

JEWELER
Oh, and praise Allah for you, Ja'far! Today's the day, isn't it? The day the palace finally
gets a good and honest man on the payroll! "Assistant Vizier to the Sultan." You'll
straighten out those crooked politicians, I'm sure of it!
I-3-23

JA'FAR
Oh, now, now, be warm, I'm sure those higher-ups in the palace are doing their very best!
They just need someone with strong resolve to keep them on that straight and narrow.

GROCER
Ha ha! I suppose you're right. But how do you do it, Ja'far? How is it that you are so
good to everyone you meet?

JA'FAR
My secret is simple, really. Anyone could do it. I just follow the golden rule!

JEWELER
And what rule is that, Ja'far?

#5a -- The Golden Rule

JA'FAR
Why, it's as easy as a 1, 2, 3, 4…
(Sung)
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE
FOR LIFE'S A TWO-WAY STREET
KEEP THAT IN MIND AND YOU'LL BE KIND
TO EVERYONE YOU MEET!

FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE


IT ISN'T HARD TO DO
ALWAYS TREAT OTHERS LIKE SISTERS AND BROTHERS
AND THEY'LL DO THE SAME FOR YOU.

BEFORE YOU HARM YOUR FELLOW MAN


ASK THIS QUESTION FIRST:
HOW WOULD YOU WISH THAT HE TREAT YOU
IF YOUR FORTUNES WERE REVERSED?

FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE


THAT'S HOW I CHOOSE TO LIVE
WOW, SIMPLE RECIPROCITY IS ALWAYS MY PHILOSOPHY
I GET BACK WHAT I GIVE!

(A BOY enters and steals from OMAR'S fish cart. OMAR catches him)

OMAR
Stop, thief!

BOY (Lauren)
But sir, I'm starving!

OMAR
Do you know what the penalty is for stealing?
I-3-24

(OMAR is about to cut off the BOY'S hand when JA'FAR intervenes)

JA'FAR
Stop right there, friend! Omar, what's going on here?

OMAR
This boy has robbed me!

JA'FAR
So you take the law into your own hands?

OMAR
It is my right, Ja'far!

JA'FAR
But is it right?
(Sung)
BEFORE YOU HARM YOUR FELLOW MAN
ASK THIS QUESTION FIRST:
HOW WOULD YOU WISH THAT HE TREAT YOU
IF YOUR FORTUNES WERE REVERSED?
(Spoken)
Why take this boy's hand when you could just as easily put it to work?

OMAR
Give him a job, eh?

JA'FAR
And you, boy, don't you see that if everyone were to steal from Omar's cart, that he
would be the one who was starving?

CITIZENS
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE

BOY
My hunger blinded me and forced me to act like an animal.

CITIZENS
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE

JA'FAR
But we're not animals. We're gifted with minds to reason and hearts to love!

CITIZENS
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE
AHH…

JA'FAR
So what do you say? Can you two work together?
I-3-25

JA'FAR
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE
FOR LIFE'S A TWO-WAY STREET

OMAR
KEEP THAT IN MIND

THIEF
AND YOU'LL BE KIND

ALL
TO EVERYONE YOU MEET!
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE
(FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE)
IT ISN'T HARD TO DO
(IT'S VERY EASY)
ALWAYS TREAT OTHERS LIKE SISTERS AND BROTHERS
AND THEY'LL DO THE SAME FOR YOU
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (THEY'LL DO IT FOR YOU)
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (THEY'LL DO IT FOR YOU)
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (THEY'LL DO IT FOR YOU)
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (THEY'LL DO IT FOR YOU)

JA'FAR
I think that's enough fun for one day, eh, friends?
(ALL laugh)
Well, I better be off to the palace!

CITIZENS
Good luck, Ja'far!
(Sung)
AND REMEMBER
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE)
THAT'S HOW WE CHOOSE TO LIVE (IT'S VERY EASY)
SIMPLE RECIPROCITY
IS ALWAYS OUR PHILOSOPHY

JA'FAR & CITIZENS


I GET BACK WHAT I GIVE
(WE GET WHAT WE GIVE)
THAT'S IT
I GET BACK WHAT I GIVE
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (I GET WHAT I GIVE)
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (I GET WHAT I GIVE)
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN --
I-3-26

(MUSIC abruptly stops. CITIZENS exit. JA'FAR is in the


palace. The Lights go dark. JA'FAR bumps into the former
ROYAL VIZIER, whose back is to the audience)

JA'FAR
Oh! Excuse me, sir.

VIZIER
(Slowly turning around)
Whaaaaaaaaat? Who dares enter the royal palace and disturb the Royal Vizier as he rests
in his royal chambers of the royal palace? You! Who are you?

JA'FAR
Oh, me, sir? My name is Ja'far, sir.

(ASSISTANT VIZIERS enter, sneering at JA'FAR)

VIZIER
Ha! Yes, the new assistant vizier.

ASSISTANT (Jaime Lyn)


The coffee-fetcher!

JA'FAR
I intend to do a little more than that, my friends. Now, I know it's my first day, but if
you'll spare me some patience, I've prepared a list of reforms that this city is in desperate
need of. It's going to take a lot of hard work and a little bit of elbow grease, but I believe
that if we just follow The Golden Rule, that we can all create a whole new world for you
and me, and most importantly, the great people of this kingdom!

(The VIZIER and his ASSISTANTS laugh at him)

ASSISTANT
Are you finished?

VIZIER
Listen, boy. You speak of a…"Golden Rule"? Well, we have our own golden rule here.
Whoever has the gold…makes the rules.

JA'FAR
What?

#6 -- The Golden Rule (Evil Reprise)

VIZIER
I FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE
HOW CAN A MAN RESIST
WHEN THE GOLD IN HIS HAND
LETS HIM RULE THE LAND
WITH AN IRON FIST
I-3-27

(VIZIER)
I FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE
IT'S EITHER THEM OR ME
THE GOLD THAT MY NEIGHBOR EARNS THROUGH HIS LABOR
IS GOLD I'LL NEVER SEE

WHO HAS THE GOLD MAKES ALL THE RULES


SO HE WINS THE GAME AND THEN
THE PRIZE FOR WINNING?

ALL
MORE GOLD! HAHA!

VIZIER
AND THE GAME BEGINS AGAIN

ALL
FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE

VIZIER
BOY, DON'T BE SUCH A FOOL
DAMN YOUR STUPID CHARITY, WE CHASE OUR OWN PROSPERITY,
WE --

ALL
FOLLOW THE GOLD
FOLLOW THE GOLD
FOLLOW THE GOLD
FOLLOW THE GOLD
FOLLOW THE GOLD VIZIER
AND RULE!
FOLLOW THE GOLD…
AND RULE!
FOLLOW THE GOLD…
AND RULE!

ALL
FOLLOW THE GOLD, GOLD, GOLD…

VIZIER
And rule!

#6a -- Evil Reprise -- Playoff

VIZIER
So keep your mouth shut and your palm open, and you may just get…filthy stinkin' rich!
Come, gentlemen, to the opium den.

(VIZIER and ASSISTANTS exit)


I-3-28

JA'FAR
Oh what is this palace life?

(We hear a SCREAM from offstage and a sword slashing


sound)

SHERREZADE
Aahhh!

(She is thrown onto the stage)

OFFSTAGE VOICE
That'll teach you to sneer at a nobleman!

JA'FAR
Oh, my dear girl, what's been done to you?

SHERREZADE
Somebody cut off my ear because they didn't like my face.

JA'FAR
That's barbaric!

SHERREZADE
But hey, it's home!

JA'FAR
Worry not, miss, I am a studied healer. I may not be able to save the ear, but I can stay
the bleeding. It would help if we kept you talking. You could start by telling me your
name.

(He dresses her wound)

SHERREZADE
My name is Sherrezade. I suppose this will be the end of me. I'm here only for my
beauty…and now that's gone.

JA'FAR
Sherrezade, true beauty lies within. But no scratch could tarnish your heavenly glow.

SHERREZADE
Your words are like honey, young master!

JA'FAR
Oh, Ja'far, and I am master no man or woman. I am a servant to the people, and therefore
your servant. Tell me, what is it that you do in the palace?

SHERREZADE
I entertain nobles with singing and dancing and stories.
I-3-29

JA'FAR
Stories? What kind of stories?

SHERREZADE
Anything you can imagine. Tell me, have you ever heard the tale of the Tiger Head Cave?

(JA'FAR shakes his head)

It's filled with wonders beyond your wildest dreams: a forbidden treasure, a rug
possessed the soul of a lecherous thief, and perhaps the greatest treasure of them all: a
common oil lamp.

JA'FAR
…what?

SHERREZADE
But do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance; this is no ordinary lamp. It is the
prison of a djinn, a shape shifter who will grant your every wish. He's also really funny.

(He finishes dressing her wound. She feels her ear in


amazement)

JA'FAR
There you are, keep the bandages tight, less the wound become gangrenous.

SHERREZADE
By Allah! Are you a sorcerer?

JA'FAR
No, sorcery is a craft for fools and dreamers. I am a man of science. I believe only what
I can touch and feel. This cave you speak of, I can assure you it doesn't exist. I would
know because I apprenticed a geographer.

SHERREZADE
You've just never seen it because the cave remains hidden to all but those who posses the
key. Here, look.

#6b -- The Scarab

(She takes off a necklace and hands it to him -- the same


necklace he found earlier)

JA'FAR
Oh, beautiful pendant. A golden scarab if I'm not mistaken.

SHERREZADE
Half a scarab. Half the key. It is said that the cave was sealed by two lovers who were
then transformed into one golden scarab. The cave will only reopen when the two halves
become one and the lovers are reunited once more.
I-3-30

JA'FAR
That's beautiful.

SHERREZADE
So you see, you say you only believe what you can touch and feel. Magic does nothing if
not touch the soul. There's no greater feeling than that.

JA'FAR
Wise words. Perhaps you're right.

(He hands her the necklace back. She accidentally drops it)

SHERREZADE
Sorry.

(They both bend down to pick it up and touch hands. They


look into each other's eyes for a moment then break away)

#7 -- A Thousand and One Nights

JA'FAR
Perhaps I have been touched! Pardon, you know many stories, do you?

SHERREZADE
I KNOW A THOUSAND TALES TO FILL A THOUSAND NIGHTS
BUT NOW ANOTHER STORY COMES TO MIND
A NOBLE, YOUNG VIZIER ASCENDS TO WONDROUS HEIGHTS
HE'S BRILLIANT AS HE'S HANDSOME, AND HANDSOME AS HE'S KIND

HE IS AT ONCE FAMILIAR AND UNKNOWABLE


TO THE FRIGHTENED GIRL HE MEETS ALONG THE WAY
AND TO THE GIRL'S SURPRISE, SOMETHING IN HIS EYES
BECKONS HER TO KNOW HIM AND INSPIRES HER TO SAY

I WANT TO KNOW YOUR STORY


I WANT TO KNOW YOUR PAST
SO TELL ME SLOWLY FROM THE START
LEAVE OUT NO DETAIL
SAVOUR EVERY PART

I WANT TO KNOW YOUR STORY


SO MAKE THE STORY LAST
I WANT TO KNOW EACH TWIST AND TURN
TELL ME ALL I'VE MISSED
I'VE SO MUCH TO LEARN

FOR WHEN IT COMES TO STORIES


I THOUGHT I KNEW THEM ALL
NOW I'M FACE TO FACE WITH ONE
I CAN'T SEEM TO RECALL
I-3-31

JA'FAR
THE YOUNG VIZIER HAD COME TO HELP INSPIRE CHANGE
BUT FATE HAD PLANNED AN UNEXPECTED TWIST
WITHIN THE PALACE WALLS HE DISCOVERED SOMETHING STRANGE
AND FOUND THE MISSING PART OF HIM HE DIDN'T KNOW HE MISSED

SHE IS AT ONCE A COMFORT AND A MYSTERY


TO THE CALLOW MAN SHE MEETS THAT FATEFUL DAY
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL AND WISE, AND SOMETHING IN HER EYES
BECKONS HIM TO KNOW HER AND INSPIRES HIM TO SAY

I WANT TO KNOW YOUR STORY


I WANT TO KNOW YOUR PAST
I WANT TO KNOW YOUR FUTURE TOO
FILL MY DAYS AND NIGHTS
WITH THE TALE OF YOU

BOTH
I WANT TO KNOW YOUR STORY
(I WANT TO KNOW YOUR STORY)
SO MAKE THE STORY LAST
(SO MAKE THE STORY…)
AND…
…LINGER ON FOR EVERY PART
TELL IT TILL I KNOW
EVERY BIT BY HEART

JA'FAR
I NEVER CARED FOR STORIES
UNTIL YOU ENTERED MINE

BOTH
AND NOW MY ONLY WISH IS THAT
OUR PLOTS MAY INTERTWINE

JA'FAR
BUT I FORGET WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

SHERREZADE
I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND

JA'FAR
REMIND ME HOW SHE ANSWERS
WHEN HE ASKS HER FOR HER HAND?

SHERREZADE
Took you long enough! Yes! She says yes!
I-3-32

BOTH
A THOUSAND AND ONE NIGHTS WITH YOU
IS NOT ENOUGH TO SPEND
SO LET'S MAKE OURS A STORY WITH NO END
SO LET'S MAKE OURS A STORY WITH NO END…

(MUSIC continues. Time passes and they are now living


together)

JA'FAR
Honey, I'm home. Damn that royal vizier. The common man is starving and he feasts
like a self styled god. My land reform bill will never pass.

SHERREZADE
They refused you again?

JA'FAR
I work with the most selfish, corrupt, incompetent old men. Their mouths aren't fit to
hold a donkey's shit. If I could just speak with the Sultan, if for a minute I could have his
ear.

SHERREZADE
As that nobleman took my ear?

JA'FAR
Sherrezade, you jest!

SHERREZADE
I'm only joking, Ja'far. Now that I have you smiling, I think I'll give you a gift.

JA'FAR
A gift for me? What is it?

(She brings him a baby PARROT)

PARROT
Squawk!

JA'FAR
Oh what a handsome bird that is!

PARROT
Squawk! Handsome bird!

JA'FAR
Oh it speaks our words!

SHERREZADE
I saw him in the marketplace and I knew he would delight you.
I-3-33

JA'FAR
What else does he say?

SHERREZADE
Anything you teach him.

PARROT
Squawk! Donkey's shit!

JA'FAR
Oh! Those harsh words are mine, aren't they? You clever girl! Always finding new
ways to keep me honest!

SHERREZADE
It'll be good for us to have something to love and care for. It can be practice for us.
(She feels her belly)

JA'FAR
What are you saying? Have all of our attempts finally bore fruit, even when the doctors
said it could not be so?!? Oh praise Allah the merciful and compassionate!

(They embrace. A GUARD enters)

GUARD
Assistant Vizier Ja'far! News from the palace! Your request for a hearing with the
Sultan has been granted. You are to report to the palace immediately!
(Exits)

JA'FAR
Did you hear that, my darling? My land reform bill being heard by the Sultan on this of
all days!

SHERREZADE
We are blessed, Ja'far!

JA'FAR
Come with me to the palace. And let us never be parted again!

BOTH
A THOUSAND AND ONE LIFETIMES IS NOT ENOUGH TO SPEND
SO LET'S MAKE OURS A STORY WITH NO END
SO LET'S MAKE OURS A STORY WITH NO END…

#7a -- Sultan Fanfare

(They exit. Scene changes to the palace. ROYAL VIZIER


enters with GUARDS)
I-3-34

VIZIER
Behold!! Behold!! Behold!! The representative of Allah on Earth. Father of the
country. Shepherd of the people. Sovereign of the land. He of the two legs. Behold!!
The son of Osiris and Borator. The divine ruler. Behold!! The Royal Sultan!

(JA'FAR and SHERREZADE reenter to watch as the


SULTAN enters. All bow before him)

JA'FAR
Sherrezade, they say he has a golden tongue. I never thought I'd see this day.

SHERREZADE
What do you think he'll say to us? What wisdom will he impart?

VIZIER
SILENCE! The Sultan will now speak in his holy voice.

SULTAN
(Coughs)
Many years ago, I took my finger…and I pushed in my penis…and it hasn't come out
since.
(Pause)
I will now hear from the court.

VIZIER
A very wise and enthralling tale, my lord. We can all learn a lesson from it, I expect.

SULTAN
Where's my opium? I must have wine, sweetmeats and cheeses.

VIZIER
At once, my lord.
(Snaps his fingers)
And now my lowly and unworthy assistant vizier presents some issue or other for your
holy consideration. Speak now, Ja'far! And don't fuck it up!

JA'FAR
(Rises)
Greetings, Your Highness. It is I, Ja'far. I humbly prostrate myself to you and offer up
this bill of land reform. It is essential to our way of life.

SULTAN
(His eyes suddenly wide)
Ooh! Who are you?

JA'FAR
Me, sir? I'm Ja'far, as I said --

SULTAN
No not you, you jabbering ape. Her.
I-3-35

(The SULTAN points to SHERREZADE)

JA'FAR
Oh. This is Sherrezade, my wife.
(Pulls her up)

SHERREZADE
It is an honor to be in your presence, great Sultan.

SULTAN
Hmm. She's my wife now. I must have her for my harem.

JA'FAR
What?

SULTAN
She makes my withered loins feel life again!

VIZIER
Very good, my lord, she will be yours at once!

JA'FAR
No! She's my wife, damn it!

#7b -- She's My Wife Now

VIZIER
Do you speak against your Sultan? Against your king? On your knees, boy!

JA'FAR
What? No!

(GUARDS throw JA'FAR to the floor and whip him)

SHERREZADE
Ja'far! No!

VIZIER
This woman will be bathed and shaved and brought to your harem at once, my lord.

JA'FAR
Sherrezade! NOOO!!

(SULTAN and VIZIER exit. The GUARDS grab


SHERREZADE but allow her a final moment alone with
JA'FAR)

JA'FAR
I can't let this happen! He's stealing you from me! He's a thief! I won't let you go!
I-3-36

SHERREZADE
You must, Ja'far! The Sultan wishes it and it is our purpose to serve him.

JA'FAR
Well, maybe I have a new purpose now.

SHERREZADE
The city needs you. You are going to be a great vizier someday. That is what your story
is about.

JA'FAR
I wish I had the power to rewrite this tale.

SHERREZADE
Never stop wishing it, Ja'far. Here. Take this.

(She takes off her gold necklace and gives it to him)

JA'FAR
Your pendant?

SHERREZADE
You remember the two lovers?

JA'FAR
The key to the Tiger Head Cave?

SHERREZADE
We will be reunited one day, and unlock wonders beyond your wildest dreams!

(She is dragged offstage. JA'FAR is bent down on the


ground. The scene transforms back to present day)

#8 -- If I Believed

JA'FAR
First I lost her to the Sultan…then I lost her to Heaven. I thought that, if I just did my
duty, I could get her back. Now I am Royal Vizier and powerless to save her, or our city.
Unless…
(He looks at the pendant)
The cave. The lamp. The wish-granting djinn!
(Sung)
IF I BELIEVED IN WISHES
AS SILLY AS IT SEEMS
I'D FIND THAT HIDDEN CAVE
TURN BACK THE SANDS OF TIME AND SAVE YOU
IF I BELIEVED IN DREAMS

IF I BELIEVED IN MAGIC
IF I BELIEVED IN GOOD
I-3-37

(JA'FAR)
I'D BE THE BEST VIZIER
I'D MAKE OUR TROUBLES DISAPPEAR
IF I BELIEVED I COULD

BUT WISHES ARE DREAMS


AND DREAMS ARE PRETEND
SO SCIENCE AND REASON
WIN OUT IN THE END

SCIENCE SAYS YOU'RE DEAD AND GONE FOREVER


REASON SAYS I'M TALKING TO THE AIR
BUT SOMETHING IN MY HEART
SOME SECRET HIDDEN PART
ILLOGICALLY INSISTS THAT YOU ARE THERE
SOMEWHERE

IF I BELIEVE IN WISHES
IF I CAN FIND THE KEY
PERHAPS IT'S NOT TO LATE
TO CHANGE THE COURSE OF FATE
'CAUSE AFTER ALL I MUST BE PRETTY GREAT
IF YOU BELIEVED IN ME

(CAPTAIN enters)

CAPTAIN
Ja'far!

JA'FAR
What is it, Captain? Can't you see I'm busy?

CAPTAIN
Bad news. It's the Princess. We've checked everywhere but she's nowhere to be found.
It appears she's run away.

JA'FAR
All her talk of freedom. I should've seen this coming!

CAPTAIN
I agree. This is all your fault, Ja'far.

JA'FAR
Don't just stand there. Go out and find her! Leave no stone unturned. I have an errand I
must attend to.

(CAPTAIN exits)

Oh, Princess. You poor, naïve girl. I only hope you haven't fallen prey to some sex-
crazed ruffian!
I-4-38

ACT ONE
SCENE 4

(ALADDIN leads the PRINCESS into his shack. MONKEY


is also present)

ALADDIN
Right this way, babe.

PRINCESS
I want to thank you again for saving me back at the marketplace. I can't believe that man
wanted to reprimand me just for taking some of his apples.

ALADDIN
Yeah, those merchants are real dicks about that kind of stuff. It's like, is he really going
to eat all those apples? And did you know the ones he doesn't eat, he's trying to sell? For
money? So greedy.

PRINCESS
But you're so generous. Sticking your neck out for a girl you just met, while expecting
absolutely nothing in return. And then insisting that I stay with you tonight!

ALADDIN
No prob. I do it all the time.

(They are about to kiss. She changes the subject)

PRINCESS
Wow, you live here?

ALADDIN
Ehh, I'm just squatting here.

PRINCESS
It's beautiful.

ALADDIN
Yeah, it's kind of a mess right now. It's hard to keep a big place like this clean.

PRINCESS
Well don't you have someone to clean it for you? Like a slave?

ALADDIN
Well I've got this monkey, but uh, he only cleans his side of the room, leaves the shower
curtain open all the time…and he hasn't even started work on our screenplay. Unbelievable.

(MONKEY flicks ALADDIN off and exits)


I-4-39

PRINCESS
This is so unfair! Poor people need slaves just as much as rich people do! Maybe even a
little bit more. And do you know what the really sad part is? The people in power are
doing absolutely nothing to change that. Change scares old people.

ALADDIN
Grownups just don't get us, you know? It's like, you're sixteen and I'm…yeah…wow…
I'm only thirty-three. I think I've seen it all, but I forget how young I am sometimes.

PRINCESS
I love how raw this conversation is! You are so mature! And deep! Of course it's a free
thinker like who's struggling to get by. And all because of our totally corrupt class
system.

ALADDIN
I hate the class system. That's why I said, "Fuck it, I'm never going to school again."

PRINCESS
So, you abandoned everything, to be free? That is so brave.

ALADDIN
Brave? Me? Yeah.

#9 -- Orphaned At Thirty-Three

ALADDIN
But I was kinda forced into it. I had to grow up fast. My life has just been…so hard.
(Sung)
I KNOW YOU THINK I'M THIS PERFECT GUY
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO CONFESS
I ONLY HOPE IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU LIKE ME ANY LESS

I GOT THIS TRAGIC BACK STORY


THAT'S DRIVEN OTHER GIRLS AWAY
BUT I FEEL LIKE I CAN TRUST YOU
YOU WON'T JUDGE ME FOR WHAT I SAY

THE OTHERS COULDN'T HANDLE IT


'CAUSE MY STORY'S JUST TOO SAD
BUT HERE I GO, YOU OUTTA KNOW
I HAVE NO MOM OR DAD
(Spoken)
They died. Earlier this year. Now I'm an orphan. All my parents ever did was support
me. Give me a place to stay, tell me they loved me, no matter what. They were really
bad parents. How's a thirty-three-year-old kid supposed to know how to survive on his
own? You have no idea what it's been like.
(Sung)
I HAD NO ONE TO BAKE ME BREAD
NO ONE TO MAKE MY BED
NO ONE TO TEACH ME THE DIFFERENCE
I-4-40

(ALADDIN)
BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG
OR TO SING ME A SONG
I LONG TO BE AS STRONG AS I USED TO BE
BUT I WAS ORPHANED AT THIRTY-THREE

PRINCESS
Aladdin, I am so sorry! I didn't know!

ALADDIN
I'VE GOT NO ONE TO HOLD ME TIGHT
NO ONE TO KISS ME GOOD NIGHT
NO ONE TO PRESS THEIR BREAST UP AGAINST ME AND SAY
"IT'LL ALL BE OK"
BUT HEY, THAT'S JUST THE WAY LIFE IS FOR ME
SINCE I WAS ORPHANED AT THIRTY-THREE

THEY CALL ME A JERKOFF, A BURNOUT, A PUNK


BUT I CAN'T LET THAT JUNK IN MY HEAD
I COULD'VE BEEN A CONTENDER
IF NOT FOR THE FACT THAT MY PARENTS ARE DEAD

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, I THINK I TURNED OUT PRETTY GOOD


PULLED MYSELF UP BY MY BOOTSTRAPS AND STARTED
STEALING ALL I COULD

STILL THERE'S NO ONE TO LOVE ME NOW


BUT I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH SOMEHOW
DESPITE BEING SO SADLY AND CRUSHINGLY ALL ALONE

BUT I MAKE A SOLEMN VOW


THAT WHEN I HAVE KIDS OF MY OWN
I'LL BREAK THE CHAIN
YOU'LL SEE, I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER

SO THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THE PAIN


OF BEING ORPHANED AT THIRTY-THREE

PRINCESS
Do you believe in love at first sight?

ALADDIN
Absolutely. I've experienced it. Many, many times.

PRINCESS
Oh Aladdin!

(They are about to kiss. GUARDS enter)


I-4-41

CAPTAIN
There you are!

ALADDIN/PRINCESS
They're after me! They're after you?

ALADDIN
There she is, guys! Get her! Right there!

(GUARDS capture ALADDIN and high-five each other)

CAPTAIN
Got him!

ALADDIN
Come on!

CAPTAIN
(Holding his hand up for a high-five)
Princess, I'm so glad we found you before this criminal was able to --

PRINCESS
Give me my first kiss? And you --
(She turns around and looks at him, puts his hand down)
No high five. And you ruined it. Now let him go.

CAPTAIN
I cannot. This man must face trial for his crimes.

PRINCESS
But that is not fair! He's a victim of circumstance!

CAPTAIN
Victim? Tell that to Bafool's twin brother Abdul! HE was the victim.

PRINCESS
Well, unlike Aladdin, he probably had a family who loved him.

CAPTAIN
Yes.

BAFOOL
(In tears)
Exactly.

CAPTAIN
This man must face the due punishment for all murdering thieves -- beheading!

PRINCESS
AWH!
I-4-42

CAPTAIN
Don't look at me like that! These are my orders from Ja'far. This is all his fault.

PRINCESS
Ja'far is a MONSTER!

#10 -- Ja'far Is a Monster

(Stage darkens. PRINCESS, ALADDIN and GUARDS exit)


I-5-43

ACT ONE
SCENE 5

(The desert. Night. JA'FAR meets with a thief -- GAZEEM)

JA'FAR
You are late.

GAZEEM
A thousand apologies, O patient one.

JA'FAR
You have it then?

GAZEEM
I had to slit a few throats, but I got it.

(He hands JA'FAR half a pendant)

JA'FAR
Oh yes! Yes! The other half of the golden scarab! Now I can finally find the entrance to
the Tiger Head Cave! Wait, wait, what? You slit people's throats? I didn't tell you to kill
anyone! This is awful!

GAZEEM
(Laughs)
Ja'far, no. That is just an expression.

JA'FAR
What?

GAZEEM
Yeah! It means I got a killer deal at the marketplace. Slit, kill a deal --

JA'FAR
Oh! So you bought it off a merchant then?

GAZEEM
Yeah, yeah. A real shrewd businessman too. But I was not intimidated. No. I walked
right into his shop, and I fucked his puppy.

JA'FAR
What?!?

GAZEEM
Hahaha! Ja'far! That is another common expression! It means that I put that merchant in
his place as if he were a defenseless little puppy.

JA'FAR
Oh! Colorful expressions in the marketplace these days.
I-5-44

GAZEEM
You know, Ja'far, you need to learn to relax. Not take everything so serious, man.

JA'FAR
Well, I beg your pardon. You've done an excellent job. Here is your payment.

(He hands him money)

GAZEEM
Ah thank you! Mm! It went great until that merchant realized how bad I screwed him on
the price. Man, did he ever chop my dick off!

JA'FAR
(Thinking that's yet another expression, laughs)
Hahaha! He chopped your dick off! That's a good --

GAZEEM
What the fuck are you laughing at?

JA'FAR
Wha…?

GAZEEM
You think that's funny, Ja'far? Maybe you'd like to take a look at where my dick used to
be!!

(GAZEEM lowers his pants in front of JA'FAR to show he


was not kidding)

JA'FAR
WHOA!!!

GAZEEM
(Exiting)
Asshole!

JA'FAR
We've got a kingdom to save and a lamp to find. The Tiger Head Cave is said to be a
treacherous place. But no matter, I know just the able bodied soul I can risk in good
conscience.

(ALADDIN enters)

ALADDIN
So let me get this straight…you busted me out of jail so I could go to cave filled with
mountains of gold, and the only thing you want is a crummy old lamp?

JA'FAR
Precisely. The rest of the treasure is yours. But the lamp is mine.
I-5-45

ALADDIN
I love you, man! I'm gonna have so much gold I could swim through it! Like a pool. Do
you think people can really do that?

JA'FAR
No. But once you have all that money, you can finally leave your life of crime behind.
Run away and never return.

ALADDIN
I'm totally gonna do that. I just gotta do this one thing first.

JA'FAR
What thing would that be?

ALADDIN
Well, this thing, is a girl.

JA'FAR
What?

ALADDIN
Yeah. She's got these eyes that just -- and her butt wow! And her totties! She's just --
she's just so -- so --

JA'FAR
Beautiful?

ALADDIN
Fuckable. But she's the Princess. To even stand a chance, I'd have to have enough
money to like, hire an army of assassins to kill the royal vizier and all the palace guards.
Then I can sneak in and, you know, pork her. 'Cause, dude, once I get my mind set on a
chick, I just can't move on until I get this nut out.

JA'FAR
Well first you must escape the Tiger Head Cave with your life. THEN you can get your
nut out! Your eternal nut out.

ALADDIN
Nice. So where is this place anyway?

JA'FAR
I don't know…
(Pulls out the scarab halves)
…yet.

(He pieces them together. ALADDIN watches in confusion)

ALADDIN
Whaaaat…
I-5-46

(The SCARAB lights up and comes to life and flies across


the stage)

#11 -- Happy Ending

JA'FAR
It worked! It worked! Follow that trail!

(ALADDIN runs after the SCARAB)

I'LL BE TREATED LIKE A HERO


ALL THE CITIZENS ADORE
THEY'LL THROW A PARADE IN MY HONOR
WITH PEACOCKS AND MONKEYS GALORE

THE PEOPLE WILL CHEER


FOR THE ROYAL VIZIER
FOR ANSWERING DUTY'S CALL

NOT THAT I CARE FOR GLORY


I JUST WANT A STORY
WITH A HAPPY ENDING FOR ALL

ALADDIN
(Reenters)
I CAN'T WAIT TO BE A RICH DUDE
'CAUSE I'VE HEARD IT TOLD
STEALING IS SO MUCH EASIER
WHEN YOU'VE ALREADY GOT TONS OF GOLD

BUT I GOT MY EYE


ON WHAT MONEY CAN'T BUY
'CAUSE THAT PRINCESS IS, OOH, HELLA TIGHT

I'LL BE THE ONE WHO PLUNDERS


HER CAVE OF WONDERS
GET A HAPPY ENDING TONIGHT

(Lights Up on PRINCESS, in her tower)

PRINCESS
MY INNOCENT ALADDIN
PLEASE DARLING DON'T BE DEAD
IT PUTS A DAMPER ON OUR LOVE
IF YOU DON'T HAVE A HEAD

I WISH THAT YOU COULD FLY AWAY


ESCAPE SOMEHOW AND SOAR
AND TAKE ME TO A WORLD WHERE
WE'LL HAVE EVERYTHING AND MORE
I-5-47

(Lights Out on PRINCESS. The cave appears)

JA'FAR
Oh there it is! The entrance to the Tiger Head Cave! Go on!

(ALADDIN enters the cave)

AND ONE DAY THE GENIE WILL SAY TO ME:


"JA'FAR, YOU'RE A MAN OF SUCH VIRTUE
I HATE TO SEE HOW YOUR LONELINESS
AND YOUR MEMORIES HURT YOU

SHOULDN'T A MAN WHO'S SO NOBLE


AND WHO'S INFLUENCE IS SO GLOBAL
HAVE SOMEONE BY HIS SIDE?
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WISHIN'
SO WITH YOUR PERMISSION
I'D LIKE TO BRING BACK YOUR BRIDE"

(SHERREZADE is briefly seen in a spotlight. They reach


for each other. She blows him a kiss and disappears)

AND WITH MY WIFE BESIDE ME


MY FAILURES WILL BE ABSOLVED
THE WORLD WILL BE A PARADISE
WITH ALL ITS PROBLEMS SOLVED
WE'LL RETIRE TO SOME FAR PLACE
AND SHARE AN ITTY-BITTY LIVING SPACE
A HUMBLE YET COZY ABODE

(Lights Back Up on PRINCESS and ALADDIN, who is inside the cave. All
three voices overlapping)

JA'FAR
WHERE WE CAN WRITE OUR OWN HAPPY ENDING

PRINCESS
I WANT EVERYTHING AND MORE…

ALADDIN
I STEAL EVERYTHING

JA'FAR
WE'LL GET OUR HAPPY ENDING

ALADDIN
MEANING EVERYTHING

JA'FAR
AND THAT HAPPY ENDING STARTS…
I-5-48

PRINCESS
I WANT EVERYTHING…

ALADDIN
I'LL STEAL EVERYTHING…

ALL
…TONIGHT…!

(PRINCESS disappears. ALADDIN comes out of the cave,


riding the MAGIC CARPET)

ALADDIN
Woo-hoo!

JA'FAR
What happened?

ALADDIN
Dude! I was swimming through this pile of gold in there, right? When it all turned into
lava! I'm so lucky I escaped on this flying carpet.

JA'FAR
Did you get the lamp?

ALADDIN
Well I got A lamp.

JA'FAR
Oh wonderful, boy! Toss it here!

ALADDIN
Not so fast. You said you wanted a common oil lamp.

JA'FAR
Yes.

ALADDIN
Of absolutely no value.

JA'FAR
Precisely, that's the one!

ALADDIN
No. This couldn't be it. Because this lamp has a magic Djinn inside. He came out for a
bit, and he's really funny!

JA'FAR
Oh I'm sorry I knew about the Djinn, I'm sorry that I deceived you. I just needed it to
save the kingdom.
I-5-49

ALADDIN
Well you lied, dude! All that other treasure was just lava in disguise! So I'm stealing this
thing. Aladdin -- one; old fart -- zippo! See ya!

#11a -- Act I Finale

(ALADDIN flies away on the magic carpet)

JA'FAR
No. NOOOOO!!!

(BLACKOUT. CURTAIN)

END OF ACT ONE


II-1-50

ACT TWO
SCENE 1

#12 -- Entr'acte

(MUSIC turns into a marching beat. Lights Up on


ACHMED in his palace addressing a platoon of
SOLDIERS)

ACHMED
Soldiers! Armies of Pik-zahr! My faithful legions! Your prince has returned!

SOLDIER 1 (Jim)
Prince Achmed, there you are.

SOLDIER 2 (Lauren)
We'd almost forgotten about you.

SOLDIER 3 (Robert)
We weren't sure if you were ever coming back, my prince.

ACHMED
Of course I came back! Why wouldn't I? Men! You would not believe the disrespect
that I was shown on my journey to the Magic Kingdom. But I come to you with proof of
the crimes done against me. Everyone, look at my ass!
(He shows them the rip in his pants)
Tell me, what do you see?

SOLDIER 1
A smooth set of cheeks, my prince.

SOLDIER 2
A clean and pert ass, my lord.

SOLDIER 3
I see the back of your balls.

ACHMED
(Annoyed)
That's right. CLAW MARKS is what you see.

SOLDIERS
Ohh.

ACHMED
And how do you suppose they got there?

SOLDIER 1
You received the manhood of a badger?
II-1-51

SOLDIER 2
You smiled at a crocodile?

SOLDIER 3
Those are stretch marks, they happen.

ACHMED
No! It was a tiger!

SOLDIER 1
Oh, I see! You received the manhood of a tiger!

SOLDIER 2
Yes! Did you hear that, lads? Our prince made love to a tiger!

SOLDIER 3
All hail Achmed! The tiger fucker!

SOLDIERS
Tiger fucker! Tiger fucker! Tiger fucker!

ACHMED
I DID NOT FUCK A TIGER!!! One was set upon me. That darn cat tore through the
seat of my pants and grabbed ahold of my Woody.

SOLDIERS
(A pause)
Tiger fucker! Tiger fucker!

ACHMED
No! No! No! My WOODY. Look.
(He pulls out a Woody doll from Toy Story)
His arm is all fucked up. And now, now he can't come with me to Cowboy Camp!
(Tosses the doll Offstage)
All because of that ungrateful, odious, pretty, beautiful, beautiful princess.
(Weeps)
It's never going to happen. A girl like her. A guy like me. I'm not handsome of the face.

SOLDIER 2
No!

ACHMED
Silence! I have this weird sticky-uppy nose and this ridiculous moustache. I should just
shave it!

SOLDIER 1
Don't you dare!

SOLDIER 2
We love you just the way you are!
II-1-52

SOLDIER 3
No matter what happens, you will always be a prince to me.

ACHMED
Thank you.

#13 -- No One Remembers Achmed

SOLDIER 1
IN YOUR HOMELAND YOU'RE A LEGEND

SOLDIER 2
ALL THE PEOPLE KNOW YOUR NAME

SOLDIER 3
ON THE BATTLEFIELD AND OFF YOU ARE SUPERIOR

ACHMED
I know.
(Sung)
IN THE KINGDOM THOUGH I'M FINDING
THAT MY ONLY CLAIM TO FAME
IS AN INCIDENT INVOLVING MY POSTERIOR

SOLDIERS
POSTERIOR

ACHMED
Please.
(Sung)
I'VE WON SCORES OF BLOODY WARS
AND MOPPED THE FLOORS WITH MY FOES
BUT NO ONE REMEMBERS ACHMED

I'VE EVISCERATED PEASANTS


FROM THEIR HEADS DOWN TO THEIR TOES
BUT NO ONE REMEMBERS ACHMED

SAY MY NAME IN THESE PARTS


AND YOU'LL GET A VACANT STARE
UNTIL YOU MENTION TIGERS
OR SPOTTED UNDERWEAR

SOLDIERS
SPOTTED UNDERWEAR

ACHMED
SO TO RESTORE MY REPUTE
AS A FIERCE FEARSOME BRUTE,
THERE'S ONLY ONE ROUTE I SEE:
II-1-53

(ACHMED)
ARRANGE THE SLAUGHTER OF MILLIONS
OF INNOCENT CIVILIANS
THEN THEY'LL REMEMBER ME
(Spoken)
The kingdom has oppressed us for years. But I've been ignored for too long. We're
going to war!

SOLDIER 1
CAKED IN MUD OR DRENCHED IN BLOOD,
YOU SMELL AS FRESH AS A FLOWER

ACHMED
I guess…

SOLDIERS
BUT NO ONE REMEMBERS ACHMED

SOLDIER 2
YOU CAN PLEASURE SIXTY CONCUBINES IN ONLY AN HOUR

ACHMED
Less!

SOLDIERS
BUT NO ONE REMEMBERS ACHMED

ACHMED
BACK HOME I WAS A HERO
LADIES TREMBLED WHEN I SPOKE
BUT HERE THE WOMEN TREAT ME
LIKE A THROWAWAY JOKE

SOLDIERS
THROW HIM AWAY

ACHMED
I'M A GOD ON EARTH BUT DARNIT
EVEN DEITIES INCARNATE
NOW AND THEN CAN FEEL A LITTLE INSECURE

SOLDIERS
INSECURE

ACHMED
ALL I WANT IS SOME AFFECTION
THIS REJECTION'S ALMOST
TOO MUCH TO ENDURE…
II-1-54

SOLDIERS
TO ENDURE
LOOK AT ALL HE MUST ENDURE

ACHMED
Am I not a thing of beauty? Don't you want a piece of this? Wouldn't you gladly give up
all of your worldly possessions just to greet me when I come home from a one-sided
massacre, and bathe my sweaty, bloody body with your tongue?

SOLDIERS
YOU OOZE SEX WHEN YOU FLEX
THOSE IMPECCABLE PECS

ACHMED
BUT THE PRINCESS REJECTS ME STILL
SHE MAY NOT LOVE ME YET
BUT I'M WILLING TO BET
THAT ONCE I KILL ALL HER PEOPLE SHE WILL…

SOLDIERS
YES SHE WILL
YES SHE ABSOLUTELY WILL

ACHMED
LET THEM LAUGH, THAT'S JUST FINE
BUT THE LAST LAUGH WILL BE MINE

ALL
'CAUSE THEY CAN'T LAUGH WHEN THEY'RE ALL DEAD
I'LL MAKE THEM ALL REGRET
THE DAY THEY CHOSE TO FORGET

ACHMED
WHAT'S THAT NAME EVERYONE?

SOLDIERS
TIGER-FUCKER!

ACHMED
No! Like I said, what's that name?

SOLDIERS
YOU'RE THE COCK OF THE WALK
WITH ABS AS HARD AS A ROCK
NEVERMORE WILL THEY MOCK YOU ACHMED

SOLDIER 1
HE FUCKED A TIGER
II-1-55

ACHMED
I did not fuck a tiger!

SOLDIERS
THEY'LL REMEMBER ACHMED…
THEY'LL REMEMBER ACHMED…
THEY'LL REMEMBER ACHMED…

ACHMED
THEY'LL REMEMBER ME…

SOLDIERS
TIGER FUCKER, TIGER FUCKER
ACHMED IS A TIGER FUCKER!
THEY'LL REMEMBER ACHMED
THE TIGER FUCKING MAN!

ACHMED
What?!

#13a -- No One Remembers Achmed -- Playoff

ACHMED
March!

(ACHMED and SOLDIERS march Offstage. Lights dim)


II-2-56

ACT TWO
SCENE 2

(Lights Up on PRINCESS' room. JA'FAR enters)

JA'FAR
Knock-knock.

PRINCESS
Oh…you. Aren't you busy ruining my life?

JA'FAR
I noticed you weren't at dinner, but I saw you tried to poison my wine. Usually when you
do that, it means you want to talk. What's up, are you mad at me?
(No response. He pretends to leave)
All right. I've got to go find the antidote.

PRINCESS
(Giving in)
Where are you going?

JA'FAR
There she is! So what's wrong?

PRINCESS
Everything! You ripped my heart out and smashed it into a million pieces. And don't act
like you don't know what I'm talking about.

JA'FAR
Uhhhh…

PRINCESS
You know, that innocent boy from the marketplace. The one that you sentenced to
death?
(JA'FAR is blank)
You know! Al -- Al…Illuuh --

JA'FAR
Aladdin?

PRINCESS
Yes Aladdin! The name that will forever be burned into my soul.

JA'FAR
First of all, I would hardly call him a boy. He was well into his thirties.

PRINCESS
He was perfect! Like if you cobbled together all the best features from all the best guys,
and then gave them a tragic backstory! It's like he was designed specifically to appeal to
me.
II-2-57

JA'FAR
Princess, he was not a nice kind of fellow.

PRINCESS
You just didn't know him like I did.

JA'FAR
No, YOU didn't know him like I did!

PRINCESS
I knew everything about him! He was my soul mate! My -- my -- God, I am flaking out,
what was his name?

JA'FAR
Aladdin.

PRINCESS
Aladdin? I'm writing that down.
(She pulls out a pen and writes on the palm of her hand)
Two L's?

JA'FAR
Uh…no. One L, two D's.

PRINCESS
Oh, that looks weird.

JA'FAR
Yeah it's weird. Princess, all your life I've been your vizier, your tutor. Believe it or not,
I care about you. You're going to have to rule this kingdom one day and I'm trying my
best to prepare you.

PRINCESS
But I don't want to be prepared. I want to expect the unexpected.

JA'FAR
So you think you can handle ruling the kingdom right now?

PRINCESS
Absolutely!

JA'FAR
Then how would you like to protect the kingdom against Prince Achmed should he
invade?

PRINCESS
Well -- who?

JA'FAR
Or more simply, how would you fix the socioeconomic inequality?
II-2-58

PRINCESS
Oh, oh! I've been thinking about this a lot lately. And uh hmm, how privileged I am.
And how, because I am the Princess, everyone has to be nice to me and give me things.
So I think it would solve all of the kingdom's problems if we just made everyone a
princess!

JA'FAR
Okay…

PRINCESS
You know it would work!

JA'FAR
Look, you're young. You don't exactly get how things work yet. And, while I don't
appreciate any of your ideas, I do appreciate the fact that you HAVE ideas. Maybe one
day you'll have some GOOD ones. But I wouldn't give another thought to this Aladdin.
He's just like all the other princes in our kingdom. Sexual predators the lot of them!
Their tactics target vulnerable, young girls, and build up false senses of trust and then
isolate them on magic rides of sorts. And when the moment is right, they whip it out.
(PRINCESS has a disgusted look on her face)
You know…their songs.

PRINCESS
Ohh. Songs.

JA'FAR
Be wary of young boys who whip out their songs. A song is often a prelude to a dick. A
song is a dick in sheep's clothing. And if you are ever in doubt, just remember this song:

#14 -- A Song Is a Dick In Sheep's Clothing

JA'FAR
A SONG IS A DICK IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING
A SONG MEANS A DICK IS ON THE WAY

(CAPTAIN enters. MUSIC stops)

CAPTAIN
Ja'far!

JA'FAR
What is it, Captain? Can't you see I'm trying to impart a life lesson? I feel like you only
come to see me when there's bad news.

CAPTAIN
Not this time.

JA'FAR
Oh, thank heavens. What is it then?
II-2-59

CAPTAIN
HORRIBLE news. Some fool atop an elephant is leading a parade throughout the
marketplace.

JA'FAR
A parade? With no permits? No clearing of the streets? What of the apple carts?

CAPTAIN
They're all turned over!

JA'FAR
No!

CAPTAIN
And it gets worse. The madman's throwing gold pieces to the starving masses. And
they're trampling each other to get to it. I counted thirteen dead before the peacocks got
to them.

JA'FAR
Oh shit.

CAPTAIN
This is all your fault, Ja'far. Maybe if YOU threw a parade every once in a while –

JA'FAR
I don't want to hear it!! Captain, let's go. Princess, we'll talk later.

CAPTAIN
(Exiting)
It was actually a pretty good parade. They even had a flying carpet.

JA'FAR
(Aside)
A flying carpet…could it be? No! That Aladdin is far too clever to show his face in the
city again. And even if he did, he'd be in such heavy disguise.

(JA'FAR exits. ALADDIN enters in a brand new outfit)

#14a -- Aladdin's Second Entrance

ALADDIN
Knock, knock, knock! Did somebody order a prince?

PRINCESS
(Gasps, looks at the palm of her hand)
Aladdin!
(She embraces him)

ALADDIN
How the fuck did you know it was me?
II-2-60

PRINCESS
Because it IS you, you're just wearing different clothes.

ALADDIN
Wow. Pretty AND smart. You're the whole shebang, babe.

PRINCESS
But how did you escape being executed?

ALADDIN
Uh…I escaped 'cause I'm a prince.

PRINCESS
You're a prince? But I thought that you were a poor orphan boy. Oh I'm having trouble
believing this.

ALADDIN
No! No! I AM a prince! Everything I told you the other night was a lie. Don't you trust
me?

PRINCESS
So…you're not a tragic figure rebelling against The Man?

ALADDIN
Babe, I AM The Man.

PRINCESS
And you stole all that stuff just 'cause?

ALADDIN
Exactly.

PRINCESS
Ugh. Oh no. Okay, um, now I'm kind of feeling like everything about you that was
attractive to me before isn't really there anymore. No! No, I'm just being indecisive. It's
still you. I've just got to get back on that high that I was on before.

ALADDIN
Oh. You want to get high?

PRINCESS
Yes. Look into my eyes and talk to me some more about the world's injustice!

ALADDIN
Sure. Just let me roll this blunt first.
(He steps aside, takes off his hat and speaks into it)
Yo Djinn, listen up, little dude. I know I can't wish for this chick to fall in love with me
'cause that's against your rules or whatever. But I don't want her to love me. I just want
her to fuck me. Can I wish for that?
(Holds the hat up to his ear)
II-2-61
ALADDIN
No?!? Jeez, how many rules do you got, dude?
(Angrily shakes the hat)
Funny bastard.
(Puts the bat back on)
All right. Guess I'm gonna have to do this the old fashioned way.
(Addresses the Audience)
Hey! Aladdin here. How you guys doing tonight?
(Waits for their reaction)
Cool, now shut up for a second, I want to get serious. You guys know there's a way to
get people to think about sex without even talking about sex? You just gotta do it
subliminally. Watch and learn.
(Goes back to PRINCESS)
Hey, babe, it's such a beautiful night -- take off your clothes.

PRINCESS
What did you just say?

ALADDIN
I said it's beautiful out.

PRINCESS
Oh.

ALADDIN
Look at the west tower of the palace -- and take off your clothes. What does it look like?
A big, long shaft, with a tiny head on top. What does that remind you of?

PRINCESS
A giraffe!

ALADDIN
Really? That's not what I see. Maybe you can't -- take off your clothes -- get a good look
at it from down here. What do you say we take a magic carpet ride? -- And your clothes
off.

(The MAGIC CARPET flies in. ALADDIN hops on it)

PRINCESS
Ooh!

ALADDIN
Let's go to a place that's a bit more isolated -- where you can't escape taking off your
clothes. Take off your clothes, take off your clothes, take off your clothes, take off your
clothes…

(Scene freezes. PRINCESS speaks to the Audience)

PRINCESS
Oh no, you guys. Do you think that Ja'far could be right about Aladdin?
II-2-62

AUDIENCE PLANT
I don't think so!

PRINCESS
Me neither! Aladdin is so nice and charming. I mean, it's not like he's singing or
anything.

#15 -- Take Off Your Clothes

ALADDIN
SEE THAT PALACE OF GOLD?
SHINING, SPARKLING, METALLIC
AND A LITTLE BIT PHALLIC
TAKE A LOOK AND YOU'LL AGREE

SEE THOSE LEAVES ON THE GROUND?


SPELLING SOMETHING EXPLICIT

PRINCESS
S-F-X?

ALADDIN
DON'T YOU BLINK OR YOU'LL MISS IT
GENTLY ASKING YOU AND ME

TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES


SO MANY HIDDEN MESSAGES
SUBTLE, YET SLIGHTLY LEWD
BUT IF YOU'RE SHREWD
THEY'LL PUT YOU IN THE MOOD

TO TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES

PRINCESS
I FEEL COMPELLED SUBCONSCIOUSLY
I DON'T KNOW WHY OR HOW
BUT HERE AND NOW
I'M TEMPTED TO TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES WITH YOU…

ALADDIN
I WANNA TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES WITH YOU

PRINCESS
I FEEL FREE AS A BIRD
WITH NO CAGE AND NO OWNER

ALADDIN
LOOK, THAT PRIEST HAS A BONER
II-2-63

PRINCESS
NO, I THINK THAT'S JUST HIS KNEES

ALADDIN PRINCESS
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES
WHAT A PERFECT ROMANCE
THE UNIVERSE IS TELLING YOU
I CAN'T WAIT TILL WE'RE MARRIED
EACH SIGN IS PLANTED THERE
WITH LOVING CARE
ACCEPT THE COSMIC DARE
AND TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND TAKE OFF
PRINCESS TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS YOUR CLOTHES
YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND
SHOW ME YOUR MAGIC CARPET WITH ME

BOTH
EVEN THE STARS ABOVE
REFLECT OUR LOVE
THEY WANT ME TO TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES WITH YOU

(Behind them the stars spell out FUCK EACH OTHER)

PRINCESS
You love me?

ALADDIN
Sure.

PRINCESS
And you're a prince?

ALADDIN
Babe, I'm the most powerful prince in the world.

PRINCESS
More powerful than Prince Achmed?

ALADDIN
I don't even know who that is.

PRINCESS
Maybe this is how I help save the kingdom. By marrying you. Marry me, Aladdin!

ALADDIN
(Thinks for a minute)
If I do, will you
(Sings)
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES?
II-2-64

PRINCESS
WAIT, NOT SO FAST

ALADDIN
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES

PRINCESS
LET'S MAKE THIS LAST

ALADDIN
AT LEAST YOUR TOP

PRINCESS
ALADDIN, STOP

ALADDIN
Listen, babe, I know you're scared. I am too. I've never done this before.

PRINCESS
Well, until we're married, can't we just sit out here and look up at the stars?

ALADDIN
Okay. Okay. Hey. I respect you, y'know?
(They cuddle for a second, then…)
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES

#15a -- Take Off Your Clothes -- Playoff

(Lights Dim. They exit, making swishy carpet noises)


II-3-65

ACT TWO
SCENE 3

(Another part of the palace, later that night. Enter the


SULTAN with MONKEY)

SULTAN
Hahahaha. But…let me ask you this: is your penis an innie or an outie?

MONKEY
Mmmhh… Innie.

SULTAN
Hmm. Mine too.

JA'FAR
(Enters)
Sultan! My lord, my liege.

SULTAN
Ja'far, can't you see I'm in the middle of a mind-blowing conversation with this furry
man? What is it?

JA'FAR
I was just in the marketplace clearing up after an unauthorized parade, when I saw him.
Prince Achmed is back!

SULTAN
Who?

JA'FAR
(Groveling)
I prayed that he was just a one-off joke, not to be taken seriously. But he's brought the
entire army of Pik-Zahr with him and they'll break through our walls. Our kingdom is
doomed! And I have failed you.

SULTAN
Yes. You have. Like always. And like always, I've had to rectify your incompetence!

JA'FAR
(Stands)
What? How?

SULTAN
Yes! The Princess has finally chosen a suitor. A prince whom she will wed upon the
morrow. He will call upon his armies and they will defeat Prince Achmed.

JA'FAR
Who is this man? This hero?
II-3-66

SULTAN
Why, the greatest prince in all the world! Why, he's got fifty elephants, llamas galore.
Bears, lions…

MONKEY
A brass band!

SULTAN
A brass band!

(ALADDIN and PRINCESS enter)

ALADDIN
And whores! Don't forget about all my whores!

#16 -- Aladdin's Third Entrance

JA'FAR
You! Where is the lamp?
(Grabs him)

ALADDIN
Whoa! Please don't hurt me!

SULTAN
Ja'far, what are you doing to that prince?

JA'FAR
This is no prince! This is the wanted thief Aladdin!

ALADDIN
How the fuck did you know it was me?

PRINCESS
Ja'far, no. Aladdin explained everything to me. He was just pretending to be a wanted
criminal. For fun. He's actually a powerful prince.

JA'FAR
No, he's a liar. This is the truth: I took him into the desert in search of a lamp containing
a wish-granting djinn. Just stay with me. I was hoping to use the lamp to save the
kingdom but this thief stole it from me. And now I suspect… Oh, what the fuck am I
talking about? I know. I KNOW that he used the lamp and wished for this prince
costume! That is what we are looking at right now. I bet the lamp is under that lamp
sized hat!

ALADDIN
Bullshit! Why would I pretend to be a prince? Just to get laid? That's not me.
II-3-67

JA'FAR
Boy, do the first good deed of your life and hand over the lamp. You have selfishly
squandered its magic for long enough!

ALADDIN
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Why are you picking on me, Ja'far? Afraid I'll reveal
your little secret?

JA'FAR
What secret?

ALADDIN
Does anyone else here ever wonder how this guy just opens his yapper and can talk
anybody into anything he wants? What's he using?

JA'FAR
Logic. Reason.

ALADDIN
See, I was kinda thinking uh… Magic.
(MUSIC)
Sultan, Princess, this guy is a sorcerer!

JA'FAR
What!

ALADDIN
Think about it! How is it that he knows so much shit? Hey, Ja'far, where do
hippopotamuses come from?

JA'FAR
Africa.

ALADDIN
See, you fucking know that, sorcerer!

JA'FAR
You are flying by the seat of your pants, boy. No one here believes you!

SULTAN
Yes. I can't believe it. I have had a sorcerer in my midst this entire time! Guards!
Capture that sorcerer!

JA'FAR
No!

CAPTAIN
(Entering)
This is your own fault, Ja'far! I should've known you were a sorcerer.
II-3-68

JA'FAR
You idiots! You're all idiots! Taking the word of that worthless street rat over a lifelong
faithful servant! How I ever served you for all these years I'll never understand. I
would've expected this from all you bozos, but Princess, I am very disappointed in you.

SULTAN
All right, I've heard enough. Seize that vile betrayer. Off with his head!

JA'FAR
(Mostly to the Audience)
No, I don't want to get my head chopped off! So I'm going to combine this bottle of
Potassium Chlorate and this bottle of Sodium Bicarbonate. It will create a large cloud of
smoke which I'll use as a cover to make my escape. It will look as if something magical
has happened, but it's simply a chemical reaction, not sorcery. Chemistry.
(He mixes the bottles)
And poof!

#16a -- Not Sorcery, Chemistry

(Lights Go Out. Smoke rises. JA'FAR is gone. Everyone


else is coughing. Lights Up)

ALADDIN
Whoa! I thought I was just bullshitting you guys! But he actually was a sorcerer!
(Suddenly creeped out)
Ohh I was in the same room as a sorcerer!

SULTAN
Captain! Find that sorcerer!

(SULTAN, CAPTAIN, PRINCESS and MONKEY exit)

ALADDIN
Oh I can handle this, I got one wish left! I was saving it for a bigger dick, but…
(He takes off his hat and reaches in)
Oh shit! Where's the lamp?

(Lights Dim, ALADDIN runs off)


II-4-69

ACT TWO
SCENE 4

(JA'FAR'S quarters. He enters holding the lamp)

#17 -- Twisted

JA'FAR
I'VE GONE AGAINST MY SULTAN,
THE HIGHEST ACT OF TREASON
BUT I HAD GOOD INTENTIONS
I DID IT FOR A REASON.

THEY'LL KILL ME IF I'M LUCKY


THEY'LL TORTURE ME IF NOT
WHAT MADE ME THINK THAT I COULD
GET AWAY WITH SUCH A PLOT?

IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO BRING IT BACK


PERHAPS I'LL BE FORGIVEN
BUT IF MY CRIME CAN HELP IMPROVE
THE WORLD WE ALL MUST LIVE IN

AM I NOT BOUND BY DUTY


TO THE PEOPLE OF THIS NATION?
HOW DOES THE GOLDEN RULE APPLY
IN SUCH A SITUATION?

AS A CITIZEN I THINK I WOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THE AID


BUT IF I WERE THE SULTAN, I SHOULD HATE TO BE BETRAYED

WHICHEVER ROAD I TAKE WILL


ONLY ENCOURAGE SOMEONE'S WRATH
'TIL NOW I'VE ALWAYS TRAVELED
DOWN THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW PATH

TEMPTATION MAY HAVE BECKONED,


BUT I ALWAYS HAVE RESISTED,
BUT WHICH WAY DO I TURN
WHEN THE ROAD'S BECOME SO…SO…

(From Offstage, we hear the voice of URSULA THE SEA


WITCH)

URSULA (Jaime Lyn)


Twisted?
(She enters)

JA'FAR
Who are you?
II-4-70

URSULA
A fellow traveler down a twisted path.

JA'FAR
I know you from Sherrezade's stories!

URSULA
Uh-uh-uh. You think you know me, as others think they know you, but there are two
sides to every story.
(Sung)
I USED TO BE THE RULER OF THE OCEAN
I WAS BENEVOLENT AND ALWAYS KEPT MY WORD
BUT MY BROTHER HELD THE ANTIQUATED NOTION
THAT WOMEN SHOULD BE SEEN AND NEVER HEARD

SO HE DETHRONED ME AND DISOWNED ME


AND ON TOP OF THAT REZONED ME
TO THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE KINGDOM IN A CAVE
TOOK MY SCEPTER AND MY CROWN
THOUGH I TRIED TO TAKE HIM DOWN
THE TRUTH AND I NOW SHARE A WATERY GRAVE.

THE STORY LINGERS ON


BUT THE VERSION THAT IS DRAWN IS TWISTED

SCAR (Nick)
(Offstage)
A pain I know all too well.
(Enters, sings)
THE PRIDE HAD NEVER SEEN A MORE PROGRESSIVE KING THAN ME
BOTH LION AND HYENA LIVED IN PERFECT HARMONY
I BROUGHT AN END TO WHAT HAD BEEN
A SENSELESS AGE-OLD FEUD
I WAS PREPARED FOR ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR WHAT ENSUED

MY BROTHER ATE MY HEIRS -- MY PRECIOUS CUBS! --


AND STOLE MY THRONE
RETURNED TO SEGREGATION
AND THE HATEFUL WAYS WE'D KNOWN

THOUGH I'D ADVOCATE FOR UNITY, I ALWAYS WAS DENOUNCED


SO WHEN I SAW AN OPPORTUNITY TO RIGHT THE WRONG --
I POUNCED!

THE PRIDE CAME BEFORE MY FALL


IN A FATE THAT ONE MIGHT CALL --
WELL, TWISTED
(Spoken)
They weren't ready for my ideas.
II-4-71

URSULA
No, they didn't hate you because of your ideas. They hated you because of that evil-
looking scar on your face. Fortune favors the beautiful.

GASTON (Robert)
(Offstage)
Au contraire!
(Enters)
My only crime was love. In town there was only she who was as beautiful as me -- on
the inside. But then, tragedy struck. She was taken hostage in a castle filled with
demonic furniture. So I did what anyone would do and I organized a rescue mission. But
how was I to know that she had fallen in love with her captor? To me, that doesn't seem
entirely healthy, especially since he's a wolf-bear thing. A buffalo monster. In a cape.
But the heart wants what it wants --
(Sung)
AND SOMETIMES WHAT IT WANTS IS TWISTED

OFFSTAGE VOICES
TWISTED, TWISTED…
(Repeats under the following dialogue):

URSULA
I only wished to reclaim what was mine!

SCAR
I only wished for equal rights for all!

GASTON
I only wished to save her!

MALEFICENT (Lauren)
(Enters)
I only wished to be invited to the party!

SCAR
I only wished to improve relations between the races!

CAPTAIN HOOK (Alex)


(Enters)
I only wished to teach the boy responsibility…

URSULA
I only wished to give the people a voice…

CAPTAIN HOOK
…So he wouldn't end up like me.

GASTON
I only wished to love her!
II-4-72

URSULA
To help the miserable, lonely, and depressed!

MALEFICENT
To be included…

SCAR
To live in harmony!

MALEFICENT
…For once!

CAPTAIN HOOK
I never knew my father!

ALL VILLAINS SOLO VILLAINS


(Frenzied) (Overlapping)
I only wished -- I only wished -- -- for justice!
I only wished -- I only wished -- -- for love!
I only wished -- I only wished -- -- for freedom!
I only wished -- I only wished -- -- for peace!

ALL
I only wished! I only wished! I only wished!
(Repeat until…)

CRUELLA DE VIL (Denise)


(Enters)
I only wished to have a coat made out of puppies!

(MUSIC stops. ALL react in horror with a cluttered


conversation):

ALL
(Adlib)
Oh my God! What's wrong with you lady? Just leave! Why would you do that? That's
insane! Get out! You're not helping! Etc.

(CRUELLA DE VIL leaves. MUSIC starts again)

URSULA
It's an unfortunate situation…
(As the other VILLAINS exit)
But you do have a choice.
(And she is gone)

JA'FAR
WHAT REMAINS OF A MAN WHEN THAT MAN IS DEAD AND GONE?
ONLY MEMORIES AND STORIES OF HIS DEEDS WILL LINGER ON
II-4-73

(JA'FAR)
BUT IF A MAN'S ACCOMPLISHMENTS
AREN'T IN THE TALE THEY TELL
ARE THE DEEDS THAT GO UNHERALDED HIS LEGACY AS WELL?
IF A WAR BREAKS OUT TOMORROW, WE'LL ALL HAVE HELL TO PAY
WHY PROTECT MY REPUTATION? I'M A DEAD MAN EITHER WAY

HOW WILL THEY TELL MY STORY?


HOW WILL THEY TELL MY TALE?
WILL ANYBODY EVEN CARE?

THE QUESTION THEN IS WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND


TO BE WELL-LIKED BUT INEFFECTUAL, OR MORAL BUT MALIGNED?

I'LL NEVER BE A HERO WHO ALL THE CITIZENS ADORE


BUT IF I HIDE TO SAVE MY LIFE, WHAT HAS MY LIFE BEEN FOR?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE BEEN FOR?

THE ROAD AHEAD MAY TWIST, BUT I WILL NEVER SWERVE


I'LL GIVE THEM ALL THE UNSUNG ANTIHERO THEY DESERVE
I'VE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE
SO THE ONLY PATH TO CHOOSE IS TWISTED

LET THEM TWIST MY WORDS, LET THE PEOPLE SCORN ME


WHO CARES IF NO ONE WILL EVER MOURN ME?
LET THEM BURY THE SIDE OF THE STORY THEY'LL NEVER LEARN
LET THE TRUTH BE TWISTED
LET MY LIFE BE TWISTED
I'LL BE TWISTED, IT'S MY TURN!

OFFSTAGE VOICES
OH OH OH!

(JA'FAR rubs the magic lamp. Lights Go Out)

#17a -- Army March


II-5-74

ACT TWO
SCENE 5

(The Palace Gates. The next morning. ACHMED and his


ARMY enter)

ACHMED
Citizens of the Magic Kingdom: your armies have abandoned you. Your ruling class is
corrupt and we have come to put an end to your tyrannical rule!

PRINCESS
(Enters)
You'll never end our tyrannical rule!

ACHMED
Oh Princess! Funny seeing you here. It is I, Prince Achmed!

PRINCESS
Who?

ACHMED
Prince Achmed. I visited you last week. I swore vengeance? I brought my army to
ravage your people?

PRINCESS
Oh! That's right! Didn't my tiger eat your ass?

SOLDIERS
Tiger fucker! Tiger fucker!

ACHMED
Stop it!
(Turns to PRINCESS)
No! Your tiger did not eat…
(Through gritted teeth to his SOLDIERS)
…or fuck…my ass. It is I who will be doing the fucking today.

SOLDIER 1
That's right. Bring Achmed his tiger and nobody gets hurt.

ACHMED
SHUT UP! Stop it. Uh, what I meant was that I'm going to fucking destroy this
kingdom.

PRINCESS
I'm so sorry, Achmed. You are not fucking destroying this kingdom anytime soon.

ACHMED
What?
II-5-75

PRINCESS
We have a great and powerful prince to protect us. One with an army far greater than
yours!

ACHMED
Impossible.

PRINCESS
It is said that he faced the galloping hordes.
(ACHMED shrugs)
That's like a hundred bad guys with swords. Soon you will be the one surrendering!
Prince Achmed, make way for Prince Aladdin!
(ACHMED and SOLDIERS take a fighting stance. Nothing
happens)
Aladdin!
(Again, nothing)
Al --
(She looks at her palm)
Yeah, Aladdin! Where is he?

ACHMED
Heeheeheehee! It appears that your prince has cold feet! Now step aside, Princess. It's
not you that I'm after. I come for the head of the Sultan.

JA'FAR
(Enters)
Then you come for my head, Achmed!

PRINCESS
Ja'far?

ACHMED
Ja'far…

SOLDIER 3
(Almost singing)
Ja'far!

ACHMED
(Glares at SOLDIER 3, then turns to JA'FAR)
What is the meaning of this? You are not the Sultan.

JA'FAR
Yes I am! I have been gifted power, Achmed! And soon I will have the power to destroy
your puny army!

ACHMED
Impossible.

#18 -- Djinn Fanfare


II-5-76

JA'FAR
Come forth, my Djinn! You all-powerful and terrible thing! You who can command the
very stars and the moon! Come forth and serve your master!

(PRINCESS exits. JA'FAR rubs the lamp. The DJINN enters.


He is immediately captivated by the Audience. He speaks only
in movie references, impersonating various celebrities)

DJINN
(to JA'FAR, ala Robert De Niro)
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?

JA'FAR
Yes I am talking to you! Now get your ass over here!

DJINN
(Jack Nicholson)
Here's Johnny!

JA'FAR
All right, Johnny.

DJINN
(Jeff Goldblum)
That's the thing, John, uh, when Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't
eat the tourists.

JA'FAR
So I've used my first wish to become the Sultan!

DJINN
(Jimmy Stewart)
I wish I had a million dollars. Hot dog!

JA'FAR
Okay calm the fuck down! Now I must use your powers again, my Djinn.

DJINN
(Humphrey Bogart)
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

JA'FAR
Who?

DJINN
(Orson Wells)
Rosebud.

ACHMED
Ja'far, what's going on here? Who's this very funny blue man standing next to you?
II-5-77

JA'FAR
This is my Djinn, Johnny.

DJINN
(Arnold Schwarzenegger)
I'm Turboman!

JA'FAR
I'm sorry, I guess his name is actually Turboman.

DJINN
(Michael Keaton)
Ssh! I'm Batman!

JA'FAR
Just give me a minute.
(Pulls DJINN aside)
Listen! I am a mortal man and don't understand your strange godlike tongue. You're
going to have to work with me here.

DJINN
(Bob Hoskins)
I don't work for toons. A toon killed my brother.

JA'FAR
I have got to use my second wish to destroy that army, and to do that, I've got to become
more than a man. I've got to become --

DJINN
A symbol?

JA'FAR
No.

DJINN
A jedi?

JA'FAR
No.

DJINN
A dick for!

JA'FAR
What's a dick for?

(EVERYONE laughs! Even JA'FAR chortles a bit)

ACHMED
Oh! He got your ass! He got your ass!
II-5-78

JA'FAR
NO! I've got to become a sorcerer! Can you do that?

DJINN
Yeah…
(Clint Eastwood)
But you're gonna have to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well do ya,
punk?

JA'FAR
Yes, I do feel lucky. I've got a magic Djinn! But I think he might be a fucking moron!

DJINN
(Mike Myers)
Hey. Don't look at me like I'm frickin Frankenstein. Give your father a hug. Scott,
Scott, c'mon, Scott.

(Confused, JA'FAR gives the DJINN a hug)

DJINN
(Charlton Heston)
Get your stinking paws off me, you damn, dirty ape!

JA'FAR
Turboman! My fuse is about this long right now. Are you referencing something? Are
you trying to make me laugh at some work of fiction that I'm unaware of? I was not
charmed by the song you sang when you came out of the lamp, and I am not charmed by
your crazy bullshit now. You either need to back me the fuck up, or shut the fuck up.
Got it?

DJINN
(Renée Zellweger)
You had me at Hello.

JA'FAR
Good.

JA'FAR
(Turns away)
Achmed, are you still there?

ACHMED
Yes.

JA'FAR
Prepare to die! I make my second wish. I wish to become the most powerful sorcerer in
the world.
II-5-79

DJINN
(Mike Myers again)
Schwing.

#19 – The Battle

(Lights Go Out for a moment. When they come back on,


the DJINN is gone along with the lamp)

ACHMED
Don't just stand there! Charge!

(The SOLDIERS attack JA'FAR. Using his new powers, he


telekinetically sends them flying Offstage)

SOLDIER 2
Hey! Where we going?

(JA'FAR exits. ACHMED chases after him. Scene shifts to


inside the palace. ALADDIN enters)

ALADDIN
Monkey? Monkey? I got the carpet, where'd you go? Ah, forget him. See ya in hell,
Monkey! See ya in hell, Princess! See ya in hell, kingdom!

PRINCESS
(Enters)
Aladdin!

ALADDIN
I was looking all over for you!

PRINCESS
Achmed is attacking. Where is your army?

ALADDIN
Uh, they're just lost right now. I'm gonna go meet them halfway, then bring them back
here and --

PRINCESS
We don't have time for that. We're all gonna die!

ALADDIN
Right! And what's the last thing you wanna do before that happens? Take off your
clothes. That's right, have sex! Hurry, take off your clothes.

PRINCESS
I'm not going to take off my clothes in the middle of a battle!
(Exits)
II-5-80

ALADDIN
Why not?

(ALADDIN follows her Offstage. JA'FAR enters fighting


off a SOLDIER)

JA'FAR
No! No! No!
(He sends him Offstage)

SOLDIER 3
My skin is melting!

JA'FAR
Djinn, Djinn, where are you?

(We hear ACHMED'S voice from Offstage):

ACHMED
Come and fight me, Ja'far! Fight me like a man, you cowardly snake!

DJINN
(Enters, holding the lamp. Ala Samuel L. Jackson)
All right! I'm tired of these motheruckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!

JA'FAR
Djinn, Achmed's forces are too great. Even with all my power I cannot defeat them.
We'll have to take as many civilians as we can, move them to the palace and retreat.

DJINN
(Peter Cushing)
In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.

(MUSIC stops)

JA'FAR
Would you stop acting like an asshole for one minute?

DJINN
(Dustin Hoffman)
Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me.

JA'FAR
Okay, okay. Just move that palace to the top of that fucking cliff. Over there!

DJINN
(Jim Carey)
All righty then!
II-5-81

(MUSIC resumes. DJINN makes magic noises. He and


JA'FAR exit. ALADDIN and PRINCESS enter)

ALADDIN
Come on, babe, you're such a tease! You're making my balls as blue as my genie's balls.

PRINCESS
I'm not a tease. I'm just…not a freak.

ALADDIN
Oh! Oh right, you're like a strong, powerful woman. So maybe what you need is a
strong, powerful man to go all strong and powerful on you.

PRINCESS
Aladdin, stop. You're pissing me off. You're making sex seem gross and lame. In fact,
I'm sure, yeah! I'm never going to have sex with you!

(MUSIC stops. ALADDIN is in shock)

ALADDIN
Wha?
(Pause)
You should never say never, babe. Take off your clothes. Take off your clothes. Why
isn't it working?!

JA'FAR
(Enters)
What the hell is going on in here?

PRINCESS
Nothing! You got that, Aladdin? We are not a thing anymore, okay?

ALADDIN
We're just having our first fight. Maybe after some make up sex…

PRINCESS
No.

ALADDIN
You know what? I thought you were mature for your age. But you're just like all the
other sixteen-year-old princesses I've dated. Except you're forgetting one thing -- I'm a
thief.
(Pulls out a dagger)
I take what I want!

#19a -- Ja'far's Epiphany

(ALADDIN grabs the PRINCESS and holds the dagger to


her throat. JA'FAR tries to stop him)
II-5-82

ALADDIN
Get back! One step and the little girl gets it!

JA'FAR
I'm not moving. Just be cool.

ALADDIN
Who are you telling me to be cool, motherfucker? I'm getting out of here! I'm making a
clean getaway back to my apartment, and little Princess is coming with me!

JA'FAR
No! I won't let you take her! You have no idea how much that girl means to me. I love
her!

(MUSIC stops)

ALADDIN
Uh you love her? Dude, she's like half your age. You're a total pedo!

JA'FAR
No, not that kind of love, you shit-for-brains! You don't understand. My wife was with
child when she was taken by the Sultan. She died in childbirth. And then the Princess
was coincidentally born around…
(MUSIC. It finally dawns on him)
…the same time. By Allah, how could I have never seen it before? The Sultan inverted
his penis years ago. He couldn't have children! Aladdin, please. Don't hurt her. I love
her like a daughter! Surely even you have felt this kind of love before.

ALADDIN
Oh yeah…

(ALADDIN lets the PRINCESS go. He steps away into the


spotlight, which possibly shifts or changes colors depending
on the two personalities ALADDIN is about to reveal to us)

#19b -- Aladdin's Monologue

ALADDIN
…I loved my parents.
But that didn't stop me from doing what needed to be done.
What?
Yeah, dude, remember me?
You? You're the guy who killed my parents. Where have you been?
In your reflection! I live here.
No, I live here.
Nooooo. You're just squattin' here!
Wait. If I'm you, then that means…I killed my parents? But I didn't want them to
die.
Who are you kidding? You wished for it every goddamn day of your life. They were
gonna kick you out of the house!
II-5-83

(ALADDIN)
They were, weren't they…
Make you get a job!
I don't want one of those.
That's why they had to die!
Wow. I guess you're right. I guess I should be thanking you.
Yeah, I think a 'thank you' is in order!
Well thank you.
You're welcome! Now, time to get that lamp back.
Wait, what are you going to do with the lamp?
Wish for stuff, jackass! Like how you wished to be this prince. Pretty good idea, by
the way. But there are better ideas. Better wishes.
Like what?
I don't know…but it's gonna be one hell of a ride.

(MUSIC stops. Lights return to normal. JA'FAR and


PRINCESS are backed up, terrified)

JA'FAR
Okay, Jesus Christ, I don't know what's going on here. But you are in no position to be
handling that knife or this lamp!

#19c -- Ja'far's Final Wish

ALADDIN
Back off!
Listen to him, man, he'll kill you!
Yeah, now you're getting it! See, I'm the one who deserves that lamp. Because I'm the
best wisher. Because I'm the best wisher. That's the trick! You just really have to
believe your own bullshit! Who else could've done it and come this far? You? You're
an ugly old fart!

JA'FAR
You're right, you're right. I'm not the kind of person who can use the lamp. I don't
believe in wishes. It takes someone who believes they can change the world to actually
do it.

ALADDIN
Yeah. Someone like me. So why don't you hand that lamp over to someone who knows
how to use it?

JA'FAR
I think I will. But if I give you the lamp, will you give me the Princess?

ALADDIN
Sure you can have this prude!
(He throws her to him)
I can wish for a slutty princess, or a million! I can wish for anything!
(Gesturing to himself)
Ooh I'm getting excited about this guy!
II-5-84

JA'FAR
Then so be it!
(He almost hands ALADDIN the lamp, then takes it back)
But first, I make my final wish. Djinn, I wish to take your place as the wish granter. Do
you hear that? You're free! I wish to be the all powerful genie!

DJINN
(Enters, ala Bill Murray)
It's Groundhog Day!

(Lights Dim, JA'FAR and DJINN exit. ALADDIN angrily


grabs the lamp)

ALADDIN
What?!? No! The Djinn can't be free! I didn't get my last wish! Oh come on, work, you
stupid lamp! This isn't fair! Life is supposed to be fair!

(JA'FAR reenters as a red djinn with pointy ears, holding a


black lamp)

JA'FAR
Yes! The absolute power!

ALADDIN
Oh shit!!!
(He runs off)

JA'FAR
The universe is mine to command! To control!
(MUSIC stops. Lights return to normal)
And I am at your service, Princess.

PRINCESS
Ja'far! You're like a devil guy…

JA'FAR
No, I'm just a djinn.

PRINCESS
Oh. Why did you wish for that?

JA'FAR
Don't you see? Aladdin was right about one thing. My wishes were weak. But you.
Your youth and your passion, and yes, your naïveté -- these give you power. When I was
your age, I thought I could accomplish anything I ever wanted and more! But I didn't.
Perhaps no one does. But you have to think you will or you won't have the strength to
try. And maybe you won't make any big changes, but a few little ones that pave the way
for the next generation. And then they'll make small changes and leave it to the next and
the next! It's a bit like a carousel of progress. Always spinning towards a great, big,
beautiful tomorrow. And tomorrow is just a dream away.
II-5-85

PRINCESS
But what if tomorrow never comes?

#20 -- The Power In Me

JA'FAR
No. Tomorrow always comes. Even if it comes without us. Without me. The lamp and
the djinn must return to the Tiger Head Cave, but before I go, I can grant three wishes.

PRINCESS
I don't think I'm ready.

JA'FAR
Oh, you must be. This is your kingdom now.

PRINCESS
WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT YOU TO GUIDE ME?
WHEN I AM LOST, WHERE WILL I TURN?
SO MANY DOUBTS AND FEARS INSIDE ME
I'M JUST A CHILD; I'VE SO MUCH TO LEARN

JA'FAR
YOU REMIND ME OF SOMEONE
I KNEW LONG AGO
YOU HAVE HER EYES, YOU HAVE HER HEART
THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU SO
AND THAT'S HOW I KNOW

SOMEWHERE DEEP WITHIN YOU


LIKE A TINY SEED
WAITING TO GROW INTO A FLOWER
YOU HAVE THE POWER TO LEAD

YOU'VE DONE YOUR BEST TO HEED ME


BUT YOU DON'T NEED ME AS A GUIDE
FOR IT'S BEEN IN YOU ALL ALONG --
THE POWER INSIDE

PRINCESS
IF I DO HAVE POWER
BEYOND WHAT MEETS THE EYE
THE SOURCE OF ALL MY HIDDEN VALUE
IS THE MORALE YOU SUPPLY

IF I'M CAPABLE OF GREATNESS


IT'S NOT INNATENESS, DON'T YOU SEE?
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PUT IT THERE --
THE POWER IN ME
II-5-86

BOTH
DO NOT BE FOOLED BY APPEARANCES
FOR THOUGH IT MAY SEEM SMALL
THE POWER TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER
IS THE GREATEST POWER OF ALL
NO MATTER WHERE LIFE LEADS US
WE'LL NEVER BE APART

JA'FAR
THROUGH THICK AND THIN

PRINCESS
SUCCESS OR RUIN

BOTH
I'LL CARRY YOU IN MY HEART
AND I WILL TREASURE FOREVER
WHAT THE WORLD WILL NEVER SEE

JA'FAR
YOU ARE KIND, AND THAT'S ENOUGH

PRINCESS
YOU'RE A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH

BOTH
AND YOU ARE THE POWER
THE POWER IN ME
THE POWER IN ME…

JA'FAR
Now, Princess, what do you wish of me?

PRINCESS
(She holds the lamp)
I wish there was a way to end the war in Pik-Zahr peacefully! And I wish the kingdom
had a sultan who would make it the happiest place on earth again!

JA'FAR
What else?

PRINCESS
I WISH YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO
WHEN OUR STORY'S JUST BEGUN

JA'FAR
I'm sorry, Princess. There are a couple provisos, a few quid pro quos. That's one wish I
cannot grant.
II-5-87

PRINCESS
THEN I WISH YOU EVERY HAPPINESS

JA'FAR
IT IS DONE

(JA'FAR takes the lamp and exits. The SLAVE GIRLS


enter)

SLAVE GIRL 1
Princess! Princess! There you are!

PRINCESS
What is it?

SLAVE GIRL 2
It's your father. We went in to give him his daily pleasuring and we found him dead.

SLAVE GIRL 1
In his cold, dead hand, we found this declaration. Apparently his last act as sultan was
signing it.

SLAVE GIRL 2
(Reads it)
"From this moment forth, the Princess shall be the majority stockholder and sole ruler of
the kingdom."

CAPTAIN
(Enters)
Princess, it's a miracle!

PRINCESS
What?

CAPTAIN
Achmed's artillery just blew open a secret vault in the palace containing the lost treasure
of Ali Baba.

(ACHMED enters with his SOLDIERS)

ACHMED
Here it is, men -- the throne room!

PRINCESS
I'm sorry, Achmed, you are not destroying this kingdom anytime soon.

ACHMED
Wanna bet?
II-5-88

PRINCESS
No. I want to buy. For my first act as Sultan, I'm going to purchase the entirety of Pik-
Zahr in the name of the Magic Kingdom.

ACHMED
Are you being ridiculous with me right now, Princess? Buy Pik-Zahr? We are a proud
and noble people, very protective of our name and brand. I could never sell Pik-Zahr for
any amount of money.

PRINCESS
Captain, how much was Ali Baba's treasure?

CAPTAIN
It was more money than I had ever seen. But I was able to count it. 7.4 billion drachma.

ACHMED
Sold!
(Shakes hands with PRINCESS)
And a pleasure doing business with you, Princess.

PRINCESS
But there is one condition: you must bring in new administrators from your land. Men
with good ideas to help us rebuild.

ACHMED
Well that can be arranged. We'll set you on the right track.

PRINCESS
But you must respect our traditions and our heritage. Please return our kingdom to its
commitment to duty and devotion. You must bring back the two D's.

CAPTAIN
(Bowing)
All hail our new sultan -- The Princess!

(Everyone else drops to their knees, PRINCESS raises


them)

#20a -- Everyone Is a Princess

PRINCESS
Oh rise, rise! From now on, no one need bow to anyone else. Equality will finally come
to this kingdom for all. From now on, everyone is a princess!

SLAVE GIRL 2
Even me?

PRINCESS
Even you!
II-5-89

MONKEY
(Pops his head from around the curtain)
Even me?

PRINCESS
Oh yes, even you!

CAPTAIN
So many great things have happened today. This is all Ja'far's fault.

PRINCESS
Yes, you're right, Captain.

CAPTAIN
Captain? Don't you mean Princess?

PRINCESS
I am so sorry, Princess.

CAPTAIN
Darn tootin'!

(Everyone laughs and exits)

ACHMED
(Offstage)
Wait, what happened to Ja'far?

(Scene fades…)
II-6-90

ACT TWO
SCENE 6

(Inside the lamp. It is dark and gloomy. JA'FAR is alone)

JA'FAR
So this is the life of a djinn. Phenomenal cosmic powers. Shitty, shitty living space. So
ends the untold story of a royal vizier.

SHERREZADE
(Entering)
Funny. That's not the ending I recall.

JA'FAR
What?

#20b -- The Lovers Reunited

SHERREZADE
You're forgetting the best part, when the two lovers are reunited and they live happily
ever after.

JA'FAR
Sherrezade, but how?

SHERREZADE
I'm pretty sure someone wished for your happiness. So I've come back to stay with you
in the lamp. Doesn't this make you happy?

JA'FAR
Yes of course! But doesn't that mean you're trapped here forever?

SHERREZADE
I always said a thousand and one nights wasn't enough!

(They embrace)

JA'FAR
Oh, then the Princess -- she really did it! Her other wishes -- ?

SHERREZADE
Came true as well! By making everyone a princess, she ensured that they were all treated
with respect and compassion. They all did unto others as they were done unto.

JA'FAR
She followed the Golden Rule!

SHERREZADE
And led her people into the third Golden Age.
II-6-91

JA'FAR
But, Sherrezade, how do you know these things?

SHERREZADE
The lamp may exist outside of time and space. It's how the Djinn was able to watch all
those funny movies he quoted. We can see anything, anytime, anywhere.

JA'FAR
Oh then let's see what happened to that thief Aladdin!

#20c -- Aladdin's Ending

(ALADDIN enters, in his middle age, as a merchant


wearing a turban. He speaks directly to the Audience)

ALADDIN
Ah, salaam and good evening, worthy friends! Please come closer! Ooh, a little too
close!

JA'FAR
Is that Aladdin? He's old and fat!

ALADDIN
(Holding an item)
Yes look at this -- combination hookah and coffee maker! Also makes Julienne fries!
Will not break! Will not --
(It breaks)
It broke.

JA'FAR
He's hocking second-hand goods. He's a loser!

ALADDIN
(Holding the lamp)
This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man's life. A young
man who was not what he seemed…

(Lights Fade on ALADDIN)

SHERREZADE
He does this till his fifty-fifth year when he is killed by a thief over a loaf of bread. And
that's the end of the true story.

JA'FAR
And what of our story? How does it end?

SHERREZADE
It doesn't.

(The entire COMPANY enters and sings)


II-6-92

#21 -- A Thousand and One Nights (Reprise)

COMPANY
A THOUSAND AND ONE LIFETIMES
IS NOT ENOUGH TO SPEND

JA'FAR & SHERREZADE


AT LAST WE HAVE A STORY WITH NO END!

COMPANY
LET THIS BE A STORY
WITH…NO…END!
AH…AH…AH…!

(JA'FAR and SHERREZADE kiss. BLACKOUT.


CURTAIN)

THE END

#22 -- Bows/Exit Music