s2.
(21/05/2015) Nowadays, more and more people decide to have children later in their
life. What are the reasons? What are the effects on society and family life?
Essay:
It is true that some children are giving birth later by personal decisions of their parents. There are many
individual purposes and both negative and positive influences for this trend.
I believe that married couples have their own causes to start a family later in their lives. Firstly, young
people usually want to pursue their futher study in order to meet the demand for high quality labours
and compete efficiently with their strong competitors; they desire to promote in their career path and
always put job in top priority list of their lives. Secondly, many women like to protect their natural
beauty from ages because they consider that belonging to family soon will change their real value in
eyes of men, and make them lack their confidence towards other nice girls. Finally, people who want
not to care their babies early could acquire high socioeconomic stat such as famous schools or
participate in more essential skill courses than peers.us for children future. For examples, children of
those parents can access a high quality education
The tendency of embarking on parenthood late creates huge impacts on both social and familial sides.
In social term, ageing population will decrease the productivity of future workforce. Young people must
work harder, and it may put an enormous pressure on public healthcare system. For instance, youngs
Commented [AB1]: ‘are being born’ or ‘mothers are giving
birth’.
Commented [AB2]: ‘due to’; ‘because of’; ‘as a result of’
Commented [AB3]: ‘their parents’ personal decisions’ – avoid
too many phrases with ‘of the’ – this can be said more concisely
with an apostrophe ‘s on the noun.
Commented [AB4]: ‘reasons’ (reasons why they take the
decision)
Commented [AB5]: ‘of’
Commented [AB6]: ‘reasons for starting’ – ‘cause’is used with
negative ideas.
http://www.english-for-students.com/What-is-the-difference-
between-Cause-and-Reason.html
Commented [AB7]: ‘further studies’ – it is always plural.
Commented [AB8]: I think this could be said in fewer words
with the same meaning – ‘to be highly competitive in the modern
workforce’
Commented [AB9]: Again here fewer words would be clearer –
‘promotion is important and their job remains their top priority’
Commented [AB10]: ‘age’
Commented [AB11]: I like this ideas but it is a little
controversial 
‘because once married, having a family might make them less
attractive in the eyes of men, and their confidence may be affected’
– notice my use of ‘might/may’ for ‘controversial’ ideas.
Commented [AB12]: At the moment your ideas are too long
and lack some focus –
Finally, by leaving having a baby late parents can pay for famous
schools and children can participate in more essential skill courses
and this can benefit their future. For examples, children of those
parents can access a high quality education
Commented [AB13]: ‘to embark’
Commented [AB14]: ‘social terms’
Commented [AB15]: ‘this’ – meaning ‘this fact / idea’ – ‘it’
does not have the same meaning.
force to worker more time to pay tax for government with the purpose of allocating pension payment

and improving healthcare system to old people. These burdens make them gradually exhausted as a Commented [AB16]: The grammar is a little unclear here –

The young are / will be / may be forced to worker more time

longer to pay tax for to the government with the purpose of
results. In familial terms, more children are happy with the great care of their successful parents, but allocating pension payment and improving healthcare system to
for old people
Commented [AB17]: ‘result’ – always singular.

fathers and mothers can not see the next generation as their life expectancy. Consequently, they could Commented [AB18]: A little unclear –
‘………receive better financial care, but parents cannot see their
grandchildren grow up’

not teach good traditional values to their descendants.

In conclusion, current couples want not to become parents when they are young with an increasing rate

. It might have their own reasons and have both bad and good effects on family and community as a

whole. Commented [AB19]: Confusing - ‘In conclusion, current

couples want not to become parents when they are young with an
increasing rate . It might have their own reasons and have both bad
and good effects on There are benefits and drawback of this trend
to the family and community as a whole.
(332 words)

Comments:

IELTS Marking Criteria My comments Band score

Task Fulfilment Addresses most parts of the task

although some parts may be 6.0
more fully covered than others.
The arguments in all your
paragraphs are clear, however
because you are writing too
many words this is affecting the
overall achievement level.

Cohesion and Coherence Uses a range of cohesive devices

appropriately. Some good 6.0
cohesion in your essay but at the
moment your sentences are too
long and they do
 not flow perfectly. Therefore
your cohesion between
sentences is good but the
coherence is weaker.
Lexical resource Uses a sufficient range of
vocabulary to allow some 6.5
flexibility and precision. The
language can be relevant and
appropriate – the only problem
is there is too much. You have to
be more accurate with some
choices.
Grammatical Range Uses a variety of complex
and accuracy structures but you are more
accurate in simpler sentences;
your errors take place in 6.0
choosing language which is too
complex in the sentence. You will
need to make your sentences
more concise.

This is a 6.0. A good answer. You are need to simplify your answers – try to use a little passive; more
than anything keep to the word limit.