from the daily bruin

FALL 2018

FACING
TOMORROW ˆ´ SÓT/
FROM THE ROAD SONG FROM HERE
TO ROYCE SURVIVAL ON OUT
A former rock band manager How survival bridges generations A graphic novel on moving past
PG 8
finds his place at UCLA of Vietnamese-Americans
PG 13 doubts about the future
PG 40
 cover photo by LIZ KETCHAM

Juliette Le Saint [ PRIME director ]

Alexandra Del Rosario [ PRIME content editor ]
Megan Le [ PRIME art director ]

in t
[ writers ]
Susana Alcantar, Polina Cherezova, Alexandra
Del Rosario, Kristie-Valerie Hoang, Hanna
Rashidi, Teddy Rosenbluth, Claire Sun, John
Tudhope

[ photographers ]

Declined Health, Declining Help

4
Amy Dixon, Kristie-Valerie Hoang, Liz Ketcham,
Axel Lopez, Jenna Nicole Smith, Niveda Tennety

[ illustrators & graphic designers ] For Westwood’s homeless community, medical help is
Nicole Anisgard Parra, Juliette Le Saint, Angela readily available – it’s just a matter of accepting it.
Song, Claire Sun, Hanna Rashidi, Mavis Zeng

[ designers ]

From the Road to Royce

Bilal Ismail Ahmed, Megan Le, Juliette Le Saint,

8
Edward Qiao, Angela Song, Callista Wu

Anush Khatri [ copy chief ]

Rachel Wong [ assistant copy chief ]
LETTER FROM THE A former Red Hot Chili Peppers road manager reflects
on his shift from life on tour to life as a student.

EDITORS
Olivia Fitzmorris, Elton Ho, Phillip Krings, Saskia
Lane, Maris Tasaka, Nidhi Upadhyay, Grace Ye
[ slot editors ]

Sống Sót / SURVIVAL

Nathan Smith [ online editor ]

Henna Dialani, Dustin Newman, Richard Yang,
Grace Yu, Mike Zhang [ assistant online
editors ]
Kevin Qian [ prime website project manager ]
Mindi Cao, Karl Huang, Max Wu [ prime
website developers ]
[ daily bruin ]
Jacob Preal [ editor in chief ]
Amy Baumgartner [ managing editor ]
Michael Zshornack [ digital managing editor ]
Jeremy Wildman [ business manager ]
Abigail Goldman [ editorial adviser ]
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All rights are reserved. Reprinting of any material in
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Communications Board is strictly prohibited. The
ASUCLA Communications Board fully supports the
University of California’s policy on non-discrimination.
13
Recounting the stories of survival that bridge together
first- and second- generation Vietnamese-Americans.
Dear reader,
Thank you for picking up the first prime issue of the year! Within the pages
Tuning the Mind
18
of this magazine, you’ll find stories exhibiting the importance of change and
initiative through multiple faces of the UCLA community. A pianist’s mission to move past her overthinking
tendencies and connect with music at its heart.
This issue features intrepid individuals whose decisions led them to the
steps of Royce Hall as well as communities pushed to action by their desire
to survive while securing a voice in local and national institutions. Writers
Fighting for Home
also explore how the ethics of choice challenge the assertion of basic human
rights, and how the evolving nature of media allows UCLA students to expand
their own social circles.
How members of the UCLA community continue to
advocate for the rights of undocumented students.
24
Every day we make choices that affect how we move forward in the world –

Slowing the Storm

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30
whether we notice it or not. Contributors recount how choosing to maneuver
beyond doubts and mental inhibitions allows them to live unapologetically
and in the right key. Even after our short years on this campus come to an An illustrative ode to little moments overshadowed
end, we will choose what we want to remember, from the stories we share to by loud landmarks of memory.
our most precious moments and experiences.
On Demand On Campus
34
We wish you all the best!
Warmest Regards, A snapshot of UCLA’s video streaming culture
and what it means for the future.

From Here On Out

2 prime.dailybruin.com
Juliette Le Saint Alexandra Del Rosario Megan Le One student’s journey in overcoming internal
and external doubts to live on her own terms.
40
PRIME | FALL 2018 3
 DECLINED DECLINING
HEALTH HELP
written by TEDDY ROSENBLUTH photos by AMY DIXON
designed by MEGAN LE

Donovan Wilkes was eating lunch in his office when two of his colleagues told him Miss
Mary, an older homeless woman he had been checking on, wasn’t responsive.

It was 11 a.m., two hours after Miss Mary usually woke up, packed her belongings and
walked to Peet’s Coffee for her first cup of coffee of the day.

“My heart dropped,” Wilkes said. “The only thing I was thinking was, ‘Go to her.’”

W
ilkes, an outreach
specialist for homeless
people in Westwood,
is tasked with an
impossible job: provide care to
those who refuse it. Every day,
he asks his regulars with serious
health concerns if they are ready to
accept resources, such as housing or
medical treatment. Every day, they
reject his offers of help.
Often, the people he meets with
are cognizant enough to refuse
services, but their mental illnesses
can deter them from seeking
treatment, even if their health
has deteriorated into severe,
and sometimes life-threatening,
conditions.
The death rate among homeless
people in Los Angeles has increased
nearly 81 percent in the last four
years. A 2018 report from the
Los Angeles County Department
of Mental Health suggested a
significant number of these deaths
were caused by treatable diseases
such as pneumonia and bacterial
infection, often in individuals with
mental illness.
Desperate to keep his clients alive,
Wilkes has started considering the
idea of involuntary commitment,
a thought that makes him deeply
uncomfortable. To him, involuntary
commitment pits two fundamental
ideas against one another: the belief
in individual choice and the moral
duty to help those who are unable
to help themselves.
In the last year, some Los Angeles
politicians have proposed legislation
that would make it easier to
involuntarily treat people living
with mental illness. But doctors,
politicians and Los Angeles residents
disagree about the morality, and
sometimes practicality, of increased
institutionalization.
Wilkes sprinted down Westwood
Boulevard to Yogurtland, where Miss
Mary slept every night. A Yogurtland
employee was in front of the store,
already setting up chairs and tables
for the day. Miss Mary was slumped
facedown over the brick stoop in
front of the store.
Wilkes called her name. No
response. He gently shook her. She
jolted awake and grimaced at him.
Miss Mary’s health had been
declining for a couple of months,
but now Wilkes said it was worse.
Her legs were badly swollen and she
couldn’t stand up on her own. Seven
minutes later, paramedics arrived.
They asked her if she wanted to be
taken to the hospital.
Miss Mary politely declined.
They asked how she was going to
walk.
“I’m fine,” she said.
Under the current law, as long as
Miss Mary denies services, Wilkes
can’t do anything to help her.
“Her whole arm could be missing
and as long as she says, ‘I’m OK,’
that’s it,” he said.
Mark Morocco, an emergency
DONOVAN WILKES
medicine doctor at Ronald Reagan
UCLA Medical Center, said some
mental illnesses manifest themselves
in the exact kind of behavior that
makes it difficult for individuals to
receive medical care.
“If you’re paranoid about your
medications and you think they’re
poison, because of the nature of your
psychiatric disease, it’s pretty likely
you’ll stop taking your medications,”
Morocco said.
On his daily 6:30 a.m. walk through
Westwood, Wilkes can describe each
homeless person’s health conditions.
Julie, who sleeps in front of Stan’s
Corner Doughnut Shop, has a tumor
on the back of her head. Mike, who
sleeps in front of Target, can’t go to
the bathroom without stabilizing
himself with a shopping cart.
Wilkes worries about Miss Mary the
most, though. She’s the oldest. He said
he thinks she is at the highest risk of
dying on the street. Still, he struggles
to get her to accept even trivial
resources, like a toothbrush.
Melissa Montes, a city employee
who has been checking on Miss Mary
for the past five years, said Miss
Mary used to wake up, take the bus
down to Santa Monica to shower and
eat, panhandle in front of CVS and
then return to Yogurtland around
midnight.
Now, it takes her two or three hours
just to leave the stoop in front of
Yogurtland.
“I always tell (Wilkes) I’m scared
there’s one day where she’s not going
to move and we’re not going to know
what to do,” Montes said.
Others on the street have started
worrying about Miss Mary’s health as
well. Many give her old blankets and
pillows, which she always declines.
Debbie, a homeless person who
has known Miss Mary for four years,
checks on her every day when she
gets off of the bus.
“I say, ‘You need to get to the doctor
– you could die,’” Debbie said. “She
says, ‘No, I’m OK.’ She’s a good lady,
she doesn’t bother anybody. But she
needs to get off them legs.”
In a thick, green binder, Wilkes
keeps meticulous documentation of
all of his clients’ progress in getting
resources. “Declined services” is
scribbled next to each entry on Miss
Mary’s record sheet. Wilkes submitted
these records to the Department of
Mental Health – to see if she would
qualify for involuntary commitment
– a couple of weeks after he called the
ambulance for her.
Under the Lanterman-Petris-
Short Act, state officials can detain
someone if they determine they are
gravely disabled – defined as unable
to provide food, water or shelter for
themselves due to mental illness.
People labeled as gravely disabled
can be detained for 72 hours, at which
point the court can order a 14-day
hold for more intensive treatment
or appoint a conservator, who takes
control over their medical decisions.
The LPS Act, signed by then-
Governor Ronald Reagan in 1967,
attempted to end “inappropriate,
indefinite, and involuntary
commitment of persons with
mental health disorders” by placing
regulations on the way state officials
institutionalize people.
It was the first law in the United
States to aggressively attempt to
deinstitutionalize patients with
mental illness and did so with
remarkable success, emptying 95
percent of the state’s mental health
institutions.
But some politicians think
California laws have swung too far to
one extreme, celebrating independent
choice while allowing patients with
mental illness to die on the streets
from preventable diseases.
The Los Angeles County Board
of Supervisors approved a motion
in January that asked California
legislators to expand the definition
of “gravely disabled” in the LPS Act

4 PRIME | FALL 2018 5

MISS MARY
to include those who cannot seek
medical care for themselves.
For some, the motion was a blatant
and unsettling infringement on
freedom of choice. Supervisor Sheila
Kuehl, the board’s lone dissenter on
the motion, said medical institutions
in California have historically
stripped patients with mental illness
of their right to make decisions for
themselves.
“I worry about these decisions and
what’s going to happen to people
when you say, ‘You’re not taking care
of yourself, I’m going to take care of
you,’” she said during the meeting.
Others, like Susan Partovi, a family
medicine doctor at UCLA, said they
don’t think the bill is a violation of
independent choice because they
think without mental illness, many
people would choose treatment for
themselves.
Partovi has treated homeless people
with mental illness for more than 15
years. Early in her career, her mentor
told her about a homeless woman
living on the streets of Los Angeles
with paranoid schizophrenia. It took
outreach specialists years to convince
her to just accept a sandwich.
Eventually, as her mental illness
progressed, she was involuntarily
hospitalized and treated. Years later,
the woman ran into the outreachers
and she was furious they didn’t
institutionalize her earlier.
“She was basically like, ‘Fuck you for
leaving me on the streets like that.
How dare you not help me in my time
of need,’” Partovi said.
After getting to know a homeless
person, Partovi said she can often
predict when they’re going to die from
6 PRIME | FALL 2018
a preventable illness – whether it be
in a couple days, weeks or months
– but can do little to stop it from
happening.
“You know that they’re going to die
so you’re trying everything,” she said.
“You’re like, ‘How about if I buy you a
hamburger’ or ‘How about if I buy you
some cigarettes?’ You’re following that
whatever-it-takes philosophy to get
them treatment.”
However, she said when these tactics
inevitably fail, she thinks it is up to
doctors and officials to make the final
life-or-death decision.
“A child can kick and scream and
say, ‘No, I don’t want chemotherapy,’
but if you’re a parent, you’re going to
go ahead with the treatment anyway,”
she said.
Partovi said passing a law that
would provide care for medically and
mentally ill people on the streets is
the least California can do to handle
the rising death rate of homeless
people.
Sarah Dusseault, the former chief
of staff for city Councilmember David
Ryu, doesn’t think expanding the
definition of “gravely disabled” is the
difficult ethical problem that many
politicians claim it to be.
“People are having these discussions
without actually having the real life
experience,” she said.
Dusseault said, for the last 20 years,
she has taken care of her brother
John Dusseault, who has come close
to dying multiple times. She said
many of the politicians arguing over
the expansion of the definition of
“gravely disabled” haven’t experienced
the emotionally and financially
exhausting process of helping a
DEBBIE
mentally ill family member get
treatment.
John Dusseault was 20 years old and
studying at Oklahoma State University
when he first started showing
symptoms of schizophrenia. His sister
said he was charming, a talented
pianist and looked remarkably like
Bradley Cooper in “A Star is Born.”
As his mental illness became more
severe, John Dusseault stopped going
to class and spent most of his time
in his dorm. A couple of months
later, he dropped out of college. He
cycled on and off of his medication
and was on and off of the streets for
the next 20 years. Sarah Dusseault
would sometimes go months without
knowing where he was.
When her brother was missing,
Sarah Dusseault went through her
usual routine: She sent pictures
of him to local outreach agencies,
regularly checked the California
inmate tracker and filed missing
persons reports to the police. She
estimated she and her siblings filed at
least 10 of these reports.
“The first thing they do is check the
morgue for you,” she said. “My brother
is in the range of people that are so
severely ill that it is a likely outcome
that he will die on the streets.”
Sarah Dusseault said she and her
siblings have paid for their brother’s
visits to the doctor, rent, furniture
and clothing, among other things. The
family has spent tens of thousands of
dollars in legal fees alone, she said.
“They’re exhausted,” she said.
“Everybody has jobs and families. It’s
really hard to balance when you get a
call out of the blue and you’re headed
to a parent-teacher conference, and
he’s only going to be on that street
corner for 30 minutes.”
Aside from ethical concerns from
family members and politicians,
there are also practical concerns that
might make this bill an imperfect
solution. Many doctors are concerned
“
about how an already strained mental
health system
would handle
an influx
of patients, You’re following
committed
under a new that WHATEVER-
definition of
“gravely disabled.”
Ariel Seroussi,
IT-TAKES
an inpatient
psychiatrist at
philosophy to get
the Stewart and
Linda Resnick them treatment.
Neuropsychiatric
Hospital at UCLA,
said California already has a shortage
of beds in psychiatric facilities. He
worries expanding the definition of
“gravely disabled” could exhaust the
amount of space and staff available at
psychiatric hospitals.
When beds are limited, patients are
placed in a temporary-care facility
while they wait for a spot to open in
a psychiatric hospital. One of these
places is the emergency room, which,
according to Morocco, is just about
the worst place to treat someone
living with mental illness.
Morocco described the emergency
room as a “public, blunt instrument”
that can do little to shield patients
from seeing gruesome injuries and
crying family members. To anyone,
this environment would be stressful.
To patients with mental illness, it
MELISSA MONTES
can be traumatic.
“(The emergency room) is never
going to be the warmest and most
human place for treatment,” he said.
“This would be a terrible place to do
any kind of basic communication-
based treatment for people having
behavioral health issues.”
Seroussi said he
understands the
rationale behind
the bill and thinks
it’s important to
eventually expand
the definition
of “gravely
disabled” if the
state allocated
more resources
to mental health
facilities. However,
without additional
staff, space and
funding, he isn’t sure the mental
health care system can currently keep
up.
The California State Assembly
passed the bill to expand the
definition of “gravely disabled” in May,
with little opposition. Then, a couple
of months later in the state Senate,
a familiar conflict arose: One set of
legislators argued it is inhumane to
involuntarily treat people, and the
other argued it is inhumane not to.
State Sen. Holly Mitchell, who
worked on the original LPS Act,
compared California’s policy on
institutionalization to a pendulum,
oscillating between laws that place
more value on the right to choose and
the right to live.
“I don’t want the pendulum to
swing in the other direction and start
MARK MOROCCO
to peel back independent rights,” she
said.
Amid practical concerns about
funding and implementation, Miguel
Santiago, the assembly member for
District 53 and author of the bill,
withdrew it before the Senate could
vote.
The first time I met Miss Mary, she
was folding newspapers and blankets
into her black shopping cart in
front of Yogurtland. She wore black
track pants with white and blue
stripes down the side, a black, cotton
sweatshirt and a gray raincoat with
the hood up.
She asked if I could walk to
Starbucks and buy her her usual: a
small, dark coffee with half-and-half,
one pack of Sweet’N Low and whipped
cream on the bottom. She couldn’t
walk to get it on her own.
“Are your legs doing okay?” I asked.
She looked down and shook her
head, “No.”
Wilkes said he doesn’t think Miss
Mary wants to die on the street. He
said she has moments of clarity in
which she talks about how much she
loves cooking. She closes her eyes and
sways her head from side to side as
she hums Frank Sinatra’s “Luck be
a Lady.” Sometimes, she talks about
going home to be with her children.
“If she wanted to die, she could have
died by now,” Wilkes said. “She still
eats, she still panhandles. If it was just
that she slept there all day – that’s
one thing, but she makes me think
she’s still trying to survive.”
“I just don’t think she’s capable of
knowing what’s best for her at this
point.”
7
 From
written by JOHN TUDHOPE
W
hen Louis Mathieu and
I went on a class field
trip to the Huntington
Library and Botanical
Gardens, I took the school bus and he
took his motorcycle.
When I found out that this
50-year-old, rough-talking, tanned
and tattooed classmate of mine had
been the road manager for the Red
Hot Chili Peppers, it didn’t shock me
whatsoever. As I’ve gotten to know
him over the last year, I’ve learned
that his winding career path has
taught him it’s never too late to
change how you feel, what you believe
or where you would like to be in life.
The first time I had a class with
him, we were studying American
literature in one of Royce Hall’s
historic first-floor classrooms. Louis
forgoes the all-too-common laptop
for a crossword puzzle and sits in the
front row every class, ready to engage
in every discussion.
Louis isn’t a huge guy; he stands
about 5 feet, 7 inches tall. I’ve never
8 PRIME | FALL 2018
To
photos by LIZ KETCHAM designed by EDWARD QIAO
seen him in anything but a mesh
trucker hat, motorcycle boots and a
tattered tour shirt. Colorful tattoos
cover most of his visible skin, and
he has the word “OZZY” inscribed
in black ink across his knuckles,
something he did as a bet.
This ex-roadie knows that his life
has been uniquely shaped by his
experiences working alongside some
of rock music’s most legendary acts.
As he sits in college classrooms, his
focus is on understanding other
students’ experiences and gaining
new perspective by discussing and
engaging in classrooms.
“I suppose that I’ve seen a few
things, and I’ve been to a few places,
and I have lived a really big life. I’ve
lived an experience that not many
people have lived,” he said. “Now I’m
getting to experience all of these other
realities.”
In 1989, when he was my age – 21
years old – he was deep in the Los
Angeles music scene and was a decade
away from managing the Red Chili
I suppose that I’ve seen a
few things, and I’ve been
to a few places, and I have
lived a really big life. I’ve
lived an experience that
not many people have
lived.
Peppers. Thirty years, two kids and
scores of gigs later, Louis is on his
way to receiving a degree in American
literature and culture.
But, while Louis is only in his second
year on campus, this is hardly the
first time he has been here.
Louis grew up in the neighborhoods
between Hollywood and Beverly Hills.
The first time Louis came to UCLA
was in 1979 when he was 11 years old
and was visiting his sister attending
school here. His sister, whom he
described as a child prodigy, had come
9
 to study psychology when she was 15
years old.
When Louis was 15 years old, he had
been struggling in school for years
and became habitually truant. That
year, in 1983, he came back to UCLA
to take the California High School
Proficiency Examination, which
proves that a student has learned the
basic high school curriculum. The
proficiency exam, which he passed,
enabled him to drop out of Beverly
Hills High School.
“It was enough to just get out of
high school and keep the truancy
officers and the police officers off my
back,” he said. “Because that’s where I
was going next: juvenile hall.”
By the mid-1980s, Louis became
interested in the punk scene
blossoming around Los Angeles
and would arrive at shows early to
carry gear for the bands so he could
get in for free. This soon got him a
job working as a roadie with bands
such as Bad Religion, The Weirdos,
Thelonious Monster and the Circle
Jerks.
“There was this network of bands at
that time. I would just hop from band
to band depending on who, when and
where,” he said.
He recalls working a show in 1986
when the Red Hot Chili Peppers
played with Guns N’ Roses in
Ackerman Union at UCLA. The same
year, when he was just 18 years old,
Louis began working as a drum
technician with the Red Hot Chili
10
Peppers.
“We toured together. We did
this ‘Best of The West Tour.’ It was
Thelonious Monster, Fishbone and
the Chili Peppers, and the crew really
liked me and I could hang,” he said.
“If I could put up with Thelonious
Monster, I could put up with anything
because those guys were notoriously
difficult.”
Louis said that at the time he
recognized he was experiencing
something special – being involved
with the Red Hot Chili Peppers
at such a young age – but that it
takes hindsight to realize how truly
exceptional this historic moment was.
He said he thinks his perspective is
unique because he has lived within an
iconic musical era.
“While you’re doing it, you don’t
have that sense of history so much
because you’re just kind of busy
being in your moment,” he said. “It
gives me some perspective and some
understanding of the passage of time.
You’re in an era, you move through
eras.”
He came back to UCLA in 1992 for
the MTV Video Music Awards, which
were hosted in Pauley Pavilion. The
Red Hot Chili Peppers played a set on
the same bill as Eric Clapton, Nirvana
and Pearl Jam, and took home three
awards.
His own rise within the Red Hot
Chili Peppers hierarchy paralleled
the band’s meteoric rise to fame.
Louis said he was conscious of this
experience and appreciative of the
opportunities it was affording him.
He fondly recalls being able to travel
the world and earn a wage that would
have been unimaginable for most
high school dropouts.
“It’s hard to not sort of feel a sense
of ownership or pride. We were doing
it together, it was happening to my
friends, and was also happening to
me. We were going from being in a
van to a U-Haul to a tour bus,” he said.
“You are aware of this rise. You just
feel incredibly fortunate and lucky.
You just pinch yourself all the time.”
After a decade on the road with the
Chili Peppers, Louis had been working
his way up within the organization,
and in 1998 was promoted to road
manager. Louis said he was a fit for
the position because he had known
the band members personally for
such a long time, and was given the
position because they wanted to assist
his family.
“I just had a kid and those guys Louis said he spent every day with the Louis said the experience
wanted to support me and my new group and at certain times, was living of being fired from his job My personal life was
family, so they gave me a shot at the with the band members. while going through a divorce
brass ring,” he said. “They were like, starting to crumble
His tenure at the helm, however, blindsided him, and that the
‘All right kid, we know you have never would not last. He said family lifestyle change threw him into and leak into my
done this before but get in there and problems and an impending a year of depression. He was able
see if you can do it.’” divorce began to affect his ability to to overcome this low point by
professional life.
A year later, in 1999, the group manage the group, as his personal building an authentic relationship
released “Californication,” which and professional lives had become with his children, which he
went on be its most commercially completely enmeshed. He was fired said was impossible while he was can deal with difficult people. That’s
successful album, selling 16 million as the Chili Peppers’ tour manager in managing the Chili Peppers. Louis your game. Then you start to realize
copies worldwide and peaking at No. 3 2004. said he has come to realize how your heart really isn’t in it,” he said.
on the Billboard 200. During this time, “My personal life was starting important fatherhood has been for “You’re just sort of a mercenary at
to crumble and leak into my his personal growth, as he had no this point. You have no personal
professional life,” he said. “I have a relationship with his own father. relationship with these people.”
7-year-old and a 4-year-old and I’m “At the time, of course, it was Louis’ second stint in the music
on tour all the time and I’m stressed crushing and I couldn’t quite industry ended abruptly in 2012
out and I’ve been doing this every day, understand it, but it all became really when he was hit by a car while
I’ve never had a day off. There were clear as I developed a relationship riding his motorcycle, and soon after
no days off when you worked with the with my kids – as I would be coaching the accident, his division at Capitol
Red Hot Chili Peppers.” my son’s Little League team,” he Records was closed. This accident put
Louis said the lack of said. “I didn’t have a father. Had I him on disability benefits for a year
communication between him and the continued doing what I was doing, I and to pay for medical expenses he
band compounded with his stagnant would have missed being a parent.” sold his rock memorabilia, such as
income. Resentment began to fester. He went back to the music industry a Kurt Cobain guitar neck and gold
“When you’re that close to people, in the late 2000s, managing tours for records. He said selling these items
a lot of resentment can build up. I artists such as Courtney Love and was cleansing and helped him to
didn’t have a raise for a few years. I’m Gnarls Barkley. He said that at the move on from his past in the music
watching these guys make millions time he returned to this line of work industry.
of dollars a week,” he said. “Granted, because he needed to make money “It felt really nice to let all that stuff
I was making more money than any and already had a reputation in the go,” he said.
kid who didn’t finish high school music industry that could get him The trauma from the accident led
should hope to make, but there just jobs. to another period of depression, and
seemed to be this sort of inequity.” “You become known as a guy who once his injuries healed, he was not
PRIME | FALL 2018 11
 sống sót
interested in returning to work for bands. His love of
motorcycles remained strong despite this low point,
and he got a job working as a mechanic in a friend’s

survival
motorcycle shop.
During this time, Louis was convinced by a woman
he was dating to go back to school. He said receiving
her help with financial aid and registration was
invaluable and was what enabled him to enter
academia for the first time in 35 years. Louis enrolled
in Glendale Community College in 2015.
“She had faith in me. She’s like, ‘You’re smart and I
think you’d be good at this and you’re burnt out. What
have you got to lose?’” he said. “I showed up and I did
the work, I got the results and I got good grades. People
helped me.”
Louis took a history of rock music class his first
semester at GCC, and soon had the professor and other
students asking him questions about the topics they
were learning. He said he offered an insight into life on
the road, the recording studio process and other day-
to-day aspects of a successful touring rock group.
“I got an A, predictably,” he said. “If I didn’t, there
would have been something very wrong.”
Louis said his return to school began slowly. He
started in remedial general education courses before written by KRISTIE-VALERIE HOANG
progressing further to studying English. He said he had
to relearn things – like algebra and sentence structure
photos by AXEL LOPEZ
– that he hadn’t studied in more than three decades, & KRISTIE-VALERIE HOANG
and said he owes an enormous debt of gratitude to the designed by ANGELA SONG
professors who helped him.
Louis earned a 3.7 GPA at community college and
got into UCLA and UC Berkeley. He said he remained
December 1978. used the restroom in various in Vietnam. The government kept

dedicated to transferring and continues to be
dedicated to completing his bachelor’s degree as an
example for his children.
“I want to show them that when you start
something, you finish something, and you try your
hardest even when you don’t necessarily have a plan,”
he said. “You just do it because you said you were going
to.”
Sitting in classrooms for the first time in 35 years,
Louis’ biggest challenge is remaining open-minded.
He said he thinks older people are often unable to
engage with younger people, and that being in college
classrooms helps him understand the perspective of
people who are his children’s ages.
“I’ve been older than a lot of my professors, so it’s
about being teachable,” he said. “It’s about not being
so world-weary or cynical, but being open to another
perspective.”
Louis stressed that what has enabled him to find
happiness throughout his life is an ability to be
flexible, pivot and rededicate his life to something new.
“The ability to pivot is about allowing yourself to be
open to other experiences and not be so married to
one thing,” he said. “Sometimes it’s just about taking
the journey and believing. Martin Luther King (Jr.)
used to say, ‘Faith is like taking the first step when you
can’t even see the top of the staircase.’ It’s that same
concept. I’ll just try something different to see where it
leads me.”
12
Q
uyen Di Chuc Bui spent
three nights in a Santa
Ana parking lot when he
first moved to California.
During his arrival to the Golden
State, the winter nightfall and its
50-degree breath contrasted the
sweet, tropical air that he knew from
Vietnam.
The UCLA lecturer of Vietnamese
language had no family in Orange
County, nor did he speak English.
But he slept soundly in his Cadillac,
bought for just $175 on the side of
a street, next to his very pregnant
wife with the couple’s old blanket
wrapped around her body. She was
one week away from giving birth to
their eldest daughter.
Chuc Bui wasn’t afraid. He had
nothing to lose.
“Even though sleeping outside was
dangerous, I didn’t have anything for
anyone to steal from me. I only had
one blanket,” Chuc Bui said.
The couple did not bathe and
McDonald’s restaurants throughout
Orange County. Having lost their
first place of residence in California,
Chuc Bui and his wife drove in
search of a new one. After circling
through the streets of Santa Ana
and Westminster, Chuc Bui and his
wife finally found a one-bedroom
apartment in Tustin.
Making it through another cold
night in Orange County meant
surviving another day in a country
initially unknown to Chuc Bui and
the thousands of refugees like him
– Chuc Bui had fled a communist
regime. At 28, he was a teacher in
a Catholic school in Vietnam. The
young academic was constantly
under watch from the Vietnamese
Communist Party, which thought
he was a rebel agent, he said. He was
unwelcome in his home country; the
ecclesiastic scholar was an enemy of
the state.
Most Vietnamese nationalists were
wary of Catholics, as the church
was a symbol of French colonialism
close watch on educators, who in
their teachings could “indoctrinate”
children with capitalist propaganda.
Most of all, a communist takeover
collectivized Vietnam’s unstable
and weak economy, thrusting the
country further into poverty. Under
the fall of Saigon, Chuc Bui knew he
had to leave.
Survival, by any means necessary,
defines the first generation of
refugees fleeing the Vietnam War. It
was an instinctive drive to not only
physically live, but to also adapt to a
society they did not know.
“Một cuộc sống tốt hơn, một cuộc sống
tốt hơn với tự do.” A better life, a better
life with freedom – these whispers
traveled from ear to ear.
The possibility of the American
Dream and escape from political
and social oppression attracted
Vietnamese refugees one by one to
secretly escape by boat at twilight.
“There was a river that led to the
ocean. I used to sit there with my
students and dream of a boat that
PRIME | FALL 2018 13
 Gia đình chúng tôi không nói tiếng việt.
would take us away together,” Chuc
Bui said.
There was no guarantee they would
ever see their families again. Many
left with just a fragile strand of trust
threaded around acquaintances,
friends or strangers who navigated
the refugee boats toward freedom.
“There were a lot of people skirting
the law to take care of themselves
and their family. And that survival
mentality is an outcome of being
a refugee and living in war,” said
Viet Thanh Nguyen, author of the
Pulitzer Prize-winning novel “The
Sympathizer.”
Like many other Vietnamese-
American families looking to make
a living in the U.S., Nguyen’s mother
and father opened a grocery store.
They called it Saigon Moi, and it was
the second Vietnamese grocery store
to open in San Jose, California. His
parents worked 12 to 14 hour days
while he manned the cash register
after school.
“When I was growing up in this
environment, I was very conscious of
the difficulties that my parents were
undergoing and what was happening
in Vietnam, so I associate that
grocery store with a lot of trial and
suffering for my parents,” Nguyen
said.
Saigon Moi opened early and closed
late. Nguyen’s parents processed
the checks, the cash and the food
stamps. They took inventory and
cleaned shop. Running a grocery
store was not easy, and Nguyen’s
parents not only took care of their
own children, but also sent money
to support their relatives throughout
the rationing economy of Vietnam.
“How did they endure? I don’t
know. They never took a vacation for
the dozen years of really intensive
work,” Nguyen said.
Endless hours of manual labor
were necessary to secure living
basics as simple as a roof over
one’s head. UCLA Asian American
studies associate professor Thu-
huong Nguyen-vo’s family pooled
together refugee resettlement funds
to rent a one-bedroom apartment in
California. This apartment became
Nguyen-vo’s first home in America
Our family does not speak Vietnamese.
following bleak nights in a refugee
14
camp in Camp Pendleton. Although barrier to their survival in a new
the new apartment marked an end nation.
to uncomfortable nights packed in “When we first came here, we
cramped tents, Nguyen-vo said she were so scared we wouldn’t survive.
and her family were afraid. It was totally different from
“(We had) the sense of (Vietnamese) society, culture and
displacement and alienation, and most importantly, language,” Chuc
not to mention fear and hunger Bui said.
and sadness in terms of feeling like Nguyen-vo talked to herself
you’ve lost the only world you knew,” while she spent her days at home
Nguyen-vo said. “The first few days alone, but it wasn’t to remedy
in America, we were excited that we the loneliness that came with
had a place to live but also really her parents working in a factory.
scared that the money would run Building an armor against racism
out.” was Nguyen-vo’s first motivation for
Struggle loomed like an incessant, learning English.
shapeshifting beast spewing financial “I was so vexed by the way in which
burdens and I was treated
culture shock. as this racial
You’re sitting in a
“My parents ‘other.’ It was so
would have class and you don’t traumatizing that
“
to find a job I was rehearsing
and get wages know what’s going in English all the
before the different ways
on and they’re
money (from in which I could
government teaching American defend myself,” she
aid) ran out said.
and that was history and I They were
really, really different. They
didn’t understand
pressing and spoke a different
scary. I would anything. language, ate
have to start different foods and
school and that looked a different
was terrifying because I didn’t speak way. They were Vietnamese, but
English,” Nguyen-vo said. “You’re they were not living in Vietnam. The
sitting in a class and you don’t mountain of cultural differences
know what’s going on and they’re did not stop the refugees, however.
teaching American history and I They toiled on, beating against the
didn’t understand anything – and treacherous waves. After all, they
not even the way in which history had families to look after – and for
was taught.” many, that was most important.
Refugee assistance and assimilation Family stands at the helm of
programs aided Vietnamese traditional Vietnamese culture.
immigrants in the U.S. But physical Vietnamese households follow an
survival was not the only struggle extended, multigenerational pattern.
burdening the refugees. There was The elders are positioned at the head
also becoming American. of the household, followed by the
“Gia đình chúng tôi không nói tiếng eldest child, the eldest child’s spouse,
việt.” Our family does not speak the second-eldest and so forth.
Vietnamese. Families lived closely – maintaining
According to Chuc Bui, families and emphasizing frequent contact
used to display banners bearing to highlight the importance of the
those words across their living household. Obligation to this unit is
rooms. It was in attempt to not only important, but expected.
encourage their children to learn “My generation only thought a lot
English. Apart from physical about family. (They did) whatever
characteristics separating they could to ensure their family was
Vietnamese refugees from American going to have enough to eat and that
society, language presented another their kids received enough schooling.
And they were satisfied,” Chuc Bui
said.
But it’s been 43 years since
Operation Frequent Wind flew the
last American helicopter out of
Vietnam as Saigon fell to communist
forces. Still, the stories of survival
manifests across nearly 2.2 million
Vietnamese individuals living in the
U.S.
The world is clearly much different
in 2018 than it was in 1975. Little
Saigon, the largest Vietnamese
enclave in the U.S., spans nearly
three different cities in Orange
County and 4,000 Vietnamese-
owned businesses. Pho has entered
mainstream American cuisine, and
the Vietnamese language is taught
at high schools throughout Southern
California.
More than 40 years later, a
similar narrative of survival lends
itself to the second generation of
Vietnamese-Americans who grew
up in a more culturally diverse
American society. But despite their
different values and priorities,
survival bridges the two groups
together.
These four decades established a
new identity: Vietnamese-American.
This group was born into a society
in which institutions, dialogues
and people exist to incarnate a
fluid ethnicity. Asian-American
studies exist as a discipline across
college campuses. Asian-American
representatives and candidates have
entered the political realm. And
of course, a blockbuster romantic
comedy, “Crazy Rich Asians,” starred
an Asian-American lead and an
all-Asian cast. No longer were
Vietnamese-Americans considered
a racial “other,” falling into a larger
group of people who looked and lived
like them.
There are four student
organizations related to Vietnamese
culture and languages at UCLA, as
well as an Asian American studies
major and minor with classes
specifically focusing on the nation’s
history and culture. Vietnamese
Culture Night at UCLA is known as
one of the largest in the country.
Still, despite what institutions may
exist, some Vietnamese-American
PRIME | FALL 2018 15

students faced a culture shock of
their own when they arrived at
UCLA.
Third-year business economics
student Steven Duong felt detached
from his Vietnamese-American
identity when he first came to UCLA.
He said it wasn’t until after he
joined the Southeast Asian Campus
Learning Education And Retention
project at UCLA that Duong was able
to acknowledge his Vietnamese-
American identity.
“Before SEA Admit (Weekend) and
SEA CLEAR, I didn’t really know what
it meant to be Southeast Asian.
That’s not a thing popular society
really talks about because they
don’t talk about those experiences if
they’re not from that background,”
Duong said.
Duong said that he learned
Vietnamese history through an
impersonal narration of the wars
from textbooks and teachers.
However, he never felt connected
to his parents’ experiences even
after learning about the Vietnamese
refugee story in school.
“For a lot of parents, it’s difficult
for them to speak to their children
about (their refugee experience).
16
And even if they do, they wait until
their children are older when they
think they can understand. There’s
not enough dialogue between
generations because of the trauma,”
Duong said.
Second-year political science
student Amy Ngoc Ho moved from
Orange County to UCLA in pursuit of
higher education and independence.
Her mother did not take this well.
“My mom was like, ‘Oh, you want
to leave me,’” Ho said. “But me
moving away to college doesn’t
mean I don’t love you, it just means
I need to find myself.”
Ho, like Duong, felt removed from
her roots.
“I feel like every Vietnamese-
American can relate a little bit
to the fact that sometimes they
feel a little bit lost as to who
they are, or maybe they’ve had
experiences where they don’t want
to acknowledge their Vietnamese
identity,” Ho said.
When Ho first moved to the U.S.,
her first name was “My,” which
means “American” in Vietnamese.
However, she added an “A” to
her name after being bullied
with mispronunciations of her
Vietnamese name. For this new
generation, survival may come
at the cost of freedom to express
traditional culture.
Their ancestors rode boats into
the night, blindly searching for
rescue. Now, this new generation
of Vietnamese-Americans, too, are
looking for survival in their night.
Being anything-American is difficult.
Different cultures bring different
values, different histories, different
ways of living.
“We have a second generation
that is not as deeply influenced
by anticommunist feeling, not as
attached to the homeland and
sees themselves as Americans and
this is transforming the political
landscape,” Nguyen said. “They don’t
share the same kinds of values
and perspectives as the refugee
generation.”
For example, second-generation
Vietnamese-Americans tend to
hold more liberal values than
those of the first generation. A Pew
Research study demonstrates a
smaller proportion, 12 percent, of
Asian-Americans identify with the
Republican Party in 2018 than in
1998, when 25 percent did.
“Up through the ’80s and ’90s, the
Republican Party’s stress on family
values, on anticommunism, on
capitalism, on small businesses, ...
these values struck a chord with
Asian-American communities,
which were coming from histories
of struggles against communism,
for example, and came here to
pursue the American Dream,”
Nguyen said.
Thus, many young Vietnamese-
Americans find themselves at odds
with their parents due to tightly
held political and social beliefs.
“For my parents, it’s hard for
them to look beyond themselves
in terms of political values,” Duong
said. “They feel like with politics
they should only be concerned
with what affects them and not the
rest of society.”
For example, Ho supports the
LGBTQ community, while her
mother remains conservative on
issues of sexuality and gender
identity.
Growing up in American
society meant that many second-
generation Vietnamese-Americans
learned English as their first
language, vanishing the language
barrier previously separating first-
generation Vietnamese refugees
with American society. If they were
lucky, their parents taught them
Vietnamese.
These differences come in
culmination largely because the
first and second generations grew
up in different worlds. One world
was destroyed by war, embedded
with anticommunist sentiment
and marred by homeland loss. The
other is culturally fluid, raised in a
nation that champions freedom.
“(The second-generation) identity
is very much American and it’s
injected with this Asian-ness,
which they share not just with
Vietnamese people, but with
Americans of other backgrounds.
That issue of being born here
and raised here makes a huge
difference,” Nguyen said.
It’s difficult to unite two worlds,
and Nguyen said he doesn’t think
that it’s possible. The forming of a
rift between the two generations
presents a new struggle for survival:
one for the preservation of the
Vietnamese identity.
“Yes, we can try to reach across
the boundaries and establish
channels of communication,
but that’s not always successful,”
Nguyen said. “I think there’s a
certain point where the second
generation says, ‘We pay our
respects to the older generation,
... but we seek change in our own
contemporary
moment.’”
On the
other hand,
This language
“
Chuc Bui
believes that helps young
people
building a
bridge of
language can
mend this remember
generational
gap – a their root
walkway that
ties these
groups to
culture.
each other.
“Keep the voices of the
Vietnamese people. We’ve left the
home country, but we’ve still kept
our language here,” Chuc Bui said.
“This language helps young people
remember their root culture.”
Ho is constantly working to
reintegrate Vietnamese language
back into her main cognitive
practice. She said her Vietnamese
fluency has decreased since moving
to Los Angeles.
“It’s really easy to keep your
American identity alive because
you live in America. But it’s really
hard to keep that part of being
Vietnamese alive,” Ho said. “Maybe
I should take Vietnamese here at
UCLA.”
After joining SEA CLEAR and
learning about his Vietnamese
community, Duong said he felt
empowered to speak with his
parents about their refugee
experience.
“They accepted that I was mature
enough to understand the context
of where they came from. And I
never really felt Vietnamese before
then,” Duong said.
Nearly four decades separate
Vietnamese refugees and the
current, 21st-century Vietnamese-
American. Although these two
groups are very different, perhaps
both generations should care less
about what keeps them apart.
Rather, they should find common
ground in the struggles they can
both understand – the struggle to
survive.
Dialogue
fosters
discussion.
Vietnamese
refugees
endured
days without
knowing
where their
next meal
would come
from. They
grappled with
the English
language’s
complexities, attempting to fit into
American society. And although
many Vietnamese-Americans are
fortunate enough to live without
poverty, their feeling of survival is
spurred by a sense of being lost.
Despite being born in different
countries and eras, both
generations engaged and continue
to engage in survival. Survival is
the state or fact of continuing
to live or exist despite difficult
circumstances. The first generation
continued to live despite the
battles they had faced financially
and socially. The second generation
continues to redefine their identity,
keeping their Vietnamese roots
alive. This common drive to carry
on unites both generations.
“Cái khó ló cái khôn.” Adversity is
the mother of wisdom. In this case,
survival enlightens the two eras.
It is this wisdom that bridges the
divide.
PRIME | FALL 2018 17

Tuning
the
Mind
written by POLINA CHEREZOVA
I used to think whoever advised to “stop
and smell the roses” had nothing better to
do than advocate wasting precious time.
A
s a pianist, time was not something
I wanted to waste on sniffing flowers,
but rather on practicing my craft.
Playing the piano started out as
a fun hobby, but the further I delved into
it, the more my ears strived to produce the
professional quality I heard in the recordings
of famous pianists such as Sviatoslav
Richter and Vladimir Horowitz. Notorious
for overthinking nearly everything, I was
convinced that in order to become a musician,
I had to practice all the time and if I wasn’t
physically practicing, then at least I’d have to
be thinking about practicing. But striving to
18
photos by JENNA NICOLE SMITH
designed by MEGAN LE
perform without restraints has proven to be
much more fulfilling.
One of the first times I remember truly
freeing my mind was during the summer of
2016 at Music Fest Perugia in Italy. At the time,
I didn’t quite know what the feeling was or
why I had stumbled upon it. Something in my
head clicked, disrupting my usual tendency to
overthink.
The festival offers a unique opportunity for
participating pianists to perform a concerto
movement as a soloist with an orchestra,
with most students spending at least a year
perfecting their chosen piece. Having decided
to attend the festival last minute, I was not planning
on performing with the orchestra. But a month before
the festival, I ambitiously decided to learn the first
movement of Frédéric Chopin’s “Piano Concerto No. 2
in F minor,” an emotionally passionate and intimate
work that would be difficult to prepare in time to
perform. The piece, with lots of delicate-yet-rapid,
note-filled passages, requires time to master the
technical aspects in order to feel fully comfortable
with freely expressing Chopin’s musical intentions.
Being the stubborn person I am, though, I wanted to
prove to myself I could do it anyway.
Soon it came time to fly to Italy, and I was anxiously
score-studying on the plane, trying to get in as much
extra time with the piece as I could, thinking about
how I could work out technical issues and musical
phrasings. I was not ready, and mentally, I was a
wreck. My overthinking was rearing its ugly head once
again. The closer the performance, the more worried
I became.
My mind led me to imagine every possible worst-
“Mygoot vtehrthisnt of me ”
case scenario: What if I blank out? What if I forget
the entire piece? What would the audience think?
I decided to attend the morning rehearsal for the
experience, but drop out of the gala performance that
night. My overthinking got the best of me, so I raised
the white flag.
The following morning, I arrived at my rehearsal
with very low expectations. Sitting down at the piano,
the black and white keys suddenly looked so foreign
to me. I couldn’t do this. I wanted to run offstage,
hide and never touch the piano again. Why was I
even trying? I felt suffocated by my doubts, unable to
breathe. My fears were multiplying one by one, to the
tempo of my unsettling heartbeat.
Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted as I heard
the orchestra begin to play the beautiful, familiar
theme. I sensed my muscles relax as my mind shifted
from worry to reassurance – this was music I knew
and loved, I listened to it so many times before that it
had become a part of me. All I could do was accept my
level of preparation and trust that my hands and ears
knew what they were doing. I placed my fingers on
the keys, closed my eyes and played.
To my surprise, I found myself so present, so
immersed in the music and in the colossal sound of
the orchestra, that there was no room in my mind to
even think about what could go wrong. I felt so caught
up in my emotional connection to the music, nothing
else in the world seemed to matter at that very
moment. I decided right then and there that I would
perform that night, accepting the fact that my piece
was, technically speaking, drastically underprepared
and barely memorized. I walked out onstage with
the same mindset I had in rehearsal – the same
liberation from judgmental and self-critical thoughts
– and ended up genuinely enjoying my experience on
the grand Sala dei Notari stage that night.
However, enjoyable performances and a carefree
mindset were still far from the norm.
Music had always been a way for me to cope
with my emotions growing up. Chopin and Franz
Schubert taught me to notice and understand
delicate feelings like sincerity and vulnerability,
while Johannes Brahms helped me come to grips
with nostalgia and regret. My tendency to overthink,
however, caused the once-helpful thoughts of self-
improvement swimming through my head to drown
out my ability to perform and play music onstage.
My musical overthinking manifested in obsessing
over technical details and engaging in mundanely
repetitive exercises for hours. But I was wasting time
reinforcing the same problem through repetition
instead of coming up with new, creative ways to solve
it. Criticizing myself for something like my inability
to play a passage perfectly could easily be
mistaken as constructive analysis
in g
k
.
e be flag
t e
so I raised the whi
in helping me become a better
musician. Instead, my distracting thoughts would
eventually develop into full-blown performance
anxiety years later.
The first time I realized that my tendency to
overthink was becoming a problem was at the onset
of my self-conscious teenage years. By then, I had
already blanked out, frozen up and forgotten the
next note onstage plenty of times. But because I was
a child then and didn’t overthink much, it never
affected my self-worth.
Once I became a teenager, my overthinking turned
into a harmful mental habit of producing and
internalizing my own self-critical and judgmental
thoughts, which led me to think I was never good
enough. I spent hours on end obsessively practicing
pieces from Franz Liszt’s “Hungarian Rhapsody No.
2” to the first movement of Sergei Rachmaninoff’s
second piano concerto, criticizing myself for every
wrong note and then resuming to forcefully strike
each key with unnecessary tension because I thought
doing so would turn me into a better musician. Turns
out, mindlessly reproducing the notes written on the
score to secure my technique and memory ended up
clouding my ability to hear and appreciate the sound
of music.
PRIME | FALL 2018 19
“The
more I c red abo
a
u t
ell , th e m
t
ore
e d with
st r a
m i n g
The harder I perfor
tried to deal with my
overthinking tendencies by I w o u
forcefully inhibiting the thought
processes, the worse they got. The more I cared
about performing well, the more I would become
frustrated with my inability to silence the noisy
critic living inside my head. This villainous critic Juilliard-trained violinist and performance
fed off my failures to the point that I could not
even play a single note without buzzing negative
thoughts interrupting my ability to enjoy the
music.
But after reflecting on the past as well as
meeting with self-help specialists and other
musicians who have found ways to cope with
their own mental struggles in performing,
I’ve found ways to declutter my mind so I can
perform to the best of my ability.
Even in my fourth year of pursuing piano
performance at UCLA, I still feel nervous each
time I go up onstage. But I’ve come to learn the
difficult reality that a successful performance
requires more than hours of practice on my
instrument, but also requires me to free my
mind. I strive for my mind to give way to allow
the music to overflow my senses, spilling out into inclined to performing or are not having a
an emotional and passionate experience of pure
bliss.
At this point, I’m left with no choice but to face of butterflies, it can be something that ... you
this internal battle, to defeat this constant push
and pull of recurring self-sabotaging thoughts,
in order to satisfy my immense desire to share
music with other people. Being able to share
music with an audience enables me to connect
with them on a deeper emotional level than
an everyday conversation is able to. Although
the fears that I developed over the past 10 years
made my experience of performing miserable,
I was so moved by my love for music that I
desperately needed to seek a change of mindset.
So, I embarked on my journey to recovery.
Even after my first orchestral debut in Italy, I
still couldn’t quite figure out how to get myself
in that carefree mindset every time I performed.
But the point wasn’t to figure it out, it was to
let things be, and I was hitting a wall trying too
hard to solve my problem. Over the next several
years, I buried myself in countless self-help blogs
and books, watching one TED Talk after another
in seek of inspiration for becoming a stronger
musician and individual.
The more I explored these resources, the more
20
t
m y i n a b i l i t y t o si l e n c e h e n o i s y c r i t i c
.”
living inside my head Although every performer faces mental
w
fru
e c o me I realized how powerful
ld b the mind is in determining obstacles to some degree, there are certainly
how humans perceive reality, and some who struggle with them more than others,
the more convinced I became that I could he said. Kageyama said it’s useful to go back to
restructure my own thoughts. someone’s very first performance and analyze the
One of the first resources I found was pressures that could’ve been internalized then,
Bulletproof Musician, an online blog led by such as pressure to perform well coming from a
teacher or parent.
psychologist Noa Kageyama. Through working For me, however, the pressures were likely
with other musicians and students who struggle more intrinsic, as I was constantly striving to
with performing, Kageyama said many of the prove my self-worth. Differences in the extent
mental obstacles musicians face appear to be of personal fears of negative evaluation seem
associated with nerves. to play a large role in amplifying performance
That is, some worry more about others’ anxiety, Kageyama said. Fearing negative
opinions of their playing, while others experience evaluation from the people whose opinions we
distracting thoughts during a performance care about heightens pressure-filled situations,
such as those about a difficult upcoming making someone less optimistic about how
passage or their quality of playing, causing things are going to go.
them to be nervous. My particular struggle Many musicians who seek guidance from
with overthinking feeds into my performance Kageyama also think there’s something wrong
anxiety and disrupts my ability to freely express with them because they get nervous – that it’s
the music. Kageyama said he strives to help ingrained in their genetics and character, he
musicians embrace the jitters by feeling more said. I can remember experiencing times when
comfortable with being uncomfortable. I felt like quitting music altogether because I
“I work with people who feel like they’re not didn’t think I would ever be able to combat my
performance anxiety. Something that helped me
good experience onstage,” Kageyama said. “Even get over my fear was accepting that the nerves
(if) you’re going to continue to feel a little bit may always be there. The best thing I can do is
gear my mindset toward viewing the nerves as
embrace.” a positive and exhilarating rather than negative
Kageyama said he first experienced nerves at a experience.
young age, after seeing another musician struggle But being nervous is very typical, Kageyama
with memory slips during one performance, said, and it seems to be that actually focusing too
causing him to realize that things don’t always much on nerves doesn’t get rid of them.
go well onstage. “Physiologically, there’s not much of a
It wasn’t until Kageyama took a class by difference between being nervous and being
performance psychologist Don Greene during his excited, and so if we can kind of rephrase
second year at Juilliard that he learned about our physiological reaction under pressure as
the importance of developing strong mental excitement, as opposed to nerves, it can actually
skills such as analyzing internalized pressures have a surprisingly positive effect on how
from childhood and evaluating oneself more effectively we can perform,” Kageyama said.
positively. Kageyama put these skills to the test Performance psychology makes it clear that
during an international competition and, despite all musicians struggle with mental obstacles
a low level of physical preparation, his mental affecting their performance, and training the
preparation enabled him to focus more and play mind can help with overcoming them. But
better than he thought he could have. what exactly does training the mind entail?
“Mental skills are an integral part of bringing As I explored ways to deal with my own self-
up onstage what you did in the practice room,” critical tendencies, I spoke with another UCLA
Kageyama said. “It was hugely empowering to music student in order to gain insight in mental
find out that there was something I could do and preparation methods that work for her.
I could get better, have a different experience Studying classical music performance at a
onstage.” music school comes with its own challenges,
PRIME | FALL 2018 21

leaving music students to figure out how to
deal with training their minds by themselves.
Graduate piano performance student Mindy
Cheng said some of the main obstacles she faces
as a performer are feeling high pressure to meet
the audience’s expectations and produce what
she knows she is fully capable of. Through years
of performance experience, Cheng said she has
found how important mental training is to
performing at the best of her ability.
“I feel like it’s part of the craft. You can’t just
be a musician and only focus on practicing in
the practice room,” Cheng said. “I believe that
part of our art is training our mind. … They’re
not separate things, they’re very much one.”
After reading “The Inner Game of Tennis,” a
self-help book by Timothy Gallwey, Cheng said
she realized that our minds often judge certain
experiences as being “good” or “bad.” Now, she
strives to let experiences be as they are, which
often means getting up onstage and fearlessly
not second-guessing herself by going for it before
her mind even has time to think. Cheng said her
goal is to teach her body and mind to coexist
through presence.
Cheng also said she started to focus on
training her mind during her sophomore year
of high school. That year, she was working on
Chopin’s “Scherzo No. 2, Op. 31,” but was feeling
discouraged because she was having difficulty
22
“Mu
sic
to
silen e my thou
fully understanding the breadth of the piece – it
was the largest Chopin work she had studied at
that point.
The first time she played the piece at a
competition, she was so affected by her cluttered
mind that she struggled getting through memory
slips, let alone being able to play expressively,
Cheng said. But instead of coming home and
practicing for eight hours as she usually would
have, she worked on mentally preparing herself
for the next competition.
Cheng trained her mind to be present in
the moment so that, no matter how much or
how little she practiced, she would perform to
the best of her ability without the extraneous
pressure of needing to win the competition.
Only two weeks later, she performed at the next
competition with a relaxed and present mindset,
and it turned out to be the best she’d ever played
the piece.
“When our mind is so cluttered and not still,
that really stops us from being clear about what’s
actually happening. My goal, when I’m onstage, is
to just be in the moment and let things happen
as naturally as possible,” Cheng said. “’I’m just out
here to present something that I love and if I can
show that, then I have accomplished my goal.”
Although a clutter-free mind is a worthy
pursuit, musicians have to spend most of
their lives attempting to reach it. The ongoing
struggles of professional musicians like David
Kaplan, a professional pianist and UCLA piano
performance lecturer, remind me that it’s okay to
not have everything fully figured out. Accepting
my current state is already a step toward
becoming fully present.
has the power
c ghts.
Kaplan said he will never forget his first
”a special experience not possible in the practice
memory slip experiences because of how
shattering it was for him to realize that the mind
and body are unreliable onstage. He describes
having felt complete discomfort, as if he was
being hanged psychologically, with no contact to
the ground. Practicing the positive, reinforcing
thought processes he wishes to have when
onstage now helps him control his nerves, he said.
“One can’t expect that after being our normal
neurotic selves, that all of a sudden when we get
to a performance, we’re not going to be neurotic,”
Kaplan said. “My first step in preparing mentally
is to accept that I’m going to have those thoughts
of fear and therefore, when they happen, to be
comforted by the fact that it’s normal.”
Training the mind is very difficult, and some
musicians turn to artificial coping strategies.
Kaplan said one time, during his undergraduate
days at UCLA, he decided to try out beta blockers,
medication used by many performers to block
adrenaline responses from interfering with their
performance.
After taking the commonly prescribed drug, the
lack of adrenaline during his performance caused
him to feel like he was just practicing, cognitively
anticipating memory weak spots and focusing on
playing through cleanly without any emotional
memory.
Kaplan began to miss the adrenaline rush that
comes with being nervous, he said. The adrenaline
performers feel onstage is needed in order to
connect the body to a different part of the brain
that functions on instinct and emotions, he said.
This enables a performance to transform into
room.
“Adrenaline feeds your ability to toggle between
different memories that you have, and that’s
why you can play more beautifully onstage than
anywhere else,” Kaplan said. “(With adrenaline)
you have access to your heart in a totally different
way, you have access to your emotional memory.”
Having spoken with performance specialists and
musicians about their strategies for combating
mental obstacles, I revisit my own struggles with
overthinking as a musician.
My performance anxiety no longer contradicts
my desire to share music with other people, as
today, I’ve learned to accept the adrenaline as
a normal and even quite necessary process for
delivering a moving performance. After years of
discouraging performances, the meaning of “stop
and smell the roses” changed drastically in my
head as I now strive to silence my cluttered mind
and stop and hear the music.
Overthinking will most likely be something I
struggle with for the rest of my life, but I have
grown to view the moment onstage as a place of
sacred presence – where music has the power to
silence my thoughts.
PRIME | FALL 2018 23

FIGHTING FOR HOME
E
very year, millions of monarch
butterflies migrate across
international borders in hopes of
finding a home where their future
generations will prosper.
The black-and-orange butterfly, with its
migration patterns, has become a common
symbol for the undocumented community.
It represents the freedom for humans to
immigrate to different parts of the world,
said third-year film and television student
Nicole Corona Diaz.
Corona Diaz, like thousands of others
within the undocumented community,
has benefited from the Deferred Action
for Childhood Arrivals program. She is
what many refer to as a “Dreamer,” an
undocumented immigrant who was
brought to the United States as a child and
has benefited from the DACA program.
Implemented by former President Barack
Obama in June 2012, the executive order
sought to delay the deportation of young
immigrants brought to the country by their
parents.
However, the program was subject to
change when President Donald Trump’s
written by SUSANA ALCANTAR photos by NIVEDA TENNETY
24
24CATEGORY HERE?
administration announced its end Sept. 5,
2017. Three days after the federal decision,
the University of California sued the
Department of Homeland Security over
the administration’s decision because the
University faced losing members of its
community. Soon after, in January, the UC
received support from Judge William Alsup
of the U.S. District Court for the Northern
District of California and the Federal Appeals
Court for the Ninth Circuit in November
when they issued an injunction to stop
the cancellation of the DACA program.
It required the government to continue
accepting renewal applications.
As it stands today, the DACA program has
not been cancelled – DACA recipients can
renew their DACA permits and are unable to
be deported from the U.S. However, the future
status of the program remains uncertain.
At UCLA, there are communities of
students and faculty who are still affected by
the program’s unclear status. Nonetheless,
they continue to advocate for the rights of
the undocumented through fundraising,
campaigning for social awareness and
sharing their stories.
illustrations by ANGELA SONG
designed by BILAL ISMAIL AHMED
NICOLE
CORONA
DIAZ
Corona Diaz immigrated to the U.S. with her
family when she was just 3 years old.
Now a UCLA student, she said the Obama
administration introduced the program when she
was a teenager. At the time, it was too early for
her to think about college, let alone how to pay
for it. But, when she started to consider higher
education later in high school, DACA was already
in place, opening the door for her to apply for
financial aid.
“I grew up in the perfect period ... so I fit in
this perfect window where the access (to higher
education) was just granted for me,” Corona Diaz
said.
However, Corona Diaz said she still faced
hardships. Growing up, she was not comfortable
talking about her immigration status, she said.
Her parents warned her about the risks associated
with being undocumented, as well as their fears of
deportation.
Corona Diaz said it took years for her to find
the strength to share her story. In high school,
she became comfortable talking about being
undocumented with her counselors and close
friends. In college, she finally was willing to tell a
larger audience.
“I was still finding my own voice and having
the strength and courage to say it because a lot
of people won’t say it publicly,” Corona Diaz said.
“It’s definitely a process for everyone, one in which
they shouldn’t be rushed and if they are not
ready, then they are not ready.”
Motivated by her newfound willingness to speak
and the fear that the newly elected Trump would
terminate the DACA program, Corona Diaz decided
to run for student government in winter 2016.
She said she felt running for student government
was the first step in raising awareness about
undocumented students and their narratives.
Corona Diaz served as Undergraduate Students
Association Council general representative 1
for the 2017-2018 academic year. As a general
representative, she collected information on the
concerns of the student body and brought them
to campuswide attention through social and
fundraising campaigns. One such concern was the
topic of immigration.
In February, she stood blindfolded on
Bruin Walk alongside a sign that read, “I’m
Undocumented. I’m called an ‘Illegal Alien.’ I
trust you. Do you trust me? Give me a Hug.”
She said she wanted to bring awareness to anti-
undocumented immigrant rhetoric used in
conversations. She said she blindfolded herself
because she felt it might incentivize people who
dislike undocumented immigrants to approach
her. She also was put into a vulnerable position
because she couldn’t look at them. Overall, Corona
Diaz said it was a positive experience, because
countless people went up and hugged her when
they could have decided to ignore her even if they
agreed with her message. She said she was also
surprised that people of all backgrounds came up
to her as well.
PRIME | FALL 2018 25
 Corona Diaz and her team did educational work
on campus and through social media, addressing
the symbolism of the monarch butterfly in the
undocumented immigrant community.
“Questioning the legitimacy of borders and reviving
the narrative that humans by nature need to migrate
creates a sense of understanding and acceptance for
immigrants in this country,” she said.
Corona Diaz and the rest of the General Rep. 1
office also launched a crowdfunding campaign called
#UndocuBruins through UCLA Spark, an online
fundraising platform. The month-long fundraiser in
EDUARDO
SOLIS
Third-year sociology student Eduardo Solis once
thought he could only afford to attend a community
college or a California State University to pursue
higher education.
Growing up, Solis saw his older brother, who is also
undocumented, settle for a school that wasn’t his
top choice because he could not apply for financial
resources to attend UCLA. However, once Solis was
in high school, he was able to apply for financial aid
through DACA. He said he recognizes the privileges,
the support and protection he receives through DACA.
Yet, Solis said he never feared his own deportation
until now.
On the day the Trump administration announced
the cancellation of DACA, Solis said he turned to the
TV to see former U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions
deliver the information. Solis said the news left
him in tears but he was motivated to advocate for
immigration rights once the UCLA school year began.
“I’ve been involved with activism in different aspects
of stories of my life ever since I was 12 years old,” Solis
said. “I just reflect on the fact that I started sharing
my story at such a young age because ... I thought to
myself, ‘Why would I let someone who doesn’t see me
as a human have that power over me?’”
As a legislative advocate for the USAC External Vice
President’s office in the 2017-2018 academic year, Solis
took part in phone banking events dedicated to DACA
26
fall 2017 raised over $16,000 in scholarship money for
undocumented students.
By joining student government, Corona Diaz said
she brought the perspective of undocumented
students to the table – a perspective she said that
had not been prioritized enough before. Activism
enabled her to find power in her voice and strength
in community.
“I cannot function without activism, and my
hope is that everyone finds their own voice and is
motivated to speak for themselves when confronted
by injustice,” she said.
VELAZQUEZ
and the DREAM Act. The DREAM Act would provide
a pathway to citizenship for youth and young adults
who were brought to the country as children.
Later in the year, Solis also traveled to Sacramento
and Washington, D.C. to lobby for the DREAM Act, to
keep it clean so that it would contain no attached
legislation such as border funding or cuts to legal
immigration.
Now as general representative 3 for USAC, Solis
said he aims to showcase to the student body the
major issues approximately 11 million undocumented
immigrants face, such as the threat of deportation
and how intersectional identities are affected by
immigration policy.
“A lot of times, people don’t realize that there are
a lot of Asian undocumented students,” Solis said.
“I’m also queer, and within the queer community,
sometimes I feel like people forget that (for)
undocumented queer immigrants ... deportation
means being deported to a country that is very
hostile.”
In October, Solis and the general representative 3
office launched the “ALL 11 Million” photo campaign,
encouraging the allies of DACA recipients to extend
their support to all 11 million undocumented
immigrants, including adults who didn’t come to
the country as children and students who don’t
qualify for DACA. Solis said sometimes people don’t
realize that only being an ally to DACA recipients
is problematic because it makes it sound as if only
someone who speaks English and is educated is
worthy of citizenship.
He and his team passed out flyers at the event and
to passersby that addressed why only supporting
DACA recipients is problematic and what it means
to be undocumented. Solis said he believes the
campaign was effective because UC administrators
and professors, who oftentimes only show support
to DACA recipients, came and took pictures with an
Instagram photo frame prop that read, “I Stand with
#All11Million.”
JANETH
Janeth Velazquez shared her experiences an
undocumented individual in front of 400 people at
the First-Gen Welcome Soiree at UCLA this quarter.
Now an alumna, Velazquez said she likely would not
have been able to attend UCLA in the first place had
it not been for the DACA program. During her senior
year of high school, Velazquez said she had applied
and been accepted to four-year universities, but her
parents told her she could not go because they could
not afford the tuition without financial aid.
“I couldn’t work, so I had to say no to college, and
then I went to community college after. At that
moment, that wasn’t the road I wanted to take,”
Velazquez said. “It felt like someone else was making
the decision for me.”
She said though she was upset with her economic
position, she accepted reality by remembering that
her ultimate goal was to attend a four-year university
and that community college would help her get there.
Once she became a DACA recipient, Velazquez got
a job working for as a public service aide for the San
Francisco Department of Public Works. With her
government job, Velazquez gathered enough financial
resources to attend UCLA.
She was initially uncomfortable sharing her
experience as an undocumented individual out of
fear that people would not support her or understand
her current situation, Velazquez said. She wanted to
share her journey so others can see that they are not
alone. Sharing her own narrative at events like the
Solis said one of his main frustrations has been that
people don’t care about issues like deportation until
it personally affects them. After Trump announced
the rescission, people close to him did not reach out
to talk to him about it, despite understanding how it
could change his life.
Still, Solis said he believes storytelling can serve
as an immensely powerful tool to help people
understand the undocumented immigrant struggle.
“The only way people can care about the issues that
don’t affect them personally is by hearing, seeing and
listening to the stories of people that are affected by
these issues,” he said.
soiree helped her feel more connected to other DACA
recipients, in part because doing so helped her accept
her current situation, she said.
“I was very nervous speaking about my story, but
at least having people more aware about the issue ...
impacts real people,” she said.
Aside from sharing her story, Velazquez said she
found other ways to express herself and her concerns.
For example, she marched in a strike in Downtown
Los Angeles – something she said she doesn’t
normally do – to protest Trump’s rescission of DACA
and show support for the program. She also got more
involved with the Undocumented Student Program
at UCLA by volunteering at the Undocu-Orientation
for the past two years. She was part of a Q&A panel at
the orientation in September, in which she answered
questions and helped students understand why
choosing to attend UCLA was the right decision.
Though Trump’s decision to rescind the DACA
program ultimately made Velazquez more
comfortable sharing her story, she said it still affects
her life negatively, as she feels discouraged from
keeping up with ongoing litigation against DACA. She
would rather like to know when an official decision
about the program’s future is made, she said. In the
meantime, she feels she has to be cautious.
“It feels like you are tippy-toeing with time,”
Velazquez said. “You are not able to take certain risks
because you always have to be prepared for the what
if.”
PRIME | FALL 2018 27
 SECURING
THE CAMPUS
Though undocumented students have found their
own ways to advocate for their rights and visibility,
administrators and organizations at UCLA have also
provided funds, legal services and implemented laws to
ensure the campus remains a safe place for its students.
Founded in 2009, UCLA’s Undocumented Student
“
Program assists undocumented students through
different workshops that help students with issues such
as housing and DACA
renewal. The program
also answers questions
We have to do undocumented students
might have on tuition-
anything possible related matters, the
to ensure their admissions process and
academic success, establishing California
residency.
too and that they
”
Following the Trump
receive as many administration’s decision
resources as they to end DACA, USP also
are entitled. provided students with
access to immigration
lawyers offering their legal
services for free.
Through the funds USP provided, Corona Diaz and
Velazquez were able to renew their DACA statuses.
A year before the September 2017 announcement,
Chancellor Gene Block formed the Advisory Council on
Immigration Policy. Abel Valenzuela Jr., a co-chair of the
council and a Chicana and Chicano studies professor, said
that the council was created in the case that Trump’s
immigration policies would further impact the campus
and its student body.
“We knew that his targets were toward undocumented
student immigrants. We were worried that he was talking
about upwards of 850 students at the undergraduate
level and upwards of 75 students at the graduate level,”
Valenzuela said. “We had things in place, things being a
committee, a counsel of worried people.”
Since its formation, the council has provided monetary
support and conducted fundraisers for undocumented
students. The members’ current goals include protecting
UCLA students from possible detention or deportation.
Valenzuela, with assistance from a law student and
close work with the council, drafted the Detainment
Response Protocol and helped implement California
Assembly Bill 21 – both of which outline plans for
protecting students from the U.S. Immigration Customs
28
and Enforcement.
Lisa Hasegawa, the council’s policy analyst and an Asian
American studies lecturer, said AB 21 defines when ICE is
allowed to come to campus for immigration enforcement
– that is, when they are looking for a particular student
who they suspect has committed a crime. She added
that ICE can only enter UCLA for federal immigration
enforcement action if they have a judicial warrant to do
so. In the event that ICE does visit a campus, faculty and
staff are to refrain from sharing student data.
To further help faculty and staff understand what
to do and how to comply with California’s AB 21, the
council composed a campus response guide that will
be released later in the quarter. The guide outlines the
steps faculty and staff should take if ICE were to come
for federal immigration enforcement, such as informing
Valenzuela, who acts as the Chancellor’s representative
on immigration, of their arrival, Hasegawa said.
The guide will also be posted as an infographic around
campus and in the dorms, Valenzuela said.
Unlike AB 21, which addresses how to respond to federal
immigration enforcement on campus, the Detainment
Response Protocol, completed this year, provides
assistance to an undocumented student detained by ICE
off campus, Valenzuela said. It outlines how the school
would provide legal counsel and secure the release of a
student from detention.
Though Valenzuela said he does not want to speculate
on the likelihood of a student being detained by ICE, the
council is prepared in the event that it does happen.
Moving forward, the council’s top priorities consist
of developing, generating and securing resources for
financial aid and scholarships for undocumented
students. Valenzuela said many undocumented students
do not get enough financial aid to cover the total cost of
attending UCLA.
He added that financial aid is a pressing issue for
undocumented students because they have to balance
other problems related to being undocumented in
addition to being UCLA students. He said they also do not
have access to the same resources as their documented
peers.
“We have to do anything possible to ensure their
academic success, too and that they receive as many
resources as they are entitled,” Valenzuela said. “To make
sure they join the ranks of the alumni. To get them out
with a degree in hand so they can go out and do what
other Bruins do. Change the world, become leaders.”
THE
FUTURE AT A
STANDSTILL
More than a year of legal disputes and a immigrants that are already within the country,
midterm election later, the future of the DACA how we can uplift their voices and help them with
program still remains unknown. their immigration status,” Corona Diaz said.
After the midterm elections Nov. 6, the While Corona Diaz hopes for more citizenship
Democrats will take control of the House of security within the U.S., Velazquez said she wants
Representatives, while the Republican Party more freedom to cross international borders. After
will maintain its control over the Senate. The having studied geography, she said she would love
elections meant more federal representation for to travel the world to study and do research but
the Democrats, who tend to support immigrant without U.S. residency or citizenship, she currently
rights, but they do not ensure an answer for the cannot travel outside the country. For now, she
program’s uncertain status, Hasegawa said. plans to continue traveling within the country, as
However, these results do mean there are she went to New York for a study abroad program
more members of Congress who can propose in the summer.
legislation in favor of DACA. But for such proposals Velasquez said she hopes higher education
to be approved, they need to pass through both institutions will also focus on helping
chambers and the president. Hasegawa added undocumented graduate students. She wants to
“
that a permanent legislative fix could include pursue graduate school
amendments in the language of the bill that are at UCLA but currently
unfavorable to immigration advocacy groups, such cannot afford it, despite
as funding for a wall along the U.S.-Mexico border her DACA status.
or more law enforcement at the border. Solis said he hopes With or without
Ultimately, the hundreds of thousands of DACA one day he will live in a
recipients might not learn any more about house with a husband DACA, I know
DACA’s status until the Supreme Court tackles
the situation later in the 2018-2019 term, likely
in the only country he
has known, alongside his that we will
months away.
While the uncertainty surrounding the Obama-
parents. To get there, he
hopes the government
prevail and
”
era program remains intact, DACA recipients at creates a clean pathway prosper.
UCLA remain firm in their willingness to advocate to citizenship that does
for their own futures. not incur any negative
Corona Diaz said she hopes, moving forward, effects for future
there is a focus not only on DACA, but on generations.
comprehensive immigration reform. People like Ultimately, Solis said he wants students who are
her parents are still waiting for any new policy in the same situation his brother was in years ago
related to immigration because, besides proposals to stay hopeful.
to increase border security, there haven’t been “I know that these times are extremely scary and
recent policies that could help them acquire uncertain, but the undocumented community has
citizenship, she said. achieved multiple accomplishments before DACA
“We need to take a step back from focusing even existed,” Solis said. “With or without DACA, I
on border security and address the needs of know that we will prevail and prosper.”
PRIME | FALL 2018 29
 Slowing the Storm written & illustrated by HANNA RASHIDI
This is what I want to remember...
The yells of camaraderie echoing from
dorm room windows as midnight came
around on yet another finals week.
designed by JULIETTE LE SAINT

It’s funny how everything is so hurried when we’re young, even Heat pressing into my back
though it’s when we have the most time. We hurry to get to from the overzealous sun on
class, hurry to pick our majors, hurry to decide who we are and my daily hike to campus,
who we’ll be. I find myself creating new goals just as soon as I when I had a brief break
reach old ones, and on and on it goes. But one day that slows from classes to breathe, and
and stops as gray clouds reach across the sky. maybe call my mom.

I’m walking with quick steps, watching
the leaves pass beneath my shoes. I The hidden cove underneath
briefly look up to avoid an impending dappled shadows with a perfect
collision with another hurried student view of bronze statues.
and come to a stop. Soft fur of the familiar
The shade and quiet it provided
black-and-white feline
were the eye in a relentless
who was always glad to
hurricane of information and
see me, and who I would
anxiety spilling from the rooms of
always stop to greet.
Bunche Hall.
Others make their way
around me as I stand in front
of Powell Library, with the gray
sky above and rain beginning to fall, and
I just stare. I never really looked at Royce Hall
before, but I’m seeing it now. In this moment, nothing Comfort found
is clamorous or complicated, and that alone warrants A cramped in a cushioned
remembrance. office full of armchair,
connections surrounded by
I remember the day I moved into UCLA. Seven hours of driving in a car packed to people and
to its limits finally brought me to the place I had been anxiously imagining for
books and the
countless buzz of frenzied
months. My parents smiled as they marveled at the campus and the heat, then waved
goodbye. I was left with my roommates, my unpacked boxes and a map of campus that, no ideas studying.
matter how long I stared, refused to tell me where I was meant to go next. Soon classes began, and with clamoring to
them came a gale of activity that propelled me to ever higher speeds. be heard.

I remember my first UCLA sports event, the first A I got on a college paper, the first frat party. And yet, even
though these memories are certainly the loudest and may stay with me the longest, they aren’t the ones I
want to hold onto the tightest. Exhaustion dragging me
under after the strain of These things made the world spin slower
I also remember the night I knew I’d be leaving this place that I’d just begun to call home. I was surrounded a sleepless night, with and go quiet for just a few moments.
by too many people in a room much too small for us, my hands trembling as I stared at my phone and read only a grass mattress They were my constants in a time when
the words: Congratulations on your acceptance as a transfer to our class of 2021. Every plan I had made for everything was writhing around in a
beneath me and sunlight
my time at UCLA flew out of my head. The impossible happened, and now the moments I have here will be tangled mass. They were never phased
far fewer than I previously imagined, making each one more precious. Soon, I’ll find myself in a new place, as a blanket.
surrounded by new people, hopefully finding a new home, but even so... by my mistakes or anxieties, and instead
offered simple acceptance.
30
30 PRIME | FALL 2018 31
 Strangers and old
friends I could
This is who I want to remember... sit and talk with
endlessly. We filled
The comforting shoulder to our hours with
We all remember the landmarks of our memories, the
lean against as we stumbled ramblings on the
events, the academics, the accomplishments. These memories are bright,
home, leaving behind weather, the state of
loud and they demand our undivided attention. It’s easy to think that
booming noise in exchange the government and
these memories are what shape us, but in doing so we yet again rush
for quiet companionship. our existential crises.
right past the soft, gentle interactions that we learn and grow from.

The instructors who, despite my anxious inse-
curity in talking with them one on one, became
friends and guides through the quagmire of college
life.
My roommate clambering down a creaking ladder, the
light of morning peeking from behind the curtains as I
awoke to the reminder of her reliable presence.
There will always be things we need to hurry toward. Some days we just
have to run quickly, without looking up, to get out of the rain. Perhaps
one day another student in our path will force us to look up and see
Royce, but even so, the pressure will never really stop. And yet, there
are moments we can hold onto that offer simplicity to make the
desperate race in our heads finally slow down.

Fingers gripping my own, shivering and clenching tighter in an

attempt to ward away the mental demons, showing me a vul-
nerability I would never consider showing myself.

The giggling menaces that called themselves my roommates, invad-

ing my bed and stealing it out from under me, turning my mind away
from chaos and my own powerlessness.

Clever hands plucking metal strings, playing the gentle soundtrack to our
shared space as I began to love these people unexpectedly quickly.

There are places and people who change us

These people
welcomed me, even
when I was an unknown. I forced the clock
to slow for them, and refused to let that in-
fernal ticking rob me of the memories they
created. They expanded my experiences past
what I thought they could be. By learning them,
32 I learned myself.
immeasurably, quietly, without us noticing, until we
look up one rainy day and realize that they were the
compass that guided us. These are the memories I want
with me when I leave. I want them here, laid out in front
of my eyes and soaked into my skin. I will remember the rare
days of rain, the many exchanged smiles and above all else, the
warmth that pervades every inch of this place.
PRIME | FALL 2018 33
 which contain profanity and sexual scenes. struggles to cater to consumer needs as easily as streaming

ON DEMAND ON CAMPUS
Netflix’s 2013 remake of the BBC series with the
same name was one show the platform produced to
prove its original works provide the same high-quality
entertainment as programs created by premium
written by ALEXANDRA DEL ROSARIO graphics by MAVIS ZENG channels like HBO and Showtime, Nunan said. The series
demonstrated streaming platforms could attach big
illustrations by JULIETTE LE SAINT & NICOLE ANISGARD PARRA designed by CALLISTA WU Hollywood names, such as Kevin Spacey, to their projects
services do. The online platforms provide consumers with
equally gratifying experiences with little to no cost to their
pocket or comfort.
With diverse content, high-quality original series and
films, Nunan said streaming services also cater to audience
members who like to be entertained in the comfort of
their homes. Streaming a movie or TV series online takes

U
and secure a couple of Emmy nominations and awards up significantly less amounts of time than finding a DVD
CLA’s streaming culture spans far beyond just BruinCast. along the way. Other streaming services soon followed rental distributor or waiting in line for a flick.
Students, whether they’re catching up on the latest episode of “Game of Thrones” at Bruin Netflix’s example with their own original series and movies Additionally, the comfort of watching in their own
Fitness Center or rewatching “The Office” for the ninth time during their chemistry lecture, – Amazon Prime Video with “Transparent” and Hulu with homes allows consumers full control over their own
interact with content in ways unpredicted by the industry’s past. Though streaming has “The Handmaid’s Tale.” viewing experiences. They’re easily able to pause, rewind
shifted entertainment from TV and movie screens toward the internet, the ever-evolving medium has The increasing popularity of streaming, like most things, and watch shows at their own pace, which was essentially
allowed UCLA students to explore diverse collections of content while helping them find community. came at a price. On the television side, cable and broadcast unheard of for live TV, Nunan said.
networks, according to Variety, experienced a drop of more “People were becoming more and more accustomed to
than 3 million North American subscribers in 2017, citing watching entertainment at home and dedicating real
the high prices for such programming. Cable subscription space and resources to their home entertainment center,”
RISE OF STREAMING prices can range anywhere from $20 to over $100 a month, Nunan said. “They would really have to be forced off their
making a, at most, $13.99 streaming subscription for Netflix couch to go to a cineplex because there’s nothing that can
seem more worth the dollar.
Within the past decade, consumers turned their and movies to its diverse range of users. However, streaming hasn’t negatively affected just PRIME BRUIN BINGING GRAPHS
attention from the shiny gloss of DVDs and the heft of “It’s the first time a distribution platform has said the television industry, but the movie industry as well. PREFERRED STREAMING PLATFORM
robust cable sets to the sleek design and seemingly endless essentially, ‘We want to be your platform of choice for According to Nunan and evidence provided by the 1. PREFERRED STREAMING PLATFORM
variety provided by online platforms. Streaming, naturally, content, whether you’re 6 years old or 96 years old.’ ... No Motion Picture Association of America, the average adult
has become a norm in entertainment consumption but one’s ever done that before,” Nunan said. consumer in the U.S. currently sees fewer than 10 films a PERCENTAGES
has also found ways to stand out from traditional TV and He said unlike streaming services, broadcast networks year in theaters. Nunan attributes this low number not 81 NETFLIX
film. like ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC are government-regulated only to theaters’ inability to compete with a home viewing
12 HULU
“I’m interested in streaming because it’s ... a brave new channels that need to adhere to federal ratings and experience, but also their inability to captivate audiences.
4 AMAZON PRIME VIDEO
world,” said Tom Nunan, a lecturer at the UCLA School of standards. In turn, such online platforms have more “I don’t think the movie studios have figured out how
Theater, Film and Television. freedom to create content that best fits their brand, he to inspire people to go to the movies anymore,” he said. “I 1 FUNIMATION
Though multiple streaming services have created their said. As most online platforms want to cater to audiences think the problem is that (studios) haven’t figured out how 1 CRUNCHYROLL
own paths to success, Nunan believes Netflix, the DVD- of all ages, they produce content ranging from G-rated to make the moviegoing experience special, vibrant and 1 NONE
rental-service-turned-streaming powerhouse, spearheaded kid’s series to R-rated originals containing material like addictive the way they’ve been able to do that for TV.”
the move to online content. In addition to providing its nudity and strong language. Netflix, for example, has Though cineplexes have introduced measures to make
millions of consumers with an easy-to-use website, Netflix created multiple kid-friendly shows but has also produced the moviegoing experience more enticing, from high-end
brought an impressively wide selection of television series critically acclaimed TV-MA shows like “House of Cards” concessions to interactive screenings, the movie industry

3. FAVORITE GENRE TO STREAM

ANIME

COMEDY

DRAMA

HORROR

OTHER*
67

41

6
3 3

* OTHER categories include ACTION, ANIMATED,

CULINARY and SCI FI

5. STREAMED WHILE AT UCLA

34 77
PRIME | FALL 2018 35
 compete with your home viewing experience.”
However, streaming owes a major part of its popularity
to portable technology. Devices like laptops, tablets and
smartphones helped usher in the age of streaming as
it played to one of its most appealing characteristics:
portability. Depending on their choice of streaming device,
viewers can choose to have either a solitary or social
watching experience. The ability to stream shows or new
content through everyday devices is especially appealing to
college students, Nunan said.
“When you’re having a streaming experience, typically
it’s coming through a piece of technology that you have
a warm relationship with,” he said. “Anything that can be
streamed through your phone, you’re going to have a lot of
affection for that, most likely.”
When considering price, portability and full control
of a watching experience, it’s no surprise that college
students, too, have already made the move online for
entertainment.
BRUIN BINGING
Current UCLA students may differ in fields of study, race,
gender and background, but one thing remains certain for
many of them: Steve Carell and the rest of “The Office” cast
know how to entertain.
The 2005 hit comedy series was just one of many shows
participants in a 120-student survey said they enjoyed
streaming.PRIME BRUIN BINGING
Other responses GRAPHS
included ABC’s medical drama
“Grey’s Anatomy” and the Andy Samberg-led “Brooklyn
1. PREFERRED STREAMING PLATFORM
Nine-Nine.”
In addition to replying with their favorite shows and
PERCENTAGES
films to stream, students across campus identified their
favorite genres to watch, preferred streaming 81
NETFLIX
services
12
and the reasons for their selected platform. Nearly HULU
82
4 AMAZON PRIME
percent – approximately 98 students – of participants saidVIDEO
Netflix was their platform of choice, citing the1streaming
FUNIMATION
giant’s diverse selection of movies and shows as 1 CRUNCHYROLL
one of the
service’s appealing characteristics. 1 NONE
Behind Netflix was Hulu pulling in 14 students, taking up
11.7 percent of the breakdown. Similar to Netflix, a majority
of the surveyed Hulu users also cited the service’s broad
selection as their reason for choosing the platform as their
favorite one. However, others also cited price as a major
3. FAVORITE GENRE TO STREAM
selling point for the streaming website.
Mel Ohanian, a first-year political science student, said
ANIME
COMEDY
DRAMA
HORROR
OTHER*
she acquired Hulu Plus through a package that also offered
Spotify Premium and Showtime for $4.99 per month.
However, in addition to the fairly affordable price, Ohanian
said “The Handmaid’s
67 Tale” initially drew her to Hulu.
Despite completely catching up to the adaptation of the
Margaret Atwood novel in a matter of days, Ohanian, like
many other student participants, streams her shows for
less than five hours a week,
41 more than 12 hours less than
the average American watches TV, according to the Nielsen
Total Audience Report for the first quarter of 2018. Though
streaming can be therapeutic and help pass time, Ohanian
36
6
3 3
said she simply does not have time to stream and watches
on her phone or laptop when she can.
“
“I barely have time to go to the gym, so it’s hard to make
watching TV a top priority,” she said. “I’m also a freshman
Anything that can be streamed through your phone,
you’re going to have a lot of affection for that, most likely.
so I’m trying to get used to the ... quarter system.”
According to the Nielsen report, young adults ages 18 to
34 spend roughly 3 1/2 hours a day on TV-related devices
and services, falling behind both younger and older age
groups who reached the five- to seven-hour marks. Reasons
for the lower viewing hours in young adults can include
increased schoolwork and study time, extracurriculars, and
jobs, among other things. However, when they do make the
time to stream, whether it be for hours a day or minutes a
week, students can find ways to make their shows relevant
in their lives.
Second-year physiological science student Yael Mendoza
uses Funimation Productions, a streaming service which
focuses on anime, to watch his favorite series. He spends
around five to 10 hours a week watching anime and has
watched nearly 600 episodes of his favorite show, “One
Piece.” He said he particularly enjoys the show for the way
it discusses real-life issues and makes approaching such
topics easier.
“It’s 2.
oneREASON
of myFOR PREFERRED
favorite shows PLATFORM
to stream because it has
adventure, these
15 aspects of friendships and it goes into GENRE
PREFERRED
things that are a lot harder to talk about in real life, like
19 of subtle but it’s in there – slavery and OTHER
slavery. It’s kind
racism,” he
8 said. “You may not realize it, but those themes
are tied into the anime.”
More than half the student participants 78 saidVARIETY
comedy OF SELECTION
was
their favorite genre to stream. Such students said their
favorite series included shows like “Friends,” “New Girl,”
“Rick and Morty” and “The Office.”
HOURS PER WEEK USING SERVICE
4. HOURS PER WEEK USING SERVICE
DRAMA
PERCENTAGES
48 LESS THAN FIVE HOURS A WEEK
23 5-10 HOURS
24 10-15 HOURS
5 MORE THAN 15 HOURS
41
As it is, UCLA students experience the need to juggle sizable amounts of
academic, professional and social stresses. However, their streaming habits FAVORITE GENRE
and preferences may say something about their own emotional needs for
connection and escape, said Neil Landau. TO STREAM
Landau, the assistant dean and co-director of the MFA screenwriting 3. FAVORITE GENRE TO STREAM
program at the UCLA School of TFT, said the comedy and drama genres – the
first and second most popular genres, respectively, to stream among UCLA
ANIME
COMEDY
DRAMA
HORROR
OTHER*
students – tap into viewers’ desire to live a second life. Living a second life
through favorite characters in a comedy or drama series, Landau said, allows
viewers to escape the stress of school without any real-life consequences.
Other popular shows among UCLA students, like the dramas “Game
of Thrones” and “Grey’s Anatomy,” are series that also allow viewers to 67
become emotionally invested in the characters or the storyline, Landau
said. He said the shows can present a kind of microcosm for emotional
issues and hardships viewers might be dealing with. Because viewers can
see themselves and possibly their own trials and tribulations, such as
heartbreak, represented in shows like “Grey’s Anatomy,” they’re able to 41
have some cathartic release and validate their own feelings, Landau said.
Similarly, comedy can speak to viewers’ needs to feel accepted and part of a
community, he said.
“It’s a way to connect to a community in a second life as opposed to in
your first life. ... There are consequences, you can get rejected or may not be
3 3
6
accepted, but when you watch ‘The Office’ you belong, you’re part of that
group just by tuning in,” Landau said. “You can play it safe and get that itch
* OTHER categories include ACTION, ANIMATED,
scratched.” CULINARY and SCI FI
SOCIAL STREAMING 5. STREAMED WHILE AT UCLA
77
Streaming not only allows student viewers to connect Zhang, the president of JAC and a third-year English
with their favorite characters and plots, but also fosters a student, said the club is a space to combat the stigma
sense of community that transcends the confines of the of enjoying and pursuing “nerdy” hobbies like watching
screen. anime. The 100-member club hosts anime screenings
According to Landau, streaming is a peculiar and and various anime-themed activities, 61 like61trivia nights, to
59
paradoxical form of entertainment because although it bolster a passion for Japanese animation.
54
PRICE is a solitary activity, the online format also promotes the “That’s the biggest importance of having clubs like these
creation of entertainment-based connections. on campus,” she said. “It represents a side of culture that I
“When you’re watching a show, whether you’re in the think is less appreciated, and I think giving it a spotlight
same room (as friends) or not, everyone’s participating at and a forum of a club in a big community really helps 43
the same time. Most people probably choose friends based people find their place on campus and become more
on who (is) interested in the same shows they are and it comfortable with themselves.”
just becomes something people talk about,” he said. “You So far, the student organization has screened episodes
want to be able to be part of that conversation.” of anime series like “That Time I Got Reincarnated as a
By bringing communities of students together, binge- Slime” in large viewing spaces in Perloff Hall. During these
watching and streaming television is somewhat akin to meetings, students sit together, watch an episode and
extracurricular activities, Nunan said. share their reactions and thoughts with other members,
PARKS AND RECREATION
He added, during his university days, some of the major said Jerry Li, JAC’s executive vice president and a third-year
STRANGER THINGS
points of connection were through fields of study or biology student. The meeting environment encourages
GREY’S ANATOMY
BLACK MIRROR
off-campus organizations like sports or Greek life. With both new and returning members to engage with each
THE OFFICE
streaming and technology now, he said students can also other and the anime.
FRIENDS
build community based on a common love for genres or “Viewing in clubs is completely different than watching it
shows. by yourself. We want to give members a reason to wait for
“You can share the content together, you can have clubs the screenings at the actual club, as opposed to watching
where you watch things together,” he said. it by themselves,” Li said. “That whole environment where
One such club is the Japanese Animation Club. The you get to hear what everyone else thinks of the film or
organization seeks to provide anime enthusiasts with a show as it’s going on is a very special part of the club, it’s
community of other people who share a similar passion what convinces members to join and stay.”
for the genre and its various series, said Mary Zhang. From club screenings to Westwood dinner debates,
37
PRIME | FALL 2018

members of JAC use their similar interests in anime as a
platform to build new relationships and come out of their
shells, Zhang said. When the club isn’t able to show its
selected series in their entireties, members will watch the
episodes on their own or with a group of friends, allowing
them build their own meaningful connections beyond JAC,
Zhang said.
But even if students aren’t involved in clubs like JAC,
they still find streaming as a way to feel more connected
with popular culture and build communities based in their
favorite shows.
Ohanian said that the fast-paced nature of streaming
D
PERCENTAGES
48 LESS THAN FIVE HOURS A WEEK
67
superheroes in general,” he said. “It’s a good community
CUTTING THE CORDS
23 5-10 HOURS
to talk about the show, what they like or dislike about the 24 10-15 HOURS
new episodes that come out.” Television networks and movie studios, despite the shows, you’ll either do so via a broad subscription ... or a
Entertainment, specifically with the rise of streaming increasing ubiquity of streaming 5 MORE THAN 15 HOURS
platforms, continue to specific a la carte purchase, like (how) pay-per-view or on-
41
platforms, has allowed viewers to find commonalities 41 produce critically acclaimed and popular content. demand works today.”
with others beyond their own communities, Landau said. With dramas like “This is Us” and “Pose,” cable and To students, the future of entertainment platforms
Anywhere he goes, Landau said he notices other people broadcast networks have still been able to pull in audience remains uncertain. Ohanian said she thinks more original
using entertainment as a kind of social currency to meet, members and high ratings. However, it won’t be too long series will result from the continuous growth of streaming
either physically or virtually, 6and understand each other, before TV corporations will completely make the move to platforms. After the precedent of original content from
3 to lasting connections.
leading 3 online platforms, Landau predicts. services like Netflix and Hulu, Ohanian said she thinks
“Sharing and experiencing the lives of others, (fictional “I think people will continue to cut the cords and you’ll more original shows will continue to appear since
* OTHER categories include ACTION, ANIMATED,
and real), plants
CULINARYseeds
and SCIof
FI empathy. It’s like having digital just turn on your TV and you’ll see a bunch of apps,” he streaming has become a part of daily life.

“
allows her to catch up on hit TV shows. In turn, she said pen pals or friendships on demand,” he said. said. “You’ll see (entertainment) companies continue to On the other hand, Mendoza said he doesn’t think TV
she’s able to feel more in the know about buzz-worthy consolidate into fewer and fewer monolithic corporations.” platforms will necessarily go away just yet. He said while
shows.
5. STREAMED WHILE AT UCLA 6. FAVORITE SERIES TO STREAM
As the Walt Disney Co. acquired 21st Century Fox he thinks streaming will continue to grow, cable networks
77 STREAMED WHILE AT UCLA and Comcast purchased NBCUniversal, Landau thinks will remain present and will continue their regulated
streaming giants like Netflix will soon be taken in by larger weekly, biweekly or yearly episode paces as before. A one-
BROOKLYN 99 7
corporations like Apple. Such consolidation could mean shot release of all seasons or episodes of a series is not
Most people probably choose friends based on who safer,
CRIMINAL more brand-oriented
MINDS 3 content creation supervised by possible, he said, because filming or animating them takes
patent companies and their shareholders. time.
are interested in the same shows they are and it 61 61
59 Though movie theaters
FRIENDS 6 and cineplexes might take more Traditional models like cable television and movies are
just becomes something people talk about. You immersive approaches to cinema, such as including virtual experiencing drops and their respective watching modes
54 GAME OF THRONES 4
want to be able to be part of that conversation. reality, in the near future, Landau said those spaces are may be a thing of the past. Change in entertainment
becoming increasingly similar to bookstores. Like some formats, platforms and distribution is inevitable, Landau
GOSSIP GIRL 4
bookshops, movie theaters are bound to close as people said. However, despite the ever-evolving landscape of new
43 43
40 GREY’Scontinue
ANATOMY watching5 movies in the comfort of their own media and technology, he said some things will remain
Mendoza said his interest in anime and superhero series 36 homes. constant.
has allowed him to find like-minded communities both Nunan also said he
PARKS AND RECREATION 6 believes television networks will soon “As technology changes, things will shift,” Landau said.
on campus and beyond UCLA. He recalled using streaming 30 be a thing of the past and streaming services will become “But what won’t change is that there will always be a need
services as a conversation topic get to know his roommate STRANGER
the THINGS 3 future of televised entertainment, he said,
norm. The for new, great stories and great characters.”
better and learn about the shows he watches. However, will be mostly subscription-based, with the
THE GOOD PLACE 3
through social media and the internet, Mendoza uses his exception of a la carte purchases.
PARKS AND RECREATION

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE
love for shows like “The Flash” and “I envision small-screen entertainment

GAME OF THRONES
23
STRANGER THINGS

13 REASONS WHY
THE OFFICE

GREY’S ANATOMY
“Arrow” to connect with other fans. opportunities being driven strictly by show
BLACK MIRROR

“I followed the actors on social choices,

THIS IS US versus4network choices,” he said. “If
THE OFFICE

RIVERDALE
FRIENDS

media and there I found people who you want to watch ‘Game of Thrones,’ ‘The
are passionate about the show and Walking Dead,’ ‘America’s Got Talent’ or any
THIS IS US
of your other favorite scripted or unscripted

38 PRIME | FALL 2018 39

40 41
 LETTING OTHER PEOPLE
MAKE DECISIONS ON MY
BEHALF WAS SO EASY, BUT
IT NEVER FELT RIGHT. I
NEEDED TO STEP FORWARD
AND SPEAK UP.

I WANTED TO REMIND
MYSELF TO LIVE LIFE
UNAPOLOGETICALLY AND TO
KEEP PUSHING FORWARD –
CHANGES THAT I’VE BEEN
TOO NERVOUS TO MAKE
FOR YEARS.
42 43
44 45
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46 PRIME | FALL 2018 47

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