Things I’d Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord

By
Aaron McDonald

An Anonymous List Found Online

 FADE IN:
SUPER: Things I’d Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord.

EXT. THE MALEVORA KINGDOM - DAY

SOUNDTRACK: melodious classical music.
Rolling GREEN hills, LUSH forests, and STILL lakes are
BEAUTIFULLY set against the backdrop of a huge MAJESTIC
fortress.
The COLORFUL sunrise behind the fortress is GORGEOUS too.
Small animals are CHEERFUL, a soft wind blows over the
MEADOWS, and birds are SOARING into the PERFECT blue sky.

SUDDENLY an ARROW flies into a small rodent. (music stops)

The rodent SQUEALS in agony as a male archer called
STEPHAN,28, moves in to collect his prey.

CUT TO BLACK
SUPER: #1 Visors and Ventilation Ducts.

EXT. THE MALEVORA KINGDOM, MEADOW - DAY

Stephan, lithe man with shoulder-length dirty blond hair, is

ROASTING his rodent over a fire in the middle of the day.
He INHALES the scent of the cooked animal and SMILES before
rubbing his hands together with ANTICIPATION.

Stephan hears someone step on some twigs in the woods and

turns, drawing his DAGGER.
STEPHAN
Who creeps about there in the
woods, which are about twenty
meters from my current position in
the middle of a meadow?
A woman with short black hair and a long white robe steps
out of the woods holding a ROD. This is GITANALKA, 24.
GITANALKA
It is merely I, a passerby, who by
happenstance shall come upon you
cooking a meal in this meadow. I
mean you no harm, good sir.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

Stephan NARROWS his eyes suspiciously at her for a second

before SHRUGGING.

STEPHAN
Good.
He turns back to his meal and she walks over to him slowly.
STEPHAN
Are you hungry?
Gitanalka sighs DRAMATICALLY and stares off MOODILY at the
distant fortress.
GITANALKA
I am Gitanalka. I cannot eat, for I
(beat) am a princess of Malevora
seeking vengeance upon the Overlord
who usurped my fiance’s throne.
Stephan turns slowly to Gitanalka and PERKS a brow,
INTERESTED.
STEPHAN
I see. You’re -that- Gitanalka, the
Princess of Pellyos, the Duchess of
the Ditch, the Maiden of Misery,
the Empress of Emperors...
Stephan leans in close with a SMIRK and takes a bite of his
rodent.

STEPHAN
...the Lady of Love?
Gitanalka turns to him, CONFUSED.
GITANALKA
No sir, the other one.
Stephan DEFLATES and turns away.
STEPHAN
Oh. Okay.

He starts eating, his back to her.

GITANALKA
Kind sir, will you help me rescue
my fiance from the Overlord’s
dungeon?
Stephan doesn’t seem to hear her at first, and then
HALF-turns and blinks.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

STEPHAN
Sorry, what was that?

GITANALKA
My brother is the Noble of Nieth;
he would reward you greatly if--
STEPHAN
Wait, hold on a second.

Stephan turns to Gitanalka, still eating his meal, holding

up his other hand for her to be quiet.
STEPHAN
You were just tramping around in
the woods, ambling in the general
direction of the evil Overlord’s
fortress of doom, hoping to stumble
upon some good-natured do-gooder
with good intentions good with a
weapon?

Gitanalka gives Stephan a WARM and HOPEFUL smile.

Stephan mulls it over a moment and then shrugs.
STEPHAN
Alright, I ain’t got anything else
to do. The name’s Stephan by the
way.
Stephan extends his hand to her and Gitanalka shakes it as
if it’s the dirtiest thing in the kingdom.
GITANALKA
Good to meet you, Stephan. Shall we
make haste?

Stephan is half-turned back to the roast-pit when she says

this, and he turns back to her, confused and surprised.
STEPHAN
What? Like (beat) now?

Gitanalka nods.
Stephan scratches his cheek and looks vaguely toward the
fortress as he considers.
STEPHAN
Yeah, I guess.
As Stephan collects his things, Gitanalka begins walking
across the MEADOW toward a path in the woods.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

STEPHAN (MUTTERING)
We better run into a couple other
morons eager for a suicide mission.

INT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, OVERLORD’S CHAMBERS - DAY

The OVERLORD D’REN "THE INFAMOUS" CONNOR McDIABOLIK, 30, is
TOPLESS, shaving his GOATEE in the mirror with a cut-throat
blade.
Dren has jet-black hair, green eyes, a facial SCAR that
makes him look both cool and sexy, and lots of MUSCLES and
abs.

Once finished, Dren scrutinizes his now-clean-shaven face

for any knicks or missed patches, and when he finds none, he
NODS approvingly.
Dren turns on the sink, rinses the blade, puts it down, and
SPLASHES water on his face.

When he looks in the mirror, there is a five-year-old boy

standing there looking CREEPY; Dren JUMPS slightly.
OVERLORD DREN
What do you want, Tom?

Dren is Irish.
Tom stops looking creepy and walks up, handing Dren a
CLIPBOARD with a big smile; one or two TEETH are missing.

TOM
Overlord, I looked at your plan. I
think making the air vent thingies
bigger is a bad idea ’cause then
people could crawl in them.

Tom CUTELY makes a crawling motion with a big grin.

Dren looks at the clipboard and nods.
DREN
Yeah, those were my thoughts as
well, though possibly a bit more
advanced in the vocab department.
Guess that’s why you’re my adviser,
Tom. If a five-year-old can spot a
flaw in the system, it’s likely my
enemies would as well. Thanks, Tom.
Tom throws his hands up TRIUMPHANTLY and runs out of the
room.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

TOM
Yay!
Dren chuckles and shakes his head.
He goes over to his bed and tosses the clipboard on the
side-table.
Then he begins putting on his black steel-toed combat boots.
DREN
Time to go Overlording.

INT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, MAIN CORRIDOR - DAY

SOUNDTRACK: Toccatta (the evil classical song)

(slo-mo begins) The huge, heavy, armored door to Dren’s

chambers opens up at the end of the HALL.
Overlord Dren emerges from the room wearing his combat
boots, purple and pink SILK trousers, a blue and yellow
Hawaiian button-up shirt that’s only half buttoned, and a
green and orange FEDORA with a 3-leaf clover stuck to it.
As the Overlord SWAGGERS down the hall, his adviser Tom
exits another room and walks beside him, wearing equally
bright and colorful clothes.

From another room comes Overlord Dren’s similarly dressed

TRUSTED LIEUTENANT, the BALD eye-patch-wearing CHARLIE the
CHIN, 40, named so because he barely has one.
A woman emerges from another room looking like a PUNK ROCK
CLOWN exploded on her, minus the blood. She also wears a
black leather spiked COLLAR. This is YILIA, 20.
Finally, out of the last room comes the entire orchestral
band playing the SOUNDTRACK song.

ECU: Dren gives the camera a SINISTER smirk before he

reaches his throneroom.

INT. FORTRESS THRONEROOM - DAY

Overlord Dren is sitting BORED on his awesome BLACK LEATHER

throne.
He is now wearing a HOODED black leather cloak.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

DREN (VO)
It’s too early for this shite.
Some fat old lady is reciting a list of complaints from the
Representative of Peasants behind her.

DREN (VO)
I could’ve slept another two hours.
The fat lady rambles on.

DREN (VO)
Sure, I would’ve missed lunch...
Tom begins running in circles around the Representatives
behind the fat lady.

DREN (VO)
But I’m the Overlord, the King of
Malevora, The Infamous! I can have
lunch whenever I want!
Yilia, Dren’s collared pet, nuzzles Dren’s leg.

He doesn’t notice and she pouts.

DREN (VO)
Oh, the burdens of power...

The fat old lady finishes her list.

FAT OLD LADY
So, Mister Overlord! What are you
going to do about all of that?

Dren finally looks the woman in the eye with DISGUST and
utter CONTEMPT.
DREN
Nothing. Go away, you annoying git.

Not in the least bit surprised, the woman rolls up the

scroll and leaves with her cadre.
Dren leans back in his throne and stretches and yawns.

DREN
Oh what a day?
He looks around at Tom and his lieutenant, Lord Charlie the
Chin.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

DREN
Is there anything goin’ on? Is
someone tryin’ to kill me? Come on,
guys. Give me something.
Charlie approaches Dren, head bowed in reverence.
CHARLIE
Great Overlord! Our spies have
uncovered a plot to rescue your
noble half-brother from a forgotten
cell in your dungeon.
Dren smiles and rubs his hands together GLEEFULLY.

DREN
Oh! Is that so, Charlie the Chin?
Well then, kill my half-brother and
replace him with a lookalike.
That’ll show those pesky (beat)
rescuers.

EXT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, FRONT GATES - DUSK

Gitanalka and Stephan are HIDING behind some trees, eying
the front gates from a distance.

There are two human male guards standing at the gates

dressed in all black armor and FACE-CONCEALING black
helmets.

Stephan shakes his head with DISBELIEF.

STEPHAN
A moat? Seriously? Who uses a moat
anymore?

It’s a moat of lava surrounding the entire fortress.

STEPHAN
Of lava no less.
GITANALKA
The Overlord is infamous for his
cunning and diabolical schemes.
Stephan sighs.
STEPHAN
Yeah, I know. We live in the same
kingdom, lady.
One of the guards goes to take a piss in the woods.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

STEPHAN
This is our chance.
Stephan and Gitanalka creep over to where the guard is
urinating.

The other guard is still standing at the gate, casually

examining his futuristic energy rifle.
A few moments later, when he sees who he believes is his
colleague return, he shakes his head and gestures to the
weapon.
GUARD 1
Bro, where do you think the
Overlord got these cool, futuristic
energy weapons?

The person in the other guard’s uniform shrugs and then

replies in Gitanalka’s feminine voice.
GITANALKA
Costco?

Before Guard 1 can react, Stephan, who is right behind him,

stabs him in the neck with his DAGGER.
He smiles to Gitanalka.

STEPHAN
Good work. Now they’ll never see us
coming. We’ll just walk right in,
look for the dungeon, which I
believe is probably beneath the
fortress, and execute the bravest
rescue plan since Hercules rescued
King Arthur from Pontius Pilate.
Gitanalka just stares at Stephan as he dresses for a moment
before shaking her head slowly.

GITANALKA
You are a brave man, but a very
stupid one as well.
Stephan smirks as he puts on his helmet backwards.

STEPHAN
Thanks.
They both hear someone HISS at them from the woods.

Both spin to see who it is but Stephan cannot see.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

Gitanalka turns his helmet around for him and now he sees
two individuals in the woods.
One of them is the brute CROWDER, 26, a club-wielding
barbaric man in loincloth and a lot of piercings and
tattoos. The other man is VINCENT, 45, an older black man
with a large sword wearing plate armor.
VINCENT
Would you perchance be the rescuers
of the Noble of Nieth?

STEPHAN
Why do you ask, swordsman?
VINCENT
We wish to save him as well!

GITANALKA
Oh how delightful!
CROWDER
I am Crowder and he is Vincent. We
are brothers - step-brothers - and
we seek adventure!
VINCENT
And honor!

CROWDER
Right. And that too.
STEPHAN
Well then, join us, my friends! For
today we end this wretched plight
on our land who is called The
Infamous, the Irish Bastard, the
Evil Overlord, the King of--
VINCENT
Yeah, we got it. Can we stop
monologuing and just get to the
action?

INT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, DINING HALL - NIGHT

Overlord Dren is sitting at the head of a huge rectangular

wooden table eating a FEAST.
Around the table or gorgeous women wearing barely any
clothes, Charlie the Chin, Tom the adviser, and to his left
with a LEASH attached to her collar is Yilia.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

Everyone is having a good time, eating, drinking, and being

merry when a soldier rushes into the room.
The soldier whispers something into Dren’s ear, which causes
Charlie to perk.

Dren nods to the soldier, who quickly departs the room.

Dren wipes his mouth and then stands, nodding to Charlie.
The two leave the dining hall casually.

INT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, MAIN CORRIDOR - NIGHT

DREN
Surveillence cameras have caught
something very interesting.
CHARLIE
The Noble’s saviors, my Lord?
Dren and Charlie move to the surveillence room where the
soldier is already sitting backk down at a desk of monitors.
Dren examines the cameras, finding the monitor marked
"Dungeon" is DEAD.
DREN
Yes, and some old friends too.
Dren turns and smirks at Charlie.
Charlie looks confused.

Dren sighs.
DREN
Our spies, dude.
CHARLIE
Oh...
Dren rolls his eyes.

INT. FORTRESS DUNGEON - NIGHT

Gitanalka and Stephan dressed in guard’s uniforms escort
Vincent and Crowder down a flight of stairs into the
dungeons.

They are stopped by three other face-concealed guards.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

Two are standing on either side of the hall and one is

sitting behind a desk holding a pen. The plaque on his desk
reads "Desk SGT Keller."
KELLER
Can I see some ID please?
Gitanalka and Stephan glance nervously at each other.
Then Stephan pulls out a wallet he finds in his back pocket
and flips it open to show his ID card.

Guard 3 picks up a handheld scanner off the desk, scans the

ID badge, and nods.
The other two guards step aside to let them pass.

When they get to the cell marked "Nobleman of Nieth,"

Gitanalka looks through the bars with ANTICIPATION.
GITANALKA
Dear fiance! Dear Bob!

Vincent and Crowder exchange looks.

VINCENT
Bob?
Stephan leans in to whisper to Gitanalka.

STEPHAN
We have to get out of here!
GITANALKA
We have to find a key!

Stephan glances around and then goes back to the desk guard.
STEPHAN
We need the key to the Nobleman’s
cell, pronto!
KELLER
You know we don’t keep the keys to
the important prisoners down here!
That would be dumb! Then any
asshole pretending to be a guard
could get them. You have to get the
key from Lord Charlie the Chin
himself.
Stephan nods slowly.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

STEPHAN
Riiiight. Of course. Now I remember
(beat) Thank you.

Stephan walks back to the others.

STEPHAN
The Overlord’s Trusted Lieutenant
has the key! We’re doomed!

Vincent appears to think for a moment.

VINCENT
Not necessarily, my friendly hero.
We could pretend to escape your
custody, and you could chase us
through the halls until we find
Charlie. Even if we’re caught
before you get to him, you should
be fine.

STEPHAN
That’s genius!
GITANALKA
What about you?

Vincent and Crowder exchange knowing, smirking glances.

CROWDER
We’ll be fine, love.

INT. FORTRESS THRONEROOM - NIGHT

Overlord Dren is sitting on his throne, wearing red LEATHER
pants, a green leather VEST, his combat boots with STEEL
TOES, blue leather knuckle GLOVES, his hooded cloak, and his
green and orange fedora.
He has four armed, face-covered, black-armored guards around
his throne.
Charlie is standing to his right, arms over his chest.

Suddenly an alarm sounds.

KELLER (OS)
Intruder alert! We have a security
breach! Two armed prisoners have
escaped the dungeon and are making
their way to the throneroom!
Dren grins and interlocks his fingers, leaning forward.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

DREN
Get ready, boys.
Scowling, Charlie draws a pistol.
Vincent and Crowder BURST through the doors, followed by
five face-covered guards.
Once inside, Dren nods to Charlie, who goes to each of the
five guards and removes their weapons.

Then Charloe goes over to the door and stands in front of

it.
Charlie activates a wrist-communicator and speaks into it.
CHARLIE
Alright, guys. Nobody gets in or
out of the throneroom.
Dren smiles WIDELY and stands up, disrobing his cloak.
DREN
Good evening, mates!
Vincent and Crowder chuckle and move toward Dren.
Dren shakes their hands in front of the five guards who just
ran in behind them.

VINCENT
Hello, boss.
Dren smiles at the five guards.

DREN
That’s right, these are my spies.
Now, to find out which of you are
the -true- intruders (beat) the
-in-true-ders. Heh, get it?

All five guards look at each other.

Dren scowls and then nods to Charlie.
Charlie moves to press a BUTTON on the side of each guard’s
helmet.
The face-shields changes from tinted black to TRANSPARENT.
He recognizes the first two guards.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.

CHARLIE
Sorry Lance, Keller.
KELLER
It’s okay boss, we understand.

Charlie then presses the button on the side of Stephan’s

helmet.
Charlie scrutinizes Stephan’s face for several PAINSTAKING
moments.

Meanwhile, Gitanalka is inching backwards toward the exit.

CHARLIE
I dunno...

Dren tilts his head as he watches Charlie with irritated

tolerance.
DREN
I’m going to go ahead and guess the
guard with the body of a woman and
inching oh so very slowly toward
the exit might be one of them,
Charles.
Gitanalka turns to run, but the door is locked.

Charlie grabs her and hauls her toward Dren FORCEFULLY.

STEPHAN
Unhand her, you brute!
Dren looks at Charlie with FRUSTRATION.

DREN
Careful, mate, she is a woman.
Charlie presses the button on her helmet to DRAMATICALLY
reveal Gitanalka.
Gitanalka gasps in TERROR at Dren and struggles in Charlie’s
TIGHT grasp.
GITANALKA
It’s you, the terror of my
nightmares!
Dren just stares at her blankly.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.

DREN
Sorry, who the bloody hell are you?
GITANALKA
I be the fair maiden Gitanalka,
fiance of Bob the Nobleman of
Nieth!
Dren blinks and glances around at his cronies.
DREN
Gita-what?
GITANALKA
Gitanalka.
DREN
Gita-Na...?
GITANALKA
Gita-Nal-Ka. Gitanalka.
DREN
Right. Okay. From henceforth, you
shall be known as (beat) Git.
Dren turns to Stephan.
DREN
How did you not already give her
that nickname, mate?
STEPHAN
You will let us go and free Bob!

DREN
Yeah, he’s dead.
A guard standing by Dren’s throne holds up Bob’s severed
HEAD.

Gitanalka screams and sobs in desperate SORROW and DISGUST.

DREN
Can’t be too careful these days, ya
know? With the economy the way it
is, a Noble’s life is worth quite
the tuppence.
STEPHAN
You - you Irish bastard!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.

DREN
Yeah, I never really knew my
parents. But anyway, onto business.
Shooting is too good for you, you
Barbie-haired poofter. Take them to
the dungeon to be tortured for
several hours before brutally
dismembers and disembowled.
As Charlie and the guards carry Stephan and Gitanalka away,
Stephan leans back and shouts at Dren.

STEPHAN
Mark my words, for this vow be
etched in the stone of my heart of
hearts, you wretched monster: I
shall break free of any shackles
you bind me therein and bring forth
your utter downfall--!
Dren draws a chrome-plated, white-handled six-shooter,
SAUNTERS over to Stephan before they reach the door, and
BLOWS his head off.

DREN
On second thought, shootings
-isn’t- too good for him.
Gitanalka screams with TERROR and DISGUST.

Dren nods to Charlie.

DREN
Yeah, you can throw her in the
dungeon. If she tries to seduce or
manipulate any guards, kill the
guard’s family in front of both of
them. That should put an end to
that.

Dren SWAGGERS back over to his throne, holstering his

revolver.
Charlie and the three guards take Gitanalka out of the
throneroom.

Spies Vincent and Crowder depart the throneroom with the

rest of the guards, leaving Dren to sit alone under the DIM
lighting above his throne.
Dren SMIRKS wickedly, interlacing his gloved fingers.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.

DREN
Who says the hero has to win at the
end of every story?
He WINKS.

CUT TO BLACK.
SUPER: Things I’d Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord - #1:
Visors and Ventilation Ducts

SUPER (CREDITS)
Hal Oszan as EVIL OVERLORD
as BARBIE-HAIRED HERO

as GIT
as TRUSTED LIEUTENANT
as FIVE-YEAR-OLD ADVISER

as PET
as SWORDSMAN SPY
as BRUTE SPY

as DESK JOCKEY
as FAT OLD LADY
as EXPENDABLE GUARD 1

FADE TO BLACK.

EXT. PEACEFUL VILLAGE - DAY

A teenage blond boy is looking at a photo of STEPHAN with
PAIN and VENGEANCE in his eyes.
He is standing in front of a BONFIRE.
BOY
I swear by Nieth, goddess of our
people, that I will avenge you dear
brother! In ten years time, when I
am of age to join the Malevoran
Army, I will train and become the
greatest soldier this realm has
ever seen! And then I will rise
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.

BOY (cont’d)
through the ranks of said Army, and
become an officer, and then lead a
resistance against the evil
Overlord of Malevora!
The boy places the photo in the fire.

BOY
I swear this oath to you, brother
Stephan. By Nieth, I sw--
A laser beam from orbit OBLITERATES the entire village.

EXT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, ROOF - DAY

Overlord Dren is reclined and RELAXED in a big chair that
rotates and swivels, holding a JOYSTICK in one hand and an
open OWNER’S MANUAL to the DEATH-RAY in his other.
DREN
You will do no such thing, callow
youth.

Dren reaches over and picks up a big MUG of ale and takes a
SWIG.
CUT TO BLACK.

SUPER: Things I’d Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord.

SUPER: #2: Designers and Death-Rays.
FADE TO

INT. FORTRESS, SEAMSTRESS CHAMBERS - DAY

Dren enters the fashion designer’s chambers.
The seamstress, or fashion designer, is a beautiful older
woman with long GRAYING hair, called SAI, 43.
Sai is drawing a colorful dress at her table.
Dren swaggers over and looks down at it.

DREN
Mistress Sai, that doesn’t look
like a uniform that would strike
fear into the hearts of my enemies
(beat) or a five-year-old child.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.

Tom walks over and looks at it.

He shakes his head and walks out.
Sai sighs and looks up at Dren with EXASPERATION.

SAI
Sir, I’m taking a break from your
request. I’ve shown you a dozen
ideas but you hate all of them.

DREN
They all look like Nazi uniforms or
something Mongol savages would
wear, or Robocop!
SAI
I don’t know what any of that
means, my Lord!
Dren waves dismissively and shakes his head.
DREN
Don’t worry about it, Sai.
He turns to leave.
SAI
I do have one thing.

Dren stops leaving and turns back to her as Sai is shuffling

through papers and artwork.
She shows him a sheet of paper with a drawing on it.

Dren smirks and nods slowly.

DREN
I like it. Why didn’t you show it
to me earlier?

SAI
Well, sir, you said you wanted
uniforms that struck fear into the
hearts of your enemies. I didn’t
think this would count as such.

Dren chuckles maniacally.

DREN
Oh but you’re wrong, Mistress Sai.
So very, very wrong. This, my dear,
will terrorize everyone from the
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.

DREN (cont’d)
smallest of little girls to the
bravest of heroes.
Dren SLAMS the paper down on the desk.

DREN
Make it happen, Sai!
He turns and leaves HAPPILY.

The picture is of a COLORFUL, creepy CLOWN.

INT. FORTRESS DUNGEON - NIGHT

GITANALKA is sitting in her cell staring HOPELESSLY at the
floor.
Dren walks up to her cell with a GRIN.
DREN
There is but one way you will leave
my prison, Git.
Git looks up at Dren, DOUBT and FEAR in her eyes.
GIT
In a body bag, I presume?

Dren shakes his head, still SMILING.

DREN
As my concubine.

Git SCOFFS and averts her eyes with SHAME.

GIT
Never.

DREN
Are you sure?
Git looks at Dren ANGRILY.
GIT
Never! Do you hear me? Never!
DREN
Oh well.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.

GIT
I’d rather die.
Dren draws his six-shooter.
DREN
Okay.
Git looks at him with TERROR.
Dren shoots her in the face.

EXT. FORTRESS, LEGIONS OF TERROR BARRACKS - DAY

The next day, as illustrated by Dren’s change in outfit from
black leather to BRIGHT, COLORFUL, and CHEERFUL silk and
plaid, Dren stands before an army of thousands of soldiers
dressed in CLOWN costumes.
Some of the clown soldiers have makeup or masks that make
them look like monsters.

Dren inspects his troops with a satisfied smile; no two

soldiers look identical.
DREN
Here in Malevora, we respect
individualism! And each of you are
individuals!
One of the clowns in the back hollers in agreement.
DREN
Shut up or I’ll kill ya!

Dren straightens his orange and green fedora.

DREN
When our enemies see us, they will
scream in terror! So you will be
called my Legions of Terror!
The Legions APPLAUD.
When it dies down, Dren continues, pacing before them.

DREN
These soldiers...
Dren gestures to about a hundred clown soldiers bound to
wooden posts.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.

DREN
They failed the marksmanship test
yesterday. They couldn’t hit a
man-sized target from ten meters
away, so now (beat) -they- are the
man-sized targets!
The Legions of Terror CHEER and APPLAUD and LAUGH.

DREN
So as soon as I’m out of the way,
you go ahead and have at it, lads!
Dren runs toward his fortress.

He hears gunfire behind him and turns to watch with GLEE as

the clown failures are EVISCERATED by rifle fire.

INT. FORTRESS THRONEROOM - DAY

Dren is sitting on his throne.

DREN
So what you’re telling me, my
trusted board of engineers, is that
my fortress has a few (beat)
issues?
The half dozen NERVOUS engineers nod, one speaks.
ENGINEER
My gracious lord sir, these
alcoves...
He gestures to small alcoves in the room just large enough
for a person to hide in.

ENGINEER
...well, they’re just big enough
for one of your enemies to hide in.
Or what about that pillar by the
door?

Dren looks at the pillar just large enough for a man to hide
behind, positioned in front of the door.
DREN
I see. Someone could just (beat)
slip me a blade ’tween my ribs, eh?

The engineers nod RUEFULLY.

Dren nods THOUGHTFULLY.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.

DREN
Right then. Make everything flat
and smooth and boring. We’ll put
holographic paintings up or
something.

CONFUSED, the engineers nod and turn to leave.

The one who speaks remains.
ENGINEER
Oh, and regarding the matter you
asked me about earlier, sir...
DREN
The secret tunnels, yes?

ENGINEER
There are several. Little Tom uses
them to sneak outside sometimes.
Dren balls his fist and thrusts it slightly in FRUSTRATION.

DREN
That bright bugger. Very well.
Don’t fill them in, just put really
heavy impenetrable doors that
require my own fingerprint to open.
Also my voice and possibly my
retina. And a password. Something
complicated like "The Infamous oh
one."
The engineer narrows his eyes SKEPTICALLY.

ENGINEER
I do believe your five-year-old
adviser would crack that password
in thirty seconds, my Lord.

Dren nods RUEFULLY.

DREN
Blast, you’re right. Very well,
I’ll set the password later. Go on
then.

The engineer hurries out of the throneroom.

Tom is hiding in an alcove writing in his journal.
 24.

INT. TAVERN - DAY

A tavern is bustling with patrons and employees.
A leather-clad RED-HAIRED woman walks over to the bar tender
and SLIDES across a gold coin with an R etched into it.

The tender glances around CAUTIOUSLY before DISCRETLY

placing the coin in his pocket.
He nods to a man sitting alone in the corner drinking ale.

The woman nods and heads over to the man in the corner.
The man looks up and eyes her QUIZZICALLY.
ALLAN, 38, has SHORT BROWN hair and a BEARD; he wears brown
LEATHER armor and a short sword is sheathed on his belt.
Allan looks up at the red-headed woman in black and grey
leather, BRIDGIT, 27.
He PERKS a brow, more out of annoyance than interest.

ALLAN
Did you lose something, madam?
BRIDGIT
No sir, but I think I found
something.
Allan sighs and rolls his eyes, looking away.
ALLAN
Should’ve seen that coming, I
suppose.
Bridgit sits down across from the man.
BRIDGIT
I am...

Bridgit SUSPICIOUSLY glances around before continuing.

BRIDGIT
...the resistance.

Allan looks around too, this time for anyone who might know
her.
ALLAN
Well Madam Resistance, you’re
lookin’ rather (beat) thin.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.

Bridgit glares daggers at him.

Allan smirks.
ALLAN
C’mon, you didn’t see that comin’?

Bridgit lets a small smile out before leaning back in her

chair.
BRIDGIT
I hear you’re the man to talk to
about weapons.
ALLAN
I know what they are...

BRIDGIT
About making them.
ALLAN
Yes, I used to be a blacksmith. I’m
guessing you’re runnin’ a bit
(beat) thin (beat) on weapons too,
Madam Res.
BRIDGIT
The joke’s dead, Mister Blacksmith.

Allan shrugs and takes another sip of ale before setting it

down and leaning forward.
He extends his hand to her.
ALLAN
I’m Allan. Friends call me Al.
Bridget takes his hand.
BRIDGIT
Bridgit. My friends call me
Bridgit. Also, I don’t have any
friends. Can we go to somewhere a
bit more (beat) quiet?
As they get up to leave, a surly, world-weary WENCH eyes
them SUSPICIOUSLY as she delivers drinks to a nearby table.
 26.

INT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, OVERLORD’S CHAMBERS - NIGHT

After a long day’s overlording, Dren retires to his
bedchambers for a nice relaxing bath.
His collared pet Yilia is lying with him in the bath.

A ROTARY phone rings in his bedroom.

A servant girl brings the phone to him and waits there as he
sits up and answers it.

DREN
Oi.
CHARLIE (OS)
I’ve made sure the Death-Ray is up
to code and grounded, my Lord.
DREN
Good work, Charlie. Take tomorrow
off. You’ve earned it. Oh, I almost
forgot: what about the Reverse
switch. Did you melt it down like I
asked?
CHARLIE (OS)
Yes sir. You now have six
commemorative coins made of a
futuristic alloy.
DREN
Cheers, mate. Don’t want any pesky
heroes powering down after I’ve
spent five minutes powering it up.
Later, mate.
Dren hangs up the phone and the servant girl takes it away.
Dren sighs with pleasure.

DREN
I’ve got everything Yilia.
Yilia smiles and they KISS.

SUDDENLY there is a RAUCUS knock on the door.

Dren groans with ANNOYANCE.
DREN
Oh bloody hell! Come in!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.

The door to his chambers burst open and a messenger rushes

inside, FRANTIC and out of breath.

MESSENGER
S - Sir (beat) I have (beat) urgent
message.
Yilia keeps trying to kiss Dren.

DREN
If you don’t stop, I might drown
you.
He turns to the messenger.

DREN
What is it, messenger boy? And try
to breathe. I hear it helps.
MESSENGER
One of the surly, world-weary
wenches you ordered hired over the
beautiful, honorable wenches has
just informed me that the
resistance is back in action!

Dren throws up his hands in a fit of RAGE.

DREN
Ah! If I weren’t so emotionally
stable, I’d murder you just for the
sheer enjoyment of it! But good
messengers are hard to come by.
Thank you for that, you may go now.
The messenger nods.
MESSENGER
Thank you my Lord. And thank you
for not murdering me in a fit of
rage, my Lord.
The messenger SCURRIES out the room.

Yilia PURRS and nuzzles Dren’s neck.

DREN
What am I to do now? The moment I
thought I had everything - the
moment I proclaimed the very words,
I recieve vital information that
may very well mean a coming end to
my reign here in Malevora. What am
I to do?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 28.

Yilia purrs more and keeps trying to get Dren’s attention.

Dren smirks and kisses her lips.

DREN
I guess it can wait a -few-
minutes.
FADE TO

EXT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, ROOF - DAY

Dren is sitting in the chair that controls the orbital Death
Ray.

He speaks into the communications device on his wrist.

DREN
Keller, is the wench out of the
tavern (beat) uh, better make it
the town - is she out of the town?
Dren targets the town with the JOYSTICK.
KELLER (OS)
Yes sir. There are a few Resistance
sympathizers here and Al Blacksmith
here, but I don’t see the redheaded
woman. Sir, are you going to wait
until I get out of town-?
Dren pushes the big RED button on the panel in front of him.

He watches a laser LANCE out from space and hit a town miles
away, turning it to ashes.
DREN
Nope.
Dren HOPS out of the chair and heads to the door that leads
back down into the interior.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

In a small clearing in the middle of the woods is a CARNIVAL
entertaining dozens of people.
There are mimes, jesters, freaks of nature, games, turtle
races, and all kinds of things carnivals are known to have.
The first individual to notice something odd coming their
way is the man on STILTS, because of the height.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 29.

He squints and puts his hand up to shield his eyes as he

peers through the trees.
An army of about three dozen clown warriors are MARCHING
down a footpath; a couple clown officers ride on horseback.

Eyes wide with TERROR, the tall man turns to flee.

Finally, others notice the multicolored platoon and scream
in FEAR as they run in the other direction.

The platoon of clowns SAVAGELY overrun and destroy the

carnival with both melee weapons and firearms.
They continue on the path toward a VALLEY.

EXT. VALLEY - DAY

A couple dozen battle-hardened, armor-clad warriors are
standing around a BONFIRE they just made out of what used to
be a village.

The warriors look like knights; they wear a crest of a LION

on their armor and shields.
When they see the clown warriors coming, they turn and look
at them with CONFUSION at first, and then AMUSEMENT.

Some of the armored enemy warriors scoff and make fun of the
clown army.
Emerging from the throng of knights is their commander,
TAYLON THE TERRIBLE,48, a knight with a long braided black
beard and a BURNED face.

He smirks at the clowns, who are just standing there at the

entrance of the valley, and then motions for his men to be
silent.
Once the commotion dies down, he speaks with a BOOMING
voice.
TAYLON
Greetings, jesters of Malevora!
Have all your soldiers defected to
a less oppressive regime?
The knights laugh. The clowns remain still and silent.
TAYLON
I am Taylon the Terrible! My
knights here and I work for King
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 30.

TAYLON (cont’d)
Goruk the ogre of Blandville! We
claim this village as territory of
Goruk!
The knights cheer, Taylon grins.
Suddenly, the clown soldiers break out into a SYNCHRONIZED
dance routine.

The knights are STUNNED speechless.

The clowns sing in CHORUS as they dance to positions
SURROUNDING the knights.

PLATOON OF TERROR
We are a platoon of terror! This
valley belongs to The Infamous of
Malevora! If you don’t get the hell
outta here, we’re gonna lay
smackdown on you! I say we’re gonna
lay a smackdown, smackdown on you!
They stop dancing and point guns, swords, spears, and bows
at the knights.
The knights just stare at the clowns for a second and then
BURST out laughing.
Taylon laughs too, but becomes nervous when the platoon
edges closer.
He begins to draw his long sword, but is SHOT in the face as
the clowns attack and slaughter the knights.
After a short battle, they collect their wounded, and move
to the center of the valley to dance again.

PLATOON OF TERROR
We are, we are the platoon of
terror! We scare little children
and make grown men scatter! If you
laugh, if you laugh, you will get
stabbed, you will - get -
staaabbed!
CUT TO BLACK.
SUPER: Things I’d Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord - #2:
Designers and Death-Rays.

SUPER (CREDITS)
Hal Oszan as EVIL OVERLORD

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 31.

as GIT
as CALLOW YOUTH

as FASHION DESIGNER
as TRUSTED LIEUTENANT
as FIVE-YEAR-OLD ADVISER

as STRUCTURAL ENGINEER
as MADAM RESISTANCE
as BLACKSMITH

as A TERRIBLE KNIGHT
as POOR DESK JOCKEY
as GOOD MESSENGER

as PET
as SURLY, WORLD-WEARY WENCH
as BAR TENDER

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. FORTRESS THRONEROOM - DAY

While Overlord Dren sits REGALLY upon his throne of black

leather, Charlie the Chin and a PLEXIGLASS-helmeted guard
ROUGHLY bring in a man with a BLACK BAG over his head.
Dren rolls his eyes.

DREN
Charlie, what did I tell you? Be
gentle.
Charlie removes the detainee’s hood to reveal the face of a
FRUSTRATED Asian man with a goatee. This is bounty hunter
CHANG, 32.
He shoves the guard away and Dren LAUGHS.
CHANG
I demand to know the meaning for
this treachery! Who are you?
Dren stands up SLOWLY and OMINOUSLY.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 32.

DREN
I am The Infamous!
Chang leans forward, awaiting more.
CHANG
Alright. The Infamous what?
Dren glances around at his subjects.
DREN
What do you mean? Have you never
heard of The Infamous?
CHANG
Mister Infamous, I was kidnapped
from my bed at two in the morning
and travelled a good five hundred
miles in a carraige to wherever
this place is. I think I can safely
say I’ve never heard of any
Infamous.

DREN
-The- Infamous.
CHANG
I’ve heard of The Infamous Butcher,
the Infamous Idiot, the Man of
Total Infamy, but never just (beat)
The Infamous.
Dren SIGHS as he stands directly in front of Chang.
DREN
I am Overlord Dren Connor Diabolik
of Malevora.
CHANG
Oh, -that- The Infamous. Okay.

DREN
And you are the most deadly bounty
hunter in all of your land, Chang
the Merciful, correct?

Chang nods and smirks.

CHANG
So you’ve heard of me?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 33.

DREN
I have. And I’ve got to say,
interesting choice with the name.
Gives people hope, and then you
snatch it away.
CHANG
Gotta love a bit of false
advertising.

DREN
Quite.
Dren nods and grins at Chang.

Chang looks NERVOUSLY around.

CHANG
So why am I here?
DREN
I want you to hunt somebody for a
specific, pre-determined bounty.
Chang nods THOUGHTFULLY.
CHANG
This person must be pretty
dangerous for you to send your top
lieutenant five hundred miles to
fetch me.

Dren nods slowly, his CLEVER smirk growing.

DREN
Pretty dangerous (beat) and pretty
-pretty-.

Chang narrows his eyes at Dren SUSPICIOUSLY.

CHANG
You didn’t capture me and bring me
five hundred miles just to hunt any
old game, did you?

DREN
I did not capture you and bring you
five hundred miles. He did.
Dren points to Charlie.

Charlie nods once and smiles.

Chang SCOWLS.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 34.

CHANG
Tell me, Overlord Dren. What
wretched and beautiful soul do I
have to locate for you?

Dren leans forward, grinning more.

DREN
Bridgit the Rose Blade.
Chang turns and looks away, ANGER and CONTEMPT on his face.

CHANG
The woman who killed my wife (beat)
and daughter (beat) and brother
(beat) and panda.

Chang SUDDENLY extends his hand to Dren.

CHANG
I’ll do it for half the going rate,
sir!

Dren shakes Chang’s hand.

DREN
No you will not. Because I do not
want someone else to come and offer
you twice that amount to leave her
alone or kill me. So I will give
you TWICE the going rate, and
should you even think of betraying
me, I will incinerate you with a
Death Ray. Are we clear?

Chang turns and marches away, ready to get to work.

CHANG
Fret not, my new best friend! We
will be torturing her together by
the end of the day!
Dren raises his finger.
DREN
Uh, yes, I would tell you she must
be taken alive, but that might be a
mistake so instead I’ll say try to
take her alive if reasonably
practical, but please kill her if
she’s too much to handle. Thanks.

The throneroom doors SLAM behind Chang as he leaves.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 35.

CUT TO BLACK.
SUPER: Things I’d Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord.
SUPER: #3: Bounty and Bustiers.

FADE IN

INT. FORTRESS THRONEROOM - DAY

Dren is sitting on his throne reading a comic book.

Charlie is standing to his right, his pet Yilia is kneeling
at his feet.
There is a SCRIBE to Dren’s left.

Enters a white-haired female GENERAL dressed in a

restrictive, metallic BUSTIER and SCANT black leather armor.
This is FREYA, 36.
She gets on one knee, head lowered in reverence.

Dren barely glances up.

DREN
’sup?

Freya looks up to Dren.

FREYA
My lord, I have led your Legions of
Terror to victory once again!
Blandville is ours!

Dren looks up, eyes NARROWED.

Freya looks down NERVOUSLY.
FREYA
Uh, -yours-, my lord. Blandville is
-yours-!
DREN
What’s going on there, Freya?

Dren gestures WHIMSICALLY at Freya.

FREYA
Sir?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 36.

DREN
The outfit. Who issued you that?
FREYA
Y-You did, your Majesty. You
ordered all of your female generals
to wear this (beat) armor.
Dren pulls his face back with a look of SKEPTICISM.
DREN
I must’ve been drunk. It doesn’t
protect anything. -And- it’s
difficult to move in. I mean, one
or the other, fine. But both? Makes
no sense.

Freya SWALLOWS and BOLDLY raises her eyes again.

FREYA
Sir, I would rather wear this than
(beat) what my Legions of Terror
are currently wearing.

FLASH TO

EXT. BATTLE FIELD - DAY

Twenty clowns charge at twenty knights on a battle field.

One clown HONKS his nose.
FLASH TO

INT. FORTRESS THRONEROOM - DAY

Dren nods with UNDERSTANDING.
DREN
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see
your point.
Freya nods POLITELY and smiles NERVOUSLY.

DREN
Hmm, but I am a liar (beat)
Alright, I tell you what...
Dren stands up, raising his finger to make a decree.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 37.

DREN
I hereby decree that female
generals may wear whatever the hell
they want on the battle field, in
the fortress, and in the rear
detachment! And black leather
outfits be reserved for costume
parties and formal occasions!

The scribe is writing Dren’s decree down as law.

SCRIBE
...in the fortress (beat) and in
the rear...

The scribe turns over the scroll to continue writing.

SCRIBE
...detachment.
Freya stands up and beams HAPPILY at him.

FREYA
My lord, you are the most
thoughtful, considerate, and
handsome king in the entire world!

Dren shrugs as he goes to sit down.

DREN
I mean, I murder people, so maybe
you’re being a bit of a suck-up on
the "thoughtful, considerate" part.
But handsome, sure. Meet me in my
bedchambers in an hour! Rawr!
Freya giggles and bows.

FREYA
Yes, my lord!
She rushes off, already UNDOING her heavy, useless armor.

EXT. OUTSIDE FARMER’S MARKET - DAY

Bounty hunter Chang is scouting the farmer’s market,
pretending to be interested in fruit and the like.
(start slo-mo) On the other side of the market, Chang spots
Bridgit the Rose Blade, as beautiful as she is deadly.
Her red hair FLOWS in the wind as she LAUGHS with one of the
vendors. (end slo-mo)

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 38.

Chang averts his eyes and SCOWLS, upset with himself.

CHANG
Get it together Chang. This is the
hunt of the century, the one you’ve
been waiting for. She killed your
family and now you are going to
kill her (beat) eventually.
Hopefully.

Chang turns back to spy on her but Bridgit’s gone.

Chang moves stealthily through the crowd and finds her
again, heading into an alley marked "Dead End."

Chang grins and draws a poisoned needle.

CHANG
I’ve got you now.
Chang goes into the alley and is immediately accosted by
Bridgit.
BRIDGIT
You!
She shoves him back against a wall and he kicks her away
from him.
CHANG
No, you!
BRIDGIT
Yes, me! And you!
CHANG
You killed my family!

BRIDGIT
They deserved what they got!
Chang’s lip begins QUIVERING.
CHANG
And what about Little Bo-Bo? Did he
get what he deserved too? He was
just a panda!
Chang attacks Bridgit with his needle.

Bridgit draws a blade with a rose on it and blocks him.

Bridgit punches Chang in the gut and shoves him back.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 39.

BRIDGIT
Let me guess: Dren hired you.
Chang SNARLS at Bridgit.
CHANG
By the time the moon rises, you
will not see it (beat) because
you’ll be in a dark hole in a
dungeon under a fortress of
darkness!

Again he attacks Bridgit.

Bridgit blocks his needle again, but Chang scratches her.
Chang steps back and SMIRKS.

Bridgit narrows her eyes at him, holding her scratched neck.

BRIDGIT
What are you smirking at? You
scratched me like a little girl.

CHANG
You will soon make that discovery,
Rose Blade.
Bridgit feels WOOZY and stumbles forward.

As Chang catches her, she plunges her knife into his chest,
barely missing his heart.
Both fall to the ground.

INT. FORTRESS PSYCHIATRIC CLINIC - DAY

Dren is lying on his back on a psychiatrist’s sofa staring
at the ceiling with his hands interlocked over his chest.

He’s wearing brightly colored PAJAMAS and a sweat shirt.

An old bald man wearing spectacles and a sweater vest is
sitting in a chair taking notes. This is Doctor HENTERS, 60.
HENTERS MD
We all have fears, Dren.
Dren continues staring up at the ceiling blankly.
He shakes his head after a moment.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 40.

DREN
But (beat) I don’t want them,
Doctor Henters.
Henters squints and leans forward slightly, cocking his
head.
HENTERS MD
Pardon?
Dren looks over at Henters.

DREN
I don’t want (beat) fear. I just
want to (beat) instill it, you
know, in other people.

Henters leans back and sighs.

HENTERS MD
Dren, you came to me because you
wanted to know if there is anything
about your character that would
prove to be a disadvantage to you
in, uh, conquering the world.
DREN
Yeah, mate, and we’ve discovered I
have an extremely unsusual phobia.

HENTERS MD
Fearing death is not an extremely
unusual phobia, Dren. It’s part of
being human.

Dren looks back up at the ceiling.

DREN
Well, I don’t want that part. So
let’s get rid of it.

Henters scratches his forehead, FRUSTRATED.

HENTERS MD
You can’t just get rid of it.

DREN
Why not? Genghis Khan did.
Alexander the Great did. Caeser
did.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 41.

HENTERS MD
I don’t know them, are they
generals under your command?
Dren CHUCKLES.

DREN
I wish.
Henters places his clipboard down on the coffee table in
front of him.

HENTERS MD
Fearing death keeps us from doing
overly insane and stupid things,
like consuming an energy field
bigger than our head, just to get a
little bit more power.
Dren casts Henters a warning glare.
DREN
Hey, I’m not my half-brother,
right?
Henters throws his hands up and leans back again.
HENTERS MD
Alright, Dren.

Dren sits up and EXHALES with a slight smile.

DREN
Cheers, mate. This has been very
helpful.

Henters sighs.
HENTERS MD
Sometimes I think you just like to
come see me so you can have a lie
down on a leather sofa.
Dren gives Henters a mock expression of SURPRISE.
DREN
No. Never, Henters. Good day.
As Dren leaves the clinic and steps into the main corridor
of the fortress, his wrist device BEEPS.
 42.

INT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, MAIN CORRIDOR - DUSK

Dren raises his wrist to his mouth.
DREN
Go for your Supreme Commander.

LANCE (OS)
This, uh, Lance, sir. I was in town
when this bounty hunter guy came up
to me with this red-headed chick
and told me I had to get her to
you, like, as soon as possible.
Thing is, the bounty hunter has a
knife sticking out of him. What do
you want me to do, sir?

Dren rolls his eyes.

DREN
Throw ’em both in the dungeon,
Corporal. Cheers.

LANCE
Aye, s-
Dren turns off his wrist device before Lance can finish
speaking because Dren doesn’t care.

Dren shakes his head with DISBELIEF and DISAPPOINTMENT and

heads for the dungeon.

INT. FORTRESS DUNGEON - NIGHT

Bridgit wakes up in a cell, alone in the dark with a ROTTING

SKELETON.
She SHRIEKS and scurries into a far corner.

Dren is standing there.

Bridgit SNARLS and lunges at the bars.
Dren leans back, LAUGHING, and her fingers almost touch his
throat.

DREN
Whoa! Easy there, tiger. You’re
mine now.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 43.

BRIDGIT
You coward! You tyrant! You--

DREN
There are, like, literally a
thousand names you could call me,
but I am so not interested right
now!

Bridgit gulps and takes a step back.

DREN
I want the names and locations of
your resistance faction leaders,
now.

BRIDGIT
Never.
Dren sighs, rubs his face, and draws his six-shooter.

DREN
The last woman who told me that got
shot in the face.
He TWIRLS the revolver.

DREN
Names and locations.
Dren points the gun at her face, just out of reach.

FRIGHTENED, Bridgit backs up to the wall.

BRIDGIT
I am ready to die, Dren.
Knowing this is true, Dren sighs and lowers his gun.

He turns to the two FEMALE guards standing there, dressed in

T-shirts and sweatpants and sneakers.
He looks at their outfit with DISGUST and SURPRISE.

Then he shakes his head and looks back to Bridgit.

DREN
I was going to order her to my
bedchamber, but there’s probably
somebody out there just as
attractive who isn’t desperate to
kill me.
Dren shrugs and holsters his revolver as he walks away.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 44.

Down the corridor, he sees Chang lying in a cell of his own.

Chang is bleeding PROFUSELY from his shoulder and chest.

DREN
What to do with you.
Chang can barely speak.

CHANG
P-please. H-help me. K-keep the -
the mon-money.
Dren laughs and turns to two MALE guards.

DREN
Get him to the trauma ward.
The two guards nod and enter Chang’s cell to take him to the
trauma ward.

Dren leaves the dungeon.

INT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, OVERLORD’S CHAMBERS - NIGHT

Dren enters his chambers and sees his petite pet half naked
in bed waiting for him and he SMILES.
As he walks over SEDUCTIVELY, the phone rings.
DREN
Oh come on!

Yilia is ANNOYED.
Dren goes over to the rotary phone and answers it.

DREN
Oi! Who is it and what do ya want?
There are a couple of seconds of silence, and then some
heavy breathing, followed by a DEEP, accented voice.

HERO (OS)
Mister Diabolik.
Dren recognizes his voice; shows SLIGHT fear, more like
APPREHENSION.

DREN
Dane Hero. How good it is to
finally hear from you again. How
long’s it been? Six months?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 45.

Dren slowly sits down on the bed.

HERO (OS)
I’m coming for you, Mister
Diabolik. And there is nothing you
can do to stop me.

Dren PONDERS for a second.

DREN
Just you, or...?

HERO (OS)
Well (beat) uh, no. I mean (beat)
I’ve got to get a crew together, of
course. Maybe an army.

DREN
Of course, of course.
HERO (OS)
But when I do, your tyranny will
come to an abrupt end!

DREN
Yeah, about that. Ya know, I think
I’m givin’ up the whole Evil
Overlord thing.

HERO (OS)
What?
DREN
Yeah, I mean, it’s like (beat)
really, really stressful. There’s
so much death and sorrow. I was
considering it for awhile and my
therapist thought it would be good
for my extremely unusual phobia of
death if I gave up overlording, but
you know, you’re a really
motivational speaker, and, oh I
dunno, your dogged perseverence and
courage has given me new insight on
the futility of my evil ways, so
(beat) don’t worry ’bout it. Give
me a few months of quiet
contemplation and I will likely
return to the path of
righteousness.
Dren is silent as he waits, HOPING Hero believes him.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 46.

HERO (OS)
Wow, alright, sounds good, Mister
Diabolik. I thought for sure you
were going to taunt me and then I’d
have to begin my quest to overthrow
you. I look forward to seeing you
in Church, say, ’round Christmas?
DREN
Er (beat) sure.

HERO (OS)
Okay, Mister Diabolik. I look
forward to seeing you and your
Legions of, um...
DREN
...T-T-Tear-Tit-Take-Tackle-Ton-Ten
(beat) Tensile (beat) Tonsils...
Yilia is laughing silently behind Dren.
DREN
Legions of Tensile-Tonsils. Because
they will dress in tensiles for
Christmas and sing for God with
their (beat) tonsils.
There is more silence on the other end.

HERO (OS)
Riiiight. Okay. Well, Mister
Diabolik, I’ll see ya later, sir.
Bye!

DREN (SNARLING)
Not if I see you first.
Dren hangs up.

HERO (OS)
Sorry, what was th-?
CUT TO BLACK.
SUPER: Things I’d Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord - #3:
Bounties and Bustiers.
SUPER (CREDITS)
Hal Oszan as EVIL OVERLORD

as BOUNTY HUNTER

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 47.

as MADAM RESISTANCE
as TRUSTED LIEUTENANT
as PET

as HERO
as HEAD SHRINK
as LADY GENERAL

as POOR LANCE
as SCRIBE

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - DAY

Two black-clad, PLEXIGLASS-helmeted Malevoran guards are
showing a piece of paper to some citizens.
The paper is of The Oracle, a white-eyed old lady who can
see the future apparently, and the reward is GREAT.
The citizens shake their heads.
The guards move on to some other citizens, who also haven’t
seen The Oracle.

Howevevr, in the next group of citiens, one of the

individual points to an old rundown little SHACK across the
way.
On the door is a sign that reads, "The Oracle is IN."

The guards thank the citizen and rush over to the shack.

INT. ORACLE’S HOUSE - DAY

When they enter, they see a female receptionist behind an

old wooden desk writing with a QUILL.
She looks up at the guards BOREDLY.
RECEPTIONIST
Take a number and take a seat.
The guards look at each other and shrug.
They each take a number and sit down in the only two chairs
in the foyer.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 48.

They wait for several moments and then the QUILL begins to
glow.
The receptionist smiles LAZILY at the guards.
RECEPTIONIST
The Oracle will see you now.
The guards exchange glances at the irony of a blind woman
seeing them, and stand up.

They walk through the door and it leads to a smaller room

with an old blind lady sitting behind a CRYSTAL BALL.
ORACLE
Take a seat gentlemen, and tell me,
for what have you come to my humble
abode?
The Oracle coughs into a hankerchef.
One of the guards holds up the WARRANT for her arrest and
SMIRKS triumphantly.

She just sits there staring ahead BLANKLY, waiting for a

reply.
The other guard rolls his eyes and speaks.

GUARD 1
Miss Oracle, we have come to take
you into custody for crimes against
the Kingdom of Malevora.
The Oracle GASPS with SURPRISE and DISBELIEF.

ORACLE
Really? What is it I have done?
The guards exchange NERVOUS glances.

GUARD 1
Um, we don’t know, madam. We’re
just following orders.
ORACLE
Who from?
GUARD 1
His Majesty, the King himself,
madam.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 49.

ORACLE
Oh.
The Oracle BOLTS from her chair, hurling the crystal ball at
the guards, and rushes past them and out into the foyer.

The guards get to her just as the Oracle is SNATCHING the

QUILL from her SHOCKED receptionist’s hand.
ORACLE
It’s just a useless trinket of
purely sentimental value, boys!
Nothing to worry about!
Guard 1 YANKS the quill from the Oracle and puts it in his
pocket.

GUARD 1
Yeah, sure it is, madam Oracle.
Come on, let’s go.
The guards SHACKLE her hands and escort the SAD old woman
out of her shack.

FADE TO BLACK.
SUPER: Things I’d Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord.
FADE IN

EXT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, CHEMICAL STORAGE - DAY

Dren and one of his advisers is walking along a WALKWAY over
dozens of vats of HAZARDOUS chemical materials.

Dren stops and turns to the adviser.

DREN
Renshaw, how long have you been my
top adviser?

RENSHAW
Uh, twelve days, my Lord.
Dren nods.

DREN
Why do you think that is, Renshaw?
Renshaw gulps NERVOUSLY.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 50.

RENSHAW
You’ve been known to kill your
advisers, my Lord.

SUPER: #4: Advisers and Arrests.

DREN
That’s right. Because they’re
stupid, and advisers, by the very
definition, must be able to advise
me. If they’re dumber than a
five-year-old, what good are they,
right Renshaw?
RENSHAW
Of course, sir.
Dren nods, and looks around at the several large vats of
HAZARDOUS material under them.
He then looks POINTEDLY at Renshaw.

Renshaw looks back at Dren with both WORRY and CONFUSION.

DREN
So this chemical storage thing...?

Renshaw smiles proudly.

RENSHAW
Yes, my Lord, we decided that the
vats of toxic chemicals needed to
be outside, so that those inside
the fortress did not breathe in the
toxic fumes and thus die.
DREN
Marvelous thinking, Renshaw. Did
you not, per chance, consider
covering the vats (beat) with some
sort of, I dunno, cover?
Renshaw looks down, finally realizing the flaw.

RENSHAW
Um, well, we thought, uh, it would-
Dren smiles and puts his arm around Renshaw, making him
flinch.

DREN
And what’s with the walkway -over-
the several toxic hazardous
chemical vats, eh?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 51.

Dren leads him to the SIDE RAIL of the walkway and they have
a look over it into the GREEN BUBBLY liquid.
Renshaw STAMMERS with ANXIETY and DREAD.
RENSHAW
Well, uh, you want to inspect the
chemical vats, right?
DREN
Inspect.

Renshaw nods FERVANTLY to Dren, his eyes PLEADING.

Dren smiles and leads them away from the edge, to Renshaw’s
RELIEF.

DREN
But of course, Adviser number one.
Many a night have I spent laid
awake wondering just what goes on
in my chemical vats. I mean, this
is, by far, the best way to find
out. No windows or scanners of some
sort could ever be as effecient.
Renshaw smiles and nods.
RENSHAW
My thoughts exactly, sir.
DREN
Just one (beat) one minor detail.
Dren crosses his arms over his chest and takes a couple
DELIBERATE steps toward Renshaw.
Renshaw is worried again.
RENSHAW
Oh? What’s that, my gracious
merciful Lord?
DREN
Well, what if someone falls off,
and right into one of those boiling
hot, flesh-eating chemical vats,
huh?
Renshaw grins FEARFULLY.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 52.

RENSHAW
But sir, the chemical storage yard
is run by trained professionals who
have never so much as stubbed their
toe while on duty. If they are
extremely careful, how would such a
thing happen?
Dren nods, NARROWING his eyes at Renshaw as he half-smiles.
DREN
That’s a good question, Ren. How
would such a thing happen?
Dren shoves Renshaw SCREAMING off the walkway into a vat.
Dren looks over and watches Renshaw MELT in the chemicals.

DREN
Like that!
Dren turns to leave and sees Charlie the Chin coming up the
walkway.

Dren smiles JOVIALLY.

DREN
Greetings, Trusted Lieutenant! What
good news doth my noble Lord bring
hither?
Charlie stops, PERPLEXED.
CHARLIE
Sir?

DREN
What do you want?
The two descend the gangplank and begin crossing the
chemical storage yard.
CHARLIE
Chang the Bounty Hunter has
recovered from his wound.

DREN
Oh great, now he’s gonna want to be
paid.
CHARLIE
Probably, sir.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 53.

DREN
Well, give him double his asking
price. That was the agreement.
CHARLIE
Really, my Lord?
DREN
Of course, Charlie. Then follow him
and find out where he keeps his
money and rob him.

Charlie smiles.
CHARLIE
Right, sir.

Dren and Charlie reach the backdoor of the FORTRESS.

DREN
Is that all? I can’t imagine you’d
come all the way out here just to
tell me that.

They enter the fortress.

INT. FORTRESS MALEVORA, MAIN CORRIDOR - DAY

As they walk side-by-side down the main hallway of the

fortress, Charlie gives his report.
CHARLIE
Sir, General Freya’s troops are
losing the battle of Argyle. I
recommend we send another Battalion
of Terror, my Lord.
Dren looks at Charlie, slightly SURPRISED.
Charlie looks back, WORRIED that Dren won’t believe him.

DREN
What? We cannot be losing, Charlie!
I am The Infamous! Empires crumble
before me! - Nah, I’m just kidding.
Send another Battalion. You’re my
Trusted Lieutenant. I suppose I
should believe you.
Charlie’s CRINGE of fear is replaced by a nervous laugh.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 54.

CHARLIE
Of course, sir.

They enter the throneroom.

INT. FORTRESS THRONEROOM - DAY

There are about two dozen petitioners waiting.

DREN
What about the Oracle? Did we find
her yet?
Dren crosses the room to take his throne.

CHARLIE
Yes, my Lord. She is in the women’s
block of your dungeon. One of the
guards handed me this.

Charlie hands Dren the Oracle’s QUILL.

DREN
What the bloody hell is this?
Dren holds it with two fingers.

CHARLIE
Unsure, sir. But she tried to grab
it on the way out.
Dren nods THOUGHTFULLY.

DREN
Right. Could be the source of her
power, or maybe a charmed artifact
she could use to escape, or perhaps
even a powerful weapon of some
kind.
CHARLIE
Or it could be a quill, my Lord.

Dren looks sideways at Charlie before SNAPPING the quill in

half.
DREN
Just to be safe. If that’s all,
Charlie, send me Adviser number
two. Number one tripped and fell
into a vat of toxic chemicals.
Charlie heads for the exit, shaking his head.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 55.

CHARLIE
He should’ve been more careful.
DREN
I know, right? That’s what I said.
People just don’t listen.

Dren turns to the hushed, frightened peasants.

DREN
What do you lot want?

Before a fat old lady can speak, a half a dozen guards BURST
through the doors with FOUR stereotypical COMIC relief
characters, their hands bound behind them.
GUARD GALLABOB
My Lord, as you have commanded, we
have sought out and brought before
you the Clumsy Squire, Bumbling
Conjurer, Cowardly Thief, and
No-Talent Bard.

The BARD, 43, glances back at Guard Gallabob with RESENTMENT

and INDIGNATION.
BARD
Hey! I have talent.

The guards force the comedic characters to their knees

before the Overlord.
Overlord Dren GRINS maniacally as he stands, drawing a
sword.

DREN
Good work, Gallabob. So, you funny
blokes think you can just ride the
coat tails of true heroes, do you?

Bravely, the bumbling conjurer lifts his chin in DEFIANCE.

CONJURER
I curse you with a thousand--!
Dren IMPALES his throat with his sword.

The guards chuckle while the petitioners and prisoners GASP

in horror.
DREN
Sorry, what was that? You seem to
have something in your throat.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 56.

The conjurer chokes and gags on BLOOD.

This is when Adviser two, TORLOFF, 50, enters.
DREN
A thousand gold coins? A thousand
years of good health? A thousand
buscuits? I could use one or two, I
am a bit peckish. Here, let me help
you with that.

Dren WHIPS the sword out and the conjurer falls backwards
DEAD.
Everyone just stares in SHOCK and AWE.
DREN
One disadvantage to having to say
your spells aloud for them to work
is it gives the enemy plenty of
time to impale you in the neck with
a sword.

The fat old lady FAINTS.

DREN
Gallabob would you take care of
that?

Gallabob nods and moves to see to the old lady.

THIEF (QUIVERING)
With all due respect, most
wonderful and (beat) swift
Overlord, we have done nothing
wrong. Why have you detained us?
DREN
Because you lot are the type to
join a hero on a quest to destroy
me, merely to have an adventure.
Surely, if I preemptively execute
you, the heroes would have no
source of comic relief and go home.
Dren nods to the guards behind them.

The guards collect the three living, PROTESTING men.

Torloff the adviser goes up to Dren, who is cleaning his
sword on the conjurer’s robe.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 57.

TARLOFF
My Liege, am I to presume you speak
of Hawkeye Hero, the deadliest
archer in all of Malevora?

Dren sits down on his throne after sheathing the sword.

DREN
No you are not. Because I killed
Hawkeye three years ago. It is his
brother, the Paladin -Dane- Hero.
God, how I loathe the name.
TARLOFF
Yes, my Liege. What kind of
presumptuous jerk has the surname
Hero?

Dren narrows his eyes at Tarloff and then shakes his head
DISMISSIVELY as his mind delves into MURDEROUS thoughts of
CONTEMPT.
DREN
No, I loathe the name Dane. "Dane."
It could mean a man from Denmark,
or a big dog (beat) from Denmark,
or even a comedian who should have
his throat cut for not being funny
at all. Who names their son "Dane?"

Tarloff shrugs.
TARLOFF
Who names their son "Hawkeye?"

Still in his murderous thoughts, Dren replies off-handedly.

DREN
It’s a nickname.

TARLOFF
Oh?
Dren turns his murderous thoughts onto Tarloff, who is
completely unaware he is now the target.

DREN
Yes, Tarloff. He was an archer? The
best in the land? Well, second only
to Legless.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 58.

TARLOFF
I see, my Liege. Whatever happened
to old Legless?
DREN
I cut off his legs.
TARLOFF
Of course, sir.
Dren shakes his head in DISGUST at the thought of Dane
Hero’s heroism.
DREN
Dane Hero won’t buy my lie for too
much longer. By Christmas, he’ll
know I’m still an Evil Overlord,
and then he’ll come for me.
Tarloff SCOFFS laughter.
TARLOFF
My Liege, he is but one man! What
can one man possibly do?
Dren stands up, turns, and draws his sword.
DREN
This.

Dren STABS Tarloff in the gut.

Tarloff CLENCHES his blood-gushing gut, a look of TERROR and
AGONY on his face.

Dren stares ANGRILY at him for a moment before leaving.

INT. FORTRESS DUNGEON - NIGHT

The Oracle sits in her dungeon cell, SHIVERING from cold.

Dren walks up to her cell.

DREN
I hear you have the power to see
the future.
The Oracle slowly and laboriously gets to her feet and walks
to the cell bars.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 59.

ORACLE
I do, good sir, but I must have my
crystal ball...
The Oracle tries to hide her DEVIOUS smirk.

ORACLE
...and my--
DREN
This?

Dren shows the Oracle her broken quill.

The Oracle GASPS, both SURPRISED and HOPELESS.
DREN
I’m surprised as well. I thought
quills were supposed to be
flexible.
The Oracle turns to go sit down at the back of the cell
again.

ORACLE
You have destroyed my only weapon
against thee, Master Dren. I am
yours to command.

Dren nods.
DREN
Right then, I’ll just pop off and
fetch your ball.

He turns to leave.

INT. FORTRESS THRONEROOM - NIGHT

Dren is sitting on his throne, petting his pet Yilia, who is

DOZING.
The corpses of the conjurer and adviser two remain.
Adviser number three, GREG is standing there, looking
FEARFULLY at the corpses.
Charlie enters.
CHARLIE
My Lord, it is late. What are you
still doing up?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 60.

Yilia awakens ANNOYED at the sound of Charlie’s voice.

Dren sighs.
DREN
Awaiting some henchmen. They’re
supposed to bring me the Oracle’s
orb.
Charlie nods.

CHARLIE
I see, my Lord.
That’s when Crowder, Vincent, and Guards 1 and 2 enter
EMPTY-HANDED.

Dren is not in the least bit surprised; his face is BLANK.

Vincent gets on one knee when addressing the Overlord.
VINCENT
My King, we have failed to locate
and bring to you the crystal orb
you have sent us to locate and
bring to you.
DREN
You don’t say?

Crowder gets on one knee.

CROWDER
Sir, it was their fault. They
couldn’t remember where it rolled
to after the Oracle threw it at
them.
Dren continues just staring at them with an UNAMUSED, TIRED
eyes.

GUARD 1
A thousand apologies my Lord.
Dren SNARLS at the mention of a thousand anything.

DREN
Isn’t her shanty like the size of
that curtain?
He gestures to a moderately-sized curtain hanging in front
of a window.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 61.

GUARD 1
Yes, sir. Shall we go forth once
more and seek the orb of fortune?
Dren sighs and dismisses them with a wave.

Yilia is GLARING at them with disappointment and irritation.

DREN
No, no. I wouldn’t want you to fail
again. I’d have to execute you for
gross negligence and incompitence.
Just (beat) go away.
Guard 1 begins backing away.
GUARD 1
A thousand apologies my Lord.
Crowder and Vincent also begin backing away FEARFULLY.
VINCENT
A thousand apologies, great King.
CROWDER
We’re really sorry--
Dren draws his six-shooter FURIOUSLY.

DREN
Go away!
The four men BOLT for the exit.

INT. FORTRESS CREMATORIUM - NIGHT

An extremly THIN, tall balding man, BURNEM, 47, wears a GAS
MASK as he is rolling corpses into a BLAZING furnace.

On the back of his black jacket reads, "CREMATORIUM

CORONER."
Burnem checks off another corpse on his CLIPBOARD and rolls
the next one into the furnace.

When he turns to the next corpse, it is no longer there.

SHOCKED and AFRAID, he spins around to look for the corpse.
Burnem finds STEPHAN, head re-attached and eyes GLOWING
green, standing there, reaching for him.

CUT TO BLACK.