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seve Din ofthe Residential Programm atthe Eslen to Fe calla: She now uavls extensively throug BUSS! Sore ad the word at a workshop leno est ‘Frsearffamis therapy and growth mode cones Srocesao Reapancs Aan Grinds J St (179), Ching wi 1 Pals Ahn Cal Scene and Behavior Books aad sou WS, Pg Po A Cal Seicce and Beha ina —SSeni, J, & Tacha, T. (979), ing Fann “ing Fab Ab Ca Se nd Rav Baka 9 SELF-ESTEEM, MATE SELECTION, AND DIFFERENT-NESS* VIRGINIA SATIR Low Seu Berens xo Mare Seuscron (1) A person with low selfctecn as a great sense of anaiety ‘and uncertainty about himself. ‘= His eclfestcrn is based to an extreme extent on what be ‘thinks others think of him, a 1. His dependence on shers for his selfesteem cripples his ‘autonomy and individvaiy. 6 He disguises his low selFesteem from other, epeilly when Be Wants to impeess others. Fee. 4. His low sefestem comes om his asin pene ‘which never ed mf el hat ts good be 8 Pea ‘ne ser in ration tom person ofthe hers © Metis never relly eon pres a rived ata eatoaship of equity wi (2) A person with low seFesteem bas high haps about what be Repro by perminion of te air he putes oOo ‘Fay Thy, Reve tin, by. Se. PA Canis ‘Sense and Behavior Boks Ine, 17 a lagh hye foe Plan a piot on trom exer, but he also as great Fears; hes only top 2 faapoininen and to distr people nu a Jo enter therapy, the therapist wil ry to Mie Man hey hoped fr and fas from each her in (heen gaucsip period because Seca acedent tht they selected one another as tha here mas something they saw ig each her hich pe oe tei high hopes Cone AA OW arenas aso snething they sa i each other (ba di ier pormt themselves to openly acknowledge) orhich wir ene te cortaboysie tha foas or distrust. The thera pnw ind ten( ducing feared, expected behavior In ihe eer an MY Were trying to get the uncertainty rer wth (as they were eying to fll theirsa ph gen roo pl ar mara elainhip wil in may raps, pt Caco Gamera pone the ainsi wich tach entng betwen his oan gare (tae ry an Jor cach sa a Be ped for nthe ‘ther because each was behaving at the level of his defenses rather @ ‘fina te eel hs ong lings eee 7 Sate scone and Stongon the ouside but csi, ipo and ighenel en the inside. Whe Mar lt at Jo she cold ay “Here strong pon pH oean ate cate ome cp? |b Maryacedsconien, using alate on the use | toatencoain hee, ghee onthe side. When Iie ke t May ec ye stang perton socom ae care ome Meru, each nd the ther was not the rong pe ‘snk whe hoped. Prat aappeinen, {0 Ox igh wonder how May an Joe managed t nd 9 ey had ach ow ieee sae at SKLE-ESTEEM, MATE SELECTION AND DHFFERENT-NESS 239 (nee puberty bron sl snaty 1 he ie, thy ia Rooship pe fal i ar ts they weet lve ih fr ie enhanced thi ‘tc and tale ech el como Bach You SemuovabemeTambelytotiweyou etme yeu Sinden tameonpie oes mand” Ei ¢. Bo todd up ving ir nh ee nn Sogo ew “ro tered into a “survival pact.” Each said privately wo himeelt. 3/4, Sfironoueftppien ile foyer, You vite 72 nog nan emergency, seve bth (9) Thera wan when hong hea mae ht Mary and Joe didnot communicate thei fears t each ober 1a Joe fared that Mary would not love him if she knew about his wortlessnese (and vice ver). was asi Jo said privately to himself" must not reveal that Tam nothing, Noe must Trevea the fact that Tse tretly expect all women to be unfi, rational, sarcastic, Stubborn, domineering. I must not evel my belie hat the only way to survive with a wornan sto withdraw from the acene and let her run the show.” le was as if Mary sid privately ere" must nt eal that {am ating, Nort Creve tht Tart ‘apes all men to be sing, reponse, indcne a ‘th ‘not reveal tweak, and let women carry the burden. Tm ‘ny belie thatthe ony way to survive wih aman so be Tail to shoulder the burden the minate be complains. Yer in spite of what cach privately expected from the oter and thought of himself each also et he must be what be thought the other saw in him because he had pot eo i change of his selEeneem. “When Mary le Joe know that she sw ha ton Jo at fst saw Mary’ peteeptin a trentbening, he cul feel strong because se sav him as strong (and vice se it ff me bell ~ anoint STR This Kin of relationship can be maintained until an en- |{) smmmenl stor decision-making requirement “Saicness Mary and Joe's ability t cope. Only then does Srench begin to look like a cover-up for weakness, or ike Geman Nesher Mary nor Jor can ask what the other expects, hopes for fears, because both fel they are supposed to be able to {gece about what is going on inside the other's skin. (In ‘Sher words, iis aif both lve by a exystal bal.) 4. Since cach operates from the that he must please ‘Sree, Suber em can comisniate when be ts ‘teeta from cach other. They live as though they were (cor see Boeceream, om the same survival pipeline. For ‘comple, once had a marital pair who sat at the therapy ‘able ceghos dhe rt ro seasons with their arms inte wine whe thei cad. expericncing the tragedy of ital 2 aoe om them halocinating. (60 Ts ccc. Mary and Joe married 00"5et7” 2 Each wae che ches cacem of hin. (Both abso wanted secs cacem of them: “One should get macricd. I have mew sede) 1 Each weed he ochers qualities which he fle he Hacked! \cpesimcs wach ke eid to make part of himee). © Each waned a cca of hima. 4 Each amet am cmmmiponcat, omeincicat, ies, “OF Pave the ber, and wanted to avoad the ommnisicmt, epee tat pace Derren -neas ane Deincanznrs 87 Whee Mary and Jor mori they did ox reli that “Se * HS Ne ha ang 1 ge i ' | ! ws a | % | | | | Pee, they ace ach other in a new Beht. SELY-ESTEEM, MATE SELECTION, AND DIFFERENT XESS 241 by Bach felt he should not be expected to give because the other ‘was an extension of the sl

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