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Volume 52 - Issue 5

October 3, 2018
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NOSTALGIA ISSUE

PHOTO: ALANNA RIZZA


2

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Wednesday THURSDAY
RYERSONSTUDENTCENTRE.CA /RamInTheRye @RamInTheRye @RamInTheRye
NEWS 3

What you’ll need to know for the municipal elections


Bigger wards, reading week advanced polling and a neo-nazi running for mayor,

By Georgia Mills South in the east, Mill Street in the dents in residence, those who live
south and Bay Street to the west. downtown and commuters from
Advance voting in the upcoming There are 19 candidates running uptown.
Toronto election will take place for the councillor position that will The candidates for councillor
over reading week—a time when oversee campus. understand that students are a
lucky Ryerson University students Kristyn Wong-Tam, who was major part of Toronto’s downtown
put down their books for the beach elected to city council in 2010, is core—a recognition that seems
while others return to their home- the current councillor for Ryer- to unify their entirely unique
towns after Thanksgiving weekend. son’s ward. Her re-election platform individual platforms.
Torontonians will vote in a new centres around investing in active Where you vote is based on
25-ward map, almost half the size forms of transportation and increas- where you live within your electoral
of council’s current 47 members, ing affordable housing. district. You can only vote at the
to elect council representatives and Among the 18 candidates run- polling station assigned to you, so
the next mayor of Toronto on Oct. ning against the incumbent is com- make sure to look up your ward on Students who live downtown can cast ballots for the next mayor of Toronto and Ward
22. For those unavailable to vote the munity activist Walied Khogali, the Elections Ontario website. 13 councillor | PHOTO: LAURA DALTON
day of, advance polls will be open George Brown College professor What to bring to the polls
Wednesday, Oct. 10 through Sun- Jon Callegher and Lucy Troisi, the If you’ve registered in advance
day, Oct. 14. They will be open 10 current councillor for Ward 28. online, you’ll be on the Voters’ List
a.m. to 7 p.m. daily.
Here’s what you need to know
Your mayoral candidates
Although there are 35 candidates
and will receive a Voter Informa-
tion Card in the mail. From there, Ryerson Students’ Union
about the upcoming elections: running to be the next Toronto city it’s easy. Bring your Voter Informa-
Mo’ wards, mo’ candidates
As a result of the provincial gov-
ernment’s changes to downsize
council, Ryerson will no longer
mayor, you’ve probably only heard
of four of them: Sarah Climenhaga,
Jennifer Keesmaat, Saron Gebresel-
lassi and current mayor John Tory.
tion Card and one piece of ID that
has your name on it to vote.
For those of you who don’t plan
months ahead of schedule, you can
BY-ELECTION
be in Ward 27. Campus will be in Neo-nazi Faith Goldy is also run- still vote too!
Ward 13, a geographically larger ning. Gebresellassi is a 2008 Ryer- All you need is proof of identifica-
and more jam-packed district than son graduate who currently works tion and proof that you live at a To-
the former. It will include parts of as a human rights lawyer. ronto address. Remember: passports
previous wards 21, 22, 23, 25 and Must be 18 to vote don’t count. Make sure that you

OCT. 3 4 5
36. The new borders will run along Anyone 18 or older who lives have at least two forms of identifica-

WED

THU

FRI
Charles Street and Rosedale Valley in the City of Toronto is eligible tion if you want your vote to count.
in the north, Don Valley Parkway to cast a ballot. That includes stu- With files from the News Team.

Dissecting the September sickness phenomenon FACULTY OF ARTS


By Cassidy Garbe there needs to be bacteria present.
Combined with the close quarters
nalism student at Ryerson, lives in
HOEM. “Everyone within residence
STUDENTS!
September sickness: it happens ev- university students eat, sleep, work is already sick,” she says. “I’m just Cast Your Vote For
ery year. After a month of mingling
amongst thousands of others in the
and breathe in, germs tend to repli-
cate and latch onto the next unsus-
constantly sweeping, vacuuming
and wiping things down.”
• Faculty of Arts Director
tight quarters of lecture halls and pecting host. And vulnerable, sleep- LoMagno lives with three other
Grace O’Malley’s, germs incubate
and students get the sniffles.
deprived students in close quarters
with already-depleting physical
roommates. Close contact, she says,
isn’t something you can prevent.
Login to your RAMSS account
While research shows the cold health due to the stresses of a new Dorms are not the only spaces my.ryerson.ca
weather weakens your immune cells, semester make for great hosts. where germs thrive. Estable says
Opens Wed 9am, Closes Fri 4pm
making them less effective at fight- “The handle on the door you just that general stress makes students
ing off viruses, Dr. Mario Estable, an opened, the coffee just handed to susceptible to infections.
associate biochemistry professor at you by the barista, the hand you just How can students avoid the loom- Or visit a polling station
Ryerson University, says droves of shook, the pencil you just borrowed, ing end-of-September sickness? Es-
Open Wed - Thurs 10am-5pm
students getting sick one month into all contain viruses from the person table recommends getting vaccinat-
the semester is more than just a case who handed them to you,” he says. ed in order to stop the spread of the Fri 10am-4pm
of lower temperatures. flu in particular.
Estable, an expert in molecular According to Health Canada, the
virology, biochemistry and micro- Vulnerable, sleep- flu sends approximately 12,000 Ca- TRS ENG KHE RCC LIB VIC
biology, says the September sickness deprived students nadians to the hospital every year
phenomenon is due to a variety of ... make for great and is responsible for 3,500 flu-re-
factors, ranging from the stresses of lated deaths annually.
a new school year to the uninten- “The anti-influenza vaccine you
tional spreading of germs. Every year, Karly Cywink, a sec- get not only protects you, but also You must be enrolled as a full time
“The shortening of daylight, the ond-year media production student, stops you from spreading the virus student in the Faculty of Arts to be
dreaded return to school, the add- says she gets sick when school starts. to others. It’s like donating blood.
ed responsibilities and stresses of She currently has strep throat and It’s to help others who are weaker eligible to vote.
school, university and work, after an ear infection. “It’s been happen- and in need,” Estable says.
time off with family [and] friends ing since elementary school and high In order to boost your immune
Visit rsuonline.ca/elections
in the summer all can contribute school, it’s just a thing,” Cywink says. system during germ-filled fall days,
to feeling more sluggish and tired,” In university, close contact with Estable says students should keep a for more info
Estable says. others is inevitable, especially for window open and wash their hands. For accommodations or questions,
While viruses like the common those in dorms. Students share Avoiding drinks, eating healthy, ex- contact the Chief Returning Officer
cold are more dominant in colder, showers, bathrooms, desks, books, ercising often and getting eight hours at cro@rsuonline.ca
low humidity environments, Es- saliva—the list goes on. of sleep every night, he adds, are also
table says that first and foremost, Tazi LoMagno, a first-year jour- ways to beat September sickness.
4 EDITORIAL
OR: HOW FAMILY GUY RUINED YOUR FRIENDS FOREVER

It’s time you called out your friends on their bullshit


might be thinking, ‘If my friends Online Interns Gabbie “Tiana” Clarke
By think my rape joke is OK, maybe Skyler “*sniffs*” Ash Gabrielle “Berenstoin?” Olano Keisha “Leia” Balatbat
Jacob it’s not such a big deal.’ That’s where Bryan “Weeb Hater” Meler Maeve “Berenstain!” Bunga Rhea “Maleficient” Singh
Dubé this gets dangerous. By not speaking Ashanti “Bear-enstein?” Anderson Sam “Hans” Harley
out, you’re complicit in the normal- Features Alexander “Barenstaine” Moore Madi “Cruella De Vil” Wong
ization of abuse. Sarah “Totally been here the Christopher “Bayrehnsteyn” Sarkar Georgia “Ursula” Mills
I thought now was a good time to I’ve been in situations where I whole time” Krichel Cassidy “The Evil Queen” Garbe
remind the guys out there to call out haven’t spoken out and regretted it General Manager Kosalan “Captain Hook” Kathira-
your friends on their shit. for years. But during the times that Arts and Life Liane “Alpaca shepherd” McLarty malanathan
The ‘shit’ I am referring to can I have said something, it gave my Premila “Uber detective” D’Sa Laura “Queen of Hearts” Dalton
vary, but it usually comes in the friends a chance to critically think Advertising Manager Tyler “Scar” Griffin
form of something said or done— about the shit jokes they thought Sports Chris “Good ol’ days” Roberts Kiernan “Fact Check” Green
with varying degrees of subtlety— were funny and change for the better. Peter “Come here, boy” Ash Latoya “Killin it” Powell
that would make you or other peo- If they don’t, then buy some dice, Christian “Guyliner” Ryan Design Director Rhianna “not RI-hanna” Jackson-
ple you know very uncomfortable. join an inclusive D&D group and J.D. “Windows 98” Mowat Kelso
It happens way too often; you’re find some better friends. Biz and Tech
with a friend, and they blurt out Sera “Irreplaceable” Wong Contributors People! People! Can you see it? It’s right
something sexist, racist, homopho- Sophie “insta famous” Chong there - just around the corner, Fall
bic or what could only be classified Communities Urbi “All the way in Whitby” Khan Reading Week!!! All of the sleeping,
as sexual harassment. You want to Lidia “Happy Birthday” Abraha Sherina “Master of dogs” Harris eating and partying away hours full of
say something, but it’s hard. You’re Kyle “No worries bro” Craib potential. Oh goodness, what will you do
worried they’ll make fun of you, Fun Will “Awesome” Lofsky with all that time? Whether or not you
or create some tension where they Nathaniel “Nic Cage’s whole ass” Jacob “I wanna be a little” Stoller go home or stay in Toronto, there is a
thought there was none. But you Crouch Hayden “Gimme the light” Godfrey plethora of choices. Remember though,
have to do it. Editor-in-Chief Tom “Fitzmagic” McCabe you won’t actually do at least 80 per cent
The most common excuse you’ll Jacob “Shrek 2 or Death” Dubé Media Aaron “Happy Friday” Siblall of what you planned but hey, what the
get (or tell yourself later to justify Parnika “Mario Kart Rez Master” Raj Valentina “hippie for halloween” hell? It’s the dreaming that counts.
their behaviour) is that you’re posi- News Katie “Crowned Olivia Munn” Passos Gastaldo
tive your friend was joking when Emerald “The swoosh” Bensadoun Swyers Connor “Alex Jones” Thomas The Eyeopener is Ryerson’s largest and
he said he was going to rape some- Raneem “YOU’LL BE MY Pernia “Vaporwave” Jamshed Aaron “f*ck this guy” Rubinoff only independent student newspaper.
one or when he used a racial slur, AMERICAN BOY” Alozzi Eli “good sport” Savage It is owned and operated by Rye Eye
because you know him, right? He Maggie “sing till dead” Macintosh Podcast Producer Catherine “Rapunzel” Cha Publishing Inc., a non-profit corporation
doesn’t mean it. Izabella “Back at it” Balcerzak Nahian “Prince Charming” Iqbal owned by the students of Ryerson. Our
But every time you don’t call them Photo Laura “Cinderella” Dalton offices are on the second floor of the
out and simply laugh along, the Samantha “New Rihanna” Moya Copy Editor and Circulation Taylor “Snow White” Ball Student Campus Centre. You can reach
message they’re getting is that those Alanna “Citrus fan” Rizza Manager Samross “Aladdin” Thorg us at 416-979-5262, at theeyeopener.com
actions and words are okay. They Deanna “Doubts Parnika” Krueger Igor “Hot Shrek” Magun Cassy “Mulan” Morrison or on Twitter at @theeyeopener.

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Ryerson_Sept2016_QuarterPage.indd 1 8/1/18 11:28 AM


5
YOU MUST BE THIS OLD TO FEEL NOSTALGIC
By pure anticipation. This movie was past, typically for a period or place cherry cola and a Jar Jar Binks kink unable to look back and reminisce
Nathaniel my childhood, it was the original with happy personal associations.” yelled at me for coming to this film because we simply haven’t been
Crouch reason I started to read comics and As the theatre filled in I ended up when I hadn’t been around to see around for long enough?
love superheroes. Therefore, as the in seats between two preschoolers. Episode Four in theatres. Bullshit, there’s no way I’ve en-
This summer, I went to see In- second instalment came out for one In that moment I was perplexed Why is it that people can’t let dured countless hours on a Game
credibles 2, pumped to watch my of my favourite movies, I couldn’t and got angry enough to turn others enjoy or be nostalgic about Boy Color and too much time
favourite family team up again. I help but feel very nostalgic. Nos- around and ask the mom if they re- things? I didn’t see the originals watching Kim Possible to be stopped
had waited 14 years for this, I had talgia is defined as “a sentimental ally needed to be there? when they came out and those by some 20-year-old who saw one
even rewatched the first one in longing or wistful affection for the I mean come on, they hadn’t four-year-olds didn’t see The Incred- more episode of Spongebob than me.
waited years to see the sequel. They ibles, but we still loved those mov- Simply let people enjoy the past,
Computer Science Tutor weren’t six when the movie came out ies equally, so why the animosity? and don’t worry about if they qualify
Help with C C++ C# Java and Python Homework and amazed when Dash ran across I had to ask myself, “who’s sup- to be nostalgic or not. Whether they
water. I felt like they didn’t earn it posed to get nostalgic?” These four- were truly around for their begin-
and Assignments. like I did, I had waited and they’d just year-olds don’t get nostalgic for The nings or discovered it later.
Help available by email, online on Skype been born at the right time. Incredibles, they just like the movie. Even if you’re not really into
or in person. I was in that theatre waiting to We’re all fans of this stuff, but the looking back on your childhood,
We also offer individual C C++ C# Java and Python see the Parr family suit up again only people allowed to get nostal- there are moments in conversation
programming lessons. when it hit me that I shouldn’t gic are the ones who were around and in writing when we get caught
be mad. Sure, these kids had only to see them start as a kid. up in remembering about every-
students@cstutoring.com 416-785-5115 experienced the first Incredibles So what about me and my gen- thing that used to entertain us.
on Blu-ray but who was I to take eration? I like Star Wars plenty but That’s what these next pages are
away from their excitement to see I have no doubt every 40-year-old all about; we’ve been working our
a great movie? who spent two days camping in asses off to compile anecdotes, re-
I felt even worse afterwards be- front of the theatre for Return of the search pieces and personal stories all
cause I had been on the opposite Jedi doesn’t believe I can get as much centered around who, when or what
side of the same encounter three enjoyment out of it as they can. we’re nostalgic for.
years ago as I went to see Star Wars: Where does that leave us? Are This issue is to celebrate all we can
The Force Awakens. On opening we stuck floating in a void sur- be nostalgic about, a massive compi-
night, I was making my way to my rounded by constantly changing lation of things we should laugh out
seat, when some neckbeard with a shows, movies, toys and foods, but loud at like we did back in the day.

Those who recalled it all...


Lyba Mansoor
MASTHEAD MEDIA
Georgia Mills
Editor-in-chief Katie Swyers
Emerald Bensadoun
Jacob Dubé Pernia Jamshed
Maggie Macintosh
Managing Editor Parnika Raj
Raneem Alozzi
Nathaniel Crouch WRITERS
Sera Wong
Gabrielle Olano
Lidia Abraha
PHOTO Alex Moore
Christopher Sarkar
Alanna Rizza Maeve Bunga
Urbi Khan
Samantha Moya Ashanti Anderson
Premila D’Sa
Deanna Krueger Peter Ash
Skyler Ash
Christian Ryan
Bryan Meler
Andrea Josic
Izabella Balcerzak
6
HOW I ABANDONED MY NINTENDOG TO THE ABYSS
the real world. I am now 20 years old. And game systems. We shared the PlayStation 2,
I have more adulting to do now than I had but some of the others were too personal for
to as a kid. us to share.
I have to do things like clean my room The fighting stopped and we started
and so on. One time while I was cleaning, I trading Pokémon. We even exchanged
came across a storage box labelled, “Ye Olde some choice words on PictoChat that we
(Childhood) Electronics” in black sharpie, couldn’t share in front our parents, but we
taped shut. had to be in the same vicinity of each other
Once I opened the box, I found my neon to be able to connect. We were both content
green Apple MP3 player, Game Boy games with ourselves. To this day, my DS Lite is in
and finally the item that I cherished most as perfect condition. Although it does have its
a child: my DS Lite. I think I stopped play- imprints, which contributes further to my
ing with it about five years ago. I received my childhood memories.
DS Lite in 2008, when I was 10 years old. It The DS stylus has bite marks on it, and
was a special Onyx Dialga and Palkia edition I’m assuming it’s because it got mixed up
Neglecting a Nintendog will lead to years of abandonment issues, stress and a breaking or more simply as I remember calling it: The with another that belonged to my childhood
point whenever someone talks about a Shih Tzu ILLUSTRATION: NATHANIEL CROUCH friend’s baby sister Zara. My friend Urooj
and I would have sleepovers and we would
I would buy flea shampoo and give her a play with our DS’s. Her sister is probably
I also fed her corned
By Urbi Khan
bath. I also fed her corned beef, which was her around nine years old now. I have lost touch
I’m afraid of going back to my Nintendog. It
was a Shih Tzu. I forget her name, at least I
favourite. Then, I would forget again, and the
cycle continued. I eventually just forgot about beef, which was her with my friend Urooj but those bite marks
remain, making my memory of her and her
think she was a ‘her’. I abandoned her back in her altogether. I knew the dog wasn’t real. favourite family even stronger.
2010. I was 12 years old. I am genuinely terri- The game wasn’t real. It wasn’t a part of my My room is clean now, I have gotten rid
fied to see this dog. life. But, something made me want to go see of a lot of childhood things which I will no
Back then, I would forget for weeks to what this dog looks like now, after eight years. longer need such as my hair accessories,
check in on the dog and when I did, she would Is she a skeleton? Is she still covered in fleas, Pokémon Diamond and Pearl edition. clothes and even some books. But my DS
be covered in fleas. The dog would run up waiting for her owner to come back so she can This was my first personal electronic de- Lite will always remain with me.
to the screen, barking and pawing at it. She bark and paw viciously at the screen again? vice. I would even say that this DS Lite pre- And I have also found my Nintendogs
would always have a morose look on her face, The image of my beloved Shih Tzu is so pared me for the smartphone culture, with chip. I think about popping it into the slot,
I was always horrified by her condition and I permanently imprinted in my brain that its touch screen and compact size. My dad and opening my DS Lite. The reboot music
wondered what she would smell like if I was I can’t stand the sight of Shih Tzus now. I bought the DS Lite for me because my young- floods my mind with thoughts of a childhood
there, if this game wasn’t just virtual reality. have moved onto Australian Shepherds—in er brother, Adib, and I would fight over his that is now only a distant memory.

How Runescape made me lonely I needed to buy a full set of rune armour. It was
the same at lunch. Eating out of my thermos My
would never be the same, as I started to do the
Could you get lonely in a server with 2,000+ people? Our firemaking motion whenever I had something Tamagotchi
sports editor Peter Ash tells us why it can happen that required an oven or microwave.
Over the next few months, all I did was play
Runescape. It got to the point where I didn’t
obsession
When I was in the seventh grade, Runescape 111 if you’re single’ groups, the large, iconic even want to play basketball or see a movie. By Parnika Raj
was the bomb. town of Lumbridge and the patch that was All I wanted to do was make virtual money
It was 2009, and I remember asking my Draynor Village, where I’d burn my first ever and spend it on a new pair of dragonhide Tamagotchi was everything when I was in the
friend what game he was playing. Being the whole chicken. pants. I even tried to get some of my closest first grade.
video game junkie that I was, I immediately friends into it, because this game could bring Every kid I knew had one, so I had to have
told myself that I had to get into it. For those us closer, right? one as well. When I think back to the toys that
of you who don’t know what I’m talking
about, Runescape is a fantasy massive multi-
Where I’d burn Unfortunately, I couldn’t have been more
wrong. Instead of having my imaginary clan
made me happy, I think about my Tamagot-
chi. I felt a sense of importance, and I think a
player online role-playing game (MMORPG). come to fruition, my friends thought I had lost lot of kids felt that too.
As a pixelated human, you can interact with my mind and kept telling me to “chill” or to I still remember being picked up from school,
other online players, as well as non-player chicken “stop playing that weird Medieval Times-look- and having my mom tell me how my Tama-
characters (NPCs) which are controlled by the ing game.” I wish I listened to them sooner. gotchi grew up over the course of the day. I
game. Basically, you’re free to do whatever As fun as it was to slay a dragon, or duel remember my mom criticizing me for nam-
you wanted, because everything is optional After playing for about two and a half against well-rounded players in the arena, ing my Tamagotchi Lola. She said that it was a
and nothing is necessary. hours, I logged off and all I could think about the game lost its spark. Silly jokes about how “silly name” that no one would actually use. A
Without putting much thought into it, I was how many skills I could develop in my stupid noobs were or how girls wanted to go year later, Zoey 101 came out with a character
created my first and only account choosing next run. I didn’t know how my eagerness on fishing dates started to get old. The jokes with the exact same name. I still secretly think
the username ‘Chrisbosh18’ (because Chris to play was going to change the next few distracted me from the truth: I was getting they ripped the name off me.
Bosh was my favourite basketball player and months of my life. At first, it was at school. lonely. Unfortunately, that didn’t kick in until I was also obsessed with a similar looking
I was born on the 18th). In no time, I found Instead of focusing on my math equations, I after the school year. Sometime during the toy. It was called Pixel Chicks. It wasn’t as
myself strolling through the occasional ‘type found myself thinking about how many coins middle of the summer, I found myself using popular, but fuck, did I ever beg to get mine.
bots (a computer-controlled player used to It plays on the same concept of having a digi-
make money or level up). This meant that I tal buddy to put to sleep, change clothes, feed
technically wasn’t playing the game, but I was and the like. I dug up my Pixel Chick a few
still active online while I monitored the bot. years ago.
It was clearly time to give up. I started to play I’m embarrassed to say I played with it for a
basketball again and I stayed away from my few days. It was so fun. If only I could find my
computer for as long as possible. dear beloved Tamagotchi.
I don’t exactly remember when I officially Kids these days will never have the digi-
stopped playing. I guess I realized the game tal toys we had. Most of them have iPads,
was becoming an essential part of my life, and iPhones or something that includes Netflix
I didn’t want that. Nine years later, I’m thank- and a crazy amount of games downloaded
ful that my 13-year-old brain flipped a switch. from the app store. Never will they know the
I didn’t have to worry about burning a whole joys of raising a few bits to a few pixels in the
Why’d they have to leave me alone? There’s nobody here... I’ve never felt so empty. God- chicken ever again. palm of their hand.
dammit, I’m so lonely. ILLUSTRATION: SAMANTHA MOYA

7
LET’S TAKE A GOOD OLD T
Izabella Balcerzak reflects on how far we’ve come. Sit back, relax and let the nostalgia flow over you.
Growing up in the 21st century has come with its own ups and downs, from world disasters
to odd news that equally grab our attention. In the following slew of nostalgic news from the
past 18 years—ranging from pop culture trends to legitimate world news—you’ll either feel
enlightened or old. You’ll cackle at things that once made headlines “back in our day” and you’ll
be sure to add a wrinkle of wisdom to your ever-aging face. Let’s bring on the nostalgia, start-
ing with the year 2000 (and ending with the Year 3000—yes, that is totally a Jonas Brothers
song reference).

Wikipedia launched and instantly


became the most referenced source in
elementary school essays.

START
Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire by J.K. American Idol premiered. Kelly Clarkson
Rowling was published and lead to peo- won first place and the Canadian version
ple wondering if Harry really did put his quickly sucked in comparison.
own name in the Goblet.
80% of Canada’s popula-
tion (26.5 million people)
tuned into the gold medal
finals in men’s hockey
during the 2010 Winter
The Oxford English Dictionary Olympics. That’s pretty Kanye West interrupted
added “OMG” and “LOL” as offi- impressive, eh? Taylor Swift’s accep-
cial words. tance speech at the MTV
VMA.

Angry Birds Ice Bucket Challenge helped


launched on raise $115 million in donations
the App Store to the ALS Association.
and Google
Play. Frozen premiered (admit it, you
still can’t get the song out of your
head). Do you want to let it go?

WE THOUGHT WE WERE
GOING TO DIE.

8
TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE
This was one of Pixar’s biggest accom-
plishments: the timeless movie, Finding Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for
Nemo. Just keep swimming, Brucie, just Angelina Jolie.
keep swimming.

Oprah’s “You Get a Car” episode


aired, but audience members still
had to pay $7,000 in taxes or they
wouldn’t get one.

Pluto is no longer a planet and


we’ve been lied to our entire lives.
On the bright side, High School
Musical premiered, also lying to us
Norway knighted a about the high school experience.
penguin, naming him
Sir Nils Olav III. He
is currently the mas-
cot and Colonel-in-
Chief of the Norwe- Britney Spears shaved
gian Royal Guard. her head.

A French court renamed a baby


‘Ella’ after the judge ruled that the
parents’ decision to name the child
“Nutella” was not in the child’s
best interest.
Kendall Jenner achieved world
peace with a Pepsi commercial.

#torontoraccoon

Fidget spinners became


FIN.
popular... somehow.

9
Those we Those we
always wanna wanted to
be like forget about
By Skyler Ash and Nathaniel Crouch

MR. CROCKER: CATCHER IN THE FEY LINDSAY LOHAN: HELP HER


The ear that grows out of the side of his neck Lohan is still looking for her long-lost twin
complemented by the way his spine breaks sister who was separated from her after star-
when he screams “FAIRY GODPARENTS!” ing in The Parent Trap. She’s had quite a run
Iconic. We should applaud Mr. Crocker—he in the last few years; she lost a finger in a
not only knew about Timmy’s pink and green boating accident and wrote a poem to ISIS.
fish, but saw those fish and figured “meh, two We all remember witnessing her ascension
fairies with the ability to alter reality to fit the and subsequent fall from grace, so forgetting
wants of a child? I can handle that with a but- all about her post-2011 is now standard. Af-
terfly net.” If there is anything to learn from ter seven mental breakdowns and a million
him, it’s never stop trying. Even if your goals dollars in plane tickets, you can now find
turn you into a raving lunatic with no hope Lohan on the top of Mt. Everest scream-
of advancing your career, thanks for remind- ing into oblivion in search of someone to
ing us to never give up, Mr. Crocker. punch her in the face as she steals their kids.

10.2/10, the live version did him no justice. 3/10. If we really are in the darkest timeline,
Illustration by: Catherine Chung Illustration by: Samantha Moya she’ll voice Ariel in a live action Disney movie.

UNCLE IROH: DRAGON OF THE WEST NICHOLAS CAGE: FACE ON OR OFF?


So imagine Santa Claus was a living flame- Cage was never able to top his performance
thrower. That’s how iconic Uncle Iroh is. The since he starred in National Treasure 2: Book
man is the embodiment of Milk and Honey— of Secrets. Every movie he did after that was a
reciting poetry and giving advice whenever it’s flop, so he just quit acting altogether. We will
needed and regardless whether it makes sense. all hold The Wicker Man on its own pedes-
He taught the prince of complaining how to tal, very far away from every other movie. In
redirect lightning and he stopped a mugging, all honesty, it’s probably good you lost track
then befriended the mugger, getting him to of the asshole who guaranteed there won’t
pursue his dream of playing the banjo. Above be a good Ghost Rider movie ‘till 2049. You
all, Iroh taught me that to love someone, truly can now find him working the night shift
love someone, you must be willing to watch at McDonald’s (though not in the daytime)
them fall, to remind them of who they are and and screaming for John Travolta to get away
to forgive them should they slip up. He’s an im- from his wife. He hands out autographs from
portant character, not many can go from fat to time to time, depending on the mood.
ripped and breaking out of a jail cell like Iroh.
Illustration by: Catherine Chung
Illustration by: Samantha Moya
11/10, would rewatch Avatar again. 5/10. Don’t scream “BEES!” as you die?

TINO TONITINI: LITERALLY A DEITY JAR JAR BINKS: MEESA HATE MYSELF
If you know a Star Wars fan or were alive
Tino Tonitini is a badass bitch. The guy was for the 96th on-screen death of Liam Nee-
tearing it up on every episode of The Week- son, you’ve definitely heard someone talk
enders. His signature blue shirt with a black about Jar Jar Binks. All the CGI in the
stripe and simple slouchy khakis? Better than world couldn’t save what is possibly the
you’ll look, even on your best day. He was worst thing to happen to a series. Binks has
chilling on the beach with his friends, eating been a thorn in the side of anyone who’s
chili dogs and then kickin’ it at home with tried to enjoy “Duel of the Fates” without
his mom, because Tino valued close, per- flashing back to the word “meesa”. Binks
sonal bonds like a good-ass friend and son can now be found as a plate of calamari in
should. We could all stand to be a little more the Naboo system, and has the honour of
like this clown-fearing, comic-book-loving having his head hung on every nerd’s wall
son of an actually wonderful single mother. only to have them pepper it with darts.

12/10. Someone we should strive -100/10. Fuck him. Whatever you like
to be but can’t. about Episode 1, it’s-a ain’t him.
Illustration by: Catherine Chung Illustration by: Samantha Moya

10
Shit we thought would The anonymous tellings
of an ex-emo
I still get pissed off when I see bad eyeliner just unusual for it to take as long as it took
By Skyler Ash wings, but no one wants makeup advice me. Eventually I looked in the mirror and said
from a guy in a Canadian tuxedo and a Bass “You’re not sad, you’re just an asshole.”
When looking forward to the future, there is Pro Shops hat. So how did I turn myself to the light of
always hope. But when we get there, it’s ac- I’m not the kind of guy that you’d expect to a more chipper attitude? Obviously, I added
tually a shitshow. It’s 2018, and most of you have had an emo phase. I have been playing glitter to my arsenal of eye makeup. I wore
reading this are fresh-faced and doe-eyed, sports for the majority of my life, have al- blue sometimes. I walked up to the plate
like Sleeping Beauty after she wakes up from ways been really into cheesy pop music from with ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’ an-
the world’s most indulgent nap. It wasn’t so the ‘80s and I am very quick to crack a joke. nouncing my arrival. I recognized that men-
long ago that you were sketching out pictures However, from a few years out of my late tal illness is not a fashion sense, and stood
of the kind of life you would lead and falling teens, I was equal parts fabulous and furious. beside those in my life who were suffering
asleep dreaming about what it would be like Being that angry all of the time is ex- genuine problems.
when you were older. But things probably This is an image of a hoverboard. Hover- hausting, and I’m sure my eyes would
haven’t turned out that way. | PHOTO: ALANNA RIZZA have had black circles around them even if
Here’s a very surprisingly sad list of things I hadn’t drawn them on. My only bits of
we thought would have happened by now, they printed a surplus of money after be- joy were from when I was able to get My “You’re not sad,
you’re just an
but haven’t! ing broke as fuck at the end of the Second Chemical Romance played at school danc-
Hoverboards. We did see hoverboards World War, but maybe they were onto es or in the dressing room before hockey
pop up a few years ago, but they’re not ac-
tually floating, so it doesn’t count. In my
something. I don’t want to get into an ar-
gument about why it was a terrible idea,
games, before I would go home and dance
alone to my Wham ‘Best Of’ CD. asshole”
opinion, they shouldn’t even be called hov- but just pretend for a second it worked, Perhaps best, and worst, of all was that
erboards because they don’t even fly. I won’t and think for a minute about all the good my Tumblr was absolute fire. It was the
sleep peacefully until I know that I can float it could do. Didn’t think that in the second whole nine yards: makeup guides, black I don’t regret these years, per se. That
at least three inches above the ground like millenium we’d still be this fucking unhelp- and white photos with quotes so edgy you’d Marilyn Manson concert was pretty sick, de-
Marty McFly in Back to the Future II. ful to those less fortunate than us. cut your eyes just reading them and poetry spite the fact that he had swine flu and kept
Gender equality. You think in a seem- Cleaner oceans. So, our oceans are full that would make Dr. Seuss banish rhyming spitting on the audience. Everybody goes
ingly progressive and modern society, women of even more garbage than ever. Never words from his vocabulary. My followers through phases, and sometimes that’s exactly
and gender non-conforming people wouldn’t thought it was possible, you filthy bums. became my true friends, meaning that I had what they are, no matter how aggressively
be treated like street trash that’s been feasted We can’t possibly get any lower than this. zero and zero. you deny it and no matter how many buckles
upon by the nastiest gang of sewer rats you’ve How, for the love of god, are people still That was exactly the problem: In acting are on your pleather jacket.
ever seen, but nope! We are no more progres- dumping garbage in the oceans? Yeah, it’s out a feigned rage that I would later learn is I completely nuked that Tumblr account,
sive than a slow-growing piece of mold on super convenient to just drop it and go, but called hormones, I had completely alienated though. I needed the help of an old priest, a
a hunk of cheese (that rats are probably also knock it off! myself. Granted it’s not unusual for teenag- young priest and a nun but it’s back in hell
feasting on). Our children will be swimming through ers to be angsty and then grow out of it, it’s where it belongs.
Tube travel. Don’t know if it was just me deep pools of old Nature Valley bar wrap-
who thought about this, but I thought by pers, half-drunk off-brand sodas and old
now I’d be able to hop in a bubble and travel tissues. Please, have some decency and
through a tube, like Willy Wonka’s eleva- clean up after yourselves.
tor, but 10,000 times cooler. This would be So I guess the future isn’t all flying cars,
much more efficient than sitting on the 401 humans living in cool glass houses where
and crying when Sarah McLachlan plays ev- every floor has a slide next to the staircase
ery 10 minutes on the way home. Sadly, the and basic human rights are the norm, but
only tube I know of is the musty old subways here we are, kiddos. This is your life now.
in England. Pat yourself on the back, privileged white
Little-to-no poverty. I know the Ger- men, but literally everyone and everything
man government made a mistake when else, you’re totally fucked.
This is not the anonymous ex-emo who wrote the article. | PHOTO: NAHIAN IQBAL

Camp nostalgia
If you ask me now, as a 20-year-old, to de- let’s call him Country Sam. It started out
scribe sleepaway camp, I’ll give you three words: great—Sam grew up in a small town while
sex, shenanigans, average camping skills. I grew up in the city, so it was nice learning
The biggest problem that camp had was re- about a different way of life from him.
By Premila D’Sa It was the best part of their summer. God minding us of the rules constantly. One morn- He showed me how to fish. He tried intro-
were they real fucking glad to get their daugh- ing while we were lined up, some counsellors ducing me to country music (big nope). But
So here’s the thing: every summer my parents ter off a couch, away from her beloved Buffy came down to talk to us about some basic when summer came to an end, we went on
would see me off, driving me to a random reruns. They also felt good even though I was housekeeping. No fraternizing? Standard. No our separate buses and headed back home. As
parking lot with big yellow school buses that miles away from them. “She’s receiving les- sharing personal items? Some people really do soon as I got back to the city, the light hit me
were set to roll me out three hours away from sons in discipline,” they thought. “Personal need the reminder. No gambling? Yeah, okay. and I looked back at that fling. I couldn’t be-
them. I was part of a Canadian youth military responsibility, generally building a good, de- Wait what? No gambling? lieve that I spent most of a summer missing
program and every summer my parents made pendable character,” they thought. That night there were at least three ille- out on hanging with cool camp buddies so I
sure I was signed up for some important- Little did they know every year they sent gal poker games after 6 p.m. We gambled could sit on some grass with a boy I had noth-
sounding course that had me living on a mili- their sweet, sheltered, suburban daughter to a anything we could—money, obviously, but ing in common with while pretending to like
tary base for a couple of weeks. mecca of degeneracy. also good candy, fancy laundry detergent, country music. Country music.
shower products—real important commodi- When I returned the next summer I learned
ties at camp. to value my friendships and my time. I now
Let’s get back to the no fraternizing part. speak up for what I want (no country music!).
The most shocking part of camp are the weird Looking back at camp I didn’t realize how
places people found to do things. Kids got great it was to have a place to fuck up, and
creative, hiding in the bushes near the lake, then be able to leave those fuck-ups behind
the canoes that were left on dry land and any and come back home. Every grown-up that
random sheds. Why did every camp have an experienced the unadulterated bliss of sleep-
unused random shed? away summer camps keeps the secrets of
There’s also this unknown effect that takes those summers hidden away. That is until we
over you at camp that makes you consider run into someone who didn’t go to camp, then
people you know you wouldn’t give the time we want to talk your fucking ear off about all
of day to when those yellow buses took you the cool shit you missed out on. Just don’t tell
Camp is where you can literally fuck up as many times as you like | PHOTO: ALANNA RIZZA back home. This one summer it was a boy, our parents about it.
11
Living a week with
You are not a ‘90s kid tech from 2002
Here’s hoping you call yourselves by your real name: 2000s Kids Also known as a week of absolute hell

By Sera Wong
By Katie Swyers
So what did we even do way back in 2002, without all of this
Ninety per cent of you reading this fancy schmancy tech stuff? What did we do without You-
sentence are, in fact, not ‘90s kids. But Tube? Google Maps? Did we actually have to talk to people,
some of your profs are. face to face? Did we have to use actual maps?
To be a ‘90s kid, you must have been With only the primitive technology from 2002 to rely on,
a child during the ‘90s—not an infant, we’ve got a long week ahead of us but let’s break it down
fetus, or still in the sack/tube. just to see how screwed we are. I’m going to warn you now,
While commonly co-opted by those literally the only good thing about this will be the return of
who were born in the late ‘90s and Blockbuster.
who have, until recently, identified as a Day one: In the morning, you’ll wake yourself up using
child, most true ‘90s kids were actually an actual alarm clock with a shitty noise and not iPhone
born in the ‘80s. To be a ‘90s child, you Ringtone Number 45, because there’s no such thing as a
must actually remember the ‘90s. smartphone yet. When you go downstairs, maybe you
So, if you’ve only ever seen reruns of want to read the news, so you pick up a dusty newspaper
the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, have no memory of life pre-internet, had to Google what Y2K was and skim the pages. You’ll turn on the TV to watch while
and have never rented (or had to rewind) a VHS tape from a store, you are not a ‘90s kid. you eat breakfast. The internet is a scarce thing and the
I spoke to Ryerson professors born in the mid to late ‘80s, who have felt frustration over world seems harsher.
their identity being jacked by Gen Z students. In order to protect their Rate My Professors Spotify hasn’t been created yet, but iPods are around, so
ratings and tenure track, all three have requested anonymity. you get started on your shitty commute to school. You bring
“They’re so... young. It’s like they had no idea that Adam Sandler used to actually be funny,” a literal, physical, actual book to read on the TTC. You’re
said one undisclosed computer science professor, who requested to only be known as MS-DOS. wearing a watch because otherwise, you have no clue what
“I had one student say they loved Nirvana so much, seeing them live was on their bucket time it is.
list,” said MS-DOS. In class, you take notes with a pencil and paper while
“That moment defined my pre-teen years, the flannel I wore during that time has never the professor writes on a whiteboard. By the end of it, your
been the same! Kurt was my first heartbreak. I bet they don’t even HAVE an opinion on hands are cramping, there are eraser shavings in places there
whether Courtney did it or not. FOR SHAME!” shouldn’t be, and you missed half of the material because the
Another professor, Ms. Frizzle, lamented over professor wrote too fast. At home there’s nothing to do so
how “these kids never had the struggle of going you stare at a wall for six hours.
through puberty searching for your parents’ porn Day two: Much of the same, except you forget your watch
stash and blowing into your Nintendo cartridge and lose all concept of space and time.
“They can pry my Game with all your lungs’ might.” Day three: You forget how to spell a word while (hand)
Boy Color from my cold “They can pry my Game Boy Colour from my
cold dead hands, bitch.”
writing an essay. It takes you 15 minutes to find a real dic-
tionary and then it takes you two whole minutes to find
dead hands, bitch” For the record, Ms. Frizzle really likes the Magic the word.
School Bus and hopes that you all got the reference. If Day four: You try to download Eminem’s “Lose Yourself”
not, she requests you make mistakes and get messy, off LimeWire but instead the audio file is just the entire
script of the first Shrek movie.
like she did “by swearing in front of student journalists.” Day five: You miss your bus stop and have no clue how to
Another professor, known by their childhood MSN nickname, Frosted_tips_rMYjam, was get back home because Google Maps is dead and by exten-
born in 1985 and considers the ‘90s “their era.” sion, so are you.
“From five to 15, a lot happens. I’m a ‘90s kid, not an ‘80s kid, what do I remember from Day six: You visit your local Blockbuster and the next
1989? I was four!” thing you know it’s 9 p.m., the store’s closing, and you’ve
Frosted_tips_rMYjam describes themselves as “a low-key Myspace star” during college. just spent four hours walking up and down those aisles.
“I overheard some students talking about forgotten social media sites from the past, their Time well-spent but you didn’t even find a copy of Ameri-
conversation was primarily about Vine.” Frosted_tips was not amused. “I was actually friends can Beauty.
with Tom from Myspace, like we messaged, I can judge!” Day seven: You want to make plans with your friend. You
None of the professors were willing to comment on the Pokémon Go vs the original play- call their number (you’ve memorized it, because that’s what
ing cards debate. One asked me to leave their office when the topic was raised. everyone did back in the day) and they don’t pick up. You log
So please stop posting 2000s-era things and saying, “only ‘90s kids will remember.” You’ll all on to MSN Messenger and they’re not online. You have no
be claiming to be 2000s kids when trucker hats make their unfortunate comeback anyways. idea where the fuck they are so you send a carrier pigeon to
deliver your message. It’s absolute chaos because the pigeon
is the literal embodiment of hell.
As you hang out, playing catch and discussing the ins and
outs of Paul Martin’s election campaign, life is good. Despite
all you’ve learned from your week, you really fucking want
Twitter back.

All illustrations and the world’s thanks go to Pernia Jamshed.

12
Lessons I learned from Arthur
By Maeve Bunga Put yourself in someone else’s shoes
Episode: Poor Muffy
Learn to laugh at yourself Muffy discovers she is allergic to the carpet
Episode: Revenge of the Chip in her house and has to stay with Francine
When D.W. and Binky each eat a green while it is removed. While there, she misses
potato chip and are tricked into thinking they all the luxuries of her upper-class lifestyle. She
are poisonous, they decide to live every day is baffled by everything in Francine’s life, like
like their last. After being informed that the her two-bedroom apartment and her leftovers
chips are, in fact, perfectly safe, D.W. suffers for dinner. She doesn’t understand why Fran-
from the embarrassment of her story being cine’s dad doesn’t have a job where he makes PHOTO: RANEEM ALOZZI
spread around. When she finds out her mom more money, and when she questions him
has been telling people what happened, she
feels betrayed. Binky goes on a show called
about this he tells her he likes his life and ap-
preciates the time his job allows him to spend Live, laugh, love
“You Do The Most Embarrassing Things”, with his family. She leaves, but reflects on
where he tells his story with a ballet perfor- how much fun Francine and her family are, By Raneem Alozzi are a rarity.
mance. Binky’s friends go to the taping of the and returns for one more night with her best A few Google searches showed me the de-
show to support him, laughing with him and friend. This is a common theme in Muffy and My favourite romantic comedy of all time is cline in romantic comedies has actually been
cheering him on. This teaches D.W. that we Francine’s storyline. As unlikely friends from Chasing Liberty. The first time I watched it, I studied. After multiple ground-breaking suc-
all do embarrassing things, and it’s good to be different financial backgrounds, their friend- was staying over at my grandmother’s house. cesses in the late ‘90s and early 2000s, rom-
able to laugh at yourself sometimes. ship takes a lot of openness and respect. It always smells like hearty breakfast food at coms fell flat, unable to meet set expectations.
that time of the day and my sitto didn’t care As a result of that, movie studios stopped
Don’t fear the unknown Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not about what I did or watched as long as I ate putting money towards them because they
Episode: Sue Ellen Moves In Episode: World’s Greatest Gleeper while doing it. As a result, I had a cinemati- would result in immense losses.
Arthur and Buster look into a house Buster tells the tough kids that Arthur is cally rich childhood.
through the windows, trying to figure out great at stealing. Arthur is welcomed into the I remember crying when Anna Foster real-
who their new neighbors are. Suspicious of ‘Tough Customers’, and gains a bad reputa- ized her first-ever date was being spied on by
the new girl, Sue Ellen, they theorize she is tion. Some of his friends even start to believe her parents. And then again, when her par- with you, it stays
an art thief on the run, or an alien from outer
space. Buster’s mom interviews the family for
it. When Mr. Haney gives Arthur a warning,
his lack of punishment makes the group sus-
ents’ spies followed her across Prague. And
a final time, when she realized that Ben, her
with you forever
the local paper and invites them over for din- picious. They tell Arthur to steal the ice cream European beau, was actually a spy hired by her
ner. After hearing about their life and travels bars from the cafeteria in order to prove his father. You get the picture.
all over the world, Buster and Arthur change thieving ability. Arthur gets caught and de- I wasn’t the president’s daughter, but I Once upon a time, romantic comedies
their stance on Sue Ellen. It’s not uncommon cides to come clean, resulting in his imme- could understand overprotective parents and were relatable. Recently they’ve fallen flat
for adults—let alone kids—to fear the un- diate rejection from the group. This episode the urge to be spontaneous and just go any- because our world is constantly changing,
known and this episode is a helpful lesson in demonstrates the slippery slope that comes where. I was a naturally curious child and I’ve and the way we perceive romance is chang-
accepting and learning about new things and with lying to look cool. Who knows, maybe always been a romantic. The film checked off ing too. I’ll always love a good enemies-
people, rather than rejecting them out of fear. Arthur could’ve been stealing cars by now. all the right boxes for me. turned-to-lovers story trope, but I can still
Romantic comedies aren’t necessarily the love it without compromising a character for
best films out there. Very few that fall square- the story. Recycling classic storylines is fine,
ly under that genre have ever won awards or but only when they’ve been adjusted to fit
my very first fitted broken box office records. But they’re still our society and culture today.
films that matter. Romantic comedies are far from perfect.
Ironically enough, rom-coms encompass If we’re being honest, some of them are in-
emotions and nuances we all relate to, regard- credibly problematic, like the original Six-
less of what you think of them. We can all rec- teen Candles, 50 First Dates and unfortunately,
ognize feelings of heartbreak, mutual pining, The Notebook. And so I like to think they’re
laughter when it is particularly inappropriate a little more human and relatable than the
and of course, love. rest of the movie genres. But there was a
So you can imagine my disappointment time when creators were able to tailor our
when romantic comedies slowly became less experiences and have them reflect back at us
funny, less romantic and less frequent. The on-screen a little more accurately then they
Ugly Truth? We love it when guys judge our have in the past decade.
sex appeal while mansplaining our lifestyle. People say rom-coms are making a come-
Silver Linings Playbook won an Oscar for back and I think I might start believing it.
misrepresenting people with mental illnesses, But until they do, I’ll kick back and watch
and who approved the production of The Kiss- Chasing Liberty for the 500th time because
ing Booth anyway? Of course, every now and when a film resonates with you, it stays with
then a good one would pop up, but even those you forever.

PHOTO: ALANNA RIZZA


York Cosmos soccer jersey, and any Gap learn to embrace it, the same way I’ve ac-
sweater I wore while in Niagara Falls for a cepted the sweat stains I often develop while
family vacay. It gave me the power to express participating in my Intro to Philosophy class.
lessons that have shaped me into the man I am today myself, wherever and whenever. Instead of hiding them, I simply raise my
arms toward the nearest vent.
By Bryan Meler glasses, and for my headphones to blast 50 Naturally, some people weren’t a fan of my

I paired this
Cent’s “Window Shopper” or Papa Roach’s hat. Some kids went as far as to tell me that
It all started with a $40 gift card to Champs “Last Resort.” I looked like Tila Tequila’s thong during a
Sports. It was a generous birthday gift, one I
got from my best friend in the third grade. It
It was a black cap with a big black New York
Yankees logo, joined by another 100 smaller
muthafucka with weekend in Baltimore. I’ll admit, it hurt. So
much that I did spend some nights crying into
was also one that changed my life forever.
As I made my way into Champs, I went
versions around it, but in either silver or gold.
To put it simply, I looked fresh. Because it was
my church pants my Webkinz while pounding Dunk-a-roos.
But I obviously did develop some thicker skin,
straight to the bin labelled with a big “SALE” also only $20, I got to throw in an Air Jordan ultimately buying an “I Love Haters” fitted by
sign. It was a rabbit hole, a place where be- headband. But I would start wearing that in middle school.
dazzled G-Units and shiny synthetic orange high school, and only because I had first made Because of how often I wore it while Now when I look back on my Yankees cap,
Charlotte Bobcats fits found their place. It was my way up after accessorising and building sweating buckets on Miniclip.com or at my I still get emotional because of all the lessons
at that moment I found a hat that spoke to me. my confidence with my fitted. local Laser Quest, my fitted’s design would and morals it taught me—like when to admit
In other words, one that fit my young melon, It didn’t matter what I wore. I paired this start to eventually fade out, giving the origi- you’re wrong. But thankfully, my fashion
giving my ears enough space to still hold my muthafucka with my church pants, my North nal black colour a rusted look. But I would sense has always been on fucking point.
13
The top 10 throwback karaoke tracks A love letter
that clap back everytime to Old skewl
By Maggie Macintosh sound.” This middle-school banger by Estelle and Kanye r-N-b
brings me right back to the glory days of the Nano. Since Aaliyah, this is for you.
If only I could find my iPod Nano, Walkman or karaoke it starts with the letter A, it was always the first song I
machine to honour my puberty playlists... saw on my tiny black-and-white screen when I opened up By Lidia Abraha
Thankfully, karaoke bars are everywhere and double the songs tab. Select this upbeat 2008 jam for karaoke and
as musical time capsules. They often have booklets that you’re guaranteed to feel both invincible and nostalgic for This is for all of the block parties, cookouts and playground thotties
list thousands of hits, which makes choosing a bop su- the Nano. we can never forget. These are the tunes that always make me remi-
per overwhelming. To help you choose, I made a com- I Miss You – Blink-182 nisce about being an awkward, fun-loving tween. Looking back, a
prehensive list of tunes for stress-free karaoke! You know that cool role model you always looked up lot of these songs have unsavoury messages that, had they come out
Where is the Love? – The Black Eyed Peas to as a tween? The one who was at least two years older today, as a black feminist, I couldn’t imagine celebrating. But these
We all hate to love The Black Eyed Peas and love than you, always seemed authentic as f*ck and had the songs are from a time when we were sheltered from worldly contro-
to hate them. And for good reason—everything went best music taste? For me, that was my oldest cousin Ju- versies. And I’m extremely nostalgic of those times.
downhill after “I Gotta Feeling.” But hey, their gold- lian—who, for the record, is still the coolest dude I know. Here’s a review of some classic jams that will never go out of style,
en years were as golden as they get. Had “Where is I only saw Jules about once a year since he grew up in and most certainly will never be forgotten.
the Love?” been released today, the kids would call it Los Angeles, but when I saw him, he always gave me the What’s Luv? – Fat Joe (feat. Ja-Rule & Ashanti)
“woke.” This song from 2003 reminds me of the doz- scoop on the best songs. He loved Blink-182, so naturally, A classic radio hit with all the stars of the early 2000s R&B era. It’s
ens of hours I spent watching lyric videos on YouTube I too came to love Blink-182. This 2003 hit is the perfect great when you were too young to know this is the original f*ckboy
growing up. Also, fun fact: Justin Timberlake is fea- karaoke song if you want to reminisce on your “rebel- anthem. Fat Joe is actually a genius for that, because he drowns out
tured in this song. It’s a common misconception that lious” and “alternative” pop punk days. Don’t blink twice, objectifying lyrics like “Ass is fat, frame is little” and “I wanna chick
Fergie sings the soft pre-chorus. pick this song at karaoke! with thick hips that licks her lips,” with a BOPPING tune that you
have to bounce to. Despite the misogyny, this is a tune that comes
with fond memories of playground thotties and middle school dances.
Are You That Somebody? – Aaliyah
The classic, long-lost angel and a pillar of today’s music. It’s unfor-
tunate we never got to address her odd relationship with her mentor
R. Kelly. But hey, it’s not the first, nor the only time he got away with
having controversial relationships with young girls. And that could
never take away from the greatness that is Aaliyah Dana Haughton.
This song brings me back to times I sang to myself in the mirror.

I’m nostalgic of a time when


Mario was still relevant

Just a Friend 2002 – Mario


I’m nostalgic of a time when Mario was still relevant and he was
coming out with soulful bangers, one after another. I really used to
appreciate this song before I grew up to realize it’s just another sad
The Eyeopener team practicing their karaoke skills shortly before they made The Voiceopener, a karaoke “friend zone” song. Whatever, it’s still a banger in my books.
music collective dedicated to singing throwbacks only. Cry Me a River – Justin Timberlake
| PHOTO: KATIE SWYERS
When Justin left NSYNC it broke our hearts, but this single glued
Every single ABBA song in existence No Scrubs – TLC them back together. I don’t even know if this song makes me nostal-
“Angel Eyes.” “Dancing Queen.” “Mamma Mia.” TLC taught me everything I know about dating: don’t gic because I still play it every other week. You know when that killer
“Money Money Money.” “Waterloo.” There’s a rea- chase anyone who makes you cry (“Waterfalls”), you have Timbaland beat drops it’s time to karaoke. Cue the rain drops.
son their album is called Gold: Greatest Hits. ABBA is to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else
Sweden’s greatest accomplishment—besides Ikea, and (“Unpretty”) and don’t EVER trust a scrub (“No Scrubs”). Dilemma – Nelly (feat. Kelly
the 480 days of paid parental leave. Needless to say, no This trio of badass women is a karaoke throwback like no Rowland)
ABBA song should be left unsung at any karaoke bar. other. Queue up this 1999 song with your gal pals. The music video is a perfect
ABBA makes me reminiscent of the chunky speaker Complicated – Avril Lavigne snapshot of early 2000s relation-
system I grew up with in my living room, and the dance It’s emotional as hell. This 2002 song has the catchi- ships. Guys dressed in oversized
parties my little sister, my mom and I had. Also, the in- est chorus ever written. And it’s by Avril, so of course it jerseys, sitting on the front porch
nocence of weekday underwear. made the cut. I am so thankful I grew up during the era and hollering at girls moving in
Everytime We Touch – Cascada of Avril because I can always count on a laugh, even if I across the street… it shows you
Today, when I hear the intro to “Everytime We Touch” just think about her influence on a young, impressionable that times haven’t really changed.
my heart beats just as fast as it did when I was jumping Maggie Macintosh. I took up skateboarding because of Nonetheless, this song makes
to the beat with my gal pals during Much Video Dances. her and my fashion choices suffered greatly—from loose me reminisce over a simpler
With my friends by my side and Cascada blasting from ties to army pants, thick eyeliner to pink streaks. time with limited technology.
the speakers, the sweaty gym filled with kids on the cusp Together Again – Janet Jackson Kelly was texting her boyfriend
of puberty felt like a safe haven. This 2007 karaoke song This 1997 track at karaoke can cure anything—a bad through Microsoft Excel on a flip
is a real work-out for the lungs, but it’s best sung as loud day? The common cold? You name it! This song is pure phone in this video. This scene
as humanly possible. magic and I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to omit from your resurfaced on the internet as a
Beautiful Soul – Jesse McCartney playlist. As I listened to this track on the bus ride home meme, to which Kelly responded
I understood what it meant to like like boys the first from grade school, I had to resist the urge to grapevine. to in Bustle with “No one was
time a blonde, blue-eyed, baby-faced Jesse McCartney Love in This Club – Usher (feat. Young Jeezy) thinking in 2018, ‘17, ‘16, that
appeared on Family Channel. I wanted to be cruising Last and definitely least, but still necessary to include someone was going to bring that
down the highway with his teenage friends and I most because Usher was somehow as much a part of growing up.” The director of this video
definitely wanted to be in the pool scene. I promise you up in the early 2000s as watching Kim Possible. These lyr- underestimated millennials su-
the experience of belting out “Beautiful Soul” during ics are trash and just plain creepy. Regardless, this 2008 perior technological strength.
karaoke is enhanced 100 million per cent if the lyrics song is an iconic karaoke jam. We recommend to sing this Sadly, Kelly had to suffer the
are overlaid on the original 2004 music video. song ironically and sing it loud at karaoke. I find it hard to consequences.
American Boy – Estelle (feat. Kanye West) believe we used to slow dance to this song at public school
My R&B hearthrob from the 2000s: Trey Songz | PHOTO: Catherine Cha
A wise man once said, “This a number one champion dances. Gross.
14
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SCC OPEN HOUSE


the Municipal Elections Edition
Thursday, OCT. 18, 2018
Municipal Issues 11am-3pm:
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