Methods of Achieving Enlightenment

Enlightenment, as I’ve said elsewhere, is not an exclusive club with a high price of admission.
It is not a special place where you can only go after passing certain entrance exams. It is not a
predictable, homogeneous state only achievable by following a certain recipe. Anyone who tells
you otherwise is not enlightened.
There are many flavours to enlightenment, and they are, in some cases, wildly different from
each other. That said, there are certain things that they all share:
1. A commitment to peace.
2. A respect for all creatures.
3. A desire and willingness to promote the positive evolution of humanity.
4. A respect for the Arts and Sciences.
5. A desire to share the fruits and methods of enlightenment, without imposing them.
6. An opposition to coercion by violent means, except when lives are threatened, and only
with adequate debate even then.
7. A positive relationship with vegetables.
8. A sense of humour.
9. A willingness to be happy, even if you aren’t.
10. A willingness to place the welfare of humanity before the dictates of money, politics,
religion or race.
11. A respect for human rights: liberty, equality, democracy and the necessities of life.
12. A constant desire to be the best you that you can ever be.
13. An understanding that no one can be at his/her/its/their best all the time, and a
willingness to allow humans to be humans.
14. A knowledge that you are not perfect, and your right to sit in judgement is therefore
limited.
15. A willingness to be wrong, and to be open to the views of others.
16. A desire for inner peace, contentment and freedom from internal conflict.
It must be stated here that the Chief Rabbi did not compose the above list in a dream delivered
by God, but wrote it out on his trusty computer while sitting naked on his bed. He is perfectly
able to accept the validity and value of point 15, but you should put the word nospam in the
subject line of your critical email so it doesn’t end up in the junk bin beside the penis-extending
pills advertisements. Also, he just put in point 8 because he likes it, and this is his book, and
there’s nothing you can do about it now.
Actually, point 7 is not really that important, unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case you
probably think you’re better than the rest of us, in which case you are ignoring points 13 and 14,
in which case you are not enlightened, so there, eat that with barbecue sauce, benighted soul.

It doesn’t matter how you come to the point of achieving the above. What matters is that you
get there. You don’t need to believe that the world is an illusion, or that you will be reincarnated
or go to heaven. You don’t need to vote for a particular party. You don’t need to follow a set of
rules or guidelines. You don’t need to take drugs, or fast, or stand on your head. You just need
to choose to believe the above. If you choose to believe it, you will magically find that
eventually you really do believe it, after your mind has had time to iron out the lumps and
creases. You can choose to believe that you can choose to believe.
 It has often been argued that point 16 is the true key to the above, and that everything else is
just part of the workings of a world we should ignore. This is not true enlightenment – it is only
a way-station on the path. Learning to transcend the world’s difficulties and problems is a good
step to take, but it is not the last step. To be truly enlightened, you must experience compassion,
which by definition means engagement with the body of living creatures that share your world.
Don’t fall for the propaganda that says that half an enlightenment is enlightenment. After
transcendence comes renewed commitment. So what if the world is an illusion? People in my
illusion are hungry, and my soul yearns to feed them. I could go to a great deal of effort to forget
about them and their needs, or I can share my food with them, be less fat (does my ass look big
in these jeans?) and watch them achieve enlightenment through compassion as well. The former
requires all sorts of mental acrobatics. The latter simply requires that we listen to our hearts.

The way that can be named is not the way. This is because following rules, rather than logic
and intuition, only leads partway along the way. You can get to the point of transcendence in
many ways. At that point, the path is no longer marked, and you must penetrate the veils using
the power of the mind in the brain in your body. The way you discover will most likely be
fraught with perils and obstructions, but remembering that you are a transcendent creature will
give you strength and direction. Also wearing good shoes is recommended.
And now, a discussion of the various means of achieving that point of transcendence.

Religion

It is difficult to rise above the struggles of humanity when you are deeply engaged with one of
the most divisive aspects of it. Religion is the name we give to the collection of advice and rules
that we apply to spiritual advancement. Almost all of these rules are wrong. A belief that all
humans should share your religion in order to achieve the next life is wronger. A belief that your
religion can be imposed on others in order to save them is wrongest. Various religions adopt
these wrongisms in different ways, and it is necessary to forgive them to some degree for being
limited in their humanity, but it is necessary to resist their insane desire to impose their values on
the rest of us. Christianity and Islam are the two worst offenders in this regard, but there has
been violence perpetrated in the name of almost every religion on the face of the earth. There is
a lingering desire in all of them to believe that they alone are enlightened.
This is not to say that there aren’t enlightened Christians and Muslims. There are literally
hundreds of millions. Unfortunately, they are not in the majority, and therefore we have wars
and dissension. It is possible to be a devout Christian and believe firmly in world peace. It is
even, in the modern age, likely. It is not possible, however, to believe that everyone else is
equally blessed, unless you also transcend the worst aspects of your religion while keeping the
best, referring once again to compassion, charity and acceptance of differences. Educated
members of any religion are more likely to be transcendent creatures than uneducated. It is
possible to love all humanity as Jesus would, but if you believe that most of them are going to
hell, you are definitely not enlightened. The Chief Rabbi is NOT going to hell. Nor is he going
to heaven, but that’s another discussion altogether.
It is interesting that the advanced adherents of every religion echo the same points as are listed
above. This proves that while religion can only get you to the point of transcendence, it is a
valid path. It just isn’t a very good one for most people, as it preaches only half the truth at best.
A good religion preaches Fun.
 Politics

The problem with politics is that every politician and his/her/its/their adherents claims to act
solely in the interest of their constituents, while subscribing to a package of beliefs, rather than a
method of solving problems. A conservative must believe in the package of conservatism, a
socialist must believe in the package of socialism. A centrist must believe in whatever will win
an election.
In many places, they don’t even have the partial enlightenment of democracy and equality.
Those are truly benighted places, and there is no way around it. Democracy and equality must
be the absolutes of any enlightened system. Sometimes it is necessary to have armies around to
defend these things, which is sad, but justifiable. There are always people who wish, in the name
of ideologies of religion or politics to impose racialism, sexism, homophobia, religionism or any
of the other embarrassments of humanity. We set aside these places for another discussion.
A good political philosophy does not encompass too much. To wit: the government should be
that sector of the populace which is entrusted with the defence of human rights and the equitable
distribution of goods and services. That’s it. A good government promotes the ideals of
equality, liberty and compassion above all else. It safeguards the health of all its citizenry,
regardless of wealth or status. It is the sole repository of force. All else is a perversion.
The Chief Rabbi and Grand Wazoo knows that this is a long journey, and that we are still in
the infancy of democracy. We will not change anything overnight. That’s because of our overly
adversarial political system. Our politicians belong to teams, rather than to beliefs, and they put
as much energy into “winning” as they do into law. They care more about triumphing over their
opponents than they do about solving problems. Only a few are elected because they truly care
about people. Most of them care more about imposing beliefs than about examining them. For
this reason, politics is not always a reliable route towards transcendence.
Like religion, there are plenty of good politicians and involved citizens, who believe in Fun for
all. Sadly, they are swamped in the tide of benighted individuals for whom human rights take a
back seat to traditions or “family values,” both of which are not to be trusted. Family values is
what my family reflects. Your family’s values are socialist, or liberal, or left-wing. Oddly, it is
always the least progressive families whose values are propagandized with the most fervour.
Traditional values are always touted as the answer to society’s problems, in spite of the fact that
those traditional values included constant and various attacks on the rights of the individual to
live in freedom as an honoured citizen. Tradition and family values, sadly, include sexism and
homophobia.
Therefore, says the Chief Rabbi, be involved in democracy without being a slave to it.
Constantly promote compassion and human rights, while refusing tradition as the source of
goodness. Always think of the future, taking lessons from the past. Living in the political
present is dangerous: it leads to party-politics instead of people-politics. It’s ok to be a
conservative or a socialist or a centrist, as long as compassion and charity are the guiding lights
of your beliefs.
A good political system promotes Fun.

Hermitism
 This is the name the Grand Wazoo gives to the practices of placing oneself outside the body of
humanity in order to do the personal research that leads to enlightenment. It comes in a lot of
guises, but it is, at its worst characterized by a rejection of societal interaction, or even more, any
form of interaction. It places the self above all else. At its best, it clears the fog of quotidian
mind-enslavement that obstructs the path to inner peace.
This is often a better path than religion or politics. It allows a dispassionate view of such
things to develop over time, and places the individual at the centre of human consciousness.
That’s a good thing, and a form of transcendence that is sometimes a key to the achieving of
enlightenment. It is a good thing if you live in poor circumstances, in which every door is closed
to you. It is, however, like religion or politics: it can only take you so far.
It may, considering the circumstances of your life, be as far as you are able to go. Sometimes
total engagement in the body politic is impossible, given repression and threats of violence. We
must feel great compassion for these individuals, and do what we can to further their cause.
Most of the readers of the Book of Fun, however, have options. If they engage in hermitism, it
is out of choice, and not out of necessity. That does not invalidate it as a path. As we have seen
so often, transcendence is a necessary step on the path to enlightenment. Again, it must be
stressed that it is only a step, a passage through a gateway, and the true fruits of enlightenment
remain a horizon away when you make the step.
Hermitism that does not lead to Fun is rejectionism. The monks of the Middles Ages would
often isolate themselves from humanity in general, spending their lives in meditation. That’s
great compared to committing violence in the name of your beliefs, but it does the rest of us no
real good whatsoever. It is also mind-numbingly boring. Compassion means interaction.
We engage in many modern forms of hermitism in our lives. Watching excessive amounts of
TV is hermitism. Using excessive amounts of drugs is hermitism. Praying too much is
hermitism. Hiding in an academic ivory tower is hermitism. Despising the practitioners of the
preceding is hermitism. Anything which serves to separate you from the body of humanity is
hermitism and should be questioned: not necessarily rejected, but examined carefully.
Hate is hermitism. Psychopathy is hermitism. These forms of hermitism should be stamped
out like a brush fire. Psychopaths you can’t do anything about, except eliminate them from the
future gene pool of humanity. Hate you can combat with love.
Hermetism should not become rejectionism. Clarity and stillness should allow you to see
things as they really are, not close your eyes to them.
Any good form of hermitism ultimately leads to Fun.

Arts and Sciences

This is one of the best paths to enlightenment, when followed assiduously. It isn’t a simple or
straight path, and there are many dead ends, but a lifetime spent in the pursuit of truth or beauty
is a lifetime of Fun. Where the path of religion or politics may reach the goal of transcendence a
tiny fraction of the time, the proportion of success to failure in the arts and sciences is much
higher. Someone who wishes to beautify the world, or teach it truth, is more likely to have a
respect for the idea of universality and its correlations.
This is not an absolute fact, of course. For every transcendent scientist, there are others who
obsess over fame or fortune, and to whom research is only a path to glory and riches. It’s just
less likely. There are many fewer false scientists than there are false prophets of religion, or
false leaders in politics. There are many scientists out there who are willing to forego Karma
Bucks for the blandishments of drug companies or weapons manufacturers, but there are
probably just as many who sacrifice the possibilities of wealth for the common good. Scientists
and the practitioners of the related professions of technology and medicine are more likely to be
used to thinking logically, and therefore more likely to apply logic to solving the problems of the
world. Their pursuit of truth gives them a greater respect for poetic truth as well, in many cases.
Art is the pursuit of poetic truth. It may come in the form of pictures of fairies dancing on the
lawns of someone’s mind, or it may come in portraits of the violence that plagues us. There is,
of course, plenty of bad art out there, which has little or no message or raison d’être, and
therefore neither educates nor informs. This is boring, and is to be used mainly to decorate
bathrooms in service stations. Generally speaking, however, most artists wish to teach
something to their witnesses, or at least to beautify their lives. The best artists are those who can
do both simultaneously; a great challenge indeed. A lifetime of such pursuit not only brings
peace to most of its pursuers, but prepares the mind for transcendence as well. Sadly, there are
those artists who discover a schtick, which they repeat long after its capacity to educate is gone,
and/or whose beauty is diluted with repetition. We ignore them, for the most part, which is the
most cruel fate for an artist, the ultimate desire of whom is transcendent communication.
Art and science are like two halves of the human cortex, the highest brain we have. They both
can activate the whole mind, one of the normal prerequisites of enlightenment. To really achieve
what you are capable of, it is necessary to have your whole brain functioning. Good art and good
science are some of the best exercises for this purpose.
It should be noted that such pursuits as law and philosophy lie in the zone between art and
science, and are therefore of equal value. It would be rude to leave them out.
Having both sides of your brain working is Fun. Good art, science or philosophy is Fun.

Meditation

This is one of the surest paths to enlightenment, but also has one of the greatest pitfalls.
Clearing or focusing the mind is an exercise that all should be taught from a young age. Stress
and pain are alleviated by it to some degree, and the added security of calm would go a long way
to alleviating the suffering of all mankind. The problem with meditation is that sometimes the
tail wags the dog.
The Chief Rabbi engages in a form of meditation almost every day, for an average of two or
more hours: the pursuit of his art, while listening to music. This focuses and clarifies his
thoughts, while maintaining and strengthening his connection to the reality of the human and
planetary conditions. This meditation is, after loving his loved ones, the most treasured aspect of
his life (unless you are reading this after he is dead, in which case please change the present to
the past tense and get on with it already).
Meditation isn’t necessarily easy to learn. There are many schools of meditation, often
associated with the more enlightened forms of religion, and there is much advice available. In
truth, of course, each practitioner of the art will have a uniquely cultivated methodology. There
are clearing meditations, in which the meditater attempts to achieve a state of purity of thought,
untroubled by conflict: a tabula rasa as it were. They may teach focus on a task, or use of a
mantra, or one of a thousand various techniques. But that is what they are: techniques. When
the technique becomes more important than the object – attainment of the gateway called
transcendence and the discovery of what is on the other side – the tail is wagging the dog.
Meditation should lead somewhere. If it goes to transcendence and stops, it is of no use to the
world, and is therefore an inferior pursuit. Once again, transcendence is a waystation, not the
end of your travels. After transcendence comes conscious engagement.
One thing is sure: meditation tames the wildness of the mind. By reducing the confusion of
the world through organized observation, it allows a more effective form of engagement. It’s
like the difference between studying at a rock concert or in a quiet room. Unless you are
studying the ability to study in rock concerts, you are more likely to learn what you have to in a
quiet world.
Manual labour and exercise are particularly important and effective forms of meditation. You
have to keep the body fit in order to be useful to the world, and the body rewards exercise and
labour with the chemicals of happiness. Labour is not always fun, but doing it meditatively has
the effect of satisfying the lower echelons of your consciousness. Doing nothing but exercise, of
course, is an exercise of the ego at the expense of the world, and doing nothing but labour is
often slavery. There is a reasonable level for each.
The Chief Rabbi and Grand Wazoo gives no instruction in the art of meditating. That is a job
for professionals. Suffice it to say that his work and art are his forms, and they are fun. Good
meditation leads to Fun.

Plain Old Doing Stuff

As has been spoken so frequently, there are as many paths to perfection as there are humans on
the earth. Some of you will achieve enlightenment through skateboarding. Some of you will
achieve it through making organic peanut butter. The key is not what, but how. To do anything
fully consciously is to be open to the lessons to be learned from it. There are doubtless great
truths to be learned from skateboarding: individualism, dedication and transcendence of physical
pain spring to mind. If these things start one on the Way which cannot be named, they are
worthwhile. Some of these pursuits, naturally, will never lead to enlightenment. There is no
enlightenment in violence for its own sake, or vandalism, or sexual conquest. There may be an
illusion of enlightenment therein, but we all know someone who is happily deluded.
Doing anything well is its own reward in many cases. It is possible to be a transcendent
janitor, an enlightened bartender or a worldly junk dealer. Forcing people to do these things for
a living, on the other hand, inhibits their ability to transcend. The first step to using plain old
doing stuff as a path to transcendence and enlightenment is doing it because you want to. If you
have to do it, learn to want it. There may be no other way for you. We are all slaves to the need
for shelter, food and water.

The Chief Rabbi wishes to remind you that no one can be perfect all the time, including you.
The path to perfection is characterized by two-steps-forward-one-step-back. Illness, lack of
time, loss or violence can all ruin a good transcendent effort. Yet it is also true that once through
the Gateway of Wonders, you can pass through again with less effort, and find again the path
that you once took, or create a new one that will take you further. In time, the Gateway will
become familiar artefact, and you will feel a sense of normalcy there. This is the place the Grand
Wazoo has come to see relatively clearly. Transcendence is NOT the same as enlightenment, but
it is the single greatest step a human can take. The Grand Wazoo is human.