4 Causes of INFJ Stress (And How to Beat Them)

By Molly Owens

INFJs are highly perceptive of their environment and other people. They are deeply empathetic and often
understand others better than they understand themselves. They work hard for the common good, commit, and
follow through. And they are perhaps more likely than any other personality type to experience anxiety.

The relationship between these traits is fairly solid. One recent study published in an Israeli academic journal
suggests that anxiety can be positively correlated with elevated empathy. People who care deeply for others tend to
be much more anxious than those who are less empathetic - although the science is less clear about causality. Does
empathy make people more prone to anxiety, or are anxious people better at understanding others?

An equally significant aspect of stress is that it can actually make a person less generous and caring toward others.
When stress rises, empathy suffers. No matter how empathetic you are to begin with, under stress, you're more
likely to interpret neutral events as hostile ones and displace frustration onto those around you. As this fascinating
study shows, it also makes you less likely to feel someone else's pain.

For INFJs, these studies make interesting reading. They hint at something you may have noticed in yourself -
specifically, that you experience higher stress levels compared to other personality types and that, under stress,
your ability to stand in another's shoes is severely compromised. INFJs have a reputation for becoming sarcastic,
narrow-minded and critical under pressure, often lashing out at others in ways you can barely comprehend.

What triggers such uncomfortable behavior? Let's take a closer look.

#1: Dealing with details

Too many details or other sensory stimuli can provoke a stress reaction in INFJs, especially when you feel
uncertain about a situation. Unexpected environments, events or interruptions unsettle you greatly since you are
forced to focus on immediate, sensory details rather than relying on your intuition. Examples range from filing
your taxes to navigating your way through a foreign city.

As you start to lose your global perspective, you may make frustrating and stressful mistakes. For example, you
may misplace or drop things. You may obsess about the minute details and become fixated on finding the "right"
or "missing" piece of data that will solve your problem. Or you may attempt to control everything around you,
compulsively alphabetizing your DVD collection or putting things permanently and immediately in order.

Interestingly, the focus of your obsession may have nothing to do with the situation that caused the stress reaction
in the first place. And since your labor is misdirected, it is unlikely to produce any meaningful results - causing
even greater stress.

How to beat it: Removing the sensory stimulation is essential if yo u are to restore a feeling of balance. Consider
lying down for 10 minutes, in the dark, with earplugs in order to block the sensory overload, and make sure you
get a good night's sleep. In the long-term, learn to recognize the signs of overstimulation and take steps to mitigate
them. For example, you might switch off the relentless email, music, bright lights etc and schedule a break from
some of these distractions.

#2: Too much extroverting

Crowds, noise, frequent interruptions - INFJs need their personal space and may experience great anxiety if they
have too much contact with people in one day. Faced with such provocations, there's a risk that you will spread
yourself so thin responding to other people's problems that you neglect your own needs.

In such situations, your stress reaction tends to go one of two ways. Either you shut down from the world,
communicating very little. Or you externalize blame and become angry with the world around you; a type of
anxiety that will continue to plague you until you can escape to a low-pressure, solitary environment.

How to beat it: INFJs agree that regular periods of solitude in a simple, non -threatening environment is important
to help them regain their equilibrium. You need to give yourself the time to recover from social interactions so you
can stop feeling the emotions of others and start reconnecting with yourself. Exercising alone is helpful, and some
INFJs find great solace in nature. Other stress busters include light reading, writing in a journal or meditation .

#3: Lack of autonomy and efficiency

Controlled and structured work environments that do not provide the flexibility to think independently are
extremely stressful for INFJs. You establish very high, often perfectionist, standards for yourself and need t he
freedom to creatively accomplish these goals. Inefficiency or teams that have no sense of direction will also string
you out since they stifle your ability to produce something significant.

When overwhelmed at work, you are likely to focus on all the things that are wrong with the environment. You
may start micromanaging others, feeling like you have to do all the work yourself. Or you may become picky and
fault-finding toward your co-workers, trying to change their behavior "for their own good."

How to beat it: You tend to see your environment as a house of straws that could collapse on you at any time. To
avoid stress, you need to constantly reinforce the structure and make sure you have enough room to maneuver.

Ideally, find a quiet space to think and work. If that's not possible, redirect the phone, shut down your email and
pop on a pair of headphones. Establish rules for when and how work is delivered and how much others may
interrupt you - and make sure that you are available within these slots. This is important since you tend to be hard
on yourself when you cannot meet others' expectations.

#4: Distress with close relationships

INFJs are particularly vulnerable to hurt feelings when there is conflict within a close relationship. Feeling
chronically misunderstood can strike at the heart of your authenticity and bring into question your value when a
friend or partner seems opposed to your opinion. You also have a tendency to absorb the beliefs and feelings of
others as if they were your own. When external conflict grows, so too does your sense of personal discomfort.

In a low-pressure environment, you typically will put up with many things in a relationship for the sake of keeping
the peace. But there is always an invisible line that others shall not cross. When they do, your stress reactions can
be cataclysmic. An angry INFJ can deliver a wrath and intensity that most people have probably never experienced
before.

How to beat it: There are really only two ways to handle a stressful relationship: disso ciate from the situation or
call a friend and gripe. It's probably wise to do both. Spending time alone will allow you to separate your feelings
from those of the other person and understand yourself without distortion. Talking to someone can help put thos e
feelings into perspective since you tend to solve problems by articulating them.

If you feel uncomfortable blabbing about your problems (let's face it, no INFJ enjoys airing their dirty laundry in
public) reconnecting with your intuition can offer the sa me catharsis. You have a habit of dropping all your
favorite activities when stressed, but the time to relax is when the molehills are erupting into mountains. It really
does help to give yourself permission to be creative, put your intuition back in charg e and honor your muse.
 How INFJs Can Get Over Those Pesky Trust Issues

By Jane Tompson

Most Introverts, and especially Intuitive Introverts, find it really hard to trust people. The main reason is that we
have a finite energy for people and need those exhausting interactions to be worth it. We are looking for soulmates,
not tourists in our lives. This makes us very selective when it comes to our friendships and who we let into our rich
inner world.

Throw in the Feeling dimension, and you get a dichoto my: an intuitive observer of people who can spot fakery
from a thousand paces, and a people-lover who is so tender-hearted they believe that another person can never
betray their trust. Sadly, a lot of people are not sincere. INFJs typically have trust iss ues because at some point,
they've placed their trust in someone and have had that trust broken. This doesn't just make them feel vulnerable. It
strikes at the very heart of their value system. When an INFJ is hurt, they have a habit of beating themselves up for
not predicting the poor behavior in the first place.

Unfortunately, you can't grow a network, a family or an empire by yourself. It's OK to be selective with your
relationships, but it's not OK to be afraid of opening up to other people who can help you to grow and achieve your
goals.

So how can INFJs get over those pesky trust issues? Here are some tips.

Define what trust means for each relationship

Remember that performance review when your boss told you the 30 things you did well and the one area for
growth, and all you could think about for weeks afterwards was the one room for improvement?

That's how you tend to view the people you meet.

A common INFJ hallmark is an uncanny ability to read people. You are skilled at observing the little quirks of
behavior that everyone has, and figuring out who can be trusted based on those observations. The problem is, you
can fall into the trap of taking things very personally. You may obsess about the single ambiguity, the one "room
for improvement" in someone's behavior and use that to imagine the worst possible outcomes if you choose to trust
that person. One violation of expectations or inconsistency in behavior can destroy the relationship completely.

Trust makes a relationship click, but it isn't black and white. There are some instances where absolute trust is
absolutely necessary; you may insist, for example, on having the highest level of trust with your spouse. But
consider your other relationships. Does a colleague have to hold the same values, hopes, f ears and ambitions as
you? Or is it enough that they do their job well without playing dirty politics?

Trust is as global or as situation-specific as you need it to be. Recognizing that you don't have to elevate everyone
to the highest level of trust can really put those trust issues into perspective and help you make a balanced personal
judgment, one relationship at a time.

Open up

Trust is a two-way street. You need to give it to get it and vice versa. As an INFJ, it's easy to back away from trust
because you recognize that building those foundations requires excruciating vulnerability. You have to be willing
to let go of who you think you should be in order to be who you really are, since this will allow those genuine
connections to happen.

If you are shuddering at this point, we hear you. INFJs are very protective of their identity. You are super -sensitive
to others and will conceal your true nature in order to blend in or be what the other person needs you to be at any
point in time.

The problem is, when you hide your true nature, you're creating the kind of censorship that makes it really hard for
others to know and trust you. You become the common denominator in your trust issues because who is going to
trust someone who is so walled off and distant?

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in relationships. You have to be willing to lean into the discomfort and
reciprocate when people reach out to you. Open up more. Trust yourself to be a likeable person, to make the right
judgment calls, and to know that if someone lets you down, you will survive that. So you missed the red flags this
time. It won't devastate you.

Revealing a little vulnerability shows that you are indeed a fallible human being. And that combination of empathy,
credibility and vulnerability makes you seem incredibly trustworthy - an essential platform for building a
trust-based relationship.

Stay in the moment

INFJs are future-focused, big picture thinkers. You continually search for the meaning in things. Everything
between and beyond the present is just as real as what currently is. And the natural consequence of this style of
processing is that an endless number of "what ifs" can seep in. "What if I trust her and she hurts me again?" "What
if I let my guard down and the whole relationship fails?"

These "what ifs" can have a stagnating effect on your life and relationships. You can conceptualize the future, but
you can't control it. It is impossible for anyone to plan for some theoretical, imagined catastrophe. Whether you
trust, embrace or forgive someone, whether you give them a first glance or a second chance - these things are
present decisions that can only be based on current realities.

So whenever you find yourself thinking, "What if ..." stop! Tell yourself that you're not going to waste your energy
on long shots and maybes. Instead, focus on your actions in the moment. Enjoy the process of building a trusting
relationship as it comes rather than allowing yourself to be distracted by the fear of a future, hypothetical betrayal.

Jumping into these points should improve your ability to trust from the get -go. Even if you take it really slowly,
they will hopefully help you to understand the meaning of trust and develop deeper and more personalized
relationships with those around you.
 The INFJ’s Guide to Forgiveness

By Molly Owens

Perhaps the most sensitive of all the personality types, INFJs take it hard when someone they trust lets them down.
They tend to hold on to anger longer than they should and are capable of holding a grudge even when the other
person has apologized, repeatedly, for their wrongdoing.

Under these conditions, forgiveness may seem impossible. Even if you want to forgive, you may go back and forth
between accepting the reality of the situation and being consumed with thoughts of bitterness and revenge.

So how do you handle the soul-sucking resentment that comes from being hurt by a person you trusted? Here's an
INFJ's guide to dealing with forgiveness.

1. Walk Away

If you feel yourself getting mad, walk away immediately. Your intensity is a powerful asset, but it can be very
damaging to your relationships if you fall into the anger trap and start yelling at your loved ones.

When you feel yourself getting upset over what happened, do some yoga, watch a movi e, go for a run - do
whatever it takes to help you regain your composure. It makes sense that disagreements can only be handled
effectively if you are calm, rational and objective-not when you are slamming doors or hitting back.

2. Seek First To Understand, Then to Judge

It's easy to have a knee-jerk reaction when someone you trust lets you down, especially when you instinctively
believe that you are right and the other person is wrong. But you can't properly judge something you don't yet
understand.

If you're like most INFJs, you have a burning desire to get your point across and to act upon your version of the
truth. In doing so, you may ignore the other person completely. You'll never know why they behaved the way they
did.

To understand what's really going on, you're going to have to listen to what the other person has to say without
hearing just their words. Active listening, as its name suggests, means listening with your ears, eyes and heart in
order to truly understand the message of the speaker. You're also going to have to consider the blame you share in
the situation. Did your words or actions contribute to the problem? Has there been a monumental
misunderstanding?

You might have to give your intuition time to work through the new information. But i t's only when you know the
other person's motivations that you can decide whether you're ready to move forward with forgiveness.

3. Write How You Feel

If you've made the decision to forgive but can't seem to get past what the other person did, harness the power of
words. Specifically, write a long, brutally honest letter telling the other person how much they have hurt and
angered you, and how hard it is for you to let it go. Don't hold back. Write whatever you are feeling, no matter
how savage or shameful those feelings are.

Read it aloud as if the other person were right there in front of you.

Then tear it up and burn it.

As you watch the smoke rise, imagine all those negative feelings floating off into the air. You might feel a little
ridiculous doing this, but it really does provide a healthy release for all those lingering feelings of resentment.

4. Be Kind, Not Right

Since INFJs tend to imagine the worst possible outcomes, you may worry that if you forgive the other person, they
will do "it" again.

This may be true. The point is, it doesn't matter.

Forgiveness is not about letting the wrongdoer off the hook. It's not about denying reality or validating past
wrongs. And it's not about getting the other person to change their actions. In fact, forgiveness is not about the
other person at all. It's about you, and how you can let go of resentment and stop nursing old wounds.

In short, it's about being kind to yourself. Forgiveness is intended to draw a line under the hurtful situation, so you
can harness all the energy you have squandered on resentment and put it to better use elsewhere. You will still
remember what happened, but you will no longer be compelled to relive the experience. You'll stop being the
victim of someone else's actions and take back control.