The Dartmouth Review Dartmouth’s Only Independent Newspaper

Volume 31, Issue 7

January 27, 2012
The Hanover Review, Inc.
P.O. Box 343
Hanover, NH 03755
Nemo me impune lacessit

So, what happened?

Short answer:
who knows?

Also Inside:
●Why Finnish Classrooms Ace American Ones●
●The Puzzle of Minorities and Conservatism●
●Harbison’s 6th Symphony●The Icy Paths of Hanover●
●Paul Bots Descend on Campus●
●Lucky Mkosona ‘12 Drafted by the Fire●

The Editorial
Dartmouth Review The Campus Controversy
Founders
Greg Fossedal, Gordon Haff,
Benjamin Hart, Keeney Jones
“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win great tri-
umphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take
rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor
suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that
knows neither victory nor defeat.”
—Theodore Roosevelt
Sterling C. Beard
Editor-in-Chief
Miles van Kopp
President
Melanie E. Wilcox • Adam I.W. Schwartzman
Executive Editors
Stuart A. Allan
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Ke Ding • Nicholas P. Desatnick
Managing Editor
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Sports Editors
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Contributors
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William Russell, Henry-Paul Xu, Christopher T. Hopkins,
George A. Mendoza, Billy Strunk, Rebecca Hecht,
Benjamin E. Chuchla, Nigel J. Mills,
Michael T. Haughey, Catie Copley
Mean-Spirited, Cruel and Ugly
Legal Counsel
The Review Advisory Board
Martin Anderson, Patrick Buchanan, Theodore Cooper-
stein, Dinesh D’Souza, Michael Ellis, Robert Flanigan,
John Fund, Kevin Robbins, Gordon Haff, Jeffrey Hart,
Laura Ingraham, Mildred Fay Jefferson, William Lind,
Steven Menashi, James Panero, Hugo Restall, Roland
Reynolds, Weston Sager, Emily Esfahani Smith,
R. Emmett Tyrrell
How about putting a news ticker in the corner?
Cover photo of a Saint of Dartmouth.
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January 27, 2012 The Dartmouth Review Page 3
Yet Again
Hey guys, can we not do this right now? I thought we Wes Schaub, Director of GLOS, is hosting a hazing forum
just got through discussing this. I mean, it’s what this paper this upcoming Monday, though there is no word on if red
dedicated our two final issues of the fall quarter to. The baseball caps are verboten.
controversy around the Greek system, Alpha Chi’s sirens, But then the plot thickened. An article in the D the fol-
and hazing was supposed to be finished. It was supposed to lowing day appeared to rebut many of Lohse’s allegations.
have vanished with the winter break to emerge at its regularly David Spalding stated that he didn’t remember seeing pho-
scheduled appearance during men’s rush next fall. We just tographic evidence of hazing when he and Thompson met
had MLK Day. No controversy there? with Lohse in November 2010, nor did Lohse present him
Winter’s supposed to be one of those times where we with video evidence.
discuss campus drinking, the fact that there’s The administration followed-up, as
very little to do in Hanover besides drink, it turned out, by alerting the Hanover
or the ever continuing problem of sexual Police Department to the possibility of a
assault. Hazing and Greek life have already hazing incident occurring on December
had the limelight this year, but now here they 1, 2010 near Bartlett Tower or the BEMA
are again courtesy of Andrew B. Lohse ’12. and discussed the matter with SAE’s
In the interest of full disclosure, the president. H-Po staked the location out
reader should know that Mr. Lohse was using night-vision equipment (!), also
briefly affiliated with the paper. He left the presumably dressed in ghillie suits with
staff after the fall of 2008 in order to write a Predator UAV flying reconnaissance
for the now defunct Dartmouth Free Press overhead. The H-Po equivalent of SEAL
before going on to write for the Dartmouth Team Six followed people leaving from
Independent and finally the D, making him SAE who wound up in the BEMA, but
perhaps the only student in the College’s reported that the actions they witnessed
history to write for all four publications. All Sterling C. Beard didn’t rise to the level of hazing.
four are mentioned on his LinkedIn profile page. Lohse also wrote an e-mail to Thompson in the summer
I do not know the exact reasons for his leaving, but he of 2011 stating approval of the response, informing her that
apparently found us unpleasant. In his first article for the “word got bacchanneled through National that what was hap-
DFP, “Ex-Reviewer Speaks Out,” he wrote that he’d “met pening had to stop…giving me and others who didn’t like
[his] fair share of intellectually-challenged Reviewers, some hazing a big amount of leverage from the inside with which
who walk hunched-over like homo [sic] erectus,” a charac- to end the practices once and for all.”
terization I think is uncalled for. I’d begun regular bathing Lohse responded by releasing an e-mail from him to
by that point, after all. Thompson dated February 2011 on Dartblog in which he
For those of you who like your news bite-sized, allow wrote that he had provided her and David Spalding with
me to summate. Lohse wrote an editorial for the D accusing pictoral evidence. At Dartblog’s request, he also described
the brotherhood of Sigma Alpha Epsilon of hazing him dur- in great detail his interaction with administrators over the
ing his pledge period. The trials he graphically claimed he matter Lohse responded by releasing an e-mail from him
endured included being forced to: to Thompson dated February 2011 on Dartblog in which
…swim in a kiddie pool full of he wrote that he had provided her and David Spalding with
vomit, urine, fecal matter, semen and pictorial evidence. At Dartblog’s request, he also described in
rotten food products; eat omelets made great detail his interaction with administrators on the matter
of vomit; chug cups of vinegar, which in for about a year, including e-mails, and claimed that he sent
one case caused a pledge to vomit blood; said e-mails to the D.
drink beers poured down fellow pledges’ Whew. Are we all caught up now? You may want to
ass cracks; and vomit on other pledges, reread that again, there’s a lot of information in there. Go
among other abuses. ahead, I’ll wait.
Anyways, this has, predictably, split the campus. You’ve
“As a pledge,” he writes, “I ceased to be a human be- got Greek traditionalists on one side who argue that what
ing; instead, I became ‘whale shit.’” He also accuses the Lohse has printed is flat out untrue, or, at the very least,
brotherhood of SAE of implicitly encouraging him and his couldn’t have been more exaggerated if SAE’s pledge trainer
fellow pledges to treat Dartmouth women “with about the had been described holding a small dog, chanting “it puts
same respect with which we treated each other in our social the lotion on the skin, or else it gets the hose again!” At first
spaces: none.” blush that might seem to be the case; how’d SAE’s brothers
Wild stories of pledge period are nothing new on campus supposedly fill a kiddie pool with those liquids? That’s dozens
and many might dismiss the story as created from whole cloth of gallons of the stuff, and none of what was listed could
were it not for the fact that he also claims a few paragraphs possibly be produced on demand. Where were they storing
later to have discussed his pledge period with high-level this stuff prior to the event? For the folks on this side of the
administrators like President Kim’s Chief of Staff David debate, Lohse is damaged goods. The fact that he revealed
Spalding ’76 and April Thompson, Associate Dean of the he’s writing a book about all this in an interview with Busi-
College for Campus Life. Moreover, he did so with “related ness Insider doesn’t help.
media,” which could mean pictures, video, or sound. On the other side you have people who, for whatever
He found the administration’s response lackluster, seem- reason, dislike the Greek system and/or the administration.
ingly discovering what many in the Dartmouth community This incident offers the convenience of two birds for one stone.
have thought for years: the administration is inept. To his SAE gets to play the all-purpose bogeyman while President
chagrin, he recounts the house coming under serious scrutiny Jim Kim is relegated to ineptness. Even some of those who
based on a “trifling” tip: a professor overheard two pledges think Lohse isn’t being straightforward insist that isn’t the real
discussing vomiting milk. Supposedly under pressure from issue because Kim failed to throw on his Superman pajamas
the house’s officers, the pledges gave “preconceived, false and sprint across the Green to kick down SAE’s doors.
denials.” Regardless of where one falls, everyone would be best
He ends his piece by proposing a few extreme solutions advised to cool their jets for a bit. The facts are still emerg-
like forcing all Greek houses to go co-ed or suspending ing, and much will depend on the ballyhooed pictures that
Greek life “indefinitely until a suitable, positive alternative Lohse claims to have presented to the administration. If and
is devised.” when they come to light, we’ll still have to exercise caution;
An early draft of Lohse’s editorial was also leaked to a picture may be worth a thousand words, but those words
Dartblog and separately to the administration, though by are decided by who’s doing the speaking and the listening.
who in both cases is unclear. Just as a picture of someone with an outstretched arm can be
The administrative response was, predictably, milque- seen as a violent act or a friendly gesture, a picture of alleged
toast. Dean Charlotte Johnson sent out a campus wide e-mail hazing could be showing the real deal or something unrelated.
that didn’t really say much other than that they did investigate That caution is unlikely to occur, unfortunately. Right
the matter and, yes, they do, in fact, occasionally discipline now, only Andrew Lohse and the brothers of SAE know what
people for charges far less Homeric than what Lohse wrote. really happened. ■
 Page 4 The Dartmouth Review January 27, 2012

The Week in Review

SOPA and PIPA
The Stop Online Piracy Act (“SOPA”), introduced by
Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX) in the House as H.R. 3261 last
October, has caught millions of Americans’ attention. Wiki-
pedia, which has over 365 million viewers per year, protested
against SOPA by shutting down for twenty-four hours on the
18th. Google did not shut down, but plastered a black bar
blocking its famous homepage iconic doodle, garnering over
seven million Americans’ signatures in its petition against
the anti-piracy laws in Congress. SOPA and the Protect IP
Act (“PIPA”), the latter introducted as S.B. 968 by Patrick
Leahy (D-VT) in May 2011, have the admirable goals of
combating foreign-based websites that have pirated materials;
however, the unintended consequences of the two pending
bills far outweigh its goals of prohibiting piracy sites, and
are eerily reminscent of a “Big Brother” society.
SOPA intends to prevent people from downloading illegal
materials from foreign websites. This can be accomplished in
two ways. First, websites can be blocked. Google and other
search engines would have to block certain websites from
their web indexes. Second, the cashflow to these sites can be
blocked by stopping financial providers from giving money
to these sites, cutting off advertising networks, or a mixture
of both. This seems to be good since online piracy is im-
moral and piracy website hosts steal money from companies.
What is perhaps more immoral, however, are the unintended
consequences as a result of SOPA/PIPA that has grasped the
attention of millions of Americans.
Under SOPA, a website deemed “illegal” by U.S.
standards cannot properly defend itself. Unlike the Digital
Millennium Copyright Act (“DMCA”), useful against do-
mestic based sides like Napster, SOPA gives internet sites a
timeline to discard copyright materials. If a YouTube user
posts a published song, violating copyright laws, the federal
government will contact YouTube to ask its user to take down
the video. If the user does not abide, then a court order may
take place. In the case of SOPA, there is no timeframe, and
people may become annoyed or worried while using the
Internet. Thus, as this video explains in further detail, they
may use a foreign provided Domain Name Service service
to lessen their worries. Americans may use another coun-
try’s Internet for more access. A foreign DNS may see this
developing trend and try to lead American Internet users
to fake banking sites. Which is worse: piracy, or increased
foreign scamming?
Supporters of SOPA are primarily big media companies
that, most understandably, do not want to lose money on
material that can be downloaded from foreign websites. Op-
ponents of SOPA include Facebook, Google, Reddit, and small
websites that will feel the law’s impacts. While its goals are
admirable and necessary, it penalizes entire websites for an
individual’s user’s actions and promotes an unclear meaning
of censorship that can be interpreted in several ways. That
said, ISP’s that have the power to cut websites off may, in
fact, have other motives rather than protecting copyright
laws. You helped us last year with this problem, so we will
help shut down this company to return the favor.
Moreover, the policies of the Thought Police Internet
—How do you spell commitment? O-C-C-U-P-Y—
Police mirror that of China and other foreign countries, di-
minishing America’s role of being the global voice that so
adamantly advocates for the First Amendment. Policymakers
should strive for the goals of SOPA/PIPA, but they must do
so without excessive government surveillance obstructing
domestic companies and hindering Americans’ freedom.
Political Correctness
Reaches New Heights
Stop us if you’ve heard this one before.
A school district decides to choose a new mascot for a
new high school. They let the students pick it by ballot. The
students choose the cougar. It even has some added allitera-
tive appeal: the Corner Canyon High Cougars of Drapter,
Utah. Catchy, no?
Well, the school district decided to veto that decision.
Why? Well, for the obvious reason that using the term “cou-
gar” is offensive to women.
No, really.
Now, perhaps we’re a bit old-fashioned and behind the
times, but the cougar is a great mascot. It’s a strong, proud
animal. From all appearances, Corner Canyon High would’ve
been great going with the animal. After all, cougars—also
known as mountain lions—are pretty prevalent in Utah.
However, the principal of the high school, one Mary Bailey,
worried that folks would have the image of predatory women
leap to mind.
To be fair to her, she wasn’t the only one. Allegedly
several parents e-mailed and called members of Draper’s
school board to inform them that they were uncomfortable
with the nickname. The school board acquiesced and imposed
the “Charger” mascot. While charger was also one of the
choices on the ballot, it didn’t receive nearly as many votes
as the cougar.
Did they happen to forget that Brigham Young University,
one of the most straitlaced institutions of higher education in
the country and the best known university in Utah, also uses
a cougar as its mascot? It would be amusing if it didn’t treat
the kids who chose the mascot like infants. In this day and
age, it’s hard to imagine that none of them were aware of the
connotations of the word. None of them were bothered by it,
apparently. Nevertheless, political correctness marches on.
Poor Porcelain Poets
The following massacred nursery rhymes are taped to
bathroom stall doors around campus. How Grimm.
“Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown, but Jill didn’t help him
because those are her tax dollars.”
“The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Down
came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun
and dried up all the rain, so the itsy bitsy spider bought into
capitalism again.”
“Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and doesn’t know
where to find them. Leave them alone and they’ll come home.
Oh wait they can’t because her home has been foreclosed.”
A good thing these commode commandoes left Ms.
Muffet out of it. She wouldn’t have been pleased.
Indian Ballers Fall
Last Saturday Dartmouth Men’s Basketball faced the
Harvard Crimson, ranked #24 in the nation, in the first sell-
out of Leede Arena since 2000. Backed by a raucous crowd,

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The Week in Review
—If you see someone carry paper into the stall, then you’re watching a guano graffitist
give a whole new meaning to the term “occupied.”—
the Indians jumped out to a quick 6-0 lead, holding Harvard
scoreless for first five and half minutes, but by half-time the
Crimson led 23-16. The Indians continued to struggle offen-
sively only scoring 22 points in the second half as Harvard
pulled away behind the strong shooting of Corbin Miller ‘15
who finished the game with 13 points on 5 of 6 shooting from
the floor. Jvonte Brooks ‘15 led the Indians with 12 points and
fell one rebound short of the double-double with 9 rebounds.
On Integrity
The January 12th panel, “Occupy Dartmouth: Voices Cry-
ing in the Wilderness?” was full of the usual Occupy silliness.
It was incoherent from the start. Though meant to be a panel
on the intersection of spirituality and the Occupy Movement,
hardly any mention of religion was made at all.
At the beginning, all the students who were involved in
the Occupy movement were asked to stand up to be applauded.
They were praised for engaging the community in “meaningful
dialogue” (what dialogue?) The fact that literally nothing has
changed because they wanted to hang out in tents for a few
weeks was passed over.
They taught us their silly method of communicating by
hand signals. There were threats and hints of violent revolution.
We were told first that “this” could all have a very unhappy
ending and that “politicians have to come into line. They will
be faced with the prospect of real revolution if they don’t.”
They celebrated the fact that they have no platform or practi-
cal proposals about how to actually change the country. One
panelist claimed that trying to spend time crafting good argu-
ments and learning data was “disabling” and it’s better to just
jump into activism. They bemoaned how the movement was
disrespected and persecuted, but it was clear that they really
just enjoyed being righteous martyrs (as one panelist put, they
have found “the great pleasure that is to had in resistance). The
whole thing was self-indulgent.
But besides all this, the main problem with the Occupy
Dartmouth kids is that none of them have integrity. They have
gotten all these ideas in their head from reading Marx in the
pleasure of Ivy League surroundings (and not in the midst of
any of Marxism’s bloody wars). Yet, they have done nothing
about them. Yes, they lived in tents for two months. We know
two Dartmouth students who a couple of years ago lived in
tents for entire term because they enjoyed doing it. Those stu-
dents, by the way, lived in tents on the Appalachian Trail, not
right outside Collis Porch. If one walked past the Occupy tent,
one could see someone using a MacBook, plugged into Collis
porch behind them. We also know that one of the students on
the panel is involved in corporate recruiting.
Yes, people are starving. Yes, the environment is being
destroyed. Yes, our cultural values are messed up. Yes, some
of the excesses of modern consumer capitalism should be
curbed. And how did a bunch of affluent college students sit-
ting in a tent for two months change any of that? Did they feed
a single poor person? Did they make heroic efforts to reduce
their energy dependence (think: MacBooks)? Did they try, like
Berry, to withdraw themselves as much as possible from the
normal operation of the American economy (think: corporate
recruiting)? Have they by their protest improved the life of a
single person in this world? And no, helping each other feel
all giddy about “fighting the man” doesn’t count.
One Occupy panelist mentioned that Dartmouth students,
January 27, 2012 The Dartmouth Review Page 5
because of their busy schedules, don’t have time to think deeply
about “what’s wrong with the world.” Perhaps he needs to be
reminded of a G.K. Chesterton’s famous quote. A newspaper
in Chesterton’s time put out a call for essays on the subject
“what’s wrong with the world.” His response? “Dear Sirs, I am.”
Message to the Dartmouth Occupiers: leave Dartmouth and
live life on a farm, and we’ll respect you. Spend two months
working for a charitable organization instead of sleeping in a
tent, and we’ll respect you. Spend two months crafting policy
proposals instead of sleeping in a tent, and we’ll respect you.
Until you stop using MacBooks and drinking corporately brewed
coffee and trying to get jobs at consulting firms that consult for
the very industries you claim to find so morally reprehensible,
you deserve all the scorn you love to complain about.
Michelle Obama
Keeps it Classy
Michelle Obama wore a $2400 cocktail dress to the State
of the Union address. As of this writing, the latest unemploy-
ment numbers peg unemployment at 8.5%.
Remember, the President understands your pain.
Your Vote Counts?
In the Iowa Republican Caucus, Mitt Romney beat Rick
Santorum by just eight votes. In elections as close as this one,
the importance of safeguarding the integrity of the voting
process becomes even more apparent. Until recently, most
states have allowed voters to cast a vote as long as they sign
an affidavit to verify their identity. Republicans have pushed
for voter identification laws that require that voters present
valid photo identification at the polls, but Democrats claim
that such laws disenfranchise minorities.
Democrats are worried that such laws would restrict
the ability of minorities to participate in the democratic pro-
cess, but having a photo ID is necessary for many parts of
everyday life. Just some of the things that require a photo ID
are: obtaining a bank account, credit card, marriage license,
loan, or insurance; receiving welfare, social security, or food
stamps; getting prescription medicine; driving; proving one’s
age; purchasing a home, automobile, alcohol or cigarettes;
adopting a pet; going to college; renting an apartment, hotel
room, car, or furniture; or having one’s water, electricity,
gas, or cable turned on. With the Democrats’ logic, all of the
activities listed above are actually discriminatory against
minorities. But in that case, Democrats care less about the
general welfare of American citizens and more about receiv-
ing votes. While supposed disenfranchisement in voting is
unacceptable, Democrats do not worry that these people do
not have access to many aspects of daily life.
In requiring voters to hold valid, state-issued photo
identification, the democratic process only becomes more
effective. If more members of society hold such IDs they are
able to take a greater stake in the world and become involved
in modern culture. Citizens should have an ID whether or not
they choose to vote.
Protecting the sanctity of the vote is an electoral im-
perative. An accusation of fraud can tarnish the legitimacy
of any election. Recent examples of voter fraud in Egypt
and Russia point towards the need to protect the integrity of
the electoral process. In elections decided by close margins,
voters who poll multiple times at different locations could
strongly skew the results. When citizens feel that their votes
are being diluted by illegitimate votes, they have less of an
incentive to cast a ballot.
Indiana successfully passed a voter ID law which was
upheld in the Supreme Court because the state offered free ID
cards to anyone who applied. With the Hoosier State’s model,
everybody wins. Minorities and the poor have greater access
to photo identification, which allows them access to other parts
of life, and the integrity of the voting process remains intact.
Obama’s Keystone
Pipeline Krime
On Wednesday, President Obama let politics get in the
way of good policy when he decided to reject the Keystone
XL pipeline proposal. In Obama’s speech, he claimed that the
State Department has not had enough time to review the pro-
posal and will let TransCanada reapply for permits to build the
pipeline. This decision to deny the pipeline its permits is clearly
an attempt by President Obama to coddle the green vote in the
upcoming election at the expense of what’s good for America.
Opponents of the pipeline have three main contentions:
First, that Alberta tar sands are too dirty; second, that the pipeline
is unsafe, and third that America should not be increasing its oil
imports. All of these claims are fallacious, illogical and unsound
when compared with America’s energy situation. Even at the
best possible growth estimates for green technology, America
is still going to be importing millions of barrels of oil a day
by 2025. The question is not whether we should be importing
this oil (we cannot possibly grow green tech fast enough not
to) but where this oil should come from.
Canadian oil shipped to the U.S. via pipelines like the
proposed Keystone XL is the best possible alternative to im-
porting oil by ship from corrupt dictatorships in Latin America
and unstable regions in the Middle East. Does it make sense
for America’s petrodollars to support our staunch ally to the
North, or prop up backwards and brutal regimes in unstable
regions? The answer seems clear, ethical oil from Canada is
the right choice. Morally, we should have more Canadian oil.
From an environmental perspective, Canadian oil sands
have a bad image. However, with increasing self-regulation
in the industry and improving technological standards the oil
sands are becoming cleaner every day. Environmentalists who
claim that boycotting tar sands oil and stopping the Keystone
XL pipeline will somehow stop or slow tar sands oil production
are completely wrong. Already, the Canadian government has
proposed to fast-track the Northern Gateway pipeline which
will supply tar sands oil to China. Since the tar sands are going
to continue at full production anyways, there is no reason we
should harm U.S. interests by futilely stopping the pipeline.
Besides, surely, from an environmental perspective, it makes
more sense to send Canadian oil to the U.S. via pipeline rather
than by ship to China and then have the U.S. import oil by ship
from the Middle East. From an environmental perspective,
the Keystone XL pipeline is beneficial, or at the very least,
not harmful.
Two other important considerations are national security
and ecological safety. A popular concern about the Keystone
XL pipeline was possible ecological damage from a spill.
Everything does have some risks, but since the same amount
of oil needs to be imported anyways, pipelines from Canada
are much less risky than importing the oil by ship from the
Middle East. The other option is for the U.S. to drastically
increase domestic production of oil, but as we saw in the Gulf
of Mexico, this option has substantial risks as well. From a
national and economic security standpoint, having our oil
come from a politically stable ally like Canada is better than
having oil come from dictatorships in unstable regions. From
a safety and security standpoint, the Keystone XL pipeline
is the best option.
Clearly, from a moral, environmental, and security stand-
point the Keystone XL pipeline is in the interest of the United
States. Building the pipeline does more good than harm. This
becomes even more true when we consider the over 20,000
(according to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce’s Institute for
21st Century Energy) jobs which would be created by this
project. Stopping the Keystone XL pipeline will not affect the
tar sands oil production but it will mean a loss of American
jobs and a decrease in America’s energy security. Mr. Obama
has let politics get in the way good policy. Unfortunately, this
seems to occur much too often on both sides of the house
these days. ■
 Page 6 The Dartmouth Review January 27, 2012

Hope for Minorities and Conservatism

By George A. Mendoza Deep South, Clarence Thomas climbed out of poverty
and into the elite world of the United States govern-
This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of Reverend Dr. ment.
Martin Luther King Jr.’s landmark speech, “Toward Freedom,” He talked about registering as a Republican in
given at Dartmouth College. Dr. King addressed a Dartmouth Maryland in his book My Grandfather’s Son, “It
Hall overflowing with students and residents. In an era of true was a giant step for a black man, but I believed it
oppression, Reverend Dr. King gave hope and inspiration to to be a logical one. I saw no good coming from an
millions of disenfranchised black Americans. One hundred ever-larger government that meddled, with incom-
years after the start of the Civil War, black Americans made petence if not mendacity, in the lives of its citizens,
strides for equality and an end to segregation. For some, the and I was particularly distressed by the Democratic
wounds are still healing. My home state, Texas, is in that unique Party’s ceaseless promises to legislate the problems
geographic position of having a history of oppression toward of blacks out of existence. Their misguided efforts
blacks in the Deep-South-influenced East Texas, and a history had already done great harm to my people, and I felt

T
of oppression toward Hispanics in sure that anything else they
the American-Southwest-influenced he sooner minorities can let go did would compound the
South Texas. And fifty years later, of this grievance-filled ideology, damage.”
where is America now? Nobody can In becoming a conserva-
the sooner more focus will be paid
reasonably argue that the Jim Crow tive, he felt he was looking
South and the modern United States to achievement and the nurturing of out for the best interest of
of America hold any semblance of a truly integrated people in society. the black community. De-
the racism of the mid-century Deep spite being raised with Jim
South. Still, minorities in America have a difficult time iden- Crow around him, he found a connection between
tifying with conservative political values, which have been his culture and the Republican Party, the party of the
stigmatized as anti-minority. rich white man., That more and more minorities are
Ever since the Republicans made a move for the Deep feeling this way thirty years later is a good sign for
South during the Civil Rights Era, minorities and conservatives this country. We are beginning to look past race and
have had a difficult time supporting each other. If a minority look at actual policy and the effects on the commu-
is a conservative, we have sold our race out, supported getting nities we live in. Minorities may still vote Democrat
rich individually and failed to support the communities we because they associate the blue with helping their
were raised in. Fiscal conservatism is looked at as a direct community and because that’s just what they do, but
threat to minority communities. It has been hard to combat overall this country is moving away from that.
the ingrained idea the Republican Party is the wrong party, Historically, Latino voters have not been very
the party that is out of touch with Hispanics, Blacks, Asians, involved politically. This is the next frontier for the
Native Americans and any and every minority. Republican Party. George W. Bush made strides ­—U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas on the day of his
I was raised in a large, south Texas border town, McAllen, during his presidency to gain the Hispanic vote by gradution from Yale Law School, where he cultivated his belief in

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ten miles from the Rio Grande River. As putting out moderate immigration minority progress through conservative policy—
is easy to imagine, the number of regis- e are beginning to look policies to counter his support
tered Democrats dwarfs the number of past race and look at of a border fence. Had his colleagues tion—not just minorities, but the entire population—
registered Republicans. There is, how- been more willing to accept Presi- would gain favor among Hispanics and blacks and make
actual policy and the effects
ever, enough of a conservative popula- dent Bush’s proposals, the Hispanic it easier to vote for the party that they have historically
tion that Texas is trying to gerrymander on the communities we live in.. vote may have been likely. Governor thought of as going against everything they were raised
a new Republican district—something I Perry of Texas, though he just recently to believe in, while keeping the conservative invisible
can both shake my head at and applaud. The district just east dropped out of the race, would have received a large hand’s integrity intact. Lighting the path toward conser-
of mine, the Texas Twenty-Seventh Congressional District, chunk of Latino votes. He supported a bill that would vatism may be all minorities need.
, is currently held by a Republican for the first time since its have given illegal immigrants in-state tuition at the Texas Shelby Steele, a Senior Fellow at Stanford Universi-
creation in 1983. That’s fourteen straight cycles with the same public collegiate system, a seemingly liberal policy. His ty’s Hoover Institution, pinpoints the disconnect between

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representative with a D next to his name, and it appears the argument is that we need to minorities and liberals as be-
most impossibly Democratic district in Texas is changing. educate the people of the state t has been hard to combat the ingrained ginning in the 1960’s. America
My district, the Fifteenth Congressional District, has had a regardless or else risk having idea the Republican Party is the wrong admitted the long mistreat-
Democrat in office since its creation in 1903. It really does not an uneducated population.
party, the party that is out of touch with ment of minorities, especially
get much more consistent than that. Even so, it is impossible Republicans in the presidential blacks and Hispanics, leading
to deny that the tensions from yesteryear between minorities race and outside of the south- Hispanics, Blacks, Asians, Native Ameri- to a loss of moral authority.
and whites is vanishing, and doing so quickly. western border states—Cali- cans and any and every minority. He argues that America sud-
Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United fornia, Arizona, New Mexico, denly needed a “conspicuous
States Clarence Thomas was born in Pin Point, Georgia in and Texas—attacked him viciously for it. display of moral authority in order to defend the legiti-
1948, and spent his most impressionable years in the seg- The Hispanic vote is very much up for grabs this macy of its institutions against relentless challenge,”
regated south during the Civil Rights Era. He was raised in upcoming election after President Obama’s failure to leading to a new formula of power, one of redemption
brutal rural poverty, not uncommon through the Deep South address the immigration problem. Regardless of their for America’s past sins. Lyndon Johnson’s Great Soci-
and Southwestern United States. He built houses, working thoughts on illegal immigration, Republicans need to ety connected more to this redemptive spirit than Barry
outside whenever the sun was Goldwater’s borderline libertarianism.
up, and his mother worked to And such has been the story of minorities and poli-
keep them fed and alive with tics in America: you show me you are sorry for past hard-
no room to do much more. ships and I will vote for you, irrespective if these policies
He never let go of his race, work or not—at least you did something! The sooner
his childhood, or his con- minorities can let go of this grievance-filled ideology, the
nection with his past. Born sooner more focus will be paid to achievement and the
into Roman Catholicism, nurturing of a truly integrated people in society.
he attended a seminary to The problem conservatives face with this, however,
go into priesthood until he is that to absolve the country of all previous grievances
experienced racism. Even in is equated with a betrayal of community, family, and his-
becoming a priest, the racism tory with one’s race. Holding onto grievances has taken
of the community around him on a whole new meaning. Being angry about American
never ceased. He has said in intolerance—or conservatism, either way—has become
later years he became angry about maintaining identity, not about any actual griev-
and that anger would not ances the community may have. Liberal activism presents
leave him. an apologetic view toward minorities and one that listens
It was in his colle- —Serving as Republican governors of states with high populations of Mexican im- to their problems, much more comforting than conser-
giate years that Justice Thomas migrants, Rick Perry and George W. Bush straddled the line between toughness on vatism’s blind justice and invisible hand. Liberals still
looked toward conservatism as illegal immigration and supporting policies designed to integrate immigrants into the act as if the moral atrocities of fifty years ago happened
a possible ideology. He took American mainstream— fifty days ago. This “moral vanity” as Shelby Steele puts
the values taught to him by it, is hollow compared to what conservatism offers: true
his grandfather in poverty—family, Christianity, a sort of adopt some sort of moderate views to appeal to the uni- equality, equality not racially-based but equality without
rugged outlook on life—and applied them to where he saw formed voters. Every Congressman representing a large ever thinking of race at all. America did what it did all
himself going. In the heart of the segregated and racist minority population makes education a priority. Twelve those years ago; no amount of apologizing can make up
of this nation’s states have a minority population over for that. What can, though, is not liberalism’s proposition
George A. Mendoza is a member of the Class of 2015 forty percent. If Republicans are to gain the Hispanic of racial dignity, but conservatism’s all-encompassing
at the College and contributor to The Dartmouth Review. vote, policies like these that promote an educated popula- proposition of human dignity. ■
 January 27, 2012 The Dartmouth Review Page 7

A Win for the Finns

By Elizabeth A. Reynolds recently ranked Finland’s education sys-
tem first and the United States’ a distant
Anyone who has stepped inside of an IKEA store can twenty-sixth.
speak to the sleek, clean, and modern style furniture and ac- While Finland does elevate the teach-
cessories it offers. IKEA provides a glimpse into Scandinavian ing profession, it does not increase how
design with its trendy products that truly do justice to the much time any given teacher spends in
company’s motto, “Affordable solutions for modern living.” the classroom. Instead, the country has
Function and affordability — those are the two things that adopted a “less is more” policy. A teacher
make IKEA products so attractive and smart. in Finland averagely spends 600 hours in
As I sat down in the Paganucci Conference Room to watch a classroom in one year, while an Ameri-
a screening of the documentary, The Finland Phenomenon: can teacher is in the classroom for 1100
Inside the World’s Most Surprising School System, this idea of hours. This also means shorter school days
the Scandinavian understanding of function and affordability in which a student can be in class from
came back to me, but in a completely different context…the simply 11:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. School is
context of education. I had no idea before watching the film, a casual environment where students ad-
the work of filmmaker Bob Compton and Harvard researcher dress their teachers by first name and are
Dr. Tony Wagner, that Finland’s education system has con- rarely assigned homework, yet Finland
sistently ranked number one in the world for over a decade. continues to rank on top in PISA exams
Finland clearly has a system that works, and one that is free while the U.S. falls well below average.
of charge. The question is, how has this small Scandinavian Perhaps this is due to Finland’s abil- —With their emphasis on innovation, it’s a small wonder the Finns are beating
country managed to find solutions to the education problems ity to give their students an education that us in the classroom—
plaguing every other country in the world? will allow them to succeed in the real
One thing that benefits Finland’s education system is the world. Finnish schools focus on innovation. One student this option, leading to a mere 5% high school drop out rate.
general population’s respect for the profession of teaching. interviewed in the film described a class project in which he What stands out most about Finland’s school system,
Teachers are seen more as wise elders than as robots cranked was required to stay overnight at the school. The goal was to however, is that it is based on trust. First, students take personal
out of an assembly line. Finland requires that its teachers be start a new business with his group members in 26 hours — a responsibility over their work. One student explained how he

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innovative and knowledge- lesson in entrepreneurship, and his classmates were working on a 5-week long project
able, facilitating creation and ust like IKEA, Finland’s school system pro- creativity, and collabora- about the countries of Africa while their teacher was on a
discovery in the classroom. vides affordable solutions for modern living. tion. More than anything lunch break, a clear example of a teacher putting trust in his
This high standard is reached The Finns has developed a system that prepares this teaches students how students. On a higher level, municipalities trust the teachers.
through the country’s rigor- to actually think rather There are no such things as teacher inspections. Teachers are
ous five-year program that their citizens for a 21st Century global economy, than simply repeat what is expected to perform better due to the fact that they are trusted.
students accepted into a teach- where no child is left behind and all students written in a textbook. Small wonder, then, that Finland is among the five least cor-
ing university must complete The use of up-and- rupt countries in the world. The U.S. ranks twenty-third, just
are provided equal opportunities.
in order to become a certified coming technology in the ahead of Uruguay.
teacher. All teachers in Finland are required to have a master’s classroom enhances the innovative spirit of Finnish schools. Finland values education, that much is made clear by the
degree in the subject they are teaching. Furthermore, each I was amazed by how professional and modern a 4th grade sci- documentary. Which brings me back to IKEA. I found a paral-
student-teacher has a close partnership with a master-teacher, ence classroom filmed in the documentary appeared – it could lel running between this furniture retailer and Finnish educa-
and the two take turns observing each other’s classes and have been mistaken for one of the new lab spaces in the Class tion that runs deeper than the Nordic sofas lining the school
critiquing lesson plans. of 1978 Life Sciences Center, albeit with smaller chairs. In the hallways and the quirky bookcases fashioned in classrooms.
Finland’s teaching schools have an average admission U.S., technology is for teachers. In Finland, it is for students. Just like IKEA, Finland’s school system provides affordable
rate of 10% while in the United States one can get a hold of a Also boosting Finland’s education status is the fact that solutions for modern living. The Finns has developed a system
teaching certificate online. This helps explain why Newsweek high school students have the option of choosing a vocational that prepares their citizens for a 21st Century global economy,
Ms. Reynolds is a junior at the College and an arts and track rather than an academic track. This is not looked down where no child is left behind and all students are provided
culture editor of The Dartmouth Review. upon in the Finnish school system. In fact, 45% of students elect equal opportunities. ■

Hating on Freedom of Speech

By Blake S. Neff refusal to craft additional laws to regulate “hate speech” is Among the worst offenders in the First World is Canada,
irrational, and has allowed savage publications like the fine where those who wish to speak on contentious issues such as
To the typical student, Martin Luther King Jr. Day is publication you’re holding in your hands (80’s Dartmouth gay rights or Islam must fear hearings before quasi-judicial
primarily regarded as a welcome three-day weekend early was “rife with racist hate speech” according to Brison) to Human Rights Commission, where truth is not a defense,

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in winter term. For the College itself, though, the event has run wild. Brison’s gen- normal evidentiary
expanded well beyond a mere commemorative holiday. The eral conclusion was n equating “hate speech” with the more immediate rules do not apply,
celebration of King’s life has snowballed into more than a short, straightforward, harms of libel and incitement of violence, Brison and where plaintiffs
week’s worth of events, from a community interfaith cel- and blisteringly wrong.
fails to recognize the dangers of overreach which ac- are subsidized by the
ebration at Rollins Chapel on Sunday to a Palaeopitus panel “Free speech is not a spe- state while defen-
discussion on Dr. King more than a week after the holiday. cial right,” she declared, company more limited protections of speech. dants must fend for
Fitted between these bookends were the LIFTED Student and there is no reason to themselves. Even the
Performance Showcase (featuring a message of social uphold it when “it comes in conflict with other values, such venerable Maclean’s found itself embroiled in a year-long legal
justice!), an Alpha Phi Alpha candlelight vigil, and more. as the right to equality.” battle over a series of articles by Mark Steyn regarding the rise
Crammed into this battery of events was a peculiar lec- This was a dubious claim on several levels. It is not of Islam. It goes without saying that even if convictions are
ture held Tuesday, January 17 in Haldeman 41, “Hate Speech entirely clear how equality, other than under the law, is a rare, legal costs and government harassment create a chilling
and American Exceptionalism.” The lecture, hosted by the right in the first place. For that matter, it is very difficult to effect on speech. Furthermore, unlike with America’s strict
Leslie Center for the Humanities, was given by Professor imagine how strong free speech protections endanger equal- protection of speech, there are few barriers to prevent speech
Susan Brison of the Philosophy and Women’s and Gender ity. Limited speech has been the partner of oppression far restrictions from being enlarged at the government’s behest.
Studies departments, whose impeccable progressive cre- more often than free speech has. Abolitionist works were Most baffling of all about Brison’s belittlement of free

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dentials include serving routinely barred from expression is that it should occur during an event commemo-
as faculty associate for ost baffling of all about Brison’s belittlement the antebellum South, rating Martin Luther King Jr. Brison would do well to read
East Wheelock and sign- of free expression is that it should occur during while Mississippi’s Jim King’s speech at Holt Street Baptist Church at the beginning
ing onto an “Open Letter
from Black Women to
an event commemorating Martin Luther King Jr. Crow regime prohibited of the Montgomery bus boycott, in which he asserts “the great
all advocacy against anti- glory of American democracy,” in contrast to the Communist
SlutWalk Organizers” despite not being black. miscegenation laws. The only speech which can compare in and totalitarian regimes of the world, “is the right to protest
On the day following a holiday commemorating one harm to other citizens is direct incitements to violence, and for right.” She might also consider his speeches during the
of America’s greatest speakers, Brison’s lecture focused on those are already (and have always been) illegal. final years of his life, when he grew more radical and called
America’s supposedly extreme and irrational commitment In equating “hate speech” with the more immediate America “the leading source of violence in the world today”
to freedom of speech. America, she observed, has stronger harms of libel and incitement of violence, Brison fails and attacked American soldiers in Vietnam for killing children
speech protections than any other country, and free speech to recognize the dangers of overreach which accompany and sexually exploiting women.
absolutism is a firmly ingrained part of the American iden- more limited protections of speech. She would do well to Could he have been so brash if the threat of government
tity. Rather than celebrating the country’s high attachment observe the examples of the nations around the world she persecution loomed for insulting or defaming a “segment of
to such a basic right, Brison argued that we should regard seeks to imitate. In the United Kingdom last year, a man the population,” as current hate speech laws in Germany read?
this uniquely American outlook with concern rather than named Dale McAlpine was arrested for merely stating his Hopefully, Brison’s casual advocacy for the limitation
pride. Given that selective exceptions to free speech already belief that homosexuality is sinful. In Poland the pop singer of long-enduring rights is merely a sign of just how well
exist for libel and words which provoke imminent harm, the Dorota Rabczewska was fined about $1500 for saying the these rights are currently protected. History militates towards
Bible was written “by someone drunk on wine and smok- vigilance, however, and Brison would do well to consider its
Mr. Neff is a junior at the College and a features editor ing some herbs.” lessons. ■
of The Dartmouth Review.
 Page 8 The Dartmouth Review January 27, 2012
A Moment of Your Time?
By Michael T. Haughey
Prior to the New Hampshire primary, at one point or
another you were probably waiting in line for your pre-class
breakfast at Novack or strolling through Collis. Or perhaps
you were just walking down the street in front of Admissions
and Robinson on your way into town. No matter
where you were it was hard to miss; the Ron Paul
campaign was out in full display on the Dartmouth
campus before New Hampshire voters headed to
the polls. Supporters of Paul’s “Restore America
Now” Campaign, armed with clipboards and pens,
unceasingly patrolled around campus drumming up
support for the Congressman.
I found myself approached on numerous occa-
sions and ended up speaking with representatives
a number of times. More or less the same scenario
played out each encounter, although one especially
determined representative stands in my mind. Every
day while I was waiting for my coffee and bagel No-
vack, without fail, he would ask me for my signature
even though I had already given him my signature
a few days before. I was usually pretty dismissive,
and he would mosey on to the next student in line.
One day, however, I was perhaps feeling particularly
curious, or maybe I just hadn’t gotten enough sleep.
I decided to engage him.
The rep asked me whom I was considering voting
for in the primary. I told him probably Romney, perhaps
Huntsman, but I hadn’t completely made up my mind
yet. Wrong answer.
“Did you know that the national debt increases
by almost four billion dollars every day? Well did you
know Congressman Paul will cut 1 trillion in spending
in his first year in office? Did you know he has never
voted for an unbalanced budget? Did you know that
Mitt Romney practically provided the blue print for
Obama Care?”
I knew all of these things. I wasn’t that impressed, but he
continued.
“Do you realize the atrocities the Federal Reserve has com-
mitted? We can’t have it infusing the economy with money when-
ever it wants; it’s downright dangerous. It’ll destroy America.”
Mr. Haughey is a freshman at the College and a contribu-
tor to The Dartmouth Review.
Bleak Days, Bleaker Bureaucracy
By Benjamin M. Riley
Winter and Dartmouth – old friends. Or at least they used
to be, until the College decided there wasn’t enough money
to properly salt the icy pathways around campus. Maybe
this is not exactly what happened. Maybe there is plenty of
money for salt, but the administration is so crippled by its
own bureaucratic bloat that it could not execute the
simple task of salting the paths. The administration’s
seeming lack of care for student safety is appalling. The
fact that students would rather walk across vast areas
of snow than on designated walking paths says it all.
Countless students have fallen and hurt themselves,
accruing bruises and cuts not normally associated with
a January stroll. These strolls are, as a friend of mine
called them, deathtraps. It is not as if the College’s
maintenance department missed a few obscure, less-
tread paths. No, I am talking about common paths from
dorms to the library, like the ones on Tuck Mall which
remained iced over for a whole day following the hail
that iced them. This is inexcusable. With tuition push-
ing fifty thousand dollars a year, the least the College
can do is take simple steps to ensure students’ safety.
But this is not really about salt. It is about resource
allocation and the College’s consistent bungling of it.
Saltless paths are merely an illustrative example of the
—With such poorly salted paths, it’s a wonder Dick’s House doesn’t look
College’s recent misdirection.
I wish I were surprised by the lack of salt. Un-
fortunately I am not. How could there be any money for salt will come directly out of the College’s operating budget, ening is that Jim Kim has so much potential to do good things
when so much is spent in the administration of the College? diverting much-needed funds away from the academic de- for Dartmouth. He is charismatic, personable, and inspiring.
When each academic department has multiple administra- partments that have been the backbone of this College since These traits, essential to any leader, have helped him fundraise
tors and new administrative departments are being created its inception. Even if the project remains entirely self-funded, effectively and gain Dartmouth valuable national exposure.
far too often, it is easy to see how there might be no money there remains the question of what business Dartmouth Unfortunately, Kim’s values do not align with mine, nor
left for salt. The money the College does have is misused in has being involved in healthcare delivery in the first place. Dartmouth’s. This is a shame, because with his considerable
the most dreadful of ways.
Mr. Riley is a junior at the College and Arts and Culture Kim and his Parkhurst cabal, including his deputy in all if we are stuck with saltless paths, healthcare delivery, and
Editor of The Dartmouth Review.
At this point I think he was starting to work himself into a
little bit of a sweat and my half-hot-chocolate-half-coffee was
ready. I thanked him for his time and went on my way. I feel
a little bad for whoever else was next on his list; this guy was
all worked up. He was right, I was ignorant, and there was no
point in arguing.
—The tenacity of Senator Paul’s supporters is legendary—
Yet despite my complaints, the campaigns plans seemed
to bolster Paul’s success in Grafton. Paul captured a respect-
able twenty-three percent of the total New Hampshire vote
to Romney’s thirty-nine. But in our own Grafton County
the results were even closer. Romney only took about thirty
Perhaps no greater misstep is Jim Kim’s pet project,
the Dartmouth Center for Healthcare Delivery and Science.
Even if the original money for said project came from an
anonymous donation, such a large project will not be able to
sustain itself on donations forever. Eventually, and I would
venture sooner rather than later, President Kim’s Healthcare
Delivery Center will need some money. And that money
like Atlanta in Gone with the Wind—
What is so disappointing about Kim’s Healthcare Delivery talent there is no reason he could not make Dartmouth a finer
Center is what it reveals about his vision for Dartmouth. version of its traditional self. For now, though, it appears as
matters, Carol Folt, see Dartmouth as a leading university. never-ending bureaucracy. Here’s to hoping for a change. ■
percent to Paul’s twenty-five, a slim margin considering
Paul’s seen some distant third places in other state primaries.
It seems that his emphasis on individual liberty really rang
true in the Live Free or Die State.
Of course, Paul’s presence around campus prior to the
primary may have indeed helped his numbers come voting
day. After all, his supporters were by far the most
prevalent for students. After the debate at Dartmouth,
candidates shifted their focus away from campus and
to the rest of New Hampshire residents. Even dur-
ing debate time, candidates seemed eerily inacces-
sible. Perhaps that feminist outside Bachmann’s bus
screaming at her for being a chauvinist pig spooked
candidates, but in the first election in which I’m able
to vote, I felt detached from those whom I was sup-
posed to be supporting.
Perry wouldn’t shake my hand, I couldn’t even
get a wave out of Romney, and it took my friend and
me two hours to track Herman Cain at the Hanover
Inn and get a picture with him. We only got to snap
a photo with Newt Gingrich because he too hap-
pened to be at the very same restaurant as Cain. I
would have liked to speak with them, but they were
quickly shuttled upstairs because it was their respec-
tive bedtimes. I am not making that up. Candidates
apparently have “bedtimes.”
Huntsman, probably the most accessible during
the Hanover Debate, seemed to focus the rest of his
subsequent New Hampshire efforts away from campus
at various town hall meetings. That really saddened
me; personally I would’ve liked to see more of his
daughters around town.
But, while other candidates have fallen by the
wayside, first Cain, then Bachmann, Huntsman, and
Perry, Paul has showed no signs of slowing down.
Now that the race is down to a four-man contest, Paul’s
refusal to back down is alarming some Republican
voters. While his grassroots supporters have filled his
coffers as he soldiers on, his campaign for the Republican
nomination and future possibility of running as a third party
candidate threatens the prospect of a unified Republican
push for presidency.
As far as I’m concerned, as long as his signature vul-
tures don’t confront me any more, the Congressman can do
whatever he wants. ■
It is not that, has never been that, and should never be that.
It is a leading college, tasked primarily with the education
of undergraduates. There is a reason why the College was
ranked number one in undergraduate teaching by U.S.
News & World Report the past two years. That reason is
Dartmouth’s historic commitment to providing the finest
undergraduate education to its students. And as much as
Jim Kim pays lip service to this fact, his actions say
something altogether different. That Kim has made
healthcare delivery his biggest project at the College
to date speaks volumes. It is not that Jim Kim does
not care about undergraduate education; he does. It is
just that he seems to care much more about healthcare
delivery, heavily promoting it both on campus and off.
Healthcare delivery is a fine thing to be interested in.
But what business does Dartmouth College have with
healthcare delivery? It is the farthest thing from the spirit
of a liberal arts college. Plainly, Dartmouth’s current
involvement in healthcare delivery is not congruous with
the spirit of a liberal arts college and simply makes no
sense. Perhaps it would make sense if Dartmouth were
a true university, with a focus on research. Perhaps if
Dartmouth were not located two and a half hours from
any major metropolitan area. But, Dartmouth is neither
of those things. As much as President Kim would like
Dartmouth to be more like his graduate school alma
mater, Harvard, it is not. Nor should it ever be.
What makes these recent developments so disheart-

The Best of the British Telly
By Melanie E. Wilcox
The lights dimmed at five after seven on evening of
Friday, January 20th as local townspeople and a handful of
Dartmouth students took their seats in Spaulding Auditorium
to watch more than 150 advertisements recognized at the
2011 British Arrows Awards.
For the uninitiated, the 1976 establishment formerly
known as the British Television Advertising Awards rewards
the most top-notch, television, outdoor and cinema commer-
cials made by British advertising agencies and promotion
companies. The show, comprised of Britain’s cream-of-
the-crop advertisements, divided them into categories of
finalists, bronze, silver, and gold, entertaining its viewers
on a 75-minute rollercoaster that stirred laughter, applause,
gasps, and — in some cases — utter silence due to fear, awe,
sadness, or sheer inspiration. How can this critic give this
film special, a mélange of various highly-rated vignettes, a
subpar review? It would be absurd, and moreover, dishon-
est to do so. I can only imagine that a poor review would
be that of someone who also dislikes watching Super Bowl
commercials or lacks appreciation for originality. These ads
oozed with creativity by relating emotion from viewers to a
series of short narratives selling its brand or product, echoing
William Plomer’s famous words “Creativity is the power to
connect the seemingly unconnected.” And so, the show began.
Yo, I’m rollin in my Massey on a summer’s day,
Chugging cold milk while I’m baling hay.
Yeo Valley’s approach is common sense,
Harmony in nature takes precedence.
Without missing a beat, the advertising campaign for
Yeo Valley Organic featured the Yeo Valley Boyz rapping
about their family-owned farming and dairy company in the
European countryside, complete with dancing owls, rhythmic
tractors and cows (Check out Daisy, she’s a proper cow, a
pedigree Fresian with know-how), and British rappers hang-
ing out on this hip farm chugging milk and “representing
for the West so hard it hurts.” Synthesizing these whimsical
props and actors into an eclectic
mix of British rural country farm
meets Jay-Z and Kanye West is not
an easy feat. Correspondingly, ac-
cording to David Brooks, Picasso’s
popularity surged when he blended
his upbringing of Western art with
his fondness for African masks. I
am, in no way, comparing Picasso
to the ingenuity of the Yeo Valley
Boyz, but taking two different con-
cepts and blending them together
appeals to an audience, in this case,
bringing a humorous response of
uncontrollable laughter. In fact, the
Yeo Valley Boyz song, originally
intended to teach the brand’s correct
pronunciation that is “Yo Vall-ey,”
became so popular that it can be
purchased on iTunes and was part
of the selection of finalists for Brit-
ish Arrows.
The carefree mood continued
when Boston’s classic “More than a
Feeling” played as a man grabs his
keys, takes an elevator downstairs,
and catches his ride to work — a
rollercoaster. He zooms around the buildings of New York
City nonchalantly, taking the viewer on a ride with him,
adrenaline rushing as he lives every child’s and — let’s face
it — adult’s dream as he takes the rollercoaster to the outside
of his building, making a quick stop for breakfast on the way
using his Barclaycard to pay.
Thinkbox “Dog’s Home” garnered the most “aww’s” from
the audience. A young couple passes by rooms showcasing
barking canines with the hope of finding a dog to adopt as a
new member of their family. They pause outside a wide-eyed
Dalmatian’s area, curious as to why the lonely puppy sits with
head hanging low in silence. The puppy clicks a button on a
remote, and an ad appears on the television behind him that
says “Introducing Harvey,” followed by Randy Bachman’s hit
“You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” with clips of intelligent Harvey
cleaning shoes, doing laundry, ironing, playing chess, and
driving his future owners to work, among other activities. The
Ms. Wilcox is a junior at the College and an executive
editor of The Dartmouth Review.
January 27, 2012 The Dartmouth Review Page 9
scene ends with Harvey next to his suitcase, followed by the
text: “Discover the power of advertising at www.thinkbox.
tv. TV. Where brands get their breaks.”
In the midst of our busy lives with millions of signals
forming conscious and unconscious thoughts, an effective
ad is one in which the viewer pauses for a few precious mo-
ments to watch, and more importantly, remember the ad, not
particularly the product. Comedian and advertising aficionado
David Shane appeared on screen and explained how to make
an effective ad in the middle of the film.
“All great commercials have a great idea,” he began.
“First, they need great actors. A white room with a man and
a woman sitting at a table in silence appeared, staring straight
at the camera. The shot reverted to Mr. Shane. “Good, but
not great. You need a prop.” The scene reverted back to the
white room with a white box on the table. “What’s in the
box?” the woman asked. Mr. Shane broke down the rules of
advertising production step-by-step to the audience, so that
after each step, the ad with the man and woman dramati-
cally improved according to his suggestions. The steps are,
but not limited to: swearing is conflict; role R’s; always be
suspenseful; production value adds value to your production;
remember to direct the scene; and, finally, edit your film. A
scene with initially two silent people developed into a comi-
cal, eccentric scenario of a well-dressed man and woman
raising their voices, rolling their R’s, and questioning the
surprise inside the box. It seemed as if there was a pause, or
intermission, within the film special for Mr. Shane to explain
advertising production; yet, the viewers quickly caught on
and laughed, acknowledging a brief moment of deception
when he said, “Oh, yeah, what’s in the box? Doritos. Cheesy
good.” CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH, as he smacked his
lips, indulging in cheesy goodness.
So memorable was this ad within an ad, infused with a
combination of humor, conflict, and suspense over a small,
white, bland box, that an elderly woman commented after
the show, “I liked that Doritos one the best.”
Unsurprisingly, McDonald’s timeless golden arches,
“Golden Arches Beacon” by Sonny, gained one bronze, and
“Tacticians and Staticians” and “Football Bores” received
—The Yeo Valley Boyz, repping the West so hard, it hurts—
silver awards, both by Moxie Pictures. “Golden Arches Bea-
con” shows single gloomy drivers in the rain and families
with loud children presumably driving for a long painful
period of time; yet, as the arches appear in the distance the
“On the Road Again” music fades, eyes light up, and smiles
appear. In “Tacticians and Staticians,” a soft masculine voice
recites a calming poem, naming diverse groups of people
eating at McDonald’s who “were just passing by,” he says
repetitively, including kids, financial clubs, and construction
workers, to name a few, drawing in McDonald’s as a com-
monality among all types of people. Its other silver winner,
“Football Bores,” relates to sports, ironically, because it’s
a fast-food chain, but also unsurprising in efforts to veer
away from this truth. Sports, a typically uncontroversial
topic, bind people together.
On the topic of sports, Nike’s “Write the Future” by
Independent Films won a gold, featuring Cristiano Rinaldo
and Kobe Bryant. Nike Air “Fresh Air” directed by Great
Guns really was a breath of fresh air, literally. This ad claimed
a silver award, featuring professional athletes like distance
runner Shalane Flanagan and tennis star Maria Sharapova
practicing their skill with canisters attached to them so that
they can “give air” which will be transferred in the Nike Air
shoes. But, warning! Air may cause excessive performance.
When perpetuating stereotypes, one must proceed with
caution. This does not seem to be the case in our culture
concerning blondes (Starbucks has recently released a light
roast coffee “blonde” blend, described as “mellow” and “ap-
proachable”) and, as a blonde while I appreciate the humor, I
do not care for these overused derogatory stereotypes. Sony
Ericsson’s “Product Testing Institute: Models” highlights the
XPeria where “smart meets entertainment.” A man experi-
ments the usefulness of three smart phones — Xperia, Galaxy
Vibrant, and an iPhone — with three entertaining blondes
named Britney, Tania, and Jackie.
Tania: “I’d love to press a button and have a shower. A
helicopter can bring down a portable shower.”
Jackie: “I want to talk to my dog.”
Man: “Do you speak dog?”
Jackie: “Yes. Rawr, rawr.”
While most commercials exemplified family-oriented,
amusing, and humorous happy-go-lucky ads, a few somber
ones grabbed my attention. The Department for Communities
and Local Governance’s “It Only Takes a Minute” shows a
charming family room with a glittering Christmas tree situated
next to a fire, “Silent Night” playing mellifluously. The music
amplifies as the tree, completely unnoticed, catches fire, and a
60-second timer ticks as the home burns down, putting “Silent
Night” in a minor key. Another grave and equally effective
ad, “Domestic Violence” by The Metropolitan Police, raises
awareness about this pressing issue that causes one of five
deaths in London. The shot shows the outside of a couple’s
bedroom, with the only noise being their screaming at each
other. I would have been able to hear a pin drop in the audi-
ence due to this effective ad.
On a slightly more uplifting but still solemn note, another
ad showcases a child prepping and talking himself through
a gymnastics performance, the lights shining on him in the
arena, dramatic orchestral music
playing as he flips in slow motion
and the audience stands and cheers
for the child. A moment later we
discover he has special needs when
The Special Olympics’s “Encourage
Omar” appears on screen. An equally
inspiring ad is Johnnie Walker’s
“Marc Harremans” that showcases a
26-year-old Belgian man paralyzed
from the chest down training in the
desert to be a champion world triath-
lete, another man’s voice booming
“When your reality changes, your
dreams don’t have to.”
Magner’s “Catch” features a
cricket team from Carmel that has
not been beaten since 1935. Poking
fun at the preppy Scottish lifestyle,
they enjoy apple picking, an activity
that comes so naturally to them, that
they can catch apples in their hands
without moving. They load the apples
in a truck that maneuvers through
forests to the bakery in such a rush
that the truck driver plows through a
brick wall, missing the main entrance
to ensure complete freshness. “There’s method in the Mag-
ners,” the text declared over the dust and rubble.
The finale arrived showcasing the best television com-
mercial of the year: T-Mobile’s “Welcome Back,” a medley of
songs playing as various groups meet their loved ones arriving
at Terminal 5 at the airport. Etta James’ “At Last” and Thin
Lizzy’s “The Boys are Back in Town,” among other classics
kept the livelihood up, with families giving hugs, welcoming
home their loved ones. In bold, white letters, their slogan
appeared: “Life’s for sharing: T-Mobile.”
Effective commercials not only have fine actors, props,
suspense, direction, production value, and conflict, as Mr.
Shane explained, but also have common relatable themes
including families, sports, and animals. Outlandish child-
hood fantasies displayed on screen form a bridge between
the viewer to the event taking place, and also link things
between seemingly different ideas and cultures on making
a successful cohesive narrative that deceives the viewer for
a few delightful moments, despite harsh economic times,
for an effective advertisement that makes a brand famous.■
 Page 10 The Dartmouth Review January 27, 2012

A Night at the Symphony

By Stuart A. Allan and Catie Copley

At times, it feels like Dartmouth has same the cultural

sophistication as a herd of caribou on the Arctic Tundra. Luck-
ily, the cultural center of Boston is close and easily accessible.
This Martin Luther King Day weekend we were lucky enough
to be able to meet in Boston for the world premiere of John
Harbison’s 6th Symphony, played by the Boston Symphony
Orchestra and conducted by David Zinman. The atmosphere
was busy and enthusiastic as the diverse crowd filed out of
Boston’s cold and windblown streets into the warm and opulent
Symphony Hall. Built in 1900, Symphony Hall is renowned
for being, acoustically, one of the best concert halls in the
world. The hall is a relatively long and high rectangle with
two levels of balconies in back and along the side. Taking our
orchestra seats, we were struck by the magnificence of the
concert hall. The beautiful gilt covered woodwork surround-
ing the stage renders even the most artistically disinclined
speechless. As we further examined the exquisitely detailed
building we noticed the beauty of the unique Greco-Roman
statues lining the side of the hall in alcoves above the sec-
ond balcony. Symphony Hall is tastefully done, exquisitely
finished, and could never be called gaudy — it is simply a
gorgeous place to enjoy wonderful music.
The evening’s performance was to start with Weber’s
Overture to The Opera “Euryanthe” and proceed with
Beethoven’s Piano Concerto No. 1 in C, Opus 15. After the
intermission Harbison’s Symphony No. 6 would be played.
The evening would conclude with Strauss’ “Till Eulenspie-
gel’s Merry Pranks,” After the Old Rouge’s Tale, set in rondo
form for large orchestra, Opus 28. Harbison’s Symphony
No.6 is dedicated to the BSO’s recently retired musical
director, James Levine, who had to step down for medical —The Symphony Hall in Boston, Massachusetts, seen here, is an excellent venue; just what the doctor ordered to counter-
reasons. This symphony was commissioned by Levine in act the cultural wasteland that Dartmouth can all too easily turn into—
2009. Harbison’s piece has four movements starting with
a Con Moto (Starring the Mezzo-soprano Paula Murrihy), that he wondered if the soloist’s only job was to distract end of the performance it was clear that the audience enjoyed
then the Introduzione. Con anima-Graziso, the third move- the audience from the overly dull and seemingly out of their night at the symphony. As always, the BSO preformed
ment was Vivo, Ruvido and the final, fourth movement, was place string and woodwinds. The second movement began wonderfully and, despite some faults, Harbison’s symphony
Moderato cantabile e semplice. well with flowing syncopation. While this couldn’t exactly was a success. He took a few risks by diverging from con-
The lights dimmed, phones were silenced, and stillness be called graceful and may have been confusing for some ventional wisdom but most of them paid off. A night at the
fell over the eager crowd as the orchestra began Weber’s audience member, it worked. Just as we both began to like symphony, in a beautiful building, with a beautiful date is
Overture to the Opera “Euryanthe”. To a lay-person, the the movement, out of nowhere came the bongos. Catie always a real pleasure and hearing Harbison’s fascinating
overture seemed exciting-a rousing piece with which to described her [and many audience members’] reaction best Symphony No.6 played by the BSO made it especially so.■
begin the performance. However, to a more trained ear, it in her notes as being “Shocked.
was overdone. By punctuating the entire piece with a highly Stunned. Incredulous.” The percus-
noticeable French overture style, they took it to an extreme. sion [read: mostly bongos] seemed
This seemed in rather poor form and completely unneces- extraneous and disconnected from
sary. As the piece ended and the applause began it took a the orchestra proper.
noticeably long time for orchestra to rearrange themselves By the Vivo, Ruvido the per-
for the next portion of the performance. cussion seemed to fit better and the
The crowd hushed with anticipation as a shining black syncopation seemed more natural.
Steinway and Sons grand piano was rolled on stage for It is hard to say whether this was due
Beethoven’s Piano Concerto. The Norwegian pianist Leif to the audience’s desensitization or
Ove Andsnes walked out to applause as he took his place that the percussion simply worked
at the piano in the front of the orchestra and conductor. The better in the minor key with more a
first movement, Allegro con brio ,started with an abrupt progressive and modern take on the
contra-beat entrance by the full orchestra after which the notes. As the third movement ended
piece continued forte by the piano into orchestral mezzo there was an awkward transition
piano. Interestingly, the movement was played in an un- to the final movement. Thinking
conventional interpretative style. As for the Largo, Catie it was over, some of the audience
notes that “[it] was well done. However, I was distracted began to clap but were quickly
by a slumbering Stuart’s impressive head-bobbing in time silenced when the orchestra began
with the contrabass”. playing. At the conclusion of the
The final Rondo: Allegro movement served to reenergize final movement Harbison received
the crowd (and Stuart). It was finely played and fun to listen a standing ovation. Overall, Harbi-
to. The crowd responded to the conclusion of the third move- son’s Symphony No.6 was a success
ment with roaring applause and a standing ovation. For both despite its few awkward moments.
the orchestra and Lief Ove Andsnes had played beautifully. It was confusing and hard to follow
After the intermission, Harbison’s Symphony No. 6 at times for the layperson [read:
started off with a Con moto of the song “Entering the Temple Stuart] due to its technical compli-
in Nîmes” based on the poem by James Wright [Ed. note: no, cation. However, while confusing
not the former president of Dartmouth]. Paula Murrihy, the at first, it grew on you over time.
Mezzo-Soprano soloist, looked stunning as she gracefully Harbison’s Symphony No.6 most
came onto the stage wearing a flowing soft pink evening definitely cannot be described as
gown and a dazzling diamond necklace. Paula Murrihy had “easy listening”.
an amazing voice. Symphony Hall’s linear space seemed to Luckily, the evening finished
perfectly match the resonant overtones of the 600-800Hz with a piece by Strauss that was
Mezzo-Soprano. Considering the piece was commissioned easy listening. As Catie says
by the BSO to be played in Symphony Hall it is no surprise “Strauss is comfort food” which is
that the soloist’s voice perfectly matched the space it was exactly what the audience needed
in. Unfortunately, the orchestra’s playing only seemed to after Harbison’s complex sym-
detract from Murrihy’s angelic singing. Stuart remarked phony to unwind. This enjoyable
piece featured the concertmaster
Mr. Allan is a sophomore at the College and vice president Malcolm Lowe who played notice-
of The Dartmouth Review. ably well on the Stradivarius violin
Ms. Copley is a sophomore at the College and a contribu- known as the “Lafont”.
—John Harbison is a prolific composer; his works include an opera of the F. Scott
tor to The Dartmouth Review. From the deafening roar at the
Fitzgerald classic The Great Gatsby —
 January 27, 2012 The Dartmouth Review Page 11

Lucky Mkosana ‘12 Looking Forward

By William R. F. Duncan Mkosana proved his worth in the MLS combine, where, where soccer is more of a spectacle.
in typical fashion, he excelled when it mattered. While some “The primary difference between soccer here in the
On January 12, star forward and senior captain Lucky had questioned if Mkosana’s extraordinary statistics were States and in Zimbabwe, is that it’s like a show in Zim-
Mkosana ’12 was drafted by the Chicago Fire in the Major solely the result of playing in the Ivy League, Mkosana’s babwe” observes Mkosana. “It’s more of a performance
League Soccer SuperDraft. Drafted 23rd overall, Mkosana performance in the combine silenced any doubters. On the when you play to excite the crowd, but here in the States
is the third Dartmouth graduate to be drafted by an MLS first day of the combine, his team, adiPower, was down 2-1 it much more physical and technical more of a grind to
team. He follows in the going into halftime. Mkosana came off the game.”
footsteps of Dan Keat the bench after halftime and scored a Still, that change in play style hasn’t blunted his enthu-
’10, who started one goal and then assisted the game winning siasm for the game, or his excitement over getting drafted.
game and played in five goal in the 80th minute. In the final game “No words can explain how happy I am,” said Mko-
others for the Los Ange- of the combine, Mkosana scored the first sana. “I feel blessed for this wonderful opportunity and
les Galaxy in his rookie goal of the game to lead adiPower to an want to thank my teammates, coaches, friends, family and
campaign, and the retired undefeated combine record. the Dartmouth community for their support. I’ll miss each
Bobby Meyer ’99 and. Although Ivy League soccer is and every one of you.”
“We are all real- considered weaker compared to other Chicago head coach Frank Klopas was “surprised”
ly excited for Lucky” conferences, Mkosana went into the that Mkosana was still available in the second round of the
says freshman center combine confident in his ability to draft, but he notes that “it was good for us.” Lucky “had
back Nick Rooney, “it’s compete with anyone. a fantastic Ivy League season” says Klopas.
great for the program “My team, my coach, they always “He has a lot of mobility and strength to get behind.
to have a teammate go tell us that if you work
to the MLS. It really hard we can play
shows the strength of our [for] any team in the
coaching.” The fact that [United States], so for
Dartmouth has sent two me it’s all about work-
players to the MLS in ing hard until the last
two years speaks to the minute,” says Mko-
passion and excellence sana. “That’s how
of Indian soccer. we do it in the
Mkosana en- —Mkosana led the Indians in both goals and shots in the 2011 Ivy League. I
ters the MLS with season, with a total of 10 goals and 65 shots during the 17-game know it’s not
a historic record season— known, but
of achievement we play good
for the Indians. Lucky, Dartmouth’s all-time scorer and soccer. It’s a little bit different, but we
points leader tallied ten goals and one assist for a total 21 work hard.”
points in his senior season. These numbers rank Mkosana The Bulawayo, Zimbabwe native
22nd in goals per game and 34th in total goals for the 2011 first gained the attention of Dartmouth —The Chicago Fire, pictured in a pre-game exercise at their home Toyota
NCAA season. He broke the Dartmouth career scoring record coaches at a collegiate showcase in Zim- Park, drafted Mkosana 23rd overall in the 2012 MLS SuperDraft—
on Senior Day last fall when he notched his 34th goal at babwe. After he spent a year at Kimball
Dartmouth, breaking the record, which had stood since the Union Academy in New Hampshire, Mkosana came to He’s also a technical player that can play with his feet fast
1950’s. Mkosana is also the only Dartmouth player to be Dartmouth and made an immediate impact. and is a good two-way player.”
named First Team All-Ivy every year of his accomplished “He has had a fantastic career and I think when it’s all Mkosana should add an element of speed, flair, and
career. It’s no surprise that his success garnered him the Ivy said and done, he’s going to be considered as one of the explosive playmaking to Chicago. The Fire, which finished
League Player of the Year title this season. best players to have played soccer at Dartmouth” says head last season with a record of nine wins, nine loses, and sixteen
Mr. Duncan is a member of the Class of 2015 at the Col- coach Jeff Cook. draws, could find that Mkosana is just the “luck” that they

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lege and a Sports Editor at The Dartmouth Review. The Fire has two other players on the team from Africa, need to succeed in the MLS. ■

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 Page 12 The Dartmouth Review January 27, 2012

We are all, in a sense, experts on secrecy. From earliest
childhood we feel its mystery and attraction. We know
both the power it confers and the burden it imposes. We
learn how it can delight, give breathing space and protect.
—Sissela Bok
If it be a sin to covet honor, I am the most offending soul.
—William Shakespeare
The difference between a moral man and a man of honor
is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it
has worked and he has not been caught.
—H. L. Mencken
Secrecy sets barriers between men, but at the same time
offers the seductive temptation to break through the barriers
by gossip or confession.
—George Simmel
Accuracy is the twin brother of honesty; inaccuracy, of
dishonesty.
—Nathaniel Hawthorne
Whatever hysteria exists is inflamed by mystery, suspicion
and secrecy. Hard and exact facts will cool it.
—Elia Kazan
An autobiography is not about pictures; it’s about the
stories; it’s about honesty and as much truth as you can
tell without coming too close to other people’s privacy.
—Boris Becker
Almost any difficulty will move in the face of honesty. When
I am honest I never feel stupid. And when I am honest I
am automatically humble.
—Hugh Prather
Blunders, no, only friendship binds us to honesty — attract-
ing crypts of mushrooms in the wake of our snowboards.
—Bradley Chicho

Party honesty is party expediency. Both politicians and journalists face situations which strain
—Grover Cleveland their honesty and humanity. My opinion is that politicians
on the average stand up somewhat better than journalists.
A child, from the time he can think, should think about all —Joe McCarthy
he sees, should suffer for all who cannot live with honesty,
gordon haff ’s

the last word.

should work so that all men can be honest, and should be
honest himself.
—Jose Marti
Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy
your hunger, but it won’t taste good.
—Joe Paterno
It is the dissimilarities and inequalities among men which
give rise to the notion of honor; as such differences be-
come less, it grows feeble; and when they disappear, it
will vanish too.
—Alexis de Tocqueville
National honor is the national property of the highest value.
—James Monroe
Honor is the inner garment of the Soul; the first thing put
on by it with the flesh, and the last it layeth down at its
separation from it.
—Akhenaton
Honor is simply the morality of superior men.
—H. L. Mencken
Surely the President can agree with us, that theft from gov-
ernment is not good. I know it’s bold. It’s out on the edge.
Compiled by Meghan K. Hassett I know from a Chicago-Springfield background it’s hard
to fully grasp that honesty could be part of government.
—Newt Gingrich
The higher the classification of secrecy, the quicker you
will report it.
Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your
—George P. Shultz
selfishness. Listen to it carefully.
—Richard Bach
Children love secret club houses. They love secrecy even
when there’s no need for secrecy.
They envy the distinction I have won; let them therefore,
—Donna Tartt
envy my toils, my honesty, and the methods by which I
gained it.
Achievements on the golf course are not what matters,
—Sallust
decency and honesty are what matter.
—Tiger Woods
Treat those who are good with goodness, and also treat
those who are not good with goodness. Thus goodness is
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve
attained. Be honest to those who are honest, and be also
got it made.
—George Burns honest to those who are not honest. Thus honesty is attained.
—Lao Tzu

Barrett’s Mixology
1 ½ parts Grey Goose Vodka
1 part peppermint schnapps
By James M. Keating III

The Whiteout EBAS.com

½ part simple syrup
½ part cream

Crush candy canes & peppermint patties

Throw in mixer & shake haphazardly
Hit the slopes with reckless abandon EBAS (proper noun):
Everything But
You know those wild stories about some hard guy hiking into the wilder-
ness, then forced by fate to saw off a body part in order to survive? How
there’s never anything for them to drink or anything like that? Yeah, I wasn’t
Anchovies, a Hanover
in that situation. At least, not quite.
I’m not quite sure what happened. I guess I took a corner a little too fast culinary institution which
on my favorite black diamond trail, Joybuzzer. When I came to, my helmet
lay cracked in two pieces twenty feet away from me, my goggles hung off of a delivers pizza, chicken
sandwiches and other
pine tree’s branches overhead and from my current vantage point I can’t tell
what happened to the shattered remains of my left boot. In my defense, it’s
a little hard to tell where everything is with a conifer lying across my thighs
and trapping me here. Maybe later I’ll get somebody to come back here
and pick up the scraps of my gear and analyze what happened, CSI style.
local delicacies until
The problem is that I’m not supposed to be here. The run was technically
closed, but when you’ve been skiing as long as I have, you don’t let a little 2:10 A.M. every night.
The ultimate in
thing like trail closure signs slow you down. For that matter, you don’t let
the fact that they haven’t groomed the run or the fact that it’s excessively
icy stop you, either. I’m mountain born-and-bred. I know what I’m doing!
No one knows I’m out here, though, and the light’s fading. I could be
here for some time.
performance fuel.
Thankfully, when I crashed my most important bit of survival equipment
didn’t go flying off into parts unknown. I call it the Whiteout. Ma used to

603-643-6135
make it for me when I’d come back inside, on the verge of frostbite from
playing in the snow all day long. Warms me right up.
I reach inside my North Face jacket and pull my flask out. It’s dented
from whatever impact(s?) it took, but it hasn’t leaked. Glad I bought it for
the solid construction! Come to think of it, wonder if they use those rescue
dogs out here, the kind that have the little casks on their collars…whatever
they’ve got in those things, I’m sure it’s not as good as this stuff.