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A WOMAN AT BAY
! UNA DONNA)
BY
SIBILLA A LERAMO
‘
A U fH O R I S E D
'
T RA LAT I O
NS N FR O M T H E I TA L I A N BY
H LANSDALE
.
'
c P PUTNAM S SON S
’
. .
N EW YORK AND LO N DO N
! t he k n tcher boche t p ress
‘
A WOMAN AT BAY
! UNA DONNA)
BY
SIBILLA A LERAMO
‘
.
A U TH ORI SE D T RA LAT I O
NS N F R OM THE I TA L I A N BY
0 P PUTNA M S SON S
’
. .
NEW Y RKO A ND O ON
L ND
! t he Rn tcke t bo che t p re ss
‘
1 908
C OPYR I G HT , 1 968
P U T N AM S
’
! P S ON S
f . .
t he k n icker bo éhet m mm , ot h
P UB L I SH ER S N OT E
’
A Wo m
an at ib illaB ay i s an E n glish t r an s a l ti on of S
Al m U D a a
era o s
’
l wh i h hna p t i t onn n o ve c as b een u n o
h G m
,
F re nc R i S p i h d S w d i h d wh i h
er an , uss an , an s an e s an c
md wh it pp d i t h l di g I t l i mag i
, , ,
a e, en a e ar e n e ea n a an az n e ,
N v
no A t l gia
a p f u d im
n o o
p i p th pub l i a ro o n re ss o n u on e c,
t m t f v h m t di u i
,
an d wa s a s or Th -c e l n re or e e en sc ss o n . e n o ve
w ith if pt C a wa
’
pu p a r Th F
o se , ! Gli o ne e x ce en s e or e r ne r s
Ai n m it m )
on d F g
o
’
Th S i t ! I l S
an t ) o w az z ar o s
’
e a n an a , no
sc ar c ely i t i I t ly wh t h p pul
ex s s n li t a e re e o ar n o ve s s ar e c o n
t t t mk f ithful t
,
en o a e ipt f i t t i b g i
a r ansc r s o ar s o c r a c, o ur e o s,
or p t l if ; b t t h i m i g t y b l g t t h t l
e asan e u s ov n s or e on s o a c ass
o f fi ti c It i i t h f m f
on t b i g ph y f y g
s n e or o a n au o o ra o a o un
w m wh p f mt h b t l i i g y k
.
o an k t o see s o fae sc a e ro e ru a s n o e o
m t wh mt h
an o ity ft h I t li l w g di g di
o e se ve r o e a an a re ar n vo r c e
bi d h
n s er
t h f A W m t B y wh
.
Of t h e au or o h id o an a a o sc r e e ns er en
m f Sib ill Al m M i P t
,
t ity d t h p
un er e e n -n a e o a e ra o ar a as o r e
h i ! w it i g i P t m
,
M d Th R d
’
ucc r n ! ly 9 8 )
n u na s an e ea e r , u , 1 0
say s
“
A mg ti a ne c an d ge n a w o il m h l f Sib ill Al m
an e r se a er a o
h m ity
,
i n fuse s u an an d e n e r gy i t t h h t f th w h
n o e e ar s o o se o
appr o ac h Sh e i s an a o s e o
her . e as c s e no p tl f id wh i h h t ,
o nl y spr e ads i n w r ng b u a so u s n o ac u a it i
r ac ce , t l p t i t t l p ti ,
it
w h an e n igh e n e d an d l t
r ac c a r o a an a es es p t i l p p g d B id .
t h s, wi h o u spe a n g o f it t o an y o n e ! an d I r eco r d t h is
i t t ki
m
fo r t h e fir st t i e ) , at Ro e , wh er e sh e ve s sh e gives h er
li m
i fi m h il d
,
servi f ly t
c es a h pi t al f
r ee a d l ik
o os or n r c ren , n e
m ial mth
.
,
th p t ag i t
e ro f h v l ha b
on s o er no e s eco e a soc o er
W ith th R m l adi
.
,
o erh h a i t it t d
o l S dy
an es s e s ns u e sec u ar un a
sch l i t h
oo s R m Cn m p g
— f e tik d t o an a a na a e ve r -s r c en e se r
in
P ub l ish e r
’
s N o te
wh e re t h e nomdi p a c e asan t s, a b l t l y ig
so u e n o r an t an d de
pr i ve d o fa lm t l l t h
os a e n e c e ssar e s o i f l if l i e, ve i n pr e h is t ior c
hu s t
m th mth i
.
“
Th i s wo an en , h as b e fo r e h er so e ngfix e d pr e
m k fh
, ,
c ise , wh i ch i s t h e di s t ti i
n g u sh i n g ar o er c h ar ac e r , an d
is see n i h t d l igh t t mti

n e r ac s an Sh p t t h i m s es o o ns . e u s e
p i t fh
r n p o l ityer ll th t h t
e r so n a h d on a a s e o uc e s, an e ve n
in h l t imp t t w iti g d
er e as t f il t
o r an h w th r n s o es n o a o s o e
f t il
er i ue f h
se r o l if A m
sne ss o t did er e an n e r a o n ce c an
h m i
.
,
t h gh tf l
ou d g u an p f tl y wi th
r ave , f ar o n se s r e ec a ac e
immdi t ly b y it mp lli g d g tl
,
th t t ik
a s r es o n e e a e s co e n an en e
se r e nit y A w d B h m i h t i h ttl d
n avo e o e an , s e as o n s es se e
w m
o b ll th
e n , a o ve a wh t y t pp d t m wh t
o se o r o a e ar se a e , co e a
w ill ; b t h iu w m er e p bl fh
s a i fi t dg t o an c a a e o ero c e o r s an rea
d d
ee w h il
s, f th th e o m t k th i g t h t t
e o e rs o ne us as no n a r an
sc e n d th i s g l e r f l if
re u ar c o ur se o e
W my h p th
‘
e a th t if o i ge, ti gi en a suc c ess v e en e ra o ns ve
th m
,
us e f th i i ili ti b y th i ttit d t w d
e asur e o e r c v sa on e r a u e o ar
w m h
o an d t h w k f th i
oo w D i t im w ill
e or t ly b o s ne o a no on e
mi p y h l gi d m t f
,
p l ifi
ro f g d b t w ill
c o oo , u re an a s c o o c ocu en o
th fi t
e k c
rs i g t h I t li l if f d y
r an o n c e rn n e a an e o o ur a .
CO NTENTS
an n e x P AG E
I .
—CH I L D H OO D
II .
—W E M O V E THE SOU TH
TO
I II — T H S H AD O W O THE H OU S E
. E N
IV A EN GAG E M E T
.
-
N N
V — M A RR I E D L I F E
.
VI — T R A G E D A N H O E
. Y D P
VI I — MO THE R H OO D
.
V I I I —A I T R U D E R
. N N
IX .
—FL re n r
X .
—A Cu s i s
XL — T n a B OO K
X II .
-
AN I N TE RL U D E
XII I .
—R E N AI SS A N C E
X IV . U R N I N THE RO AD
-
AT
X V —AV E R O M A !
.
X V I — Lr F E s K A L E I D O S C O P E
’
.
X V I I —TH E I R O N Y OF FO R T U N E
.
C o n t e n ts
C H A PT E R P AG E
X V I I I —S U RR E N D E R
.
X IX P ROB L E M S
.
-
XX . AH AS E
N EW P
X X L— TH D E CI S I O E N .
XXII — R E S U RG E N CE
.
A W o m an at B ay
I
C H I L D H OO D
Y childh ood was free and health y It .
woul d be useless to attempt to li ve it

o ver again to t r y to make it sparkle as Of o ld
before m y i magination I can se e the child that
.
was I at six years Of a ge at ten but as though I

, ,
had dreamed her A lovel y dream which the

.
faintest recall to the present instantl y dispels .
It is like music too perhaps a delicate V ibrant

, , , ,
harmon y ; and like a great enfolding light ; an d

there is the j o y st ill v i v id Of remembering it
, , .
Fo r ho w long in the black period Of m

, y life ,
did I look back upon its dawn as upon something

perfect as representing real happiness ! N OW
, ,
with eyes that se e more clearl y I can distinguish ,
even in m y ver y earliest years the presence Of

vague shadows and I realise that even as a chil d
,
2 A Wo m an at B ay
I c o ul d ne ver have felt m yself t o be absolutel y

happy Not unh app y either ; free an d healthy
.
, ,
yes this much I must have been consci o us o f

, .
I was the el d est child and I freel y made use Of

the fact to exe rt m y author i t y o v e r my two little
sisters and m y brother My father showed his
.
preference for me openl y a nd I c ould se e that it

,
was his in te n tion to bestow e ve ry c are upon my

tra ining I was strong gr aceful in telligent
.
, ,
so I was told— an d I had to ys and sweets an d

books and a little garden o f m y o wn My m o
. ther
n ever Opposed me in anything F in ally my ,
playmates volun tarily sub m

.
i tte d th e ms e l ve s to
my leadership .
M y lo ve for my fathe r c ompl e tely d o mi n ate d

me I liked mamma but papa was the Object Of
.
,
an adoration which had n o limits This dist in o

.
tion I was con sc i ous Of though I n e ver had t h e

,
courage to in quire i nto the cause H e was t h e

.
glorious patte rn upon wh ich all my small per

so n ali t y modelle d i tself and he represente d to
,
me t h e embodiment Of the beauty Of life Th e .
spell which he cast upo n e very o n e about h i m I

inst inct ivel y regarded as a divine ri ght There .
was no o n e like him ; he knew e ve ryth in g was ,

C h il dho o d 3
always r ight S ide b y side m

.
y hand in his w e
, ,
two walked alone hour after hour up and down

the streets o f the c i ty or outside in the countr y .
I feeling all the while as though I were treading

upon air He told me Of m
.
y gr andpar ents who
had died shortl y after I was born Of his child ,
hood Of marvellous boyish adventures Of how

, ,
when he was eight years Ol d he had seen

the French soldiers arrive in his nat ive town O f
“
Turin when there was n o Ital y ye t
, There .
!
was someth ing unreal about a past lik e that ,
ye t there he was b y m y s i de with his tall

, ,
active figure his r apid movements h is head

, ,
hel d prou dl y erect and that triumphant smile of

youth A t such moments the future seemed to
me to teem with possibilities Of adventure
.
My father directe d m y reading and m y studies

wi thout making me work very har d Wh en m y .
school mi stresses sometimes v isited the house th e y

-
l i sten ed to him ad m iringl y an d as it seemed to

,
me with a touch Of surprise an d defere nce A t

,
.
school I stoo d near the head Of m y classes an d ,
occas i onall y there aro se a faint suspicion that I

mi ght perhaps be a p ri v ileged scholar From
, ,
.
the t i me that I was in the very lowest gr ades ,

4 A Wo man at B ay
noticing t h e c o ntrast in the way in which we were

dre sse d and in the contents Of o ur lun ch baskets -
,
I was able t o form a pretty shrewd idea Of what

the famili e s of most Of m y companio n s must be
like ; families Of operatives groun d down with
toil and Of small shopkeepers
,
Then when I
.
,
went home I would not i ce the sh in in g door plate

,
-
whereo n was m y father s n am e p re c ed ed by

’
a title .
I was onl y five years Old whe n m y father who ,
was a professor Of science in the ugl y little town

where I w as born threw up his appo intment
,
in a fit o f anno yance and went into busin ess

with o n e Of his brothers in law the prop ri etor Of
- -
,
a large commercial house at Milan Even I could .
se e that he was not altogether happ y in his new
oc cupation When he would come home on some

.
half holiday and settle down in the rather dis

-
orderl y l i ttl e ro o m where he kept h i s apparatus fo r

mak in g expe rime n ts in che m i st ry and ph ys ics ,
I un derst oo d that i t w as there and there onl y that

he felt tho ro ughl y at home And what a mul t i
.
tude Of th ings m y father must ha v e taught me !

Without be in g impo rtunate my curios i t y was
li vel y e nough to lend a keen flavour to ex i stenc e .
6 A Wo m an at B ay
was awa y To me i t seeme d as th o ugh p ap a wer e

.
alwa ys in the r i ght rather than sh e .
I thought this e ven when h e ga ve way as h e ,
sometimes d id to tremendous e xplos i ons Of an ger

, ,
explos i ons wh ich made all o f us tremble and

pl unged m e in to a conditio n o f utt e r and unspeak
able misery Mamma with difficulty suppr essing

.
,
‘
her tears would take r e fuge in her r oo m O ften

, .
in my father s presenc e sh e wore a n anx i ous

’
,
almost frightened express i on W hile not wi th m

, , e
only but w ith the other ch ildren as we ll all i dea

, ,
o f parental author i ty w as c e n tred in papa .
N o serious disputes e ver occurre d between o ur

parents in t h e pre sence Of us ch il dren ; oc c asionally
w e woul d o ve rh e ar a few hasty words a caustic ,
reproof o r a sharp ord er o r at the worst my , ,
father s n atur all y hot temper would get the bet

’
ter o f him o ver some p i ece Of carelessness o n t h e

servants part o r some naughtin ess Of ours N O
’
.
matter what it was howe ver mamma always

, ,
seemed to be to blame ; then her hea d would

d roop as though sh e were suddenl y o verpowered
b y fat i gue o r sh e woul d give a certa in sm il e
,
wh i ch I c oul d not bear because it distorted the

usuall y resign ed expression Of her p retty mouth .
Chil dho o d 7
Was sh e at such t imes rec al lin g memories Of the

past ?
She hardl y ever spoke to me Of her childh ood
her youth but from the little I did gather I recon
,
structed a picture considerabl y less in terest in g

than that evoked b y m y father s remi niscences
’
.
She was born it appeared in the extremel y mod

, ,
est househol d o fan emplo yee and l ike m y paternal

,
gr andmother her mother had a great man y chil d

,
r e n most
,
o f whom were s t ill livin g scattered ,
about in di fferent parts Of the world She must .
have gr own up amidst man y pri vations a nd with

very little a ffection the C inderell a Of the establish
,
ment Whe n sh e was twent y years Old sh e met

.
my father at a dance She once showed me a

.
pictur e o f the beardl ess youth that m y father

was at that time his features st ill wearing the
,
smooth regul ar curves Of bo yhood the e yes alon e

, ,
as ye t betrayin g the ex i stence Of an i ron will It .
was the n ext to the last year Of h i s un iversit y

c our se H ardl y had he taken h i s degr ee when
.
he was given a chair and the y were married .
I was born before the fir st year after the ir mar

r i age ha d elapsed Mamma s pure pale features
’
.
used to li ght up o n the rare occasions when sh e

8 A Wo m an at B ay
allu d ed t o this t i me to the coupl e Of furni she d

,
rooms Of those first months o f he r married life .
Wh y could sh e not always be animated like that ?

Wh y was sh e so prone to tears when papa hated
the sight Of them ? And why d id sh e generall y
express Opinions con trary t o his when indeed , ,
sh e dared to express an y at all ? Wh y too was , ,
sh e so little feared b y us ch i ldren and so seldom
obe yed ? Like papa sh e too sometimes ga ve way , ,
t o fits Of anger but it w as more as though sh e

‘
were possessed b y some thing sh e had tried too

long to suppress I used to have the impression
.
that m y father s outbursts even the most violent

’
,
Of them were natural inherent to his tempera

, ,
ment whereas mamma s ill temper alwa ys di

,
’
-
,
r e c t e d a g ainst us or the chamber maid were in -

,
doleful contrast to her usuall y sweet disposition ;

the y were lik e spasmodic attacks Of some sort
which sh e was cons c ious Of at t h e time and felt
sorry fo r .
How Often have I seen m y mother s beaut i ful

’
,
deep black e yes glisten w ith unshed tears ! A

,
feeling Of intense discomfort used to rise up i n me

at the sight It was not pity exactl y nor grief
. , ,
nor ye t e mbarrassment ; rather it was a gn awing

C hil dh o o d 9
sen se o f an ger at m y own impotence at the ,i m

possibility o f makin g things not happen that were
going to happen Wh at thin g s ? I hardl y knew
. .
I was about eight years Old when I began to have

a strange apprehension that mine was not a rea “
mamm a that is not like the mamm

, as I read about
in m y sto ry books whos e love for their little g irls
-
,
enfolded these latter in an atmosphere Of ineffable

tenderness and j o y g i vin g them the sense Of never
,
failin g care and watchfulness Two o r three years

.
after the dawnin g Of this dread there succeeded a

consc i ousn e ss that I was not abl e to love m y
mother as in m
, y heart I would hav e liked to
,
.
This it was undoubtedl y that prevented me from

, ,
guess ing the real cause Of the vague shadow that

always hung over o ur house and so Often chilled
o ur laughter before it had time to pass o ur lips .
Oh i f onl y once I coul d throw m

, y arms around
her neck with absolute abandonment feel m y self
,
understood promise to take care o f her when I

,
sho uld grow big enter into an agr eement Of m

, u
tual a ffection with her as I had tacitl y done with

papa from time immemorial !
She admir ed me in s ilence regarding me with
,
someth in g Of the same pri d e which sh e felt for her

1 0 A Wo m
an at B ay
husban d s d arin g an d energy but sh e di sappro ved

’
,
Of the k in d o f e ducation to which I was d evoting

myself w ith so much ardour She was afrai d fo r .
me i mag ining doubtless that I woul d grow up

, , ,
d evoid Of sentiment that m y bra i n

,
alone was
bein g de veloped ; ye t she lacked the courage Openl y
to put herself in Opposition to m y father s s ystem
’
.
Even m y fathe r did not t r y reall y to know me ,
an d there we re moments when I felt utterl y al on e ,
moments when m y onl y resource was to bu ry

m yself in the day dreams which constitute d the
-
secret j o y Of m y existen ce .
The chastit y Of the soul was begi nn in g to dawn

within me Side by s ide wi th m
.
y outward exist
ence another secret life hidden from every o n e
, , , ,
w as carv ing out its course And I was conscious .
o f th i s dualism From t h e time Of my first year

.
at s chool I had been wont to Observ e two ent i rely

dive rse aspects Of m y nat ur e A t school eve ry .
o n e thought m e angelic an d in fact I was an ex , ,
em plar y chil d over whos e demure little face a

,
sm ile at once timid an d viv id was co n tinuall y

, , ,
playing ; but no sooner was I in the street than I

,
wo ul d seem to inhale the entire ox ygen Of the

atmosphere ; I would begin to leap up and down
C h i l dh o o d 1 1
and to chatter without stopping to draw breath ,
and when I got home i t was as thou gh an earth

quake had ar ri ved ; instantl y quittin g the ir qui et
games m y brother and sisters would rush to place
themselves unreservedl y under m y autocrat ic rul e .
When the study hour came and it was t i me to

-
prepare m y tasks and lessons I wo ul d with dr aw

to my own little room o r to a corner Of the garde n
and become once more utterl y oblivious o f all
about me completel y taken up with t h e zest Of
,
intell ectual application A t the same time how

.
,
ever I had no particular desire t o excel m

, y school
fellows nor t o win priz es Then at ni ght after
.
, ,
mamma had made me repeat a t iny little prayer

“
in our belo ve d dialect L ord make me gr ow big
, ,
and strong and to be the comfort Of m y parents ,
and had left me in the dark in bed where m , y siste r

,
already lay fast a slee p there would come a feeling

,
Of restfulness Of comfort that was not altogether

,
ph ysic al as thou gh at that moment all wrapp e d

, ,
about b y the shadows the still ness the silence

, , ,
I were actuall y freer than at an y other time

th roughout the entire d ay .
I loved to lie star i ng into the darkn ess ; I was

not afraid Of it because papa had assured me
1 2 A Wo m an at B ay
from the t i me that I was a tin y chil d that the hob

goblin s and w itches Of the fa i ry t al es had never -
“
existed an y more than had the devil I woul d .
go over in m y mind all the little events Of the day ,
se e again m y father s charmin g smile or mamma s

’ ’
hands makin g a g esture Of annoyance and recall ,
my Own sensation Of an ger at some piece Of

stupidity o f o n e Of the children Then I woul d .
begin to think about what was going to happe n

the next day the probable results Of examinations ;
,
Of excur sions new books a n d games frien ds and

, , ,
teacher s to be won o ver .
Mamma made me say m y praye r e ve ry ni ght .
I must pray to Go d .
O ne day at school when I was still i n the secon d

,
elementary class I heard the word Hebrew

,
scornfull y applied to a pale silent little classmate

‘
who sat beside me o n the bench She burst into .
tears and the mi stress on fin ding what the trouble

,
was had uttered a few sharp reproofs

,
The inci .
d ent had filled me with amazement as up to that , ,
time I had known nothing Of di fferen c es Of rac e and

,
religion One o f the teacher s sen tences had par

.
’
t i c ular ly struck me ; sh e had said that ever y form
Of reli g ion c arried man into the presence Of God

I 4 A Wo m
an at B ay
nor did I ever d are to ask— w h y we are in this

world Here the catech ism Of the schools was
.
“
much more satisfying : G od created us God .
sees us from on hi gh God if we are good will take

.
, ,
us up to paradise This life is merel y a passage

. .
!
B ut what extraordinary impo rtance e ve ry o n e

attache d to the passage ! I t seemed to me as
though n o o n e ever reall y thou ght seri ousl y about
hell ye t how afraid every o n e was Of gettin g hurt
, ,
Of fall ing ill Of dying ! For m

, y o wn part I was
incl ined to believe with papa that there was no
hell I ne ver heard either angel o r tempter at
.
my ear ; when I was good it was bec ause I wanted

to be ; when I felt remorse i t was because I kn ew
o f m yself that I ha d done wrong And then .
From mo r n ing to night mamma papa m y teach , ,
ers the workmen o n the street eve ryb o d y in

, , ,
fact even the ri ch impo rtant people th o se who

, , ,
earned an d those who spent were all pr e o ccu ,
pied wi th the selfsame question the question of ,
food to eat And wh y did they want food to

.
eat ? SO as not to die The weeks a nd months

'
and years go b y and then yo u die It .
wo ul d be just the same with m y brothe r with m y ,
sisters with me , .
C hil dho o d I
5
The subject wearied me I woul d feel sleep .
creeping over me ye t the morrow woul d bring

,
the same fruitless po n de r in gs To kn ow to .

,
know ! In m y semiconsciousness words charg e d

with mysterious meaning would surge throu gh
my brain “
Progress “
U niverse ,
!
,
“
Conscience .These ran g in m y ears till at last
the soun d Of them grew confused Then aga in .
, ,
I woul d remember the compassionate look o n the

faces Of some Of m y teachers I woul d wonder ,
whether mamma went to mass o n Sunday because

she reall y wanted t o o r because Of some strange
dread Of what people might say I recalled the .
fir st and onl y Occasion o n whi ch I had attended

a sermon o n e evening in the month Of May when
, ,
the altar Of the great church had glittered with

candles and lilies The preacher stand ing above
.
,
in the p ul pit waved o n e arm about energeticall y

,
while his sonorous voice d escended upon the

kneeling crowd He told them Of the miracles
.
performed b y one Of the saints and every one

appeared to belie v e him A t the close the organ
.
,
be gan to sound and from o n high invisible , ,
the choir a flood Of sil ver notes began chanting

, ,
the lauds In recall ing this something within

.
me always began to vibrate just as it had at the

time ; I woul d sudd enl y feel an o verpowerin g sad
ness at not kn owing how to pray how to s ing , ,
and more poignant still there would come the

, ,
realisation o f m y loneliness .
I t would fade away again Wh y shoul d I be .
unhapp y ? I was little but I had not wanted to ,
be deceived I woul d grow up and some d ay I

.
woul d know .
B eside me I co uld hear m y little sister s tranquil

’
breathin g Perhaps sh e was dreamin g Of the glass

.
house for her doll which I had promised to give

her if sh e wo ul d leav e me more room in the bed .
I was n o t very clear as to how I was go in g to carry

o ut m y side O f the bargain ! B ut when I
'
sho ul d be grown then I would care even more

.
for m y little brother and sisters I wo ul d never ,
make them c r y an d I would se e that mamma

,
was joyous at last Now however I wante d

.
, ,
to go to sleep M y head felt a littl e tired H o w

. .
delicious it wo ul d be i f a breath Of wind were

to waft me to o n e Of those grassy slopes which in
summer time in t h e country were m
-
, y deli ght ,
.
Far away in the distance I could hear the sound

Of bells hundreds Of bells callin g me
, ,
.
WE M OVE TO TH E SO UT H
NE morn ing while I was wondering W hat

,
would be decided about the prosecution

Of m y studies — I had completed the fifth class
,
I saw m y father enter the house an hour before
his usual time followed b y the Office porter carry

,
in g a box o n his shoulders D ismissing the man .
he lifted me in his arms held me close to his face

,
for a moment put me down again and turnin g to

, ,
my mother who was in terrog ating him with an x

,
ious e yes said : It s ended

“
, I have broken
’
.
with him entir el y A t last I can dr aw a free

.
breath.
!
For some time past the two brothers in law - -
had fo und it ever harder and harder to agree ;

their entirel y Opposite temperaments were alway s
at Odds the one full Of eager initiative the other
, ,
constantl y wishin g to put o n the brakes Papa .
found the tedium and confinement O f the Office

irk some in the extreme and moreover it brought , ,
2 I !
him v ery little material benefit A trifling dif .
ference which had occurred that morning had

provoked a li vel y scene an d the quest i o n Of his
remaining was settled for ever
A t the age of thirty six m y father
-
foun d himself
for the secon d time obliged to begin life o ver again ,
and a g ain it was because o f h i s long ing for new

sensations an d for ind e pen d en c e .
That same day he took m e with him fo r a long
walk I have a confuse d memo ry o f the huge

.
Piazza d Ar m i which we crosse d i n a l i ght au

’
t um n al fog Papa was t al k ing hal f to himself ;

.
,
I co ul d feel my small be in g lifted up in speechless

ecstas y A meri ca A ustralia
.
,
Oh if papa
.
,
reall y wo ul d take us o ut into the world ! He

spoke Of less exc i ting possib ilities as well o f going ,
back to teaching or un de rtakin g the managemen t

,
Of some p rivate estate but whate ver i t was i t was

, ,
always to be someth ing away from Milan The .
cit y which unt il that day I had loved thou gh ,
without ever saying so to myself now seemed ,
to me quite in suppo rtable ; who knew what fresh

enchantments might be a waitin g me elsewhere ?
I seemed suddenly to have a dv ance d in years
and in importance Perhaps m .
y father wo ul d
W e M o ve t o t h e S o ut h 1
9
make me his confid ante Al l thou ght of m .

y
studies disappeared Perhaps I would have to
.
work too help to suppo rt the fam il y

, I fixed .
upon m y fathe r e ye s whi ch mus t ha v e danced

with enthusiasm .
A t home mamma o n the c ontrary appeare d to

, ,
be utterly cast down What was sh e afraid Of ?

.
She was young t o o younger e ven than papa W e

, , , .
ch ildren were all strong an d well Even papa .
must certainl y have hope d to find her a little

more courageous
She did not seem to take co m
.
fo rt even when
a few weeks later a gentleman who wanted to
establish a chemical industry in a small town in
the south o f Ital y O ffered the direction Of it to
my father The latter was undoubtedl y some
.
, ,
what daring to accept a kind Of work to which ,
as a fact he was absolutel y new I t was h is

, .
charm in g smile which had captivated the c ap

i t ali st
. The terms O ffered were very good and
down there the countr y woul d be full Of sunshine .
For t wo o r three years o r so M y father .
ne ver c ared to look very far ahead in to the future .
Fo r the time being he was quite happ y in the

tho ught of t h e ri sk he was taking and so without , ,
20 -
A Wo m an at B ay
pay ing any attention to my mother s trepidations

’
,
he announced that he woul d start in t h e sprin g .
Sun sun ! Wh at floo d s Of dazzling sunshine !

,
E v erything seeme d to sparkle in this land to which

I had come Th e se a was a broad expanse o f
.
sil ver t h e sky an infinit e sm ile resting upon m

, y
head an infin ite blue caress to one to whom the
,
full beauty Of t h e world was n ow revealed fo r the

first time What were t h e green fields Of B rianza
.
o r o f Piedmont ? The northern valle ys o r even ,
the Al ps Of which I had had glimpses i n m

, y earl y
childhoo d o r lo ve l y lakes o r beautiful gardens
, ,
compared with a country so su ffused in li ght ,
wit h those limitless spaces which stretche d awa y

abo ve an d before me with that d eep and ample ,
inhalation o f t h e air an d Of the se a ? M y lungs

drank in with a vidity all that free air that salt y ,
breath I would race up and down in the sun o n

.
the shore and face the wav es asthey curled o n the

sand It seeme d to me at each instant as though
.
I were about to b e transformed into one Of those

great white b irds which I could see skimming
along t h e surface Of t he water and vanishing o n
t h e ho ri z o n Was I n o t like them ?
.
22 A VVO m
an at B ay
after another they sailed in an d the babel O f the

fish e r m e n s voices would Often reach e v en to
’
where I stood I could disting uish the rhythmic

.
c r y Of the men as they d ragged thei r boats up on
the shore .
Go ing d own stairs I wo ul d betake myself to the

-
enormous enclosure near the ra ilroad station, ,
where the factory was goi ng up with astonishing

rapidit y and where papa passed almost all his
time O ccasionall y he woul d give me some small
.
order which I wo ul d execute anxiousl y and with

,
“
the most scrup ul ous exactitude You shall .
help me too later on when everything has become

, , ,
s ystematised You shall be m y secretary i f y o u

.
like .
!
Whereupon a struggle would take place
within me between m y Old tim e timidit y and -
a
n ew born spirit Of aud acit y and independence
-
.
Perhaps m y father was th inking that he woul d

make up to me for cutt ing short m y education .
A feelin g Of pride took hold Of me a dim idea that ,
I was coming into conta c t with life that there was ,
be in g spread before me a spectacle far more v ari e d

an d in teresting than an y book .
I use d to smile at the Operatives at t h e hand ,
some b ro nz e d p e asants who came in fro m t h e

,
3
surr ound ing co un try to Offer themselves as la

bo ur e r s at the y oun g g irls wh o climbed nim
,
bly up the sca f folding carr ying bags of lime o n

their heads I had a s ympathetic interest and
.
curi o sity about all Of them and woul d repeat their

picturesque so un ding surnames to m
-
y brother
and sisters wondering all the time if I should
,
e ver hav e the courage to tre at them as a

mistress in t h e way that I treated o ur maid
se rvant .
Papa ye s He showed himself a bor n com

, .
man de r— uny i eld in g omn i present a marvel Of

, ,
acti vity and energy When mamma and we ch ild

.
ren woul d sometimes g o o ut with him for a little

while in the even i ng after d inner and walk along
, ,
the ma in street Of the town the people used to,
watch us from their door steps with a mi xture Of

-
admir at i on and awe They said mamma had a

.
Madon n a fa c e and fe m i n in e voices wo uld Often

mur mur bless in gs upon her and upon her ch ildren
as sh e passe d She would thank them with her
.
gen tle smile ; a small slight creature almost hum

,
bly clad .A t suc h times i t seemed to me that

even sh e was content a n d a look almost Of rever
ence wo ul d co m
,
e in to h e r e yes fo r th i s c o mpani o n
24 A Wo m an at B ay
Of hers endowed as i t appeared wi th ye t another

, , ,
charm .
I remember a photogr aph Of me take n a year

later I was already regularl y employed at the
.
facto ry and had adopte d a h yb ri d costume consist

ing o f a straight cut j acket w i th a mul titude o f
-
pockets for m y watch m y pencil m y note books

-
, , ,
and a short skirt My hair cut short fell over

.
, ,
my forehead in c urls lending a boyish look to

my physiognomy M y pretty tresses with their
,
streaks Of gold had been sac ri fice d at m

,
, y father s ’
sugge stion .
M y fantast i c app e arance perfectl y expre sse d

the state Of m y m ind at that time N O longer .
consideri ng myself a chil d I fancied I must be a,
y ou n g woman I w.as an e xtremel y busy person ,
and was filled with the impo rtance Of m y m i ssion ;

believ ing my self to be reall y useful the knowledge ,
fil led me with satisfaction In tr uth I threw m

.
y
self into the work which m y father assi gned to
me with real passion and an absolute lo yalt y I .
w as as much interested as he w as in every detail ,
big o r l i ttle conn ected with the management and

, , ,
while it di d not weary me to cast up accounts hour

after h o ur in t h e regi sters I enjoye d myself as ,
W e M o ve
’
t o t h e S o uth 2 5
much as though playing a game when I was allowed

to take m y stand amon g the labourers watch ,
ing them at their heav y toil o r chattin g gail y with

them du ring their intervals Of rest There were a .
great man y Of them more than two hundred ; a

,
part those who came from Piedmont took turns

, ,
day and ni ght at the furnaces while the others , ,
who belonged to the neighbourhood worked con ,
t in uo usly in the great courty ards and un der the
sheds All these people did not actuall y love me

.
,
perhaps but at least they liked to have me

,
appear suddenl y among them in m y somewhat

brusque way and their pleasure showed itself in
,
an added ale r t n e ss o f bearin g more in confor m it y

i
f
with t h e ide al Of work cheerfull y performed The y .
thought me more just than papa and tried to g ain ,
my good will b y in genuous flatte ry so that I might

-
use m y influence in their favour with the master

who made them all t remble I knew ve ry well .
,
however how utterl y useless it would be for me to

,
attempt to modify m y father s iron rule

’
and I w as ,
persuaded moreover that th i s was very necessary

, , .
S O I onl y tried to make their master more accept

able to them and o n e way to do this was to se t
,
them an example Of Obedience It m ay be that

.
my father noticed this Du rin g the short wal k

.
fro m the factory to o ur h o use he used to talk to

me in a tone of voice with whi ch I o nl y was famil
iar not sweet o r tender but with a sort of rest
, ,
f ulness a note Of relief and abandon ment He

, .
“
would say confidential l y Suppo se we t ry this or
,
that measure or
“
If we d i d so o r so
, ,
we mi ght be able to raise the s alari es a little It .

!
was almost at time s as though he were ask ing my

, ,
a d vice I thou ght what happ in e ss it would be to

.
hi t upon some reall y useful sugg e stion The fac .
tory came to be for me as well as for him a huge

l ivin g thing which d rew us away from every other
interest an d o c cupat i on kept o ur i magi natio n s
,
constantl y aflam e our nerv es o n the stretch a nd

, ,
which compelled o ur love ; a whirl i ng corner in

the stream o f l i fe in whose current we t wo had
been caught an d were be ing wh i rled aroun d wh ile
all the t i me we fancied that we were controll ing it .
Arri ved at the house I woul d experience t h e

same sense Of discomfo rt that had alwa ys assa ile d
me o n m y return home from school o nl y n ow,i t
was mul tiplied a h un dred fold I felt myself to
-
.
be o ut Of place there an d had a contemptuous

,
se n se o f moral i solat i o n I was l i k e a boy who

.
,
W e M o ve to the S o uth 27
barel y the leadin g strin g s compla ins arro

o ut O f -
,
gan t ly Of the servants behaviour That was pre

’
.
c i se ly t h e w ay I talked Of the children s carel e ssness

’
Of their neglect Of their studies Of mamma s lack ,

’
Of that calmn ess and firmness which would have

given them the train ing the y needed The serv .
an t maids must have carried dreadful accoun ts

-
Of me back into the country with them : h o w I

was never to be seen with a needle in m y hand ,
h o w I took no interest in the housekeeping and ,
so o n . Then m y sudden g usts Of passion without

an y apparent cause to be compared with nothing
,
but those similar outbursts o f m y father Per .
haps these were reall y the relax in g Of nerves too

tightl y strain ed or the y m ,
ay have been the ind i
cation Of some approaching crisis in m y ph y sical

development I knew nothin g about it but I
.
,
did know that I must quickl y get o ut o f doors and

r un like some mad thin g alon g the shore and feel
the delicious air o f the Open caressing me o n every

hand Then I would come back pe rfectly c alm
.
and ready to erase from m y memo ry all t r ac e ,
e ven Of m
, y ill humour
-
I woul d even forget the
.
look Ofprofound grief which such scenes in variably

brought to m y mother s brow
’
.
28 A Wo m
an at B ay
My mother ! How c ould I e ver have been

so in di f ferent to her ? She had now almost e n
t ir e ly faded o u t Of m y life I cannot fix in m
.
y
memory the precise stages Of the slow decadence
in m y mother s health and sp iri t s which took place
’
after we moved to the South From the very .
fir st day s sh e was neve r able to shake O ff a certain

timidit y which kept her from going o ut alone or
even with the children to walk along the shore o r
in the fields The town a fforded no distractions
.
,
wh il e the women Of the neighbourhood rarel y ever

quitte d their houses and were ignorant lazy and
, , ,
superstitious The women Of the peasant class

.
work e d harder than the men and a large part Of

,
the pop ulation lived o n and from the se a repairing ,
at night time to the ir wretched hovels which

-
,
stood huddl ed together —some hundred yards o r so

from the shore .
N o r did mamma take an y interest in the facto ry

o r fin d an y thing there to amuse o r distract her It .
i s true that I was half pleased at this feeling that ,
sh e was not likel y to look favourabl y upon some
o f my performances I was n o w conscious eve n

.
,
more strongl y than at M ilan Of the di v ergence in

,
temperament and t astes between her and papa

not worn for a long time She was passin g the .
po wder puff across her face when papa impatient

-
,
at the delay reapp e are d in the doorway I can

, .
st ill se e before me the room the lookin g glass ,

-
,
the h igl window through which beside the sun

.
,
se t light there seemed to enter the reflection Of

,
the water gre y turbid ; whil e in m

, , y ear r e ech o es
-
the sound Of a sin gle phr ase caught as it were ,
in fli ght : Well my Op i n i on is that yo u are a

,
coquette .
Half an hour later in the tra in I still fo un d

, ,
myself tremblin g inwardl y un able to frame an y ,
blame for m y father an y excuse for m , y mother ,
d own whose cheeks as sh e leaned o ut o f the

,
window in the shad ow I could see the tears ,
slowl y cours in g Was sh e also li v in g over again

.
that moment Of m o r t i fieat i o n ? O r was she think

ing Of numberless others as well ? Was she brood
in g over the fact that I had been a witness Of the
slight ? Fo r the first t i me she seeme d to me like
an ill person a morbi d invalid one who d oes n o t
, ,
wish to be treated who will not even say what

,
ails her .
I had re ad in b o oks about the flu c tuat i ons Of

love and h ate I had n o t e d t h e l ikes and disl ike s
,
We M o ve t o t h e S o ut h 31
Of the people Of the district I thought I alread y

,
kn ew much about life ye t I was unable to discern

,
the melanchol y truth about the affairs Of m y o w n
househol d Months went by mamma s sadness

.
,
’
increased ; papa s attentions to her e ven their

’
walks together graduall y ceased ; an d I who was

, ,
no longer a child pursue d m , y w ay exactl y as

though no threatening d anger were clos in g in
aroun d us Wh y ? I was spellboun d it is tr ue
.
, ,
just as I had been from infanc y b y admiration ,
for m y father but that alone wo ul d hardl y account

,
for m y bl indness Perhaps mamma in pathetic

.
,
mo rt ificat io n o ver her sor row warded Off a con ,
fidan t e whom sh e deemed at once too y oung

an d t o o exclusi vel y de voted to him who was the
cause Of her u nhapp iness ; and so she allowed the
time t o pass b y in weary fruitles s waiting for
,
something to happen .
A mong the neighbours she must ce rta in l y ha ve

aroused a good deal Of sympath y b y the sweetness
Of her manners and her gentl e air though having , ,
given up all religious Observ ance b y papa s orders ’

,
the more bigoted were in cl in ed to blame her .
Who knows whether from the very first the

general opin i on was n o t that sh e could not be
very happ y with a husband an d a daughte r such

as papa and I ? —for there had soon sprung up
towards papa a deep seated feeling Of hostilit y
-
.
There were no rich people in the nei ghbourhood

except t h e proprietor Of t h e factory who spent ,
most Of his time at Milan an d a certain co unt

, ,
the owner Of almost all the land thereabouts o n ,
whose rare appearances with h i s wife a bi g fat , ,
idol laden with jewels e v ery o n e men and wo

, , ,
men alike used to bow themselves to the gr ound

, .
Then there were about a dozen lawyers who first

industriousl y stirred up and then dragged o ut
lawsuits among the farmers alread y copiousl y
,
bled b y their tax es ; add to these a few priests and

a half dozen carabineers and yo u have the entire
-
upper class Of the place N o t onl y had m

.
y fathe r
taken no notice Of th e s e people but he had de ,
c lin e d with some show Of impatience a banquet
which they had wishe d to give to him and to

t h e p resident Of som e i nstitution — I don t know
’
what but something very Ol d and pompous and

,
without funds Such an action was unheard Of

.
,
as unheard O f and nearl y as O f fensive as his sys

t em at ic refusal Of all present s which were sent
him How Often ha ve I seen Old women leave o ur

.
h o use in a state Of dumb wonder and fu ry b e c ause

papa declin ed to receive the chickens with which
the y had hope d to soften his heart in behalf o f
their sons .
B ut in spite o f all their extreme ignorance and

indolence the people still formed the best element
in the population The y had preserv ed an i n
.
st i n c t i ve g oodness Of hea rt
, onl y the y blamed
the director as m
“
, y father came to be called ,
for his unparalleled severit y towards his depend

ents a severit y which was Of course exaggerated
, , ,
as it passed from mouth to mouth .
A t first m y father had merel y laughed at this

widespread dislike Then little b y little as he
.
, ,
grew more familiar with the native character a ,
feeling Of bitter hostility took possession Of him .
Above all else he was i rritated b y the pre vail in g

h ypoc risy Isolation made him hard and in fo l
.
e r an t and he exaggerated e v er more and more the
di fferences between this almost O r ien t al people

who crowded servilel y about him and h i s o wn
compatriots from the North Was he perhap s
.
,
unconsciousl y guard ing a gainst the danger Of

,
becomin g naturalised or o f seeing his chil d re n

become naturalised ? B e that as it m ay t h e
34 A Wo m
an at B ay
resul t was t o Obs cure h i s j udgme n t ; h e gre w t o

ha ve an e xaggerated opinio n Of his o wn sup e ri ori ty
an d his scornful ness increased until i t became an
i ncitement He would ha ve like d t o emplo y onl y
.
P iedmontese in t h e establishment t o fou nd a c ol

,
o n y o f them but to th i s the p r op ri etor objected

,
from measures both Of pruden c e and Of econom y .
The management n eve rtheless was entirel y in

, ,
the hands Of o ur own people who with their fam

, ,
ili e s formed an is o lated gr oup regard e d with dis

,
t rust b y the natives .
Secretl y I was very proud Ofth i s di stance placed

“
between us and all those other people When !
m
.
I came home from the fa c t o ry with y red wool

len cap se t on top Of m y mop Of sho rt hai r and ,
with the r apid ga i t Of a pe rson full Of affairs I ,
could d istin gu i sh a murmur Of v oices fo llowin g

me A s I passe d the café the usual group o f
.
idlers woul d regard m e smil i ngl y a n d I was con
scious that on the o n e hand I aroused their curi

o si t y while on the other they were shocke d be ing
, ,
accustomed to se e little girls slip sh yl y and t i midl y

b y flattered to be taken an y notice Of
, I bega n
.
to conceive an a v ersion for the place an d if I did

,
n o t come to hate it outri ght it was solel y by reaso n

Of i ts natural beauty which I was never weary ,
o f adm i ring . n —
A stran ge homesick ess strange ,
that i s because when we left Mil an I was not con

,
scious Of an y feeling Of regret— had begun to creep

over me in sin uatin g itself into m
, y innermost
being ; but I gave no expression to it in the letters
I wrote to m y friends M y northern home seen .
,
through the haze Of memory n o w seemed to me ,
des irable full Of charm The city itself above

,
.
all else the huge cit y the great human ant hill ,
-
with its tee m

,
in g life the city which I n o w remem

,
bered in some Of its most t ypical aspects woul d ,
sudd enl y ri se up before me curi ousl y fo r e sh o rt

ened ; I would seem still t o be a little ch ild hold ing ,
my father s hand and walking beneath a cloudy

’
sky or in the dust y s unl i ght ; the cit y O f m

, y ch ild
hoo d alread y wr app e d in nameless regrets whose ,
very memo ry now had power to th rill me with

passionate feeling .
A s areward for m y first year Of work papa

took me to Ro m e an d Naples an d this long in g ,
for li ving cen tres first awoke in me then On c e

!
.
more after two ye ars I saw crowds o f human b e

, ,
ings m ,e t faces bearing the stamp Of h i gh in t e lli
gence o r Of a c ti ve st irri ng life ; again I felt myself

3 6 A Wo m
an at B ay
to be small Of no account an atom ye t pant ing

, , ,
to learn from everyone an d everything about me .
These sensations intere sted an d e x cit e d me more

’
perhaps than the buildings an d the historical sites .
In m y letters to mamma as well as in the diary

w h ich at m y fa ther s suggestion I kept d uring
’
the t ri p the y form the dominatin g note out

, ,
balancing the ingenuous Observations the notes ,
Of ad miration and the feeble critic i sms

,
.
This journe y was the crown to m y eager fear ,
l e ss tr i umphant youth I t sta ys with me onl y

, .
as an i ndistinct memory blurred b y being ex

,
posed to t o o blin ding a li ght The i mpressions.
were p ile d o n e o n another like the s yllables Of

some myste ri ous word summar i sing human life ;
I received them i n awe d astonishment ; a new
gentleness a sort Of languor whose cause I coul d
,
not defin e an expansiveness in vaded m

, y being
, .
The present then was merel y a lethargy ,
and I was go in g fo rward to meet a n ew phas e Of

e xi st e nce .
38 A Wo m
an at B ay
d e c o rated for t h e o cc asio n with lights an d plan ts ,
and there ab o ut fo rty persons had asse m bl ed .
There were a few Romans an d Neapol i tan s i n ,
whose e yes there gleame d an express i on Of iro ni cal

amusement at the manners Of the pro vi ncials ;
some pon d erous gentlemen who watche d my
fathe r cu ri ousl y in his unfamil iar aspect Of ge n
i alit y and g ood fellowsh i p ; a few emplo yees an d
-
the s chool masters and mi stre sses Of t h e di stri c t

-
wi th their families .
Th e strains Of a small orchestra invi te d e very

o n e Old and y oung alike to joi n in t h e d a n ce
, , . In
my qual i ty o f little hostess I coul d hardly refuse
to take a few turns aroun d the roo m as well ,
though I did so unwillingl y as d ancing always

,
put me out Of humour an d made m y head ache .
I was the Object Of much attention an d t h e , .
bashful manner o ft h e young men as th e y d rew

near cause d me great amusement B e twee n th e
.
dances however I foun d mys elf invo luntar il y

, ,
watching m y fath er and moth e r. T h e o n e a,n

ad mi rable dancer an d passionate l y fo n d o f t h e
exercise seeme d to have ren ewe d h i s yo uth a nd
,
b y force Of h is enthusiasm an d ardou r to c ast a

veritable spell upon every o n e about h i m On c e .
T h e S hado w on t h e H o use 39
more that tall form circl ing around among the ,
coupl e s seemed to me to be the ver y e m

, b o di
ment Of vi gorous simple j oyous life , , .
Was my mother too enjo ying her hour Of , ,
relaxation ? She likewise was whirlin g aroun d

the room wearin g a black lace gown sparkling all
,
over with little beads The sight recall e d to m .

y
m in d memo ri es Of the p ast when I had Often seen
her start fo r some ente rtainment leaning o n m y ,
father s arm a little timid ye t not ill at ease in her

’
, ,
pretty clothes T O night her features stil l r e

.
-
t ain e d their beaut y Of lin e ; sh e did not look a day
Over thirt y an d ye t it seemed to me as though

,
sh e were t ry in g to conceal some inward nervous
n ess whose cause I coul d not make o ut D id not .
papa or an y o f the gu e sts notice what an effo rt

i t was for her to take part in the even ing s con ’
versation an d amusements ?
The next mo rn ing at about ei ght O clock soo n ’
after getting up I happened to pass m, y mother s

’
d oor K nowing that sh e w as probabl y still in

.
bed I kn ocked to ask if sh e ha d an y orders Her .
voice faintl y b ade me enter I caught a gl impse .
Of m y father s pro fil e as he lay sound asleep his

’
,
face turn e d towards the doo r Mamma s face .

’
,
40 A Wo m
an at B ay
h alf h idde n b y the pillows and bed clothes was -

,
indist inguishable A moment later I closed the .
door and rejo in ed m y brother and s i sters who were ,
alread y at breakfast .
How man y minutes was it before a loud cr y fol

lowed b y others and then a hum Of voices from
,
the piazza below made me tremble with fri ght ? ,
B efo re I could reach the window the noise had

shifte d t o the foot Of our stairs ; I turned and ran
to the door followed b y the servant and the child
,
ren Exclamations Of su rprise and pity rose

.
from below together wi th a shuffling sound as

,
Of people carrying a heavy weight The mai d .
servant flung herself over t h e banister looke d ,
down uttere d a loud sh ri ek and drew back trying

, ,
to thrust us i nto the room and to prevent us from

seeing Then I beheld two men carryin g m
.
y
mother s bod y between them a white half clad
’
, ,
-
form over which some hand had thrown a piec e

Of musl in which hung limpl y d own as did the
, ,
feet the a rms t h e hair A crowd Of persons

, , .
followed I thought I had gone craz y

. .
N O it reall y was mamma with closed e yes a face , ,
as wh i te as the face Ofa corpse and some red marks ,
on o n e arm and d own o n e s ide My father came .

T h e S hado w on t h e H o use 41 .
o ut of his room half dressed uncomprehendin g

-
, .
I saw him clutch his forehead and his face sud

de n ly contracted and that is all I can have seen or
,
heard fo r t h e time being as I remember nothing

,
more I was recalled to myself b y some women s

.
’
voices talkin g near m e The y were recounting

.
how the y had seen the figure Of m y mother leanin g

far Over t h e balcon y Of o ur apa rtment ; how ,
bl inded by the sun which shone full in their e yes ,
t h ey had mistaken he r fo r o n e Of the childr en and

moti oned to her to dr aw back instead Of which ,
sh e had leaned over still fa rthe r then had su d ,
de n ly let go e n t ir el y and had falle n sidewa y s

to the ground .
The doctor c ame and I went in to the room with

h i m Mamma was l yin g motionless o n the bed
.
,
whil e at the foot stood papa looking utterl y b e

side himself and nervousl y wrin gin g h is hands .
O n se ein g me a great so b broke from him the fir st ,
I had ever heard issue from that bre ast Throw

ing himself on a chair he drew m
.
e between his
knees and buried his face o n my shoul de r .
Oh the chaos Of my mind ! The emotion that

,
shook m y father completely unn e rve d me I was .
st ir red moreover by a v ague pre sentiment o f

, ,
42 A Wo m
an at B ay
o the r m om e n ts yet t o c ome wh ic h wo ul d be as
hor ri bl e as th ese I wi sh e d that I might n ever

.
m o re be fre ed fr om that embrace ; for the first

t i me in my life I l o n ge d s i mpl y to close m y e yes
and t o ce as e to exi st wh ile the sole thought I was
,
able to put in to wo rds was t h e s in gle q u est i o n :

“
I s sh e ali ve ? !
Sh e was al i ve b y s o me m
— iracl e Her hea d .
a nd b o dy had wholly escap e d i nj ur y ; onl y the left

a rm was broke n but i t was three days before sh e
,
reco ve r ed consc i ousn e ss Then either sh e remem

.
,
bered noth in g Of t h e traged y or sh e was unw ill i ng ,
t o spe ak Of i t . I hav e a dim recollection Of heari ng

my fath e r o n a ce r tai n e vening question in g her
, ,
o n h i s k n e e s an d of h i s getting no response save
Forg ive m
,
“
e forgi ve m e The children were
.
!
in t h e ro o mat t h e t i me My father cri e d and I

,
.
,
d on t kn ow t o th i s d ay whether it was m o re agon

’
i s ing t o me to se e h is tear s o r to hear the disjointe d

wo rd s o f t h e s ick woman issu ing from the shadows .
H ad i t bee n a fit o fin sanity ? I wanted to t hi n k

so and ye t the id e a te rri fi e d me My father s ’
.
vo ice ask ing himself i n lo w shaking ton e s i n

, ,
t h e s e m i d arkn e ss Of the s i ck room what it could

- -
h a ve b e e n that c ause d that access Of despair ha d ,

in i t a ring o f tru e and pass i on at e since ri ty M y .
mo th e r regardin g him in silence gave me a s in gu

lar im p r ession that it was sh e who was await in g
an explan ation from him ye t I felt abso lutel y
,
co nvinc ed that m y father did not kn o w wh e re in

he had been t o blame She was in be d fo r two
.
months with alternations Of fever that thre aten e d

c onge stion Of the brain Though he r presen c e
.
was felt among us as it ne v er had been before ye t ,
sh e seemed like a person aloof se t apart lik e o n e

, ,
who has just mad e some supreme renunciati o n .
So meth ing sinister had begun to creep o ver o ur

house someth ing apart from the alternation s of
,
the sick room and which in spite Of an insti nc t ive

-
, ,
e ffo rt o n the part o fall o fus to combat it in cr e ase d ,
e ver more and more .The children understand ,
in g noth ing dumbl y submitted to the gl o o m

,
o f their surroun dings but I began to n o te wi th

, ,
anxiet y at first and then with downri ght al arm

the obst inat e re c urrenc e o f ce rtain s ympto m
,
s in
my mother s protracte d convales cence Th e re

’
.
we re pe ri od s Of torpor lapse s of memo ry and man

, ,
ifest at i o n s Of exagge r ate d l ikin g an d repugn anc e

fo r thos e about her .B y now howe ve r I h ad, ,
taken the manageme n t Of the h ouse in to my o wn

hands w i th o ut gi vi ng up either m
, y w o rk at th e
factory o r m y reading and correspondence so I ,
had but little time left to an al yse the c rowd Of

new emotions which were surging up with in m e .
I felt sorry fo r papa while o n mamma I lavi she d

,
a tendern e ss so vi g ilant that for a time the sym p

toms in her sick soul I so much dreaded almost
di sappeared I was sure n o w that I loved them
.
,
both but with a new feeling Of uneas iness an i m

,
, ,
pre ss i on that took hold o n me more and more that

I n o w stood entirel y al one with m y own sou l that ,
I was a stran ger to those two other souls whom I

loved whomI pitied an d whom I dared n o t
, ,
judge
B y the end o f t h e winter mam
.
ma had almost
entirely recovered though her arm which owing
, , ,
to the in e ffi cienc y Of the surgeon had twice to b e ,
reset remained weak and sh e lost the free use Of

,
o n e hand Emaciat e d and aged sh e loo ke d more

.
,
dej ected and spiritless than ever wi th that us e less,
han d which the youngest Of my littl e sister s

,
would kiss from ti me t o time there b y c aus i ng a

,
tear to shin e in thos e tired eyes She seeme d .
herself to be a child a sh rinking timid child n u

, , ,
able t o throw Off the memory of some past fault .

evide n tly b e co me wholl y r esign e d to her pers i st e n t
me l an choly wh il e sh e I could se e was opp resse d

, , , ,
bo rn e down by a tim id an x i ou s lo ng in g t o draw

,
neare r t o hi magain
,
There was one day when o ur house was full of

sun shine . M y parents passed more than an hou r
together in the room which m y father n o w oc e n
pie d alone When the y came out mam

. ma had a
p ink c olou r in her cheeks such as I had n o t see n
there fo r a long lon g t i me wh ile a fa int smil e
, ,
fl ickere d across her l i ps t h e smile o f a happ y,
c h il d . Sh e looke d at me as though sh e hardl y

r ecogni se d me but my fath e r s brow cloude d o ve r
,
’
.
Wh at d id he read in m y m i n d ?
Freque ntl y in t h e c ourse o f t h e su cc e ed in g
weeks the sight o f my mother lean ing wearily
again st my father s shoul d er troubled me That
’
.
he t rie d t o a v oid being left alone with her I was

persuade d Of and indeed we all Of us used in st in c
,
t i ve ly t o k e e p away fro m the h o us e Slowl y the .
sp rin g we n t b y I n t h e warm close tw il ights

I was so me t im
.
,
es s e iz e d by a t o rtu rin g longin g t o

cr y t o le t m ys e lf diss o l ve in to tears
, Wh at was .
i t ? Wh ither h ad my buo yant youth flo wn ? Wh y

did m y f at h e r h o l d s o a l oof fr o m me ? H e did n o t
care whether I s uffered o r not He did n ot love .
me ah sur ely he no l o nger loved me ! I was

, ,
suspic i ous o f h i m o f myself Of life ! , ,
Youth however reasserte d itself in t ime ; I

, ,
kept o n w ith m y work an d se n t long letters to my

fri ends written in a ve in Of cu ri ous sto i ci sm I
,
.
use d to smil e t o o wi th a sort Of ingenuous c o

, ,
q u e t r y at some Of the Piedmontese workme n ,
for whom I had concei v ed an exaggerated l ikin g ,
possibl y merel y because Of the aversion I had

begun t o feel for the people and things Of the d i s
tri e t And all this t ime m
.
y small fo rm was
un dergoing a transfo rmation : I was losin g cer
tain an gu larities Of outl in e an d mo veme n t ; m y
face in especial had gr own mor e ani m
, , ate d ,
mor e exp r ess ive I t was something my father

.
said o n e even ing after look in g at me in sil ence

,
for a long t ime that first made me regard myself

,
with anxious in terrogation in the glass He was .
speak ing half to h imself and wi th mingl e d j o y ,
and in cr e dul ity I heard him murmur , Sh e ,
i s go ing to b e pretty I di d not re all y b e .

!
lieve h im ye t the words ga ve me ine xp re ssi bl e

,
deli ght .
O thers notic e d t h e change in me as well Th e re .

was a young man at the factory who had bee n

employed there for about a year He was the .
so n Of a small proprietor Of the neighbourhood ,
g ood lookin g and with a b right v i vac ious manner

-
, , .
We were o n friendl y terms and used to exchange

j okes and sometimes have li vel y discussions in the
intervals Of o ur work especiall y when as some
, ,
times happened we were left to oursel ves i n the

,
big room where we both had o ur tables That .
spring t h e ton e Of half ironical respect which he

-
had hithe rto used in addressin g me was changed

fo r o n e Of in v oluntar y admi ration This did not
.
escape me and caused me much amusement He .
used to tell me all the gossip Of the neighbourhood

and what his fri ends were saying about me whil e ,
I for m
, y part plied
, him with eager ques tions .
O ne o f his ac quaintances he said had announced

, ,
that he was in love with me and that he meant t o

carry me Off This was a not uncommon occur
.
rence in that part Of the country the abduction ,
bein g followed b y ma rriage I merel y laughed

at this and pointed i n the direction Of m
.
y father ,
whose v ery name was usuall y enough to st ri ke

terror I did in deed after this find the e yes Of
.
, ,
the self announced lo ver fixed upon me more than

-
once to m
, y g reat anno y ance M y informant.
t old me moreover that the arch priest had alluded

, ,
-
to us in church several times b y name attributing ,
my mother s misadventure to a retribution from

’
God He also declared th at some Old women

.
alwa ys made the sign Of the cross when I went

b y and that the y called me littl e devil appear !
,
ing to look upon m e as an Object o f curiosit y
belongin g to some unknown po ssiblv dangerous, ,
speci e s Finall y he made bold to repeat som e

.
Of the encomiums which according to him at least

, ,
some ge ntlemen had seen fit to pronounce up on

this or that point in m y personal appearance and ,
all this he told with the utmost complacenc y I .
was half annoyed half flattered b y what he said

, ,
as well as b y his o wn behaviour towards me at ,
bottom Of which however I fancied I could de

, ,
tee t a note Of real sincerity In the arrogance O f

.
y outh I thou ght it quite excusable since I never ,
attempted to conce al m y o wn sense Of superiorit y ,
that he should sometimes forget the d eference due

to t h e dau ghter of his employer SO I answered .
him jokingl y in order to make him se e that I

attached no importance whatever to it all o r I ,
woul d sometimes amuse m yself b y suddenl y

ch angi n g t h e subjec t and plun gin g h i m un cult i ,
v at e d a nd n arr ow an d convention al in all h is id e as ,
i nto d iscussions in wh i ch he wo ul d quickl y find

himself worste d ; then I wo ul d b ur st int o a laugh ,
a loud sh rill laugh so utterly ch il di sh that he

, ,
would always end b y laugh in g t o o though not ,
before an expression o f i ngenu o us w on d e r had

fli t t ed across his face .
Another victim Of my unc o nve n t i o n al tr a ining

was an Old woman who use d to come t o th e h o use
to help mamma Chatt ing away sh e woul d some
.
times begin to talk about m y futur e Of the time ,
when I should b e marri e d an d ha ve childr en Of my

o w n a n d wo ul d laugh at t h e recollect i o n Of my
present employmen t at t h e fa c t o ry TO all Of .
which I calml y made answer that I n e ver meant

to marry that I co uld onl y be happ y con t in u in g
,
my present free and busy mo d e Of life and that ,
I thought moreo ver that all youn g girls shoul d

m
, ,
do the same ; arri age was a m i staken i d e a papa ,
always said so .
A t this the Old wo man woul d be c ome ver y in dig

“
nant . B ut then the world woul d come to an
en d ! D on t yo u un derstan d ? N O more ch ildren
’
woul d be born ! !
T h e S hado w on t he H o use 51
I held m y ground however Mamma had spoken

,
to m
.
e some ye ars before o f the mysterious femi nine
organism but without touch in g o n the relations Of

,
the sexes Ce rtainl y i f my father advocated the

.
abol i tion Of marri age it meant that children woul d

be born just the same Papa would never want.
the world to come to an en d An yhow I had no .

,
feel in g Of responsibility toward s the future N O .

,
certain l y I was never going to marry

, .
M amma was usu al l y pre sent during thes e d iscus

sions but sh e never took an y part in them She
, .
was now mo re self absorbed than ever ; seemin gl y

-
enclose d i n some inte ri or desert waste Towards .
the clos e Of sp ri ng papa suggested that she should

spend a mont h at Turin with her own relatives ,
takin g m e with her . She agr eed What a feelin g

.
o f we i ght y respo n sib ility i t gave me to th in k O f
go in g away alone with her ! There was alwa ys

latent in m e a dre ad o f her be in g aga in su dd enl y
seize d w i th an im pul se to commit some fr en z i e d

ac t Ofmadness Then more d isqu i etin g than ever
.
, ,
woul d a ri se t h e Old doubt as to whether I really

lov ed her as I o ught and wish e d to do ; whethe r
I were n ot as a fa c t utterl y powerl e ss in the face
, ,
o f th i s p e rs i st e n t u n ha ppin es s !
The journey though seemed inde e d to restore

, ,
to her someth in g Of serenit y and hope and with ,
th e se came an improved ph ysic al condition A s .
for me the sudden plunge into scenes connected

,
with m y earliest chil dh ood serv ed to distract me

from m y va gue foreb o d ings and to some extent
to r estore m y confidence .
O nce more summer was upon us I had n o w .
c ompleted m y fifteenth ye ar ; the bathers congre

gated On the beach as usual and sometimes I was
,
invited to take pa rt in their pas times I coul d .
se e that I was regarded b y eve ry o n e with interest ;
that men Of various age s looked at me insistentl y ;

and first o n e a delicate sarcastic youth and then
, , ,
another almost a man grown strong and ag ile

, , ,
with a curl y blond head that reminded me Of some

Of the bronzes I had seen in the museums took ,
my fancy for a week o r so M y heart however

.
, ,
did not b e at a whit the faster on their account ,
n or did they arouse the slightest feeling o fcoquetry

in me I wonder if I am falling in love ! 1 would !
laughin gl y say to myself ; but it was onl y an amus

ing game that seemed to add a fresh zest to the
life I w as livin g with such eager impetuosity .
Lyin g s o othed b y t h e waves hour after h our

, ,
treat in g m e at t i mes w i th an absolutely ic y h ar d
ness Puz zle d and distressed I began t o s e a rch

.
,
about fo r the cause My fellow clerk did n o t let

.
-
me se arch for long A s I hav e sa id we were Ofte n

.
,
left entirely alon e in the big gr e y r oom line d with ,
cupboard s and tables littered over with pap e rs

,
and le dgers ; in the mid dle there was a large coal

sto ve whose intense h e at sometimes made the ai r
q uite intolerable An other clerk was onl y there
.
durin g the morning while a fou rth was almost

,
always absent B etween o ur pi e c es Of work we

.
kept up o ur former bante rin g intercourse in ter ,
spersed with more se rious talk whi ch would b e

broken Off an d re sumed a dozen time s in t h e cours e
o f the day He was twent y five years Old with
.
-
,
a slight spare figure a dark an imate d face an d

, , , ,
larg e v i vacious black e yes H e t al k e d much and .
fluentl y Ce rta in thin gs ab o ut him we re a daily

.
O ffen c e to m e an d I use d fran kly to tell him so ;
but beyo n d be ing amaze d at my dar in g my

, ,
super i o r ity i t m ay be accust o m e d as he w as t o

,
re g ard all women as natur all y in ferior an d sub

missive be in g s he paid n o attention to the e riti
,
c i sms Of a sm all girl I knew noth in g at all about

.
him beyond a v ague rumour that a young girl

T h e S h ado w on t h e H o use 55
whom he h ad professed to be in love with before ,
going to serv e his term with the arm y had tried ,
to kill herself o n his return because he had taken

n o more notice of her Papa did n ot l ike him
.
an d kept him o n solel y because he was a good

worker ; he repri manded me sharpl y e ve ry t ime
he foun d us chatt in g together .
Was i t o ut Of revenge ? P ossibl y A t all e v ents .
i t was he wh o told me what indee d was al r ead y

, ,
c ommon talk in the town namel y that papa was

, ,
in love with a youn g girl who ha d been empl o ye d

for a sh o rt t im e in the factory that t h e affair h ad
begun in t h e sp rin g when mam a and I were away
,
and that m y father went almost every even ing to

a house in t h e suburbs where sh e an d all he r
num er ous a nd wr e tch e d fami l y were l o d ge d an d
suppo r te d at h is e xpen se .
My father ! A thousand puzzl ing little in cidents

now suddenl y became clear It was i mp o ssible
.
t o doubt the tr uth Of the h o rrible story I felt .
myself b o we d to the gr oun d forced to bite the

,
dust in t h e agon y o f m y shame an d humiliation .
My fathe r that radian t id eal became in an instan t

, ,
tran sfor me d into an object Of horror He who .
h ad r eared me so c arefull y in t h e c ult Of s in ce ri t y

and honour was now hiding o n e side o f his life

from m y mother and from us all O h papa papa
.
, ,
where now was that boasted supe riority Of which

onl y yesterday I had been so proud ? It seemed
to me that we had fallen far lower even than an y , ,
Of those creatures about us the ones for whom I

,
had allowed myself to feel an instinctive r e pul

sion ! And m y poor in nocent brother and sisters !
,
And mamma mamm a did sh e suspect an ything ?

, ,
I felt myself suddenl y d rawn to m y poor mothe r ,
with m y heart full to bursting f ul l Of r

, emors e
and Of anger toward s myself .
When she had tried to kill herself perhaps pap a

had alread y been unfaithful to her ! I had put
away all suspicions at the time with such ce rtainty ,
such seren e conviction Eve n n o w I would not

.
accept i t ; it was too ho rri ble N o r was m

.
y moth
e r s mental and ph y sical condit i o n an y excuse in
’
my e yes for my father s conduct Oh if onl y it

’
.
,
mi ght ye t be possibl e to recall him to his senses ;

to se t up m y o wn eager audacious wil l against h i s
, ,
to sav e u s all fro m ruin !

B ut he who either from treacher y o r callousness
, ,
had dealt the crushing blow took g ood care to

i mpress upon m e the utter futilit y o f any actio n
T h e S h ado w on t h e H o use 57
on my part ; at the same time painting the future

in the darkest colours He showed his pity for.
me in ways which under an y other circumstances

I woul d have r esented but now I paid no heed,
.
I felt him cl asp m y hands smooth m y hai r and

, ,
my be in g yielded half unconsciousl y to the sweet

ness Of the contact while all the time I was trem
,
blin g with rage and despair .
What was i t what was it this Obscur e force

, ,
which was suddenl y confront ing me and Of which ,
all m y r eading had given me so illusive an idea

?
Was i t after all something wicked degradin g

, , , ,
and ye t so all powerful that eve n m

-
y father had
been dragged down b y it ?
An d life Of which I knew as ye t so little but
,
which hithe rto I had believed to be founded upon

beauty and goodn ess now i t seemed to me a
,
thing in comprehensible and hateful .
How man y days did I live with this ho rrible

tumult in m y soul ? I cannot tell ; I onl y know
that durin g the period s Of dull apath y which wo ul d
succeed m y parox ysms Of emotion a voice y oun g , ,
ardent was ever at m

, y side mur m uri n g words
o f adm ir ation which graduall y became more and
more outspoken A t times when I felt more than

.
,
5 8 A Wo m
an at B ay
usuall y weak an d l i stle ss th at lo w c o nt in uous

, ,
v o ice wo ul d en velop me in an atmo sphere Of pas

s i on Then I began to re spond though al ways
.
,
with a d oubting at the h e ar t that refuse d t o be

allayed an d yet with an eage r h o pefulness as well .
I gr ew more gentle more c o u rteous an d k indl y ; I

,
did not tell him that I care d for him I d id not say ,
so e v en to m yself but I felt that he r e at least

, , ,
was s o me one to whom I was d ear .
H o w did mamma fin d o ut about h e r traged y ?

On e e v en in g after s upp e r two o r thre e v isitors came
in t o se e pap a I d on t remember what about ’
A mo ng the mwe re my fellow clerk and a n otary

.
,
-
,
a poo r insignifica n t m
, e lli fluo us—
, vo i ce d creature
whom m y fathe r must have taken in to his c o n fi
d ence They were all sitt in g there talk ing whe n
.
, ,
su dd enl y my m o ther bur st into a ne rv ous laugh ,
“
and tur nin g t o t h e notary sa id : I s i t t rue that
you wal k along the r i ve r e ve ry e ve ning w i th my
husban d ? Tell me what yo u talk abo ut ? !
Th e me n e xchange d ho rrifie d gla n c e s but my

mo ther n o w d eathl y pale got up w ith a slight
,
, ,
sh iver and e x cusing herself o n the gr ound o f n o t

,
feelin g well left the room

, .
Le ft al o n e wi th the g uests a nd my fath e r I saw ,

a terri ble look Of suppressed fury come in to his

face Then in a lo w measured ton e he said :
.
, ,
“
That woman i s going mad !
A sudden i mpulse seized me .
“
I am go in g mad t o o papa ! I crie d and I
,
!
,
fastened m e
y y es o n his with a look o f wil d rebel
lion wh ile the blood rushed furiousl y to m y head .
B e quiet ! he shouted struck to the heart

!
, ,
and he threw himself forward as though ab o ut to

strangle me ; then c o ntrolling h im
, self with a v iolent
e ffort :
“
G O ! h e said
!
.
I can t remember h o w I go t thro ugh that n ight

’
.
The next mornin g mamma ill and feverish lay in

, ,
her room v a inl y awaiting a v isit from her husban d ,
no doubt in tending t o ask h i s pard on I was .
informed that at the end Of the month my em

ployme n t at t h e factory would cease I t was .
the answe r t o m y o utbreak Of the ni ght before .
When I go t to the Office that day I c o ul d n o t

repress my tears The busy active life among
.
,
all the other emplo y ees was ver y dea r t o me ; I
could not bear the thought Of having t o give it

up nor could I picture to myse lf an y other mo de
,
Of life half so congenial t o my nature and t astes .

60 A Wo m
an at B ay
I said as much t o m y compani on wh o was stand

ing besi d e me .
And have yo u n o thought fo r me ? Wh at

am I to do ? he mur mur ed Then c ross in g ove r
!
.
to his o wn seat he threw himself down and buried

his face in his han ds with a nervous twitching Of
the shoulders .
I went over to him at once forgetful o f m y o wn ,
trouble H e drew me to him clasping me the

.
, ,
little youn g th in g close to his breast

, , .
How beautiful yo u looked last e venin g how ,
proud ! How I longed to clasp Yo u about the

knees !
I close d my e yes Was i t t rue ? My whole
.
n ature called aloud fo r an answer I rema in ed .
still for a moment His lips closed o n mine I

. .
made no attempt t o free m yself There was no .
revolt Of my still benumbed senses ; m y hea rt

stood still wonder ing if some ine ffable delight
,
‘
were about to ste al o ver it There was a sudden .
noise and I quickl y withdrew myself

,
.
The n ext day when we foun d our sel ves alone

, ,
I again took refuge at his side He told me that .
he cared for me b u t he woul d not let me speak ,
covering m y lips and neck with k i sses Th i s time .

62 A Wo m
an at B ay
a sto o l In stinc t i vel y writh in g an d twi st ing I

.
emi tte d a groan wh i ch would hav e ended in a

sh riek had not a hand closed over my mouth an d
held me down The n I heard the soun d Of retreat
.
in g footsteps an d t h e slamm i ng Of a d oor . I

tottered to a small lab o ratory at t h e other end
m
Of the O ce I st ruggled to regain my c omposure
.
,
wh ile all my senses seeme d about to dese rt me .
Suddenl y a dark suspicion flashe d through my

min d Ru sh ing o ut in to the room I found the
.
man look ing wil dl y at me di straught bre athl ess

, , ,
abashed My face must have expressed an i m

.
measurable horro r for a lo o k Of te rr or spread o ver

,
his features and he cam e towards me clasp in g his

hand s in an att i tud e Of suppl ic at i o n
.
AN E N G AG E M E N T
OI n ow belonge d to a man ?
I had come to belie v e it after I kn ow n ot
how many d ays of indesc ri bable darkn ess M y .
re c ollection Of this time is shadowy and vague .
M y whole theor y Of life alread y shaken b y m

, y
father s d esertion had suddenl y been completel y
’
,
o ve rturn ed tragicall y transformed What was

, .
I now ? Wh at was I to become ? M y childhood

was close d for e ver My pride the pride Of bein g
.
,
a free and r eason in g being was shaken to i ts foun

,
d ations ye t it was stil l strong enough to deny

,
me the consolation Of self pity o r self excuse fore

- -
,
in g me to accept m y full responsibilit y fo r my

downfall I tried pa inful l y to discover some
.
justification fo r th i s th in g which still filled me

with amazement Th is man how l o ng h ad I
.
,
known him ? Fo r about t wo years I had seen .
him almost e ver y day he had been my companion

,
and had h elp e d m e in my w o r k I h ad always

.
63
treated him with frank ch ildish l ikin g ; h is ve ry

,
awkwardn esses had amused me Then o n e day .
he had deliberatel y destro yed my respe c t fo r my

o wn father Wh y had I ne ver e ven fo r a s in gl e
.
moment suspected that h e mi ght be l yin g ? B e

cause I knew absolutel y nothing about life an d ,
his greater experience confronting me thus sud

,
de n ly had fil led me with a k ind Of respect a nd

, ,
then h e had smiled upon me pit yingl y He had .
been a witness Of the horrible agon y Of m y soul ,
cut adrift all in a moment from its moori ngs and

, , ,
he had appeared to me in an altogether di ffer

e n t li ght from before like another being endowe d
, ,
with all those traits which I had just d i sco v ere d

to be lacking in m y father H o w c al m
. l y an d
disdainfull y he had judged papa ! And what
emoti o n he had betrayed i n defending my poor
mother ! O nce onl y he had startle d me Wh e n .
I asked him if he would ha v e stood by m e with
the weight Of his test i mon y had I confronted my

father with the truth he had fe ve ri shl y i mplore d
,
me to say nothing— noth ing !

From that moment he had fairly envelope d me
in a flood Of endearin g epithets M y heart was .
touched It ne ver e v en oc curred to me to qu e s

.
A n E n gag e mt en 65
tion his devotion ; I simpl y accepted it in the p ride ,
not ye t extin ct Of m
, y own superiorit y D id he .
ever suspect the overp o werin g lassitude that po s

sessed me ? He held me in his arms told me that ,
he lo ved me and I — list ened

, .
I could not believe myself the v ictim Of cold

calcul ation ; it must hav e been lo ve that had done
it And how all unprepared I had been to wel
.
come the mysterious v isitor ! Ah Of a truth I , ,
kn e w nothing whatever at bottom Of life simpl y ,
from having kept m y attention t o o steadil y too ,
exclusi vel y fixed upon m y father I had never .
reall y thought much about m y o w n future Of what

I should do as a grown wom
,
an And n o w a .
woman I had su ddenl y become and precisel y at a

,
moment when I could no longer confide in m y

father when the entire experience Of the past had
,
ceased to be o f an y value when m

, y mother was
not c apabl e Of listening to much less Of adv ising
,
me .
Not for a moment did I dream o f revealing m y

horrible secret to that poor tortured mother ; sh e
,
was wretched enough as i t was shut up with he r ,
own misery .
Papa— how far away h e now seemed closed o ut ,

66 A Wo m
an at B ay
for e ver fro mmy exi stence An d what tormen t

.
heaped upon t o rment to d ivulge to h i m t h e tem

pest that was teari ng at my soul !
Alone in s ilence I allowe d a spec ies Of auto
, ,
suggestion a kin d o f lucid madness to sweep o ver

, ,
my senses Was it a symptom Of the ph ysio lo g

.
ical shock I had undergone ? M y memories Of it

are like the memo ri es Ofa n attack Offever Whe n .
d id I fir st begin to say to myself that perhaps

I shoul d have to return the passion Of this man ,
accept from him throu ghout m y entire life t h e

support the refuge that he O ffered me and cut
, ,
myself Off thereb y from everything that hitherto

had made life wo rth li v ing ? I cannot say I .
no longer saw clearl y ; I had be gun to think that

perhaps I had loved th i s youn g man fo r all these
months wi thout kn owin g it that something under
,
neath that very ordinary exterior had inexplicabl y

attracted me Then I began to th ink that perhaps
.
i n this undreame d Of future Of love an d self sur

- -
render there m ight be salvat i on p e ace j o y His

, , .
wife— was n o t I already that ? He had wanted

“
me fate had willed that he should have me all

, ,
had been settled while I ignorantl y supposed m y

self to be travellin g alon g an al together d ifferent
A n E n gag e mt
en 67
road The husband Of the story books who had

.
-
,
always seemed to me a foolish sor t Of person ,
actuall y existed then — w as he !

The man saw instantly when his cause was won ,
perhaps he was not even much surprised He .
had however trembled for a moment Now

, , .
,
confident hopeful he eagerl y responded to the

, ,
childish high flo wn e ffusions I poured o ut in let

,
-
ters and speeches and in order to arrest eve ry

, ,
demand for an explanation before it could pass

my lips he recommenced to shower kisses upon
,
my hands my hair declarin g with a certain sol

, ,
em n i t y that his entire life would not su f fice to

repay me for the g ift Of mine He attempted .
aga in to posse ss himself Of m y person but the hor

ri ble init i at i on had put me o n m
,
y guar d an d I r e
s i sted L ike man y a gi rl whose i mag inat i o n has
.
bee n filled with vague ideas o ut o f novels which

n o o n e has ever explain e d to her I supposed that ,
n o re al ity coul d be l ike that which had so di s

gusted m e ; I dreamed o f some compensat ing
futu re bliss some ineffable j o y that surely must
,
be mine as a wife The modesty Of fifteen was .
too unde ve loped as y e t to su ffer ve rv acutely and

it m ay be too th at a so rt of in sti n ctive p ri de lay
, ,
68 A Wo m
an at B ay
at the bottom Of the determination to l o ve an d t o

g i ve my self up that I was c ul tivat ing wi th su ch
desperate tenacity Of purpose .
Meanwhile papa notic ing m

, y abstract i on an d
uneas iness suddenl y bethought him of h i s threat
,
and ordered me to come n o more to the facto ry .
The brusque interruptio n to o u r intercou rse

put a fresh strain upon m y alread y overwrought
nerves It seemed to m
. e that I was now living
through the most ho rrible day s Of m y life ; the n

I managed to establ i sh a correspondence with the
y ou n g ma n and he persuaded me to tell mamma O f
ou r lo ve T O m
.
y mother sad b r oken tottering
, , ,
o n the b rin k Of in s anit y it seeme d as she listened

, ,
to the love talk Of her chil d as though a fountain

-
,
Of y outh were b e ing held to he r lips Was i t her .
self at twe n ty y ears Ol d whom sh e beheld again ?

Was i t the happ ine ss which had eluded her in he r
o wn l i fe wh i ch she n ow d elus i vel y imagined was
about t o sh i n e fo r th resplendent in the life O f
her Offsp rin g ? Some th ing Of h e r now se eme d to

st ir within me for t h e first t i me D i d sh e t o o.
, ,
feel it unconsc i ously ? Th e poor unhapp y mothe r

,
could ne ve r even guess the trage dy wh i ch had

so ru dely dest royed m y g i rlhood She saw o nl y
.
Of such a s ill y infatuation o n the part Of h i s favour

i te child after he had taken pains too to teach
, , ,
he r to desp i se all such foll y and to depe n d wholl y

upon her o wn faculties i n the battle Of life He .
ce rta inl y fa iled to recogni se h i s o wn responsibility

in prec ip i tat in g t h e catastrophe b y withdrawing
from me hi s lo ve a nd c are at precisely the time
when I stood more sorely i n n eed Of both than at
an y pre vious peri od Of m y life B ut he was un
.
happ y A t once complex and pri miti ve b y nature

.
he failed to grasp what was going o n about him

and to apply the remedy He n ow realised in his
.
tu r n that h e stood alon e that he had alienated

,
the only p e rson who understood him The gath .
ering sto rm Of u n populari ty that was clos in g i n

about h i m an d t h e forebod in g Of some app roach
~
i ng d i saster seeme d t o develop in him a perfect

mania fo r ty rannisi ng for getti n g his o wn way at
whatever cost Mamma amaze d hi mby the per
,
sistent way in which sh e took m

.
y pa rt ; after that
even ing the y had alway s av o i de d talkin g to each
other but now sh e se emed to be hold in g out to
,
him m y welfare as the g a ge Of her acquiescence .
I t was as thou gh sh e said : Yes I am Old ; I shall

be a gran dmother Peace w ill come to m
,
.
y sp iri t
A n E n gag e mt
en 7 1
i f not to my poor hea rt ; there will be some beaut y

‘
still in life since m y child will have found happi

ness and I can contemplate her children !
,
!
T O me m y father said not a word and I un der

stood that thencefort h I w as to be as o n e dead to
him that he had bade farewell for ever to all those

,
dreams which he had woven about me in those

early day s .
He told t h e y oun g man that it was a case where

marri age could n ot even be considered for the
present That I was but fifteen and a half y ears
.
Old and that several y ears must elapse before I

coul d th ink O f tak ing su ch a step ; meanwhile h e
could however v i sit t h e house in the evening
, ,
and accompany the fam il y occasionally when the y

went o ut walkin g What di d he propose to do ?
.
Fin d so me other more suitable occupation else

whe re ? T ry to ge t some executive work ? He
woul d give him fair warning that I should have no
dow ry Fo r t h e rest he might cont i nue h i s pres
.
ent employ ment for a t i me .
I had i ndeed supposed that m

, y fian cé woul d
,
at once throw up his position and look for other

work e ven if it took him out Of the neigh
,
b o ur h o o d B ut nothing Of the kind happened ;

.
7 2 A W o m
an at B ay
in fact it never seemed to occu r hi m to
that there was an y thing un dign ifie d in his

be ing a dependent Of h i s future fathe r in -
law a man moreover whose con duct he so

, , ,
stron gly d isapprove d Of H e appeared o n the .
contrary to be rel y in g confidently o n the chance

that when the time fo r the marri age a rrived m y
father would relent and make some provision for
me and meanwhile he came to o ur house every
,
evening like an accepted suitor Papa n ever .
encountered him it be ing his invari able hab i t to

,
go o ut eve ry even ing as soon as dinner was over .
The children sat aroun d the table readin g o r play

ing g ames mamma and I had o u r embroidery and
, ,
the y oung man amused himself by teasin g me ,
sy stematically contradict ing eve ry thing I said .
Eve ry n ow and then h e would suddenl y g i ve me

a kiss pay ing no attent i on to mamma s protests
,
’
o r to the laughter Of the children and mak in g me
furiously ang ry Towards ten o clock he would

.
’
depa rt first exchangin g an embrace with me in

,
the dark hallway whither I accompanied him ,
alone Sometimes his hands closin g fe verishl y

.
,
around m y arm would awaken a half forgotten

,
-
sense Of terror ,
A n E n gag e mt
en 73
Fo r a few weeks d iscuss i on ran high in the town

about o ur affairs M y sudden withdrawal from
.
the facto ry had been inte rpreted b y ill natured -
persons as the resul t Of s ome discove ry Of m y

fathe r s ; the same ton gu e s had ins inuated onl y
’
about a y ear before that papa s a ffection for me

,
’
was something more than pate rn al ; it was eve r

thei r chi ef delight to invent new and odious tales .
My parents knew n othin g Of what was be ing said

and their ignorant secu ri ty g ave me a sense o f
shame ; surel y m y fian c é woul d up and smite these
scandal mon gers ! Not at all : his manner on the
-
contrary seemed to reflect a certain pri de in the

s i tuation ; he carri ed himself j auntily amon g his
Old companions as thou gh he had suddenl y in
,
creased in i mpo rtance These last i n deed ap

.
, ,
p e ar e d to regard him w i th en vy an d at the sam e
time to rejo i ce that one Of themselves as it were , ,
ha d conquered t h e pride of this fam il y o f aliens .
A s I passed the solitary club I coul d se e the grins

that were levelled at me but now m , y pride no
longer dare d to as se rt itself Th e man Only
laughed when I told h imand sai d it was all n o n
.
sense He lau ghed too when I confronted him

.
, ,
w ith a sto ry which then reached m y ears for the

first t i me namel y that he had betray e d the y oung

, ,
girl who had later tried to k ill herself on hi s ac

coun t He did not even take the trouble eithe r
.
to defend or to justify himself .
A s the months went by e ven the gossip gra d

ually died out ; moreover b y this time I ha d b e
,
come entirely cut Off from the local societ y ; m y

fian c é was jealous and demanded the most absurd
sacri fices from me I was not to stand at t h e
.
window for instance and must i nstantl y wi th

, ,
draw to m y o wn room whe n ever a man

— mam ma s ’
—
docto r in cluded entere d the hou se O ccas i on
ally at the m em
.
,
ory Of that act which I belie ve d
to be irreparable m y nature hitherto so in de pe n
, ,
dent would assert itself but onl y to make me

, ,
realise the more fully m y utter helplessness .
A nd all the time I was w ri ting to m ~

y fri e n d s
that I was happ y I trie d to deceive even my self
.
,
and so worked upon m y i mag ination that I man

a ged to feel almost an infatuat i on for the man .
L ove h i m love him ! Yes I wanted to desper

, , ,
atel y ; I woul d no t allow my self to dwell fo r so

much as a moment upon an y Of the disag reeable
i mpress ions he was constantl y making upon me .
I discovered i nnumerable defects in him hitherto

A n E n gag e mt en 75
undreamed of ; I had known that he was un e du

c at e d for example but I had fancied him much
, ,
more i ntelligent than he actuall y was A bo ve all.
I was disappointed in his character ; there w as

something shifty disingenuous about him and I
, , ,
straightforward little creature that I was and

alway s had been had moments Of rude surprise
,
not u nmixed with in dignatio n These feel in g s

.
m
I t ri ed instantl y to suppress ; I wanted to believe
in y happiness both present and to come I .
wanted to thin k that love was a great and beauti

ful th in g ; that love O f sixteen y ears Of age which
is a summing u p Of all the beauty and m y ste ry o f
'
life Not a single o n e Of all those about me looked

.
me straight in the e y es sought to see into m

, y soul ,
talked to me frankl y honestl y in the lan guage

, ,
which I could perfectly well have understood !

My face pale now and frame d in the hai r which
, ,
had once more been allowed to grow long lost all ,
expression and individuality Had there reall y

.
been a t im e when I was free to fly to the shore

whenever I wanted to ? T O plunge into the water ,
swim about for hou rs o r ramble about the fields

,
and indul ge in dreams O f futu re work an d happ i

ness to m y hea’
r t s content ?
7 6 A Wo m
an at B ay
N ow the day s gl i ded by passe d almost ent i rel y

in the silence and stil lness Of m y o wn little room .
I was making m y trousseau but there were lon g

,
periods when I would fin d my self sitt in g motion

less starin g at m
, y hands as the y lay upon the
heap Of white muslin in m y lap My career Of wife
.
was indeed taking shape as papa had agreed

, , , ,
far more readil y than I had supposed possible to ,
Our be ing ma rri ed within the next few months .
I felt that I was ready even while realising the

,
restricted life that lay before me nor do I recall ,
having an y scruples about dese rting m y own pe o

ple— mamm a steadil y becomin g weaker and more
despondent m
,
, y broth e rs and sis t ers shorn Of all ,
the advantages O f eithe r care o r affection .
And what were m y fian c é s thoughts at this

’
t i me ? D i d he be g in to hav e a feeling Of some

thing like respect fo r the th ing he had so ruthl essly
stolen ? Did he i n his self esteem delude himself
,
-
,
into t h e belief that he was go ing to make me

happ y ?
He d e c i d e d n ot to resign h i s clerkshi p c o unt in g ,
up o n an ad v an ce before v ery long an d poss i bl y , ,
upon one day succeeding to m y father s post He ’

.
argued lon g upon the quest i on o f t h e do wry ,

78 A Wo m
an at B ay
throw ing m y a rms aro und h e r and ca re ss in g the

temples n ow grown qui te gre y while m , y bod y
shook wi th con vul s i ve sob s .
Twenty four hours later seate d at m

-
, y h usban d s
’
s ide gaz ing o ut from the win do w Of the t ra in at

,
t h e fields l y in g wh i te with s n ow b e neath the stars ,
I thought Of t h e two diffe rent ki n ds Of m i s e ry

wh ich wi th e n o rmous e ffo rt an d self cont rol had
,
-
,
that day been shrou de d b e neath the sm iles wo rn

for t h e be ne fit Of t h e people who had gathe re d t o
wish us j o y Were the y weeping now m
.
y t wo
,
parents in the ir lon e l y chambe rs ?

,
MA RR I E D L I F E
HE wi ndows Of o ur little salon overlooked
a wide street skirted b y kitchen g ardens ;
-
bey ond these coul d be seen the profil e Of a hill and

a st r ip Of the sea The view from the other win
.
dows commanded a d reary little g arden planted

with rows Of stragglin g bushes and bordering o n
the railroad Eve ry now an d then throu ghout
.
the day and night t h e whole house would be shaken

b y the arri val o r depar ture Of a train and a pro
lon ged whistle would r e echo throu gh the rooms
-
.
The first floor was occupie d b y lodgers who were

almost alway s invisible Wh en m
.
y husband and
the se rvant we re both o ut I woul d fin d my self
instinctivel y t ry ing to mo ve about without mak
ing an y noise ; m y t r a iling woollen wrapper con
st an t ly impressing upon me the fa c t t hat I was
actuall y a marri ed woman a serious pe rson whose

, ,
existence was n o w defin itel y an d finall y fixed .
When I walked o ut fo r the first time alone leaning

,
79
on the a rm o f m y fellow clerk al o n g the ma in

-
,
street Of the town a hat t rimmed with feathe rs

,
and we ighin g ho rribl y o n m y head and m

,
, y bod y ,
strapped in to a gown cut in the latest fashion it ,
seemed to me that an ab y ss Of t ime and circum

stance ha d opened between m e an d t h e be ing who
but one y ear before ha d be en I .
I had a v ague feelin g that I ought n ow t o assume

a so rt Of citizenship in the place to ide n tify my self
,
with the ideas and customs Of m y n ew r elat iv es Of ,
the dist rict where m y husband had been reared

and where m y o wn ch ildren wo ul d be educated .
E very time I v isited m y mother the contrast b e

tween t h e worl d from wh i ch I had c ome and that
which I was n o w ente rin g was more sha rpl y
defin ed and an unacknowledged feel in g almost o f
,
bitte r ness aros e in me towards t h e p ast ; a gru dge

instincti ve illogical unjust again st mam a an d
, , ,
the chil dren again st papa an d m

, y
“
U top i a .
!
Mamma se n s i t ive like all inv alids was t h e onl y

, ,
o n e to notice t hi s Two o r thr e e time s d u ring

.
tho se earl y days Of m y ma rri ed life there was a

l ook o n her whi t e face more drawn tha n e ve r by
,
su ffe rin g express i ve Of the hu rt su rp ri se which

,
my continue d s ilen ce caused he r O f my wedding .

M arr i e d Li fe 81
jou rne y I had p reserved onl y a confused memo ry

or, rather a memory that had already be gun to
,
fade There had not been o n e moment Of spirit

.
ual satisfact i on n o r an y wonderful revelation Of

,
the senses O h the expe ctations of the child ! I

.
,
had had no oppo rt unity to weave dreams Of c c

stasy but the reality was n o n e the less bitter The
,
.
onl y thing that made a clear impression upon m e
was a quarrel we had o n the thi rd day about some

utterl y t rivial matter and which kept us sulking
indoors at the hotel at Florence du ri ng one entire
afternoon Wh y was it that I found m y self un
.
easil y scan ning the faces O f m y friends and rela

t i ve s at Milan when I presented m y husband to
them to se e if I could disco ver an y look Of su rp rise
o r disapproval ? I did not care to answer these
questions I did n ot want even to listen to them
,
in m y o wn hea rt That was wh y the look Of an x

.
ious solicitude in m y mother s e y es made m

’
e un
comfo rtable ; I felt that sh e had hoped to see m e
retu r n transfo rmed into another being hencefo rth ,
to be more like a sister than a daughter with a ,
hea rt swelling with e motions Of the kind which

must have formed almost the sole gleams Of hap
pin e ss in her past She forced me to adm
. it to
my se lf that all ill u si o n h ad b e e n di sp e lle d that i t ,
had n e ve r e xi sted in fact that all h ad b rutall y

,
bee n re vealed to me in that black day n o w a ye a r

past wh i ch I had imag in e d I had alm
, ost fo r go tten .
With m y mothe r in law o n t h e othe r hand I

- -
, ,
felt no n e cessi ty to be co nfi d ent i al All I wan t e d .
was to be o n goo d te rm s w ith h e r and t h e othe r

membe rs Of m y husban d s f am il y a n d I felt that
’
this ought n ot to b e diffi cul t They were prepare d .
to regard m e as somet hi n g d i ffere n t supe ri or , ,
compose d Of a finer more p rec i ous m e tal than

,
themselves and to be prou d Of thi s as Of so me

thing that flatte re d the ir self esteem Th e t wo Old -
people looked upon me as a m ere child w h il e m

.
y ,
sister in law though sh e p ro bably reali se d th at

- -
,
there was some laten t fo rc e hi d de n b e n eath m y

chil d like exte ri or app aren tly thought i t a fo rc e
-
,
in capable Of d evelop in g in to an y thin g ho st ile .
Fo r t h e r est t h e e n t ire fami l y looked upon t h e

,
scion as an i deal husb and o n e wo rthy in e ve ry ,
way Of ha ving wo n me
I us e d ge n erall y to fin d m y m
.
o th e r in law se ated - -
in the dusk in fro n t Of t h e huge chi m ne y place -

,
the fir e ligh t fa intl y illum in at in g the dark ear then

flo o r e d k i tchen who se d o o r l e a d in g to t h e k it che n
, ,
M arr i e d L ife 83
garden usually stoo d open W ith he r re d cheeks

, .
and regular salient featu re s she looked y ounge r

,
than sh e reall y was an d almost han dsome Sh e .
woul d smile at me difli de n t ly and ad dress me in

the second perso n plu ral Neither coul d m .
y
father in law bring h i mself to use t h e familiar
- -
“
thee in S peaki ng t o me Tall almost gi g antic
!
.
,
in height he was be n t and slow in his mo vements

, .
I t was he who d i d the fam il y pro viding ea ch morn

“
in g I s t h e L a dy B aron ess satisfie d ? he woul d
‘ !
say to h i s d aughter The latter an Ol d maid Of

.
,
th irt y o r so was alway s compla ining Of someth in g

, .
Sh e was selfish a nd d om ineerin g c ol d an d ill ,
balanced and he r m o the r w as afra id o f h e r I n

, .
fact her reputat i o n through out the place was that

Of a V ir ago though I was i gn o r an t Of thi s as I
, ,
was i gn o r ant Of t h e c i r cumstanc e that t h e whole

fam il y was un popular A numb e r Of y ears before
my fathe r in law had se rve d a term in p ri son
.
- -
n o t a ve ry u nc o m mon occu rrence in t h e dist ri ct

,
His son h ad tol d m e s o m e long an d co m

.
pl i cated
sto ry Of inju rie s an d affro n ts an d re p ri sals all ,
mean t to demo n strate h i s father s e nt ire i nn o ce nce’
a nd his flue ncy had c on vin ce d m

,
e N ow some .
,
t imes in t h e fl icke rin g l ights an d sh ado ws o f t h e

,
ki tch e n I would note some th in g O d d in the Ol d

man s mo vements ; t h e walls woul d seem to con
’
tract to close in about h i m l i ke those Of a cell the

, ,
cell in which he ha d passe d two y ears O f his l i fe .
He was so mild and conciliatory somet i mes eve n ,
Showing a touch Of the gen i ality wh i ch must once

have been habitual that I foun d my self fill e d wi th
,
pity fo r him a pity n ot unmixed with drea d

, .
The relat i ons between the vari ous members Of

this famil y seeme d strange to me In m .
y o wn
home eve ry thing ha d been bette r o rdered there ,
was s y stem d isc i pline

, On e th i ng struck me
.
e spec i all y an d ex e rcise d a spec i es Of fasc inat i o n
o ve r m e ; it was the respect fo r tra di t i on hab i t , ,
that e x i sted in that plain household the fixe d de ,
te rm in ation O f each ind i v i dual member to uphol d

the honour a n d credit Of their blood their name
!
thei r land In a thousand little m

, ,
. atters from the ,
way in wh i ch a ce r ta in d ish must be prepared o n

a gi v e n d at e to t h e rab id d efence Of e very th i ng
,
her b rother d id an d sa id whi ch m y siste r in law

- -
would display t o st rangers whe n onl y a mome n t

befo re p e rhaps Sh e had been abus in g h i m ro undly
, ,
to his face d i d I fin d a theo ry Of life ab so lute l y

,
oppose d to that which had moulde d m y o wn

how I st ill had som e c o nn e ct i on wi th the

.
facto ry through some work which m y fathe r

allowed me to do at home in o rder that I m i ght
appear st i ll to ha ve a certain k in d of in de pe n d
e nce but i t onl y occupied two o r th r ee hours Of
,
the day We subsc ri bed to two o r three papers

.
,
so that I had something to r ead and I still wrot e ,
to m y girl fri ends and to m y former school

‘
mistresses During the fir st month the wives Of

.
some Of the local magn ates called upon me and I

returned their v isi ts a little bored y e t somewhat
,
pleased too at t h e novelt y Of play in g the pa rt of

a marri e d woman .
What I like d best though was when some , ,
o n e Of m y husband s friends woul d c ome to se e

’
us in the evening A fter vau n ting t h e me ri ts

.
Of our co ffe e mach in e a ce rta i n wine in flasks

-
would be produced and the y woul d sit there sm

, ok
ing and sipping the i r w i ne and sometimes in thei r

talk so far forgett ing m y presence as to let slip
some expressi on in peasant d i alect When e ve r -
.
the d i scussion tu rne d upon polit i cs I woul d

join in los in g m
, y rese rv e for the t ime AS m y op .
p o n e n t s w ere all o n about the same intellectual
le vel as m y husban d I d id n ot have much

,
M arr i e d Li fe 87
trouble in putt ing them to fli ght w ith the force

Of m y logic .
At other times we woul d go to the house o f o n e

Of m y husband s relatives a leader i n the local de
’
-
mo cr acy where a number Of the men Of the place

,
, ,
sometimes accompani ed b y the ir w i ves were in ,
the habit Of con g re g atin g The i dl e gossipin g .

,
chatter Of the women alternated with noisy di s

e ussions b y the men I was re g arded on all hands
.
wit h in concealed di strust a survival Of the im

-
,
pressio n made by m y chi ldish eccentricities TO .
o n e sin gle person a y oung doctor recentl y ap

,
po in ted from Tuscan y who was boarding in o ur

,
relative s house di d I feel drawn He had inter

’
, .
e st e d me the very fi rst time we met b y his thou g ht
ful mann er and hi s correct way o f S peaking and ,
as it se emed to me O f th ink in g as well

, He was ,
.
well e ducated and highl y intellig ent an d must

have felt a little cu ri ous about me if he noticed ,
as probabl y he d id the contrast between m

, y cir
c um st an c e s and surround in g s and the character
lookin g out from behin d m y y outhful brow .
I would have liked to take an interest in the

nei ghbou r ing country people but I was now cut O ff
-
,
from all in tercourse with the fish e r fol k the peas -

,
ants or the operatives A s for the bourgeois they

.
seeme d to me to be even more hopelessly vul ga r

than I had supposed and without actually say ing
,
S O to m y self I was r eall y afraid that in time this

,
vulg a ri t y might drag me down with i t Alread y .
I had begun to fin d something rathe r en viable in

the inertia whi ch appeared to possess almost every
woman about me The lazy i gnorant care Of
.
,
thei r children their kitchens and their relig ious

, ,
duties filled up their ent i re existence The men .

,
thou gh a ffecting to be sceptics themselves r e ,
quired a st rict reli g ious Observance from the i r

women kind The same feeling albeit un co n
-
.
,
fesse d m
, ay have ex i sted in m y husband as well .
What he d id n ot want o n the other hand was , ,
chil dren an d this he constantl y told me Was it

,
.
selfishness ? No r had I y e t felt the tremor Of a

n ew life well up from the d epths o f my be ing a ,
life belo n ging wholl y to me which woul d b e clea r

,
to me which woul d transform m

, y own life .
“
M y fri ends are all praising y our cleve rn ess ;
they tell me I am to be env i ed for possessing such
a little wife ; m !
y husband info rmed me B ut I
was not impresse d Certainl y people gave me
.
the ide a that they thou ght m e attract i ve even ,

90 A Wo m
an at B ay
utive ; look ing at the date I found it was the pre

ceding summer du ring o u r engagement !
,
I to re the letters into a thousand p i eces he n o t ,
da ring to so much as Offe r a protest Wh y was .
it impossible to bel i eve him when he told me an

e labo r at e sto ry to accou n t for i t ? And wh y did
I su ffe r— suffe r as I did ? Was I S O much in love
w ith this man ? Or was something giving way ?
Th e e n t ire e di fi ce I ha d SO painfull y been e re ct in g
was i t c rum bl in g at m
,
y feet ?
The i mp ress i on se e me d to wear i tsel f o ut in a
v i o le n t attack Of weep ing I force d my self to
.
forget to absta in from self to rture Whatever

,
-
.
may have happe ne d before h e was my husband ,
now m, y companio n the man whom I must st ri ve

,
slowly ste adi l y to in flue n ce by fo rce Of m

, , y o wn
de ce n cy
I ne ve r u se d to se e m
.
y fathe r du ring thi s t ime

but m
,
y husb and spoke o f him sometimes usuall y ,
to complain Of hi s st rictness an d i rritab ilit y The .
ch ildren t o o talke d Of h i m occasionall y and m

, , y
mothe r as well He n ow i t seemed spent most
’
.
, ,
Of h i s t i me away from home never even troubl in g

,
himse lf t o kn ow whethe r hi s ch il dren were bein g

l o o ke d afte r o r n o t The whole house was in a
.
M arr ie d L i fe 9 1
state o f terror when he did happen to be there ,
and the moment the door clo sed o n hi s back the

children had the spectacle Of see in g their mothe r
burst into wild fits Of tears an d laments utterly ,
oblivious Of thei r presence Then the y oun gest

.
girl with infini te patience woul d set herself to

, ,
c al m her fin all y succeeding in soothi ng her and

,
bringing back the pathetic smile like that Of a ,
heart broken child to those poor wan lips My

-
, , .
other sister now thi rteen y ears Old a good quiet

, , ,
girl had graduall y assumed entire charge Of the

,
hou se keeping My brother used to break o ut

.
into loud complaints Of papa to me because he ,
woul d not send him to town to continue hi s educa

tion but kept him instead at the factory doing
, ,
work that was t o o heavy fo r hi m The entire .
household seemed to be l i v in g in hourly d read Of

some frightful catastrophe .
I felt as though I had n o t the strengt h e ven to

blame m y fathe r There were times when it
.
woul d flash through m y mind that perhaps I was

partly responsible for this complete shi pwreck Of
his moral nature b y reason Of m
, y o wn unhapp y
fate Had I n o t turned m
.
y back on him without
so much as raising a hand in the e ffo rt to keep him
92 A Wo m
an at B ay
at home n ear the children who had o n ce been h i s

,
p ride ? A fter all what ri ght had I had at fiftee n

y ears Of age to withdraw m y self indignan tly from
him to whom as I n ow realised I owed eve ryt h ing
, ,
in me that was admirable ? A nd some Of these

reproaches I directed at mamma Her weakness .
,
her unresistin g surrender to her fate irritated me , ,
all the more that I was forced to recognise a r e

semblanc e to he r i n t h e manne r in which I too , ,
had resi gned my self to m y destin y .
M y u nh app y mother was howe v er suffe ri n g

, ,
fri ghtfull y ; not mentall y onl y but ph y sicall y she

,
was passing thr ough a c risis that racked her whole

sy stem Hints which sh e let fall in her desulto r y
.
talk made m e S hudder to the v e ry core Of m y now ,
conscious feminine being And Od dl y enough

,
.
, ,
it seemed to me that this now more than ever

made it impossible for me to act the par t of com
forter to t h e woman wh o was m y mother Ah .
,
wh y was I n o t reall y the lovi ng wife she supposed

me to be — the j oy ous creatu re c apable Of ten
de r e st pity fo r her who h e ld o ut h e r e mpty hands
appeal ingl y for lost joys ?
And my father what were h is sensation s? What
,
did the doctor as he administered quieting p o t i ons

,
And all t h e wh il e the we eks we re flying b y ;

su m mer had c ome al mo st without my being
awar e of i t SO in e r t w as I in m
, ind as well as i n
bo dy .
One n ight there c ame a knockin g at the door .
It was m y mothe r supported b y m y father in law

- -
,
her cloth in g in disord er with staring eyes emi tting

, ,
unintelligible sound s She had left her home

.
unn otice d by the se r v ant and had been wande r

i ng about the streets possibl y for hours un t il
, , ,
enc oun te ri ng my fathe r in law he had brough t- -

,
her to me Perhaps sh e had yielded to an o ver

.
mast e r mg imp ul se t o go in search o f my fathe r !

I sto o d li ke o n e thunder struck ; then in a -
,
flash I ha d a vision o f the house standing op e n

, ,
wi th the un cons cio us ch ildren l ying asleep with in

an d th i s human t r age d y wh i ch had sought m
,
o ut in t h e m iddl e Of the ni ght arouse d a su dd e n

feel in g o f sa v age re v olt I too was shaking wi th
.
, ,
feve r and I po ure d o ut a tor re n t o f an gr y b i tte r ,
wo rd s at t h e u n fo rt un ate in val i d as in c ohe rent ,
al m o st as he r o wn
, 0 my moth e r !
. An d all
for lo ve of a man wh o was utterly un wo rthy Of i t !
I se e myself stand in g erect beside m
, y b e d h al f ,
d resse d wh ile sh e leaning against the wall

, , ,
M ar r ie d L i fe 95
watche d me c ryin g all the while in a furti ve sort

,
o f way . The doctor who had been sent for at

,
once presentl y arrived ; he admi n istered a power

,
ful soothin g dr aught and She then asked t o be

,
taken back to her children I lay d own again

. .
In the darkn ess and s ilence I kept go in g over and

over the whole horrible scene I c ould feel the
.
fever mountin g and with the fe ver c ame a wil d

hatred o f life an unutterable sense o f weari ness
,
and disgust t o which there seemed t o be n o end .
The docto r returned A germ of new life which

,
had barel y ye t stirre d Wi th in m

.
e — was e xt in ct
.
TRA G E D Y AN D HOP E
O R man y da ys I layutterl y ine rt repeating ,
to m yself in a whisper the single word :

M am ma ; wondering if I should have lo ve d
that little be i ng o f my o wn flesh and bloo d but ,
incapable o f feeling any passion o f regret fo r t h e

child I had not had the stren g th to bear .
And all the time I was pierced w i th a feeling

o f remorse a feeling that held me down sapped
, ,
my self respect took away all the j o y o f li ving

-
, .
It was the memo ry o f m y mother o f t h e ,
torrent o f bitter words which had pour ed o ut

of m y mouth o n that dr eadf ul night What .
had m y mother meant to me ? Ha d I lo ve d

her ?
I dared not answer these questions whil e I saw
,
m yself as well un der a new asp e ct in all t h e

, , ,
desolation o f that shattered dream o f motherhoo d

which had lightened me fo r a single in stan t o nly
96
with he r o wn peopl e because he r husband h ad

not found them congenial B el i e vi ng in t h e .
Catholic Faith though possibl y onl y in a spi ri t

,
o f half h e a rte d mystic i sm an d with no real lo ve

-
for i t s p r a c t ic es he r relig i on had neve r a fforde d

,
her the smallest consolat i on in her troubles .
Endowed with a livel y an d warm imagination an d

exquisit e taste sh e had n e vertheless ne v er ap , ,
plie d herself to any o f the arts nor had an y gr eat ,
masterpie c e e ver taken he r o ut o f herself for

a single moment Not a friend not an a dvise r
.
,
e v er on he r path U ncertain health a frail

.
,
constitution long illnesses

,
.
Poo r p o o r soul ! O f what a v ai l were you r

,
beauty goodness intelli gence ? Life d emanded

, ,
strength and yo u did not have it to gi v e .
Lo ve sacrifice and then sub m

, ,
l S Sl o n su ch had ,
been you r fate I s i t perhaps the fat e o f e v er y

.
, ,
woman ?
A bout a mo n th ha d e lapse d s inc e my illn e ss I .
ha d see n the in v al id onl y once o n o n e o f h e r ,
q uiet days wh en sh e had con v ersed almo st

n ormally Sh e had star tled me by saying sud
.
s
de n ly: Ah i f yo u h ad o nly h ad a c hil d ! Wh y

“
,
h a v e n t yo u a child ?
’ !
T r ag e dy an d Ho pe 99
She had longed for a gran dchild fo r a renewal , ,
as it were o f her o wn maternit y

,
.
A fter that the doctor forbade m y mak ing an y

more v isits Every aftern oon my b rother woul d
.
come i n fo r a few mi nutes to se e me bri nging m y ,
little s i ster panting with e yes dilate d Mamma

, , .
n o longer e v en recogn i se d their voices ! Sometimes

sh e t h reatened them at others S he was quite wil d
, .
The n urse could n o t manage her now alone ! An d

the c hild woul d burst in to tears an d throw herself
i nto m y arms ; while the b o y w ou l d grind his
teeth with rag e because he was not Old enough to
inter fere and carry the poor i nv ali d O ff far from ,
h imwho woul d not ha v e pity up o n her

Papa somet i m
.
es c ame as well mo o d y e n ig , ,
mat ical taci tu rn ; wh ile we all cont inued to re gard

,
hi m w i th a species o f terror that held us sp e ll

bound and made us powerless to act .
A t last the docto rs announced that the pat ie n t

must have regular treatment in some institution
that abo ve all she must no longer be left wi th
, ,
the terri fie d childre n .
The re mo val Of the poor a ffli c ted inv alid t o a

,
neighb o uri n g town was in fact after all the se

, ,
mo nths of misery an intense relief t o the poor

,
1 00 A Wo m
an at B ay
little thi n gs That ge ntle melancholy face wh i ch

.
, ,
the y had been accustomed to se e at their bed

Sides from infanc y had g iven place to a spectral
,
figure who the y could not feel love d them and

whom they were afraid o f ceasing to love O h .
,
soon enou gh the memory even o f that d ark , ,
d ream would be erased from their m in ds !

And I would I e ve r be able to implore her
,
fo rgi veness to tell h e r o f t h e so rr ow that the

,
memo ry Of m y un fil i al conduct caus e d me ? Ever

make her kn ow that at l ast I un de rstood her ?
No ; never Never would m.
y voice steal into her
heart ; never a g ain wo ul d I be abl e to speak to m y
mother I kn ew i t ; I kn ew th a
. t it was all over .
O f herself o f what Sh e had been nothing would

, ,
rema in t o us but t h e me mo ry l i ke a sinister ,
warn ing .
The round o f d ay s an d we e ks began again .
Slowl y I recovere d from m y state Of phy sical

prostration but mental act i vity seeme d to be
,
ext inct I h ad n o compla in t t o make I fanc i ed

. .
that t h e sequence o f tragi c e ve n ts whi ch had been

crowde d into m y sho rt life ha d enl ightened me as
to t h e whole ran ge o f human d est in y that strange ,
p ri son-
h o u se wher e e v,
e ry thi n g i s futile u n real ;,
fac e the real i ty o f our situat i o n an d had e ntere d

into a taci t agreement to keep up mutuall y cord i al
and indulgent relation s Yet th i s was n ot reall y
H e bel ieve d st ill that I l o ve d hi mand
.
t h e case .
that fo r hi s o wn pa rt he t o o lo ve d m e a little
as so meth in g belonging wholl y to hi m

, , , , ,
se lf ; a piece
o f h i s o wn prope rt y o r perhaps from som e con
, , ,
ve n t i o n al i dea Of d ut y I flattere d hi s p ri d e b y
.
my beauty whi ch had flowered again by my

, ,
in telligenc e and by t h e gentle obed ience I y ielded

,
to all hi s jealous wh ims ne v er taki n g offense, ,
but merel y smil ing at them Th e onl y cause for .
comp la int he had against me lay in m y i ncre as ing

repugn ance to eve ry attempt at pe rve rs i on o n hi s
part He could not un der stand i t and kept search
.
ing about fo r som e re ason whil e I thought Of ,
nothi ng but how to protect my s e lf m

‘
in dful ,
chi efly of the phy si cal distress .
Thus the day s and weeks wore o n — a pe ri o d
whi ch notwi thstanding some o c currences whi ch

,
stand out sha rply in m y mem o ry h as rema ined ,
the most in di st inct of m y life t h e most d if fi cul t

to analy se The onl y cl e a r im
,
. pres s i o n I have
preserved is that somethi n g I do n t at all kn ow ,
’
what prevented me from becom ing hopelessl y

,
T r ag e dy an d H o pe 1 03
embittered hopelessly maimed and forced me

, ,
to g o o n livin g automaticall y as it were and with

, ,
a certain instinctive pride in m y own silent ao

quiescence in m y fate Hitherto the memo ry of
.
my childhood had been an oasis to which I could

alway s turn , but with it there now invariably
came the visio n Of m y unhapp y mother in her
tragic surroun d ings as I had last seen her a fe w
weeks after sh e was taken away and instantly ,
I woul d feel a Shudder something o f the sensation

,
o f o n e who slipping o n a glacier should feel the

, ,
tuggin g at the rope as h is companion plunges

in to the aby ss O h m
.
y mothe r s voice so changed
,
’
,
already ramblin g on incohe rentl y ! And that

,
hu g e building with its babel o f lau ghter an d sobs ,
like the echoes from som e tumultuous crowd

divided from the rest o f the world by a high ,
i mpassable wall ; an d the vast bare corridors ,
travers e d onl y by the keepers wea ring great

bunche s o f ke y s at their waists while now an d ,
agai n in passing some half—open door o n e woul d

, ,
catch fly in g gl impses of a wide ey e d vacantly -

,
sm il ing face from whi ch e ven the ghost o f t h e

,
inn e r spirit had fled .
And then at last that wh it e room w ith it s

, , ,
barred w indow before wh i ch m y mother woul d

stand by the hou r call in g o ut to the town l ying
distan t and beautiful in the sun as a chil d ,
w ill sometimes call to t h e woods an d lake s to

come to i t I qui tte d that abod e of sorrow with
.
inwa rd tremors unable to weep o r eve n to S peak

, ,
conscious onl y o f an acute sense of phy sical suffer

in g whi ch both unnerved and re volted me It .
was an indesc ri bable feeling like a n uncontrollable

i mpulse to run away to escape from destiny
, ,
to miss the roa d that leads to t h e mad house -

.
Thus a year went b y a year o f gr e y envelop in g

, ,
,
—
shadows and then then the tremor within me
,
o f a new life and the ine f fable pe ri o d o f waitin g .
M y first sensations were o f d oubt almost o f ,
te rr or a doubt unexpresse d but torturin g as to

, , ,
what kin d o f d ispos i tion m y ch i l d wo ul d inher i t

from m e an d from m y partner Then there were
.
othe r quest i ons n o t so profoun d but se ri ous

, ,
n e ve rtheless as to the mate ri al outlook and m

, y
o wn attitu d e towards matern i t y .
These fir st impressions quickl y disappeare d and

I dare d to face the future to a c cept i t wi t h a
,
c ourage that was all the stronge r in proportion

to whom o ur purel y civ il marriag e had been a so rt

o f nightmare was to make her in stantl y extract a
,
“
promise from me that I woul d make a Christian
Of the bab y I agreed recall ing that m
.
, y mother
had Obta in ed a similar concession from m y father .
A t the same t i me I made i t clearl y to be un

de r st o o d that I S houl d not tolerate an y in ter
ference o n the part o f either h e r o r her dau ghte r
in the matter o f h o w the ch ild was to be reared
hav in g made up m y m
,
i n d to ignore ce rta in bar

barous customs st ill pre v alent in that part o f t h e
country a n d to spare i t from its cra dl e all S wad
,
dl in g bands amulets and other questi onable so

-
, , ,
c alled precautions To th i s m
,
.
y mother ih law
- -
made answer with a sp iri t quite in c o n t r ast t o

,
'
her usual meek mann er Ten chil dr en hav e I

borne a nd nurse d every one o f them m
,
, y self
O f her ten ch il dr en however six die d in i n
, ,
fan c y an d the surv ivors had onl y the i r good

,
luck to thank She assure d me that all childr en

.
ha d to have fi v e o r six illn esses in the cours e

o f which G o d fr eq uently calle d some o f the m
,
away to turn them into angels .
Poor old soul ! sh e helped me o ut and baste the

l i ttle sh irt s and un der wa i sts and thus occupied
-
, ,
T r ag e dy an d Ho pe 1 07
in the peace and tranquillit y of o ur S ittin g room -

,
enjo ye d a period o f real happiness that softene d

her but o f which sh e d oubtless was half ashame d .
People wh o ha ve su ffered throughout their entire

lives frequentl y come to think that the y are not
intended to be happ y Misfortun e howe ver was
.
, ,
about to strike her once again .
My father in law and my husband took t o the ir

- -
beds at ab o ut the same time the o n e with an acut e

,
attack o f rheumatism from which he had long

,
been a su fferer and the other with quinsy Al

,
.
though the Old man did not seem at first to b e , ,
seriousl y ill his wife and daughter were both kept

,
i n constant attendance at his bedside and I had

no o n e to help me nurse m y husband whose case ,
took a r apid turn fo r the worse O ne night i t .
seeme d to me as though his breath ha d faile d

entirel y ; the doctor summ oned in haste made a
, ,
gesture o f despair ; sym ptoms o f diphtheria ha d

appeared and notwithstanding m
, y own condition ,
he was unable to hide the fact from me My .
determination that nothing should i rn pe r il the

life of the little creature I was bearing enable d ,
me however to face the situation calml y and with

,
fortitude ; I kept the patient in ignorance Of h is

1 08 A Wo m
an at B ay
real conditio n and watched h imnight and day ,
hardl y taking an y time to re st feel in g c e rtai n

,
that the performance o f so i m

. perat ive a d uty
coul d not have fatal conse quen c es .
In a few days the disease was g ot un d e r c o ntrol

a n d the S ick man learned fo r the first t i me o f the
danger through which h e had passed but there ,
was no tim e for rej oicing ; m y father i n law

- -
suddenl y gr ew worse and a fo rtni ght later he was

dead .
It was the fir st time that death had come close

to me ye t I did not feel ve ry deepl y shocked
, .
Perhaps I had reached t h e end o f m y forces All .
my dominant facul ties were now tensel y fixed upon

the event which was to control m y futur e life but
with the rhetoric Of grief I became fam
,
iliar M y .
husband an d sister in law though they ha d never

- -
, ,
from infancy shown an y a ffection for their father

, ,
regardin g h i m apparentl y solel y in the light o fthe

keeper o f t h e famil y purs e n o w nois il y pro claim
, ,
ed
their so rr ow ; perhaps fo r a tim e they im
,
agin e d
that they reall y were intensel y un h appy All .
thi s brou ght back to me assertions whi ch I h ad

frequentl y heard m y father make as to the h y
p o c r i sy prevalent in the nei ghbourhood He had

.
1 1 0 A Wo m an at B ay
Woe to him who S houl d d are to utt e r a wor d

a g ainst the sanctit y of ma rri age o r t h e theo ry o f
,
parental autho ri ty ! Wo e t o himwho shoul d pre

sume to let t h e publ i c kn o w what h e reall y was !
This it was that h ad cau se d m y fath e r t o b e so
savagel y c ri t i c i se d an d di sl ike d by the little coteri e
o f people who were hi s in fe ri o rs ; an d it was th i s
that was d ri v ing hi m e ve r furthe r an d furthe r in

the oppos i te direct i o n And in su ch an atmos
.
p h e r e m y so n was to g r o w up !
I awaited hi s comin g in a m o o d o f s e ve re in
t r o spe c t i o n fig ht in g ene rg e t ic all y aga inst every
,
ten de n cy to d e spo ndency multiply ing the most

,
mi n ute p re parati on s and de e ply mo ve d withal

, , ,
by the se n se o f t h e di gni ty wi th whi ch I was once

more in ve ste d in th at sup reme hou r And alway s
e was t h e im ag e o fm y m
.
,
eve r pre se n t wi th m other

y y outhf ul m othe r as sh e m
,
of m
,
, ust hav e ap
pe ar e d in th o se far away u n kn ow n y e ars o f m y

-
,
bab y hoo d I fe lt in sp iri t t h e glow o f that love

.
, ,
whi ch must have be e n lav i she d upo n me eve n as

I was now flood ing w i th m y love t hi s pe ri o d Of
wait ing .
MO T H ER H OO D
HEN in the unce rtain light o f a ra iny

,
April dawn I pressed m , y lips fo r t h e

fir st t i me to the little head o f m y so n it seemed to
me that at last someth in g o f the celestial had
,
, ,
entered in to life ; that go o dne ss had taken up i ts

abo d e with m e ; that I was n o w an ato m o f t he
i n finite a happy fragmen t detached from both

,
t h e past and the future floati n g in infinit e r adiant

, ,
my st e ry Tw o great t e ars slowly welle d up into

.
my e yes I cl asp e d my ch ild in my arms ; li ving

.
,
l i v ing l iving ! My blood m

, y essence was cours
, ,
in g th rough i ts ve in s ; i t was my ve ry self all o fm e ,
alrea dy an d y e t it re qu i re d every th in g o f me ,
now and alway s I gave life to h i m a seco nd

, .
time together with the promise the o ffe r o f m

, y , ,
o wn , in that long li ght kiss which was l i ke a

, ,
spi r itual se al .
My husband appeared tearful with j o y I , .
I I I
sm ile d at hi m then fell asleep L ater o n l y ing

, .
,
restfull y among the fresh linen I remember sm il ,
ing at m y s i sters who had come in an d I can r ecall ,
glanc ing in the mirro r which one o f them hel d

before me and see ing what app e ared t o b e a
,
glow ing v i s i o n o f mate rnity a creatu r e wi th ,
b rilliant chee ks shinin g e y es an d smooth whi t e

, ,
forehead M y father ha d suddenl y arri ved as

.
well and t h e doctor was g ivin g him all the details

, ,
tell ing how I had been taken ill at two o clock in ’
the night h o w the pa in h ad rapi dl y increased

, .
A half hou r o f su ffe ring t h e fin al spasm and then

-
, ,
relief with the first littl e wa il o f t h e infant who

, ,
was it appeared exceptionall y robust and per ,
The sente n ces fell upon m

,
fe c t ly fo r med .
y ears
like an account o f som e long distant e ven t o f -
whi c h m y senses preserv ed o nl y a fe ve ri sh memory .
Yes it was m
, y bod y t ha t had bee n wrapped
about w i th tongues o f flame M y fore he ad had .
been we t with i ce col d m o i stu re Fo r a second ?

-
.
for ete rnit y —had I bee n a wretched c reature

begg ing fo r mercy forgotten b y all t h e world , ,
franticall y graspin g the empty air in a vain search ,
ing fo r som e support m —

y voice had changed to
a rattl e ; y e s I had thought I was e n te rin g the
,
t iny face as i t n estled agai nst m y bosom I w as ,
se i ze d by a n other parox y sm o fi ne ffabl ej o y .
F o r a week I existed in a sort o f blissful d ream ,
SO fil le d w i th sp iri tual e n ergy that I was un c o n
sci ous o f any ph y s i cal weak n ess an d fanc i e d th at

,
I was about to conque r the worl d During the .
long hours when the l i ttl e o n e lay sleep in g in his

whit e cr a dl e at m y be d s ide an d s ile nc e re i gned
,
in the di mly lighte d r oom I woul d g ive free rein

,
to my i maginat i on followi ng o ut t wo separate

lines of thou ght O ne which ha d t o do with the
.
,
b o y was a summing up o f all my d reams o f

,
t h e pre c edi n g months pla n s embo d y in g all the

,
sweet an d se ri ous duties o f m y offi c e o f nurse ,
in structor an d companion The other wh i ch was

, .
,
the fir st d i st in ct impulse I had eve r fe lt t o wards

outward a rtist ic expression filled me with n e w an d
,
exc i ting se n sations ; it was the outl in e o f a b o ok

which I was beg in n in g to sketch in m y m i n d and
wh i ch I thought I would wr i te so soon as I should
,
be strong enough i n the lon g pea c eful hou r s spent

, ,
besi de m y bo y s cra dle

’
. And so I would l i e in a
semico n s ci ou s state sm , il e d upo n by the se glo ri ous
im aginings .
I t was the e ighth n ight after t h e bab y s bi rth ; ’

M o t h e r ho o d 1 5
I was murmuring a st rin g Of foolish tender words ,
in the little creat ure s ear when suddenl y I saw

’
the bab y face break into a smile a S low brilliant

, , ,
wonderful smi le The e ffect produced upon m

. e
was so ove rpowe rin g that fo r a moment I thought

I was g o in g to faint .
I did not believe the doctor the next morn ing

when he tol d me that what I took for a smile could
onl y have been a fac i al contraction absolutely ,
unconscious and the result probabl y of the sense

,
.
,
Of ph ysical c omfort i n which the little bod y just ,
warme d and fe d had found itself N O it was too

, .
,
sweet to th in k that alread y between me and my

,
child a current o f sympath y had been established

, ,
and that in the S ilence and m ystery o f the night

, ,
with noth in g before his e ye s but m y tender lov ,
ing face th e bab y had begun to assert the ind i

,
viduali t y o f the little ma n !
The d o c tor regarded me affectionatel y told me ,
not to get exc ited and above all n o t to worry as I

had begun to do fanc ying that the bab y was
,
growing thinner . He declared that my mi lk was

quite sufficient an d that there was nothin g at all
to be anxious about
Throughout the whole o f that day I kept wa rm
.
in g my heart with t h memory o f that nocturnal

e
smile which had flashed upon me like a foretaste ,
o f the jo ys m y so n was to bestow upon me later o n .
Evening came and with it m, y t wo sisters and

their governess to pay m e a little vi sit I lay .
talking happil y to them fairl y bubbling over with

,
inward content when presentl y m

, , y sister i n law
,
- -
a rrive d U tterly i gno rin g the presence o f the

.
o ther v is i tors, she kisse d the bab y and then r e

mained standing with a sour look o n her face
, .
The others exchanged glance s then quietl y con ,
tin n ed the con versation and in a little while went

,
awa y merel y inclining their heads Slightl y as

,
the y passe d the incorri gible ma rplot The door .
had not close d when the latter was at m y beds i de

pouring o ut a torrent o f abuse o n t h e departin g
vi sitors I t was an Ol d gru d ge sh e had ag ainst
.
my sisters fo r never coming to se e he r but sh e had ,
never let me feel the full force o f i t till n ow M y .
husband remonstrated mil dl y ; I uttered a few

sc ornful wor d s the n fell back e xh auste d o n the
,
pillows putting t h e baby awa y from m

, y breast as
I felt the fe v er moun ting in m y ve i ns while the ,
servant a n xiousl y expostulated i n an unde rtone .
Fo r a long time t h e frantic woman stormed an d

yo uth tries to repulse death as be in g a m onstrous

in justi ce
.
I t soon appeared that if the little creature s

,
’
life was to be saved I would have to y ield I

, .
arr anged that the we t n u r se shoul d li v e i n the

-
house and that the bab y should sleep at m y side .
I believe I S hould have grown to hate t h e y oun g

woman who supplante d m e with her stupi d,
regul ar features and her awkward heavy move ,
ments ; but it presentl y appeared that neither

had she su fficient mil k to sat i sfy the littl e glutton
who had n o w felt the p inch o f hun ger B y t h e .
end of a week S he t o o had to b e replaced The

, , .
new nurse who had a modest bea ri ng an d good

, ,
g entle expression soon calmed all m

,
, y fears for the

little one s health D iv inin g m
’
.
y maternal jealous y ,
the poor little woman wo ul d n ot so much as kiss

the tin y bei ng sh e was n ou ri sh ing at her breast
and ex e rte d all her self cont rol n o t in an y way to
-
trespass on m y ri ghts Thus I was able to recove r

.
my calm resi gning my self t o di rect ing the function

,
whi ch I could n o lon ge r perfo rm while m y nerves ,
gradually recovered the i r balance from whi ch they

had been extraord ina ri ly wrenched I see my self .
as I was at this time white both i n dress and

, ,
M o th e r h o o d 1 1 9
complex i on ; stretched out in a bi g arm chair e n -

,
de avo ur in g to warm my self in the May sunshine ,
and at the same time listenin g absent minde dl y

, ,
-
to the doctor s discourse ; he bein g the sole person

’
who now in hi s almost dail y visits introduced a

, ,
spark o f human compan ionshi p into m y life

An ae m
.
i a had got possession o f me never more to ,
loosen its hold I paid little heed to m

.
y con di tion
but m
,
y n erv es strun g to the hi ghest pitch

, ,
reflecte d it pa in fully The question o fthe ch ild s

.
’
h y giene posse ssed me like an obsession I pushed .
it to extremes and made demands upon the nurse

which at times must have seemed almost cruel
, , ,
though in m y c al mer moments I was intensel y

grateful to her Thus between his two nurses
.
, ,
my b o y bloomed like a flower I coul d feel my

love for h imincre asing in intensity hour by hour ;
.
he laid hol d upo n the ve ry depths o f m y n ature ;

my whole life be came concen trated upon that o n e
l i ttle be ing .
I di d not not i ce that I had become wholl y

in d i fferent to m y husband that I no lon ger ,
even thou ght about him M y indul gent attitude .
towards him h ad n o w become a matter o f habit

y ch ild the man whom
.
He was the father o f m ,

1 20 A Wo m
an at B ay
some day t h e bo y must be taught to respect ,
an d so I acted towa rds both him and other people

in a manner intended to keep up t h e illusion with
regard to hi s moral character and to make him
,
appear more wo rthy o f me an d o f hi s paterni t y .
I was gratified when h e showe d s i gn s of bein g

interested o r please d by the little daily progresses
m ade by t h e bab y when he sympathi sed to an y
,
extent in m y ceasel e ss solicitudes o r except in

, ,
the matter Of nocturn al derangements bore with ,
my dislike Of e verythin g that was n ot my bab y s ’
smile .
A s though some fatal ity were han gin g over the

nurs ing o f the chi ld when he was not quite five
,
months o ld hi s foster mother lost a d au ghter

-
an d he r bre ast became dr y Anothe r woman

.
now took up her abode in o ur house ; a dark red ,
cheeked shapely creature the exact opposite in

, ,
characte r to the o n e who had left I do not r e c o l

.
lect e ve r having m e t a more s ill y fanciful o r

, ,
obst inat e person than that woman Fo r man y .
months I struggl e d wi th m y feelin gs t ry in g to

,
force my self t o b e leni ent to he r whi le all the

,
while t h e bab y d eveloped del i c i ously in gr ace and

stre n gth She had a way Of burst i ng into a loud
.
,
an in her en t flaw in m y nature that was mak ing

i tself felt The mother in me was not an integral
.
part of the woman and the jo ys and griefs ex

, ,
q u i si t e l y pu r e i n essence wh ,i ch came to me
through that rosy palp i tat in g thi n g cont r aste d
, ,
with a wa n t of stability with alte rn at i ons o f ex

,
c it e m e n t an d in ertia ,
o f long ings a n d mi se ri es
,
whose ori gi n I coul d not account for an d whi ch

made me appear in m y o wn e ye s a c reature with
o ut bala nc e in complete
, .
AN I N TRUD E R
kept a little book at this time in which I jotte d

down the most important dates as the y o c
curred i n the frail life upon which m y o w n de
pended and which I inhaled as thou gh it had been
, ,
in fact the very breath of m

, y existence These
.
entries together with a few brief notes o n certain

,
phases o f the infant life and o f the varying emo

,
tions which these aroused in me constitute m , y

d ébut as a writer .
I can se e a gain the little naked bo dy o f m

, y so n
in his bath suppo rted o n m
, y ne rv ous hands ;
beautiful with a beauty whose perfection I r e
garded in humbleness o f mind almost appr e h e n
,
Sive ly, imaginin g possible di sfigur e m en t s and ,
wondering whether had un happiness set some

,
deforming mark upon him I should have loved ,
him so much ; then telling my self that under an y

possible conditions I would surel y ha v e mad e life
1 23
beautiful for m y bo y I can se e the look o f him

.
n ow indescribable brilliant as a stretch o f blue

, ,
sky ; the d el ic ious flower l ike mouth the l i ttl e

,
-
,
head co vere d with fin e chestnut brown ha ir and

, ,
-
,
t h e tin y restl e ss hand s t r yan n i cal n e v e r st ill , , .
I can se e m yself t o o bending o ver the cradl e

, ,
h o ur after hour day an d n ight often indeed

, , , ,
weary ye t with m
, y breast hea vin g with a happ i
ness that was solemn almost m ystic , .
I was as necessar y to m y b o y as he was t o me ,
and m y ceaseless v igilance resulted in makin g

him a S plendid example o f perfect babyhood .
It was I who developed him without ai d from an y

o n e — —
I alon e d etermi n atel y He belonge d t o .
me for I was the onl y person wh o g av e herself up

,
to him wholl y ; his fathe r his gr andmothe r all ,
t h e rest of them might e nj o y the specta c le but I

, ,
was its author Some day h e would re c ogni se

.
this and se e that to me he owed it all .
The wet nurse left when t h e bab y was n o t qui t e

-
a year o ld Du ri ng that sprin g a nd summ

. er I
used to soak m yself in sun sh in e I an d t h e bab y ,
together For a little way I would gui d e the

.
tottering footsteps ; then snatching the little ,
creature up in m y arms I would bear him far ,

was rumo ure d in the neighbourhood that sh e n ow

was subjected to no o n e could say what degr ee of
, ,
ill treatment at her daughter s hands Sh e never

-
’
made an y complai n t but sh e gr ew m

.
, o re and
more bowed an d silent Were su cc ess i o ns Of .
b i tter memori e s pass i ng through her m ind ?

The influe nc e o f t h e bab y had somewhat r e
store d the o ld relations betwee n m y bro the r a n d
s i sters an d m yself ; their go ve rn ess mor eove r had , ,
left to take a better posit i on an d there had been

n o effort to r eplac e her Eve ry t wo mo n ths we
.
went t o see mamma She n o w n o longer aske d

.
to be take n home and di splaye d less and le Ss

,
in terest i n o ur ner v ous talk She was gr owing .
v er y st o ut a sympt o m that wo rri ed t h e do c tors

, ,
and h e r mann e r and language b e c am e st e adily

mo re ch il di sh .
T h e ch i l dre n we re be g innin g t o real i se mo re

clearly thei r condi t i on of mo ral aband o nmen t an d
fran kl y t o e xpress thei r di sapproval o f papa s ’
con duct but th e y d i d n ot open their hea rts to

,
me They do ubtless k n ew that I was my self

. , ,
far from happ y and pe rhap s they were e ven sorry

,
for me but the y c er t ainl y considered me a p e rson

,
wi th ve ry little feeling The kn owledge o f this

.
A n I n tr ude r 1 2 7
trouble d me y e t I had not the force t o fight i t

,
down o r even to t r y to w in them over .
O ccasionall y I would se e m y fathe r n ow c o m

,
ple t e ly absorbe d in the bus iness o f money mak in g

-
,
especiall y since he had leased the facto ry an d ,
utterl y in differen t alike to the n eglected state o f

,
hi s children and to the inc r e asing ill feeling whi ch

-
thi s circumstance arouse d in those about h im .
He seeme d to regard m y b o y as a rathe r att r act i ve

little an imal but m
, y husband cont inued t o fin d
scant favou r in hi s ey es although he ha d raised
,
him to the post Of vice director T O the life Of

-
.
the place he was now a perfect stranger F o r .
my self hi s v iews h ad become too cy nical for them

,
to be Of an y help to me as in the o ld day s Al .
way s now when I was talkin g to hi m I felt as

, , ,
though I were bein g swept around and around

in an ever w i de ning c i rcle o f ideas only an d o n
-
, ,
retu r nin g to m y room to t hi n k i t all over i t was ,
just as though I were falling down a deep narrow ,
Not even m
,
su ffocat in g well y conve rsat i o n s

with m y fri en d the d octor ha d the e ffect o f draw
ing out the mo r e o ri gin al an d vigorous s ide o f m y
m in d
It was interest ing to di s cuss the do c t o r s calm
.
’
,
al most fatalist i c v iews y e t these pe rplexed e ven

, , ,
d i sconce rte d me at times It m ay have bee n that .
o u r s y mpath y was fou nd e d o n a rad i cal di f ference

in educatio n c omb in e d w i th a great sim ilari ty o f
tast e s ; but I was n o t y e t sure o f my self and h is
w as n ot t h e m
,
ind t o induce ce rt ain ty o f an y so rt

in mine .
What m ore o ve r was hi s re al o p inio n o f m

, , e ?
Ce rtainl y I had no idea o f posi ng eithe r for h i m o r ,
for an y o n e else as a woman to be p i t i e d

, .
All the sam e the task I had se t my self with

,
regard to m y husban d was b e com i ng mo re an d

more difficult I t se e med as though e ve n t h e
.
selfish s o rt o f affect i on he o n c e had bo rn e m e was
cooling N e w susp i cions as t o his fidelity had

.
force d the msel ve s upon m e in t h e cas e o f a hand
some bol d face d y oung ope rat ive whos e pa rt he

,
-
had qu i te unjustly espouse d in Opposit i o n to m

, , y
fathe r On t h e othe r han d hi s jealous in st in cts
.
sur vive d in full fo rc e an d h e was becom in g more

,
an d more t y rannic al .
O ne day in co n se que n c e o fso me trifl ing d ispute

, ,
I don t remember what abo ut I saw him fo r t h e

’
,
first time fall into a towering passion Se i zing .
a new gown I was about to put o n he tore i t apa rt , .

twen ty pe rso n s would assemble in the t in y s alon

to listen to the Secretar y s N eapolitan songs o r ’
t o jo in in the gabble o f argum

,
ent and d i s cuss i on .
On e perso n who neve r f ail e d to be the re was

my si ster in law an d I n otice d with e xtre me
- -
, ,
su rp ri se that e ve r S inc e lay in g O ff her m o u rnin g

, , ,
sh e had bee n ind ulg ing in ce rta in feeble attempts
at elegan c e a so rt o f self c o n scious co q uet ry

,
-
.
Sh e was mo re o ve r openl y j e alous o fal l u n ma rri ed

, ,
wome n y oun ger o r more attract i ve than herself .
N o one howe ver paid an y attentio n to he r e xcept

, ,
the d octor ; h e had atten d ed her a few months

before du rin g an attack o f neural gia and n o w he ,
woul d occas i on ally ad d ress some sarcast ic re mark

t o he r accompani e d b y a d i scon c e rting sm il e upon ,
wh ich S he woul d hang her head app e ar cu ri ously ,
c o n fused an d make no attempt to repl y

, .
Th e d octor e xpresse d sat i sfact i on at see in g me

w ill in g t o take part in these re un i ons where as a ,
fact the re was much that I foun d uncongeni al

, .
I was so utt e rly shut Off howe ve r from di st raction

, ,
o f an y k ind that I went rea dil y enough

, I foun d .
,
too that I was treate d with a deferen ce that was

,
ve ry flatte rin g com ing as i t d id from indivi dual s

who were a c custo m
, , ,
ed to look d own upon all

A n I n tr ude r 1 31
women B eside the reputation for jealousy which

.
my husband had got this was certainly due to my

,
o wn bearing that o f a thoughtful q ui et ch ild

, , ,
utterl y di fferent from the man n er o f t h e women

to whom the y were ac custome d a n d which acted ,
as a check up o n all these men forcing them to ,
produce whateve r their m i n ds mi ght co n tain

that was least vul gar .
O ne even ing while the Secr etary was playing

, ,
I suddenl y became aware that the e yes o f o n e o f

the compan y who happened to be seated Opposite
,
to me were fixed upon mi n e w ith a cur ious ln

,
“
t e n t n e ss.He was a fore i gne r as it was ,
!
customary among the townspeople to term an y

o n e not bo rn in the nei g hbourhood He said o f .
himself that until three years previousl y he had

, ,
alway s lived abroad now here now there fro m

, , ,
pure love o f adventure He was in fact familiar

.
, ,
wi th several languages and accordin g to the ,
docto r was the most intelligent and well i n formed

,
-
person in the place He was i n possession o f a

.
moderate income upon which he li ved with his

,
wife and their o n e child a b o y o f precisel y the

,
same age as min e and very handsome

, .
The relations between our two famil i es date d

o nl y fro ma few weeks back ; the wi fe str u ck me as

be ing a somewhat equ ivocal per son weari ng a ,
settled sarcastic expression o n h e r pale con ,
sum p ve face
t i A s for the man h e was thirt y
.
,
years ol d Of medium height but at hl etic build

, ,
fair w i th a curiousl y modulated metallic voi ce

, , ,
very co rre c t manners an d an impe n etrable ex

,
press i o n He had aro use d no espe c i al interest

.
in m e an d I had not forme d an y d efin ite opinion

,
about h i m o n e way o r the other nor indeed had , , ,
an y o f h is acquaintances as the y had onl y come ,
to t h e n eighbourhood quite latel y attracted b y ,
the air which it was hoped might benefit his wife

, .
B eneath that fixe d regard I trembled What .
was it that this man wante d ? His smile seeme d

to m e ambiguous though perhaps it w as merel y
,
self sat i sfactio n at having forced m

-
e t o notice h i s
stare ; and that silent i nw ard mirth a ffected me

,
like a blow o n the face A sort o f h ypnotism .
constrained me to seek h i s e yes again ; no longer

smi l ing the y were d eep i mpell in g ard ent
, , , .
That n ight I went t o be d with a heav y feel in g o f

forebo d in g we i ghin g me d own It was as th o ugh .
an en emy ha d declared w ar upon me a war o f ,
who se c ause I knew no more than of what the

1 34 A Wo m
an at B ay
figure passing Slowl y gave no greet in g o nly a ,
stea d y look An instan t an d then I would turn

.
,
away an d begi n to play w i th the b o y In the .
even ing before go in g out I would fin d myself ,
lin ge ring before the m

,
irro r a th in g I ha d n e v e r
,
d o n e before in all my l i fe .
A t o ur reun ions t h e sch ool maste r s thr e e

,
-
’
d aught e r s woul d somet i m es begin talking t o o n e

an oth e r in an un de rto n e as the y watch e d my
S ister in law listen in g delightedl y to what the

- -
doctor was sayi ng M y brother happen ing once

.
,
to observ e her in this attitude said to me in a ,
“
laugh ing whisper : Your sister in law s se cr et is - -
’
gett in g to be somethin g like Punch in ello s ! H o w ’
proud the doctor must b e o f hi s con quest I .
wante d to ask him t o expla in what he me ant but ,
had n o t the courage Wh at was he h int in g at ?

.
Wh at po ssible c onn e cti o n coul d there b e betw een

my k in d fri end and that creatur e ? I was per
p le x e d a nd the
, n a s ud de n ch ill se n se Of di sc o m
fo rt swe pt o ve r m e ; I felt m yself more al o n e th a n
ever uncar e d fo r unn o t ice d by a n y save th at o n e

, , ,
onl y .
B y th i s time I c o ul d n o l o n g e r i gn or e t h e man s
’
p urp o se ; h e a dm ire d me and he wish e d me to

An I n t r ude r 1 35
kn ow i t And afterwards ? Wh at did he expect ?

.
What did he i magin e ? N o w and again at night , ,
after o n e o f our r eunions he and h is wife wou ld

,
accompan y us a part o f the way along the street ;

he woul d d irect h is penetrating gaze ful l at me
acro ss the latte r s shoul der the frail little woman
’
.
Fo r a moment I woul d not a ve rt m

,
y o wn tu rnin g ,
i t then upon those other t wo figu r es wal king all

, , ,
un conscious besi d e me
, I woul d say to myself :
. .
Where are yo u go in g ? Is it yo u— yon who ar e ,
pe r mi tting all this ? And a s in gle vigor ous effo rt

would have been sufficient : Y e s .
The thought o f thi s man now entere d into eve ry

occupat i on of the day push ing all else into the
,
background Even m
.
y child no longer had
power to rel i eve me o f the obsess i on Yet there .
,
was n o pass i on in the feeling hardl y could it b e

,
termed l ik ing My heart did not coul d not beat

.
, ,
an y faste r fo r o n e whom I barel y kn ew o n e who ,
could ce rtainl y have seen nothing more in me than

the attract io n o f a flower which might be wo rth
snat chi ng from i ts ind i fferent owner ; and h e must
have told hi m self too that the game could not
, ,
poss i bl y be kept up for long .
T h e fir st o f the y ear came and we n t ; o n e day ,

d u ring husband s temporary absence from

my ’
t o wn I got a letter
, I was implore d to grant a.
s ingl e word wh i ch mi ght confirm hop es sp run g

up in a heart d istracted at once by love an d de
spa ir I smiled The phrases were n o t v ery
. .
co n vin cin g and I recognised the prelude to the

,
co nve n ti o n al d énouement Wh y did I take an y .
n o t ice o f i t ?
I did send a reply couched in I d on t reme mber
,
’
just what te rms but to the e ffect that the heart

,
would have man full y to recover its calm fleeing

, , ,
th i s S hadow o f a dream and forgi v ing he r who ,
might o ut o f pure reprehensible weakn ess have

, , ,
pe rmi tted va in hop e s to arise I wrote sincerel y .
but with a touch of iron y which did not however , , ,
exclude a ce r ta in pit y fo r the barrenn ess o f both

o ur l i ves There must have entered into this
.
expre ssed resignation to fate a tone of weariness ,
o f b i tterness Read ing the lette r over before i t

.
went I seeme d to have w ri tten i t for my self alone

, ,
to have summed up therein the hist o ry o f m y o wn

soul I coul d feel m
.
y life c rumbl ing i nto ruins
about me Never before had I wholly tasted
.
the horror o f m y loneliness the i c y chill of m y ,
twe n ty loveless y ears and I wept long and ,

come that passi on could not be di ssi mulate d

, .
He had nothing to forgi ve me but eve ry thing ,
to ask though i t was for me— fo r m y right

to happ in ess fa r more than fo r hi m
,
— self al l ,
u nwo rthy
Was this cle vernes s o n his part o r was i t merel y
chance ? Was he a shre wd reader o f the huma n
hea rt a calculator ? O r was i t that I was passing
, ,
through a cri s i s in whi ch an y voice no matter ,
whose call in g to me would sound i rres i st i ble ?

, ,
I ha ve n o re collect i on Of what I sai d i n reply ,
but I kn ow that I let my self go that I b i tterly be ,
moaned m y fate that I y i elded to the temptat i on

,
o f i mag inin g that I had foun d some o n e who

un derstood me a si ster soul h i dden beneath that
,
-
,
i mpass i ve exte ri or ! I tol d h i m that the mo rrow

wo ul d be the fou rth ann iversary o f m y wedd in g
day that m
, y l i fe was fin i shed that fo r m y ch ild ,
alone coul d I ever bea r to smil e aga in .
An d I avo id e d n ow all a n aly s i s Of m

, , y growing
feeling awa i t ing t h e out c ome o f e vents without
being able i n the paraly sis o f m
, y mind to form ,
an y picture o f what thi s might be .
I kn ew that his wi fe d oomed moreo v er to a n

, , ,
earl y death had a peculiar d i sposit i on : cold r e

, ,
An I n tr ude r 1 39
served and incapable alike o f acceptin g o r be

,
stowing affection I did not hold that this was a

.
su ffi c i ent excuse for betray ing her nor did I

y o wn pa rt that m
,
fancy fo r m
, y husband s con
,
’
duct had given me the ri ght to retaliate in k ind ;

o n the contra ry I found my self re g ardin g both
,
Of them with feel ings Of deep and sincere pity I t .
was the thought o f m y b o y that reall y distressed

me most ; y e t e ven this in fluence seemed to be
growi ng weaker More and more did e very
.
thing gr ow dark about me Had I arrived at .
the sophism common to e very woman who t ries

to reconcil e her love for her children with b e
t r ay al Of her husband ? Was m y mind pi c t ur
ing a future o f i gnoble happiness t o be divided
between mate rn al joy s and the embraces o f a
lover ?
I do n ot thi nk so I tried to persuade my self
.
that at last life was o ffe ri n g me lo ve real love

, , , ,
an d that I ou ght to accept it to g ive the man who

,
had won me all o f m y true self as well as that

other half o f me — my child
— simpl y loy all y O, .
to love ! to love T O g ive my self voluntaril y to

.
,
feel my self reall y a part o f another to live to , ,
be born again .
Ho w many day s di d t h confli ct e nd u re ? I n o

e
longe r remembe r ; but not for man y .
Whe n I saw h i m again i t was at o n e o fa se ries o f

dan ces organi se d by some y oun g men o f o ur ac
quaintance He put hi s a rm ar o und m
.
y wa i st
and swept m e in to a whi rlin g maze o f mot i o n ,
mu rmu rin g again st m y n e ck sw i ft words o f l o v e

o f lo v e ! I n the enti re r oom wi th i ts absurd deco
,
ratio n s I saw not o n e b e in g who had reached t h e

,
heights Of the dream I was weavi ng ; I felt y ou n g

rich blood coursing tumul tuousl y thr ough m
,
y
v eins ; I realised in a flash from the look in a
hun dred i n di ffe re nt e y es a look that confirm
,
, ed
hi s arde n t word s that I was a b eaut i ful woman
, ,
t h e onl y o n e th e re wh o was beaut i ful b e aut i ful , ,
beautiful I told my self that o n e man h ad felt

.
within hi mthe powe r to light this flame that swept

t h r ough me ; I told my self that I loved I believed ,
that m y fat e was se al e d an d I tast e d the first the

, ,
sole in toxi cation o fm y life

My husband found that h e m
.
,
ust sudd en ly go
away for a few days ; when I heard it I tre mbled .
It was a grey i cy win ter afternoon ; he was sitt in g

,
in front o f the fire I drew near and lean e d again st

,
hi s kn ee as I had been used to do in those long

,
t he p re c ed ing day s I don t know wh y i t was

.
’
but he seemed to me almost ungainl y as he sat

Op pos i te t o m e w i th the ro un d table b e twe e n us
carefully choos in g t h e word s o f hi s p re am

,
ble h i s ,
ey es lack in g the ir wo n te d fir e ; wh il e I co ul d n o t
but feel my se lf t o be any thi n g but an e ngagin g
Obje c t as I sat the re st i ff an d s il e n t o n e ear ,
bent anx i ousl y o n t h e adjo i n i ng room where the

b o y lay asleep a nd m y b ro w w rin kled w i th
e mbarrass m
,
ent .
I can onl y re call a fe w d isjo in te d se n te n ce s o f

“
what h e said : Ce rtainl y we had d ut ie s both o f ,
us double duties
,
. B ut on e s fe e l in gs c ould
’
n o t lie . Th e he art had i ts re q u ire m e n ts .
Wi thout i gn o rin g the se d uties wi th o ut causing

,
un nece ssa ry suffe ri ng .
What els e was the re ? He was n o t natu rally

eloquent and I gave himn o help .
“
Wi thout making an y o n e su ffe r t h e vo ice ,
we n t o n o n e m i gh t re conc il e
, the re were
d ut ie s He gr e w invol ve d t h e n o n a su d
, ,
de n a d opt in g a fre sh re solut i o n h e c ut sho rt h i s

, ,
spe e ch took m y hand in h i s a light gleamed in

,
his e y es and h e said that h e l o ve d m

,
e that I t o o ,
l oved h i m that before ve ry l ong we would bo th

,
A n I n t r ude r 1 43
be happ y He called me by the familiar thou

.
,
got up drew me to him and suddenl y kissed me

on the lips ; then pushed me from himwith a quick
, ,
movement declaring again that he wished noth

in g from me but what I was di spos e d to g ive hi m
,
spontaneousl y that he w as satisfie d merel y to

,
know that m y heart belonged to h i m to hea r ,
from m y lips now and a g ain as well as from m y ,
pen the in to xi catin g words o f pass i on He drew

me to hi monce more and press e d me close to
, .
his heart hi s ch e ck aga inst min e ; I had the im

.
pression for an instant that I was bein g swept

under drown ed by o n e who was drownin g
, ,
himself
All at o n ce m y two hands push e d hi m
.
violently
from m e He was claspin g m
. e caressing me , .
A memo ry fl ashed across m y min d He too !

And wh ile the naus e a rose in m
.
, y thr o at I bu rst ,
in to a convul sive laugh .
He drew back speechl ess wi th asto n ishment, .
I tore o p en the doo r an d rushe d in to the othe r

room .
A l ittl e later I he ard t h e fro n t d oor be in g

cautiousl y closed O n ce more I was alone in the
.
house alone with m

, y bo y Th e bab y was breath .
A Wo man at B ay
i n g l i ghtly an d re gul arly ; I did n o t lo o k at hi mo r

touch him O h m
.
, y o nl y m
, y o n e pu re lo ve I
,
dragge d m y c lothes o ff fe v e ri shl y an d n ot unt il I

,
foun d my self under t h e covers did I stret ch o ut

my arms to him gn awing at t h e she ets pray
, ,
i ng fo r d eath .
1 46 A Wo m
an at B ay
I could lo ve Then when I agr ee d to uni te m

.
, y
self to o n e who had misused me wh o ha d c rushed ,
—
me little youn g defe nceless un d e r his heel -
, , ,
i t was because I believed myself to be obeying

nature to be fulfilling the woman s destin y which
,
’
requ i res that sh e shall admit her i nab ility to walk

alone : ye t even here I tried to feel that F ate was
not reall y stronger tha n I that my human side ,
was controll ing t h e situat io n

An d now ha d I p e rm
.
, i tte d t h e iro nic al i nter

ve n t i o n in m
, y forlo rn existence of an extraneous , ,
un kn own force ? Was I to consider myself its

playth in g ? A vacillatin g unce rta in being a , ,
creature o f circumstance a n e asy p re y t o the vile

,
d esires that en c ompasse d m e ?
That i nvo cat i o n t o de ath in t h e ni gh t h ad been

t h e fir st i nst in ct ive cry o f t h e cr eatur e
, The n .
sleep ha d come and then— awaken i ng— the n e ce s

,
si t y fo r takin g up the ch il d for prepa ring breakfast

, ,
for atte nd ing to all th e mult i tudin ous d omest ic

deta ils so that the house m
, ight go o n as usual ,
with its r esistless re volut i o n o f l ife — t h e house , ,
where books a nd paper s tol d o f c on fli c ts e vo lu ,
t i on s ; up o n whose walls were stamp e d memori es

o f th o se few b ri ef glowi n g i n sta n t s o f bou n dl ess
, ,
F l igh t 1 47
h Ope which had characterise d m y dreams Of

womanh ood and motherhood .
My twent y years rose up in rebellion Wh y

co ul d I not have been happ y for o n e m
.
oment ?
Wh y could I not have encountered love a love ,
that should have overpowered every sense o f

d uty every other desire ? My entire being had
,
cried al oud for it This man had dominate d me

.
‘
for weeks had been able completel y to fill m

, y
mind Wh y ? B ecause I was alone loveless
.
, ,
thir st y pantin g
, .
And he ? Was that contemptible creature who

had appeared before me o n the previous evening ,
utterl y despoil e d o f all poetry o r il lusion at once

,
brutal and ridic ulous reall y that man I was

,
?
seized b y a mad anger a gainst myself which ,
prese ntl y gave place to a sense o f utter humi lia

tio n I had surrendered m
.
y o wn self the small
,
thin g that I had become a creature humble

,
enough ye t resplendent in its pure motherhood

, ,
I had flun g it at the feet of a vulgarian a stupid ,
e gotist whose first thought had been to tread me

,
underfoot like a weed on the roadside Had .
I reall y fallen so low ? My frantic desire to live

h ad bli n d e d me ; a nd the life which I sought was
e rr or abasement I compared m yself wi th m

, .
y
husban d ; we were o n the same level onl y ,
o f the t wo ,I was t h e more debased beca use I

kn ew .
A few d a y s later I had been with the b o y t o my

father s garden ; we had just got back an armful
’
,
of flowers lay o n the table M y mind was blindl y .
in ter rogating the i mmed i ate future without getting

an y r esponse when I saw the doctor enter with
, ,
a strange look o n his face It was the hour at .
which he usuall y returne d from making h i s pro

fe ssi o n al roun ds .
It was onl y necessary to say a few word s It .
seemed that he had just come from the man s ’
house ; his wi fe had discovered o n e o f m y letters

i n her husband s pocket that mornin g She had
’
.
been suspicious for some time and the discovery

had i n no wise prostrated her She knew sh e .
must Sho rtl y die and moreover this was not the
, , ,
first t i me that her husband had dece i ved her n o r ,
y e t the first oc c asion o n which she had been con
scious of hating him B efore she died sh e wante d

.
to ha ve her reven ge so sh e had sent for the doctor

, ,
knowing him to be a friend of mine .
He brought me the letter which he had induced ,

confess about m y abort i ve attempt to l ive so that ,
he mi ght put me o ut o f his house as a woman who

no lon ger belonged to h i m who coul d belong to
,
others which perhaps i n d eed some d ay might

, , , ,
come to pass In t h e c on flict o f ideas wh i ch

.
ra ged w i thin me I felt the shipwr eck o f my will

, ,
o fm y personal i t y Of al l that I had believed m y sel f

,
to be and which I now mi serabl y r enounced

, , , .
Meanwh ile the other woman was either not

willing or not abl e to keep qui et She had c o n .
fide d t h e stor y to a friend and the news all the

, ,
more relishe d for being so incred i ble was passed ,
from mouth to mouth until at l ast it reached the

, ,
ears of a chief o fthe cle rical fact i on n ickn ame d the

“
l i ttle ad vocate .
A t t h e very first wh i sper the do c tor came to me

a gai n He sai d I must d en y d en y N O o n e
.
, .
could b ri n g forward an y proofs ; the whole matter

must be treated as pure malic i ous i nventi on
I not i ce d that h e was becomi n g more an d m
, .
o re
agitated H e was e videntl y watching o ve r me

. .
Wh at was his re a so n ? I c o ul d n ot wo ul d not ,
probe i nto i t in that dark hour but I was unable to

,
stifle the memory Of the susp i c i on that had flash ed

across me with re gard to his relations wi th m y
F l igh t 1 5 1
sister in law H e t o o stood entirel y alone amid

- -
.
, ,
these host ile surro un din g s he t o o perhaps had , , , ,
given up ha d let himself sin k in hi s o wn estima

,
tion Now he thought he saw another victim in

.
me ; and I felt his spi r it drawing near to mine as ,
no other had e ver done before : tender melanchol y , .
He came back again the same evenin g and asked

to speak with m y husband alone I was putting .
the bab y to bed and I listened like o n e in a dream

to the murmur Of their voices in the ne xt room .
Presentl y I was c alled in The doctor had come .
“
to say that for several days past the little advo
cate had been amusing h i mself by rep e at i n g ill
!
natured gossi p about the reun ions at o ur relative s ’
house as well as about the re c ent danci n g part y I .
and another lad y of the company were the esp e cial

targets for hi s scandalous talk To her he cre di ted .
several lovers at once to m e a sin gle o n e

, very ,
discreet and as ye t platon ic sin ce there was no

, , ,
whi sper o f anyt hin g be yon d glances from the

wi ndow and an in terchan ge o f letters .
The doctor spoke very calml y goo d natur edl y ,

-
,
anxi ous as always to reassure me ; he had ad

, ,
vi sed the other lad y s husband and now mi ne

’
, ,
together to call the Slanderer to accoun t The .

1 52 A VVO m an at B ay
onl y way he said to sil ence a r uffian like that was

, ,
to show h i m once an d for all that yo u were n o t

, ,
afraid o f him .
M y husband very pale manage d to hol d him

, ,
self in check When we were left alone he con

.
tented himself at first wi th upbrai din g me fo r m y

light behavi our for this entirel y new craze that
,
had possessed me of late for seein g people and for

trying to make m yself appear elegant and bril
liant The onl y way to ha ve peace in that place
.
was to sta y in one s shell ’

.
B ut I could se e the doubt beginning to work in

his mi nd ; his tone presentl y grew more ac rid and
domineering ; he w as o n e o f those people whose
excitement increases at the sound Of their o wn
voic e until the y work themselves up into a pas
sion B efore long I kn ew that nothing ever
.
again was going to divert him from the path o f the

inquis i tor I coul d feel the suspic i ons spring
.
up fasten themselves in h is brain A t last unable

, .
,
an y longer to co n trol h i mself he demande d that ,
I Shoul d den y what he was insulting me b y al leging

and at the same time that I shoul d declare that
, ,
I love d no o n e but h i m The aspect o f his face .

,
vi olent conto rte d with starting e ye s was ab so

, , ,
I have a confused me m ory o f the wil d fury that

seize d me when after an indescribable ni ght in
, ,
the course o f which m y face w a s alternatel y kissed
an d spat upon while m , y bod y became noth ing

more than a poor i nan i mate wr apping I heard a
, ,
p ropo s al made to m e that I sho ul d feign suicide :
I ha ve got to k ill yo u but I d on t want to go to

,
’
t h e galle ys I t must appear as tho ugh yo u ha d

.
d o n e i t yourself ! !
S ile n t ine ffectual fur y ; peri o d s Of utte r d espai r ;

,
t h e sha d ow of madn ess Days week s o f i t all

.
, ,
e n velope d in a gr e y mi st I can n o l onge r dis.
i
t in gu sh the succession of m i s e ri es — del iriums ;
n o r t h e i nterval s Of lethar gy My fath e r o n .
,
he arin g o f t h e trouble suc cee de d wi th t h e do c

, ,
tor s help i n p e rsuad ing the madman bad q uite

’
,
— fi
as mu c h as he was ma d
— to forgive m e to b e lieve ,
that i t all amoun te d to n oth ing at all un less per , ,
haps a momentary aber ration o f the mind M y

, .
s i ster mlaw and he r mother touched ve ry lightl y

- -
upon the scandal ; anythin g r ather than that such

a d i sgr ace shoul d become known ! An d all these
people together presse d about me like the spectres
in some ho rrible n i ghtmare All Of them bel i e ved .
me to be a low creature an d all of them Shiel ded

F l ig h t 1 55
me from unwo rth y motives Each ni ght I was .
put to the torture each day there were renewed

,
scenes o f repentan ce pro m ises o f self control as

,
-
,
surances that all was to be forgotten Did I .
sometimes fri ghten him ?

All thi s time life must outwardl y go o n just the
same I had to appear at m
.
y husband s side in ’
publi c ; somet i mes we woul d ha ve the b o y be

tween us a sweet flower smiling up betwee n two
,
creatures who hated o n e another .
M y reputation had alr ead y become so much a

matter o f public propert y that the two factions
foun d themselves obliged to take S ides the o n e ,
condemn ing the other defending me My de

, .
fenders however much the y might despise me in

,
secret had publicl y to uphold me wh ile the

, ,
“
pa rt isans o f the little advo c at e and the arch !
p ri est declined to ha ve an yt hing to do with

me assum in g me to be disreputable And what
,
.
,
throughout the whole o f the loathsome business ,
was the attitude o f him who was responsible for it

A
all ? His wife who had grown rapidl y wors e ha d

, ,
been taken awa y by her o wn people b ut i t n o w ,
appeared that sh e had not been the onl y o n e to

notice those frequent promenades be n eath m y w in
dow Was he t h e kin d of man who enj o ys posing

.
as one who has every cause ch i valrousl y to defend , ,
a woman ? The do ctor le d me t o fear that he was .
One I went with my si sters to visit m

day y
mother Nearl y four years had elapsed S ince her
.
removal to that drear y place She no longer knew
m
.
us ; her memory indeed was completel y gone and

, ,
h e r e yes had lost ever y glea of intelligence A .
childish movement o f the hands as she touched ,
our clothing ribbons ornaments ; and shrill

, , ,
bab yish prattle in words Of o n e syll able were all ,
that distinguished her actions from those o f a n

infant o f a year Old She had grown even stouter
.
than o n o ur last visit and her fine delicate features

, , ,
well nigh hidden b y the drooping cheeks and chin

-
,
had a heart breaking individualit y ; it seemed as

-
thou gh the y stil l lived remembered had a separate

, ,
existenc e o f their o wn an d were demanding some

,
account o f that sen sitive refined being Of whom ,
the y once were a part .
I kissed the gre y te mples and even as I d i d so an ,
inward voice seemed to whisper to me warnin gl y :

“
Never again will your lips be pressed to this
forehead .
the y kn ow ? Wh y in Hea ve n s name did I n ot

,
’
speak say something ?

-
I rema i ned in an attitud e o f utte r p ro str at i on ,
un able to st ir a limb I n t ruth I hardl y heard

.
what i t was he was sa yin g It seeme d to me as .
though m y whole life e xemplifie d in a few epi ,
so de s were d e fil i n g before me
, an d that I st o o d ,
watch i ng i t wi th new e yes from an Opposi te shore .
It was b ri ef and it was n o t beaut if ul What .
accoun t wo uld I b e able to give o f i t some day

when m y so n shoul d ha v e learned the fac ts ? If ,
this ve ry n ight he were able to understand and

,
speak surel y he woul d ask me to take him i n m

, y
arms and h e ar him far awa y into the n ight to ,
face wa n t hun ger d eath

, , .
“
You d o n t speak yo u d on t say a word ! What
’
,
’
ar e yo u conc e aling from me ? What are yo u plan

n ing n ow t o drag m ,e i n the mud ? An swer me ,
answer ! !
The n aga in I fo und myself th ro wn t o the

, ,
gr o und ; aga in I felt mys elf being k i cke d two , ,
th re e t i mes ; again heard Obscene insults heape d

upon me followe d b y fresh threats
,
.
While I still lay there prone upon the floor , ,
fin ding it a sort of relief to re main quite st ill w ith

1 59
stari ng e yes like a person in a lethargy I heard

, ,
him g o o ut slamming the door behind him with a

,
fin al curse Had he awakened the child ?

.
No ; when I was able t o mo ve I dr agged myself

in the dark to the bab y s b eds ide M y so n m
’
.
y ,
so n, y our mother will never se e yo u again It .
has to be ; sh e cannot go o n li ving she is tired and

,
She does n o t want to make yo u su ffe r too Y o u .
have her blood in your veins but yo u will be

stronger yo u will come Off vi ctori ous Perhaps
, .
o n e day some o n e will tell yo u that y our mother
loved yo u that yo u were the onl y bein g o n earth

,
whom sh e e ver d id lo ve that she was not bad

, ,
that she ha d dreams o f you gr own bi g and hand

some .
I returne d t o t h e dining room I n the cab i net

-
.
there was a phial o f laudanum n earl y full I , .
gulpe d down t wo th irds o f it all I could before

, ,
the bitte r taste p r e vente d me from swallowing ;

then I lay d own o n the sofa Almost i mmediatel y
I felt a light d ro wsiness steal over m
.
e a sen se o f
,
repose invad e all my limbs .
When m y husband came back — I d o n t kn ow ’
whethe r a n hour had elapsed o r less— h e thought

at fir st that I was feignin g sleep and again he ,
began to abuse me thou gh not so violentl y as

,
before His voice sounded far away to me He

. .
must su ddenl y ha ve noticed the ph i al which I had

left o n the table He leaned o ver me an d then
.
,
he understood Seizing the bottle with the

.
remnant of the poison i n i t he rushed o ut into the

,
street ; while I thought with satisfaction that it

was too late now for an y help to avail .
Two women now arrive o n the scene ; m y mother

in —law lighting the fir e heating the water and my
, , ,
sister in law entreating conju ring ; then he crying

- -
, ,
at m y feet I saw all this as through a ve il and

.
without an y feeling Of regret ; I almost thought

that I was alread y gone depa rted and that this
, ,
was m y S pirit witnessin g the fi n al throes o f the

cast —Off flesh .
The woman shook me— gave me the water ,
which I wo ul d not swallow She had a Sheet o f .
paper read y at hand : A t least write that yo u did

“
i t yourself so that th i s poor dog may n o t be

,
anno yed !
Who knows whether t h e smile o f c o mp assion
which I felt within m e m ay not have fli ckere d fo r
an instant o n my sti ffenin g lips ?

The pen was held between m y fin g ers but the y ,
A C RI S I S
Y farewell to life ha d been sincere and final ,
albeit pronounced in a moment o f frenz y .
It was more as though I were obe ying a comm and

issued from afar than yieldin g to the compelling
ne c essities of the moment M y former life must
.
have closed then the woman whom I had been

,
must ha v e died on that ni ght There are periods

.
which cannot be brought back which can onl y be ,
sealed behind a sepulchre

How long had the crisis b e en c o m
.
in g o n all ,
u n suspected b y me ?
O n that day when the b rutal act o f a degenerate
had che c ked the bloom o f m y adolescence a pro ,
cess o f d e c ay had se t in D eleterious influences

.
worke d withi n me slowl y pe n etrat i ng m

, y ent i re
being co rruptin g both body and m ind N o t a
, .
‘
hint o f the impending tragedy suggeste d i tself to

me till the actual moment came I knew that I .
was sad wear y anxious — and the n came d efeat

, , ,
1 62
A C r isis 1 63
unexpected but perfectl y lo gical with no tard y ,
re grets to confront it not even surprise A c ycle

,
.
closed then a new order was established

,
.
From another shore just as I had done

at the moment when I hailed death I now Ob ,
served the world and myself with e yes which were

reall y new I had been born a gain First I went
. .
through t h e period of infanc y ; for several weeks I

was like a little youn g thin g— I tasted the j o y
merel y o f bei n g with childish delight smilin g with ,
pleasure at the sun the tree tops which I could see

,
-
,
from m y arm cha i r at the loveliness o f m

-
, y bo y ,
at ever ything that was beautiful resplendent that , ,
bloomed and appealed to the senses all inten t ,
upon the pure busines s o f livin g B ut the mind .
was inert I knew that I had tried to die that

.
,
eve ry thing about me was now di fferent and that ,
I must still go on I saw li ghts and Shadows

.
alternating rapi dl y but I had neither hopes nor

,
fears repul sions nor doubts ; at the most there was

,
a vague confidence a timid almost unconscious

, ,
self abandonment The bitter taste o f the po i

-
.
son still lingered on my lips and m y hea d felt ,
extraordinari l y li ght ; every slightest noise daze d

and confused me At the same time the physical
.
shock was n ot very serious and I had onl y t o stay

,
in bed for a few days N 0 o n e not even m

.
y father
, ,
knew what had occurred O utwardl y life went

.
on in i ts normal round ; I occupied m yself with

the usual household tasks omitted none o f m , y
customary cares for t h e b o y and even g ot so far ,
as sometimes to note i n the mi rror the look o f

renewed health which thin as the y were lent a
, ,
fresh attraction to m y features .
I have no distinct recollection of what passed b e

tween m y husband and m y self at the ver y first .
His heart and conscience must have received a

rude shock when he realised how calml y I had
faced death and it left him humiliated Remorse ?
,
.
Fear ? Mortification ? Jealous y ? Al l these were

confounded in a S ingle all —pervading sense o f m
,
is
e r y real m i ser y largel y p h y sical which swept him
, , ,
back and forth from states Of exaltation to ab ysms

o f despa i r
. Perhaps the doctor had flashed before
him the possi bilit y o f m y becom i n g insane ! He
must ha ve had a vis i on then o f what his home
, ,
would be without me and have recognised the

,
fact that i t was I who hitherto had played

, ,
the most impo rtant part there ; that I had been

t h e soul a nd spi rit of the place and ha d se t m y i n
extent o f what he ha d to su ffe r that h i s mothe r ,
was p i t yin g him for something i n fin i tel y Si mpler ;

that t h e d octor judged him with a tolera n ce
tinged with contempt And every now and then
.
he would break down and declare with sobs that , ,
he was utterl y wretched .
He had never struck me agai n Throwing him .
self o n his knees o n e day he had be gged me to

forgi ve him for n o t having been more generous ,
for havi ng dri ven me to that desperate step .
“
Li v e live fo r o ur son s sake !
, ,
’ !
Such a petition spoken by lips so unused to gr a

,
cion s utteranc e ha d in it a n o t e almost Of deris i on

, ,
ye t I mi ngled m y tears w i th h i s as a ch il d w ill ,
sometimes c r y because it sees some o n e else weep .
In m y c onvalescent emotional state I was d i s

,
posed to treat h i m as an unfortunate compan ion

i n ad vers i ty like myself the plaything and v ict i m
, ,
o f blin d chance I said to myself v aguel y that

.
, ,
we each had need o ft h e other that we must help ,
an d support o n e another— if onl y fo r t h e sake o f

“
the ch il d .
Then a strange thing happene d : o n e morn ing m y

husband be gan a gain to question me about the
affair wh i ch had been the cause o f so much misery
A C r isis 1 67
for us both I patientl y recounted the whole

.
story repeating all the minute detail s which he had

,
alread y heard so often Fo r the first time he .
appeared to listen to me and seemed to reflect sit

, ,
tin g Silent for awhile after each o f m y repl i es At .
last he heaved a great sigh ; a look o f joy and

exul tation flashed in to h i s eyes Apparentl y all .
those exhaustive exami n ations to which I ha d

been subje cte d had counted for absolutel y nothin g .
He had indeed n ever once heard me o ut had

, , ,
never bee n abl e to restrain the outbursts o f h i s

bestial jealousy long enough to comprehend what
i t was I was trying to tell him ! And n o w that
he knew at last wh at had reall y happened the
, , ,
whole affair resolved itself into an in si gnificant ,
negligible incident I coul d se e him men tally

.
holding up h is head again before that other man ,
enjo ying his di sco mfit ur e ; I could se e that he was

grateful to me that at last his faith in me was
, , ,
restored that h e kn ew ce rtain l y that I was really

,
bound to him that I felt myself t o be a p i e ce o f

,
his prope rt y !
Summer reign e d t ri umphant o ve r t h e gol d en

fiel ds The se a must have been o n e gr eat sparkle
.
,
A Wo m an at B ay
a blinding dream o f beaut y for those who saw it ,
but I never did for I never went o ut of doors

,
except o c casionall y in the evening when I would

, ,
walk a l i ttle way along the deserte d railroad

tracks wi th m y husband Notwithstanding all .
that had occurred he was as jealous as eve r

, .
I n the mo rning thanks to the fa c t that the servant

,
was still about I could go abo ut the house though

, ,
I was n o t to enter the rooms o verlooking the street .
A fter luncheon for fear that I mi ght admit some

,
visitor I was locke d i n until h i s re turn at six

,
O clock — I an d the chil d alone i n the warm dim

’
, ,
bedroom whose sole outl ook was the neglected

,
little str ip o fgard en .
The b o y would sleep fo r two o r three hours while

I sat wi th m y embroider y b y the window with the ,
blinds half drawn amusing myself sometimes b y

,
wat ch i ng the pla y o f m y thin hands as the y

slowl y drew the needles ful l o f bri ght coloured silk -
i n an d out i n a r ay o f slan ting light I did n o t .
mi nd the forced seclusion ; I even t o ok a sort Of

voluptu o us pleasure in the total an n ihilation o f
all sense o f rebellion i n m y state o f oriental
,
slavery At bottom th i s l n di ffe r e n ce was ph y

.
,
si c al m
, y forces were onl y n o w slowl y re cove ri n g .
ness a col d mask would settle over m

, y features ,
an d my dry hard e yes woul d fasten themselves

,
upon s o me v ague distant po in t possibl y in the

,
past poss i bl y in the future It was onl y b y an

, .
e ffo rt Of the will that I could drag m yself awa y

from this as ylum—e vanescent hardl y understood ,
even by m yself— in orde r to arouse more cheerful

thoughts in t h e man whom I wo uld surpri se
plunge d fo r his part in re ve ri es which would d raw
a deep furr ow across his bro w ; the puzzled ,
di stresse d look of o n e wh o searches feebl y for

the clue to some phenome n on but onl y succeeds ,
i n un c o ve ri ng h is o wn helpless uncertain t y .
It was t h e bo y who ha d un l ocked o ur hea rts ,
makin g us belie v e in o ur n ewly made prom i ses o f

forbearance An d i t was the se n sat i on o f st ill
.
possess in g h i m o f h a vin g him there— l i ttle

, ,
sm il in g— t h e m e m o ry e v er present
, o f that n o c ,
t ur n al far ewell when I had pictured to m y self
this b e in g o f my flesh an d blood left alone in th e

worl d foreve r ignorant Of h i s mother s secret and
,
’
the thought also e ver presen t o f the passion ate

,
-
,
de v oti on wh ich the n cefor wa rd I would ne ver

, ,
dep rive h i m o f th at c ause d me to yield so readil y

, ,
fro m t h e very fir st to a re n ewal o f exi st e nce I t

,
.
A Cr isis 1 71
was all fo r him for him for him ! L ive so as t o

, , ,
make m y so ul e fful gent so as to be a mother i n the

,
highest se nse Of the word Was i t a d ream ? AS .
I be n t o ver the little bed gazin g at the featur es o f

,
my sleeping child adorable i n thei r puri ty in the

, ,
alread y developed firmness o f their li nes a cal m ,
c onfiden c e wo ul d steal over m y soul I co ul d onl y .
ask his pardon i n sp iri t and I ha d no sense o f

humiliation as I did S O ; was it perhaps because , ,
I knew that m y lo v e had never flagged for a S in gle

instant ; that he had ever been the cr own to all m y
thoughts even i n m
, y mome n ts o f m a d n es s and ,
that I always felt myself wo rthy t o re ce ive his

uncons ci ous be n ediction ? Perhaps i t was onl y
the law Of blood That member whi ch had c ome
.
fo rth from me I thought must inst in cti vel y be

, ,
animate d with m y o w n breath ; the n and alwa y s

must that c reature Of m i n e refle c t m y act i ons in
its life struggle with me to ri se
, .
For t h e fir st time I th o ro ughly apprec i ate d how

beneficial was the influe nce exe rte d b y m y son s
’
presence My l o ve fo r h i m ha d gr own both

.
stron ger an d simpler losi n g all eleme n t o f ch il di sh

,
ness o r morbidness His n ame c onstituted m

.
y
amul et for the prese n t m y s ymbol for the future
, .
Those few short s yllables circumscribed m

, y new
horizon .
Meanwhile the material life o f the household

remained gre y an d jo yless My sisters i gnorant
.
,
o f what had occurred had gone to Turin to spend

,
some weeks with o n e Of o ur aunts wh ile I was ,
kept confined as closel y as e ver o n the pretext

o f spa ring m e from the gaze Of curious e yes
Fortunatel y m
.
y mother in law and her daughter

- -
kept away Someti mes the doctor would drop

.
in for a few moments in the course o f the morning .
He was much less talkative than formerl y and

interested himself almost exclus ivel y in the
question o f m y health ; when I allu d ed with a ,
faint sm ile to the continuation o f my clo i stere d

,
life he wo ul d shak e his hea d wh ile a shadow

, ,
crossed h i s fa c e ; then with an e ffort that did n o t

,
escap e m e, he would treat the matter lightl y ,
ad vising me at an y rate not t o allow m yself to

, ,
be beate n : to i nsist upon some distraction some ,
journe y o r o the r whil e awaiting happier da ys

, .
Then he wo uld begin playing with the child ,
rej oicing in the fact that he was so livel y and vigor

o us in spite o f h i s getting so little fresh air and
exercise A t each visit his manner to me be c ame

.
1 74 A Wo m
an at B ay
woul d not ha ve cut me ve ry d eepl y so well did I ,
know the h ypocris y an d corruption that existe d

all about me had it n o t re vealed a new phase o f
,
my husban d s character I d i scovere d that he

’
.
felt the necessity fo r a duel not to exonerate me

, ,
but h i mself— i t was his o wn self esteem that was -
hurt— and at the same t i me he was afraid !

, ,
The doctor labour e d by eve ry means i n h is

powe r to pat ch up the affair A fter much nego .
“
t i at i o n the little advocate at last placed i n the
!
hands o f c e rtain representat ives Of my h usban d

a pompous word y statement to the e ffect that
,
“
I was most r espectable . M y husban d there
!
u pon d eclare d himself satisfied ; and sat i sfied ,
apparentl y were both o n e S ide and the other afte r

, ,
ha ving treate d m y character as a thing to be

freel y bandie d about among them !
I ha d n o wish t o condone m y o wn pa rt but ,
thencefo rward all sense o f exaltation was stri ppe d

from the sa crifi ce o fm yself ; the comfort of yieldin g
my back to the burden was gone forever gone t h e ,
acquiescen ce o f the dissatisfied conscience .
Every hu m iliation that had been inflicte d up o n

me e very vilenes s that ha d crawle d beside me
, ,
the c omp r omi ses the lies the se n suality t h e

, , ,
A Cri sis 5
vulga ri t y of mind i nc ide n ts that h ad had a grim

,
iro n y and i n cidents that wer e S impl y monstrous ,
now tur ned to gall i n m y torture d memo ry c alling

,
in v ain for peace fo r forgetful n ess I t was the

, .
cr u c ial hou r in that long day o f horror — mi d day

!
sh inin g o v e r the d e v a state d field o f battle All

.
semblance of disgu i se was now torn awa y forever ;
my humiliation coul d no longer have the poor

c o nsolation o f frami ng excuses fo r its author .
Ther e was noth i ng to raise me up condemned to

,
walk fore ver with bowed head And my so n.

,
my so n another victim hedged in between two

, ,
who had been v anquished found guilt y— who

,
would sa v e him carry him far o ff to some remote

,
spot an d show him human virtue ?

T H E B OO K
ITH the close of the odiou s incident my
husband s self control returned and there
’
-
was an end at last to those uneas y excursions

, ,
i nto the past Fo r some time howe ver the same

.
, ,
restrictions were observ e d I still went o ut but

.
rarel y spent my afternoons locked into the house

, ,
found the sheets o f my letter paper all numbered -

,
and was allowe d to see no o n e but relati ve s the ,
doctor and the serv ant Yet with it all a pre

, .
, ,
tence was kept up o f my being free to do whate ver

I pl e ased and these arrangement s were carri e d
,
out with an ingenuousnes s which woul d ha ve

made me laugh ha d not the experiences o f my
nearl y complete d twenty one years effectually-
killed any pre disposition to m irth I took care .
to avoid giving hi man y cause for un easiness but ,
i t was more in order to safeguard m y o wn peace

and the bo y s than from any regard for his feeli n gs
’
.
He ha d become just as obtuse unseein g an d self , ,
1 76
se n te d An a cute fa cul ty Of i n si ght a n d a re al

.
gift for co mp o s i ti o n lent a rar e qual i ty to th i s

book i m , mature though it was perhaps ye t full , ,
o f vig o r o us thoughts an d wi th a v ivid huma n
in te rest wh ich illumin ed every page .
P ossi bly i f in stead Of this v olume there ha d

, ,
fallen i nt o m y han ds at th i s part i c ul a r jun c ture

some ri n ging paga n epi c o r an appe al to m yst i
c i smmy d estiny would ha v e been different
, Or .
,
it may b e that I shoul d ha v e felt no influen c e o f

an y so rt an d wo ul d s i m
, ply ha ve sunk i n t o a
state o f lethargy
The book did n o t m e cry n o r e xc i t e m
.
ake m
-
e,
especially nor make m, e feel as th o ugh a r e vo lu
ti on were takin g pla c e wi thi n me I t was me rely a .
development in substan c e o f i deas wi th wh ich

I had bee n fa m il i ar S ince childho o d B ut pr e .
,
c i se ly b e c aus e i t did n o t Ope n u n s uspe c t e d abyss e s

“
at m y fe e t pre ci sely becaus e with a dire ct n e s s

, ,
an d v igou r wh i ch seemed in st in cti ve i t le d m e ,
back to r egi o ns p o p ul ate d by thoughts that were

alread y latent in m e as though wh i sp e rin g o f
,
treasures t o o lon g n egle c te d was this book a god

,
send to me at that t i me A gro wing fas cin at i o n

.
took poss e ssio n o f me as I sat in the cl o se d ro o m ,

T he Bo o k 1 79
beside the child intent upon his pla y meditatin g ,
upon what I was reading and recallin g half

forgotten discourses heard in ch ildhood ; joining
my o wn reflections an d observations to those o f .
the author and aidin g him in the creat i on o f an

,
ideal world The spell thus cast upon me thrust

.
all those recent appalling phantoms into the back

gr o und re duced them to silence and turned m
, y ,
e n forc e d solitude i n to a blessing since it protected

me from the thousand little irremediable real i t i es ,
o fm y life .
When m y husband s common sense

’
got the bet -
te r o f h is jealousy and he wo ul d occasionall y take

me o ut for a walk I discovere d to m
, y i n d e sc r i b ,
able a nn oyance that I dreade d to meet t h e g aze

,
o f the passer s b y an d worse still the possibilit y

-
, , ,
o f meet i ng fa c e to fac e him wh o I felt still had
power to awaken all the p ri mitive b r utal instincts ,
o f the man at m y side Catchin g a glimpse afar

.
,
off Of the u n wel c o me figur e either alo n e o r with

, ,
a gr o up o f hi s f riends m y husband who was, ,
equall y o n the look o ut woul d suddenl y v eer

-
,
around and turn up some side street and then a ,
sha rp pang o f self contempt would shoot through

-
me Why coul d I n ot regard his existence as

.
something in which I had no concern ? It was

not exactl y hatred that I felt for him althou gh I ,
Shook at the mention o f him as o n e shakes to

hear o f some pestilenc e which has car ried us o r ,
some o n e dear to us to the verge o f the gra ve

, .
Then sometimes when I was with m

, y sisters ,
now in the first bloom of girlho od what a terror ,
stricken feeling wo ul d seize hold o f me ! Ha d

the y ever su specte d ? And suppose even after ,
the lapse o f years t h e slander should some day

,
reach their ears !

Some months befo re a yo ung en gineer from a
,
n ei ghbouring village had fallen in love with the

elder of the two g irls He was very clever and
.
high strung with an uneven temperament and a

-
,
head full o f new i d eas the so rt o f nature that

,
se e ms inevitabl y d oomed for struggle I had .
persuaded m y sister then seventeen years Old

, ,
to examin e very carefull y i nto her o wn feelings

before givin g the y oun g man his answer N OW .
,
after a lon g per iod o f unce rtaint y the chil d had ,
announce d to o ur father that sh e returne d h i s
affection and so so o n as he shoul d find himself in

,
a position to d o so the y hoped to be mar ri ed In

, .
v iew o f the enforce d dela y papa made no dec id ed

sense Of languor which i s sure the r e to cree p in to

the vei n s even of the most d esperate The pres .
ence o f the child made an y systemati c stud y of

the churches and museums out o f the q uesti o n ;
my husband moreover having no i nnate lo ve o f
, ,
such things and be i ng absolutel y ign or an t o f

e veryth i ng t o d o with a rt was hardl y a n insp iri ti n g
,
compan i o n and spoile d e ve n my most spontaneous

sensations for me We left with a feeling almost
.
o f relief but in the Out o f the w ay corner o f the

,
- - -
Tyr ol where we next settled d own the sen se Of ,
melan ch o ly d id n o t lea ve us .
The s ce nery was wo n d e r ful — a narro w v alle y ,
noisy with waterfalls and green wi th p ine s and

fir trees S hut in b y gi gan tic wh i te peaks
-
, My .
chil dho o d m ,y childh o o d wh i ch sprang i nto life

,
at t h e sight o f t h e rugge d coun t ry t h e perfume ,
o f wil d, growi n g th i ngs ; at the sounds o f n ature

all about me ! H o w long had it been l ying buried
deep i n m y memo ry ? O h i f I might l ive alone
,
with m y b o y in the heart o f thes e wo o d s e d u c ate ,
hi mi n the s ch o ol o f nature cont rive so t h at in

,
t h e far o ff future no wa ve o f c h i l di sh m e mo r i es
-
shoul d e ver be as agoni sing to him as were m y

o wn t o me now so that his ent i re l i fe mi ght
,
T he Bo o k 1 83
d e vel o p ha rmoni ousl y ; a noble sojourn e r in n oble

lands !
How happy t h e l i ttl e fell o w was sturd il y ,
planting his small legs o n the gr assy paths hail ,
ing the he rds with the i r tinkl ing bells ! A t the

l i ttle inn where we we re staying h e was the ,
sm ile t h e e xqui sit e bl o ssom o f t h e pl ac e which

, ,
e ve ry o n e want e d t o inh ale with a ki ss ; c omi ng ,
as he d i d fr om a c o rn er of It al y whi ch those
,
fellow c o un t ryme n homes ic k thoughtful a little

-
, , ,
tac i turn ha rd ly kn ew h o w to place o n the

,
map .
My husband n ew t o the moun ta in s was e q ually

, ,
d el ighted ; ful l Of ch ildish enthusiasms and in genu

o us r e m ar ks ; pe r fe c t ly sur e as he alwa ys was of
‘
, ,
h i s o wn Op in i o ns ; ve ry p r o ud o f the fact that he

was spe n d in g hi s mo n e y in so elegant a manner ,
a nd expect in g m e t o b r e ak i nto loud expressions
o f gr atitu d e When he su rpri sed me in a melan

.
ch o ly mood he was as ind i gnant as though I had
p ra ct i sed some d e c eption : what sort o f woman was

I ? N othi n g woul d satisfy me !
Repent an t h e woul d ne xt t r y to get me to
,
interest myself in mak ing plans for o ur return

ho me o r suggest m
, y tak i ng up wri t i ng aga in as a
means o f dist r action Wh y did I not feel m yself

.
inspire d by that magnificent scenery ?

I listen ed weari l y as o n e listens to some pass
e r b y giving us advice about o ur health w i thout in
-
the least knowing what ails us I did n o t know .
m yself what I needed just then I onl y realised .
that m y l o neliness a n d moral i solatio n were

increasing I felt that i t was m
.
y dut y to t r y to
share m y impressions with my husband to t r y to ,
make m y m ind an open book for him y e t I knew

,
.
perfectl y well that the substratum o f m y nature

must alwa ys be hidde n fr om him E ven had I .
desired it it wo uld ha ve be e n i mpossible to get an y

help from outsi d e in the process o f self examina -
tion which was still going o n within me Some .
thing inside o f m e vi brated incessantl y ; how can I
explain pe ri o d s like these ? Sometimes there will

come i n the morning a vi vi d impressio n Of hav
“
, ,
ing passe d the night amid strange phantoms o f ,
havin g li ved fo r certai n b ri ef moments o f semi

,
consciousn ess a wonderf ul life ; but we can neve r

,
succee d i n re c o nstructing the v ision nor in recalling

those night thoughts ; and then we fin d that some
-
,
essentiall y n e w act is curiousl y familiar o ur i nner ,
most co n sciousness had known all about it before !

fix e d go al ye t ill um
, in e d by a n id eal ; H uma ni ty ,
t h e Sla ve o f laws n o d o ubt yet driv e n b y a

, ,
re b e ll i ous will to S purn th e m t o c o n st ru c t a n ew

,
e xi st e nce fo r i tself supe ri or t o laws

,
I had that d ay fini she d re reading t he book

.
wh ich h ad take n such hol d upon me some weeks

before an d wh ich ha d bee n the constant s ilent ,
co mpan i on o f all m y soj ourn in the mou n ta i ns

I fuse d t h e two suc c essi ve e m
.
o tions — that which

t h e re ad i n g o f t h e bo o k ha d awake n ed a n d that
c au se d by t h e specta cle Of N ature aroun d m e ,
wh ich I was about to l e a ve The result was that

.
o c c ult f e rv o ur felt o nly by p r o fou nd th in kers and
gre at l o ve r s those wh o worsh i p Life i mpersonall y

, ,
I wi th all m y m
.
, i se ry di sappeared and the re

, ,
re ma ine d o n ly t h e b eauty o fhuma n energy forc i ng ,
i tse lf up through o ut t h e v ast e xpan se o f the worl d .
A sp e c ta cl e wh ich t h e soul e age rly welcome s a nd

p re se rv es ; n o t t h e Great Re velat i o n i tself but ,
r athe r t h e subte rranean work in g o f the germs

wh i ch feel t h e near b y heat o f the sun an d both
-
lon g fo r a nd d re ad t h e full splen d our Of i ts ri si ng .
On o ur re tur n the do ctor i nforme d me that the

m an s wi fe had die d a nd that he resi gn in g t h e
’
, ,
c are o f h is li ttle so n in t o t h e hand s o fh is pa re n ts

T he Bo o k 1 87
in law had gone Off to A mer ic a like the ad

-
, ,
venturer that he was by natur e wi th n o fixed ,
plans be yon d a firmin tention ne ve r t o return .
It was the l ast I eve r h e ard o f him After the .
d o c tor ha d gone I c ri ed I was free ; here afte r

, .
life woul d b e simpler mor e full of act ivi ty in t h e

,
interests o f m y so n The sense

. o f se c uri ty o n c e
mor e rest or e d to h i m who own e d me I wo ul d b e ,
able t o re assume all m y forme r ri ghts ; fr ee d

fore ver f ro m all spe c tres o f t h e past I wo ul d r e
cover m y ow n se r e n ity gr adually , all my Old c o n
fide n ce in m y o w n powers w o ul d retu rn .
Wh y then th ese t e ar s ? It seemed as th o ugh

, , ,
together with the ul c e r a p i e c e o f heal thy fle sh

,
were being se vere d fro m me It was n ot the n .

, ,
dea d in me the b e li ef in l o ve in t h e p o ssi b ilit y

, ,
o f powe r f ul , ove rmaste rin g l o v e s in ce I wept at

,
saying farewell fo r e ve r t o that ill usi on wh ich fo r ,
a S ingle mome n t h ad d ece ive d me ? H e was tak

,
i ng hi mself 06 h e wi th wh o m I had in t e rchan ge d

pro m
,
i se s o f happ in e ss ; h e was di sappe a rin g in to

the vo rte x f o re ve r D id I feel as th ough t h e
.
memo ry o f hi mco ul d n ever more depart fro m me

becau se hi s rapi d passage had been the sign al for
my tran sfor mation ? N O certainl y n o t ; and sh oul d
,
1 88 A Wo m
an at B ay
my name be uttered i n his presence afte r the laps e
of man y man y years it woul d awake n no feeling

, ,
in him but o n e Of anno yance .
The sense o f bitterness did not retu rn but my ,
Spi ri t resigned itself anew to an invincible melan

c h o ly to a morbid liking— fo r day s an d weeks at
,
a time— for d arkn ess emptiness solitude M y, ,

.
husband more c al mly dete rmi ned than e ver t o

,
have peace was ye t a go o d deal concerned by the

, , ,
obstinate disorde r which kept me bowed to the

earth He wanted me t o de v ote m yself to some
.
stud y to write — ye s — write m

, y reminiscences
, ,
the hi sto ry o f m
!
y error ! O h ye s he was quite , ,
self composed ; he coul d n o t but admire himself ;

-
his own goodness o f heart seemed to him

worth y to be celebrate d in verse O ne day he .
brought me home a huge roll o f whi te pape r ; as

I looked at it I felt the Colo ur mount to m y brow .
To what point was it possible to carry uncons c ious

ness ? A few days later howe ver while the boy , ,
was pa ying a visit to m y sisters I foun d myself ,
hold in g the pe n suspended abo ve the fir st page o f

o n e of the qui res O to tell to tell some o n e o f
.
,
my wretchedness my mise ry ; e ven to tell it all

,
to myself to my self alone expressed in new luci d

, , ,
must so o ft e n have had recourse when her heart ,
was b ur st i ng wi th grief ? I can n ot say I t was .
t h e o nl y t i me i n m y l i fe that I longe d for fa i th in a

di vin e Will that I wai te d for i t s com in g with
,
cl asp e d h and s I n that appeal what woul d I have

.
aske d o f a Go d should H e have appeare d before

.
me ? To sh iel d my chil d from so rr ow to make ,
i t p o ssi ble fo r m e to gua rd h i m al ong illu m in e d

paths . And if I were not liste n ed to c i
th e r ? I f the cha in were to un co il i tself thus
e t e rn all y ?
My husband surp ri se d me st ill o n m y kn ees He

some t i m
.
es came home at unexp e cte d hours o f
t h e d ay in o rd e r to make sure that I was n o t
abusin g such libe rty as I had I got up hastily

.
wi th a se nse Of shame H e saw in i t n othing but

.
an e xh i b i t i o n o f weakn ess a nd la id i t at the d o o r

,
o f my n e rv e s poor inv alid that I st ill was

,
.
He aske d an xi ously what was t h e matter wi th

me I re assure d h imwi th a gesture while the
.
,
te ar s b e gan t o flow cop i ousl y freel y B lesse d

, .
,
bl e sse d te ars At l ast I had re co n quere d myself ;

at last m
.
y sp iri t was re a d y t o accept t h e hea v y

bu rd en o f i s o lation o f struggling o n al o ne Of
, ,
d raggi ng fo rth in to t he light all those force s ,

T h e Bo o k 1 91
that we re d yin g wi th in me Of b eauty stre n gt h

, , ,
p urit y ; at last I coul d blush at my va in r egr ets ,
my long f ru itless sufferin gs my neglect almost

, , ,
hatred of m
, y own soul ; at last I tasted on c e more
the fla vour o f l ife alm ost as I h ad kn own it at
fifteen .
AN I N TER L U D E
L O NG str ange pe ri od followe d d u rin g which
, ,
I l ived fo r nothing but b o oks meditation , ,
and the a ffection o f my child ; e verything else

had become utterly in di fferent to me and all I
was conscious o f was the sense o f profound peace ,
which res ul te d from my monotonous seclude d

life free d n o w fr o mall sha d ow o f subterfuge
,
, , ,
o r f e ar .
Instincti v ely I let se n ti mental problems alon e

and ce as e d t o rea d the roman ces which had so
delighted m e in my gi rlhood The question o f
.
soc i alism o n the o ther hand I felt co ul d do my

, ,
min d no harm I had journeyed through life

.
equ i pped with a n e xtraordinary conglomeratio n

o f humanita ri a n id eas wh i ch I ha d ne v er s o ught ,
e v en to fin d an y justific atio n for From child

, .
hood I ha d che ri she d a se cret leaning towards

the poor an d wretched wh ile all the time I was
,
listening to m y father as he expounded his a ris

1 92
an d on the stre e t arouse d a v ague longing in me

to do something b y way o f c ompensation .
When we left the ci ty and settle d do wn i n a

small provincial place I c ame alm o st e xclusively
,
under t h e i n fluence o f my father a n d soon lost ,
that wi de sense o f brotherh o o d which in the large ,
c entres i s an acti v e i mpelling fo rc e I had

, , .
p ic ture d the world as c o mpose d Of a small gr oup

o f intellects ser v e d by a mass o f hopelessl y i gn o
r ant an d almost as hopelessl y i nse n sible human

, ,
bei ngs ; but this conceptio n was un d ermined ,
fir st of all I think by a little in ci de n t which

, ,
o c curre d whe n I was about fou r teen years Old .
Th e own e r o f the factory a blasé m i llionaire ha d

, ,
been tak in g bre akfast with us o n e d ay an d was

si tt in g tur ni ng o v er the pages of a re vi ew t o whic h
my fath e r subscri bed ; h e admire d i t but thought

“
i t t o o de ar .Th i s i n my e yes gre atly e n
!
, ,
h a n c e d t h e im po rtanc e o f o ur fam il y as con

t r ast e d w i t h th i s r ic h m an wh o poss e ssed two
e q u i page s b ut n o t o n e re vi ew I suppose I ha d
.
b e e n o ve r e n c o ur age d t o chatte r fo r prese n tl y

-
, ,
“
sp e aking o f my o f fic e w ork I referre d to
,
o ur
fa c to r y . Mamma ch ide d me up o n wh ich t h e

,
vi si tor re marke d :
A n I n t e r l ude 1 95
Le t her alone ; S he s like m y coachman ; h e

’
alwa ys speaks o f m y
‘
The anger which blazed up i n me shook at t h e ,
same time m y c o n c ept i on o f the f r amewo r k

,
o f s o ciet y !
Later on my m a rri age had gi ve n a check t o t h e

de velopme n t Of m y mind but here at last the, , ,
sense o f a wi d er l i fe had penetrate d m y being .
My own person al problem gr ew less Obscure as

the light r eflect e d from other v aster problems , ,
fell upon i t and a n echo broke upo n m

, y ear o f
the longings an d palpitations of othe rs Tha nks .
to books I was no longe r alo n e : I was listening ,
and agreeing and toil in g in conjunction with a

,
gr eat collecti v e forc e I realise d that human it y

.
was suf fe rin g lar gel y by r e ason o f i ts o wn i g

m oranc e i ts o wn un rest an d that t h e el ec t we re
, ,
c alle d up o n to suffer mo re tha n the o thers so

th at the y mi gh t push fo rward the c on qu est .
Once whe n I was a ch ild my father had spoken

, ,
to m e ab o ut Chri st He told me that he had

.
been better than any other man the chief ex ,
ponent o f l o ve an d sincerit y a mart yr to his o wn ,
conscience I had shut this name in to m

.
y hea rt ,
making i t the o c cult symbol o f per fection though ,

without wo r sh i pping i t ; happ y s i mply in t h e

kn owle d ge that a so m mo had on c e exi sted that
t h e hu m
,
an c reatu r e coul d i f i t would ri s e un t i l

, ,
i t shoul d r each the id e al o f di vi n i ty t h e d esire ,
o f t h e e t e rnal ! H o w pue rile d id the Ch ri st i an

my thology app e ar to me ! I f Chri st were Go d h e
was n othin g ; but if he w ere m
, an the n at onc e ,
h e b e cam e the flower o f Humani ty n o t a shr un ke n

God he a d but m an at hi s utte rmost de v elop m
,
, ent .
And J e sus alway s that Jesus o f Gennesaret sm il

, ,
in g upon the littl e chil dren Jesus kind t o pen i , ,
tents i n capabl e o f i ll will seren e in a d moni t io n as

,
-
,
well as in prophecy had shon e before m

, y soul an ,
id eal c oun tenance wh i ch ha d s eeme d to clou d

o v er w i th a veil o f sadn ess whenever I stray e d
aw ay from goo dn e ss and t ruth
A fte r m o nths y e ars perhaps aga in t h e sm

.
i le
o f Ch ri st ill u m in e d m
, ,
y path again I tu rn e d to
h i mas t o a foun t o f i nsp ir ati o n Fo r a t i m
,
e I
woo e d a d octrin e in whi ch I co m

.
b in e d t h e ge n tle
pre cepts o f t h e Gal i l ean—o ffsp rin g o f t h e wo mb
o f n at ur w — with t h e st e rn e r modern d oct rin es ,
the pro ducts o f sc i en ce and experi enc e l i b e rty ,
an d wi ll lov e and j ust ic e It was l i ke o ri e n tat i on ,
li ke t h e affirm at i o n o f a h arm
.
,
o ny .
to cast m y ey es upon the pag e s o f t h e bo o k

o f human l i fe .
An d n o w ? It was no lon ger in m y power to

m ingle with people nor could I e v er r esume the
,
posi ti on whose o ppo rtun i t i es had pro ved so fatal

fo r m e My seclusion thr ough force o f hab i t
.
, ,
ha d n o w be com e so natural that t o attempt to

break through i t w oul d only ha v e caused a fre sh
uphea val i n t h e li f e o f t h ehouse I must ther e .
,
fore confin e my self to gathering up the echo es

whi ch ros e to m
,
y small roo m from the street
Mean wh i l e m y si st er s lo v er had du ring t h e

’
,
preceding win ter in itiate d a st ruggle w hi ch

was certa in pe rm anently to estrange him fro m
,
my father He had organ ised the workmen at

.
the facto ry an d had forme d a d efensi v e uni on .
Th anks t o hi m so ciali sm m ad e its first app e ar
anc e in t h e neighbourhoo d My father prom

,
. ptly
forbad e t h e gi rls to receiv e hi m ; t h e li ttle fian cée
was c rushe d ; whereupon i n spite o f m y husb and s
’
obj e cti o ns I at on c e in vi t e d the y o un g m

,
, an t o
com e t o o ur house Ho w the chil d s e y es shon e

.
?
’
the fir st tim e sh e fo un d her lover un e xp e ct e dly

'
, ,
awa i ting her there ! Fo r h er fo r t h e oth e r gir l

, ,
A n I n t e r l ude 1 99
fo r my b r ther now sixteen y ears o ld I coul d do

o , ,
nothing more than o ffer them that refu g e hardly , ,
inde e d that The stru ggle I was making to r e

.
cover m
,
y o wn poise was so great that it seemed

to leave me no stren gt h to accomplish an y thi ng
effective for those poor aban done d cre atures o f
,
my o wn flesh an d blood .
From the y oun g man I go t exact information

o f the world wide movement to raise the working
-
class e s an d to place them menacing formidable

, , ,
in opposi tion to the class to which I belonge d .
He ha d stu di ed in German y ; then afte r travel ,
l ing for a time he had come home t o di rect the

,
lay in g o ut of a li ne o f new railr oad an d had felt ,
an overmaste ring desire to t r y to do somethi ng

fo r the m i serable pop ul ation from w hi ch he ha d
hi mself sp rung .
My sister accepted ever y thi n g a pr i o r i ; i deas

li ved palpitated in this y outh and sh e coul d
, ,
n o t separate them from him B ut I argu e d with

.
him becoming more and more excite d I was

,
.
slow o f speech owin g to m, y love o f sincerity an d

exactitude and in expert in dialect i cs A fter he
,
.
had gone I wo uld sea t my self at m y writin g table

-
and turning to the self same roll o f paper to

,
-
zo o A Wo m an at B ay
which I had confided m y m i se ry I would t r y to ,
recover m y liberty o f spir i t I enj oy ed y i elding .
to thi s impulse but afterward s I would some

, ,
times fin d my self blushing at t h e thought that I

might perhaps be nurs ing an incip i ent sill y
, , ,
ambitio n to play a par t in the same way that as , ,
a child I had stood befo re the mi rror and pre

,
tended that I was a seductiv e lad y B ut I kept .
on , all the same with enthus i asm

, .
T o th in k to use my mi nd ! H ow had I been

,
abl e to go o n for so lon g w i thout th ink in g ? P er

so n s th i ngs books scenery everyth in g n o w
, , , ,
furnished subje c ts for endl ess spec ul ation Some .
o fm y thoughts amazed me others made m e sm i le

,
b y reas on o f their ingenuousness wh ile others , ,
a g ai n seeme d to possess such intrinsic beauty

,
that I was fil le d with admi ration as at something ,
I had rea d expressed in glowing language and

, ,
d estine d to mov e vast multitudes Their v ari et y .
was in fin i te ; such ri chness to exi st i n me ! I

tol d myself however that there could be nothin g
, ,
unusual in this that every human being probabl y

,
had just such a store concealed i n the hidden

recesses o f his mi nd and that it was nothing ,
but the accident of circumstan c e that preve n ted

29 2 A Wo m
an at B ay
therefrom some bitter refle c tions Here for .

,
example was thi s y oun g man prof e ssing such

, ,
re spect fo r me recognis ing the hi gher truths

, ,
an d lead ing an exemplary life according to the

conventions o f soc i et y yet all the time per
, , ,
haps followin g another s ec ret unackn o wle d ge d

, , ,
exi stence !
Who h ad the courage to adm i t a t r uth a n d then
to conform his life t o it ? This poor mean o b , ,
sc ure life to the con ser vation o f wh i ch e v e ry

,
o n e clun g so tenac iousl y every o n e paid in his

,
share— m y husband the doctor papa soci al is t s

, , ,
as well as p ri e sts the pure as well as the depraved ;

,
every one wea ring hi s falsehood resignedl y The .
revolt o f the indi vidual was either fut ile o r dis

astrous ; that o f numbers banded together too ,
weak as ye t to amoun t to an yth in g ridiculous

, , ,
almost i n contrast to the appall ing strength o f

,
the monster they sought to ove rthrow .
Then I began to wonder if some share and n ot ,
a light share either o f the e v ils o f soc i ety were

, ,
not to be lai d at the door o f the women How .
c ould a man who had had a good mother be c ruel

to the weak di slo yal to the woman he loved
, ,
t yrannical to h is ch ildr en ? B ut the g o o d moth e r

An I n t e r l ude 203
must n ot like m , y o wn be simpl y an example

,
of self sacri fice : sh e must be a wo m

-
an a human ,
being .
An d h o w i s sh e to become a woman if her

parents deli ver her ignorant weak incomplete
, , , ,
into the hands o f a man who does not regard

her as an equal treats her as he woul d a piece o f
,
prope rt y belonging solel y to himself gives her ,
children and then leaves her alone with them ,
f ul fillin g his o wn social duties and letting her c o n

t i n ue to amuse herself in much the same way
as when she was a child ?

Ever sin ce r e adin g a st udy of the femi nist move
ment in England and Scandinavia these reflections
had bee n revolving persistentl y i nm y brain I had .
instantl y felt an instinctive s ympathy for those

incense d fellow creatures who were utte ri ng the i r
-
protests in the name o f the un iversal di gnity of the

race going so far e ven as to sacrifice thei r most
, , ,
sacre d privileges love maternit y sympath y

, , , .
Almost without m y knowi n g it m y m i nd had

dwelt day after day o n that word emancipa
tion which I remembered to hav e heard uttered
,
seriousl y once or twice b y m y father when I was

,
a chil d and since then alway s in derision b y

,
2 04
'
A Wo m
an at B ay
ever y class o f men and women : A fte rw ards ,
compari ng those rebels wi th the great mul ti tud e

of the ignorant the i ner t the res i gn e d— types o f
, ,
women fashione d b y c e nturi es o f subjecti o n o f ,
whom I my s i sters my mothe r e v ery fem al e

, , ,
of m y acquaintance wer e examples

,
— I had been
seize d b y a specie s o f mysti c e x al tat i on I felt .
as though I were stand in g o n the thr e sh old o f m y

t ruth as though I were ab o ut to ha v e re ve al e d
,
to me the s e cret o f my long tragic and fruitless , ,
anguish .
‘
Solemn h o urs o f m y life whos e m e m o ry I c an

n e v er recall quit e distinctly an d yet whi ch li v e
,
ine ffaceabl y in my spi rit H o urs whi ch p o i n te d

.
to a higher h uman desti n y far away i n poin t o f

,
time to b e rea che d through the e fforts o f pun y

, ,
human creatures i n c omplet e in themsel ves ye t

noble i n pro po rt i o n as the y m
, ,
aste re d human
destin y .
con v in cing me that I coul d ye t li v e i n tensely ,
usefull y Li v e ! Thenceforward I wanted to ;

.
no longer solel y o n m y son s ac c o un t but for

’
m yself fo r e v e ry o n e
, .
I deemed m y solitu de a ble ss in g The b i tter .
Calvary was in dee d e ver before my e yes ; I

, ,
would stan d regard ing i t tr ansfix ed by the thought

,
o f the inn umerable human be ings c l i mb in g othe r
s im ilar ones without fin d ing at the su mm

,
i t so
much as a cro ss upo n which to awai t a posthum o us
just ice Women and men a n aggl o meration
.
, ,
ye t each ind i vi d uall y cut o fi fro m all suc co ur !

r
, ,
That humanit y ? An d who wo ul d d ar e to d efe nd

i t in a formula ? I n re alit y wo man a sl a v e up t o ,
the pre se nt t im e was c omplete ly i gn or e d a n d all

, ,
t h e pre sumptu o u s psychology o f t h e n o v el i sts
an d t h e mo r al i sts did but bet r ay t h e inc o ns i st e nci es
in t h e eleme n ts o ut o f wh ich they h ad bu il t the ir

arbitrary the o ries ! An d ma n man did n o t e v e n
,
kn ow h i mself ; wi thout h is compleme n t alone ,
in the world to e v ol ve to enj o y to struggle ;

, , ,
m
stupi dl y cutting h i mself o ff from that spontaneous
c o pr ehe n d ing smile which might hav e opene d
h i s mi nd to the entire b e auty o f the uni v erse he
,
rem a in e d ei the r weak o r sav age ete rn all y in ,

R e n aissan c e 29 7
complete B oth the o n e and the other were t o

.
be pitied though in a di fferent measure

,
.
N o n e o f the books I read were able to over

throw these recent convicti o ns o f mine and none ,
of th e m mad e a very deep impression upon me .
I realise d that m y cri tical facult y afte r i t s long

,
paral ysis had apparentl y widened an d intensified

, .
A t the same time there awakened within me a

bitter sense o f longing for all that had ir r e m e
di ably been ne glected in the s ystem o f m y edu

cation ; poetry music artistic expression both i n
, ,
colour and fo rm remained almost un known to me

, ,
wh ile m y entire being reached o ut fo r the jo ys

which such things brin g There were times when
.
the thoughts I li ve d b y might almost have taken

fli ght have merge d themselves with light and
,
soun d ; and m y powe rlessness to portray l yri cally

the d im i nteri or world of m
, y mind sometimes
cause d me a ctual su ffering Everyth i ng which
.
I faile d to express fell back fore ve r i nto the un

kn own ab yss out o f wh ich it ha d i ssue d fo r a
single in stan t .
I n the quiet house a n o ld woman regularly ,
emplo ye d in o ur serv ice now performed the

,
v a rious do mest ic dut ies which had formerly

been al most solel y m y care She was tall an d

.
bent with extraordi n aril y ugly and exp ress iv e

,
features A t first I ha d taken a stron g d isl i ke

.
to her but sh e quickl y won my regard b y h er

,
i ntellige nc e an d tact Her h isto ry d id n o t di ffer

.
gr eatl y from that o f man y an other woman o f

t h e people — fir st broke n down with c h il d b e arin g -
,
then dese rte d b y the husban d who emigr at e s the n , ,
despo iled o f he r ch ildren Sh e t o ld me h e r sto ry

.
di ffide n t ly e xh i b i ting a sto ic al attitu d e t o ward s

,
life My in terest please d her F r om t h e o utset

. .
my ch ildish aspec t an d the long hair and r osy

,
cheeks so exa ctly t h e c oun te rpart o f my b o y s ’
ha d cause d her gr eat su rp ri se ; the n t h e so l i tary

life I le d an d the subj e c ts about wh ich I co n
,
v erse d wi th my husban d at table when he hap ,
pe n e d t o b e in a moo d t o li ste n t o me fill e d h e r ,
with m
!
in gle d r espe c t pri d e and devot i o n ; t o

, ,
gether wi th o dd ye arnin gs for herself and fo r h e r

ch ild re n
I got to re gard h e r in t h e l i ght o f a h um
.
ble an d
t rustwo rthy c o mpan i on I h ad no o the r ! Wh at
.
pathe tic attempts she would make t o u nd e rstand

me when I o ccasionally tried t o e xplain so me
q uest i o n to her ! And whe n at last sh e h ad t o
, , ,
acceptable ? Did I not even fin d a species o f

sec urit y i n the thought that l o v e coul d n e ve r
again molest me ?
I did not ye t apprehe nd all t h e d eep d efic ienci e s
in m y life Had I done so all my n ai ve e n t h usi
.
asm s would q u ic kl y ha v e di sappear e d Wo e to

.
me had I attempted to analyse my d a il y life at

that time ! A s i t was I so far exceede d what
sho ul d hav e been m y c i rcle and had so strongl y
, , ,
the feel in g o f possess ing excepti o nal powers that ,
the contrast between that which I dreamed o f an d

that which I ha d d i d not cause me a n y d i stress
be yond a v ague sensation o f ph ysi c al di sc o mfort .
Towards the m i d dl e o f the summer a piece

o f work which I had bee n turnin g o v er i n m y
min d for some time gr ew insi stent and I com ,
ple t e d it in a few day s . I t was a sho rt mo n ogr aph

upon the soci al co n d i t i ons o f the regi o n in wh i ch
I l i ve d the pro d u c t o f personal obse rv at i ons an d
,
inte n se emot i ons I hande d i t to the d o c tor

.
,
and when he brought i t back t o me I c o ul d se e

that he re al i se d n ew p o te n t i al i tie s in me ; a n d ,
more o ve r I felt in st i nct ivel y without paus i ng

, ,
to ask myself whether i t gav e me pleas ure o r pain ,
that in th i s n ew re s o ur ce wh ich so abso r be d me

, ,
R e n aissan ce 2 1 1
he perceive d still another obstacle to the feelin g

which he m ay have been cherishin g fo r me in
secret As I rose then I was to be more alone

.
, ,
than ever .
What di fference d id it make ? My detachment

from the world was now sincere ; with m y gifts
o f youth and beaut y I coul d ye t than ks to the
, ,
c rises through which I had passed believe myself ,
exempt fore ver from all the snares o f the senses .
M y relations with my husband to which I r e ,
signed myself with melanchol y d o cilit y in no ,
wise d i sturbe d the workin gs of m y conscience .
Whe n i n the course o f m

, y readi n g o r my i mag
i n in gs I wo ul d stand face to face with some
,
of the great figures o f asceticism in the ancient

o r the modern world splendid in their snowy
,
white n ess I coul d n o t help feeling fo r a moment

,
that I was the i r sister .
I reme mber well the mo rn ing when I got the

re vi ew in wh ich amo n g the lead ing a rticles
, ,
app eare d the stu d y which the d octor had so

pat i entl y helpe d me to c o rrect My bo y taki n g
.
,
the magaz in e o ut o f my hand d i sc overed my ,
—
s i gnature h e coul d not read but he recogn ise d
,
the appe arance of m y three names ; he smile d

21 2 A Wo m
an at B ay
at m e w i th the lumi nous wise l i ttl e sm

, il e he
always wore when he was turn i ng o v er in his
small brain the myste ry o f p ri nted words That .
sm i le o f h i s was the p ri ze the dail y stamp o f

,
appro v al se t upon my labours It was as though .
“
he wer e sayin g : I un derstand that yo u are work
ing fo r me too mamma I kn ow that yo u are
, , .
flowering expanding l i ving and that in this way

, , ,
y o u will g r ow good and strong and make life

,
good an d strong for me .
That mo rn ing I answere d my son s s m il e with ’
an other e q uall y wise an d lumi n ous It was as .
though I found myself standin g o n some hei ght ,
holding the child b y the han d an d gazing across ,
some b o undl ess marvellous coun try before gird

, ,
i ng myself to traverse i t sure o f m

, y own forces .
B ehin d about me— nothing In the dim yet

, .
insistent premonition o f the future— an absolute

peace a restful oblivion
, .
A few we eks aft e r th i s my husband came home

one day apparently mu ch preo c cup i ed I ha d .
rece ive d t h e same morning a letter from a famous

wo man wri ter in vi ting me t o c ollaborate in a
p e ri o dic al fo r wome n wh i ch was about to be
to hear echoes o f m y o wn id eas in other a rt i cles

and i n letters A n Italian professor who ha d
.
,
latel y taken up his abo d e in Switzerland bega n ,
a l i vel y co rr espondence with me an d a youn g ,
Venetian a woman do ctor having wri tte n to me

, ,
at his suggestion a warm ep i stolary fri endship

,
soon sprang up between us two ardent spi rits .
My mind was fil led with scattered images strange ,
ph ysiogn omi es in vague indeterminate sur

, ,
ro undings Some o f m
.
y correspondents I did
not e ven t r y to form a picture o f in m y mi n d : a
Genoise scientist for example who ha d d e voted
, ,
himself entirel y to the work o f ra i s ing the stand

,
ard of morals among the sailors actu al l y became ,
very dear to me an object o f re verent de v otion

, ,
without my kn owin g his age o r an yth i ng about

his pri v ate l i fe I n the case o f others vari ous
.
,
y oung me n who published a r t i cles and v erses in

the same magaz ines that I worked for I c ould ,
see thei r fac e s at once some sh y some fatuous

, , .
It was the women whom I felt the gr eatest curi

o si t y about I wan ted them all to be beautiful
. .
Some o f them sent photogr aphs o f th e mselves

which were i n d ee d charm
,
ing , .
Sisters ?
R e n aissan ce 2 1 5
Wh o kn ows A few rapi d disillusionments had

.
put me on m y guard I w as be ginn ing graduall y

.
to un derstand the position o f intellectual women

in Ital y and the degree o f impo rtance attached
,
by them to the femi nist movement ; with utter

amazement I foun d this to be almost insignificant .
True the example was se t them b y those higher

,
up ; b y the two o r three woman writers o f the

fir st rank all o f them ope nl y hostile— o h the i ron y
, ,
of the co n tradi c tion — to t h e mo vement to ele

v at e women I n ideals o f an y kind moreo ver the
.
, ,
ent ir e female literature o f the co un try seemed

to m e to b e enti rel y d e fic i e n t — great sound in g , ,
e mpt y phr ases wi thout either connection o r con
vi ct i o n .An d when it c ame to tak in g an y ac

t io n how few women co ul d be depended upon
,
— most o f these being indeed foreigners
The v er y young ones the bearers o f acade m

, , .
, ic
titles had almost a contempt for the conquest
,
o f thei r so c ial ri ghts A mong these was numbered

my n ew Venetian fri end who had a remarkable
.
cri tical mind Many o f the older ones gave me

.
to understan d that the y had been tormented ,
worn o ut b y life ; and the y frankly i mplored me

,
n ot t o throw myself i n to the fray to temper m ,y

21 6 A Wo m
an at B ay
enthus i asms and devote myself to the c ul t iv a

,
t i on o f some dream o f Art alone i f indeed I , , ,
c o ul d n o t re st satisfie d wi th the love o f m y ch il d

—my n e st Sin c ere ce rtainly Their letters left
.
, .
me pe rplexe d .
My so n unconsc i ous l i ttle ps ychologi st th at

,
he was alwa ys detecte d the signs either o f tro uble

,
o r sat i sfac tion o n m y face keeping quiet when h e

,
saw me absorbed and kn itt ing his brows when

,
ever there was a disagre ement betwe en his father

an d myself I repre sented i ndeed all the b e st
.
, ,
s id e o f mankin d as he kn ew i t : I was the wisest ,
the b est o f human beings : even m y rare fits o f

anger for whi ch I always repro ached my se lf
,
and whic h were a re sul t o f a chronic ph ysical

derangement never aroused the smal l e st m
, ani
fe st at i o n o f rancour i n that l i ttle sp i ri t : he alway s
said to hi mself that mamma was r i ght ; an d
usually he would as k m y pardon not out o f fear ,
o f pu ni shmen t but b e cause he hated to se e me

,
u n happ y Poor little b o y poor adorable little

.
,
child ! For two whole years his was an ab so

lut ely rad ia n t ch ildh ood ; and he was able to
ac quir e a stor e o f vigorous health such as it falls
to the lot o f few children to possess Was i t .

h armo n y which moved or excite d me wh ich g ave ,
me a feel ing o f restful ness o r o f stren gth which

, ,
ident ified itself with me I simpl y all owed m

.
y
self to be steeped in the simple yet myste ri ous
charmo f i t all and my heart was fil led with a
,
passi o n at e sense o f gr atitu d e A t last I had .
awakened to the profoun d ma n ifestations of life

i n n atur e I saw them whole disti nct capable
.
, ,
o f s i gn if yi ng tears and laughter love death , , .
The revelation ha d n o t come too late .
I t now seeme d to me as though my p ast h ad

bee n ord ain ed by s o me p i t ilessl y wise power .
Ha d n o t e veryt h in g i n fact apparentl y b ee n

, ,
o r d ere d as a p r eparation fo r t h e futur e ?
A t the same time I c oul d n o t se e this futur e

v ery cl earl y And for want o f some distinct
.
,
ai m m y expe riments were futile

, What did .
I want to be ? Not a j ourn al ist I had be gun .
to re al ise t h e almost utter uselessness o f that

s c atte rin g ab r oad o f undi ge sted i deas An a rtist ? .
I di d n o t dare so much as to thi nk o f it e x ag ,
gerat in g m y l ac k o f culture an d i mag in at i on my ,
failure to compre hend beauty .
A book the bo o k Ah I di d not d e s ire t o wri te

, .
,
it n o ! B ut sometimes m
, y spi ri t would swoon
R e n aissan ce 2 1
9
away at t he vision o f that bo o k whi ch I felt

ou ght to be written a book o f l o v e and so r
,
row bu rn ing ye t fr uitful i nexo rable and p i t i ful

, , ,
which fo r the first time shoul d hold up before

, ,
the whole world the modern heart o f a woman ,
and for the fir st time make the soul o f man o f

, ,
-
her sad fellow— p al pitate with longin g and r e

morse A book which should transmi t all the
.
ideas sur ging chaoticall y in me for the past two

ye ars and which sho ul d bear the i mprint of
,
passion Woul d no one e ver write it ? Was

.
there not a woman in the whole world wh o had

su ffered as I h ad suffered who had re c e iv ed
,
from all things animate and inanimate the

, ,
warnings that I had received and who should ,
be able to extract therefrom the pure essence ,
the maste rp i ece which woul d be equiv al en t to a

,
life ?
A TUR N I N T H E R O AD
NE aftern oon I saw m y husband un e x
pe c t e dl y enter the hou se h i s face weari n g ,
the u gl y expression he al ways had when hi s

primal passions broke loose He had q uarrelle d .
with m y father and had left the o ffi c e de clarin g

that he woul d never return .
i The memor y o f somethi n g I had seen in the

lon g di stant p ast rose up in m y m i n d : it was t h e
picture o f my father o n the d ay when he had
thrown up hi s position at Milan H ow cal m .
he had been almost gay at fin di ng hi mself

, ,
confronted b y a future un known but free !

,
I felt the same c al m the same li ght hea rte d

,
-
ness ste al o ver me now while m , y hus b and co ul d

n ot hi de hi s m o r t i fic at i o n not at ha vin g dis
,
pl e ased hi s wife s father the man to whom h e

’
,
—
owed e ve ryt hi n g but at hav in g sp o ile d his
,
o wn prospects !
The thing was i rr eparable My father cer .

,
220
2 22 A Wo m
an at B ay
plants N o w he would screw up hi s e yes wi th

.
their keen metallic gleams an d look at me as

much as to ask if I did not think after all that ,
there was so mething supe rior in him to e very

thing else I had met with ; an d an agon i sing
sense o f uneasi n ess an i n de fin able dread would
,
seize hol d upon me What a m yste ri ous in

.
,
sc rutable warn i n g was the life o f that man !

When m y husban d foun d that he was n ot
recalle d eithe r immediately after his resign atio n
o r later o n a wav e o f despair swept o ver him
, .
E v idently h e had n ev er c ontemplate d such a

possibility .
Ha d I c o me t o a tu rn i n the road ?
The q uest i o n o f suppo rt did not tro uble me .
I had bee n a cc ust o me d from chil dhoo d t o bel ieve

that an y o n e who will ca n al wa ys m ak e a l ivin g
a nd that n o wo rk is de r ogat o ry B ut t h e i dea

.
o f lea vi n g t h e n e i ghbourh o o d was very sl o w t o
pene trate my husban d s mi nd He ha d n o d i

’
.
plomas h ardl y an y mo ne y and was no l o nge r

, ,
y o u n g ; i n sp i te o f t h e hi gh estimat i o n in
wh ich h e ha d always h eld h i mse lf h e was
fri ght e ne d
And all t h e t i me I felt that m
.
y e manci pat i o n
A T ur n in t he R o ad 2 23
from those surroundin g s was n ow i ne vitable .
There wo ul d be an end at last to m y forced

, ,
acquiesc ence in the grinding down of the work -
men practised b y m y father and justified by m y

husband for which I h ad long reproached myself
, .
Now i t seemed to me I would reco ver m

, , y self
respect breathe more freel y especiall y as r e
, ,
garded m y so n Far away ! Then he woul d

.
forget this plac e which had been so di sastrous

for his mother where the effect o f her teachi n g
,
was constantl y being neutralised by the force

o f bad examples .
I allowed m y feeling o f exultation to appear

o n e day in conversation with m y friend t h e ,
doctor He looked at me fo r a moment and sai d

nothing an d his s ilence sent a twin ge o f c o m
.
pun ction through m y heart .
He seeme d tired and nerv ous There ha d .
been an outbreak o f ty phoid fever in t h e n eigh

b o ur h o o d an d his back had gr own a little be n t
,
as he we n t about from o n e wretched cottage to

another from morning to night That v o i c e
, .
,
wi th i ts chron i c note of sadness must ha ve c arri e d ,
hope to man y a poor sick c reature ; must have

,
mitigate d the te rr ors o f the d ying and of othe rs

who fe are d that they might di e He seldom .
c ame to se e me now .
For some weeks longer we cont in ue d in a state

o f uncertaint y To my husband the i dea o f
.
,
seekin g employment in some city seemed h u

miliat in g There was still the allowan c e m
. ade
me b y my father but m y accoun tant s work

,
’
,
pai d b y the m o nth ha d c eased at the t i me m

, y
husband left the factory How thencefo rward .
, ,
coul d I best empl o y m y e n ergi es to ad d t o the

famil y income ?
One morning I yi el ded to a sudden impulse .
M y boy had brought me the ma il and sel e ctin g , ,
a certain p ackage had handed it to me first

, ,
with the air o f a little man well in fo rme d as t o

my preferenc es .
It was in f ac t a M ilanese re vi e w wh ich

, , .
I espec i all y liked The e di tor a n o ld fighter

.
,
i n the cause of libe rt y had ge n erousl y ,
“
launched more than o n e youthful genius
!
,
an d every now and the n he w o uld a ffe c tion

atel y urge me to t urn m y attention t o some
th ing less ephemeral than t h e sh o rt arti cles
which howe v er he was always will in g t o
, ,
publish .
226 A Wo m
an at B ay
because all unintell i gent as she still i s sh e d oes n o t

,
ru n after them and ad m

,
i re them as she used t o

do O thers imagi ne that the y know all about
.
woman from having had much expe ri e n c e and

made man y v ictims .
“
These last have ne ver take n the tro ubl e re ally
to kn ow eve n a single o n e : what the y do kn o w i s
how to enslave their senses h o w to extrac t fro m
,
them the utmost gr at i ficati o n fo r themsel ves

n othing more .
“
A s a fact wom an is a thing that exists only
i n t h e male imagi nation : there are wo m en and ,
that is all there is about it .

!
The a rti cle was unsign ed but there c o uld be

,
n o doubt that i t was from the pe n o f t h e emi ne n t
n o v elist herself wh o although she had not yet

, ,
create d an y reall y i n d iv i du al t yp e o f woman ,
possesse d t h e ab il i ty wi thout d oubt to repro duc e

, ,
some of the v a ri ous w o me n who to day are b e ,

-
,
gi nnin g t o stand out from am o ng t h e ge n eral

mass I n con clusi on sh e sai d : We d o n o t pro m
.
“
i se
much more than what you have always had ; do
n o t exp e c t t o o much of us You will n ot fin d t h e
.
woman s ideal complete in every deta il in this

’
magaz in e an y more than yo u will find i t in life

,
.
A T ur n i n t h e R o ad 227
We o nl y hope to help to draw it forth from the

nebul a of U topia and to plac e it before the worl d
,
of to -
day .
An d very little o f this i deal was in truth to be , ,
foun d in the columns o f the review There was .
an article o n a rt the profile o f an ac tress taken

, ,
i n a number o f poses po rtraits o f duchesses in ,
low cut gown s commen ts o n c urrent e vents

-
, ,
not i ces of chari t y e n te rta in ments a c on t ri but i on

-
,
on h ygie n e a nd so fo rth An art i cle with a

, .
foreign hea din g conta in e d the o nly di sc u ssi o n o f

,
femi nism in the entire magazine .
I told my husband o f the o ffer without be

tr ayi n g an y enthusi asm He looked carefull y over .
the numbers which ha d bee n sent and then r e ,
mained long in d o ubt It was not so much t h e .
character of the magazine that he feared that ,
appeare d to b e mil d enough ; but he thought we

might c oun t fo r too little am i d such sti rri n g
surr oundings : t h e c ircumstan ce that I could do
my work at home— re m ain i solated see med how , ,
ever t o we igh with him The decision ha d to b e

, .
mad e at once B ut what was he to d o with

.
himself at Rome ? Then he hit upon an idea

whi ch seemed to promi se a solut i on G o ing to a .
number o f the neighbouri ng propri etors h e ,
sugges t e d that he should open an agenc y at Ro me

for the sale o f their pro ducts both there an d
abroad Man y o f them agre e d ; onl y a small
.
amount o f capital was nee de d a few thousan d ,
francs to begi n with and these 1 1 1 5 mothe r tear

,
full y promised to ad van c e .
The very day before the q uestion was decide d ,
the doctor took to his bed We knew that he had

.
’
been te rri bly o verw orked and supposed i t was

merely a temp o rary bre akdown wh ich m i ght ,
even be benefici al i n the e n d and so n o o n e felt

, ,
especiall y a n xious though I gr eatly regr ette d

,
be ing d e p ri ved o f h i s adv i ce at so impo rtant a

c r1 5 1 s i n my affai rs ; and I thought how with the ,
except i on o f m y t wo sisters he was the onl y

,
person I woul d feel an y regr et at leaving behind

shoul d we de c ide to go .
O ne week lat e r he was d e a d .
Typhus meningitis had de v elope d su d de n a nd

-
,
v iolent and had easil y o verpowere d t h e man

,
who co n stitutionall y del icate had i t appeared

, , , ,
b ee n b roodin g for some t i me up o n death Wi th in .
twen t y four ho urs after he was take n h e bec ame

-
d e li ri o us an d h i s b o d y was thus left for t h e fe w

,
230 A Wo m
an at B ay
Whe n the pr i est came to admini st e r extreme
u nc t i on the d eath r attle had alread y begu n I .
wan t e d t o b e p resent o ut o f respe c t fo r the

d yin g m an but I c hange d my m
, ind aft e r a few
min utes My whole b e in g reb elled again st th at
.
se n seless ri te w hich the al read y depart e d

, ,
sp iri t ha d dis o wne d in l i fe I withdre w t o .
t h e adjoining room wh e re my husban d t h e doc ,
t o rs a nd a few fri e nd s were assemble d The

, .
lo w v oi c es o f t h e wome n coming to us i n a,
subdue d chorus as the y ac c ompanied t h e

,
priest s m o noton e s e e me d to me like a lib e rty

’
,
they were tak in g I begge d my husba n d t o

.
take m e home away fro m the plac e wh e re so

, ,
far as I was c o nce rne d n o th in g o f my f ri e nd

,
n o w re m ain ed .
A t d awn they came to tell us that h e was de ad .
M y husban d got up imm e d iatel y an d we n t o ut I

wanted to cr y but I c ould not Th e m
.
yster y .
,
that te rri ble augu st myst e ry o f the e nd o ve r

powere d m
, , ,
e .I t was n o t for an hour l o n ge r ,
perhaps that I was abl e t o c o nq u e r t h e h umble d

The n c a m
,
feel i ng i t ga ve m e .e t h e th o ught o f
the lo ss I had sustai ned and self pity a n d t h e -
real i s at i o n that I woul d ne ve r aga in he ar th at

A T ur n i n t h e R o ad 23 1
firm an d gentle voice overcame me an d I bro ke

, ,
into forlorn weeping .
A mi d m tears I thought how throughout

—
y o f ,
the entire peri od o m

f y marri age s i x y ears — h e
had ever been at m y sid e B oth o f us so di

. f
f erent
from o ur surroundings so alone ! For o n e mo,
men t his sp iri t had come ve ry close to m ine I .
had felt it Might I hav e loved h i m ? How

.
was i t that n othi n g ha d thrown u s i nto o n e

an other s arms noth in g had un i ted o ur two
’
,
n atures i n reality perhaps never far apart

, , , .
Was i t merel y a word an i mpul s e that was ,
wan ting ?
Fate ! He ha d d epart ed fanc ying possibl y , ,
that he carried his secret with him I was left .

,
more alone than ever and bound— wh i ther ? ,
B y what lofty i deal safe guar d e d from hate an d -
— from love ?
I don t remembe r much about o ur last d ays in
’
the plac e I c a nn ot recall even a sin gle par

.
t icular .
I c an se e my b o y bursting in to tears when I

told him to say good bye to the room in whi ch h e
-
was born alread y bare and dismantled I have

, .
,
t o o an i mpressio n o f the lump that ro se in my

,
2
o wn thro at when o n go ing to m, y parents house ’
to say farewell and t o t r y t o extract some ex

,
p ression o f kin dness from m y father he afte r , ,
a few c u rt words broke suddenly o ff wi th a

,
m
shrug of h is should ers I se e as through a
ist another poignant s c e n e m
,
.
y s i ster i n law
hurl i ng invecti ves at my sta rtled sisters who
,
,
- -
had come t o m y house o n the last day to

b id me go od bye ; and m
-
y m o ther in law c r ying

- -
c o n tinuously
A last v isit to my mo th e r a final atte mpt to ,
awaken some memory o f t h e past the to rture ,
o f looking i n to those e y es devo id o f all exp r essio n ,
o f hear i ng aga i n that harsh l i ttle laugh .
Th e se a the country s id e the high roa d s all

,
-
,
-
,
wore in th o se clos ing days of September a sub

, ,
d ue d air o f we ari ness a look that best expressed

,
the ir spiri t A ft e r ele ven years from the time

.
,
when I ha d beheld them fir st I was leavi ng them , ,
turning my face to t h e u n known Eleven tragic .
y ears i n t h e c ourse o f which my spirit ha d been

fash i oned i n tears t e ars of rebellion tears o f
, ,
submission ye s and tear s o f gratitud e t o o

, , ,
gr atitu d e to the i nv in cible myster y Now I was .

AV E ROM A !
HE clou d s were swe eping acr oss a glo ri ous

sky e v er sh i ft ing c onti nu o us floatin g i n
-
, ,
sunli ght Fo un ta in s and s quares ston e h o use s

.
,
a nd c upolas t h e ri v er gro ves o f p in e tree s o ut

, ,
-
li n e d aga in st t h e h o rizo n d e se rt st retche s o f t h e

,
campagn a and t h e di stan t mo un ta ins all see me d

,
t o b e foll o win g in the slow wake o f the clou d s ,
all l ik e th e m to be suffuse d in that marv ellous

, ,
l i ght ; all l ik e th e m t o b e flui d and ete rnal

, , .
I t o o h ad tra ve lle d in the slow process i on

, ,
be n eath that sky wh ich I was now gaz in g at an d , ,
i n th at jou rn ey o f my youth I had felt m , y so ul

d ilate at t h e sight o f t h e in fin ite blue Was I not .
just t h e same st ill ? Was n o t y o uth beg innin g

n ow ? Ro me gives he rself t o e ve ry s o ul who
longs for h e r w i th his whol e h e a rt an d sh e bestows,
just as mu ch as i s h o nestly and fe rv entl y de

man ded o f h er Perhaps t h e day was n o t far
.
distan t whe n I wo ul d be abl e to c o mpr ehe nd

234
Ave Ro ma! 23 5
the unique city in a sin gle look to feel i t i n t h e ,
beating o f m y o wn hea rt Me anwh ile what .
transpo rt what bliss to be able to sit wi th my

, ,
boy an d watc h those long flamin g sunsets from ,
the te rr ace o f o ur lodgi ngs with the river and ,
Monte Mari o ly ing before us ; after the long hours

spent in the silen c e o f m y lofty little stu d y !
It seems i mpossible to desc ri be those earl y
months of m y life at Rome ; just as I co u l d n o t
describe m y c hildhoo d All the rapid success i o n

.
o f impressions the pul sing life constantl y st i m

, u
lated from without the glow o f imagination the

, ,
echoes o f new sounds— I cannot re vi v e an y o f i t .
C i t y of exal tation cit y o f peace !

,
Le aving the beauties and wonders o f t h e sa cred

sites to be v isited gr aduall y I eage rl y expl o red ,
the modern q uarters i nhaling onc e more th at

,
breath o f e n ergy o f human ac ti vit y wh i ch had

, ,
so i mpresse d m y ch i l dh o o d B ut e v e ry now .
and again repentant I wo uld fin d myself tak i ng

, ,
refuge from t h e d in an d c onfusio n o f the fe v e ri sh ,
modern life wi th some pa in ted repre se ntat i on o f

the silence and d reams o f a far go ne t i me wh ich -
n ever existed perhaps save i n lege nd

, ,
There were other suggesti o n s t o o cl o s e r at , ,

2
36 A Wo m
an at B ay
hand more familiar to m

, y imagi nation ; and
n o w a n d then came a sw i ft impression o f the
presence o f gr eat m i nd s n o t ye t ext i nct n ot yet

, ,
far distant from the worl d upon which they h ad

se t so strong a stamp I f I happened to be alo n e
.
o r had o nl y the b o y with me and no outs i de

,
i nfluences came to d i stur b me the strength o f m

, y
e m o tions would somet i mes cause a so b to ri se -
in m y throat The. future faded awa y in the d i s
tance the present became even more di ffic ul t

,
to un derstand ; and m y o w n small personalit y ,
with the little c h ild at m y side almost d ri fted ,
o ut o f the ke n o f m y c onsciousness Then .

,
presentl y I began to hear the re verberat i on o f

,
yet another message which t h e c it y had fo r me .
Ar ound those nuclei o f stone representing splen

,
did memo ri es o r the mediocre prese n t I knew

, ,
that there were girdl es of miser y agglomeratio n s ,
o f beings whose existence society feigned to

i gnore ; yet among whom perhaps t h e secret o f
, ,
To —morrow was alre ady ferment ing .
Wh o ha d talke d to m e of this so soon ? Oh ,
was it not yo u you who were a mother n o t to

, ,
me onl y but to all who n e ede d yo u o n your

,
journ ey through life ! Th e first time yo u took

23 8 A Wo m
an at B ay
me n t I was able to d o m
, y work at h o me Thi s .
c onsi ste d o f book review ing and tr anslatin g and

-
,
making summari es of articles in fore i gn periodicals .
I had b e e n cordially re c ei ve d by t h e la d y e ditor -
wh o ha d expresse d gr eat surprise o n see in g how

young I was I wr ote o n such se ri o us subjects
.
wi th that a ir o f a l i ttl e Mado nn a ! !
I saw i mme di at e l y that wh il e the e di tor s

,
’
n ame was amon g t h e re vi ew s m o st val uable ’
a sse ts m , ost o f t h e actu al work was d o ne by the

man age r a l i ttle fl o rid man extre mel y e n erget ic
, , , .
Th e famous no ve l i st who was barel y past fo r ty

,
a n d still v er y attr ac ti ve in appearanc e d ivide d ,
he r t i me amo n g her wri t i ngs h e r family and he r

, ,
sal o n H e r re putat i o n had been won some

.
fiftee n years befo re an d sh e was now at that

cri t ical point i n her c areer when sh e saw younger
w ri ters c omin g t o t h e fro nt an d dr ea ded lest sh e
might come to b e forgotte n I t may hav e been.
this that d e cid e d h e r n o t t o n egle c t the fresh

opportun i t y t o attra c t the atte n tion o f the publ i c
which t h e new r e vi ew o ffered A c olumn o r two .
o f obse rv at i o n s e x tre mely pl e asing i n style an d

«
,
substanc e c o nst i tute d the ch i ef val ue o f her

,
c o n t ributions wh ich were at on c e t o o c op i ous

Ave Ro ma! 2
39
and too little thought o ut Lately sh e also .

, ,
had taken up with some o f the new ideas but ,
n ot very e n thusiastically and as sh e ha d n o t

, ,
the zeal of a true dis cipl e it did not tr ouble her

,
especiall y t o se e he r r eview becomi ng di st i nctl y

a comme rc i al ente rp ri se B ehin d her i n diffe r
.
ence the man ager s energy seemed to me to

’
s ymbolise a wh o le gr oup o f i nterests full o f m en
ace for woman s new aspirat i ons

’
.
That little bourgeo i s al mo st pov e rty st ri cken

,
-
in appearan c e in his worn clothing al ways shut

, ,
into his dusty cubb y— hol e alongside o f the editor s ’
stud y represe nte d that mercan t ile elemen t which

,
grows ri ch o n female v anit y and t rivial i t y al ways ,
insinuating i ts appeal into the c re at i ons o f woman

a rtists the perorat i ons o f female emancipat o rs
the exh ortat i on s o f the co m
, ,
fo rt e r s the s o cial ,
mothe rs .
The mo de l o f t h e n e w re view fo r wome n h ad ,
l i ke their hats bee n impo rte d from Fr an ce Th e

,
editor s goo d taste and the man age r s shrewd ness

’ ’
had howe ver combi ne d t o give a so rt o f h o mo

, ,
ge n e o usn e ss to the widel y di f ferent subjects

dealt with i n its column s ; thus i t was poss i ble
to extend the circulation among all sorts and
c ondi tio ns o f pe rs o n s an d i f t o a seri ous m

, , in d ed -
woman o f re al culture i t had nothin g t o o ffer

,
b e yo nd a h al f hour s dive r s i o n h e r a m
-
’
,
iable an d
idl e s i st e rs mi ght ami d the ir v ari ous o th e r d is
,
trac t i ons have a v agu e i dea p re s e n te d to their

,
min ds o f an other an d mo re serio us e xi ste nce

runn ing parallel wi th the ir o wn o r e ve n a di m , , , ,
di sq ui e t ing suspi cio n o f t h e fer me n tat i o n o f a n

e n t i re
, n e w wo rld.
All o f which was ver y far re mo ved howe ve r , ,
fr om t h e progr amme ske t che d o ut by t h e e di to r

i n a mo ment o f e nthus iasm .
F or t h e first fe w d ays I e xp e ri e nce d a fe el in g

o f h um il i ati on a nd i t was onl y the fear o f pr o
vo ki n g my h usba nd s d e ri sion that enabl e d m
,
’
e to
take hold o f my w or k r ather respons i bl e fo r such

-
a b e g inn e r— wi th an yth in g l i ke inte re st H e coul d

.
c oul d n o t forgive m e fo r ha vin g p e r sua d e d him
t o plun ge in t o t h e tur m o il o f ci ty li fe an d se t ,
about h i s o wn e n t e rp ri se without e n e rgy o r e n
t h usi asm H e had b e e n a cc ust o me d fo r so man y

.
ye ars t o do the ro ut ine work o f a subordin ate that

t h e n ew sens e o f f re edom an d r esp o ns i b il i t y
we i ghed h i m d own He seeme d u n ab le t o m

. ap
o ut an y daily plan o fwor k fo r h i mself an d wat ch e d

24 2 A Wo m
an at B ay
perso n al i t ie s o f e ve ry shad e o f in tere st Fro m .
a q uie t c orn er myself un obse rve d I was abl e

, ,
to gain a kn owledge o f thin gs an d pe o pl e q uite

un atta inabl e from books .
A few days after begin nin g my wo rk I vi si ted

t h e p ri nting h o use a nd saw the m sett in g up the
pages o f t h e re vi ew ; t h e man ager wearin g the ,
a cc ustome d c on cil i at o ry smi le o n his thi ck lips ,
a c t ing as my gui de On e of the c ompositors

.
happe ned t o have bef o re h i m a n a rti cle o f mi ne ;

a few additional words were neede d to fill o ut
t h e page and there ami d the din o f the m ach ine ry
as I saw h i m
, ,
translat e imme diately in to p ri nte d

c haracte rs t h e wo rds st ill damp fro mm
,
y pen m y
heart beat again st m
, ,
y b re ast a m i st c ame o ve r
,
my eyes .
H a d th e y i n de e d co me back th o se d ays o f
, , ,
h o n es t fatigue when I had wo rke d gay a n d

, ,
i n trepi d amon g my father s o peratives ? Had

,
’
t h e oth e r b e en all a d re am that l o n g in te rv al t h e

, ,
months sp e n t d o wn there i mm ur e d i n a cl o se
,
‘
su ffo c at in g ro o m al o n e with t h e l i ttl e ch ild m

, y ,
so ul l i k e t o b ur st w i th i t s o wn t r ag ic though ts ?
The Roman autu mn was she ddin g i ts gl o ri es

A ve Ro ma! 24
3
upon all aroun d me I c ontinue d m .

y wande rin gs ,
drinkin g in the mysterious charm o f the spe c tacle

which was being unfolded before m y e yes like a
succ e ssi on of s ymbols Somet i mes fleet ing figur e s
.
,
li ke so man y phantoms passed sw iftl y b y close , ,
beside me an d for a moment strange searchin g

, , , ,
fac es wo ul d look into min e ; s c ientists perhaps , ,
o r possibl y foreigners in whose souls the soil o f
Italy had kindl ed some vi tal spark ; o r dwelle rs

in U t o pia whose count ry was the future I
‘
, .
was still a romanti c ist an d I d id not re gr et i t ;

the past held such a sumo f vic i ssitudes whose ,
traces I coul d se e all about me that i t was n ot ,
hard to believe that t h e fut ur e mi ght st ill co n

tain the happiest possib ili ties fo r the human rac e .
I se e myse lf n o w o n an afte rn o on o f late No

,
ve m b e r seate d in m
, y little stud y with the sun ,
pourin g in so that I ha ve to hold up m y hand as

a scr een B efore me i s se ated a pale emac iate d
.
,
man with gr eat glowing black eyes The fa c e

, , .
is handsome at once calm and rugged ; the lower

,
part full o f force and d ete rmin ation the hi gh ,
forehead expressive o f serene confidence Eve ry .
now and then he in te rrupts himself in what h e i s

sa ying to stoop down to whe re the boy lies
stretche d out o n the c arpet at o ur feet runn i ng ,
a white delicate han d through the chil d s curls

,
’
At m
.
y elb o w I am conscious o f my husband ,
distra c te dl y tu rn ing t h e pages o f a b o o k so as

t o gi v e h i mself an air o f being occupied .
The visitor had been i ntrod uc e d to m e a fe w
days before at the house o f m y o ld f ri en d He .
was t h e author of se v eral monogr aphs wh i ch ha d

attr acte d c onsiderabl e attent i on an d h i s sug ,
ge st i ve pseu d o n ym was alread y famil i ar t o me .
I kne w that it con c e ale d the name o f a high

functionary wh o had bee n dismissed from o ffic e
fo r darin g freely t o sp e ak t h e t ruth ; bitterly poor ,
h e was n o w e n gage d upon an e xhaust iv e phil o

soph ic al wo rk H i s fr an k sympathet i c smil e had
.
,
c o mpletel y wo n m e
, so much so that I had had
,
t h e har dih o o d t o ask h i mto come t o se e us in
sp i te o f m
.
y husband s ma nifest in d i f fere n c e

’
e i n n umerable th in gs i n h i s wa rm
.
He tol d m ,
eager vo ice to whic h t h e southern in to n atio n lent

a touch of softn ess He t al ke d wi th o ut e m
.
phasis— as though some inward vo ic e were d i c

tat ing to h i m— about wo men t h e laws m , or als , ,
express i ng man y o f m y o wn v iews but with a ,
vi gour an d simpl icity which I lacked Wh en i t .

free indi vi d ual who app e are d t o be able t o

,
i nte rp re t truths with the authori ty o f a m

,
aster.
I ha d supp o se d that t h e age o f se e rs was o ve r ;

it was n ot so then ?
For a n i n stan t m y h e a d s wam ; th e n I re c o v ered
myself W as I n ot prepar e d to fac e any re v ela
.
tio n ? And befo re tu rn i n g again to my p o or

little j o u rn al i st i c work I ste pp e d o ut o n the
,
terra c e and gaze d at t h e bl i n d in g dis c o f t h e sun ,
han ging above the c yp re sses o f M o nte Mario

and the slanting ray s c ri m
,
s o ni n g the ho ri zon ,
And I thought that that su n se t wo uld l i ve fo r

ever in my me mory .
XV I
L F I ES ’
KA L E ID O S C O P E
H R I ST MAS came with its bushes o f re d
,
berri es o n the steps o f the Tri nit a de ’
Monti and mangers i n the Piazza Na vo na all

, ,
sou rces o f intense delight to my little bo y The n .
foll owe d the se aso n o f theatres an d l e cture s ,
a n d Feb ruary b rin gi n g the first branch e s o f

,
blossoms Streams o f tall blond youn g fo r

.
,
e i gners passe d gail y up an d down t h e streets ,
their arms laden with the white bloom Some .
t i mes I and the ch ild woul d carry home as well . ,
some o f those d eli c ate precursors o f the Sprin g .
O n o ur walls hun g a few photogr aphs : the Sisti ne

Sib yls the tragic te n der Gui dar e llo restin g o n
, ,
his sto n e pillow ; a sketch o f the sleep in g Fu ri es ,
given me b y t h e N orwegi an a rtist ; the n a few

likenesses Le opard i George Sand with he r
, , ,
bunches o f black ri nglets Emerson I bse n ; t h e

, ,
faces o f geniuses and of s ymbolic figures al ik e

seemi n g to gr ow animate d t o glow with a fa in t
,
24 7
248 A Wo m
an at B ay
flush in the lumi nous reflection of the flowers

, .
There seemed to radiate from them a sort

o f r e stful n ess after fatigue , a stimul us to hope .
The boy would run o ut o n the terrace to his

play ; and as I worked I woul d seem to feel all
, ,
the ideas an d impressions gathered in the course

o f my rambles in the wil ds o f the Villa B orghese ,
o r along the ri ver dun es , fermentin g confus edl y

in m y m in d .
Gr eat w as the contrast betwee n these thou ghts

an d the half me chan ic al work which occup i ed m
-
e
.
B ut thi s gave me n o concern B y n o w m.

y
mod e st ambitions as a wri ter h ad fade d i n the
di stan ce ; I e ven found a ce rtain beaut y in the
humble task of select in g news and collect in g
facts bearin g upon the subjects I h ad most at
heart ; an d I waxe d ve ry indi gnant over the flood
o f c omm on pl ac e publ i cation s sign e d b y female
n ames mere parodi es o f the works by men the n
mo st in vogue an d di ctate d b y a vanity more
,
c ontempt i ble even than that o f the s o c iet y dolls

whose pictu re s the manager reprod uce d in the
departme n t headed Mod ern St yle
“
.
!
How i s
i t that all those intellectuals do not see that
wo m a n c an onl y justify her in trusio n upon the
2 59 A Wo m
an at B ay
happy The eldest girl howe ve r was beginning

.
, , ,
perhaps to suspect something She was eighteen

, .
years o ld an d al ready gave indications o f a strong

charac ter B eneath that beautiful brow with
. ,
its del icate tra cery o f v e i ns a proud determina

,
t i on was maturin g to conform he r life to her

ideals Sh e rep r e sente d the future In he r pres
. .
ence I r eal i se d fo r the first time that there were

creatu res younger than myself who might inheri t
so m e spark from m e a n d trans mi t i t to a future
ge n er ation .
B ut wo ul d an y gl eam o f the fire that burn e d

,
w i th in me ever make itself felt without ?

I fancied that I could sometimes read the same
q uest i o n i n the e yes o f the dear o ld mother to
the poor when seated o n a stool at her feet in
, , ,
h e r q uiet stu dy I would listen wh ile sh e told

,
me o f her wonderful life If the editor s daughter

.
’
represente d to me the hope of to —morrow the ,
possible birth o f a new conscious dign i fied , , ,
womanhood this elderl y woman with her noble

,
brow beneath the snow wh i te ha ir was indeed

-
, , ,
the v ery perso n ificat i o n o f the genus o f woman

manifeste d from time t o t i me throughout the
c enturi es in some rare in d ivid ual i ty stronger than
L ife Kal e i do sco p e
’
s 2 51
an y bond o f law o r custom A fervent foll o wer

.
o f Mazzini in her earl y youth sh e had quickly
transferred all her revolutionary enthusias mto

,
the social field Her temperament impelled her

.
to direct action rather than to propaganda Fo r .
thirt y years ever since she had c o me t o the

,
capital from L ombard y and had un i ted herself

,
in a free uni o n to a sculptor of note her work ,
among the unfo rtunate had been incessa n t and

incalculable Her patience in the pursui t of
.
pa rtial reforms the betterment o f charitable

,
institut i ons the gettin g aid from the publi c

,
revenues her persistence in knocking at the doo rs

,
o f the ri ch so as to collect their meagr e alms ,
contrasted oddl y with her belief in the necessit y

fo r some ultimate upheaval b y fire and sword , ,
when the oppressed masses woul d rise up an d

overthrow the conditions forced upo n them b y
the upper classes Had she e ver allowe d this
.
terri ble i d ea to appear in the talks sh e gave to t h e

y oung working men at the People s School sh e
’
had founded ? Her ri ch nature c ombined a

practical lo v e o f human life with an indign ant ,
theoretical re volt against all the worm eaten -
ordinances ; and no o n e felt as strongly as sh e

2 5 2 A Wo m
an at B ay
t he tr ag ic beaut y o f th i s prese n t age wi th i ts ,
feeble s o ci al experi me nts it s p re senti ments o f

,
scientific d i sc o v eries wh ich will re v olut i onise

e verything i ts reach in g afte r n e w sup e rhuman
, ,
i deals In the course o f all these year s passe d in

.
t h e cosmopol i tan an d a rt i stic atmosphere o f her
pa rt n er s studio an d ami d that popul ace who m

’
,
she made her stud y sh e had met great poet s a nd

,
ex galle y sla v es unfo rt un ate women an d wo me n

- -
,
who were deprave d statesme n a nd stre e t v aga

,
bonds And even now there appeare d i n h er

.
small stud y women an d men o f the most v a ri ous

n at i onal i t ies ; humanity i tself di ve rse yet united , , ,
seemed to defile before her Some t i mes I would .
hear them talk in g o f other peopl e s still o f r e ,

~
mote mul t i tu d es whos e c on ception o f the uni verse

and o flife i s i n comprehensible to us The thought .
o f o ur civ il i sat i on tra v elling o v er so small a

,
port i on o f t h e gl o be c ame t o m
, e wi th amazeme n t .
Rome ye s sh e i s t h e ideal ce n t re t h e common

, , ,
c ou n t ry o f the pri vilege d races The y all go .
their w ays thes e p il grims who hav e so man y

, ,
man y aims in c ommon and who can not con ,
t e mplat e a un i te d work which shall b e irr adi ated

by t h e hea rt o f the world Rome ! ,
O h that land o f peace still visible o n the

, ,
h o ri zo n whe n we came o ut at last on the street !

If one m i ght onl y take refuge there a m id the
green n ess an d r unni ng water and forget that,
human be in gs j ust the same as I a nd m

, y , so n ,
an d that sa i nte d creature who was m y g uide ,
l ive d wrappe d in rags gasp i ng fo r breath shak ing

, ,
wi th cold a nd ignora n t even o f what i t was

, ,
what ir on han d kept them shut up in th ose d ens !

Duty lay the re in th at see th in g mass in the
, ,
spectacle o f that te rri fying real i t y There shoul d.
be dragged all who l ive i n the e nj oym e n t o f l i ght ,
pure ai r objects o f beauty e i ther s i mple o r costl y

,
necessary o r superfluous ; all those who sm

,
ilin gl y
wan d er ab o ut amid palac es a nd fou n tains who ,
crowd to the theatre s o r rush t o se e the arrival

o f a p ri n c e o r t h e unve il in g o f some useless
mon ume n t Dr ag the m thither a nd— when they
.
,
can st ill fo r ge t— let t he h o ur o f d o o m sound !
On e in gle pe rs on se eme d to m
s e to be superior
to this d ut y ; he hel d my attention appearin g

‘
to keep his so ul suspe nde d as it were h i gh above

, ,
e v er y v i sion o f eithe r go o d o r e vil This was .
the myste ri ous personage who appe are d to be

L ife K al e i do sco p e
’
s 255
in the possession of some gre at secret o f h uman

life the prophet
, as the editor o f M n li er
,
!
smilingl y named hi m My husban d ha d made .
an exception in hi s favour an d allowed me to

receive him ; reassur ed no d oubt b y hi s r epu , ,
t at i o n for asc etic i sm His vi s i ts howe ver were

.
, ,
few and short Sometimes we woul d m

. eet o n
the street — we both lived in the Flamin io q uarter

—and he wo ul d turn and walk a little way with
me The child would slip a hand in hi s o f i t s

.
o wn accord . What attraction had m y so n and

—
,
—
I for thi s strange solita ry ill perhaps be in g ? ,
It was simpl y that he sometimes felt the nee d ,
without knowin g it to talk to allow some glimpses

, ,
to be seen o f that world throu gh which he move d

entirel y alone And he found that I was w ill in g
.
to listen B ut I d id n ot catch so much as a

.
glimpse : all that I actuall y kn ew was that the

work upon whi c h he was engaged c o ntain ed a
message o f vit al import for mank in d .
The first time I asked myself in te rr or whethe r

, , ,
he were a mystic o r a mad man Graduall y -

.
the feel ing o f alarm disappeared I who ha d .

,
never dared to let m yself take up ps ych ical

studies realisin g at the same ti m
, e that th i s was
a spec i es o f i ntellectual c oward ice n o w found ,
myself almost accepting the h ypothesis that this

ma n m ight re veal some th i ng to me in wh ich ,
for s o me o ccul t re aso n I woul d belie ve

, .
H e talke d t o me o f the unknown o f the e f ,fo rts

put forth by huma n ity t o pro ve the existenc e
of a superhuman o ri gin an d d estin y I was .
fasc inate d an d almost blushe d to think o f t h e

,
e as e wi th wh ic h I fo r my o wn part had sol v e d

, ,
the religi o us enigma i n t h e most serious mome n t

of m y life . This man represented to me possi
b ili t i e s o f sp iri tual suffe ri ng which I was boun d
,
to c onfe ss I did not possess Fruitless suffer

, .
i ngs perhaps ; but d o e s not the utmost nob ility

, ,
o f whi c h the hum an being is capable li e in th o s e
ago ni se d e ffo rts t o ri se ab o ve i tself ?

An d a humbl e f e eli n g at onc e mate rn al and
,
filial some thing al together new i n m

, y exp e ri e nc e ,
sp r an g up in my h e art fo r him Th e as ce ti c life

.
h e le d a nd t h e s i ngular forc e o f chara c t e r whi ch

,
e n abl e d h i m to h o l d h i mself aloof from all c o n
fide n t i al self ab and o n me n t attracte d m

-
e st r o n gly ,
as di d al so h i s app e ar anc e so fr a il an d yet so

,
p ro ud Was h e aware o f th is ? I did n o t ask

.
mysel f ; an d at all e ve nts th e re was n o sugge stion

, ,
2 58 A Wo m
an at B ay
us all ? I t w as n ot concei v able Yet wh at .

, ,
the n was t h e meaning o f that mysterious e x

,
ho rtat i on t o m e t o wa i t wh ic h h e r e n ewe d fro m

, ,
t i me t o t i me ?
I was t al k in g ab o ut h imt o t h e de ar o ld m o th e r
o n e d ay . Sh e ha d k n own him fo r some t i me
and had a sp e ci al feeling o f tendern ess fo r h i m .
I aske d i f sh e ha d e ver taken him wi th h er t o

vi s i t so me te rri ble scene o f wan t .
Y es ; a nd he had seen others more o ve r in , ,
di ffere n t pa rts o f t h e worl d at Lon d o n N ew

,
— ,
You se e , my
d aughter he tells h imse lf all
e that e v e ry attempt at soc i al r efo rmi s
,
t h e tim
useless without t h e a id of the new faith whi ch h e
pro poses to gi ve mankind He is in sear ch o f
.
t h e absolut e and n oth i ng could be mo re us e l e ss

,
—harmful e ven— than the abs o lute whe n w e

kn ow that e v e ry th i ng chan ges an d that we m
,
ust,
d ie H e i s looking n o doubt fo r so me fresh

proof o f t h e im
.
, ,
mortality o f t h e so ul since t h e
B ut m
,
o ld on e s are o f n o more u se a nkind h as

belie ve d in thi s im mo rtal ity up to t h e pre se nt
.
t im e w i thout gr ow in g an y better
A sh ado w came in to her ey es

L i fe ’
s K al e ido sco p e 259
No one could lon g more than I do fo r t h e

consolation o f knowin g that after death I shall
se e hi mwhom I have love d best !
, ,
I h oped fo r
so man y y ear s that fate would n ot make m e
outli ve m y companion It has been othe rwise

. .
B ut the sweetness of o ur u nio n enfolds me

still in memo ry I am resign e d t o j ou rn ey o ve r
.
this l ast stage o f the r oad alo n e I have

.
had m y sha re o f goo d thin gs My d e a r what

.
,
i s n e e de d i s fo r man to love l i fe in p ropo rt io n

as h e is able t o be go o d to everyo ne mate rnal ,
f o r ever y o n e : a n d i t is n ot by gaz in g b e yo nd t he
tomb th at thi s en d c an be atta in e d
m
.
I thought o f all the t i es whe n I had fe lt th i s

man t o be detach e d r emo ve d from t h e world He
, .
h ad n o t e ve n an y di sciples ; n ot o n e amo n g all

t h e y o un g m e n who fille d the colum
, ,
ns o f the
le adin g re vie ws and in voked the expectat io n !
in v e r se ever h ad t h e id ea to qu esti o n h im t o
,
, ,
pr ob e h is sec ret .
My o ld fri e nd prese n tl y reco vere d h e r calm

H e is re ally a un i que ex am ple a n d I s o metim
.
es
t ak e a so rt o f m
,
st h e t i c sat i sfact i on in the fa c t o f
kn ow in g h im; I am asham ed of th i s though at

bottom fo r I fee l a gre at co mpass i o n fo r him
, ,
, .
A Wo m an at B ay
And y o u ch il d hav e y o u too falle n a

, , ,
l i ttle u nde r h i s spell ? W ome n are n e ver i n

diffe re n t to manifestat ions o f my st i c i sm I f I .
co ul d give y o u an example of how I feel about

i t i t i s l ike th i s : I belie v e in the unkno wn I e v en
, ,
ha ve t h e w i n d ows o f m y mind open in that di

re c t ion ; but I can t stan d all day looki ng out o f
’
t h e wi n d ow ; there i s too mu c h to b e d o n e about
t he h o use ! !
Sh e sm il e d w i th a l i ght irony b e hi nd whi c h th e re

l
lu rke d a pass i on o f tende rn ess How delicately .
sh e u nve il e d the so ul s o fme n ! Would I some day

be able t o ope n m y o wn to her fr e el y ? Sl o wl y , ,
slowl y I fe lt a p r ofou nd sa dn e ss steal o v e r m

, e To .
thi s n oble b e i ng l i fe w as l o ve : and i f love i s e ve ry

th in g in life the n I as y e t knew n oth in g o f l i fe
, , , .
We we re at F e b ruary ; in flu e nz a was
t he end o f
e p id e m i c and m
, y son fell i ll at fir st onl y sl i ghtl y
, ,
but so o n t h e sy mptoms became al arming Th e .
l i ttl e c reature had n e ver been sick before a nd I ,
gr ew qu i te beside my self during those ho r r i bl e

d ay s n eve r to b e forgotte n y e t whose memo ry
, , ,
i s ind ist inc t O ne night I d o recall clearly There

.
, .
h ad b e e n c o nvul sions followed by d el irium an d

,
The c on vul s i ons were go t u nd e r c ontrol ; but

fo r n early fort y hour s n o t a s in gl e consc i o u s o r
i ntell ige n t wo rd h ad i ssue d from the little ro sy ,
mouth n ow so drawn and se t ; the ey es large r ,
than e ve r seemed to be askin g what had hap

,
pe n ed an d to be uneasy at not un derstand i ng

, .
I do n o t re call all the he a rt rend in g ph ases o f t h e

illn ess but I can feel again t h e acute su ffe rin g
o f that sight M y o wn fe ver was so high that
.
I d i d n ot kno w what was goin g o n w i th in me and ,
ago ni s in g imp re ssions followe d o n e an other a nd

gr ew confused I remembe r th o ugh t h e awake n
in g A m o ment o f heave nl y j o y whe n a s m
.
, ,
. il e
,
fli t t ed o v e r the poo r l i ttle mouth— irr adi ated t h e

whi te f ace a nd a feeble v oice str ange y e t fam
il i ar an swered when the do c to r aske d hi mhi s
, ,
n ame O h th at name m
,
y so n s n ame whi ch f rom

’
.
, , ,
that m o men t be cam e fo r me the n am e o f l i fe !

Th e illn ess pu rsued i t s r egul ar c ourse ; t h e
l i ttl e o n e was doc ile alm ost co nc e rn ed hi m
, self , ,
in the bus iness of gett in g well ; the re was n o n ee d

to st ruggle w i th him in o rde r to carry o ut t h e
d octor s orde rs When he was most comfo rtable
’
.
,
in the in te rv al s o f fe ver he would say t o me :

,
“
What was the matte r wi th me Mam ma t h e , ,
Life ’
s K ale ido sco p 2 63
othe r night ? Every thing looked red yo u

were not there y o u were not there
, An d .
a little hand would creep up and smooth m y

face The v i olet lights o f the March afternoo n
.
fil tered in to the room ; outside bey o n d the terrace , ,
the sky was flooded with gold tinted clouds -

.
Then the shadows would fall and the long hours ,
o f the n ight would slowl y succee d o n e a n othe r .
I was alone watching till the dawn

, .
Sometimes the dim outlin e of m y husban d s

’
figure would emerge from the d arkn ess as I sat , ,
my gaze ri veted upon the vague sweet lines o f ,
the little head restin g sideway s o n the pillow

, .
During the acute stages o f ou r son s illness I had ’
seen him honestl y distressed It had not thril led .
me fo r a sin gle instant ; sealed up as I was within , ,
the tr agi c circle of m y own maternal feelings .
Like two stran gers drawn together fo r an instant

,
b y m i sfo rtune o ur fi gures erect o n either sid e

, ,
o f the little bed we had not even for a moment

,
b y wo r d o r gesture turned the o n e towards the

,
other .
The belo ved life was sav ed directed once more ,
towards the future I could thin k o f it n o w w ith

c almwi th the same fortitude with whi ch I had
.
,
2 64 A Wo m
an at B ay
c o n t e mplate d his poss i bl e e n d It was the best .
part o f me which thus reste d a nd revived : t h e

o r i g in al , inn ocent stro ng s id e o f m
, y n ature ,
abl e t o re p e l e ve ry in si d ious attack even as i t h ad ,
lat e ly re pell e d d eath B ut that other si de that

.
,
cre ature ale rt r acke d w i th memorie s and pre

se n t im ,
,
e n t s weak v ac illating haunted b y
c h o ly expe ri e nc e ?
, elan
,
Sh e was al ive as n eve r b e fore

m
,
sc ruti n i sing f ru i tlessly the shad ows round about

h e r ; afr a i d for pe rhaps the fir st time with such
,
absolut e s in ce ri ty o f h e r self
, o f her destin y , .
Wh y ha d I tu rn e d so n atu r ally to the i dea o f

dy in g when m y so n was in d ange r ? Had I ,
the n n o ex i ste n ce ind ependent o f h is ? B es ide

t h e d uty o f r ear i n g t h e j o y o f helping h imhad
,
I n o othe r d uties just as im

, ,
perat i ve ?
N e arly thr ee y e ars h ad elapse d s i nce m y at
tem pt at su i c ide Throughout t h e cont inuous
.
asc e n t I h ad t ri e d by m y pen an d by the force

o f e xampl e to p e r sua d e my self i n persuad in g ,
o th e rs that l i fe must be l iv e d fo r some w id e r

aimtha n on e s indi v id u al h app i ness
,
’
a nd that ,
e v e ry sa crifice b e com e s poss i ble easy even

.
, ,
whe n o nce we hav e come to feel the necessity

fo r t h e t ie o f broth e rhoo d H o w often had I
.
XVI I
TH E I R ONY OF F ORTU N E
H E l i ttl e o n e s co n v ales ce nce was long ; at

’
t h e be ginnin g o f A p ril we we n t just we ,
t wo b y o ur sel v es to spend a few d ay s at N em i

, ,
an d in t h e v e rn al fre s hn ess o f t h e w o o d s the ,
b e lo ve d li ttle c re atur e r ega in e d at last all hi s

, ,
v iv ac i ty H ow in effably sweet was ou r sol i tude

.
b e sid e t h e st ill c e rul e an bas in o f the lak e ! Sin c e

,
hi s ill n e ss m y b o y s e y e s seemed to ha ve b e c o m e
’
de e p e r more thoughtful ; hi s sm il e to have gr ow n

more tende r more thrill in g He had now left
,
, .
in fan cy and h ad ente red in to chi l dhoo d ; hence

fo rward imp re ssi ons woul d beg in to be stam ped
u po n hi s b r ain The co n sc i ous ne ss o f m
.
y miss i on
was cl e a r e nough n o w woul d i t b e en o ugh to
,
carry m e on ?
I wen t ba ck t o m y wo r k All m.
y c o ll e ague s
h ad be e n ext re mel y kind an d s ym pathet i c ;
while the m anage r as well as t h e e d i to r ha d
, ,
T he I r o n y of F o r t un e 2 67
shown the utmost in dulge n ce fo r m y p ro lo n ge d

absence .
I use d gr eatly to e njoy the rap id daily walk i n ,
all kinds o f weather between m y home and the

,
o ffice o f t h e paper feeling th at I was just like

,
an y othe r w orking woman and battling some , ,
times wi th the tramontana somet imes w i th t h e ,
sirocco I w ould get there a little flushe d by

.
the exe rc i se sit down and be g in cutt in g the pages

, ,
o f the ne w books and reviews It was in t h e .
nature o f a bri ef re c onnaissance i n the coun t ry

o f cultu re whe re for me there we re alway s um
, , ,
explored regions changes of scene unexpe c te d

, ,
revelatio ns I woul d make notes of what i t

.
would be necessa ry to read the things which must ,
be gone in to thoroughl y and those fo r which a

supe rficial glance woul d su ffice ; a nd th i s do n e , ,
I wanted to gathe r i t all up an d ca rry i t back t o

t h e house w i th me t o be alone with m
, y eve r
fresh treasures B ut the manager woul d appea r
.
o ut o f hi s d en ; he t o o h ad been busy cutt i ng

, ,
leaves and he woul d call m y atte n tion to the

“
most insipid variet ies indicate i n te rvi ews
, ,
paragr aphs o f l i terary goss i p anecdotes relat i ng ,
to t h e con te n t i on s betwe e n the Cathol ic n o vel i sts

a n d the Ind ex audience s with the Po pe a cc oun ts

, ,
o f the intellectual gathe ri ngs presi de d o v er b y
the ! uee n D owager ; an d woe to hi m wh o fa ile d

-
to g i ve due promine n ce to an y o f these thi ngs .
We sub e d itors use d to resort to a vari ety o f

-
de vi ces i n order to shi ft th i s work o ff o n o n e

another our chief usuall y shoulderin g t h e most
,
t i resome ones herself She i ndee d had such ,

‘
a r eady pen and so l ively an im

.
,
aginat i o n that
she could qu i ckl y dispose o f su c h tasks ; and sh e
“
alway s upheld the man ager Y o u ca n make
a ny thi ng go just by using a l i ttle tact m
.
y dea r ,
li ttle Pe rugin a sh e w ould say

,
!
A l i ttl e tact
.
,
an d o n e can sou nd the praises o f the o stri ch ,
t h e pro vid ence o f h ats just as well as o f Saint

,
An tho ny the p rotecto r o f marri age ! A nd i n

,
!
thi s way w i th a jest she di sm

, , isse d eve ry q ue st i o n
th at came up .
Tact sh e c e rta in l y had The N orweg i an a rt i st

.
had made a whole se ri es o f drawings o f the ed i to r s ’
tact ! Dear gi rl ! The first t im e I vi sited he r

little stu di o o n the Pari ol i sh e han ded me with ,
a characte ristic gesture that was entirely No rthe rn

,
-
a mixture of in nocence an d shr ewdness a sheet ,
-
o f paper upo n which to m y i nfin i te am az ement

, ,
of th is fa vo u ri t e e xp re ss i o n o f hers whi ch sh e
ofte n e m ploy e d q ui te in appr Opr i at e ly as i t
s ee m
,
ed When I looke d at th at mob ile e ve r

m
.
,
s i l in g mouth — a m o uth howe ver whi ch ex , ,
presse d e ve ry shad e o f mean in g from l ight

hea rte dn e ss to trage dy —c ontrast in g i t wi th
,
the im movably sere ne blue ey es an d then thought ,
o f he r five y e a r s expe rie n ce in the h euse o f he r

’
sa in tly g ao le r i t was l ike a re velat i o n to m

, e
o f t h e gre at a rt at o n ce sp o n tan eo us an d pro
fo und displaye d in so m
,
e o f t he No rwe gi an
mt
,
rpie ces
as e
He l o ve d m
.
e y o u und e rst an d we we re t wo
an d h e l o ve d m
, ,
se rvan ts o f Go d , e as a fe ll o w
p ati o u at e ve r y hour in e very c o rne r o ft he h o use !

O h i t was so t ireso m
, ,
!
e!
wan t e d t o ge t away fro m Go d The re was .
a hot di scussi o n ; h e l oved God fir st an d h e r

afte rwards ; sh e t old hi mh e wo uld have t o cho os e
betwee n th e m
T h e Go d o f I t al y i s so mu ch m
.
o re agre e abl e
Y o u can se rv e him w i thout

,
“
sh e remarke d .
gett in g so te rribl y t ire d be cau se at bo tto m , , ,

T he I r o n y of F o r tun e 27 1
yo u are reall y not quite su re whethe r he is pay

in g an y attention to y o u o r n o t When y o u .
want any thin g y o u pray then y o u make y our

,
bow an d g o about y our bus in e ss .
So she had come o ff to Ital y all by h e rself the , ,
country which had lure d he r from ch ildhood .
She had been a governess first and then the , ,
illustrator fo r a fashion paper ; afte rwards the

success of he r first e ssay s in her o wn o riginal ar t ,
had encouraged her to de vo te he rself e n tirely

to that .
There were day s when a certain lady came to

“
see me sh e obse rved se re n ely Lady Hunge r
,
!
,
— M adon n a F am a— She s v e ry ugly do y o u

’
,
kn o w ! !
A wa ve o f ga i ety alway s entered the house

with her She made me lau gh as I ha d neve r
.
lau ghe d s ince I was a chil d ; and her spi rit seemed
to revive m y o wn Even m y husban d put as id e
.
somethi ng o f his frowning aspect when sh e was

there A t first he had taken exceptio n to her
.
unconsciously w inn ing way s those o f a wo man ,
and an a rtist who is aware o f the charm o f her

,
o wn personality B ut later her play ful fem in in e

.
, ,
wit fascinated him as di d also the elegan ce an d

, , ,
origin al i ty o f her mo d e o f d ress in g— lo n g t r a il ,
ing garments wh i ch wav e d a nd clu ng about

her pers o n He n o t only o ffered no obj e c t i o n t o
.
o ur gr ow in g i ntima cy but e ve n we n t so far

,
as oc c as i on al ly to ac company us to t h e play
or som e other ente r ta in me n t whe n he was n ot
too m uch taken up by t h e in creas ing c are s o f
hi s wo rk Somet im es h e e ven riske d a l i ttl e
chaff w hi ch sh e seem
.
e d t o enjo y fo r i ts exot i c
flavou r but repl i e d t o wi th Such keen raill e ry

,
that m y husband woul d become greatl y ex ci ted .
O nce i n deed whe n w i th a somewhat m al i c i ous

, , ,
laugh sh e dr ew an outrageo us cari cature o f h i m

,
with a few strokes o f her pe ncil he abuse d m e

,
fo r two whole day s ; u nt il o n he r ne x t vi sit ,
h i m wi th a pl e asa n t wo rd o r
,
she m o llifie d
two .
Th e Re vi ew c e l e b r ate d i ts fir st annive rsa r y
b y hol di ng a recept i o n My fri e nd h ad p re p are d

.
a l i ttle exh i b i t i on in black a nd wh i te in which ,
the re figure d consp icu ously a se ri es o f d e l ici ou s

sketches o f m y b o y du ri n g the pe ri o d o f c o n
vale sc e n ce he be in g in h i s own p e r s o n a n o bje c t
, , ,
o f ge n eral admiration I h ad let he r orde r a gown

fo r m
.
e fo r the o ccasio n a perfectly s im pl e white

,
2 74 A Wo m
an at B ay
head emerged like a spear o f golden wheat and ,
towe ri ng almost a hea d above eve r y o n e else

in the room leane d ove r the l i ttle ladies as over
,
so ma ny ni ce l i ttle d olls ; sh e seeme d to belong to
a di ffe rent ty pe of human i ty There approached

her a r obust mat r on a tra gi c act ress alm
.
, ost se v enty
y ear s ol d just at the mome n t whe n a p r ofessor
, ,
the husband o f o n e o f m y colleagues i nterested i n

,
did actic matte rs aske d me somewhat pe d ant i cally :

,
“
Is thi s the reign of M n li er o r o f F tem ino ?
I coul d not reply to himin Lat i n but poin ting to
,
t h e pair I sai d :
,
Ther e are t wo wome n !

I ha d met the actress at the h ouse o f m y o ld
re volution ist : the two had bee n boun d by t ies
o f t h e closest in t i m a cy for n early hal f a c en tury .
The heroic figures o f the pe ri od o f n at i o n al inde

p e n de n c e consta n tl y loome d large i n the ir con
ve r sat i o n s An arde n t republ i can like he r great
master Gustavo Modena the a rt i st n ow h eard the
.
, ,
trumpet o f fame e xhaust in g i tself in soun din g the

prai ses o f actor s who depe n ded more upon thei r
n erves than the ir b ra ins She had n e ve r pa id
.
adul at i on either to the boxes o r the p i t an d sh e ,
st ill believe d that the stage was a miss i on .

T he I r o n y o f F o r t un e 2 75
It seemed to me as though compared with her , ,
all these people surging thr ough the rooms were
ephemeral How few how isolated were the real

,
women ! D om
.
i n o mistress the gallant professor

had called me Mistress of he rself wo m
, ,
. an cer ,
t ainl y was not as y e t

, Wo ul d sh e e v e r be ?
.
The No r we g ian now came up to me acco m pan

ie d by a y oun g man as tall as herself w i th an ,
attracti ve stud i ous face She introduc e d h im ;

, .
he was a phy siologist who ha d already made a

favourable name for himself Hi s mann e r to .
me was extremel y cordi al the artist I coul d se e , , ,
encouragin g him Indeed hi s li ki ng for me

.
w as ev idently but a part o f the feel ing which

he h ad fo r m y fr i e nd an d i t was n ot dif
, ficult ,
as I watche d them in terchange remarks and
observ ations to see that a mutual unde rstan di n g

,
linked them together eve n whe n they wer e s ilent .
My husband meanwhile q uite o u t o f his ele

, ,
ment remained in a corn e r an d did not t r y to

,
conceal hi s ill humour his brow o nl y clea rin g

-
,
when the Norwegian who was very much sought

,
after would occasionall y cross o ver and say a

few words to him Thinking it mi ght put him
,
more at his ease to have some one to speak to ,

I to o k t he bo y o ve r to hi m but
, o nl y to be
r epulsed :
“
Do y o u wan t to get rid o f himso as to shi ne
mo re y ourself ? !
A nger and in dign at i on took po sse ssio n o f me .
I pleade d in d isposition and we left Neither o n .
t h e st reet n o r o n getting home di d eithe r o f us
say a w o rd What was the use ? This was n ot

.
jeal o usy i t was a d eep seated spite humil iatio n

,
-
, ,
a man ia to asse rt himself to fl in g out a d efia n ce ,
whe ne v er he saw an y possib il i ty o f m

,
y b e c o m i ng
ind epe n de n t An d I d i d n o t dare t o pau se fo r a
mome n t to c onsider the ir o ny o f m
.
y s i tuat i on !
Why was I so terr i fied lest o the r s mi ght n ot i ce
th ese things ? It seeme d to me as though an inn e r
vo ice t axed m e n o t o nl y wi th co wardic e but w i th
, ,
hypo cri sy .
Th e me agre ye t fat i guing wo rk up o n whi ch

I was e n gage d did n o t offer m
,
e muc h co n solat i o n
fo r m y perso n al d efeats I began t o di scover the

.
absence of an y n u cleus i n Italy wh i ch should put

o rd er a nd di sc i pl i ne i nto the attempts and ma ni
fe st o e s o f t h e female ag i tato r s fo r i n d epen d e n ce .
U ni ty amo ng the female laity did n o t as y e t , ,

of the un fo rtu n ate i nm ates I t was a large l i ght .

,
ro o m whe re the patie n ts coul d re c e ive a li ttl e

eleme n tary in stru c t i o n read a few b o o ks hear an
, ,
o c c asi o n al word o r t wo w hich might arouse ,
d o wn in the d e pths o f the ir p o o r abus e d bo dies , ,
so me lo n g in g fo r a r e n ew al for sal vat i o n On e , .
day I we n t there too ; oh I shall not r e e voke y o u

,
-
,
u n happ y siste rs i n thes e pages ! I must fir st se e

y o u aga in have y o u r e ve al fa r m o r e to m
,
, e than
was possibl e o n that s o l i ta ry and now long di stan t -
meeting I t i s a vo w st ill bi ndin g o n me m ade ,
at the time when o n retu rnin g to m

.
, y hom e I ,
cl asped m y so n to m y hea rt a nd as ke d my se lf
i n t e r ror for the fir st t ime i f I should ha ve t h e
power safely to guard th at flowe r of life se nd hi m
, ,
fo rth free u nha rm ed t o m e et hi s m

,
ate
B etwee n the two phase s o f a wom

.
, ,
an s l i fe
’
bet wee n t h e vi rgi n and t h e m

,
othe r there i s a n ,
abno rmal bei n g aga in st n ature created by

, ,
mascul in e selfishn ess but who takes an unconscious

,
revenge H e rein lies the root o f the war betwee n

.
the sexes T h e young gi rl w i th her i gno r ance

.
,
an d her dreams c omes to her husband and fi nd s

h im melancholy
,
in ert ; when sh e beco mes a

wom
,
an and expe ri enced sh e learns for the fir st

, ,
T he I ro n y of F o r t un e 2 79
ti me h o w his lo ve has been forestall ed by a brutal

i nitiation B etwee n them often there comes
.
, ,
an Intruder the very thought o f whom degrades

,
eve ry embrace
Who woul d m
.
My son ! ak e t h e sacred r e
velation to hi m? Woul d I e ver be abl e to
tell himwh at o n e day h e m ust mean to his
wi fe ?
In thi s wo rl d that was s e e thin g all about us
the re was so m u ch s cept i c i sm so m uch vileness
, .
H ad I n o t been prese n t du r ing a se ss io n o f the

Cham be r o f Deput ies when an inte rpolati o n o n the
“
t r affic in wo men had ai ril y b e en l i quid ated !
in five minutes by a min iste r who declared that

Italian legislatio n was i n thi s respect much
, ,
bet t e r than that o f othe r count ri es whi le in the

alm
,
ost e mpty house a few honourable gentlemen

,
despat che d the ir messenge rs o r chatted unheed

i n gly among themsel ve s ? On e cleri cal deput y
“
lame n ted lugub r iousl y ove r the necessity for this
matrimo ni al safety valve and was interrupted
-
,
!
b y t h e in te rpolato r who pronou n ced marriage

,
a fet i sh to which h uman bei ngs were being

sacri fice d Two u nder sec retaries levelled the i r
.
-
glasses at the Ladies Galle ry and began pluming

’
2 89 A Wo m
an at B ay
them se lve s ; the n the di scussio n o f t h e bu d get
was take n up .
It seeme d to m e stran ge i ncomp rehe n sible

, ,
that cult iv ated persons should attach so little

i mportance to the social problem of love : Not
that me n take no interest in the subject of women ,
o n the c o n tra ry , i t se e ms t o be n early i f n ot

,
q u i te the ir ch i ef p re occupat i o n Poets and n o v el

, .
i st s co n t in ue t o re p r oduc e t h e everlasti n g d uet

o r t e r zi n a— w i th se n timental o r sensual variations .
N o t o n e o f th e m howe ver has been able to

, ,
create a great female character .
This reflectio n induce d me to wr it e a n ope n

letter to a y oun g poet who had lately publishe d
a n eulogium o n the femal e figu res in Itali an
poetry Th e art i cle p r o ve d to be a happ y i n ~
.
spiratio n fo r i t awoke e choes throughout the ent i re

press and b rought M n li e r prominently to the
,
fore to t h e v isibl e sat i sfactio n o f the editor In

,
.
i t I said that almo st al l o ur poets up to the present

,
day ha d su n g a n i de al woman ; that B eatrice

’
was a sy mbol an d Laura a hiero glyph ; an d that

i f a woman ever figure d at all i n the ve rses of o ur
poets sh e was su re to be o f the kind they could not
get ; t h e w omen whom they did have who bore ,
ye ars s ince th at sym b o l ic fable had bee n put fo rth

by a c e rtain p o werful in tellect in No rway an d ,
t h e publ i c afte r applaud i n g thr ough three a c ts

, ,
st ill p r oteste d w i th outspoken v i gou r at the

clos in g scene No o n e no o n e was willin g to look
the sim
.
,
ple sh in i n g truth in t h e face !

,
“
O nl y gi ve me back a qua rt e r o f a c e n tu ry
excla im ed m
,
“
y gre at a rt i st f ri e nd an d I wo uld
,
f e th e m t o a cce pt i t !
!
o r c
And I was m o re pe rsu ad e d than e ve r th at i t

rest s wi th wo man t o vin d icat e he rself ; that sh e
al o n e can re veal he r o wn n atu re c omposed in deed
o f lo ve m at e rn i t y c o m m
, , ,
, , p assi o n ; b ut a l so o fh u an
digni ty .
Summer came t wo to rrid mo n ths whi ch I do n o t

y wo m
,
recall ve ry dist in ctly All m .

‘
e n frie nds as
“
well as t h e prophe t we re away from Rome .
My wo r k h ad incre ase d o win g to the abse n ce o f

the e di to r who ha d go n e to the mou n tain s in search
o f fresh a i r a nd the plot o f a new n o v el N e ve r .
t h e less I man aged to take the b o y fo r a pa rt of

,
eve ry day to the Vill a B o rghese where while he ,
wi th that happ y facul ty for being amused which

belo ngs to his age play ed for hours at a t i me with
,
T he I ro ny of F o r t un e 2 83
co m panio ns whom he picked up o n the spot

I read allowin g m
,
, y e y es to follow from time to ,
time the ha rmonious lines o f the great pine trees

,
-
.
My husband ? I don t k now ; I don t remember

’ ’
mu ch about h imat this time I have o nl y a weari

some im
.
pression o f his vo i ce rather harsh a n d

,
ever ready to break into fault fin din g and -
complain t o f his sulle n brow where a fresh

, , ,
pe rpe ndicular li n e had stamped itself while his ,
chron ic i r ritability had accentuated the lines

o f the cheek bo n es and jaws
-
An ill concealed
.
-
sentiment of host ility was taking root in him .
O ur relations must have continued to be the

same as ever ; I don t remember but I know that
’
,
he never showed an y consideration for me e ve n

when I was ill o r prostrated with fatigue .
A s a fact I was not well Certain diso rders

.
,
which had given me trouble ever since the birth

o ft h e b o y had in creased
, My colleague the lad y
.
,
d o ct o r in t h e course o f conversation o n e day

, ,
had said somethin g that terrified me but I ,
coul d n o t summon up the courage t o ask he r more

pa rt icularly what sh e meant ; not e ven when ,
towards the cl o se o f the summer I became so ,
much worse that I had to stay in bed fo r over a

2 84 A Wo m
an at B ay
we ek I got up e xhauste d and wi th a fe e l ing

.
,
o f d e adl y wear i n ess in all m y limbs .
All t hi s whi le I was gett in g dep r ess in g l e tte rs

f ro m m y sisters P apa was i n a state o f acute
.
irri tat i on because t h e operat iv es wh o were ,
st r o n gl y organised were th r eatening t o stri ke

, .
A t home he foun d h imself i n an atmosphere

e v e ry whit as hostile an d this must greatly ha v e
,
in crease d his exasperation E ve n m y brothe r

.
h ad taken to fre q uenting socialist meetings an d

h e and the two girl s e agerl y drank in the e n g i neer s
’
h ar a n gues There w as a strange sugge st ive for ce

.
,
in thi s y oung man My b r oth e r s a nd s i sters

.
’ ’
we ake r S pirits had all falle n u nd er its spell an d

the ir dread o f papa had decreased p r opo rt i o n ately ,
as the y cam e in to co n tact with this fie ry i dealisti c ,
n ature Fo r two y ears n ow t h e po o r y oung

.
, ,
fian c ée ha d ha d to e nd ure t h e o ppos i t i on to he r
p ass i o n I thought
. o f the p r ou d look i n her sweet ,
d ark e y e s wh ich tol d o f t h e e n chantment o f t h e

d reamsh e w as cheri shing H app y ? She was that.
c ertainl y i n spit e o f t h e tears wh ich t h e gr ow ing

,
b re ach betwee n he r lo ve r an d he r fathe r cause d

‘
h e r to shed In t h e course o f t h e com in g wi nte r

.
sh e w o ul d be twe n ty o n e a nd then sh e woul d lea ve

-
2 86 A Wo m
an at B ay
curtly an swe re d : No an d b roke o ff the con ,
ve rsat i o n .
T h e n ext m o rn i n g a telegr am cam e fr om m y

si ste r i n law a n nou ncin g that the propr i et o r ha d
- -
,
se ttle d the d i f ferences with the me n a nd that h e

was going to o ffe r m y h usban d the post o f d ire c to r .
I can hear agai n the harsh laugh that burst

from me on hearing the co n tents o f that she et o f
y ellow paper Go away retu rn down the re onc e
more se e my husband in my fathe r s place ? O h
.
,
’
, ,
t he i ron y o f i t !
He re m a in e d s ile n t He was e v id e n tly t rouble d
Wat ch in g h i m i t see m
. .
e d to me that h is fac e as
sum
,
e d an u nwonte d express ion o f dign i ty as ,
though t h e mere fact o f be i ng deeme d wo rthy to

o ccup y so i mporta n t a position had mad e h im -
fe e l in st i nctivel y that he pos sesse d p o we rs

In a mom ent m
, ,
h i th e rto unsusp e cte d .

y ga i et y
h ad fle d
T he N o o f t h e p re ce din g e ve ning c am e ba c k
to m y m
,
i n d and wi th i t a d i squiet in g se n se o f
,
u n ce rtain ty H e n ote d the s ilent in te rr ogat i on

y l o ok a nd se e med to feel that he m
.
o fm u st pose
fe i gn indiffe re nce The n m
,
y anxiet y in cre ased .
Th e same e ve nin g a lett e r c ame f r om m

.
y
T he I ro ny o f F o r tun e 28 7
sister in law confirming what sh e had said in her

- -
telegram an d referrin g to o ur return as t o some

,
thi ng al ready settled Among other th in gs she

.
“
said : Remember I wa rned yo u as long ago as
,
befo re Easter So he had bee n e xp e c t in g i t fo r

.
’7
,
who kn ows h o w lo n g !
,
Two day s later the fo rm al o ffe r arrived Th e .
terms were ve ry fair It meant assu red suppo rt ;

.
eas e in the course o f a few mon ths ; perhaps in ,
tim e a fo rtune
, .
I ou ght to have rejoice d with whate ve r prid e

still remained to me that he who had so often
, ,
arouse d compassion o n m y behalf woul d now ,
rise in the estimation o f others Al so I might have .

,
had satisfaction in the thought that afte r all i t , ,
was still to me and t o m y fathe r that he owe d

everyt hin g ; for it was papa who had sugge ste d
his name for the posit i on a nd he had mo reo ve r ,
left secu ri ty for himto t h e amou nt o f some

, ,
thousands of francs D i d he do thi s from a

.
feeling of compunctio n ? P erhaps i t was merely

i n ord er to establish some lin k with hi s suc cessor
so that he might n o t be e n t ir ely cut o f
f from all
com muni catio n with hi s o wn cr eat ion .
2 88 A Wo m
an at B ay
My who le n atur e ro se up as though co n fr o n te d

b y s o me f ri ghtful pe ril ,d ema nd in g free do m ,
the ri ght t o l ive Shutt in g m

.
y e y es a nd ears
to t h e reaso n s adv an ce d by others t o the ri ghts of
,
others t h e nee ds o f othe rs a s ingl e id ea posses se d

me So then t h e road o f the future was be ing
, ,
.
,
b rutally closed to me I was be i ng le d back to the

.
desert and wi th me m
, y so n whom I had hope d
, ,
to sa ve from the i nfluences o f the n e ighb o ur ho od

where h e was bo rn We two bac k there aga in fo r
.
,
y ears ,
for o u r whole li v es perhaps
, ; o ur h a n d s
man acled our mouths silenced ; cast i nto the m idst

o f a populatio n o f m i se rabl e and ini m
,
ical wo rking
people .
2
though suddenl y se ize d by a vi o l e n t lo ve o f all

that wh ir li ng life whi ch he was abo ut t o l e ave
I n the evening the ar t ist cam
.
e to se e us j ust b ac k ,
fr om the coun t ry The c o n ve rsat i o n was di s

.
“
jo in t ed and the qu e stion : B ut wh y ar e y o u
, ,
go ing ? seem e d t o re cur like t h e b urd e n o f a so n g

!
.
She ap pe are d t o be we ighe d d o wn by an ove r

p o we rin g sen s e of mela n chol y ; talk e d o f t h e t im e
whe n she woul d again be left alm ost e n tir e ly alone ;
c o ul d n ot appare n tly be ar t o thi nk o f m
, , y be in g
so far away from he r My hu sb and gaze d at h e r
.
li ke one f asc in at e d .
—
On e n ight he had se ttl e d t o l e a ve on t h e
foll owin g day—I wo ke up t o find himsi ghi n g
to ssin g ab o ut m
,
utterin g o n e wo rd indi st in ctly

, , .
I li t the c an dl e ; he was feve ri sh He re fuse d t o

have any thin g do n e fo r h imhi di n g him
.
se lf und e r
n eath the co ve r s w i th a gestur e o f im

,
pat i e n ce .
A fter a whil e whe n he se e m e d t o ha ve gro wn q u i et ,
dr owsy pe rh aps I we n t b ac k t o be d in the dark .
P rese n tly I h e ar d himcall o ut fe v e rishly in hi s

, ,
sl e e p m y f ri e n d s n am e ’
.
,
P o or soul p o or so ul ! Was he st ruggl ing th is ,
un develope d bein g struggl in g wi th that fo r m

,
,
id
able force which he h ad n ever kn own n ever ,
S urr e n de r 1
eve n a c kn owle dge d— love ? Fo r how lon g ? Per

haps the tr uth had been reve al e d to hi mo nl y a
few d ay s before when he had deci ded to leave
, .
P erhaps he di d n ot a dmi t i t e ven y e t imagin ed ,
that he was fe e li n g badly was ill Was thi s hi s ,
pu ni shm
.
ent ?
T h e art i st was t h e first perhaps to realise , ,
what had happen e d an d i t m ay have b e e n in the

,
h o pe that m y husb and w o ul d hear it fr om me

that afte r h e r re turn fro mthe coun t ry sh e co n
, ,
fide d h e r se cre t t o me Sh e and the y o un g phy s i

o l o g i st whomI h ad met at the M n li er reception
.
we re in love wi th e ac h other ; but h e had st ill

t o pe rsuad e hi s par e n ts n ot an e as y m atte r and
o n e re qui rin g t im
‘
,
e To se ek h app in ess for hi mself

.
at the c o st o f hi s father s an d mother s un happ i

’ ’
n ess see me d t o hi mselfish .
My husband must have not i ced at last the close , ,
ne ss w ith whi ch in sp i te o f m yself I was watching

, ,
h im and have b ee n irri tated by it ; he felt that

,
he must kee p up hi s att i tude o f supe ri o rit y .
I fo r m
, y part felt that m
, y vanit y was wounded .
How explain t h e fa c t that I had ne ver subjugate d

th i s man wh o fo r te n y e a rs had inhal e d m y ve ry
atmo sphe r e while it ha d o nl y n e eded the silvery
,
laugh o f this pe rfect strange r to se t hi s whole

n ature in a turmoil ? An d an intense longin g to
kn ow took possession of me to know what the ,
essence o flo ve might be ; to kn ow whether he were

again t h e v ictimo fhis senses o r whether that pretty
creature had charme d h imby some subtle powe r
wh i ch I d id not possess Then a quest i o n soun ded
.
in m y hea rt as though from some remo te d i stance :

,
“
Am I made to be lo ved ? !
H e le ft and m
, y f ri e n d was m o re at e ase Fo r .
se ve r al d ay s we were almost co n tin uall y together ,
a del i ghtful c ompan i o n ship We wandere d about .
the streets throu gh the V ill a gardens across the

,
-
,
fi e l d s ; the c h il d al wa y s b e twee n us unconce rne d , ,
happ y al most at t imes Sh e ca rri e d h e r sketch

, , .
book und er her arm and mad e r ap id stu d ies o f

the figures o f nurs e m a id s mothe rs children
-
, , .
We p assed hours in her studio o n the Parioli ,
wh i ch by n ow h ad no secr ets fo r me I t was a

, , .
huge light room as pol i shed as a mi rr or ve ry

, ,
s im
,
ply fu rnishe d in whi te wood with l ig ht han gi ng s

and two big win dows look ing o ut ove r the c am
,
pagna up t h e vall ey o f t h e T i ber as far as So r at t e .
Adjo inin g the stu di o was a dark l i ttl e room co n

tain in g a b ed and a chai r n o th ing more A , .
2 94 A Wo m
an at B ay
up o n himthe fa c t that o nly by l o o k in g t he t ruth

squarely in t h e fa ce together co ul d we e ve r h o p e
t o ge t t h e full fla v o u r o ut o f e xi ste nc e su c h as
fat e ha d m ea n t us to e nj o y i t Le t himc o n fess .
i t recogn is e that o ur l iv es were d ive rse t hat o ur

, ,
u ni o n was a c hai n fo r hi m as well !

I trembled as I wr o te thu s Thi s ce rtainly was .
, ,
question i ng t h e S i by l .
H e replie d at once in t h e in solen t to ne I had

so long been familiar w i th deny ing e ve ryth in g
,
-
wi th the i s dotted— d en yi ng and acc usin g
’
.
I di d n o t take i t greatly to heart Th e t ruth .
possesse d m e at last I r ealised c o n fuse dly that

.
I wo ul d have soo n t o act without kn ow in g y e t

i n what m ann er A vo ice within m
,
. e re pe ate d
“
ince ssantly : Y o u ar e free fre e ! !
I saw clearly what was t o be m

,
y o ffice in t h e
c onjugal life ahea d o f me Th e m an wh o h ad
.
o nce implore d me t o l i ve woul d n o w mo re th a n
regard m
,
e ve r , e s o lel y as a mea n s o f gr at i fy i ng
his passions And whe n I c ons id e re d t he o nly

.
,
relation e xi sti ng b e twee n us I fe lt a gr o wing ,
c o n tempt for my se lf N o n o !
Fo r t wo thre e—d ay s I do n t re m em
.
,
— be r t h e
’
li fe go in g o n ab o ut m e f ro m
, ,
e did n o t dr ag m my
S urr e n de r 295
med i tat i o ns I had hardly an y work now to

.
, ,
do for the Re vi ew ; the man ager was lookin g fo r

some o n e to take m y place at the same tim ,e
“
exp ressing regre t at losi ng me It is so hard .
to fin d an y o n e wh o will re ad wo me n s b o o ks ’
impartially !
The ed it o r w ith h e r custo m
, ary co urte o us ,
abse n t m inde d air sa i d sh e had hop e d I m i ght

-
,
continue to c o llab o rate even down the re H a d .
I ever thought o f try ing m y hand at fict i on ?
My No rwe gi a n friend was laid up with an atta c k

o f rheumat i sm not apparentl y very seri ous I
, , , .
went to t h e stud i o e ve r y day an d sat with he r

fo r a few hou rs and eve ry day there came as
,
well he r fri end the professor The first time I saw .
t h e y oung man ben d ove r her I had the sweetest ,
se n se o f secu ri ty about their a ffection for o n e
a no the r B ut the d ark little room was too close

.
,
a nd whe n h e had persuaded her to let him carry

,
he r be d in t o the stud i o where the light fell upo n

,
he r I saw h i s face cloud ove r thou gh he st ill

,
de clare d i t coul d be but a quest ion of a few d ay s

In m
.
y thought s I was hastening the day o f m y

husband s retu rn : I mean t now to suggest t o him
’
a f rie ndl y separat io n I c o ul d l i ve o n wh at I

.
2 96 A Wo m
an at B ay
made togethe r with the sumstill allowed me by

,
my father The b o y could pursue his educatio n

.
w i th me a n d go to hi s fathe r for the v acat i ons .
Wh y should he n ot agree ? H e was at one o f

those psy chological crises wh ich cause u s to co m
mit o ursel ves to actions e n tirely oppose d to o ur
o rdin a ry im pulses ; e ve ry thing must appear t o him
n ow fro m an ent irely new standpo in t .
I was an xi ous however to take n o ri sks in

, ,
makin g t h e atte mpt Wh os e advice coul d I ask ?

.
T h e d ear o ld m amma was not back y e t from

L o mbardy a n d I coul d thi nk o f n o o n e else i n
,
whom to confide at that d ec i s i ve mome n t On e .
i mage there was howe ve r whic h ha d been fo rc in g

, ,
i tself upon me fo r som e time w i th i n creasi n g

pe r s i stency Was the r e not o n e who declared that
.
h e ha d d i scovere d t h e t ruth ? From him su r el y , ,
I woul d b e able to get gu i dan ce .
It was some weeks s i nce I had seen him ; I

wr ote hima note askin g him to come to se e me
about a matte r of i mpo rtance .
The ne xt e v ening he arr ive d while I was un

dressing the b o y He talked fo r a few moments
.
to his small friend who gazed at him o ut o f his

,
b i g c o n fidin g ey es an d then went o ff to be d

,
.
Th e man looke d at m e qu i etl y a nd the n began
to talk hi m self He said he cons idered it useless

.
to qu e st i o n the justic e o f t h e decision thus irr e

si st ibly reache d b y m y c o n sc ie nc e Was I ready
.
to face t h e co n se que n ces n o matte r what thes e

,
might be ? H e coul d o nly tell m e that e v e ryt hi n g
in l i fe eve n the m o ral p ro bl e m s whi c h o ur e go t i s m
e rect e d were n o th in g at bottombut— p ro blems

,
, , , .
Ve ry l i ttl e was n ee de d t o guide us thro ugh l i fe

Som
.
e day I woul d u n de r sta nd th i s b e tt e r ; m e an
whil e he l ike d m y s in ce ri ty an d l o gi c .
H e had ri se n a nd was walk in g about t h e ro o m ,
touchi n g the book s an d pho tographs I h ad got .
up t o o an d stoo d leanin g o n the tabl e in t h e

c am e cl o s e to m
, ,
m id dle o f t h e room ; h e e — he
was ve ry l i ttle t al l e r than I — a nd began t o speak
agai n in a low tone There ha d been dark hours
,
.
in his past as well ; h e had belie ved i n laws i n

,
p r ogr e ss ; h e h ad ju d ge d m
,
e n in t h e n am e o f On e ,
abso lut e u ne rrin g and had c o nde m ne d the m

, , .
The n a t e rri bl e s o rro w had befalle n the d eath , ,
s i multane o u sly o f both h is parents a nd h e ha d

, ,
re ali se d the n othi n g that is man a nd had bee n ,
filled fo r the first t i me wi th a to rme n t in g des i re

t o p r o j e c t h is gaze o ut b e y o nd human l i fe
, .
S urr e n de r 2
99
Year s an d y ears had gone by he had seve re d

eve ry tie tha t bound hi mt o hum
,
an ity an d a light , ,
y e s a li ght had broken upon hi s spi rit

, He
thought he could n ow explain the enigm
.
,
a o f o ur
essence the immo rt al essence Thi s kn owl edge
, .
would b rin g gr eat peace to the human race ; it

woul d be the n ome fo r the beneficial exercise of
the ind i vidual will throughout its earthl y passage .
He could not explai n any thin g to me y e t B efore .
long so o ner o r later I must con

m
,
t in u e to hope to have faith i n his pro i se s

, .
From the street below the elect ri c t r am emitted ,
eve ry now and then its long sibilant whistle

, , ,
prod ucin g the same e ffect upon me as the sound o f

the win d along the shore at n i ght during a sto rm
, , .
I felt my self a ctuall y e nveloped in a coolin g at

mo sph e r e which c alme d the se nses el imin ating
every im
,
pulse e ven towards an in d ivi dual life

, , ,
conjure d up d azzl in g vis i ons in whi c h the sight

gr ew dim
When I found my self al on e in m
.
y stu d y the ,
beam s from whose lamp seemed t o b ro o d wat ch

fully over t h e e nt ir e c i ty a se n se o f j o y took po s
,
sessio n o f me such as up to that mome n t I had

, ,
n e ve r befo re felt Wh at was it what was it ?

.
,
3 99 A Wo m
an at B ay
I did n ot wan t to kn o w j ust as I did n o t t ro ubl e

,
my self about the secret which th i s man sai d he

possessed B ut the o ld spi ri t rebellious o f an y
y oke wh i ch had c om e to m
.
,
, i strust t h e ve ry n ame
o f lo v e o ut of hatre d fo r i ts man ife stat i on s ,
now y ielded to the del i ght o f b e in g u nde rsto o d

felt —
-
b y another spiri t .
This inarticulate almost unacknowledge d hap

, ,
pin e ss last e d for se ve r al day s He came two or.
t h re e times again in the e vening : h e had aske d

,
me to cop y fo r him the manuscript o f a pamp hl et

he was about to publish ; some o ft h e pages al most ,
illegible by reason o f the notes an d e mend at i o n s

require d his e xplanat ions H e gave m
,
. e the s e 1
wi th a c alm dogmatism that b rushe d as ide e ve ry

fo rm o f objection whate ve r i t m ight be Th e
, .
pamph l et was a keen sat ire w i th which I coul d n ot

help agree in g an d i t fore shadowe d wi tho ut wholly
, ,
re ve al in g t h e d om inant idea o f the autho r t h e

, ,
secre t sy nthes i s cre ate d by h i s in tellect T h e

only thi ng which di sturbe d m
.
e was t h e st y le ,
whi ch w as i n v ol v e d often i llo gi cal Wh at t r oubled

, .
me more howe v er we re certai n phr ases which

, ,
he used somet i mes i n t al king to me ; ce rta i n

, ,
obscure exp r essions that carried me back to t h e

3 9 2 A Wo m
an at B ay
met wi th a de vot i on so fe rve n t in so free and

y o un g a spiri t befo re
I talke d about himt o t h e sick wom an in the
.
lo ng hou rs whi ch I still spen t at he r bedside .
Compl ic at i o n s had d e velope d an d the t r ouble had

r eache d the hea rt t h e p o o r heart whi ch wildly
beat in g an d m
, ,
o r e a nd m o r e swoll e n eve ry day
somet im
,
e s thr e at e ne d to stop fo reve r The d oc

a fo rm
.
t or e r in st r uc t o r o f he r fian c é h ad al
re a dy co n fid e d t o m
, ,
e t h e se ri o usn ess o f t h e case ;
h e was figh t in g h e sa id but h e h ad fears The
y o un g phy s i o lo gi st sm
, , .
il e d te nde rly as h e loo ke d

at t h e pat ie n t but n o w an d th e n he wo ul d di
,
r ect a t e rro r st ricke n gl ance at me She h e rse lf

- .
‘
d i d n o t suspe c t t he t ruth ; she w i she d to have n o

o n e wi th he r but her f ri e n d a nd m y se lf a nd t h e
w id o w who wo rk e d fo r he r She kept m

,
. ak in g
“
plan s fo r he r c o nval e sc e n ce an d re pe at ing So
tir eso m e so t ir eso m
,
,
e .
Then a t e rri ble crisis haste ne d t h e p ro gr ess o f

the dise ase a nd re d u ce d the pat ient to the last
stage o f e xhaust io n F o r two n ights I re m
,
. ain e d
at the be d s i d e watc h in g he r su ffer m

, y hand ,
c o nvul s ively gr asp e d in h e rs an d e ndu r ing t h e

ac ute m
,
ise ry o f be i n g utterl y powerle ss t o a rrest

S ur r e n de r 39 3
the my steri ous force which was beari ng her down .
F o r a few hours I thought t h e e nd was near .
I wrot e a couple of lines to m y husban d explaini n g

the necessity o f remain ing a day o r two lo nger .
O n the third eveni ng the act ion of the heart

became more normal a nd the danger d im in i shed .
The y ou ng man wh o had bee n watchin g w i th me

,
du ri ng all this terri ble time we n t to take a l i ttle

,
rest ; I did not feel tired and the sm ile t h e dea r

patie n t gave when sh e found I was goi ng to stay
with her d ispelled an y longing I m ay hav e felt
for the peace o f m y o wn little stud y and the qu i et

breath i ng o f m y b o y as he lay asleep u n d e r m y
eye . H ope bega n to re v ive .
A t d ay break I left the pat i e n t in the c are o f

the wi dow a nd sta rt e d t o walk home Wh e n I
.
ha d go n e a l i ttle way al o n g t h e dese rte d dim

, ly
l i ghte d street I su ddenly saw m
,
y hu sband
com
,
in g towards m e w i th b e n t hea d
. H e starte d
o n perce i v in g me a n d coul d find noth in g t o say ,
looki ng almost shame face d A m ix ture o f p i ty

-
.
an d sco rn assa ile d m e.
A fter I ha d re assu re d h im as t o o ur fri e nd s ’
c o ndit io n he began to frame ex cuses for hi s sudde n

jou rn ey I cut h i m short ; I coul d n ot e ndu r e t h e
.
0
3 4 A Wo m
an at B ay
i dea e ven o f an y a ffront to the clear soul ly in g

, ,
su fferin g up there .
O n reach ing home we stil l found nothi ng t o

say ; afte r a little while I returned to the sick r oom -
and i n t h e afternoon he arr i ved and aske d i f he

mi ght se e the pat i ent for a moment I watched .
him an d I then saw that what had possessed

him what had almost o ve rmastered his greed for
,
the co v ete d position had lost the sensual charm

,
which had fascin ated him He now saw nothing .
in her but a poor wasted creature ,
She spoke o f me to him— said I had been a

saint to her N o w go home fo r a little while
.
,
g o dear I am comfortable I shall rest awhile

, .
, .
Y o u will come back to mo rr o w morning won t

’
-
,
yo u ?
!
D ear girl ! I ha d to d o as sh e w i she d .
B ut betwee n m y husband and me the re hung

an oppress i ve silence It was onl y afte r suppe r
.
,
when the ch il d ha d been put to be d that we ,
spoke our m in ds I heate dl y he w i th some caution

‘
.
, ,
His aim was to justify h i s con duct while I hope d ,
that this m o ment m ight n ot be l o st might not ,
merel y be a perpetuation o f t h e falsehoo d an d

su staine d p e rhaps by t h e ne rvo u s e xci te m
,
so, e nt
3 6
9 A Wo m an at B ay
bega n by cross exam ini ng me w i th c oar se sar c asm

-
I let himtalk an d tal k hop ing that thus as o n

.
,
, ,
forme r o ccas i o ns he m i ght expe nd the r age that

,
fairly mad e h i m grind h i s t e eth On the co n t r a ry .
my lenient bearing o nl y made matte rs wo rse .
H i s anger seeme d to mount at the sou nd of his o wn

v oice ; he accused me i nsulted m y f ri end v om i ted
, ,
vile words and ended b y seizing hold of me throw

, ,
i ng me on m y knees a n d str i k in g me brutall y

wh ile I in a spasmof fu ry fought de sperately to
, ,
, ,
defend my self .
From the n ext room t h e ch ild awak e ned by , ,
the noise call e d o ut to me i n terro r I managed

, .
to free my self and ran to his bedside i n a so rt o f -
stupefact i on The chil d s little han ds tr avelled

.
’
over m y hot wet fa ce a n d his shaki n g v o i c e

murmure d : I d o n t wan t y o u to mam ma I
, ,
“ ’
, ,
don t wan t y o u to
’
Don t go back ’
i n there to papa stay he re com

.
e to b e d ; I d on t
’
, ,
wan t y o u t o c r y ! !
A h y e s I woul d obey t h e p i t i ful l i ttl e v o ice !

, .
This was n o t l i ke thos e ho rr ible n ights in the past ,
when the we aken in g sp irit accepte d without d e mur

e very affro n t that was o ffered i t co n sc i ous of n o
su m mo ns to l ive N o w my so n was p reparin g t o
,
.
S urr e n de r 3 9 7
d efe nd me he wan te d m, e fo r hi m self he felt that ,
I was good pure he e ven resented that unmerited

, ,
su ffe ring wh i ch fo r the fir st t i me he had become

, ,
aware o f .
The man threw hi mself on the sofa in the d i n i n g

room I took the bo y into the be d with m e and
o n ce m
.
,
ore I lay awa i ting the dawn .
When I got up the o ld serv ant questione d me

a n xiously What had sh e heard in her little room ?
.
She looke d at me wi th an expression o f i ntense

p i ty took hold of m
, y hands and k i ssed s o m e r e d
marks she found o n the wrists P erhaps sh e .
rememb e re d some o f he r o wn hou rs o f mise ry

He r ey es oft e n h ad t h e look o f d um
.
b rep roach
wh ich o n e se e s in tho se o f a n a ni mal wh ich h as
been m altreate d
I d o n t q u i t e re mem
.
’
be r t h e begi n nings o f a
fresh s ce ne wh ich to ok place at table that day
d u rin g t he m i d day m e al but I r eco llect finding
-
,
my self standing up clasp ing the bo y t ightly

to m y b reast wh il e m
,
y h usban d t r ie d to d r ag him
away fr om me o r d e rin g h i m t o come wi th h im;
,
they were go in g away to gethe r I coul d stay ,
behi n d alo n e wi th m
, y follies He had laughed .
whe n I r eopen e d t h e quest io n o f o ur se par at ion ;

I was free to stay i f I chos e an d to ea rn m y l i v i ng

in an y way I l ike d but the b o y wo ul d go w i th h im
, ,
o h where ver he m i ght go !

,
The l i ttl e o n e looke d at m e in a d aze d way Ah .

,
ch il d ch il d o f m ine !
, Woul d I die we re
h e t o tea r y o u from me ? My flesh m y l i fe m y ,
fa i th ; th at wa rm l i ttl e bu ndle shak i ng in m

,
y
a rm
,
s!
Wi th a t re me ndo u s e ffo rt I reje cte d t h e
comm an d o f m y co n s ci ence inexorabl y cle ar
, .
I d id n ot wa n t to die and in o rder t o l ive I

, , ,
mu st y ie l d Th e man q u i ckl y re al i s ing that I

.
,
was c o nq ue r e d lowere d h i s v o ic e abated the

, ,
torre n t o f o di ou s expre ssi ons P ossibly duri ng

.
,
the night h e had gone o ver the s i tuatio n and

,
had laid o ut a l i ne o f con duct for h im se lf had ,
see n t h e se n timental v apours i n wh i ch he had

bee n li ving fo r the past few mo nths sudde nly
v ani sh away felt hi mself untramm
, elle d re ad y ,
t o t r y t o wre st f r om l i fe thos e mate ri al b e n '
e fit s wh ic h al on e we re all sufficie n t fo r h i m
, ,
-
.
P e rhap s h e was su re b e fo rehand th at the

, ,
th re at t o take away t h e ch il d woul d be

e n ough to b rin g m e to r e as o n A t all e vents
.
h e gre w calm a nd pre se n tly was sm il in g at t h e

P R OB L E M S
H REE day s after m y husba n d ha d g o n e
I met m y p r ophe t frien d on t h e st re e t ;
!
t h e b o y was with me .I saw h i m c om i ng to ward s

u s th r ough t h e c r owd bu ri e d in thought a l i ttle
, , ,
b e n t ; an d the n sudde nly o n se e i n g u s h i s whole

, , ,
app e ara nce was tran sfo rme d by a r ad i an t

sm il e Was t h e sight o f us the n so joyo u s an
.
, ,
appari t i on ?
H e took m y so n by t h e ha nd an d b e ga n t o
questio n h imi n that te nder seri ous man ner wh ich
,
make s chil d re n s hear ts leap wi th happ in es s

’
,
a n d wh ich so few people kn ow h o w t o e mploy .
Agai n the sce n e o f a few e veni ngs before r ose up

in m y m i n d and a wave o f i ndignat i on kept m e
silent He had to i nte rrogate me at last and I

.
,
could d o n oth ing but allude to a latent j e alousy

in m y husband s dispositio n and t e ll h imthat
’
thencefo rward I woul d not b e able to re ce iv e h i m

at m y own hous e .He had gue ss e d t h e t ruth but ,
31 0
P r o bl e m s 3 1 1
on he aring i t spoken i n so many wo rd s he co ul d

n ot rest ra in a m o ve m
, ,
e n t o f sco rn The n I told .
h imthat I h ad g iven up t h e i dea o f be in g i nde

pende n t that in orde r n ot to be d ep rive d o f m y
I ha d dete rmine d to resum
, ,
so n, e the fals e and

contempt i ble l i fe I had been leading He tu rn ed
an d be n t up o n m
.
e a n in sc rutable half frate rn al ,

-
l o ok and d i d n ot utte r a s ingle wo rd Without

a ctually a dm
, .
i tt in g as much to my self I had a ,
sl ight se n sat i o n o f d isappo i ntme n t ; i t seeme d t o

me that a gesture o f pity co n tempt p o ss i bly o r
, , ,
e ve n a r ep r o o f w o uld have co n soled me more .
That evenin g afte r supper wh ile the b o y was

, ,
play in g o n t h e flo or by the sto ve I had a vi olent ,
ne rv ous attack I was s i tting at m

.
y desk when I
sudde nly fo u nd my self holdi n g m y head with
both han d s shak in g w i th sobs m
, y face wet with
,
tears Th e ch il d stoo d for a moment tran sfixe d ;

.
c e rtainly h e n eve r remembered to have seen me

thus weeping violentl y when I was alon e w i th him
I n v ain h e claspe d m
.
e about the kn ees caresse d ,
my face repeate d all his little childish phrases

,
o f lo ve in ord e r to qu i et me
, A t len gth he took
.
up the pen l y in g o n the d esk and tried to push
Mam ma mamma
, ,
it b e twe e n m y ine rt fin ge r s : , ,
3 1 2 A Wo m
an at B ay
he sa id d o n t cry ; wri te m
’
am ma writ e
se e I am
, , ,
, go o d d on t cr y ! ,
’ !
Ah t h e pathet i c droop o f t he li ttle flo we r like

, ,
-
m o uth the precoc i ous i n tentness o f the tearful

,
gaze he fixed upon me ! He actuall y share d m y

su ffe rin g w i th all the stre n gt h o f h i s lov in g l i ttle
hea rt An d I c oul d do nothi n g but acce pt t h e
sacrifice I hi s mother who had dream
.
e d fo r
hi mnoth in g but happin ess t ri um

.
, ,
phs ! ,
Wri te ? T h e dear little soul un dersto o d e ve n

that t h e n ecessity then c efo rward for m e to b ury
my se lf m
, , ,
o re tha n e v e r in work and dr eams He .
was n o t j e al o us m y so n h e thought o f m
, , y wel
fare ; o f t h e nee d s obscu re to him o f m, y com ,
ple x n atu re ; he did not suppose that h e alo ne , ,
was ent i rely to fill m y l ife .
B ut h o w c oul d I take up t h e pen whi c h th os e

little p in k fin ge rs we r e h ol din g o ut to me ? What
was the re fo r me t o w ri te about ? My d eso
lat i on was re fle cte d in all m y ide as m y ve ry ,
dreams we re in co n s iste n t fil le d w i th c o n t r asts , ,
b i tte rly iro nic al .
My tho ughts natu r all y fle w to m y f ri en d He .
had n o t been able to adv i se me What was I to

him ? He re gar d e d e ve r y o n e my self in clu d e d , ,
31 4 A wo man at B ay
I desp ise d m y o wn weakness I felt that I was a

I was su ffe rin g a im
.
coward . lessly hope ,
l e ssl y uselessly as far as both my self a nd m

, , y
c h il d we re co n ce rn e d ; an d I y earn ed afte r hap
pin e ss as much as h e di d w i th all the spo n
t an e i t y o f h i s six y ea rs ; a nd I p i ctu r e d all t h e
m i se ry he w oul d e n dure when he should kn ow

him self t o h a ve bee n t h e p rice o f h is m o the r s ’
i gn omin y .
Then o n a su dd e n a n e w que sti o n pre se n te d

, ,
“
i tself : Supp o se he h ad tol d y o u to res i st ! Sup
pose he had asked y o u to lea ve y our so n had
p r opose d to y o u to follow him to help h im to
,
, ,
seek to in t r o d u c e in t o hi s life the ha rmo ny y o u
requ ire ? !
He ! H a d thi s be in g possesse d me t o that e x

tent ? Was h e then something othe r t o m
, , e tha n
a gu id e an example a comfo rter ?
Then anothe r qu e sti on flashed in to m y m

, ,
ind
D i d y o u lo v e hi m? !
An d again : Wo ul d yo u ha ve l e ft e ve ryth in g
“
fo r hi m ? !
I saw hi mg
a a in as I h ad se e nmthat d y
hi a
m in the m
,
h app y t o c ome suddenl y upo n e i d st

o f all that u n kn o wn cr o wd .
Pr o bl e m s 31 5
Had n o ve r care d for him? H a d he ne ve r

o ne e
bee n abl e t o lean upon t h e bos o m o f a woma n
wh o und e rst o o d hi m wh o woul d sa ve himfro m ,
t h e t e rri fy in g shad ows o f the u nkn own ?
Si ste r he had c all e d m

, e but a sis
t e r can do nothi n g He must have kn own other s
an d n one had been able to sho w hi mt h e road
.
t o happin ess ; wh ile he was d ete rm in e d t o pre ach

re nunc i at io n t o the world t o pe rsu ade m an ,
ki nd that that ro a d d oe s n ot e xi st upo n t h e

e a rth .
Slowly t h e repl i es c ame o n e aft e r t h e o the r

Y e s had he c alled m
.
,
e a few d ay s b e fo re w he n
I beli eved i n hi m I woul d have fo ll o we d h im;

, ,
yes f
, or hi m I woul d perhaps ha ve bee n abl e to
, ,
l ive wi thout m y so n In so b ri ef a spa ce thi s

.
gr eat change had taken plac e in me A fe w .
mo n ths befo re whe n I w as afra id m

, y c h il d
was go in g to di e n ot a s in gle figu r e rose up b e fo re
my mi nd to suggest that there was so me o n e
,
who m I m i ght still l ive for

Yet it was n o t lo v e that I felt fo r thi s m
.
an ; i t
coul d n ot be love I wanted nothin g from himfo r

,
my self I was e v en conscious that an y d e di cat i o n

o f h im e woul d ha v e l o we r e d him
.
se lf t o m in m y
est im at i o n I c o ul d n o t im. ag ine my se lf happy

u nder h i s ki sses
B ut to kn eel before hi mwo rshi p that m
.
y ste ri ou s
soul o f hi s serv e h imfreely gi ve himm
,
, y talents , ,
my pen my life thi s might have been h ad h e

w i shed i t An d m y so n sho uld have felt him
, ,
. se lf
in n o se n s e de fr au de d .
Su ddenl y at t h e e n d o f a wee k the pat i e nt gre w

wo r se again Thi s t im e he r fian c é said nothin g
to me but he looke d at me as though im
.
, plo ri ng
-
h e fr om m e — some wor d o f comfo r t I un de r
stood hi s belo ved was lost lost F ro mo n e
.
,
m
mo en t to another t o mo rrow in a few days
, , .
at most he r poor he art wo uld c e ase i t s m

, ,
, ad
h e at in g fo r e v e r
, .
Wh y the n prolo n g that hop e less st ruggle why

, , ,
t h e car e the reme di e s mean t n o t o nl y to re l i e ve

, ,
but t o cu re the di se ase ? ,
Ah i t is be cause men c an not b r in g them se l ves

,
reall y to believe in sc i en ce when it pro n ou n ces

sentence o f death o n a body st ill palp i tat in g wi th
l i fe They ar e more ready to belie v e in a m iracle ,
in some un explain e d in te rve n t i o n Th ey hope .
to the v ery e n d .
to me in te rm inable y e t i t must on the contra ry

, , ,
have be en quite short .
O n e morn in g when I was s i tt i ng i n the si c k

,
r oom the s e rv ant brought me a note from m

, y
husband ; i t was addre ss e d t o the b o y and refe rr ed
to me in te rms that we re almo st insult i ng All .
h i s lette rs n o w we re ha rsh and disagreeabl e

, , ,
usually conta in ing some sarcastic allus i on to

“
t h e p ro phet ; he neve r aske d n ow fo r news o f
!
, ,
t h e pat i e n t
T h e latt e r saw m
.
e c ha n ge c o l o u r as I r ea d .
I s i t fro m y o ur husband ? The n w i th a !
p ro u d m o ve m
,
e n t o f the head that I h ad o f t e n
s e e n whe n sh e was i n health sh e sa id , ,
“
A t all co sts n eve r go d o wn the re aga in .
I kisse d he r te nderl y in si len c e

I f they we re t o take y ou r ch il d away fr om
.
,
y o u ? sh e q u e st i o ne d alm o st in a wh i sp e r and
!
e in te ntl y as though sh e we r e im
,
r egarde d m
,
po s
in g a co m mand
,
Th e d o c t o r h ad t o l d m
.
e I had be tte r li e d own
for a fe w h o urs and the n go wi th the b o y fo r

a wal k in t h e sun so as t o be re ady fo r an o the r
,
ni ght o f wat chi n g

On re ac hin g hom e I too k m y child in m y ar m
.
,
s
P r o bl e m s 3 9
1
and held hi m there a long time I d id n o t r est . .
I could not Going o ut w i th him I took the tram

.
,
car for St Peter s ; I wanted t o se e m

.
’
y old f ri en d
who had just got back The p i azza was nearly .
empty the cu rving line o f statues su rmounting

,
the colonnad e seeme d almost al i ve in the l i mp id

atmosphere the b rooding s ilence We walked
, .
in the direction o f the B orgo Santo Sp iri to ,
ski rt in g t h e wall of the hospital F r om a cros s .
the street ragge d women and chi ldren broke o ff

their gossip and thei r games to star e at m e an d
hold out their han d s recognising a stranger Rows

, .
o f mould y rags hung alon g the walls stirred by ,
the breeze ; up the ascent to Saint O nofrio more ,
rags more sprawling children more grated hos

, ,
pital windows A gr oup o f school g i rls ae com -
b y two o r three nuns we re c o m

.
,
p a n i e d in g d own the ,
steep street A t the top o n t h e summ i t o f t h e

.
,
Janiculum we paused a little out o f breath

, ,
.
Gari bald i an ideal i sed conception stand i ng o ut

, ,
again st t h e blue was calml y co n templat in g t h e

,
huge dome away to the left

, .
The glitte r of the compact mas s o f h ouses ,
towers trees sprea d before m

, , y e y es nearly ,
bl inde d me B ey o nd a tu r quo ise l in e o f

.
,
mounta in s we re pencill ed against the sky an d o n ,
the i r slopes whi te castle walls sent o ut sparks

o f light ; between the mou n ta in s and the c ity t h e ,
—
Campagn a immensity
Rome ! Perhaps eve ry day the re o n t h e sum
.
, ,
mit o f the hi lls some spi rit feels a t ide o f all

,
powerful energy surge up withi n i t ; sees clearly ,
indicate d in that marvellous p ile o f stone be ,
longi ng to so many di fferent pe ri o ds y e t all equall y ,
luminous si gnificant the work that must be

, ,
accomplished Eve ry day perhaps some soul

.
, ,
h as a v ision o f a Rome from which in t i me e ve ry , ,
wrong an d e ve r y injustice shall ha ve disappeare d ,
i n which the harmonious lines o f earth an d sky

shall no lon ger be broken by the turbule n ce o f
men st r a ngers to o n e anothe r m i su n de rstan ding
, , ,
host ile
My b o y enchan te d to have m
.
, e al l to h i mself ,
talke d and talke d He pointe d to the trees al i ve

.
,
wi th twitterings and stretched o ut hi s little

,
“
a rm s as he had often see n me d o toward s th i s ,
“
or that spot o n the horizo n say i ng : Look , ,
mamma look se e what pretty clou d s there ar e

, ,
o v e r the pine gr o v es ! And the re the re what

-
, ,
p lace i s that ?
!
a c t o f g ivin g her some medicin e ; her l ips partly

“
o p e n e d the word s Th ank y o u half uttered !
, .
“
Tha nk y o u ! She d i d n ot realise poor soul
!
, ,
t h e p rofo un d patho s o f those d y i ng wo r ds o f hers .
I c ould n ot regr et hav in g been too late havin g ,
left h e r fre e to die in her lover s a rm s

’
.
U psta ir s I found he r alre ady la id o ut upon the

be d ; but i t was no lo nge r sh e Some n e i ghbou rs .
and o n e o r two o f o ur colleagues had come in ;

soo n o n e vi sitor after another arri ve d I c oul d .
n ot bear to stay in the studio and too k refuge

in the l ittle be droom He re I was prese ntly
j o ine d by t h e y oung m I forgot m
.
an y o wn
y ha n d to him
.
sorrow s ilently stretch in g o ut m

Yes he coul d give vent to hi s m i se ry befo re m
.
,
, e ;
we t wo o nl y had loved he r An d we alo ne

, , .
, ,
wat che d bes i d e her for t h e t wo ensu in g ni ghts ,
talk in g togethe r about her o f what sh e ha d bee n

,
to us The beautiful flushe d face ha d tu rn e d t o

.
,
i vo ry ly in g frame d in the fading gold o f he r ha ir

, .
From hour to hou r i t chan ge d gr ew ri gi d shad o wy , , .
Ended en d e d !
I thought o f hi mo f the m
,
,an wh o b e l i e ve d t h at
h e h ad s o l v ed the M y ste ry ; wh y did h e n ot re ve al

it t o m e at thi s hou r ? Wh y ab o ve all kn o win g , ,
P ro bl e m s 2
3 3
that m y friend was doomed had he not brou ght ,
to her the word of enlightenment ?

A h confro nted b y the end h o w every hope o f
, ,
trusting in of o vercoming the unkn own dies

, ,
away ! Ho w we realise that the human kin d

is un fit t e d fo r the task ; fate d to jou rney thr ough
the earth without even understanding the reason
o f that jou rn e y ! B ut at the same t im
, e o ur in ne r ,
spi ri t then reaches its clearest understan din g o f

i ts own worth Life pausin g to gaze i n the face
.
,
o f Death , r e al ises the high heroism o f i ts own

d ete rm inat i on to ri se to pe rpetuate i t self in
,
th at oute r darkness An d the bein g o f t o day

.
-
h e a rs a v ague summo n s : perhaps i t i s t h e be in g

o f rem o te to m o rr ows calli ng to i t e n cour ag in g
-
, ,
i t to pe rs i st : t h at be in g in whom w ill be ra di an t
all which to day se ems obscure and wi th whom
-
,
a n ew epoch will be in augur ate d the ep o ch o f t h e ,
l i be rate d sp iri t .
The h ou rs passe d be side t h e li fe l ess fo rmo f o n e

we have lo ve d re veal n oth in g to us nor o n t h e , ,
othe r ha nd do they altogethe r p rostrate us n or

, ,
d ep ri ve us of a re al i sation o f t h e existence whi ch

co n t inues o n in ourselves We se em at such tim
. es
3 4
2 A Wo m an at B ay
to i nhe rit together with the d ut ies the qualities

, ,
o f the o n e who has go n e ; we find ou r selves the
riche r for energy o r imagin ation or love ; we feel

, ,
ou rse l ve s more at o n e wi th the li v in g as well as

with t h e d ead .
The consciousness o f havin g done all in m y

power to ease m y po o r f ri end s intense sufle r in g
’
gave me a ce rtain comfo rt and peace Her short .
and trouble d life ha d closed amid all that loving

care coul d gi v e an d dy i ng she had ca rried away
, , ,
w i th her the ce rta in ty of hav ing bee n un derstood ,
o f liv i ng o n in o ur grief
I su rp ri se d m
.
y self refle c t in g that in all p r oba ,
b ilit y I would be less fo rtu nate

, Down there .
,
worn o ut i n a few y e ars by the ar id life who woul d

‘
there be to close m y e y es after having smile d

in to them lovingly ? In m y last hour onl y m y
unconsc i ou s so n would st an d bes i de m
,
y bed .
Al one st ill alo n e !

I sa id s o m
,
ethin g o f thi s kind t o m y o ld f ri e nd ,
o r r athe r all ow e d he r to d ivi n e the thought o n

, ,
t h e m o rni n g o f the fu n e ral whe n sh e came to say
h e r farewell t o the be lo v e d sl e epe r alr e a dy em ,
be dd e d in flo we rs We we re stan d in g at t he
wi ndow separ ate d fo r a m
.
, ome n t fro m t he l o ng
I r ap idly moun t e d the d ark stairw ay o f the

d amp o ld buil din g .
-
I t w as gr owin g dark there was a c an dle l i ghte d
,
i n the room ; in o n e co rner I made o ut a low

bed almost a paill asse ; o n an earthenwar e sto v e
, ,
two apples were roasting in the embers ; a table ,
l i tte red with papers stood near the wi ndow an d

, ,
there were some chai rs p ile d with books ; o n t h e

w all hun g the po rtrait o f a ste rn featured woman -
— hi s mother ? A nd i n the m i ddle o f the roo m

stood a spare fi gure in an irresolute att i tude ,
w i th o n e armexten de d asking me t o sit d own , . .
Wh at did we say to each other ? I can t qu i te ’
r em e mber H e apolo g ised fo r the room bein g so

.
c o ld aske d after the child and about m

, y depa rture
, .
I watche d his mouth there was not a tremo r-

.
I po in te d to the drawer o f the table was hi s — ,
work there ? He mad e a vague gesture o f assent .
I d on t kn ow how but in some way I must have

’
More e ven than m

,
betray e d m y loss o f faith .

y , ,
word s broken as these were as though by m i se r y

, , ,
must t h e look in m y ey es ha v e told hi m o f the

wani ng o f m y ard our the b i tt e rn e s s o f m
, y spi ri t ,
liberat e d an ew .
In the silence that fo ll o we d I saw fo r t h e first ,

Pro bl e m s 32 7
t ime an d the last that face invariably illumined

, , ,
hi the rto as by a n inner vision cloud over chan g e

, , ,
expre ss the most hum

,
a n of all griefs the simple, ,
profoun d su ffering of o n e who fin ds himself

abandone d B ut it was o nl y fo r a moment
.
serenity retu rn ed to his brow like the in er adicable

,
stamp of some intangibl e sovereign ty .
Fo r two d ay s the little r ooms we r e o n ce more

littered with packin g cases ; boxes in which
-
togethe r with the books and furniture m

,
y dreams
,
an d ambitions lay bu rie d My husband in sisted

i n hi s letter s that he wanted to have me with him;
.
the poor departed was abjured He had a dawn

.
in g suspic i on o f her having been in love with the

y o ung scie n tist and this blow to hi s vanit y had
kill ed the l ast remn ant of his feel in g for her .
O nce more I had tried to wrest m y freedom

from him and all I ha d e ffecte d was to ri vet
,
the chain afre sh .

A N EW P H A SE
O R the first time I now felt ent i rely ce rtai n

that I was morally free A t Rome the re.
had al way s bee n u n derly in g sc ruples which

pre ve n te d me from asse r t ing m y i ndepe n den ce
my freedom from an y obl igation to h imto whom
,
the law hel d me bou n d I had bee n afr ai d lest

.
som e other feelin g m i ght e n te r in No w I was .
wholly r eassure d
O n the mo rn ing o f m
.
y arr iv al I had not i ce d

v ari ous l ittle attentions wh i ch had been paid by m y
husband when prepari ng the house for m y com in g .
On t h e wri t ing desk lay a p ile o f new books an d

-
magaz i nes a nd a half embarr asse d sm ile seeme d to

,
-
bet r ay h is anx i ety to wi n me back He appear e d

.
to b e u n der the in flue n ce o f a n o dd m ixture o f

c o n fl i cting se n t iments : an n o y ance at having
allowed h is we aknes s fo r m y fr i end to be seen ;
thus givin g me an e x cuse for r easserti n g t h e free
d om of m y o wn hea rt ; an d along w i th that a n
, ,
3 28
3 30 A Wo m
an at B ay
of no remedy Do some work ; star t a school ;

.
p ro vid e i nst ruct i on for t h e mothers who we r e allow

in g two thi rd s o f their chi ld ren to die ; circul ate
books ? alas I ha d n ot t h e energy to forc e an y
-
o f th e se thi n gs upon m y husban d s in gle han d e d -

,
a nd n o o n e no o n e coul d o r would help me

, , .
My sister s marriage marked the fir st cri sis o f

’
unhapp i ness i n m y n e w phas e o f existence

Durin g t h e past fe w m
.
o n th s I had been nu rs i ng
t h e i dea o f a possible rupture betwee n them ,
wh y I cann ot say D ist rust o f love ge n erally ?

!
.
,
Je al ousy at the sight o f others hap pin ess ? Or ’
was I fearful l e st sh e m i ght be d elu di ng herself as

I had d o n e — l e st sh e w as u nd e r the influence o f
some auto suggest i on ? The n i n the weeks pre
-
,
c e d ing t h e wed d i n g I saw t h e chil d pe rfectly

,
happ y eager fo r t h e fate sh e had fashi o n ed wi th

,
her o wn hand s I fo u nd he r in te n t upon finishing

.
he r t r ousse au ai d e d by m
, y y oun gest sister who ,
appeare d to b e as happ y about it all as sh e he rs e lf .
A nd I tho ught of mamma ; th i s probably was , ,
just t h e way sh e felt ; just so di d sh e co n fidin gly

comm i t he rse lf t o t he b e guileme n ts of pe re nni al
love .
On e e ve nin g the y we n t toge ther to t h e magi s

A N ew P h ase 3 3 1
trate s accompani ed o n ly by m
’
y b r othe r fo r the ,
bridegr oom avoide d all in ter course with m y

husban d and consequently with m
, e as well , .
Papa had persistently refused to give hi s con se nt

and would not allow hi s daughte r even the
smallest dowry When he saw the lo vely girl
.
who for so man y y ears had supplied the place

of a mother in his house about to quit it for ever ,
the child whose firmn ess and reserv e partook o f

his o wn character tears came in to his e y es I
, .
,
meanwhile l y in g in bed in the dark was c ry ing too

, , ,
at the thought of that irremediable step wh ich ,
even then sh e was tak in g ; at the fatal chain o f

,
e rr o rs whi ch was being forged in defia nce o f all

the ho rrible ex amples I thought that i t was .
thi s that made me c r y but down at the bottom , ,
o fm y hea rt i t was probabl y the wa il o f a lonel y

, , ,
woman the feeling o f desolat i on because fate was

,
separatin g me fro m that l i ttl e sister in the hou r

o f her su preme happ i n ess because i t was not for ,
me to tak e part in such a festivity be c ause m y ,
name had bee n stri cke n o ut o f the n umbe r of the

con fident eager lov ing ones o f the earth
, , .
Somethi ng new an d in desc ribable was takin g

place withi n me A secret com mot i on havi ng
.
,
n o ob vi ous c ause p o sse ssed m

, e c o n t i nu all y I .
felt t h e nee d o f ge n tle ness fo rbear a n ce ; there

,
were flashe s o f poetry colour so un d ; a l an gu o r

, ,
crept o ver me inv ading m

, y ent i re be i ng at t i mes ,
an d fill ing m e with dreams o f un irn agi n e d ecstasy .
When I was aroused I could n o t return at o nce

to a realisation o f the things about me I clasp e d .
t h e b o y to my breast w i th a so rt o f fr e nz y a nd
he showing no su rp ri se would y i eld h im
,
, , self
to me with all the ardou r o f hi s nature longin g
onl y to se e m
,
e smile Wh y did I thus confid e

my ills to that little creature demanding of h im ,
what he had n ot to gi v e ? Wh y did I passi onately

ask h i m to suppl y all t h e lo v e whic h was lack in g
in m y l i fe ? My mother m y s i sters othe r shades

, ,
o f men and women had passed close bes i de m

, e
and go ne the ir way s without e v e r kn ow in g me ,
without awakening what was deepest and t ruest

in m e .N o o n e ha d e v er in an y way cont ri bute d
to m y gr owth no o n e had e v er wept for o r w i th
,
me ; and fo r m, y o wn part I had ne v er done an y

,
m
thing for an y o n e I h ad never awak e n e d a
.
s ile ne ve r h e lpe d to wi n a vic tor y ne v er wi p e d

, ,
away a tear
And so m e t im
.
e s i t se e me d t o m e as th o ugh all
fe w mo n ths befo re ; a n d just as unlike my self

appeared that othe r o n e she who at some remote
, ,
pe r io d ha d allowed ign orant persons to attempt

,
to explai n to he r t h e essence o fhumanity Clearly .

,
i nexorably a nd fo r t h e first t ime i n the great

, ,
sp iri tual d ese rt whi ch st re t ched about m e t he ,
t rue secre t o f e x i ste n ce n ow re vealed i tself to me .
H a rmony nothin g else The pac ificat io n o f all

,
.
ki nd r ed fo rce s t h e se n ses and the re as o n hea rt

, ,
a nd sp iri t
In ste ad o fwh ich—e nte r t h e m
.
an in to t h e d ar k
, ,
ne s s o f t h e room ; t ire d o ut o f humou r ; h e stri kes

,
a l i gh t an d walks ab o ut indi ffe r en t wh e the r

,
I m ay be asl e e p o r n o He i s m y m ast e r I am
in h is powe r I bu ry m
.
,
.
y fa ce in t h e p ill ow ,
s i ck w i th disgu st m y whole n atu re in re v olt ,
h at ing h im loath in g m
,
, y self A s iniste r wo rd
flashes thr o ugh m y m ind : M adn e ss ! !
Th e m an sl e e p s h e av il y at m y s id e ; I lie awake
h o u r aft e r hou r l i ste nin g t o h i s b re ath in g wh ile ,
my b rain ke e ps upits incessant in vo l ve d workings ,
e th in g in t h e t o p o f m
,
an d so m y h e ad see m s to
dil at e t o b e re ady to bu rst
That i s m
,
y l i fe To be ac cou n te d a th in g so lely
.
o f t h e s e nse s to b e d e gr a d e d in the in n e rmo st

,
A N ew P hase 33 5
fibre o f m y be i n g and to see day su cc ee d in g

,
night the o n e after the other e ndl essly

, , .
The weeks an d months were in fact passin g by , , .
My fathe r ha d left the neighbou rho o d defin itely

an d had gone to M ilan tak in g the t wo yo un ge r ,
c h ildre n with him The newly marri e d pa ir had

.
settled near Venice No o n e belon gin g to me .
was left . A t Easte r we ha d taken p o ssess i on o f

th e house vacated by papa cheerful co nve n ient , , ,
and su rr ounded by a large garde n My poor .
father ! A little o f hi s o wn spiri t seeme d st ill to

linge r here In the gr een disorder o f t h e garden
the tri um
.
,
phant almo st w il d wealth an d v a ri ety o f

,
vegetation he had se t the stamp of hi s o wn indi

,
viduali t y that pa rt o f hi s nature whi ch he found

,
n o scope for elsewhere ; his love of beauty hi s ,
feel in g for origi nal i ty simpl i city t ruth H ow

often must he have hel d hi s sol i tary m
, , .
us in gs ,
a rr ogant in volve d as h e wal ked back an d forth

, ,
am i d that mute flowe ry assemblage ! F o r h im

, ,
too t ime had r olle d by an d had rust e d the

,
strong framewo rk o f bra in an d e ne rgy whi ch

had transformed a n e n t ir e population arous in g ,
i t from i ts ce nturies ol d i ne rt i a an d starting

-
,
it forth upo n a n ew road Alo n e wi tho ut a .

,
s i ngle fr i endly vo ice eithe r to agre e w i th hi s vi ews

o r to oppose them he ha d tried v ai nly to fin d
, , ,
in t h e cul t o f natu re those bless ings wh ich h e d id

n ot kn ow h o w t o e xtr a c t from t h e lo ve o f h is
k ind .
And now m y so n r e i gn e d happ il y in his gr and

fathe r s place Wi th h i s little grey linen tun i c
’
.
reac h i ng to the k n ees h i s r osy face a nd hi s blu e

ey es shi n in g frombeneath thick masses o f hair
, ,
with their gleams o f gol d he looke d l ik e a m ,ini a

ture Siegfr ie d as he burst w i th t h e sun in t o the , ,
r oom whe re I rea d o r d re am e d fo r t h e better ‘
par t o f t he day He was m .

y o n l y com p ani o n .
The re was n o o the r to balanc e the fre que n t

y husband s f am
,
un conge ni al soc i ety o f m il y ’

.
My mothe r in law ha d age d gr eatl y an d i t was

- -
hard t o be pat i ent u n d e r her repeate d irri t at in g ,
e xclamat i o n s o f wo nd e r o n each o f he r vi s i t s t o
the house the o rch ard the garden : Wh y i t

,
“
, ,
i s Paradi se Y o u l ive here l ike a qu e e n ! Ah

.
,
my son at last ! usti ce has bee n done !

,
!
A s fo r m y s i ste r in law who ha d gro wn

- -
,
e ve n mo re cross gr a in e d and so u r afte r the

-
doctor s d eath sh e must ha ve kn o wn o f

’
, ,
c our se that I was wre t che d and h a ve be e n

, ,
c onfide n ce in thi s fathe r who was alway s sulle n ,
alway s contradict in g h is mamma .
On ce rtain even ing s findi n g my self alo ne afte r

,
t h e b o y was put to be d I would bu ry my self in a

,
w i cke r chair i n the garde n The dark can op y o ve r.
head strewn wi th s ilent worlds drew m

, y atte n t i o n ,
magn etically ; but the my ste ry of the u n ive rse

had n o attraction fo r me then A human ago ny .
,
d efinite d ogging hel d me wholly ; the i ndescribabl e

, ,
b i tte rn es s o f m y lonel i ness a v ague drea d o f t h e ,
possibility o f dy ing soon there ami d al l tho se , ,
strange an d host ile people w i thou t leaving so ,
much as a t race o f m y spirit All that space in .
the hea vens and I chained bound beneath a

, , ,
p i tiless y oke in capable o f an y thing but these

,
slow flo win g tear s !

-
Arous in g my self I woul d go i n to t h e ro o m

,
where m y b o y lay sleep in g H o w plac i d h e was

how t rustful i n the n i ght whi ch his m
.
,
othe r foun d
so full o f ag i tat i o n ! O that he at least m ight , ,
be spare d m y o n e treasu re !
,
If I could but th in k
that he woul d alway s sm ile upo n l i fe as h e was
sm il i ng n o w i n h i s childish slumbers !
It seemed as though he we re ask i ng m y pard o n
i n hi s sleep I carri e d t h e l i ttl e h and to m
.
y l ips .
A N ew P h ase 3 39
O h I had nothi n g to forgi ve that l i ttle creature

,
who o n e day perhaps woul d say to me Poor

, , , ,
“
mamma y o u sacrifice d y ourself fo r my sake !

,
!
Rathe r di d a vague remo rse continuall y haunt m y

o wn conscience H o w was he to gr ow up b e
.
tween hi father and me In that house he was

s ?
,
the sole person who laughed spontaneousl y and ,
h o w rar e that was ! He had a feeling of gr eat r e

spect fo r the books he saw constantly in m y
hands and realised that there was an intellectual
,
life whi ch I alone of all those about h im r e pr e

, ,
sented B ut perhaps he was al read y aware o f

the t ricks fat e was play ing o n hi m To o oft en i t
.
happen ed t h at in some mome n t o f wil d revolt

,
I woul d vent m
,
y ove rwrought n erv es o n him ,
re q u irin g much more o f hi m than was n ecessary

keep in g himat hi s task o r forbidding himsome
,
pe rfectly legit im ate past ime To o ofte n I neg .
le c t e d hi mallow in g h i m to play the whol e day

,
long in t h e garden o r to run o ff b y himself to the

,
facto ry o r to l i e o n a rug pain ting the p ic tures

,
i n old pe riodic als un til he was tired o ut w ithout ,
pay in g an y at t e ntio n to hi s qu e st i ons There .
was lacki n g i n me the sustain ed interest o f the

re al e du c at o r the balan ce properl y to direct the
,
little y oung life I was un able wholly to abs o rb

, .
my self in the question o f his needs to forestall ,
them satisfy them S o met i mes real i si ng this

, .
, ,
I hate d m y self ; what a poor creatu re I was if ,
havin g o nce agree d to the sa crifice o f m y i n di

vidu ali t y I c ould not su cc e e d i n forgetting m
, y
self i n d e vo ting all m
, y energy t o that othe r
i ndi vid ual i ty wh i ch was growing up besi d e me !
That was h o w i t had bee n with m y mother an d
her children One day I took o ut a bu ndle o f
.
pape r s belo ng i n g to her whi ch m y little s i ste r h ad

g iven m e befo r e sh e we n t away m o nths e arl i e r .
I had n e ve r ha d the courage to look them through .
The y wer e l e tters fro m di ffe rent members o f h e r

family h ousehol d accounts scattered memo
, ,
r an da rough drafts o f letters w ri tten by herself

,
to h e r pare n t s he r s i ste rs he r husban d ; verse s

, ,
al so by he r self and wri tt en i n g irlhood r oman t ic

a nd se n t im
,
e nt al y e t breathing a n ote o f t r agic

s ince ri ty My mother s characte r as re ve al e d in
.
’
,
the se disjo in te d re co rds was much as I had ,
lab o ri o u sly re con st ru cte d i t by my o wn in tu i tions

in t h e d ay s o f her d ecay .
On e l e tte r h o wever fairl y t o o k m

, , y b re ath
away . It was d at e d at M ila n a nd wri tte n in ,
3 4 2 A Wo m
an at B ay
I ha d ne ve r susp e cted that m y mothe r ha d ,
fo r o n e mome n t reach e d such a pas s

, A t M ila n
my mind p recoc ious as i t was had never detected
.
, ,
t h e t ruth Had I o nl y bee n but a few y e ars olde r

.
a nd she st ill in t h e p o ssess i on o f all h e r fa c ult ies ,
with her nature deman ding its ri ghts i n opp o sit io n

to the fatal se duct i o n s of the sacrifice ! Could I
o nl y have su rprised her that n ight have had he r ,
ask me the quest i on : “

What must I do m y ,
child ? and ha v e an swered i n the n ame o f t h e

!
,
“
othe r s as well Go mamma go ! , , ,
!
Yes that i s what should have b e en m

, y a n swe r .
I shoul d the n ha ve tol d her t o o bey the d i ctat e s

, ,
o f he r o wn conscience and abo ve all els e t o

, , ,
respe c t her o wn d i gn ity ; to be fi rm to resist far , ,
away liv ing her o wn l i fe work i ng st ruggl in g ;

, , ,
remainin g apart from us We w ill app reciate t h e

.
mise ry thi s has cost y o u ; onl y spare us the sight

o f y our g r a d ual ru i n he r e of all the ago ny w hich
,
y o u kn ow to be in e vi table i f y o u s tay !
!
Alas ! we he r ch ildre n ha d no id e a that we

, ,
were allow ing he r to go mad If sh e h ad go n e .
away and papa had n ot allowe d us t o go t o he r

, ,
well w e would n e ve rtheless h a ve kn own that

, , ,
sh e was alive a n d afte r te n twe n ty y ears we , ,

A N e w P hase 43
woul d still have been able to reap ad v antages

f rom he r freed and tran qui ll i sed spirit .
Wh y i s i t that we so worship sacrifice in a

mother ? Whence have we drawn this inhuman
i dea o f mate rn al irn m o lat i o n ? From mother to
daughter in each succeedin g generatio n the web
, ,
o fse rv itude is woven a n ew . It is a hideous chain .
A t a ce rtain period o f our lives we all ha v e a real

i sat i o n o f what o ur parents have done for us and ,
wi th thi s the re comes a feeling of remo rs e at

n ot having ma de some more adequat e return for
the holocaust o f t h e beloved per son Then we .
bestow upo n ou r children that which we faile d

to gi ve ou r mothers de ny ing oursel ves i n tu rn
, ,
and furnishing a fresh example o f m o r t ific at i o n
an d self an n ihilat i on Suppose some day the

-
.
, ,
fatal chain we re to be broken and a mother should

fail to suppress the woman in herself and a so n ,
we re to behold i n he r an example o f dignity ?

Then i t would beg in to be understood that the
dut ies o f parents commen ce lo n g b e fo re thei r
childre n s birth ; that the ir re spo n s i b ility comes
’
befo r e pre ci sely at t h e tim e when life is most

,
ur gentl y egotistical and seductive . Whe n t wo

human b e in gs feel wi thin themsel ve s t h e humble
3 44 A Wo m
an at B ay
ce rt i tu de o f posse ss in g all the eleme n ts re qu i si te

to the creation of a new bein g stro n g complete
, , ,
worthy to l i ve ; from that momen t if there must,
be a debtor w ill it n ot be the chi ld ?

,
F or what we are for ou r anxiety to be stow upo n

,
them the gift o f a n obler a nd m o re beautiful life ,
o ur c h il d re n shoul d b e gr ateful to us ; not be c ause
afte r havin g blindl y sum mo ned them into be in g ,
o ut of n oth in gn ess we c e ase t o be ou rsel v es

, .
That ni ght I c o uld n o t sl ee p The p e rplex in g

.
problem o f co n sc i ence which I had caught a

glimpse o f fo r the fir st t im
,
e at Rome now pursue d ,
me w i th u nrelenting clea rn ess ; and fo r day s and

weeks m y sp iri t slowl y matur ed what I had se e n
o n t h at ni ght
I had fo rm
.
ul ate d m y rule ; i t woul d op e r ate

penetrate m
,
y fibre become an in stinct adapted

,
to me and then o n e day I woul d follow its dic

, , ,
tates as n aturally as the swallow follows the

sp rin g.
O utw ardl y I ha d grown cal mer A t ce rtai n

t im
.
es the i d ea so possessed me that I co n side r ed
it o nly in the abst r act and w i thout appl y ing i t to

my own c ase so clear and s impl e di d t h e t ruth
,
the ve rses o f the poets at all n oble thoughts It

,
was l i ke plu n gi ng into sunshine scaling subl im

.
, e
he i ghts o fi ce gatherin g i deal bloss o ms ; the r e were
,
mome n ts o f pe rfect j o y l ike those whi ch come

at t h e unexpected cares s o f t h e sp ring win ds ,
which make us tremble like the fresh y oung, ,
branches at the mere j o y o f livi n g I arri ved at

, .
the c onv i ction that genius i s ete rnal onl y whe n i ts

language bears u n falterin g test imon y to huma n
humble ness a nd di gni ty Epochs pass away .
,
dreams a nd ce rtaint i es fade o ur longings take ,
new fo rm s but uncha ngeable rema in s the powe r

,
to lo ve a n d su ffe r i n the earthl y creatu re un ,
changeable the faculty to lift ou rse lves h igh

enough to hear the voi ces o f o ur b ro the rs in sp aces
appare n tly d es e rt .
Th e autum n came The b reach be twee n m y

husban d and t h e workm
.
en w id ened just as i t
h ad widened a y ear before b e t we e n t h e workm
,
'
en
and m y father . Whil e the factory continue d to
y ield e xcelle n t p r ofits a good percentage o f wh i ch
,
came to t h e d i rector the wage s were kept down

,
and the rules were ve ry severe My sense o f .
just i ce rebell ed a nd a deep a n d growin g sense o f

,
A N ew P hase 34 7
shame possessed me at being there ine rt an d

, ,
helpless The workmen who passed o ur garden

.
gate in noisy groups as they we n t to an d from

,
the facto ry seeme d to me w i th the i r lou d

, , ,
impudent bursts of laughte r to be more wo rthy ,
o f respect than my self ; and shrinking now from , ,
g oing o ut i n the street the bi g g arden i n its

, ,
autumn al pomp beheld me wanderin g about i n

,
i t for hours like a shade M y mother ! Was

'
, .
I not goin g forward to meet her ? Was I not

already livin g a little the same so rt o f life as she ?
A feelin g o f illness a ge neral debility seized
,
hold of me : fo r a single instant the doubt flashed

through m y mind whether I m i ght n o t b e go i ng
ag ain to become a mother
The terro r wh i ch fil led me at th i s thought gave
me once mo re the measure o f m y m i sery .
O h I must fly fly !
, ,
I renewed a request wh i ch had already bee n

,
once refused that I might go an d spen d a fe w

,
weeks wi th m y b rother at Milan

B y the time m
.
y husband had at last g iv e n , ,
his conse n t the d read of an other confin eme n t

had vanishe d My husband too had guessed m
.
, y ,
secret misgiv i ng and for a few d ay s the te n s i o n

,
between us was almost unbear able We pa rte d .
without exchan gin g a wo rd he wea rin g a loo k ,
o f om in ous distrust .
Again the c i ty rece ive d m e thi s t im e t he ,
city of m y childhood W ithout attempt in g t o

.
search thr ough streets and g arde n s for the ch ild o f

fifteen y ears before I st ill found m
, y memo ries all
wr apped in a famil iar atmosphere ; the ave nu e s
filled w i th mist the squares wi th the i r irr egular
,
outlines the long li nes of lights at night along

,
the dese rte d Naviglio looke d to me just the same

,
as in the o ld day s Here I had recei ve d from m

.
y
fathe r m y v ery first i ntellectual impressions ,
here I had learn ed to respect almost to worshi p , ,
human energy E ver since ch ildhood I had been

.
hear in g va guely o fhow in c i ties man is constantly

, ,
and proudl y flinging a challenge in the face

o f nature fo r hi m l im i te d a nd in su ffic i ent
, In .
fact in circumscribin g to a certain degr ee h i s

, , ,
—
prison man feels himself w i thi n the walls o f a
,
—
city more free more powerful than whe n he is
,
beneath the in finite starry hea vens bes i de the se a

, , ,
o r am ong the mountains all indepe n dent of hi m ,

.
And th i s is what explains also the oste ntat i on o f , ,
“
pro gress in the great cen tres
!
.
the unfold i ng in he r o f a d esire to take some part ,
ho wever small in the mo vement and not ign o

,
r an t ly and uselessl y to allow l i fe to pass her b y .
Since comi ng to Milan she had le d a d reary life ,
bei ng left fa r too much to herself an d with

nothing to d o Papa spent most o f hi s time
.
travelling about and was unstable restless dis

, , ,
c o n tented My brother had found employ ment

.
i n a large i ndustrial establishm ent a n d hoped

before long to be abl e to provide for himself and
t hi s chil d as well He attende d the People s
.
’
College read a great de al and h ad a n umbe r

’
, ,
o f in te re st i ng frie nd s but he real i se d that h i s

,
“
si ste r was somewhat n eglecte d She ou ght to .
have some g irl compani o n ; what ca n I d o for her ?

Sh e liste n ed with he r big e y e s d ilate d ; a sweet
little slip of a mai d who swu ng from mo o d s
,
o f exaltatio n to those o f d epress i o n p rec i sel y

because sh e lacke d so m e settle d in te r est some
thi n g i nvigo r ating a nd at the same t im
,
, e ple asan t , .
Sh e drea d e d too lest she m i ght r ep rese n t the

, ,
ext reme p e n alty o f the mistake wh i ch ha d unite d

o ur parents m ight bear the impress o n her o wn
, ,
c haracter o f the ir hopeless disagreement She

, .
kept say ing If I only coul d se e more o f y o u !

,
!
A N e w P h ase 3 5 1
And she seeme d to be t ry in g to pe netrate in to

my soul to be specul ating about the future
,
.
With a min gling of j o y and te rr or I se t my self

to awaken in her the questionin g o f the S pirit the ,
t rue be g innin g o f that higher life for which

I felt my self i n part responsible Woul d victo ry .
crown the e ffo rts o f her and of m y brothe r ?

Together those two represented to me the man
,
an d the woman of to day standin g on the thresh -

,
old o f life with all its sadness and its hope While .
the one must tear asunder the shackles both o ut ,
ward and inward in order to conquer her o wn

,
personality the other had need to be conquered

,
hi mself to be looked in the face by he r as b y a

,
soul who knows and will s Would they both .

,
o f them find the bei ng s to share their liv es w i th

,
them to take part in all their joy s and all their

,
sorrows ? A t times I told my self that I woul d

count my self happ y in m y mi sfortunes i f before
I died I might meet with o n e pe r fect hum
,
, an
pair I thought o f the y oun g engaged c o uple I
.
had seen at Rome on the day o f m y f ri e n d s

’
death Yes some mi ght must—e xi st al ready

.
— ,
and quickl y bring y e t others to life about them .
Somet imes in fan cy I extracte d a so rt o fgr otesque

, ,
sat i sfa c t i o n out of t h e v e ry gloom o f the c o ndi t i o n s

under which I lived and through m , y head ran
words which as y e t the poets hav e ne v e r sun g
, , .
It was an interlude in m y life I felt ale rt

.
,
strong capable All I had been sto rin g up in m

, .
y
mind during the months o f solitud e I had passed
down there now leaped i n to luc i d shape W hat .
seemed almost like the exqu i site j o y of a creato r

took possession o f me as I reflected up o n those
i deal beings who should no more carry in their
v eins like me m
, y brothers and s i ste rs
, my ,
child blood which was continually at war with

,
i tself ; in who m a sin gle will should ma n ife st i tself

thr ou gh the example and the memo ry o f active ,
lo v ing parents and the prospect o f an e ver i n

,
c reasing oneness o f life .
In the future in the future ! Th e ce rtain ty o f

,
such a future had been takin g root in m e un c o n ,
sci o usly e v e r s i nce m y girlhoo d ; earl i e r perhaps

whe n t he u nhapp y atmosphe re o f m
, , ,
y home ,
where two hearts ha d cease d to be in sy mpathy

w ith each othe r ha d d riven m , e to passionate
investigat i ons How m .

y logi cal pos i tive mind
,
had pursued these across e ve ry obstacle ! A t

t im ma s o rt o f impe rsonal admirat io n woul d
T H E D E CI S I ON
Y husband m et m e at the stat io n ; h i s m an
ner seemed to me co n st r ained an d durin g

t h e walk home he occup i e d hi mself e xclus ive l y wi th
t h e c hild Arrive d at t h e ho use I was su rp ri se d

.
at t h e apprehe n s ive l o ok the se rv an t cast at me

but as m
,
y husban d s m o ther an d s i st e r were

’
present I force d m
,
, y self to assume t h e a i r o f
quiet courte sy w i th whi ch I i n vari ably tre ate d
them an d to bear m y pa rt in the littl e fe st ivi ty
whi ch the y ha d prepare d fo r t he so m
,
e wh at
re st ive and wea ry b o y

y husband m
.
O bse rving m o re att e n t ive l y I w as
am aze d to find hi mincre di bly age d ; h is fe ature s

were whi te a nd dr awn as though fro m s o m e
i nte rnal ha vo c I aske d m y self i f i t coul d be
“
t ru e that o nl y a few we e ks h ad e lap se d since we

parted ; y ears they n ow seeme d t o m e an d m o re
o ve r I felt as thou g h I neve r ha d belo n ge d t o h im

, , ,
, ,
so far away so st r a n ge did he now app e ar t o me

,
.
3 54
T h e D e cisio n 3 55
Whe n we we re alone he tol d m

an i nd i s
e of
position he ha d had during m y absence talking ,
rapidl y and incoherentl y It was the merest trifle

.
‘
he declared a return of an o ld trouble contracted

man y y ea rs befo re durin g hi s te rm of m
,
ilitary
se rv ice Somethi n g flashed in to m
.
y min d a ,
confused memo ry o fce rtain words I had once heard

—where ? In town ? Was it the woman doctor ? -
It was n othi n g he repeated nothi n g o f an y

, ,
co n se que n ce whate ver He had bee n obl i ged to

.
ke ep quiet fo r a few day s but n ow he was e n tir el y

well aga in The do c to r i t was t rue had ad vise d
.
, ,
re st but that was qu ite o ut o f t h e qu est io n

’
, .
Th e narr at i on h ad bee n interlard e d w i th o aths

t he usual a c compa nim
,
e n t o f all hi s compla ints .
I l iste ne d in s ilence feeli n g th at I had fa il e d t o

,
gr as p t he t rue mean in g o f what he was sayi n g .
Prese ntl y he got up put hi s a rms around me in

,
a he s i tat in g man ne r that was almost respectful

— somet ng ent i rel y new in hi m and sought m
hi — , y
lips ; in st in ctively I lowered m y hea d he pre sse d
'
h i s mouth to m y f o rehea d mu rmu rin g : Y o u are so

good so go o d I am not wo rthy o f y o u
, , .
He d rew me closer ; I coul d feel the ho t blood

coursing through his ve i ns A half
35 6 A Wo m
an at B ay
for gotte n phr ase the me m , o ry of a b i tte r sm ile I

had once seen o n the face o f the woman doctor -
,
agai n shot th r ough m y brain an d a savage ,
in dom i table i mp ul se o f self d efe nce se i ze d me -

.
A fter a n in stant he let me go a nd I shook as

though I h ad emerge d from a bath o f flame .
The next day the docto r calle d from a ne i gh

b o ur in g v ill age ; he spoke o f rest— care an d afte r , ,
regard ing m e amb i guousl y depa rte d Th e se r

, .
v an t t o o had a curi ous way of looki ng at me o r

r athe r o f lookin g away fromme of ave rt in g he r
, , , ,
, ,
e y es A t last sh e let o ut that he r m aste r had

spe n t se ve r al d ay s in town d u rin g m
.
y abse nce a nd
t h at o n retu rnin g ho me he h ad bee n t ake n ill
, , .
I h ad aske d n o quest io n s y e t sh e a dde d : Do n t

,
’
ask me t o t e ll y o u an y mo re
!
.
The re was n o nee d My im . ag in at i o n n o w
t r ace d u n a ide d the p i ctu re o f a man betaki ng

, ,
h imself in a mome n t o f ange r to some re so rt o f

v i c e I recogn i se d t he in volu n ta ry im pul se o f
shame th at ha d seize d hi min the p rese nce o f h is
.
relat ives h is d ete rm in atio n to keep t h e tr uth from

me his subterfuges And wh at was the re in i t
,
.
,
all to s urp ri se m e ? N oth ing I t was as thou gh .
a po r t r a i t whos e exe c ut i o n I had lo ng be e n watch

3 58 A Wo m
an at B ay
remark : So y o u are t ry ing to m ak e a sch o l ar
o f that unfo r tu n ate child as well !

!
Th e li ttle bo y now had hi s r e gu la r stu di e s

an d o ur t wo natures se emed to draw t o gethe r
i n a un i on e v en more in tim ate as hi s in telligenc e
awakened and his min d began t o stir and expan d
un d er the influence o fits fir st emotions Wh ile he .
,
seated at hi s little table worked at his lesso ns

, ,
I read o r wrote bes i de him inte rru ptin g my self

,
n o w and again to answer his questions Thus .
we passe d together moments of real s weetness an d

peace ; but when he had ru n o ff t o hi s play ,
an icy ch ill w<5uld creep ove r me .
I read at thi s time w i th q u i te e x t rao rdin a ry

pleasure Amiel s on r n al I n ti m
’
e Ph antom shape s
haunted m
.
y stu d y rose up amid the plants o f

,
the garden stalke d abroad i n the streets an d along

,
the seashore —m , y y o un g mothe r lea nin g o v e r

,
my s i ster s cradl e resigni ng herse lf helplessl y

’
,
t o her forlorn fat e ; t h e philosophe r ill bendin g , ,
abo v e his d e sk painfull y eluc id atin g hi s law

,
o f kin dl y pe ss imism all i nte rm in gled wi th t e a rs
and st i fled gr oan s ; a c elebrate d autho r t h e o b ,
j e ct o f m y y outhf ul enthus i asm whos e twe n t y
y e ar o ld so n had d i e d o n l y a sh o rt tim
,
-
e b e f o re ,
the vi ctimprobably o f his parents dissensions

, ,
’
.
B lood stained sy mbols these of the van ity of the

-
, ,
sacrifice, terrible examples of the pun i shment that

su rely overtakes eve ry conscience which commits
moral suicide Was n o t m y o wn o n e o f these
consc i ences ? The appeal o f m
.
y reason and o f m y
inmost conviction had not a vailed ; I had c o n
tin n ed t o belong t o a man whom I despise d and
wh o di d n ot l o ve me B efore the world I was
.
still pos in g as a contented wife in a manner ,
con d o n ing an i gnoble slave r y san ctify in g a ,
mo n st rous l i e fo r my son
,
— i n o rder not to run
the risk o f be ing deprived of m y son ! A nd now
I was co n templat in g that final act o f cowardice
the t e m
,
ptat i on to which so ma ny women have

succumbed I was th inkin g o f death as o f a release
I was ready fo r death to leave him
, .
— —
; I lacked
the courage— fo r life— to lose him .
A t times a wave o f unreaso n swept o ver me .
O nce afte r having endured the soc iety o f m

, y
husband s fam il y all even in g when I was left
’
,
alone facing the man whose attempts at r ec on

ciliation whos e ve ry way o f lookin g at m
,
, e were ,
a degradation I broke out in to some ir oni c al

re m
,
arks about h is everlasti n g complain t s o f t h e

i n dust ri al co n ditions and the attitud e o f the

workm en ; m y v oice r i sin g i n a sharp not e o f
,
i rritat i on ca rri ed far more meaning than m

, y
word s ; then su d de nl y a small voice broke in
, ,
“
unexpecte dl y Mamma an d a moment later
, ,
’
“
Mamma come here
,
! Sta rting up I wen t
!
towar ds the little r oom where he lay abe d in

the dark . H e saw m y figure in the doo rway
outl in e d aga in st the light an d called me aga in ,
thi s t ime in a mo r e sub due d tone Mam ma , .

!
Then feel in g me close to the bed he st retc he d

, ,
o u t his arms se ized me about the n e c k an d drew

, .
my head close to his o wn S ilently he passe d .
h i s han d o ver m y e y es m y cheeks ; I co ul d feel

,
the t r e m o ur o f hi s warm soft fin ge rs Wh at

, .
was i t that the d ear soul wanted ? Just to assu r e

hi m se lf that I was not c ry in g that papa ha d n o t ,
been making me cry I flung m y self across the

.
little bed stifling i n the covers the uncontrollable

,
sobs that shook me Ag ain came that o n e t r e m u
lous word Mamma and m

.
“
y fa ce was bathe d
in m
,
i n tears — m y o wn an d h i s y hea rt
“
I was implo ri ng his forgiveness My
0 m y so n f o rg iv e me ! I rema in e d with
!
so n
hima lo n g t im
, ,
e bowed s ilent awai tin g fo r the

, ,
3 62 A Wo m
an at B ay
an d the other relat i ves adv i ce which seeme d

,
to turn all spontane i ty of feeling in me to stone .
Is it alway s l i ke that i n l i fe ?
The next mo rn i n g afte r an inte rm in abl e ni ght
j ou rn ey I fou nd m
,
, y fathe r a nd an au n t wait i ng
fo r me beneath t h e smoke beg rim ed roo f o f
-
the stat io n They aske d m

. e ho w I did ; m y
fathe r complai ne d o f r a il road s in general an d m y ,
au n t reproache d h i m fo r not having k i sse d me .
How many an d many a y ear i t was s i n ce I ha d

last felt t h e p r essu re o f fathe rly arms ab o ut m y
n eck !
My unc l e ha d die d d u rin g t h e ni gh t
So o n e o f t h e be i ngs belongi n g t o m
.
, y p ast
ha d van i she d t h e sole perhaps wh o h ad st ill
, , ,
thought o f m e as o f a branch bel o n gi n g to t h e
old stem I was consc i ous o f a v oi d a nd s imul

.
,
t an e o usly o f a se n se o f f r ee d om Thus d o the n ew

gene r at i ons when they cut l o o se fro mt h e o ld
.
,
, ,
su ffe r an d—dream .
I stay e d at Tu rin fo r thre e d ay s Th e air all .
about m y u n cle s co rpse seeme d fa i rl y to palp i tate

’
wi th the eage r hopes o f the niece s a nd nephews

—t he —
d irect he irs an d o f the innumerable
thr ong o f mo re di stan t c o n ne c tio n s I t was a .
T h e D e ci sio n 3 63
relief to me whe n m y father drew me away fr om

this d ep ress i ng atmosphere and made me walk
wi th hi mthr ough the dear quiet streets o f his
-
,
native town H e talked r ather wearily it seemed

.
,
to me and both o f us afte r a momentary return

, ,
o f our ancie n t tende rn ess saw with no other

, ,
feelin g than o n e o f mild su rprise the impul se ,
die away We had got to be v e ry egotistical

.
b y now m , y fathe r and I Each o n e in tent upon

.
following his o wn tortuous path we gav e o n e ,
an other ne i the r c ounsel nor sym pathy nor c o ul d

we im
,
agine our se l ves at an y future pe ri od eithe r

o f em
,
an cipat i on o r d isaste r being o f t h e smallest

,
h elp t o e ac h o the r .O ur talk was limited to

such mutual in terests as y e t remai n e d to us o ut
o f o ur past and to the d i scussion o f such tast e s
,
an d opin i ons as we held in common

y father who commun icate d t o m
.
It was m e
the contents o f the will I was left tw enty five

.
-
thou san d francs whi le m y broth e r and si sters

recei ved o nly five th ousan d each Wh y ? .
My fir st sensation w as o n e o f revolt an in ,
st in c ti ve i mpulse to d ivi de m y share equall y

wi th the less favo ur e d ones an d m i n gled w i th
,
thi s was a feeling o f shame at the possessi on o f

6
3 4 A Wo m
an at B ay
money that had not been earn e d by m y o wn

han ds and whi ch gave me an advanta ge how
ever sm all over n o t alone m
,
, , y o wn relati ves ,
but all m y h uman brethren posse sse d solely

o f a pa ir o f a rms and an act ive b ra in N e ve r
.
t h e less when onc e thi s keen an d c omplex s e ns e

,
o f repugnan c e h ad pass e d , I co uld n o t but be

co n s ci ous o f the practi cal bea r in g o f t h e e v ent
o n t h e c i rcumstances o f m y o wn li fe .I was
now mater i ally independent fo r thi s fo rtun e
, ,
not , ce r ta in ly v ery large wo ul d n everthel e ss

, ,
suffice to pro vide fo r the b o y whi le I w as e arnin g

my o wn li vi n g .
A clause o f the wi ll stat e d that i t was n o t t o

go in t o e f fe ct fo r si x months
I wr ot e to m y husband t e llin g hi mo f the
.
c ir cum stanc es and an noun c ing m y i mm e diat e r e

t urn I felt that I was now in a posi ti on t o co n
fron t hi m wi th more assurance H e re after I
.
woul d b e able occa si onally t o tak e a holid ay ,
to travel so m e t in i e s
, to b uy boo ks fo r my self
an d the b o y wi thout bei n g obli ge d alway s t o
b e g for permi ssi on A b i zarre fancy suddenly
pres e nt e d i t self i n t h e m
.
i dst o f these vague plan s .
S o mewhere o n the pen insula I had a lo ve r Sup .

which I was in n o hu rry t o giv e A t last sh e .
c oul d refrain n o longer :

“
We ll w e ll so we are ri ch eh ? !
My h ead was resti ng o n the edge o f t h e m im

, , ,
ic
theatre I did n o t rai se i t Th e bo y in ten t
upon h i s play d id n o t h ear but in a m
.
, ,
, ome n t ,
the stri d e n t voi c e resum e d

“
An d o ur d arli n g chi ld h as an o the r fo rt un e
now as w e ll ! A h so me day I ho p e to se e hi m
t h e gre at m
,
an o f t h e pl ac e
!
.
Th e n t h e t wo d ear blue ey e s w e re rai se d t o

min e say in g plain ly :
Go o n m am ma do n t mind h e r I li ste n
,
“ ’
Y o u alo n e shall di re c t m
, , .
t o n o o n e but y o u .
y
Fo rward but that sam

y e s, e ni gh t t h e m an
cam y ro o ma nd I had an e n coun t e r wi th

,
e to m
hi m whi c h le ft m e on c e m o re p r ay in g fo r d e ath
Th e n e x t m
.
o rn i n g I said t o t h e chi l d in a lo w
to ne :
“
Do y kno w I mou ay di e but y o u ar e n o t
t o cr y y o u ar e o n ly to re m e m
, ,
ber !
D i e ! B ac k i n so me c e ll o f m y b r ain I se e m
.
,
ed
t o h ear a lo w c ho rus as i t w e r e h eavy o m

,
i
n ous ; an in d i stinc t mutte rin g b e co m
, , ,
in g gradu ally
T h e D e cisio n 6
3 7
cl earer ti ll o n e d a rtin g thought d e ta ch e d i tse lf

wi th sin ister i llum in ation : H e m
,
y husband he , , ,
to o m,
i ght ce ase to ex i st ! The be in gs all about
—
us d i ed It was li ke a b r eath a si gh ; then
.
they d i sapp e ar and all t h e o ther men an d women

,
walk ab o ut look y o u in the fa c e talk and

, , ,
never sp e ak o f tho se who have gon e I t i s .
just as though they had ne v er exi sted

That i s what m
.
i ght happen to me An d .
—my chi ld ? Whereas o n t h e other hand , ,
af ter I an d the b o y alone ! Thi nk o f

i t I walk about m
.
y house n o o n e there ! , I
go o ut in the garden o n the street The se a
, .
is there t h e d i stant lan dscape an d in all thi s

, ,
wi de world we are free ! My b o y an d I — free ! ,
It was a wak ing dream Whe n I was aro used .
b y the v oice o f the ch ild calling to the se rv ant ,
I trembled amaze d above all else to n ote how

,
little h o rro r I felt at having actually p i ctu re d

this th in g Then the garden g ate opene d and
.
my husban d came in It was mid day As he

.
-
.
approached I could fe el hi s ey es fixed upo n m e
and tu rned away m y hea d Thr oughout t h e .
meal I busied my self w ith the b o y but whe n ,
we we re left alone fo r a moment I tu rn e d ,

t o ward s hi m feel in g my featu res h ar d en as I

did so :
I s h all have to have a l o c k put on t he do o r

of my r oo m .
!
H e b r ought hi s fist d o wn o n t h e tabl e got ,
up a nd str o d e ab o ut t h e ro om the n thre w him,
s el f i nto a ch a ir tre mblin g w i th rage :

You m ay do w hat e v e r y o u ch o o se ! he
excl aim ed Pre se n tl y leap ing to hi s feet h e
we n t in t o t h e garden but re turn e d alm
.
, ,
, ost i m
medi ately pou rin g o ut a torrent o f vil e words
I lean e d down drew the ch ild closer to m
.
, y si de ,
and c on tinued mechanicall y to follow w i th m y

fin ger the l in e o f a bo o k we were re a din g t o
gether Prese n tl y in te rruptin g the flow o f o aths
, ,
I looked hi ms quar ely in the face an d said

.
“
There is but o n e r emedy the o n e I p rop o sed
,
a y e ar ago — separ ation ! He gr ew l i vi d I might .
go I might go h e said ; h e woul d have n o tro uble

, ,
i n findin g anothe r woma n t o take m y pl ac e !
! u i t e calml y I r e sume d :
“
So be i t but not where m
, y so n i s I will take
hi m with m e a n d we can stay with m
.
y fathe r
u n t il t h e law sh all ha ve adjusted the n e w status
o f af f airs .
What did he want ? What was the matte r

with papa ? Wh y di d he call o ut like th at ? Wh y
is h e alway s m aki n g y o u cr y mamma ? ,
!
I mu st go away m y s o n d o y o u
, und e rst an d ?
,
I must go away .
!
What ? !
What was I say ing ? He p re sse d
both han d s o n m y sho ul d ers w i th all t h e str e n gth
o f hi s agitated little bo dy .
“
Mamma mamm , a I shall go wi th y o u shall
, ,
I not ? Tell me tell me , I don t wan t .

’
to stay here with papa I don t want to leave y o u ,

’
.
I do n t want to mamma ! You will take

’
,
me t o o ? Say y o u will take me

, .
An d he fell upon m y bre ast in a p ass i o n o f gr ief

that pierced m y ve ry fl e sh ; gr ief wh ich was at once
manl y an d chil dl ike whi ch se e med to be an ex
,
pression of the m i se ry o f the whole worl d My son .

,
my son I draw y o u closer an d y e t close r ,
weeping with y o u despe r ately feel ing o ur two

, ,
nature s melt in to o n e as though I gather e d y o u

a g ain in to m y womb an d launched y o u fo rth a
second tim e in to the world i n a sp asm o f m i ngled
bli ss and su ffe rin g ; understand in g in that mo
me n t the sovereign intensity o f the t ie that binds
—
us e te rn all y .
T h e D e cisio n 371
I wrote to apprise my father then I once more ,
took up the v olume whose pages I had studied

with such agony o f mi nd during the previous
y ear at Rome Clear and unmistakable were
.
the articles o f the Code : I had no existence

except as a slave My master could d ishonour
.
me betray me : adultery and vice o n his part

,
woul d not loose m e from hi m C ruelty and .
thre ats ? B ut not o n e o f those othe r poor slaves

wh o had been i n a position to penetrate i n to the
secrets of o ur household would come forward
and testify in m y behalf The law ? It wei ghs
.
with sc rupulous exactitude eve ry clod o f earth ,
e ve ry gra in o f seed that changes han ds between

o n e ma n an d another but o f the human blood
, ,
which is dru n k drop by drop in the secrec y

, ,
o f the home t h e law takes no accou n t It will

!
.
,
not interv e ne short o f a catast rophe It m i ght .

,
perhaps pardon me were I to comm i t a c rime

, ,
“
but in noce n t it woul d ne ver say to me Go
, ,
take y ou r c hil d with y o u ; y o u are free The .
law is o n the side o f the stronger ; to h im it

gives as hi s ri ght m
, y mone y the fruit of m
, y ,
labour and my self ; and should I escape taking m

, y ,
chil d with m e it woul d ai d h i m to bring me back

, .
A pe ri o d ho rri ble tens i on e n sue d ; d ays

of
when n o t darin g y e t to face t h e sole solution

, ,
I was occup ied in slowly c o n centrat ing m y

forces— oh not in order to w i thstan d the fury
,
of m y keeper but so that I mi ght vanquish the

,
spasm o f maternal angu i sh wh ich se ize d me at

t h e agonising thought o f be i ng shut o ut from -
the entire sunshine o f m y life A t times I was

conscious of feeling n e i ther revolt nor res i gn ation ,
“
o nl y the iteration o f the words Y o u n e i ther ,
love n o r are lo ve d ; y o u ar e but two stranger s ;

“
the re i s one o nl y duty
, The n Y o u ha ve .
!
,
“
r e c ogni se d thi s duty An d aga in
!
Now o r ,
ne ve r more Th e v o ice was im

.
. plac abl e .
A t Rom e the y ear before t h e temp o rary r e

b e ll i on h ad bee n a m
, ,
e re in stin ct ive i mpulse

wh ich h ad su rprise d my s e lf B ut n o w after
thi s y e ar o f t o rment thi s pe ri od o f al m
.
,
, o st u n
re mitting reflect i on a nd after the glimpse I had

ha d o f the ab y ss i t had b e c o m e a comm
,
, and
whi ch either I must obey o r d ie Chance fat e — .
,
2
o r was i t the obs c ure lo gi c o f —

e ve nts ha d o r
d ain e d that at l as t I shoul d b e c o mpelled t o
sho w t h e man whose slave I was the loathin g
I had of his embraces A fter ten y ea rs ! Mise ry !
.
to smo o th m y temples whe r e gr ey hair s were

already beginning t o appear Th e c r y o f m
.
y
blood t ri umphed fo r a moment Thi s c reatur e .
was m y v e ry o wn and I wante d i t abo ve all

else I wante d m
.
y ch ild s ki sses e v e n at the
’
cost o f his and o f m y own sal v ation I could .
—
n ot I could not endure the thought that he
would grow and develop and m y e y es ne v er
c omfort themsel v es with the sight of his flower
ing ; that his childhood his y outh would sm ile
,
upon others but never perhaps up on me ! On e

, ,
day I asked him if rather than remain with his

,
fathe r he woul d go away to school I had m

, y.
self never fancied the i dea o f such restraint fo r

the little creature but when a choice h as to be
T h e poor l i ttl e m
, ,
ma de . an n o d ded
asse n t .
O ften i n t h e c ou rse o f t h e day I wo uld se e

him gr ow pal e at the sound o f m y v oice and he ,
would ask : “
Wh at did gr andpa wri te to y o u ?
W ill papa let me go to M ilan wi th y o u ? He !
,
too be gan to hav e secret doubts y e t i f h e saw

, , ,
me down hearte d after some fresh dispute wi th his

father o r came suddenl y upon me s i ttin g gazing
,
T h e D e cisio n 375
of
f into v acancy instantl y forgetting his , o wn
griefs he would essay to cheer and encourage

,
me telling me how much he loved me how I

, ,
would alway s be the only person in t h e world fo r

him alway s
,
“
You will alway s remember me w ill y o u ? ,
I f I sho ul d die if I ha d to lea ve y o u ?

,
!
Yes .
H i s soul was in that tearful answer : Yes

but he made n o e ffo rt to search through t h e
my ste ri ous lab y rin th for the meanin g of o ur
drama He s im ply made a promise to himse lf
.
whi ch bur ie d deep now woul d o n e day ri se

, .
,
again an d enlighten h im .
How long a t ime passe d i n these alternat i on s

of surrende r and resolve ? Two weeks it m ay ,
be Meanwhile som e thing had leake d o ut in

.
,
the vill age ; I guessed that m y rebellion was

attributed t o the state o f m y husband s health
’
which indeed was kn o wn an d commented upon

, , .
“
O ne day his mother came to me i n tears My .
“
poor girl sh e said ,don t y o u know that ,
’
eve r so many others are i n precisely y ou r sit

uat i o n ? There is so and so and so and so - -
,
- -
Then came m y siste r in law O h ye s I know - -

.
, , ,
it i s deb il i ty It happened when he was in the

.
army And o ne evenin g when her brother was

in one o f hi s parox y sms she se iz ed hi s arm ex
-
cla im in g : D o y o u want to comprom i se y our

self ? Don t y o u kn ow thi s is exactly what sh e
’
i s hoping for ? !
Hours o f d i scuss i on ; in con sequent e xasper ,
at in g They wore me out I would have l iked

. .
to sob my self to sleep submiss i ve like a ch ild ;

, ,
to close m y e y es forever O nl y some rese rv e

.
force enabled me to go on res i stin g I asked .
to be all owed to l e ave to go to consult with ,
my father to seek a little rest Apart both

, .
,
o f us perhaps might se e thi n gs fro m a new

, ,
standpoin t .
B ut they all wi th o n e a c cor d refu se d r e

!
fu sed refused From t im

, , ,
e to t im e t h e example
y father w as thr own in m y face m
.
,
o fm y mother s
’
misfo rtune m , y o wn lack o f religi o n all the ,
weari some tattle of the p ast

Perhaps I fri ghtene d them som et im
.
es as I
had done i n those far away day s whi ch m

,
y hus
-
band n ow cited wi th such b i tt e r malignity .
There were occasions at last when I su rp ri sed

a vague l o ok o f wonder in hi s ey es a l o ok al most ,
i ng awh ile m y husband began t o roll hi s e y es

,
about an d to emit smothered moans I went

close to h imand shook h im
.
; he looke d at me
wil dl y Was he really o ut o f his head for the
.
moment ? O r was he onl y pretending ? I forced

h im to swallow some liquid and he slowly r e ,
“
tu rn ed to h imself He thanked me : Don t
.
’
leave me don t leave me ! See I love y o u so !

,
’
And h e hel d me by the kn ees He went o n ut .
te rin g e n treat i es as though he were half delir

i ous I trie d to calm h im speakin g quietly ; then
.
,
h e atte mpte d to d raw me to h im mu rmuring ,
broken phr ases .
—
How shut up with i n my self I felt how e s
t r an ge d ! An d how vile th i s man v ile and delude d ,
in his man s stren gth ! He wante d to hol d me

’
back by the force o f hi s passions !

“
I remaine d perfectly rigid I shall leave to .
ni ght I said
.
!
.
A ga in master o f himself wi thout allowing his ,
mo rt ificat io n to appear he nodde d assent Yes , .

,
h e woul d let m e go but not the ch ild ; the child

,
should re main with him and I when once I , ,
got away woul d re alise that I could n o t live

,
w itho ut m y fam i l y B y the t im e I was r e a d y

.
to come back we woul d have a rr anged the new

,
order o f thin gs .
He went into hi s room I did not sleep . .
Seated at the bedside o f the child unconscious ,
o f everyt hin g I could not even think I was

, .
waitin g for I don t kn ow what— the light pe r

,
’
haps o r warmth — some b o dil y sensation whi ch

, ,
should make me realise that I was alive I was .
desperatel y in need of stren gth !

O h that quiet breathin g whi ch throughout
, ,
all the coming nights I should listen to no more !

,
A distant clock struck I started How slowl y , .

,
though they went the hours ! Perhaps m

, , y
father woul d help me even by the use o f force , ,
t o se e the poor little child a g a in The future .
l o omed before me full o f stru ggles problems , ,
agitations From thi s chaos m

.
y son s face looked
’
o u t at me In the street at a corner I would

.
, ,
suddenly appear before himn o w and aga in ; and ,
he woul d live in constant expectation of meet

ing me Meanwh ile men c han gH Iaws change
. .
A person who is a living idea who is possessed ,
may succeed in convin cin g the most ob dur ate .
And then— death !

D eath ! I shivered as in a night long past .
B ut had I not conquered the longin g death fo r ,
even for the death o f m y enem y

? To live that ,
was m y du t y !
~
To l i ve and wait wi th a desper ,
ate faith in my self and in m y so n ; he wh o s h ared

my bl o od my ve ry soul
, .
I l i t the lamp and dre w t h e c o vers o ve r hi m

‘
There was a murm

.
ur : Mamma I flun g m y
self o n the bed and a su d den idea dar ted into
,
my mind What if I were to take my ch ild in

.
’
my arms wrapped in his be dclothes and walk

, ,
with him o ut in to t h e ni ght ? B ut the man in ,
there
The b o y slid hi s hand in min e an d fell asleep
aga in Perhaps I thought he would not h e ar
.
, , ,
I might be abl e to run al o n g t h e dese rte d stre et ,
re ach t h e stat i o n
“
Do y o u wan t to come wi th me ? I whi s !
pere d ! “
Yes mam ma answered t h e dr owsy
, ,
!
“
l i ttle voice Shall we go to gr and papa ?
And he sighe d in hi s sleep I r e m
.
“
Yes !
a in e d
pe rfectl y stil l alm
. .
ost w i thout b r eathi n g

, .
Midnight Thr ee h o ur s y e t I woul d be r ec

’
. .
o gn i se d at onc e at the statio n woul d

they unde rstand ? W ould they deta in me ? An d
the n the man woul d come an d dr ag the child ,
qu ill y o ve r toward s the wall Then— the n I knew

.
that I sho ul d ne v er come back ; I felt that some

powe r o utsi de o f my self was controll in g me that ,
I was going for th to meet an entirely new des

t i ny that all the mise ry that awa i ted me wou d
,
l
n e ve r s urpass the m ise ry o f the prese n t mo men t .
I fo und my self on t he t r ain wi thout knowing

h o w I got there The first j olts of the ca r r acked
.
me as though some part o f my flesh were be ing

torn away An d a sense o f the inevitable took
possession o f m
.
e more than eve r now as I saw
my self be in g born e away by that i ron power

,
I ha d been l ike o n e who walks in his sleep an d

su dde n l y awakes to fin d wh at he is d o in g Oh “ ,
t h e awf ul ago n y !
H ow c o ul d I do i t ? N o w m , y ch il d m y bo y
, ,
falle n aslee p unde r m y ki sses wo ul d awak e and

,
call m e ; pe r h aps he was call ing me al r ead y .
He wo ul d thin k that I ha d d eceive d him O ught .
I n o t to have awakene d h im wholl y to have

t o l d himthat I shoul d ne ve r come b ack and
,
that I di d n ot kn ow whether he woul d be allowed

to r ejoin me soon ? Perhaps m y husband was
there n ow bes id e the little bed and was ly in g
, , ,
to him i n his turn telling him that I woul d soon

come back and the child would belie ve him
,
, ,
and ask hesitatin g questions What would

he do to morrow and the next day ? And m
.
y
-
entire future life perhaps was to be full o f just

, ,
such questions wi th neve r an y answers

, .
H o w coul d I do it ? O h I w as no he r oin e ! ,
I was only a miserable creature from whom

the surgeon cuts o ff o n e ha n d in order that both
may not perish .
How lon g did that ho rri ble journey last ? A t

every station I was seized by a franti c d es ire
to get o ut to wait for another tra in which wo uld
,
take me back Then when the train would

.
,
again get in motion there would flash through

me at in tervals the i dea o f suicide so e asy
, , ,
there from that little door in stan tan eo us

, , .
B ut once arrive d the same power someth in g ,
almost extraneous stron ger than my self again

, ,
c ontrolle d me I mad e m .
y w ay forlo rn but ,
without hesitation through the smoke an d the

,
c rowd o ut o f the station wretched lost— through

, , ,
the noisy streets where t h e sun was di spell in g

t h e c louds .
X X II
RE SUR G E N C E
L O NG time h as elap sed A y e ar by now . .
I have never been b ack I have ne ver .
seen m y so n aga in My d ark prese nti

.
ment was ful filled .
How many months d i d I keep up the fight ;

continuing to nurse the delusion that I shoul d
y e t get posse ssion o f my child ?
The first few day s were almost restful unde r ,
my siste r s earnest watchful care ; then week

’
, ,
followe d wee k in a n in terchange ever more ,
rapi d of lette r s ; lette rs between m

, y husba n d
and my se lf My husba nd a nd m
.
y fathe r finall y ,
betwee n o ur lawy e rs in the c ou rse o f wh i ch he

,
betray ed a gr ow in g wo nder at m y c o n t in u in g
to hold o ut d elu din g him
, se lf w i th the idea that
I woul d y e t come b ac k Ha d he n o t the child

.
by w ay o f hostage ?
And t h e b o y a ide d by the se rv a n t would
, ,
3 34
3 86 A Wo m
an at B ay
that t h e st e p I ha d taken was i rre vocable and ,
that the nce fo rward I c o uld no longe r l i e to

, ,
my sel f ; that I shoul d di e o f shame and d isgu st

were I u n able to e n dure t h e to rm e nt d id I n ot ,
p re fe r d eath .
O h that fearful inexorable v o ice from wi th in !

, ,
Fo r months an d mo n ths I lo o ke d fo rw ard to

de ath just as a pe rson do es wh o h as an incurabl e
d i se ase .
T h e c o n v ictio n gre w up o n m e e ve r m o re ,
str ongl y that I wo ul d neve r obtain an y co n

,
c e ssion that his re ve nge would be rele ntless

,
A fter t ry ing thr e ats h e ne x t sent d e ri si ve m

.
'
es
sages ; h e kne w that I c oul d n o t in st i tute pr o

c e e di n gs fo r a s e parat i o n fo r wa n t o f a legal
cause My fathe r had go t ti re d o f t h e affair

fro mthe
.
an d re fu se d t o i n t e r fe re an y l o nge r ;
'
ve ry first ho we ve r h e ha d w arne d m e n o t to
hop e I coul d n ot ge t posse ss i on o f m

, ,
y un cle s
'
legacy for lac k o f m

.
y husband s autho ri zat i on

’
.
F inally e ve n t h e l a wye r d e cl ined t o take an y

,
fu rthe r steps I was st i ll that m . an s pro pe r ty

’
an d I m i gh t c o u n t m y s e lf lu c ky i f h e di d not
co mpe l m e t o re tu rn b y ma in fo r ce Such was .
t h e law .
R e surg e n ce 8
3 7
B efore long my old servant

dismissed was ,
and then even my son s brief

letters ceased’
.
Kn owing that a y oung g overn ess had b e en e n

ga ged I wrote to her ; she did not answer
,
.
No o n e could do an yt hi n g for me
'
Wh y did death so delay its comi g n ?
O h I was already dead nothing st ill li ved

, ,
in me but a memory .
Time glided flew b y My so n could no lo nge r

, .
be just the same as when I had seen him o n

that last evening ; perhaps hi s voice alr eady had
new inflections perhaps his e y es had a different
,
expression B ut I coul d see hi monl y as he was

. .
My motherhood had reall y ended then wi th , ,
that final kiss ?
A fte r some months had gone I experi en ce d by

a dull feeling o f surprise that I shoul d still be
alive that nothin g vital in me was reall y d e ad
, ,
and that around and about me a thousand

enigm
, ,
as were se cretly besettin g me Going o ut .
into the stre ets I let m y e y es rest upon the

c h ildr en who might remind me o f m
,
y o wn far ,
of f beloved o n e
, I gaze d at them in tently an d
.
,
n o w an d then o n e o f them would gaze bac k ,

a l i ttle uneasy Not one among tho se happy

.
little cr eatures had an y n e e d o f me B ut so me .
t imes i n the misty earl y morning o r whe n i t

, ,
was gr owing d usk i n di st in ct l i ttle figur es w o uld

,
brush aga inst me A childish vo ice in distress

.
woul d cau se m e to stop B eneath m .

y caress
the littl e fac e would lighten for an instan t ,
with pleasure Where did they sl e ep how

.
,
did they l i ve ? Amid the pre o ccupat i ons of

my new life the thought o f those ch ildren o f
those mothe rs wan de rin g about the hi ghway s
,
o f the cit y filled me wi th a haun t in g se n se o f

,
dis c omfo rt .
On e mo rnin g I went wi th m y s i ste r t o o n e o f

the di spe nsari es for poo r sick c hildre n whi ch
ha d bee n e stablishe d by a n asso c i at i o n o f wo men
I o ffered my se lf as an assistant to se rve m
.
y tu rn
twi ce or thr i ce a week .
B ut h o w appall in g tho se first day s were !

Ignorance di rt hunger bad treatme n t had p r o
duce d o ut o f unhapp y ch il dhoo d tragi c m
, , ,
, , ar ty rs .
Oh m, y beaut i fu l h e al thy b o
, y ! And I f an c i e d
that I woul d ne ve r be able to e n du re t h e actual
suffe rin g indu ce d by su ch a s i ght fo re ve r re peat in g
i tse lf.
often I c atch the c h anti ng of a funeral

pro c e ssi on wi nding i t s way to the c emete ry .
L ooking i n the face o f life and d e ath I am ,
not afr aid o f e it her perhaps I love them

,
both .
In the hea vens an d o n the ear th a pere nn i al

pass i ng Eve ry thing mingling mergi ng and a
.
, ,
sin gle fact i rradiating all : m y inward peace ,
the unfailing sensation o f being i n the seque n ce ,
o f b e in g able at an y moment to close m

, y ,
e y es fo r the last t i me w i th o ut an y feel in g of

r e mo rse .
At pe ac e wi th my s e lf .
D o I hope for an y thi ng ? No Pe rh ap s t o .
mor r ow m ay b ri ng me a fresh r e ason fo r ex i st
e nce ; pe rhaps I m ay y e t gr ow fam iliar wi th

o the r aspe cts o f life an d exper i ence the sensat i on
o f a new b irth o f a new smile rest ing upon every

,
thin g B ut I exp e ct nothin g Perhaps t o o to

. .
, ,
morrow m ay fin d me dea d an d the last

e ffo rt o f m y life w ill have spe n t i tse lf in the
writin g o f these pages .
For hi m
My so n m
.
y so n ! An d h i s fathe r b e lievi ng
, , ,
po ssibly that he is happ y ! He will grow ri ch

, ,
R e surg e n ce 39 1
provide the bo y with play thi ngs books masters ; , ,
surroun d hi mwith ease an d luxury My so n .
will forget o r hate me .
Le t hi m hate but n o t fo r ge t me !
'
An d he will be trained i n a kn owle d ge o f the

law whi ch those in power fin d so useful ; he
,
will learn to prize authority and tranquillity , ,
an d comfo rt How often do I take o ut

t h e liken e ss whose chil d ish features now appear
in the i r gaze to proclaim m

,
, y grief ; n o w ,
i n the lin es o f the mouth hi s father s hard

,
’
ness ! B ut he is mine He i s min e an d he

.
must re semble me ! Ca rry h im o ff Clasp h im

Shut h im into my self !
.
t ight . Then
disappear utt e rly so that he m ay be all o f
m!e
So me day he w ill be twenty y ears o ld W ill .
he start forth then at random in quest o f his

, , ,
mother ? Or will he already have anothe r fem

inine image enthroned in hi s heart ? Will he
not then feel that m y arms ar e st r etche d o u t
to hi min t h e di stance an d that I am c alling
to him cal li ng h im by name ?
,
O r perhaps I shall no lon ger be al ive n o

, ,
lon ge r have po we r t o repeat t o himt he sto ry

,
3 92 A Wo m
an at B ay
of my li fe
the hi story o f m
, y soul no longe r
,
be able to tell him that I have been

him for so long a t ime !
An d that is wh y I ha v e wr i tt en On e day
.
my words will reach him .
TH E E N D .
T h e p l o t o f t h e s t o ry i s u n i q u e , t h e se n t i m
m
e n t
a n d pa th o s g e n u i n e , t h e h u o r d e l i g h t fu l , an d
t h e s ty l e a b o ve r e p r o a c h .
Flo we r of th e Dusk
By Myr tle Re e d
“
Auth o r of A Spinn e r i n th e Sun ,
Th e Mast e r s Vi o li n , e tc
’ !
.
rb ara ro i e M yrtl e R e e d n ew
’
Ba the he n of s
m l o ver t h at i t i s h e r am
,
ro an c e , c o n fid e s t o h er
b i t i o n t o write a b o o k o f t h e so r t th at peo pl e wh o
ar e fo n d o f e ac h o t h er wo ul d c h o o se fo r a gi ft
!
.
! u st suc h a b o o k M i ss R e e d h e r se l f h as wr it t en as
all h e r adm
,
ire r s wi ll agr ee a sto r y wh i c h i f it h as

pre c e di n g t al e s b y t h e sam
, ,
not surpasse d all e
aut h o r ,
i s c ert ai n ly o n a l eve l wi th t h e b e st o f
h e r wo r k . T h e l o ve st o ry h e r e wi l l se t t h e h e ar t s
o f h e r d e vo t e d r e ade r s agl o w fo r t h e y wi ll fin d
,
quit e irr e si st i b l e t h e h ero i n e a de l ic at e an d b e au

,
ti ful gir l wh o b e ar s up agai n st di ffic ulti e s th at

,
wo ul d h ave b r o k e n a spi r i t l e ss b rave an d t h e

fe m in in e h al f o f t h e mat l e ast will c e r tain ly agree
,
th at t h e h e r o as a l o ver i s a c o mpl e te suc c ess

, , ,
arden t wh o l e h e arte d devo t e d e ve n t o a faul t

,
-
,
.
! udi th o f the m
Cu be r lan ds
By Alice MacGo wan
Auth o r oi Th e Last Wo r d,
!
Re turn ,
Huldah , e tc .
Wi th Illustr ati o n s i n Co lo r by Ge o r ge Wri gh t

N0 i l t o e j o y th i s m
o n e c an fa o vi g t al e wi t h
n n
i t l o ve ly a d arde t h e i e i t s fra k fe ar l
s n n ro n ,
n ,
e ss
h e o i t gl o wi n g l o ve pa sage an d i t vari e ty o f
r s s s, s
h a a t s c apt i vat i g o r e gagi g h um

,
c r c er n o ro us r n n o
i e vi ll ai ra al a d m
, ,
s at u rn n ,
n s, e n o f go o d w i ll
sc s, n .
T h e de ript i ve vi gn ett e s t h at ab u d in t h e st o ry
sc o n
a e do e wi th a fi e a t a d c o n j ure up l i k e m
r n n r ,
agi c n
s e e a d si t uat i o
c n n t o ge t h e r n
T h o se wh o l i k e a t al e o f pri m
.
it ive po wer in
wh i c h an i m
,
passi o e d l o ve st o y o t e ds fo r t h e
n r c n n
r e ader s i t e r e st agai st t h e tartl i g i n i de ts o f a

’
n n s n c n
mo un t ai fe ud i wh i h t h e i ll ic i t distill i g o f
n n c n
mo u t ai de w gu pl ay a d a ault an d b att e ry
n n ,
!
n- ,
n ss
h ave e ac h i ts pl a e n e e d go n o furt h e r h e re i s t h e
c ,
t al e th e y ar e se e k in g .
“A s u
p e r b s o c i al sa ti r e .
Il l u st r at e d L o n do n Ne w.
T h e C o u n t r y H o use
By ! o h n Galsw o r t h y
A ut h o r of Th e M an of P r o pe r t y ,
!
e t c.
I f t h e re is an y co mpe t i t i o n g o i ng o n fo r
c h aract e r s i n mo d e r n fic t i o n o r t h e c o m in
g
n o v e li st m
,
, y v o t e s u n h e si t at in g l y g o t o
Th e Co u n t ry H o use t o M r B ar t er
,
to .
,
M P e n dy oe an d t o M r ! o h n G al sw o rt h y
!
r s. . .
—L o nao n P un t /z
’
.
A b o o k t h at ex h i b i ts w id e sy mp a t h i es
o b se r v at i o n an d a qu i e t h u m
,
g e n u in e ,
or of
i t s o wn . W h at e ve r M r G al sw o rt h y w r i te s
.
p o ss e ss e s an irr e si st i b l e a pp e al fo r t h e
r e ad e rs o f cu l t ivat e d taste s .
!
G P P ut n a
. . mS 5 ons
N e w Yo r k Lo n do n

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A WOMAN AT BAY

is see n i h t d l igh t t mti

woul d be useless to attempt to li ve it

was I at six years Of a ge at ten but as though I

had dreamed her A lovel y dream which the

faintest recall to the present instantl y dispels .

It is like music too perhaps a delicate V ibrant

harmon y ; and like a great enfolding light ; an d

Fo r ho w long in the black period Of m

did I look back upon its dawn as upon something

with eyes that se e more clearl y I can distinguish ,

even in m y ver y earliest years the presence Of

I c o ul d ne ver have felt m yself t o be absolutel y

yes this much I must have been consci o us o f

I was the el d est child and I freel y made use Of

preference for me openl y a nd I c ould se e that it

was his in te n tion to bestow e ve ry c are upon my

so I was told— an d I had to ys and sweets an d

playmates volun tarily sub m

M y lo ve for my fathe r c ompl e tely d o mi n ate d

an adoration which had n o limits This dist in o

tion I was con sc i ous Of though I n e ver had t h e

courage to in quire i nto the cause H e was t h e

glorious patte rn upon wh ich all my small per

me t h e embodiment Of the beauty Of life Th e .

spell which he cast upo n e very o n e about h i m I

was no o n e like him ; he knew e ve ryth in g was ,

always r ight S ide b y side m

two walked alone hour after hour up and down

I feeling all the while as though I were treading

hood Of marvellous boyish adventures Of how

when he was eight years Ol d he had seen

was someth ing unreal about a past lik e that ,

ye t there he was b y m y s i de with his tall

active ﬁgure his r apid movements h is head

hel d prou dl y erect and that triumphant smile of

My father directe d m y reading and m y studies

school mi stresses sometimes v isited the house th e y

l i sten ed to him ad m iringl y an d as it seemed to

me with a touch Of surprise an d defere nce A t

school I stoo d near the head Of m y classes an d ,

occas i onall y there aro se a faint suspicion that I

the t i me that I was in the very lowest gr ades ,

noticing t h e c o ntrast in the way in which we were

I was able t o form a pretty shrewd idea Of what

went home I would not i ce the sh in in g door plate

whereo n was m y father s n am e p re c ed ed by

I was onl y ﬁve years Old whe n m y father who ,

was a professor Of science in the ugl y little town

in a ﬁt o f anno yance and went into busin ess

a large commercial house at Milan Even I could .

se e that he was not altogether happ y in his new

oc cupation When he would come home on some

half holiday and settle down in the rather dis

orderl y l i ttl e ro o m where he kept h i s apparatus fo r

I un derst oo d that i t w as there and there onl y that

tude Of th ings m y father must ha v e taught me !

was awa y To me i t seeme d as th o ugh p ap a wer e

alwa ys in the r i ght rather than sh e .

I thought this e ven when h e ga ve way as h e ,

sometimes d id to tremendous e xplos i ons Of an ger

explos i ons wh ich made all o f us tremble and

able misery Mamma with difﬁculty suppr essing