Académique Documents
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(a diary)
Esther C.
Begin Reading
Table of Contents
Copyright Page
Table of Contents
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Disclaimer
Introducton: Disappearing Ink
1 The Change
2 Stepping Alone into a Dream
3 Gem and Saying Goodbye
4 Wild Child
5 The Whirlwind
6 Summer of Vampires
7 Black Trench Coat Assembly
8 Into the Shadows
9 Virgin's Blood and the Dizzying Heights
10 Cold Winds Blow
11 Holiday Ghosts
12 Down and Out in Berkeley, Junior High
13 The Awakening
14 The Test
15 Hope at the End of the Rope
16 The Leaps
17 Dry Flowers
18 The Harvest
19 The Magic of Passion- a Rite of Passage
About the Author
Publishing Informaton
Dedicated to my parents, their parents before
them and to all the kids of the past, present
and future.
You are loved.
I would like to acknowledge every person who helped
with this book.
You know who you are.
Thank you.
And to Cybil.
Thank you.
“Let it Rain, Let it Rain” (a diary) is based on actual diaries
but is not entirely a work of nonfiction; parts have been
fictionalized to varying degrees. Names have been
changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.
Introduction: Disappearing Ink
Transcribed from faded papers written over a
quarter a century ago, these stories are the relics
of an era when history itself was scribbled down
effectively in a disappearing ink.
* * *
”Let it Rain, Let it Rain” (a diary) is based on the
diaries of Esther C.
1 THE CHANGE
Still, alone
the beauty of the frozen greenness
and the chilled river
the fog rising
seems so alive
the sun shines bright and cold
my breath is so alive
watch it sing
with the awakening birds
in daylight
11
Wed. March 30th, 1988
10:00am
Sorry for not writing sooner but my father has been
keeping me on my feet as much as possible. This is
what we did:
cool huh?
12
Ok, gotta go!
Goodbye, Esther
And from what she told me, she (and/or her mother)
don’t really know what true friendship is.
14
Also, as I said before, I got my hair cut and permed;
personally I think it looks nice, but I don’t know how
other people will react.
Esther
15
Goodbye. Esther
Wed. April. 6, “88”
In, school, in 4th period Math.
Boys:
Sean, Ryan
Girls:
16
Thurs. April 7, 1988
Hi, I’m in Fifth Period Science; I finished my test
early, so I’m just sitting here.
17
Maybe it’s the perm. Or maybe New York did change
me. I think it did.
I’d usually read this same big book (we couldn’t check
it out). The book was about witches and witchcraft.
Mostly, it was just a history book, but one rain spell I
got from it would always work for me:
"Let it rain
Let it rain,
The old woman is in the lair,
The little bird sings
And the cock crows.”
(You write on pink paper with red pen, fold it and tie in
a certain way with red string, and then soak with red
wine vinegar.)
The word got out, and other girls wanted the love
spell too. It got really popular and lots of girls were
trying it. After that, I made some friends-
Esther
20
(later) 6:30pm
Hi, I should be cleaning my room, but I wanted to
finish what I was saying earlier- I was writing before
about how much things have changed now that I am
in Seventh Grade, especially with my friends.
But even though Aisha and Kanti did that in the sixth
grade, I stayed friends with both of them.
But then one day in school, Aisha said that she was
just “using me for my MTV", which didn’t even make
sense, because what we had in common, was that
we both liked to going to the library and reading- and
we barely ever watched TV together.
22
So after that, Amy and Christine became my only
friends at King. Neither of them went to Malcolm X,
nor do they know Paula and Cynthia. For that, I am
glad.
But then once, at the end of the sixth grade, Blair and
I read each others futures. I had always given Blair
good futures, and she always had given me good
futures too, but that one time she read my future and
said I was “missing my father”, like he wasn't around
anymore.
Gotta go!
(Later) 9:18pm
Christine just called- so it turns out she is free after all
this Friday (tomorrow).
25
So maybe we will go to the movies with Sean after all,
(if it’s ok with my dad) although I kind of doubt we will
go because Christine said she doesn’t like Sean, not
even as a friend.
Bye!
Esther
That’s all.
26
2 STEPPING ALONE INTO A
DREAM
28
29
Mon. April 11, 1988
7:30 pm
Dear notebook,
Esther
money to go.
30
Fri. April 15, 1988
10:00pm
A prom night, with the orchids and all! When will the
dream end?
Esther
9:45 pm
Sick, sick is how I felt when I sat there that Moment
ago telling Sean that I didn’t like him.
Or like Ann Frank with her two sides and her friends
and family who just didn’t understand her. So she
took to writing a diary. And I hate to point this out but
they were both Gemini.
34
gold box (not real gold, but cardboard) I still have the
box in my special drawer.
Bye!
Esther
And also about her long nose and I put it bluntly when
I said it’s even longer than mine.
38
This is her from the front:
But I gotta go
Esther
10:40 pm
Well, goodnight.
Esther
40
P.S. I have this kind of weird psychic feeling that
Henry has a crush on me, sicko.
goodbye.
9:30 pm
Hi, I did something on Sunday that I promise myself I
will never do again, Take L.S.D. I don’t know why I
did it. It’s just that I felt I needed a chance to try
something different. I will explain it later but now I
gotta go.
Goodbye
Esther
44
book “Are You There God, It’s Me, it’s me Margaret”
was my favorite book.
I felt just like the girl in the book, because one side of
her family was Jewish and the other side was
Christian, same as me. And she talks to God trying to
figure it out, I did that too.
45
I remember walking on hot coals using the power of
Jesus back then too. That’s a weird memory, but as
far as I can tell, it does not show me anything about
God.
You toss different size sticks and see where they land
(you can use coins too), each possible pattern that
the sticks (or coins) land goes along with a different
poem like thing in The I-Ching.
The part that I got actually talked about the “first born
daughter” (that’s me) and her father and her mother,
and how she’d have more food at her mother’s but
more creative energy with her father. It actually said
that! It was exactly like my life.
But the other night, it’s was like I was close, almost
like I could touch it, and more than that, it was what I
created, and it's funny that it kept coming back to that
-I- that had created it all, that I was really God.
Bye!
49
he’s kinda sick.) Marvin picked Peter up and
mutilated him in more ways than I thought possible.
50
And then I went over to Peter. I asked him if he liked
my coat. He said the paisley side looked good on
me, but that he hated paisley and he hated me. So I
bent down and took off his shoe and put it in my bag
and walked away.
Esther
11:30pm
Tonight I called Sean and I guessed, (right before he
was planning to tell me) that he likes Amy “sorta”.
53
Twice as happy as when I went with Noah in the sixth
grade (and that’s pretty happy). I wish I could go with
him because I love him. Do you hear that Sean?
54
Sean “let me take you down ’cause we’re going to
strawberry fields, nothing is real and nothing to get
hum about”… “I want you! I want you so badaadad
that it’s driving me mad!”…”something in the way he
moves…”
Goodnight
12:33 am
That’s right I’m up this late. I’m spending the night at
my friend Kanti’s house (I told you about her, she is
my friend from the sixth grade) and I’m so happy
because I called Sean and I read to him the entry of
April 15th. I don’t know if he was surprised because I
mentioned that it was a long time ago.
55
He said that, “Esther is a girl that is really sweet, and
that he “keeps on getting flashes about that he likes
me and wants to go with me! But…”
56
Well goodbye.
Esther
8:38pm
As it turns out that girl who was having that party
didn’t want Sean and I to come, so Kanti went to the
party alone and I went home.
57
Oh yeah, I found out that what he read to me was
from February sometime or March (so he says). And
also he told me that his brother stole his journal.
Tonight it still looks like full moon but I don’t think it is.
Agenda
58
I said “it’s kinda long”. So he said “just tell it to me”.
But I asked him if I could just give a note tomorrow
and he said “ok” and we hung up. So now I’m going
to write it now.
Sean,
59
I don’t know-
10:30pm
Whoever said, “I hate Mondays” probably never
heard of me. Because today…
It started off like any ordinary Monday, the hustling
and bustling around me, then I went to school.
60
brother didn’t show up so we went without him. My
Dad was pretty mad and was taking it out on us, so
me and my sister were pretty explosive.
61
friends. And I do not have a lot.
62
3 GEM AND SAYING
GOODBYE
10:00 pm
Hi,
Goodbye,
-Esther
64
Wed May 4, 1988
10:30pm
Dear Gem,
Yes I know that it’s wrong to feel jealous like that, and
I am sorry. I don’t even know Karen very well, but
getting jealous was the only way I could see that I still
liked Sean.
65
Then I saw him in assembly, (I told you about that)
and I realized what I did. So when I went to sixth
period I wrote him an “I’m sorry” letter and that I
would call him at seven.
66
up to Sean and I’m going to say “Look Sean, I really
like you a lot and if you are interested in developing a
relationship please tell me because I was almost
ready to give up on the whole thing.”
Love,
Esther
67
Thurs. May 5,1988
Dear Gem,
68
about him, but my wish is cold, and like the wind it is
not welcome to the door of his heart (so I think).
So goodbye
Esther
69
Sometimes I wish I was still friends with a lot of
people that I’m not friends with anymore, sometimes
even Blair, (I told you about her, and how when I
stayed over she pushed me into that gross thing- I’ve
never talked to her since.)
(later)
Hi Gem,
70
I think I figured out more about you today- you are
like my future self, speaking to me.
You are the one who likes me the most, and is the
most like me.
Thank you
71
(In fourth period, math)
Dear Gem, I can feel you strengthening my physic
ability. Every time I feel you walking beside me, I
sense what I feel you are saying.
Thank you for all you have shown me. And for being
my friend, I will always remember.
I was looking into the fire and in the smoke, and then
I closed my eyes. I looked at the pictures in my head.
73
But in the vision Blair and I were really good friends,
almost sisters. We were grown-up fancy ladies, just
like those old fashioned “flappers”, and we were
having a lot of fun.
But for some reason, right as the sun was going down
I was standing in my backyard and thinking about
how I used to play with the dollhouse, and how I don't
anymore.
77
4 WILD CHILD
(6:30pm)
Hi,
78
Well, I also found out that Sean said he likes
someone.
Well I’m going to call him now and say “alright you got
it out of me, I like you, do you like me?”
Ok, bye.
Esther
79
I knew I shouldn’t have, but at that time I knew Sean
liked Christine and I was insanely jealous, so I told
him the truth.
’till then
May, 10, 88
81
10:04pm
Hi, today some man named “Nostradamus” who lived
a long time ago predicted that today was going to be
“doom day”, and that a big earthquake would kill
millions of people.
Goodnight
Esther
(4th period)
I don’t know why but just now I’m starting to be
attracted to Chad, (he is in Math with me.)
Esther
(Same Date)
Hi,
82
I don’t know why I wrote that today. It’s just that
today in Math, Chad was being so nice, and he
usually is mean. So I told him that and in his strong
but silent-type way he said, “once you get to know me
I’m not that bad”.
And as for Sean, I didn’t see him at all today nor did
he see me, but after school I called him. He said he
had something to tell me and he said he’d tell me.
83
I said “have fun with your new girlfriend, bye.” And I
hung up. I’ve been a bitch ever since.
Yours as ever,
Esther
But Amy does not seem to take it all that seriously. All
she wanted to do was ask it about different boys.
It did say that Sean likes me. But it also said Sean
likes Amy.
And, then we saw Mr. Yee, the old man who lives
85
across the street, he was standing on the other side
of the long row of vines, the vines that grow from
above on the road and hang down like 20 feet, totally
covering the opening of one side of the tunnel- the
side that leads into his backyard.
86
Sat. May 14, 1988
(10:38pm)
I didn’t write yesterday because I couldn’t find this
pad of paper but a lot of things did happen. First I
called Sean and asked him, I said “sometimes you
say you like me as a friend and sometimes you say
more what is it? He said “I like you as a friend that’s
all”. So I said bye and hung up.
87
I said “so”. Then Sean said that he wanted to get off
the phone cause “after he says that kind of thing to
somebody” he “doesn’t feel comfortable talking to
them.”
So I said, “But you said you were tired and you said
you bumped your head, a lot of people think weird
things then.”
I’m tired-
88
Mon. May 16, 1988
(10:15pm)
(New Book)
Hi, I found my old diary from the 5th grade, so this is
what I'm writing in. It seems so long ago but also in a
strange way closer to me than the 6th grade.
89
a dusting of freckles, or maybe it was just dirt.
Then I started the 6th grade, and at the end of the 6th
grade I went with Noah-
Noah’s Ms. Kole's son. (I told you about her, she was
my 6th grade teacher.) Noah had red hair and
freckles; he was cute and popular.
91
I gotta go. I’m glad I found this book.
Esther
(9:15pm)
Hi, I’m not going to write about all the boys that I have
been involved with (acutely or remotely) ’cause it
would take too much time.
But one boy, Peter, (I told you about him, and the day
I took his shoe) well, we went together last summer at
camp. I dumped him because some liar said he was
going to dump me.
Who?
Boys: Peter (I already asked but he said he didn’t
want to), Sean
Spare boys:
none!!!
They took a lot of things like the C.D player, the VCR,
the Walkman, my Dad’s cloak bag.
94
95
This is what it looks like:
Esther
96
5 THE WHRILWIND
9:00pm
Hi, sorry I’ve been neglecting you on the three
biggest nights I’ve had in months but there just wasn’t
time.
Then we all went and sat inside that little tunnel in the
Jefferson playground right next to the monkey-bars
I chipped my front tooth on when I was in the 2nd
grade.
98
something.
Now that I think about it, maybe that old dusty bottle
of wine was haunted.
99
and got a hickey and sometime then he asked me to
go with him. I thought it would make more sense to
myself what I did if I was going with him, so I said
yes.
100
So we all just walked along Grizzly Peak (that’s the
highest street in the Berkeley Hills where Christine
lives).
The trees were really tall and the fog came up not
quite to the tops of some of the trees, and the fog was
almost like covering us up too sometimes and it was
amazing.
It’s just Amy and her friend Latisha, and Christine and
me. We all feel depressed because of the situation
that Justin might dump Christine since she kissed
Toby at my party…
6:40pm
As I was saying, the night before I was trying to
explain to Toby why I didn’t like him, he didn’t seem
102
to understand. So I just wound up saying that I think
we should get to know each other’s personalities at
this point in our relationship.
See ya,
Esther
(later)
Hi, Justin just called. Oh shit this pen is running out.
All right this is his list of staying together with
Christine:
Pros
Cons
He mistrusts her
Ok goodbye,
(later)
I talked to Justin again and I found out that his friend
Eric (who all I know about, is what Justin told me- that
he has “a lot of power at King”) used to like me. Justin
says that he thinks Eric still does, he gave me Eric’s
number and said I should call, so I did. But when I
called him, Eric said if I “value my life” not to call
104
again. Weird!
Esther
9:30pm
Hi, my Dad and my Brother are yelling- at each other.
106
And Tammy, I’m thinking about Tammy, and how I
don’t think I want to be in the “big sisters - big
brothers” program anymore.
107
talk to her again.
bye
Esther
Oh well, gotta go
Esther
(Same Date)
(6:00pm)
Hi, so the day started boring and got even boringer.
109
was helping Amy clean up the backstage area and I
got paid $5.00. But then when I got home it all
changed.
See ya,
Esther
(Same Date)
Hi,
110
I finally got to talk to Justin. He said his chances of
dumping Christine are back down to 20%, and that he
wanted to do something erotic with her, weird!
Esther
9:08pm
Hi,
Ok, Goodbye.
113
Oh yeah, P.S. this is a list of my friends:
Amy
Christine
Gotta go.
(Same Date)
Esther
115
Sat. May 28, 1988
The flight from Denver was better. The trip’s been Ok,
better than I thought. I still miss Justin though…it’s
pretty mellow around here. With both my uncles out
and people getting ready to retire. But I thought I’d
write a few things before I go to sleep.
Got a…
12:32pm
Hi,
117
Yay!
Until then.
Esther
(Same Date)
8:15pm
Hi,
My stomach hurts.
I miss Justin.
Goodnight
118
(Same Date)
9:15pm
Hello, I’m not sick anymore, not as much as I was
before at least. And I’m not really tired either, in fact
I’m angry…
2) Do my friends still?
3) I don’t know?
Esther
10:45pm
I hate my Father so much, I think he is the meanest
man alive!
120
Yvette. So he comes bounding home with food in his
arms and ordering me to help make dinner.
121
And Justin knows I like him, I mean, really like him.
Esther
9:45 pm
Hi, this is news; I hate Justin. But I like him. So does
Amy.
Esther
10:00pm
Dear God,
122
This is what I found out-
Kanti says-
Amy says-
Justin says –
Sean says-
126
“Anyone in their right mind is weird”-
My Father says-
Eric says-
Christine says-
127
Mon. June 6, 1988
9:55pm
Hi, so much has happened between this morning and
tonight that it seems a whole week has passed, not
just one day.
9:00pm
Hi, Sorry for not writing sooner – School is out. I have
not had the chance to write but a lot has happened
this week.
When I got there Joel and Justin and I all sat around
the living room for a while and then Joel got some of
his Dad’s Bud Light. We all share one can.
130
Then we lay down on the couch for a while and then
we moved closer together, like we were breathing
each others air, and then, out of nowhere we kissed.
Not French, but on the lips.
I can still see that time on Grizzly Peak when the fog
swirled around us, and I knew then, there is a reason
we are friends. And I still feel that way,
Ok, bye
Esther
131
PART II
6 SUMMER OF VAMPIRES
8:31pm
I hung out with Blair again (I told you about her, she
was my friend from Malcolm X, but I stopped talking
to her this past year). Anyway, she called me on
Saturday and asked if I could spend the night.
132
friendship.
Blair said I might not feel the pot at first, but I thought
I did. We were dancing around the living room singing
“I feel pretty, oh so pretty” from that musical - I think
it's called “West Side Story.” I thought I did feel the
pot because I never smoked it before.
Ok, bye,
Esther
Gotta go
135
Fri. July 22, 1988
Hi, again, it’s been forever that I have written.
Blair got her period. When she got it, it made her so
happy that she leaped all around the room.
4:44pm
Camp is out this week. We went on an overnight trip
two days ago. We played truth or dare for a long time,
almost all night. I Frenched Jordan like seven times
and I laid down with him in my sleeping bag.
These birds were out all night, they sounded like they
137
were saying “shit” over and over again. It was funny.
The next day we went to a freezing cold beach and
had to sing songs just to keep warm.
Bye,
Esther
7:30pm
Blair is going to come with me and my sister to
Oregon to visit my Mom next week. I'm over at her
house right now.
Love, Esther
139
Aug. 6, 1988
Hi I’m just babysitting right now. Blair is coming soon;
then we are going to go over to her house and then
over to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, at midnight.
Max (the baby) is sleeping. I guess I’ll just write, while
I wait for her.
140
(I think Blair is here, somebody is ringing the
doorbell-)
Esther
141
Mon. Aug. 8, 1988
(time unknown)
I’m at a truck stop someplace in Oregon before
Portland. I’m on the Green Tortoise bus, going up to
visit my Mom. I think I just got my period!! I had to
use the bathroom so I went into the truck stop
bathroom and looked at my underwear and I saw a
little bit of pink!
(later)
It was my period!
142
use my creative energy to create “art instead of
babies”.
I want to try the paints though; they seem like fun. I've
never used tubes of paint before. Right now, I feel
tired. I'm not really excited. I feel like I just want to
rest.
Esther
143
144
Blair brought her “George Michael, Faith” tape and
we have been listening to it in the car. She is
obsessed with the song “Father Figure”. She keeps
wanting to rewind it to hear it again.
Blair doesn’t know who her Father is. Her Mom was
in some kind of three-way sex thing or something and
Blair’s Father could be one of two men, an Italian or
an Englishman.
9:30pm
Hi, I’m over at Blair’s right now, she went camping
with us (me, my sister, my Dad and his Capoeira
group.) Blair and I stayed in the tent and out of the
sun as much as possible. When we got back home, it
was my idea to sharpen our teeth with the knife
sharpener in the kitchen.
148
7 BLACK TRENCH COAT
ASSEMBLY
149
Then when I got home, my Dad told me to pick up the
clothes-pins off the ground in the backyard. I tried to
pick them up but I ended up rolling all around the yard
laughing. Then I felt really sick.
Esther
150
Sept. 19, 1988
I started School two weeks ago.
We eat lunch all the way across the yard on the stairs
with the “Cuba” graffiti. We eat with our friend Jesse
Marks. Peter eats with us too. T.J wears all black too,
and is really into this band (that I also love) called
“Depeche Mode”. He also listens to The Cure and
other bands that I love too.
151
spend the night and go to Rocky Horror with her on
Saturday. I told her wanted to go, but I’d have to ask
my dad.
Ok, bye
Esther
I wonder how far she and him have gone or will go?
152
Nobody hangs out at “Cuba” anymore. I eat lunch
with Jesse, Peter (and sometimes Megan, but not as
much). But, we eat on the slope and a lot of other
people eat there. T.J. and Melody also eat there, but
we don’t have a group anymore.
153
We decided we should open up the group to anyone
at the school.
The Fly
154
really want to try and join, although I don’t really have
many friends at school. Maybe like three or four.
155
Today I made a banishing spell, (just an upside down
star that I painted with black paint on a small stone). I
made it into a charm to wear, to help protect me from
Darren, because I went to the office about it and told
Mr. Fletcher, but nothing happened.
Ok, bye.
Esther
156
Even though I faced far worse then Tamara- (and
recently Oscar Smalls has been acting so nice to me
and him being nice to me does offer some protection,
because everybody knows he is part of the
Waterfront gang and has a gun in his locker).
I'm not sure, but I think he might like me. Last week
Oscar Smalls came up to me when I was walking
across the yard. He said, “You're not white are you?
You're Jewish right?”
157
school because of how she looked.)
158
Those assemblies get really loud. The teachers yell,
and the other adults get mad, too. There is a lot of
shouting.
159
I actually think that nobody is “white” or “black”
anyway, and I don't know why they say that, since we
are all really shades of tan and brown and peach, but
that's how it is at King.
But when I got home, it hit me. I had to get out of this
school system! It's really just all the fighting. I don't
like being around all the fighting.
160
Karen told me that she had complained to Mr.
Fletcher and that Darren had never gotten punished.
She expected Darren would be suspended or
something, but I also reported that Darren was
chasing me to Mr. Fletcher and nothing had
happened.
Esther
161
have to if I want him to give me any money to buy
pads.
For now I'm just glad that almost all my clothes are
black.
Oh well,
gotta go
162
8 INTO THE SHADOWS
163
I’m not even sure what’s in it, besides roses and
honey. Smells like maybe cinnamon or ginger.
164
“girl of his dreams.” I didn’t tell him that Blair is going
with this guy from Rocky Horror named “Hawk”
(although that doesn’t stop her from making out with
Justin, or anybody else.)
165
Oct. 14, 1988
Hi,
166
her brother and they had a kitchen with food and
beds down there.
167
Oct. 17, 1988
Hi,
She thinks, (at least this week,) that her Father has
died and is speaking to her from some place beyond
this earth.
168
I was kind of scared, because I remembered the
vision I had last year, the vision about Blair and I in
the ‘roaring 1920’s’.
So, I guess Blair says she knew all this already, and
that’s why she’s been boiling that spell in the pot on
her stove all month. But she now feels I am involved -
because I told her about the last time I used the
Ouija, and how I found out about the Time Travel
Places.
I said I would do it, but I’m not exactly sure what I’ve
gotten myself into. I hope it’s not too bad. I feel ok
about it, even though it does seem a bit like “dark
169
magic,” maybe? I’ve only ever done “light magic”,
I’ve always been a good-witch.
Ok, bye
170
and Shattuck and then we went over to her house.
Blair said the paste she is making will “attract all the
vampires in the land.” That it is already working, and
that “they are gathering”.
171
Bye.
Esther
It was kind of like that day last week, when I wore red
make up on one eye, and green on the other eye, and
people said it was weird, but then by the end of the
day I saw other girls were doing it too.
172
drink their blood by the time her spell is complete.
She said she’d cut herself and offer her own blood to
me, but she said that it would be better if I find
somebody who has never been bitten. (So, I guess
Blair was bitten by a vampire or something? She
never told me about it.)
173
personally have never eaten it.
174
Esther
175
His skin was pale white, but his lips were red. He
made me remember in the fairytale “Snow White”
when her real mother pricks her finger on her sewing
needle and drops one drop of blood, into the snow.
And how her Mother thought the red blood upon the
white snow was so beautiful that she called her
daughter Snow White.
176
177
9 VIRGIN'S BLOOD AND
THE DIZZYING HEIGHTS
178
I was very frightened and went to sleep. But as I said,
that was Thursday. I woke up Friday feeling as young
and green as springtime.
179
‘cept Katrina was getting pissed at me. So I left with
the knowledge that Mark loves me, really loves me.
180
Rainbow and her friends. Fawn was blowing whipped
cream everywhere. Then Trevor bought two 12 packs
of beer. And Fawn and Molly left to get some acid.
181
too. Then Traci and Mouse left.
Me, her and Blair hung out for a while. Then my Dad
drove by and he saw me and stopped and drove me
home.
182
out (I asked them) Sierra and Amanda were also
virgins and I thought that Blair was going to ask them
if they wanted to add their blood , but she didn’t
mention anything about the blood.
She did ask them if they wanted to test out this new
“ultra powerful love spell” that she was making, they
both said yes. So she explained to them, sort of what
she told me, that this paste make you “irresistible’ and
creates “sexual pleasure”. It did smell good, it was
like roses and honey, and cinnamon and nutmeg and
the other herbs I already told you.
She told them how she couldn’t use her own blood
because she wasn’t a virgin. She explained to them
that it could be menstrual blood.
183
she needed.
Then Blair and her Mom and Amanda left for the
184
emergency room.
185
hard to explain, it’s weird.
186
jumped out of the car and started kicking it (I guess
people were saying, he was kicking it with his bad
knee). Everyone was scared out of their minds.
People (except me and Dale) talked to him.
187
making out again. He whispered into my ear “I love
you”. I didn’t know what to say.
188
would happen. She never told us why she wiped up
Amanda’s blood and added that, but I guess that
does not need much explaining.
189
Oct. 26, 1988
Hi,
I don’t think that I ever loved him. I think that was just
part of Blair’s spell. (I mean the same kind of glamor
that she probably cast over Mark that day I “bit” him,
she could have done that, she is capable of that sort
of thing.)
Gotta go!
190
Thurs. Oct 27, 1988
So I dumped Dale.
She had the same problem that she did the other day,
(about that group of runway girls that she is always
talking about). So, anyway, I guess, Traci says that
her friend was dealing with some kind of demons.
oh well!
191
walking home.
Bye.
Esther
192
10 COLD WINDS BLOW
193
Sunday Oct. 30, 1988
Hi, Halloween is tomorrow; I’ve been over at Blair’s
since Friday after school. This is what we have done -
Blair wanted to contact the spirit of the Ohlone
Indians. (They were the Native American tribe that
lived in Berkeley before anybody else.) I said that I
didn’t think that that Ouija board was the best way to
make contact with the Ohlone, that being in nature
would be better.
194
Then we walked back to Blair’s.
Esther
Nov. 1, 1988
Hi, so here is what happened:
195
butterfly wings. I didn’t want to keep wearing the
clown suit, but I did, I just wore my trench coat over it,
because there was no time or place to change.
Blair said the car was like from the 1920’s and it only
appeared sometimes. If we saw it, we knew were on
the right track. So we walked along the trail.
196
It started to seem really quiet; you couldn’t hear any
more birds. And it was foggy. It was starting to get
really foggy.
197
all the sound of the wind, I don’t know.
198
I’m not sure if it was the pot we smoked, or what, but
sometimes those figures did just look like policemen,
and maybe that’s all they were, just there to put out
the fire, but really to me, and that’s why I say maybe it
was the pot, but those people kept moving as though
they were not really one thing or the other.
199
was just dark behind us.
Love. Esther
200
Wed. Nov 3, 1988
Hi,
She said she entered into another place and time and
saw her Father’s spirit there. (I told you about that,
how she said her father is a vampire.)
Well, Blair told me that she found out that her father
had died and his body had been placed in a vampires
201
grave with a brick in his mouth to stop him from
coming back to life, just like in her dream. She said
her father told her he is not stuck there, that he
doesn’t ever want to become physically immortal
again.
Blair agrees with me, she already threw out that black
burned paste she cooked all last month (or I guess
202
she put it in the compost in her Mom’s garden).
The sun is going down right now and I can hear the
different birds. The wind is chilly and I hear the
neighbor’s wind chimes.
Ok, goodnight.
Esther
203
204
11 HOLIDAY GHOSTS
not that she didn’t do this before, she did, but now it’s
way more and it’s like all older guys from Center and
Shattuck that she gets obsessed with.
205
(I have been really needing a bra; last year my sister
Carmen told me once about how to steal a bra, but I
never tried it before.)
Esther
206
Justin is my friend, and Blair doesn’t treat him right. I
am wondering what she did to him - it seems like
maybe some
I don’t know.
Bye! Esther
207
Monday Nov 14, 1988
Hi, This weekend has been good. On Saturday
Celeste and I went back to Capwell’s again. She
brought a big shopping bag (a bag from Capwell’s)
208
and started filling it with clothes and stuff.
209
I could get caught.
210
Blair hasn’t called me, and I haven’t called her, for at
least a week- it feels weird because we’ve been
talking everyday for so long.
I called Blake the other day. (I’ve told you about him,
my almost lifelong crush and my older brother
Nathan’s friend, I’ve liked Blake since the fourth
grade).
Esther
211
Wed Nov 23rd
Hi,
Esther
212
Dec. 1, 1988
I think I told you that I've sorta made friends with
some of the popular girls (like Katie S. and Katrina ).
Celeste does not smoke, but a lot of those girls
smoke cigarettes behind the gym at school.
213
I don’t smoke them unless I am with my friends; they
are pretty gross, and I never inhale.
214
Anyway, I'm glad her and Sunny became friends at
school.
Dec. 9, 1988
Hi,
215
I went over with Celeste and said hi to them. Blair
was busy making out with Justin. Traci said she
wanted to talk to me and that she would call me later
today. I still haven’t heard from her.
Esther
Esther
216
because I’m sick of talking about that with her) and
secondly, she wanted to talk to me about ghosts.
217
here, they bought it.
218
There is always a chance that somebody is moving
the Ouija thing. But this time, I really felt it. I think this
And then when Traci left, and it was dark already, and
I looked up the street and I could faintly see a
woman, all in white. It sent shivers down my spine. I
think it was a ghost, maybe the same one walking
behind us on the track at King, or maybe it was the
ghost (or the spirit) of Mary Townes? So maybe I saw
a ghost tonight? I don’t know...
219
Dec. 15, 1988
(10:25 pm)
220
It’s been getting really cold out side, my Dad also got
some Presto Logs for the fireplace, and we burned a
fire.
Goodnight,
Esther
221
12 DOWN AND OUT IN
BERKELEY, JUNIOR HIGH
222
remember the rest, but it was cool that she did that. It
was kind of like a protest.
Ok I gotta go
Esther
(Later)
9:30pm
Hi,
223
get really sick from making out with me (because I
had teased him). And that he had to ejaculate to
make sure he didn’t get sick from the blue balls, so,
he basically said I had to give him a blow.
Esther
224
her about what happened with Steve. She was all
excited and happy for me because I never did it
before. She told me to practice doing it on a corn on
the cob.
225
told me he’s only ever kissed her, but Blair is more
into much older guys, and Justin is only a year older
than us.
11:00pm
I feel so alone in the world. No one wants to see me
or talk to me anymore, so it seems. I feel like I’m no
one, no one at all.
226
sister a lot too.
(here is my tear)
Feb. 1, 1989
Hi,
227
We called up this boy named Matt, he is in English
(we call him “Red” behind his back because he
always wears a red jacket). He is cute, I’ve never
talked to him before, but Celeste had his number.
(later)
228
Hi,
229
and downward stars repel.
Who knows if it’ll work for him but it’s worth a try.
230
He needs to break free of Blair somehow. She is just
leading him on, and he knows it now.
Ok, bye.
Esther
Feb. 3, 1989
Hi, I realized something today.
Feb. 5, 1989
I remember a long time ago when my Mother and
Father were married.
231
and we would come out and play.
And along time ago I could sit and not feel empty
inside.
232
Feb. 6 1989
10:40pm
Today was a wonderfully productive day following
yesterday's "be a slob- I don't care day". Despite the
record breaking lows but extremely sunny and cold
gusty winds. Which all lead to a slightly chapped face
and a very scarlet nose (at least outside).
233
asked if she could come over. I said it was ok. She
came over and my brother, Karen and I all sat in the
dining room. I did science, Karen babbled.
yours,
Esther
Things I smell:
234
-The smell of my hair gel reminds me of when I went
to Grandpa and Elaine's last May (in Chicago, that is
where I bought the gel.)
Today
-E.C
235
Feb. 7, 1989
9:30pm(about)
Today sucked in a way. First I fuck up in Drama; then
I got yelled at to do better in History.
Then to top it all off I get sick. I was ok, my throat just
hurt a little, and the next thing that I knew, the walls
were spinning.
236
now. (Remember, I’ve told you about her a long time
ago, both her and her twin sister Paula still hate me.)
See ya.
Esther
237
Metaphors to exist:
as cold as wires
as frustrated sand being ground and tossed and
played with for eternity,
and the sorrow exclaimed so understanding
that forever shall remain
unknown
????
Blake Forever!
238
"Creamy White
Dreamy white
Sweet dreams you can't resist
N-e-s-t-l-e-s
Sweet dreams you can-an't resist"
239
Feb. 8, 1989
Today was great. First I was sick so I didn’t go to
school. Instead I went to a party at my Dad’s
bookshop.
It was fun. I stayed inside all day. And to my surprise
and delight it started to rain. Really hard!
I nibbled all day. This is one of the menus; well I only
have one so I have to write it down.
“Before Noon”
British Columbia smoked salmon
bagels by Brothers
caffeinated coffees by Peets.
“Later”
Duck liver mousse pâtè maison poulet
Italian Torta with black olive and pine nut filling
Feb. 9, 1989
Hi,
240
with the ghost in her house.
Ok, goodnight
Esther
241
him); we talked for a while.
I don’t know.
242
I don’t know why I’m telling that to my very own
notebook. But anyway (as “you” see) it’s the day
before Valentine’s Day.
(Later)
I just called Blake again. He and I talked for awhile
more!!!!!!! I love him so much. He got off the phone
saying “bye Valentine.” I am so happy I could drool.
243
Maid Orange” TV commercial, now it comes to mind
again.
244
be bossy, but still, that’s no reason to control
everybody, not even house-ghosts.
Esther
245
Justin (and Blair) have been taking Traci’s side more
and more - I am worried they are both mad at me.
Traci now hates me, but I’m just trying to put all that
stuff behind me!
I love him.
Goodnight
Esther
246
13 THE AWAKENING
this:
247
Anyway, so we didn’t go across. We both lay down on
the lawn. The sun was hot. It felt very good. Blake
was reading a learners manual of some sort or the
other. It was orange and yellow with black writing.
248
hurt.
249
TV) eat, and read. I ended up reading one of my
favorite books almost all day.
Gotta go
Esther
(later)
That dream I had last night about Blake made me
realize something: that I’m not a vampire! (at least not
anymore.)
250
Just a daydream.
251
In other news, school has been pretty good lately, I’ve
been hanging out with Celeste a lot, and also I’m
working on the school play. It’s a lot of staying after
school, but it’s been pretty fun.
Ok,
Goodnight
252
spring break on Monday, my little brother Benjamin
also. So that’s about all.
Gotta Go,
April 6, 1989
Hi,
253
she’s moving back down here as soon as school is
out! Yeah! I am glad! It’s been depressing around
here with out her this year.
I’ve been wearing white and light colors again (for the
first time since last summer) it feel’s good. I’m not
dressing so weird anymore either. I stopped wearing
my trench coat.
Blair called me too. She has been busy with all her
boyfriends lately or something, because she hasn’t
254
called much, but she called and at first she wanted to
call Zach on three way because she wanted to meet
him, so I called Zach back and we all talked. Then
Blair wanted to call Traci on three way, so we did, but
Traci was being kind of mean.
Esther
255
just didn't want to try out for a speaking part in the
play. Maybe I was just worried that I wouldn't get the
part.
256
do with the Salvation Army); my grandma plays the
tuba, my great grandma was a pianist.
257
Then she said her vision changed into an angel with a
golden halo that appeared at her side, and the angel
said to my mom, “Don't worry. Esther is here”.
Bye!
Love, Esther
12:20am
Hi, Tonight I just finished the last performance of our
school play - Scapino! It’s a great play, a modernized
258
version of Moliere.
I’m really tired. I’m also scared. I don’t know why, but
I am. I only get afraid when I go to sleep.
Well goodnight.
9:20pm
Hi, I’m just here - thought I’d write a moment to say
how beautiful the weather is at the moment.
259
and 90’s, in April, especially in Berkeley. But anyway,
it’s really nice weather.
Now shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!
See ya,
Esther
11:00pm
Hi, I guess it’s really weird and only I would
understand.
260
Anyway, Last night I talked to Celeste and Zach. I
realized who I like, no matter how hard I try, Blake, I
guess, forever (not that I can do that much about
liking him, it’s in my blood).
I already told you about that, how she said she was
seven and he was nine, in the sugarcane fields of
Hawaii, she said it was real romantic, but sometimes I
wonder if it is even true, that maybe she made it up
and something else happened. Maybe something
worse, I don’t know.
It hurts!!!
Esther
261
Wed. April 12, 1989
4:00pm
Sadness. I feel alone because I really don’t have
anyone.
262
I mean I do like Blake and he will always have a
special place for me. But on Monday night I realized
who I like, Zach (a friend of Blake's).
And I like him. And oh, I feel like crying again. And
Blair likes him (and Justin). But she is going with
Gomez- this guy from Rocky Horror.
Then I just felt all bad and got off the phone with Zach
and cried. Then later I called him without Blair and
said "I do like you and of course it hurts, but that
shouldn't change the fact that we're friends right?"
He said, "Yeah" and we talked a while more.
263
But I called him (Zach) downstairs. I talked for awhile.
He really likes Blair, not just to use her either, he
really likes her.
Zach Neville:
264
One word to describe: interesting, different
Draws
Aries
5:00pm
T.G.I.F
ESTHER
P.S.
265
April 15, 1989
Hi,
red-tailbone
orange-tummy
green-heart
blue -throat
266
that day during Science- Mr. Hendrix had been talking
about the different kinds of energy during class that
day-
267
energy ball pulsing and growing inside your hands.
The higher self is like your spirit self, the lower self is
like yourself as a little child, and the middle self is like
your physical body.
Ok, bye
Esther
268
269
14 THE TEST
Then I went into the yard and Byron and his friends
started throwing basketballs at me chanting insane
words like;
- or -
270
“Don’t think about sex, can’t get it on, irritated by your
tampon.”
271
I’ve known her since I was two, she was four. Now
she is 16
“Ciao”
(Later)
P.S. Saturday night, (the night my Dad left for Tahiti)
my Dad’s girlfriend Cindy with her daughter and son,
Sarah and Mica, plus Celeste and me- (my Dad also,
although he left in the night) - we all went to Karen’s
(Cindy’s sister’s) Wedding reception.
272
Afterwards Cindy, Sarah, Celeste and I went
shopping for food.
Yvette lived with us, with her baby Kaya. They had
this diaper service. My dad told me that the baby
wasn't related to me, but I played with her a lot.
273
Then Yvette moved out, and my dad was really sad. I
used to hear him on the phone with her at night, it
seemed like he was asking her to get back together
with him, and she was saying no.
And the baby would cry too. And she'd stand outside
our house screaming until my dad would have to call
the police.
274
and everybody was fighting capoeira in the street.
275
Ok, I think I'll go watch TV.
That's all.
9:00 am
Hi, I’m not in school though I don’t feel all that sick.
276
Anyway, I feel really calm and centered (unlike last
night where I had to listen to classical music all night
to calm myself.) I’m also on the rag, starting this
morning so that’s really the only thing that’s got me
down.
Let me see;
Today I should.
1.do dishes✓
2. clean kitchen
277
cave-people. I said “cave-people…”
278
he said in the same tender voice. Then we started
kissing.
Going to sleep.
Night,
Esther
Esther
279
Monday April 24, 1989
9:30pm
I can summarize it up
280
I had pot, and I left it at home so we (Blair and I) had
to go over to my house.
Then we left.
281
to be near me. Then no one was telling me why.
282
I don’t remember what I said. But in the end I asked,
283
don’t know. Anyway it felt really good.
284
Then I latched with my teeth on to his neck. Then he
shivered and jerked about. Then said, “Don’t do that
again if you don’t want me to rape you here and now”.
285
On Sunday and today I had to hide hickeys. Cindy
saw them when I was trying on bathing suits today.
Oops……
286
Wed. April 26, 1989
287
(9:30pm)
I’m a real nowhere man. Today I wanted to try and
find Caleb so I went up to Center and I saw a bunch
of Rocky Horror people, Traci’s friends, I don’t know
any of them, but most of them hate me now anyway.
288
“No, I’ll tell you when I’ll get home,” he said. And
that’s all. He walked away with Traci. Maybe he hates
me, but not as much as Traci hates me. (Well, that’s
part of it).
(My trademark)
289
(Later)
I just now realized something...after that happened
with Caleb, I remembered how Blair told me what she
learned from her Father’s spirit on Halloween about
the “Golden Vampires”.
I feel bad. I feel like I let him take my life force when
he latched onto my neck with his teeth. It was like he
was out to drink my blood and now there is nothing
left.
290
I don’t know, maybe I’m just really sick of being used
by people.
That’s all
291
15 HOPE AT THE END OF
THE ROPE
Night,
Esther
292
thing.
But it's weird because I feel like the more aware I get
the more depressed I get.
Gotta go!
(later)
Ok, I got some food for the week! I'll make a plan of
what I'll eat;
Monday:
Breakfast-yogurt
293
Lunch-soup
Dinner- ravoli
Tuesday:
Lunch- yogurt
Wednesday:
Breakfast- yogurt
Lunch-soup
Dinner- burrito
Thursday:
Lunch-burrito
Dinner- soup
Friday:
Breakfast- yogurt
Lunch- soup
Saturday:
294
Breakfast -cereal and milk
Lunch- burrito
Dinner- _ _
9:00pm (exactly)
Hi,
295
Anyway, then Sarah, Celeste and I went to Bill’s
Drugs and changed more price tags, bought more
things. Cindy left with Sarah.
She’s still obsessed with sex and boys, and it's like
she wishes I was too, but really, I don’t know why she
even cares if I loose my virginity or not, I mean it
seems like it’s my choice, not hers.
Now I’m cutting school for the first time this year. I’m
just chilling at home, hoping Cindy doesn’t drop by.
Kanti is going to call at 11:00.
Esther
296
Tues. May 2, 1989
Hello,
Nothing nowhere.
297
Today Paulo yelled at me because of things my big
brother did. So did Cindy. So did my Dad, when I
talked to him on the phone in Australia.
It’s amazing how music can lift your feelings (or drop
them). Now the song “The Look” is on the radio- it’s
one of my favorite songs, and it has lifted my spirits- a
little- but I’m still a Nowhere Man.“
298
"…walk like man, never was a quitter, she’s a juvenile
scam, tasted like a raindrop, she’s got the look…na
na na na, when everything I ever do I do for you-”
299
↑Happy ↑Sad ↑ Sick ↑ False
10:01 p.m.
Love is something I can look back to. Something like
ice-skating at Iceland, beside Joshua, the first person
who ever said they liked me.
300
knew love.
Esther
(later)
I have been thinking about a lot of memories lately.
301
They took me through water like an ocean and then
took me out of the water. I was still wet for a minute.
(Later)
(late night)
Hi, I can't sleep, and I tried to put on the radio to listen
to classical music to soothe my nerves and help me
sleep. That usually helps, but tonight it didn't work,
so I turned it off. And I turned on my light next to my
bed and I'm just going to finish writing what I was
writing before.
302
I told my friend in school about it, and she told her
mom and her mom worked at our school, so they
called my mom and told her, and my mom called the
police.
That was the year that I found out that people die.
And it made me really sad. I didn't want to think about
it, but I did. I thought about it all the time.
And then I found out Anne Frank died when she was
only 15, and it made me think I was going to die when
303
I was still a kid for some reason.
I had flown a lot over land, that didn't scare me, just
flying over the water.
304
Back then all the adults talked about war, they talked
about Russia and America and the fear of nuclear
war. I guess people don't talk about that any more,
I'm glad.
But back then they said there was a man with his
"finger on the button", and all he had to do was spill
his Coke or something and he could blow up the
world ten times over. I would lay in bed every night
thinking about that and how scary it was. I would talk
to God about it, hoping that the world stayed safe,
those are some of the times I would talk to God.
305
And then when he was old enough to walk he fell off
the balcony and landed in a small puddle of
rainwater, the doctor said the puddle saved his life.
306
But the year when I was nine, It was the worst year I
ever had in my entire life.
each minute
(later)
It's weird, I turned off my light and tried to sleep
again, but I just can't sleep. So I guess I'll write some
more. I think I might have already written some of this
part, but I don't know.
307
beginning that I had to do well in school, and to not
expect much from him. That was the deal. So I've
been here with my dad ever since.
308
were fighting and her grandmother started to beat her
up!
And I guess along time ago Kanti told me her mom hit
her before and she had bruises on her back from it,
and I was kind of scared of Kanti’s mom after that.
309
drove me home.
Goodnight.
310
Love, Esther
311
I haven't even known many people that have died.
312
Ashby on the weekends. Richard didn't seem sick at
first.
313
My dad gave his blood to Michael when the doctors
were trying to save him, because they both have this
rare “blood type”.
I don't know how she died. I think that she died in the
hospital and that something happened, that they
made a mistake or something. I miss her too.
Everything was better before she died.
314
Kole, and so did the whole class. I guess it was a
tragedy, or something like that, but I was feeling
something.
315
I sit around; then I go to sleep.
Nothing.
I tried.
-Esther Cohen
316
Sun. May 7, 1989
9:35 p.m.
Hi, I haven’t written lately because I have been out a
lot.
317
was really weird. There was a lot of meadows and
cows and Mexicans and oysters. We noticed that
Mexicans guys are really horny. Well, maybe not all
of them, but the guys at this party were.
318
really weird because I had been there twice before-
And another time I had been there was two years ago
in Camp.
319
and Gwendolyn left. Celeste stayed for a while. We
called Justin and Zach They were both acting weird
and horny. I talked to Zach (after Celeste left) for a
while.
“Buffalo Stance”
320
Tuesday- If life is a game then Tuesday was definitely
the game show. It was the second annual Student
Appreciation Day. It’s this day when we don’t go to
class we just pick activities and then we go to the
dance.
321
dances very well. I mean I can’t do the Kid n’ Play at
all, or The Butt. But I can do The Freak okay.
322
Saturday May 13, 1989
Haven’t written since Wednesday, but the rest of the
week went by very quickly thank God.
323
Anyway Celeste came back in and then he started
hanging on her. Then we turned off the movie. Then
me and Celeste lay down on the bed and Zach lay in
the middle and put his arm around us. Then he was
kissing Celeste kinda (not French).
324
Then he got his shirt back on, and his coat and
shoes.
I also saw that his belt was unbuckled and his zipper
undone. Maybe he had some sort of thought that
didn’t work out.
Esther
325
Sunday May 14, 1989
10:30pm
Hello,
326
shopping for food with Sarah, and then I came home.
They looked into our eyes, and took our numbers and
addresses and names. I was never so glad to leave
Jefferson, and that will be the last time I go on that
roof of memories, and of my childhood.
Esther
327
Monday, May 15th, 1989
8:30 p.m.
I’m not in bed or anything I just thought I’d write.
I do love him.
Esther
10:00pm (about)
I feel empty, that’s all. Nothing exciting seems to be
coming up.
328
I was thinking summer won’t be all that great after all.
If nothing happens.
Anyway I’ll just wait and see and hope for the best.
(same night)
10:30 p.m.
I know it’s really stupid but I’m sad because no one
wants to talk to me. I don’t know?
329
collar, my Dad got it for me, for Christmas.
12:00 noon
4th Period
330
(same day) after school - detention
The reason I have the detention is because Mrs.
Mendall (the hoe) gave it to me because she was out
of control -
331
week of detention to cover up for what she did! And
I've never had detention before in my life.
I feel bad because I’m on the rag again, and the trip is
coming up to the dunes. Fuck and I just feel like shit.
My birthday is next Saturday and no one seems to
care, and let me see, what else can I bitch about?
332
And the air-headed trendies and the smart ones also.
333
Fri. May 26, 1989
I’m in the airplane now; my birthday is tomorrow.
And Justin, he fell off his bike yesterday and broke his
nose and cut himself badly. Poor Justy. For a while
we weren't talking much, but then we started talking a
lot again. And for that I' am glad.
334
that.
I feel bad for Sunny and I feel bad about it for myself
too, I knew that she needed a friend and I wasn’t
really her friend. But I'm glad Zenia helped Sunny. It’s
still just really sad.
335
never been in first class before." (He just turned ten,
and I've never been in first class either, and I'm about
to turn 14). Anyway, he was saying it in such a cute
way that couldn't help but give him the ticket.
Esther
(same day)
336
about much anymore, I guess I’m just really glad that
13 is over.
They say the worst is over. I guess it’s over with and
I’m finally adjusting. I guess I will kinda miss being 13.
337
Then I am here in bed with all these weird small
statues of people with spears and masks on the table
next to me.
338
I only know a few people who do that.
← table
339
Sun. May 28, 1989
340
I saw a movie tonight “Indiana Jones and the Last
Crusade” it was good.
I feel better.
Cool, I guess.
341
And I was thinking of other memories from a long
time ago, like the first time I ever went to a slumber
party and it was at Chloe's (I told you we used to be
best friends in the 1st and 2nd grade.)
342
together love charms and that is when Blake started
to notice I'm alive.
343
I'm not sure why I keep having all these memories,
but I should go to sleep.
Goodnight
Esther
3:45 p.m.
Actually, it’s later than 3:45, it's about 4:00.
344
half.
I know when I’m older. I’ll look back and say how
stupid this phase is. And I might laugh. But now all I
want is the security of a warm blanket and my
Mother’s heartbeat close.
345
“Puff the Magic Dragon” when you wind it.) It has
pink wings.
346
PART III
16 THE LEAPS
4:00 p.m.
Hi,
347
And we at first sat there holding hands and talking.
He left.
Esther
348
Don’t know what all the exclamation points were for.
Who knows…
I’m glad schools getting out soon. Just this last week
(finals) and three more days at the end.
349
If I ask him he’ll say yes, but I don’t know how I’m
going to ask him.
Forever
350
you always said we still be friends”
↑(not that part)
351
(Same day) about 12:00 noon
352
until, he said, “Well, let’s sleep on it, I’m going to get
some brownies...”
↑Happy ↑ Lovesick
↑Embarrassed ↑ Bored
I’ve never met a boy who even knows about that kind
353
of stuff.
Simon is special.
Hi!!
Guess what!?
354
as nervous, I hope you know....
Don't know.
355
My Dad gave me forty dollars to spend, so I just
played those carnival games. I actually won
something, called an “invisible dog”.
Gotta go,
Esther
356
Catalog and it's peach cotton. Cindy tied one of her
scarves around my waist and it looked nice. My dad
and Cindy came to my graduation.
Then I said what the fuck, “If I never see any of them
again I might as well dance.” So I started to do The
Butt and I was having a lot of fun. My legs were
getting sore but I kept on dancing.
357
I gave her the dragon I bought for myself at Mr.
Mopp’s as a going away present. Although I kind of
wanted to keep it, I knew she would like it.
358
Don’t know. It was weird to see everyone from
Willard; people I had also grown up with, and it was
sad.
It’s like a kind of love that I have never felt before, the
love for all the people I have grown up with.
359
17 DRY FLOWERS
5:45 p.m.
The last day of school was pretty fun -
360
Then Monday my sister moved all her stuff back
down here. (She’s been in Oregon this past year).
I should go.
Esther
361
me and my sister went home. It was fun.
Ok, I should go
Esther
(about 10 o’clock)
It’s been fucked up since Thursday.
362
had asked me to go with him again, and I said yes).
Then I got into some rum and was drunk. And he kept
pleading with me to give him a blow. And (oh my God
I can’t believe I did this) I said ok, if he would put on a
condom.
Gross!
363
Simon the day before -
I felt strong enough to tell him that I didn’t like his blue
balls story either!
Ha!
364
Then on Friday, I went up to Kara and Laura’s house
to spend the night; it was fun. (They are sisters and
went to King with me).
365
me up.
I found out that Kara and Laura (the girls who got
caught stealing the bras) can’t talk on the phone or go
out until the end of summer when they’re moving. Oh
well, I never really got to know them anyway.
Whatever Simon!
Goodnight
11:10 (about)
So, let me finish telling you about last weekend -
Like I told you, Blair has been really into her older
boyfriends lately and talks a lot about sex. We have
not been seeing each other as much, plus she’s
friends with Traci, (Traci still hates me), but Blair and I
are still friends.
366
I had some acid, and Blair wanted to do it, so we took
it.
It was the 2nd time I ever took fry, (I told you about the
first time I took L.S.D, that was forever ago, back in
the 7th grade, before anything had happened).
367
campus down near the creek and forest. Then we
went near the water under some trees and made out
for a few minutes.
Sunday-
368
All kinds of people I didn’t want to see were there,
including Caleb, so I was glad to leave.
369
I realized that I really love Blair - it’s not that she has
power over me, or that I am a doormat to her, I just
love her.
370
Then Perrin had to leave, so then me, and my sister,
and Perrin walked down the street.
But this park that Ki and I and my sister and that guy
Matt went in to smoke pot, it is over in Rockridge. I
don't know what's it called.
But way back in the 6th grade, Kanti and I were just
walking by when we ran into Blake at that same park
(it was also night time). That is the weirdest memory!
371
I remember that when we saw Blake, and we talked
for a while he was acting really funny, he kept asking
me to dance ballet on top of a car; I didn't do it, I
didn't even understand what he meant....
(same day)
372
Now everybody has been fighting. First my Dad and
his girlfriend Cindy. Then my sister and my Dad.
(Cindy left). Then my brother and my Dad.
373
I just wanted to check, so we walked around the lake
on the trail and looked, but we couldn’t find, the burnt
out 1920’s car anywhere.
Weird huh?
374
walks into a bar-
and-
he says, “ouch..!!!”
get it?
-Esther Jester
375
where she is.
And even though I still love it, I think I'm finally getting
too old for dolls.
376
I watched “The Wizard of Oz” “lions and tigers and
bears oh my”. ‘Oh my fur and whiskers’- I’m going
batty. I’m tired. Goodnight - Esther
377
(↑remember me?)
378
to the students in Beijing. It was cool!!!
I saw T.J. there. I’m really glad T.J. and I are friends
again. Actually we started talking a while ago.
I know.
379
Who RU?
Same question.
Okay I get it, you r me!!! No! I’m me- I think the
question is what are you?
Oh dear me!!
380
I wonder why I was just writing down a conversation
to myself? Don’t you?
Key:
■ = black
words = blue
381
↑ She’s alive, what do
you think?
-Esther Jester
10:45pm
382
Damn this week went by quick! It’s been weird.
They didn’t use any birth control when they did it, and
she realized that she was possibly pregnant because
of it.
383
but he is hella fine and nice.
I'm still feeling rather dull and blah. Anyway, the last
week was, well should have been…If I haven’t been
in a non-emotional mood. Quite shocking, in a way.
Sunday-ditto
384
we were twins, we got a little bit baked.
Esther
385
Deeper than the sky, and I love him.
I told Dave that, and he cried. I feel bad, but what can
I do?
386
We decided to just be friends, but now he never
wants to talk to me.
387
Wed. July 26, 1989
388
Friday- vegetated I believe
Saturday- ditto
389
390
I must hold onto the magic of love, it’s like all I have
left now.
Red
When I woke
the sky was red
and I was just sitting there
staring at the light-bulb
and I was just becoming a vegetable
because the sky was red
391
Friday July 28, 1989
11:30 a.m.
Okay yesterday I went to this really cool riot. It was
really strange and violent.
Anyway.
-Esther
392
and just thinking….Oh good another song is on, I
don’t have to be depressed.
Anyway I told him that this is the last time I will even
kiss him. I just keep thinking about that day we
carved our skin, and it’s wrong to kiss him, because I
don’t love him, and he loves me.
393
“You can come with me if you want to”…
-Esther Jester
1:25 a.m.
Hey, I’m up. It’s not that late, but I don’t know when
was last I wrote? Hum, seven days.
394
Z
(Later)
395
everyone talks about.
Goodbye,
Esther
396
397
We were a group. T.J, Jesse, Peter, Megan and I.
We were the only cool kids at the school.
Those were the days when Megan looked up to me,
T.J. liked me
and I had great friends.
We always wore black or grey or white, sometimes
blue jeans.
We were so cool. Just so cool……
398
Friday Aug. 11, 1989
(2:45 am)
“If u got the money
399
“oh give me a home
where the buffalo Rome
where the dear and the antelope play
where seldom is herd a discouraging word
and the skies aren't cloudy all day”
Hooray!
PuPu
PooPoo
FUH-Q
Who R u?
400
Wed. Aug. 16, 1989
2:30 a.m.
“Hand in hand is the only way to land” – “Lovecats”
-The Cure.
-E
(same day)
11:08 p.m.
My Dad’s wiggin. He’s being really mean. He has
been mean for a while now. Not really cruel, just like
he thinks he should have all the fucking control in the
world.
401
it’s not mine.
I don’t really hate him, it’s just that I’m grateful for the
things he does for me, but he’s not for me. He doesn’t
care except when I disobey him.
402
18 THE HARVEST
(weird)
10:49 PM
I know, I haven’t written for fucking days. I have not
written what I’ve done for more than days. But I will
write from the week I left off-
403
(Kanti and I met them all from calling Zygote, 644-
2424). (I told you about that).
The day I left I took fry, (that was the third time I’ve
ever taken it.) It was really weird. I walked around
with this boy I met from the Zygote phone line named
Rob. He tripped with me.
404
We went to the North Berkeley library and sat
outside, the trees were nice, it was kind of fun, but
weird.
I felt like I had Rob’s baseball hat on and this zit that
he had on his chin, it felt like I had that too, it was like
I turned into Rob. I did not really like this feeling, but
there wasn’t much I could do about it.
405
People talked to me all night, they were awake
anyway.
Gotta Go!
406
(Later)
(11:36pm)
So as I was saying, last Saturday I spent the night at
Blair's.
That was the first time I spent the night over at Blair’s
407
since the night she lost her retainer at Denny's.
408
smoked pot for a long time for a few days in row. I still
think he is weird, but me and my sister were just
bored and didn’t have anything else to do.
Ok, goodnight!
(3:33am)
It’s late and I’m supposed to have my light off. I tried
to sleep for a while, but I just turned it back on. I want
to write about today….
409
sister, and I, all went up to this treehouse way the
fuck out there in the wild.
I was luckily not effected by his bite this time (not like
I was in the parking lot that night I met him, earlier
410
this year, when I found myself leaving my body.) I
think it’s maybe because I was already bitten by him.
411
reason it’s kind of a blur and I don’t fully remember
what happened- maybe because we were smoking
pot?
Blair and Kanti had hickeys and were red and raw
from them, same as I was, so did Justin and Mark
and Caleb.
412
in Oak Grove for a long time; then we became really
good friends.
Mark tried to help him up, but for some reason Caleb
was still stuck. Caleb called my name “Esther!” Justin
and Blair tried to help Caleb up too, but he told us I
was the only one who could help him get up.
413
So Caleb kept calling my name and I went over there
to see why.
The wind got even more fierce and shaking the tree
house and the height was dizzying. My higher self, or
something, told me to feel sorry for him.
Whatever!
414
being bit by Caleb really messed me up for a while,
when it happened to me.
Kanti and Blair both came with us, and for some
reason we all talked Caleb into coming over, I’m not
sure why, maybe we just wanted to see if he would
come with us.
415
around with an electric guitar slung over his shoulder,
and as my Dad pointed out, no guitar case.
is here-
416
I should really turn off my light and try and sleep…I
hope I can.
Ok, goodnight -
Love, Esther
417
19 THE MAGIC OF PASSION-
A RITE OF PASSAGE
Sept. 1, 1989
Hi,
418
about the ghost in her house; I guess I'll never know.)
419
I don’t know, but I do like animals a lot. I didn’t even
think about how eating beef was the same as eating a
cow, until Blair explained it to me.
Maybe I’m just not cut out to eat meat. Maybe I'll
become a vegetarian...
420
scream once, when she pulled it out of the ground.
I sense that trees are able to think and feel, just the
same as animals. Wood is like the meat of a tree.
Sap is like the blood.
And it's weird and sad to think about how about how
meat was a living animal.
421
Meat is filling, (even though it is so sad how it comes
from a dead animal) and who knows, maybe not
being allowed to eat it, is one of the reasons I was
always so hungry all the time when I was really
young.
422
that meat is the same as blood, and eating it is kind of
like being a vampire.
423
And in a way, I wish I had never bitten him, the same
with Mark too...
I told you about that; that day last year right after I
started the 8th grade, when I kissed Mark (I was his
first kiss) and then I gave him a hickey and Blair said I
was a vampire, and I kind of believed it.
“Frère Jacques,
Frère Jacques,
Dormez-vous.
Dormez-vous”
424
Anyway... like I was saying, it feels like I finally got
back what Caleb took from me.
And I'm sure there would have been other ways to get
it back, but I got it back, and that’s what matters now.
425
at the Marina the day before Halloween, this past
year with Blair.
426
seeing it like that, the meaning behind it, seemed to
have a lot more power.
427
428
429
Life and Blood and Passion are the same?
430
But, anyway like I was saying, Blair was the one who
told me about this, about how "drinking blood" and
eating meat are the same, and I think she could be
right. At least partly.
431
I feel good today.
432
darkness, and they think they can learn how to
understand the meaning of darkness, in a good way.
433
Ok, That’s all.
- Esther
Sept. 3, 1989
Hi,
This will be the end the last entry in this book. I got a
new notebook to write in.
434
After that I went down to Monterey Market and got a
pomegranate, I came home and cut it open in the
kitchen, then I ate six of the pomegranate seeds,
counting backwards, one after the other. Then I
shared the rest of the pomegranate with my sister.
Ok, goodbye -
Love,
Esther
The End
435
New Book
Mon. Sept 4, 1989
Hi, so I’m writing in my new book. I’m glad to be
done with my old notebook and it’s nice to start new.
Esther
436
Thurs. Sept. 14 1989 1:20 pm
I’m on the bus coming home. This week at Feather
River (Maybeck’s beginning of the year camping trip)
has been great. I’m going to miss it. I think that
Maybeck is going to be a great School! Classes start
on Monday.
437
danced with Joshua. He said he has a girlfriend back
at home. Oh well.
Also last night this girl named Willow hurt her leg. I
slept in her cabin and her boyfriend Saul slept there
too. Saul calls me “Meadow”. I’m not sure why.
Anyway-
438
439
Esther C. was born in San Francisco in 1975
and raised in Berkeley.
440
“Let it Rain, Let it Rain” (a diary)
E-Book version full color
Published by Mangrove Library
Second edition
Copyright © 2017 Esther C.
All rights reserved.
ISBN-10 0692965807
ISBN-13 978-0692965801
441