CAREER LIFE CONNECTIONS

Name:

You Have a Choice

COMPLETED EQUALITY – NON VIOLENCE

NON-THREATENING BEHAVIOR:
Talking and acting so that they feel safe and comfortable expressing
themselves and doing things.

RESPECT:
Listening to them non-judgementally being emotionally affirming and
understadning valuing opinons.

TRUST AND SUPPORT:

Supporting their goals in life, respecting their right to their own feelings,
friends, activities and opinions.

HONESTY AND ACCOUNTABILITY:

Accepting responsibility for self, acknowledging past use of violence,
admitting being wrong, communicating openly and truthfully.

NON-DEGRADING BEHAVIOR:
Behavior free of sexual jokes and sexual harrassment.

SHARED RESPONSIBILITY:
Making decisions together and mutually agreeing on a fair distrubution of work.

ECONOMIC PARTNERSHIP:
Making money decisions together making sure both partners benefit from
financial agreements.

NEGOTIATION AND FAIRNESS:

Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict.
Accepting change.
Being willing to compromise.

To Avoid Abuse…
 Be assertive/confident. Walk and act confidently, even if you don’t actually feel
this way. Say what you mean.
 Trust your instincts. Act immediately when you feel you are in danger. Get away
from the dangerous situation as quickly as possible. Don’t be afraid to ask for
help.
 Determine your feelings about sex and sexual limits. You may have different
limits at different times with different people, but you should know what you want
or don’t want, before you are in a risk situation.
 Communicate those limits. Saying yes to one form of sexual activity does not
mean you can’t say NO to another. This must be talked about because body
language is confusing and mind reading is impossible.
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 Be aware that your level of drug or alcohol consumption will influence your ability
to make good decisions.
 Socialize with people who share your values.
 Abuse thrives in silence. Share your problem with a friend or ask for help from
someone you trust who has the skills to help you. You are not to blame for
someone else’s behavior. You are only responsible for your own behavior.

If You Are the Abusive person…

 You are not alone. Many people have a problem with violence, learned from
childhood or supported from society. You can learn less dangerous and hurtful
ways to express your anger.
 It is a sign of strength and courage to ask for help.
 Your violence will increase if you do not take steps to stop it. You may destroy
your relationship or seriously hurt someone you care about.
 Your feelings of insecurity will only get worse if you continue to act violently.
 Blaming your problem on drugs, alcohol, or stress is an excuse.
 Apologizing after the abuse will not stop the problem.
 Physical violence and threats of violence are crimes/criminal harassment.
 Do not make assumptions about sexual activity. NO means NO whenever it is
said.
 You are responsible for your own behavior. No one makes you act in a violent
way. You have a choice.

Why Abusers Use Violence

1. Social Tolerance: Until our community takes action to show that it will not tolerate
violence, there is no incentive for abusers to stop the violence and every incentive
to continue to seek power and control by violent means.
2. Modelling: As long as those raising children and acting as role models continue
to succeed in getting their own desires by using abuse and violence, children and
youth will learn that abuse and violence are effective ways to achieve success.

3. Cultural Values: In some cultures the acceptance of male dominance and the use
of violence to maintain it is higher than in others. Where traditional role models are
rigid, ideas about masculinity and femininity often encourage violence in
relationships, particularly when cultures clash.

4. Denial: Throughout most of history there has been a total denial about the
injustice, pain, and misery caused by interpersonal violence. Individuals minimize
and deny the impact of violence in their lives in order to meet the expectations of
a community that tolerates and sometimes rewards interpersonal violence.

5. Externalizes Blame: Many abusers blame their victims for their own violence: “If
only you hadn’t done this,” “If only you had said that,” “If only you had known when
to do what you were told,” “If only you loved me enough,” – these are
representative statements by which abusers shift the blame to the victim. “If only
they hadn’t been drinking,” “If only he hadn’t lost his job,” “If only she had been
able to win that contest,” – these are representative statements of how the
community externalizes the blame for violence.
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6. Insecurity: Abusers often try to displace their feelings of insecurity through

dominating or controlling another. Unfortunately, this behavior often causes the
victim to withdraw emotionally, fueling the sense of insecurity even more.

If you experience any power or control please assistant from a professional.

CYCLE OF VIOLENCE
1. The Acute Battering Event – May last a few minutes to several days.
2. The Immediate Aftermath – Abusers is frequently quiet and calm; feels relief
from tension. Victim often dazed and immobilized with shock or fear
3. The Honeymoon – Victim enjoys abuser’s attention and remorse; s/he feels
quite powerful, flattered by the abuser’s attempts to win her/him back.
4. The Tension Builds – Victim feels increasingly powerless, fearful and hopeless
as s/he does everything s/he can to avert a violent incident.
5. The Precipitating Event – Abuser blames victim for provoking abuse as an
excuse for the violence, the victim blames self for not preventing abuse
6. Cycle Repeats

POWER AND CONTROL

Harrassment:
Following repeated and persistent phone calls
Leaving messages with others
Spreading rumors
Uninvited visits
Intimidation:
Reckless driving
Looks and gestures
Wrecking personal property
Shouting
Threatening to reveal personal information
Violation of Boundaries:
Forcing unwanted sexual touching
Reading personal notes
Taking personal items without permission
Searching locker or backpack
Threats:
Threatens to harm family, friends or pets
Threatening suicide
Destroying pictures, clothing, or other personal property
Threatening to end the relationship
Threatening to abandon in a public place
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Using Gender Privilege:

Enforcing role stereotypes
Insisting on being the boss
Expecting partner to seek permission for decisions
Guilt tripping

Limiting Independence:
Dictating choice of clothing, hair style, music, movies, activities
Controlling money
Controlling birth control
Insisting on use of alcohol, drugs, tobacco
Limits on contact with friends

Degradation and Humiliation:

Name calling
Put downs
Public displays of possession
Making fun of family or friends
Flirting with others when supposedly commited
Isolation:
Pressuring to choose between partner and family or friends
Pressuring to quit job or extracurricular activities
Pressuring to change choice of or not to attend school