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Julian Duenas

Professor Lisa Orta

English 123

20 February 2018

Death’s Place In Life

In the poem, “5. 4AM”, Published in Gil Cuadros’ “City of God”, Cuadros relives the

moments leading up to the realization of John’s death. This poem particularly stood out to me,

because I could relate to it the most. Reading the poem brought me back to January of 2017

when I got a call from my mom telling me to “drive home safe” from school. She hadn’t told me

in that moment that my beloved dog, Ruby had passed away. I knew she was sick. I knew that

she had had been at the veterinary clinic getting treated for Lyme’s disease and a virus she

contracted from chewing on a dead deer leg bone. But after that call, I just knew deep down in

my heart that I’d lost her. And it was a very calming feeling. That feeling can most closely be

related to this line in Cuadros’ poem, “the nurse said, You better come over right away”, “Mike

is the closest, so I called him, told him, I think this is it.” This series of lines had one of the

hardest impacts on me after reading and re-reading it. The actions the narrator describes in the

lines following had a soothing, calm and collected tone to them. There was no panic, there was

no rush of emotion immediately following the call. The way the narrator described his feelings

about the five rings and wedding were in a relaxing and nostalgic manner. This mimics my

experience. Driving home, I was calm and collected even though I knew deep down that I had

lost her.

There was a section of poem number 5 that I thought was very relatable to me. After the

phone call when the narrator is told of John’s death, he “slowly hangs up the phone”, and his
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“blood turns to glass”. This is something I can very closely relate to when experiencing Ruby’s

death. When I got home, my step dad was in the living room. As soon as I walk through the door,

he sees me and says, “I’m sorry, Julian”. That’s all it took. As soon as I heard that, all my

emotion just came rushing out. Almost like a build-up of emotion overflowing and bursting out.

You can very closely relate it to blood becoming glass, and moments later that glass shattering. I

ran upstairs, and I saw her there almost as if she was sleeping. It looked very peaceful, yet it was

chaos in my head with all the grief, sorrow, frustration and regret.

For those experiencing death as a spectator, outlets are crucial when dealing with

depression, grief and guilt. Outlets have a way of channeling your emotions in a way that helps

your long term mental health and takes your mind off thoughts and feelings that slowly eat away

at you. Creation is one of the strongest outlets. It some cases, some of the best music, writing and

art have come from those who were in very negatively impacted mental states. The best example

of this can be seen in the very poems that we are reading at right now. Cuadros takes the

heartbreaking memories of watching a loved one pass away and forms those memories into art

through writing and poetry. Here, we can analyze his writing and piece together his words to feel

them through his point of view. As we read this poetry, we get to put words into context,

understanding and most importantly relating to what he went through.

My outlet came in the form of fitness. There was something about lifting weights that just

let me release all the energy that built up after her death. Almost in a literal way. Setting personal

goals when it came to all things related to fitness took my mind off the feelings of grief that

would come up from time to time. Setting weightlifting PR’s or personal records, staying on

track with a planned-out diet, learning new accessory exercises and ways to improve form helped

me stay on track with a positive mood. It helped me push back the negative thoughts that came
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with death and helped me envision the positive memories that I experienced with Ruby and her

brother, River. In a way it helped me transform the negative energy that built up over time and

expel that energy through lifting heavy weights. This is another important aspect of dealing with

grief. If it builds up over time with no kind of relief, it will eventually take over one’s life. That

negative energy needs to be harnessed and controlled to a point at which it can be used as a

positive element.

I thought this poem portrayed a very important aspect of life, which is in fact its

opposite: death. The concept of death is difficult to accept but it’s impossible to avoid throughout

life. One of the hardest realities to accept about death, is that it’s neither fair nor does it have a

uniform process. Death is completely and utterly random, and while it is possible to avoid certain

actions and situations that might lead to death, on a broader spectrum, death can’t be predicted.

In the end, it comes down to the balance of life itself. If there is too much of both, life will

eventually cease to exist. Even though death is a gut-wrenching process that ideally no one

should have to experience either personally or as a spectator, it’s still a process that people must

experience one way or another.

Cuadros captures the process of grief beautifully in his 5th installment of The Quilt

Series. Towards the end, Cuadros encapsulates the stages of grief the unfolds in a matter of 5

minutes. It was almost like a slideshow of events following John’s death. In poem 5, again where

he describes, “slowly hanging up the phone, his “blood becoming glass” and, “his hands

breaking his fall.” These are three steps of grief that can either be slowed down over a long

period of time, or in this case condensed within the span of 5 minutes. The narrator slowly

hanging up the phone signifies the initial realization of John’s death. At this point, he’s

beginning to absorb and accept/deny the fact that John is gone. Feeling his blood becoming glass
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signifies the build-up of grief and emotion that will eventually come to a point of release. His use

of imagery makes you envision his blood turning cold like ice which can be compared to glass

and that absence of heat rising up through his body. And then, finally the release. His hands

breaking his fall, knocking over the ceramic birds and slamming his head into the doorjamb.

These series of lines signify his release of grief, anger, confusion and frustration which are all

products of experiencing the loss of a loved one. Very similar to what I experienced with Ruby’s

death. These stages can be experienced at different lengths. In this case, this all took place within

5 minutes proven by the lines, “She said she was sorry, but John passed away at five minutes till

four” and, “4AM sharp and I began to howl.”

One of the things I value above most things is human kindness. Whether it be random

acts of kindness, or a love of one’s family and friends. Striving to make others happy brings me

unexplainable joy. Although most of these poems described the heartbreaking experience of

watching a loved one die, there is a section that had a happy, nostalgic tone. “In those minutes

I’d relived out first kiss, His arms around me, And the small ceremony Where we exchanged

rings And he gave me mine in a box, wrapped inside another.” These lines change the scene and

gives the poem a warm touch to it. If I were to take something away from these poems, it would

be to cherish the time you have with the people you love. Since ultimately, death can never be

predicted, all that can be done is cherish the life we share with others.

Works cited: Cuadros, Gil. City of God. San Francisco, CA, City of Lights, 1994