Essay 2

Task 1
The table below gives information about the employment sectors in which
people from 3 age groups worked.

Answer.
Given tThe data illustrates the worker proportionnumber of people of nine
different economy sectors by three from age groups: 19 to- 25, 25- 40 and 40-
65. years old, 25 to 40 years old, and 40 to 65 years old worked in particular
fields. Commented [A1]: Overall, in terms of the accuracy,
your grammar and vocabulary are fine. What I suggested
are the enhancement of the level and range.
Overall, the youngest group dominated the retail sector while most of the eldest
one worked in manufacturing. Moreover, highest number of middle age group Commented [A2]: Before mentioning this specific data
was in unspecified field and accountancy had lowest number of employees in all related with age group, you should put a more general
information.
age group.
Overview suggestion:
Overall, the majority of people works in the manufacturing sector and accounting
industry records the least level of employment. The retail sector has generated
the highest number of employment opportunities for the young people while the
manufacturing sector has got the highest involvement of senior employees.

In a more detailed, look at the table reveals that, Mmajority of retail industry Commented [A3]: Adding this phrase could
workers were from youngest group (23 people) and the eldest one only 13 significantly enhance your score

people. Moreover, only 6 people aged below 40th worked in this field.
Contrastingly, manufacturing is dominated by the elderly (23 people) and only
half of it them was aged below 25th. Meanwhile, just 15 employees from middle
age group worked herein that sector.
Furthermore, the highest number of middle age worker was in unspecified field
(18 workers) eventhough it was dominated by those ages below 25th (21
workers). On top of that, accountancy had the lowest number of employees
across the sectors whereby only 3 people from each youngest and eldest group
while 2 employees were from middle age group.
Commented [A4]: Then, if you follow the suggested
overview, you should change the content of this
paragraph.
Commented [A5]: The level of word ‘here’ is too basic
Commented [A6]: It is quite confusing to what the word
‘it’ refers to, ‘middle age worker’ or ‘unspecified field’.
Try to rearrange the sentence to remove its ambiguity.
Commented [A7]: Adding this word will be useful to
emphasis that these numbers are totally small

Note: I had difficulties in analyzing table. Too many information and most of the
time I get confuse which information I should include in the essay.
Overall, the data you include in your writing are fine. Meaning, you have already
had the skill. All you need to increase your speed is keeping practice. Force
yourself to finish the important/interesting data identification within 3 minutes
only every time you do the practice.
Task 2
Some people think the best way to solve global environmental problems is to
increase the cost of fuel.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

Environmental issues are now global problems one of the reasons for this to
happen is due to excessive use of fuel by humans. Therefore, it is believed that Commented [A8]: Please avoid the use of ‘reason’ and
one of the ways to overcome this issue is to impose a higher cost on fuel. ‘due to’ together in one sentence since it becomes
repetitive
However, I do not entirely agree with the proposed solution. This essay will
elaborate the reason why.

First, it is true that the continuous use of fuel contributes to global

environmental problems. In fact, research has found that nearly half of global
warming problems caused by vehicles as it emits the Carbon dioxide. For this Commented [A9]: You should explain why if it emits
reason, imposing a higher price towards the fuel can be one of an effective way to Carbon dioxide, then it will worsen the global warming.
Just put the very simple explanation, you are not
solve this issue. Since, it has been known that the higher the price of the fuel the expected to speak like the expert :D
lesser number of transportations would be used.
Example: as it emits CO2, the gas which is regarded as the
main factor of this increasing temperature.
Nevertheless, this might not always be the case. Such a condition might work to
those with average economic background. But it would not limit those who are
from upper economic background since they will always be able to afford it
regardless of how much it costs them..

In conclusion, increasing the fuel price might be an effective way to reduce the
world environmental issues due to it will degrease the utilization Commented [A10]: Due to + object
transportations in which are the major contributors to global warming. While
You may rewrite it as follow:
some condition such as people from high economic level will normally never due to its potential to decrease the ….
consider a price to stop purchasing it possibly do not make it effective.

Note :
Thanks for highlighted that I was out of the topic. Here, I tried to rewrite the
essay as per your advised. Could you please give me some tips on how can stay in
the topic while writing the essay? it was a bit challenging for me as I was
catching up with the time and I had to thinking and writing at the same time 

Allocating 5 minutes in the beginning to do brainstorming and outlining will help

you to keep on track.

Good luck ^^