Long Distance Relationship within context of marriage: non-traditional structure of marriage

A long distance relationship (or LDR for short) is considered long distance when communication opportunities are
restricted because of geographic distance and the partners in the relationship desire a continued, close connection.

Did you know...

 25% to 50% of college students are in a LDR at any given time
 75% of college students at some point have been in a LDR (Stafford, 2005)

Important Traits for LDR Couples

Trust – Trust is essential for both parties in order for a LDR to survive. It's especially important in a long distance
relationship because often there is a fear that your partner will end up with another person. Lack of trust can lead to
doubt, jealousy, suspicion, and paranoia.
Commitment – It’s difficult to put in the effort necessary to make a LDR work without commitment. Temptation to cheat
may be too inviting to individuals who are not committed to the relationship.
Independence – It's helpful for both parties to have some independence due to the long period of separation. With long
distance relationships, it is difficult to depend on one another for gratification and happiness. Partners who have their
own circle of friends and participate in enjoyable hobbies may fare better than couples who are too dependent on each
other.
Organization – It's helpful for partners in a LDR to be well organized, so that they can schedule time for the other into
their agenda every day.

Pros and Cons to a LDR

Pros
 Appreciate the separation in order to focus on school and on each other when together
 Freedom and autonomy
 Sense of rejuvenation when you see your partner in person
 Appreciation for the relationship
 Better rested than those in close-proximity relationships
 Perform better academically

Cons
 Pressure to make sure time spent together is high quality
 Pressure to avoid disagreements
 When separated again, you feel let down or sad to return to your everyday lifestyle without partner
 Sometimes distance creates too much of a gap
 Feelings of loneliness heightens need for security
 Difficulty maintaining intimacy

Pros of Being in a Long-Distance Relationship

Not just physical

Have you ever started dating someone and felt like they were just in it for your looks? Physical attraction has its place in
a healthy relationship, but you want someone who you can carry on a conversation with too. If someone agrees to be in
a long-distance relationship, chances are they're looking for something that's not purely physical.
Builds trust

Want to know how to make long distance relationships work? Being in a long-distance relationship requires trust. You
can't be texting or calling your significant other 24/7 to make sure they are being faithful to you - it just doesn't work
that way.

If you don't naturally trust each other at the beginning, you're going to have to build trust if you want to make it work.
Taking the time to check in on a regular basis (without being overbearing) can show that you care and help make sure
the two of you stay on the same page.

Strong bond

Chances are if you're in a long-distance relationship, you've started to develop a pretty strong bond. Through hundreds
of text messages, long phone calls, and Skype dates, you become a big part of each other's lives even if you're never in
the same room.

Some couples who live together don't have as strong a connection as couples who are dating long-distance. After living
together for a while, couples can start to lose interest in spending time together because they're around each other all
the time.

Learn if your relationship can survive stress and distance

Whether one of you moved after getting together in-person or you met online, most people in long-distance
relationships hope to be together in-person someday. Dating someone long-distance is interesting because it shows you
if your relationship can stand the stress, not being close physically, and not always being able to talk. If your relationship
still flourishes under these conditions, you know that it's right.

Appreciate your time together more

The thing about being in a long-distance relationship is that it makes you really appreciate when you do get to spend
time together. That time might just be daily calls and chats when you live far apart, but if you visit each other on
weekends and holidays those times are going to be that much more special. Unlike couples who spend too much time
together, you're less likely to get on each other's nerves.

Cons of Being in a Long-Distance Relationship

Communication problems

Unfortunately, being in a long-distance relationship isn't always fun and games. If you tend to have trouble with
communication, a long-distance relationship might not be for you. When your communication with your partner consists
mostly of texts and phone calls (with the occasional video chat here and there) a lot can be lost in translation.

Communication problems in long-distance relationships can easily cause misunderstandings that lead to arguments.
Once tensions are high it can be hard to solve things when you aren't able to see and talk to each other in person. In this
scenario, the couple's temperaments are important and will determine if they'll take the time to talk and work things
out.

Loneliness

When you're in a long-distance relationship, things can get a little lonely. You might find yourself wondering if it's worth
it when you see your friends going on dates, moving in with their significant others, and making plans. You may wonder
if that's ever going to be you, if you're ever going to get to live with your partner, and who will eventually make the big
move.

One way to help beat loneliness is by making small gestures to show each other you care. You can look up long-distance
relationship quotes, like, "You're worth every mile between us," or, "I'm jealous of the people who get to see you every
day," to express yourself. You can also search for cute long-distance relationship gifts (like these cute custom picture
frames) to show you care.

Lack of physical intimacy

Lack of physical intimacy is another thing that can stunt a long-distance relationship. It's great to have an intellectual
relationship with someone, but not getting to hug and kiss them gets hard after a while. This can be especially difficult if
you've never met in person and don't know when you will.

This could cause problems if one of you starts looking for intimacy elsewhere when you're in a committed relationship.

Potential for lies, jealousy

If lack of physical intimacy ends in cheating (emotional or physical), it could potentially cause a breakup. You can't keep
tabs on someone 24/7 especially if you live far away from them. If you don't trust each other, this can create huge
problems for your long-distance relationship. Catching each other in little lies can send your jealousy spiraling out of
control.

Working through trust issues in a long-distance relationship takes effort. If you decide to stay together and try to make
things better, you both need to be willing to rebuild trust and make honesty a priority. Looking for long distance
relationship ideas to help you stay together? Try connecting with other couples who have done the long-distance thing
and see how they made it work.

Drifting apart

Another possibility when it comes to long-distance relationships is that eventually, you will start to drift apart. When life
gets busy with work and friends or you meet someone interesting, you might not know how to break it to someone
you've been dating long-distance. Your calls and texts might start to become less frequent, and eventually, you might
'ghost' your partner or get 'ghosted' by them.

Being in a long-term, long-distance relationship that ends out of nowhere without any explanation can be very difficult.
Chances are you'll want to know why things ended but you can't exactly go knocking on their front door demanding
answers. If they don't want to talk it can be hard to force them, which can stop you from getting closure.

Meeting people online can be dangerous

If you're dating someone you've only ever met on the internet, you need to be extra careful. Unless you video chat the
person, be aware that there's always a small chance that they might not be who they say they are. As the MTV show
Catfish has shown us, people can easily steal pictures from other social media profiles and pretend to be someone
they're not.

Many people have fallen for someone they met on the internet and were blindsided to find out that the person they
thought they loved was really someone completely different. When it comes to long-distance relationships that begin
online, you need to keep your guard up until you meet the person face to face. Be wary of people that seem to be hiding
something or situations that sound too good to be true.

PROS:

1. Everyone needs a break

Being in a long distance relationship means that you must spend time away from your partner. It is always nice to
havesome time alone and away from your significant other. While sometimes the amount of time is not idea, everybody
needs a break at some point. Being far apart at times means you won’t get sick of each other. This also allows you to
cherish the times that you do have together more and greatly helps you NOT take advantage of it, which leads me to #2.

2. Time is much, much more valuable

After being apart for a while, you will beg to have that time back when the two of you were doing homework and
hanging out. The feeling of being together will feel better than it normally would. Every time you finally meet up again it
will feel like a honeymoon as the excitement builds up.

3. Excellent communication skills

Being that you cannot talk in person, the main way you communicate is probably going to texting or calling. This will lead
to very strong communication skills because the context clues of being together in person are not there, so you have to
learn it all from a distance. This will help build a very strong relationship, you can so easily tell when the other is upset,
happy, aroused, or having a bad day.

4. Dedication

Being in a relationship with someone so far almost guarantees that you are devoted, dedicated, and in it for the long
run. You would not date someone that you never saw unless you were crazy for that person, and wanted nobody else
but them. There is nothing better than the feeling of being wanted from someone that is so far away. The significant
other doesn’t just want your body, they want you. Long distance relationships are by far one of the most difficult things
in life.

5. Intimacy

This one is pretty self-explanatory. After being apart for so long, there is nothing more you want than to kiss and be in
the arms of the other person. There is no doubting that being intimate with your partner will be so much better after
being apart for so long. When you're making up for all that lost time and venting all of those hormones out of you,
sparks will fly.

Let’s take a look at some of the conclusions from these studies and make sure you take notes.

1. Distance can improve communication.

Distance can make couples more intimate to each other, a study in 2013 concluded. In a long-distance relationship,
couples share more about themselves through different platforms of communications such as SMS, chats, video calls
and phone calls. As a result, you feel more comfortable and at ease in communicating with your partner.

Furthermore, distance can help them express their deepest feelings towards their significant other without the fear of
being judged or respected.

2. Adjusting to distance is easier for women.

A 1994 study found that women can adjust better when in a long-distance relationship as well as in breakups. It was
discovered that breakups do not decrease the distress levels in women. However, this is not the same for men. They are
more distraught after a breakup regardless of who ended the relationship.

Women are also known to be more in touch with their emotions and have developed a clear understanding of their
feelings. Men, on the other hand, sometimes have a hard time to even recognize how they truly feel.

3. You are as happy as those who are together with their partners.
According to a study in 2014, being in a long-distance relationship is not a hindrance for you and your significant other to
be happy. Those who live together with their loved ones are unlikely to be happier than those who are far away from
their partners. Having someone who is miles away from you is not entirely a disadvantage.

4. You idealize your partner.

It is found out that when you are away from your partner, you tend to imagine only the good things about him. Since
you are not together and you can’t see the unpleasant things that he does such as not cleaning the room and washing
the laundry, it is easier to picture your loved one as a perfect individual. How you see practically changes – for the
better.

5. It is expensive.
Maintaining a relationship while you are away from each other can be costly. Aside from spending time and effort, you
also have to expend money. Phone bills and electric bills will increase. Sending a gift will also cost you more since you
have to pay for the package courier. Being in a long-distance relationship will not only test your love and your dedication
– but also your bank account.

6. You think your relationship will last.

Long-distance partners are more likely to think that their relationship will endure, according to a study done by some
psychologists in the University of Denver. Couples usually make plans for the future while they are not together which
gives them hope that the relationship will fare. However, the researchers said that being in a long-distance relationship
does not guarantee your forever since more than half of their participants’ relationship eventually crumbled – but don’t
lose hope.

ALSO READ: 10 Inspiring Tips for a Successful Long Distance Relationship

7. Some prefer long-distance relationship.

In a 2007 study by Katheryn Maguire, it was reported that some were unhappy with their long-distance relationships
even though they knew that it was just temporary. They also felt uncertainty about the future but didn’t care much
about it. On the other hand, others enjoy the freedom of being far from their partners. It just shows that some people
like to be in a long-distance relationship rather than be close with their partners.

8. You become happier as time goes by.

The same study conducted by Katherine Maguire shows that long-distance partners are more satisfied and experience
less stress when they are confident that being away from each other is just temporary. Stability and certainty in a
relationship bring happiness and confidence to couples. The thought that you will be reunited eventually makes the
distance bearable, give them hope and peace of mind.

9. 75% percent of couples have experienced being in a long-distance relationship.

According to this study, around 75 percent of American students report having LDR during their college. At some point,
couples have to be away from their partners due to several reasons. These include job transfers, studies, new
opportunities and other personal matters. The number of people in a long-distance relationship is this big because of the
help of the internet. It is making the lives of couples who are not together easier since they can communicate easily and
be updated about each other’s daily lives. Source:

10. A lot of couples breakup upon reuniting.

A 2006 study found that long-distance relationships come to an end within three months of being together. Most of
them breakup because of the changes in views and goals in life. However, this should not discourage you from pursuing
a long lasting partnership after an LDR.

1. Long-distance relationships aren’t any unhappier than geographically close ones.

A 2014 study of more than 700 long-distance partners and 400 geographically close partners found not that
many significant differences between the two types of relationships. People who lived far away from their
romantic partners were not more likely to be unhappy in their relationships than people who lived close to
their special someone. The researchers write that "individuals in long-distance dating relationships are not at
a disadvantage."

2. Distance can enhance some types of communication.

A 2013 study by researchers from Cornell University and the City University of Hong Kong found that distance
can breed intimacy. In analyzing people’s diaries of their texts, phone calls, video chats, and other
communications with their long-distance partners, the researchers found that long-distance couples felt more
intimate with each other compared to geographically close couples, in part because the LDR couples disclosed
more about themselves in their interactions. Another group of researchers previously found that long-distance
couples reported lower levels of “problematic” communication, including significantly less “minor
psychological aggression towards one’s partner.” It's hard to snap at your partner when you have to pick up
the phone to do so.

3. Being apart makes you idealize your partner.

That same study found that long-distance couples tended to idealize their partners' behaviors. After all, it's a
lot easier to imagine your boyfriend as a chivalrous hunk when you don’t have to look at his dirty laundry or
watch him talk with spinach in his teeth.

4. Couples are happier if distance is understood to be temporary.

A 2007 study by Katheryn Maguire, a researcher who specializes in relationships and distance communication,
found that long-distance partners who were certain that they would reunite with their partners were more
satisfied and less distressed—understandably—than those who didn’t know when or if they’d ever live in the
same city as their beau again. However, the study didn’t test whether these couples were more likely to break
up, just that they reported being happier with a little certainty that one day they’d live in the same city again.

5. Some people actually prefer long-distance relationships.

In the same 2007 study, some participants reported that they knew they would reunite with their partners, but
were unhappy with that outcome. Others felt uncertain about their future with their long-distance partners,
but didn’t care much. This “suggests that there is a subset of individuals who may prefer to remain in a
perpetual [long-distance relationships],” Maguire writes, and some people “may actively seek out a long-
distance relationship so they can have the best of both worlds (a romantic relationship and plenty of
autonomy).”

6. Women adjust to distance more easily.

A 1994 study of college students in long-distance relationships found that women adjusted better to both the
initial separation and the eventual breakup. Breaking up actually decreased women’s distress levels.
Meanwhile, men who were broken up with were the most distressed, compared to women who were broken
up with or men who initiated their breakup.

7. Long-distance couples think they won’t break up…

A 2012 study by University of Denver psychologists followed 870 young people in the U.S. (not just students) in
both long-distance and proximate relationships. Compared to people who lived close to their significant other,
people in long-distance relationships were more likely to perceive that they would still be dating a year later,
and that they would one day marry that partner. By the time researchers sent them a follow -up questionnaire
four months later, however, long-distance couples weren’t any more stable. One-fifth of them had broken
up—about the same as the individuals who were dating someone close to home.

8. …But a significant number of long-distance couples do break up upon reuniting.

A 2006 study of 335 students at Ohio State University found that a full third of long-distance relationships end
within three months of reuniting in the same city.

Quick Stats

 14 million couples define themselves as having a long distance relationship

 3.75 million married couples are in a long distance relationship
 32.5 % of all long distance relationships are college relationships
 75 % of all engaged couples have been (at some point) in a long distance relationship
 2.9 % of all married couples in the states live in a long distance relationship
 10 % of all marriages in the states started out as a long distance relationship

Why Long Distance Relationships?

There are many reasons why some relationships become long distance.

For instance, one or both partners may go away for military duty. Sometimes one partner has to be away for
extended periods of time due to work. However, one of the most common reasons people end up in long
distance relationships is because of college.

In fact, nearly a third of all people who claim they are in this type of relationship say these are college
relationships.

Non-marital relationships are not the only ones in which long distance may be a factor.

The number of long distance marriages has also been on the rise in recent years.

These distances may be more likely to be the result of commuting and other work-related factors that may be
too far away from home for a daily commute that may cost more than it is worth for the job.

Not surprisingly, the economy has played a part in long distance relationships. However, another factor has
also been responsible for the increasing numbers of long distance relationships — the Internet. Online dating
has made many more willing to give a long distance union a chance. Virtual relationships do indeed let people
forge real connections even if they live on opposite ends of the country.

Endurance

One of the myths around long distance relationships is that they are always or more likely to fail than other
kinds of relationships.

However, there is actually no evidence to suggest that this is true.

Of course, not all long distance relationships will survive, but they are not any more likely to end in the demise
than another kind of relationship. Still, long distance couples have to make an effort when they want the
relationship to last.

For instance, the overwhelming majority of long distance relationships, more than two-thirds end when the
couple does not plan for changes in the relationship. A couple that has been together but finds itself apart
at some point will need to make some adjustments in order to make the relationship work. This does not mean
that any relationship that does not plan for the changes is doomed to failure, but it does suggest long distance
couples have more work to do.

While some couples on average think a separation may only last about 14 months, many may end after less
than five if the couple feels it will not work. This could be in part because couples in long distance relationships
are more likely to worry about their partners cheating than those in close proximity relationships.

However, there is no evidence to suggest that those in long distance relationships are more likely to cheat than
others.

Quick stats

 4.5 months – the average time before a long distance relationship breaks down
 40 % of all long distance relationships ends with a break-up
 70 % of all failed long distance relationships fails due to unplanned changes

Making a Long Distance Relationship Work

On average, most people in long distance relationships tend to be at least 125 miles away from each
other.

They tend to visit each other less than twice a month and call each other at least once every three days.

Many couples even still write letters to each other, and on average this can be about three times a month.

There are also other tactics those in long distance relationships need to take in order to make the relationship
work. For instance, many people tend to cut themselves off from friends and others as they wait for their
partners to return. This is usually a mistake. Couples in long distance relationships may have a better chance
at making it work if they find a way to lead separate lives as well as stay optimistic about each other during
separation.

It is also crucial not to avoid unpleasant issues in the relationship when finally reunited. It is tempting
to try to avoid discussing problems in the relationship when long distance couples are together for a short
amount of time. However, it is particularly valuable to see the relationship for what it is and not idealize it in
any way. Setting some ground rules for what can and cannot happen in absence is also vital.

As recommended by Jamie Miller (he sent us an email) couples should purchase hands-free phones. This
allows one to do laundry or daily treadmill runs or other chores while talking to their partner simultaneously
(this is called “parallel communication” in the research world). This can change the whole feel of a telephone
call and produce much greater intimacy in the long run.

Furthermore, keeping sexual intimacy alive is just as vital. While this may seem implausible from a long
distance, there are ways work on having sexual intimacy while couples are separated such as writing erotic
letters. It may be much easier for those who have webcams or other means of “seeing” each other to act out
erotic fantasies or come up with creative ways of staying intimate no matter how far away they are from each
other.

Quick stats

 125 miles – the average distance in a long distance relationships

 1.5 times – the average number of times couples visited each other (per month)
 3 letters – the average number of letters couples write each other (per month)
 2.7 days – the average number of days between couples calling each other
 14 month – the average number of months before couples expect to move back together