14 Ways to Help

Your Child with ADHD

Make Friends

From the ADHD Experts at

 A trusted source of advice and information for families touched by attention-deficit disorder—
and a voice of inspiration to help people with ADHD find success at home, at school, and on the job.

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 14 Ways to Help
Your Child with ADHD
Make Friends

Social skills don’t always come naturally to children with ADHD. Parents can
help their kids make and keep friends by following these ADHD-friendly
strategies.

1. Define the Skills: Kids with ADHD don’t always understand how to
interact with other kids. Expressing how they should behave in specific and
positive terms is more effective than using phrases like, “Be nice,” or “Don’t
be mean.” Instead, tell your child to make sure to share, negotiate, compli-
ment others, and take turns. When you notice him succeeding at one of
these things, let him know you’re pleased.

2. Explain Group Dynamics: Children make new acquaintances by

joining in with others who are playing or talking. Explain and practice the
following steps to help your child more smoothly negotiate group dynam-
ics.First, your child should stand near two people she might be interested in
meeting who are talking to each other. Look at them and say nothing, just
listen. If she is interested in what they are saying, stick around. If not, move
on. If she is still hanging around, tell her to notice if the two children start
looking at her. If they do, they have invited her to join the conversation or
game. If they don’t look at her, they want to be alone. Just walk away.
from the editors of

3
3. Role Play: Rehearse social and conversational skills with your child.
Coach kids on how to behave during a play date. Cover everything from
maintaining eye contact, to interrupting, to saying harsh things. Think of
common play date scenarios. Then, have kids pick between two phrases, and
discuss which would make other children feel better. Instead of his saying
“This is boring,” teach him to say, “Can we play something else for a little
while?” Instead of saying “That’s a stupid game you picked,” teach him to say,
“How about we play Chutes and Ladders?”

4. Find the Right Playmates: Because many kids with ADHD lag be-
hind their peers in social skills, they tend to be more immature than those
without ADHD. As a result, kids with ADHD may feel more comfortable
playing with younger children. Your child will be able to practice her friend-
ship skills without being made fun of. As a bonus, the younger friend will
most likely look up to her older buddy, instilling self-esteem in your child.
Encourage visits from kids your child gets along with, especially ones that
are role models of good social skills. If your child is playing with a new
friend, keep the interaction short until you know the two are compatible. “Sign up your child for
only two activities—
5. Host a Play Date: Invite three or four friends to your house to do
leave time for play
something your child enjoys and is good at—having pizza or playing a video dates.” —Fred Frankel,
game. Or, plan special events around special holidays. You could have a Cin- Ph.D.
co de Mayo festival or an MTV Video Award party. If your child shies away
from groups, invite just one or two friends over.

Before the play date, remind kids that they aren’t always the boss, and help
them live by the motto that the guest is always right. It neutralizes bossiness,
and is easy to enforce if there’s an argument. Try to instill friendship loyalty.
If another friend calls, have your child say, “I’m busy right now, but thanks.
I’ll get back to you later.”

Then, make an excuse to hang around in a nearby room to see how things go.
Parents who get the best results intervene at the “point of performance”—in
the setting where and when the skill is required. As your child gets older, it’s
best to let him handle social situations on his own, but be available to talk.

6. Use a Behavioral Report Card: Make a list of the social skills you’ve 14 Ways to Help
practiced along with a reward for successfully using it. This type of contract Your Child with ADHD
sets children up for success by telling them what to do and when to do it, Make Friends
and by providing incentives. The social approval that results will eventually from the editors of

4
be its own reward. Typically, a behavioral report card lets a child earn points
for behaviors and trade them in for rewards. The best rewards are enjoyable
activities—such as staying up late, taking a bubble bath, or renting a video—
rather than money, food, or costly toys.

7. Help Kids Stop Interrupting: Kids with ADHD don’t always real-
ize that they are interrupting, or that their behavior is disturbing to their
friends. Simply telling them that they shouldn’t interrupt doesn’t help. Even
if they know it’s wrong, their impulsivity overrides their self-control. “Friendships are not
a luxury. They’re a
Parents can help with “No Interrupting” training. Tell your child that you’re
going to be doing an activity that can’t be interrupted (say, talking on the necessity.” —Richard
phone). Set your child up with a task that will hold her attention while you’re Lavoie, special-education
talking, and then take breaks every few minutes to visit with your child and consultant in Barnstable,
praise her for not interrupting. Massachusetts

Then add an incentive. Begin the week with a pot of five dollars. Assign a val-
ue—say 10 cents—to each bead on an abacus or other visual counter. Each
time you have to slide a bead because of an interruption, 10 cents should be
removed from the pot. At the end of the week, your child gets to keep what’s
left. Take your child out for a treat with the money she’s earned.

If impulsive behavior—dominating play, interrupting, jumping from one MOM, I MADE A

thing to the next—consistently keeps other kids away, medication could NEW FRIEND!
help children get control of this ADHD symptom. Help your child make and
keep buddies by following
these “friendly” strategies.
8. Ask for Help from Teachers: Talk with the teacher and ask if she
additudemag.com/
can pair up students to tackle some classwork and projects together. Your
slideshow/24/
child won’t get lost in the chaotic process of picking partners and feel left out
and unconnected. Plus, working with a classmate will strongly encourage
your child to practice his social skills.

Teachers can encourage social skills for the whole class by taking playground
breaks from the classroom routine whenever possible. Children relax when
they play games that everyone knows—and they forget their differences.
Weakness that may show up in the classroom may disappear on the play-
ground. The best choices are noncompetitive games, like “Amoeba Tag,” in
which the goal is for everyone to be “It.” 14 Ways to Help
Your Child with ADHD
Make Friends
from the editors of

5
9. Tease-Proof Your Child: Good social skills can help fend off a bully
at school. The most effective technique for deflecting teasing is humor. Re-
hearse humorous comebacks to classmates who tease your child. He should
never tease back. Some examples include: “Boo-hoo” (said half-heartedly
and pretending to rub one eye with a closed fist), “So what?”, “I heard that
one in kindergarten,” “Tell me when you get to the funny part,” “And your
point is…”, “Talk to the hand ‘cause the face ain’t listening.” Once you’ve
armed your child with socially acceptable ways to respond, let him play the
role of the child being teased while you play the teaser. Then switch roles,
varying the “script” to explore the different ways in which the scenario could
play out. You might videotape the role-playing sessions and review the tapes
at a later time with your child to reinforce appropriate behavior.

Remember to let your child know that it’s normal to be upset by teasing, that FREE SOCIAL
it is not OK for children to pick on him. SKILLS GUIDE
Find tips to help your
child make friends, stand
10. Set a Good Example: Demonstrate social skills, so your child can
up to bullies, and develop
follow your example. The simple acts of making friends with other parents,
a social network.
having relatives over for dinner, and keeping in touch with friends through
additudemag.com/
PTA groups and church teach your child about social skills. Showing your
resource-center/
child how you make friends may give him clues on how he can do it. Plus,
friendships-for-adhd-
telling other parents about your child’s social issues makes them more likely
kids.html
to take an interest. They might encourage other children to include your
child in activities.

11. Try a Social Skills Training Program: Sometimes the direct ap-
proach works best. Sign up your child for a social skills program outside of
school or talk with the guidance counselor or special needs teacher in your
school to form a social skills group. Educational experts highly recommend
the following programs: Project ACHIEVE’s Stop & Think Social Skills Pro-
gram; Skillstreaming the Adolescent, developed by Arnold Goldstein and
Ellen McGinnis; and “Social Skills Autopsy,” developed by Rick Lavoie.

12. Stay Positive: Progress often comes slowly, so praise him for his efforts
every inch of the way. As your child learns new social skills, don’t blast him when
he makes missteps. Be patient and pick up a cue from your child to gently sug-
gest advice. If your child complains that no one likes her or she doesn’t have any 14 Ways to Help
friends, hear her out. Then say, “Sometimes kids with ADD have trouble getting Your Child with ADHD
along with friends. There are some things you can do to get along better with Make Friends
your friends. Want to hear about them?” At this point, she will be all ears. from the editors of

6
13. Create special moments at home: Plan 15 minutes of qual-
ity time with your child several times each week. Do fun things together,
just the two of you, without directing or criticizing his behavior. If you’re
at a baseball game, talk about his favorite player or whether the team has a
chance of winning the World Series. Building a relationship with your child
pays off in terms of friendships. Some studies show that when parents work
on relationship-building at home, they see better behavior in a child’s peer
relationships right away.

14. Don’t forget to embrace your child’s differences: Kids don’t Find more free ADHD
have to be the same as everyone else. Not every child with ADHD will be a resources like this at
social butterfly—and that’s OK. Studies show that having one close friend is ADDitudeMag.com.
enough to develop self-confidence. Most socially isolated children will even- For more free ADHD
tually learn how to handle their behaviors and establish friendships on their printables like this,
own. Once adolescence hits, kids tend to act on the urge to fit in. There will visit http://additu.de/
be friends for your child in the future, even if it takes a little while. download

14 Ways to Help
Your Child with ADHD
Make Friends
from the editors of

7
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are some things parents can do to help. Fred Frankel, Ph.D., shares strategies Children (weekly)
for helping your child foster true friendships. Strategies and support for par-
ents on behavior and discipline,
time management, disorganiza-
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>> http://www.additudemag.com/RCLP/sub/10656.html
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Dealing with an emotionally volatile teen? It could be her ADHD. Thomas
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as advice for teaching teens to find emotional balance.