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IN TODAY'S PAPER
Front Page
Nation
Calcutta
Bengal DANGEROUS LIAISONS
Opinion - 62 per cent of Calcuttans feel extra-marital affairs are no big
International
Business deal
Sports A Telegraph-Mode survey reveals that adultery is on the rise in Calcutta, reports Vishnupriya
CITY NEWSLINES Sengupta
Calcutta A year ago, housewife Nilima Saha, 32, logged on to her
North East computer to enter a cyber chat room. A man ' married and
WEEKLY FEATURES living in Mumbai ' sparked her interest. They started a
private conversation. After a few weeks of intense,
Look personal exchanges, they took to meeting whenever he
ARCHIVES came down to Calcutta on the pretext of work. The saga of
Since 1st March, 1999 clandestine meetings continued for 10 months. ?That was
 
the stupid part,? rues Saha. ?I knew what I was getting into,
but I didn?t get out of it without getting hurt.? Her
THE TELEGRAPH paramour?s gaze has shifted while Saha has settled for her
- About Us husband, at least for the time being.
- Advertise
- Feedback Madhumita Banerjee, 40, once used to enjoy living life on
- Contact Us the edge. Committing adultery was her forte. But her world
 
turned topsy turvy once she met Ravi, 10 years younger
than her. Initially, it was fun but when Ravi insisted on meeting even when her husband, a
  marine engineer, was in town, she started pressing the panic button. It didn?t stop there. He
started blackmailing her. Today she has been reduced to a hypertensive woman in need of
psychiatric help.

When adultery came Rakesh Malhotra?s way, he didn?t even see it coming. ?One of my
colleagues and I just developed this friendship. Initially, we enjoyed talking to each other, at
times even flirting. We talked for four months before anything sexual happened,? he recalls.
But now his colleague has moved to Mumbai. So he is, somewhat reluctantly, back to playing
a devoted husband.

Journalist Basab Dutta, 38, recently married a school teacher, Moyna. While Basab is
hopelessly devoted to her, she has multiple partners. ?It is a borderline personality disorder,?
says Dutta. He has started keeping tabs on her. With her home reduced to a prisonhouse,
Moyna is now suffering from acute depression.

This is kahaani ghar ghar ki in Calcutta. Adultery is on the rise in the city ' and the figures
are alarming. According to a Telegraph-MODE survey of a sample of 100 people in the 30-
45 age group, 44 per cent of those married for less than five years have had extra-marital
affairs. Psychiatrist Ashim Chatterjee, associated with Mon, a psychiatric nursing home in
Calcutta, points out that extra-marital affairs among the educated, urban population in the
city have gone up by more than 50 per cent in the last five years. ?And this percentage,? he
explains, ?takes into account only those who seek psychiatric help on account of adultery
either committed by them or their spouses.?

A leitmotif in most of the soppy TV soaps, adultery seems to have tacit social sanction in
the city today. Technological advancements ' SMS, MMS, virtual chatrooms ' have
removed time and space constraints. Nuclear families, odd working hours for both men
and women, and accessibility and exposure to the world outside the four walls have added
to the galloping infidelity statistics.

?Free mixing and proximity to members of the opposite sex contribute to the allure of a
secret liaison,? contends Gitanath Ganguly, senior lawyer and executive chairman, Legal
Aids Services, West Bengal. ?The increase in adultery has led to an escalation in
matrimonial disputes. As a society, we give lip service to monogamy ' but we have now
come to undermine it. We call it ?extra-marital gallivanting? at our counselling centre. It
starts out as a fling and then looms large as a crisis, once the individuals cross the
threshold of taboos.?

The survey?s findings also corroborate the growing acceptance of adultery. About 62 per
cent believe that extra-marital affairs are no big deal while 54 per cent think it is but
natural for married men and women to be attracted to members of the opposite sex.

Couples often share a tacit understanding that they will not step on each other?s toes.
They go by the live-and-let-live adage. ?A breakdown of communication or rather the lack
of it is also responsible for the escalating figures,? says consultant psychiatrist Aniruddha
Deb. No questions are asked, no answers are sought by either spouse. ?That is because
marriage has lost its sanctity and there has been an erosion of values,? says actress
Roopa Ganguly. ?The tolerance level has gone down, people?s expectations have
increased and so has the level of dissatisfaction.?

She underlines another important reason ' the fact that sex is no longer connected to
morality. ?It?s more of a need. If that remains unfulfilled, both men and women stray.
Earlier, for most women, sex was never an issue. They were conditioned to believe sex
was not an important aspect of life. But not any more.?

Irrespective of the nature of the affair, nearly all extra-marital affairs follow very specific
patterns. Family researchers point out stage one is usually the talking stage when there?s
a spark. Stage two is when it is kept a secret. The third stage involves having lunch
together or watching a movie. That is the dating phase. And finally the fourth has the two
engaged in an intense sexual and emotional liaison.

These stages combine four main factors ' security, safety, stability and secrecy ' which
determine the longevity of an extra-marital affair. Whenever there is a question mark on
any one factor, trouble brews. As was the case with Madhumita Banerjee who felt insecure
when Ravi started making unnecessary demands.

Crisis looms when the cheating partners reach the fourth stage. That was the case with a
28-year-old housewife who approached Ashim Chatterjee for counselling. ?She had had a
severe attack of depression. On the face of it, she looked happily married; her husband
seemed very broadminded and caring. It was only after a series of gruelling sessions with
her that I discovered that the root cause of the depression was her paramour?s transfer to
another city,? he recounts.

It isn?t as though infidelity was non-existent in the past, as actress Moonmoon Sen points
out, a trifle indignantly. But in most cases, it contained an element of romanticism. This is
no longer the case, at least not in a majority of extra-marital affairs. For many, an affair is
a part of life and evokes no guilt pangs. Explains Saswati Mukherjee, a paediatrician
associated with Bhagirathi Neotia Woman and Child Care Centre on Rawdon Street, ?
Today an affair is a casual matter, nothing worth remembering. It isn?t about liking your
paramour more than your spouse, it?s just a matter of convenience.?

However, even today, the consequences of infidelity can be disastrous. The larger human
element muddies the script as it did in the case of Sandipan Ray, a pharmacologist. He
married a woman who seemed, at that point of time, like a ?babe in the woods?. But Ray
later discovered, much to his dismay, that his wife had a fondness for other men. He
continued to give in to her whims and shower her with gifts, hoping she?d change. Instead,
she staged a walk out, another guy in tow.

Ray now seeks revenge through other women whom he, Telegraph-Mode survey
in turn, takes for a ride using his sob story of unrequited
love as a ploy. But he doesn?t stick to one woman for Do you think marriage has
long. His objective is simple. ?I only want to have fun, no lost its sanctity'
strings attached. I was conned, now it?s my turn to play Yes 42% No 58%
the conman.? Is it natural for married men and
women to be
Ray is no exception. There are many who, once betrayed, attracted to those of the opposite
take to philandering. ?This attitude can only lead to a sex ? may be at their place of work
further loss of self,? cautions Aniruddha Deb. Rather than or elsewhere'
harbouring ill-feelings and suffering from low self- Yes 54% No 46%
esteem, it is important to draw on one?s strengths and
create a life of fulfilment, which is independent of the Extra-marital affairs are no big
deal. Do you agree'
partner.?
Yes 62% No 38%

Susmita Sanyal did just that when her husband left her Have you had an affair with
for another woman. ?Initially, she was devastated. But anyone in the recent past or are
gradually, through counselling sessions, she came to you having one at present'
terms with the situation and is now coming into her own,? Yes 17% No 83%
recounts Deb. Today, the two are separated but are not
divorced. The husband is living with his girlfriend while How many years had you been
the wife stays alone. married when you had an affair'

Under five years 44%

That happens in a majority of cases. Most couples shy
Five-10 years 33%
away from divorce on grounds of infidelity. ?Infidelity is More than 10 years 22%
difficult to prove in a court of law. People are hardly given
to admitting it,? says Gitanath Ganguly. Small wonder, (Mode polled 100 people in the age
then, that the survey shows 83 per cent denying having group of 30-45 )
ever had an affair.

Satya Sundar Sarangi, member of the Supreme Court Bar Association and life member of
Indian Council of Arbitration, agrees, adding, ?Although there has been a 50 per cent rise in
cases of matrimonial disputes ' in South 24 Parganas alone, in 2004-2005, this figure was
2,000, while three years ago, it was 1,000 and before that, it bordered on 600-700 ' these
are criminal matrimonial cases.?

At times couples rule out divorce if there are children involved or, for that matter, property
matters. They, then, prefer to run the extra-marital affair on a parallel track. Roopa Ganguly
feels that is fair on the children. ?On many occasions, I see married couples who do not
get along having affairs. But they maintain the decorum of marriage for the sake of the
child, which may be wrong on moral grounds. But I feel it is justified on practical grounds.?

It seems, then, that in today?s context, infidelity is the flip side of technical advancements
and a fast-paced lifestyle where marriage is more of a contract than a commitment. The
bottomline ' as Deb puts it ' is that you must nurture and prioritise your relationship with
your spouse. Or else you may just end up as yet another infidelity statistic.
(Some names have been changed)'

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