SA PULA, SA PUTI Kulas: Oh, well, you are my wife.
(Angrily) Who care for
Francisco "Soc" Rodrigo
CHARACTERS
Kulas, an out-and-out sabungero, or cockfighting addict
Celing, wife of Kulas
Sioning, friend of Celing
Castor, a middleman in the cockpit
Teban, an old manservant of Kulas and Celing
__________________
Kulas: Ahem! Er. . . nice morning, isn't it, Celing? How are
you?
Celing (dryly): Oh, fine. I feel very fine. Thanks for thinking
of me.
Kulas: Oh, come, Celing, that's not a nice way to say it.
Celing: Well, you certainly take a lot of interest in me these
days. Usually our first thought is for your fighting
cocks and your last one is for your wife.
Kulas: Come, come, Celing. You have first place in my
heart. I know to appreciate a wife like you.
Celing: Really? But when I see you fondle your cocks, I feel
envious, I am jealous.
Kulas: But Celing, you know that I only cherish my fighting
cocks for our own good.
Celing: What good are you talking about? If it's stewed
chicken you're after. I can get good, fat hens in the
market any time. We don't have to get a roster
killed in the cockpit and lose money in the process.
I can do the killing myself right here for nothing.
Kulas: Come now, Celing, I don't expect to lose all the
time. Look at this cock for example… why it is a
sure winner — its scales are perfect.
Celing: That's the same thing you said about that unbeatable
cock you bet ten pesos on last week. Did you like the
way I cooked it?
Kulas: Oh, but that was an accident. Everybody was betting
two to one and that cock would win. And anyway,
I'm getting more experience all the time. I know
how to choose cocks now. I assure you, Celing, if
only you'll lend ten pesos now, I'll get that money
back. Come here, Celing, I'll tell you a secret. Last
night I dreamt that I was being chased by a white
carabao— a white one.
Celing: What if it was white?
Kulas: Why, that means silver, and it was chasing me — that
means money is coming to me. I can't lose this time,
Celing. I assure you I can't lose.
Celing: Ha. Quite interesting.
Kulas: Look here, Celing, don't tell that dream to anybody.
You know that if you tell anybody else about your
dreams they never come true.
Celing: But you told me.
dreams anyway? I want some money, Celing. Do
you hear me? I want some money. This cock is a
sure winner. It can't lose.
Celing: But we have no more money now. There's no more
silver.
Kulas: Oh yes, we have. It's just put away. Give me five pesos
and we'll surely—double it. My dreams cannot fail.
Celing: But, Kulas, last month you dreamt about a snake that
coiled itself into a figure eight. The cockfight was on
the eight of February, and you said you were surely
going to win, but instead, you lost eight whole pesos!
Kulas: Well, I made a mistake in selecting the match I should
bet in. I should have bet in the eighth match.
Celing: And did you make a mistake, too, when you dreamt
about the red cat? You bet on the red rooster and lost
ten pesos. And now you talk about your white
carabaos.
Kulas: Oh, well . . . but this time I'm not banking on dreams
alone. I've studied the scales and the ears of this
cock. It's a sure winner, Celing. I tell you, we are
going to win this time.
Celing: Kulas, do you remember how sure you were two
Sundays ago about that other cock? And what
happened?
(Shouts are heard from the cockpit. Kulas becomes uneasy.)
Kulas: Come on Celing, just this once. If this cock loses, I
will never, never go to the cockpit again.
Celing: Really?
Kulas: Really and truly. Come on, hurry up! They have
already started the fights. Come on, I have a bet in
the next match. I will be disgraced if I don't show up.
(Celing shakes her head, realizing the futility of further
discussion. She takes five pesos from her pocket.)
Celing: Well, here, take this. After all, it's your money. I am
only being careful. Don't blame me if we land in
the poorhouse some day.
Kulas (taking the money): Don't worry, Celing. In a few
minutes the money will be doubled. You bet your
life. See you later. (On his way out Kulas almost
bumps Sioning, who enters, an empty basket on her
arm.)
Sioning: Hello, Kulas.
Kulas (in a hurry): Hello . . . er . . . eh, excuse me,
Sioning. I'm in a hurry. Er,er… There's Celing.
Celing! Here's Sioning, Well so long (Exits).
Sioning: What's the matter with your husband, Celing? He
acts as if his feet are on fire.
Celing: Worse than that, Sioning, our money is on fire — he is
going to the cockpit again.
Sioning: Celing, again! Is he really —
Celing: Just a moment, Sioning. (Shouts toward the kitchen)
Teban! Teban! Teban!
Teban (obedient but slow-witted, entering): Yes, ma'am?
What is it, ma’am?
Celing (taking five pesos from her pocket and giving it to
Teban): Here, Teban. Five pesos. You know what to
do.
Teban (Unsure). Uh . . . eh ... ?
Celing (exasperated at his stupidity; explaining as if to a
child): Your master is back in the cockpit. Quick,
make a bet with this. Hurry! You maybe too late!
Teban (as light dawns and Celing pushes him out): Yes,
ma'am. Yes,
Sioning: Betting five pesos! What's this, Celing? Are you
becoming a lighter?
Celing (surprised): My dear Sioning. I'm not a cockfighter,
but when- Kulas goes to the cockpit, I bet also.
Sioning: Ah . . . you are not a cockfighter, but you just bet
in the cockpit. Are you trying to kid me, Celing?
Celing: No, I'll explain it to you. But promise you won't tell
anyone.
Sioning: I promise. Don't worry.
Celing: You see, Sioning, I bet in the cockfights in order not
to lose.
Sioning: Oh . . . You bet in the cockfights in order not to
lose. Celing, you are making fun of me.
Celing. Of course not, Sioning. You know, we are losing a lot
of money on account of Kulas' gambling. I'm sure
some day we'll be eating just rice and salt. I tried
my best to keep him away from the cockpit but we
just quarrel about it. And in order to avoid quarrel
and to prevent our money from melting away
entirely, I thought of a plan. For the last month I
have always sent Teban to the cockpit to bet on the
side opposite Kulas.
Sioning (a little slow, too): Why?
Celing: Well, if Kulas' cock loses, I win and if I lose Kulas
wins. So, whatever happens, we don't lose any
money.
Sioning: Oh, I see. Why, yes, of course! Celing, you are clever.
(Shouts at the cockpit)
Celing. There they go. The match is on. Dear me, the
shouts make my head ache.
Sioning: Well, it is your fault . . . no one told you to
choose a near the cockpit.
Celing: Don't think I chose it. Kulas did the choosing. I
wanted a house near the church but Kulas wanted
one near the cockpit.
(Louder shouts from the cockpit.)
Sioning. Have you done your marketing yet? How about
coming along with me. Let's go.
(The shouts grow louder, and suddenly stop.)
Celing: Yes, Sioning — but wait a while - the match is over.
Let's wait for Teban. After all, the market is near
(looks out the window),Oh, here’s Teban. He's
actually running.
(Teban enters out of breath, with two five peso bills, and smiling
broadly). We won, we won, ma'am, we won! (Gives
Celing the money, which she pockets immediately.)
Celing. Very good, Teban. Now hurry back to the kitchen.
Mang Kulas might catch on. (Exit Teban)
Sioning. Well, let's go, Celing. (Celing gets her tapis from a chair,
puts its on, and picks up her basket. Kulas enters,
crestfallen.)
Celing. What now, Kulas? Didn't the white carabao catch up
with you?
Kulas (sore): Don't joke about that now. My, but what
rotten luck -Celing, imagine, my cock was winning
right up to the last minute. Yes, up to the last
seconds. It was a freak fight that only happens
once in a hundred times. I never saw anyone have
such bad luck as I do!
Celing. That's the trouble with gambling. Kulas — you
depend on nothing but luck.
Kulas. Cockfighting is really no good. Curse it! I don't want to
see even the shadow of the cockpit again. I give up
cockfighting. I tell you, never again. (The two
women steal amused glances at each other.) You
won't see me going over there anymore.
Celing. Here's hoping you mean that.
Kulas. I do. I promise you I will never gamble again,
Celing. Well, sit down and cool off. Sioning and I are going
to market. See you later, Kulas.
(Exit Celing and Sioning. Kulas lights a cigarette, takes a puff,
throw down on the floor and steps on it. He slumps
into a chair, downhearted Castor comes in. He is
another sabungero - a little older than Kulas.)
Castor, Kumusta ka, Kulas.
Kulas (gloomily): Kumusta.
Castor: What's the matter? Why do you wear a funeral parlor
on your face? Did your wife make adobo out of your
pet rooster?
Kulas. Oh, Castor. There's no one as neglected by luck
as I am. I'm through with cocks and the cockpit
for good.
Kulas: You bet on . . . the . . . other . . . But suppose your
cock wins?
Castor: My cock can never win. I see to that! I do some
tricks to make it lose.
Kulas: Come, come, Castor, stop kidding me. My head is
boiling hot. and I am in no mood for clowning.
Castor: Who's clowning? It's the truth. And if you were not
 my friend I would not tell you this precious secret.
Kulas. But, Castor, how can you make a rooster lose?
Castor. It's easy . . . But why should I tell you? You do not
appreciate what I am doing. You are even sore at me.
Kulas. Oh, come on, Castor. Don't be touchy. You only caught
me in a bad mood. Come on, be a good friend and tell
me, ha?
Castor, Do you really want to know?
Kulas. Sure, sure. Sige na.
Castor. Well, get one of your cocks and I'll show you.
Kulas. Any one of my cocks?
Castor. Sure. Any cock. It doesn't matter. (Kulas exits the
kitchen. Hi returns with a cock.)
Kulas (giving Castor the cock). Here, Castor, here's the cock.
Castor. Now get me a needle.
Kulas, A needle?
Castor. Yes, a needle. That thing that your wife uses for
sewing.
Kulas, Ah . . . yes . . . a needle . . . (Goes to Celing's sewing
box gets a needle.) Here's a needle.
Castor (holding the cock in his left hand and the needle in
his right Now come here and observe what I'll do.
Every cock has ligament in the leg. Once you prick
it, the leg will be weak. Look here (Castor pricks the
cock leg.) There. No one will notice what we did but
that leg is weak and now cock can no longer strike
with it.
Kulas. Then that cock won’t win any more. It surely is going
to lose.
Castor Naturally. Now all you have to do is to go to the
cockpit, arrange a match for that cock, and bet
secretly on the other side.
Kulas. Superb! That certainly is a wonderful trick!
Castor. See? The trouble with you is you don't use your
coconut. (Indicating the head.)
Kulas (troubled). But, Castor, Isn't that cheating?
Castor. Of course, it is cheating! But heavens, show me the
gambler who ever made money without cheating?
And besides that, you have already lost plenty of
money. You will use this trick just to get it back.
What is bad in that?
Kulas. You are right, Castor. I've really lost a great deal.
Castor. And do not suppose that when you lost, they did
not cheat you?
Kulas (thinking), Er ... uh .. . Why, I do suppose they did.
Castor. See? You will not be cheating, Kulas. You will just be
getting back at them.
Kulas. Sure enough. You are right.
Castor. Well, what are you waiting for? Let us go.
Kulas. Well. . . er. I'll have to wait for Celing, my wife.
Castor, Why, what for?
Kulas. Well . . . you see . . . she holds the purse strings in
this house.
Castor. Gosh, what a man, this Kulas. A slave to roosters and
pecked by a hen. Well, wait for her, but get plenty of
money, huh? - so we can make more.
Kulas. O.K.. . . er . .. Castor.
Castor. Yes?
Kulas. Er . . . Celing is probably on her way home now. You
see, I don't want her to see you here. She doesn't like
to see me with cockfighters you know. Don't take
offense, please , . , but I'd rather you'd run along
now.
Castor (laughs). Follow soon, ha? You’II have a match ready
as soon as you get there.
Kulas. O. K. I'll see you there.
Castor. See you later. Squeeze all you can from the wife, pal.
This cannot miss!
(Castor exits. Kulas smiles, fondles his cock and admires the
trick done on its leg. Sioning and Celing enter).
Celing (upon seeing the cock). Kulas, are you at it again? I
thought you had sworn off the cockpit.
Kulas. Celing, just this once. I am sure we can recover what
we lost.
Celing. My, my, this Kulas of mine, just like the price of
sugar: changes very minute.
Kulas. Celing, really and truly, just this once. If I lose now
you can butcher all my other cocks. I promise. I
swear!
Celing. Another promise to be broken. Kulas, I think you
should be a politician.
Kulas. Come now, Celing, quit joking. I am serious. Look . . .
here is Sioning. She is the witness to my pledge.
Sioning (winks at Celing). That is right, Celing. I am the
witness. You might as well give him what he asks for.
Go ahead.
Kulas. Sioning is right. Thank you, Sioning.
Celing. What is this, a conspiracy? 0. K. All right. But
remember, this is the last time.
Kulas. Swear, by all that's holy. Strike it on a rock.
Celing. Well, how much?
Kulas. Er .. . just twenty pesos.
Celing. Twenty pesos!
Stoning. Susmariosep!
Kulas. Yes, Celing. Twenty pesos, so that we will win back
our loses. (Celing hesitates.)
Celing. But -
Sioning. Go ahead, Celing. After all this is the last time. Sige
na!
Celing. All right. There is no use arguing, I guess. Here you
are. (She gives Kulas twenty pesos which she gets
from the trunk.)
Kulas (taking the money). Oh thank you, Celing. You
will not regret this. I’ll see you both later. (Kulas
exits hurriedly with his cock.)
Celing (follows Kulas with her eyes until he is far). Teban!
Teban!
Sioning. Teban, hurry, Teban! (Teban comes from the
kitchen.)
Teban, Yes, ma'am.
Celing. Take this money. Your master is in the cockpit again.
Sioning. Hurry, Teban. Bet that on the other side.
Teban (surprised at the amount of money). Twenty pesos!
This is twenty pesos, ma'am.
Celing. Yes, twenty pesos, go on, hurry!
Teban (not understanding). Shall I bet all of this, ma'am?
Sioning. Yes, all of it.
Teban. Yes, ma'am. Wow, this is big money! (Exit Teban.)
Celing. And now, Sioning, why did you ally yourself with
Kulas? (Imitating Sioning.} What was the idea of your
Sige na!
Sioning. Well . . . after all you are sure not to lose. So
there's no harm done.
Celing. You are right.. . but it is not only the money that I
am worried about.
Sioning. What else?
Celing. The other bad consequences of gambling. Sioning
dear, you. know all gambling leads to other evils. It
often leads to cheating, stealing . . and ... well.. .
women.
Sioning. But Kulas does not do those things . ..
Celing. Certainly, but shall we wait for the fire to start
before we prepare the water? (Shouts are heard from
the cockpit.)
Sioning. But Kulas promised this will be his last fight.
Celing. Indeed, he promised. But you may just as well
write that on water. (The shouts grow louder.)
Sioning. Well, the trouble with you is you don't have
enough courage like me. Let me tell you what I did
when Siso, that husband of mine could not be kept
away from "monte." I went to the club one day
and insulted him from head to foot. From that
moment on, Celing, he never showed up in the club
again.
Celing, But, do you remember how, after that, you had to
keep yourself in the house for a week, because you
had two black eyes?
Sioning. Of course, but that was only temporary. After
that, everything was all right again.
Celing. I don't think I can do that. I prefer to suffer things as
they are. ( The shouts suddenly subside.)
Sioning. The match must be over. I wonder who won.
Celing. We will know when Teban arrives. He rushes home
immediately Kulas won't see him.
Sioning. Celing, if I were you, I wouldn't trust Teban too
much with money.
Celing. Don't worry about Teban. He can be trusted.
Sioning, Maybe you are right, but you know how people
can succumb to temptation.
Celing. Don't worry . . . (Teban comes in.)
Teban (downhearted). We lost, ma'am.
Celing. Oh, we lost? Well . . . but never mind. After all,
Kulas won. Teban, better go back to the kitchen
before your master returns. (Exit )
Sioning. You really have a clever way of not losing, Celing.
Celing (sadly). Of course.
Sioning. Why are you so sad, Celing?
Celing. Because Kulas won.
Sioning. And what if he did? Whether he wins or you win,
you lose no money. So, what's the difference?"
Celing. Plenty. You see, now that Kulas has won. he will
stick to the cockpit more than ever. (Kulas comes in,
sad.)
Kulas. This is really the end. Nothing can change my bad
luck. They will never see me in the cockpit again.
Celing. What?
Sioning. What did you say?
Kulas. Why did I ever listen to that sneaking Castor?
Celing. But, Kulas, didn't you win?
Kulas. No, I lost again. And the twenty pesos are all gone.
Celing (suspiciously). Kulas, don't fool me. I know that you
won.
Kulas. Who told you that I won? Oh, curses on that Castor.
Celing. Kulas, I will not fall for any acting. Give me your
winnings.
Kulas. Good Lord! There aren't any. Nothing is left. All gone.
Celing (more suspicious). Wait, this is getting to be
suspicious. Aha . . . Maybe you have a Kulasisi . . .
and you gave the money to her!
Kulas. Oh Celing, what crazy things are you talking
about? I lost! There can be no two ways about it.
Whoever gave you the idea that I won?
Celing. Teban said so. He came from the cockpit.
Kulas. Teban . . . ?
Sioning. (getting an idea). Aba . . . Wait, Celing. I have a hunch
Teban pocketed the money . . . just as I thought
would happen.
Kulas. Ha? What money .
Celing. Hey .. . maybe you are right, Sioning.
Sioning. I told you not to be too trusting. (Celing goes to the
kitchen door.)
Kulas. Hey . .. what's all this.
Celing. Teban! Teban! (Teban enters.)
Teban. Yes, ma'am.
Celing. Teban, give me back the money.
Teban. What money, ma'am.
Kulas. Yes, what money?
Celing. The twenty pesos you took to the cockpit a while ago.
Teban. But we lost ma'am. Money . . . no more.
Celing. Liar! What do you mean we lost? If you lost, Kulas
must have won. But Kulas lost, so you must have
won.
Teban (not understanding). Eh? What's that, ma'am? If I
lost... he ...
Kulas. What! What! This is becoming very complicated.
Teban, were you in the cockpit a while ago?
Teban. Yes, sir.
Kulas. What did you do there?
Teban. I bet, sir,
Kulas. Ah, you bet! Where did you steal the money?
Teban. From Aling Celing, sir.
Kulas. What? You stole from Aling Celing?
Teban. Er .. . no sir, Aling Celing ordered me to bet, sir.
Kulas (to Celing), Ah! So you are preventing me from
cockfighting but you are betting secretly yourself,
eh?
Sioning. No, Kulas. Celing just bet on your cock's opponent.
Kulas (to Celing). Ah, and you even go against me, eh?
Celing. Don't get mad, Kulas. I just bet on the other cock so
that even if you lose, we won't lose anything.
Sioning. Yes, Kulas. It is a wonderful idea. You bet on
your cock. Celing bets on the other cock, If you
lose, Celing wins, and if Celing wins, you lose.
Simple, isn't it?
Kulas. You mean, even if my cock wins, we really don't win
anything?
Sioning. Of course, and vice versa. Very clever.
Kulas. So I have been wasting gargled water and smoke and a
lot of fondling on my cocks. I was like a fool who —
Celing. Wait a minute. Let's find out first what happened to
our twenty pesos. Teban, where did you put the
money?
Teban. Well, er .. .
Kulas. Wait a minute, Celing. Teban really lost.
Celing. And your cock won?
Kulas. Yes.
Celing. Then give me the money!
Kulas. No, Celing. Because I lost, too.
Celing. You won, but you lost?
Kulas. Yes. You see I also bet on the other cock.
Sioning. Dear me, what a confusing mess!
Celing (to Kulas). You bet on your opponent?
Kulas. Yes, You see, I lamed my cock so it had no chance to
win. Then I bet on the other rooster. But the
moment I put down my cock the other cock turned
about face and ran away! So my cock won by default
and I — well, lost.
Celing. Ah, so you wanted to cheat, eh? Well, you certainly
hit your own head with a stone. .. (She laughs).
Kulas. Hey . . . What's so funny?
Sioning. Really, Celing, why are you laughing?
Celing. Because I am very happy. Er . .. Sioning, I invite you
to eat with us tonight. And invite Aling Kikay and
our other friends. I am going to give you all a
blowout.
Celing. Sure! Teban, prepare our pots, and borrow Ate Nena's
casserole.
Teban. Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. (Exits to kitchen.)
Kulas. But how are we going to give a blowout? We lost
more than forty pesos today?
Celing. Never mind. I want to celebrate your last farewell to
the cockpit.
Kulas. Last farewell?
Celing. Yes, because you promised me and I have a witness
(indicating Sioning), and besides, we don't need to
buy any meat.
Kulas. Why?
Celing. You still have six fighting cocks in the coop. Three will
be made into adobo and the other three will be cooked
in broth, (Sioning and Celing laugh. Kulas does not
catch on until a little later. Shouts begin in the cock-
pit.)
Kulas. Adobo .. . (Starts with a mirthless laugh) He . . . he! ha
. . . ha.. he! (Laughter becomes sincere. He approaches
Celing with a look of approval.
Curtain