THE STORY OF PERSEUS

adapted by

Dean Shaffer

 
 2.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

Throne Room of Acrisius's castle. Acrisius is sitting

on his throne with guards on both sides of him.
Proteus in kneeling in front.

BOTH GUARDS:
All hail the not so honorable King Acrisius of Argos, may he
live forever!

Lasers flash and glitter falls from ceiling. Trumpets

sound. Proteus stands
PROTEUS:
(Snidely)
Yes yes, brother. Very impressive. I shall greatly enjoy such
an introduction myself when I am king one day.
ACRISIUS:
Thank you, thank you brother! I have been working on it-
Wait! What do you mean, 'When I am king'?
PROTEUS:
Well brother, as you know, you currently have no sons.
Therefore, when you die,
(Mutters to himself)
Hopefully soon...

(Speaks normally)
I, as your eldest relative, will gain the throne. Unless you
think that that girl of yours will become ruler.
(Laughs humorlessly)

ACRISIUS:
I shall have a son! You shall see!

Proteus exits.
ACRISIUS: (CONT’D)
(Whispering to guards)
I must go and see the Oracle of Delphi. Perhaps she can tell
me if I will have a son or not.

GUARD #1:
But sir! The Oracle? Is it worth it?
ACRISIUS:
Yes. I must know.
GUARD #2:
I'll go call a cab.
 3.

SCENE 2
Cave of the Oracle of Delphi. Oracle is sleeping at a
table with a crystal ball. Acrisius enters.
ACRISIUS:
O great Oracle of Delphi, speaker of the prophecies of
Phoebus Apollo, I must come to you to ask a grave question.
ORACLE:
(Wakes up and realizes that
someone is there)
Oh, hey. You're that king guy, right? You want some Doritos?
ACRISIUS:
Uh... No thanks.
ORACLE:
Suit yourself!
(Opens chip bag, and stuffs
a few chips in mouth)
ACRISIUS:
I have come to ask you if I shall ever have any sons. For if
I do not-
(Is interrupted by loud
crunching noises)
ORACLE:
(Swallows)
Don't worry, you're not bothering me. Please continue.
ACRISIUS:
(Annoyed)
As I was saying, If I do not have any sons, then my younger
brother Proteus will inherit the Kingdom.

ORACLE:
(Pondering)
Proteus... he's the guy with the funny beard, right?
ACRISIUS:
(Exasperated)
Yes, O great Oracle.
ORACLE:
What about your daughter?
ACRISIUS:
Are you suggesting that she can become ruler? Please be
serious. I do not-
 4.

ORACLE:
(Interrupts)
No, I mean that your daughter Danaë will have a son. And that
son will murder you and take your throne. Isn't that great!
(Slurps some lemonade)
You know, it gets quite hot in this cave.
ACRISIUS:
What!? My daughter will have a son that will kill me?
ORACLE:
Yes! Weren't you listening?
ACRISIUS:
(To himself)
I don't believe this! I shall have to do something.
Acrisius starts to leave.
ORACLE:
(Calls out)
Don't forget to stop at the gift shop!

SCENE 3
In castle. Danaë is putting on makeup. Acrisius
enters.

DANAË:
(With slight accent)
Why father! You've returned! How was your little chat with
the Oracle?
ACRISIUS:
How dare you! You know perfectly well how it went! You
traitor!

DANAË:
How dare I what? You really must be more clear.
ACRISIUS:
You are conspiring to have a son that shall murder me!
DANAË:
What now? I don't quite follow.

ACRISIUS:
(Turns towards door)
Guards!
Guards enter and grab Danaë.
 5.

DANAË:
What is happening? I'm not done with my manicure yet!

ACRISIUS:
Take her to the dungeons!
Guards pull Danaë out of room.
DANAË:
(Off-stage)
How very rude!

SCENE 4
The gods are sitting in thrones on Mount Olympus.
Each god has a sign over it with it's name.
DEMETER:
Isn't this a pleasant day! Perfect for growing wheat.

ARES:
I could go for a nice fight right about now.
ATHENA:
Let's turn on the radio. Maybe there's a something
interesting happening.
ZEUS:
How very wise.
ATHENA:
That's what I'm here for!
Athena turns on radio.
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
(Crackling)
You're tuned into the mortal pleads network! Your station for
hearing the anguished cries of petty humans.
DIONYSUS:
How boring.
DANAË:
(From radio)
Could someone please help me! I'm imprisoned, starving, and
most importantly, I haven't re-done my mascara!
APHRODITE:
The poor girl! I should give her a beauty treatment!
 6.

ZEUS:
(Peers down from clouds)
Wow! She is beautiful!
ARTEMIS:
Don't go getting any ideas...

ZEUS:
(To himself)
Perhaps I should pay her a visit.
(Loudly)
Well, I believe that I shall go down to Earth to... visit my
aunt.
Zeus leaves.
HERA:
Zeus has an aunt?
Everyone shrugs.

SCENE 5
Hermes walks by with sign that says '9 Months Later'.
Danaë is sting in dungeon with a baby in her arms.
Baby is crying. Guard #1 enters holding a slice of
bread
GUARD #1:
I have come to deliver your meal for the da- WHAT IS THAT?
Guard jumps back.
GUARD #1: (CONT’D)
Is that a-a BABY?!!
DANAË:
(Sarcastic)
No, it's a bunny rabbit.
GUARD #1:
(Relaxes)
Oh well then, that's fi-
DANAË:
Of course it's a baby! Don't you know sarcasm when you hear
it?
GUARD #1:
I must fetch the king!
Guard #1 leaves.
 7.

DANAË:
Darn.
Acrisius enters.
ACRISIUS:
Ugh, what's this about? I was in the middle of tormenting
some peasants.
(Spots baby)
Wait. IS THAT A BABY?
DANAË:
Here we go again...
ACRISIUS:
Where did you get it? Did it fall from the sky?!
(Inspects ceiling
suspiciously)
DANAË:
It's my baby.
ACRISIUS:
How could you have a baby by yourself?

DANAË:
It's father is Zeus. You know, the guy with the lightning
bolts? Anyway, I named the baby Perseus.
ACRISIUS:
But Perseus means destroyer!
DANAË:
(Maliciously)
Exactly. Would you like to hold him?
ACRISIUS:
(Jumps back)
Uh... No thanks.
(Turns to door)
Guards! Take my daughter and her son, and nail them in a
coffin. Then throw the coffin into the ocean.
(Evil laugh)
DANAË:
Ugh.
 8.

ACT 2

SCENE 1
Dictys the fisherman is fishing on beach. He spots a
coffin.

DICTYS:
Is that a coffin?
(Inspects coffin)
Jumping jupiter junebugs! It is!
Baby cries
DICTYS: (CONT’D)
And there's a baby inside!
DANAË:
Help!!!
DICTYS:
And a woman!
(Hits his ear)
I must be hearing things.
(Starts to walk away)
DANAË:
HEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!!!
DICTYS:
I guess I'm not hearing things.
(Opens coffin)
Danaë steps out, holding baby.
DANAË:
Thank you for rescuing me!
DICTYS:
No problem. But what were you doing in a coffin in the ocean?
With a baby?

DANAË:
My father put us in there because he thought that the baby
would try to kill him.
DICTYS:
(Inspects baby)
I mean, he looks pretty threatening. For a baby. I guess.
(Turns back to Danaë)
How about I take you to my brother! He's the king of this
land. I'm sure that he'll grant you sanctuary.
 9.

DANAË:
That sounds exquisite! Let's go!

SCENE 2
Throne Room of Polydectes' castle. Polydectes is
sitting on his throne with guards on both sides of
him. Danaë and Dictys kneel before throne.
BOTH GUARDS:
All hail the not so honorable King Polydectes of Seriphos,
may he live forever!
Lasers flash and glitter falls from ceiling. Trumpets
sound.
DANAË:
This seems familiar.
DICTYS:
Oh great king. I have come to request something.
POLYDECTES:
Sup bro. What do ya want?

DICTYS:
I was hoping that you could give sanctuary to this woman,
Danaë. She was nailed in a coffin that was in the ocean.
POLYDECTES:
(Ignoring Dictys. Looks at
Danaë and wriggles
eyebrows)
Hey beautiful.
DANAË:
Ugh. Gross.
POLYDECTES:
Sure, you can have sanctuary.
(Starts to walk towards her)

Baby cries loudly

POLYDECTES: (CONT’D)
AH! WHAT IS THAT?! A BABY?
DANAË:
Yup.

,
 10.

POLYDECTES:
(Back away. Mutters)
I hate babies.
(To Danaë)
Well, you and your despicable.... I mean, lovely baby are
welcome in my kingdom.

SCENE 3
Hermes walks by with a sign that says '17 Years
Later' Polydectes is talking with his guards in his
throne room.
POLYDECTES:
I cannot believe it! No matter how much I flirt with her,
Danaë resists! It's been 17 years, and she still hasn't been
charmed by me!
GUARD #2:
You look tense. How about a nice nap?
POLYDECTES:
(Ignoring Guard)
And it doesn't help that her son Perseus is the most skilled
warrior in the kingdom. Every time that I get near Danaë, he
somehow appears, stroking his sword menacingly, and glaring
at me! I need a way to get rid of him!
GUARD #1:
Maybe you should just forget about Danaë.
POLYDECTES:
No! She is the prettiest girl in the kingdom!
GUARD #1:
Well, do you have a plan?
POLYDECTES:
Wait! I have a plan!
GUARD #1:
Really?
POLYDECTES:
You know how my niece Hippodemeia is getting married next
week?
GUARD #2:
Yes?
POLYDECTES:
And how all of the nobles of the town are expected to give an
expensive gift?
 11.

GUARD #2:
Yes?
POLYDECTES:
Well, I think that poor little Perseus might end up making a
promise that he can't fulfill while at the wedding...
GUARD #2:
Really? How would you know that?
POLYDECTES:
Because I'll trick him into doing it, you dolt!
GUARD #2:
Oh. Sorry.
POLYDECTES:
After next week, I believe that we'll never see little Percy
ever again.
(Evil laugh)

SCENE 3
Wedding. Polydectes is standing in front. Perseus is
standing next to Danaë.
POLYDECTES:
Welcome everyone, to my dear niece's wedding.
CROWD:
(Cheers)
POLYDECTES:
And thank you for all of the wonderful gifts! Goodness!
Thousands of Drachmas must have gone into them!
CROWD:
(Cheers even more wildly)
POLYDECTES:
It seems that everyone here has given a gift! Except... wait!
It seems that Perseus has not given a single one!
CROWD:
(Boos)
PERSEUS:
Polydectes! You know that since we are only visitors in this
kingdom, we have no possessions to give!
 12.

POLYDECTES:
(Mock pity)
Oh dear. Poor Perseus has no money. Poor pitiful Perseus pays
no presents.
(Mutters)
That's a mouthful
CROWD:
Poor poor Perseus!
PERSEUS:
(Embarrassed)
Enough! Very well, Polydectes. I shall get a gift for the
wedding. Name something, and I shall get it.
POLYDECTES:
Anything?
PERSEUS:
Anything.
POLYDECTES:
Do you promise?
PERSEUS:
I promise.
POLYDECTES:
Do you.... cross your heart and hope to die? Stick a needle
in your eye?
CROWD:
(Gasps)
DANAË:
Don't do it Perseus!
PERSEUS:
I do.
POLYDECTES:
(Evil laugh)
Very well. I ask that you get....

DRUMROLL
POLYDECTES: (CONT’D)
The head of Medusa!
CROWD:
(Gasps)
 13.

DANAË:
NO!!!!!!
PERSEUS:
But.. but...
POLYDECTES:
You did say anything, did you not?
PERSEUS:
Yes... but... The head of Medusa? Do you seriously hate me
that much?
POLYDECTES:
Yup!
PERSEUS:
Darn. Very well. I shall fetch it.
POLYDECTES:
Suuurreeee you will.
Perseus leaves.

SCENE 4
Perseus is sitting on the ground. Hermes enters.
PERSEUS:
(Muttering)
Ugh. Stupid Medusa. Stupid head. Stupid king.
HERMES:
You look quite anguished.
PERSEUS:
Indeed. I am quite anguished.
HERMES:
That's what I thought. What's wrong?
PERSEUS:
Well, the king has just sent me on an impossible quest.
HERMES:
Can't you just back out?
PERSEUS:
Nope. I crossed my heart and hoped to die.

HERMES:
Well, that was slightly foolish. Now you cannot back out.
 14.

PERSEUS:
I know. That is why I'm moping. Who are you anyway?
HERMES:
I am Hermes, god of travelers, messengers, tricksters, liars,
thieves, and those really cheap Happy Meal toys.
PERSEUS:
(Bows)
Have you come to help me?
HERMES:
Nope!
PERSEUS:
Darn.
HERMES:
Just kidding! Remember, I'm the god of liars!
PERSEUS:
(Pretends to laugh)
Ha ha.
HERMES:
So, what exactly is this quest?
PERSEUS:
I have to fetch Medusa's head for the king.
HERMES:
Wow.
PERSEUS:
I know.
HERMES:
Well, I have a care package for you that might assist you on
your quest.
Pulls out Happy Meal
HERMES: (CONT’D)
I had this specially made! There's no food in it; instead,
there are not one, but 3 different toys inside!
PERSEUS:
(Sarcastically)
Gee, thanks.
Pulls out toys one by one.
 15.

HERMES:
(Explaining as toys come
out)
First, there's a toy sword that is super sharp! Next, there's
a toy shield that is so shiny, you can actually see your
reflection in it!
PERSEUS:
Why would that be useful?
HERMES:
You'll see!
Digs into bag.
HERMES: (CONT’D)
And finally..... A cheap plastic Hermes action figure!
PERSEUS:
What's that for?
HERMES:
Nothing really. But it can keep you company!
PERSEUS:
Er.. great! So... is that all that you have for me?
HERMES:
Yup! And a few words of advice. So, as you know, looking
directly at Medusa will instantly turn you to stone.
PERSEUS:
I know.

HERMES:
Well, if you just look at her reflection, then you'll be
okay!
PERSEUS:
How would I see her relfection?
HERMES:
In the shield!
PERSEUS:
Oh, yeah.
HERMES:
Well young hero, I must depart now. There are a few cows just
up the road that are begging to be stolen.

PERSEUS:
Thank you!
 16.

HERMES:
No problem.

SCENE 5
Medusa's cave. Medusa is facing the wall. Random hero
enters.
RANDOM HERO:
Prithee, stand up and fight thee cowardly knave! Thou hast
changed one too many brave heroes to stone!
MEDUSA:
Very well.
Medusa stands up, and turns around. Her face is in
shadow. Random hero shrieks, and turns to stone.
MEDUSA: (CONT’D)
This gets quite boring after awhile.

SCENE 6
Perseus is outside of Medusa's cave. Stone statue
rolls out.
PERSEUS:
That's encouraging...
Perseus enters cave.
MEDUSA:
Who's there?
PERSEUS:
There's no one here but us rocks!
MEDUSA:
Is that so?
Medusa turns around. Perseus hides, and uses
reflective shield to see her.
PERSEUS:
Nope!
Perseus charges at her. 1-5 minute battle ensues. In
the end, Perseus beheads Medusa.
PERSEUS: (CONT’D)
Ugh. Where should I put the head?
 17.

Sees Happy Meal box.

PERSEUS: (CONT’D)
Aha!
Puts head in box.
PERSEUS: (CONT’D)
That is one disgusting Happy Meal.

SCENE 7
Acrisius and Polydectes are meeting in Acrisius's
throne room.
BOTH GUARDS:
All hail the not so honorable King Acrisius of Argos, may he
live forever!
Lasers flash and glitter falls from ceiling. Trumpets
sound. Polydectes stands
POLYDECTES:
Oh, honorable King Acrisius. I, King Polydectes, have come to
ask that our two kingdoms become allies.
ACRISIUS:
And why would I want that? My kingdom could easily destroy
yours.
POLYDECTES:
I am well aware of that, my king. But it would be a worthy
reward for the man who finally rid you of your grandson!
ACRISIUS:
What do you mean? I send that baby away in a coffin many year
ago!
POLYDECTES:
Well, unfortunately for you, the coffin landed on my
kingdom's shore, where my fool of a brother rescued him. He
has grown up to be a great warrior.
ACRISIUS:
But-but you said that you got rid of him!
POLYDECTES:
I did! I sent him on a quest to kill Medusa. Poor pitiful
Perseus is a good as gone!

ACRISIUS:
Really?
 18.

Perseus enters.
PERSEUS:
Nope! And now, both of you shall be vanquished!
Perseus pulls out Happy Meal.
POLYDECTES:
How-how did you escape?!
PERSEUS:
I simply killed Medusa!
POLYDECTES:
But that's impossible! And why are you holding a Happy Meal?
PERSEUS:
I shall destroy you with it!
ACRISIUS:
Um.... the fries really aren't that bad...
PERSEUS:
Perhaps not, but Medusa's head is!
Pulls out head. Polydectes and Acrisius turn to
stone.
PERSEUS: (CONT’D)
Well, now I have a few lawn decorations.
Danae enters.
DANAË:
My dear son! You're alright!
PERSEUS:
Mother! I have finished my quest!
DANAË:
That's nice dear. Now I really must go get a pedicure.
Scene grows dark.

SCENE 8
Mount Olympus. Olympians are watching the end of the
previous scene.
ZEUS:
That was a good film!
 19.

HERMES:
I don't know. The portrayal of me was only sub-par. And
what's up with the whole Happy Meal thing? I didn't get that.
DEMETER:
I only got one line! And it was about wheat! Do you guys
seriously think that I'm that obsessed with wheat? I much
prefer parsnips!
POSEIDON:
I got no lines! I mean, come on. I'm Poseidon!
ATHENA:
Well, you know movies. They never get stuff right.
ZEUS:
How very wise.
ATHENA:
That's what I'm here for!
THE END