Text from my initial
assignment: received from De Piero or a
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea,
punctuation, piece of
evidence, etc.)
“If the reader gets
attracted to a certain post
from one hiker, they click
on that authors name
from the corresponding
post and it brings them
right to that blog! As
stated by Janet Boyd in
her essay from a chapter
in Writing Spaces: Readings
on Writing, Volume 2:
Every time you go to write
anything… whether actively
conscious of the purpose or
not, you are making
decisions about which
words to use and what tone
to establish as you order
your thoughts based upon
what is appropriate for your
intended audience in that
context (Boyd 87).”
My whole Wp1 was
originally organized in a
way that my information
did not make sense so
nothing strongly
supported my thesis
statement. I organized it
like a 5 paragraph essay
with my body paragraphs
like
-Source #1
-Source #2
-Source #3
I added this sentence to
my revised WP1 (there
was no original sentence)
A comment or question I The change(s) I made to How this change
what I initially wrote: impacts my
classmate: piece:
(or a thought that you had on (i.e. the change I made to
your own) column 1)
I'm not seeing the connection “As stated by Janet Boyd At first, the quote
here -- how do these 2 in her essay from a chapter
was kind of just
sentences relate to one in Writing Spaces: Readings
there and it did
another? Are they both on Writing, Volume 2: not really relate to
"getting at" the same idea? If Every time you go to write what I was talking
so, it might be worth anything…whether actively about. After I
conscious of the purpose or
explicitly mentioning that idea reorganized my
+ using it as a way to not, you are making decisions whole WP1, I
about which words to use
transition. found a spot to
and what tone to establish as
you order your thoughts put it where it did
based upon what is make sense. After
appropriate for your intended that, I further
audience in that context explained that
(Boyd 87). quote so that the
The bloggers who wrote reader understood
the short snippets of why I put it where
themselves to get people I did and how it
to click on their name to relates to what i
get to their blog, used was talking about
Boyds concept. They knew before I inserted
that their purpose was to the quote.
get more people to go to
their blog, so, they made
decisions to use certain
words to create a tone that
reached out to their
audience.”
Wright, I’m wondering if your I changed my paper After these
paper would benefit from re- exactly the way that Zack changes, my essay
structuring the organization. had suggested I do with is a lot more
Could your paper/argument ideas 1, 2, and 3 and then coherent. It’s
unfold a more integrated / using the 3 sources as easier for me to
interwoven way if you did needed. understand so I’m
something like: sure it’s easier for
-Idea #1 (and then other readers to
incorporate sources 1, 2, 3) understand.
-Idea #2 (and then
incorporate sources 1, 2, 3)
-Idea #3 (and then
incorporate sources 1, 2, 3?
My thought - “Hey, Zack “Some information on I added a list of
really seemed like he wanted hiking— maps, weather, more specific
us to try and use a dash in accommodations, hiking forms of
one of our revised WP’s! I checklist, safety tips — the “information”

“However; a possible
secondary audience could
be a scientist who is
looking to conduct an
experiment on certain
animals living in the
woods of the Smoky
Mountains National
Park.”
able to realize that each
blog is from the same
genre, just with their own
unique distinctions(97).
On the contrary the tone
for Hiking Lady is similar
to that of, both, The Trek
Bloggers, and Hiking in the
Smokeys. She uses an
intriguing and informative
voice to teach her readers
what she is explaining,
but is enthusiastic and
meaningful when it
comes to writing posts
that she wants to excite
her readers with. Taking
into consideration
“According to a chart
created by The Statistics
Portal, there was an
increase of 15 million
people who participated
in hiking from 2006 to
2017.”
Although hiking can be to
simply clear ones head for
an hour, many people
enjoy the full experience
of hiking and camping
out for days or even
weeks. Some who are
interested in hiking might
just go outside and walk
until they find a nice path
to continue their journey
think I’ll try it out!”
Another great observation.
The next step here is to think:
how/why does this connect
back to a greater argument
that I can make? (Why are
you telling the reader this
info?)
Hmm... I'm wondering what
the central focus of the
paragraph is -- first I was
reading about baby trails, and
now I'm reading about
enthusiastic tone. How do
these ideas fit together? What
the answer is, consider
making that crystal-clear in
your topic sentence so your
reader can anticipate what's
coming up. If doing that is
tough, then that's probably a
clue that you could benefit
from multiple paragraphs.
don't forget that you always
need to cite statistics (within
your paper + in the Works
Cited section).
you got a bit of "fluff" going
on here -- see if you can cut
this down by half
author finds important to
update and educate the
public on.”
“Scientists, extreme hikers,
and pregnant women have
absolutely nothing in
common, except that they
are all human. It is clear
that each blog has their
own intended audiences
that they address through
their display of their
purpose.”
Since I rearranged my
essay, it is structured so
that paragraph 5 of my
essay discusses tone,
which is what I was talking
about in the original
paragraph.
I added a works cited page
at the end of my essay that
has 4 sources — Statistics
portal and the three blogs
websites.
Although hiking can be to
simply clear ones head for
an hour, many people
enjoy the full experience
of hiking and camping out
for days or even weeks.
These folks may be
inclined to surf the web
for good spots to hike, tips
on hiking, or even gear
used for the activity at
into the sentence
without disrupting
the flow. (I hope I
used the dash
correctly, if not at
least I tried)
I explained why I
stated that a
secondary source
could be a
scientist and how
it supports my
argument.
The paragraph is
no longer all over
the place. I write
about one topic
— tone —
compared to
writing about baby
trails, tone, and
the author’s
purpose.
This allows me to
give these sources
credit for what
they have done
and also avoid
plagiarizing.
Cutting out a lot
of the “fluff”
allows me to get
right to the point
of why I am
writing the essay.
This also avoids
confusing the
reader with what
the essay will be
about. They won’t
on, but when it comes to hand. have to guess,
those hardcore hikers instead, it will be a
whose passion is nature, clear and easy “oh!
they might tend to be a That’s what the
little more invested in author is writing
where they are going to about!” Also, I cut
hike. These folks may be it down by almost
inclined to surf the web exactly half!
for good spots to hike,
tips on hiking, or even
gear used for the activity
at hand.
“When looking through Wright: this is good stuff -- “When looking through I edited my thesis
blogs such as The Trek it's clear to me that you're blogs such as The Trek a little bit without
Bloggers, Hiking in the going to be making a "writing Bloggers, Hiking in the getting rid of that
Smokeys, and Hiking Lady, about writing" argument here. Smokeys, and Hiking Lady, “writing about
each sites sole purpose is I'm wondering, though, if you each sites sole purpose is writing”
to focus on mountain can provide some more to focus on mountain argument. This
hiking; however, there are specific direction + give me a hiking; however, each blog helps the reader to
more differences heads up of what some of the differs when it comes to know what
compared to similarities differences are. the author's purpose, the differences and
than expected when it audiences, and their similarities they
comes to each author's conventions — but, are are looking out for
purpose, the audiences, similar in regards to tone.” while reading my
conventions, and tones.” essay. Less
confusion :)
“writers and bloggers,” Nice observations. Now: All the conventions from By giving
“the books,” “about,” how/why does this relate each blog are significantly examples of
“store,” “thru-hiker gear back to your argument? different; although, Boyd conventions and
list,” and “how to thru- Answering that q is tough b/c claims that “we can explaining why I
hike”. Under each of your argument is still classify these things used them gives
those tabs are more links, emerging -- that's normal and according to the the reader an
or conventions; such as, natural, though. :) conventions of their understanding of
“an interactive map,” genres” which is why the why I chose to use
“apply to be a blogger,” reader is still able to realize them— they
“contact us,” “our team,” that each blog is from the support my
“appalachian trail guide,” same genre, just with their argument!
and more.” own unique
distinctions(97).”
“Dear Dr. Dreschel, During our phone call “I hope you are wrapping The warm
My name is Kate Wright conference, Zack said that my up the fall semester nicely opening lets the
and I am a student at outreach email lacked a warm and getting ready for the professor know
Penn State Abington, tone from the get-go holidays!” that I am sincere
currently majoring in in asking her to be
veterinary and biomedical my mentor and
sciences.” that I care
“Recently, I have been UPark prof, then you're not I looked up a similar Now, my outreach
working on an ACURA doing an ACURA project undergraduate research email is more
(Abington College proposal... you gotta do activity that is held at realistic in terms
Undergraduate Research something relevant to UPark University Park every of who I am
Activities)” semester. sending it to and
“I am writing this email to where they are

“Recently, I have been
working on an ACURA
(Abington College
Undergraduate Research
Activities)”
“I've looked into some of
your work and it seems
that your interests are
very similar to mine;
consequently, I anticipate
we will be able to form a
successful team together!
“I've looked into some of
your work and it seems
that your interests are
very similar to mine;
consequently, I anticipate
we will be able to form a
successful team together!
You also have an
extensive background in
scholarly work related to
companion animal
science, animal behavior,
and animal welfare which
I find will be useful if you
choose to be my mentor.”
“Below, I've attached an
annotated bibliography
that I put together for
your reference.”
ask yourself: what's their
purpose...
to see if they would be your
mentor on an ACURA
project....
my devil's advocate thought: I
don't believe you. (Can you
prove it?)
next sentence... combine into
the 1st one?
Q: why would you do
something like that?
ask you if you would be
interested in being my
mentor for the Eberly
College of Science Fall
Undergraduate Poster
Exhibition”
“Recently, I have been
conducting research based
off of the question…”
“I've read your scholarly
work and have enjoyed all
of them, especially the one
on stress in shelter dogs
and the use of foster care
to improve animal
welfare…”
“I've read your scholarly
work and have enjoyed all
of them, especially the one
on stress in shelter dogs
and the use of foster care
to improve animal welfare
— the fact that our
interest are very similar
lead me to believe that we
would be a very successful
team if you decide to be
my mentor.”
“Below, I've attached an
annotated bibliography
that I have been working
on diligently. Included are
some scholarly articles,
one of them being yours,
that I find will be useful
for me to look at while
continuing this project.”
actually located. It
doesn’t make
sense for me to
ask a professor at
UPark to mentor
me at Abington
Instead of telling
the professor that
I have been
working on the
project, I told her
that I was
researching it! I’m
writing the email
to ask her to work
on it with me!
I reference one of
her scholarly
journal articles to
prove that I did
look into some of
her work
I changed both of
these sentences so
that they are more
effective in
persuading the
professor to be
my mentor, while
shortening it at
the same time to I
get my points
across faster
without having
her lose interest.
Adding that I
worked on the
annotated
bibliography
“diligently” and
included one of
her articles shows
that I’m trying to
prove to her that
I’m very serious
and invested in
this research
“I'd like to hear your final q: is this putting too much I understand that time is I took the
decision by the first week pressure on the prof? hard to come by these sentence that was
of December, as I am follow-up q: if you re- days, therefore, do not feel after the original
eager to continue my arranged this para a bit -- and obligated to be my mentor one and I put it in
research and finalize it for keep what you already have -- if you cannot fit it into front to initiate
presentation in the 2019 could that help to alleviate your busy schedule. the opt-out clause
annual ACURA poster some of the pressure and, in However, I'd like to hear sooner. That way,
fair.” effect, elevate your "opt-out your final decision by the when I ask for the
clause?" first week of January, as I professor to
am eager to continue my answer by a
research and finalize it for certain time she
presentation in the 2019 isn’t as
annual Eberly College of overwhelmed.
Science Fall Undergraduate
Poster Exhibition.
Fehringer, A., and you wanna apply the same Fehringer, A. and The first citation
N. A. Dreschel. exact citation Dreschel, N. (2014). of my annotated
"Stress in shelter "Formula"/equation to each Stress in shelter bibliography was
dogs and the use of entry dogs and the use of incorrectly
foster care to foster care to formatted and did
improve animal improve animal not match the
welfare." Journal of welfare. Journal of other citations.
Veterinary Veterinary Now, it looks just
Behavior: Clinical Behavior: Clinical like the others —
Applications and Applications and more consistent.
Research 9.6 Research, 9.6,
(2014): e11. pp.e11.
(42). MLA (p. 42) → I added (p. #) Shows knowledge
" (42). to all my quotes and consistency of
APA citations