A CRITIQUE OF COMING OUT ADVICE AND BEHAVIORS 1

A Critique of Coming Out Advice and the Communicative Behaviors Associated with Coming

Out in the 21st Century

Enrique Hernandez

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

CMN 435 – Ramey

A CRITIQUE OF COMING OUT ADVICE AND BEHAVIORS 2

There comes a time in every Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered (LGBT)

persons’ life when they must make a choice to “come-out” to his or her family and loved ones.

Coming out has been widely discussed in popular media and is a metaphor for self-disclosure of

sexual orientation or gender identity (Manning, 2014a). Due to the increased representation of

coming out in poplar media, many different sigma’s and assumptions can be made about the

coming out process and whether or not it can positively or negatively affect everyone involved.

Usually the examples portrayed in the media are extremely polarized, with parents or family

members having a very positive, loving reaction, or having an extremely negative reaction,

which in most cases, lead to the exiling of the person coming out. Because of the portrayal of

these different types of reactions, LGBT people often seek advice from different outlets in order

to plan their method of coming out. The article of advice I have selected to critique is that of a

podcast conducted with media proprietor and talk show host, Oprah Winfrey, and her longtime

friend, and successful interior designer, Nate Berkus. By comparing the advice offered by these

two cultural figures, and how it measures against communicative research, will aid in shedding

further light on coming out and the stigmas behind “the closet”. In addition to this, by using

Berkus’s advice, this will help in uncovering the best possible ways to come out, if any, and

further elaborate and emphasize the challenges LGBT people face in their efforts to self-disclose.

Oprah Winfrey and Nate Berkus begin their podcast by discussing the ways in which to

succeed in life. Both Winfrey and Berkus offer standard advice such as working hard, striving

for the best, and always showing gratitude when new opportunities arise. However, when

Winfrey and Berkus teeter on self-love and acceptance, Winfrey then asks Berkus if he could

explain his coming out process. It is in these moments of the podcast when Berkus is at his

rawest form, and most emotionally charged. Berkus describes his coming out process in two
A CRITIQUE OF COMING OUT ADVICE AND BEHAVIORS 3

stages, the first being to his mother and step-father, and the second being to his biological father.

The first stage happened over the course of the summer of his freshman year of college when

Berkus’s step-father found a letter he had written to his boyfriend at the time (Berkus, 2017).

Berkus explains that his step-father found the letter at the beginning of the summer and chose not

to confront him about it until the moment he departed for school that August.

The first stage of Berkus’s coming out story concludes with his step-father professing his

love for him after his discovery, and that even though he found out in the beginning of the

summer, his attitudes and behaviors toward Berkus never changed (Berkus, 2017). When the

moment came for Berkus to tell his mother, he spoke to her on the phone, and although she did

not have much to say but “I love you,” Berkus felt the statement was sincere. Berkus recounts

that the most challenging person he came out to was his biological father, who denied Berkus’s

statements on several accounts. It wasn’t until Berkus was 21 when he gave his father the

ultimatum that he either accept him how he was, or he would no longer be a part of his life

(Berkus, 2017). To Berkus’s surprise, after years of struggle, his father finally accepted him.

Berkus summarizes his advice by allowing your parents time to “grieve” with the

disruption to the heteronormative lifestyle they envisioned for you, making sure you assert being

LGBT is not a choice, and reassuring your parents that you love them no matter what (Berkus,

2017). In alluding to course concepts, Berkus is describing positive affirmations one can make

when self-disclosing. Although much of the research discussed in class pertains to self-disclosing

in the context of first meeting someone, self-disclosing can happen at any point throughout a

given relationship. In addition to this, self-disclosing is aided through mediated technology.

When referring to coming out specifically, many people choose to do so first through face-to-
A CRITIQUE OF COMING OUT ADVICE AND BEHAVIORS 4

face interactions with their loved ones, and later on through social media platforms, such as

Facebook (Owens, 2017).

Before one can assess the ways in which coming out came to be, a fundamental

understanding of “the closet” must be established. As the research of Berg (2016) proves, “the

closet” is the state in which most LGBT people find themselves before finding the comfort to

come out. In some ways, “the closet” is a safe space, but it is associated with the most oppressive

times in any LGBT persons’ life (Berg, 2016). Being in “the closet” often forces LGBT people to

act “straight”, or interested in the opposite sex, in order to abide by the demanding

heteronormative environment they are surrounded with (Berg, 2016). In some instances, many

LGBT people never “come out” of “the closet” and remain trapped and confined to societal

restrictions and stereotypes placed upon them. In this way, coming out proves to be a pivotal

turning point in an LGBT persons’ life as they are abandoning “the closet” and becoming

comfortable with themselves.

As the work of Manning (2014a) notes, coming out is complex, and places an unfair

burden upon non-heterosexual individuals as they have to consider when is the right time to

come out and what the risks of doing so might be. Even when a parent or loved one might

suspect same-sex attraction, they crave a coming out disclosure as an affirmation (Manning,

2014a). Typically, the coming out disclosure is introduced as special or noteworthy; the

participants in the disclosure engage verbally in order to assess and negotiate a central meaning,

even if the negotiation is not positive; and a concluding statement is made (Manning, 2014a).

This model of disclosure is different from the nine-step model proposed in Manning’s (2014b)

earlier work in which many of the stages are internal. The nine-step model Manning (2014b)
A CRITIQUE OF COMING OUT ADVICE AND BEHAVIORS 5

describes highlights the internal turmoil LGBT people often face when they deny their sexuality

or begin to recognize it is not the norm.

When relating Manning (2014a) to Berkus’s advice, the main underlying similarities are

affirming direct relational statements, nonverbal immediacy, and expression of denial. Affirming

direct relational statements assert approval of the LGBT identity as well as direct statements that

emphasize love (“I love you”, “I want you to be happy”) (Manning, 2014a). Berkus alludes to

Manning’s (2014a) work by insisting that the person coming out reiterate to their parent that they

love them, and hopefully, the parent reciprocates. The data retrieved from Manning (2014a)

assesses the responses of LGBT individuals when they came out and what responses they found

most comforting from their audience. In contrast to the individual asserting their love for their

parent, it is much more beneficial for the LGBT individual to hear affirming statements from the

party they are coming out to. Nonverbal immediacy refers to actions during the disclosure that

further affirm acceptance, such as hugging and kissing (Manning, 2014a). Berkus does not touch

on nonverbal immediacy in the slightest, but a hug (nonverbal; haptics) after disclosure has been

proven to only further assert love and acceptance.

Expression of denial is the most common negative communicative behavior the party the

LGBT person is disclosing to may enact (Manning, 2014a). Berkus experienced this denial when

he made several attempts to come out to his father. In other instances, denial can be expressed

through the person shutting down, or in some instances, parents can blame themselves for their

child having a “defect” (Manning, 2014a). Negative communicative behaviors such as denial,

religious talk, or inappropriate questions/comments (“Who is the man and who is the woman in

the relationship?”) often cause LGBT people to refrain from coming out to others and regret

coming out altogether. Neither Berkus or Manning (2014a) propose solutions when faced with
A CRITIQUE OF COMING OUT ADVICE AND BEHAVIORS 6

negative communicative behaviors. This emphasizes the fact that much research today does not

offer proper or substantial advice to LGBT people on how to cope with negative behaviors in

response to their coming out. Although negative behaviors vary across the board, the lack of

advice forces LGBT people to turn to online platforms (Chirrey, 2011).

With the expansion of online forums, such as Reddit, LGBT people often flock to these

sites to read coming out stories in order to plan their own (Chirrey, 2011). However, as Chirrey

(2011) outlines, many of these forums only give a synthesized version of how the individual

came out, not a play by play of what exactly happen. Furthermore, many people make

attributions that when they come out, their situation may be similar to that of someone else

online. Although this is neither true or false, coming out is complex and could encompass

positive and negative reactions at once, it is not healthy to come out based on the framework of

someone else has (Chirrey, 2011). In this way, Berkus’s advice excels by giving general tips that

can be used by every LGBT person. Berkus’s emphasis on positive communicative behaviors is

something not only LGBT people should take in tow when coming out, but everyone, especially

when revealing difficult topics pertaining to self-disclosure.

Apart from coming out to loved ones through face to face interactions, the world of social

media has allowed LGBT people to come out to a broader audience. Social media platforms,

such as Facebook, have been mediums that allow LGBT people to come out by simply

publishing a post (Owens, 2017). While there is risk of receiving negative reactions from others

when coming out online, Owens (2017) data proves that many LGBT people feel as though

Facebook is a safer space for them to explore their sexuality. However, the risk of a negative

response causes LGBT people to actively monitor their social media profiles to reduce the

changes of appearing “too gay” (Owens, 2017). Thus proving that although social media has
A CRITIQUE OF COMING OUT ADVICE AND BEHAVIORS 7

played a pivotal role in the coming out process, and self-expression altogether, it is also a void in

which LGBT people may be pushing themselves further into the closet.

Coming out can be a difficult process, but it can be one of the most rewarding, and

encompassing moments in a persons’ life. Before and after the act of coming out, the individual

has changed, and coming out further aids the individual in their journey to self-acceptance. The

difficulties LGBT people face in modern day due to the restraints of heteronormativity are vast,

but that does not necessarily mean that the world we live in today is increasingly empathetic and

accepting of others. Communication scholars and Berkus can benefit in researching more ways

to combat negative reactions to coming out and how to recover when the reaction is not desired.

Although Berkus’s advice to the LGBT community on coming out is flawed, in essence, it

provides enough substance to convey a message that regardless of the response to your coming

out, the opinion of yourself and your self-love will prevail above all else.
 A CRITIQUE OF COMING OUT ADVICE AND BEHAVIORS 8

Works Cited

Berg, E. V. (2016). ‘The closet’: A dangerous heteronormative space. South African Review of

Sociology, 47(3), 25-43. doi:10.1080/21528586.2016.1182445

Oprah Winfrey SuperSoul Conversations - Nate Berkus: Design for Your Spirit [Audio blog

interview]. (2017, September 25). Retrieved November 27, 2017, from

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/nate-berkus-design-for-your-

spirit/id1264843400?i=1000392664477&mt=2

Chirrey, D. A. (2011). Formulating dispositions in coming out advice. Discourse Studies, 13(3), 283-

298. doi:10.1177/1461445611400672

Manning, J. (2014a). Positive and Negative Communicative Behaviors in Coming-Out Conversations.

Journal of Homosexuality, 62(1), 67-97. doi:10.1080/00918369.2014.957127

Manning, J. (2014b). Communicating Sexual Identities: A Typology of Coming Out. Sexuality &

Culture, 19(1), 122-138. doi:10.1007/s12119-014-9251-4

Owens, Z. D. (2016). Is It Facebook Official? Coming Out and Passing Strategies of Young Adult

Gay Men on Social Media. Journal of Homosexuality, 64(4), 431-449.

doi:10.1080/00918369.2016.1194112