The Effect of Birth Order on Children

Birth order impacts on children's emotions, behavior, and personality

Posted May 31, 2016
Meri Wallace LCSW

Birth order has a powerful impact upon children's emotions, behavior and personality
development. By a twist of fate a child is born into a particular spot in the family, and
from this position, he will have unique emotional experiences. Each spot in the order
has it's advantages and challenges.

The firstborn child basks in her parents' undivided love and attention for a period of
time, and often benefits emotionally from this experience. She can emerge feeling loved
with a sense of security and self-confidence.This will help her to go out into the world
and become a responsible leader. Many of our presidents and heads of corporations
have been firstborns.

However, he also faces some difficult emotional challenges in his spot. His
inexperienced, loving parents, often have very high expectations for him. Parents want
very much for their firstborn to be a success. (It certainly makes them feel good about
themselves as parents, as well.) As a result of this wish, they often micromanage and
critique every move he makes. It is not uncommon to hear parents say, “Sit up tall”;
“That's not the way to draw a tree”; “What? You only got 98 % on your spelling test?
What happened to the other two points?”As a result, the firstborn child can end up
feeling very pressured to succeed and become a perfectionist, often equating love with
success.

A firstborn child experiences terrible feelings of loss when she gives up her old crib to
the new baby, and must now share her parents' love and attention. She feels jealous
because of the special care and attention her adorable little sibling gets; feels intruded
upon because the younger one tends to mess up whatever she is doing ; and is
resentful because she is generally required to behave better and do more for the family.
However, one of the most positive experiences she receives as a first born, is nurturing
a younger sibling. This experience expands her ability to love and to be sensitive to
other people's needs.
The secondborn child benefits from calmer, more self-confident parents and enjoys
special attention as the baby. He also has the advantage of learning from, and
modeling, his idolized older sibling. As a result, he may be able to read at an earlier
age. However, the secondborn child often feels terribly inadequate as he sits on a
tricycle and his older sibling whizzes by on a two wheeler. Unfortunately, he lacks the
understanding that the problem has to do with the childrens' age difference. The
secondborn is always rushing to catch up to the firstborn in order to feel that he is
valuable.

A secondborn child also feels jealous because her older sibling is always accomplishing
new firsts, such as performing in a play, or getting ready to go to high school. These
events tend to consume a great deal of her parents' time and attention, and she can feel
left out and invisible at times. The secondborn is often dominated by her faster talking
older sibling who tries to maintain his number one position by criticizing her and bossing
her around.

The middle child shares the positives of being both a younger sibling and an older one.
He has an older sibling to learn from, who can watch over him, and he has a younger
sibling who looks up to him, whom he can nurture. But as the middle child, he faces
some of his own unique challenges. He feels upset about losing his role as the baby,
and often feels left out and jealous because both his older and younger siblings
command so much attention. It's not unusual for one parent to be helping the older child
with her homework, while the other parent gets the baby ready for bed while the middle
child sits alone waiting for attention.

The middle child is extremely competitive with her siblings. She is constantly chasing
after the older one to catch up, while racing to stay ahead of the younger one. The
middle child has another unique dilemma. She is not the oldest and not the youngest,
so she must struggle to establish her own unique identity.
The Plight of Ego and its destructive Effects - By Ken
Blanchard, a revered Management Guru in the US.
Published on November 29, 2015

What is Ego? It is what keeps us from being a Serving Leader to a Self-Serving leader.
Ego for me stands as “Edging God Out”.

There are two ways our egos get in the way. One is false pride, when you start thinking
more of yourself than you should. That’s when you start pushing and shoving for credit
and thinking leadership is about you rather than those who are led. You spend time
promoting yourself.

The other way your ego trips you up is self-doubt or fear. Thinking less of yourself than
you should. Now you are consumed with your own shortcomings and are hard on
yourself. You spend a great deal of your time protecting yourself and accepting others
faults or in addition to own or being in safe territory.

With both false pride and self-doubt, you have a hard time believing you are loved and
respected. Now you think your self-worth is a function of your performance plus the
opinion of others. Since your performance will vary day to day and people are often
fickle, with that belief your self-worth is up for grabs every day!!!.

It’s easy to understand that self-doubt comes from lack of self-esteem because people
afflicted with it on a daily basis act as if they are worthless than others. People with false
pride act to show they are worth more than others.

When Managers are addicted to either ego affliction, it erodes their effectiveness.
Managers dominated by false pride are often called controllers. Even if all are upbeat
and confident and want to reach a higher target, they put out a wet blanket and create
pessimism.
 On the other hand, are the do-nothing bosses who conduct many meetings, take all
information from their colleagues, have poor true understanding of the business and
their people and are always avoiding conflict and not very helpful. They avoid people
who question, have a great sense of insecurity with those who need it and are usually
trying to be in a safe area of comfort. They always value others thoughts over their own
people and are mostly indecisive blaming lack of authority thus protecting their own
reputation and not put their reputation on the line.

Most of us have traces of both false pride and self-doubt because the issue is ego. It is
how we accept and work around it that builds good Managers and Great Organizations
with a healthy morale.

The Antidote for false Pride is Humility. For Humility, one needs Confidence and for
Confidence, one needs to believe in God and have Motivation and for Motivation, one
needs True Purpose.
How To Turn Your Anxiety Into A
Productivity Booster

Anx-i-ety. Just sounding out the word simulates that closing of the throat, that belly-
churn of uncertainty that comes with fretting about the future.

Anxiety affects 40 million adults in the U.S. “It’s part of our physiology as human
beings,” says Steve Orma, a San Francisco-based psychologist and career coach. “If a
car was rushing toward you and your reaction was, ‘Whatever,’ you’d get run over.”

Anxiety is baked into our survival instinct. It’s when that worry over the future gets out of
hand or impedes our performance that we have a problem. Use your anxiety the right
way and it will help you be more productive and proactive. Here are some steps to get
you on that productivity path.
NOTICE YOUR ANXIETY AS A FACT

Often anxiety begets more anxiety. But feeling guilty or frustrated by your anxious
feelings only amplifies them, says Orma. “Don’t freak out about the fact that you are
getting anxious,” he says. “You want to understand the anxiety instead of judge it and
freak out about it.”

Remind yourself that this is a natural reaction the mind and body has in situations of
uncertainty. There’s nothing wrong with having that feeling, but the first step is to
acknowledge it.

DO A MIND DUMP

Get your worries down on paper. Letting the anxieties you’re latched onto out on the
page can be cathartic. “What is the worst that can happen?” says Orma. “Get it all down
on paper.” This will allow you to let go of some of those worries you’ve bottled up. Often
seeing your thoughts on the page can give you a more objective perspective and help
you unpack what you are actually worrying about.

IS IT PRODUCTIVE OR UNPRODUCTIVE WORRY?

We have productive and unproductive anxiety. An unproductive worry is one we have

no control over. Often it has to do with other people or global issues beyond our control.
“If you recognize it as unproductive worry, you can tell yourself, ‘There is nothing I can
do about this and it’s a waste of time,'” says Orma.

A productive worry, on the other hand, is one you can take active steps to alleviate. If
you’re worried about blowing a job interview, for example, that’s a productive anxiety. In
this case, you can acknowledge your anxiety and figure out steps to take in order to
make yourself more prepared so that you won’t blow the interview–practice answering
questions or research everything you can about the company.

BE A DEFENSIVE PESSIMIST

Having pessimistic thoughts can be a trigger to take action in a positive way, according
to Julie Norem, a psychology professor at Wellesley College. “If you feel anxious, you
need to do something about it,” Norem said in an interview with the Atlantic. She calls
this proactive approach to anxiety “defensive pessimism.”

“When people are being defensively pessimistic, they set low expectations, but then
they take the next step which is to think through in concrete and vivid ways what exactly
might go wrong,” she says. Norem gives the example of speaking in public. If you’re
afraid of going on stage–what are your specific fears? Maybe you’re scared of tripping,
spilling water on the podium or having a tech fail. You can take steps to avoid this. Tape
down any loose cords on stage or test your slideshow at the venue in advance to make
sure it works. Taking active steps to help prevent the missteps you’re anxious about will
improve your performance.

THINK OF IT AS AN ENERGY BOOST

Anxiety gives you an energy and adrenaline rush, says Orma. Focus that energy toward
good and you can improve your performance. This is something professional athletes,
who often admit to butterflies before an important game or competition, do to stay more
focused and driven.

FRAME ANXIETY AS EXCITEMENT

Anxiety and excitement have many of the same symptoms. Both tend to increase your
heart rate and make you more alert. “People think of anxiety as negative and
excitement as positive,” says Orma. Thinking of your anxiety as excitement can help
you avoid going down the rabbit hole of negative feelings.

STEP AWAY

Anxiety is often at its worst when you agonize over a decision or situation. Any feelings
of panic that you have should be a signal to step away and give yourself a break from
whatever you’re thinking about. If you’re anxious about a decision, fretting about it once
you’ve done all of the work to get there is counterproductive. Instead, give your mind
some space. Take a walk or let yourself sleep on it. “Let your mind do what it is
designed to do,” says Orma, “When you come back well-rested, you’ll be able to see
more clearly.”
6 Ways Counselors Connect with Clients
By: Rachelle Smith March 06,2017

As a counselor, connecting with clients is one of if not the most important aspect of
forming a trusting relationship with your client. This is easier said than done. How do
you connect with a client and form enough trust for them to talk to you so that you can
help them? These six tips will help you begin to understand the value of the client and
counselor bond so that you can implement them in your own practices.

Make Sure the Focus is on the Client

Although this tip may seem obvious to someone with a degree in counseling, it’s
arguably the most important. The beginning, middle and end of every session should be
about the client’s thoughts, feelings and actions. Keep the spotlight on the client. You
accomplish this by honing your listening ear and being very careful about the few words
you say. Be sure to clear your own head before a session to stay focused and give your
client the attention they deserve.

Walk the Line between Pushy and Coddling

Clients need to know you accept them and respect their right to make their own
decisions. Neither coddling your client nor being too insensitive to their readiness to
open up will be productive. You must find the median line that intersects these two
extremes. Be sensitive to where your client is at, but know when to give the extra little
encouragement to reveal more or to think deeper.Sometimes, it’s that push that helps
the client arrive at their ultimate goal.

Stay Confidential

Trust is the most valuable facet of the counselor/client partnership. Without trust, the
client won’t be comfortable opening up to let you listen and begin the journey to health
and healing. This includes keeping all information about the client and the sessions to
yourself, and yourself only. Sometimes, making sure your client knows that you have
the rule of confidentiality can help you manage resistant clients. Start your work with
clients by explaining what confidentiality means and the ways you ensure their privacy.
Also be sure to explain when you will have to breach that promise – if they threaten
harm to themselves or to others and if they reveal child abuse. Some states have other
rules about the exceptions to confidentiality.
Ask for Clarification

Work hard to understand the client – start with the idea you cannot know the client’s
world without listening carefully. Ask what words mean; for example ask what family
means and who is theirs. Do not assume your idea of anything matches theirs. It’s your
job to assess the situation carefully and correctly. If you develop a misconception about
your client’s situation, you could complicate things for the client and impede
progresstowards your client’s goal.

Just as a good journalist asks open-ended questions to understand the most from their
interviewees, a counselor should ask open-ended questions to assess more detail from
the discussion. For example, if you ask “Are you happy about what happened,” You
may receive a “yes” or “no” response. But, if you ask, “How do you feel about what
happened,” the question is an open-ended tool for conversation and further
understanding.

Structure the Session

Sessions will vary depending on the theory of counseling you are using. Some
counselors use protocols with clear guidelines for what comes first, second and so on.
Others have less structure and the session unfolds more through the client’s story.
Whether mapped with pre-determined steps or more open-ended, counselors should be
careful to create a beginning to settle into the deeper conversation, a middle in which
the “work” is happening, and an end with a summary of the session and plans for what
is next.
What Makes Therapy Therapeutic?
Lloyd I. Sederer, MD May 10,2014

There are a number of forms of psychotherapy - cognitive-behavioral (CBT),

interpersonal (IPT) and psychodynamic - to name a few. How do they work? What
makes therapy therapeutic?

While there are differences in the techniques employed by these different therapies they
all are rooted a few mutative elements: empathy, genuineness, warmth, active listening,
positive regard, and trust. In fact, without these elements, a therapy isn’t going to be
successful, no matter what technique is used. What are these key ingredients?

Empathy. Empathy is built into our brains. Humans have what are called “mirror
neurons”, brain cells, which permit us to feel and behave like the person (or people)
we’re with. Empathy is the capacity to feel what someone else is feeling. It is different
from sympathy, where we feel sorry for another person. Empathy allows one person to
live, however transiently, in the shoes of another, which can create a bond, and a basis
for understanding. Empathy enables the work of therapy, often problem solving
together, to proceed.

Genuineness and Warmth. These qualities are at the heart of human connection.
Clinical studies have shown that people return to doctors and therapists who are warm
and genuine (real) - sometimes even when the clinician’s technical skills are not all that
good. Warmth also makes an important contribution to change, especially when a
person is revealing painful or persistent problems that cause him or her suffering, guilt
and shame.

Active Listening. Active listening is the capacity for a therapist to listen attentively, not
just talk. A therapist needs to do more than just emotional handholding. Active listening
also allows the therapist to appreciate what is not being said, but may be communicated
through body language and other nonverbal cues. An active listener makes connections
between past and present, people, feelings, ideas and behaviors, asks good questions,
pushes gently, insists on movement that is in a person’s interest, and limits avoidance
of difficult feelings or needed actions.
Positive Regard. This is an acceptance of the person without critical judgment. It also
means believing that person can change and build a better life. With some exceptions
(e.g., sociopaths), a therapist needs to believe in a patient’s goodness and capacity to
change.

Trust. Trust is basic to all good relationships. A patient must trust that the therapist will
provide a safe, confidential environment that places his or her needs before those of the
therapist. Trust in therapy is the unshakeable belief that your therapist will not exploit
you.

These critical elements are the building blocks of the therapeutic alliance, perhaps the
best predictor of a whether a person will respond to therapy. You can tell when a
therapeutic alliance exists when a person believes that the therapist will be there in a
helpful, nonjudgmental, safe, and confidential way, no matter what happens. A
therapeutic alliance trumps any credentials or training the therapist may have: the
patient’s interpersonal experience with the clinician can be more important to success
than the diploma on the wall.

Psychotherapy has had its share of New Yorker cartoons and more serious, less
farcical but no less deserved, criticisms. But therapy works and can be transformative in
a person’s life, and thereby in the lives of a family, worksite and community. When
empathy, genuineness, warmth, active listening, positive regard, and trust are sustained
in therapy and when two people live by their respective responsibilities to the work of
therapy a remarkable process unfolds. When that happens a life can be rebuilt with
love, purpose and the deep pleasures those produce.
WARMTH, EMPATHY & GENUINENESS

Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living

– By David B. Wolf

Researchers have conducted a multitude of studies on the effects of the many types of
therapies to determine which approaches are most effective in helping someone feel
better and solve problems. These studies have indicated that outcomes are not
primarily correlated with the type of counseling being practiced. What do correlate highly
with positive outcomes are the qualities of the counselor. The essential qualities of an
effective helper are warmth, empathy and genuineness (WEG). That is to say,
regardless of the theoretical orientation of the counselor or school of techniques used,
the extent to which the practitioners possessed warmth, empathy and genuineness
directly corresponded with successful results. Warmth, empathy and genuineness are
inherent qualities of the self. Thus effective helping is not dependent on university
degrees or experience in the mental health professions. (In fact, such training can even
be a barrier. In one study only about 13 percent of mental health professionals
responded with empathy to a depressed client.)

It is important to note that true warmth is not a sentimental emotive expression. It is

sincere understanding and caring. We do not want to use warmth to cover for lack of
competence in communication skills. Natural warmth inspires trust. With empathy we
understand the other person’s perspective. This does not mean that we necessarily
agree with that perspective; we can leave our frame of reference without abandoning it.

Genuineness means that we are authentic and spontaneous. While acknowledging that
we may play various roles in life, we do not hide behind those roles. For example,
though a person might recognize that he is the manager, child, youngest or senior
member of a group, counselor or parent in a relationship, he does not allow these roles
to become an obstacle to genuine human interaction.